Remember to poop before midnight on dec 31
You dont want to be carrying the same $h!t into 2026.

Why doesn't the sun need to go to university?
Because it has 27 million degrees

I got lost while running a marathon in Sweden.
I knew it as soon as I crossed the Finnish line.

A conversation on an airplane
A devout Catholic man boarded a plane and was really dreading the long flight ahead. All of a sudden the pope boarded and was ushered to the seat next to him.

As the man thought about how best to conduct himself and what to say the pope took out a golf pencil and started doing a crossword puzzle.

Wow, His Holiness does crossword puzzles? the man thought. I hope he asks me for help. That'll be my in for a wonderful conversation!

Sure enough, after about 10 minutes the pope leaned over and asked, Do you know a four-letter word for a woman that ends in U-N-T?"

Oh no. The man was speechless. He sat there, thinking The pope won't speak to me if I say what first came to mind. Then the lightbulb came on Oh!" he said. "AUNT. The word you're looking for is 'aunt', Your Holiness."

The pope nodded. "Ah, of course. Do you have an eraser?"

Where do cows go for entertainment?
The mooooovies!

What do you call a network of shy people
A nervous system

I have good and bad news, the doctor said to his patient. Give me the good news first, the patient said. Your test results are back, the doctor said, and you have only two days to live. Thats the good news? the patient exclaimed. Whats the bad news?
Ive been trying to reach you for two days!!!

A man has been stealing wheels off cop cars.
The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

My friend told me he does not understand how cloning works
I said that makes 2 of us

Some rascal has swapped my porch light bulb with an LED!
I'm incandescent!

There's a new movie coming out about mobile homes
You've got to see the trailer

How does Santa know which chimney he went down?
He keeps a log.

To the people that invented zero
thanks for nothing

shocking
My son stuck a fork in the electric outlet. he said it was a shocking experience. I told him not to do it again because that would be re-volting.

Two convicts escaped from maximum security. One is seven feet tall and the other only four feet.
The police want to assure the public that they are looking high and low to find them.

A clown walks into a bar looking tired. The bartender says, Is it hard work being a clown?
The clown says, Its no small feet.

How do you kill a redneck werewolf?
A silver mullet

Invisible man lost his powers after getting his wife pregnant
At least he became a parent.

What noise does a chicken's phone make?
Wing wing.

How do you kill a vegetarian vampire?
You drive a tofu through their heart

You know how some people are know it all's?
Well I'm a not sure at all.

Why is a football stadium so windy?
Because of all the fans

I tried to make a belt out of watches
Total waste of time

But hey at least it held my pants up for a second.

I got interrogated by the Sheep Police
They gave me the good cop, baaaad cop routine.