Somebody threw a beer at Donald Trump today
Don't worry, it was a draft. He was able to dodge it.

So my wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but..
turns out she just wanted to do laundry.

So I folded.

In 3,024 years, life will either be really good or really bad.
Its 5050.

Football
Today I discovered two things about the Actor Yul Bruner, 1)- He was a lifelong Liverpool Football Club Supporter. And 2)- He never wore Aftershave. Thats right Yul never wore cologne.

My wife said quilts are better than duvets.
I said she should be more careful making blanket statements.

I'm going to Mexico and I want to swim with the dolphins. My wife actually wanted to swim with the sharks but they are too expensive
I hear it costs an arm and a leg

Con is the opposite of pro.
So the opposite of progress is congress.

What do you call a man who can lift up a car?
Jack

I've been diagnosed with a fear of giants
Feefiphobia

How do pirates cover their booty?
With plunderwear.

My wife keeps blowing everything out of proportion.
She is single-handedly ruining my balloon animal business.

What was more important than the first telephone invented?
The second telephone

A gymnast walks into a bar.
The judge says, "Zero points".

A rabbit, a priest, and a minister all go to a blood drive. The greeter says, do you know your blood type?
The rabbit says, I think Im a type O.

How do you send a caterpillar 100 feet into the air?
You put it on its back.

Death
How can Funeral Directors increase the funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living. I just cant work it out.

Imagine dying by eating lots of breads in France
Indeed a lot of pain to go through :)

I recently visited a US state north of Texas and south of Kansas.
It wasnt great but it was OK.

I swear, y'all are going to get me arrested and sent to jail someday.
For involuntary manslaughter.

I was confronted by a beggar today when I left hospital. He aggressively said,any change mister?
I replied, yes I feel a lot better now.

What does it say on a blues man's tombstone?
Didn't Wake Up This Morning

I got a new haircut yesterday and I didnt like it at first
But its starting to grow on me.

What do you call a snake that is 3.14m long?
A pi-thon

Beware the Ides of March
Brutus asked Caeser how many burgers he ate today. Caeser replied, "Et tu, Brute."

I have a new funny joke to share but I shall not.
Its groan on me now.