My son came to me and asked, dad can you explain to me what is a solar eclipse.
Then I responded to him, no son.

Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.

Whats a North Korean defectors favorite band?
Run DMZ

Which Disney princess likes dad jokes the most?
RaPUNzel

I bought my GF,who is an Airport customs Officer,a lovely birthday present all wrapped up nicely in bag.
she said, have you packed this bag yourself or did someone else pack it for you?

Police stop
Cop stop: "You drinking?"

Me: "You buying?"

Cop: "Lets start over...do you have a police record?"

Me: "Well, I really like Roxanne!"

I asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anesthesia.
He said, "Sure, knock yourself out."

my neighbour can't afford his water bill
I sent him a get well soon card

I came back to my car to find a note saying Parking Fine.
I thought it was nice to be complimented.

Senior Citizens
My wife and I went into town to shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He just ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him an "butthead." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So my wife called him a "jerk." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we offended him, the more tickets he wrote. He finally finished, sneered at us and walked away. Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's so important at our age!!

Three professors are sitting at a train station, so deep in a heated academic discussion that they don't notice their train has arrived.
They continue debating until the conductor blows the whistle and the train begins to pull away.

Suddenly realizing their mistake, they scramble toward the platform. Two of them manage to sprint and leap onto the back of the moving train, but the third professor trips and is left standing on the platform, gasping for breath.

A bystander walks up to him and says, "Hey, don't feel too bad! Two out of three of you made it! Thats a pretty good success rate for academics."

The professor looks at the bystander with a look of pure distress and says, "You don't understand... those two were just here to see me off!"

Went to the doctor about my obsessive bragging and he gave me an anti-boasting cream ......
......I can't wait to rub it in.

Sausages shouldnt have a Best By date.
They should have a Wurst By date.

Im sick of downloading these little computer programs on my phone.
Ive lost my appetite.

If you lose your khakis in Ohio, it means you can't find your pants.
But if you lose your khakis in Boston, it means you can't start your car.

I don't believe there are any numbers higher than 79.
I'm an eightyist.

Why do obese people always win debates?
Because their arguments have the most weight.

Grandma was sick so Grandpa went to church alone and came home with two black eyes.
Grama asked what happened, Gramps replied that the lady in front of him stood up to sing and she had a dress wedgie so he pulled it out and she turned around and socked him right in the eye! Grandma said but you have two black eyes. Well I figured she got mad at me for pulling it out so I tucked it back in.

I have a crippling fear of elevators...
so I am taking steps to address that.

I got fired from my job the other day because I kept asking the customers whether they prefer "Smoking" or "Non-smoking."
Apparently, the correct terms were "Cremation" or "Burial."

For my birthday, my folks once took me to a restaurant where you could dunk your food in melted cheese.
I look back on it now with fondue memories.

Theres been considerable debate about whether you can or cant hurry love.
The case will soon be heard by The Supremes Court.

I have a bunch of jokes about unemployed people but unfortunately...
... non of them seem to work!

URGENT: Next Tuesday, dont forget to fill your sink with mayonnaise
Its Sinko de Mayo.

I went to the hospital the other day and parked in a disabled bay.
A traffic warden stopped me and said "That's for badge holders only". I told him "I have a bad shoulder!".