A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

So sad news, my girlfriend broke up with me for having a small wiener
Its ok.. I was never really that into her

At dinner, my date leaned in and said, Tonight Im gonna do you 3, 5, or 7 times.
I said, I like those odds.

A cop asked me, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
I told him, "I was just trying to keep up with traffic."

He looked around and said, "There is no traffic."

I replied, "Thats how far behind I am!".

Did you hear about the warehouse that was robbed last night?
They took a pallet of paprika and a pallet of oregano. Investigators believe this was the work of seasoned criminals.

Have you heard of Murphys law? Yeah. What is it? If something can go wrong, it will go wrong. Thats right. Have you heard of Coles law? No, what is it?
Thinly sliced cabbage and mayo

What do you call a Frenchman who was attacked by a cat?
Claude.

I like spices
My wife asked me why I was sprinkling thyme on her chest.

Well honey, you know I love a good spice rack.

The advertising person for Lays is being accused of murdering Chuck Norris to protect his companys reputation.
Apparently Chuck *could* eat just one.

I hit someone with my lunch.
It was a club sandwich.

for those companies that are short staffed,
why you don't hire taller people

Why do bees have sticky hair?
They use honeycombs.

TIL alligators can live up to 100 years which is why there's an increased chance that...
...they will see you later!

My doctor told me I have arthritis.
I think its just early-onset rigor mortis though.

A Necrophiliac sleeps with dead people. A Necromancer
...buys them dinner, first.

Did you hear about the Glass-blower who sucked?
He got a pane in his tummy.

The Pope is handing out miracles to kids in Liverpool.
Billy walks on stage and asks him, "Can you help me with my hearing?

The Pope says, "Yes" and puts his hands on Billy's ears and prays, he removes his hands and says, "How is your hearing now?

Billy says, "I don't know, it's not until next Wednesday

"How dare he, no one has ever called me that before"
said I, as my son called me dad for the first time

A Canadian tourist in Australia gets hit by a car.
He wakes up in the hospital with a doctor standing over him.

He asks the doctor Did I come here to die?

The doctor replies Nah mate, you came here yesterday.

Do you know that vampires can raise the dead?
They're neck romancers.

Two men were walking through the woods when they came across a huge, dark hole
​

Curious, one of them picked up a small rock and tossed it in.

They waited.

No sound.

That must be a really deep hole, one said. Lets try a bigger rock.

They found a much larger rock, carried it over, and dropped it in.

They listened.

Still nothing.

Now they were really puzzled.

Nearby, they spotted a heavy railroad tie lying in the brush.

Grunting and groaning, they dragged it to the hole and shoved it in.

Not a sound.

Suddenly

A goat came flying out of the woods at full speed, ran past them, and leapt straight into the hole!

The two men stood there, stunned.

A moment later, an old farmer wandered out of the woods.

Say, one man asked. Have you lost a goat? We just saw one come running out of the woods and jump right into that hole!

The farmer scratched his head and said, Nope that couldnt have been my goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie.

I got a speeding ticket in Washington DC yesterday.
It's a capital offense.

Who was the sexiest philosopher?
Epictetus.

What do you call a man faking it as a dad?
Impopster.