A guy walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.The bartender says, Interesting pet, whats his name.
Tiny, the guy says.
Why Tiny, the bartender asks.
Because hes my newt.
My wife says Im getting fat, but in my defense..
Ive had a lot on my plate lately.
My wife said I could be an idiot sometimes.
I think it is pretty cool of her to give me permission.
Caveman discovers weed.... Caveman discovers fire....
Stoned Age begins....
Does anyone know if Hawaii allows for very loud laughing...
...or is it just a low ha?
An old lady goes to the doctor and says doc, I cant stop farting. Theyre silent with no smell, but Ive let out 20 in the past 5 minutes sitting hereThe doc gives her some pills and tells her to come back next week.
The next week the old lady comes back and says doc, I took the pills, the farts are still silent but now they stink!
The doc says great! Weve cleared your sinuses, now lets work on your hearing!
how are slutty cows shipped into the US?
through the Strait of Whore Moos
Who is in charge of vending and cafeterias for the Rebel Alliance?
Admiral Snackbar
What kind of whisky does a bunny drink?
Hop Scotch
What do you call a blind cheetah?
A heetah because, he can't C
What do you get when you mix a broccoli and a melon
The saddest vegetable known to man: a melonccoli.
A woman visits her husband in prison. Before leaving, she says to a correction officer:"You shouldn't make my husband work so hard he's exhausted!"
The officer laughs: "Work? Ma'am, he only eats, sleeps, and stays in his cell"
The wife replies: "That's strange.. he told me he's been digging a tunnel for months!"
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot
What happens if you forget to pay your exorcist?
You get repossessed
They said I was crazy to go swimming in the river while in Paris.
But actually I was in Seine.
My wife asked if my kid and I were having fun playing battleship
Kid: Eh, hit or miss
So I guess Tiger Woods is going to have to rely on his short game a lot more now...
Since he obviously can't drive any more.
I visited a restaurant in Germany and ordered dry chicken
the waiter brought me three
What do you call a Chinese man with an amputated leg?
Tai Wan Shu
Confucius says
Man who walks sideways through a turnstile in Thailand going to Bangkok.
I saw a sign up in my local clairvoyant
It said closed due to unforeseen circumstances
What did the banana do when the monkey chased it?
The banana split!
I don't like people who take drugs...
For example, airport security.
What is a gastroenterologists favourite movie?
I know what you had for dinner last night
I'm not very strong on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday or Friday.
Those are my weak days.