The Nurse's Dreaded Words:
After a prostate exam, the doctor leaves and a nurse enters with a worried look. She whispers the words no man wants to hear: "Who the hell was that guy?".

The famous singer Sting has been kidnapped
The Police have no lead.

I remember when everyone looked at me because I was half human and half horse
I was the centaur of attention

My doctor told me its normal to get aroused and even ejaculate during a prostate exam
Still, I wish he hadnt

What did the parallelogram say when he got on public transit
oh no I got on the rhombus!

Einstein, Pascal, and Newton were playing a game...
Einstein, Pascal, and Newton were playing a game of hide and seek.

Pascal and Newton are the first to hide while Einstein starts counting. While Einstein is counting, Pascal runs away to find the most obscure hiding spot he can. Newton pulls out a piece of chalk and draws a square with sides 1m long on the ground right in front of Einstein. When he's finished, he stands right in the middle of it and waits.

Einstein finishes counting, opens his eyes and sees Newton right in front of him. "Ah ha! I found Newton."

Newton replies "No, you found 1 Newton in 1 square metre. You actually found 1 Pascal."

Wife: You need to do more chores around the house. Husband: Can we change the subject?
Wife: "Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you".

Where did Phil Collins record all of his greatest albums?
In the Stu Stu Studio.

Ive been trying to come up with some good airplane jokes.
I cant get any of them to land correctly.

Difference between a bad hunter and a constipated owl ?
A bad hunter can shoot but can't hit

A constipated owl can hoot but can't.....

Why didnt the bicycle drink alcohol?
Couldnt handle bars.

Why do scuba divers always fall backwards out of the boat?
Because if they fell forwards theyd fall into the boat.

Last January I saw a sign at REI.
"This is the winter of our discount tents."

If two vegans quarrel with each other...
Is that still considered a beef?

Napoleon was destined to be an Emperor since his childhood because he wasn't like other kids..
I guess you could say he was.. Bonaparte

Im done with zombies on TV shows.
Theyre dead to me.

I accidentally took my cats meds last night.
Dont ask meow.

Diarrhea is hereditary.
It runs in your jeans.

What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle
Attire

I asked the librarian if they had any books that could help me manage my paranoia.
"They're right behind you," she whispered.

I didn't like the mirror my wife bought
But after much reflection I think we should keep it

What does apple give their night shift employees?
I-Bags

I've got a question for you all, but if you know the answer, don't shout out.
What's the opposite of in?

The famous singer Sting has been kidnapped.
The Police have no lead.

Our entire calendar is based around when jesus was born
Seriously, we count years starting from his birth, without him we wouldn't have a point to fix our calendar from.

Jesus was born for our since