Your duck is dead!
A woman brings a duck to the vet. The vet says "your duck is dead". The woman says "are you sure?"

Vet: "Yes". Woman: "How can you be sure you've done no tests?".

The vet brings in a Labrador retriever which sniffs the duck and shakes its head. Next, a cat sniffs the duck and shakes its head. Vet says "sorry, but as I said your duck is dead".

Vet hands woman a bill. She cries, "$820 to tell me my duck is dead!". Vet says "if you had taken my word for it, the bill would be $20, but Lab Reports and Cat Scans cost extra".

Its Valentine's Day!...I want my girlfriend to be swept off her feet and transported to the tropics...
...so I reported her to ICE.

My doctor told me Ill have hearing aids soon
But for now its just hearing HIV

I grilled a chicken for three hours
It still wouldn't tell me why it crossed the road.

Arial and Helvetica Walk Into A Bar
Arial and Helvetica walk into a bar.

The bartender says, Hey, we dont serve your type. Get outta here before I call the Serif!

Get a load of this newbie, Helvetica scoffs. Whats your name, bartender?

Roman, says the bartender, flustered at being hassled on his first shift, but what does that have to do with anything?

Helvetica leans in. You better get with the Times New Roman, she jeers, because someone shot the Serif!

What?! gasps Arial. Do you mean to say this whole town is Sans Serif?

Why do you only ever see teenage girls in groups of 3, 5 or 7?
Because they can't even...

How do you tell if a parrot is lying?
Pollygraph.

How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.

What do you call an Indian karaoke singer?
Getupan Singh

Never use Beef casserole as you computer password
It's not stroganoff

Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church, and Reverend Thibodeaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road.
They were both standing by the road pounding a sign in the ground that read...

Da End is Near Turn Yo Self Round Before it Be Too Late

As a car sped past them...the driver leaned out the window and yelled... You religious Nuts!

From the curve they heard screechin tires and a big splash...

Boudreaux turns to Thibodeaux and asks... Do you tink maybe da sign should jussay...Bridge Out?

A wife walks in on her husband playing on his PlayStation.
"The house is still filthy! I thought I asked you to sweep the house!" she says.

"I did" replied the husband, "I found no hostiles"

People think root beer is harmless for kids, but you can accidentally change it to beer if you arent careful
Make sure you dont put it in a square cup

What do you call a Mexican salamander thats always eating between meals?
A snaxolotl.

I bought a pair of sneakers from a known drug dealer.
I dont know what he laced them with,

but Ive been tripping all day.

I've got an addiction to cheddar cheese.
Its only mild though.

I just read a very long article on Japanese Sword Fighting.
Allow me to Samurais it for you.

r
No, usually they are round

I saw Indian Justin Bieber...
but he can't Singh

Scandinavian teams are really good at curling
They might even sweep the medals

Lance is an uncommon name nowadays
But in medieval times, people were named Lance a lot.

On Valentines Day, there are only 25 letters of the Alphabet
Everyone forgets about the Ex

I think I figured out why most Stephen King books are set in the same state:
It's easy to write Maine characters.

I've been trying not to speak with a twang anymore.
I'm going through withdrawls.

What does a vampire call his Valentine?
His ghoul-friend.