My girlfriend accused me of having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerwchllyndrobwllllandysiliogogogoch.
I said, "How can you say such a thing?!"
Pair of jumper cables walk into a bar, bartender says I am fine to serve you but
But you better not start anything .
Why do generational witches avoid using popular dating apps?Because their ancestors had bad experiences with matches on Tinder.
(I just heard this on another platform. Apologies if told recently.)
I asked my personal trainer if he could teach me how to do Kegel exercises.
He said that wasnt necessary, since most people are self-taut.
A new Indian restaurant has opened near me called Karma. It doesn't have a menu to order from.
You just get what you deserve!
Just a quick reminder that at a Nudist Colony Wedding, there are NO dress rehearsals.
It's unsuitable.
My son said, Dad, my new French friend wants me to lend him my homework. I don't want to, but I'm afraid he'll stop being my friend.
I said, Son, i know its hard, but don't give into Pierre pressure.
What jam can't you eat?
Traffic
I heard you are really good with horses*In a low raspy voice* No, my throat is just sore.
What?
I'm a hoarse whisperer
As a huge Deep Purple fan and SCUBA instructor i have an issue with an employee
smoked under water, i'm fireing this guy.
Which fish are the strongest?
Mussels.
Parallel Lines Have So Much in Common
Its a shame theyll never meet
I stared death in the face and accused him of having an uncomfortable couch
Woeful reaper cushions.
Told my son how I used to hate facial hair
but then it grew on me
What happens when Dory and Wall-e combine?
Room E
What does a cannibal eat to freshen their breath?
Ligaments
What is the most judgemental type of hot tub?
The j'accuzi!
Had to leave my job at the gym cause I couldnt even lift 20kgs
I had to submit my too weak notice
I remember the very first time I laid eyes on my future wife when she was assigned to be my partner in anatomy lab.
She was all like, Ew, Jesus! Get these things off of me!
Did you see the movie about the Catholic church running short of Eucharist wafers and how they managed?
It was called The Ration of the Christ.
How do you know that Manta Rays aren't female?
Cuz then they'd be called Wo-man-ta Ray.
A man went to a Halloween costume party wearing a green onesie a carrying a woman on his back.The host of the party, wearing a skeleton costume, walked up to greet him.
'What have you come dressed as?' The host asked.
'I'm a tortoise.' The man replied.
'And who's this?' The host asked, gesturing to the woman on his back.
'Oh, that,' said the man. 'That's Michelle.'
What do you call a man with a rubber toe?
Roberto
Ice cream.
Where do you go to learn to make ice creams ?
Sunday school.