Family checks into a hotel and father says I hope the porn is disabled here.
Naw, its just regular porn, you sick fuck. replies the front desk clerk.

A husband is out in the backyard with his wife, who is busy gardening.
He's feeling a bit mischievous and says, "You know, honey, your butt is getting so big, its starting to look like that BBQ grill over there."

The wife ignores him and keeps weeding. Later that night in bed, the husband starts making some romantic advances. His wife completely brushes him off and rolls over.

"What's wrong?" he asks, surprised.She replies, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

I was reaching for a book then it hit me
I only have my shelf to blame

Can someone please tell this old man what tysm means?
Thank you so much

Don't mean to brag or anything, but the cashiers at the grocery store are always checking me out.
Lol

If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN
they become VERY ANGRY.

I nearly dropped a carton of eggs while unpacking groceries with my wife but I caught them before they hit the ground
I told her that I should be leading the x-men.

She said "why"

I said "because I'm professor egg savior"

My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3 years, when we separated, she returned exactly a $100.
I lost interest in that relationship.

Guys, please don't make any archery jokes.
They make me quiver.

Why did the library only have 2 books?
It was a two story building.

I was changing a flat tire when it fell on my foot
Now I need a toe

Do you know how rare it is for a cow to get hit by lightning?
Medium rare.

I got booted from the coffee club
Because I wore a tea shirt

There's been a breakdown at the hyperbole factory
Authorities are saying "Meh. It'll be fine eventually."

A woman comes home from a doctor's appointment absolutely beaming.
Her husband looks up from the TV and asks, "Why are you so happy?"

"Well," the wife says, "the doctor told me that for a forty-five-year-old woman, I have the physical attributes and spirit of an eighteen-year-old!"

The husband snorts and says, "Oh yeah? And what did he have to say about your forty-five-year-old rear end?"

She smiles sweetly and says, "Actually, your name never came up in the conversation."

Two caterpillars are escaping a spider. They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped. "Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar and he quickly chews through the branch.
It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and uses them to steer the branch through the air with grace and finesse.

"That's amazing!!" says the second caterpillar. "How in the hell are you doing that?!"

The first caterpillar scoffs.

"Am I the only one in the whole damn forest who knows how to drive a stick!?"

A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"

What sound did the bird make when it landed on Dollar Tree?
cheap cheap, cheap cheap

I used to be a carpenter for a living...
But then I had to quit because I got completely board.

Ive got a fever, muscle aches and dizziness.
So I went to the doctor. He said something about Santa Virus. I laughed. I told him Ive never been to the North Pole, but I was on a cruise ship last week.

I just cant decide whether to spend money on this fancy new mattress.
Ill have to sleep on it.

I asked my dog what's two minus two.
He said nothing.

Two people partnered up and started a bank, whose surnames were perfect for the firm
The bank is called Hanover Yermani

Where do duck farts come from?
Duh, its butt quack.

Two wind turbines are standing in a field. One asked the other, "What's your favorite kind of music?"
The other replies, "I've always been a huge metal fan."