This just happened in real life, and I got MANY chuckles.
At Costco with the wife and kid. Kid sees a sample booth and asks what theyre offering...

Me: its a hot dog!

Wife: its a European wiener

Me: youre a peeing weiner

I turn to the man offering the sample and say get it?!?

Nothing

Wife loses it, people next to me lose it, kid loses it and wont stop repeating it. Good times had by all, cept maybe for the sample guy.

I was telling my buddies I was having a bad day.
My friend said plethora.

Thanks, I said, that means a lot.

*

My other friend said earth.

Thanks, I said, that means the world to me.

*

My other friend said bargain.

Thanks, I said, that means a great deal.

Tears were streaming down my face and I couldnt get them to stop. So I ran to a nearby military base. Are there any Marines here?? No. Army? Nope. A Navy SEAL? Sorry. What about an Air Force pilot? Finally, the administrator looked at me and said, Sir what is this about?
I said, Sorry I just need a soldier to cry on.

My son asked for a hershey's kiss
I said no, kissed him on the forehead, and said it was a he his kiss instead.

Proud moment with dessert
My girlfriend from the kitchen as she was preparing dessert: "We have custard. Do you want to pour the custard on yourself?"

"No, please pour it on the plate."

The ugh's in response were amazing.

My wife asked me to be less irritating...
So I shaved my face.

Lava cake
We went out for dinner this evening and my son ordered a lava cake for dessert. When he took a scoop out of it his girlfriend asked if it was runny.

Before he could answer I told her: "no, it's just sitting on his plate"

Everyone chuckled, I'm so proud of myself :P

What type of flower makes the most mistakes?
Whoopsie Daisy

I havent been allowed back on a cruise ship
Ever since that whole poop deck misunderstanding

I got fired from my last job because I kept asking customers if they preferred " smoking or non smoking....
The mortuary director said the proper terms wete "creamation" or " burial".

What do Trees wear to go swimming?
Trunks

My friend Monty
My friend Montgomery loves Crisco. He thinks it's the best stuff to cook with. He buys cartons of it. Every month he takes inventory. It's the count of Monty's crisco.

[Meta] Please help this cafe with more bad coffee jokes
Our local coffee shop is celebrating its one year anniversary, and we have noticed that the sandwich board they put outside has the same joke on it for the past year. Q: what do you call a cow that has just given birth? A: decaffeinated

Its a good joke. But its been a year. Im calling upon all of you dads out there for help: I want to cultivate a list of new coffee related jokes that they can add to their sandwich board. I know the owner. I bet shed be tickled.

So you have your call action! I look forward to seeing what this might produce. Thank you in advance!

My wife said, Lets go up to the salad bar.
I replied, Lettuce

This just happened in real life, and I got not even a chuckle.
True story: the wife and I were walking in Target this evening. We were walking in the clothing section, behind an employee who was moving a mannequin. Out of nowhere the whole arm pops off, and the poor woman cant bend to pick it up because ya know shes holding the rest of the mannequin. So I walk up, grab the limb while shes looking around for another employee to help, hold it out to her and say

Here, let me give you a hand

She took it. No laughter. My wife? Nothing. So I am posting here in the hopes that my genius will be appreciated. Keep getting those dad jokes in the wild, folks.

I dreamed I was floating in an ocean of orange soda pop
It was a fanta sea.

I just had a vasectomy done.
The areas still quite sore and I have to walk gingerly, but apart from that, theres not a vas deferens.

Feral cats often give birth in dumpsters
because they don't want to litter

What do you call a music instrument that pee's?
Piano.

and one that poo's? Poopano.

The birds & the birds
This happened in real life and I swear Ill never be funnier than this:

Riding somewhere with my (very progressive) mother, the topic of bromance comes up, and its all joking around. Then my mom says, Thats like two guys getting way too close, its justunnatural.

Me: Well Mom, sometimes two men love each other the way men and women do. They call it the birds and the birds.

Mom: Well of course I know that, I have no problem with

Me: Because they both have peckers.

Elect cheese...
For the gouda the people

They say humans eat more bananas than monkeys
Which makes sense.. Ive never eaten a monkey

It takes me 5 minutes to walk from my home to the bar, but 20 minutes to walk from the bar back to my home.
The difference is staggering.

I wasn't sure if I was getting the hang of at my job at the cheese & gravy factory
But then I fell into a poutine.

What do they use to measure the floor area of a shoe store?
Square Feet.