Why does Tiger Woods wear two condoms?
In case he gets a hole in one
Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar.
Batman follows them in.
To the person who stole my copy of Overcoming Insomnia
How do you sleep at night?
Why did the baby habanero put on a jacket?
It was a little chilli.
Why is Santa so jolly?
He knows where all the naughty girls live.
Who led the Jewish people across a semi permeable membrane?
Os-Moses.
Heard a great Dad joke at DisneylandSon: Are we going to Tomorrowland today?
Dad: No, we are going tomorrow. It's not called Todayland.
What do you call an Asian Dwayne Johnson?
The Wok.
While out for a hike, I was surprised to find a Subaru SUV in the woods
I guess I couldn't see the Forester for the trees
Albert Einstein married his first cousin
Even his marriage was relative
Im about to tell you the 10th and 11th letters of the alphabet.
Jk
What do you call a martial arts discipline developed by giant apes?
Kong fu
An assassin has recorded an album
It is a hit.
What lives underwater, blows up planets but can't hear anything?
A deaf star fish.
Just found out my friend died from heartburn
Can't believe that Gav is gone
Why don't ghosts tell dad jokes?
They're scared the others ghosts will boo them.
[NSFW] What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?
A Dicktater
A lowering birthrate
is a receding heirline.
Some day, Canada is going to take over the world.
Then you'll all be sorry.
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs that has been sitting on the shelf for a while?
Dusty
A man and his wife are discussing difficult life situations.The man says, "I never want to live depending on machines and liquid food. If it ever comes to that, I beg you to just switch everything off."
His wife immediately gets up, turns off the TV, the computer, and his phone, and pours his beer down the sink.
The tower in Pisa was fine,
until the bank put a lean on it.
Spouse got me with this one today
We should be at Costco early enough to try the new brunch at the food court. (Paused so I knew a punchline was coming) It's the same as their regular menu items, but you get a brunch of them.
What is a dogs favorite button on the remote?
Paws
Never lend Columbo your phone
He always cracks the case