Promised my wife I'd fix the leaky tap three years ago.
It's a running joke now.

I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.

what's the difference between a Vietnamese restaurant and an Indian restaurant?
One is pho profit, the other is naan profit.

Did you know Dracula's girlfriend has an onlyFangs?
Heard she was a battie

What's the smallest knife in the kitchen?
An 8 inch chef's knife.

Seriously -- can you image just how small the knives would have to be for an 8 inch chef to hold them?

I just heard some very concerning news. The singer, Sting, has gone missing
The Police have no lead.

Auto-targeting the enemy is not a new technology.
It was made a sentry ago

My girlfriend told me there was a skinny pervert at the Halloween party last night dressed as a pickle-flavored pancake, making inappropriate comments to all the women.
I said, Sounds like a disgusting crpe.

My coworker that I've worked with for 14 years is retiring and I need a good on-theme dad joke to put in his card.
Edit: I used 2 of the jokes (the lightbulb one and the "who likes Mondays" one) and they went over great!

Thanks all!

I went to the doctor because I kept thinking I was a pair of curtains
He told me to pull myself together

Whats a ghosts favorite car?
A Boo-gatti

Did you know that Spider-Man has a Winter jacket made out of flatbread?
It's a Pita Parka

A box of chocolates has about 5,400 calories.
Dont eat the box and youll be fine.

Where do sick kangaroos go?
hopital

What's another name for an Asian assassin?
Chinese take-out

Where's the best place in the UK to neatly store away your cats?
Felixstowe

What does a bird of prey do when it accidentally swallows some feathers
Hawk tuuuaaaaahhh

How did Kermit get a girlfriend?
He pulled pork.

(First day as a vet)
Me: What seems to be the problem

Cat: Meow

Me: Yes, but where?

It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But harder to deter gents.

What do you call someone who teaches dogs to dance?
A corgi-ographer

where do you find Bigfoot in the library?
in the large print section

Running.
Got up this morning and ran around the block 5 times.

Then I got tired, so I picked up the block and put it back in the toy box.

I tried snorting coke once
But I had a bad experience with the bubbles getting into my nose, so I switched to Pepsi