Wife: Did you know it takes 5 sheep just to make one sweater?
Me: I didn't even know they could knit!

My favorite Roman emperor stopped aging at the age of 19
Emperor Constant Teen

I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?"
I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"

A woman fainted and fell onto the baggage carousel at the airport.
But she's slowly coming around now.

What do you call a plane full of bald people?
Receding Airlines

When my son came out as a girl, I told her she could not longer see me.
It's cause I became transparent.

When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, Ha! Thats not going to help! I replied, Sure, it does.
Its the only way I can see the numbers.

What kind of breast exam is given by polite doctors?
A yes maammogram.

I messaged my wife from Victorias Secret. Hey babe whats your cup size? She replied, .y?
I wrote, damn, they dont carry that.

Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar.
I mean, she always said she wanted a night inshining armor.

I'm not a huge fan of Rapunzel.
I do like Hiphopunzel though.

What would this country be if every car was pink?
A pink carnation

What does a xenomorph celebrate every year?
Their burstday.

My algebra teacher was telling us a story about Y and its X.
Then along came Z, and the plot thickened.

What car do sushi chefs drive?
Rolls Rice.

The doctor that listened to my sons stomach said it was music to his ears
And that the airpods that he swallowed should come out naturally.

The message "Do not touch". This must be very stressful for a
blind person who reads braille.

Did you know that the inventor of the door knocker
Won the Nobel prize?

Goodbye
An old friend of mine had decided he was fed up with constant pain from various health issues and decided to go to the Euthanasia clinic in Switzerland. He just sent me a message saying that he gets the injection later today but he was a little upset about his final breakfast, he said that the bastards gave him a bowl of Cheerios.

Did you hear about the criminal breaking into his own house?
It was a work from home day.

I dont mind learning algebra
But graphing is where I draw the line.

What city will not stop talking?
Spokane

My cat keeps singing all day.
It's her favorite song.

Pur Elise

I asked his girl out for coffee. She said: Great, how about 10 tomorrow?
10 is a mental amount of coffees to drink. Date cancelled.

Two guys walk into a bar. "Hey donkey get the beers" shouts one guy to the other. The barman says to the guy, "That's a bit mean, why does he call you donkey?"
And the man replies "It's OK, he aw ... he aw ... he always calls me donkey"