My son showed me a picture of his new girlfriend
She was dressed in full hockey gear including pads, a mask, gloves and a blocker.

I said "congratulations. She looks like a keeper."

I got gas for $1.49 today
Unfortunately it was from Taco Bell

I asked my husband to explain "active verbs" to me, but after his explanation
I know I'm fucking stupid.

I was born with four kidneys
Now I have two kidneys and two adult knees

What is a police officers favorite thing to wear?
A pull over

My wife told me it was my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers or her
So I quit cold turkey

Fork lift operator has been out of work for sometime
Hope things will pick up soon

Even though I hate it, I just default to using Google's browser on every device I own. I don't even try to customise it to make it better.
I think I must have stock Chrome syndrome.

What do you call two pairs of underwear getting into a fight?
Boxers.

Why did the ape go to prison?
He was running a chimponzi scheme.

What do you call Greek yogurt created by pigs?
Oinkos.

What do you call a mermaid that's really good at her job?
Efishent.

I made a belt out of watches and showed my wife.
She called it a waist of time.

Went to Oktoberfest in traditional attire. Was asked if I was wearing Leiderhosen.
I said, no, those are at home. These are my NOWhosen.

A chicken was found dead in his coop.
He was a victim of fowl play

Amazingly - scientists have grown human vocal cords in a Petri dish
Amazingly - scientists have grown human vocal cords in a Petri dish

The results speak for themselves

When I was a child, I was made to walk the plank.
We couldn't afford a dog.

Why did Betty and Veronica fly to Mexico for a concert?
They heard it was a marry Archie band.

"it looks like he is attempting to write like Edgar Allan"
"yes, poe-try"

Teacher: What is the most important punctuation mark?
Johnny: The period?

Teacher: Can you tell me

why?

Johnny: I don't know, but when my sister missed one of hers, my mom fainted, my dad got mad, and the neighbor left town and never came back.

My stepson set me up perfectly
My wife enjoys butterscotch pudding for dessert, and since I love my wife, I made some for her last night.

She finished eating some of it and called my stepson downstairs to put the remainder in the fridge for her.

He came in, grabbed the container, and started coughing(he's allergic to the world and has had post nasal drip all week). When he started coughing, the wife said "Don't cough on my pudding!"

To which I said "Yeah! It's butterscotch flavored, not coffee flavored!"

Fellow Dad's the groan my wife made sounded like she was possessed of the devil. She then threw something at me and said I wasn't allowed to talk for the rest of the night.

I heard that all the rain we had this year has made it hard for owls to find mates
Apparently it's too wet to woo

Did you hear about the tennis player who lost a ball?
Now when he plays he leans a bit to the left

I used to guide tour groups through Jesuss tomb.
But theres just no prophet in it.

My brother and I used to stretch a string between two tin cans. I would hold one tin can up to my ear while he yelled into the other.
Which is probably why I suffer from tinnitus