What do you call two cops having sex?
Copulation

What did Sean Connery say after he built his bookshelf wrong?
Im ashamed of my shelf.

I got fired from my job at the Pepsi factory...
...when I tested positive for Coke!

What is it called when the lead singer of Rise Against is studying when his wife is having a baby?
Re-education (through labor)

What's the difference between Excel and a proctologist?
One is for spreadsheets and one spreads cheeks.

Whats the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?
Attire

Anyone remember the chiropractor joke I put on here?
It was about a week back?

I saw a sheep in a swimsuit driving an expensive car.
It was a lambikini.

There are no canaries in the Canary Islands. Same with the Virgin Islands
There are no canaries there either

What do you call a woman who lights fire to all her bills?
Bernadette.

Inflation is so bad...
That I'm downgrading from LGBTQ+ to LGBTQ with ads.

Why do serious brisket smokers prefer the whole brisket?
Just smoking the flat is pointless.

Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it got mugged.

I used to be a banker.
But I lost interest.

Just found out theres no popcorn in popcorn shrimp.
Just found out there's no popcorn in popcorn shrimp.
Guess there's no reason to try pot roast.

I just found out that I have a half-brother.
...and we're not allowed to play with chainsaws anymore.

What is Ken's favorite food?
BarbieQ...

Badum tssss

What do you call a cop in bed?
Undercover

My mom & dad are both 70 years old.
But on the day my dad was born, my mom was twice his age. How?

(Dad joke riddle. Stumped my kids.)

Did you hear about the big sale and the Lego store?
People were lined up for blocks.

I got attacked by a German Shepard...
Turns out my neighbor Hans doesn't like it when you try to herd his sheep for him.

What did the cat say after joining the communist party?
Mao

Hospital.
A man wakes up in the hospital. The phone rings, a doctor tells the man: "I have really bad news. You're very sick. After your collapse yesterday, we ordered several tests, you have Avian flu, Ebola, you're HIV positive and have hepatitis." The man asks "What are you going to do?" The doc replies: "For starters we're putting you on a strict diet of only pizza." "Will that really help me?" "No, but it's all we can fit under the door."

Whats the difference between a suit jacket and a blazer?
One you wear, and one you drive.

What goes well with peanut butter during rush hour
Traffic jam