Two communists are sitting together at a nudist colony. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read marx?"
The second replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs"
Why was Billy Joels laundry still wet?
He didnt start the dryer.
I Started Reading A Horror Story in Braille
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Pre- means before. Post- means after. To use both prefixes together
Would be preposterous.
A Viking wife once saw clouds in the sky and asked her husband: "Will there be a thunderstorm?""Beats me", he replied, "Ask Rodolf the Red"
"Why?", she asked puzzled.
"Because Rodolf the Red, knows rain, dear"
yeah
I don't know why everyone's so upset about the redactions
I'm sure that whatever they're hiding is minor.
I bought 50 chicks from the local farmer.
They were all going cheap!
ChildrenOne weekday morning
a man wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but hadnt phoned in.
Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whisper, "Hello."
"Is your Mummy home?" he asked.
Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with her?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with him?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was someone with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anyone else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child. "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to the ambulance men and the firemen," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried, he heard a loud noise through the earpiece on the phone and asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helicopter," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Still whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter."
Alarmed, confused and frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?
Still whispering, the child replied with a muffled giggle..."Me!"
What do you call it when a church's pastor passes a stool?
Holy Shit
In a London school, the teacher asks the class to write a sentence using the phrase made available.
Little Johnny writes: Yesterday in Maida Vale a bull ran amok in the shopping centre.
Why was Noah such a bad fisherman?
He had only two worms
Some of us live thousands of miles away from most of our relatives and cant be with them this holiday season..
please dont be jealous.
The MonkeesMy wife threatened to leave me if I didnt get over my obsession with the 1960s show, The Monkees.
I thought she was kidding, but then I saw her face. . .
How does a magician get from one place to another?They
wander.
An original from my 8 year old son.
I recently visited my cousin in California. During the trip, he said to me, Earthquakes are so common here, no one is afraid of them.
I looked back at him suspiciously and replied, Then why are you shaking?
Do you know which dog just CAN'T keep a secret???
The Blabrador Retriever!
Four wishesA man rubs a lamp and a genie pops out.
Wow, the man says, a real, live genie!
Yes, says the genie. What are your four wishes?
I thought it was three?"
New system, the genie says. The last cat I served changed it up a bit. You get two wishes of your choice. The other two are regulated.
Regulated how?
Your third wish has to be for otherssomething that helps the collective. Think Communism - you know... if it actually worked.
Huh, the man says. Thats surprisingly thoughtful.
Were evolving, the genie nods.
Alright, the man says. So whats the fourth wish?
That one doesnt happen right away, the genie says. You make the wish, then its fulfilled eight days laterbut only if you light a candle every night.
Why?
The genie shrugs.
Thats just the order. One wish. Two wish. Red wish. Jewish.
What breed of animal produces chocolate milk?
The ca-cow
Why are moon rocks more appetizing to eat than earth rocks?
Because they are more meteor.
Did you hear about that criminal who terrorizes the neighborhood on his bike?
The guys a cyclepath.
What type of flower is the best at kissing?
Tulips
If you make snow angels in winter, what can you make in summer?
Sand witches.
I found a new bread recipe where you dont have to get your hands messy while mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
Pete Townshend asked Roger Daltrey how he was getting on with his new glasses he received from the opticians.
He replied, I Can See for Miles.
What does santa pay to park his sleigh?
Nothing. It's on the house.