My Bluetooth speaker wasnt working, so I threw it into the lake.
Now its syncing

I asked a supermarket worker where they kept the tinned peaches.
He said, "I'll see," and walked away.

I asked another and he also said, "I'll see," and walked away.

In the end I gave up and found them myself, in Aisle C.

My wife is furious with me. She realized I was cheating when she found the letter that I had hidden.
Were never playing Scrabble again.

What do you call a psychic who only sees good futures?
An optimystic.

One vintage joke about a very old man
Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident. I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said, "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident. I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."

My 12 year old son didn't want to tell me a joke about a German hot dog.
He said it was the wurst.

Proud tears of joy ran down my face.

I have two cousins who want to date me.
I guess that makes me relatively attractive.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is at a sushi restaurant staring at his plate. Frustrated, he waves over a waiter.
Waiter Is there something wrong with your order sir?
Arnold Its not a tuna!

I used to be afraid of hurdles.
But I got over it.

I saw a math teacher with graph paper.
I think she was plotting something.

Why didn't the turkey eat dessert?
He was already stuffed.

If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep...
That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning

My mother-in-law has been staring through the window ever since it started to snow
If it gets any worse I'll have to let her in.

I write a lot of my jokes on my iphone...
but it's always fucking up the lunch line.

At dinner, my date told me that she was more of a dog person.
Which later explained the leg humping.

How to lions get fast food?
From deer-dash obviously !

Did you hear about the blonde who identified as a boat?
She was a little dinghy!

Biology joke
Fat cells don't go through mitosis if your body must create new ones they are created by stored preadipocyte cells (committed adipose progenitor cells) that are a type of precursor cell that isn't technically fat. The way you gain/lose weight isn't that cells are created/destroyed but instead the cells you have in your system expand/shrink (hypertrophy/hypotrophy) which means technically I'm not fat I'm just big celled.

Thought my kid would be thrilled when the flight attendant invited him to check out the brand new cockpit before taking off.
Turns out he found it was pretty Boeing.

Did you want to become more than acquaintances?
I'm asking for a friend.

It is weird to see signs that say "In case of fire, don't use elevator".
Everyone knows water is better to put on fires than an elevator.

My daughter: That Beethoven was so nice, not claiming copyright on people using his music.
Me: Oh no, he wouldn't hear of it...

My dog is so dumb.
Weve played 73 games of chess and shes only beaten me once.

I met a Polish sound engineer..
..and a Czech one too

I've damaged my hearing from too much loud music
It's eareversible