Fun fact: Koi fish always travel in groups of 4.
If attacked, the A B and C koi will scatter, leaving behind the D koi.

God originally wanted cows to make honey. But they were always moody after making milk
So he went with plan bee

A man was out in his backyard digging a deep hole
A man was out in his backyard digging a deep hole when he suddenly struck something hard. He cleared away the dirt to find a heavy, wooden chest. With trembling hands, he pried it open and found it was filled to the brim with gold coins and ancient jewelry.

Overjoyed, he was about to drop his shovel and run inside to tell his wife the incredible news that they were finally rich beyond their wildest dreams. But then, he paused, looked back down at the deep hole he had been working on all afternoon, and remembered exactly why he was digging in the garden in the first place.

Why do mermaids wear seashells?
Because they grew out of their B shells.

What do you call a midsize vehicle with 4 wheels, a flat bed in back, and hops off the ground about once every 20-30 seconds?
A hiccup truck

In the morning, the executioner reads his newspaper and eats breakfast. Then he looks at his watch and says to his wife:
"Alright, it's time to head off."

My favorite dad joke
Ive said it for years and no one in my family laughs. Every time I drive by a car dealership early in the morning or late at night, I point to all the cars in the lot and loudly remark how crazy it is that theyre so busy.

My mom told me, to never ride my bike near the mental health hospital.
She said that there are dangerous cycle paths there.

Englishmen dies and arrives at those pearly gates...
An English man dies and arrives at the pearly gates where St Peter greets him with "ok I have reviewed your life and you were decent enough, no mortal sins, but you did a few bad things so you have to go to purgatory for a year then you can enter heaven"

The Englishman thinks for a second and asks "can I see heaven quickly first so I know what I will get" and St Peter says OK and opens the Pearly gates. The Englishman looks into heaven and sees beautiful clear blue skies, prestine beaches with beautiful bikini clad women under palm trees sipping cocktails. Looks great he says. He thinks for a bit more and asks can he see hell as well so he can see what he avoided. St Peter says we don't get many such requests but why not and opens a door leading downwards.

The Englishman enters hell sees beautiful clear blue skies, prestine beaches with beautiful bikini clad women under palm trees sipping cocktails.

Looks great he says so what's the problem with hell? He sees the devil in a beach chair under a palm tree and goes up to him and asks "why is hell so nice?"

The Devil responds "Bonjour l'Anglais. En enfer, on vit bien, mais il faut parler franais en permanence."

What does one call an unsophisticated pickle?
A dillbilly

Did you know Yoda had a last name?
It was Layheehoo.

A woman was found guilty in court of a traffic violation, and when asked for her occupation, she said she was a school teacher.
The judge rose from the bench and said: Maam, I have waited years for a school teacher to appear before this court.

Why is that Your Honor? asked the teacher.

The judge smiled with delight and said: Im going to need you to sit down at that table and write I will not run red a light 500 times.

A one L Lama is a religious leader. A two LL Llama is a humped animal. What is a three L lama?
A really big fire.

I accidentally sprayed axe body spray in my mouth
Now I talk with an axe scent.

What did the person that illegally downloaded the entire Wikipedia say when getting arrested?
"Wait! I can explain everything!"

Did you hear about the painter who was hired to do a portrait of Ricardo Montelban in Star Trek?
He was a Khan artist

My wife told me that she doesnt poop...
I think shes full of crap.

While hiking in the mountains of Spain, i found a lot of plastic numbers scattered everywhere along all of the trails. When i got back to the trailhead, I asked the ranger, why I only saw the numbers 1, 2,4,5,6,7,8, and 9. The ranger explained:
We have a strict leave no tres policy

I bought Mandalorian steel on the black market to make an automobile.
It's the beskar I've ever made.

Whats a pirates favorite clothing material?
Yarrrrrn!

I asked the librarian if they have any books on paranoia
She whispered, Theyre right behind you.

What kind of magazines do cows read?
cattle-logs

I dont celebrate international womans day
My wife is domestic.

That new wristband is so ugly, I simply cannot allow you to use it.
Not on my watch.

People tell me not to put "Short Skirt/Long Jacket" on my Weird Al playlist.
But I will have my Cake and Eat It too.