Dont joke about old people's ballsacks..
Its low hanging fruit, dude
What do you call a store that sells only bagels and donuts?
Hole Foods.
I wake up at 3 or 4 every night to use the bathroom.
Thats why theyre called the wee hours of the morning.
I took my wife to the theater to watch a performance all about puns.
It was a play on words.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to get my glasses fixed?
everyone!
I absolutely nailed my audition to play Quasimodo at Disney World. Unfortunately, they didnt hire me
I didnt pass the back round check.
Strangely, I found stir fry all over my bed this morning
...must have been sleep woking again...
Buffalo have been at Yellowstone for exactly 200 years today.
They're gonna call it the Bison-tennial.
What did the tree say when spring finally arrived?
What a re-leaf.
Meeting at the golf courseA man was playing golf and forgot which hole he was at. He saw a woman ahead of him and asked "Excuse me, what hole are we at?"
The woman replied, "Well, this is 7th and you're a hole behind, so that would be 6th."
The man thanked her and returned to his hole, but finding the woman interesting he decided to go talk
to her after a few holes.
"I'm sorry, but could you tell me what hole I'm at now?"
The woman smiled, "This is 13 and you're a hole behind, so 12." The man thanked her and invited her to lunch. She accepted.
At the table, getting to know each other the man asks, "What do you do for work?"
The woman blushed and said, "You have to promise not to laugh." The man promised and the woman said,
"I manage a tampon factory."
The man immediately fell out of his chair laughing. "You promised!" the embarrassed woman shrieked.
The man got up and explained, "No,
it's not that. I distribute toilet paper,
so I'm still a hole behind."
Our accountant joined every religion
It was the only way to maximize prophets
Why do cannibals not eat guys who wear socks with sandals?
Bad taste.
Did you hear about the constipated math teacher?
He worked it out with a pencil.
My horse and buggy got pulled over by the policethe officer asked," do you know how fast you were going?"
the horse replied, "ney"
My son asked me for tips on how to pass his math test
I told him to eat it and wait a few hours. It should definitely pass.
What do you call it when two ants run off together to get married?
An ant-elope.
How did the armless baker prepare for baking bread?
She kneed the dough.
Did you hear about the guy who was afraid of hurdles?
He got over it.
Why don't eggs tell jokes
because they'd crack each other up
Why dont accountants last long in bed?
Theyre too busy trying to balance the sheets.
What song did Mr. Rogers like to sing to Mr. Ed?
Wont You Be My NEIGHbor?
Are you still with that woman who cries over every little thing?
We split. Shes now my Kleen-ex.
I asked my date if she played any musical instruments. "Just the coconut shells" she replied.
I said "sounds pretty hollow."
My wife vetoed my request to buy expensive extra-large boxers.
She clearly doesnt appreciate the national emergency for lavish ballroom.
How do you dry a rabbit ?
With a hare dryer