I told my bed were just friends
but we still end up sleeping together every night.
I remember when air was free to use at a gas station. Today i paid $3 to put air in my tire. Do you know why we are paying for air ?
Inflation
I take a ruler to bed with me every night....
...so in the morning I can find out how long I slept.
There was a 60's sitcom about a family of cheese makers.
The Muensters.
G-R-O-A-N...

  1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.

  2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.

  3. Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.

  4. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.

  5. If youre bad at haggling, youll end up paying the price.

  6. Just so everyones clear, Im going to put my glasses on.

  7. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.

  8. I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.

  9. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.

  10. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.

  11. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.

  12. My friends and I have named our band Duvet. Its a cover band.

  13. I lost my girlfriends audiobook, and now Ill never hear the end of it.

  14. Why is dark spelled with a k and not c? Because you cant see in the dark.

  15. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.

  16. When I told my contractor I didnt want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.

  17. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, Oh no, not U2 again.

  18. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, its a whole sentence.

  19. Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a persons walk, and the result was staggering.

  20. Im trying to organize a hide-and-seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

  21. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I wont lie, it was a rocky road.

  22. What do you say to comfort a friend whos struggling with grammar? "There, theyre, their."

  23. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, Aisle B, back.

  24. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.

  25. Ive started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. Its all about raisin awareness.

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9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to treat grizzly bears unless its been given a STRONG anesthetic, proving true the old adage that
Theres safety in numb-bears.
Whats the maximum size of a mans hand?
Eleven and a half inches.

Any bigger than that Its a foot.

Why should you never fight a dinosaur?
Because you will get jurasskicked.
Boy: Dad, can you tell me what an eclipse is?
Dad: No Sun.
What should you do if you're addicted to seaweed?
Sea Kelp.
I don't think my wife wants me to lose weight...
... each time I tell her that I lost a few pounds, she says, "Keep it up!"
What did Michael Jackson say when the Mexican restaurant brought him the wrong dish?
Chilli beans is not my order!
The history of puns began,
..."Once a pun a time"
How do you paddle an ambiguous boat?
Either oar
I asked a famous ramen chef if he would teach me his signature dish
He said: I will shoyu the way
When does a medieval orgy end
When the knight has come
Why aren't Swedish guys good in bed?
Because they can't Finnish.
I got my wife again with another dad joke. This one legit pissed her off!
So I was sitting on my bed, one of her cats was on the chair and she was leaving the room:

Her looking at her cat: Awe! Look at you! With your little leggies tucked under you! You look like you're legless!

She walks away towards the bathroom,

Me: well then, he better get prepared for the adventure.

Her from the bathroom: what did you say?

Me: I said, he better get prepared for the adventure!

Her: what adventure?

Me: The one to Mordor!

Her: what the fuck are you talking about?!

Me (with massive shit eating grin she can't see): He better get ready for the adventure... You know... Because he's Leg-a-less!

Her: dead silence... oh, just fuck you! Fuck YOU! no seriously, you suck!

She then went to tell her dad what I had just done and said, and then gave me the stink eye for hours.

What's the difference between a man and a dog?
The one wears trousers, the other pants!
I would tell a dad joke about sheep...
But it would be pretty bhhaaaaaaad
What do you find in a sharks underwear?
Squid marks
Here is a corny dad joke I came up with years ago.
What did the farmer say at his speech?

"Ladies and Gentlemen lend me your ears!"

The crowd then began to throw corn at him.

Did you hear about the brass player with the swollen leg?
He was diagnosed with Deep Vein Trombosis.

^ Had a post-op blood clot scare today. Thought of this joke while at the hospital. Good news: I'm okay!

What fruit has fun on the slide?
A ki - weeeeeeeeee
My friend opened a seafood disco
Every night they drop the bass.