My boss asked me: why I am sick on week days only?
I said it must be my weekend immune system

The woman who fell from a cruise ship has been named
Eileen Dover

You know why you can never hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because the pee is silent.

To who ever stole my anti-depressants.
I hope you are happy now

My in-laws stopped over for the weekend. My Father-in-law forgot to pack deodorant, so my wife offers the choice of a deodorant and an antiperspirant, and asks "which one would you like?".. he looks, pauses, and replies " ummm"
I chimed in... "give him a minute, he's stinking about it!"

(Of course nobody except my father in law chuckled. :)

My wife thinks it's weird that I stare at the window during a heavy rainstorm.
It would be a lot less weird if she'd just let me in.

The other day a grandfather clock fell over and landed on my fingers
I had too much time on my hands

If life opens a door and it shuts
Open the door again, thats how a door works

My sister placed a bet with me that I couldnt name a state that starts with an I other than Illinois
Now Iowa a lot of money

My Boss suggested I sign up for a 401k
No way I am running that far

Which Vice President was the worst at maintaining the Reflecting Pool?
Al G.

Bruce Lee had a brother no one liked
Brocco

My paper plane wont fly
Its completely stationary

I love telling Dad jokes
He, on the other hand, thinks my jokes are dumb and repeatedly tells me to stop

I'm reading a book about sandpaper.
It's a work of friction.

What do you call a cows knee?
A burger joint.

I accidentally drank my laxatives with holy water.
I'm about to start a religious movement.

Where does T-rex keep its gigantic socks and tiny mittens?
In a d-RAAWWRR

Does anyone else think it's unnecessarily cruel
that the Weight Watchers website asks you to accept cookies?

I mean, that has to be a trap, right?

happy father's day!
one of my friends told me years ago that his daughter came up to him and said, DADDY! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!

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he said thank you and she should let her mommy know that too. so she went to her mommy and said, MOMMY! I LOVE DADDY SO MUCH!

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happy father's day, all!

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Just asked my 9-year-old son what he learned in school today.
He said, "apparently not enough because I have to go back tomorrow".

The reason Donald Duck has feathers on his butt
Is because it covers his quack.

I dont always roll a joint but when I do
Its an ankle

I went to the ER with a deep open cut on my arm. I asked the doctor if I could close it on my own..
He said its ok with me, suture yourself

What do you call a T-Rex with arthritis?
Dinosore