I don't know why people rate Excel very badly
Personally, I give it October the tenth.

I have a bad habit of running red lights.
I really need to stop.

The EMT's were called to the airport to assist a woman who passeed out on the luggage carousel.
When they arrived they found her slowly coming around.

The Bible says being gay is fine, as long as you're high.
"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."

Leviticus 20:13

My adult daughter was questioned by her baby sister about her many dad jokes. "You're a girl," sissy said, "You're never gonna be a dad!" My daughter hung her head, "yeah, you're right..."
I guess I'm just a faux pa.

When I joined a local theater, the director pointed around the room, assigning jobs. You, props. You, sound. You, lighting. Then he asked, Can anyone here write a good ending? I raised my hand. He pointed at me and said, Great. Act III.
I nodded, then collapsed on the floor and threw a tantrum.

An e-book is nowhere as good as a paper book
Doesn't even hold a kindle.

Whats faster than an escalator?
An esca-sooner

The local theater's passion play on the cruxification of Jesus was halted mid-play due to historical inaccuracies, and only continued after the actor who played Jesus changed his hair color to black.
Jesus dyed for our scenes.

Have you heard of the new alternative to Viagra?
It's called Mycoxafloppin

I got kicked out of the kitchen this morning.
Partner making our kid's lunch. They give me a post-it and ask:"Do you want to write a little message?" I say "Sure!" and I write "A little message." on the post-it.

I got an eye-roll for the ages, and was promptly pointed the door, whilst I cried laughing. It was a good morning.

What do you call a cow thats good at math?
A cowculator.

My buddy Steven went to the capital of Texas during a blizzard. He and his friends smoked a bunch and got locked out of their AirBNB. I knew something was wrong when he sent me a four word text:
Stoned. Cold. Steve. Austin.

Going vegan would be ..
a HUGE missed steak!

Americans may pull guns but Canadians
..may pull leaves.

What does a house wear to a party?
Address!

What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie

My cat loves stormy weather
When it rains, it purrs.

What month are sheep typically born in?
Maaaaaaaaaay

How do you make an egg roll?
You push it

My kid might have a religious following soon
He can turn water into whine.

Apparently you can't use 'beefstew' as a password.
It's not stroganoff.

Do you know why i don't drink coffee?
Because it's not my cup of tea

Why can't you run after picking up an entire garden's worth of gourds in Fallout 4?
I guess you've become overcucumbered.

Some guys have a six-pack
but I have a keg.