I gorged on 14 cans of alphabet soup a few days ago
Ended up having a crippling vowel movement.

Then, was constipated with the consonants.

At the doctor's office. No word yet.

My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100.
I lost Interest in that relationship.

Itd be a big mistake to start flirting with nuns.
Trust me, you dont wanna get into that habit.

What did the husband say to his wife after accidentally sticking his arms through the legs of his jeans?
Honey, I just shirt my pants!

I spent $500 renting a limo but just learnt that the car doesnt come with a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffeur it!

If you lost an eye and the only way to replace it was using part of a tree... would you do it?
I would

I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick instead of her lip stick
She still isnt talking to me

One big difference between men and women
is that if a woman says "Smell this", it usually smells nice

The other day I found out my toaster wasn't water proof.
I was shocked!

What's the female equivalent of tea bagging?
A flappuccino.

If my wife didn't have all her toes, I wouldn't have married her.
I'm lack-toes intolerant.

Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it
Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made

I just read through 6 pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.

I grabbed a chemist and forced him to give me a vial of magnesium sulfate...
He claimed it's assault.

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him...
....Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He's a web designer.

The other day I was diagnosed with anxiety and constipation
Now I'm worried shitless.

Whats the best move if youre attacked by clowns?
Go for the juggler

My son asked if trees poop?
I said of course, how do you think we get number two pencils?

I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer.
Me :: "Ok, this isn't working out."

Why don't aliens come visit us?
Because we only have one star.

How many birds does or take to change a lightbulb?
One cannot, but Toucan.

People were giving me guff for wearing a hat with a bank logo on it
But everyone should have a financial ad visor

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh

Its such a bummer that Islam, Christianity, and Judaism have all been fighting with each other for centuries.
Hinduism on the other hand, they never had any beef!

Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because seven was a known six offender.