What do you call a cow that had an abortion?
Decaffeinated

Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar.
Batman follows them in.

What do you call a horny cow?
Beef jerkey

If I bought an axe from Finland and had it shipped to Canada,
I would have a foreign axe sent

I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck.
I

I have a meeting at the bank later and if its a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.

Im so excited I can barely put on my ski mask

Why is bread like the sun?
It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist

i love that this generation managed to kill the stereotype that if you have tattoos, you wont be able to find a job.
bc now nobody can find a job, whether you have tattoos or not.

An island nation may shrink its official script to 25 symbols: ABCD_FGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ
Probably Haiti.

I had to create a new email address and couldn't decide between Google or Microsoft. I went back and forth, back and forth before I decided to ask my magic 8 ball.
It said "Outlook not so good"

I saw a man shred 5 lbs of cheese in under 30 seconds
It's the gratest thing I've ever seen.

At the old timers bar
Four old retired guys are walking down a street in London. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks10p.
They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be
true.The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come
on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" There's a fully
stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinisshaken, not stirredand says, "That'll be 10p each,please." The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40p, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis areproduced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40p,please." They pay the 40p, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a 1 yet.
Finally one of them says, "How can you
afford to serve martinis as good as these for a 10p a piece?" "I'm a retired
tailor," the bartender says, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for 25 million and
decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10p. wine, liquor, beerit's all the same." "Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says. As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there. Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of
the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?" The bartender says,
"They're retired people from Yorkshire .
They're waiting for Happy Hour, when
drinks are half-price.

Doctor: Well have your diagnosis soon. Were just waiting on your X-Ray.
Woman: But we broke up 9 years ago!

A man thought he was a fish
After examination, doctors concluded he was mentally Eel.

What do you call a fake potato?
An imi-tater

I'M Going to jeopardy to look for work.
I saw on the news that there was 500 jobs in jeopardy.

A man holding a large block of asphalt walks into a bar...
He says to the bartender, "A beer for me, and one for the road"

My wife told me she is leaving me because of my Star Wars obsession
May divorce be with you!

I dont really care for coffee
Its not my cup of tea

I have great memories of my redneck Dad from when I was growing up.
He still walked me to school when I was 11.

Because we were in the same grade!

What do you call a cow that cant give milk?
An udder disappointment.

Recently, I visited my local state park and was surprised to find that an entrance fee is now required to access the trails. On my way out, I asked about the new fee
The park ranger apologized and explained that it was a price hike feeling puzzled.

Very proud of my son for this one
After I commented on how big he's getting, he replied

'maybe it's because you've been taking me to the growcery store'

He's 8

My kid really got on my nerves last winter. Built him a snowman and he said,
Godthat thing is abominable.

If Las Vegas is Sin City
What is Cos City and Tan City?

Im thinking of opening a crab shack where you can also play tabletop roleplaying games.
Ill call it Dungeness and Dragons.