My wife told me to stop being an idiot, and just be myself.
I told her to make up her mind.

What do you call a dog on a submarine?
Subwoofer (I'll see myself out)

My wife told me that I spend so much time reading about naval history and building model ships that I'm starting to resemble a boat.
I gave her a stern look

When I was on trial, my proctologist served as a key character witness. Later, I asked him why he decided to help me out.
He said, "It's not just you. I stand behind all my patients."

When grandma suspected grandad of cheating she was like a dog with a bone.
She buried him in the garden.

After an argument, a man sat in his man cave throwing darts at a photo of his wife but not a single one was hitting the target
His wife yelled from upstairs, What in the hell are you doing?

He replied, Missing you!

I used to work with a woman called Ina
Whenever anyone would say Hi Ina, she'd laugh her head off.

They closed the local bridge today...
I still can't get over it.

I asked the Dr what vitamins are the best to make me feel like I was before I was 13
He said, B12

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up,said a sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one student rose to her feet.

Now then young lady, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer.

Well, actually I don't," said the girl, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

What do you call a master of weaving yarn or thread into cloth?
A Loom-inary.

How fast do you have run when you're late for your flight?
Terminal velocity.

A blind man walks into a store and starts swinging his dog above his head. A clerk asks him" can I help you?"
The blind man says "no , I'm just looking around."

I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying.
I can also tell when they're standing.

I was surprised to learn Elon Musk is from South Africa.
Youd think he is from Mad-at-gas-car.

What do you call a duck on drugs?
A quack head!

Whats the difference between a butterfly and a regular fly?
One emerges from a pupa, and the other emerges from a poopa!

My friend asked me how much it costs to dispose of dead batteries.
I said 'No charge'.

My wife and I went to a fancy restaurant for dinner last night.
As we were settling in on our table, our Server said "Comfortable, sir?"

Me: No, ComeForFood!

What do snakes do after they fight?
They hiss and make up.

I bought a used dictionary at a local flea market. I got it cheap because someone had torn out both the first few and last few pages from the book.
Trying to actually use the dictionary was difficult, however: it only went from bad to worse.

As I got off the elevator, the operator said, Have a good day, son. I said, Dont call me son. Youre not my dad.
He replied, Maybe not but I did bring you up.

I wasn't sure about getting a brain transplant
Then I changed my mind.

Why did Trump write in all caps?
He believes capitalism is the only way.

If the earth was flat..
Cats would push everything off