If Farmer A sells apples and Farmer B sells bananas, what does Farmer C sell?
Medicine

SCUBA is an acronym for self-contained underwater breathing apparatus.
TUBA is an acronym for terrible underwater breathing apparatus.

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
SUPPLIES!!!

If you have 7 pears in one hand, and 10 in the other, what do you have?
Giant hands, obviously.

I asked my friend why he gave up his career as a farmer
He said he chose the wrong field

What do you call a fox with a carrot in each ear?
Anything you like, he can't hear you

Did you hear that JK Rowling is rewriting the Harry Potter series to reflect her political beliefs?
Professor McGonagall now teaches figuration.

I seem to have a problem every time I wear mittens
But I cant put my finger on it.

Why would the reindeer lose their jobs if Santa became a cyborg?
Because he would use RAM instead.

Did you know that the pool on the titanic still has water in it?
Amazing after all these years.

I visited a fortune teller and she told me she could see huge heartbreak for me in 12 years time...
... So to cheer myself up I went and bought a dog!

Where does a sheep go to get a haircut?
The baa baa shop.

What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill?
A lambslide.

My mom claims that I loved alphabet soup when I was little.
I didnt really. She was just putting words in my mouth.

My son keeps trying to set the clocks back.
I wont let him. Not on my watch.

Someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch
Ouch

SHIT!
*knock knock* *door opens* *panting* Im here *pants* im finally he- *looks up* who are you? Im the guy that lives here *pants* so you mean to tell me, i walked 500 miles, and 500 more, just to be the man to walk 1000 miles to fall down at her door, and she's not even here? She moved like a year ago broseph SHIT!

I was going to get an espresso and ice cream
But I was so drowsy affagato 'bout it.

Kids have recently figured out the answer to the ultimate question of life the universe and everything
6*7

I drew Mark Hamill on my wife's forehead while she was asleep.
You should have seen the Luke on her face.

What do you call a potato wearing glasses?
A spec-tater.

What do you call a security guard working for Samsung?
Guardian of the galaxy

What did the crowd yell at the loser of the reindeer games?
Caribooooo

What is Santas favorite potato chip?
Crisp pringles..