I asked my wife, if I was the only one she'd ever been with. She said yes.
All the others had been nine or tens.

Sometimes the universe just hands you a punchline
I was in the kitchen with my 16-year-old daughter, who wanted to learn to bake. I opened the flour and lo and behold it's got bugs.

I said to her, these are weevils.

She said, "I thought weevils were bigger."

I said, "You're thinking of the boll weevil," and then inspiration struck. "These are the lesser of the two weevils."

I gave my three-year-old a book of puns for his birthday, but my wife snatched it away, saying, You cant give this to a toddler!
Apparently, its a joking hazard.

The time I finally got my son
Hes 30, and constsntly getting me on stupid thing like deez nutz. I say summer summer deez nutz. I say Aldi Aldi-s nuts. Been goin on for years.

When we bought our house, we got stools for the island that exactly matched our China cabinet and buffet. He asked how we did it. I told him on this one website you can get a chip of the stained wood sent to you so you can see if it matches. He says Wos, thats a great idea

I look at him with a big grin and say Yeah they call it a STOOL SAMPLE

My wife beamed with pride and said "I never thought our son would go so far!".
I said, "Yeah this trebuchet thing is amazing! Go get our daughter."

I was excited to watch the origami world championship on TV
But it turns out that its only on paper view

I told my wife I was going to start jogging every morning.
She said, Great. When are you starting?

I said, Tomorrow.

She said, You said that yesterday.

I said, Exactly. Im already consistent.

My son was in bad shape after his girlfriend dumped him, so I bought him a Playstation and an Xbox.
That really helped console him.

Jokes arent funny when you explain them
And Ill tell you why

The guy who cheated to win a Broadway Theatre award was arrested last night as he was enjoying a pasta meal.
Rigatoni

What did the beaver say when the tree fell?
DAM!!!!

I was bored last night, so I texted my ex
I said, Are you free tonight?
She replied, Yes
I said, See, nobody likes you.

What is a snakes favorite subject?
Hiss-tory.

According to a poll that was recently conducted
The lightning rod works

CIA loses track of an Operative
The CIA lost track of its operative Murphy in Ireland. The CIA director said, All I can tell you is his name is Murphy & hes somewhere in Ireland. If you think youve located him, tell him the code words, The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning. If its really him, hell answer, Yes, and for mist at noon as well.

The operative went to Ireland & stopped in a bar in a small town. He said to the barman, Maybe you can help me. Im looking for a guy named Murphy.

The bartender replied, Youre going to have to be more specific because, around here, there are lots of guys named Murphy. Theres Murphy the Baker who runs the pastry shop on the next block. Theres Murphy the Banker whos president of our local savings bank. Theres Murphy the Blacksmith, who works at the stables. And, as a matter of fact, my name is Murphy, too.

Hearing this, the operative figured he might as well try the code words on the bartender, so he said, The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning.

The bartender replied, Oh, youre looking for Murphy the Spy. He lives right down the street."

When the chair was invented, his assistant wanted to know what it did
He replied, Alright, Ill tell you, but you might want to sit down for this.

According to Tom Petty, fly fishing has a lot of challenges
but the wading is the hardest part.

I tried to write a joke about premature ejaculation
but I finished too early.

I went to the theatre
I went to the theatre the other day to watch a performance about puns.

It was a play on words.

Be nice to your dentists!
He has fillings too.

My daughter just left the kitchen
We was doing some baked apples and I held up an apple core. Looked at her and said "You should remember for this forever because this is a core memory." And she just left the kitchen without saying anything. What is your best dad joke event or memory.

Crocodiles swallow rocks to correct an error that Nature made in designing the large lizards.
They're unstable in the water without artificial ballast. The weights, ranging from one to two pounds in juveniles to seven pounds in larger specimens, lie low in their forward-placed stomachs to counterbalance their tails and prevent rolling. A ballasted crocodile is, perhaps, the only creature other than Man that artificially alters its design to fit its aquatic environment.

This proves that there's nothing more dangerous than an stoned crocodile.

I man kept phoning me up and singing "Stand and Deliver" down the phone at me...
He insisted the message was for me.

I assured him he had the wrong number but he was AdamAnt

Why did Spider-Man pick his nose?
To get rid of the Green Goblin

Don't judge me, I love cheesy jokes and have a million of them

George Washington once studied to be a cardiologist, but he failed at making diagnoses.
True. He could not tell A-Fib