I just discovered that the word 'nothing' is a palindrome...
Backwards it spells 'gnihton', which also means nothing.

i like to throw soy sauce at sad people ...
you know, Kikkoman when he's down

I got fired from the clock factory.
I thought putting in extra hours was supposed to be a good thing.

My girlfriend crashed our car this morning.
When the police came she said the guy involved was on his mobile and eating a pie at the time.

The police advised her the guy was entitled to do what he wanted in his own living room.

My neighbour banged on the wall at 4:30am this morning!!!!
Can you believe it. Lucky I was still awake listening to music.

They banged and shouted "Can we have a little respect please?"

I shouted back "I'm not a big Aretha Franklin fan but this ones for you"

Whats a pirates favorite letter?
If you guessed R, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Everyone knows a pirate's first love is the C.

Scientists have discovered a new type of Polar Bear!
It exists in both the Arctic and Antarctic, it suffers from depressive episodes with moments of excitation and is sexually indiscriminate.

They've called it the Bi-Polar, bipolar, Bi Polar Bear.

My daughter wants a purse but I dont think shes ready.
Does that make me an antipurseparent?

Current AI-models are closer to PhD-level intelligence
The next release we should expect them to be as intelligent as someone who decided not to do a PhD

Im not saying Im old, but
I can remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

Did you hear the department of transportation is laying off thousands of workers?
They invented a shovel that stands up by itself.

Whats a scarecrows favourite fruit?
Strawberry

I just saw this fella going up a hill with a wheelbarrow full of horseshoes, four leaf clovers and rabbit's feet.
I thought: Hes pushing his luck!

If you cut off your left arm,
Your right arm will be left.

What do you call a dinosaur that takes care of its teeth?
A flossiraptor.

The word Queue is pronounced like the letter Q
The rest of the letters are just waiting there.

Found a bottle of belgian beer in my teenager's room
I asked: "What do you have to saison?"

Did you know that in Japan at night
Its dark.

What do you call a cow in the Arctic?
An Eskimoo!

Two hydrogen elements walk into a sun and
One helium walks out.

I failed my beer exam despite cramming
I studied to know of ale.

I made a Roman-themed party with the only entertainment being a sculpture.
It was a bust.

What do you call it when theres 2 places to park your boat, but theres never any space available?
A very frustrating pair o' docks

My uncle had to get his Guard Card for his job at the Salem Potion Store
You could say hes a Registered Hex Defender.

Whats your dads favorite key on a keyboard?
Who knows, but it isnt Return.