I was gonna tell all of you a joke about mixing Helium with other elements, but then I decided not to . . .
I knew I wouldnt get a reaction

William Shatners' new line of womens' lingerie has been tanking in sales
There were probably better names than Shatner Panties

I pleaded, Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus! He said, "Repeat infractions?" I responded...
"Fine. 3/5 of my tickets are bogus!"

How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Trump said he did it and they all clap in the dark

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers.
Yes, he said. My Grandad taught me.

Good. So what comes after eight?

Nine, answered Johnny.

And what comes after nine?

Ten.

And what comes after ten?

The jack.

I dont know how she keeps making blockbusters.
But Anne Hathaway.

When I was a kid we were so poor that my dad served a 1/1000th scoop of ice cream for dessert.
He called it a Milli Vanilli.

When does a joke turn into a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent

Do you want cheddar "and" prov cheese on your burger?
Or just provolone?

What do you call a woman who lights all her bills on fire?
Bernadette

I call the day I left prison my period
Because a period marks the end of a sentence.

My daughters boyfriend just Dad Joked me and Ill be honest, I think she needs to marry him.
So last night we had some storms roll through including some really wicked lightning. I still made a point to make a beer run, and when I got back I posted a video of the lightning to Facebook with a caption explaining the beer run as a context.

My daughters boyfriend responds with: It must have been pretty scary if it made your beer run.

I already knew this before she moved in with him, but I think the guys a winner, folks.

I asked my wife to put on a Mandalorian outfit
I guess I have a Boba Fettish..

Where do bad rainbows go?
​

To prism.

It's a light sentence, but it gives them time to refract.

Have you heard of the Irishman who can bounce off walls?
Rick O'Shea

What do you call two men sitting on a window?
Kurt n Rod.

Have you heard of the bird that makes fun of everyone?
He parroties everything.

Why is it so difficult change a light bulb?
Everyone who tries keeps screwing up

My job as a customs officer is really affecting my health.
All those seizures.

Every time I create a profile on Reddit it gives me a vampire-related username.
Guess something's up with the Create Account button.

This man was about to throw dough, cheese, and tomatoes at me
I said, You wanna pizza me?

I have a pet marine mammal that double-checks all my decisions.
It's my seal of approval.

I made a ladder into a canoe
Now, Im gonna sit right down and ride myself a ladder.

I have a joke about a girl who only eats plants
But you probably never heard of herbivore

What is the slogan of Tigger's plumbing company?
"Looking for Pooh"