Ditzy husband to wife, Honey, I think I know why you have been gaining weight. Wife, Lets hear it
Husband, Pretty sure its your shampoo. It says on the bottle that it creates extra body.

Ive been dating an entomologist for over a year now
And she still gives me butterflies.

A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, Give me all your money or your geography!
Puzzled, the teller asks, Dont you mean history?

The robber yells, Dont change the subject!"

How many ship wrecks are on the bottom of the sea?
All of them.

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night
The waiter came over and they gave their drink order.

'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy. 'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy. 'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy. 'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy. 'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy. 'the chocolate cheesecake, with whipped cream, please', said the second piggy. 'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.

'Pardon my curiosity,' said the waiter to the third little piggy, 'But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'

The third piggy says -

'Well, SOMEBODY has to go "Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"

I told my wife i wanted to be cremated.
She made an appointment for Tuesday.

A man arrives home and says to his wife: "What would you do if I told you I had a winning lottery ticket?"
She replies, "Honestly? I would take my half and leave you."

"Great!" says the man, and hands her $10. "Here's your half. Now pack your bags."

Newton is credited with the theory of gravity
Before that it was all up in the air.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender: says: "Hey!"
Horse: "Yes, please!"

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it.
He phones the police and says, "Bejesas, I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."

The operator asks, "Is it tickin?"

and Paddy says, "No, I tink its beef"

I sent Coldplay a fruit basket full of ripe bananas.
They were all yellow.

I was in Australia and learnt the word boo in an Aboriginal means "to return"
Because if you throw a normal meringue, it doesn't come back

What is a consequence of going to war with Iran?
Your gas Israeli high!

My wife said, You never listen to a word I say!
I thought thats a strange way to start a conversation.

Toad from super Mario bros walks into a bar, the bartender says
You look like a fungi.

My wife and I are renovating our kitchen. She went on and on about why we must use marble for the island. Its timeless, it adds value, and every slab is unique. I said, Well, I say granite is better because it looks pretty cool. She goes, Pretty cool? Thats all you have to say about it?
I stood there in silence, not knowing what else to say because that was my best counterargument.

My good friend Doreen was standing by herself in the corner, looking pretty glum
So I walked over and asked "Whassa matter, Dor?"

She shook her head slowly and said, "It's a guy that fights bulls. But I'm too upset to talk about that now."

I finally found out why Uranus sounds so weird.
It's the only planet in our solar system NOT named after a Roman God.

Don't spell part backwards because
It's a trap.

What do you call a Japanese Pasta showing its gratitude?
Arigatoni

I was going to post a really good joke about Mike Tyson.
I forgot the punchline.

I spotted an albino Dalmatian today
it was the least I could do

Arab.
What do call the strongest Arab ?
A protein Shake .

I have a German friend who is a sound engineer.
And a Czech one too, and a Czech one too.

What do you call a magician who has lost his magic?
Ian