To stop ants from coming into your home, leave a saucer of milk outside. The adult ants drink it and it has an effect on ant reproduction. The young ants are born without toes so they can't climb into your house walls.
The effect is called "lacked toes in toddler ants."

George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey get together to make a movie.
Clooney says, "I'll direct."

DiCaprio says, "I'll act."

McConaughey says, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."

What do you call a 7 with the flu?
A sick seven

I identify as condescending.
My pronouns are there/there.

I had a debate with a flat earther. He said hell walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong
Im sure hell come around.

Racecar backwards is still Racecar...
But racecar upside-down is expensive.

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, theres a long break in the ledge they cant cross. Something for this I have. Yoda says.
He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yodas hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yodas garden.

Something I have for this. Yoda says again.

Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole.

Yoda and Luke return to Yodas home, where Yoda looks through his bag.

Hes used all his forks but one, he discovers.

Thats ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. Ill write us a note reminding us to buy more.

So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board.

He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror.

Master Yoda! he asks. What did I do wrong?

Yoda replies sagely, A Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!

Im reading a book about anti-gravity
I cant put it down.

A woman was arrested for laughing like a man.
She was charged with manslaughter.

Those thugs stole my bible and I can't get it back. There are too many of them!
They've got Numbers.

Did you hear about the secret intelligence operation that had dads going around telling jokes to destabilise foreign governments?
Its called sigh ops

The other day, a homeless man asked me for a dollar.
I told him that I only carry big bills. He asked me for one of those, so I gave him my electric bill.

I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because the weights are too heavy.
I just handed in my too weak notice.

Shoutout to my grandparents.
Because that's the only way they can hear me.

When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, Ha! Thats not going to help! I replied, Sure, it does.
Its the only way I can see the numbers.

The phrases "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" usually mean the same thing...
...except when you're at a funeral.

Sometimes I keep my crazy to myself.
Other times I share it online with you guys.

An old guy walks into the bar and says to the bartender
I feel nostalgic. Give me a draft of your best vintage beer.

Ok Mack! Heres a PBR. The bartender draws a cold one and puts it in front of the old guy, who promptly drinks it down.

What do you think?

Wow! he says. Thats a blast from the Pabst!

I wont go to another funeral
Theyre not going to come to mine, so why should I go to theirs?

There was a shooting at the White House Correspondence Dinner tonight...
Kash Patel went running in because he heard there were free shots.

I submitted 10 jokes for a competition. Out of all of them, I thought maybe one of them would qualify.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Some people pick their nose
I was born with mine

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords today
I had to ground him. Hes currently doing better, but he's still a bit shocked.

What did 50 Cent do when he got hungry?
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