The waitress asked me the dumbest question at dinner tonight
I ordered the broccoli cheddar soup, and she asked, Did you want that in a cup or a bowl?

Yes please, otherwise itll get everywhere.

What do you call a cat that cant use a litter box?
Illitterate

Oh
I told my wife I had to go oh. She said whats oh? I said you know when you kind of have to go pee, but you really dont have to go pee right now, but you know if you wait too long you will really have to go pee, so you go pee now just so you dont get to that point where you really have to go per? She said yes. I said thats oh. She said why is that oh?

I said because O comes before P.

I'm not sure if I should become a hair dresser or an author
I think I'll toss a coin and it's heads or tales.

Dad & son.
Son: "Dad, did you go to the same school as me?"
Me: "Yes, 25 years ago. Why do you ask?"
Son: Because today Mrs. Brown said she hasn't seen an idiot like me in 25 years!

What did the band Queen say to a crying baby to get it to stop crying?
"We will rock you."

People ask me why I've started making jokes about helium balloons
I just want to try something light.

Just Now
Me, to daughter: Hey, got some gravel in my knee, now I've got a hole.

Daughter: looks

Me: holds knee up a bit more What've I got now???

Daughter, facepalming: A high-knee hole.

I'm so sorry if this doesn't fit, had to get it somewhere and this was the first place I thought of!

When ordering helium balloons I could choose balloon-type, delivery timeframe, the option to be notified of new products and whether I wanted to add their site to my trusted sites.
Easy choice for me.

Weightless, waitless, waitlist, whitelist.

Dad, I have sand in my shoes.
Really? I have feet in mine.

No dad! It really hurts.

That's called agony of defeat.

Went to tavern named arthritis
The bartender pours a mighty stiff drink.

I went to a rally for the hearing impaired.
They were chanting:
What do we want? HEARING AIDS!
When do we want them? HEARING AIDS!

I was asked to tell some jokes to the 7 noble gases...talk about a tough crowd, sheesh!
I couldn't get a reaction out of any of them!

My wife was like "why don't you treat me like you first treated me when we first started dating?"
So I took her to a dinner and a movie............then dropped her off at her parents.

My friend claims that he scaled Mount Everest, but no one believes him.
I think he made it up.

I go to the same barber that my dad, granddad, and great-granddad went to
Its part of my hairitage

I asked my grandpa if my dad had prune juice growing up.
He said no, he was a regular kid.

Billy Bob walks into Bubba's barn and catches him doing a sexy striptease to a large red piece of machinery.
Billy Bob says "What the heck are ya doing Bubba?"

Bubba replies, "Well, Billy Bob, me an the wife haven't been gettin it on lately and that there therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."

what did the sushi say to the bee?
wasabi

What did the Australian say to the tourist when they told them they were from Norway?
Nor way!

I was on the phone with a friend in Schenectady. The call dropped. When he called back, I asked him what happened.
He said, dischenectady!

I invested in a business franchise to harvest sunflowers using vacuums.
I was assured this business always sucks seeds.

My Dad Joke
I read in a book once, that smoking weed will make you unmotivated, unambitious, it slows your thought processes and lots of other negative things, so I told myself, never again and I haven't read a book since.

I'm currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city...
It's a Rome ants novel.

What do all Star Trek captains have in common?
They all have three ears. A left ear. A right ear. And a final frontier.