I'm at the age where I no longer care if I look good in photos...
I just wanna look good in CT scans, MRIs, and X-rays...
A hacker once called me and said he has all my passwords
I said, "WHAT!? Hold on. Let me get a pen. Now, what are they again?"
Me: "Dad, can you spell wonton backwards?"
Dad: "Not now."
My girlfriend accused me of having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerwchllyndrobwllllandysiliogogogoch.
I said, "How can you say such a thing?!"
Thought Id try and get a Broadway award for a fake play about pasta.
Turns out you cant rigatoni.
How do you fix a broken jack-o-lantern?
With a pumpkin patch
What did Ken from Street Fighter say when I asked if I could get his autograph?
SURE YOU CAN!!!
A pony goes to the doctor with a sore throat
The doc says Its ok, dont worry. Youre just a little horse.
When speaking to someone in Spanish, make sure you use Mucho
It means a lot to them
If Dr Dre was a real doctor
He would perform hip hoperations.
Victim after robbery: They stole everything from my house besides the soaps and towels
Police: These crooks must be dirty!
Why did the quarterback's girlfriend break up with him?
Because he Blue 42.
WENT TO A BODY PART Themed Store, and got a...
Footstool, an Armchair and a REALLY nice Headboard. What you get?
What do you call a sleepwalking priest?
A Roaming Catholic
Pie pricesDid you know that a slice of apple pie costs $3.50 in Jamaica? A slice costs $2.75 in Puerto Rico. And, in Trinidad, it costs $3.00.
Those are the pie-rates of the Caribbean.
Packing for my trip to Peru
and my friend warned me that it would get cold in the Andes. I replied, "Alpaca coat."
Pair of jumper cables walk into a bar, bartender says I am fine to serve you but
But you better not start anything .
Coins.Today I found a coin with bite marks all over it
I guess it was a bitcoin.
My son doesn't say much to me anymore
He now uses "a lot" and "plenty" instead
My wife begged me to stop quoting Rolling Stones song titles every time we spoke.
I said OK, this will be The Last Time.
Why did the bullet lose its job?
It got fired!
A man goes to buy a parrot
but gets tricked into buying an owl instead. A few days later, someone asks him, So, does your parrot talk? He replies, No, but hes a fantastic listener!
What jam can't you eat?
Traffic
What kind of invertebrates never get cold?
The warm