Watch out for the Asexuals
you wont see them coming.

A farmer asked his horse if it had stolen his thesaurus...
The horse said, "no."

I met my future wife in the glue factory where we both worked.
We bonded immediately.

Blond skipping home from school
Jenny, a blonde girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
Is it because I'm blonde?" Jenny asked.
"Yes, It's because you're blonde," said the mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good, Jenny," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, It's because you're blonde."
The next day Jenny came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"
And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 24.

Im looking forward to watching the World Origami Championship.
Its on paper view

The executioner explained my hanging to me in great detail.
I said, Thanks for keeping me in the loop.

I took the shell off my racing snail to make him go faster
Unfortunately it just made him more sluggish

I'm homeless and always traveling around trying to find a new place to settle, but it doesn't make me angry.
I'm a no-mad.

What has more lives than a cat?

A frog, they croak every day.

I think I'm addicted to seaweed, what should I do?
Sea kelp

Jokes about dwarves are really easy to remember.
Because they're short.

Abraham Lincoln once said...
"Don't believe everything you read on the internet."

A trip to a Chinese restaurant
An older couple went out for dinner at their favorite Chinese restaurant.

They decided to try something new on the menu called Chicken Surprise.

A few minutes later, the waiter brought their meal a covered cast iron pot.

Just as the wife was about to serve herself, the lid popped up a little and she saw two tiny eyes peeking out! Then the lid dropped back down.

Harold, did you see that?! she whispered.

Harold hadnt, so she told him to look. He lifted the lid and sure enough, two little eyes peered up at him before the lid slammed shut again.

Totally baffled, he called the waiter over. Excuse me, but somethings alive in here!

The waiter nodded politely and said,

Ah, so sorry, sir. You ordered Chicken Surprise?

Yes, Harold said nervously.

Ah, said the waiter, bowing slightly. My mistake. Thats our Peking Duck!

What do you call a British boy band that steals everything when they go on tour?
Take That.

Researchers found a reduced number of charged particles in our atmosphere.
While not a problem yet, its worth keeping an ion.

What do you call a spider with 10 eyes?
A spiiiiiiiiiider

My wife is completely fed up with my constant animal impressions...
Yesterday, she sat me down and said, "If you don't stop acting like a flamingo right this second, I am packing my bags and filing for a divorce!"It was a tough moment, and I knew our marriage was on the line. So, I had to put my foot down.

When my wife and I went on our first date, she offered to split the bill. I told her, Absolutely not.
Youre on your own if youre eating that part of the duck.

What sound does a French narcissist make when they blow you a kiss?
Moi~ ;)

A woman tells the dentist, "I need a tooth pulled, and I don't have time for the numbing shot. Just yank it."
Dentist: "What a brave woman! Which tooth is it?"

Woman: She turns to her husband. "Show him your tooth, dear."

What does Dracula do best?
Count.

I said to my wife Theres only one thing that scares me during Halloween.
She said: "Which is?"

I said: "Exactly"

I asked Paul mcCartney at his farm in Mull of Kintyre what he fed his horses with?
He said....Hay Dude!

A bit of life advice to Greek vegans
Never meat your gyros.

Einstein came up with a theory about space.
And it was about time, too.