A tub of margarine fell on my foot three weeks ago and it still hurts.
I cant believe its not better

I bought a first aid kit today.
I thought Id treat myself.

My wife said: "That's the 4th time you've gone back for dessert! Doesn't it embarrass you?"
I said: "No, I keep telling them it's for you."

I keep mixing up my neurologist and urologist.
The confusion is driving me nuts and pissing me off.

What do you call a nun that can fly?
(A) A bird
(B) A plane
(C) None of the above

Today I was asked how I view lesbian relationships
Apparently "in HD" wasn't the right answer.

Im proud of all my hobbies. Well, except for my microscope collection.
I look down on that one.

I saw an elderly man at the supermarket collecting trolleys.
He must have been pushing 70.

Want to hear a word I just made up?
Plagiarism

What do you call a doctor who specializes in testicular issues?
A Guyknowballogist.

What did the horse dress up as for Halloween?
A nightmare.

Did you hear about the cheese factory in France that exploded?....
Debris is everywhere

I recently changed careers from male model to gardener.
I guess I'm a grower, not a shower.

I told my date over dinner that I worked on oil rigs. She said, Oh wow, whats that like?
"It's mostly boring."

I went to the doctor to get treated for a skin condition.
The doctor said that hed need more time to diagnose the problem because he didnt want to make a rash decision.

I got mugged by 6 dwarves last night.
Not happy

A ghost that used to haunt me as a kid visited me again last night
Gave me dj BOO!!

Someone just accused me of plagiarism.
Their words, not mine.

Doctor, doctor give me the news
A man goes to the doctor with an unusual issue.

"Doc, listen to my thigh!"

The doc, thinking it's a weird request, does as requested.

What he hears is a voice say, "Please loan me $20."

The doc is perplexed.

The guy says, "My knee too! Listen to my knee!"

Again, the doc honors the request.

This time he hears "All I need is $10!"

The man continues, "It doesn't stop there. My ankle talks too!"

The doc takes a listen and sure enough a voice says, "$5. If you could just give me $5!"

The doc starts thumbing through medical journals and papers, but finds nothing.

Finally, he tells the man, "I can't find any such issue in any medical journals or papers, but I can hazard a guess."

The man, desperate to know what it could be, says "Well, what do you think it is?"

The doc says, "Based off my own medical knowledge and life experience, I'd say your leg is broke in three places!"

How to make cyanide:
Mix blueide and greenide.

What three letter word starts with gas?
Car

Did you hear about the chef from Paris that joined a monastery?
He became a French Friar.

There was once a fisherman.
He caught a mermaid once in his net and decided to let her go. When the mermaid went back in the water, she said, "You are a good person, so I will give you an option: you can either choose great wealth or high intelligence." He chose intelligence, and the mermaid granted his wish, but the guy suddenly started to cry. Then the mermaid asked what happened. The guy replied, "You said I could choose wealth or intelligence." The mermaid replied, "Yes" and I choose intelligence, and the mermaid replied, "Yes." But only after being granted intelligence did I realise that I should have chosen wealth.

I just read about the massive Temu Warehouse fire...
Officials say over $1500 of merchandise was destroyed.