I've never seen the movie Frozen, so I asked my 4 year old daughter to summarize it for me
She looked at me funny and said, well if I SUMMERIZE it, then it would be called MELTED!!

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect
and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

Two horses have been married for years..
.. and their relationship is getting a little stale particularly in the bedroom.

The male decides to look on the internet for ideas, and discovers lingerie for horses. He tells his wife he's going shopping, and heads into the town. After much searching he finds a few of the things he's looking for, of course it's tricky for him to carry it home, so he tucks it into his bridle.

He pops into a bar on the way home, and the bartender asks "why the thong lace?"

My wife said Im sick of you pretending to be a detective and that we should split up.
I said thats a great idea, we can cover more ground that way.

Fun fact; around 60% of people who watched The Cure live in concert...
actually watched Placebo and enjoyed it just as much.

A sperm donor, a carpenter and Julius Caesar walked into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered.

What does the drummer name his twin daughters?
Ana 1, Ana 2.

My son excitedly asked me if I wanted to watch a show about how they dug a tunnel under the English Channel to connected England to France.
I told him, "No thanks that sounds like a boring documentary."

A man in an interrogation room says Im not saying a word without my lawyer present. "But you are the lawyer" replied the cops.
"Exactly, so wheres my present?"

Did you hear about the guy who robbed an ice cream shop?
He was charged with Grand Theft Gelato.

Scientists recently combined the DNA of a Cheetah with the DNA of a Crab.
Things went sideways really fast!

My daughter walked out of her room wearing tissue boxes on her feet
She said "Look dad, I'm wearing ti-shoes"

True story

Fun fact: Australia's biggest export is boomerangs.
It's also their biggest import.

My hot girlfriend was banned from the library.
Because everyone kept trying to check her out.

What do you call a singing computer?
A Dell.

What do you call a grizzly with no teeth?
A gummy bear.

Told my Canadian pal I got into an argument with my wife.
"Why don't you buy her a bouquet?" he asked.

I said, "She isn't a big reader."

Don't trust comedians
They're always up to some funny business

To make a long story short
I became an editor.

I told my husband that it was his turn to shovel and salt the front steps.
All I got was icy stares.

Are people allowed to loud laughing in Hawaii
Or just a low ha?

Whats an astronauts favorite part of a computer?
The space bar.

So Julie the Sultana has been cheating on her husband with Steve the Raisin.
Just keeping you up to date with currant affairs.

What is a dog's favorite vehicle?
A waggin

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?
Missle toe