My wife really wanted to color her hair on top of Mount Everest. After I begged her not to try such a dangerous stunt, she finally relented.
I guess she wasnt willing to dye on that hill.

I told my daughter she should name her salamander Axe
She asked why.

I explained, so I could ask if she likes Axe a little, or Axe a lotl

I saw a man being beat up by three dudes and I jumped in to help...
He didn't stand a chance against the four of us

My daughter couldn't wait to meet my sister.
The aunticipation was killing her.

What do you call a group of judgemental lions?
Pride and Prejudice.

What do you call a guy helping children to have good naps?
Kidnapper

Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Cause 7 is a registered 6 offender.

As the lion and the bear kept attacking me, I tried to decide which one to defend against...
...but I was torn.

My spine got an infection
Bacteria

I just won an award for most secretive person in the office
I can't tell you how much that means to me

What do you call a dinosaur that plays video games?
A Sega-Saurus

What's a politician's favorite particle?
Electron

How does a Octopus go to war?
Well armed!!

Some guy asked if I wanted to pet his cocker spaniel yesterday and Im feeling weird about the whole thing now
I shouldve chosen the spaniel

After months of getting in trouble, the principal suggested I take my kid to a child psychiatrist. But I flat out refused..
I dont think children should be psychiatrists.

The only thing flat-earthers have to fear...
Is sphere itself

My wife left me because I have a dad bod...
I will hide my freezer better next time.

I put laxatives in my alphabet soup...
I call it letter rip

Why did the duck get arrested?
Because he was selling QUACK!

Was waiting at a stop light and a kid about 11 or 12 had a sign that said SAVING $500 FOR GAMING LAPTOP. I TELL JOKES. I gave him a buck.

There was an explosion at a French cheese factory...
De brie was everywhere.

I havent seen my twin brother since I left Australia.
We were separated at Perth.

Church fund raiser
A small church was raising funds for a new piano. On Sunday the pastor said, Whoever gives the most money today for the offering can pick out 3 hymns.

So they passed the basket around and the pastor saw a $100 bill in there.

He said Looks like we have a winner! Whoever gave the $100 bill can come to the front & select 3 hymns.

An 80-year old woman got up, walked to the front, & pointing her finger at the congregation, said, Ill take him, him, and him!

I might have to start going back to church.

If anyone gets a message from me about canned meat, don't open it
It's Spam.

Where do deep sea explorers go to have lunch?
Scuba diners.