I was on a date with a woman who kept randomly interjecting our conversation with opinions. They dont make bedsheets like they used to. Quilting is boring. Duvet covers arent worth the money.
Finally I said, Youve got to stop making blanket statements.

Last night in bed, my girlfriend was mumbling about being born in 1892 and writing the Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings
I thought: 'she's Tolkien in her sleep again.'

40 years ago today, l asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend and the most gorgeous woman l know to marry me.
All three said no

If you cut off your Left Arm...
Your Right Arm will be left.

Edit: Corrected a typo

Fever is at the top of the list of worst symptoms for illness.
While constipation is a solid number two.

What do call a pig that knows karate?
A pork chop

Why couldnt the duck cross the road?
Because he got his foot stuck in a quack.

Really glad Ive never contracted dysentery
That would be the shits.

Every fortune teller I've ever met is either incredibly depressing or way too enthusiastic.
Why is it so hard to find a happy medium?

Why dont elephants use computers?
They are afraid of the mouse

Breakfast Snake
My 9 month old daughter was eating a banana this morning and was taking some seriously large bites. My wife said she looked like a snake unhinging its jaw. To which I said

"Shes a Bananaconda!"

I felt the collective eye roll from the entire household lol.

What do you call a fake fish?
A de-koi

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say to his chef when he saw the vegetables were not prepped?
GET TO THE CHOPPER!

A clown held a door open for me.
I thought that was a nice jester.

If a sugar daddy spoils you...
If a sugar daddy spoils you, what does a salt daddy do?

Preserve you

How do you fit an elephant into a SafeWay bag?
You take the S out of "Safe" and the F out of Way.

Why do sharks live in salt water?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze.

I couldn't decide whether I should get Eggos or just make my own.
I was waffling on the decision.

Grandpa in the hospital
A man goes to visit his grandpa in the hospital.
How are you, grandpa? he asks.
Feeling fine, says the old man.
Whats the food like?
Terrific, wonderful menus.
And nursing?
Just couldnt be better. These young nurses really take care of you.
What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?
No problem at all nine hours solid every night. At 10 oclock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet and thats it. I go out like a light.
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge.
What are you people doing, he says,
Im told youre giving a 95-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely, that cant be true?
Oh, yes, replies the Sister.
Every night at 10 oclock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed.

I just finished my first shift at the ravioli factory.
Boyardees arms tired.

How do you make a hotdog stand?
Take away its chair

A Johnny Cash story
Few people know that before he was famous, the late Johnny Cash tried a chip full of salsa served backstage in Possumneck, Mississippi that changed his life. It was spicy and tangy and smoky and so good that he just couldn't get it off of his mind. Unfortunately, there was no jar, no label.

Now, there have been rumors that Johnny had kind of an addictive personality. He would sometimes disappear for days on end. People attributed it to drugs or alcohol. The truth is that he would roam the country searching for the special hot sauce of his dreams. He heard rumors and whispers of the deadly condiment and followed them to countless dead ends. He stopped at every Tex Mex restaurant, truck stop, and Mexican grocery in the South without finding what he sought.

One day he heard tell of an old woman, a witch down in the Mayan peninsula in Mexico whom it was said, made the best salsa in the world! He cancelled his next five gigs and headed south. He rode donkeys, Jeeps and horse drawn wagons. He traversed deserts, mountains and jungles before finally reaching the fabled village where the old bruja lived.

He found and entered the old woman's hut. As luck would have it, she was one of his first big fans, having caught one of his shows at that Holiday Inn in Possumneck, Mississippi while attending a Salsa Aficionado convention where one of her jars of salsa mysteriously disappeared and somehow made its way to a bowl backstage. She consented to sharing her secret recipe with him only after he agreed to write a song for her.

She shared the special Tomatillos grown in Mayan soil. She gave him the seeds from a rare Mexican pepper and showed him the special pan with a rounded bottom, similar to those used in the Far East that she would use to simmer "la lima" or "lime," the source of the salsa's tanginess. He asked her if he could just use his regular flat-bottomed pan but she insisted that he must use the round-bottomed pan.

From this came the inspiration for the lyrics: "Because you're Mayan, I'll wok the lime."

What do you call an poor ancient roman woman that likes other women?
A plesbian

What do you call a female pirate who loses a leg?
Peg.

Gender explained with biblical characters
XY is Adam
XX is Eve
YYY is Delila.