Can one of the Mods please explain to me why my post was removed?
I'm really annoyed about this because now my fence has fallen over....

TIFU by accidentally not boarding the right sea vessel in the Navy
Shit, wrong sub

What do you call a detective who accidentally solves all his cases?
Sheer Luck Holmes.

To the guy who stole my anti-depressants
I hope youre happy now.

I've just released my own fragrance.
Nobody in the car seemed to like it.

Have you heard about Christopher Nolans new movie?
They say you oughta see it

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

So they did.

Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

My daughter was doing history homework and asked me what I knew about Galileo
I said he was just a poor boy from a poor family.

You occupy space and have mass
You matter.

I went on a date the other day with a woman who works at the zoo and I tell you....
....she's a keeper

Did you hear about the pilot from Helsinki who's also a magician?
After walking up the steps onto the airplane, he vanished into FinnAir!

When I asked my friend, who works in IT, How do you make a motherboard?, he explained...
I usually tell her about my job.

Where did Benedict Arnold shop for his groceries?
Traitor Joes.

It's our annual general meeting at the Constipation Club tonight.
Sadly, I can't go.

Hoover Dam PSA
Not a joke, but just returned from the Hoover Dam tour with my son, and it was endless Dad jokes like on National Lampoon's Vacation.
"Take all the dam pictures you want", "Let's get in the dam elevator", "Should we get a drink from the dam water fountain",etc.
Endless opportunities!

Why couldn't the rapper focus during the rap battle?
Because he was easily diss-track-ted.

Do you want to see The Odyssey?
You Odyssey deez nuts!

Ive been dropping this joke to my friends over text asking if they want to see the Odyssey and then when they say yes giving this as a reply.

Its the dumbest joke and has absolutely started off my weekend on an amazing vibe.

My dog won't stop shaking
I think he might have Barkinson's.

Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?
He was just going through a stage.

My half brother and I
arent allowed to play with chainsaws anymore

Hey I saw this chicken at the gym...
....it was working on it's pecs

Which superhero hits the most home runs?
Batman!!

What do you call an illegally parked frog?
Toad.

Why was there poop all over the road?
It was the asphalt.

What do you call birds that stick together?
Velcrows