I drew Mark Hamill on my wife's forehead while she was asleep.
You should have seen the Luke on her face.

Saw this one a long time ago.
My wife said "You bastard, you're shagging that floozie from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychrwyndrobwyllllantisiliogogogoch, aren't you?"

I said "How can you even say that?"

I am very conflicted about my right glove.
On one hand I love it, but on the other hand I hate it.

I just came up with this and Im really proud of myself.

My wife went mad at the neighbor because she sunbathed nude outside
Personally, I'm on the fence

What is a dyslexic zombies favorite food?
Brians

What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill?
A lambslide.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.
She still isn't talking to me.

Why did the girl eat the lamp?
Dad said to have a light snack.

What did the mama cow say to the baby cow?
Its pasture bed time.

I'm so good at driving, I can get to 3 different places without ever even touching the steering wheel.
The hospital, jail, and the cemetery!

While working as a prison guard, I once caught a woman trying to smuggle over 5 pounds of weed in her oversized bra.
It was the biggest bust our department had ever seen.

Someone glued my deck of cards together
I just dont know how to deal with it.

I finally decided to sell my vacuum cleaner..
I finally decided to sell my vacuum cleaner.. It's just collecting dust.

I make Christmas wreaths for a living. So I decided I would make one out of 100 dollar bills the other day.
I call it A Wreath of Franklin

I somehow managed to make it through high school math while only being able to remember even numbers!
What are the odds?

A dragon would never explode.
But a dino might.

What do you get when you put a vest on an alligator
An investigator

How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh?
Nothingits on the house.

What do you call James Bond in the bath
Bubble 0 7

Scientists have discovered a phenomenon where liquid has been found to get stressed, anxious, and nervous.
It's called water tension.

What shampoo do lions use for their manes?
R'Oaral.

I had a goal to lose 20 pounds by the end of the year.
Only 30 pounds to go...

There is a Swedish word for crying while masturbating, Grtrunka
That's a real tear jerker

Remember when Amazon said theyd be able to deliver all our packages via drone?
I guess that plan never took off.

What do you call karate for people with one arm?
Partial arts