I called my daughter to ask how things were going in the big city. She said, Well, some weirdo on the subway demanded that I give him sodium chloride and a 9-volt. So I guess thats my first mugging. I said, No, sweetie
thats a salt and battery.

Why do pancakes always win at baseball?
Because they have the best batter.

Dont know if this is a wind up but I just received a text saying Id won 250 cash or two tickets to an Elvis tribute night
It says Press 1 for the money or 2 for the show

You know why ghosts love taking elevators?
Cause it always lifts their spirits

I just ran into Matt Damon at the thrift store, searching for a new pair of jeans
He was Goodwill hunting

What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
A Yamahahahahaha

One of the unicorns on Noah's ark introduced himself to the other unicorn, "Hi, I'm Bob. What's your name?"
"Steve."

If someone is born inside a car, and die outside, can we call him
Carborn Dieoutside

What is a short person that enjoys good food called?
a Gastrognome

What do you say to testicles that are breaking the speed limit?
Nuts so fast!

Why are mountains funny?
Because they are hill-areas

When is the best time of day to do the dishes?
Dawn.

I recently separated from my wife. Against my wishes, she insisted all our doors have knobs.
I just had to Lever.

Why couldn't the chameleon change his colors?
He had "a reptile dysfunction".

I've been married 3.4782 times
They were all once my significant figures

Unpoplar opinion: The Doors were a jamb band.
And they could really swing.

I wanted to tell you all a space pun.
But I need more time to planet.

Do you know what today is?
10-4, good buddy!

Wanna know why I love walking so much?
Because I cant stand sitting

I told the cute little lobster that she looked good enough to eat.
She turned bright red

Why did the submarine turn brown and shrivel up?
It was underwatered

A dog walks into an old Wild West saloon.
He's wearing a pistol and has a bandage on his foot.

He says:

"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Its difficult to tell how spiritual animals are,
but I am fairly certain most monkfish believe in Cod.

The best dad jokes: the ones you get them to walk into.
When we would drive by a cemetery, my dad would say:

"Hey, this graveyard is very popular. Highly desirable."

"Really?"

"Oh yeah. People are dying to get in there. "

One of my thumbs snapped my other thumb in half.
It turns out I have opposable thumbs.