What does DNA stand for?
National dyslexia association

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their grandkids overnight.
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his grandson's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The grandson said, "I don't think you should take one. They're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10.00 a pill," he replied.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow. "

Later the next morning, the grandson found $110 under his pillow.

He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110.

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"

Ive been struggling to quit heroin
All my attempts have been in vain.

What's the difference between a sock and a camera?
A sock takes five toes.
A camera takes photos.

yeah

My new sweater had a lot of static so I had to return it.
The shop gave me a new one free of charge.

Who can drink 5L of petroleum and stay perfectly in good health?
Jerry can!

I asked my wife if I was the only one she'd been with.
She said, Yes, all the others were nines and tens.

At dinner, my date showed me her car tattoos. Chevy on my right arm, classic Ford on my left, Toyota on this thigh, Tesla on the other, and check out my belly button!
I said, Oh wow, its an Audi! She said, Yep, a few inches above my Volvo.

I have the breast pillow ever!
It's made of mammary foam.

What does GPS stands for
Grandpa's preferred shortcut

I dont care what anyone says, Im allowed to cook Eastern European dumplings if I want to.
Its my pierogitive.

My boyfriend told me I have a terrible sense of direction, I got really mad at him.
So I packed up my stuff and right.

Did you hear about the witch whose bbq grill exploded?
She was burned at the steak

A man stumbles upon a lamp and a genie pops out and offers him 3 wishes
Man: For my first wish I'd like to be rich."

Genie: Alright Rich, what's your second wish"...

My wife said I should try getting into a trade.
So does anybody want a new wife?

I had a date last night. It was PERFECT.
Today I'll have a banana.

Sisters
Three sisters aged 82, 84 and 86 live in a house together. One night the 86-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs, was I getting in or out of the bath?.

The 84-year-old yells back, I dont know. Ill come up and see. She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then she yells, was I going up the stairs or down?.

The 82-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, I sure hope I never get that forgetful. She knocks on wood for good measure then yells out, Ill come up and help both of you as soon as I see whos at the door.

A Firefighter runs in to a kindergarten classroom holding up a screwdriver and yells...
"Kids this is not a drill!"

My snooty friend always uses French words like hors doeuvres in his day-to-day conversation.
And thats justfor starters.

My kid came up to my wife and said, Mom, somethings wrong with the dishwasher.
She looked at me and said, Are you okay, babe?

I told my kids money doesn't grow on trees. Then I explained paper
Now we're both confused.

What do you call an untalented horse?
A zero trick pony

What do you call a bee that doesnt brag about their accomplishments?
A humble bee

Im starting a new self help group called Hokey Pokey Anonymous
Its a place to turn yourself around.

To join you just have to show up and put your right leg in

Insects are a really cheap food source
They are locust