Pagliachi feels a lot of pain when he sits down, and he's worried he has hemorrhoidsHe goes to the hospital, and the attendant says
'Please state your medical request and your name'
He replies
'Butt doctor, I am Pagliachi'
My friend asked me to help round up his 37 sheep.
I said 40.
Captain Kirk has 3 ears
His right ear, his left ear and his final front ear.
Time for some knock knock jokes...Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Mikey.
Mikey who?
Mikey doesnt work, can you let me in?
----
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke through the peep hole and find out.
----
Knock, knock.
Whos there?
Anita.
Anita who?
Anita use the bathroom, please open the door!
----
Knock, knock.
Whos there?
Theodore.
Theodore who?
Theodore wasnt opened so I knocked.
----
Knock, knock.
Whos there?
Candice.
Candice who?
Candice joke get any worse?
My grandfather got his tongue shot off in the war.
But he never talked about it.
I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles
My next trip to the toilet could spell disaster.
I should never have exposed myself in the elevator.
It was wrong on so many levels.
my ADHD is so severe...
it's AD8K
Doctor: Do you want the good news or the bad news? Me: Good news.
Doctor: Youll be able to park wherever you want.
What kind of doctor was Dr Pepper?
He was a Fizzician.
A limbo champion walked into a bar
He lost
I bought an encyclopedia of Canada.
Now, I'll be fully educated from Eh to Z.
Bond, James Bond.
What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath?
Bubble 07.
Why wasnt the devil afraid of balding?
Because there will be hell toupee
There's no point trying to change tautology...
It is what it is.
Just got back from the doctor...He said I have paranoid dyslexia.
I think I'm following somebody.
Two children decided to give their mom a real treat for Mothers Day.They told her to stay in bed and relax while they handled everything. As she lay there, she could hear the sizzle of bacon and the smell of coffee drifting up from the kitchen. She felt so loved and pampered, imagining the beautiful breakfast they were preparing.
After waiting for over an hour, she finally heard footsteps. The kids burst into the room, both holding their own plates full of pancakes, eggs, and bacon.
"Happy Mothers Day, Mom!" they shouted. "We decided to make our own breakfast so you wouldn't have to cook for us today!"
I got my mom a massive jar of Jelly Belly's for Mother's Day. It was going to be a surprise.
But someone spilled the beans.
I once asked a tree...I once asked a tree on my property what he thought would happen when i needed wood to build my house ...
He was stumped!
Working in the funeral business is no joke.
You have to be dead serious!
A dentist and manicurist got married.
They fought tooth and nail.
Son to dad: "I'm thirsty."
Dad to son: "Well, water you waiting for?"
Why is there no Star Wars Chewbacca alarm clock?
Doesn't everyone need a wakey Wookie?
A woman passed out on a carousel...
She's coming around.
"Why do you have a javelin in your herb garden?"
"I want to grow spearmint."