I called the local theater to ask what time Melania was playing.
They asked me what time i could get there.

I bought a dog from a blacksmith
As soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door

ONE spelling mistake can ruin your entire marriage.
I accidentally messaged my wife "I'm having a great time. I wish you were her

What kind of rock will you never find in the Mississippi River?
A dry one.

(I was sharing jokes with my 3rd grade class and one girl told me that. It legitimately took me by surprise.)

What do you call a book club thats been stuck on the same book for years?
Church

The bus driver charged me extra today just for telling dad jokes.
I told him, "Thats not fare!"

I've been working on a joke about Pythagoras...
But I just can't find the right angle.

What did Delaware?
Maybe a New Jersey? I dont know, but Alaska.

What does a grape say when it gets stepped on?
Nothing, it just makes a little wine.

Taylor Swift broke up with Travis Kelce and just came out with her breakup song.
The title is "Cute without U".

Why doesn't Istanbul have a king?
Because they... Can't stand a noble

What do you call a man floating in the ocean?
Bob

Why shouldn't you share secrets at the bank?
Because of all the tellers!

There is a fundraiser to help Don Lemon cover his legal expenses.
It's called Lemon Aid

I turned down a job that would pay me with vegetables.
The celery was unacceptable.

Why did the bald man draw rabbits on his head?
Because from a distance they look like hares.

If you're feeling unattractive, consider buying a wig
Its a look that anyone can pull off.

Albert Einstein was a genius
But his brother Frank was a monster.

How do you know if someones blind in the Nudist colony?
its not hard.

What do midwives do?
They help people out

I inquired about an ad for a used ladder. It was $300 for 32'
I told him that's way too high!

I dated this stunning girl once. She was a communist, originally from from China, but I met her while working in Switzerland. We lived in Dennark first then moved to Turkey and went on holiday in Canada. Then she cheated on me. I was devastated, but I really should have known better
There had been a lot of red flags

Ratatouille was a very stirring movie
although, some parts were grating

Germans must have short phone numbers
I asked this girl for her number and she told me "nine".

Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
To da dump, to da dump, to da dump, dump, dump.