Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a man in a trench coat came up and flashed them One old lady immediately had a stroke.
The other couldn't quite reach.
I got asked out by five girls today!
I was definitely in the wrong bathroom.
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
7 was a 6 offender
My wife asked me if I could clear the dining room table before dinner
It took me 3 attempts and a substantial run up, but I fucking nailed it
I was gonna tell a railroad joke
But I lost my train of thought.
Excuse me, where is the gender neutral restroom?
Thanks, I really need to take a she/it
My wife says that I don't respect her privacy.
At least that's what it says in her diary.
What kind of bees produce milk?
Boobees
I rushed to the hospital after hearing my mother had been admitted. I asked, What happenedis she okay?! The doctor explained she got stuck in a handstand during her yoga class and warned me, Everything is upside down to her for now.
I walked into her room and was like, Wow
You can take my fireworks when you pry them from my cold, dead handsWhich are over there on the sidewalk.
If the founding fathers were anti-gay, why did Washington always brag about going home to...
mount Vernon?
What did the police officer say to his belly button?
Youre under a vest.
Fun Fact: George Washington employed poultry for counter-espionage efforts against the Loyalists.
He called it Operation Chicken Cacciatore.
I discovered a tiny room with some fungi growing in it
Theres not mush room in here for a person.
!BREAKING! Police are searching for a gang who stole ropes from the local toy shop.
Its believed theyve skipped town
I couldn't find anyone to sing with me...
So I bought a duet yourself kit.
I really appreciate the laminate countertops in our new kitchen.
My wife took it for granite though.
I once dated a meter maid
She was fine
I had to take a week off work because my cow was sick.
My boss thinks I'm milking it.
Why aren't there any knock-knock jokes about the US?
Because freedom rings.
This Independence Day, please remember its not firecracker that term is very offensive to some people.
Its fire Caucasian
Look, if you're an Argentina fan, a win is a win
even if it was a little Messi.
What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Open toad.