A guy was bragging to a co-worker about how hot his wife was...
He was going on and on about how incredibly beautiful she looked and that anyone else would be lucky to land a woman as gorgeous as his wife. Finally, the co-worker manages to get a word in: "Oh, yeah? If you think your wife is hot, then you should see my wife." "Why's that? Is she a stunner, too?" "No, she's an optometrist."

What is a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear Sir/Ma'am,

We are cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons:

Illegal Downloading

Why haven't aliens visited our solar system?
They looked at the reviews and saw it only had 1 star.

My 8 year old told me this: what do trees really like to drink?
Root beer. I'm proud of him.

What do you call a person who doesnt have a body or a nose?
Nobody knows .

So many people these days are too judgmental.
I can tell just by looking at them.

Who is between N and Q?
Me

My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water"
I know he means well...

Why werent the pants allowed in school?
Because they were suspended.

My teachers said a group of tigers is called an Ambush and not a Pride.
They werent lion.

My coworker thought he was a lightbulb, so my boss sent him home.
I also went home, I can't work in the dark.

(Reposting because I made a typo in the original.)

Two blondes talking. One says "I just took a pregnancy test"
The other replies "Were the questions hard"

I just realized I have a superpower.
I can melt ice cubes just by staring at them.

It takes a while though.

Somebody left an unlabeled box of random parts from IKEA at my door, with no instructions.
Im not quite sure what to make of it.

Someone told me that the moon landing was staged, and I agreed 100%
I said "because that's how all orbital rocket work dude!"

I asked the librarian if they had books on paranoia.
She whispered, Theyre right behind you."

Al Gore should have started a smooth jazz band.
Could have called it "Al Gore Rhythms"

My friend in Quebec is a heavy drinker
In fact he drank Canada Dry

If February 29th is Leap Day, what is February 28th?
Look Day.

A cappuccino made with alpaca milk?
Al Pacino

Which group of animals have the sweetest asses?
Its mole-asses.

What did the electrician's wife say when her husband came home late from work?
Wire you insulate

Zelda is feeling very gassy.
Now shes the wind waker.

I got injured at a Chinese resturaunt.
They told me to just wok it off.

What is the technical term for a rabbit with fleas?
Bugs Bunny.