People who write "burro" when they mean "burrow"...
... clearly don't know their ass from a hole in the ground.

I just heard rodents might start a revolution.
Imagine mice uprise.

A lot of people dont realize that French fries arent cooked in France.
Theyre cooked in Greece.

What does a pirate do when hes hot?
​He turns on the arrr-conditioner.

I accidentally sprayed body spray in my mouth.
Now I speak with an Axe scent.

Who is the richest Irishman?
Why, its Bill ONare!

Teacher: Please give me a sentence using these three words: defence, defeat, and detail.
Student: "When a dog jumps over defence, defeat go first, then detail."

I saw an NSFW ad earlier
The man in the construction site didn't have his hard hat.

Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.

Why do we say no pun intended and not
That was pun-intentional

What kind of person always fails to finish their sentences?
A jailbreaker, because they

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr. Dre

Hello all, selling used Parachutes...
Lifetime Warranty:

If it doesn't work, just bring it back, we'll exchange it.

I saw a group of kids throwing Scrabble tiles at each other.
Its all fun and games until someone loses an I.

Anyone excited about the new Christopher Nolan movie?
I heard it's a film you Odyssey to believe!

A person asked me, "Are you the guy who always brags about weird stuff?"
I replied "No, I'm the guy who takes the longest baths in the county".

I saw a NSFW ad not too long ago
What a cheeky commercial

My wife asked if I had taken a shower today.
I said, "No. Why, are you missing one?"

Seventy percent of the earths surface is covered in water and none of it is carbonated
Thats proof that the earth is flat.

Australias biggest export is boomerangs.
It is also their biggest import.

What do you call a catfish with internet access?
Click-bait.

I was at the butcher's today and I noticed he was working alone
'What happened to your assistant?' I asked
'I sacked him,' he replied.
'Why did you do that?'
'He kept putting his willy in the bacon slicer.'
'What did you do with the bacon slicer?'
'I sacked her too.'

Which superhero swings through apple orchards catching criminals with webs?
Cider man.

A man turned to his friend and said he was scared of doing a conga line..
The friend replied, "don't worry, I've got your back!"

(An original made up by my 7yo son)

I can't believe how hot it is today
It's so hot that my garlic had to take its cloves off