What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, inserts neatly in a hole, and works best when jerked?
A Seatbelt

Fact: The worlds longest drum solo was 13 hours and 26 minutes.
It was performed by a 5 year old little bastard on the back of my seat while flying from London to Singapore.

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter
Irrelephant

In a doctors office
Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
Kevin said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had....Kevin said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room..
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.
Kevin said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Kevin said, 'Outside on the truck.
Where do you want me to unload 'em??'

What happens when the fog lifts from Los Angeles?
UCLA

A man went to a fancy dress party with a woman on his back.
The confused host said to the man "What have you come as?"

The man: "A turtle".

The host (even more confused) pointed to the woman and asked "And who is she?"

The man: "Oh that's Michelle"

I have an inferiority complex,
but it's not a very good one.

Whats the definition of a will?
come on guys its a dead giveaway!

There's a new sport trending in Europe called 'quiet tennis.'
It's very similar to regular tennis but without the racket.

I looked in my pantry and the only thing there was a tin of pasta all by itself.
Cannelloni.

I called General Mills company to ask when my free rice, bran, and wheat cereals would arrive.
They assured me that the Chex were in the mail.

A guy walks into a shoe store and says, Do you have any alligator shoes?
We sure do, replies the assistant. What size shoes does your alligator wear?

"Thank you for calling the urology department..."
"Can you please hold?"

I'm taking steps to avoid my fear of elevators.
I was afraid of speed bumps too, but I'm slowly getting over them.

When do you ask hamburgers lots of questions?
When you want to grill them.

A man in a bar was telling a woman how he worked in the early days of the personal home computer boom specializing in RAM.
He made so much money he told her, he retired along with a lot of his colleagues after 10 years. 10 years after that they all got together for a reunion.

Thats so great, she said, how was the reunion?

Like a walk down memory lane, he said!

How do Canadians measure volume?
In Qubec meters.

Never challenge Death to a pillow fight
unless youre prepared for the reaper cushions

I entered ten puns into a pun competition:
I hoped at least one of them would win, but no pun in ten did.

I offered a helping hand at Target today. Got zero appreciation.
My wife and I were walking through Target when an employee in front of us dropped a mannequins arm. Since her hands were full holding the rest of the mannequin, she couldn't bend down to pick it up.
Naturally, I picked it up, held it out to her, and said, "Here, let me give you a hand."
She took it in total silence. My wife just stared at me.

My plan to get rid of the poison ivy in my yard ..
turned out to be a rash decision. I've only scratched the surface. I was just itching to tell you about it.

What do you call a rock thats not a meteorite?
Meteowrong

Three fish are in a tank.
One turns to the others and asks, how do you drive this thing?

What did the alien say when he arrived at the party carrying a red Solo cup?
Take me to your liter.

What do you call a man who is overly prepared?
Justin Case