Today I bought 2 bananas, an apple, and a pack of cigarettes.
The cashier looked at me and said, "You must be single, huh?" And I'm like, "How do you know that?" She said, "Because you're ugly."

Coffee was recently voted the best beverage in the nation, but the election was rigged...
There were many Absent Tea ballots.

When i was young we were so poor we had a clock that was just rock.
they were hard times

My wife asked "Why do you always walk in front of me?"
I said "Sorry?..., I don't follow you."

What do you call a calculator that does not procrastinate?
Calcusooner

What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
Satis-factory

I am going to get a tattoo on my wrist that says "Terror".
Then I can say to people "Look, it's a terrorwrist!"

I said Hi to all my appliances
But only the microwaved.

What is Pac man's favorite cooking utensil?
A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok

3 guys named Barry, Harry and Larry are hiking in the woods. Barry spots some tracks. Look! Bear tracks! Harry replies, Those arent Bear tracks, theyre Moose tracks! Larry chimes in, No, those are Cougar tracks!
Then they were hit by a train.

Never tell a pepper about your personal life.
they'll always be jalapeo buisness

My bank never stops pestering me to borrow money from them.
I've told them at least a dozen times to leave me aloan.

My teacher told me to turn in my essay.
I told her I ain't no snitch.

I told my wife I'm going to take us out to a nice restaurant this Halloweeen
Wife: which restaurant?

Me: no I think it's run by Vampires.

I'd make a construction joke
But I'm still working on it

I cut myself while repairing the roof on my house.
Good thing I already had a shingles vaccine.

I re-labeled all of the jars on my wifes spice rack.
She hasnt noticed yet, but the thyme is cumin.

I used to make dad jokes before I was a dad...
But back then I was a faux pas

My wife insists on being the one that does our taxes
She's Intuit

How many is a Brazilian?
I don't know, but I do know it's more times than you want to get whacked. A friend of mine got a Brazilian whacks and hurt for a long time after.

(borrowed from a comment thread on another joke)

Where do you find sleepy Vikings?
Snoreway!

Credit goes to my 7 year old

My friend recently started teaching math to midgets..
He says it's important to make the little things count.

Where do pirates play games?
The Arr-cade.

Why are elephants so wise?
it comes with getting long in the tooth

Going to Milk it a Little
Wife asked if I could pick up a gallon of milk, I told her of course I could, it only weighs maybe 8 lbs.

She then corrected herself and said "no, from the store." So I got confused and asked "why would it be any heavier at the store?"