Why was my post removed?
Can someone please tell me why my post was removed?

Im very frustrated because now my fence has fallen over.

An 85-year-old man had to take a sperm count for his physical exam.
The doctor gave him a jar and said, "Take this home and bring back a sample tomorrow." The next day the man returned to the office and handed him the jar, which was as clean and empty as the day before.

The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained,

"Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then my left, still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her leftnothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then the teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried toofirst with both hands, then an armpit, she even tried squeezin' it between her kneesbut still nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open!"

Wife, "Why are you making pancakes for the dog?"
Me, "Because he doesn't know how."

My son said, "What rhymes with orange?" I pondered for a while and replied...
"No, it doesn't."

What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper??
fizzician

I asked my therapist why Im so scared of fruit.
She said, Its probably because of some deep berried trauma.

Did you hear a disgruntled employee burned down the toilet paper factory?
When the cops hauled him in, he shrugged and said, I was sick of all the crap they gave me every day so I finally wiped the place out. And trust me, theres zero paper trail.

I invented a new game. Quiet tennis
Just like regular tennis but without the racket

I've run out of toilet paper so I've started using old newspaper...
the Times are rough

If a girl is standing outside my house,
can I say, she is outstanding ?

To all my Spanish speaking friends out there, I just want to say 'mucho'...
...because I know it means alot to you

What do you call a group of baby soldiers?
An infantry!

I saw a bunch of donkeys, but they ran away from me
Then I saw a bunch of asses

I can't milk a cow for the life of me.
I'm an udder failure.

Shania Twains hometown just named a new building after her.
The Twain Station.

At the federal reserve a coin press broke down but they can't find out why.
The mechanic says: "It just doesn't make any cents."

In medieval England, Sir Reginald says to his wife, Sweeting, I go anon unto the tavern. His wife replies, My lord, thou must not! After all that hath befallen, thou didst promise to forswear drink forevermore.
"Hark, I must go," decrees Sir Reginald, "for I have weighty business with Sir Archibald, Sir Thomas, and Sir Gregory. But take heart, my loveI shall have naught but tea and a crumpet. Thou hast my word.

Very well, she says, "Then shall I expect thee home with thy wits about thee.

Sir Reginald enters the tavern and what should meet his gaze but an ENORMOUS DRAGON! He draws his sword at once and cries, Fear not, good sirs! I shall dispatch this foul beast!

But his friends leap up and say, Whoa, whoa, whoaeasy there, Sir Reginald. This is Valkor. Weve been drinking with him this past hour and he is most congenial. Sit with us and hear the dragons remarkable tales.

Oh, says Sir Reginald, sheathing his sword. Carry on, then.

The four knights make merry with the dragon deep into the night. True to his word, Sir Reginald keeps to his tea and crumpets until the dragon turns to him and says, What art thou, a wee maid? Have an ale, thou absolute codfish!

Well, says Sir Reginald, a new friendship with a dragon doth call for some small celebration. One ale cannot undo me.

HUZZAH!

Some ten ales later, the knights decide to take turns riding upon the dragon high above the village. Sir Reginald goes lastand being thoroughly hammered, he swoons mid-flight, tumbles from Valkors back, and falls to his death just outside the tavern.

Valkor gasps, Oh shit oh shit oh shit and promptly flees the realm.

Sir Reginalds wife arrives, wailing, What in Gods name hath happened to my dear Sir Reginald?!

Sir Archibald bows his head and responds gravely, He fell off the dragon.

Why don't trees have teeth?
Because they're all bark no bite!

A bear is coming towards the campsite. So I'm putting on my running shoes.
I know I won't outrun the bear, but I at least need to outrun the other campers.

My teenage son was throwing a party in the backyard
It was nothing too crazy so I told him to be responsible and went to bed.

However, by the time the sun came up they were still going. As if that wasnt bad enough, theyd also turned the music up so loud that you couldnt hear yourself speak and there were thick clouds of smoke in the air from all the drugs they were doing. I was furious.

And so I wake up in the morning and I step outside and I take a deep breath and I get real high and I scream from the top of my lungs Whats going on?

You know which actor I find cheesy?
Ray Romano

Beer can damage your short term memory
But so can beer

An archaeologist found a 2000 year old oil stain.
Ancient Grease.

Grandpa told Grandma she still lights up his life.
Mainly because shes the only one who knows where he left his glasses.

Do you know the vegan capital of the UK?
Nothingham