What is the difference between a Vietnamese restaurant and an Indian restaurant ?
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What did the sushi say to the Bee?
Wasbi!

How much does a pirate pay for 100 ears of corn?
$103.14. A buck an ear, plus the pi-rate tax!

The country with the largest number of parks in the world is Korea.
As a matter of fact, I'm good friends with five of them.

Before the town's locksmith died, he made me promise to take care of his dog.
I only had the dog in my home for half an hour when he made a bolt for the door.

Im reading a horror book in braille
Something bad is gonna happen, I can feel it

It's probably just as well McDonald's never put a sirloin sandwich on the menu.
It would have been a McSteak.

My dad got me into marionette school.
He had to pull a few strings.

What do you call a spy whos into BDSM?
James Bondage.

Why did someone name their dogs Timex and Rolex?
Because they were watchdogs.

I have a fear of driving under bridges with passengers in my car.
I have carpool tunnel syndrome.

The clocks go back?
Yesterday the wife said "Don't forget the clocks need to go back tonight." Talk about no warning, I don't even know where the receipts are!

I stormed out of the diner when they said they were out of bread.
I am lack toast intolerant.

Where in a hospital would u find decaffeinated coffee?
In decaffeteria.

There have been so many reports of screen problems that Apple is going back to the drawing board and redesigning the hinge. The newer version of this will be called...
the iPhone Duo-ver.

Had a neck brace fitted years ago
Havent looked back since

How much smaller is the EU after Brexit?
1 GB.

What type of pasta are you not allowed to put on the table?
Elbows.

I saw an army of babies marching down the street.
It had to be the infantry.

I used to have an uncontrollable obsession with buying large boats.
Thankfully, the antibuyyachtics worked.

My cat ate all the food in our house!
It looked like a real meowthful

What country do the best goalies come from?
Mongolia!

If prisoners could take their own mug shots
Would they be called cellfies?

A sheik is trying to buy up every fish and chip shop in the UK
He's called Sultan Vinegar.

What's the best mountain to go take a nap on?
Mount Ever-rest