Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism - its a light sentence, but theyre given time to reflect

Ditzy husband to wife, Honey, I think I know why you have been gaining weight. Wife, Lets hear it
Husband, Pretty sure its your shampoo. It says on the bottle that it creates extra body.

Its ok to use natural materials when sewing, but dont try making underwear out of grapes or bananas.
They just bunch up on ya.

Ive been dating an entomologist for over a year now
And she still gives me butterflies.

Some people say that the USA is the stupidest country in the world.
Well I'm American and I say that the stupidest country in the world is Alaska.

A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, Give me all your money or your geography!
Puzzled, the teller asks, Dont you mean history?

The robber yells, Dont change the subject!"

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it.
He phones the police and says, "Bejesas, I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."

The operator asks, "Is it tickin?"

and Paddy says, "No, I tink its beef"

I told my wife i wanted to be cremated.
She made an appointment for Tuesday.

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night
The waiter came over and they gave their drink order.

'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy. 'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy. 'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy. 'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy. 'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy. 'the chocolate cheesecake, with whipped cream, please', said the second piggy. 'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.

'Pardon my curiosity,' said the waiter to the third little piggy, 'But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'

The third piggy says -

'Well, SOMEBODY has to go "Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"

How many ship wrecks are on the bottom of the sea?
All of them.

What is a consequence of going to war with Iran?
Your gas Israeli high!

I wondered why the frisbee got bigger and bigger,
And then it hit me.

Newton is credited with the theory of gravity
Before that it was all up in the air.

I was at an Estate sale this weekend...
I found a TV for sale with a sign saying, Stuck on maximum volume, only $5.00".

Thought to myself, I cant turn that down!

I was in Australia and learnt the word boo in an Aboriginal means "to return"
Because if you throw a normal meringue, it doesn't come back

What do you give a scientist with bad breath?
Experi-mints

A man arrives home and says to his wife: "What would you do if I told you I had a winning lottery ticket?"
She replies, "Honestly? I would take my half and leave you."

"Great!" says the man, and hands her $10. "Here's your half. Now pack your bags."

I sent Coldplay a fruit basket full of ripe bananas.
They were all yellow.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender: says: "Hey!"
Horse: "Yes, please!"

Wife says I'm addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers
I should quit cold turkey.

Toad from super Mario bros walks into a bar, the bartender says
You look like a fungi.

My teenagers were making fun of me for using outdated sayings
So i said weird flex, but ok

My wife said, You never listen to a word I say!
I thought thats a strange way to start a conversation.

I ordered duck for dinner last night.
The bill was huge!

What do you call a Japanese Pasta showing its gratitude?
Arigatoni