I posted my resume on LinkedIn Park...
Applied so hard and got so far

But in the end I wasn't even hired

My wife gave birth today. After thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and asked How soon can we have sex?
He glanced at his watch, winked, and said,

Im off in ten minutes. Meet me in the parking lot.

I accidentally drank holy water with my laxative
Im about to start a religious movement.

To be frank,
I'll have to change my name.

The government just shut down a farm after receiving a tip that they were splicing human and lettuce DNA...
Once on the scene they found human romaines!

I found out last night that Albert Einstein was a real person.
I was quite surprised, because I always thought that he was a theoretical physicist.

I found out why Teslas are so expensive.
It's because they charge a lot.

Yesterday I found a forgotten wallet. I wondered what Jesus would have done.
I turned it into wine.

Sadly, the inventor of the throat lozenge has died.
There will be no coffin at his funeral.

I will see myself out

How big is the average fence?
Around a yard.

A Mexican Magician tells his audience he will disappear before they can count to three.
The crowd starts, Uno! Dos! and poof, he disappeared without a tres.

The problem with eating pizza is that when Ive had one I want another, and another
Its the Dominos effect

A man assaulted me with milk the other day
How dairy

How does Dolly Parton keep her swimming pool clean?
Chlorine,chlorine,chlorine,chlorineeeeen

Breaking News: Elon Musk & Bill Gates have joined hands to make a Penis Enhancer.....
They will call it ELONGATES

Why are the Dallas Cowboys America's team?
They're at home watching the superbowl just like all Americans.

I was trying to find impostor in the dictionary.
It was next to impossible.

What was Beethoven's favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-na!

How do you comfort a kid who's afraid people are stalking him?
They're there...

I stole a rabbit today.
Then I had to make a run for it.

This morning, I coughed up a pawn, a knight and a bishop
I think I must be coming down with a chess infection.

When can you never plant flowers?
When you haven't botany.

What's the best kind of triangle to ask on a date
acute triangle

What do you call a beautiful cow?
Adora-bull

You dont need a parachute to go skydiving.
You need a parachute to go skydiving *twice*.