My wife came home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, two bottles of whiskey and two loaves of bread."Are we expecting guests?" I asked.
"No," she replied.
"Then why did you buy so much bread?"
What do you get when you mix an elephant, a rhinoceros, and a helicopter?
Hel-eph-ino.
What is the difference between an asteroid and a meat ball?
One is meteor
My mother in law gave me this horrible lamp. I had no choice but to put it in the living room. I accidentally knocked it over this morning
I was delighted
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes.
She gave me a hug.
Did you hear about the guy in Paris who had to be pulled out of an industrial bread machine?
He's okay now, but he was in a lot of pain
What do you call a hippies wife
Mississippi
"The Chain"What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no penis? No fuckin' idea.
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no penis? Still no fuckin' idea.
I have a friend who has a bad stuttering problem.
By the time he told is his Nana died, we were all singing "Hey Jude"...
I tried using a Bed, Bath, & Beyond discount card to scrape the ice off my windshield.
But I could only get 20% off.
Yesterday me and my nephew made a car out of wood
He tried to start it but it wooden start
3 days ago my son locked himself in his room to do keyboard practice.
I haven't seen him synth
A guy walks into his doctors office saying, Help me, doctor, Im shrinking. Hold on, says the doctor,
Be a little patient.
Where do you find dinner plates in the supermarket?
In the frag-aisle.
What do you call an acid with an attitude?
A mean-o acid
Englishmen dies and arrives at those pearly gates...An English man dies and arrives at the pearly gates where St Peter greets him with "ok I have reviewed your life and you were decent enough, no mortal sins, but you did a few bad things so you have to go to purgatory for a year then you can enter heaven"
The Englishman thinks for a second and asks "can I see heaven quickly first so I know what I will get" and St Peter says OK and opens the Pearly gates. The Englishman looks into heaven and sees beautiful clear blue skies, prestine beaches with beautiful bikini clad women under palm trees sipping cocktails. Looks great he says. He thinks for a bit more and asks can he see hell as well so he can see what he avoided. St Peter says we don't get many such requests but why not and opens a door leading downwards.
The Englishman enters hell sees beautiful clear blue skies, prestine beaches with beautiful bikini clad women under palm trees sipping cocktails.
Looks great he says so what's the problem with hell? He sees the devil in a beach chair under a palm tree and goes up to him and asks "why is hell so nice?"
The Devil responds "Bonjour l'Anglais. En enfer, on vit bien, mais il faut parler franais en permanence."
Why did the fish cross the sea
To get to the other tide
Do you know how much a rainbow weights?
Not much, it's pretty light.
I was going to walk up the stairs at my local library.
But there were way too many stories.
My Dad Joke, but from the child's point of view.I came up with this one on one of the many "voluntold" weekend projects my Dad dragged me and my siblings into.
When someone would ask what happened next, or otherwise asked me something, I would just reply "I don't know. I am just the sired help."
My Dad was mixed angry and proud of me for that one...
For sale- George Foreman grill and Muhammad Ali DVDs
Both boxed
I was at the hot air balloon festival and it was just as they say:
Rising inflation everywhere.
Why did the crab cross the road? He didn't.
He used the sidewalk.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me..
She said yes, about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships