The internet connection at the farm is really sketchy, so the farmer moved the modem to the barn.
Now they have stable wifi.
Why vampires don't cause unwanted pregnancies?
Because they can't come inside uninvited!
My son hit me with a Dad Joke so strong I had to sit down.So Im making breakfast this morning and I ask my son,
Want scrambled or fried?
He looks me dead in the eye and says:
Whichever one is eggcellent, father.
I was about to ask two leopards to switch seats with me and my wife
My wife said dont bother, they never change their spots.
My uncle has a stutter and went to prison
Im afraid hell never finish his sentence
An accident at the Kodak factory has exposed millions of dollars worth of film to light rendering it worthless.
More details as they develop.
What happens if you slide down a grassy hill in Spain?
You get a gracias.
Our town legalized pot but banned alcohol.Our town legalized pot but banned alcohol.
Residents are left high and dry.
Adam and Eve
were the first humans to ignore Apples terms and conditions.
My wife and I were arguing over the term for a medieval soldier.
It was getting late though so we called it a knight.
If Wonder Woman married Howard Hughes, divorced him and then married Henry Kissinger,
If Wonder Woman married Howard Hughes, divorced him and then married Henry Kissinger, she would be Wonder Hughes Kissinger now.
A friend of mine told me that he can throw a frisbee 100 yards and his dog can go get it and bring it back.
I told him that's pretty far fetched but ok....
Why did the clarinet player keep his Chinese wrinkle puppy on a short leash near traffic?
So his sharpei wouldnt Bb
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Doesnt matter. She aint gonna come anyway.
Knock knock.
I want to hear your best answers!
I have a knack for admitting my own weaknesses.
It's a strength of mine.
An Apple, an Orange, and a Strawberry were best friends and after being in the orchard all day they were in the habit of going to a nearby bar for a few drinks. This caused marital discord with the Strawberry and his wife left him.For several months following, whenever they went to the bar, the Strawberry would weep uncontrollably. The bartender (a Banana) would serve them until they were done and then theyd leave.
Finally, one day the Orange asked the Banana, What is it with the Strawberry? I get it that hes sad, but its been months now - get over it!
The bartender leaned in and whispered, Don't you know?Strawberry feels forever
A heavy equipment manufacturer decides to no longer use Anthropic as an AI provider
Is that the same as getting the CAT de-Claude?
In conversation with a guy I met, he was kind of secretive about his work, saying only that it was strictly underground
Turns out hes in culvert operations.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
Doctor says I'm okay, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
Listen up: I want to become the Invisible Man, but I will NOT use my powers to spy on people
I just want to make myself perfectly clear.
Ive finally reached the stage of fatherhood where my kids sigh before I even speak.I opened my mouth today and my son just said,
Dont. Whatever it is dont.
I hadnt even thought of a joke yet.
So now I need new material strong enough to break their spirits again.
Who tells God if you break one of the Ten Commandments?
The Narc of the Covenant
A man is stranded in the middle of a scorching desert, crawling through the sand, nearly dead from thirst.Suddenly, he sees a figure in the distance and crawls toward it. As he gets closer, he realizes it's a man standing behind a small table covered in beautiful, colorful neckties.
"Water... please... I need water," the dying man rasps.
"Im sorry," the salesman replies calmly. "I dont have any water. But I would be delighted to sell you a necktie! Theyre only four dollars apiece."
"I don't need a tie! I need water!" the man screams.
"Okay, okay," the salesman says, "I'll give you a deal: two for seven dollars."
He crawls away, eventually finding a restaurant. The waiter refuses him entry, saying, "I'm sorry, sir. Our dress code requires a tie".
Homework (longish)
A boy had a pet dog who he loved very much. The dog was named Pudding because he was a little on the pudgy side. One day in math class he was given the homework assignment to prove that the sum of two odd numbers is always an even number. The boy was able to do the assignment and proudly left it on the breakfast table, to show his parents and to make sure he would not forget it the next day.
In the morning, the paper was gone and the bits near the dogs bowl clearly showed the dog had legitimately ate his homework.
At school, when the teacher asked where his assignment was, the boy said The proof is in my Pudding