On the first day of my flying lessons, I looked down nervously and asked my instructor, What are all these buttons for?
He said, Those are to keep your shirt closed.

I told my wife that if I ever owned a sailboat, I would name it Ccccccc.
That way, I can sail the seven C's.

Given their anatomy, some people wonder how mermaids can give birth.
They usually have a sea section.

I don't understand why women carry a baby for nine months.
It would make more sense if it was gestate.

My son asked me, Dad, today I watched someone do 50 pushups. Do you think you could do that?
I said, Of course, son. I dont want to brag, but I could probably watch someone do 100 pushups.

Jet Skis are poorly named.
Obviously it's a boatorcycle.

Last Night A man was Hit by a Violin then a Clarinet and then a French Horn
Police say it was an Orchestrated attack...

A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered."

What do you call a cat making a pot of coffee?
A Purr-colator.

I saw my wife using her phone to record her getting a haircut.
I think she plans to look at the highlights later.

How does a prisoner make a call?
On a cell phone.

What's a pirate's favorite Nirvana song?
Come as you ARRRRrrrggghhh!

Why can't my young son tell a dad joke?
He's not fully groan.

Last Christmas, my girlfriend got really angry when I gave her a box of photos of all her old boyfriends.
I still dont know why, she said she wanted an ex box.

I was re-potting and moving my greenery indoors and found out that they had been spying on me while acting like my friends.
It turns out they were plants.

What's the capital of Africa?
The "A". This is an effective use of an old joke because it baits them into thinking they're smart by saying "Africa is a continent, not a country." That's when you pull the carpet from beneath their feet and make them face-palm.

If your car is running
I'm voting for it

My dad told me to find myself a good feller
So I married an arborist.

My favorite winter coat is falling apart and I'm going to have to throw it out.
Or sew its seams.

Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson are merging.
The new company is called Titty Titty Bang Bang.

My boss wants me to sign up for a 401K.
No way I'm running that far.

Bob and Sue were strolling down the street when they bumped into a priest.
The priest smiled and said, Ah! Didnt I marry you two last year?

Bob nodded. Yes, Father, you did.

And tell me, the priest asked, any little ones yet?

Sue sighed, Not yet, unfortunately.

With a warm grin, the priest said, Well, Im on my way to Rome. Ill light a candle for youmay it bless you with children. Then he waved goodbye and continued on his way.

Years later, Sue ran into the same priest again.

He asked eagerly, So, did the candle work? Any children?

Sue laughed, Oh, yes! Two sets of twins and six more after thatten kids altogether!

The priests eyes widened. Ten! Thats incredible! But wheres Bob?

Sue leaned in and winked. He went to Rome to blow out your candle.

My wife asked if I could explain what a double entendre is.
I said "i'll fill you in."

I hired a kid to paint my porch, when he came back to my front door hours later to get paid
He informed me it was a BMW, not a Porsche.

The kids and I got excited when the realtor said the place we were gonna look at had a green house in the back.
Turns out it was just a shed made of glass.