My son was in bad shape after his girlfriend dumped him, so I bought him a Playstation and an Xbox.
That really helped console him.
CIA loses track of an OperativeThe CIA lost track of its operative Murphy in Ireland. The CIA director said, All I can tell you is his name is Murphy & hes somewhere in Ireland. If you think youve located him, tell him the code words, The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning. If its really him, hell answer, Yes, and for mist at noon as well.
The operative went to Ireland & stopped in a bar in a small town. He said to the barman, Maybe you can help me. Im looking for a guy named Murphy.
The bartender replied, Youre going to have to be more specific because, around here, there are lots of guys named Murphy. Theres Murphy the Baker who runs the pastry shop on the next block. Theres Murphy the Banker whos president of our local savings bank. Theres Murphy the Blacksmith, who works at the stables. And, as a matter of fact, my name is Murphy, too.
Hearing this, the operative figured he might as well try the code words on the bartender, so he said, The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning.
The bartender replied, Oh, youre looking for Murphy the Spy. He lives right down the street."
Sometimes the universe just hands you a punchlineI was in the kitchen with my 16-year-old daughter, who wanted to learn to bake. I opened the flour and lo and behold it's got bugs.
I said to her, these are weevils.
She said, "I thought weevils were bigger."
I said, "You're thinking of the boll weevil," and then inspiration struck. "These are the lesser of the two weevils."
Be nice to your dentists!
He has fillings too.
My daughter just left the kitchen
We was doing some baked apples and I held up an apple core. Looked at her and said "You should remember for this forever because this is a core memory." And she just left the kitchen without saying anything. What is your best dad joke event or memory.
Dolly Parton once lost a Dolly lookalike contest. So did Elvis and Charlie Chaplin.
To be fair, neither looks much like Dolly.
Why did Spider-Man pick his nose?To get rid of the Green Goblin
Don't judge me, I love cheesy jokes and have a million of them
How did Mario get his kart home when it broke down?
He got Toad.
I did it.I may have achieved the perfect dad joke in real time.
I was sitting on a panel during a presentation in front of dozens of people. One of the other presenters was talking, and Id lost the thread for a few seconds when suddenly my brain tuned back in:
and were partnering with the Norwegian, Swedish, and Finnish navies.
My brain: The Scandinavian navies.
Oh.
OH.
My mouth before my brain realized it was moving: Did you know their ships all have barcodes on the sides?
Presenter, completely sincerely: No, I didnt know that.
Me: Yeah! Its so they can Scan Da Navy In.
I was met by silence.
Not groaning. Not laughter.
About EIGHT FULL SECONDS of silence.
Then, from another presenter (a friend of mine) sitting elsewhere on the panel:
OH MY GOD, YOURE SUCH A DORK!
Then the audience began to realize what theyd just witnessed.
I asked her about it again today because I couldnt remember exactly what shed called me. She couldnt remember either.
What she DID remember was why it took her eight seconds to react: she was genuinely flabbergasted that the setup had appeared organically in a real professional presentation, that Id recognized it instantly, and that shed actually watched the whole atrocity happen spontaneously in real time.
She told me that it is the single best real-time dad joke she has ever witnessed in her life.
I have never been prouder of any other dad joke - and there have been MANY.
The bar has been set. Now I know what I have to aspire to.
Not many people know Yoda has a last name
Its Layheehoo
George Washington once studied to be a cardiologist, but he failed at making diagnoses.
True. He could not tell A-Fib
Two narcissists walk into a bar
They spill drinks on each but it doesnt matter because they are too self-absorbed
With Trump renaming all these geographic features, next up he's going to rename the San Andreas Fault...
... to "Biden's Fault"
According to Tom Petty, fly fishing has a lot of challenges
but the wading is the hardest part.
How do Minions search the internet?
They use GRUgle.
What do you call a cold garden tool?
Pop-sickle
The stock market reportStock Market Report
Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading.>
Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged.
The market for raisins dried up. Balloon prices were inflated and toilet paper touched a new bottom.
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
Breaking News: Viagra shipping truck hijacked
Reports say the police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals
Whats the best part about old age?
No peer pressure
As a kid, I was a terrible student. I once wrote the answers to a multiple-choice test on tiny pieces of paper and hid them up my nose.
It didnt help. I still couldnt pick the right ones.
Science class
I picked my 10-year-old up from school. She told me that she fell down and hurt herself in science class. Without missing a beat I said how are you studying gravity? She gave me the evil eye.
N.A.S.A. sent four cows into orbit.
They were the herd shot 'round the world.
Where do cows go on Friday nights?
To the moo-vies.
Now that Lake Ontario has been renamed Lake America there's a new acronym to remember the great lakes..
instead of HOMES the new acronym is SHAME