My Theft Remains Undetected.
I stole a board game from my sister.

She has no Clue.

Have you heard Alanis Morrisette drives a Hyundai EV?
Is it an Ioniq?

I went to the doctor's last week and it turns out I'm both gay and dyslexic.
I'm still in Daniel.

Whats worse than a box full of snakes?
A box that was SUPPOSED to be full of snakes.

Joined a gym and they put me on a resistance training program.
It's going really well. So far I've resisted training every day this week

My girlfriend is trying to lose weight by snorting cocaine
She calls it 'Diet Coke'

Why do lazy people hate origami?
Too much paperwork.

Did you know Dolly Parton was terrible at mathematics? She even had a song about it...
"Adding 9 to 5, what a way to make 11."

What do you call a rich Chinese guy?
Cha ching!

Surprisingly, intimacy in clown marriages is pretty monotonous.
Nothing but makeup sex.

I just emailed my senator to complain about the economy.
But all I got was an out of office reply.

I Haven't Told This Joke for the Longest Time!
This guy told me that he has a mortal dread of Billy Joel songs, but he hasn't told his girlfriend.

So, I said, "You should tell her about it."

And he ran away screaming.

I quit smoking cold turkey!
From now on I only smoke cigarettes

What did Humpty Dumpty say to all the kings men?
Yokes on you

Sad news - the man who first got men and women playing tennis together in groups of four passed away last week
RIP Mick Stubbles

Took a limo to yoga.
Bit of a stretch.

When I got to work, there was a mysterious love letter covered in slime on my desk.
Looks like I have a secrete admirer.

I dont want to brag but last year I ran two marathons in 1 day.
My first marathon and my last marathon.

I'm at the age where I no longer care if I look good in photos...
I just wanna look good in CT scans, MRIs, and X-rays...

When I make Eggs Benedict I only use metal plates...
Because theres no plates like chrome for the hollandaise.

I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until,,,
I read the name backwards....

I told a friend that my aunt is in hospital, passing the time by playing draughts, ludo and mahjong.
"Any chess?" he asked.

"No. She's gone private."

I went to see my therapist wearing nothing but food wrap underwear.
They said, I can clearly see your nuts.

Just when you think vegetables cant call
Onion rings

Someone is pasting posters saying: 's he doing this?
I can't see why