How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Trump says he already did it and they all stand there clapping in the dark.

My wife gave me an ultimatum. It's either her, or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.

Im often accused of choosing my spouse because I wanted a trophy wife.
But the truth is she chose me because she wanted a participation award husband.

What do you call a man with a shovel on his head?
Doug

What do you call a woman who tells dad jokes?
A faux pa

The traffic cop yelled pull over.
No, I said, actually, its a cardigan, but thank you for noticing.

What do you call a nut that sneezes?
A ca-shooo

I opened the medicine cabinet and a bottle of Omega 3 capsules fell on my head
Fortunately my injuries were only super fish oil.

A man has front-row seats to the World Cup final.
A man has front-row seats to the World Cup final. As he sits down, he notices the seat next to him is empty. He turns to the man on the other side and asks, "Who would have a seat like this and not show up?"

The man replies, "Well, actually, that seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup we haven't been to together since we were married."

The first man is touched. "Thats incredibly sad. But couldn't you find a friend or a relative to take the ticket?"

The man shakes his head. "No... theyre all at the funeral."

I like to pepper in jokes about spices and seasoning
But I think it's a waste of thyme.

What do you call twins standing in the window?
Kurt and Rod

Why do people pay good money for shampoo
When real poo is free

In the pharmacy
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?' 'Eight', the boy replied. The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?' The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four." "Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin. "Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."

I told a joke during my Zoom meeting this morning.
It wasn't even remotely funny.

What's the deadliest plant?
Water Lily.

Just sitting underneath one for five minutes will kill you!

I hate Pi day jokes.
They're irrational.

I had a dream I was drowning in a sea of pistachios.
What a nutmare.

Youve heard of alphabet soup now get ready for....
Times new ramen!

So you've never tried blindfolded archery?!
You don't know what you're missing!

Why do you need glasses in math classes?
Cause it helps with di-vision :)

If 6 is afraid of 7 because 7 8 9, then what does that mean?
7.4

I accidentally planted the wrong flowers in my garden.
Oopsie daisies.

Why do archaeology students get all the girls?
Because they study the best dating techniques.

What do you call a retired miner?
Doug

Why doesn't Elton John like iceberg lettuce?
He's more of a Rocket-man.