My son came home from winter break and I told him it felt like an entury since Id seen him. He goes, "What the heck does entury mean?"
I said, "Long time, no C."

Mary gave birth to Jesus. And Jesus was a Lamb of God..
So does that mean Mary had a little lamb...

Whats the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken.

Why do I always get those little tiny wax-wrapped cheese snacks in my Christmas stocking?
Because Christmas is all about the baby cheeses.

3025 years from now life on Earth will be either really good or really bad...
It'll be 5050

Ive lost control. I dont see an end. There is no escape. I dont even have a home anymore.
Guess its time for a new keyboard.

A conversation on an airplane
A devout Catholic man boarded a plane and was really dreading the long flight ahead. All of a sudden the pope boarded and was ushered to the seat next to him.

As the man thought about how best to conduct himself and what to say the pope took out a golf pencil and started doing a crossword puzzle.

Wow, His Holiness does crossword puzzles? the man thought. I hope he asks me for help. That'll be my in for a wonderful conversation!

Sure enough, after about 10 minutes the pope leaned over and asked, Do you know a four-letter word for a woman that ends in U-N-T?"

Oh no. The man was speechless. He sat there, thinking The pope won't speak to me if I say what first came to mind. Then the lightbulb came on Oh!" he said. "AUNT. The word you're looking for is 'aunt', Your Holiness."

The pope nodded. "Ah, of course. Do you have an eraser?"

Today I learned that Stephen King has a son named Joe.
Im not joking, but he is.

What do you call a network of shy people
A nervous system

I have a phobia of overengineered buildings
I have a complex complex complex

Remember to poop before midnight on dec 31
You dont want to be carrying the same $h!t into 2026.

My inflatable house got a puncture last night.
Now I'm living in a flat.

It took a long time to figure out what that smell was coming from my car.
It was exhausting.

Who was the smartest wiseman?
Frank. He was the only one with any sense.

Did you hear that the midget psychic escaped?
There is a small medium at large.

RIP to the pigeons
Did you hear about the guy who caused the death of a pair of pigeons by yelling at them really loudly?

Yeah, I was surprised too, but I guess its possible to kill two birds with ones tone

How does a german baker greet you?
glutentag!

Why was the bird arrested for crossing the street?
It was jaywalking.

I tried to organize an orgy in rural Pennsylvania.
It was a swing and a-mish.

What do you call a fish with four eyes?
Fiiiish

I have good and bad news, the doctor said to his patient. Give me the good news first, the patient said. Your test results are back, the doctor said, and you have only two days to live. Thats the good news? the patient exclaimed. Whats the bad news?
Ive been trying to reach you for two days!!!

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places.....
He said, Well stop going to those places.

Why doesn't the sun need to go to university?
Because it has 27 million degrees