I was heartbroken when my wife told me that my five-year-old was not my son.
Then she told me to pay more attention at kindergarten pickup.
Its been 3 years since I started training for the ejaculation distance championships
Since then Ive come a long way.
I almost decided to start worshipping paper bags
But decided that would be sack religious.
I dont understand why people dislike vegans so much
Ive never had beef with them.
Bruce Lee was fast, but did you know that he had a brother that was even faster?
His name was Sudden Lee.
Someone broke into our house last night and stole a dozen eggs.They also left a pan of boiling water on the stove.
Police believe it was poachers.
My friend tony told me not to say his name backwards
I said "y not?"
I once had a teacher who either would teach, or he would not.
He was full of taughtologies.
A farmer has successfully grown a field of vibrators.
Unfortunately, he now has a problem with squatters.
Where do gay coffee beans go to find an online hookup?
grinder
My old roommate JoeI was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped, and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now I don't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let's say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.
Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those big cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend.
Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together, leaving me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.
In conclusion, if it hadn't been for Joe with his cotton eye, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?
I almost made a post here about margarine
But then I realized I could do butter
Ive been trying to come up with a jokes about unemployment
But none of them are working.
What do you call a woman made of bread
A baguette
I was looking forward to watching the World Origami Championship
Apparently, its only on Paper View
I could never be vegan.
For me, it'd be a huge "missed steak."
Cars.
I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars.
But I just learned they won't support windows.
I like to fornicate expensive words into my sentences
Even if I don't know what they mean
Apparently, Northern Ireland has a completely different version of Beauty and the Beast. In most places, the princess is too slow to escape.
But over there, Belle fast.
What is the problem with cross-eyed teachers?
They can't control their pupils.
The concert was so extremely loud, it hurt to stay, but it was his favorite band
A true life or deaf situation
I'm so old
I went into an antique store, and they wouldn't let me leave
What did the monkey say after his chicken got stolen?
Macaque!
I got a monitor from amazon
It bit me when i tried to install it
Just wanted to let yall know I have a pet termite.
I named him Clint.
Clint Eatswood