My 19yo daughter just dropped this on me: How can you tell if you're having dinner with a termite?
They order the house salad.

I sent my son to his room for saying Jim Morrison was a terrible musician...
Sorry, but we do not slam The Doors in this house.

What do you call sheep rolling down a hill?
A lambslide

What did Jay-Z call Beyonc after he proposed?
Feyonc

. . .. I broke up with my GF Lorraine because I was seeing another woman named Claire Lee . .. .
. .. ..The good news is that I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone . .. .. ..

Why couldn't the pasta get into his house?
Gnocchis.

Why do Canadian cowboys have sticky feet?
Maple stirrups.

What did the Roman emperor say when his female prisoner escaped?
Julius, seize her

The son came home from school a bit sad. Mom goes "what's wrong?" The son said "my math teacher said I probably need some new eyeglasses for math." The mom looked confused.
Then the son said "she said that it can help with division".

Scientists found that even after clinical death a persons eyes can still function for a short period of time
It's mostly because the pupils die-late.

why did the Mexican take anti-anxiety medication? . .. .. ...
its for Hispanic attacks . . ..

Dad: "Name a country without the letter R in it."
​

Son: "No way!"

A museum in Paris, France recently gifted the painting Impression Sunrise to the band Dire Straits.
When asked about it, lead singer Mark Knopfler said the band felt honored to get Monet for nothing.

General knowledge
The smartest guy in the army

How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.

My boss asked me if I ever spread gossip about my coworkers.
I said No, of course not! But you know who does..

A man's doctor told him to eat more eggs for breakfast. He only really liked "sunny side up," but his loving wife made him different eggs every morning. After one particularly stressful week, he sat down to the familiar yellow yolks looking back at him. Ahhh, he sat back with a contented sigh...
Thank God it's fried eggs!

Moon landing.
I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon.

Neil before me.

. .Sadly the inventor of the throat lozenge has passed away . ..
.I have been told there will be no coffin at his funeral .. .

My neighbour named his dog '5 miles' so he could tell people he walked 5 miles every day.
Well today I ran over 5 miles...

I bought two books about decision making
And I dont know which one to start first!

What kind of shoes do chickens wear??
Reebokbok's

. ... .Why did the Dalai Lama go to Vegas?
.. .. well, he loves Tibet . ..

Did you hear about the cowboy who adopted a dachshund?
He wanted to get a long little doggie.

. .Why should you not kick a Volcano .
.. You might Krakatoa . ..