Why did Donald Trump marry an immigrant?
Once again, immigrants are doing the jobs no American want to do.

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder
The bartender says, 'What an interesting pet, what's his name?

Tiny,' the man replies.

What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?'

Because...he's my newt.'

It's been twenty days since I joined the gym but there has been zero progress.
Tomorrow I'll go there personally to see what's going on.

What do vampires and Gladys Knight have in common?
They are both Gladys Knight.

I walked into a bookshop today
And asked if they had any books on turtles.

The guy behind the counter said 'hardback?' and I said 'yeah, and they've got 4 little legs too'.

Scarlet Johansson...
Theres an airline crash in the Pacific.

The only two survivors are a young man, Steve, and an unconscious young woman.

Steve finds the young woman clinging to a piece of debris. He tows her to a small, deserted atoll.

The young woman does not regain consciousness for a week. In the meantime, Steve cares for her; keeps her sheltered, watered, fed and clean.

When the young woman finally comes to, Steve is shocked when he realises that she is actually Scarlet johansson.

It takes Scarlet another week or so to fully recover.

Once she does, they share their survival responsibilities equally. Steve is the better cook, Scarlet the better diver.

After a month or so, Scarlet begins to realise what a find Steve is.

Hes intelligent, unassuming, fit, not unattractive, caring, and he has made zero attempt to jump her.

Romance blooms.

Steve turns out to be an imaginative and enthusiastic lover.

Bliss reigns.

One night, some time later, while sitting around the campfire, Scarlet notices that Steve is a bit glum.

Are you OK? she asks.

Yeah, Im fine, Steve says.

No, youre not, Steve. Somethings wrong. Whats wrong, Steve?

No, Im OK. Really, Steve says.

Steve, if theres something missing, something you need, I want to help.

Im sorry, Scarlet, but youd think I was really weird.

Weird!, Scarlet exclaims. I work in Hollywood. Steve, you have no idea. Please, let me help.

Are you sure? Steve asks quietly.

Im sure, Scarlet says. What do you want me to do?

Well, says Steve.

Can you put on my cap and tuck your hair up in it?

Thanks. Now, can you take this piece of charcoal and use it to draw yourself a moustache?

Thanks. Now, do you mind if I call you Joe?

Joe? asks Scarlet. OK, you can call me Joe.

A long pause in the firelight

Joe, says Steve.

You are NOT going to believe who Ive been sleeping with.

It was sooo cold this morning
(How cold was it?)

It was so old I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets!

I just found my old theremin!
I should throw it out. Ive never touched it.

Say what you want about a blind prostitute...
...but you really gotta hand it to them.

Why do cows wear bells around their necks?
Their horns dont work

My son had excellent grades until he spent that semester abroad in Australia.
Thats when things really went south.

Why should you only drink milk from free range cows?
It has been pasture-ized.

I was surprised to find out that James Madison had poor digestive health.
I always thought he had a strong constitution.

Why did the soup taste funny?
It was made from laughing stock.

Did you hear the joke about the guy that forgot to make drinks for the party?
Theres no punch line.

I created a laughing gas that also works as a laxative.
It's just for shits and giggles.

I turned down a job that would have paid me with vegetables.

The celery was unacceptable.

The United States is so confusing
It just doesn't make cents anymore

I got kicked out from a vietnamese restaurant...
They banh mi pho life

The older I get, the more I regret all the people l've lost over the years
Maybe being a trail guide wasn't such a great idea after all.

I started my new job at the broth factory yesterday.
It came with great stock options.

My math teacher called me average. That was mean.
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I thought I heard someone say hello to me in Arabic,
Turns out it was a false Salaam.

I launched a food company in space
It's called Meteor-Bites

My first dad joke as a new dad: Whats the difference between a dad joke and a mom joke?
The spelling.