What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?
Prime mates

My wife keeps yelling at me for tickling my sons feet
Something about waiting until hes born

My father worked 12 hours every day just to put food on the table.
Amazing man, but slowest cook ever

What do Winnie the Pooh and Alexander the Great have in common?
Their middle names.

Apparently the W fell off the door for the womens restroom.
Its not a good sign.

Had to repost due to spelling correction sabotage.

Ive been stressing about the results of my HIV test
Ive been trying to stay positive though

I had a car accident the other day. The driver was a dwarf. He got out and said he was not happy.
So I said, which one are you then?

A lot of people talk about Spock having unique ears since he's half Vulcan, but not many people know he actually had 3 ears.
His left ear, his right ear, and the final front ear.

Mountains are not funny .
They are hill areas

I know that Argentina plays Messi.
But I didnt realize they played Dirty too.

My friends tell me the salads I make tend to be on the dry side.
It's definitely something that needs addressing.

My friend slipped on a bra
Turns out it was a booby trap.

I can't understand why some people actually like to collect old newspapers
They must have a lot of issues...

Today I learned that "Wet Floor" signs
are not a request

My dad used to say to me 'when one door closes another one opens'
He was a great philosopher but a terrible cabinet maker.

I don't have a drinking problem, I have a drinking mystery
Trying to solve which of my problem's motivating me to drink.

Stephen King has a son named Joe
Im not joking, but he is.

Sunday was a sad day
But the day before was a Sadder Day

Had my wife howling with this Labyrinth joke...
We've had problems with ants appearing on our cooker recently, and we can't figure out where from.

After yet another night, my wife was ranting, "I don't understand it, where are these ants coming from???"

I said: "David Bowie would know."

She said: "Umm, what?

I started singing "ANTS, magic ants, maaagic ants, magic ants, maaagic ants..."

Came second place in a Fidel Castro lookalike competition.
Close, but no cigar.

Why is GenZ so happy to see Tom Hiddleston in the Avengers: Doomsday trailer?
Because he's lowk their favorite.

I hear theres a new combination Gastroenterologist and chiropractor office opening up.
Its called Fart and Spinal

I want to make a movie where Snoop Dogg plays a genie trapped in a minute maid bottle.
I call it "djinn and juice"

Last night I had a dream that I was eating a giant marshmallow
and when I woke up my giant marshmallow was gone.

A zookeeper lost a pair of mongoose to a storm and needed to replace them.
He began writing an email to his supplier...

Dear sir, please send me two mongooses at once.

That didnt sound right, so he tried again.

Dear sir, please send me two mongeese at once.

That still didnt sound right, so he gave it one last attempt:

Dear sir, please send me one mongoose. And while youre at it- send me another mongoose.