A man walks in to his therapy session with his psychiatrist and immediately takes of his shoes, socks, shorts and underwear and then lays down on the couch.
After a few awkward moments the man asks, Doctor am I crazy?

Well, I can clearly see your nuts replied the Doctor.

A grammar book walks into a bar
* An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.

* A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

* A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

* An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

* Two quotation marks walk into a bar.

* A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intents and purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

* Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

* A question mark walks into a bar?

* A non sequitur walks into a bar.
In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

* Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."

* A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.

* A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.

* Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.

* A synonym strolls into a tavern.

* At the end of the day, a clich walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

* A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.

* Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.

* A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.

* An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.

* The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.

* A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

* The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

* A dyslexic walks into a bra.

* A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.

* A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.

* A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.

* A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony .

Jill Thomas Doyle

If you're looking for a new hobby, blindfolded hunting is incredibly underrated
You don't know what you're missing!

After mymeal, the waiter asked me "sir, how did you find the steak"?
I said "easily, it was next to the potatoes"

My friend said, "Can I ask a stupid question?"
And I replied, "Better than anyone I know."

Today I saw a man with no limbs rob a bank today.
The police report said that he was unarmed.

Why do ballerinas love the number four?
Tutus.

Did you hear about the Wu-Tang Clan member who found Jesus?
Now he goes by Methodist Man

A band teacher was giving a quiz to her class in which you had to guess the name of a famous song based on a clue.
She started with the easy clues: "Comedian"

"The Entertainer!" one of the flute players said immediately.

Then the teacher eent to a slightly more difficult clue: "Metal container is able to".

"The Cancan!" a saxophone player responded instantly.

Pleased with the results she was getting, the teacher decided to go to the hardest clue in the list:

Eight naked women are standing in a line. The first, third, and fifth women are facing you, and the other women are facing away from you."

Not two seconds later, a trombone player answered, The William Tell Overture!"

The teacher looked at the answer key and the trombone player was right.

She asked him, How did you get that so quickly?

m
He said,
"Titty rump
Titty rump
Titty rump rump rump.

A swimmer was asked what her favourite stroke was
She replied The one that killed Margaret Thatcher

My dad was a conjoined twin.
We referred to him as my uncle on my fathers side. Dont worry, they were surgically separated so now hes my uncle once removed.

I was fishing last week and my entire 200 yards of fishing line disconnected from my casting/ cranking device.
It was truly an unreel experience.

What should you drink when you are sick?
Well water.

What do you call an Asian man with an amputated leg?
Lim-Ping!

What has stripes, two legs and looks like half a tiger
The other half of the tiger

2 Week Notice
People keep telling me that I should 'grow up', or 'be more serious'. To demonstrate my maturity and new-found approach to life, I put in my two week notice at work.

Everyone (even the boss) has been much more respectful, tolerant, and downright nice to me this past month!

They say that only the toughest men eat porridge for breakfast.
Eating it takes a lot of grit(s)

I taught the students demonology
I told the students about the demons' strengths, weaknesses, and the best way to attack. The students really struggled with the devil in the details.

How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of crime?
They just ransomware.

Whats the technical term for a lack of cats?
A pawcity.

Horses eat hay. What do cows eat?
The udder stuff.

Prisoners.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...

They'd be called cellfies.

A patient tells their therapist they are afraid the car will get trapped in a tunnel with many people inside.
The therapist asks if there is a name for that specific fear, and the patient replies, "Carpool tunnel syndrome".

I've been terribly depressed lately. I really feel like my world is ending, and the only thing that will make me feel better is a puppy.
This is my cry for whelp.