While out Christmas shopping with my wife, she asked why I bought myself cut-off shorts, a fishnet crop top, and rainbow fingerless gloves.
I looked at her and sang, Dawn we now own gay apparel.

I'm a woodworker and I make seven figures a year.
It's starting to look like I won't ever make any real money unless I learn to carve them faster.

I sent my son to his room when he said Jim Morrison wasn't a good musician.
We don't slam The Doors in this house.

My wife told me I should do lunges to stay in shape.
That would be a big step forward.

When the comedian fell off the building, nobody laughed...
But the sidewalk sure cracked up.

I quit my job at the sandpaper factory.
The job really wears you down and I just didnt have the grit for it.

What do you call clothes made from rubber wheels?
A tire.

You guys wanna hear a Potassium joke?
K

What kind of birds are well known for sticking together?
Vel-crows.

What happens when a microscope crashes into a telescope?
They kaleidoscope.

Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday
Sorry. That was a week attempt at humor.

My wife was trying on a new dress when she said, Why do you keep staring at my boobs?
I said, To upload them to my mammary bank.

Farmer did not like the joke I made about the smell when milking the cows.
I guess they are sensitive about their dairy air.

I heard that Pablo Escobar's hippopotami were able to use the toilet.
But i think this is a hippo potty myth

A man got eaten by a shark on his honeymoon
He didn't suffer long. He was only married for a week.

I ate a kid's meal at the airport today
His mom was very angry at me

Mariah Carey is opening her Xmas Present
Inside she finds a deed to an undeveloped plot of land that is zoned residential.

Disappointed, she set the deed down and says.. "I don't want a lot for Christmas"

Man fell 9 stories from a Nightclub
Police confirmed he was not a Bouncer

Have you ever tried sardines?
Theyre a little fishy.

As a rule
My son asked me why I took a Tape Measure to bed, I replied to see how long I sleep.

Why does Helen Keller play the piano with on hand?
Because she likes to sing along.

What rhymes with orange
No, it doesn't. I lied!

What do you call an unidentified gingerbread man?
JOHN DOUGH

What do the r/brucewillis and the r/taylorswift subreddits have in common?
They're both full of die-hard fans

Christopher Walken wanted to take his wife to a fancy restaurant. He called to see if he needed a reservation
The hostess told him all walk ins are welcomed.