The term "t-shirt" actually stands for something. Tyranosaurus Shirt.
Ya'know, because of the short arms.
I heard that by law you have to turn on your headlights when its raining in Sweden.
How the hell am I suppose to know when its raining in Sweden?
At the thieves convention, there was a standing ovation for the guy who specialized in stealing boat parts.
He took a bow.
Math teacher says: "50 percent of the class have failed the recent test"
Pupil/student from back row replies: "We're not even that many here in class!"
Circle flies #563A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding and the trooper started to lecture the farmer and threw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, but as he was he kept swatting at some flies buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper said, Yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies."
Well, circle flies are common on farms, replied the farmer. Theyre called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper said, "Oh," and went back to writing the ticket. After a minute he stopped and said, "Hey...wait a minute, are you calling me a horse's ass?
Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass, replied the farmer.
The trooper said, "Well, that's a good thing," and went on writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer said, "Cant fool those circle flies, though."
I WAS SKEPTICAL OF MY CHIROPRACTOR
BUT I STAND CORRECTED
I've seen that RAM is getting more expensive.
So I've opted to buy some goats instead.
Why was the student's report card all wet
it was below c level
One for my son this morning. You know goalkeepers wear gloves on their hands? Yeh, sure! Do you know why? Errr, no?
Because if they put them on their feet their boots wouldnt fit
What do you call a watermelon that committed a crime?
Water-Fellon
Why do horses never seem stressed?
They have a stable life.
I shouldn't have went driving today; the roads were very slippery here in Canada.
The ice is the united states is still a lot worse though.
Why can't a T-Rex clap its hands?
Because it's extinct, duh.
I dont mean to brag, but my great grandmother invented the metric system.
Unfortunately, I never got to meter.
A man fell into an upholstery machine,
I hear hes fully recovered by now.
I met a Russian-Canadian the other day. He said his name was...
Vladimir Poutine
When people criticize my affection for Pacific islands, I like to remind them of my favorite proverb.
Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved atoll.
What was name of the guy with no shins?
Tony
I often daydream about swimming in a body of water filled with orange soda
It's a fanta-sea
Western HistoryThe old west really wasn't as lawless and violent as stories and movies might lead you to belive. Sure the town had jails and sheriffs but most of the time there wasn't a lot to do.
On job law enforcement had was rounding up livestock that wandered into town. Mostly these were put into a pen an their owners were contacted to come and take them.
From time to time, animals whose owners could not be identified were rounded up. Since it was usually empty, these animals (mostly cattle) were housed separately in the jail.
The ranchers would be asked to check the jail to try to determine the ownership of those animals.
This exercise in determining who owned what, led the the well known jail nick name of the whos cow.
I just got my covid test back.
It was 50. I also got my IQ test back, it was positive.
Tired of Texas hold em puns?
Cry me a river.
Why couldn't the pregnant fly be killed?
Because the flyswatter broke.
What happens if someone slaps you at a high frequency?
It Hertz.
I was wondering if you remember the joke I told you guys recently about my spine?
It was about a weak back