Why are there no brown bears at the north pole?
They're afraid of the ICE
Two men walk into a bar. One man orders HO. The other man says: "I'll have HO, too."
The second man dies.
Where is the worst place to hide in a hospital?
The ICU.
It's been twenty days since I joined the gym but there has been zero progress.
Tomorrow I'll go there personally to see what's going on.
The doctor met with a patient to give some bad news
The patient asked, How long do I have left to live?"

The doctor said, '5'.

The patient asked, '5 years, 5 months?'

The doctor said, '4'.

I buried a bell way under my uncle Stans house years ago. Ive tried to find it a few times but i dont think my holes are big enough
Im just looking for a deeper under stan ding
Scientists recently combined the DNA of a cheetah with the DNA of a crab.
Things went sideways REAL fast.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Anything you want, he aint coming.
What do vampires and Gladys Knight have in common?
They are both Gladys Knight.
My grandad got home from the bar and found grandma in the bedroom with a guy wearing flares, sunglasses and platform shoes. Why are you so shocked? she said
I told you I was getting a hip replacement
A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder
The bartender says, 'What an interesting pet, what's his name?

Tiny,' the man replies.

What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?'

Because...he's my newt.'

Alphabet soup
When I eat alphabet soup, I only eat the vowels.

Why?

Sometimes.

I think I'll have to quit my job driving the pillow delivery truck
My boss confirmed, I'm bringing all my customers down
I walked into a bookshop today
And asked if they had any books on turtles.

The guy behind the counter said 'hardback?' and I said 'yeah, and they've got 4 little legs too'.

Which bottles cannot be filled with vinegar?
(the full ones)
Walked into the kitchen and said hi.
No one replied, but the microwaved
Dog spelled backward is God.
The Lord is my Shepherd.
I tell jokes in the shower.
No wonder everyone thinks I'm washed up.
A termite walks in a bar and asks
Is the bar tender here?
It was sooo cold this morning
(How cold was it?)

It was so old I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets!

I couldnt figure out why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then it hit me!
How many seconds are in a year?
Twelve!

January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd

You want to hear a joke?
Me too!
Did you hear the joke about the guy that forgot to make drinks for the party?
Theres no punch line.
Did you hear about the small cat who loved telling terrible dad jokes?
She was just kitten