When we were cleaning up a project in the garage, I told my son to put the lids back on the baking soda, borax, and bleach. He asked, Why?
I said, I just want to make sure all our bases are covered.

I got thrown out of my local park after arranging the squirrels by height.
They didn't like me critter sizing

Whats the worst vegetable to bring on a boat?
A leek

How many optometrists does it talk to change a lightbulb?
Is it one or two?

One, or two?

What do you call two monkey sharing an Amazon account?
Prime mates

All this talk about misogyny...
how come no one ever talks about massage an elbow?

I spent $400 on a limo but I didn't get a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffeur it.

When you excel
They spreadsheet about you.

What did the judge say to the dentist when he went for an extraction?
I want you to remove the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.

Sylvester Stallone, Jean-Claude Van Damme and Arnold Schwarzenegger are invited to a classical composer themed fancy dress party.
"I'll be Mozart", says Sylvester.

"I'll be Beethoven", says Jean-Claude.

"I'll be Bach", says Arnold.

I think someone stole my bed
I will not rest until I find them

I had to congratulate my shoe-maker friend who has only sold extra-large sizes this year.
That's no small feat.

I had a dream I was swimming in an Ocean of orange soda
Turns out it was just a Fanta Sea

When Ken fires up the grill, all his ladies line up for a good time.
Its a Barbie queue.

Did you hear about the judge who had no thumbs???
Justice Fingers

Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?
He had locomotives.

What did the quarter say when it accidentally bumped into its long-time friend, the nickel?
"What a lovely coin-cidence!"

I took a midnight swim in one of the Great Lakes
​

It was erie

Plumbing company goes under.
Customers say the whole operation just didnt hold water.

If You hold 7 oranges in one hand and 9 oranges in the other, what do you have??
Really big hands

I love going to the Manitoba Winter Fair because of its agricultural events.
Every time I go I Winnipeg.

Teacher: If you had $1 and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?
David: One.

Teacher: You dont know your arithmetic.

David: You dont know my father.

I was never a believer in "you are what you eat" until I had sweet potatoes
I yam now

I once was arrested for identity theft.
I was a different person back then.

Who's bigger, Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger's baby?
Mr. Bigger's baby.... because he's a little bigger.