I caught a fish. I had some trouble identifying the fish, so I asked it are you a mackerel?
And it said nah and then I said are you a salmon and it said nah so then I figured it out! It must be a 2-nah fish
After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends.He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
"What's up with the big brass gong?" one of his guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup," replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch," the drunk replied.
He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly a voice on the other side of the wall screamed...
"You idiot! It's three-fifteen in the morning.
If tomb is pronounced TOOMand womb is pronounced WOOM
why isn't bomb pronounced BOOM?
It just might be....................if you're on the receiving end.
What's the surname of a Dutch criminal?
Van De Lism
My mothers ancestors came from England. One of her relatives was a female court jester for King Richard, known as Lois the Fool, and she is credited with inventing the pun!After regaling the King with her witty little snippets of humor, King Richard asked what she called them. She replied, "Puns, Your Majesty, I call them puns."
The King was so impressed he proclaimed to everyone in his kingdom, "Henceforth and forevermore, let it be known throughout this realm that a pun is...
... the Lois form of humor..."
I won a Settlement in Court with the Zoo and they paid me in Lions
Its not much, but at least I have my pride
I'm accused of shooting a man with a bb gun.
The case is being heard in appellate court...
My date with the supernatural had gone terrible.
She ghosted me
What do you call a Sugar that can write with both Hands?
Ambidextrose
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit went to a clinic to donate some blood...Nurse (to the rabbit): What's your blood type?
Rabbit: I'm probably a type O.
Rabbits have taken over the Empire State Capitol.
Its now All-Bunny New York.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?From a ...
...well, actually...
Spiders.
Why dont spiders go to school ? Because they learn everything on the web .
What happens when something hits you at high frequency?
It hertz
What do you call a person who dies whilst lifting weights?
A Dumb Bell End.
The Mandalorian asked Little Miss Mufet what she was eating for dinner.
She replied, "This is the whey."
I'll never forget how many sit ups my dad used to make me do
They're core memories.
I was debating where to stream the new Hamlet movie.
Tubi or not Tubi...
I finally organized my junk drawer. Now it's just a drawer
and I cant find any of my junk!
Why couldn't the Mexican archer hunt? He didn;t habanero.
I've just received the news I'm a kleptomaniac
To be fair I took it rather easily
A cowboy walks into a bar petting his pony. Bartender asks
Are you feeling a little horse?
At the end of his session, my kids therapist brought us in and asked if we had any questions. I said, Well, he always talks about his first teacher having really low boobs that looked like they stuck out around her stomach. Is that weird?
She said, No, those are core mammaries.
There are people who only know 25 letters of the alphabet
They don't know y.
If you're American when you go in the bathroom...... and American when you come out, what are you in the bathroom?
European.