Political opinions are like dicks
Its okay to have them, just dont shove them down peoples throats.

How is a handwritten letter like a lazy dog?
A handwritten letter is an ink lined plane.
An inclined plane is a slope up.
A slow pup is a lazy dog.

Whats the difference between Indian & Vietnamese cuisine?
Ones Nan-profit while the other is Pho-profit

I'm so excited to go to my first event after joining the Amateur Autopsy Club.
Tomorrow is Open Mike Night.

At dinner, I asked my date if she was religious. She said she was still deciding because the Baptists wanted her to join, but so did the Catholics, an Orthodox Jewish congregation, and even a Hindu temple.
I said, Wow You clearly have some serious sects appeal.

I'm heartbroken because my car is missing from the garage where I parked it last night.
It's a red Ford Escape

My wife is mad because every time she farts I hold a lighter up to her butt.
She says I need to stop gaslighting her.

Tried to park my car up in a residential area. One of the people that lived there shouted over to me you cant park here unless you have a felt frog on your windscreen
Apparently, I needed a parking Kermit.

The gap between rungs on a ladder keeps increasing as the world's population keeps growing taller and taller. This phenomenom is officially known as...
Climb-It Change.

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with wearing a different t-shirt every hour.
I said, Wait, I can change.

I'm finally able to start my dream of building a zoo in my home town. The best resources say that first, I need a breeding pair of Pandas, three Grizzlies and at least one Koala...
I guess that's the bare minimum.

I'm thinking about breeding racing deer.
I'm looking to make a quick buck...

Ive heard a way of avoiding the winter weight gain is to wear gloves. Making it harder to hold calorific items.
Some might even say Im into mitten fasting.

I went to a hairdresser and asked for a cut like Tom Cruise.

She gave me a booster seat.

A calf asks his dad if hes gay
The dad replies no im bi-son

My Plunge Into The Abyss
By Eileen de Toufarr

I want to sit on the floor naked but,
I'm scared of ground meat.

My local brothel has been closed for a few days.
The sign on the door says, Were closed, so beat it!

My mother worked 12 hours every day just to put food on the table.
Amazing woman, but slowest cook ever.

What's the difference between fruity loops, some professional assistance, and people that own houses?
It all sounds the same to me. Home-ow-ners.

Some idiot threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me!!!!!
Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil.

My friend opened the fridge and a bag of pumped breastmilk fell out.
"Oh, sorry!" I said. "The fridge is boobie-trapped!"

Did you hear about Willy Nelson getting hit by a car?
He was playing On The Road Again

I went out for a meal and ordered the Rabbit stew.
I had to return it. It had a hare in it.

What kid of trousers does a ghost hunter wear?
Just a paranormal jeans