Why should you say break a leg to wish someone luck when theyre auditioning for a play?
Because you want them to end up in the cast.

I'll never forget what my grandad said to me before he croaked.
He said "hey kid, wanna hear my frog impression?"

I entered a lottery to win an entire shopping center, but I failed.
I guess you can't win a mall.

What do you call a Chinese amputee
TaiWanShu

I just got hired at a parsley farm.
Its pretty easy work but the downside is that they started garnishing my wages.

I refuse to see any doctor named William.
Im not looking to deal with medical Bills.

What do you call a dog on a submarine?
A subwoofer

Dad jokes in space!
On the last day of the Artemis II Mission, mission specialist Christina Koch wanted milk in her coffee, to which Commander Reid Wiseman said You cant use milk. In space, no one can; here use cream.

(Cant confirm if Commander Wiseman actually said this, but apparently this was overhead. I know a transmission from yesterday morning for splashed down.)

What did Harry Potter say when he filled up his gas tank?
Expensive Petroleum

Dad jokes
Im a gay dad and uncle. My partner came with a kid and nieces/nephews. Tonight my niece (4) told me after dinner that All my Barbies died.

Without missing a beat I asked her Should we notify her Next of Ken and I actually made myself laugh, then told everyone that would listen in the house, including her in order brother (12), and then the internet.

Its not an original joke, but by God was I proud of such a milestone. Time to strap on the New Balances and start mowing.

My ex-wife once shouted at me, "You're boring! You're really boring!"
So I put the drill down and said, "I know that!".

I saw a pitcher being mistreated today.
pour thing

One year I bought my mother-in-law a cemetery plot for Christmas
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year

What was Hitlers favorite video game?
Mein Kraft

When our granny died, she said, plethora.
That meant a lot.

50 cents grandma made him a sweater for Christmas. You know what he asked her?
Gee, you knit?

When 50 cent was hungry,
58.

When the ceramic tiles on your backsplash keep falling off, is that ...
... erect tile dysfunction?

Looking back, the houswarming party wasn't the brightest idea...
...for my new igloo.

1.7% of Americans over the age of 30 are married to their 3rd cousin.
Not sure why they didn't figure it out after they married their first two cousins.

What do you call a mediocre airline?
Mid Air

What is invisible and smells like carrots?
Bunny farts!

Job Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in the next five years?
Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.

Whats the difference between a magicians wand and a policemans baton?
A Magicians wand is used for cunning stunts

I tried to make a living selling fish to the public
I couldn't scale fast enough.