Did you hear about the chameleon who couldnt change colour?
He had a reptile dysfunction

To save money on fuel I took the mirrors off of my car to reduce drag
I've not looked back since.

Why didnt number 4 go through the haunted house with its friends?
It was just 2.

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, Its not working. I cant take it any more. Im going to my moms. Confused and extremely worried, I slowly opened the fridge door. The light came on, the beer was cold.
What the hell did she mean?

Do not be afraid of a six month home renovation.
Those twelve months will be the most fulfilling two years of your life.

When you need to protect your butt, you should call Thor
He's an Asgardian

What do you call it when a police officer quits their job?
A cop-out.

Why didn't the maths teacher go on the roller coaster?
He was 2

What type of doctor has the most no-show appointments?
Dermatologists.

Their patients tend to be flaky.

My wife said I am always messing up sayings. I told her
I could care less!

What do u call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick

My personal trainer said he eats five big meals and trains six days a week.
I have no idea how he eats that many trains.

Mantis.
Baby praying mantis: Dad, who do we pray to?

Dad mantis: That depends on the religion.

Wait bugs have different religions?

Of course, son were in sects.

Why does ironing clothes make them shrink?
Because it de-creases them.

Did you hear about the bee who got busted for visiting a prostitute?
It was a sting operation.

My wife just ironed my dress shirt while I was wearing it
She likes to press my buttons

I recently got arrested for stealing a whole volume of encyclopaedias.
I turned to the officer and said, Look, I can explain everything.

My therapist diagnosed me as "audio-averse".
I don't like the sound of that.

A naked guy fell into a pile of glitter
pretty nuts, right?

I cleaned my vacuum cleaner.
Now I am the vacuum cleaner.

Teacher: can anyone tell me a Scandinavian country which doesnt have the letter R?
Student: No way!

I made a bunch of ghee last week
Actually, it was just butter.

Sorry, I should have clarified.

I noticed 2 large bumps on my car battery. I had them tested
One came back positive.

Google says its terminal, l was shocked...

Calendar factory
I used to work at a calendar factory... But I got fired for taking a couple days off.