Wanna know the one thing I can't deal with?
A deck of playing cards glued together. I can't deal with them.

A man has been stealing wheels off cop cars.
The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying.
"I know that, in your religion, youre not supposed to eat pork... Have you actually ever tasted it?

The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."

Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too...I know youre supposed to be celibate. But...."

The priest replied, "Yes, I know what youre going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice."

There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isnt it?"

Whats one thing you can always count on?
A calculator.

Swimming with sharks isnt cheap
Can cost an arm and a leg.

What do you call a camel with no humps?
Humphrey.

I finally overcame my addiction to swimming.
Still, I'm worried about re-laps.

Say what you will about Die Hard, but it has the best ending for a Christmas movie
Hans down

How does an English teacher comfort their students?
There, their, they're

Whats the most popular Christmas wine?
But I dont like Brussels sprouts!

Where do eggs keep their holiday pictures?
In a photo albumen.

Did you hear about the woman who couldn't stop collecting magazines?
She had issues.

My daughter defused my son's repeated 6-7's perfectly
Since my son turned 7 yrs old he has picked up the 6-7 meme, presumably from school friends. My daughter turned 4 and innocently assumed 6-7 was something to do with her brother's age, so she responds with "3-4" every time! Think it's her first dad joke, so proud!

You are the company you keep
Guess Im a nobody.

Karl Marx is historically famous, but no-one ever mentions his sister
Onya, the inventor of the starter pistol

A genie granted me one wish, so I wished to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.

A boy asks his dad,
Dad, will it snow on Christmas?

I dont know, the dad replied. Its still up in the air.

Dad: What is the opposite of ladyfingers?
The family: No idea

Dad: Mentos

After cooking some bacon, I was saving the grease for a special recipe, when my dad walked by and sprinkled a bunch of flour into the pan
He is going to roux the day that he did that!

Why do chess players want Eastern European brides?
Because theyre looking for a Czech-mate.

My kids want a cat for Christmas
Normally I do a turkey or a ham, but if this makes them happy.......

My friend needed a bone marrow transplant
He found a match in Argentina and the operation was a success.

Our thanks go out to Diego Marrow Donor!

What did the rug say to the floor?
Ive got you covered.

There are three kinds of people
Some cant count. Some can.

What's a corpse eating evil spirits favorite condiment?
Ghoulden's Spicy Brown Mustard