What did Harry Potter say when he filled up his gas tank?
Expensive Petroleum

Why should you say break a leg to wish someone luck when theyre auditioning for a play?
Because you want them to end up in the cast.

I'll never forget what my grandad said to me before he croaked.
He said "hey kid, wanna hear my frog impression?"

I refuse to see any doctor named William.
Im not looking to deal with medical Bills.

What do you call a Chinese amputee
TaiWanShu

I entered a lottery to win an entire shopping center, but I failed.
I guess you can't win a mall.

I just got hired at a parsley farm.
Its pretty easy work but the downside is that they started garnishing my wages.

The funeral home interred my father in the wrong burial plot.
I said it was a grave mistake.

What do you call a dog on a submarine?
A subwoofer

Dad jokes in space!
On the last day of the Artemis II Mission, mission specialist Christina Koch wanted milk in her coffee, to which Commander Reid Wiseman said You cant use milk. In space, no one can; here use cream.

(Cant confirm if Commander Wiseman actually said this, but apparently this was overhead. I know a transmission from yesterday morning for splashed down.)

I saw a pitcher being mistreated today.
pour thing

What did the pirate say when he turned eighty?
Aye matey

Dad jokes
Im a gay dad and uncle. My partner came with a kid and nieces/nephews. Tonight my niece (4) told me after dinner that All my Barbies died.

Without missing a beat I asked her Should we notify her Next of Ken and I actually made myself laugh, then told everyone that would listen in the house, including her in order brother (12), and then the internet.

Its not an original joke, but by God was I proud of such a milestone. Time to strap on the New Balances and start mowing.

My ex-wife once shouted at me, "You're boring! You're really boring!"
So I put the drill down and said, "I know that!".

One year I bought my mother-in-law a cemetery plot for Christmas
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year

I finished reading the dictionary last night.
the story line was hard to follow but it had its defining moments

Man, I hate the flu.
It should be shot.

50 cents grandma made him a sweater for Christmas. You know what he asked her?
Gee, you knit?

When our granny died, she said, plethora.
That meant a lot.

Mister and Mrs. Potato Head were excited to announce the birth of twins.
Every one came by to see their newborn tater tots.

What was Hitlers favorite video game?
Mein Kraft

When 50 cent was hungry,
58.

Changed the rubber on all 4 wheels today.
It was about time my car be retired.

When the ceramic tiles on your backsplash keep falling off, is that ...
... erect tile dysfunction?

What kind of transportation does a moonshiner use to move his shipment?
Alco-haul.