Microsofts email system is down and they dont know when itll be restored.
Their outlook is really bad.

I went to my first Pride parade. What a disappointment.
Not a single lion anywhere!

What do the Spice Girls and Microsoft have in common
No male

What was Icarus least favorite food?
Hot wings

I once knew a horse who tried to be a prostitute for a night.
She was a real one-trick pony.

My girlfriend said I'm a useless lazy slob and she deserves much better.
I said, "You woke me at 3 in the afternoon just to tell me that?"

I was in a public bathroom the other day and a guy in a cubicle started going: Aaah, eeee, oooo
I guess he was having a vowel movement!

Women, to me, are like metric sockets.
A ten is so hard to find

Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in your jeans

Last week, I answered the door and standing there was a six-foot-tall mosquito! He thumped me on the head, then left
The next night, the same mosquito came to the door. He punched me in the stomach and left. The third night, the doorbell rang. As I slowly opened the door, the mosquito pushed the door open, kicked me in the shin and left. I went to see my doctor and explained everything that had happened. I asked him what I should do. The doctor replied, "Not much you can do. There's just a nasty bug going around."

Which crayon got stuck on an island?
Maroon.

What do you call a blind chicken?
A Hicken, because it can't C.

What's the difference between a kleptomaniac and a literalist?
The literalist takes things literally. The kleptomaniac takes things, literally.

I would never go deep ocean diving
It is beneath me

Youll never believe this. I dont even workout
But the doctor says my muscles got a trophy

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places.
He told me to stop going to those places.

Snow White still hasnt received her Shutterfly order, but shes not worried.
She knows that someday her prints will come

Some people say calculus is the worst subject in school
But I beg to differentiate.

Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.

How does an apothecary please a lady?
Elixir.

In school there was this one professor who never gave lower than a D...
It's not that he didn't care, he was just all out of F's to give.

Galileo.
Kid: Dad we're studying Galileo. What do you know about him?
Dad: Well, he was a poor boy from a poor family.

Tripped and hit my head on..
a snare drum, now I have a percussion.

How do witches and wizards prevent from accidentally turning something into a frog?
They use a spell checker.

I had hours owing at work so decided to spend it in Cornwall
Time off in Looe