Why are gay dating sites so popular?
Because one man's junk is another man's treasure

I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said Youre an 8 on a scale of 10.
Im still not sure why she wants me to urinate on a skeleton.

What do you call a glory hole at the police station?
The anonymous tip

To save money on a coffin, buy a pen from Amazon...
and use the box it came in.

My granddaughter just told me that she got a Nintendo switch.
I asked How did you turn on your Nintendo before that?

How do you know that Mike Tyson is anti-religion?
Because he punches people in the faith.

After Tim Cook stepped down as CEO of Apple. I'd hoped Trump would also step down.
Of course, I'm comparing apples to oranges.

What's the best material for making a ninja suit?
Leather. It's made out of hide.

I sued British airlines for losing my luggage
The courts dismissed me because I had no case

I warned my children about blowing their whistle inside the house and I gave them one last chance.
Unfortunately, they blew it.

A fisherman and his wife welcomed their twin sons into the world. For a while, they struggled to come up with names for the boys, but one day they noticed that one boy was always looking toward the sea, the other away, so they named their sons Toward and Away.
A few years later, when the boys were old enough, the fisherman decided to teach them the family trade. So he packs up the boat, kisses his wife goodbye, and goes out to sea with his sons.

Years pass without their return. One day, at the market, the wife sees a man she recognizes as her husband. She asks him.

"Where are the boys?"

"Oh, it was horrible!" The father exclaimed, distress in his voice. "Just days after we left, Toward caught a huge fish. But the fish was relentless and fought back. They wrestled on the waves for days, before Toward's strength failed him, and the fish swallowed him whole!"

"Oh god!" The wife exclaims, "That's horrible!"

"You think that's bad?" The father asks, "You shoulda seen the one that got Away."

Little richard used to help me do my gardening.
He lopped all the rhubarb, he lopped bamboo.

Doctor: Im afraid you have chlamydia, gonorrhoea and onomatopoeia.
Patient: onomatopoeia? Whats that?

Doctor: Im afraid its exactly what it sounds like.

My dad used to put me in a tyre and roll me down a hill
Those were the Goodyears

What do students and teachers look forward to but a Slinky dreads?
Spring break

If members of a football team were accused of committing a crime
, we could assume that those with jersey numbers 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, and 97 would be the prime suspects.

I love going outdoors.
So much safer than going through windows.

What kind of puzzles are popular in tombs?
Cryptograms

BREAKING NEWS: A car, out of control, crashed into the storefront of an Everything for a Dollar Store.
Damages were estimated to be $1.00

My scuba diving knowledge is only surface level
I dont want to go in depth.

I entered a local pun contest.
To increase my chances of winning, I entered ten different puns. Not a single one won though. No pun in ten did.

They say machines will be as smart as humans.
Yeah, but are we talking about Einstein or the guy who microwaves tinfoil?

I was recently invited to a 3 way
There were a couple of no shows but I still had a great time

What did the Alien from planet Ikea say when he first landed on Earth
'I come in pieces'.