Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a man in a trench coat came up and flashed them One old lady immediately had a stroke.
The other couldn't quite reach.
I got asked out by five girls today!
I was definitely in the wrong bathroom.
A guy goes to prison, and on his first day he's sitting in the cafeteria, and someone yells "number 54" and the whole room erupts into laughter.The next day he's eating again, someone else yells out "number 71" and again the room fills with laughter.
He turns to the guy next to him and asks "what's the deal with the numbers?"
Guy next to him responds "well most of us have been here so long, we hear the same jokes over and over and over again. So we numbered them, to save us time."
So the new guy decides to give it a try he stands up and yells "number 25" and there is dead silence. He turns to the guy next to him and asks "what's the deal, why did no one laugh"
He responds "some guys just don't know how to tell a joke".
At the end of dinner, I asked my date if shed mind bringing the wine and dessert to our llama picnic this weekend. She said, I dont know what that is but sure.
Smiling, I took her hand and said, Alpaca lunch.
Called the Wildlife Hotline.
Was told to push 3 for Bird life, push 4 for Fish life, or hold on for Deer life.
Excuse me, where is the gender neutral restroom?
Thanks, I really need to take a she/it
Not saying I'm old,
but I was born before chickens had fingers.
I took my kids on a trip in a camper van and all they kept asking was..
RV there yet?
I went to a tropical islandz thinking I could find a resort there. Unfortunately, the island is run by cannibals.
Now they won't stop roasting me for my mistake. I am absolutely cooked.
An elderly man was having difficulty hearing in one ear
At the emergency room, a Dr. looked into his ear, reached for forceps, and pulled a blob out of the man's ear. " Do you know what this is?" the Dr. asked the man.." No" said the man. " It's a suppository. What is a suppository doing in your ear?" said the Dr. The man replied. " Never mind that, help me get my hearing aid back!"
My wife asked me if I could clear the dining room table before dinner
It took me 3 attempts and a substantial run up, but I fucking nailed it
Did you know? If you can balance a grain of salt on the edge of an extremely sharp knife....
It's a salt with a deadly weapon.
The Tour de France is under way with all these really expensive bikes, do you know what they do with the bikes when the Tour is finished?
They Recycle them!
Why did the phone need glasses?Because she lost all her contacts
Found on a laffy taffy I ordered from US
I was gonna tell a railroad joke
But I lost my train of thought.
I loved all the fireworks last night!
They were the high light of the evening!
I gave my friend a broken drum for his birthday.
Nobody can beat that.
What beverage do you drink for the Fourth of July?
Liberty (Liber Tea)
You can take my fireworks when you pry them from my cold, dead handsWhich are over there on the sidewalk.
What state was Abraham Lincoln born in?
Naked and screaming just like the rest of us.
What kind of bees produce milk?
Boobees
What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow?
Blue Cheese!