I bought a Russian advent calendar.
Every time you open a window, an oligarch falls out.

A guy calls a handyman in a panic: "Help! My front doorknob has been stolen! I can't get in my own home!"
The handyman replies: "Don't worry, I'll handle it."

Which pizza place only serves pizza with small fish on it?
Domminnows

Pirates are some of the horniest people on the planet.
They're always talking about chests and booties.

As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"Y"Know one would had been enough

My grandfather complained that my generation relies too much on technology,
so I unplugged his life support

I saw chicken tongue on the breakfast menu and thought, Disgusting! Why would anyone ever eat something that came out of a chickens mouth??
So I got some eggs

Asked a date if she wanted to go see an outdoor comedy show...
She said she only likes inside jokes.

One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window, turned to his wife and said
Its going to rain.

His wife asked, How do you know?

Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear

Captain Kirk has three ears
A left ear A right ear ... and a final frontier.

I have the memory of a goldfish.
I think I saw it in a tank, it was a nice memory nonetheless!

What's Jesus's favorite dessert?
An Easter Sundae.

My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo
So I had to put my foot down!

What brass instrument can be made out of wood?
A tuba-four.

What do you call a wreath made of $100 dollar bills?
Aretha franklins.

For a bit of fun, Im making a chart of my past girlfriends.
I have an ex-axis and a why?-axis

What do you call Tom Hanks when he's constipated?
Forced Dump.

I tried to get my girlfriend to go swimming with my Polar Bear Club.
It didnt work out well; she ended up getting cold feet.

I just ordered the best Indian dish in the history of the world.
It was the goat.

If the king sleeps on a king bed, and the queen sleeps on a queen bed, where does the prince sleep?
On an heir mattress.

What do you call someone who loves Indian spices?
A cumin being!

What is a dogs favorite potato chip?
Ruff-ells!

I attended the Drywallers of America convention.
They held several social functions -- where I got plastered.