I was so proud
My grandson came to my house yesterday after school. I asked him what he is doing in (8th grade) math.

He said they were discussing the ways to measure things, ruler, protractor, etc. Then the teacher gave them a flip-flop sandal and asked them to measure it.

Grandson just sat there. The teacher asked him why grandson was not measuring. Grandson said he already knows how long the flip-flop is. When the teacher asked how long, my grandson replied,

"that's easy. The flip-flop is a foot long."

So proud of him.

When do cowboys become cow men?
After their barn mitzvah

I really like the word "wife"
has a nice ring to it

Snack joke. I asked my daughter what she was eating. Her: nachos
Me: you dont have to be rude about it. Im just asking

Her: huh?

Me: I asked you what youre having for a snack. And you were rude

Her: I just said nachos

Me: I know its not mine. I just want to know what youre having

Her: wha oh stop it, Dad

Me: <smiles in dad joke>

A friend once said You cant go around saving everyone; sometimes they have to save themselves.
A Wise man, but a terrible lifeguard...

I ran out of clean socks. So I piled all my dirty ones on a tray, grabbed my detergent, and headed down a steep hill from my home to the laundromat. As I was descending, I slipped and fell, sending the dirty socks flying one way, and the detergent flying another way. So there I was...
Sittin' on the sock by the tray, watching the Tide roll away.

What do you call a dog that solves mysteries underwater?
Scuba Doo

If you are looking at joining the military don't become a fighter pilot
it's a tankless job.

What do you call a dinosaur who just totaled his car?
What do you call a dinosaur who just totaled his car?

Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

The doctor said my sugar was too high.
When I got home, I moved it to a lower shelf; it's much more accessible now.

My kids were playing Scrabble on the floor, so I dramatically stepped onto the board and declared, To be or not to be, that is the question!
My son sighed, Not another play on words

You know what the problem with 'Low Fuel' lights is?
They're always gaslighting you.

What did the German man say when he was asked if hed like 5 Dolly Parton impersonators to perform for him?
He said Nein to five.

My doctor told me he has to amputate both my arms...
I don't know how i'll handle that.

Large birds often get bullied because of how big they are
You could say theyre.

Ostrichsized

Why did the crab cross the road?
He didn't. He used the sidewalk.

I was going to go to a fancy dress party as a traditional Indian woman, but thought it would affect my ability to drive.
So I thought, better safe than saree.

One of my employees said they needed bereavement for the rest of the day after hearing about Dolly Parton.
I told her she should honor her memory, finish the day, and work 9 to 5.

My wife ordered an insulated mug and is waiting for it to arrive in the mail.
I picked up the mail today and she asked if it had arrived. I said, Not Yeti.

This actually happened. I got the look and she turned and walked away.

I just heard the sad news
About Dolly parting.

RIP Dolly (stolen from Johnny Carson)
Carnac the Magnificent: A home run, a triple; a catcher's mitt, a 1st basemen's mitt; and Dolly Parton.

Name 2 big hits, 2 big mittsand a country-western singer.

RIP Dolly you were the best

What kind of jeans does a ghost wear?
Just a paranormal jeans

Did you know that birthdays are really good for your health?
The more you have them, the longer you live.

How do you send a soda to an astronaut?
By bottle rocket

Why don't Oysters like to give up their pearls?
Because they're shellfish