Strangely, I found stir fry all over my bed this morning
...must have been sleep woking again...

Did you hear about the constipated math teacher?
He worked it out with a pencil.

Why dont accountants last long in bed?
Theyre too busy trying to balance the sheets.

My wife vetoed my request to buy expensive extra-large boxers.
She clearly doesnt appreciate the national emergency for lavish ballroom.

How do you dry a rabbit ?
With a hare dryer

If I had pet ducks and I caused a huge fight between them,
Would you say I have all my ducks in a row?

I live my life by a couple of simple rules.
No pee jokes. That's number one.

No poop jokes. That's number two.

Mozart was a child prodigy.
Seriously, he was A sharp minor.

In school I excelled at all my class except Greek Mythology...
It was my Achilles Elbow.

If only someone could speed up the deer reproduction process.
They could probably make a million bucks

Anytime I visit a sex shop, I secretly draw little sprinting legs on the rubber ball mouthpieces.
Its a running gag.

My dad was bragging about his new hearing aid, State of the art! Cost me a small fortune. I said, Awesome. What type is it? He replied...
Two thirty.

I told my suitcase there would be no vacation this year
Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage.

I just ate the numbers 3, 5, 7, 9 and 11.
They tasted odd.

Why were the Monkees kicked out of the Bee Keeper Club?
Because they're bee leavers!

Son: Dad, I think the bougie man is under the bed? Dad: Don't you mean the boogeyman?
Voice from under the bed: Wow, the thread count on these sheets is PATHETIC.

What's Ross Geller's favourite type of Excel table?
Pivottttt.

Why shouldn't wildlife photographers sit on arctic ice for too long?
They're at risk of developing polaroids

What do you call a psychic who loves their job?
A happy medium....

I got fired from my set designer job
I left without making a scene

What do you call someone who helps pharaohs with their posture?
Cairo-practors!

Roadside Burrito
I ate a bad roadside burrito and decided to go to church the next morning. They made me sit in my own pew.

Early in their career, Blue yster Cult was on tour and their bus broke down near Drain, Oregon.
Destitute and sorrowful, they got a tow to the gas station, which, fortunately, was owned by a fan, who said: "Don't fear the repair."

I told my suitcase there'd be no vacation this year.
Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage.

I come from a family of failed magicians.
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I have two half sisters...