This just happened in real life, and I got MANY chuckles.
At Costco with the wife and kid. Kid sees a sample booth and asks what theyre offering...

Me: its a hot dog!

Wife: its a European wiener

Me: youre a peeing weiner

I turn to the man offering the sample and say get it?!?

Nothing

Wife loses it, people next to me lose it, kid loses it and wont stop repeating it. Good times had by all, cept maybe for the sample guy.

Did you hear about the Vietnamese bloke whose surname was "Smith"?
​

He was in a no-Nguyen situation

To the guy who invented zero,
Thanks for nothing.

What type of flower makes the most mistakes?
Whoopsie Daisy

I was telling my buddies I was having a bad day.
My friend said plethora.

Thanks, I said, that means a lot.

*

My other friend said earth.

Thanks, I said, that means the world to me.

*

My other friend said bargain.

Thanks, I said, that means a great deal.

My wife asked me to be less irritating...
So I shaved my face.

Tears were streaming down my face and I couldnt get them to stop. So I ran to a nearby military base. Are there any Marines here?? No. Army? Nope. A Navy SEAL? Sorry. What about an Air Force pilot? Finally, the administrator looked at me and said, Sir what is this about?
I said, Sorry I just need a soldier to cry on.

My son talked back when I told him he couldnt have any peanut butter.
Dont you get Skippy with me, young man!

My son asked for a hershey's kiss
I said no, kissed him on the forehead, and said it was a he his kiss instead.

Lava cake
We went out for dinner this evening and my son ordered a lava cake for dessert. When he took a scoop out of it his girlfriend asked if it was runny.

Before he could answer I told her: "no, it's just sitting on his plate"

Everyone chuckled, I'm so proud of myself :P

Proud moment with dessert
My girlfriend from the kitchen as she was preparing dessert: "We have custard. Do you want to pour the custard on yourself?"

"No, please pour it on the plate."

The ugh's in response were amazing.

What are a chocolate bar's pronouns?
Her/she

I havent been allowed back on a cruise ship
Ever since that whole poop deck misunderstanding

I got fired from my last job because I kept asking customers if they preferred " smoking or non smoking....
The mortuary director said the proper terms wete "creamation" or " burial".

My friend Monty
My friend Montgomery loves Crisco. He thinks it's the best stuff to cook with. He buys cartons of it. Every month he takes inventory. It's the count of Monty's crisco.

A famous singer once asked me what I wanted for my birthday.
After looking around for potential home improvements, I told him..."I want a curtain rod."

Daft bastard got me a curtain.

What do Trees wear to go swimming?
Trunks

A man walked into a seafood shack carrying a live salmon.
"Do you guys make fish cakes here?" he asked the server.

"Yes, we certainly do," the server replied with a smile.

"Great," the man said, setting the fish on the counter.

"Its his birthday and I wanted to get him something special!"

I dreamed I was floating in an ocean of orange soda pop
It was a fanta sea.

My daughter's first teeth have fallen out
They used to be really good friends

[Meta] Please help this cafe with more bad coffee jokes
Our local coffee shop is celebrating its one year anniversary, and we have noticed that the sandwich board they put outside has the same joke on it for the past year. Q: what do you call a cow that has just given birth? A: decaffeinated

Its a good joke. But its been a year. Im calling upon all of you dads out there for help: I want to cultivate a list of new coffee related jokes that they can add to their sandwich board. I know the owner. I bet shed be tickled.

So you have your call action! I look forward to seeing what this might produce. Thank you in advance!

My wife said, Lets go up to the salad bar.
I replied, Lettuce

Feral cats often give birth in dumpsters
because they don't want to litter

I just had a vasectomy done.
The areas still quite sore and I have to walk gingerly, but apart from that, theres not a vas deferens.

This just happened in real life, and I got not even a chuckle.
True story: the wife and I were walking in Target this evening. We were walking in the clothing section, behind an employee who was moving a mannequin. Out of nowhere the whole arm pops off, and the poor woman cant bend to pick it up because ya know shes holding the rest of the mannequin. So I walk up, grab the limb while shes looking around for another employee to help, hold it out to her and say

Here, let me give you a hand

She took it. No laughter. My wife? Nothing. So I am posting here in the hopes that my genius will be appreciated. Keep getting those dad jokes in the wild, folks.