I was heartbroken when my wife told me that my five-year-old was not my son.
Then she told me to pay more attention at kindergarten pickup.

Someone broke into our house last night and stole a dozen eggs.
They also left a pan of boiling water on the stove.

Police believe it was poachers.

Its been 3 years since I started training for the ejaculation distance championships
Since then Ive come a long way.

My friend tony told me not to say his name backwards
I said "y not?"

I almost made a post here about margarine
But then I realized I could do butter

A farmer has successfully grown a field of vibrators.
Unfortunately, he now has a problem with squatters.

I could never be vegan.
For me, it'd be a huge "missed steak."

Ive been trying to come up with a jokes about unemployment
But none of them are working.

What is the problem with cross-eyed teachers?
They can't control their pupils.

Apparently, Northern Ireland has a completely different version of Beauty and the Beast. In most places, the princess is too slow to escape.
But over there, Belle fast.

Just wanted to let yall know I have a pet termite.
I named him Clint.
Clint Eatswood

I like to fornicate expensive words into my sentences
Even if I don't know what they mean

Patrick an Murphy at the pub
Patrick and Murphy are talking over a pint of Guinness at their local bar:
Patrick said to Murphy.
A strange thing happened at home last night.
Murphy inquired. And what was that?
Patrick answered. The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer.
Murphy And what did you tell her?
Patrick I told her I was looking for cheap flights.
Murphy So what did she say about that?
Patrick She said she loved me, threw me on the floor and we had the most amazing sex.
Murphy Ill bet that surprised, you Pat?
Patrick That it did Murphy. Shes never shown the remotest interest in darts before!

What do you call a group of four squids?
A squad

My son was born without eyelids. So the skin from the circumcision was used to make eyelids. Everything turned out good.
The only thing is he turned out a little cockeyed.

Told my urologist that I was peeing 3 times a night and asked what could be done
A finger insert later he said, urine trouble

Ive actually got two books for recording my dad jokes. My really quiet ones
And a second volume.

Which Russian author was named after his bad habit of shoving his family?
Pushkin.

The human body gradually adapts to whatever temperature you keep your thermostat set at.
(to a degree)

What do you say to a Russian official complaining about Ukranian airstrikes?
Crimea river!

I almost decided to start worshipping paper bags
But decided that would be sack religious.

If flour comes from wheat, and sugar comes from cane, and chocolate comes from the cocao plant, would that makes cookies a salad?
...technically? Not a cake though because it has eggs and milk. Although it could be considered a breakfast food .

I was looking forward to watching the World Origami Championship
Apparently, its only on Paper View

Did you hear the one about the dyslexic atheist insomniac?
He would lie awake at night and wonder if there was a dog or not.

I'm so old
I went into an antique store, and they wouldn't let me leave