I told my GF that I have a half brother living near Sydney Harbour in Australia. Different dads?she asked.
I said no, shark attack.

If farmer A sells apples and farmer B sells bananas What does farmer C sell?
Medicine.

I was shocked to read a local dentist was arrested for dealing drugs. Id been going there for years
I didnt know he was a dentist.

I just heard that Neil Diamond has just sold his car on ebay...
Its a sweet car online

I was sleeping in my hotel when the phone rang at 6 AM. It was the front desk, and she told me i need to go apologize to my parents and repair our relationship before they die of old age, and I regret it forever.
It was a real wake up call.

"Doctor, I have a passionate dislike for the Backstreet Boys."
Psychiatrist: "Tell me why."

The teacher asked a kid why he wasn't paying attention in class. "I bet you can't even name 2 types of water bodies!"
He replied, "Well, dam."

After devouring several luxury hotels, Godzilla developed cavities.
The dentist told him he'd been eating too many suites.

Magician.
There was a Mexican magician. He said hell disappear on the count of three. He said uno, dos, *poof* he disappeared without a tres.

Husband: Guests are coming tonight. What's for dinner?
Wife:I am not well today, so there's only green beans.

Husband:No worry. I have an idea. When the guests arrives you'll welcome them and I'll go to the kitchen and drop one utensil and then you'll say "what happen" . Then I'll say "oh no!! I dropped the chicken " . I couple of seconds later I'll drop another utensil and say "I dropped the spaghetti. Now we're only left with green beans."

(Guest arrives)

Wife: Welcome. Please make yourself comfortable.

(loud sound comes from the kitchen)

Wife: Everything alright, honey?

Husband: Damn it. I dropped the beans.

What is the difference between a boxer and a man with a cold?
One knows his blows, and the other blows his nose!

I showed my Jamaican father my report card. He said, Do you worship the devil now, son?! Im like, What do you mean??
Because you got a D, mon!

I have a step ladder.
I never knew my real ladder.

My grandmother is over eighty and she still doesn't need glasses.
She drinks right out of the bottle.

I worked as an underwear model
It was just a brief job.

My son asked me if he should use an AA or AAA battery to produce a spark to start a fire.
I said AAA, because it's a little lighter.

What do you call a short person who enjoys good food?
Gastrognome

Bear claws are by far the tastiest pastry.
Theyre made from scratch.

My Wife yelled at me
My wife yelled at me, "You haven't listened to a word I've said!"

I thought that was a weird way to start a conversation...

Why did Cinderella get kicked off the baseball team?
She ran away from the ball

Ive got the memory of an elephant
I remember one time I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.

Since the quarantining and being on lockdown
I've only been telling inside jokes.

I keep asking what were doing in Iran.
I can never get a Strait answer.

What does a fish say when it's swimming forward and hits a wall?
Dam!

Im so sick of my new phone. Autocorrect keeps changing Surely to Shirley
Must be stuck in Airplane Mode