An American, a Mexican, and an Australian walk into a pub.
The Mexican says, I'll have a Corona. The finest beer of Mexico.

The American says, Ill have a Budweiser. The king of beers.

The Australian says, I'll have a Ginger Ale.

A Ginger Ale? the American asks quizically.

The Australian replies, Well, if you two arent going to have a proper beer. Why should I?

If you drive a Subaru in reverse, what are you?
U r a Bus.

What do you call a spider with ten eyes?
A spiiiiiiiiiider

My 10 yo daughter just dropped this one on me
She spilled a glass of water on her bed this evening and decided to sleep on the couch in the living room tonight. I told her goodnight and asked How do you want the lights?

She replied: Medium-well.

I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.

What is a soldiers favorite month?
March

Why did the cannibal get kicked out of school?
He was caught buttering up his teacher.

I asked the Librarian if there were any books on the Titanic?
She said probably, but they would be soaking wet by now.

I have something in my car that alerts me the moment I hit 66 in a 65mph zone...
We've been married for 35 years.

I asked my son to hand me a newspaper the other day.
He laughed, called me old, and handed me his iPad instead.
That fly never stood a chance.

My wife said a lot of gossip is going around about the new tenants next door.
I said, Theyre probably just roomers.

The waitress asked me the dumbest question at dinner tonight
I ordered the broccoli cheddar soup, and she asked, Did you want that in a cup or a bowl?

Yes please, otherwise itll get everywhere.

Two-Foot Louie was a mobster.
He was what one might call, "vertically challenged."

As such, he couldn't reach the pedals on his 1926 Chrysler Imperial, so naturally he had to hire a driver. The trouble was Louie was a tough character to work for because despite his size, he was incredibly intimidating. It became well known that Two-Foot Louie spent all that money on a nice car and yet had nothing to chauffeur it.

My 10yo still loves this one I came up with years ago when doing laundry
I had a pile of single socks and told him to pair them up. But if he found any that matched not to play with them. He asked why.

"Never play with matches. So you don't burn the house down."

It's like two lessons in one.

1) everything dad says is a joke

2) fire safety is important

Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds
John Lennon really was useless at Cluedo, wasn't he?

Which type of loan does an introvert prefer?
A leave me alone

I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store
I told him, I dont think they have what youre looking for, sir.

What do you call a cat that cant use a litter box?
Illitterate

Why didn't Shakespeare read the newspapers?
Too many bard reviews

I wanted to make a fungi joke
But that's so saturated theres just not mushroom for original humor there anymore

My friend was telling me he used to be a plumber in Minnesota and got called for a job at Princes house
I asked what was that like? My friend said he had a

Purple drain, purple drain.

Which is the world's fastest dinosaur?
The Prontosaurus.

What does a kamikaze pilot shout when crashing into a little forest?
Bonsai!!!

Why are there no jokes about roofs or beds?
All the roof jokes are over your head and there are no jokes about beds because they havent been made up yet

What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a hooker with diarrhea?
The epileptic shucks between fits.