What do you call a nun that can fly?
(A) A bird
(B) A plane
(C) None of the above

A tub of margarine fell on my foot three weeks ago and it still hurts.
I cant believe its not better

I keep mixing up my neurologist and urologist.
The confusion is driving me nuts and pissing me off.

Want to hear a word I just made up?
Plagiarism

Did you hear about the cheese factory in France that exploded?....
Debris is everywhere

I told my date over dinner that I worked on oil rigs. She said, Oh wow, whats that like?
"It's mostly boring."

I saw an elderly man at the supermarket collecting trolleys.
He must have been pushing 70.

I got mugged by 6 dwarves last night.
Not happy

I went to the doctor to get treated for a skin condition.
The doctor said that hed need more time to diagnose the problem because he didnt want to make a rash decision.

Today I was asked how I view lesbian relationships
Apparently "in HD" wasn't the right answer.

What three letter word starts with gas?
Car

There was once a fisherman.
He caught a mermaid once in his net and decided to let her go. When the mermaid went back in the water, she said, "You are a good person, so I will give you an option: you can either choose great wealth or high intelligence." He chose intelligence, and the mermaid granted his wish, but the guy suddenly started to cry. Then the mermaid asked what happened. The guy replied, "You said I could choose wealth or intelligence." The mermaid replied, "Yes" and I choose intelligence, and the mermaid replied, "Yes." But only after being granted intelligence did I realise that I should have chosen wealth.

How to make cyanide:
Mix blueide and greenide.

Did you hear about the chef from Paris that joined a monastery?
He became a French Friar.

I just ordered a whole roast duck at a Chinese restaurant.
I was shocked when I saw the bill.

Im proud of all my hobbies. Well, except for my microscope collection.
I look down on that one.

A ghost that used to haunt me as a kid visited me again last night
Gave me dj BOO!!

I farted in my wallet.
Now I have gas money.

Kitchen utensil.
Today I got arrested for stealing a kitchen utensil.
It was a whisk I was willing to take.

As an inexperienced mountain climber, I will say Sherpas are a waste of time
and I will die on this hill

My kid came home from school in tears. I asked, What happened, bud? The English teacher sent me to the principals office for being disrespectful! In front of the whole class she asked if I would like to demonstrate a polite decline.
I looked her right in the eye and said no thanks.

The contractor cant guarantee hell remove ALL of the toxic chemicals from your house
But hell try asbestos he can

Why is it called a baby shower?
I mean, you can't even show your baby off yet!

During my career as a hairdresser, I once worked from 8am to 10pm without a break.
I collapsed from shear exhaustion.

What's the most common blood type for secretaries?
Typo