We just found out my grandfather has an addiction to Viagra
No one is taking it harder than grandma

Last night, I laid my head on my wife in bed. She said "Why are your ears so cold?"
I could feel a pun there but it just didn't appear. I was frozen. I told her as much.

It haunted me all night. In the morning on my hour drive to work, it was in my head. Same on the drive home.

Finally it came to me.

I got home, walked inside, and first thing I said to her was "ear conditioning."

"What?"

"That's why my ears were cold."

The look she gave me as she realized how much time I spent finding that one.

It's an art form, dads. Sometimes you have to work for it. Don't give up.

I told the nurse that I was bitten by a wolf.
she asked "Where?"

I replied "No. Normal"

Where does bad light go?
To prism.

Why did the police officer arrest the duck ?
because it was sellin quack

why is it risky to use sarcasm, puns, or dad-jokes around kleptomaniacs?
well, they take everything...literally.

My dad just got a kidney transplant, I need joke ideas!
Hey guys,

My dad got a kidney transplant recently and my mom actually donated hers to someone else. I really want to make them custom t-shirts with some dumb jokes on the back, I need recommendations!

For my dad I was thinking something along the lines of I like when strangers put their parts inside of me

For my mom I have no idea something like I knew weight loss was hard, but nobody told me about this part but that might be too sensitive lol

Edit: thanks everyone! I ordered the gifts and ended up going with :

Dad - I have, on at least one occasion, let a stranger put their parts inside of me

Mom - when I donate one kidney Im a hero, when I donate 10 the cops always have questions courtesy of u/One_Economist_3761

Which is heavier?
Forgive me if this is a repeat, but my dad just told me this joke so I think it qualifies for this sub.

Which is heavier, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

the water, because butane is a lighter fluid.

As a pyromaniac, I've had a lot of trouble finding a girlfriend.
I'm still looking for a match.

My ex wife still misses me
But her aim is getting better

What is the best time of year to go skydiving?
Fall

I got fired for putting my hair in a bun.
I hate this burger joint.

I complained to my son, "Its a shame nothing is built in the U.S. anymore!"
The T.V. we just bought says, Built in Antenna and to be perfectly honest...

"I dont even know where that is!"

A man was outside a phone booth waiting for 20 minutes while another man held the phone without saying a word.
"Excuse me," he said, "you haven't spoken at all!"

The man replied, "I'm talking to my wife!"

How do you tell a male crow from a female crow?
Crow-mosomes!

Correct accessory
I arranged to meet my Mrs in town this afternoon for a coffee, and as I was got to the meeting point early I could see her walking towards me, and as she started to get closer I realised that she was only wearing one glove so I asked her if she had realised that she had dropped a glove, she turned around and said that she had not lost it but it was at home, and she said that before leaving home she saw the weather report on television and the weather reporter said that it was going to be warm but on the other hand it may be cold, so she said that she had dressed accordingly.

I thought I had a good joke about swiss cheese
But it had too many holes

I just found out that my ophthalmologist isnt licensed.
Shes an eye con

Seal.
What did the seal with one fin say to the shark?

If seal is broken, do not consume.

I burned my Hawaiian pizza today
Should have cooked it at aloha temperature

Why are centipedes always late for practice?
Because they put their pants on one leg at a time just like everybody else.

Why do ducks have tails
To cover their butt quacks

what does have 5 toes and isnt your foot
my foot lol, sorry it was bad

What do you call an emperor that takes out his enemies?
A pror