I'm proud of my 13 yo daughter. I told her to load and run the dishwasher.
She said the dishwasher can't run... it's got no legs!

I'm glad to see my teaching has not been wasted.

My girlfriend said I have no sense of direction.
So I packed my things and right.

One of my friends is a flat earther.
Though he prefers i use the term bulldozer operator.

I went to a store where they use explosives to create jewelry.
As I entered there was a loud "bang". It made my earring.

Yachts.
A wealthy Frenchman was showing off his yachts.
"This is un, this is deux, this is trois, this is quatre, this is six..." "What happened to five?" his wife asked.
"Cinq" he answered

I was driving past a cemetery this morning and saw a man walking around. I shouted, Morning!
He replied, No, just walking the dog.

Why do we dress baby boys in blue, and baby girls in pink?
Because they cant dress themselves.

Today I told my wife about the scientist...
..who imagined a machine which could lessen sudden high-velocity incidents of wind. He never pursued it, though, because he found the whole idea disgusting.

My neighbour told me he was scared to plant an apple tree
I told him to grow a pear.

Today I learned: 'Politics' is a word derived from greek
poli meaning 'many'

tics meaning 'blood sucking parasites'

My daughter used to be into dinosaurs in an huge way
She knew about hundreds of species and could tell you all about them when she was only in Kindergarten. She learned that birds are not only related to dinosaurs, but are so closely related that some argue they are the surviving dinosaurs of today's ecosystem. We liked this idea so much, we all started calling birds dinosaurs. We'd look outside and say, "Hey! There's a dinosaur in the backyard!"

One day, I heard my daughter call out...

"Hey! There's a dinosaur on the fence!"

...to which I replied...

"Then tell him to make up his mind!"

Im done with Jolly Green Giant products
Unfortunately Im never going to buy anymore vegetable products advertised by the Jolly Green Giant. I just realized he stands over the corn and peas!

Son Hey dad can I have 20 bucks?
The Dad responds

10 bucks! What do you need 5 bucks for?

Im about 2 years away from using this in real life.

Why do elephants hate running on the beach?
They cant keep their trunks up.

If horse faiced with two choices, which one he will pick?
Neeeeighter.

What do you call a nut that goes to college?
An academia nut!

I read a book about an alcoholic bird
Tequila mockingbird

What do you call a flying nun?
A bird? A plane?
Nope, nun of the above.

I told my wife our neighbor died. She said, Who? Ray?
I said, Its way too early to celebrate like that.

A man saw another man removing the sides from his square so he copied him
Because he De-sided, too.

Did you hear about the restaurant that only hires little people?
They always have to close early because they're short staffed.

There's a boy band that does dishes.
They are In Sink!

What kind of lettuce does a baby wear?
Bibb

....... these jokes should be stored in a dad-a-base.
..... not all of them, some should never see the light of day again.

Whats the difference between imply and infer ?
You never see a bear dressed imply