Theres a company that only tows Nissans
Theyre called Head and Shoulders - Nissan Tows

Ive just finished reading a book called how to clear leaves from your lawn
By Ray King

When my son's goldfish died, I offered to get him another one just like it.
He said, "Why would I want two dead goldfish?"

Once upon a time, there lived a king who was only 12 inches tall...
He was a terrible king, but he made a great ruler.

I once dated a crossed eyed girl but had to end it,
she was seeing someone else on the side.

Someone broke into my new limbo store and stole everything
My business is going under.

My daughter wanted to go out without her glasses
I said no daughter of mine is going out looking like that!

I once thought to have a Japanese friend.
But it was just an imagine Asian.

I walked into the kitchen and nobody said hi
But the micro waved.

Paid $500 so my son could play High School Football
Terrible investment. All I got was a quarterback.

I hear Walter Cronkite was buried at sea.
He was a great anchor.

Someone broke into my home and stole my limbo pole
I mean, really? How low can you go?

Norse mythology dad joke
I took my Norwegian friend to the Valhalla Inn.

He thought hed died and gone to heaven.

Id been getting strange looks every time I touched my head at the checkout counter
Things are different now that I realize cashiers were not telling me to tap toupee.

My daughter said she was starting to like my beard.
I knew she was lying when she told me it was growing on her.

How can you tell if a sniper likes you?
He misses you.

What do you call a cow that plays the guitar?
A moosician

Why did the toilet paper cross the road.
Because it was stuck to the chickens foot.

I treat my girlfriend like a princess.
I gave her thousands of responsibilities and put the weight of a country on her shoulders.

I politely declined my friends offer to check out his new YouTube channel dedicated to bunny colonoscopies.
I dont want to waste an entire day going down rabbit holes.

Who ever lost their iPhone 18 Pro at Walmart this morning...
Would you please stop calling my new phone...

Whats the term for being kicked off of Greeces largest island?
Being ex-Creted

What do you call a magician thats lost his magic?
Ian

Did you hear about the farmers that want a government bailout?
They want money for nothing and their chickens for free.

Guess those farmers are in dire straits.

What do you call a skeletal pirate of the Caribbean?
Jack Marrow