When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, Ha! Thats not going to help! I replied, Sure, it does.
Its the only way I can see the numbers.

I messaged my wife from Victorias Secret. Hey babe whats your cup size? She replied, .y?
I wrote, damn, they dont carry that.

What do you call a plane full of bald people?
Receding Airlines

What car do sushi chefs drive?
Rolls Rice.

A woman fainted and fell onto the baggage carousel at the airport.
But she's slowly coming around now.

Two guys walk into a bar. "Hey donkey get the beers" shouts one guy to the other. The barman says to the guy, "That's a bit mean, why does he call you donkey?"
And the man replies "It's OK, he aw ... he aw ... he always calls me donkey"

To stop ants from coming into your home, leave a saucer of milk outside. The adult ants drink it and it has an effect on ant reproduction. The young ants are born without toes so they can't climb into your house walls.
The effect is called "lacked toes in toddler ants."

I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because the weights are too heavy.
I just handed in my too weak notice.

I asked his girl out for coffee. She said: Great, how about 10 tomorrow?
10 is a mental amount of coffees to drink. Date cancelled.

George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey get together to make a movie.
Clooney says, "I'll direct."

DiCaprio says, "I'll act."

McConaughey says, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."

What do you call a 7 with the flu?
A sick seven

I passed gas in front of a friend
I passed gas in front of a friend, and it made that unmistakable rat-a-tat sound of weapons used by 1920s gangsters. My friend said From now on, Im calling you Machine Gun Smelly!

What would this country be if every car was pink?
A pink carnation

My wife says I dont have opinions of my own.
I agree.

I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus...
...and that's how I lost my job as a bus driver.

Where in the US would you find a women-owned toilet repair shop?
Flushing, Queens.

Why shouldn't you turn your back on a dinosaur?
Because you will get Jurass-kicked!

If you're going to be an acronym....
You've got to stand for something.

I moved into an igloo and my friends threw me a housewarming party
Worst idea ever. Now Im homeless

I had a debate with a flat earther. He said hell walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong
Im sure hell come around.

One of my family heirlooms is a globe.
It means the world to me.

Nudist group protester
My neighbor was part of a nudist group that went to the state capital building to protest their nude beach being closed. When they got there, they got undressed on the ground floor to start their protest. They found that the elevators were out of order so they had to walk up crowded public stairs to get to the top floor. After he got about a fourth of the way up, he changed his mind, quickly walked down and went home. I asked him if he turned around due to so many steps. He replied, "It was too many stares."

An astronaut tossed a soda can into outer space
He made a root beer float

How do you know if it's a Jersey Cow?
By the license plate.

Racecar backwards is still Racecar...
But racecar upside-down is expensive.