I burned my Hawaiian pizza today
Should have cooked it at aloha temperature

A man walked into a bar
He put a Sony Walkman from Japan on the bar. Then he put a blaupunkt car stereo from Germany on the bar. Then he put a Bang & Olufsen hifi from Denmark on the bar. Then he put a generic branded boom box from China on the bar.
The barman said to him " Sorry, we don't allow jokes based on stereo-types from different countries in here"

My wife got me good
Was making chicken salad in the kitchen, I jumped in to slice grapes in half and my wife, who was tired of chopping all the food said, I grapely appreciate the help! Haha I could be more proud. :)

This weekend, we were barbecuing in the backyard. My wife called out through kitchen window, "Honey, would you please flip the sausages so that they don't burn?"
I said, "Don't worry, the wurst is over".

What do you call someone who is 10% asian?
Slight-lee

Lions would never drive drunk.
But a Tiger Wood.

People don't often daydream about railway systems.
It's too easy to lose your train of thought.

I took my car in for a service yesterday.
It's still stuck in the church doorway.

Look man i only have 4 bombs. Ill even open my bag and show you.
See? 4.

Why was the mermaid wearing seashells?
The B shells were too small.

Why did the Easter egg hide?
Because He was a little chicken.

2 deers walk out of gay bar
One deer says to the other I cant believe I blew 40 bucks in there

Why did the man with glaucoma fall down the well?
He couldnt see that well

A dog walks up to a bar and tells the bartender give me three shots of whiskey
the bartender asks had a rough day?

I just heard a really scary joke about Math.
But I'm 2 to repeat it.

What did the retired pirate say?
'I'm too old for this ship!'

I submitted 10 puns to a joke competition hoping one would win
No pun in ten did

I make about 6 figures a day
But I work in a toy factory, and I fear I will not survive the performance review.

Whats the lowest car in the world?
A limbosine

Why did the cow go to the cinema?
To see Mooana!

My son came up with this variant. You're welcome!

Do you have any suggestions where I could apply for a job?
How about the local Search & Rescue team? They're always looking for someone.

Theres not enough states jokes here
So Iowa good states joke here

I wanted to tell you a joke about a three legged horse.
But it is lame.

When the principal said he was going to show me what board of education really means
I said, I already knowwhy do you think I was sleeping in class?

What do you call a singer-songwriter who also does stand up comedy?
Amuse-ician!