I recently got arrested for stealing a whole volume of encyclopaedias.
I turned to the officer and said, Look, I can explain everything.

Did you hear about the bee who got busted for visiting a prostitute?
It was a sting operation.

My fiance and I wanted to get married at the public brary.
But they told us it was all booked up .

Mantis.
Baby praying mantis: Dad, who do we pray to?

Dad mantis: That depends on the religion.

Wait bugs have different religions?

Of course, son were in sects.

I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, Youre an 8 on a scale of 10.
I still dont get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.

What do you call an inconsequential pachyderm?
Irrelephant.

I cleaned my vacuum cleaner.
Now I am the vacuum cleaner.

I told my partner i was testing her by asking if shes a wife or a mother first
A mother first

Wrong, you married me a year before our first kid.

Got a big groan on that one

Blacksmith.
An old blacksmith relized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting.

"Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy. "Just do whatever I tell you to do."

One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil.

"Get the hammer over there, he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard."

Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.

Kid: Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Dad: Yes, we arson

There's a new book just been published about poltergeists that's becoming very popular
It's flying off the shelves.

I told my wife that I've swapped our bed for a trampoline.
She hit the roof!

Whats black and white and red all over?
The shopping list after my wife asked me to put ketchup on it.

I heard they have great peaches in Georgia.
So I went to a supermarket in Georgia and asked an employee where I can find the peaches. He said, "I'll see," and walked away. I asked another employee and she also said, "I'll see," and walked away. In the end, I gave up and found them myself, in Aisle C.

My friend lost an arm and ever since has said cleaning was impossible.
So I got my other buddy to build him a new vacuum attachment, hes not the best engineer but anyhow.

I went to his house to help him organize and gave it to him saying, Dont worry, Im here to lend you a hand. Fair warning though, it sucks

I saw a wolf with clothes on in the middle of a forest...
Stunned, I realized it was a wear wolf.

Lets start making a hole in that wall.
Boring but you know the drill.

I invented a diy human cloning machine that runs on a regular 110v outlet.
Make yourself at home.

Did you hear about that restaurant that puts toilet paper on the tables and bread in the bathroom?
Its a complete roll reversal.

Best dad joke (to me)
Q: why does the Norwegian Navy put barcodes on the side of their ships?

A: so when they come back to Port they can Scandinavian!

Why did the chocolate bar break up with the peanut butter?
It was just a sticky situation.

I don't really understand mathematical notation
It's all greek to me

Whats hard to notice and even harder to unnotice?
A noticeboard with too many notices on it

I've just had a stack of toilet paper rolls fall on me in the supermarket.
I'm okay, though, just soft tissue damage.

I once made a small boat out of a large bell.
It was a little dingy.