Alcohol consumption is set to rise by 350% in England during the World Cup.
Until the group stages are over.
What kind of pants does a ghost hunter wear
Just a paranormal jeans
Two drunks are about to get in a fight, when one draws a line in the dirt and says, If you cross this line, Ill hit you in the face!
That was the punchline.
My wife bet me $1000 I couldnt turn spaghetti into a car.
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.
Why do sperm cells look like commas and apostrophes?
They often interrupt periods and lead to contractions
A man arrives at a costume party with a girl on his back. "I am a turtle," he says. "Who's on your back?"
"That's Michelle
Kermit the Frog walked into a bank to borrow some money to make his next movieThe loan officer introduced himself as John Pattywhack, then told Kermit hed need to offer something as collateral
Take this, Kermit said, and handed the loan officer an unfamiliar object
The loan officer looked at him and said, Im gonna need to talk with my manager
The loan officer showed the object to his manager
Kermit offered this as collateral but I have no idea what it is
The manager rolled his eyes and said, its a knickknack, Pattywhack. Give the frog a loan.
I have really been enjoying my vacation in Norway
I just wish it was more afjordable.
If Jesus is the Son of God, then God is the Dad of Christ, and if all Dads do Dad jokes, what would be some Celestial Dad humor?
My thought is Australia.
What did Caesar say when his best friend sneezed?
Achoo, Brute?
Did you hear about the game of the year that made zero dollars?
Me neither, that doesnt make any cents.
Why did the dinosaur break up with his girlfriend?
Because his ex stinks.
Why was the dictionary afraid to cross the road?
It couldn't look left or right, it could only look up.
The mods told me to stop making bird jokes
I've been going for the cheep laughs.
A small church was raising funds for a new piano. On Sunday the pastor said, Whoever gives the most money today for the offering can pick out 3 hymns.So they passed the basket around and the pastor saw a $100 bill in there.
He said Looks like we have a winner! Whoever gave the $100 bill can come to the front & select 3 hymns.
An 80-year old woman got up, walked to the front, & pointing her finger at the congregation, said,
Ill take him, him, and him!
I might have to start going back to church.
Detectives knocked on my door and said that they were looking for a burglar with one eye.
I said wouldn't it be better if you used both eyes.
There's a breed of bats that navigate with mild cursing.
They use Heckolocation.
How do you get Lyme disease on the Moon?
From luna ticks
My therapist suggested getting an emotional support animal. So I got a chicken. Deep fried, came with a milkshake.
Feeling better now.
I told my carpenter I didnt want carpeted steps.
He just gave me a blank stair.
TrappedI was training someone at my job and was talking about using snap traps for mice. I said, "you don't want to add too much bait to the trigger or it could weigh it down and set the trap off.
It can cause premature e-snapulation."
They didn't find it as funny as I did.
My dog Minton, just bit my sports equipement to pieces.
Bad Minton!
A very skinny girl came into a bookstore and asked the clerkWhat is the chance you would have a book on religion curing an eating disorder.
The clerk responded Slim to nun
Austin Richard Post raps under the stage name Post MaloneMacaulay Culkin raps under the stage name
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Ho Malone.
What do you call an onion that wont stop rhyming?
A rap scallion.