Why is it so easy to break out of jail in Hershey, Pennsylvania?
Chocolate bars.

Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM...
Onion rings.

Whats the difference between Donald Duck and Donald Trump?
Ones just a duck. And the other ones a lame duck!

I just found a 95 year old painting in my attic.
I told him to leave immediately.

We just agreed to foster two new puppies, and my wife named them Rolex and Omega
They're gonna be watch dogs.

(Of course, we'll have to check them for ... ticks.)

Drank invisible ink by accident this morning.
I'm in the ER waiting to be seen.

The magician lost all his magic.
Now he's just Ian.

What do you call a two dollar chicken?
Buck Buck!

Coffee was voted ...
the #1 drink, but there were some absent Tea ballots.

The other day I spotted an Albino Dalmation
It was the least I could do for it.

I love telling dad jokes but I don't have any children.
Does that make me a faux pa?

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
It's not difficult to roast beef

What's the difference between an Indian & African elephant?
For starters, one's an elephant...

If your child asks you to spell part backwards
Dont its a trap.

I sent flowers to a friend who was opening a new office. They were delivered with a card saying, "Rest in Peace." Incensed, I called the florist to complain, and they replied, "It could be worse. Just think...
Today someone was buried beneath a floral arrangement with a card saying, "Congratulations on your new location."

I take my cow for walks in the local vineyard.
I herd it through the grapevines.

How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One: but the lightbulb has to really want to be changed.

Based on my research, the most insidious bias is confirmation bias.
As I expected.

A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and crashes it.
At his trial, he's found guilty and sentenced to death. For his last meal, he asks for a single banana. The next day, he's strapped to the electric chair. They pull the switch but nothing happens. By law, he walks free. Within a week, he hijacks another train and crashes it. Again, he's sentenced t

death. Again, he asks for a banana.

Again, nothing happens. He's released.

The third time, they refuse his banana request.

"Oh no you don't, you son of a b we know your little banana trick!" They serve steak instead.

The next morning, they strap him in, flip the switch... nothing happens.

"Did you give him the banana?" the guard yells.

"No, sir!"

Turns out, the banana had nothing to do with it.

He was just a really bad conductor.

What college did the Highway Engineer go to?
Tulane

Why Did Willy Wonka Shut Down His Chocolate Factory?
He was short staffed.

There was a very small ant pile
It had tenants

Some of my cows told me that another one of my cows was pregnant. When I asked her about it she asked me how I knew.
I told her I heard it through the bovine

What's a vampires favorite fruit?
Necktarine

Willy Wonka has opened a new semiconductor fab
Hes started producing chocolate chips