A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down.
He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

Te bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

Why couldn't the jalapeno practice archery?
Because it didn't habanero.

I was confused when my wife texted me, Get home safe, babe.
We already own a home safe.

How do you call 2 ducks that exist but shouldn't ?
A pair o' ducks

There was once a man named Odd.
People made fun of him because of his name so he decided to keep his gravestone blank when he died.

Now when people pass by the burial site, they point and say, "That's odd."

What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?
A father in law.

I ran a marathon with my Bible in my hands.
Now my Psalms are all sweaty.

I brought edibles to my buddys dinner party
He said its a potluck!

Why are dogs terrible at dancing?
They have two left feet.

I've been looking into corruption in the elevator industry and I've discovered...
...it goes all the way to the top.

Told my wife I was going to see the doctor.
She said which doctor?

I said, no, a regular one.

My wife says if this post gets over 1000 likes, I can get anal.
Please like because I want this house to be spotless.

I cant believe I got arrested for breaking into the zoos skunk exhibit.
I was just following odors.

Leather Armour is perfect for sneaking
Its because its literally made out of hide!

My doctor diagnosed me with a bladder infection.
He said: "Urine trouble!"

How does a blind man in Rome get his sight back?
He counts to 100.

That way he can C.

I'd like to tell you a chemistry joke
But all the good ones Argon.

I heard touching poison ivy can change your pronouns. So I figured Id give it a shot.
Now Im It/She

I can always thicken soup without flour
But I will roux the day I cant.

What do you call it when 2 vegans have drama?
Lettuce

What do you call a pod of musical black and white whales?
An Orca-Stra

I found the worlds best bratwurst. My sister didnt believe me.
So I sent her a link.

What's the defenses favorite dessert?
Turnovers!

The judge told me to bring all my cables...
It was a cord order!

I like to make jokes about paranormal activities
I have a sixth sense of humor...