Scarlet Johansson...
Theres an airline crash in the Pacific.

The only two survivors are a young man, Steve, and an unconscious young woman.

Steve finds the young woman clinging to a piece of debris. He tows her to a small, deserted atoll.

The young woman does not regain consciousness for a week. In the meantime, Steve cares for her; keeps her sheltered, watered, fed and clean.

When the young woman finally comes to, Steve is shocked when he realises that she is actually Scarlet johansson.

It takes Scarlet another week or so to fully recover.

Once she does, they share their survival responsibilities equally. Steve is the better cook, Scarlet the better diver.

After a month or so, Scarlet begins to realise what a find Steve is.

Hes intelligent, unassuming, fit, not unattractive, caring, and he has made zero attempt to jump her.

Romance blooms.

Steve turns out to be an imaginative and enthusiastic lover.

Bliss reigns.

One night, some time later, while sitting around the campfire, Scarlet notices that Steve is a bit glum.

Are you OK? she asks.

Yeah, Im fine, Steve says.

No, youre not, Steve. Somethings wrong. Whats wrong, Steve?

No, Im OK. Really, Steve says.

Steve, if theres something missing, something you need, I want to help.

Im sorry, Scarlet, but youd think I was really weird.

Weird!, Scarlet exclaims. I work in Hollywood. Steve, you have no idea. Please, let me help.

Are you sure? Steve asks quietly.

Im sure, Scarlet says. What do you want me to do?

Well, says Steve.

Can you put on my cap and tuck your hair up in it?

Thanks. Now, can you take this piece of charcoal and use it to draw yourself a moustache?

Thanks. Now, do you mind if I call you Joe?

Joe? asks Scarlet. OK, you can call me Joe.

A long pause in the firelight

Joe, says Steve.

You are NOT going to believe who Ive been sleeping with.

I just found my old theremin!
I should throw it out. Ive never touched it.

I got kicked out from a vietnamese restaurant...
They banh mi pho life

I created a laughing gas that also works as a laxative.
It's just for shits and giggles.

Say what you want about a blind prostitute...
...but you really gotta hand it to them.

The older I get, the more I regret all the people l've lost over the years
Maybe being a trail guide wasn't such a great idea after all.

I started my new job at the broth factory yesterday.
It came with great stock options.

I thought I heard someone say hello to me in Arabic,
Turns out it was a false Salaam.

Why did the soup taste funny?
It was made from laughing stock.

What does a blindfold do?
Clothes your eyes

I knew a guy who would go around stealing cooking utensils from professional chefs
He was a Whisktaker.

Wheres the worst place to hide in a hospital?
The I-C-U

While running laps around the exam room, my doctor said I don't have enough stress in my life...
It was something about me having a tension deficit disorder.

I turned down a job that would have paid me with vegetables.

The celery was unacceptable.

How do they settle court cases in a banana republic?
In the court of a-peels.

What do you call a doctor that treats spiders?
WebMD

Why did the hot chocolate call the police
Because it got mugged

Why are astronauts so humbled after they return from space?
Because they are down-to-earth.

Why couldn't the engine hear?
It didn't have any engineers.

You want me to just tell you what time it is? No way!
Not on my watch.

Last night I was out for a run and noticed some fog trying to catch up to me
Luckily it mist.

I bought a dog from a blacksmith
As soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door

Running into stationary objects can be painful...
According to a recent pole

Give King Ghidorah Jekyll's potion
That's a Hydera

Sargent said fire at will!
But why? He didnt do anything to deserve that.