This morning I saw 2 big black birds stuck together in the backyard,
Turns out they were Velcrows.

A genie granted me one wish, so I wished to be happy.
Now I live with six dwarves and work in a mine.

What do you call a baby Axolotl?
It's called an Axolitl

An old couple are vacationing in Madrid.
While checking into their hotel the old man has a heart attack and falls to the floor. The desk clerk leaps over the counter shouting, "Don't worry, I'm a Doctor!" She wips out a set of Diffibulator paddles out of her shinny black bag, zaps the old man and saves his life. The man and woman are stunned. The Old lady says, "I never would have thought you were a Doctor!" Don't worry states the desk clerk, "Nobody expects the Spanish Inn Physician!"

I was drinking a margarita and the waitress yelled does anyone know CPR?
I said I know the entire alphabet. We all laughed and laughed well except one guy.

A Weasel goes into a bar ..
The bartender says, "Well I'll be darned, a real live actual Weasel in my bar! I've never served a Weasel before!! What'll you be having?"

"Pop!' goes the Weasel...

Someone cut a hole in the wall of the ladies room...
The Police are looking into it!

What did Curly say to his sunburned pal?
Remember the aloe, Moe.

Whats the best thing about Switzerland?
I dont know, but the flag is a big plus.

My wife asked me to put the baby down
I said Your eyes are too close together, you are too fat and you are a terrible burden on your poor parents.

Sunday Morning
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque.

The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."

"Good morning Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque.

"Pastor, what is this?"

The pastor said, "Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible asked, "Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?

Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in your jeans.

I got a job at the Zoo circumsizing elephants.
It doesn't pay much, but the tips are huge!

A mortician married a herpetologist.
They have matching mugs labeled "hiss" and "hearse"

Whats a burritos favorite genre of music?
Wrap music

What do u call a bee that can't make up his mind?
A Maybe

Midwives are very nice people.
They always help people out.

I used to hate mushrooms, but eventually they started to grow on me.
So I went to the doctor and got a prescription for antifungal medication.

If two vegans get in an argument,
is it still considered a beef?

I have a friend who was a priest, and became a lawyer
He's a father in law.

How do cows do math?
They use a cowculator.

Which religion do seismologists follow?
Theyre Quakers

What do you call a cat that falls from heaven?
Lucy Fur

What happened after the man ate gun powder?
He had explosive diarrhea.