Did you know Albert Einstein died from a blood clot in the brain?
It was a stroke of genius.

Did you hear about the guy who died when a periodic table fell on him?
The official cause of death was "exposure to the elements".

Why shouldnt you sneeze in public?
Because people will turn to look Achoo

Did you hear about the goose that had to resort to stripping to buy a house?
It's the only way she could make the down payment.

Whats the difference between a dad joke and an athletic rabbit?
Ones a bit funny and the others a fit bunny.

Shopping with my wife at the mall, I said, Babe, you need to accept that Im a changed man.
She goes, Get out of the damn dressing room already.

You call them Sleeveless Shirts
I call them Ampu-Tees

I'm writing a book about WD-40.
It's Non-Friction

Went to Aldis yesterday
I went to Aldis grocery store yesterday to pick up a few items. I noticed theyre now selling a Humpty Dumpty toy. It comes with Aldi kings horses and Aldi kings men.

Genuine question- what makes something a dad joke?
I think its when the punchline is apparent.

We have a laminator in our office that makes a weird noise.
It goes, "I'll be baaaaaack."

Some jokes I've collected, and some I made up
Some of these I made up, but they are obvious so I don't claim to be the originator.

I thought about going on a Round the World Cruise. But I think that ship has sailed.

I told my wife she'd painted her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

I can see myself working in a mirror factory. But on reflection...

I got offered a job as a mattress tester. I told them I'd have to sleep on it.

I thought about becoming a motivational speaker, but I couldn't be bothered.

I could always go back to work at the helium factory, they still speak very highly of me.

I did a once in a lifetime trip last year. Never again.

Thought of another one - I went into an Army Surplus Store and asked if they had any camouflage jackets. They said yes, but they couldn't find them.

I broke up with my girlfriend because I found out she was a communist.
I should have known. There were red flags everywhere.

How did Mongolia choose its leader in the 1200s?
By weighing the Genghis Pros and Genghis Khans!

My friend has been engaged 5 times, but never married.
That's a lot of near misses.

Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.

Why do pandas loaf around in the zoo?
They're bread in captivity.

A butcher accidentally backed into his meat grinder.
He got a little behind in his work.

What's the difference between a dad joke and an athletic rabbit?
One's a bit funny and the other is a fit bunny.

When I play with my dog, he's always conflicted about wanting the ball to be thrown but also not giving up the ball...
It's a real Fetch 22.

What group do pan-sexual people belong in?
The LGBBQ community.

I'm a big fan of getting accidentally locked into my shoes
Knot.

What do you call a Viking prostitute?
A Leif blower

The world's largest hand measures in at 11.75 inches
Any thing longer and it becomes a foot.

Really happened (I-5 in CA) - I saw a sign on the freeway that said corn maze ahead, so of course I told my girlfriend "I bet its amazing."
Without missing a beat she replied "your so corny."