A husband is out in the backyard with his wife, who is busy gardening.
He's feeling a bit mischievous and says, "You know, honey, your butt is getting so big, its starting to look like that BBQ grill over there."

The wife ignores him and keeps weeding. Later that night in bed, the husband starts making some romantic advances. His wife completely brushes him off and rolls over.

"What's wrong?" he asks, surprised.She replies, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

How does one define a Dad Joke?
The short answer?
Its kind of hard to do, but you know when you hear one!

The long answer?
Iiiiitttttsss kkkkkkkiiiiiinnnnddd oooooffff hhhaaaarrrddd tttooooo dddooooo, bbbuuutttt yyyyooooouuuu kknnnnoooowww wwwhhheeeennnn yyyyoooouuuuu hhhheeeeaaaaarr oooonnneee!!!!!

What is a pirates favorite thing at a birthday party
da balloons

What do you call a typo on a tombstone?
A grave mistake

I nearly dropped a carton of eggs while unpacking groceries with my wife but I caught them before they hit the ground
I told her that I should be leading the x-men.

She said "why"

I said "because I'm professor egg savior"

Family checks into a hotel and father says I hope the porn is disabled here.
Naw, its just regular porn, you sick fuck. replies the front desk clerk.

Don't mean to brag or anything, but the cashiers at the grocery store are always checking me out.
Lol

What be a pirates favorite letter?
Some one answers R, you think it be R but a pirates heart belongs to the C

My doctor told me I could have a stroke at any time
Now Im a registered sex offender

A dog walks into a bar. The bartender yells, "Get out!" and shoots him in the foot as the dog runs away.
The dog returns the next day wearing a holster with a gun in it and says, "I'm lookin' fer the man who shot my paw!"

Why are most horses in shape?
They are on a stable diet!

I was reaching for a book then it hit me
I only have my shelf to blame

I got booted from the coffee club
Because I wore a tea shirt

What is the must popular car in Norway?
FJORD

Can someone please tell this old man what tysm means?
Thank you so much

Whats the difference between a bad joke and a dad joke?
A backwards b.

People from Taiwan are so obsessed with my blood.
Always asking if I'm Type A

My uncle lost all his limbs working at a landmine factory
I told him its probably best to quit while hes a head

I saw Gene Simmons and his wife at a baseball game.
They were on the KISS cam.

Where do zucchini hold their trials?
In the squash court!

What do you call a 1 legged Asian?
Thai Won Shu

I asked my dog whats two minus two.
He said nothing.

Mother's Day is the day in America with the least crime
That says a lot about how much crime is committed by mothers who can't do anything illegal that day because they are with their kids having brunch.

A man dies and is so overwhelmed he asks St. Peter for a cigarette and something to light it with
It was a match made in heaven.