I was in the bar last night when the waitress yells "Does anyone know CPR?"
I yelled back "I know all those letters!"

Everyone laughed, well except this one guy.

What do you call a prostitute who is bad at sex?
Whore-ible.
I wanted to share a joke that's slightly NSFW with you all, but knowing how people in this sub are. It'll just be removed.
[Removed]
What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between boobs, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked?
A seatbelt
Me: I need a battery so I can tell the time
Cashier: Is it for a clock?

Me: I dont know. Thats why I need a battery

What do you call a boyband that plays classical music?
The bach street boys
My friend Tony asked me not to say his name backwards
I said Y NOT
What did the chiropractor say after becoming a therapist?
I got your back
Im disgusted by all the people who are STILL making jokes about the missing titanic sub!!!
Its unthinkable!!
Why couldnt the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack
Did you hear about the new movie called Constipation?
It hasn't come out yet.
Why don't pirates shower before they walk the plank?
They will wash up on shore after.
What kind of tea is hard to swallow?
Say it out loud

Reality

What do you call Jack Sparrow's fitness channel?
Pilates of the Caribbean
What do you get if you plant a chicken egg?
A poul-tree.
Knock Knock Who is it? Dishes Dishes who
Dishes a bad joke
Did you know that the Mortal Kombat franchise was based on an old Scandinavian religious ballad?
You guessed correctly. It was a Finnish hymn!
I got hit with a pickaxe.
It's just a miner injury.
Why should you wear glasses to math class?
Because they help with division.
Telling dad jokes isnt my main job.
Its a sigh gig.
I'd like to share a joke about UDP
but you may not get it
just watched a programme about beavers, and you know what
it was the best dam programme Ive ever seen.
I asked my client if they're stressed
Their back answered before they did.
Whats the difference between a snow man and a snow woman?
Snow balls
My fridge started an exclusive club:
only expired yogurt gets in