Did you hear about the guy who collapsed trying to climb Mount Everest?
Authorities just found Himalayan there.

Archaeologists say that all the houses in Pompeii had the same design flaw.
The flaw is lava.

Did you know that Bigfoot often gets confused for Sasquatch,
yeti never complains.

Did you know there is one specific model of car you can legally drive in the bus lane, but only in reverse
Because if you are going backwards in a Subaru , U R A Bus

What is brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr. Dre

What type of workouts did Jesus do?
Crossfit

Why should you never clean your teeth with the left hand?
Because a toothbrush is much more effective.

My son told me trees poop. I said no they don't.
He replied, 'Then where do number 2 pencils come from?'

My wife said all I do is make stupid animal jokes
Shes free to see otter people

A truck carring chickens got into a crash and the police are investigating it.
They suspect it was fowl play.

I bought coconut shampoo today, but when I got home, I realized...
I don't even have a coconut...

What would you call a perfectly-shaped bush?
A utopiary.

Why do people say quitters never win?
I quit smoking years ago and that was quite the victory.

What is the cleanest animal in the savanna?
The hygiena (credits to my 12yo son)

And the dirtiest animal? The unhygiena (credits to my 10yo daughter)

What do mermaids wash their fins with?
Tide

Bell.
Sure, Alexander Graham Bell was great,

but I'm more impressed by the work of his brother, Taco.

I lost my virginity when I was a teenager at a weight-loss camp. She was, by far, the largest of all the other campers there. At one point she looked down at me and said I was her first crush.
and she left quite an impression on me.

Why did the ram go off the cliff?
He didn't see the ewe turn.

Whats faster than an escalator?
An escasooner

I broke two of my dads Queen records...
Now I want to break three.

Star Wars fans: Where do you take a sick Taun-Taun?
To a Hoth-pital!

What comes after a Good Friday?
A Better Saturday!

Yknow, I actually got this haircut yesterday. Its not my style but...
I think its growing on me.

Did you hear about the Australian IT person?
they're from the LAN down under

I hired a troop of actors to renovate my house
But they kept breaking the fourth wall