An Irishman went into a department store and asked the sales assistant:
Do you sell potato clocks?

Im sorry, sir, she replied, Ive never heard of such a thing. We sell digital clocks, alarm clocks, carriage clocks, cuckoo clocks and even grandfather clocks, but what exactly is a potato clock?

I dont know either, replied the Irishman,

but I start my new job at nine tomorrow, and my wife said to me:

Youd better get a potato clock.

Why does Sherlock Holmes always get a tax refund?
Hes a master of deduction!

I had this patient whose wife tried to cut off his penis and missed cutting his thigh instead.
She was still charged, with a missed-a-wiener.

My waiter asked me how I like my steak
So I told him I like my steak like me winning a argument with my wife

So the waiter said "rare it is"

People think grass dont be wet in the morning.
But it dew

How do you find out how many vampires there are?
You Count Draculas

"t" and "g" are really close on the keyboard...
That's why I've learned my lesson and I'm never going to sign off my emails with "regards" ever again.

My Doctor said I should limit my drinking to special days only.
My Psychologist said I should make every day a special day.

Its not my fault that they dont talk to each other

I was going to make a joke about the balls of an elderly man...
...but that would just be low-hanging fruit.

Do you have holes in your underwear?
If you said no, then how do you get your legs through?

What do you call it when a journalist irons their underwear?
A press brief.

How do bachelors do their taxes?
in single file!

Who is Frosty's favourite Aunt?
Aunt Arctica

Someone ripped the 5th month out of my new planner
Im dismayed.

My dad started training me to take his place as the lead circus clown.
I've got some really big shoes to fill!

My wife left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mom's"
I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.

I just used annually as my email sign-off with my tax person
No punchline. Thats it, and Im still cackling.

What do you do if you come across an upside down female dolphin?
Flipper

Why aren't scavengers allowed on planes?
carrion restrictions

I've been training my dog to fetch tools from my workbench.
He isn't perfect but he knows the drill.

My kitchen disappoints me.
When I came home I said hi to it, but only the microwaved.

I go my vaccination for shingles today
Just to be on the safe side , I also got one for vinyl siding as well

What did the Mexican kid say when they cancelled Looney Tunes?
Porque pig.

In Laughter, the L comes first
The rest of the letters come aughter it.

How can you keep a barking dog quiet?
With hush puppies!