TIL alligators can live up to 100 years which is why there's an increased chance that...
...they will see you later!
A Canadian tourist in Australia gets hit by a car.He wakes up in the hospital with a doctor standing over him.
He asks the doctor Did I come here to die?
The doctor replies Nah mate, you came here yesterday.
Have you heard of Murphys law? Yeah. What is it? If something can go wrong, it will go wrong. Thats right. Have you heard of Coles law? No, what is it?
Thinly sliced cabbage and mayo
My infatuation of the Beatles got so bad that I felt compelled to buy every single record that they ever made.
My wife said that I needed Help........I said I've already got that one.
My wife commented that I'm definitely not French the way I wolf down my food. So I asked her then what am I?
Without skipping a beat she said you're clearly Russian
My mom got out of surgery. They were afraid she might have a tumor near her tracheas. Ended up being mucus
I texted her saying Im glad it was a nothing booger. Shes been out of surgery for about 30 minutes.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
They use honeycombs.
Did you hear about the cheese factory in France that exploded?
The only thing left was de brie...
TIL the V formation of birds flying in the sky is called a "skein", also there is a scientific reason of why one side of the V is longer than the other
There are more birds on that side.
The Pope is handing out miracles to kids in Liverpool.Billy walks on stage and asks him, "Can you help me with my hearing?
The Pope says, "Yes" and puts his hands on Billy's ears and prays, he removes his hands and says, "How is your hearing now?
Billy says, "I don't know, it's not until next Wednesday
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldnt change colour?
He had a reptile dysfunction
Why do cows have hooves, not feet?
Because they lactose.
I paid a clown to deliver flowers to my wife
I thought it would be a romantic jester
I sprayed some lemon scented Febreeze in the bathroom..
Now it smells like Shitrus.
Sleeping on your side is much better than sleeping on your back.
I rest my face.
My wife didn't like this one...(I'm the OC... My daughter called it genius, wife didn't enjoy it.)
My wife walks in, were all sitting there with tea and scones, pinkies out.
She goes, Did you get the kids vaccinated?
I said, Vaccinated? I thought you said Saxon-ated.
Why did everybody knew, that the funeral director was sick?
Because of the coffin.
Why does ironing clothes make them shrink?
Because it de-creases them.
The other day our entire city suffered a massive power cut
The citizens were delighted.
Two men were walking through the woods when they came across a huge, dark hole
Curious, one of them picked up a small rock and tossed it in.
They waited.
No sound.
That must be a really deep hole, one said. Lets try a bigger rock.
They found a much larger rock, carried it over, and dropped it in.
They listened.
Still nothing.
Now they were really puzzled.
Nearby, they spotted a heavy railroad tie lying in the brush.
Grunting and groaning, they dragged it to the hole and shoved it in.
Not a sound.
Suddenly
A goat came flying out of the woods at full speed, ran past them, and leapt straight into the hole!
The two men stood there, stunned.
A moment later, an old farmer wandered out of the woods.
Say, one man asked. Have you lost a goat? We just saw one come running out of the woods and jump right into that hole!
The farmer scratched his head and said, Nope that couldnt have been my goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie.
In history, the third letter of the alphabet did not exist..
Long time , No C
Why didnt number 4 go through the haunted house with its friends?
It was just 2.
What do you call a man faking it as a dad?
Impopster.
To save money on fuel I took the mirrors off of my car to reduce drag
I've not looked back since.
A man didn't report his stolen credit card for months.
When asked why, he said, "The thief is spending less than my wife!"