As my daughter was walking out the door to go on her first date, in my best grumpy old tough guy dad voice, I growled, "I want her home before midnight." The boy she was going with stopped dead in his tracks, turned slowly around and with wide eyes replied....
"But you already own her home!"

Why did the 9V battery get kicked out of the group?
It was an AA meeting.

I had to tell my patient I'd dreadfully messed up his plastic surgery.
I'll never forget the look on his elbow.

Why should you never rub avocados in your eyes?
Well, you could get guacoma.

I broke up with my girlfriend because I found out she was a communist.
I should have known. There were red flags everywhere.

I do a lot of illegal things...
But graffiti is where I draw the line.

What do you call the shortest mother ever?
The minimum.

The other day, someone ripped out the 5th month out of my calendar.
I'm dismayed.

You can cook prawn all you want.
But they'll still be raw in the middle.

My wife was complaining that I never buy her flowers.
I didnt even know she sold them.

In today's news, Little Red Riding Hood was found in critical condition.
Paramedics say she's stable at the moment, but she's not out of the woods yet.

Most actors eat with a fork
but Reese Witherspoon.

I refuse to eat steak on the beach.
Thats my loin in the sand.

I bought a vacuum cleaner to replace my old one.
The new one really sucks!

I hired a landscape gardener but he couldnt help me.
.my garden is portrait

I asked the book store owner if she knew the book about Pavlov's dogs and Shroedinger's cat.
She said, "I don't know if I have it or not, but it rings a bell."

A blonde was at the bar watching the 6:00 news when a guy was about to jump off a bridge. A guy saw her and said Ill bet you $100 he jumps. She takes the bet. He jumps and the guy said I cant take your money I saw it on the 5:00 news.
She hands him the $100 and says so did I, but I didnt think he was going to do it again!

I was going to buy a kfc franchise
But I chickened out .

I love going outdoors.
So much safer than going through windows.

I didnt want to admit to myself that my friend was stealing road markers
But when I saw his bedroom, all the signs were there.

I'm not being condescending
I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

Why are guys such great cooks
Because with just two eggs and a sausage, they can fill a belly for 9 months

I wanted to write a joke about restraining orders...
This is as close as I could get though

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

The other night, I tried mixing Mexican alcohol with 20th century American literature.
I ended up with tequila mockingbird.