I asked my wife, Can you help me? Im stuck on a crossword clue, 'overworked postman'. She replied, Sure, how many letters? I said, I don't know!"
Im guessing, too many!
Our son was feeling a little down, so we decided to get him a puppyHis mother wanted to get him a Collie.
I wanted to get a Lab
Our daughter wanted to get a Dalmation
We decided to get a mix of all three
I guess you could call it a Collaboration
My daughter was dating a gardener, but they broke up.
He was very rough around the hedges.
A man is crawling through the desert, dying of thirst...The desert is blazing hot, and he's desperate for water. He comes upon a traveling merchant. He crawls up to the merchant and says "water, please! Water! Water!"
The merchant says "I don't have any. I'm a tie salesman. Would you like to buy a tie?" The guy replies "No! I need water! I'm so thirsty! Water!"
The merchant says "Well I told you I don't have any. But go west about 10 miles or so, and there is a small inn where you can get water." The guy crawls off. A couple of days go by, and the guy comes crawling back to the merchant. He looks even worse than before.
The merchant asks "what's wrong? Didn't they give you water at the inn?"
The guy replies "they wouldn't let me in without a tie."
I was telling a group of people about the dangers of dried grapes...
You know, raisin awareness
My kid came home from school upset saying Our teacher used to let us play outside for 30 minutes, then lately its been 25, then 20, and today it was only 10!
I kneeled down, put my hand on his shoulder and said, Son this is what Ive been trying to tell you. Were in a recessession.
While my wife was in labor, I tried distracting her by telling jokes but she didnt laugh once
Mustve been the delivery
The US government just outlawed duvets, bedsheets, cloaks and any large piece of cloth used for warming
Its a blanket ban
I came out of the shower naked this morning and said, Honey, close the bedroom curtains, I don't want the neighbors to see me naked
She replied, Dont worry, if they do they'll close theirs!
Why dont dinosaurs post on Reddit?
Because theyd get absolutely killed in the comet section ...
Why was the little drop of ink crying?
His dad was in the pen and he didn't know how long the sentence was.
I opened a bag of frozen peas and few rolled onto the floor.
I guess they were escapeas
Therapist says my muteness is mostly psychological
I refuse to talk about it
Did you know Yoda doesn't believe in the existence of the triangle?
Only the doangle and donotangle. There is no triangle.
My relatives are all qualified police marksman apart from my Grandad who was a bank robber.
He died recently surrounded by his family
My wife told me she was giving me the silent treatment for two days.Honestly, I thought, this is it this is peace.
Day one? Bliss.
Day two? Still quiet. Im starting to think Ive unlocked a life hack.
Then day three comes
She walks into the room, looks at me, and says:
Are you not even going to ask why I was upset?
And thats when I realized
the silent treatment wasnt punishment it was just the loading screen.
What singer can never decide if he is human or bovine?
Roy Or Bison.
What happens when you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN?
They get very angry.
A photographer was injured when a huge chunk of cheddar fell on him
All the people in the picture were trying to warn him
Why did the baby strawberry cry?
Because its mommy was in a jam
Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
What does a proctologist and an astronomer have in common?
They are both very familiar with Uranus
[NSFW] This one is a bit tasteless, so be forewarned...
Water
What's the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?
So, you're the one.
What would Socrates be called if he was a Dad?
Socksandsandalscrates.