Dad-Knock knock. Son-Who's there? Dad-Hike. Son- Hike who?
Unsuspecting son

Dad waiting with bated breath

Sets the perfect trap

As I was dropping my son off on his first day of school, he worriedly looked at me and asked, How long do I have to go to school for? Smiling, I responded, Until youre 18 buddy!" He nodded, thought about it for a bit and said...
Dad, you will remember to come and get me when Im 18, wont you?

I always start with a joke about a door handle.
Its a great opener.

What do you call an elephant the circus no longer needs?
Irrelephant

Flight Attendant:" Window or Aisle?"
"Window or you'll what?"

Burger backwards
is Scooby Doo offering to give you a leg massage

"Comfortable?" Asked the waiter
"No sir, I come for food."

At dinner, my frustrated date said, so napping and sitting around are seriously your only hobbies?? You told me that you were interesting!
No, no, I corrected, I said that I was into resting.

Why dont skeletons fight each other?
Because they don't have the guts to do so

I dont mind eating insects.
First time, Ill probably have butterflies in my stomach.

Why is this time of year Arnold Schwarzeneggers favourite?
Because he has to love Easter, baby.

I told my suitcase there will be no vacations this year
Now Im dealing with emotional baggage.

I had an argument with my wife about which personal pronoun is the most useful.
I won.

The Shovel
That moment you realize that the shovel was a ground breaking invention

" Sir your wife is angry because you never buy her flowers."
"I never knew my wife sold flowers??"

Two vikings are in a bar.
One says "I finally got my dream car."

Other viking says "You got the Mustang?"

First Viking says "No, It's a Fjord!"

What kind of bunny comes from the sea, once a year for you and me? Hot hops around all full of cheer, then disappears for another year!
The Oyster Bunny

Scuba stands for self contained underwater breathing apparatus, but did you know tuba is also an acronym?
For terrible underwater breathing apparatus.

Everyone talks about Karl Marx but what about...
Everyone talks about Karl Marx but what about his sister Anya, the inventor of the startup pistol

Why did the mollusk not receive Christmas gifts?
Because Santa put him on the nautilus!

I declare today national Time Signature day
Today is 4/4

Everyone told me I needed a duel income in this economy.
Now Im in jail for slapping people with my gloves.

Once you've been stung eight times, the next one can cause you to develop a tumor.
Thankfully, it's probably bee nine.

Why can chickens only make one sound
they can't think outside the bawks

Did you hear about the depressed fisherman?
He just felt like he had no porpoise.