In England it's called a lift, but in America it's called an elevator.
I guess people are just raised differently.

A coma in a sentence can make a huge difference. For instance,
Lets eat, Bob.

has a completely different meaning from

Bob is in a coma.

I drove by the beach last night
I drove by the beach last night and noticed these ladies dancing in a circle wearing black robes around a fire pit chanting. One had a pig and another had a block of cheese. Thats when I realized they were ham and cheese sand witchs.

Three things I love in life are:
Eating my family and skipping commas.

My wife: "You promised to stop with the Darth Vader quotes after we got married"
Me: "I am altering the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further."

I told my buddy I keep all the money I make for myself, he said it was selfish
I said: I dont sell fish, I sell crack!

My cremation should go smoothly.
I'm already burned out.

A lady takes a man back to her place after a date. When they enter the house, 2 ferocious dogs approach him growling.
Timex and Rolex be nice to the guest she demanded. The dogs stopped growling. The man chuckled and asked, why in the world did you name your dogs Timex and Rolex?

Because theyre my watch dogs of course!

What do you call a Frenchman attacked by a cat?
Claude

What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?
Traffic Jam

If a person is diagnosed with Kleptomania
Does the doctor give them something to take?

What do you call a Frenchman attacked by a cat
Claude

Who is bigger than Ariana Grande?
Ariana Venti

The guy who invented scuba started by experimenting with brass instruments
Unfortunately a tuba is a Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus.

What do you call a Sith Lord who's always going up and down between floors on the Death Star?
Darth Ele-Vader

How does a dead songwriter make new music?
He decomposes.

What group do racist chemists join?
The Potassium Potassium Potassium

I need a joke for a punch line.
I thought of a punch line: It's a pain in the arsenic. But I can't think of a joke to go with it. I'm appealing to all dads and dad joke creators for your help. Thanks in advance.

My wife told me I shouldn't always look for subtext, sometimes I just need to take things at face value.
I said, what are you trying to say?

A man walks in to his therapy session with his psychiatrist and immediately takes of his shoes, socks, shorts and underwear and then lays down on the couch.
After a few awkward moments the man asks, Doctor am I crazy?

Well, I can clearly see your nuts replied the Doctor.

Its all in the name
My friend David lost his ID.
We call him Dav

I can jump higher than a house
A house can't jump

Did you hear about the thoroughbred that sounded like a pony?
His voice was a little hoarse

The tallest buildings on the planet?
Libraries; because they have millions of stories.

What do you call a forbidden hairdo?
Tabou.