My son called home and I asked how things were going. He said, Please dont be upset, but theyre making me take another drug test.
Four years of pharmacy school. Four years of the same damn joke.

Someone told me you could watch a solar eclipse through a colander...
I tried it and ended up straining my eyes.

What is Whitney Houston's favorite car brand?
HYUN-DAAIII!

Oldie but a goodie - What is the Dalai Lamas go to when ordering a hot dog?
Make me one with everything.

Which country has the fastest growing capital?
Ireland. Cause it's Dublin every day.

Have you even noticed ...
... how many towns are named after their water tower?

My kid asked me what it feels like to be an adult...
I turned off the light in his room, handed him a sponge, and told him the kitchen needs his attention.

Today I saved a man drowning in the river
I tossed him a bar of soap and he washed ashore

Why did the Mexican push his wife off the bridge ...
Tequila

What is the difference between panties and female reproductive organs?
One is undies the other is ovaries.

Sorry. I'm drunk. Edited because someone reminded me of what I thought of before I drunkenly posted this.

What do you call a Malaysian primate born between 1945-1964?
A boomerangatan

I was watching a DIY video on how to build a taser at home.
The results will shock you.

I made some jokes about unemployment
but none of them worked.

Whats an epileptic persons favourite dish?
A seizure salad.

*This post isn't intended to be aboelist or dismissing people with disabilities

Had a conversation with an Italian Jedi...
Rearranged my whole house

How do you kill a dad with one letter
Give him an E

What do you call a woman who practices sorcery in the desert?
A sand witch.

I tried to sign up for fight club but made a typo, and that's how I became an aviator.
As a rule, I don't talk about it.

What's the preferred cocktail of bibliophiles?
Margareada

What kind of car does Dracula drive?
An Impala....

A food truck crashes
A food truck crashes on a mountain road and is teetering over a cliff. Firemen arrive at the scene and assess the situation. One says to another, "The truck is being balanced by that large gherkin on the back, if we do anything to stabilize the truck the gherkin may shift sending the truck over the edge. If we don't do anything an errant gust of wind may knock the gherkin off, again sending it over the edge. What are we to do?"

The other fireman replied "Balanced by a precarious gherkin, yep that's a pickle all right."

Was Cal Ripken a Maryland Cookie?
Nohe was a Baltimore Oreo.

The police is investigating an abandoned car with an incomplete set of golf clubs inside.
They're still looking for the driver.

What are you if you have custard and jelly in one ear and cake and cream in the other ?
A trifle deaf