Last night in bed, my girlfriend was mumbling about being born in 1892 and writing the Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings
I thought: 'she's Tolkien in her sleep again.'

40 years ago today, l asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend and the most gorgeous woman l know to marry me.
All three said no

Breakfast Snake
My 9 month old daughter was eating a banana this morning and was taking some seriously large bites. My wife said she looked like a snake unhinging its jaw. To which I said

"Shes a Bananaconda!"

I felt the collective eye roll from the entire household lol.

Grandpa in the hospital
A man goes to visit his grandpa in the hospital.
How are you, grandpa? he asks.
Feeling fine, says the old man.
Whats the food like?
Terrific, wonderful menus.
And nursing?
Just couldnt be better. These young nurses really take care of you.
What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?
No problem at all nine hours solid every night. At 10 oclock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet and thats it. I go out like a light.
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge.
What are you people doing, he says,
Im told youre giving a 95-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely, that cant be true?
Oh, yes, replies the Sister.
Every night at 10 oclock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed.

What do you call a fake fish?
A de-koi

What do you call a female pirate who loses a leg?
Peg.

What did the cannibals wife give him when he got late to dinner?
The cold shoulder

I got an award for my ability to keep secrets.
I cant tell you how much it means to me.

I hate dating apps.
I'm going to start dating women instead.

How do you fit an elephant into a SafeWay bag?
You take the S out of "Safe" and the F out of Way.

What did Mary Poppins like for dinner?
Soup or Ahi frozen fish sticks , ex peas, all delicious

The aorta is my favorite artery
It has a special place in my heart.

What does a Mexican duck say?
Guac guac.

Alphabet is raising $80 billion by selling stock to invest in AI
I bet the other 24 letters are pissed!

What can you eat on, sleep in and brush your teeth with?
A plate, a bed and a toothbrush

I've just begun a speed-reading course, and last night I read Great Expectation in 15 seconds
I know it's only two words, but I'm still a beginner.

A turtle is crossing the road when hes mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened,
the shaken turtle replies, I dont know. It all happened so fast.

Im starting to get suspicious of the elm trees that line the National Mall in Washington, DC.
I really think they might be government plants.

Our priest has been trying to persuade some new singers to join the church.
He's preaching to acquire.

Having a bad day . Tried my best to cook some Middle Eastern/Israeli food and failed miserably
I just really falafel about it

Did you know Don Knotts's favorite number was 5?
It's true. It's because he played Barney FIVE on the Andy GrifFIFTH show.

I searched for a lighter on Amazon..
but all I could find were 6,000 matches.

[NSFW-ish] The other day I heard someone singing "It's getting hot in here, so take off all your-"
And I had to interject.

"Whoa, Nelly!"

I have asked many people what LGBQTIA+ stands for....
So far no-one has given me a straight answer.

I never mention how much I hate listening to music on the lake.
I don't want to rock the boat.