If Mick Jagger and Keith Richards were both killed by a rampaging ostrich...
...would that be a case of killing two Stones with one bird?
Did you hear about the mathematician whos scared of negative numbers?
Hell stop at nothing to avoid them.
Why did the baker make unleavened bread?
He took the path of yeast resistance.
A phlebotomist, a physical trainer, and a wedding cake designer formed a band
Theyre called Blood, Sweat, and Tiers
Why was the gay lawyer so popular?
He got a lot of guys off
My friend Jay just had twin daughters and wanted to name them after himself.
I suggested Kaye and Elle.
My friends telling me I need to understand the female gaze better to get a girlfriend
But I thought those were lesbians?
Whats the difference between a cheap guy at a restaurant and a worker packaging silicone breast implants?
Ones a shitty tipper
I've a female relative who gets very angry when someone compares her to French bakery items.
She's a cross aunt.
This is a message to the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office.
I will find you. You have my Word.
A thief stole Ketchup
He was caught red handed.
A man went into a building he'd never been to before to find a book, all he found were books on genital anatomy.
No one told him it was a pubic library.
Yesterday, I couldnt tell if someone was waving at me or the person behind me.
On an unrelated note, I lost my job as a lifeguard yesterday.
What do you do with a Lego hospital?
Plastic surgery.
What happens to Mariah Carey if everybody hates her?
She becomes Pariah Carey
British lords once debated for hours after dinner what to call their warriors
Eventually they called it a knight.
U Haul.
If a cop pulls over a U-Haul, did he just bust a move?
Someone insulted my honor for being foreign born, so I got naturalized to fight him.
Now Im a duel citizen.
Sleeping comes so naturally to me
I could do it with my eyes closed.
Time flies like an arrow...
Fruit flies like a banana.
At first, I didn't think a brain transplant could ever work.
But recently, I've changed my mind.
You cannot tell the complete history of Japan.
You can only Samurais it.
A perfectionist walks into a bar and immediately turns around and leaves.
Apparently, the bar wasnt set high enough.
My wife texted from workHerAre you watching that new serial killer documentary on Netflix?
MeI amjust started episode 3
HerGreat, pause it at 21 minutes and 8 seconds
MeOk, paused, its at the crime scene in the living room
HerRight! Do you see the blood spatter on the wall near the fireplace?
MeYeah, its pretty gruesome
HerLook just to the left of the fireplace mantledo you see where the natural light is hitting the wall?
MeYes
HerThats the exact shade of sage green I want for the guest bathroom
5 in seven people think my jokes are too divisive
The remainder find them funny