Do you know how much a rainbow weights?
Not much, it's pretty light.

Why did they call it Mario Kart...
When Mario Speedwagon was right there?

I had to stop dating the tennis player.
Love meant nothing to her.

I fed my extra pastry to a couple of pigeons in the park today. It turns out...
I filled two birds with one scone.

Bears.
My wife called to tell me she saw a bear on the way to work.

I asked her how she knew it was on its way to work.

She hung up on me.

Why was the art thief not able to make his getaway from the art museum?
He did not have the Monet to make his Van Gogh

If you ever want to build a big ship to save animals from a flood, come to me.
I Noah guy.

He's an arkitect.

My wife came home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, two bottles of whiskey and two loaves of bread.
"Are we expecting guests?" I asked.

"No," she replied.

"Then why did you buy so much bread?"

I just bought a new blindfold.
But I can't see myself wearing it.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes.
She gave me a hug.

Why did the sea monster eat 5 ships that were carrying potatoes?
Because no one can just eat one potato ship.

The police can't solve who stole the beer.
It's still a cold case.

A man is awoken in the middle of the night by his doorbell.
A man is awoken in the middle of the night by his doorbell. Before he can even fully open the door, a giant, six-legged cockroach leaps on him, punching and kicking him relentlessly. After several minutes of being pummeled, the creature scuttles away into the darkness. The man, bruised and dazed, staggers back to bed, but a few hours later, the doorbell rings again.

Thinking it might be help, he rushes to open it, only for the same cockroach to pounce and beat him for a full ten minutes. The man is so exhausted he sleeps right there on the hallway floor. The next morning, he drags himself to the doctor's office. Seeing the massive line, his heart sinks, but the doctor spots him, waves him inside immediately, and says, "Let me guess... you were awoken by a giant cockroach that beat you up?"

Shocked, the man asks, "How did you know that?" The doctor sighs and says, "There's a nasty bug going round!".

What do you get when you mix an elephant, a rhinoceros, and a helicopter?
Hel-eph-ino.

What do you call an acid with an attitude?
A mean-o acid

My mother in law gave me this horrible lamp. I had no choice but to put it in the living room. I accidentally knocked it over this morning
I was delighted

Every time my friend gets stressed, he blurts out 7! 23!! 9!
It's a very odd reaction

Why is plain cheese pizza the best
Because nothing tops it

I asked my son, "Are you definitely in love with that pyromaniac girlfriend of yours?"
He answered, "I think so. Every time we're together, I really feel that spark."

I avoid the Devils sinful works by being dressed as a fictional character at all times.
Because the opposite of Sin Work is Cos Play.

What is the difference between an asteroid and a meat ball?
One is meteor

There are vegetables who love to stand in lines
Queuecumbers

Did you hear about the guy in Paris who had to be pulled out of an industrial bread machine?
He's okay now, but he was in a lot of pain

My friends, the Cases, had a baby boy. Instead of a pretentious name, they went with the more common "Justin".
You know... Justin Case.

I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me..
She said yes, about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.