People who write "burro" when they mean "burrow"...
... clearly don't know their ass from a hole in the ground.

I accidentally sprayed body spray in my mouth.
Now I speak with an Axe scent.

Teacher: Please give me a sentence using these three words: defence, defeat, and detail.
Student: "When a dog jumps over defence, defeat go first, then detail."

Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.

I saw an NSFW ad earlier
The man in the construction site didn't have his hard hat.

A lot of people dont realize that French fries arent cooked in France.
Theyre cooked in Greece.

A drunk man comes home late. His wife sees him and angrily exclaims, Are you drunk again?!
The man shakes his head and answers, No, I am not drunk!

Okay, then prove it. Theres a clock over there. Can you tell the time?

Of course I can! says the man.

He turns toward the clock and screams, Hey! I am not drunk!

Hello all, selling used Parachutes...
Lifetime Warranty:

If it doesn't work, just bring it back, we'll exchange it.

I saw a NSFW ad not too long ago
What a cheeky commercial

Seventy percent of the earths surface is covered in water and none of it is carbonated
Thats proof that the earth is flat.

A person asked me, "Are you the guy who always brags about weird stuff?"
I replied "No, I'm the guy who takes the longest baths in the county".

Australias biggest export is boomerangs.
It is also their biggest import.

I saw a group of kids throwing Scrabble tiles at each other.
Its all fun and games until someone loses an I.

A man turned to his friend and said he was scared of doing a conga line..
The friend replied, "don't worry, I've got your back!"

(An original made up by my 7yo son)

I can't believe how hot it is today
It's so hot that my garlic had to take its cloves off

Why can't you give Elsa a balloon?
Because she'll let it go.

Today is my sons 4th birthday. When he came out of his room this morning, I didnt recognize him at first
It was as if I had never seen him be four

I answered the door this morning.
A 6ft beetle punched me in the face and called me fat.

Police confirmed my story saying in fact "Yes...there is a nasty bug going around".

Man: Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!
Judge: Repeat infractions?

Man: Fine. 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!

What does the Human Torch order at a Jamaican steakhouse?
Filet mon!

The old cowboy had such bad saddle sores
he had to move into ass-cysted living.

Be advised that when you tour a cookie factory,
you'll be asked to sign a wafer.

Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mother carries a photo of only one of them in her wallet.
I guess if youve seen Juan, youve seen Amal.

What do you call a medieval knight with lactose intolerance?
Sir Flatulancelot

A man goes to a dermatologist with a rare skin disease. The doctor says, "Try a milk bath".
So the guy goes to the grocery store and tells the dairy manager he needs enough milk to take a bath. The dairy guys ask "You want that pasteurized?" "Nah", the man replies "Up to my chin should do it."