What do you call a hooker who is great at keeping time?
Whorologist

What's the gender of a doorbell?
Male, because it has a ding dong.

My dog got into our scrabble box and ate a whole bunch of word tiles, we rushed her to the vet and are still waiting.
No word yet.

A trip to the grocery store
I was having a birthday party for my niece and wanted to make her cake, so I went to the grocery store. Much to my dismay, all of the baking items I needed were on top shelves, out of my reach. A Viking saw my predicament and asked if he could help by letting me sit on his shoulders to get what I needed. In just a few minutes, I had everything so he put me back down. I shook his hand, thanked him, then asked him his name but he said he didn't have one. I then realized...I'd been through the desserts on a Norse with no name.

What kind of key can open a banana?
A monkey

What do you call a mouse that swears?
A cursor

Driver Instructor to driving student You are driving, there is an old woman and a young child in front of you, what do you hit? Driving Student Well I guess I would hit the old woman, the child has their whole life ahead of them.
Driver Instructor You hit the Brakes!

What do you call a hippie's wife?
Mississippi.

Im opening a funeral parlor for people of no specific faith and calling it
Die Agnostic Services

An Egyptian mummy has been found covered in chocolates and nuts
archaeologists believe it could be Pharoah Roche

I was dating a girl at the office named Lorraine
We had gone out for a while. A new cute girl named Claire Lee started working in our group. I really liked her but still liked Lorraine. After a month or so, Lorraine got transferred to another city.

It was fine. I can see Claire Lee now. Lorraine is gone.

If you put a picture of yourself in a locket, you could say you were
independant.

I asked my sister what to get my niece for her birthday
She said she's really into Frozen stuff, so I got her some oven chips and peas.

Why couldn't the lumberjack finish school?
Anytime he SAW his homework he was stumped. Couldn't HACK it.

My boss fired me from the auto parts store for stealing. I dont know what his problem is. It was his idea.
Every day, he told me to make sure I take brakes.

How does a penguin build a house?
Igloos it together.

I recently went to a gas station in Minneapolis and I was surprised that they sold those big 2-liter bottles of Pepsi and Coca Cola.
Because in that state I thought they would only sell a mini soda.

Most knights during the Middle Ages were only moderately terrible.
They were mid-evil.

Why do bees stay in their hives over winter?
swarm.

I bought some coconut shampoo the other day
now my coconuts are cleaner then ever

At dinner, I told my date I was trying to figure out what her favorite hobby might be. She leaned in, pounded her fist on the table and yelled, I MAKE JAM AND PUT IT IN TINY GLASS CONTAINERS!
It was jarring.

What do you call a bee that cant make up its mind?
A maybe

My wife and I decided we didn't like sleep, we hated having a clean house and didn't want any money to spend on ourselves.
So we decided to have three kids.

I cant believe someone broke into my house and stole all my fruit
I am peachless!

I wanted to work in a warehouse so I became a mountaineer.
But even after climbing all sorts of mountains and cliffs, they still wouldn't hire me. I don't understand, I'm four cliffed certified like they asked.