The female janitor asked me if I wanted to smoke weed with her.
I said no; I dont like high maintenance women

I texted my date that I was looking forward to taking her to my favorite Italian spot. She wrote back, Um sorry, those places are usually rat-infested. Ok, then Chinese? Ew, cockroaches! Greek? They probably have termites. How about you meet my dog for a nice walk? Nah she likely has fleas.
I had no idea I was dealing with such a pestimist.

Someone just tried to sell me a coffin.
That's the last thing I need.

Breaking Bad was a great series.
But it had its Heisenlows.

A cop knocks at the door. "Mr Smith, may I see a photo of your wife, please?"
"Certainly, there you are" says Mr Smith.

"I'm sorry" says the cop. "It looks like your wife was hit by a bus."

Mr Smith replies "That's true, but she's a great cook."

Not a joke I want to thank whoever posted the joke about having peekaboo virus last week
My daughter is a nurse in the UK National Health Service and I sent it to her on WhatsApp:

Hi darling, I dont want to worry you but Ive been diagnosed with peekaboo syndrome.
.
.
.
Theyre taking me to the ICU.

She replied with the eye rolling emoji and I said Id really enjoyed it. She replied:

I liked it but I'm mad about it because it caught me out. Because I naturally worry about your health.

This is peak dad jokes to me.

What do you call a cleaning skeleton?
The grim sweeper.

What did the invitation to the ghost party say?
Bring your own boos.

I wrote a book about the Black Death and sent it to a publisher, but they rejected it
They accused me of Plaguerism.

What do you call it when a person dies and comes back as a cowboy?
Reintarnation

Drumroll please
As I get older my dad jokes just keep getting better. I was taking the girls to high school this morning as I usually do. Krissie and Savannah were talking about Krissie's Japanese class. She was saying that they had different spellings and dialects. Savannah asked her how many Japaneses there were.

I said you know if Scarlett, Gia and Georgia lived in Japan they would be your Japannieces...

Dead silence. They were not impressed.

lame joke of the day...
a grasshopper walks into a bar.
the barkeep says 'Hey, we have a drink named after you.'
the grasshopper replies, 'you have a drink named Doug.'

Salesman
Long

A Salesman was driving down a country road when the heavens opened up and a massive rain storm started. In the distance a farm house appeared so the salesman drove up to the house. The farmers wife opened the door and salesman was invited inside and he asked if there was a spare room he could stay in. Farmers wife said ok and showed him to a room upstairs.
In the morning the salesman was getting dressed and looked out the window and saw the water was flowing past the house. He noticed a hen house go floating by and a few logs also, then a hat went past and then turned around and went back the other way. This continued a few times and intrigued went down stairs and told the farmers wife.
She replied Oh that would be my husband and told me, come hell or high water he was gonna mow the lawn today!

Did you hear about the scientist who tried to cross a cheetah's DNA with a crab's?
Things went sideways real fast.

How does Willy Wonka keep the chocolate factory clean?
Umpa Rumbas!

Scissors in the freezer
This happened a few years ago. My wife had cut up some multi-packs of chicken from Costco before putting them in the deep freezer and accidentally left the scissors in the basket inside the top of the freezer. A few hours later my then 16yo son goes to grab something out of said freezer, and yells out "Why would anyone put a pair of scissors in the freezer?! Who did it? Why!?!?" I yelled back "I don't know but, they OBVIOUSLY wanted some cold cuts"

Have you heard of the musical group called The Trojans?
Theyre a pretty good rubber band.

Which pasta is most likely to fix an awards show?
Rigatoni.

5 years ago, I asked out the love of my life
Today I asked her to marry me.

She said "No" both times.

What do you call the spirit of a dead snail?
A ghostropod.

Happy spooky season everyone

Bones.
You cant insult a skeleton,
nothing gets under their skin.

Did you hear about the Egyptian God that got a computer?
He went online to check his Horuscope.

What do you call an alligator that solves mysteries?
An investiGator.

Books that were never written:
Running to the Outhouse by Willy Makit
Illustrated by Betty Wont