I didnt want to believe that my son was stealing from his new job at the department of transportation
But when i got home, there were many signs

When I got divorced, my wife and I fought over who would get the weed.
In the end, the judge gave us both joint custody

I bought shoes from a drug dealer. I dont know what he laced them with.
Ive been tripping all day.

Why do reggae singers hate going to prison?
Because they dread locks

Why does Yoda like sheep?
Cuz Dagobah. (They go baa!) I will see myself out.

I told my wife I bought her a hoodie that says DAD JOKES. She rolled her eyes. You cant be serious.
I said, Babe, relax I got you the perfect sighs.

What do you call an elderly Egyptian?
Giza

Be careful of any special deals the server offers you at Applebees
We'd just finished and out of the blue the server asks "Box for your food, sir?"

Well that was too good to pass up. She was tougher than she looked but I did manage to prevail. And in a clear breach of contract the manager immediately had me arrested.

Sore losers!

The snowman went to the garden.
He wanted to pick his nose.

What do you call a nun with low self esteem?
Mother Inferior

I heard that a vampire set off a truck bomb on Sesame Street
It was counter terrorism

Why is it so easy to break out of jail in Hershey, Pennsylvania?
Chocolate bars.

Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM...
Onion rings.

My Mrs told me my face looks like the back of a boat today...
I didn't know what to say, so I gave her a stern look.

My friends suggested we disguise ourselves as luggage at the airport
I said lets not get carried away

During dinner, my date casually mentioned, Oh, by the way, Im definitely a dog person.
I looked at her and said, Id have to disagree, youre actually very pretty!

Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?
Because it was over 90 degrees.

Drank invisible ink by accident this morning.
I'm in the ER waiting to be seen.

We just agreed to foster two new puppies, and my wife named them Rolex and Omega
They're gonna be watch dogs.

(Of course, we'll have to check them for ... ticks.)

I found out my girlfriend is a ghost
I had my suspicions when she walked through the door

Based on my research, the most insidious bias is confirmation bias.
As I expected.

A crazy thing happened at bowling yesterday. The ball flew out of my hand into another lane where someone caught it and threw it for a strike.
It was an alley oops.

Whats the difference between Donald Duck and Donald Trump?
Ones just a duck. And the other ones a lame duck!

I just found a 95 year old painting in my attic.
I told him to leave immediately.

I was going to tell a joke about a boomerang but I've forgotten the punchline.
But I'm sure it'll come back to me