Ive decided to marry a pencil.
I cant wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
Two inert gases walk into a bar...
Nobody reacts
Don't know if this is a scam but I just received a text saying I'd won $250 cash or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute night.
It says press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One of them is pretty heavy, the other is a little lighter
My siblings and I went out to dinner with my dad
and we started talking about dad jokes we liked. All of a sudden my dad goes "I've only made 3 dad jokes my entire life and they're all sitting in front of me right now
I had to stop giving ducks belly rubs.
It just made me feel down.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
What kind of car does a sheep like to drive?
A Lamb-orghini
I was in a wine shop this evening, I bought a nice Merlot. The cashier asked me if I wanted it in a bagI said no thanks, just leave it in the bottle
silence
My nickname at school was Scarface.
I was really good at knitting.
Dad got fired from the Transportation Department for stealing
I didnt want to believe it, but when I went to visit, the signs were all there. . . (Sorry).
My buddy's daughter dadjoked him. They were having breakfast,
...his daughter said: "dad you snore a lot, you know there's an app for that right?" him: "oh really? what's it called?" her: "app-nea".
What do you call a Roman with a cold?
Julius Sneezer
I stepped off the plane after my flightI looked up at the sky and asked my phone surely its not going to rain??
My phone responded. Yes it is and dont call me Shirley. !
Thats when I realized my phone was still on airplane mode !!
Courtesy of Joe Bob Briggs
I have this fetish for large light switches.
They're such big turn ons.
It's stressful working at the Dracula Factory, making those little Dracula figurines. There are only two of us working there.
So I have to make every second Count.
What do fungi need, to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Why are jellyfish lonely?
Because there are no peanut butter fish
A duck walks into a drugstore to buy some lipstick
The cashier asks if payment will be by cash or credit. The duck replies just put it on my bill
Why is a koala bear not really considered a bear?
It doesn't have the right koala-fications
What is the most popular band right now?
Flu Fighters
Our goth flatmate doesn't help with any of the chores or pay rent on time
They are so eerie-sponsible.
When does a regular joke become a "dad joke"?When the punchline becomes apparent.
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Hey dads (and the wannabe ones, too)!
Im putting together a collection of jokes to cheer up some folks who are currently dragging their slippers through the mud of job hunting. Im looking for your best, organic, "real life" dad jokes about work, interviews, resumes, or getting fired - anything related to the nightmare called work.
No AI-generated stuff, pleaaaase - I need the classics that make your kids roll their eyes and their friends make fun of them.
Really appreciate it! I'll compile the best ones and share the list back here for everyone to use.
What do you call your dad when he is really cold?
POP-sicle
Why are Democrats anti-greenland?
Because its covered in ice.