What's a different phrase you can use for anal bleaching?
Changing your ringtone.
An older gentleman was being tailgated by a stressed-out lady on a busy street.Suddenly, the light turned yellow just ahead of him, and he did the right thing; he stopped at the crosswalk to allow the waiting pedestrians cross.
The lady behind him lost it. She battered the horn, yelling and gesturing wildly because she missed her chance to make the light.
In the middle of her rant, there was a tap on her window. She looked up to see a police officer.
She was taken to the police station and placed in a holding cell.
A couple of hours later, the officer opened the door and said,
Im very sorry for the mistake, maam, let me explain. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and shouting cuss words I, even as a police officer, have never heard before.
Then I noticed the What Would Jesus Do? bumper sticker, the Follow Me to Sunday School sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish on the trunk.
Naturally I assumed the car was stolen.
A man brings his Rottweiler into the vet. My dog is cross-eyed is there anything you can do for him?Well, the vet says, Lets have a look at him. The vet picks up the dog and looks into his eyes. After a few second the he says, Im afraid Im going to have to put him down.
The shocked owner replies, what?! Because hes cross-eyed?!
No, because hes heavy.
A pun walks into a bar, and ten people die
pun in, ten dead.
What do you call the belly of a woman whos pregnant with twins?
A two bed womb apartment.
The guy who invented the Ferris wheel never met the guy who invented the merry-go-round.
They traveled in different circles.
What kind of medical condition causes wrinkled clothes?
An iron deficiency.
Im old enough to remember when computers only came with a keyboard. Initially I couldnt see the point of a mouse
Then it clicked
I was talking to my friend the other day and he told me he doesnt understand cloning
I said that makes two of us.
The local farmer replaced his rooster with a duck..
.. now he gets up at the quack of dawn!
2 Blondes are building a house...1st Blonde... Takes a nail out of her pouch, looks it over, then hammers it into the wall... takes another nail out, checks it over, and throws it away.. she does this for every other nail for a while until the 2nd Blond notices...
2nd Blonde: "Why are you throwing away every other nail???"
1st Blonde: "Because the point is on the wrong side!"
2nd Blonde: "No Dummy! It's Blondes like you that give the rest of us bad names!!!"
"Those nails are for the other side of the wall!"
I just got a new dry erase board
it's remarkable
Why did the bee need glasses?He had aSTINGmatism.
My 6y/o boy that just got glasses dropped this bomb on me.
Sundays are always a little sad,
but the day before it is a sadder day
Sade gets seated at a restaurant with friendsA bald waiter singing opera style walks into the kitchen.
What the hell was that?, asks a friend.
Sade- No need to ask, hes a smooth opera waiter
When I went to the chiropractor, he tried to explain the entire evolution of the spinal cord.
I said, Look, I dont need the whole back story.
When do you know the medieval orgy is over?
When the knight has come
What was George Washington's favorite music genre
I heard he loved his country
I was going to tell a joke about a woman who only eats plants
But you guys have probably never heard of herbivore.
What do you call a man who lost his car?
Carlos
What do you do with dead chemists?
Barium.
How many optometrists does it talk to change a lightbulb?Is it one or two?
One, or two?
When we were cleaning up a project in the garage, I told my son to put the lids back on the baking soda, borax, and bleach. He asked, Why?
I said, I just want to make sure all our bases are covered.
What do you call a man who eats ice cream slowly?
Alec
What do you call a lazy kangaroo?
A pouch potato