My wife asked me to name all my sexual partners in order.
I probably should have stopped when I got to her name.
I recently took a pole and found out 100% of the occupants were angry with me...
when their tent collapsed.
A lady was looking for a turkey but couldn't find one big enough. She asked the stock boy "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied "No they're dead."
My son asked why I set the microwave timer to six minutes instead of a minute & a half for my burrito.
I told him, "so that it cooks in a quarter of the time." He is still baffled.
Accidentally drank an invisibility potion
At the ER now, waiting to be seen.
Why should you never iron your four leaf clover?
Because you shouldn't press your luck!
My dog ate my pronouns.
He-She-It everywhere!
In Britain we call it a lift but Americans call it an elevator
I guess we are just raised differently.
What do you call a beagle with average grades?
A seagull.
I just made up this joke, I hope its original!Q: A pirate captain, his first mate, and their crew of seven scallywags had sailed the seven seas for years. They suffered from scurvy, gnarly skin conditions, and dehydration, but tests showed they never developed any malignant tumors. Why were they always cancer-free?
A: Because there be nine!
Did you know that you can now buy tuna in pouches?
Thats uncanny!
Whats red white and blue?(Christmas joke told to me by my son. )
A sad candy cane.
People can be so mean these days.
That's standard though. Pretty average if you will.
Even though I'm bald I still have a comb
I just can't part with it
My wife asked me for a divorce today for being too un-American.
I saw it coming from a kilometre away.
Teacher: Make a sentence that starts withe "I"Student: I is...
Teacher: No you should say "I am" not "I is"
Student: I am the 9th letter of the alphabet
A limbo champion walks in to a bar
He's disqualified
My lesbian friend was telling me about how expensive it was for her and her wife to have a baby. Even the sperm banks was charging outrageous prices.
I told her , "yeah anything hand made is going to cost a lot."
Came up with this absolute groaner just to annoy my son tonight.(It goes like this): So theres these new windmills that have been created, right? Theyre fully automated and have even been designed to speak. Weird thing is, they only speak in baby talk.
And, well, the funds to develop them didnt exactly come from reputable places. As a result, security is tight, and only a handful of mafia dons have the keys to get into these windmills.
And its all bound to fail. You know why?
Because nobodys seeing the irony in a bunch of windmills saying Don key? Otay!
My wife said I should get a job as a monorail pilot
because I have a one-track mind.
I went to my doctors and noticed that they had my blood type recorded as B+. I said, thats not right...
that's gotta be a type O
I saw an advert for a double entendre contest
So I entered my friend
what do French people call a really bad Thursday?
A trajeudi
I was worried that choosing Christianity for my research project would be too complex.
But it was mostly cross-referencing.