Do you know whats great about orcas?
They do a killer whale impression

I turned down a job offer today after being told the 401(k) contributions were mandatory
I told the hiring manager I just couldnt run that far!

Did you hear about the two blind men who went to a seafood restaurant
It didnt change anything

I had a neighbour who was a hairdresser, but he doesnt cut hair any longer
He cuts it shorter

I used to be afraid of speed bumps
I slowly got over it though.

Why don't Astronaunts listen to gangster rap?
Because there's zero gees in space.

(Made it up a few years back).

Everyone knows who Eminem is.
You don't have to be a smartie or a nerd to do that.

Paddy says to Mick, "I found this pen, is it yours?"
Mick replies, "I don't know, give it here." He tries it and says, "Yes it is."

Paddy asks, "How do you know?"

Mick replies, "That's my handwriting."

I went to the bank today, and started yelling how this bank has the worst customer service. The guy next to be says, "Sir this is a river."
I said, "I know I was fishing for attention."

Why does Winnie the Pooh carry an EpiPen?
because he is always breaking into hives.

I'm in a dispute with my local council. They tell me that children's playground equipment can't be used as rental property.
I can't let that slide.

What do you call a woman who sets fire to her electric bill?
Bernadette

A man is wanted for stealing wheels off of police cars.
Officers are working tirelessly to catch him.

Why didnt Elsa go to the doctor when she was sick?
The cold never bothered her anyway.

Why did the cow want a divorce from the bull?
She didnt feel herd in the relationship

What kind of jeans does a ghost hunter wear ?
Just a paranormal jean

Did you hear about the guy who cut off the left side of his body?
He's all right now.

I tried chicken farming once, but i was a complete failure...
Not sure if I buried them too deep, or too far apart.

A busker is playing ABBA really loudly in the town centre.
You can hear the drums from Nandos.

I went to the store to buy some camouflage clothing
couldnt find any

What do you get when 2 giraffes collide
a giraffic jam

What do you call a Mexican man that has lost all his protein powder?
No whey Jos

Did you hear about the bankruptcy attorney who went out with this tall glass of water?
He liquidated.

How does a duck cross a busy road?
Very quackly.

UK JOKE: Mr Whippy was found dead this morning with a Flake behind his ear, crushed nuts on his face covered head to toe in 100s and 1000s.
Police believe he topped himself.