My cousin just called and asked if I would loan her $300.00 to help her pay her rent. Those who know me, know that I'm always willing to help out friends and family. I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back.
Before I called her back, my aunt called and told me that my cousin was lying and not to give her the money.
She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the $300.00 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so she could be under the same roof as him for his birthday.

I thought about it for a minute and decided to give her the $300.00 because we all need help at times.
So, I called my cousin and told her to come and get the money.

A couple of hours later, I get a call from the jailhouse, it was my cousin crying, screaming and asking why I gave her counterfeit money.

I told her so you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday!

My girlfriend and I are trying this whole "long distance relationship" thing
I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.

I'm going to a gender reveal party.
But apparently I still have to wear pants.

My reverse vasectomy was way more painful than the original surgery.
There was a vas deferens between the two.

A man went into a building he'd never been to before to find a book, all he found were books on genital anatomy.
No one told him it was a pubic library.

A guy approaches his doctor panicking, saying You have to help me! I think Im shrinking!
The doctor said, Settle down. You just have to learn to be a little patient.

I dated a girl who insisted we tear apart my Disney Pixar DVDs.
We eventually split Up.

Were all of President Theodore Roosevelt's speeches, by definition...
TED Talks?

What's the sharpest thing in the world?
A fart. It rips right through your pants without even making a hole!

Whats the difference between a cheap guy at a restaurant and a worker packaging silicone breast implants?
Ones a shitty tipper

How do flat earthers travel?
On a plane.

I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks.
It was about time.

Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in your jeans!

A perfectionist walks into a bar and immediately turns around and leaves.
Apparently, the bar wasnt set high enough.

Yesterday, I couldnt tell if someone was waving at me or the person behind me.
On an unrelated note, I lost my job as a lifeguard yesterday.

The best part about a bad haircut is...
That you know it will grow on you.

What's the difference between an elephant's bum and a post box?
If you don't know I will be posting my own letters.

Whats brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr. Dre

If Mick Jagger and Keith Richards were both killed by a rampaging ostrich...
...would that be a case of killing two Stones with one bird?

When Aphrodite sprawls out bare-ass naked in a giant clam shell shes a goddess.
But when I do do Im a drunk and no longer welcome at the aquarium

My gun fell in love with me
Call that a smitten wesson.

Me: My late wife would love this restaurant.
Hostess: Im sorry, how long has she been dead?

Me: Not dead. Just late, like always.

I used to be a game developer
Then I discovered my dislike for pheasant