Son: Dad, I think the bougie man is under the bed? Dad: Don't you mean the boogeyman?
Voice from under the bed: Wow, the thread count on these sheets is PATHETIC.

I found my physics professor face down on his desk crying before class. I put my hand on his shoulder and asked, Hey, whats the matter?
He looked up at me and said, Anything that has mass and takes up space.

Whats the difference between a joke and a dick?
I cant take a joke

A guy just came to my door trying to sell solar panels. I said I'm not interested. He asked if I wanted a pamphlet anyway.
I said, bro sure.

I started a factory making flip-flops for people with one leg.
It was a flop.

My teacher told me I could never do poetry because of my dyslexia.
But so far, I've made three cups and a vase...so "there" Mr. Peterson!

I always wanted to be a Gregorian monk...
...but I never got the chants.

You cant trust law abiding citizens.
They lack convictions.

Why do farts smell?
So deaf people can enjoy them too.

My buddy David had his ID stolen.
We just call him Dav now.

A drill achieves its goal..
Bit by Bit

Figuring out complex math equations under the influence of alcohol can be dangerous
Please don't drink and derive

I almost died from radiation poisoning.
My half-life flashed before my eyes.

A man went to hospital because both his ears were burnt
The doctor asked him what happened.

The man said "Well, I was ironing my shirt and the phone rang...I wasn't paying attention and accidentally put the iron to my ear...ouch!"

The doctor said "That explains why one ear's burnt...what about the other one?"

The man said "Well...then I had to call the ambulance"

What did the quiet orange say to the noisy orange?
Be quiet. I'm concentrating.

Did you know the race between the turtle and the rabbit was actually pretty close?
The tortoise only won by a "hare".

What's the weather like?
The weather likes chocolate.

(please be considerate, this was my first English joke, when I was learning English as a second language when I was 11 years old)

Did you hear about the guy who got a viagra stuck in his throat?
Yeahs, he is suffering from a stiff neck now

Why do treehouses make the most convenient credit unions
They have plenty of branches

A man walks into a bar with a termite on his shoulder
The bartender warns the man about it being there.

The man says "oh this is my pet termite, his name is Clint."

"Why Clint?" asks the bartender.

"Because he (Clint) eats wood."

My friend asked why my black bird was so small.
I said, "Because it's my crow."

Luke Skywalker never dreamed hed get to meet the Emperor.
So when it finally happened, he was shocked.

I never shouldve taken that job as a dragon tamer.
I got fired almost immediately.

Why dont Oranges need glasses?
Because they have plenty of Vitamin See.

Ive just finished converting my old Landrover to electric by swapping the diesel engine for the motor from a tumble dryer.
It wouldn't start at first, but then I realised I hadn't shut the door properly.
Just going to take it for a spin . . .