My wife looked out the window and asked, How did you finally get our lawn to grow like that? I said, Every morning this week, I sprinkled my protein powder on the wet grass.
She nodded. Ah well that was whey over dew.

It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But harder to deter gents.

Whats the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One weighs a ton, and the other is a little lighter

Iamonthemoonandthereisnowheretogetabeer
.

Thereisnospacebar.

I crossed cheetah and crab DNA.
It went sideways really fast.

What's the worst series to make a Lego version of?
One Piece

Who designs all the buildings in the oceans?
Sharkitects.

I started brewing my own beer, Lumberjack
It's a lager

Did you hear about the Transformer who's move is to just play dead until the trouble blows over?
Opossumus Prime.

Whats a good last name for a Bear
Withmeplease

Whats the difference between a foot and a yard
You cant shit on your neighbors foot in the middle of the night.

Whats a vampires favorite fruit?
A necktarine!

I just opened up a new archeological museum. What is it called?
Remains to be seen...

My neighbor had help from a demon to pickle some cucumbers.
She made a dill with the devil

I was arrested for playing loud music in my garden.

I was charged with disturbing the peas.

This weekend's forecast calls for rane, hale, gailz, drissle, thun-durr, litneen, hy-tydes, tawnaydoes, and frizzing colde...
Looks like a really bad Spell of weather.

Why did the zombie cross the road?
Because he was dying to eat you.

i asked my date to meet me at the gym but she ghosted me
i don't think we're gonna work out

A male e-reader and a female e-reader went to couples therapy.
In hopes to rekindle that relationship.

A guy hurt his back while at the computer.
He had a slipped disc.

A question about keyboards with the UK layout.
Do they have a spacepub?

How do you make a witch itch?
Take away the W

Why do they get excited when the phone rings in Hawaii?
Its always potential spam !

Report on the Recent Security Breach
Esteemed members of the board,

You have tasked me to discover how our main competitor beats us to the punch on every new product, sometimes copying our designs even before they go into manufacture.

My conclusion is they have infiltrated a spy into the very top echelons of our organization. After painstaking investigation I have reduced the possible suspects to four: Alistair, Nigel, Simon and Basil.

Ladies and gentlemen, one of these four men is a plant.