Breakfast Snake
My 9 month old daughter was eating a banana this morning and was taking some seriously large bites. My wife said she looked like a snake unhinging its jaw. To which I said

"Shes a Bananaconda!"

I felt the collective eye roll from the entire household lol.

Last night in bed, my girlfriend was mumbling about being born in 1892 and writing the Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings
I thought: 'she's Tolkien in her sleep again.'

Grandpa in the hospital
A man goes to visit his grandpa in the hospital.
How are you, grandpa? he asks.
Feeling fine, says the old man.
Whats the food like?
Terrific, wonderful menus.
And nursing?
Just couldnt be better. These young nurses really take care of you.
What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?
No problem at all nine hours solid every night. At 10 oclock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet and thats it. I go out like a light.
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge.
What are you people doing, he says,
Im told youre giving a 95-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely, that cant be true?
Oh, yes, replies the Sister.
Every night at 10 oclock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed.

I got an award for my ability to keep secrets.
I cant tell you how much it means to me.

What did Mary Poppins like for dinner?
Soup or Ahi frozen fish sticks , ex peas, all delicious

The aorta is my favorite artery
It has a special place in my heart.

Alphabet is raising $80 billion by selling stock to invest in AI
I bet the other 24 letters are pissed!

What does a Mexican duck say?
Guac guac.

I've just begun a speed-reading course, and last night I read Great Expectation in 15 seconds
I know it's only two words, but I'm still a beginner.

What do you call a female pirate who loses a leg?
Peg.

Im starting to get suspicious of the elm trees that line the National Mall in Washington, DC.
I really think they might be government plants.

I hate dating apps.
I'm going to start dating women instead.

Having a bad day . Tried my best to cook some Middle Eastern/Israeli food and failed miserably
I just really falafel about it

I have asked many people what LGBQTIA+ stands for....
So far no-one has given me a straight answer.

What did the cannibals wife give him when he got late to dinner?
The cold shoulder

Our priest has been trying to persuade some new singers to join the church.
He's preaching to acquire.

Actual line from my 10-year old: At dinner I mentioned that for some reason the corn didnt actually taste much like corn.
After a slight pause, my son deadpanned: Thats corncerning. 10/10 groaner

What did the cannibal's wife give him when he got late to dinner
The cold shoulder

How bring moose in Canada
Two Irish hunters from Belfast hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six.

As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three moose.

The two Irishmen objected strongly, stating; "Last year we shot six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. Unfortunately, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few minutes after take off.

Climbing out of the wreck, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but I think I'll be better at "we will rock you"

A friend of mine swallowed a bottle of invisible ink.
She's at the hospital waiting to be seen.

I never mention how much I hate listening to music on the lake.
I don't want to rock the boat.

My house is haunted by a chicken
It is a poultry-geist. A really fowl spirit. I called an eggcorcist. He tried to get it to the other side.

Did you hear about the circus that caught fire?
I heard the heat was in tents!

How do you get a Scottish Trumpet out of the ground?
You need to root it oot