I'm never donating blood again! They ask way too many questions...
Who's blood is this? Where did it come from? Why is it in a bucket?!
My doctor recommended a brain transplant.
At first I said no but then I changed my mind.
Name a car that starts with P.Plymouth, Porsche, Pontiac, Peugeot....
Wrong! They all start with gas!
What happens, when you're naked in public and the elevator doesn't work?
You'll encounter stairs.
My sons doctor called in a panic and exclaimed, You need to get to my office immediately! I have dire news. Very worried, I rushed over to find out what was so critical.When I arrived, he explained, After a careful review of your sons charts, I believe that he wont grow past five feet tall. Im very sorry to have to deliver this bad news.
I asked, OK, but why was this such an emergency? Couldnt this meeting have waited a few days?
He answered, I thought youd want to know now, although Im sorry about the short notice.
A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes...
"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."
Someone glued my deck of cards together.
I don't know how to deal with it.
What do you call a swimming flamingo?
Flamboyant
What's the difference between a dad joke and an athletic rabbit?
One's a bit funny and the other is a fit bunny.
My wife says I insult cheese too much
But I dissabrie
My friend went bald years ago but still carries around an old comb with him
he just cant part with it!
Why does lettuce go to the gym a lot?
It was trying to get shredded
What do you call a contortionist with the flu?
A sick, twisted individual.
I've always thought of myself as a rather decent punster.So I decided to submit ten of my best puns to a contest and see if any of them would garner a prize. Sadly...
No pun in ten did.
I offered some performance enhancing drugs to a couple storm troopers.
But those were not the roids they were looking for.
When I play with my dog, he's always conflicted about wanting the ball to be thrown but also not giving up the ball...
It's a real Fetch 22.
How do you know which kidney to donate?
The right one
How different is beer from soda?
Barley.
I found a record with no label the other dayWhen I played it, it was just numbers being called out in decending order
Thats when I realised it was the vinyl countdown
Did you know Albert Einstein died from a blood clot in the brain?
It was a stroke of genius.
I told my half-deaf friend I wanted to be a Tax Attorney.
And I was horrified to find out she got me roadkill.
Ran my first 5km today
Got a personal best
two pieces of shit meet in the sewer
one of them says to other you look a little *flushed* man, you feeling alright
Why shouldnt you sneeze in public?
Because people will turn to look Achoo
Ive had my filling of dentists jokes
and optician jokes are even cornea