I swallowed a bunch of synonyms today.
I got thesaurus throat Ive ever had.

I bought a dictionary online. When it arrived all the pages were completely blank.
I have no words

I lost my temper at a Vietnamese restaurant, and they told me to never come back.
They banh mi pho life.

I dont have a Dad Bod
I have a Father Figure.

what does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
a synonym roll

I make prosthetic limbs for children on my 3d printer
I guess you could say I'm a small arms dealer.

My kid has an unhealthy interest in really bad leaders from ancient history.
Im concerned he could be Nerotypical.

Why are pigs dressed in black never bullied?
Because Batman has sworn to protect Goth-ham!

Saw my doctor about erectile dysfunction. He said, You could try Viagra, or if you want something stronger, Cialis.
I said, Hmm show me a picture of Alice first.

What's God's Favorite chord?
Gsus

I never told a joke about guns...
But I'll give it a shot.

I am a bisexual with lesbian parents
So I guess you could say Im 50% Gay on my mothers side.

Two guys are robbing a liquor store. One of them asks he other "is this whiskey?"
The other one says : yeah, but it's not as wisky as wobbing a bank

Vegan: The chicken you're eating had a family.
Me: That's why I ordered the family bucket, no-one gets left behind.

My neighbor told me I'm abusing the word "literally."
I literally exploded.

Why was the executioner fired from his job?
He lost his head

I tried to return the bread my Jewish friend gave me but she absolutely refused to accept it
She just kept singing "I ain't no Challah-back girl!"

Happy Rosh Hashanah to those who celebrate!

Whos the coolest god in Greek mythology?
I think its Hades. Heard people are dying to see him

I had plans on making alligator for dinner and now I can't.
I only have a croc pot.

I find I always have to rush when I cook with herbs
because I never have enough thyme.

If you boil a potful of funny bones
do you get a laughing stock?

I cant understand why skydiving is so expensive.
Its supposed to be a free fall!

Unfortunately, I cant afford a new set of prosthetic limbs.
They cost an arm and a leg.

The car thats least likely to hit a tree when driving through Colorado?
A Dodge Aspen.

Whats big, sticky, and brown?
A stick!