I tried being polite today, by holding the door open for a lady.
She kept screaming, Im peeing in here! Oh well.

My friend asked me if I was ready to go to the nudist colony
I was born ready

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician simply performed the same tricks over and over again
There was only one problem: The captains parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting out in the middle of the show. Look, its not the same hat! Look, hes hiding the flowers under the table! Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades? The magician was furious but couldnt do anything, it was the captains parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean and, of course, the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days. After a week the parrot finally said:

Okay, I give up. Whatd you do with the boat?

What fruit will never run off and get married?
Cantaloupe

Did I ever tell you about my short stint as a magician?
I drove home after my first day and turned into my driveway.

Where do dads get their jokes from?
The dadabase

What do you call a Tyrannosaurus with anxiety
A Nervous Rex

The guy who invented nails died today.
I hear his family is having a hard time holding it together.

90 year old man hears a knock at his door, he opens it to see a stunning woman. She says Im here to give you super sex. He replies
Ill take the soup

My bed and I are supposedly just friends too, only problem is...
Every night we sleep together, that damned memory foam mattress has to remind me of how deep a rut I'm in...

I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today.
But I couldn't find it.

How to right good
1) Avoid alliteration. Always.
2) Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3) Avoid cliches like the plague. Theyre old hat.
4) Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
5) Be more or less specific.
6) Writers should never generalize.
Seven. Be consistent!
8) Dont be redundant; dont use more words than necessary; its highly superfluous.
9) Who needs rhetorical questions?
10) Exaggeration is a billion times worse than an understatement.
11) Never write one words sentences. Period.
12) Think long and hard before your write anything that could be misconstrued as a sexual innuendo.
13) Never put things in parenthesis (under any circumstances).
14) Above all else, be concise. Dont carry on and on. No one likes to keep on reading and reading and not go anywhere with it. Make sure that your reader understands what you are trying to convey in as few words as possible.

Jokes about Winnie the Pooh can sometimes be offensive.
Its a good idea to give a Tigger warning.

Crows Across The World Have Forgotten How To Communicate
Scientists are searching for the caws.

I recently renovated a depressed building that only had stairs
It needed a lift

What did the left leg say about the right leg at the party?
Allow me to introduce you to my other calf. We're so close we're joined at the hip.

After my wife's father died, I bought her a bottle of Listerine.
She had mourning breath.

I went around asking people what lgbtq stood for.
So far no ones given me a straight answer.

A snail slithers into a car dealership one afternoon and slowly makes his way onto the showroom floor. The salesman does a double take but decides not to ask questions. Can I help you? he asks.
The snail studies the room carefully, then points with his antennae at the fastest, most expensive sports car in the showroom.

I want that one.

The salesman blinks. Thats a high-performance model, he says cautiously.

I know, the snail replies. Fully loaded.

The sale goes through like any other. There are negotiations over price, discussions about warranties, debates over extended coverage and optional upgrades. Floor mats are considered. Financing is reviewed. Eventually, everything is agreed upon.

Just before signing, the snail makes one final request: a large red S painted on both sides of the car.

The salesman pauses, considers it for a moment, then nods and moves on without comment.

The car is rolled into the shop and prepped for the cosmetic upgrade. Under bright lights, technicians carefully paint an elegant, shimmering red S on each door. The letter is bold and unmistakable, standing out dramatically against the sleek black finish of the carclean lines, perfect curves, impossible to miss from a block away.

The car is rolled back to the showroom. The snail inspects the red S, wiggles his antennae once in satisfaction, and climbs in.

Shortly after, the snail peels out of the lot, tires screeching as the sports car rockets down the street.

The salesman watches the snails car disappear into the sunset. He leans back, shakes his head, and mutters, Wow

Look at that S car go.

My computer suddenly started singing sad pop ballads.
I think it's a Dell.

What is unquestionably the best military base in the US (perhaps the world) by every measure?
Fort Bragg

Whatcha get when you mix an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic?
A person whos up all night wondering if there really is a dog

Why does the military plant trees every year?
To grow the infantry!

I wrote a book about falling down the stairs
It's a step by step guide.

The problem with brain transplants is
The recipients will almost certainly change their mind.