What do you call a nun that can fly?
(A) A bird
(B) A plane
(C) None of the above
I told my date over dinner that I worked on oil rigs. She said, Oh wow, whats that like?
"It's mostly boring."
I got mugged by 6 dwarves last night.
Not happy
What three letter word starts with gas?
Car
There was once a fisherman.
He caught a mermaid once in his net and decided to let her go. When the mermaid went back in the water, she said, "You are a good person, so I will give you an option: you can either choose great wealth or high intelligence." He chose intelligence, and the mermaid granted his wish, but the guy suddenly started to cry. Then the mermaid asked what happened. The guy replied, "You said I could choose wealth or intelligence." The mermaid replied, "Yes" and I choose intelligence, and the mermaid replied, "Yes." But only after being granted intelligence did I realise that I should have chosen wealth.
I just ordered a whole roast duck at a Chinese restaurant.
I was shocked when I saw the bill.
I went to the doctor to get treated for a skin condition.
The doctor said that hed need more time to diagnose the problem because he didnt want to make a rash decision.
I farted in my wallet.
Now I have gas money.
As an inexperienced mountain climber, I will say Sherpas are a waste of time
and I will die on this hill
Did you hear about the cheese factory in France that exploded?....
Debris is everywhere
My kid came home from school in tears. I asked, What happened, bud? The English teacher sent me to the principals office for being disrespectful! In front of the whole class she asked if I would like to demonstrate a polite decline.
I looked her right in the eye and said no thanks.
The contractor cant guarantee hell remove ALL of the toxic chemicals from your house
But hell try asbestos he can
During my career as a hairdresser, I once worked from 8am to 10pm without a break.
I collapsed from shear exhaustion.
Why is it called a baby shower?
I mean, you can't even show your baby off yet!
What is the best present you can give to someone?
A broken drum. No one can beat that.
Remember, Guitars have been picked on ALL their lives and they STILL make BEAUTIFUL music.
Don't fret the small stuff.
What did one plant say to another?
I am rooting for you
I ordered giant duck at a fancy restaurant the other day...
The bill was huge!
Where did the duck go when he hurt his back?
The chiro-quacktor
Did you know that hoovers are 78 percent more likely to give you dust cancer!?
This is why Im proud to be Anti Vacs.
What do you call a sleeping car?
A Ford siesta
I tried donating blood once. Just once, never again!
Too many stupid questions:
Where'd you get it? Whose blood is it? Why is it in a bucket?
Whats the capital of Chicago?
C
What do you say to a Mexican carpet fitter that isnt working fast enough?
Underlay! Underlay!