Tears were streaming down my face and I couldnt get them to stop. So I ran to a nearby military base. Are there any Marines here?? No. Army? Nope. A Navy SEAL? Sorry. What about an Air Force pilot? Finally, the administrator looked at me and said, Sir what is this about?
I said, Sorry I just need a soldier to cry on.

This just happened in real life, and I got not even a chuckle.
True story: the wife and I were walking in Target this evening. We were walking in the clothing section, behind an employee who was moving a mannequin. Out of nowhere the whole arm pops off, and the poor woman cant bend to pick it up because ya know shes holding the rest of the mannequin. So I walk up, grab the limb while shes looking around for another employee to help, hold it out to her and say

Here, let me give you a hand

She took it. No laughter. My wife? Nothing. So I am posting here in the hopes that my genius will be appreciated. Keep getting those dad jokes in the wild, folks.

It takes me 5 minutes to walk from my home to the bar, but 20 minutes to walk from the bar back to my home.
The difference is staggering.

I peaked.
Sharing an IRL moment that might be the peak for bad puns for me, and that's saying something:

---

My wife and I were moving and she, a musician (predominantly violin), was packing up her sheet music in 2 identical baskets.

She said "I used to have these so neat. This one was all violin music, and this one was everything else. But over the years they've gotten all mixed up." And I sensed there was something there, so I took a long pause to think and then...

"...you're not going to have to re-sort to violins, are you?"

---

That one might have caused her physical pain, I still think about it.

The birds & the birds
This happened in real life and I swear Ill never be funnier than this:

Riding somewhere with my (very progressive) mother, the topic of bromance comes up, and its all joking around. Then my mom says, Thats like two guys getting way too close, its justunnatural.

Me: Well Mom, sometimes two men love each other the way men and women do. They call it the birds and the birds.

Mom: Well of course I know that, I have no problem with

Me: Because they both have peckers.

I just had a vasectomy done.
The areas still quite sore and I have to walk gingerly, but apart from that, theres not a vas deferens.

I was telling my buddies I was having a bad day.
My friend said plethora.

Thanks, I said, that means a lot.

*

My other friend said earth.

Thanks, I said, that means the world to me.

*

My other friend said bargain.

Thanks, I said, that means a great deal.

What bird doesn't have kids ?
Swallow

How do farmers party?
They turnip the beet!!

I won a best fancy dress competition disguised as a mop.I easily beat all contestants.
I wiped the floor with them.

My cow said she doesn't want children...
She drinks de-calf now.

You know how some Neon lights make a really loud noise?
When they turn them off, do they call it...The Silence of the Lamps?

I need to buy seven chainsaws.
What for?

No, I said seven.

I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn't show up.
That's when I knew we weren't gonna work out.

Whats a fruit you always get two of?
Pears.

(daughter says she came up with that one)

My cellphone accidentally took a 10 minute video of my shoes yesterday...
It was some pretty good Footage.

Every costume party I've gone to, I've dressed as a shark...
And the joke is wearing fin...

This time I'm a hammerhead shark and I think I've finally nailed it!

Did you hear that they found a food that only lawyers like?
Its an esquired taste

Where do mansplainers get their water?
From a well, actually.

What's the laziest empire in history?
Ottoman Empire

What do you call an operating system with ED ?
Microsoft

Why was Aladdin banned from the Olympics?
He was caught using performance enhancing rugs.

My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

My friend got married in a T Mobile.
The wedding was a little dull, but the reception was incredible.

When a new dock is constructed, its required to undergo a rigorous inspection.
Its part of the pier review process.