My boss asked me: why I am sick on week days only?
I said it must be my weekend immune system

I immediately woke up my puppy when he started mumbling in his dream about the earth being flat.
I dont let sleeping dogs lie.

To who ever stole my anti-depressants.
I hope you are happy now

Just once I'd like someone to call me Sir without the added
"You're causing a scene. We're going to have to ask you to leave."

happy father's day!
one of my friends told me years ago that his daughter came up to him and said, DADDY! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!

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he said thank you and she should let her mommy know that too. so she went to her mommy and said, MOMMY! I LOVE DADDY SO MUCH!

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happy father's day, all!

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My paper plane wont fly
Its completely stationary

This dadjoke subreddit is really important
My humor goes father here

Ps. Happy Fathers Day!

I used to look up to my dad
But then I got taller!

What is the fastest male fruit?
Mango

The woman who fell from a cruise ship has been named
Eileen Dover

Cottage Cheese isnt really cheese
Its just a curd to me.

Yeah. I've had a colonoscopy. I guess you could say I had a...
CAMERON DIAZ

I thought I knew my rights and lefts, 'til someone changed my view with the 'L' trick...
He was undeniably left. I was so embarrassed I went up and right left then and there.

My Boss suggested I sign up for a 401k
No way I am running that far

Somebody keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.

Bruce Lee had a brother no one liked
Brocco

My dad asked for something groundbreaking for Father's Day...
So I got him a shovel.

You know why you can never hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because the pee is silent.

What do salamander lumberjacks do?
Well, they axolotl trees

I accidentally drank my laxatives with holy water.
I'm about to start a religious movement.

My wife thinks it's weird that I stare at the window during a heavy rainstorm.
It would be a lot less weird if she'd just let me in.

My in-laws stopped over for the weekend. My Father-in-law forgot to pack deodorant, so my wife offers the choice of a deodorant and an antiperspirant, and asks "which one would you like?".. he looks, pauses, and replies " ummm"
I chimed in... "give him a minute, he's stinking about it!"

(Of course nobody except my father in law chuckled. :)

Do you know what happens when you eat aluminum foil?
You sheet metal.

The other day a grandfather clock fell over and landed on my fingers
I had too much time on my hands

If life opens a door and it shuts
Open the door again, thats how a door works