Why do actors say break a leg instead of good luck?
Well, if you break a leg before auditioning for a role, you get casted!
This sub makes me look like an idiot geniusA couple years ago, one of my coworkers brought in her 6m baby. As I was gushing, I asked, "Did the doctors tell you about her kidneys?"
She got a bit confused and just looked at me.
"She was born with four kidneys."
A short look of panic followed
"But in about 18 years, two of them will turn into adult knees."
Tony (his real name, cause it doesn't matter) bent over with laughter. Couldn't really tell that he bent over though, cause he's so short
Fast forward to last week and I see Tony in the hallway at work. He starts telling me about he pulled off, "the kidney joke," with his newborn nephew and he can't stop laughing about it. So I say to him...
"Oh man, I bet you gave an excellent delivery, cause you're pretty much in the same situation."
He looks at me confused...
"You were born without shins, that's why they call you toe knee, isn't it?"
My mom's two sisters told me that if, for any reason, I am incapacitated, one will sit by my side day and night. The other will go out and destroy whoever put me in that state.
They are my vigil aunties.
i drove 75 miles in a snowstorm to get a part for my computer.
it was a hard drive.
When I become President, I will make it mandatory for everyone to keep a musical instrument in their cars while they drive them.
I want to cause traffic jams.
Accidentally swallowed 2 pieces of string and they came out tied together!
I shit you knot.
My wife asked me: What starts with F and ends in K.
I said: No it doesnt.
Asked my wife if she knew that Bruce Lee had a brother who didnt tolerate joking around. She rolled her eyes and said, Seriously?
Im like, Oh youve heard of him!
My wife said she would divorce me if I didnt get over my obsession with flamingos
So I had to put my foot down. . .
Why haven't aliens visited our solar system yet?they checked the reviews.....
one star
I thought this terrible one up this morning. Sorry in advanceWhy do egg whites never try to be funny?
Because nobody will get their yolks!
I will see myself out
What do you call a male mermaid?
A Mer-man. But if hes fancy, hes a Sea-nior.
Three months ago, I joined a 12-step Broadway musical addiction recovery program.
Right now, I'm on step five, six, seven, eight.
What do funeral homes have you do before you get creamated?
Urn it
How do you organize a space party?
You "planet"!
People not thinking grass be wet in the morning
But it dew
Do you know what mammoths ate during the ice age?
Frozen dinners.
Why are mountains so funny?
Theyre hill areas.
Where does Walmart keep the Terminator toys?
aisle b, back
What kind of tree does a math teacher climb?
a geometry
If you serve a rubber turkey, what day is it?
Pranksgiving
Why are redheads not allowed in South Korea?
Everyone knows that gingers have no Seoul.
I think I was born upside downMy feet smell and my nose runs.
You might think this is funny but its snot.
Being unemployed was tough but I got a new job repairing porcelain
My future is in pieces but I'm putting it back together.