How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Trump says he already did it and they all stand there clapping in the dark.
Im often accused of choosing my spouse because I wanted a trophy wife.
But the truth is she chose me because she wanted a participation award husband.
My wife gave me an ultimatum. It's either her, or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.
I opened the medicine cabinet and a bottle of Omega 3 capsules fell on my head
Fortunately my injuries were only super fish oil.
The traffic cop yelled pull over.
No, I said, actually, its a cardigan, but thank you for noticing.
What's the deadliest plant?Water Lily.
Just sitting underneath one for five minutes will kill you!
I had a dream I was drowning in a sea of pistachios.
What a nutmare.
Why do you need glasses in math classes?
Cause it helps with di-vision :)
I accidentally planted the wrong flowers in my garden.
Oopsie daisies.
Why do archaeology students get all the girls?
Because they study the best dating techniques.
A man has front-row seats to the World Cup final.A man has front-row seats to the World Cup final. As he sits down, he notices the seat next to him is empty. He turns to the man on the other side and asks, "Who would have a seat like this and not show up?"
The man replies, "Well, actually, that seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup we haven't been to together since we were married."
The first man is touched. "Thats incredibly sad. But couldn't you find a friend or a relative to take the ticket?"
The man shakes his head. "No... theyre all at the funeral."
What's the difference between a Vietnamese Restaurant and an Indian Restaurant?
One is Pho Profit One is Naan Profit
Youve heard of alphabet soup now get ready for....
Times new ramen!
Why doesn't Elton John like iceberg lettuce?
He's more of a Rocket-man.
What do you call two surgeons doing hip surgery together?
A joint operation.
So you've never tried blindfolded archery?!
You don't know what you're missing!
In the pharmacy
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?' 'Eight', the boy replied. The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?' The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four." "Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin. "Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."
I remember my uncles last words before he died in a ladder accident.
"Stop wobbling the ladder, you little-"
How does the rock go to the bathroom?
He dwaynes his johnson.
What do you call a female kabob?
ka-boob
My son makes me make him paper airplanes all the time, then he complains they dont fly well
I tell him its because they are stationery
An Air and Space museum opened up near me and it's just an empty warehouse.
I was disappointed at first but I can't really complain. Its exactly as described.
If 6 is afraid of 7 because 7 8 9, then what does that mean?
7.4
I tried haggling over some bread...
They told me the price is naan-negotiable.
The leftover spaghetti the astronauts tossed from the spaceship got sucked into a black hole.
It pasta event horizon.