A hungry traveller stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchens where a brother is frying chips. "Are you the friar?" he asked.
The brother replied "No. I'm the chip monk."

Waiter asked me, Sir, how do you like your steak?
Me, Like winning an argument with my wife

Him, Rare it is

Why is it bad to iron a 4 leaf clover
You should never press your luck

My daughter finally started looking for a job. I told her there's an entry level job that people are dying to get into and you start with 3000 people beneath you.
Working at the graveyard isn't for everyone though!

Lockpicking is a good skill to advance your career
it opens a lot of doors

I have a Polish friend who has a job as a sound engineer...
I have a Czech one too...

What does a house wear?
Address!

I went to the bank today, and started yelling how this bank has the worst customer service. The guy next to be says, "Sir this is a river."
I said, "I know I was fishing for attention."

So, my pet mouse, Elvis is dead.
He was caught in a trap.

Five Ants rented an apartment with another five ants. Now they are "Ten-Ants'
Five Ants rented an apartment with another five ants. Now they are "Ten-Ants'

Unfortunately, I wasnt able to infiltrate that dermatologists office.
Theyre just too good a finding moles.

I asked the librarian if the library had books on paranoia.
She whispered, Theyre right behind you.

I had a neighbour who was a hairdresser, but he doesnt cut hair any longer
He cuts it shorter

Traffic Citation
Cop: You're getting a ticket for driving alone in the carpool lane

Me: You're going to feel really stupid when you look in the trunk

Do you ever wonder why people say they slept like a baby?
Babies normally wake up every two hours.

I cross-bred cauliflower with watermelon
and now I have an overwhelming sense of meloncauli

You: Ok ok, I got a good knock knock joke. You start it.
Them: oh ok, knock knock!

You: whos there?

Them: wait, uh

Works every time.

I went to a Halloween party dressed as a harp.
When people asked what I was, they didn't believe me. I said, "are you calling me a lyre?"

My son bumped into the wooden coffee table and scraped his knee.
I told him don't cry, he also hurt the table, cant he sees its in mahogany? He rolled his eyes but at least he quit sniffling haha.

Do you know whats great about orcas?
They do a killer whale impression

Why do flamingoes lift up one leg?
Because if they lifted up both legs they'd fall over.

An assassin released a music album.
It was a hit, man.

Someone bought me a plant to help me get over my fear of them. "It'll grow on you" they said.
That's what I'm afraid of.

A man is wanted for stealing wheels off of police cars.
Officers are working tirelessly to catch him.

I turned down a job offer today after being told the 401(k) contributions were mandatory
I told the hiring manager I just couldnt run that far!