I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend.
She was obsessed with an X.

After dinner, I asked my wife, "if chatting alot means you're chatty...
After dinner, I asked my wife,

"if chatting alot means you're chatty, and giggling alot means you're giggly, then what's the word for someone who is cooking alot?"

Wife: "cookie?"

Me: Yes please with milk

An Engineer was unemployed for a long time.
He could not find a job so he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: Get your treatment for $500, if not treated get $1,000.

One Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: I have lost taste in my mouth.

Engineer: Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patients mouth.

Doctor: This is Gasoline! Engineer: Congratulations! Youve got your taste back. That will be $500.

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money. Doctor: I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.

Engineer: Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patients mouth.

Doctor: But that is Gasoline! Engineer: Congratulations! Youve got your memory back. That will be $500.

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Doctor: My eyesight has become weak.

Engineer: Well, I dont have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000.

Doctor: But this is $500

Engineer: Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.

A genie gave me 1 wish, and I said I just want to be happy,
now I am living in a cottage with 6 other dwarves and working in a mine......

Went shopping today, and couldn't remember whether I needed beer and eggs. So to be safe I bought both.
Six of one and half a dozen of the other.

A man walks into a shop and asks the shopkeeper: Do you have any of those round batteries?
The shopkeeper responds: Is it for a clock?

I dont know, says the man, thats why I need the batteries!

I quit smoking cold turkey
Now Im on to brisket and ribs

A lady and gentleman are meeting for the first time
A lady and a gentlemen are meeting for the first time

Her: Tell me about your parents.
Him: I never knew my father as a child.
Her: How come?
Him: Hed grown up by the time I was born.

If Wilson lent Tom Hanks $20...
Tom Hanks would be Owen Wilson.

What do you call 2 witches leasing an apartment together?
Broomates!

Are French Army jokes allowed on X (formerly known as twitter)?
If so, Ill retweet.

Two math functions are buying a house together. The real estate agen says they need to come in for final paperwork.
They need to Sine and Cosine.

What about the witch that had triplets
She didn't know which witch was which.

Got fired from my job at the bank today
A lady asked me to check her balance so I pushed her

I was going to buy a Nirvana album, but the store was out of In Utero...
So, Nevermind.

My son is looking for a job so I told him to apply at Subway
I heard they have a lot of open rolls they need to fill

Let's have a big shout-out for our indefatigable resident bot-spotter...
Thank you, u/Illustrious_Ad4691. Your work is much appreciated!

Someone told me that black guys like listening to ghetto blasters.
I think thats a stereo type

Why dont skeletons fight each other?
Because they dont have the guts.

Someone told me their pet peeve was when people mispronounce might as well
I replied, mine as well

My wife saw me weighing myself and said, "No matter how much you suck in your gut, you're still going to weigh the same." ....
I told her, "... I'm just trying to see the numbers..."

My wife and I were touring a daycare when she asked the director, Does your facility provide baby bouncers?
I interrupted, Babe, thats not necessary. This is one of the safer neighborhoods.

Why do reporters love Kellogs Raisin Bran?
Two scoops in every box

A blind person
A blind person walks into a shop and starts swinging their guide dog around their head.

The shop keeper ask 'excuse me, can I help'

'No thanks, I'm just looking around '