If you drive a Subaru in reverse, what are you?
U r a Bus.
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
I asked my son to hand me a newspaper the other day.
He laughed, called me old, and handed me his iPad instead.
That fly never stood a chance.
I asked the Librarian if there were any books on the Titanic?
She said probably, but they would be soaking wet by now.
The waitress asked me the dumbest question at dinner tonightI ordered the broccoli cheddar soup, and she asked, Did you want that in a cup or a bowl?
Yes please, otherwise itll get everywhere.
I have something in my car that alerts me the moment I hit 66 in a 65mph zone...
We've been married for 35 years.
What do you call a cat that cant use a litter box?
Illitterate
Which type of loan does an introvert prefer?
A leave me alone
I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store
I told him, I dont think they have what youre looking for, sir.
Which is the world's fastest dinosaur?
The Prontosaurus.
OhI told my wife I had to go oh. She said whats oh? I said you know when you kind of have to go pee, but you really dont have to go pee right now, but you know if you wait too long you will really have to go pee, so you go pee now just so you dont get to that point where you really have to go per? She said yes. I said thats oh. She said why is that oh?
I said because O comes before P.
My 10yo still loves this one I came up with years ago when doing laundryI had a pile of single socks and told him to pair them up. But if he found any that matched not to play with them. He asked why.
"Never play with matches. So you don't burn the house down."
It's like two lessons in one.
1) everything dad says is a joke
2) fire safety is important
What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a hooker with diarrhea?
The epileptic shucks between fits.
I went to a rally for the hearing impaired.
They were chanting:
What do we want? HEARING AIDS!
When do we want them? HEARING AIDS!
I'm not sure if I should become a hair dresser or an author
I think I'll toss a coin and it's heads or tales.
My son's baseball team stopped at Taco Bell before their game today
We lost, but we definitely got the most runs.
An American, a Mexican, and an Australian walk into a pub.The Mexican says, I'll have a Corona. The finest beer of Mexico.
The American says, Ill have a Budweiser. The king of beers.
The Australian says, I'll have a Ginger Ale.
A Ginger Ale? the American asks quizically.
The Australian replies, Well, if you two arent going to have a proper beer. Why should I?
Dad, why do we always eat Bratwurst on February second?
Because its ground hog day
People ask me why I've started making jokes about helium balloons
I just want to try something light.
One day, I aspire to have a chicken as a pet
It's always been on my "bawk-it" list
My friend was telling me he used to be a plumber in Minnesota and got called for a job at Princes houseI asked what was that like? My friend said he had a
Purple drain, purple drain.
What did the band Queen say to a crying baby to get it to stop crying?
"We will rock you."
Dad & son.
Son: "Dad, did you go to the same school as me?"
Me: "Yes, 25 years ago. Why do you ask?"
Son: Because today Mrs. Brown said she hasn't seen an idiot like me in 25 years!
Just NowMe, to daughter: Hey, got some gravel in my knee, now I've got a hole.
Daughter: looks
Me: holds knee up a bit more What've I got now???
Daughter, facepalming: A high-knee hole.
I'm so sorry if this doesn't fit, had to get it somewhere and this was the first place I thought of!
What actor are you most likely to see strolling about?
Christopher Walken