They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles.
Who the hell runs eight miles in 1 minute?

Triple Shot: What do you call a Fiat on top of a hill?
A miracle!

What do you call 2 Fiats on top of a hill? Science Fiction

What do you call 3 Fiats on top of a hill? A weird place to build a Fiat factory.

Did you hear about the guy who dipped his balls in glitter?
Pretty nuts, right?

A friend said my wife and daughter look identical like twins
I told him, 'Well, they were separated at birth.'

I opened up to my therapist about the shame I felt for getting aroused whenever I looked the mirror.
She said I was being too hard on myself.

If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware?
Idaho... Alaska!

I went to a bar called Scat. Its great...
There is always a stool to sit on

HOW DO YOU SPOT A BLIND MAN AT A NUDE BEACH?
IT'S NOT HARD!

Have you ever played quiet tennis?
Its like regular tennis but without the racket.

I knew a guy who sold a lot of soup stock.
Now he's a bouillonaire.

My mothers ancestors came from England. One of her relatives was a female court jester for King Richard, known as Lois the Fool, and she is credited with inventing the pun!
After regaling the King with her witty little snippets of humor, King Richard asked what she called them. She replied, "Puns, Your Majesty, I call them puns."

The King was so impressed he proclaimed to everyone in his kingdom, "Henceforth and forevermore, let it be known throughout this realm that a pun is...

... the Lois form of humor..."

Why don't you find many vampires in the financial sector?
Too many stake holders

What do you call a shivering bear?
A brrr

I've never enjoyed the opening song of the Blur Album
I much prefer Song 2

Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns dont work!

Sesame Streets vampire has wandered away again.
Hes done it so many times, theyve lost Count.

My gastroenterologist is half- Irish, half-Macedonian
Colin O'Skopje.

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends.
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

"What's up with the big brass gong?" one of his guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup," replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch," the drunk replied.

He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly a voice on the other side of the wall screamed...

"You idiot! It's three-fifteen in the morning.

I caught a fish. I had some trouble identifying the fish, so I asked it are you a mackerel?
And it said nah and then I said are you a salmon and it said nah so then I figured it out! It must be a 2-nah fish

What does an escalator do when it's broken?
Nothing. Just stairs.

Police hunting a robber who stole a book about Stradivarius have warned the public not to approach him...
He has a history of violins

Why did the baker have brown hands?
He kneaded a poo

What's the surname of a Dutch criminal?
Van De Lism

Did you hear about the skunk who fell in the river?
He stank to the bottom.

I won a Settlement in Court with the Zoo and they paid me in Lions
Its not much, but at least I have my pride