A Higgs boson walked into a Catholic church and said...
"whoa, whoa, whoa, you can't have mass without me"

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there
He said he couldnt complain.

Who were the five most constipated men in the Bible?
Cain - He wasn't Abel.

King David - Heaven and Earth couldn't move him.

King Solomon - He sat on the throne for 40 years.

Moses - He took two tablets and went up on the mountain.

And Noah - He spent 40 days and 40 nights in the Ark, and passed nothing but water.

I dated this stunning girl once. She was a communist, originally from from China, but I met her while working in Switzerland. We lived in Denmark first then moved to Turkey and went on holiday in Canada. Then she cheated on me. I was devastated, but I really should have known better

There had been a lot of red flags

What Operating System do the Eurythmics prefer to use?
Any Linux.

What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
Prime-mates.

The sweater my wife gave me was picking up static electricity, so I went to the store to change it.
They gave me another one, free of charge.

My fathers advice: "if you got up there on your own you can get down on your own".
Great father.

Awful air traffic controller.

I was hooked on auctions after only going once ...
...going twice

I was going to tell the joke about the tropical birds I glued together.
But never mind, it's toucan fusing.

One thing that makes me angry is that it now costs, easily, over $3.00 to air up your tires at a gas station and back in my day it used to be free.
I really hate inflation.

How do you kill a circus clown?
Go for the juggler...

My hairdresser asked me if I wanted to try a new style,
I told them I needed to mullet over

How do you tell the difference between a Baptist and a Methodist?
The Methodist will say hello to you at the liquor store.

Why did the Roman nurse stick her patient with four needles?
The doctor told her to give him an IV.

What's an astronaut's favourite part of a computer?
...

The space-bar.

Courtesy of my 6 year old daughter.

Why do astronauts only use Macs?
Because you can't open Windows in space!

My daughter said she was gonna go vegetarian, but I saw her eating lunchmeat.
I think shes full of baloney!

How does a tree get onto the Internet?
It doesn't climb up...

It just logs on.

A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a drink
the bartender replies. for you no charge

I contacted a company that makes anechoic chambers.
I still haven't heard back.

Where did the IT guy go?
He probably ransomware.

Whats the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One is heavy, and the other is a little lighter!

The brain is 40% AI.
The rest is BRN.

What do you call an Irishman who bounces off walls?
Rick OShea