I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, Youre an 8 on a scale of 10.
I still dont get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.

I told my wife that I've swapped our bed for a trampoline.
She hit the roof!

I told my partner i was testing her by asking if shes a wife or a mother first
A mother first

Wrong, you married me a year before our first kid.

Got a big groan on that one

Kid: Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Dad: Yes, we arson

Whats black and white and red all over?
The shopping list after my wife asked me to put ketchup on it.

I invented a diy human cloning machine that runs on a regular 110v outlet.
Make yourself at home.

I heard they have great peaches in Georgia.
So I went to a supermarket in Georgia and asked an employee where I can find the peaches. He said, "I'll see," and walked away. I asked another employee and she also said, "I'll see," and walked away. In the end, I gave up and found them myself, in Aisle C.

This just happened in real life, and I got MANY chuckles.
At Costco with the wife and kid. Kid sees a sample booth and asks what theyre offering...

Me: its a hot dog!

Wife: its a European wiener

Me: youre a peeing weiner

I turn to the man offering the sample and say get it?!?

Nothing

Wife loses it, people next to me lose it, kid loses it and wont stop repeating it. Good times had by all, cept maybe for the sample guy.

To the guy who invented zero,
Thanks for nothing.

If someone is playing chess for the first time
Does that make them a Rook?

Did you hear about that restaurant that puts toilet paper on the tables and bread in the bathroom?
Its a complete roll reversal.

What are a chocolate bar's pronouns?
Her/she

What do you need to grow fungi?
As mushroom as possible.

Whats a monkey playing with fireworks?
A baboom!

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
El if I know

You can't grow plants...
If you haven't botany.

Did you hear about the Vietnamese bloke whose surname was "Smith"?
​

He was in a no-Nguyen situation

Fam is going to the zoo today
What are your best zoo/zoo related jokes?

Just when you thought that vegetables dont have phones
Onion rings

Recently I was in the mood for some Swedish pop music
But then I lost my ABBAtite

What did the last surviving foot say after the end of the world?
I Am Leg-End

What type of flower makes the most mistakes?
Whoopsie Daisy

My son talked back when I told him he couldnt have any peanut butter.
Dont you get Skippy with me, young man!

I was telling my buddies I was having a bad day.
My friend said plethora.

Thanks, I said, that means a lot.

*

My other friend said earth.

Thanks, I said, that means the world to me.

*

My other friend said bargain.

Thanks, I said, that means a great deal.

My wife asked me to be less irritating...
So I shaved my face.