My wife is furious with me because she found a bunch of hidden letters that revealed I was cheating on her.
Now she refuses to play Scrabble at all.

My wife flew into a rage because I kept making Monty Python references
I said "will this be a 5 minute argument or the full half hour?"

What do you call a typo on a tombstone?
A grave mistake

A hunting trip
A hunter from the East goes hunting out West in Wyoming.

He hires a guide and the next day they get up bright and early and begin their adventure.
At some point the hunter has to use a commode.
He says to his guide, "Man, I really have to use the restroom. Where is it?"

The guide cracks up laughing, "Are you serious? We're in the middle of Wyoming and you're asking where the restroom is?"

"Well it's kinda an emergency." the hunter says.

The guide says, "You just hang your ass over that log over there. We're roughing it today, Sport!

So,the hunter does his business but realizes there is no toilet paper so he asks his guide, What do I use to clean up with?

The guide says, You got a dollar?

The hunter says, "I do"

The guide says, "Just use that!"

The hunter comes back with poop all over himself. He was a disgusting mess.

The guide says, "What the hell, man. What happened to you?"

The hunter says, "You try cleaning yourself up with three quarters, two dimes, and a nickel!"

A woman takes a sip of her coffee and winces at how terrible it is...
She calls her lawyer: "This coffee my husband made is so bad it's a crime." The lawyer replies "Bring out the coffee dregs, please..." She does as told. "What you have in you hand, ma'am," the lawyer continues, "is "grounds for divorce".

How does one define a Dad Joke?
The short answer?
Its kind of hard to do, but you know when you hear one!

The long answer?
Iiiiitttttsss kkkkkkkiiiiiinnnnddd oooooffff hhhaaaarrrddd tttooooo dddooooo, bbbuuutttt yyyyooooouuuu kknnnnoooowww wwwhhheeeennnn yyyyoooouuuuu hhhheeeeaaaaarr oooonnneee!!!!!

What be a pirates favorite letter?
Some one answers R, you think it be R but a pirates heart belongs to the C

I accidentally swallowed some food coloring
The doctor says Im okay, but I feel like Ive dyed a little inside

What is a pirates favorite thing at a birthday party
da balloons

I nearly dropped a carton of eggs while unpacking groceries with my wife but I caught them before they hit the ground
I told her that I should be leading the x-men.

She said "why"

I said "because I'm professor egg savior"

Madame Tussauds has never completed a figure of Pat Morita as Mr. Miyagi...
This is because every time they put the wax on they have to take the wax off.

3 sisters married 3 brothers
3 sisters married 3 brothers, one day the 3 brothers went off to work leaving the 3 pregnant sisters at the eldest brother's and eldest sister's home.

The sisters got to chatting and realised that their husbands were taking care of them all too well and not letting them do much work. So they decided to change that and set about doing odd jobs all over their houses to say thank you to their husbands for all that they do.

After painting her kitchen, the eldest sister went into labour and after a few pushes bore a baby apple, the second sister, after rewiring the garage, went into labour and gave birth to a baby banana, the 3rd sister, after landscaping the back garden, gave birth to a baby orange.

The sisters were all shocked and met together to congratulate their hard work and discuss their new babies. When the 3 brothers came home, they were welcomed in by the 3 sisters who said..

Come, see the fruits of our labours.

Family checks into a hotel and father says I hope the porn is disabled here.
Naw, its just regular porn, you sick fuck. replies the front desk clerk.

A dog walks into a bar. The bartender yells, "Get out!" and shoots him in the foot as the dog runs away.
The dog returns the next day wearing a holster with a gun in it and says, "I'm lookin' fer the man who shot my paw!"

My wife smiled at me and said, I had no idea our son would go that far!" I laughed and said, I know!"
"The trebuchet is amazing! Let's get our daughter!"

"Where did Fozzy bear take his dog?"
"Where?" said the guy

I replied..."For a walka walka walka"

I bought a shirt with a bat on it...
Then another. And another.

I suppose you could say I'm bat shirt crazy.

What did one saggy boob say to another?
If we don't get some support , people are going to think we're nuts!

Which variety of Tea can you throw the furthest?
Hurl Grey

One bird cant do the tango
But toucan

What do you call a 1 legged Asian?
Thai Won Shu

My doctor told me I could have a stroke at any time
Now Im a registered sex offender

My wife asked if that thing we watched about the history of menstrual products was a movie or documentary.
I said, Im pretty sure it was a period piece.

Why are most horses in shape?
They are on a stable diet!