A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and crashes it.At his trial, he's found guilty and sentenced to death. For his last meal, he asks for a single banana. The next day, he's strapped to the electric chair. They pull the switch but nothing happens. By law, he walks free. Within a week, he hijacks another train and crashes it. Again, he's sentenced t
death. Again, he asks for a banana.
Again, nothing happens. He's released.
The third time, they refuse his banana request.
"Oh no you don't, you son of a b we know your little banana trick!" They serve steak instead.
The next morning, they strap him in, flip the switch... nothing happens.
"Did you give him the banana?" the guard yells.
"No, sir!"
Turns out, the banana had nothing to do with it.
He was just a really bad conductor.
We were taking a candlelit bubble bath when my wife said, No offense, but this feels awkward. I said, Well I guess I could tell dad jokes. She rolled her eyes and sighed, Ugh, fine.
I turned to my dad and said, OK, so two guys walk into a bar
I tried to make my password "myunderwear"
Then I was informed that passwords must be changed regularly
Why is Mississippi taking so long to count the votes?
Because this is how they count
One Mississippi
Two Mississippi
A man was rushed to the hospital, with the whole left side of his body missing.
He's all right now.
Did you know "The Flintstones" is controversial in the United Arab Emirates?
People in Dubai don't like it, but people in Abu Dhabi DOOOOOO
CoffeeI ordered coffee the other day, and the barrista asked for my name.
I said, " Some people call me the space cowboy.
Some people call me the gangster of love. "
And went and sat down.
A few seconds later.
"Coffee for Maurice."
What do you do if B12 shows up at your door?
You vitamin
Breaking News: A man has been stealing wheels off of police cars.
the Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
What do you call a male cow who sleeps a lot?
A Bulldozer.
What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
If your father could see you now, hed turn over in his gravy!
Why do programmers love dark mode?
Because light attracts bugs!
I got stuck on a mountain somehow.
I need to get to the bottom of this.
Why is it so expensive to send a cat into space?
The price is a cat astral fee!
I mow my grass ten times a week.
It's a decathlawn.
How does Jesus prepare his coffee
Hebrews it.
Whats faster than an escalator?
An escasooner
What do you call a tiger that doesnt like sweets?
A Savor-toothed Tiger
My Theft Remains Undetected.I stole a board game from my sister.
She has no Clue.
Within the next few years, restaurants will start paying their staff a living wage rather than relying on gratuity.
I think were finally reaching a tipping point.
Guy at my work only gives back rubs to other guys
Hes a massagenist.
Sent my girlfriend a photo of my physique and she text back, "Wow that picture is very flattering."
Two minutes later she added: "Sorry I mistyped 'flattening'."
Mike Tyson is SO religious
That he punches people in the faith.
The inventor of the countdown timer has died today.
His funeral will be scheduled in 1 week 5 days 4 hours and 32 seconds.
1 week 5 days 4 hours and 31 seconds.
1 week 5 days 4 hours and 30 seconds.
1 week 5 days 4 hours and 29 seconds.
1 week 5 days 4 hours and 28 seconds.
1 week 5 days 4 hours and 27 seconds.
1 week 5 days 4 hours and 26 seconds.
1 week 5 days 4 hours and 25 seconds.
1 week 5 days 4 hours and 24 seconds.
Why doesn't Mos have feet anymore?
mos quit toes