What do you call a person who tells dad jokes but is not a dad?
A Faux Pa!!!
What are the odds of Eminem getting a sex change and joining a convent?
Slim to nun.
This morning I coughed up a pawn, a bishop and a rookI must have a chess infection.
I'm expecting a rough knight.
Many people have heard of Post Malone the rapper, but have you heard of Hoe Malone?
Its a popular Christmas Movie starring Macaulay Culkin.
I need to stop drinking...I told myself that I needed to stop drinking so much.
But I'm not about to listen to some drunk weirdo who talks to himself!
I tried to read a book about glue.
I got stuck on the first page.
What's the difference between Iron man and aluminium man?Iron man will stop the bad guy
Aluminium man will just foil their plans
My dad always told me about how his dog would run 2 miles just to get a stick he'd thrown
I always found that far fetched.
What kind of bird works on a construction site?
A crane.
Once I almost fell overboard but was saved by boxes of fish.
There but for the crates of cod go I.
Why is He called Martin Luther King Jr?
Shouldn't he be just called Martin Luther Prince instead?
A man holding a big crocodile walks into a bar...He asks "Do you serve lawyers here?
The bartender replies "We sure do!"
"Good" says the man, "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my crocodile please!"
So, another man walks into a bar... (He says to the bartender, "Hey, will you give me a free beer if I show you something amazing you've never seen before?"
The bartender says, "sure, but it'd better be good."
The man reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He sets the hamster down on the bar, and the hamster runs along the bar, jumps off the end, does a somersault in midair and lands on the piano.
He then proceeds to play the piano beautifully.
The bartender says, "Wow! That was incredible! Have a beer."
The man finishes his beer and says to the bartender, "Hey, if I show you something else amazing that you've never seen before, will you give me another free beer?"
"If it's as amazing as the hamster, sure," the bartender replies.
So the man reaches back into his coat pocket, and pulls out a frog. He sets the frog down on the bar, and the frog begins to sing beautifully.
The bartender is again amazed, and gets the man another beer.
As the man is drinking his beer, another man rushes over and says "Holy crap, a singing frog! I'll give you $200 for that frog."
The first man says "Deal!" and sells him the frog.
The bartender walks over and says, "Not that it's my business, but that was a singing frog, for heaven's sake. Why would you sell it for only $200? You could have made millions off of it."
The man says, "nah mate, don't worry. The hamster's also a ventriloquist!"
What is it called when several floors of a library are lost in a fire?
Burnt stories.
What does a podiatrist say when they have a particularly difficult case?
Thats no easy feat.
A man walks into a chocolate bar and tells a joke
Everybody snickers.
Why did the trigonometry teacher have trouble getting a bank loan?
He needed someone to cosine for it.
The waiter brought me some lobster, showed it to me and brought it back to the kitchen. He then did the same with some fish and some clams.
I don't know what else I should have expected from a see food restaurant.
False teethAn old woman accidentally drops her fake teeth at the park while walking her dog.
She cant find the teeth anywhere in the tall grass. A man spots her bending over and asks what she lost. I dropped my false teeth somewhere around here.
Oh, the man says, thats no big deal. Here, try this pair on.
He hands her a set of teeth that are too big for her mouth. He hands her a second set of teeth that are too small. Finally, the third set fits just right.
Thank you so much, the old woman says. Do you have a business card? Ive been looking for a good dentist for some time.
Oh, Im not a dentist, the man replies. Im an undertaker.
I never understood why people use mice
Then it clicked for me!
What do you call a tiny mother?
A Minimum. was .
What is a color that doesnt exist but constantly haunts your dreams?
A pigment of your imagination.
I want to get some tattoos all across my upper back.But just the outlines, not filled in.
This way people can color them in whenever they need a shoulder to crayon.
I gave my Biology teacher my homework
But she just gave me negative feedback.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!