Dad: When two people have sex, it's a twosome. When three people have sex, it's threesome
Son: Now I know why people call you handsome

Funny how posts are still tagged NSFW
As if any of us still got jobs.

Son: "Dad, today I watched someone do 50 pushups, do you think could you do that?"
Dad: "of course son, don't want to brag but I could probably watch someone do 100 push-ups"

How warm is a baby at birth?
I dont know

Womb temperature.

You likely know what Murphys law is, but do you know Coles law?
Its cabbage, carrots, mayonnaise, and salt all mixed together.

I have a bad habit of second guessing all the decisions I make.
[deleted]

I go through a bottle of honey mustard almost every week, because its a combination of my two favorite things
bottles and honey mustard

Mick Jagger once tried to become a math teacher, but he didnt last very long.
Apparently, he couldnt get no stats or fractions.

Neighbor kid came to look at my CD collection
Neighbor kid named Jimmy came to look at my CD collection. He tried to put one back but cracked the CD on it's case. It wasn't my favorite so it was fine.

Jimmy cracked Korn and I don't care.

I just found out that my fathers will says that if hes ever hospitalized, I get to decide where he goes on the stretcher.
Apparently, that gives me power of a gurney.

call my panties 9/11 ...
the way bush is behind it

My dad was a fisherman, so he did everything quickly
For him everything was a fish in sea

My wife read a draft of a mystery novel I'm working on. She goes, "I don't get it... in chapter two you randomly wrote 'shadow, shadow, shadow, shadow'... what the hell does that even mean??"
I'm like, "Babe... it's called four-shadowing."

I'm opening a Vietnamese/Italian fusion restaurant
I call it Pho-geddaboudit.

How would you get into a locked boat?
Use a quay.

The internet connection at the farm is really sketchy, so the farmer moved the modem to the barn.
Now they have stable wifi.

I was told that you could view a solar eclipse through a colander.
I tried it and ended up straining my eyes.

If I ever get a pig
Im going to call him Hamlet

My uncle has a stutter and went to prison
Im afraid hell never finish his sentence

Why vampires don't cause unwanted pregnancies?
Because they can't come inside uninvited!

Do you know who won the international currency completion ?
Yeah, a Korean Won

I was about to ask two leopards to switch seats with me and my wife
My wife said dont bother, they never change their spots.

What do horses do when they get tired?
They hit the hay

Microsoft is bundling Microsoft Flight Simulator with Copilot
It's a really boring game now called "Microsoft Passenger."