Doctor: Im afraid you have chlamydia, gonorrhoea and onomatopoeia.
Patient: onomatopoeia? Whats that?

Doctor: Im afraid its exactly what it sounds like.

I was recently invited to a 3 way
There were a couple of no shows but I still had a great time

A guy is walking through the woods one day when he comes across a suitcase.
He takes a look inside, only to find a fox and her cubs. So he calls the ASPCA and tells the woman who answers what hes found... She says, Oh, thats horrible. Are they moving?

The guy replies, I dont know, but that would explain the suitcase.

I got fired from my job as an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.

A man walked into a pharmacy and wandered up and down the aisles looking at many things. After a while a salesclerk noticed and asked if he needed any help. He told her he was looking for a box of tampons for his wife and she directed him to the correct aisle.
A few minutes later he brought a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string and placed them on the counter.

Seeing this, the clerk said, Sir, I don't want to be nosy, and feel free not to answer me, but I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife. What gives?"

"You see, it's like this, he replied.. Yesterday I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers because "it's sooooooo much cheaper.
So I figure if I have to roll my own so does she.

I told my wife I was building a model of Mount Everest. She asked, Is it to scale?
I said, No, its just to look at.

After Tim Cook stepped down as CEO of Apple. I'd hoped Trump would also step down.
Of course, I'm comparing apples to oranges.

Little Nancy, 8, was filling a hole in her garden when a nosy neighbor peered over the fence and asked What are you doing? Nancy replied, Well my goldfish died so I just buried him The obnoxious neighbor laughed and said in a condescending tone, Thats an awful big hole for a tiny goldfish
As Nancy used her shovel to pat down the last heap of earth she replied, "Well, he's in your cat.

A very wealthy man was on his deathbed in his mansion.
Before he dies, he tells his wife to put $10 million in cash in a suitcase in the attic so he can take it with him on his way to heaven.

The dutiful wife does as he asks, and then the man passes away.

After the funeral, the wife goes back up into the attic. The suitcase is still there and the $10 million is still inside.

The wife says to herself, I knew I should have put it in the basement.

The whole town turned against me when I made fun of our coastal infrastructure
I just wanted to disappear

Why are rotten sausages so annoying?
Because they're spoiled brats!

Mom: Honey, little Jimmy swallowed a nickel the he coughed up two dimes. What do I do?
Dad: keep feeding him nickels.

Patient : Doctor doctor, I've swallowed my pocket money
Doctor : Take this and we'll see if there's any change in the morning

Never Fart in an Apple store
They got no windows

My mother has a twin sister that loves to fish. She fishes so often, she smells of fish.
We affectionately call her Aunt Chovie.

"Can you believe it? I've lost the fifteenth letter of the alphabet."
"Oh?"

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said:
You know one wouldve been enough.

What is the cost/price of a chimney ?
its free

Its on the house

When I was a kid, I could walk into a store with $1 and walk out with 4 candy bars.
Now they have cameras everywhere.

One time on a hike, I spotted an albino Dalmation dog...
It was the least I could do.

I spilled a drink on my collared shirt
It is now a tea shirt

Alcohol and calculus should never mix.
Dont drink and derive

What do angry chilly peppers do?
They get jalapeno face

My friend Jake recently broke up with his girlfriend Ruth..
Hes now ruthless

What do you call it when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence?
Udder destruction.