Who does beyonc call if she needs her roof repaired ?
All the shingle ladies

Why are there no Latinos in Lord of the Rings?
Because Juan does not simply walk into Mordor.

Driving home depressed I saw a sign that said..Need help, Call Jesus 1-800-302-2756, so out of curiosity I did
A Mexican showed up in a tow truck

I farted, but tried to convince my wife it was her.
She said it was called gas lighting

What Pasta makes someone answer the door?
Gnocci

A guy walks into a bar with his ears bandaged up.
"What happened to your ears?" asks the bartender.

"I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron."

"But that only explains one ear. What about the other ear?"

"I had to use that ear to call the doctor."

I walked into the psych ward today to check myself in. The nurse handed me a form with a space for my name and I wrote down Alexander Hamilton & Aaron Burr
She immediately said, Oh, I see. Duel personality.

I met a pregnant auctioneer.
"How far going going gone are you?" I asked her.

I asked my Mum if I was ugly.
She snapped back and said, I told you not to call me Mom in front of people.

I cant come up with any good palindromes.
Dammit Im Mad

Did yall know New York is the opposite of Minnesota?
New York is where the big apple is, and Minnesota is where Minneapolis

The man asked me which card I wanted to get rid off.
"Discard", I said.

What do you call a prison phone?
A cell phone!

What is the limit
We have a dachshund, Duke, velcroed to me, sleeps with me. But I caught a pink eye from I believe his dander itch-rubbed in. Turned very bad I had to go to urgent care.

Awhile ago, I shooed Duke from my side on the recliner and asked my wife to take him. She eyed me reproachfully so I said deadpan "I love Duke, but sty is the limit." She rewarded me the so rare mix of smile, "nice one", and nod of approval.

Did anyone hear about the company that makes yardsticks?
The won't be making them any longer!

How many optometrists does it take to screw a lightbulb?
Is it one? Or two?

How do you treat a shoplifter with a bellyache
Kleptobismol

Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs!

Looking at the menu and I told my wife I was going to get something easy. She said, "Chicken strips for $6?"
A chicken making some money on the side won't help my hunger.

I can cut a wood in half just by looking at it...
I saw it with my own eyes

Asked my wife if I was fat
She said it took attention away from my face.

If people on keto are in ketosis
then people taking ozempic must be in osmosis!

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day
but I couldnt find any.

Why don't Bald Eagles tell knock-knock jokes?..... Because Freedom Rings
I'll fly myself out.....

My friend thinks hes an AI living in a simulation, so I asked him if he wanted to go for a walk.
He said, "I cant. I don't have the drive."