Two wind turbines are standing in a field. One asked the other, "What's your favorite kind of music?"
The other replies, "I've always been a huge metal fan."
Captain Kirk was going to release a line of lingerie
But the marketing people told him that Shatner panties probably wouldn't sell all that well.
A woman comes home from a doctor's appointment absolutely beaming.Her husband looks up from the TV and asks, "Why are you so happy?"
"Well," the wife says, "the doctor told me that for a forty-five-year-old woman, I have the physical attributes and spirit of an eighteen-year-old!"
The husband snorts and says, "Oh yeah? And what did he have to say about your forty-five-year-old rear end?"
She smiles sweetly and says, "Actually, your name never came up in the conversation."
Is Buttcheeks one word?
Or, should you spread them apart?
Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar?
He got 12 months.
What does a mortician and an electrician have in common?
They're both shocked when they touch a live one.
Why do Mimes never go to jail
They get off without a sentence
Pagliachi feels a lot of pain when he sits down, and he's worried he has hemorrhoidsHe goes to the hospital, and the attendant says
'Please state your medical request and your name'
He replies
'Butt doctor, I am Pagliachi'
I heard a reporter on Sky News say, At least one person killed in suicide bomb attack.
Yeah, obviously!
A man who was in court for stealing a bag was sentenced in just 3 minutes
It was a briefcase.
Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
Why is coffee always getting into trouble?
Cos its not tea
Captain Kirk has 3 ears
His right ear, his left ear and his final front ear.
What do you call a bird with a bad cough?
A phlegmingo
Marvel.
How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms?
The experiment altered his jeans.
My wife doesnt like my obsession with Phil Collins music
But I, I don't mind
First day back golfing after the winter layoff I hit one under.
One under a rock one under water one under a tree
I took my dog to a playground by mistake instead of a dog park.
The staff said dogs werent allowed but this time theyd let it slide.
What kind of water does a cat drink?
Purrrified water
My wife let me name our kids Ash, Smoke, and Char, our dog Cinder, and my truck Ole Coal Roller.
I guess naming things is my strong soot.
Im friends with electricians
We have a real connection
Let one get awayI was at the grocery store last night and a woman was grabbing packets of Mexican microwave rice. They kept falling off the shelf. Shed pick one up and another would fall, and she was getting flustered. I made some silly remark to hopefully help her feel less embarrassed and went on my way.
On the way back to car, I realized I should have said, Ive heard of Mexican Jumping Beans, but never jumping rice!
My friend asked me to help round up his 37 sheep.
I said 40.
I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles
My next trip to the toilet could spell disaster.
How does a goldfish swim if it is missing its left fin
In a clockwise circle