Today my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach.
"That's not gonna work" she said. "It sure does" I said, " It's the only way I can see the numbers"
My car has a huge screen that displays the weather...
Its called, the windshield.
[NSFW] What did the leper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip.
The sales guy kept pushing, though Id already said No, many times. So I shouted, Non! Nyet! Nein!
But he wouldnt take No foreign answer.
A panda walks into a barA panda walks into a bar...
The bartender asks, "Would you like anything to drink?"
The panda replies, "No thanks, I'm only here to eat."
"So what would you like to eat?"
"I'll just take the fries."
The bartender serves the panda, who enjoys the meal. He asks, "Now, will your payment be cash or card?"
The panda calmly replies, "Oh, just a card."
After paying, the panda gets up and takes out a pistol. He fires a few shots in the direction of a few men, killing some in the process.
The bartender, horrified, shouts, "What the hell was that for? You just killed 4 men!"
The panda says, "I'm a panda, man. Look it up."
The panda then abruptly exits the bar.
The bartender, confused, looks up "Panda" on Google.
The description said:
The giant panda is a bear species endemic to China. It is characterised by its bold black-and-white coat and rotund body. Eats shoots and leaves.
A tiger went to a doctor for back pain.The doctor touched the tiger's back and asked "Is this the spot?"
The tiger said "No, that's a stripe."
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.Doctor: Okay, Mrs. O'Hara, whats the problem?
Mom: Its my daughter, Bernadette. She keeps getting these crazy food cravings, shes putting on weight, and most mornings shes sick.
The doctor gives Bernadette a thorough exam, then turns to the mother and says,
Well, I dont know how to tell you this, but your Bernadette is pregnant. About four months would be my estimate.
Mom: Pregnant?! She cant be! Shes never even been left alone with a man! Have you, Bernadette?
Bernadette: No, Mother! Ive never even kissed a man!
The doctor walks over to the window and stares out. About five minutes pass.
Mom: Is something wrong out there, doctor?
Doctor: No, not at all its just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East, and some wise men came over the hill. Ill be damned if Im going to miss it this time!
My friend told me the clothes Im wearing look gay
I said yeah, they just came out of the closet this morning
While cooking, my wife cut her hand pretty badly. I said, We should go to urgent care to get it sewn up. She refused and said she could do that herself.
I said, Fine suture self.
Local brothel was closed for the holiday today.
Sign out front said Beat it, were closed
I went to the shop to buy camouflage trousers
but I couldn't find any
Learning to ski in your 30s is a great way to meet people
Today I met two paramedics and 3 nurses and I almost met Jesus
When the titanic was sinking do you think there was a dad onboard to say
Well, were all in the same boat
They are hard to follow
Whats the worst thing about time travel jokes?
Why can only one toad sit on a toadstool?
Because theres not mushroom on there!
I'm against cow tipping.
I believe they should make a living wage instead.
An Ocean Liner capsized in the Pacific, with only one South Korean rescued
Authorities believe him to be the Seoul survivor
I entered a fancy dress competition wearing a giraffe costume.I lost.
But I walked away with my head held high.
I hosted a couples only eventNot a single person showed up!
(Sorry if this joke has already been done or if I worded it kinda weird. I wouldnt be surprised if either was the case, but I just thought of this joke and thought it might be funny. Im starting to second guess myself, but Im still posting it in hopes that I get at least one laugh. I wasnt really sure if I should say not a single person or no single person tbh. Honestly the more I think about it the more I realize this joke probably doesnt even work but idk)
I'm not a fan of toilet humour...
Butt.
Catastrophic event at the circus today. A tiger got loose and killed several clowns.
Witnesses say he went straight for the jugglers.
What do you get from a pampered cow
spoiled milk
"I only know 25 letters of the alphabet...""I don't know Y."
My 11-year-old sprung that on me tonight. I have no idea where he got it from.
If someone is born inside of a car and they die outside the car...
are we allowed to say car born die outside ?
How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?
One, or two?