A pea, a lemon, and a potato were leaving a bar at the top of a very steep hill after a long night.The pea, feeling quite energetic, shouted, "Lads! We're all roundlet's just roll home!" and immediately shot down the hill.
The lemon wobbled after him, but his oval shape made him list violently from side to side, which did nothing for his unsettled stomach. The potato followed behind, trundling along slowly.
When the potato finally reached the bottom, he found the lemon leaning against a lamp post, looking very pale and clearly sick. The pea, however, was already jumping up and down. "That was brilliant! Let's do it again!"
The potato looked at the lemon, then back at the pea, and said: "Easy peasy, lemons queasy.".
My boss just announced hes going to fire the employee with the worst posture.My boss just announced hes going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
Ive a hunch it could be me.
Did you hear about the new Chinese lightbulbs?
They never burn out, they just dim sum
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the stormtroopers giggle
What kind of pants does a ghost hunter wear?
Just a paranormal jeans.
Spirit Airlines says they shut down because of the economy
But I know theyre just ghosting me
Man: We should go out for a coffee sometime?Woman: How about 10 tomorrow?
Man: No, that's too many.
I used to think rich people owned Bose music systems and the rest of us had Sony products
turns out those are just stereotypes.
Went to the doctor about my obsessive bragging and he gave me an anti-boasting cream ......
......I can't wait to rub it in.
I bought my friend an elephant for his roomI bought my friend an elephant for his room.
He said, "Thanks!"
I said, "Don't mention it."
Killer Whales eating rich people from sinking yachts may look opportunistic...
But it's actually very well orchestrated.
My son came to me and asked, dad can you explain to me what is a solar eclipse.
Then I responded to him, no son.
Who can guzzle 5 gallons of gas?
Gerry Can!
What is a skeletons favorite musical instrument?
A trom Bone!
My friend Steve is afraid to fly as he thinks people will laugh at how ugly his luggage is
I told him he shouldn't worry about the worst case scenario
Magician: And for my next trick, I will disappear!Magician: *holds pear*
Youre the worst fruit ever!
Im tired of people putting flyers on my car.
I dont want to see this new band called Parking Violation and Ive never heard of the venue the courthouse!!!
Alcohol.Scientists have finished a study on how alcohol can affect a persons ability to walk.
The results are staggering.
Im afraid for the calendar
It's days are numbered
I have been informed that drinking too much alcoholic beverages can make you gay.
Apparently when we are drunk, we don't think straight.
Senior CitizensMy wife and I went into town to shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He just ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an "butthead." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So my wife called him a "jerk." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we offended him, the more tickets he wrote. He finally finished, sneered at us and walked away. Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's so important at our age!!
I have a crippling fear of elevators...
so I am taking steps to address that.
I just opened a new grocery store that only sells Cheerios, Onion Rings, Swiss Cheese and Donuts
It's called Hole Foods
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
Which day of the week is the crappiest?
Sa-Turd-ay