Hospital.
A man wakes up in the hospital. The phone rings, a doctor tells the man: "I have really bad news. You're very sick. After your collapse yesterday, we ordered several tests, you have Avian flu, Ebola, you're HIV positive and have hepatitis." The man asks "What are you going to do?" The doc replies: "For starters we're putting you on a strict diet of only pizza." "Will that really help me?" "No, but it's all we can fit under the door."

What do you call a cop in bed?
Undercover

I was so proud
My grandson came to my house yesterday after school. I asked him what he is doing in (8th grade) math.

He said they were discussing the ways to measure things, ruler, protractor, etc. Then the teacher gave them a flip-flop sandal and asked them to measure it.

Grandson just sat there. The teacher asked him why grandson was not measuring. Grandson said he already knows how long the flip-flop is. When the teacher asked how long, my grandson replied,

"that's easy. The flip-flop is a foot long."

So proud of him.

My gf insists I bring a 12-inch ruler to the bedroom
She has a foot fetish.

I just found out that I have a half-brother.
...and we're not allowed to play with chainsaws anymore.

Did I tell you I just got a job in a factory making plastic Draculas?
There are only two of us on the production line. So I have to make every second count

Circle Flies
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding and the trooper started to lecture the farmer and threw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, but as he was he kept swatting at some flies buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper said, Yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies."

Well, circle flies are common on farms, replied the farmer. Theyre called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper said, "Oh," and went back to writing the ticket. After a minute he stopped and said, "Hey...wait a minute, are you calling me a horse's ass?

Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass, replied the farmer.

The trooper said, "Well, that's a good thing," and went on writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer said, "Cant fool those circle flies, though."

Jokester, holding up can of bug spray to store employee, I didnt know that bugs pray.
Employee, "Why yes they do, why do you think they are in sects?"

What's the worst part of giving a cat a bath?
Getting all that fur on your tongue

When do cowboys become cow men?
After their barn mitzvah

I really like the word "wife"
has a nice ring to it

Justice is best served cold
Because if it was served warm, it would be justwater.

What kind of jeans does a ghost wear?
Just a paranormal jeans

Whats the difference between Charles Dickens and a prostitute?
One has a tale of two cities, and the other has a sale on two tiddies.

Snack joke. I asked my daughter what she was eating. Her: nachos
Me: you dont have to be rude about it. Im just asking

Her: huh?

Me: I asked you what youre having for a snack. And you were rude

Her: I just said nachos

Me: I know its not mine. I just want to know what youre having

Her: wha oh stop it, Dad

Me: <smiles in dad joke>

What do you call a dinosaur who just totaled his car?
What do you call a dinosaur who just totaled his car?

Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

I was so embarrassed when my socially awkward friend misprogrammed my vacuuming robot and let it loose during a dinner party.
The guy just couldnt read the Roomba.

You know what the problem with 'Low Fuel' lights is?
They're always gaslighting you.

I was Hungary and late for a meeting,
so I put on my Jordans and Iran to office and thought Im Ghana get something Togo on my way, maybe a Turkey sub with Swiss cheese and a Chile soup, nothing too Greecey. I didnt Czech the time and I realized I forgot my Thai, but I Benin in this situation before and Norway I lose my Korea over this. I got to the joint, they had a nice piece of China on the countertop. I ordered to a Chad behind the counter and he said: Yemen, Ive got it! Before I Congo any further, Kenya tell? Sudan-ly, I saw my boss. Hes from Australia; I said Hi, and he said UKw? Pull up Japans, Finnish here, and lets get to the meeting!

A friend once said You cant go around saving everyone; sometimes they have to save themselves.
A Wise man, but a terrible lifeguard...

I just realized I mixed up the words "depreciation" and "defenestration" in my appeal to the insurance company
I guess getting my money back is out the window

What do you call a dog that solves mysteries underwater?
Scuba Doo

The doctor said my sugar was too high.
When I got home, I moved it to a lower shelf; it's much more accessible now.

If you are looking at joining the military don't become a fighter pilot
it's a tankless job.

I ran out of clean socks. So I piled all my dirty ones on a tray, grabbed my detergent, and headed down a steep hill from my home to the laundromat. As I was descending, I slipped and fell, sending the dirty socks flying one way, and the detergent flying another way. So there I was...
Sittin' on the sock by the tray, watching the Tide roll away.