Four math professors walk into a bar
the barman asks: "do you all want a beer?"

First one says: "I don't know"

Second one says: "I don't know"

Third one says: i dont know

Fourth one says: yes please

A neighborhood pub planned a costume party & the bartender announced they must all come dressed up as their love life. On the night of the party the bartender spotted some old geezer dressed as Abraham Lincoln.
He walked over to him and said, Hey, you were supposed to come dressed up as your love life.

With a shrug and a sly grin the older man replied, Oh, I have. My four scores were seven years ago."

My wife lost her dictionary.
I tried comforting her, but my words seem to have no meaning to her now.

A man read 12.5% of the Bible.
He's an eightheist.

Actually, it's pronounced "jaslight".
You've been saying it wrong the whole time.

An armed man robs a bank with 2 CDs glued to his glasses. The cashier hands the man all the money and then says Got to ask, whats with the CDs?
He replies Its my disk-eyes

I bought a dog from a blacksmith yesterday
As soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.

I was talking to someone about countries having low birthrates and snuck this in.
Me: South Korea had the lowest birth rate but recently got theirs up a bit.

Her: I wonder which one has the lowest now.

Me: I'd have to look it up. I'll do it later.

Her: Do you know which nation has the highest?

Me experiencing sudden inspiration: I think it's the nation of Impreg.

Her not connecting the dots immediately: I haven't heard of it. Do they have a lot of people?

Me: Oh I hear they get a lot of visitors who stay less than a year but few permanent residents. I've been there. It's kinda nice. But some women hate it there.

She asked a few questions with my responses getting more ludicrous until:

Her: Ok, I have to look this place up.

Her looking at her phone: GOD DAMNIT!

Glorious.

What do you call a sheep wrapped in plastic?
Lambinated

Dad, how many people work at your company?
About half of them

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes
She gave me a hug

Why couldnt the sailors play cards at sea?
The captain was standing on the deck!

Archaeologist Hubby
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have...
The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.

Husband to wife, I dont know what is wrong with me, but I forgot where I put my car keys. Wife, Again? Its probably in your jeans.
Husband, Why you gotta bring up my parents?

I asked for a seat swap on my flight to get away from a crying baby.
Turns out thats frowned upon when its your baby.

Ive started a business to weigh very tiny items.
Its a very small scale operation.

Arnie, Stallone and Bruce Willis decide to make a movie about classical music composers
Stallone: Ill be Beethoven

Willis: Ill be Mozart

SCHWARZENEGGER: ILL BE BACH

Gloria Gaynor was hosting a dinner party for six of her friends at her home.
When they arrived, they panicked when finding out one couldn't make it. "That's ok." she told them. "I will serve five."

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked suprised

I was on the fence about buying a house, so the seller said they'd throw in a free Saab
To Sweden the deal

Last Sunday, my neighbor rose to stand when he was asked by his preacher to give his thoughts on his own mortality.
He cleared his throat and then said Ill pass

King Arthur didn't like it when a new Sultan moved into the castle next door...
He turned it into a used Camel lot.

My wife says Im getting fat, but in my defense:
Ive had a lot on my plate recently.

Had to get a colonoscopy, guess you can say I had a
Cameron Diaz

What kind of pasta do cats love?
Vermincelli