A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down.He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."
Te bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."
I sent an email to CEO of Lego yesterday. He didn't respond.
I think i got blocked
I was confused when my wife texted me, Get home safe, babe.
We already own a home safe.
Why couldn't the jalapeno practice archery?
Because it didn't habanero.
There was once a man named Odd.People made fun of him because of his name so he decided to keep his gravestone blank when he died.
Now when people pass by the burial site, they point and say, "That's odd."
Three guys on a boat have 4 cigarettes.
But they have nothing to light them with. So they toss one cigarette overboard to make the boat a cigarette lighter.
How do you call 2 ducks that exist but shouldn't ?
A pair o' ducks
If you want to be a great photographer
You have to stay focussed.
I ran a marathon with my Bible in my hands.
Now my Psalms are all sweaty.
Why are dogs terrible at dancing?
They have two left feet.
What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?
A father in law.
My wife was surprised to learn that my blood runs orange instead of red.
I guess she didnt realize I had carroted arteries.
I've been looking into corruption in the elevator industry and I've discovered...
...it goes all the way to the top.
I brought edibles to my buddys dinner party
He said its a potluck!
What do you call a pod of musical black and white whales?
An Orca-Stra
Wise wordsME: I hurt my arm carrying that big, heavy can of mineral spirits outside to light the charcoal!
HER: Next time use some lighter fluid.
I heard touching poison ivy can change your pronouns. So I figured Id give it a shot.
Now Im It/She
Told my wife I was going to see the doctor.She said which doctor?
I said, no, a regular one.
What job in the military best prepares you for becoming a dentist?
Drill Sergeant.
I cant believe I got arrested for breaking into the zoos skunk exhibit.
I was just following odors.
Two girls run out of a lake house at the same speed, landing in the water exactly 25 feet from the shore and 25 feet from one another, all while looking each other straight in the eye. How is this possible?
The answer is truly a paradox
If you watch The Lion King closely,
youll notice lots of Simba-lism!
A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly.Of course, they were Wright.
Two Chinese brothers tried it also...but they were Wong.
Why do you never see giraffes wearing camouflage?
Because they are so good at it
What is Darth Vaders favorite James Bond movie?
Dr. Nooooooo!!