I was walking down the street this morning when I was suddenly hit by a violin, a clarinet, and a french horn
I think it was an orchestrated attack!

A swimmer was asked what her favourite stroke was
She replied The one that killed Margaret Thatcher.

Dogs can bark up to 500 times a day
thats just a RUFF estimate.

I just came across my wifes Tinder profile and Im so angry about her lies
She is not fun to be around.

I accidentally confused the words jacuzzi and yakuza
Now Im in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

If Americans smile....
Do Europeans skilometer?

My son came up to me crying.
"I'm getting bullied at school, dad. The children think I'm arrogant."

"Are they in your class?" I asked.

He said, "No, I'm much better obviously."

On a date with a cannibal, I mentioned to her that I came from a blended family.
She lit up and said, Ooh I love smoothies!

After you die, what part of your body is the last to stop working?
your pupils. They dilate!

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high
She looks surprised

Now that the US and Canada have been eliminated from the World Cup, I feel like theres no reason for people who arent fans of soccer in those countries to continue to follow the tournament
But then I remember that Switzerland is still in it.

Thats a big plus

If A is for apricot, B is for blueberry, what is C for?
Its an explosive.

I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the Mothership

Applied so hard. And got so far.
But in the end,

I wasn't even hired.

- LinkedIn Park

Did you hear about the new corduroy pillow cases?
they are making a lot of headlines!

What is a highlighter's favorite Twister position?
Knee on yellow.

My daughters boyfriend just Dad Joked me and Ill be honest, I think she needs to marry him.
So last night we had some storms roll through including some really wicked lightning. I still made a point to make a beer run, and when I got back I posted a video of the lightning to Facebook with a caption explaining the beer run as a context.

My daughters boyfriend responds with: It must have been pretty scary if it made your beer run.

I already knew this before she moved in with him, but I think the guys a winner, folks.

I have a group of friends who like to dress up as German philosophers.
They're a pretty Nietzsche crowd.

What do they do when you Excel?
They spreadsheet about you

Wife: I want another baby.
Husband: Thats a relief, I also really dont like this one.

I have this incredible ability to predict whats inside a wrapped present
its a gift!

My wife missed my dad joke, but others around me appreciated it:
We were catching up with some relatives when my wife told my uncle that her father had recently been promoted in his role in the Air Force. Now he's a Major, and the promotion actually came with a pay increase as well.

I said, "Woah, a pay increase? Was it a minor increase, or..."

My cousin started cracking up but my wife continued with the small talk haha.

(I often find that dad jokes are better when the punch lines are filled in by the recipient rather than the deliverer. Anyone else prefer this method of delivery?)

Tried making a volcano-themed cake.
It was a recipe for disaster.

What'd the shirt say to the pants?
'Sup, britches?

Before the days of free WiFi in bars and pubs I got slapped in my face
I asked a pretty gal if I could jump on her hot spot