Why aren't French fries actually cooked in France?
Because they are cooked in Greece

What does it sound like when a vampire sneezes?
Nosfer-AACHOO!

What's the price difference between a beer nut and a deer nut?
A beer nut costs 4.99 and a deer nut is under a buck

Where do hamsters come from?
Hamsterdam

My dog just swallowed some coins!

Very worried, I'm monitoring him closely, but there's still no change.

What is the difference between a Vietnamese restaurant and an Indian restaurant ?
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My father always said, "When one door closes another one opens."
He was a terrific father and a terrible cabinet maker.

I saw an army of babies marching down the street.
It had to be the infantry.

What did the sushi say to the Bee?
Wasbi!

My son had just ordered some Chinese food and I asked him what he had...he said 'chicken balls'
I said 'I meant for dinner'

I bet youve never had a hamburger on an airplane. Right?
Because its ground beef.

Teacher: "What do you mean, you ate your homework? Why would you do this?"
Student: "Because you said, it would be a piece of cake!"

Who was the most polite leader in world history?
Yessir Arafat

Friends.
My friend keeps saying 'cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.

How much does a pirate pay for 100 ears of corn?
$103.14. A buck an ear, plus the pi-rate tax!

How would you scare a bee!?
BOO-BEES!

What's the best mountain to go take a nap on?
Mount Ever-rest

I knew a cop with epilepsy once
He worked in search and seizure

I got one of those switch boxes for my CRT TV, so I can connect 8 retro consoles to it at once.
Total game changer.

The country with the largest number of parks in the world is Korea.
As a matter of fact, I'm good friends with five of them.

I stormed out of the diner when they said they were out of bread.
I am lack toast intolerant.

I'm riding along in the car and told everyone "I'm easily the funniest person in my life"
Everyone laughed, proving my point.

What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing, it just waved

My dad got me into marionette school.
He had to pull a few strings.

What did the man from Puerto Rico say when he couldn't find his mobile?
"Where mofongo?"