"Doctor! All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!"
Doctor: "Wow! That's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen!"
I was at the hospital and I walked into a surgeons office
Can I help you? He asked.

I keep thinking that Im a moth. I replied.

You probably want a Psychiatrist for that.

Yeah, I know.

He looked confused. Then why are you here?

The light was on.

Farm life
Two older sisters inherit their family farm in rural America.

After a few tough years, money gets tight, and theyre at risk of losing everything.

To save the farm, they decide they need a bull so they can start breeding their own cattle.

The older sister says, Ill take the bus to the livestock auction. You keep the pickup truck ready.

If I find a good bull, Ill send you a message so you can come get me with the trailer.

Off she goes, hoping to find a bargain.

At the auction, she finds the perfect bull.

The seller says, Price is $599take it or leave it.

She counts her money, sighs, and hands it over, leaving herself with just one dollar.

She heads into town and stops at the old telegraph office.

I need to send a message to my sister, she says.

The clerk replies, Sure thing, maam99 cents per word.

She pauses, thinking hard, then smiles.

Alright, she says, send just one word comfortable.

The clerk looks confused and says, How in the world will she know what you mean?

The sister grins and says, Oh, shell figure it out.

Shes not the fastest reader, so shell sound it out nice and slow

com-for-da-bull.

Customer: I asked for medium rare! This is well done!
Chef: Thank you.
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
"If we don't get the right support, people will think we're nuts."
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on its pecks
How do you kill a person that only listens to 80s soft rock?
You cut off their Air Supply
I submitted 10 puns in a contest to see if any would win.
But sadly, no pun in ten did.
An old man walks into a bank and tells the teller, I want to open a damn account.
The teller, shocked, says, Sir, please dont use that language.

The old man repeats, louder this time, I said I want to open a DAMN account!

The manager comes over and asks whats going on.

The teller says, He keeps swearing!

The old man says, I just won 10 million dollars in the lottery and I want to put it in this damn bank!

The manager smiles and says, Oh, I see and is this woman giving you a hard time?

Did you know Greek spacecraft use spinning cooked meat inside a pita bread in order to remain correctly oriented
The device is called a gyro-scope
My brothers wedding
I was the best man at my brothers wedding in Paris. At the reception, I raised my champagne glass and said, Eggs, cinnamon, bread, and maple syrup

It was a French toast.

Why are giraffes considered the snobbiest animal?
Theyre always looking down on everyone
My Dad didn't pay his exorcist
So his house was repossessed
My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography.
I dont believe him, but thats his story and hes sticking to it.
My favorite movie is "Constipation" but...
It hasn't come out yet
An elderly man accidentally rear-ended a brand-new sports car.
​

The young driver jumped out, furious.

"LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO MY CAR! You owe me $10,000 right now, or I'm going to beat you half to death!"

The old man looked shaken.

"Oh my goodness," he said. "I don't have that kind of money. Let me call my son - he trains dolphins. He'll know what to do."

"DOLPHINS?" the guy scoffed, rolling his eyes.

The old man dialed his phone. Before he could say a word, the angry driver grabbed it.

"So you're a dolphin trainer, huh?" he barked into the phone. "Well your old man just wrecked my car. I need ten grand RIGHT NOW - or I'm going to beat BOTH of you to a pulp!"

A calm voice replied, "I'll be there in ten minutes."

Exactly ten minutes later.

...a Jeep screeched to a stop.

A man stepped out, walked straight up to the bully, and absolutely flattened him, leaving him groaning on the pavement.

Then the man turned to his father and said,

"Dad. for the LAST time. I train seals. Navy seals. Not dolphins."

I tried to start a hideandseek club, but it never took off.
Turns out good players are hard to find
Epiphany: cottage cheese is not really cheese at all
Its just a curd to me.
Why do successful companies create people who are able to accurately predict the future?
Because they make prophets!
What are pilots favourite biscuits?
The plain ones.
Frogs
  • A frog went for a DNA test. The results came back 99.9% amphibian and a tad Polish.
  • What does the antisocial, know-it-all frog say? Reddit, Reddit, Reddit.
  • Did you hear about the new frog movie? I hear it's ribbiting.
  • Why are frogs so happy? Because they eat whatever bugs them.
  • Where do frogs go when they get really ill? The hopital.
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My wife said I should stop buying tools I barely use
I told her I use them emotionally.
What size hard drive does a dinosaur buy?
A ptera byte
Where does Cliff keep his airplanes?
In the Cliff Hangar
Origami TV Channel
Paper view