The meteorologist who developed the Heat Index passed away yesterday.
He was 88, but felt like 95
I went shopping for cherries and microphone stands.
Bought a bing, bought a boom.
What do you call a chameleon that can't change its colors anymore?
A reptile dysfunction
A man wakes up in the hospital. The phone rings, a doctor tells the man: "I have really bad news. You're very sick. After your collapse yesterday, we ordered several tests, you have Avian flu, Ebola, you're HIV positive and have hepatitis." The man asks "What are you going to do?"
The doc replies: "For starters we're putting you on a strict diet of only pizza." "Will that really help me?" "No, but it's all we can fit under the door."
Give me your best "In high school, I was voted Most Likely To..." jokes
My personal favourite: "In high school, I was voted Most Likely to Hold a Grudge... I'm still angry about it"
An Elderly Italian man went to his local church for confession
An elderly Italian man went to his local church for confession.

When the priest opened the screen, the old man said:

Father during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood came to my door.

She was terrified and begged me to hide her from the Nazis.

So I hid her in my attic.

The priest replied gently,

My son, that was a brave and compassionate act. There is nothing to confess there.

The man hesitated.

Theres more, Father.

She showed her gratitude by becoming very affectionate with me.

Several times a week.

Sometimes even twice on Sundays.

The priest paused, then said,

My son, those were extraordinary times.

You both lived in fear for your lives.

Human weakness under such conditions is understandable.

If you are truly sorry, you are forgiven.

The old man sighed with relief.

Thank you, Father. That lifts a great burden from my heart.

Then he added,

One last question

Yes? said the priest.

Should I tell her the war is over?

Why would a pig dressed in black never get bullied?
Because Batman has sworn to protect Goth Ham.
A newlywed couple moves into their new house
One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, Honey, one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?

The husband says, What do I look like, a plumber?

A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, Honey, the car wont start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you check it for me?

He says, What do I look like, a mechanic?

Another few days go by, and its raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, Honey, theres a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?

He says, What do I look like, a handy-man?

The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened.

Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them, she says.

Great! How much is that going to cost me? he snarls.

The wife says, Nothing. He said hed do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him.

Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make? asks the husband.

She said, Do I look like Betty Crocker?

I can't believe I'm making a joke about spanking Dwayne Johnson...
...I've really hit Rock Bottom.
My wife is getting to the age where she collects pets
Shes going through many-paws.
How did the hacker get away from police?
He ransomware.
What do vegan robots like to eat?
Spring mix
I just heard rodents might start a revolution.
Imagine mice uprise.
What does a pirate do when hes hot?
​He turns on the arrr-conditioner.
People who write "burro" when they mean "burrow"...
... clearly don't know their ass from a hole in the ground.
Very disappointed to find out that my universal remote does not control the universe.
Not even remotely.
I sent a letter to the Department of Defense criticizing their arrangement of planes during military flyovers. Apparently, they didn't take too kindly to it.
They're accusing me of dissin' formation.
I heard Kenny Rogers wrote a book on origami...
The first lesson?

Know when to hold em

Know when to fold em.

I asked the chef if I could put some cheese in the pesto sauce.
She gave me Parmesan to do so.
What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
Quitting my job
Today is my last day at work and Ive been tasked with brining a good dad joke to my final meeting. Give me your best!!
A lot of people dont realize that French fries arent cooked in France.
Theyre cooked in Greece.
I'm making breakfast for my kids, but can't decide when to stop
I'm still waffling
Why are beavers so good at chewing wood?
Because gnawing is half the battle.
My wife sat me down and suggested we spice things up and start sharing our opinions with other couples.
But Im just not ready for an opine marriage.