Whats the difference between a dad joke and an athletic rabbit?
Ones a bit funny and the others a fit bunny.

Did you hear about the guy who died when a periodic table fell on him?
The official cause of death was "exposure to the elements".

I'm writing a book about WD-40.
It's Non-Friction

I broke up with my girlfriend because I found out she was a communist.
I should have known. There were red flags everywhere.

My friend has been engaged 5 times, but never married.
That's a lot of near misses.

Some jokes I've collected, and some I made up
Some of these I made up, but they are obvious so I don't claim to be the originator.

I thought about going on a Round the World Cruise. But I think that ship has sailed.

I told my wife she'd painted her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

I can see myself working in a mirror factory. But on reflection...

I got offered a job as a mattress tester. I told them I'd have to sleep on it.

I thought about becoming a motivational speaker, but I couldn't be bothered.

I could always go back to work at the helium factory, they still speak very highly of me.

I did a once in a lifetime trip last year. Never again.

Thought of another one - I went into an Army Surplus Store and asked if they had any camouflage jackets. They said yes, but they couldn't find them.

Really happened (I-5 in CA) - I saw a sign on the freeway that said corn maze ahead, so of course I told my girlfriend "I bet its amazing."
Without missing a beat she replied "your so corny."

As my daughter was walking out the door to go on her first date, in my best grumpy old tough guy dad voice, I growled, "I want her home before midnight." The boy she was going with stopped dead in his tracks, turned slowly around and with wide eyes replied....
"But you already own her home!"

Shopping with my wife at the mall, I said, Babe, you need to accept that Im a changed man.
She goes, Get out of the damn dressing room already.

Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.

Why do pandas loaf around in the zoo?
They're bread in captivity.

Mannequin.
When I was younger I had a job as a shop window mannequin.

I held that position for a long time.

Why did the 9V battery get kicked out of the group?
It was an AA meeting.

I kept forgetting where I left my shoes
So I bought some memory foam sneakers.

He admitted that he didn't know anything about the cloning machine.
I said: "That makes two of us!"

Why should you never rub avocados in your eyes?
Well, you could get guacoma.

What do you call the shortest mother ever?
The minimum.

What group do pan-sexual people belong in?
The LGBBQ community.

I was starving to death and my friend lent me some spices....
Now I'm living on borrowed thyme.

I had to tell my patient I'd dreadfully messed up his plastic surgery.
I'll never forget the look on his elbow.

What musical keys do cows sing in?
Beef flat!

I refuse to eat steak on the beach.
Thats my loin in the sand.

I went bird watching with Sinead O Connor.
We saw 7 Owls and 15 Jays then I saw a dove today.

I do a lot of illegal things...
But graffiti is where I draw the line.

The other day, someone ripped out the 5th month out of my calendar.
I'm dismayed.