My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic...
But if I'm gonna have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.

Dad jokes can be NSFW. And i'm gonna say why.
Why

A photographer was crushed today when a massive block of cheddar fell on him.
To be fair, the people he was photographing tried to warn him.

Dating a girl who used cedar instead of silicone for breast implants would be weird
wooden tit.

Over 100 years ago, two brothers announced they could fly.
Turns out they were Wright.

Next week is Diarrhea Awareness Week.
Runs until Friday

I once dated a girl with a wooden leg
It was going well for a while, but eventually we broke it off.

I refuse to go to funerals
I'm just not a mourning person

I used to have a job delivering Eggs Benedict
Yup, those were my haulin days

There's this misconception that goldfish have short term memory loss.
But also the misconception that goldfish have short term memory loss.

A farmer tells his neighbor, "My horse is so smart, he can count."
"No way!" "Watch." The farmer asks, "Horse, what's 2 + 3?" The horse stomps his hoof five times. The neighbor is amazed. "What's 4 + 4?" The horse stomps eight times. "Incredible!" Then the neighbor asks, "What's the square root of 1?"

The horse looks at him for a moment and says:

" Are you kidding me? I'm just a horse"

What are the odds Eminem becomes a transgender Catholic?
Slim to Nun?

My girlfriend told me what she likes in a man.
My girlfriend told me last night that she loves it when men pull up their sleeves and show their forearms.

Well that's me screwed - I only have two.

I rushed my pregnant wife to the hospital as soon as she told me she couldnt, wouldnt, and shouldnt stay at home any more.
I knew right then and there that she was having too many rapid contractions.

Went to a diner with a couple I know. They started arguing.
Normally, I'm not one to take sides, but they were so distracted by yelling at each other that I stole her fries and his cole slaw...

I truly hate escalators in malls
I take steps to avoid them

"I can hear fruits talking."
"So what does this orange say?"

"No idea. It's speaking Mandarin."

Scene in a western saloon
A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whiskey. When the bartender brought the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?"

The bartender answered, "They've all gone to the hanging." "Hanging? Who are they hanging?" "Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.

"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked. "Well," said the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers, and brown paper shoes and socks."

"That's strange. What are they hanging him for?" the cowboy asked.

"Rustling." said the bartender.

Photography.
I used to be a photographer, but I couldnt focus.

Dreamt last night I was a muffler
Woke up exhausted.....

Last night I accidentally drank some invisible ink
I went to the hospital and I waited all night to be seen.

What do you call a fake potato?
An imitater!

My optometrist isnt getting many customers
Theyre suffering from a low eye queue..

The police have a report of a lady without underwear climbing a ladder.
They said officers are following up on this.

A bear and a rabbit
Are taking a dump in the woods.

The bear says to the rabbit, Do you ever have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?

The rabbit says no, I dont. Why do you ask?

Without answering the bear leans over, picks up the rabbit, and wipes his arse with him.