I've never seen the movie Frozen, so I asked my 4 year old daughter to summarize it for me
She looked at me funny and said, well if I SUMMERIZE it, then it would be called MELTED!!

Fun fact; around 60% of people who watched The Cure live in concert...
actually watched Placebo and enjoyed it just as much.

My wife said Im sick of you pretending to be a detective and that we should split up.
I said thats a great idea, we can cover more ground that way.

A man in an interrogation room says Im not saying a word without my lawyer present. "But you are the lawyer" replied the cops.
"Exactly, so wheres my present?"

My son excitedly asked me if I wanted to watch a show about how they dug a tunnel under the English Channel to connected England to France.
I told him, "No thanks that sounds like a boring documentary."

Scientists recently combined the DNA of a Cheetah with the DNA of a Crab.
Things went sideways really fast!

Fun fact: Australia's biggest export is boomerangs.
It's also their biggest import.

My daughter walked out of her room wearing tissue boxes on her feet
She said "Look dad, I'm wearing ti-shoes"

True story

What do you call a grizzly with no teeth?
A gummy bear.

Did you hear about the guy who robbed an ice cream shop?
He was charged with Grand Theft Gelato.

I told my husband that it was his turn to shovel and salt the front steps.
All I got was icy stares.

Whats an astronauts favorite part of a computer?
The space bar.

To make a long story short
I became an editor.

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?
Missle toe

I walked into the opticians yesterday you'll never guess who I bumped into...
Everyone

My wife asked me to name all my sexual partners in order.
I probably should have stopped when I got to her name.

What do you call a mediocre protractor?
Amateurtractor

A golf club walked into a bar...
...and ordered a vodka martini.

Bartender said, "I can't serve you. You're gonna be driving later."

What does a car put on its toast?
Traffic jam

i told a joke during a work zoom call, and nobody laughed.
evidently i am not even remotely funny.

Why did the baker become a thief
Because he kneaded the dough

What do you call a factory that produces thing that are just okay?
A satis-factory!

What kind of music do fish not like?
Catchy music.

What smells bad when living but smells good when dead?
Bacon!

The doctor said I had high nitrates.
So Im switching to day rates.