They say that having fish tanks can help soothe mental and physical pain.
it's probably because of all the indoor fins.

(I'm nowhere near as sorry as I should be! )

What did Harry Potter say when he filled up his gas tank?
Expensive Petroleum

Why do we only ever hear about the Babylonians?
I'd also like to know what the Adultlonians were up to!

Why should you say break a leg to wish someone luck when theyre auditioning for a play?
Because you want them to end up in the cast.

I refuse to see any doctor named William.
Im not looking to deal with medical Bills.

I'll never forget what my grandad said to me before he croaked.
He said "hey kid, wanna hear my frog impression?"

When does a regular joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.

I have a joke about a ceiling
but its probably over your head

I just got hired at a parsley farm.
Its pretty easy work but the downside is that they started garnishing my wages.

What do you call a Chinese amputee
TaiWanShu

My dog gets bit by ducks at the park
I should know better than to take him there because he's pure bread

On a recent cruise to Mexico, we went to ride dolphins. When I got in the water, the dolphin swam up to me, slapped me across the face with a glove and motioned towards a floating box with 2 pistols in it. I asked the guy if this was the one i was supposed to ride. He said
Si, he is duel porpoise!

I entered a lottery to win an entire shopping center, but I failed.
I guess you can't win a mall.

Why was the history book so noisy?
It was full of pages from the past.

I'd like to thank Miriam Webster
I'd like to thank Miriam Webster for teaching me the meaning of the word "Plethora"... it really means a lot.

The funeral home interred my father in the wrong burial plot.
I said it was a grave mistake.

You would think that a snail without a shell would move that bit faster..
but it's actually more sluggish..

What is an alcoholics favorite waterway?
The Strait of Vermouth

What do you call a dog on a submarine?
A subwoofer

What did the pirate say when he turned eighty?
Aye matey

Man, I hate the flu.
It should be shot.

What is the name of the country that is always starving?
Hungary!

Fitness trainer: What kind of squats are you used to doing?dad
Me: Diddly

RIP
I was going to tell a joke about the Jonestown mass suicide but the punchline is pretty long.

Dad jokes in space!
On the last day of the Artemis II Mission, mission specialist Christina Koch wanted milk in her coffee, to which Commander Reid Wiseman said You cant use milk. In space, no one can; here use cream.

(Cant confirm if Commander Wiseman actually said this, but apparently this was overhead. I know a transmission from yesterday morning for splashed down.)