At dinner, I told my date I was trying to figure out what her favorite hobby might be. She leaned in, pounded her fist on the table and yelled, I MAKE JAM AND PUT IT IN TINY GLASS CONTAINERS!
It was jarring.
Sent this to my kids. Me: Knock knockYou. Whos there?
Me. Hike
You. Hike who?
Me: Unsuspecting kids
Dad waiting with bated breath
Sets the perfect trap
Used to be a taxi driver. I left it because
I was tired of people talking behind my back.
Ive discovered that all my pet peeves are either entomological or etymological.
Unfortunately, I can never remember which is which. And that really bugs me.
What did the cannibal do after dumping his gf?
Clean his ass.
IKEA MurderMy teenager had to write up a description of a crime scene for a forensics class. I suggested a crime scene inside an IKEA, where a jerk manager was bludgeoned by an employee, using a vase or something that has a vaguely Swedish name.
My middle-schooler: Ah, yes. The Mnkll.
Asked my wife to set up her dumbest single friend, Gina, to go on a date with my dumbest single friend Ralf.
Asked my wife to set up her dumbest single friend, Gina, to go on a date with my dumbest single friend Ralf. Gina shows up and Ralf says I like your blonde hair, is that natural. Gina replied: No, I wore this wig for our blonde date....how did you know? Ralph takes off his dark glasses and folds up his guide cane and says, oh, sorry, I thought it was a blind date.
A friend of mine makes Moebius strips for living.
It is a strange way to make ends meet.
If you accidentally drop an ice cube, just kick it under the refrigerator.
Soon it'll just be water under the fridge.
I've decided to sell all my Limbo dancing equipment for just $10.
That's the lowest I can go.
Which countrys capital has the fastest-growing population?
Ireland. Every day its Dublin!
I swear, if anyone ever steals my hairpiece again...
...there will be hell toupe.
My wife is mad because I programmed her audiobook app to reduce the speaker volume after every chapter
and now I'll never hear the end of it.
Why did the two vowels get married?
Because iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii! Will always love uuuuuuuuuuuuuuu! Wooooooooo! Will always love UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU! ( Whitney Houston version)
Why can't skeletons lie?
Because you can see right through them.
I have to bragI was at an art festival with my girlfriend this weekend. At a jewelry booth a woman walked up and asked if they had a claddagh. (Irish love ring.) The booth owner asked, "What's a claddagh?" Before anyone could respond I immediately said "What's a claddagh with you?"
My girlfriend laughed. I was so happy.
I dropped a gourdI accidentally dropped a gourd on my privates.
I thought Id be ok. But a nut squash hurts like hell.
What do you call a moose that everyone knows?
Famoose
You HAVE to hand it to short people
because they cant reach it!
What do you call a baker with red hair?
Gingerbread Man
I tried to come up with a carpentry pun, but it took me a long time to find one that woodwork.
I think I nailed it!
My wife and I decided we didn't like sleep, we hated having a clean house and didn't want any money to spend on ourselves.
So we decided to have three kids.
What did the egg say in the party?
Ome-Lette
I have a major problem with Indian bread
My wife said it's a naan-issue, but I better curry up and figure it out.
What do you call a cow that can play a guitar?
A moo-sician