When my wife is sad, I let her colour in my tattoos..
Turns out she just needed a shoulder to crayon.

My friend asked "what's your idea of a perfect date?"
I said YYYY-MM-DD because it is the ISO standard and computers will sort these correctly.

I went to the library and asked them if they had any books on the Titanic;
The lady said Yes, we have quite a few.

I said Thats a shame, the saltwater will have ruined them by now.

Why don't oysters donate to the church?
Because they are shellfish, and they like to keep things nice and tight!

How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?
One, or two?

How do you get postage from the Gestapo?
You scramble their letters.

A ham sandwich goes into a bar...
A ham sandwich goes into a bar... The Bartender says, " We don't serve food in here!"

The cast of Friends once got stranded on a life raft in the middle of the ocean. No one knew how to get back to shore, except for the actress that played Pheobe
Lisa Kudrow

I just accepted a new job in Seoul.
I think it's a good Korea move.

Two guys are walking down the street and come upon a dog licking his balls. One guy says to the other, "I wish I could do that"
The other guy replies, "I'd pet him first"

I'm a nurse and mentioned we were constantly running out of saltines at work.
Without missing a beat, my son replied, "so, you're cracker lackin'?" XD True story from about 10 years ago, but it was a proud dad day! *Edit for spelling

What is Buzz Aldrin say about being the second man on the moon?
Neil before me.

What's the worst part about having a girlfriend on Valentines day?
She spends the day with her husband

Our lake has many docks, made of wood. Wood floats, so how do they stay in place?
Pier pressure!

I was going kayaking with my friend on our vacation, and when we got to the rental place, he handed me two paddles and asked, "Which one do you want?"
And I said "I'll take either oar."

What kinda computer is good at singing?
A dell :)

Tell strangers this joke about the Titanic.
It'll break the ice.

Do you know what a reverse exorcism is?
It's when the devil tells the priest to get out of the boy

why did the mexican take anti-anxiety medications
for hispanic attacks

What do you call a dog in a submarine?
A subwoofer

A drug dealer sold me some shoes today.
I dont know what he laced them with but I was tripping all day!

I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage.
I lost my case.

I used to work in a Russian napkin factory.
I was in the "Serviette Union."

I asked a German girl for her number, but Im still waiting for the rest of the digits
So far, I only have nine

A man walks in to a bar
Ouch!