When my wife is depressed I let her colour in my tattoos.
She just wants a shoulder to crayon.

Last night my wife said, why dont we go lie in bed and watch TV?
So i laid down in bed and said that dinner you made was delicious!

Whats the internal temperature of a Taun Taun?
Luke warm.

I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there looking at the trees for half an hour
Not the Apple Watch she was expecting

Why are babies born on March 31 the easiest to prank on April Fools Day?
They were literally born yesterday.

Why was everyone tired on April 1?
Because they just finished a long 31 day March.

I asked my daughter if she knew how to make gold soup. When she replied no, I told her, "It's easy!"
"Just put 24 carrots in it!"

Flat earthers.
The only thing that flat earthers have to fear is sphere itself .

My wife stole a key off my keyboard
She just needed space

A brain and a set of jumper cables walk into a bar
The bar man said, "You're going to have to leave. You're out of your head, and you look like you want to start something"

What did Mike Tyson say after working out with Chris Hemsworth?
Youre going to be Thor in the morning.

What does a chicken eat to get high?
Pot pie!

I was driving up to Seattle with some friends...
traffic was pretty rough, so I hopped into the HOV lane. as soon as we hit a tunnel, my hands started to hurt. apparently it was car pool tunnel.

Boxers dont have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is?
They dont fancy each other.

Got busted for using spices
Now Im doing thyme

Someone asked me what my favorite word is.
I told them its hard to say.

I'm not saying I have a favorite superhero.
But here's The Thing ...

Mr. T set the ninja turtles up on a blind date.
Mr. T: Heres your girl.

Ninja Turtles: Who is she?

Mr. T: Its April, fools.

What is the loudest colour?
YELL-ow.

What do you call a blind seagull?
A no seagull...

What does the boss at a job site do first thing upon arrival?
Hand a can of tea to the security guard so he can put it in the safe. Safe tea first!

Astronomers are growing tired of watching the planet spin.
They're calling it a day.

What is the favorite dessert of long distance couples?
Tiramissyou

Why dont turtles wear scarves
They have turtle necks

How do you know when a joke is really corny?
It makes you go aww shucks