Bad news, everyone. Ive been diagnosed with the peekaboo virus.
Theyre sending me to the ICU!

Im lactose intolerant but my friend gave me milk
How dairy

I knew a guy who was arrested for stealing hay.
Unfortunately, he couldnt make bale.

At dinner, I told my date, Jeez, I am freezing! She said, Ill go ask if they have a space heater.
I said, No thanks, I need something for down here.

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you
You have my word.

I met a witch for the first time today, but I think I'd seen her black kitten before.
He seemed a little familiar.

Do you guys know what gay horses eat?
HAAAAAAAAAAAAY

Why isnt Jonathan Ross very good at Star Wars impressions?
Hes a Wookie

Win today
I have 2 stepdaughters and a biological son with my wife. Today I won a silly event at a show dinner in front of my kids. It was so stupid (bucket brigade) but it was in front of them. My son and youngest stepdaughter were so proud to see daddy win. It was a really cool feeling with them especially my son. Something Im still riding high on. I dont really have anyone to share this with so figured I would here. My son hasnt stopped talking about watching daddy win and Im a very happy man.

A farmer asked his horse if it had stolen his thesaurus...
The horse said, "no."

Recently encountered a cat made of Lithium, Oxygen, and Nitrogen
It was a LiON

Sorry, I typically post chemistry jokes periodically

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck
..then theres something wrong with your dog.

Ive got a dog that will only eat shellfish.
Its a Cockle Spaniel.

I went to a bookstore and saw a book titled How to solve 50% of your problems.
I bought two copies.

Did you guys hear about the politician that wants to ban shredded cheese?
They want to make America grate again.

It was today at lunch when I realized I needed to be really careful putting cheddar on my sandwich
It was extra sharp!

I relabeled the spice rack without my wifes permission
She doesnt know it yet, but the thyme is cumin.

On the one hand I broke a finger today.
On the other hand, I am fine.

Einstein came up with a theory about space.
And it was about time, too.

At the age of 95, my grandfather Gerald from Yorkshire is still a prolific footballer. He has scored 3 times in every match this season.
We call him Gerry 'at trick.

I met my future wife in the glue factory where we both worked.
We bonded immediately.

What did the blacksmith do after he farted?
Smelt it

Watch out for the Asexuals
you wont see them coming.

My son used to dress up as a pig every Halloween, but this year, hes doing something different.
I think that costume started to boar him.

What do you call a row of rabbits hopping away?
A receding hare line.