77% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 33% of intelligent people.

on his deathbed, a bald man made his kids promise to replant any trees cut down in the nearby forest...
My hair is gone for good," he whispered, "but we must protect the trees so the forest never ends up as bare as my head."

His children kept the promise, and for centuries, generations of his family replanted every tree that fell, keeping the forest lush and green.

All thanks to one man and his re-seeding heirline.

"Son, if you're thinking of getting married, consider this before you do. On one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring."
"On the other hand, you dont!"

Did you hear about the war between Old Navy and H&M?
It was horrible. There were so many casual tees.

When the nurse said shed be back with my flu vaccine, I asked if I could have it with the lights off. She said, Um Ill have to check if were allowed to do that.
I said, Thanks. I know its a shot in the dark.

Dad: When two people have sex, it's a twosome. When three people have sex, it's threesome
Son: Now I know why people call you handsome

A friend of mine attempted to mate a male deer with a female cheetah.
He was trying to make a quick buck.

I finally figured out how flamingos survive in the wild.
Its because they have a leg up on the competition.

Funny how posts are still tagged NSFW
As if any of us still got jobs.

How warm is a baby at birth?
I dont know

Womb temperature.

I had to break up with my girlfriend after she kept correcting my misuse of its to its.
She was just being way too possessive for me.

Why are there no pain-killers in the jungle?
Parrots eat 'em all.

What do you call the security guards who work for Samsung?
The Guardians of the Galaxy

You likely know what Murphys law is, but do you know Coles law?
Its cabbage, carrots, mayonnaise, and salt all mixed together.

A terrible Koala joke to cheer up your day
My little brother asked why a koala is a marsupial instead of a bear.

So I had to explain the strict koalafications required to become a marsupial.

I go through a bottle of honey mustard almost every week, because its a combination of my two favorite things
bottles and honey mustard

At one point, I was so desperate that I even dated a rock.
I determined it to be from the Paleozoic Era.

Son: "Dad, today I watched someone do 50 pushups, do you think could you do that?"
Dad: "of course son, don't want to brag but I could probably watch someone do 100 push-ups"

What's brown, and rhymes with snoop?
Dr dre

I'm investing in a beachfront casino.
It's a shore bet.

Older women tend to add on to their # of pets: a dog here, a couple of kittens there...
It's the early stages of many-paws

I have a mummy in my butt
Tootin comin

Ill leave

I have a bad habit of second guessing all the decisions I make.
[deleted]

A dad and son check into a hotel,
and, after settling into their bedroom, immediately go to the guest workout room. The son picks up a dumbbell and starts doing wrist curls. Dad, asks the son, do you want to workout forearms with me?

Dad replies, No thanks, two arms are enough for me.

What do ghosts drink?
Sprite