If you're being bothered by a bee...
Just look at it. Seeing is bee leaving.

A miner is driving to work and gets pulled over
The cops asks: Where are you going, whose car is this, what do you do for a living.

The miner responded: Mine.

What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddily-squats

My brother convinced me to go halves on a used funeral car...
I can't believe I was so easily co-hearsed.

Telling someone that you're a "dog mom"...
..implies that you're a real bitch.

Our daughter the Xray technician married one of her patients.
We just don't know what she saw in him.

What is the internal temperature of a Taun-Taun?
Luke Warm

What do you call a lazy kangaroo?
A Pouch Potato

Someone came up to me outside and said "I thought you'd be younger"
I said, "I was".

While driving across the country with the family
I decided we would go a little out of our way to visit my good childhood friend Nick Miller. The kids were not happy, they wanted to get to our final destination as quickly as possible. They complained and complained and complained, but I insisted that we take the See Nick route.

Why are there poptarts but no momtarts?
The pastryarchy

If you think you can come up with a better joke about big cats than me
Youre lion.

8 hours of sleep each night, perfect diet, exercise every day, mental health on track, zero alcohol, zero debt and extremely hydrated.
This was my peak. I was 8 years old.

I just picked up a bottle of that new Fred Flintstone aftershave. Its strong stuff, you only need to use a tiny bit.
A little dabll do...

It finally happened. The legendary Holy Grail of dad jokes occurred at the dentist today.
I was at the dentist's front desk needing to reschedule my appointment.
Receptionist: "How about tomorrow?"
Me: "Sounds good. What time?"
Receptionist: "2:30."
I froze, locked eyes with her, and slowly began to grin.
Me: "Are you serious?"
Receptionist: "Umm... yes?"
Me: "Are you telling me I have a dentist appointment at Tooth Hurty?!"
She completely lost it. I think I've officially peaked as a father.

My doctor asked if I was ready for my prostate exam. I said, Absolutely
Ive been studying all week.

This world has 10 kinds of people
Those who can count in binary, and those who can't.

I unfortunately had to cancel my surfing lessons
Luckily the fee was waived.

What do you get when you cross a dog and a tulip?
A Collie-flower

How does a hamburger introduce his wife?
Meet Patty.

Why did the polyamorist fail his drivers exam?
It wasnt multiple choice.

This world has two types of people
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

Sore throats...
Are a pain in the neck.

What do you call a $2 chicken?
Buck buck

After many unsuccessful attempts, the chef realized he could never cultivate yeast for sourdough bread baked in a tandoor oven
It was a naan starter.