My lesbian friend was telling me about how expensive it was for her and her wife to have a baby. Even the sperm banks was charging outrageous prices.
I told her , "yeah anything hand made is going to cost a lot."

I went to my doctors and noticed that they had my blood type recorded as B+. I said, thats not right...
that's gotta be a type O

After 59 years I finally come to terms with not being able to get back to my original weight goal
After all 8 lb 3 oz is pretty unrealistic

A friend said she did not understand cloning. I told her...
that makes two of us.

Cop pulls over a little old lady and asks for her licence and registration.
When she pulls out her wallet, he sees a handgun in her purse. "Ma'am, is that a gun in your purse?" "Yes, Officer, it's a .38 Smith & Wesson revolver." "Please place that purse on the passenger seat, Ma'am, and don't make any sudden moves towards it. Do you have any other weapons I should know about?" "Well, there's a Colt 1911 automatic in the glove compartment..." "Okay, let's stay away from that side of the car. Anything else?" "I got a .22 Derringer in my bra, but it's just a little peashooter. Wouldn't hurt a fly." The cop sighs, and asks, "Do you have any other weapons on you?" "What do you mean by 'on me'?" "Ma'am, do you have any other weapons? Just tell me." "Okay, there's a Mossberg 12 gauge pump action and an AK-47 in the trunk." The cop pauses for a moment. "Ma'am, you have a revolver, a derringer, an automatic pistol, a shotgun, and an assault rifle, What are you so afraid of?" "Not a goddamn thing.

She came in wearing a dress the color of pastrami, a blouse the color of rye bread and a scarf the color of sauerkraut.
Some would say she was...Reubenesque.

A Mexican fireman has two sons. Ones name is Jose. Whats the other sons name?
Hose B

Why did the sailors have to stop playing cards?
The Captain was standing on the deck.

Did you hear who won the laundry detergent competition?
They Tide... but certainly gave it their All.

After years of research, I have invented a new kind of saw.
It's cutting-edge technology.

Never argue with a blind person.
They'll never see things from your point of view.

My friend wrote a essay about philosophy to convince me a 2-inch river was shallow
I told him it wasn't that deep

Howd the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank coffee before it was cool.

One time I met a beekeeper who had a glass eye with a picture of the Disney character Belle.
I was confused until I remembered that beauty is in the eye of the bee holder

I bought a world map,took it home,gave my wife a dart and said
''Where you land the dart,I'm taking you on holiday.''Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge

Never challenge Death to a pillow fight...
unless you are prepared for the Reaper Cushions

What kind of building weighs the least?
A Lighthouse

Since the coronation of King Charles, there has been discussion about orthographic modernization (shortening spelling of words like "colour" and "labour") but the UK government responded
Never gonna give "u" up

Why did karl marx write in lowercase?
because he hated capitals.

What did Osama Bin Ladin say when he met Jackie?
"Hi Jackie!"

Why didnt any of Luke Skywalkers marriages last?
He always followed Obi-Wans advice: Use divorce, Luke

We combined the DNA of a Cheetah with the DNA of a Crab...
... Things went sideways really fast!

How does a lawyer sleep?
He lies on one side and rolls over and lies on the other side.

My wife said she is going to split up with me cause I like star wars
May divorce be with you

Why isn't there a clock in the library?
Because it tocks too much.