The cop walks up and asks, Sir, are you aware of how fast you were going?
Yes, the man says. I was trying to escape a robbery I was involved in.
The cop raises an eyebrow. Were you the one being robbed?
Oh no, the man replies casually. I committed the robbery. I was escaping.
Now the cop is stunned. So youre telling me you were speeding and you committed a robbery?
Yes, the man says calmly. All the loot is in the trunk.
The cop reaches for the keys. Sir, youre coming with me.
Dont do that! the man shouts. Im afraid that youll find the loaded gun in my glove compartment!
The cop jerks his hand back, retreats to his cruiser, and calls for backup.
Within minutes, police cars surround the area, helicopters hover overhead. The man is dragged out, handcuffed, and marched toward a squad car.
Just before they put him in, another officer says, pointing to the original cop, Sir, this officer says you committed a robbery, had stolen loot in your trunk, and a loaded gun in your glove compartment. But we didnt find any of that.
The man sighs and says, Yeah, and I bet that liar told you I was speeding too!
"Hey what can I get you?" asked Dick.
"How about a daiquiri?"
The bartender makes a drink and slides it down the bar.
He takes a sip and loves it. "Whoa that's great. What's your secret?"
"A little bit of almond extract. Gives it a little something extra." The two hit it off and a lifelong friendship develops.
One night the doctor enters and like clockwork the bartender goes to make his favorite drink only to realize that all the almond extract is gone. Thinking on his feet he substitutes it with a little hickory on hand.
The doctor takes a sip. A little confused, he takes another...
"Is this an almond daiquiri, Dick?"
"No, it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."
Man: But I keep losing my Focus.
The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing.
Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.
The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"
The boy answered yes.
Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."
I said "Great. Clean my house."