I just read that someone in the new York gets stabbed every 50 seconds
Poor guy

At breakfast, my kid asked what happens when Capn Crunch dies. I told her hell get a proper Quaker Oats naval send-off. What does that mean? she asked.
I said, Hell be berried at sea.

After my wife died I couldnt look at women for 20 years
But when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it

I recently joined a nudist colony
The first few days were the hardest

What type of geese dont fly?
Portuguese

I accidentally superglued my thumb and my forefinger,
I'll be OK for a while!

Police: "Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?"
Man: "The thief was spending less than my wife."

What does it mean if your pee is red?
It means urine trouble .

I tried out ten new puns to see if any would make my wife laugh
No pun in ten did.

A wizard told me why he became a magician in 2nd grade.
He loves spelling.

I hate when people use double negatives.
Thats a big no-no.

A patient rushed in and said, Doc, you gotta help me - a witch turned me into testicles!!
I thought, man, this guy is nuts.

Why was Salmon expelled from the school of Fishes?
He smoked

Why did the chicken attend the sance
To get to the other side

People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise.
Dawn is tough on Greece.

My wife blocked me because I keep posting bird puns on reddit
Well, toucan play at that game

I was going to tell a joke about sodium
But Na

My nan used to say, "an apple a day keeps the doctor away."
I don't know if that's true, or if it's one of granny's myths.

I didn't believe that i was swiming in Egypt
But i was in the Nile

Spiderman has asked Superman to help him battle an enemy hiding in the basement under a church...
But Superman can't go near the crypt to night.

Why did the pediatrician always lose his temper?
Because he has little patients

I recently lost a phalange on my foot, had it replaced with a fake one, and took a picture of it to send to my wife.
I took a photo of my faux toe.

Does anyone know the true reason that Rogues in Dungeons & Dragons wear leather armor?
Its cause its made of hide.

I read in the news this morning that someone broke into the Sheriff's office and smashed up all the urinals. Authorities are investigating
But so far they have nothing to go on.

Advice for kids: if you see someone drowning - quickly give them a root beer.
Because root beer floats.