Last week, I answered the door and standing there was a six-foot-tall mosquito! He thumped me on the head, then left
The next night, the same mosquito came to the door. He punched me in the stomach and left. The third night, the doorbell rang. As I slowly opened the door, the mosquito pushed the door open, kicked me in the shin and left. I went to see my doctor and explained everything that had happened. I asked him what I should do. The doctor replied, "Not much you can do. There's just a nasty bug going around."

My girlfriend said I'm a useless lazy slob and she deserves much better.
I said, "You woke me at 3 in the afternoon just to tell me that?"

I just went for my prostate exam
...got the thumbs up.

I got an email about how to read maps backwards
It was SPAM

When i was young my family was so poor...
We went to KFC to lick other people's fingers

(Fixed a typo) Do you know why Darth Vader is called Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made the stormtroopers giggle.

My daughter was accepted into her universitys Scrabble program.
Shell be studying text tiles.

Out shopping
At Menards, had a fairly full cart, just loitering. Employee asked if I was ready to check out.

Without thinking I said I'm pretty sure I've got a few good years left. Wife didn't appreciate it. She needs a sense of humor

I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth this morning. Thankfully no harm was done..
But I'm now speaking with a weird Axe scent..

A recent study found that households with a bidet on each toilet experience significantly stronger relationships.
Thus proving the family that sprays together stays together.

Ladies and gentlemen, before I unveil the latest edition of Dad Joke Glasses...
I ask that you please join me in observing a moment of sigh lens.

Coach told me I have to kick one of our gymnasts off the team today.
I just know shes gonna flip out.

Sewing.
I was going to write a joke about sewing

But I couldnt come up with any good material.

I invented a new game and all you need is your feet and a breath mint.
I call it Tic-Tac-Toe

I caused an accident after hearing a joke in the car
I was charged with vehicular man's laughter

I bought my sick dad a snowboard in the hope that it would improve his bad health.
Hes gone downhill since, though.

Just ate my last piece of brie and now its raining.
Aint no sunshine when cheese gone.

Whats better on toast, butter or margarine?
Butter, but only by a slim margarine.

Did you know Albert Einstein was a real person?
All this time I thought he was a theoretical physicist.

What gender is a doorbell?
Male. It has a ding dong.

Egypt is known as the land of single parents
this is because there are all these mummies but no daddies

So I knew this baseball player who could ONLY poop while clutching his lucky bat. He lost it one day and went days without a BM. Concerned for his health, I finally convinced him to go to the hospital.
They said he was bat shit crazy.

Interviewer: "Why are you changing careers?"
Basketball Player: "Boss won't let me travel."

Arnold Schwarzenegger is set to star in a new biopic about a famous 17th century composer
When asked for details, he replied "I'll be Bach."