Whats the difference between toilet paper and curtains?
(Expecting the answer I dont know)

So it was you!

I got a new compass, but I don't know how to use it.
It didn't come with directions...

70% of the Earth's surface is covered in water and none of it is carbonated.
That's my proof that the Earth is flat.

Why is Santa Claus so jolly?
He knows where all the naughty girls live

I was trying to figure out how to put my seatbelt on today.
Then it suddenly clicked.

Whats it called when your doctor corrects your punctuation?
A medically induced comma

A blonde girl was so tired of hearing blonde jokes
To the point she thought about dyeing...

Me: *Asking my kid on their 8th birthday before every meal*
Are you even hungry? You already 8.

My wife: *glaring at me for the rest of my life*

What brand of power tools does Mozart use?
DeWaltz

I go to the psychiatrist. After 20 minutes, he tells me I have a split personality and asks for $150.
Take it up with the other guyhe's the rich dude.

Did you know everyone is born with four kidneys?
When you grow up, two of them become adult knees.

And only one of those works right.

An obsession over pillows can really get to people
First its the synthetics-stuffed pillows

Then the cotton pillows

Then its all Down from there

My wife asked if she might have a little peace and quiet while cooking dinner...
So I took the battery out of the smoke detector.

A guy walks into a bar joke
A writer walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I'm writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life," he tells the bartender. "It's an oughtobiography."

How did the penguin build his house?
Igloos it together

Orlando Bloom used to have an extensive Lego collection he worked on with his kids. Unfortunately his home was broken into and many sets were stolen.
It was a great Lego-loss.

(Not my joke, one of those random Reddit comments under a post, wanted to share because its really clever!)

TIL the word gibberish is a palindrome
Backwards it is hsirebbig, which is gibberish

I made a compass that points west instead of north
A customer told me it was faulty.

I assured him I had set it up occidentally on purpose.

Suspected thief arrested after being found asleep on a wireless battery pack.
A man has been charged.

I told Ivan Drago that Rocky Balboa uses hair coloring...
...He shrugged and said, *"If he dyes, he dyes."*

What does a cannibal pirate eat?
Carne armada!

At one time, I was very poor. I couldn't even pay my electricity bill.
That was the darkest period of my life.

At dinner, I asked my date if she enjoys talking about the American Civil War.
She said, Sometimes, but not General Lee.

What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer?
Father-In-Law!

Last night, I had this incredibly vivid dream where a young spirit emerged from the darkness, looked me straight in the eyes, and whispered, Im your inner child.
I was like, Are you kid in me??