My wife: "You promised to stop with the Darth Vader quotes after we got married"
Me: "I am altering the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further."
Do you know the difference between the USA and a yoghurt?
If you leave a yoghurt alone for 250 years, it develops a culture.
My wife opened a new store, specializing in one particular size of flashlight battery. It is downtown, next door to the optometrist/eyeglass shop.
She sells c-cells by the see store
A guy goes to prison, and on his first day he's sitting in the cafeteria, and someone yells "number 54" and the whole room erupts into laughter.The next day he's eating again, someone else yells out "number 71" and again the room fills with laughter.
He turns to the guy next to him and asks "what's the deal with the numbers?"
Guy next to him responds "well most of us have been here so long, we hear the same jokes over and over and over again. So we numbered them, to save us time."
So the new guy decides to give it a try he stands up and yells "number 25" and there is dead silence. He turns to the guy next to him and asks "what's the deal, why did no one laugh"
He responds "some guys just don't know how to tell a joke".
Called the Wildlife Hotline.
Was told to push 3 for Bird life, push 4 for Fish life, or hold on for Deer life.
Yesterday I had a date that was perfect.
Tomorrow, Ill have a fig.
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
7 was a 6 offender
A whale watching group's boat was set on fire...
The attacks were orcastrated.
How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Trump said he did it and they all clap in the dark
I know approximately 8 things;
How to estimate is not one of them
At the end of dinner, I asked my date if shed mind bringing the wine and dessert to our llama picnic this weekend. She said, I dont know what that is but sure.
Smiling, I took her hand and said, Alpaca lunch.
Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a man in a trench coat came up and flashed them One old lady immediately had a stroke.
The other couldn't quite reach.
I got asked out by five girls today!
I was definitely in the wrong bathroom.
Now that all the celebrating over the birth of our independence two hundred and fifty years ago has ended---the barbeques, the fireworks, the tall ships, etc.---
I find I'm having postparty depression.
I recently got bit by a German Shepard....
Turns out my neighbor Hans doesn't like it when you try to herd his sheep for him.
When my wife wanted to add more stuffing to our pillows, I told her it wasnt necessary.
But she doubled down.
Second hand stores.
I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store.
I told him, "I don't think they have what you're looking for, sir."
Excuse me, where is the gender neutral restroom?
Thanks, I really need to take a she/it
I went to the gym today asked the instructor to teach me to do the splits. Are you flexible, he asked.
Well, I cant do Tuesdays, I said.
An elderly man was having difficulty hearing in one ear
At the emergency room, a Dr. looked into his ear, reached for forceps, and pulled a blob out of the man's ear. " Do you know what this is?" the Dr. asked the man.." No" said the man. " It's a suppository. What is a suppository doing in your ear?" said the Dr. The man replied. " Never mind that, help me get my hearing aid back!"
I took my kids on a trip in a camper van and all they kept asking was..
RV there yet?
What is the name of the film in which toys come to life and are critical of tsarist authority, the Orthodox Church, and private property?
Tolstoy
Not saying I'm old,
but I was born before chickens had fingers.
Why did the phone need glasses?Because she lost all her contacts
Found on a laffy taffy I ordered from US
I need to take a minute and thank everyone in this sub for their support. Today has been a really sad day.
But yesterday was a Sadder-day.