Promised my wife I'd fix the leaky tap three years ago.
It's a running joke now.

I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.

Did you know Dracula's girlfriend has an onlyFangs?
Heard she was a battie

My girlfriend told me there was a skinny pervert at the Halloween party last night dressed as a pickle-flavored pancake, making inappropriate comments to all the women.
I said, Sounds like a disgusting crpe.

Auto-targeting the enemy is not a new technology.
It was made a sentry ago

What's the smallest knife in the kitchen?
An 8 inch chef's knife.

Seriously -- can you image just how small the knives would have to be for an 8 inch chef to hold them?

what's the difference between a Vietnamese restaurant and an Indian restaurant?
One is pho profit, the other is naan profit.

Did you know that Spider-Man has a Winter jacket made out of flatbread?
It's a Pita Parka

What's another name for an Asian assassin?
Chinese take-out

Whats a ghosts favorite car?
A Boo-gatti

(First day as a vet)
Me: What seems to be the problem

Cat: Meow

Me: Yes, but where?

It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But harder to deter gents.

Where's the best place in the UK to neatly store away your cats?
Felixstowe

where do you find Bigfoot in the library?
in the large print section

Running.
Got up this morning and ran around the block 5 times.

Then I got tired, so I picked up the block and put it back in the toy box.

I tried snorting coke once
But I had a bad experience with the bubbles getting into my nose, so I switched to Pepsi

My coworker that I've worked with for 14 years is retiring and I need a good on-theme dad joke to put in his card.
Thanks in advance!

A box of chocolates has about 5,400 calories.
Dont eat the box and youll be fine.

My father always told me the best way to build a career is to dress for the job you want, not the one you have.
It didn't go very well when I turned up to the office in a Space suit.

My wife looked out the window and asked, How did you finally get our lawn to grow like that? I said, Every morning this week, I sprinkled my protein powder on the wet grass.
She nodded. Ah well that was whey over dew.

If a person is born in a car and dies outside....
Can we call that person CARBORN-DIEOUTSIDE?

What do you call someone who teaches dogs to dance?
A corgi-ographer

Dyson engineers recently unveiled their latest invention: a revolutionary toothbrush that uses patented technology to detect and clean between your teeth.
After years of innovation, theyve finally made a product that doesnt suck!

I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick instead of her lipstick the other day.
She's still not talking to me.