In other news...
...the sexual position formerly known as 69 will be replaced with 96.

Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up.

Siri, why am I so bad at relationships with women?
This is Alexa.

Whenever I get self-conscious in social situations, I reach into my pocket and rub a tiny rock.
Then I start feeling a little boulder.

My boss is threatening to fire the employee who has the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.

What do you call a guy who is even more laidback than Jeffery Lebowski?
Subdued

My girlfriend and I were setting up camp when we heard someone screaming Help! Help me! from deep in the woods. I immediately dropped what I was doing, wrapped myself in a giant warm pita, and while I slathered on tzatziki sauce, my girlfriend pleaded, Please, stop!
You dont always have to be a gyro.

Why aren't French fries actually cooked in France?
Because they are cooked in Greece

What did the Indian kid say after the substitute teacher tried to kick him out?
Na imma stay

My father always said, "When one door closes another one opens."
He was a terrific father and a terrible cabinet maker.

What does it sound like when a vampire sneezes?
Nosfer-AACHOO!

My wife says I dont listen
or something like that.

Teacher: "What do you mean, you ate your homework? Why would you do this?"
Student: "Because you said, it would be a piece of cake!"

What's the price difference between a beer nut and a deer nut?
A beer nut costs 4.99 and a deer nut is under a buck

What do werewolves say on October 31st?
"Happy Howl-oween"

My dog just swallowed some coins!

Very worried, I'm monitoring him closely, but there's still no change.

Where do hamsters come from?
Hamsterdam

Who was the most polite leader in world history?
Yessir Arafat

Did you know?
Bob The Builder and Jack The Ripper have the same middle name.

What is a werewolfs favorite Cub Scout event?
Pack meetings!

What do you call an undead being that doesn't care whether it eats women or men?
A ZomBi

My sisters grades are so bad, they should be illegal
Shes a Cs and Ds sist

I just injured myself measuring radio frequencies
It still hertz

If there was a pill to cure procrastination
Id probably take it next week

What is the difference between a Vietnamese restaurant and an Indian restaurant ?
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