My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with wearing a different t-shirt every hour.
I said, Wait, I can change.

I'm thinking about breeding racing deer.
I'm looking to make a quick buck...

At dinner, I asked my date if she was religious. She said she was still deciding because the Baptists wanted her to join, but so did the Catholics, an Orthodox Jewish congregation, and even a Hindu temple.
I said, Wow You clearly have some serious sects appeal.

Some idiot threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me!!!!!
Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil.

I went out for a meal and ordered the Rabbit stew.
I had to return it. It had a hare in it.

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian
Do you have that book for men with small penises?

The librarian looks on her computer and says, I dont know if its in yet.

The man replies, Yeah, thats the one!

My mother worked 12 hours every day just to put food on the table.
Amazing woman, but slowest cook ever.

Yesterday I bought a 12 year old Scotch
His mom was furious!

Political opinions are like dicks
Its okay to have them, just dont shove them down peoples throats.

I'm very pleased with my new fridge magnet
So far I've got eight fridges

With regret we announce that the CEO of Ricola Swiss Lozenges has passed away.
There was no coffin at the funeral.

When I was a kid, my parents had a cat named Butter because of his color...
When he passed away years later, they were heartbroken. So I got them another cat that looked exactly the same and they named him...

I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!

I found the worlds oldest stick of chewing gum.
Miraculously, its still in mint condition.

Why did the man fall down the well?
Because he didnt see that well

My wife left her bra on the floor, and I tripped on it
it was a booby trap.

My wife is mad because every time she farts I hold a lighter up to her butt.
She says I need to stop gaslighting her.

My boss gave both his grown kids cushy management positions where all they have to do is sleep all day.
Its blatant napotism.

What does a Kraken eat?
Fish and ships

Why are Koalas employed?
Cause they have good koalifications.

Legal.
A man is suing
Smart Water for not making him smart, and I'd like to formally announce my lawsuit against
Thin Mints.

My wife has a new T-shirt with pictures of carrots, apples and bananas. Call me crazy, but I think its sexy.
She looks so good in a crop top.

What does a C monster eat?
All the other letters.

I killed two stones with one bird.
Keith Richards and Mick Jagger were not happy about that.

Edit: thought of an addition..

Hitting moving targets is hard though.

I was going to tell you a joke about time travel
But you didn't like it

It's impossible to lose a homing pigeon
If your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon.