A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and crashes it.At his trial, he's found guilty and sentenced to death. For his last meal, he asks for a single banana. The next day, he's strapped to the electric chair. They pull the switch but nothing happens. By law, he walks free. Within a week, he hijacks another train and crashes it. Again, he's sentenced t
death. Again, he asks for a banana.
Again, nothing happens. He's released.
The third time, they refuse his banana request.
"Oh no you don't, you son of a b we know your little banana trick!" They serve steak instead.
The next morning, they strap him in, flip the switch... nothing happens.
"Did you give him the banana?" the guard yells.
"No, sir!"
Turns out, the banana had nothing to do with it.
He was just a really bad conductor.
We were taking a candlelit bubble bath when my wife said, No offense, but this feels awkward. I said, Well I guess I could tell dad jokes. She rolled her eyes and sighed, Ugh, fine.
I turned to my dad and said, OK, so two guys walk into a bar
I tried to make my password "myunderwear"
Then I was informed that passwords must be changed regularly
Whats the difference between Walt Disney and Bing Crosby?Bing sings.
Walt Disney
Why is Mississippi taking so long to count the votes?
Because this is how they count
One Mississippi
Two Mississippi
Why do programmers love dark mode?
Because light attracts bugs!
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle
A voyage to Antarctica can be exciting, but you need to be careful.
Things can go south really fast.
Every Norwegian ship has a QR code next to it's name.
It makes it easier to Scandinavian.
CoffeeI ordered coffee the other day, and the barrista asked for my name.
I said, " Some people call me the space cowboy.
Some people call me the gangster of love. "
And went and sat down.
A few seconds later.
"Coffee for Maurice."
A chicken walked into a bar
A chicken walked into a bar at happy hour and ordered two cocktails. Moments later, two roosters at the end of the counter shuffled out the door with their backs pressed to the wall.
A man was rushed to the hospital, with the whole left side of his body missing.
He's all right now.
What do you call a male cow who sleeps a lot?
A Bulldozer.
A businessman ordered flowers to be sent to the opening of his friend's new branch office.When the businessman got there, he was shocked to see the flowers with the inscription. "Rest In Peace."
He was so outraged that he stopped at the florist to complain.
"It could be worse," the florist said, "Just think: Today someone was buried beneath a floral arrangement with the inscription. 'Congratulations on Your New Location!" "
Where can you go to buy nothing?
The HOLE sale (wholesale) store!
Did you know "The Flintstones" is controversial in the United Arab Emirates?
People in Dubai don't like it, but people in Abu Dhabi DOOOOOO
What do you do if B12 shows up at your door?
You vitamin
Lame joke of the day...
did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?
...he was lucky it was a soft drink.
What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
If your father could see you now, hed turn over in his gravy!
Why is it so expensive to send a cat into space?
The price is a cat astral fee!
Breaking News: A man has been stealing wheels off of police cars.
the Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
I got stuck on a mountain somehow.
I need to get to the bottom of this.
Sent my girlfriend a photo of my physique and she text back, "Wow that picture is very flattering."
Two minutes later she added: "Sorry I mistyped 'flattening'."
I mow my grass ten times a week.
It's a decathlawn.
First Flight Celebration
The evening of their first flight at Kitty Hawk, Orville and Wilbur go out to the local bar with some friends and family to celebrate their accomplishment. The bar has karaoke, so the two brothers get up on stage to sing. Unfortunately they are both tone deaf, and their singing is so horrible that they sound like dying donkeys. The horrendous cacophony is so awful that they quickly get booed off the stage. It all goes to show you: Two Wrights don't make a song.