My dog frequently helps me out when I forget things. This morning while I was in my car he came sprinting down the driveway. I asked what is it today boy?
Dog: *pants*

What do you call sixty minutes of pain?
An oww-ur

Went to the doctor with a suspicious looking mole
He said they all look that way and I should have left him in the garden.

When I worked in the Netherlands I had Eggs Benedict most days for breakfast. Sadly we dont have it very often back in the UK.
How I miss my Holland days!

HAPPY INTERNATIONAL CAPS LOCK DAY!
Sorry, didn't mean to yell

What room will you never find in a zombie's house?
The living room.

It is with great sadness that I have to mention the loss of a few local businesses.
A local bra manufacturer has gone bust, a submarine company has gone under, a manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation, a dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers and a company supplying paper for origami enthusiasts has folded. Do you know of any others??

I've reduced my wine consumption to just one glass before bed
I went to bed 7 times last night

At dinner, my date told me her favorite yoga pose involves balancing on one leg, pressing her palms together above her head, and slowly twisting her body. Its called the drill, and believe it or not, I invented it.
I said, Thats a bit of a stretch.

My suspicious wife asked how our lawn stays vibrantly green all year while the neighbors turn brown every winter. I said, Well, I could try to convince you that I actually understand soil composition, or how I mastered the watering schedule all while studying mower blade sharpening techniques
but I dye grass.

I stole someones marmalade
I didnt like it though. Its just not my jam

My girlfriend punched me in the face while she was on her period
I think she was just ovary acting

I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81.
​

He said no.

How do you fix a broken pumpkin?
With a pumpkin patch

We have got to stop with the smelling twelve donuts joke.
It dozen make scents.

I accidentally handed my girlfriend the glue stick instead of the chapstick
She still isnt speaking to me

Someone fainted on my flight
I was on the plane last night and someone fainted. I heard the stewardess shout

Is there a doctor on the plane?

The guys next to me piped up.

I am a doctor of English

Do you know CPR? She asks

Maam, I know the whole alphabet the man said proudly

What is the fastest city in the world?
Velocity!

Very few people talk about the benefits of eating dried grapes
It's all about raisin awareness

I keep getting into it with my dentist who happens to also be a carpenter
They keep fighting me tooth and nail on everything

I used to love chopping wood, but I cant do it anymore.
It gives me a splitting headache.

How do cows stay up to date?
They read the Moo-spaper.

A man goes to a space convention
He tells a joke about the challenger, and it doesnt land. However, when he told it on television, it blew up.

If youre considering coloring someones hair as a career choice
its a dyeing industry

Has anyone seen a really mean skeleton?
I have a bone to pick with him