It finally happened. The legendary Holy Grail of dad jokes occurred at the dentist today.
I was at the dentist's front desk needing to reschedule my appointment.
Receptionist: "How about tomorrow?"
Me: "Sounds good. What time?"
Receptionist: "2:30."
I froze, locked eyes with her, and slowly began to grin.
Me: "Are you serious?"
Receptionist: "Umm... yes?"
Me: "Are you telling me I have a dentist appointment at Tooth Hurty?!"
She completely lost it. I think I've officially peaked as a father.

My wife says I'm pedantic because I take things literally
I corrected her, "No that would make me a kleptomaniac."

Dad! I cant sleep. There are monsters under my bed! The father goes to check under his sons bed and finds 2 monsters underneath.
Well, its no wonder you cant sleep, son. You have any idea how much caffeine is in these?

What did baby corn say to momma corn?
Wheres popcorn?

I got fired from the keyboard factory.
Apparently I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

At my physical, the doctor said, Today Im going to give you a rectal screening.
I replied, Good. Anything to keep them mosquitos out.

Its ok to use natural materials when sewing, but dont try making underwear out of grapes or bananas.
They just bunch up on ya.

An Orca can swim much faster me, while I can certainly out run the Orca.
So, in a triathlon, it would come down to which of us is the better cyclist.

Pavlov walks into a bar.
The phone rings, and he says, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog."

What kind of mistake does a ghost make?
A grave error.

People who cannot tell the difference between etymology and entomology.
bug me in a way I cannot put into words.

My wife said her new gynecologist is a charming Southern gentleman. During her appointment, she asked if she needed to have her breasts screened.
He said, Yes, maammogram.

I just had a shotgun wedding
It was a wife or death decision.

Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism - its a light sentence, but theyre given time to reflect

Happened to my brother.
My brother finished work late one night and caught the last bus home. Sitting on a nearly empty bus with 20 min left in his ride, the bus pulled over to pick up a man waiting at the bus stop.
The man climbed aboard carrying a large, steel, heavy box-fan. He paid his fare and awkwardly made his way to sit in the closest seat he could find. Set the heavy weight down and slumped into his seat breathing heavily. After a number of stops the man pulls the rope signalling he has reached his destination. The bus pulled over the man took a deep breath and hoisted his cargo up and worked his way to the front door to leave. The bus driver looked at him and said, Good luck. Have a good night.
The man looked back at him, smiled and said No worries. Ive got my biggest fan with me!

True story. I cant believe the commitment he needed to pull off that joke. Its simply incredible. I wish I was there to see it happen. Its just brilliant.

One day this normal guy whenever he farted, it sounded like "Honda." Funny at first, but the doctors found nothing wrong. A few months later while getting his dental cleaning, he kept farting Honda, Honda, Honda
The dentist informs the man he has an abscessed tooth. How do you know asked the farting man?

The dentist responded, we'll every one knows, "Abscess makes the fart go Honda!"

Be nice to your dentists.
He has fillings too.

Why did the Kool Aid man get fired from the movie production?
He kept breaking the fourth wall

Gandhi
Gandhi walked all over India, making the soles of his feet very built up. But, due to his diet, he appeared frail. And, hunger strikes affect the enzymes in the mouth, often leading to bad breath.

Combined, this meant Gandhi was a "super-calloused, fragile mystic, plagued with halitosis."

What does the farmer say about his cows on a mountain?
"The steaks are high!"

Some people say that the USA is the stupidest country in the world.
Well I'm American and I say that the stupidest country in the world is Alaska.

Ive been dating an entomologist for over a year now
And she still gives me butterflies.

Did you know any pen can write underwater?
They can also write other words too!

If Squidward is an octopus then why do they call him "Squidward"?
Because his other name would be Ockward.

I was at an Estate sale this weekend...
I found a TV for sale with a sign saying, Stuck on maximum volume, only $5.00".

Thought to myself, I cant turn that down!