What do you call a chameleon that can't change its colors anymore?
A reptile dysfunction

An Elderly Italian man went to his local church for confession
An elderly Italian man went to his local church for confession.

When the priest opened the screen, the old man said:

Father during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood came to my door.

She was terrified and begged me to hide her from the Nazis.

So I hid her in my attic.

The priest replied gently,

My son, that was a brave and compassionate act. There is nothing to confess there.

The man hesitated.

Theres more, Father.

She showed her gratitude by becoming very affectionate with me.

Several times a week.

Sometimes even twice on Sundays.

The priest paused, then said,

My son, those were extraordinary times.

You both lived in fear for your lives.

Human weakness under such conditions is understandable.

If you are truly sorry, you are forgiven.

The old man sighed with relief.

Thank you, Father. That lifts a great burden from my heart.

Then he added,

One last question

Yes? said the priest.

Should I tell her the war is over?

The meteorologist who developed the Heat Index passed away yesterday.
He was 88, but felt like 95

I went shopping for cherries and microphone stands.
Bought a bing, bought a boom.

I just heard rodents might start a revolution.
Imagine mice uprise.

People who write "burro" when they mean "burrow"...
... clearly don't know their ass from a hole in the ground.

What does a pirate do when hes hot?
​He turns on the arrr-conditioner.

A lot of people dont realize that French fries arent cooked in France.
Theyre cooked in Greece.

Did you know what happened when a cheetah and a crab crossed path
Damn, things went sideways very fast

What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.

My wife sat me down and suggested we spice things up and start sharing our opinions with other couples.
But Im just not ready for an opine marriage.

Who is the richest Irishman?
Why, its Bill ONare!

I accidentally sprayed body spray in my mouth.
Now I speak with an Axe scent.

Give me your best "In high school, I was voted Most Likely To..." jokes
My personal favourite: "In high school, I was voted Most Likely to Hold a Grudge... I'm still angry about it"

Teacher: Please give me a sentence using these three words: defence, defeat, and detail.
Student: "When a dog jumps over defence, defeat go first, then detail."

I saw an NSFW ad earlier
The man in the construction site didn't have his hard hat.

Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.

What kind of person always fails to finish their sentences?
A jailbreaker, because they

Why do we say no pun intended and not
That was pun-intentional

My wife asked if I had taken a shower today.
I said, "No. Why, are you missing one?"

Why are beavers so good at chewing wood?
Because gnawing is half the battle.

Action movie stars agree to do a period piece movie about famous composers...
Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting with the casting director deciding who will play which composer.

Willis says: "I want to be Mozart."

Stallone says: "Taking the best one I see, then I have dibs on Beethoven."

Schwarzenegger sighs and says: "I'll be Bach."

Quitting my job
Today is my last day at work and Ive been tasked with brining a good dad joke to my final meeting. Give me your best!!

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr. Dre