Whats the difference between ignorance and indifference?
I dont know and I dont care

Aladdin has been banned from the 2128 Olympic Magic Carpet Race
He tested positive for using performance enhancing rugs.

Why is 69 afraid of 70?
Because they once had a fight and 71.

How did Mr. & Mrs. Universe consummate their marriage?
The Big Bang!

A string walks into a bar
He walks up and asks for a beer. The bartender says, we don't serve strings here. The string leaves, walks around the corner and ties himself up, messes his hair and walks back unto the bar. He goes to the bartender and asks for a beer. The bartender says aren't you the same string that was just in here? And he says nope, I'm afrayed knot.

Lance is not a common name anymore...
But in medieval times people were called Lance a lot

My therapist says I have a hard time verbalizing my emotions
Can't say I'm surprised

Little Johnny
The teacher pulled Little Johnny aside after a test and said, Johnny, I think youve been cheating on your tests. You know I cant condone cheating.

Johnny was astounded and asked the teacher to prove it.

Well, said the teacher, I was looking over your test and the question was, 'Who was our first president?', and the student who sits next to you, Mary, put 'George Washington,' and so did you.

So, everyone knows that he was the first president," answered Johnny.

Well, just wait a minute," the teacher continued. "The next question was, 'Who freed the slaves?' Mary put Abraham Lincoln and so did you."

Well, I read the history book last night and I remembered that," said Johnny.

Wait, said the teacher. "The next question was, 'Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?' Mary put 'I don't know,' and you put, 'Me neither'."

Did you hear about the new drug kids are doing that causes chronic indifference?
They call it Crystal Meh

Did you hear about the man who installed a window in his butt?
It was a pane in the ass

A woman in labor yells, "shouldn't, wouldn't, couldn't, don't, can't".
The Doctor tells her husband, "Don't worry, those are just contractions".

I told my plants I love them...
Now they're all rooting for me.

I tried to start a professional hide and seek team
But good players are hard to find.

After a lengthy investigation, the police determined the murder weapon to be a set of food coloring.
That must've been a rough way to dye.

A physicist walked in to a bar
...and ordered ein stein.

I got a really exciting joke about Piotr Szczerek
So hold onto your hats.

Im afraid for the calendar
Its days are numbered

What did Yoko say when the Beatles broke up?
Oh no

My new pet turned out to be a spy, a tattletale, and an exhibitionist.
Thats what you get for adopting a naked mole rat.

Why do chickens only make one sound?
Because they cant think outside of the BAWKS!

Have you heard about the cows that did a full orbit of Earth?
It was the herd shot around the world.

If my supervisor finds the coke in my car I may get fired!
But who wants to work for PepsiCo anyway.

How do you catch a bear?
Dig a hole and fill it with ashes. Then put peas around the edge of the hole.

So when the bear goes to take a pea, kick him in the ashhole!

My autobiography isn't selling very well.
Story of my life!