Last night I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.. she replied a divorce
I wasn't planning on spending that much..

Whats the difference between the USA and yogurt?
If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it will develop a culture.

Dad Joke (topical)
"Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?"

"Because it's an anagram of Easter and your mum loves Easter.

"Thanks dad"

"No problem Alan"

The US pilot shared how he evaded capture after his plane was shot down.
He said: Iran

I heard Charles Dickens' "A Tale of Two Cities" was first serialized in a local newspaper.
It was the Bicester Times,

it was the Worcester Times.

Arnold Schwarzenegger cant stand Christmas, too many presents. Thanksgiving is no better, hes allergic to turkey. Halloween too many people dress up like him. Valentines day too much pressure. But today he gets his chocolate egg and hes happy
Have to love Easter, baby

My daughter asked if i've seen the dog bowl
I said, "i didn't even know he could"

I often read dad jokes here and think to myself, "That's not funny at all!" or "Come on man! Another repost!?" or "Boooooriiiiing!" And then...
I press 'Submit'...

My wife was on the phone, trying to take a message when she asked me to get her something hard to write on.
So I handed her a pillow.

I almost caught a ram once, but it moved at the last second
It was a dodge ram

George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey get together to make a movie
Clooney says, "I'll direct."

DiCaprio says, "I'll act."

McConaughey says, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."

Hollywood.
George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey get together to make a movie.

Clooney says, "I'll direct."

DiCaprio says, "'II act."

McConaughey says, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write.

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide

A shark can swim faster then a human. A human can run faster then a shark
so in a triathlon it all comes down to hows the better cyclist.

Man: Excuse me bus driver, do you know how long the next bus will be?
Bus driver: About thirty feet, six inches.

Which crayon at the Crayola factory is in charge of answering the phones?
Yellow

Whats the Easter Bunnys favorite restaurant?
IHOP.

Happy Easter!

Got the wife so good earlier
Toddler: does something mischievous

Wife: "Oooh, I wonder where he gets THAT from?!" looks at me

Me: "I know exactly who he gets that from. In fact, I hung a picture of the culprit in the bathroom right above the sink."

Wife: "...wait, really?"

Me: "Yeah, go look."

To my astonishment and delight, she actually goes into the bathroom and looks above the sink where, of course, she sees her reflection in the bathroom mirror

She comes back out shaking her head in defeat. She tries to glare at me but she can't help but smile.

I still got it, folks!

My boss said he was going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch its going to be me.

Airport security reluctantly allowed me to bring a set of jumper cables on the plane
They said it was ok, but I better not try to start anything.

How does the farmer tuck his cows in for the night?
He tells them its pasture bedtime

What do you call a girl whos always cold?
Amber

What do you call Batman when he misses church?
Christian Bale

Which insect is the opposite of a stink bug?
Deodor ant

What do you call someone who isnt sure if the Easter Bunny is real?
An Eggnostic