They say that sniffing rosemary will improve your memory. I tried it once.
Then she hit me. I dont remember much after that.

Whats the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken.

What muscle car do they drive in Norway?
The Fijord Mustang.

My teenage daughter was being snarky with me the other day, so I told her "don't get testy with me young lady!"
"No I'm not!" she exclaimed, "I'm a girl! I'm getting ovary with you!"

My son came home from winter break and I told him it felt like an entury since Id seen him. He goes, "What the heck does entury mean?"
I said, "Long time, no C."

Mary gave birth to Jesus. And Jesus was a Lamb of God..
So does that mean Mary had a little lamb...

I went out for dinner last night and I'm very proud of myself from walking out the bar sober
My wife had to burst my bubble though because it was a salad bar

I made up a new word,
it's called plagiarism.

What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.

I tried to organize an orgy in rural Pennsylvania.
It was a swing and a-mish.

3025 years from now life on Earth will be either really good or really bad...
It'll be 5050

I was trying to think of a bald joke
But I got nothing off the top of my head

What did the full glass say to the empty glass?
Youre drunk.

Why do I always get those little tiny wax-wrapped cheese snacks in my Christmas stocking?
Because Christmas is all about the baby cheeses.

I went to a seafood restaurant and they shorted me on the shellfish platter
So I took them to small clams court.

How would a mathematician chop wood?
Using a logarithm.

A man walked into a fish n chip shop....
... with a salmon under his arm. He asked the server if they were able to make fish cakes.

"We certainly can" replied the young lady.

"Fantastic!" said the man. "It's his birthday!"

Did you know that Bruce Lee was father to two children?
A parent Lee, he was.

In a lineup of Men all assigned a letter of the alphabet, how many women are there?
Just one. Man D.

Ive lost control. I dont see an end. There is no escape. I dont even have a home anymore.
Guess its time for a new keyboard.

I have a phobia of overengineered buildings
I have a complex complex complex

Did you hear that the midget psychic escaped?
There is a small medium at large.

I was already running late to my job in Chicago when my car broke down in the middle of the road.
I took the L that day.

How does a farmer keep track of his cattle?
By using a cowculator.