When my twins were being delivered, my daughter was born at 5 to midnight, but my son didnt follow right away.
The Dr. said Dont worry, the sonll come out, tomorrow.
Why does Tiger Woods wear two condoms?
In case he gets a hole in one
Whats a ghosts favorite type of sex?
Boo-ty calls.
The average person is really
mean
Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar.
Batman follows them in.
At 16, I was promoted to shift manager at Arbys. My dad knocked me down a peg, saying, Oh yeah? My first job, I STARTED with over 500 people below me! So I asked him what job that was
Mowing the lawn at the cemetery.
To the person who stole my copy of Overcoming Insomnia
How do you sleep at night?
I feel bad for Greek vegans.
They'll never meat their gyros.
Why is Santa so jolly?
He knows where all the naughty girls live.
Why did the baby habanero put on a jacket?
It was a little chilli.
Im about to tell you the 10th and 11th letters of the alphabet.
Jk
I've bought all my pet rabbits from the same breeder.
He's my primary hare provider.
Why don't ghosts tell dad jokes?
They're scared the others ghosts will boo them.
Heard a great Dad joke at DisneylandSon: Are we going to Tomorrowland today?
Dad: No, we are going tomorrow. It's not called Todayland.
Who led the Jewish people across a semi permeable membrane?
Os-Moses.
What lives underwater, blows up planets but can't hear anything?
A deaf star fish.
What do you call an Asian Dwayne Johnson?
The Wok.
Albert Einstein married his first cousin
Even his marriage was relative
I just had an argument with my 5 year old about the importance of wearing pants in public and she won, so today...
...Im wearing pants to take her to school.
What happens when a frogs car breaks down?
It gets toad away.
While out for a hike, I was surprised to find a Subaru SUV in the woods
I guess I couldn't see the Forester for the trees
Local authorities have decided not to dig deeper into embezzlement claims at a local bait shop!
The reason, they were afraid they might be opening a can of worms.
What do you call a caveman who doesn't know where he going?
Meanderthal
A quantum physicist walks into a bar
There is no bar.
What do you call a martial arts discipline developed by giant apes?
Kong fu