Wife to ditzy husband, Why did you make the potato soup with 125 small potatoes?
Husband, I know it seems like a lot, but the recipe called for five potatoes cubed.

Ice cream truck pulled onto our street. I asked the driver, Do you carry Rolexes, Timexes, or heck even Casios? He looked confused and said, Sir, respectfully... what are you talking about?
I pointed, Your sign Watch for Children.

How do you spell candy only using two letters?

C and Y.

I want Kenny Loggins to marry Walton Goggins and open up a winter sports supply store in Lousiana
Come one come all to Loggins-Goggins Toboggans in Nawlins!!

I recently lost my job as an airport taxi driver.
Turns out clients dont like it when you go the extra mile for them.

I have no mirror in my house, I really should buy one...
I can't see myself living like this any longer

A snake walks into a bar
The bartender asks "how'd you do that"

What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum?

A chew chew train.

Women cancelled car appointment and I had a perfect comeback
Yesterday I was waiting for my car repair to get finished at the shop and a customer called in to cancel her appointment and her reason was "she came down with the sickness". I immediately chimed in and said she must be Disturbed! Had everybody chuckling and saying it was the perfect Dad jokes to which I replied that I doubt that many people at my age (62) would even get it. Thought I would share it as I rarely have an instant comeback like that.

Sammy Davis Jr. and Ella Fitzgerald went into a partnership and opened a restaurant.
It failed, perhaps because they named it "Sam an' Ella's"

The Perfect Husband
A wife told her friend: My husband is perfect.

Friend: Really? He never argues?

Wife: No, he argues.

Friend: He never forgets important dates?

Wife: He forgets.

Friend: Then how is he perfect?

Wife: Because he always admits hes wrong even when he isnt.

Chloride tried to ask Sodium out on a date
Sodium: Na
Chrloide: Why not?
Sodium: Wed be too salty

A few dad jokes I cant stop laughing at
Why dont skeletons fight each other?
Because they dont have the guts.

I tried to make a belt out of watches.
It was a waist of time.

I told my computer I needed a break.
Now it keeps sending me KitKats.

I asked my fridge if it was running.
It said yes, but only emotionally.

I started a joke about procrastination
Ill finish it later.

Plans for a Zelda/Star Wars crossover movie fell through when
Yoda insisted on renaming the Triforce to either the Doforce or the Donotforce, because there is no Triforce

Birth.
My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school.

I gave birth zero times and I don't fit in my pants from March.

Just wanted to say that I endorse podiums
Thats one product I can stand behind

I asked my dog what is 2 minus 2.
He said nothing.

What do you call a witch doctors mistake?
A voodoo boo boo!

What do you call someone from Manila that constantly drinks wine?
Full of Pinot

Why is your floor made of wool?
It's lamb init'.

What do you call a poor classical musician?
Baroque.

I asked my dog whats 2-2?
He said nothing.

I asked my wife, Can you help me? Im stuck on a crossword clue, 'overworked postman'. She replied, Sure, how many letters? I said, I don't know!"
Im guessing, too many!

Our son was feeling a little down, so we decided to get him a puppy
His mother wanted to get him a Collie.

I wanted to get a Lab

Our daughter wanted to get a Dalmation

We decided to get a mix of all three

I guess you could call it a Collaboration

What do you call a cult thats hard to get into?
Difficult