My wife asked Are you even listening to me?
I thought, thats a weird way to start a conversation .

I saw a nun with her clothes inside out.
I asked her about it. She said, "It's just a bad habit of mine."

Getting over diarrhea may not be the greatest feeling ever,
but it's a solid number two.

I had just won a large sum of money at a game of chance, when a cop pulled me over.
"Do you know why I stopped you?"

"Yes officer, I presume it's because I was speeding. I've just won a hundred million dollars, and I'm in a hurry to go cash the check. I apologize."

"Well, you're half right. You sure were speeding. But you've also got a missing taillight, your registration is expired, and the tint on your windows isn't street legal. I've already noted these violations on your citation."

Thing is, I wasn't missing a tail light, my registration was up to date, and my tinted windows were approved by the DMV. When I pointed this out, the cop looked flustered.

"Ah jeez," he groaned, "that's a lot to reticket."

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ETA: hopefully adding this line makes the whole thing visible for everyone

A man is drinking in the pub for a whole day..
Once he's finished, he drops to the floor, crawls out the door, crawls to his house and crawls into bed.

When he wakes up in the morning, his wife, unimpressed, says to him, "You were in the pub all day, weren't you?"

The man replies, "How do you know?"

Wife replies, "You left your wheelchair there again".

Tablets were replaced by scrolls, scrolls were replaced by books.
Now we scroll through books on tablets.

I accidentally sprayed Axe body spray into my mouth.
I now talk with an Axe scent.

Ever notice hamburgers taste better when its gloomy outside?
Thats because its gray day beef.

What did Tower of Pisa say to Eiffel Tower?
I fell.

Im suing Starbucks for bad coffee.
Their lawyer wants to know on what grounds.

Did you know that they hold a funeral for any Italian chef that leaves his home town?
As far as his family is concerned, he pasta away.

Two nuns riding bicycles turn down a cobblestone-paved street
and one says to the other, "I have never come this way before". The second answers, "Neither have I. It must be cobblestones".

How do you get into a rhythm while cleaning?
By finding a dirty groove.

Who is the most entertaining character in any fairy tale?
The big bad wolf, because he could really bring down the house.

Customer asked me: "can I ask about the menu please?"
I told them that the men I please is none of their business

My friend used to work in a soup factory, but he always skipped the safety trainings
Eventually, he got canned.

City car for city people
This is my first attempt here. I just made this joke.

One person goes to Jeep to interview for a marketing role. The interviewer asks him how he would define Jeep's brand for the public.

He said, Jeep is a city car for city people.

The interviewer said, hmm it is different. We normally brand ourselves as an off road type vehicle but maybe we can rebrand ourselves to appeal to the new market as well. So you have the job. Do you have any questions?

The candidate said thank you for the job. Can you tell me where the bathroom is, I need to take a cit.

I went to the doctors and told him that I kept thinking I was Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck.
He asked, How long have you been having these Disney spells?

I got hit with a pickaxe.
It's just a miner injury.

I realized my wife is getting cooler and funnier than me, but then it dawned on me
Thats me rubbing off on her

How do lumberjacks track their hours?
They log them

Tagalog word of the day: Mabuti (good)
I slipped on the ice and landed on mabuti.

How does a cucumber become a pickle?
It goes through a jarring experience...

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes
She gave me a hug

MAJOR EDWARD IGNATIUS JOSEPH MACDONALD REPORTING FOR DUTY, SIR!
At ease, EI GI JOE