Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his meat grinder?
Needless to say, he got a little behind in his work.
I once got fired from my job just because I was eating chips while I was working.
And after that, I couldn't get a job at any of the other casinos either.
Did I tell you about my cousin who fell into an upholstery machine?
Dont worryhes fully re-covered!
What do you call a priest on a motorcycle?
Rev
Do you know why when geese fly in a flying-v formation one side is always longer than then other?
Because theres more geese on that side.
What do you call a camel with no humps?
Humphrey.
It's hard to find a good joke about vacuum cleaners.
They all suck.
What did the fish say when it swam into the concrete wall?
Dam!
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake in the morning
.... because they don't have any balls to scratch.
Do you know how a hamburger wears its hair?
In a bun!
When my son was getting ready for his first date, he asked, How do I look? I said, Great! Shell think youre an absolute 10. He said, What if I make her laugh so hard she pees a little?
I paused and said, Then youre an eight.
What did Luke Skywalker say when Chewbacca got buried under a landslide?
Guess thats the way the Wookiee crumbles
How do you call a priest, a pastor and a police officer in a very crowded bar?Loudly.
Otherwise they won't be able to hear you.
After kissing my wife on the couch she said lets take this upstairs.
Ok, I said. You grab one end and Ill grab the other.
I returned my box of Animal Crackers.
The seal was broken.
My wife was surprised to learn that my blood runs orange instead of red.
I guess she didnt realize I had carroted arteries.
Not all math jokes are bad
Just sum
What's the worst thing to do after a funeral?
Wake up.
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down.He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."
Te bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."
I told my doctor I heard buzzing in my head.
She said it's just a bug that's going around.
I once saw a 3,000 year old oil stain.
It was from Ancient Greece.
Catholics are missing a whole market of going into the community and bussing people to their services.
They can call it Mass Transportation
I invented a golf ball that sinks itself whenever it gets within 6 inches of a hole.
Was going great! Until I put one in my back pocket.
What's the worst city you can have for breakfast?
San Diego
Two girls run out of a lake house at the same speed, landing in the water exactly 25 feet from the shore and 25 feet from one another, all while looking each other straight in the eye. How is this possible?
The answer is truly a paradox