A guy walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.
The bartender says, Interesting pet, whats his name.

Tiny, the guy says.

Why Tiny, the bartender asks.

Because hes my newt.

Caveman discovers weed.... Caveman discovers fire....
Stoned Age begins....

My wife said I could be an idiot sometimes.
I think it is pretty cool of her to give me permission.

My wife says Im getting fat, but in my defense..
Ive had a lot on my plate lately.

If the Easter Bunnys favorite sport is basketball, whats Jesuss favorite sport?
Lacrosse

What did the retired pirate say?
'I'm too old for this ship!'

I told my son I named my backups final_final_v2 ...
He said, so theyre not real backups?

I said, no, theyre just emotional support files. :')

Does anyone know if Hawaii allows for very loud laughing...
...or is it just a low ha?

Chlorine goes for a sleepover at Neons house.
In the morning, Neon offers them breakfast - cereal, in a mug. Chlorine asks why its in a mug, and Neon replies:

Im a no-bowl gas, duh.

Who is in charge of vending and cafeterias for the Rebel Alliance?
Admiral Snackbar

An old lady goes to the doctor and says doc, I cant stop farting. Theyre silent with no smell, but Ive let out 20 in the past 5 minutes sitting here
The doc gives her some pills and tells her to come back next week.

The next week the old lady comes back and says doc, I took the pills, the farts are still silent but now they stink!

The doc says great! Weve cleared your sinuses, now lets work on your hearing!

how are slutty cows shipped into the US?
through the Strait of Whore Moos

Here's my best impression of a seal.
BABEH, I COMPARE YA TO A KISS FROM A ROSE ON THA GREY!!

They said I was crazy to go swimming in the river while in Paris.
But actually I was in Seine.

What do you get when you mix a broccoli and a melon
The saddest vegetable known to man: a melonccoli.

What kind of whisky does a bunny drink?
Hop Scotch

What's a doctor's favorite Greek philosopher
Hetapsthenese

Eggs.
What kind of car does an egg drive?

A yolkswagen.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot

Shipping for Clothing...
A man from South America is in the US. He only speaks Spanish and doesn't speak a word of English. He goes to a Men's Clothing shop to get a piece of clothing he needs. Unfortunately, the clerk doesn't speak a word of Spanish. So they are trying to communicate by pointing, head nodding, shaking head no, etc.

He points at an article of Clothing behind the counter... the clerk brings over a shirt. he motions "no", and points again in the same direction. the clerk brings over a pair of pants. again he motions "no", and points again. the clerk brings over a pair of socks. Overjoyed that he finally go what he came for, he says out loud, "Eso, si que es!" The clerk replies, "well, if you could spell it, why didn't you say so in the first place!"

My wife asked if my kid and I were having fun playing battleship
Kid: Eh, hit or miss

What do you call a blind cheetah?
A heetah because, he can't C

What do you call a woman who's constantly pregnant?
Birth-a

What happens if you forget to pay your exorcist?
You get repossessed