To all the Dad's out there...
Happy Father's Day motherfuckers!

I rented a limo for $500 and just found out it doesnt cover the cost of a driver
I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it

I asked a German girl for her phone number.
I'm still waiting for the rest of it, as she's only given me the first number. "Nein".

We were at a campsite in a national forest when a Ford pickup with "National Park Service" drove by. My wife said "that must be the park ranger."
I said nope, too big. Thats the park F-150.

I immediately woke up my puppy when he started mumbling in his dream about the earth being flat.
I dont let sleeping dogs lie.

My boss asked me: why I am sick on week days only?
I said it must be my weekend immune system

Just once I'd like someone to call me Sir without the added
"You're causing a scene. We're going to have to ask you to leave."

What is the fastest male fruit?
Mango

I learned today that fathers are like a subtraction problem.
They make a difference.

Him: Oh no! Our neighbor died! Her: Who? Ray?
Look, I wasnt his biggest fan either, but I dont think celebrating is appropriate.

What was the baby computers first word?
Data.

(Figured this was a good one for Fathers Day)

Life is a lot like flying a helicopter
I don't know how to fly a helicopter

To who ever stole my anti-depressants.
I hope you are happy now

Whats Peter Pans favorite restaurant?
Wendys

This dadjoke subreddit is really important
My humor goes father here

Ps. Happy Fathers Day!

I used to look up to my dad
But then I got taller!

happy father's day!
one of my friends told me years ago that his daughter came up to him and said, DADDY! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!

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he said thank you and she should let her mommy know that too. so she went to her mommy and said, MOMMY! I LOVE DADDY SO MUCH!

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happy father's day, all!

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My paper plane wont fly
Its completely stationary

I poured ketchup in my eyes
With the benefit of Heinz-sight, I shouldn't have.

I went into the workshop to get my stepladder and started to cry.
I never knew my REAL ladder (sob).

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

FSH

You know whats wild?
Undomesticated animals.

Cottage Cheese isnt really cheese
Its just a curd to me.

Ive got a song in my show about the combination for my safe.
Its the opening number.