My wife is furious with me. She realized I was cheating when she found the letter that I had hidden.
Were never playing Scrabble again.

I have two cousins who want to date me.
I guess that makes me relatively attractive.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is at a sushi restaurant staring at his plate. Frustrated, he waves over a waiter.
Waiter Is there something wrong with your order sir?
Arnold Its not a tuna!

If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep...
That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning

At dinner, my date told me that she was more of a dog person.
Which later explained the leg humping.

Thought my kid would be thrilled when the flight attendant invited him to check out the brand new cockpit before taking off.
Turns out he found it was pretty Boeing.

I asked a supermarket worker where they kept the tinned peaches.
He said, "I'll see," and walked away.

I asked another and he also said, "I'll see," and walked away.

In the end I gave up and found them myself, in Aisle C.

My son asked me "Where does poo come from?"
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.

He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"

My daughter: That Beethoven was so nice, not claiming copyright on people using his music.
Me: Oh no, he wouldn't hear of it...

A Mossberg 500 and a Remington 870 got married...
... It was a shotgun wedding.

My dog is so dumb.
Weve played 73 games of chess and shes only beaten me once.

I think jokes about aircrafts...
Are just plane wrong.

Did you hear about the blonde who identified as a boat?
She was a little dinghy!

RIP boiled water....
You will be mist.

What are you at risk for if you have sex in a coffin?
A funereal disease.

There was an emergency at work so I tried to use the emergency exit
But the emergency refused to leave.

its math
i drank root beer from a square glass and now i only have beer.

Walking out of the bathroom...
I asked my daughter if she had a candle.

She said yes, why?

Because I'm a little lighter.

I ate someone else's Middle Eastern dinner
I falafel about it.

I going to build an informational web site about Hip Hop Music.
It will be a Wikki-Wikki-Wikki page.

Lamps.
What do you call a medieval lamp ?
A knight light.

People don't get my poop jokes...
They have to digest them first

I just broke up with my communist girlfriend.
I should have seen the red flags.

I didnt want to believe that my son was stealing from his new job at the department of transportation
But when i got home, there were many signs

What's another name for Dracula's castle in Transylvania?
The Vampire State Building.