Got fired from the Viagra factory after being accused of stealing.
Guess they dont want hard workers

My friends keep telling me about how he can print a gun with his 3D printer.
Im not impressed, Ive had a Canon printer for years.

If Darth Vader always wears a mask, how does he eat?
He is force fed.

My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, NOT THE KRYPTONITE! and I said, Thats Superman
Thanks, man, he replied, Ive been practicing it a lot.

Why is the letter E the only letter to receive gifts from Santa?
The other letters are not e.

Why is the shower head so happy?
Every naked person he sees turns him on

I know Forrest Gump's password
1Forrest1

I'm very proud of the work I did on my coffee business.
I built it from grounds up.

How do robots eat guacamole?
With microchips

I bought my wife a revolving chair.
At first she hated it, but I sat her in it and she is slowly coming round.

What has four big wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.

What do you call bears without ears?
B

I got fired from the keyboard factory.
They told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

I was going to make a joke about supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.
But I thought the sound of it was something quite atrocious.

What sound does James Bonds doorbell make?
Dong. Ding dong.

I have a family member that always sleeps.
It's my napkin.

Called my wife while hiking. Um I think Im lost. She goes, Can you retrace your steps?
Im like, Babe, you know I suck at drawing!

Police Officer: "Why are you driving around with a book in your hands?"
Driver: "It's a long story..."

My wife is a teacher at a very small school. She only has two students in her class & both of them are going to live to be very old
Both of her pupils are going to dilate

My wife rang last night and told me she was in casualty.
I watched the full episode and didnt see her. In fact I havent seen her since the phone call

The full-time gardener I hired to upkeep my veggies didn't cost much...
All he asked for was a celery.

After I took a football to the groin, my teammate said I should become a farmer...
...Because now I have a couple of ache-ers.

My dad held a very high position in a nationwide construction company.
He was a crane operator.

My wife said she'd love me more if I was a mute.
That's not saying much

I watched a surprisingly exciting movie about squirrels preparing for the winter
The story was just nuts.