I wrote a book about the Black Death and sent it to a publisher, but they rejected it
They accused me of Plaguerism.

Not a joke I want to thank whoever posted the joke about having peekaboo virus last week
My daughter is a nurse in the UK National Health Service and I sent it to her on WhatsApp:

Hi darling, I dont want to worry you but Ive been diagnosed with peekaboo syndrome.
.
.
.
Theyre taking me to the ICU.

She replied with the eye rolling emoji and I said Id really enjoyed it. She replied:

I liked it but I'm mad about it because it caught me out. Because I naturally worry about your health.

This is peak dad jokes to me.

Scissors in the freezer
This happened a few years ago. My wife had cut up some multi-packs of chicken from Costco before putting them in the deep freezer and accidentally left the scissors in the basket inside the top of the freezer. A few hours later my then 16yo son goes to grab something out of said freezer, and yells out "Why would anyone put a pair of scissors in the freezer?! Who did it? Why!?!?" I yelled back "I don't know but, they OBVIOUSLY wanted some cold cuts"

Did you hear about the scientist who tried to cross a cheetah's DNA with a crab's?
Things went sideways real fast.

A street magician once told me to 'pick a card any card'
I took his American Express

Dad Joke caught in the wild, irl
The brand name of my bone broth:

- College Inn

Give those folks an award.

I tripped on a box of Kleenex and hurt my leg.
I went to the doctor and he said you have some minor tissue damage...

Which pasta is most likely to fix an awards show?
Rigatoni.

What do you call an alligator that solves mysteries?
An investiGator.

Books that were never written:
Running to the Outhouse by Willy Makit
Illustrated by Betty Wont

I asked my dog what is 2 - 2?

He said nothing.

Hills really don't want to become mountains
They're not so inclined

What do you call it when a person dies and comes back as a cowboy?
Reintarnation

Why isnt holy water found in vaccines?
Cant take the Lords name in vein.

What is a vampires favourite soup?
Ghoul-ash

What does a train do with gum?
Chew-chew.

Clark Kent and a cannibal walk into a restaurant
The waiter says, "Soup or man?"

Funny fact
Back in the day when they only had hot air balloons for travelling, if you had a pregnant wife who needed to get rushed to the hospital, this was a good way to get airborn.

What do you call a veterinarian who specializes in treating marsupial inflammation?
A kanga-rheumatologist

Just finished reading a biography of the Dalai Lama
Apparently, he rarely wears shoes, so the soles of his feet have grown incredibly thick from walking everywhere barefoot.

And he often fasts, leaving his body in a perpetually weakened state. When he does eat, it's only rancid meat and spoiled vegetables to show his humility, which gives him terrible breath.

In summary, he's a super callused, fragile mystic with extra halitosis.

Personally I like geothermal energy a lot
It gives me a warm fuzzy feeling inside

Did you know the eye is the last thing to shut down when a person passes?
Because it dilates

I tried to tell jokes on Zoom during a work meeting
Apparently, I wasn't even remotely funny.

Did you know that the Princess Bride never had kids?
Inconceivable

Did you hear about the pregnant door?
It got knocked up.