My neighbor has started dating a woman that works at McDonalds.
My neighbor has started dating a woman that works at McDonalds. He likes to tease her about her name being Patty. Then he found out that all she does is complain and hold grudges at work. So now he calls her all beef Patty.
Whats one sentence you can use in both the kitchen and the bedroom?
I didnt see that cumin
Apparently, that doesnt work both ways
My wife was upset with me this morning, so I showed her my boobs

Apparently, that doesnt work both ways

The phrase "hold your horses" is essentially the same as...
"Be stable."
A drunk shows off his new apartment
After closing time at the bar, a drunk proudly invited a couple of his friends back to see his new apartment.

He led them into his bedroom, where a large brass gong and a wooden mallet stood in the corner.

One of his friends pointed at it and asked,

What's with the big brass gong?

That's not a gong, the drunk replied proudly. It's a talking clock.

A talking clock? his friend asked. Seriously?

Yep.

How does it work?

Watch.

The drunk grabbed the mallet, swung it with all his might, and hit the brass gong with an ear-shattering BONG!

The three of them stood there in silence for a few seconds.

Then, from the other side of the wall, a furious voice yelled,

You idiot! It's 3:15 in the morning!

Three Jewish men are talking
Three Jewish men are talking when the first one says,

"You know, guys, it's so odd. My son went to Jerusalem to learn more about his faith, and I'll be damned if he didn't come back Christian." The second man says,

"Yeah, the same thing happened to my son." The third says

"Same guys. I think we should go talk to the Rabbi about it." They go, and the Rabbi just says, "I dunno, guys, I think you should just ask God." So they pray.

"God, we don't understand. Our sons went to Jerusalem to learn about their faith and came back Christian." God says,

"Huh, same thing happened to my son."

What do you call a pirate's coming of age party?
A quinceanYARRRa
Why did the physicist come to work dressed as a jockey?
She heard they were getting an X-ray source
A new space mission is being made to apologize to the Martians.
It is called the Apollo G.
I once offered a panhandler an apple
No thanks, he said. I dont have any teeth.

Just goes to show: beggars cant be chewers.

How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep?
You rocket!
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
De-calfeinated.
Can I just say something?
Something
Why do Lawyers never wear boxers?
They prefer briefs
After Jean Grey graduated from Xavier's School For Gifted Youngsters
She enrolled in the University of Phoenix
How fast does a rapper travel in space?
They go at LUDACRIS SPEED
For a long time, I have wanted to tell a good pizza joke
But its just too cheesy.
I illegally made a hat out of paper towels
Now I have a bounty on my head.
What did the cow say to the calf ten minutes before bedtime?
Be in your ruminate minutes
Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution
A man was driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he saw a sign that said, 'Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 15 mi.

Being tired, he thought it was just a figment of his imagination and drove on without a second thought.

Not too long after he saw another sign that said 'Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 8 mi and realized the signs were real.

When he drove past a third sign saying, 'Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution Next Right' his curiosity got the better of him and he pulled into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot was a stone building with a small sign next to the door:
Sisters of Mercy

He climbed the stairs and rang the bell.

The door was answered by a nun in the customary black habit who said, 'What can we do for you, my son?

He answered, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.

'Very well, my son, please follow me.

He was led through many winding passages and was soon disoriented.
The nun stopped at a closed door and said, 'Please knock on this door.

He did as he was told. This door was answered by another nun holding a tin cup.

This nun said, 'Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway.

He took $50 out of his wallet and placed it in the second nun's cup.

He trotted eagerly down the hall and slipped through the door, pulling it shut behind him.

As the door locked behind him he found himself back in the parking lot facing another small sign.

The sign read:
Go in Peace.
You Have Just Been Screwed
by the Sisters of Mercy

It was obvious our marriage counselor used to work in IT.
The first thing he asked was, "Have you tried turning it off and on again?"
Why is the little mermaid wearing sea-shells?
She grew out of her b-shells
Aliens.
Aliens abducted me and forced me to wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I wasnt on a spaceship
I was on the Mothership.
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.
I hired an electrician.
I was shocked to find out how bad he was.