What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman

The painter
There was a famous artist in the prime of her career who started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.

After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office.

Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office.

During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?"

The ophthalmologist responded, I said to myself 'Thank God I'm not a proctologist.'"

Blind prostitutes..
You got to hand it to them

It's a shame nothing is built in the USA anymore...
I just bought a TV and it said "built-in antenna"

I can't decide if I want to sell my mattress or keep it.
I think I'll sleep on it.

I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldnt tell me why it crossed the road.

The smallest state in the US has decided to change the name of all of its traffic medians.
Theyll now be referred to as road islands.

My wife says I have 2 major faults
I don't listen. And euhm something else

I bet you cant tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time, a husband says to his wife.
She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, Your penis is bigger than your brothers

I used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Thankfully I was able to quit cold turkey.

Which country has women with the most amount of meat in their bodies?
Thighland.

I was a the zoo recently and saw 3 dinner rolls in a cage
A nearby sign said they were bread in captivity

Do you know that Jesus was originally named Gary
But then Mary stubbed her toe.

Did you hear about the new bakery that makes ordering really easy?
I ordered online, it was a piece of cake.

I have started a new campaign to educate people on the benefits of eating dried grapes.
Its all about raisin awareness.

What do you call a teenager who refuses to grow up?
Constantine.

Why couldn't two elephants go swimming?
They only had one pair of trunks.

As my family farming business grew, I asked with my daughter, "Should we start growing corn?"
She answered, "Maybe we can just play it by ear."

My son asked why my hair is turning gray.
I said, Every time you talk back, one hair turns gray.

He replied, So grandma mustve been through a nightmare.

I wanted to commission a family portrait
The cheapest painter I could find was known for sketching dogs and nothing else. But if hes the only painter I can afford then I guess

the labradoodle dudell do

Someone was at an Australian airport going through customs
Customs Agent: "Have you ever committed a felony?"

Person: "I didn't know that was still a requirement."

What did one eye say to the other eye?
Between us, something smells

I recently realised that the colours on the LGBTQIA+ flag are actually all straight
...unless it blows!

My new hobby
I recently took up beekeeping. To start my colony, I ordered a dozen bees and they gave me 13. It was a free bee.

A man who was in court for stealing a bag took just three minutes to get sentenced.
It was a briefcase.