A man read 12.5% of the Bible.
He's an eightheist.

Actually, it's pronounced "jaslight".
You've been saying it wrong the whole time.

My wife lost her dictionary.
I tried comforting her, but my words seem to have no meaning to her now.

Four math professors walk into a bar
the barman asks: "do you all want a beer?"

First one says: "I don't know"

Second one says: "I don't know"

Third one says: i dont know

Fourth one says: yes please

What do you call a short-sighted dinosaur?
A doyouthinkhesaurus."

Army.
What do you call an army of babies ?
Infantry.

Ive been hosting a poker game with oversized playing cards.
Its kind of a big deal.

A neighborhood pub planned a costume party & the bartender announced they must all come dressed up as their love life. On the night of the party the bartender spotted some old geezer dressed as Abraham Lincoln.
He walked over to him and said, Hey, you were supposed to come dressed up as your love life.

With a shrug and a sly grin the older man replied, Oh, I have. My four scores were seven years ago."

What did the bra say to the hat?
You go on ahead, and I will give these two a lift."

The other day, I grew patches of purple flowers with thorns around my garden as defense.
I thought to myself, "Thistle do."

I finally decided I prefer crows to ravens
It was a close caw.

What do you call a sheep wrapped in plastic?
Lambinated

My friends found a large plastic water bottle on their farm. Inside was packed several pieces of paper.
The papers were filled with wild claims that my friends stated were dubious at best but I think they should trust the information.

After all, it came from a litre in their field.

Did you hear about the scientists that made the worlds largest suction cup
I dont know how they manage to pull it off

My wife caught me fooling around with her cosmetics.
It was makeup sex.

Seen a guy standing on one leg at the ATM
​

I asked him..."What are you doing?"

He replies....."Just checking my balance".

The inventor of vacuum packing has died.
His wife says he leaves a huge void.

What pasta locks you out of your house?
Gnocchi.

Books Id like to read
Skydiving by Hope Shue-Topins

Rottweiler! By B Wearuv DAug

I bought a dog from a blacksmith yesterday
As soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.

An armed man robs a bank with 2 CDs glued to his glasses. The cashier hands the man all the money and then says Got to ask, whats with the CDs?
He replies Its my disk-eyes

What's it called when you take a poop in the dark?
A spookie dookie

How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
You will see one later and one in a while.

If a bee is bothering you, dont swat it and dont run away. Just look at it.
Because seeing is bee leaving.

I was talking to someone about countries having low birthrates and snuck this in.
Me: South Korea had the lowest birth rate but recently got theirs up a bit.

Her: I wonder which one has the lowest now.

Me: I'd have to look it up. I'll do it later.

Her: Do you know which nation has the highest?

Me experiencing sudden inspiration: I think it's the nation of Impreg.

Her not connecting the dots immediately: I haven't heard of it. Do they have a lot of people?

Me: Oh I hear they get a lot of visitors who stay less than a year but few permanent residents. I've been there. It's kinda nice. But some women hate it there.

She asked a few questions with my responses getting more ludicrous until:

Her: Ok, I have to look this place up.

Her looking at her phone: GOD DAMNIT!

Glorious.