My girlfriend told me that sex is much better on vacation.
That wasnt a very nice postcard to receive.

What do you call an illiterate nazi?
Anti-semantic

I got mugged by six dwarves last night.
Not Happy.

Timmy: Mommy, I don't want to go to school today. The kids all bully me and call me names and stuff.
Mommy: Now come on Timmy, you know you have to go in. After all, you're the headmaster.

Where do bank robbers buy their getaway cars?
At the flee market.

In other news...
...the sexual position formerly known as 69 will be replaced with 96.

Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up.

My deaf girlfriend told me she feels sick
that's not a good sign

Where do pirates get their hooks?
Second hand stores.

Whenever I get self-conscious in social situations, I reach into my pocket and rub a tiny rock.
Then I start feeling a little boulder.

What do you call an over used werewolf plot device?
A lycan trope

Siri, why am I so bad at relationships with women?
This is Alexa.

My boss is threatening to fire the employee who has the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.

My girlfriend and I were setting up camp when we heard someone screaming Help! Help me! from deep in the woods. I immediately dropped what I was doing, wrapped myself in a giant warm pita, and while I slathered on tzatziki sauce, my girlfriend pleaded, Please, stop!
You dont always have to be a gyro.

What do you call a guy who is even more laidback than Jeffery Lebowski?
Subdued

It took years of study, but...
...Ive finally memorized all the words to 'Tequila' by The Champs.

I cant remember what chronic means
Its been bothering me for years

Burglar.
Did you hear about the burglar who fell into a cement mixer?
Now hes a hardened criminal.

^One for the older kids^. Why do Monsters hate eating ghosts?
Because they taste like sheet.

What do you call a combination bulldozer driver and flautist?
Doug Flutie!

What does the carrot use to brush his teeth?
Tuber toothpaste

Did you hear about the Barbarian Warrior Dad?
He obtained an extremely large, very sharp battle ax - his weapon of choice, and named it.

...Kindness.

If youre planning to groom a hairy dog, make sure you set aside enough time.
It takes fur-ever!

During our team meeting at work, my boss asked me anything else from your end? I said
Not until tomorrow morning after coffee

Peeing your pants isn't really that big a deal
It's just a wee mistake