Sex in a canoe is like American beer
its fucking close to water.

Most people don't know that back in 1912, the Titanic sank carrying 12,000 jars of Hellmann's mayonnaise bound for Mexico...
The Mexican people, who were eagerly awaiting the shipment, were so heartbroken over the loss that they established a National Day of Mourning every May 5th to remember the disaster. It is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

With my blonde hair and blue eyes, people always ask me if Im Dutch.
I always tell them, wooden shoe like to know.

I got fired from the orange juice factory.
I couldnt concentrate.

I once had a goal of being a plumber
It turned out to be a pipe dream

All these bots making asses of themselves on this sub...
I blame their back end developers ...

I took a job as a personal trainer.
The weights were too heavy, so I gave my too weak notice.

What do you call a horse thats run away from home?
Unstable

How do you console a sad English teacher?
There, Their, They're

l just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don't care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

What do you call an Australian pop group that needs to stay away from sweets?
The DiaBeeGees

I kept asking my Dad what LGBTQ stood for...
I never got a straight answer.

My boyfriend told me I have a terrible sense of direction, I got really mad at him.
So I packed up my stuff and right.

I bought a ceiling fan the other day.
Complete waste of money. He just stands there yelling, Woo! Go ceiling!

I asked the chef at my local curry house for his flatbread recipe, but he wouldnt budge.
Turns out he signed a naan-disclosure agreement.

A crazy commute
I had the most surreal commute of my life this morning.

I was driving behind a speeding ambulance when I noticed a small stainless-steel cooler precariously balanced on the back step. The driver took a sharp corner at an intersection, and sure enough, the container bounced off the bumper and tumbled into the roadside grass.

Doing my civic duty, I pulled over immediately and went over to inspect it. I unlatched the lid, and to my absolute horror, nestled inside a bed of crushed ice was an amputated human toe.

Realizing someone was probably having a terrible morning at the ER waiting for this, I glanced at the highway signs. The ambulance was heading toward regional clinics, so I quickly looked up the emergency dispatch line for the nearest hospital and called them.

"Dispatch here, what is your emergency?" the receptionist answered.

"Hi, this is going to sound crazy, but I was trailing one of your ambulances and a metal container fell off the back bumper into the grass. I opened it, and there's a toe in ice here."

The woman gasped, "Oh heavens! The paramedics just pulled into the bay five minutes ago in a panic because the cooler was missing!"

I gave her my exact cross streets and asked, "Are you dispatching another ambulance with sirens to come rush it to surgery?"

She paused and answered:

"No need for that... we'll just send a toe truck."

Why don't skeletons fight each other?
They don't have the guts.

I could never tell time, so I had a neurosurgeon implant a clock in my brain.
But now Im having second thoughts.

Don't stoop to someone's level when they call you fat.
You're bigger than that.

How do seashells stay clean?
They wash up on the beach.

Missed opportunity
I volunteer at a thrift store and a guy showed up with a truckload of drapes to donate. Like 50 dry cleaning hangers with old heavy drapes wrapped in plastic. He was in a hurry to get them unloaded and took trip after trip from the truck. Heres more drapes. Not done yet. Got a few more. They kept piling up higher and higher and I was running out of room.

And not one did I think to say: What, no matching curtains?

Whats a peas favorite thing to listen to?
A podcast

Eyes.
I love jokes about the eyes.

The cornea the better.

What does DNA stand for?
National dyslexia association