A factory worker died after falling into a vat of coffee.
Paramedics said he didn't suffer - it was instant.

You know who really cared about making sure you got the Calvary vs cavalry distinction right?
Jesus Christ. It was a hill he was willing to die on.

I just discovered that the word 'nothing' is a palindrome...
Backwards it spells 'gnihton', which also means nothing.

My dad told me that if I did what I loved, I would never work a day in my life.
So i thanked him and just play video games in his basement all day every day.

My girlfriend crashed our car this morning.
When the police came she said the guy involved was on his mobile and eating a pie at the time.

The police advised her the guy was entitled to do what he wanted in his own living room.

What do you call a toothless bear?
A gummy bear.

Years ago, while shopping, I was struggling to find the merch from the new Terminator film... So i asked a member of staff to direct me...
He said 'Aisle B, Back'

Have you heard about the French suicide bomber?
Napoleon blownapart

I really wish drivers would learn not to tailgate ...
... besides, those red and blue flashing lights on your car look ridiculous!

What do cancer and my humour have in common?
Not everyone gets it.

Why was the basketball court all wet?
People kept dribbling all over it.

What does Donald trump call the people who dont support his plan to build giant monuments in Washington DC?
His Arch-Enemies

Why should you always have an extra pair of socks with you, when you go golfing?
In case you get a hole in one.

My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo.
I had to put my foot down.

I programmed a new pirates game.
It's an ARRRRRPG.

I got fired from the clock factory.
I thought putting in extra hours was supposed to be a good thing.

The laundry machine was full...
... because Denzel was washing tons.

i like to throw soy sauce at sad people ...
you know, Kikkoman when he's down

My uncle worked for Del Monte for 8 years. They are harsh!
He fell asleep on the production line just once and he got canned.

A guy in the construction zone is called Foreskin
Because when it's time to work it disappears

Our county used to have three medical examiners.
Now we only have one.

With todays economy, it seems everyone is

cutting coroners.

A friend of mine named his dog 5 Miles so he could tell people he walked 5 miles every day
But today he ran over 5 Miles

I tried to return a pair of worn Scooby Doo undies today but the shop wouldnt accept them
Id have gotten away with it if it wasnt for those pesky skids

I watched a YouTube video which I thought the guy was doing a long deep dive over the history of tighty whities...
...but it was brief.

As a terminal-heavy computer user, I wouldn't say that I play guitar.
But I use git, and I sometimes use tar. Does that weigh your opinion?