Who led the Jewish people across a semi permeable membrane?
Os-Moses.

[NSFW] What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?
A Dicktater

What did the left leg say to the right leg?
"That guy in the middle is a bit of a dick, isn't he?"

Some day, Canada is going to take over the world.
Then you'll all be sorry.

Just found out my friend died from heartburn
Can't believe that Gav is gone

What did the shoes say to the pants?
What's up, britches?

Why did the plane get grounded?
He had a bad altitude.

An elderly man named Larry goes to his doctor for his annual physical examination. After running a series of tests, the doctor walks into the room with a smile.
The doctor says, "Larry, your tests look absolutely fantastic. For a man of ninety, you are in remarkable shape! Tell me, how are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself and with God?"

Larry smiles warmly and nods. "Oh, God and I are tighter than ever, Doc. He looks out for me in ways you wouldn't believe. Because my eyesight is getting so bad, He fixed it so that whenever I have to get up in the middle of the night to use the restroom, poof! The light automatically turns on for me. And when I'm all done, poof! The light automatically turns off so I can go right back to sleep."

The doctor is amazed. "Wow, Larry, that truly sounds like an incredible spiritual connection."

Later that evening, the doctor feels compelled to call Larrys house to check in with his wife, Bonnie.

"Bonnie," the doctor says, "Larry is in perfect health. But I just had to call because Im completely in awe of his connection with the universe. He told me that when he gets up in the night to use the restroom, a bright light magically turns on for him, and when he finishes, it automatically goes out. Is that really true?"

Bonnie sighs deeply over the phone and yells, "Oh, sweet Jesus! Hes peeing in the refrigerator again!"

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places.
He said, "Stop going to those places."

Never lend Columbo your phone
He always cracks the case

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs that has been sitting on the shelf for a while?
Dusty

Spouse got me with this one today
We should be at Costco early enough to try the new brunch at the food court. (Paused so I knew a punchline was coming) It's the same as their regular menu items, but you get a brunch of them.

How does God like His meat?
Well done, my good and faithful servant.

Did you hear about the guy who dunked his balls in glitter?
Pretty nuts...

This Disney merchandising has gone too far.
The other day, I went to a supermarket and they had a sign for an entire isle of Frozen Food.

An old man spent his life repairing clocks....
As he grew older, his eyesight faded and his hands began to shake.
On his deathbed, he gathered his children.

I've spent my life repairing clocks. I never turned away someone who couldn't afford it. Promise me that whenever someone brings you a broken clock, you'll fix it first. If they can't pay, don't charge them.

his children kept the promise
Years passed

Then decades

then centuries

The family workshop never closed.

Whenever a clock stopped, someone from the family would repair it, smile, and leave without asking for anything in return.

People traveled from all over the world just to meet them.

Eventually, historians wrote about the family's tradition.

They called it...

a second-hand business................

If youre amazed that Im an expert of Kegel exercises
Wait until you find out Im self-taut.

Why did the coffee file a police report?
It got mugged!

I have a joke about a girl who only eats plants.
But you probably never heard of herbivore.

Why did the baby habanero put on a jacket?
It was a little chilli.

In North America they have hen-parties, but in South East Asia...
They have hin-dus.

My boss said, I find it highly suspicious that you're only sick on weekdays. I nodded and explained...
It must be my weekend immune system.

What do you call a deep sleep brought on by excessive Mexican food south of Seattle?
Tacoma

My sister fell off a horse,
Fortunately shes in a STABLE condition.

Electric.
I was going to get an electric gate for my driveway entrance

But with gate power comes gate responsibility.