Scientists have recently noticed that crows are not making as much noise.
Researchers are busy looking for the cause.

Today I turned 32 but I only celebrated for 30 seconds.
After all it's my thirty-second birthday!

How beautiful was Mount Rushmore before it was sculpted?
Its beauty was unpresidented.

I told my therapist I think Im addicted to Instagram.
She said, Im sorry. I dont think Im following you.

What is the most dangerous kind of canoe?
A volcanoe

[I'm looking for more puns like this where its a word in word pun/joke. It doesn't have to be a canoe joke. ]

Did you know trees poop in the woods?
Yup, it's how we get Number 2 pencils...

How long can you live without drinking water?
Your entire life.

Badjoke
My son is helping me troubleshoot some Python code not working on my PC.

So we figured we better reload the software and I noticed that it's downloading Python ver 3.14.

"Oh version 3.14... guess maybe they should have called it *Pi-thon*" I said.

"Guess what -- they did!"

"No, I meant "P", "I" "thon"

you know, cuz it's ver 3.14"

Big sigh.

(I like to think it's because he's not a dad yet, but it's really just because its terrible)

I guess I *code* have done better for sure.

Hopefully my son learned from this. No matter how crappy a dadjoke is, its our duty to be persistent and capitalize on every opportunity.

Three pregnant women are in the waiting room waiting for their first ultrasound...
Brunette: "I know I'm going to have a boy, because my husband was on top."

Redhead: "I know it's gonna be a girl 'cause I was on top."

Blonde: "Oh no, I'm having puppies..."

Twice a week
Twice a week a guy shows up a border crossing on a motorcycle with a sand bag in each saddle bag. Dogs dont hit on it, inspections never find anything. Still twice a week this dude shows up at the crossing. Finally a border agent says to him " Listen man we all know you must be smuggling something just none of us can figure it out. Todays my last day before retirement and I have to know. I won't say anything to anyone but my curiosity is killing me. What on earth are you smuggling? Guy leans in and says "Motorcycles "

I have no idea how dishwasher tablets work
Ive already taken 5 of them and I dont feel like doing the dishes

Its another hot day, so ive walked upstairs, taken all my clothes off and opened every window...
I feel so much better, although the other people on the double decker bus don't seem so pleased!

Have you seen the new sequel to "James and the Giant Peach" with a soundtrack by Bon Jovi
It's called "Livin' on a Pear"

Happened in the Caribbean
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea one called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian,
Im fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldnt have any worries about being eaten.
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, Your wish is granted and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.
All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin didnt realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldnt see his old pal.
Wheres Christian? he asked. Hes at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark, came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christians abode.
As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back.
He banged on the door and shouted, Its me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.
Christian replied, No way man, youll eat me. Youre now a shark, the enemy, and Ill not be tricked into being your dinner.
Justin cried back No, Im not. That was the old me. Ive changed.
Ive found Cod. Im a prawn again Christian

People told me to do what I love and the money will follow.
Four kids later, Im still waiting on the money.

I was going to try starting an all-almond diet
But I realized that's just nuts

I'd like to think I'm the bad boy type but I'm not a felon.
You could say I'm a mistermeanor.

Lost my job as a masseuse today
Manager said I rubbed people the wrong way

What did the magician say to his assistant after the show?
"You're not half the woman you used to be!"

Did you hear about the gardener that went crazy?
She was hearing voices in her shed.

Why did the wizard kiss his date a few inches below her jawline?
He was a neck romancer.

Why are there no painkillers in the elite airborne infantry of the British Army.
The paras eat em all.

What do you get for winning the not-moving-at-all championship?
Atrophy.

Married Life
After a meeting I was coming out of a hotel and I was looking for my car keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room it wasn't there.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. My husband has shouted many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is, the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen.

Immediately I rushed to the parking lot, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, car number and description of the place where I parked etc. I equally confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, to my husband!!!
"Honey," I stammered; I always call him "honey" in times like these.
"I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.
"Idiot", he shouted, "I dropped you at the hotel!"

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

He shouted again, "I will, as soon as I manage to convince this policeman that I have not stolen your car."

I married my wife for her looks
But not the ones I have been getting lately