Don't order hay for your horse off Amazon
After a couple of days they'll ask for your feed back.

I had a girlfriend in college who demanded to know how pretty she was on a scale from 1 to 10.
I said yur an eight. So she did.

I had a date last night. It was perfect.
Tomorrow, Ill have a banana.

Our local flasher Pervy Pete was considering retiring after 40 years
but has decided to stick it out for another year

What does a hot dog use for protection?
Condoments.

I can always tell if someone is lying just by looking at them
Not only that but I can also tell if they're standing.

Satan and Jesus in a cemetery.
On the outskirts of town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucket of nuts and sat down behind the tree, out of sight, and began dividing up the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. A couple of the pecans fell and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...."

He jumped back on his bike and sped off. Just around the bend, he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and Jesus are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!" The boy kept insisting so the old man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you were tellin' the truth." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anybody. At last, they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all of them. Let's go get those two by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man, using a cane, had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

What do you call a gaming console that was accidentally made?
Unintendo

A man walks into a bar holding a tiny piano with a tiny man playing it
The bartender says, Where did you find that?

Theres a magic lamp just outside with a genie that grants wishes, the man replies.

The bartender runs outside, grabs the lamp, rubs it, and says, I wish for a million bucks!

All of a sudden, ducks begin falling from the sky.

Confused, the bartender shouts, I said bucks, not ducks!

The man shrugs. Did you think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?

Before I met your mother, I dated a German sausage maker
the relationship didn't last long though, she just brought out the wurst in me.

I feel sorry for Tiger Woods. He won 15 Majors;
now he can't even drive.

I buy all my guns from a guy called T-Rex
He's a small arms dealer.

What's the difference between Iron Man and Aluminum Man?
Iron Man stops the bad guys.

Aluminum Man just foils their plans.

I wanted to write an encouraging message on a Special Olympics promo video.
But comments were disabled.

Im a little embarrassed how long it took me get this one today (from the dad joke calendar)
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.

My dad was born with a conjoined twin, but separated at birth
I have an uncle, once removed.

I saw a woman faint onto the baggage carousel at the airport this morning.
Thankfully, she came around.

Yo mama is so fat, when she went to the optometrist, she was diagnosed with:
Assbigmatism

I grew up rich
As an adult I go by Richard

I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants
It was in the non-friction section.

What do you call an aggressive shrub?
An ambush.

Her husband the handyman
As related to me by my neighbor, Judy. Ive excised all the profanity.

Judy asked her husband Bill to tidy up the bathroom before she headed out for her Saturday afternoon shopping trip.

One of his tasks was to lacquer the toilet seat.
He finished this and the other work and went out to watch football at a sports bar

When he came back home he found Judy, furious, stuck to the toilet seat.

His only option was to remove the toilet seat from the toilet, still stuck Judys behind, cover her with a dressing gown and bring her to the emergency room.

The doctor came in to the cubicle where he was with Judy.

"Hey doctor, what do you think of this?" Bill said, removing the dressing gown.

"That's very nice," said the doctor "But did you have to frame it?"

An ion walks into a bar
looking very glum.

Whats up? asks the barkeep.
I think I lost an electron, replies the ion, gloomily.
Are you sure?
Yes, the ion says, Im positive.

This is my cake day joke. Please clap!

Yo mama so fat
She has a light bar over her cereal bowl.

All people named Improvement can stay wherever they want in any hotel
There's always room for Improvement.