My boss said, I find it highly suspicious that you're only sick on weekdays. I nodded and explained...
It must be my weekend immune system.

Got a warning from the HOA that my dog barks 80 to 100 times a day.
But thats just a ruff estimate.

My wife said I'm the cheapest man in the world...
I'm not buying it!

I caught some vegans in my basement.
I mean, I think they're vegan. All day long, they keep shouting 'lettuce leaf!'

Im done being a people pleaser.
I hope everyone okay with that.

How did you quit smoking
I decided to smoke only after sex

I was staying at this hotel in Madrid and I got sick
I called the reception to say I was sick and they said that they had a doctor on staff that could help me.

The doctor came up to my room and gave me a few pills.

Im surprised that the place had a doctor on staff, I said.

Yeah. Nobody expects the Spanish inn physician.

Why do people in here get tired of seeing reposted jokes?
Just because you've reddit doesn't mean everyone else has!

I showed my friend a photo of myself at an R.E.M. concert.
I said, Thats me in the corner.

To everyone who said I'd never become a journalist:
I've got news for you.

Which is the dorkiest state?
Mississippi - it's got four i's

Some fetuses have a skill that allows them to go through an entire pregnancy undetected
They learn it in the secret cervix

What does a tree do when its bored?
It branches out

Tried to get a refund on an incomplete monopoly set.
No dice.

What do you call two male FBI agents having dinner together?
A Government Man-date

What do you call a broken skunk
Out of odor

What is a French farmer's favourite crop?
8

I got an email today telling me how to read maps backwards
turns out it was just spam.

So, a bear walks into a bar..
He sits down and when the bartender comes around he says, "Hello sir, I'll have a rum............ And a Coke". The bartender inquisitively replies with, "uhh what's with the pause?" The bear answers and says, "Ummm..... I was born with them?"

At dinner my date complained, Naps? Sleeping in? Taking breaks? How are these actual hobbies?? Your profile said you were interesting!
I calmly leaned in to clarify. Resting. Im into resting.

What is the most common type of doctor in Egypt
A Cairo-practor

Do you remember blowing bubbles as a kid?
I ran into him the other day, he still talks about it.

What does a portrait and a wrongfully imprisoned person have in common?
Getting framed.

I was complimented for my parking
Someone left a note saying parking fine

I ate a clock yesterday
I ate a clock yesterday. I was so hungry I went back four seconds