I sat down for dinner at a restaurant and the waiter asked me, Do you want to hear todays special? I replied, "Sure, why not?!" He smiled and said, No problem sir!"
"Today is special!"

How does Moses make his morning coffee?
He-brews it.

What does the gingerbread man put on his bed?
Cookie sheets.

You think gas and electric bills are expensive but have you seen chimneys?
Theyre through the roof.

Mom used to feed me alphabet soup because she said I really liked it -- I didn't though,,,
she was just putting words in my mouth.

My wife got hooked on protein powder.
In the end, she passed a whey.

I was a victim of a kidnapping today.
I made that little shit get off my lawn!

What did Newton say when he discovered gravity?
Its about to go down!

The megalophobia subreddit is getting more and more followers each day.
If it gets too big, Ill have to leave.

How does a mother become single?
When she moves father away.

When I found out my toaster wasnt waterproof
I was shocked.

What do The White House and skinny jeans have in common?
No ball room.

People in Athens hate getting up early...
cause Dawn is tough on Greece.

Went to a comedy festival yesterday. The headliner was comedian in a wheelchair.
His stand up routine really stood out.

Did You Hear About the Cheese Factory That Exploded in France?
All that was left was debrie .

So, the worlds greatest piano tuner was a Scandinavian hermit named Opper Nocketty. One day Elton John hired him to tune his personal piano, the results were spectacular. Elton said hed never sounded better. Unfortunately the movers bumped it and it was out of tune again.
Elton personally called Mr Nocketty and asks him to re-tune his piano.
He said Im sorry but Opper Nocketty tunes but once

My boss asked me to explain the complex findings as though I were talking to a child.
I looked at him and said, "Everything's fine Timmy. The grownups are handling it. Go back to bed."

I just learned that watermelons have big weddings
because they cantaloupe

I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night.
I should have cooked it at aloha temperature.

At our family reunion picnic, I told my wife it wouldnt be the same without Grandpa. He passed away this year, and for decades he was the one keeping the flies away from the food. Now that responsibility falls to me.
She squeezed my hand and said, I know, babe. Youve got big shoos to fill.

Why did the clown do a refinance
He didn't want to pay the balloon payment

I was doing well while taking and engineering exam until I reached a question about tensile strength about a bridge. The multiple choice answers did not match my answer and I wrote on the answer sheet that I could not calculate because the span of the bridge was not included.
After the test, I told the professor that I did not see the span in the description of the question and I needed that to get the right answer.

He responded, "Noooooo one expects the span is in the question!"

I asked a Spanish sailor how the ocean was treating him
He said, No muy buoy-no.