Credit: my 24-yo daughter
When asked if you want any leftovers:No thanks, Im trying to quit cold turkey
Did you ever notice you never get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it because all the coats are on the bed.
Whats the day after thanksgiving? Yourwelcomegiving
What do Canadians eat for Thanksgiving? Turkeh
I started carrying around a stone to throw at people who sing Christmas songs before thanksgiving. Its my Jingle Bell Rock
Ive always wanted to replace the Thanksgiving turkey with a different kind of bird. But honestly, I always chicken out.
While I was picking out a turkey at the supermarket a woman asked me if these turkeys get any bigger. I had to let her down easy and tell her No mam, they are dead
Why did the police arrest the Turkey? They suspected foul play.
Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasnt a chicken.
Why kind of cars would the pilgrims drive today? A Plymouth
Why kind of key wont open anything? A Turkey
My kids told me my turkey was too dry. Im so tired of these baste-less accusations.
Did you hear about the two turkeys who got into a fight? They beat the stuffing out of each other.
My work friend told me hes smoking a turkey for Thanksgiving. I told him it would probably go better if he just eats it.
My kids told me they want a pony for Thanksgiving. I normally cook turkey but whatever makes them happy.
As soon as they landed, they hit a local shop and stocked up on the wildest tourist gear they could find think neon shirts, loud floral shorts, flip-flops, oversized sunglasses, and straw hats. They looked like walking postcards.
The next morning, they strolled down to the beach, drinks in hand, soaking up the sun and enjoying the freedom of anonymity.
Thats when a gorgeous blonde in a tiny bikini walked by, gave them a sweet smile, and said, Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father. She nodded at each of them and kept walking, calm as can be.
The priests stared at each other, stunned. How did she know?!
Determined to be unrecognizable, they doubled down. The next day, they returned to the store and bought even wilder outfits mismatched patterns, tourist hats with dangling beads, socks with sandals the works.
Feeling completely undercover, they headed back to the beach, confident no one would suspect a thing.
Right on cue, the same blonde appeared this time in an even skimpier bikini. She walked right up, smiled again, and said, Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father.
One of the priests jumped up. Alright, young lady we give up. Yes, were priests. But how on earth did you know?
She laughed, leaned in, and said, Oh, come on, Father its me Sister Angela!
Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.
All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a cheque for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building. "I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word, and deposited the cheque.
The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with, "But compared to his brother, he was a saint."