An ion walks into a bar
looking very glum.

Whats up? asks the barkeep.
I think I lost an electron, replies the ion, gloomily.
Are you sure?
Yes, the ion says, Im positive.

This is my cake day joke. Please clap!

I don't know why people rate Excel very badly
Personally, I give it October the tenth.

I have a bad habit of running red lights.
I really need to stop.

My adult daughter was questioned by her baby sister about her many dad jokes. "You're a girl," sissy said, "You're never gonna be a dad!" My daughter hung her head, "yeah, you're right..."
I guess I'm just a faux pa.

My friend and I argued about which vowel is the best.
I think I won.

But it could have been U.

My wife forced me to go to the chiropractor, after years of me telling her he couldn't help my hunched back
I stand corrected.

Not a blonde joke
A scatter-brained woman is a passenger on a small plane when the pilot suddenly faints...she frantically calls out a May Day over the radio. "Someone please help...my pilot has passed out and I don't know how to fly this plane!" A voice from the radio responds, "This is Air Traffic Control. I hear you loud and clear. Don't worry, I'll talk you through this and get you back on the ground. Everything will be fine! Can you tell me your height and position?" She replies..."I'm 5'4" and in the front seat."

Which US state is the best to visit to learn about consent?
Alaska

In honour of the renamed Lake America, I propose that Jack-o-lanterns be renamed
Trumpkins.

The EMT's were called to the airport to assist a woman who passeed out on the luggage carousel.
When they arrived they found her slowly coming around.

The Bible says being gay is fine, as long as you're high.
"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."

Leviticus 20:13

When I joined a local theater, the director pointed around the room, assigning jobs. You, props. You, sound. You, lighting. Then he asked, Can anyone here write a good ending? I raised my hand. He pointed at me and said, Great. Act III.
I nodded, then collapsed on the floor and threw a tantrum.

An e-book is nowhere as good as a paper book
Doesn't even hold a kindle.

Why cant your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.

I got kicked out of the kitchen this morning.
Partner making our kid's lunch. They give me a post-it and ask:"Do you want to write a little message?" I say "Sure!" and I write "A little message." on the post-it.

I got an eye-roll for the ages, and was promptly pointed the door, whilst I cried laughing. It was a good morning.

My buddy Steven went to the capital of Texas during a blizzard. He and his friends smoked a bunch and got locked out of their AirBNB. I knew something was wrong when he sent me a four word text:
Stoned. Cold. Steve. Austin.

What do you call two men hanging above a window?
Kurt and Rod

What month are sheep typically born in?
Maaaaaaaaaay

Whats faster than an escalator?
An esca-sooner

Have you heard of the new alternative to Viagra?
It's called Mycoxafloppin

The local theater's passion play on the cruxification of Jesus was halted mid-play due to historical inaccuracies, and only continued after the actor who played Jesus changed his hair color to black.
Jesus dyed for our scenes.

My friend asked me if I can tie a piece of rope
I said I can knot

Wheres the best place to buy bagels?
Hole Foods

I made a pencil with two erasers.
It was pointless.