My Wife told me her Gynaecologist said we can't do it for six weeks.
I asked her "What did the Dentist say?"

I called my friend yesterday night at 10:30pm on phone, he said he was very busy, working on a special Project "Aqua Thermal treatment of Ceramics, Aluminium and Steel under a constrained environment".
I was impressed.

Later I realized - he is washing dishes...under the supervision of his wife.

What do you call a woman who sets fire to her credit card bills?
Bernadette

Walking home last night, I passed a slice of apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I said to myself, "The streets seem strangely desserted".

I'm not saying that cosmetic surgery cured my depression
But it definitely put a smile on my face.

Why can't you starve in a Desert?
Because of all the sand which is there!

My daughter finally started looking for a job. I told her there's an entry level job that people are dying to get into and you start with 3000 people beneath you.
Working at the graveyard isn't for everyone though!

I quit my weightlifting gym
gave them a too weak notice

I went to visit the world's smallest wind turbine
Honestly? Not a big fan.

I just discovered that Albert Einstein was a real person..
my whole life I've believed he was a theoretical physicist.

I went to a dumpling restaurant the other day, but all the lights were really bright so I said to the waiter
dim sum

My wife asked if I would ever cheat on her.
I told her "Of course not." That was the right answer. Following it up with "I'd do it on a bed of course." Was the wrong answer.

This couch is comfy though, maybe she should get an amendment...

Why are drummers hesitant to respond to emails?
They are aware of the re-percussions.

What is spelled incorrectly in the dictionary?
No it isnt, incorrectly is

One thing that always makes me throw up
is a dartboard on a ceiling

What brand of underwear do scientists wear?
Kelvin Klein.

What do you call a book club thats been stuck on one book for years?
church

Where do you find a murder of crows?
Wherever there is probable caws

What do you call someone who buys budget-friendly beef?
A cheapsteak!

Ive learned 25 letters of the alphabet
I dont know Y

My half brother and I
are not allowed to play with chainsaws anymore.

What keys unlock a banana
Monkeys

I sat there wondering...
Why is that frisbee getting bigger? And then it hit me!

Just Eat have diversified into a fast food service just for babies.
They've called it Just Teat

I cross-bred cauliflower with watermelon
and now I have an overwhelming sense of meloncauli