Did you know when you are clinically dead you continue to be able to see for about two minutes?
Because your pupils dilate.

Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book
Not only was it embarrassing but it cost a fortune in stamps.

I struggle with Roman Numerals until I get to 159.
Then it just CLIX.

A notorious arsonist died recently.
His mum paid tribute by saying, Wherever he went, he lit up a room.

Did you know that the expression not a palindrome
Is not a palindrome?

How does a bald man run his fingers through his hair?
He cuts holes in his pockets

Just found out that the great Steffi Graf has a sister...
Her name is Polly. I'm not lying.

Did you hear about the Mexican railway engineers crazy reasons for committing crimes?
Everyones saying he had loco motives.

What happens when you cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy?
You have a rash of good luck (I was just itching to tell someone.)

I keep getting phone calls from the Military all the time.
Does anyone know who this Private Number is?

I told my therapist that I'm afraid of letters...
She said, you are? And then I started screaming! She then said, oh I see and that's when I started screaming louder!

A pet food company is hiring an artist to draw a sketch of a dog for an ad
They bring in all sorts of candidates, but all of them have something wrong with them. One candidate is clearly using AI, another artist draws dogs with cat ears, another guy only does quick sketches of Labradoodles on napkins, a fourth person can't draw at all, etc.

Eventually, the hiring committee is tired of interviewing and they ask their boss, "are any of these good enough?"

The boss reviews all the materials and shrugs, "I guess the Labradoodle doodle dude'll do"

After family beach vacation, I'm in the dog house.
Never volunteer that you think your wife's younger sister has an ice chest.

What's the opposite of an onion?
An offion.

I got a tattoo of a thermos on my arm.
Now I can tell my son, Dont touch the thermos tat!

What do you call a male hooker?
A Prostidude

Did you hear about the scientist who accidentally froze himself to -273.15C?
In the end, he was 0k

What do you call an alligator in a vest?
AN INVESTIGATOR *** ***

I live in New Jersey and I ride-share with two other people to our jobs in Manhattan. However, around half-way there, I get severe pain in my hands, so I went to see a doctor.
Apparently, I have carpool tunnel syndrome.

I had a teacher in 4th Grade name Mrs. Hardwerk, and anytime she was absent we were left unsupervised....
Because there is no substitute for Hardwerk.

I can't stand those shirts with the little alligator on them.
I'm Lacoste-Intolerant

My wife and I had to sell everything from our jazz band.
Now Im stuck in a saxless marriage.

What do you call Batman that skips church?
Christian Bale

Why did the lettuce file a restraining order against the celery?
It felt the celery was stalking it