What is the difference between grey and gray?
Gray is a colour, while grey is a color.

How does a cannibal get rid of bad breath?
He chews on some Men toes

I nearly lost my job as a roofer after being caught masturbating on the first day.
Luckily the boss said I could wipe the slate clean.

My wife and I were desperately trying to figure out dinner when she sighed, Its impossible to make ends meet in this economy. Groceries cost a fortune, and we can barely keep food in the house anymore. I dug around the freezer and found nothing but an old bag of herbs from our garden.
As she started to tear up, I put my hand on her shoulder, held out the bag, and said, Babe these are hard thymes.

I date only women who are from the 500s to the 1500s AD.
This is because I'm into middle-aged women.

What do you call it when you pass gas and it is a masterpiece?
A work of fart!

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet.
And I dont know Y.

Bono and Edge walk into the bar and the barman says,
"Oh No, not U2 again.

A man looks out at the field and watches the cows graze
Somebody asks him:
what are you doing?

he responds:
Someone told me that I should watch what I eat.

I can't date anyone with missing feet..
I'm lack-toes intolerant.

My grandpa beat my grandma to death...
Sorry, meant to say my grandpa passed before my grandma

Do you know why there are pop tarts but not mom tarts?
It's because of the pastryarchy.

I told my girlfriend I spent $100 on a new belt
She said thats a big waist

Why is 3 afraid of being square?
Because 7 will have him for dinner.

Got pulled over by the police
I was late for work and I got pulled over for speeding

the cop asks if I've got a police record

"yeah I've got Walking on the Moon!?"

I was down on my luck until I got a jetpack
And thats when my life took off

Fight with my wife
My wife asked me, Did you eat the last piece of cake in the refrigerator? I said, No, I ate it in the living room.

And, thats how the fight started

Just when you think food cant possibly call you on your phone, BOOM
Onion rings.

Shopping for tinned Tuna
I was in the canned food aisle at the supermarket, debating whether I should buy some tinned tuna.

In the end I decided it was a no drainer.

What do Ancient Egypt and steam engine trains have in common?
They have a toot-in-common.

I can cut wood just by looking at it!
Maybe hard to believe, but I saw it with my own two eyes!

To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office
I will find you.

You have my Word, and I Excel at tracking down thieves.

FDA warns of possible vision loss associated with GLP-1 drugs.
Apparently you can't have your cake and see it too.

I got hit by a bag of cash.
Luckily, my injuries were only Superfiscal.

Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
All of the sailors were marooned.