I dont usually tell dad jokes in the shower
But when I do, he screams, GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!

What's the crappiest punctuation mark?
The colon.

My wife is on a new diet inspired by squirrels. She says it's a bit out there...
But to me it's just plain nuts.

My wife asked me to draw a milk bath for her to get rid of bad rash. I wanted to be sure I was getting the right kind, so I asked, Do you want it pasteurized?
She said, No, just up to my chin.

There's nothing sexier than German women doing handstands.
They really turn my Frauen upside down.

A woman was on trial for bashing her husband over he head with his guitars. First offender?asked the judge.
No, she relied. First a Gibson, then a Fender.

I have a terrible phobia of elevators.
I'm taking steps to avoid them.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

I went bald about a year ago but I still carry my comb around
I just cant seem to part with it.

Elton John has bought a treadmill for his pet rabbit.
Its a little fit bunny.

My first job was unboxing and labeling spices.
It was just a seasonal job.

Today my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach.
"That's not gonna work" she said. "It sure does" I said, " It's the only way I can see the numbers"

What did the escalator say when it stopped working?
Nothing. It just stops and stairs.

What's the most embarrassing part of a house?
A basement.

I ate a kids meal at McDonalds today.
His Mom was Furious!

Just thought of this one, original as far as I know....
A mother takes her son to the doctor. She says to the doctor

"I'm a bit worried about my son. He's really, really cold. And he seems to be a bit neuro diverse"

The doctor looks at the boy and says

"Ah, yep. Your son has Iceberger's"

When does a normal joke turn into a Dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.

My friend never stops talking about how much they love cheese
It really grates on me

Riding a pony made me sick
It made me feel a little hoarse

What did Freddie Mercury say when someone offered him a free sandwich on Mardi Gras?
Im just a poboy - I need no sympathy!

My wife is threatening to leave me for never putting the toilet seat down
To be honest, Im getting a little tired of carrying it around.

Yesterday, I installed a new transmission into a friends car. Was that a good idea?
He auto know.

If your wife wants to role-play, dont show up dressed like a giant shrimp
Youll krill the mood.

Why do rocks make horrible musicians?
Because they're too stoned.

[NSFW] What did the leper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip.