Luke Skywalker never dreamed hed get to meet the Emperor.
So when it finally happened, he was shocked.

At dinner, I asked my date if she had any hobbies. She said, "I like drilling holes."
I looked at her and said, "Well, that's boring."

I asked my husband to make the bed and he just stared at me.
what?
Him: Make the bed do what?

A talking fish
A chap is fishing and hooks a salmon, he reels it in and is just going to kill it for his dinner when the salmon looks at him and says
"Hey mate, don't kill me, I'm only a baby, I haven't swum the 7 seas yet, give me a chance pal"

The man looks at the salmon "Hey, you can talk"? "Course I can, go on put me back, there's much bigger fish under the bridge". "All right", says the man, "I'll put you back, what's your name? "Rusty" says the salmon, "And yours?" "My name's Dave"

He puts the fish back in the water & resolves to say nothing to anyone, for fear that he'll become a laughing stock.

10 years later he's fishing in the same spot & he hooks a monster. It takes him 2 hours to land it. He looks at it & pictures it on his dinner plate. Just then the salmon opens one eye & looks at him "Dave, is that you"?

"Rusty, I don't believe it, it must be 10 years since I let you go, what have you been doing"?

"Well Dave, I've had a fantastic time, I've swum the 7 seas & all the oceans. In fact, I've just come across the Atlantic, but I was really disturbed".

"Why's that Rusty"?

"Well, I was half way across & a voice told me to swim deeper, so I did, deeper & deeper & I found this huge shipwreck. I counted 4 funnels, it felt like death so I had to leave".

"Wow Rusty, that was the Titanic it sank & almost all on board were drowned."

"Ah, I knew it, in fact, I was so upset I had to sit down & write a poem about it" said Rusty.

"A poem, don't talk daft, you're just a fish, how can you write a poem, that's rubbish."

"No Dave, really, it's available in all bookshops now."

"Ok" says Dave, "so what's it called then?"

"Salmon Rustys Titanic Verses.

What did the Air Conditioner say when it hit the dance floor ?
We condense if you want to
We can leave your friends behind

My wife saw an ant picking up a leaf 5 times its body weight and told me, Can you imagine being that strong?
So I picked up the leaf and said, Yes.

How do cats welcome a new sofa?
With a round of a-claws

My 8 year old and I workshopped the punchline today

Apparently, that doesnt work both ways
My wife was upset with me this morning, so I showed her my boobs

Apparently, that doesnt work both ways

Three Jewish men are talking
Three Jewish men are talking when the first one says,

"You know, guys, it's so odd. My son went to Jerusalem to learn more about his faith, and I'll be damned if he didn't come back Christian." The second man says,

"Yeah, the same thing happened to my son." The third says

"Same guys. I think we should go talk to the Rabbi about it." They go, and the Rabbi just says, "I dunno, guys, I think you should just ask God." So they pray.

"God, we don't understand. Our sons went to Jerusalem to learn about their faith and came back Christian." God says,

"Huh, same thing happened to my son."

My neighbor has started dating a woman that works at McDonalds.
My neighbor has started dating a woman that works at McDonalds. He likes to tease her about her name being Patty. Then he found out that all she does is complain and hold grudges at work. So now he calls her all beef Patty.

The phrase "hold your horses" is essentially the same as...
"Be stable."

At dinner, my date got defensive when I told her my newest hobby was learning to read Braille. But that didnt surprise me
Its a touchy subject.

Whats one sentence you can use in both the kitchen and the bedroom?
I didnt see that cumin

Why cant you give Elsa a balloon?
Because she will let it go

If two wooden planks are introduced to each other
is that a board meeting?

For a long time, I have wanted to tell a good pizza joke
But its just too cheesy.

I wanted to be a doctor
But I didnt have the patients.

A drunk shows off his new apartment
After closing time at the bar, a drunk proudly invited a couple of his friends back to see his new apartment.

He led them into his bedroom, where a large brass gong and a wooden mallet stood in the corner.

One of his friends pointed at it and asked,

What's with the big brass gong?

That's not a gong, the drunk replied proudly. It's a talking clock.

A talking clock? his friend asked. Seriously?

Yep.

How does it work?

Watch.

The drunk grabbed the mallet, swung it with all his might, and hit the brass gong with an ear-shattering BONG!

The three of them stood there in silence for a few seconds.

Then, from the other side of the wall, a furious voice yelled,

You idiot! It's 3:15 in the morning!

Im afraid for the calendar.
Its days are numbered.

I saw a report on TV about someone stealing people's stamps and envelopes.
They said the suspect is believed to be mail.

I recently lost.my job as an origami instructor...
The business folded up.

Have you lost weight recently?
Because it looks like you found it again.

My son asked if we could visit a city in eastern Czechia this coming winter
I responded: Brrr, no

A man was kidnapped by the cheese devil
Gouda hell?!

What do you call a pirate's coming of age party?
A quinceanYARRRa