Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you're alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline ever again!
My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink and no one listened.
He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater.
Why can't blind people eat fish?
Because its see-food...
need cow themed jokes!hiii!!!
I have a whole collection of cow themed jokes but I need more. Any appreciated lol.
for example:
What do you call a cow who's a knight in shining armor? Sir Loin
What do you call a cow with 3 legs? Tri tip
What do you call a cow with 2 legs? lean beef
(1 leg, stake, etc)
etc etc
editing for more that I know
I will admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive..
my girlfriend lives forty miles away
I dont understand why my wife was so mad at me for dating a psychologist.
She was the one who suggested that I start seeing a therapist.
Someone asked an Italian if there were any big islands in Italy
The Italian said "Si, silly!"
What do you call a LGBTQ Indian
Naan-binary
I read in a book that having too much sex can cause memory loss
I read it on page 14 in a the appendix of medical journal on the 12th of March 2023 at 3:20 pm shortly After I returned from shopping for three apples, a quart of ice cream and an innertube patch and on the way back home, I stubbed my toe and saw a dog piss on a hydrant wearing a blue collar and his owner walked with a limp
Someone said if you had a million monkeys typing away, you would eventually get the complete works of Shakespeare.
Facebook has proven that to be false
A Viking lost his boat the other day
Now hes just a hiking.
I don't have a date for my sister's wedding
She won't tell me
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakesI told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.
I have been sitting on that one for a while and finally worked up the courage to test it out at dinner last night. The kids groaned, my wife rolled her eyes so hard I thought she needed medical attention, and my youngest asked me to please stop talking. So naturally I consider it a roaring success.
That is the thing about dad jokes that gets overlooked. The groan IS the applause. The eye roll IS the standing ovation. When everyone at the table collectively sighs and goes back to their food, that is your curtain call. You take a little bow inside your heart and move on, saving the next one for dessert.
I have been collecting these for years. Little verbal traps disguised as sincere statements. The setup sounds almost wise, even thoughtful, and then the punchline just quietly pulls the rug out. No fanfare. Just a slow realization followed by regret from everyone in earshot.
Anyway, I figured this crowd would appreciate it. Drop your best one below. I need fresh material before the weekend barbecue and my family is starting to recognize my whole catalog.
Pigs are the only animals who dont use the restroom before leaving the bar.
They go wee, wee, wee all the way home.
In my book club we're currently reading 1984.
We should probably finish some of them before starting any more.
Whats a soldiers favorite tea?
Camo-mile
A woman attempted to cut off her bf's ding-a-ling... She missed and cut his thigh.
She was charged with a misdaweiner.
The sales guy kept pushing, though Id already said No, many times. So I shouted, Non! Net! Nein!
But he wouldnt take No foreign answer.
My wife says shes worried about the chemicals in playgrounds made from old tires
I responded: "Honey, dont worry. The kids will bounce back."
Im writing a email about air movement under doors and through gaps, not finished it yet,
Its a draught..
Since I've been wheelchair-bound, my wife has been so rude to me.
She keeps pushing me around and talking things behind my back.
Why did the lifeguards keep kicking the elephants out of the pool?
Because they kept dropping their trunks.
When they take out an appendix, it is an appendectomy; when they remove your tonsils, its a tonsillectomy. What is it called when they remove a growth from your head?
A haircut.
A historian claims to have found Shakespeare's chewing pencil!
But the pencil is so chewed that people can't tell if its 2B or not 2B
My local golf course is supposedly haunted.
They say it's possessed by a Bogeyman!