My boss asked me: why I am sick on week days only?
I said it must be my weekend immune system
I immediately woke up my puppy when he started mumbling in his dream about the earth being flat.
I dont let sleeping dogs lie.
To who ever stole my anti-depressants.
I hope you are happy now
Just once I'd like someone to call me Sir without the added
"You're causing a scene. We're going to have to ask you to leave."
happy father's day!
one of my friends told me years ago that his daughter came up to him and said, DADDY! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!

he said thank you and she should let her mommy know that too. so she went to her mommy and said, MOMMY! I LOVE DADDY SO MUCH!

happy father's day, all!

My paper plane wont fly
Its completely stationary
This dadjoke subreddit is really important
My humor goes father here

Ps. Happy Fathers Day!

I used to look up to my dad
But then I got taller!
What is the fastest male fruit?
Mango
The woman who fell from a cruise ship has been named
Eileen Dover
Cottage Cheese isnt really cheese
Its just a curd to me.
Yeah. I've had a colonoscopy. I guess you could say I had a...
CAMERON DIAZ
I thought I knew my rights and lefts, 'til someone changed my view with the 'L' trick...
He was undeniably left. I was so embarrassed I went up and right left then and there.
My Boss suggested I sign up for a 401k
No way I am running that far
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
Bruce Lee had a brother no one liked
Brocco
My dad asked for something groundbreaking for Father's Day...
So I got him a shovel.
You know why you can never hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because the pee is silent.

What do salamander lumberjacks do?
Well, they axolotl trees
I accidentally drank my laxatives with holy water.
I'm about to start a religious movement.
My wife thinks it's weird that I stare at the window during a heavy rainstorm.
It would be a lot less weird if she'd just let me in.
My in-laws stopped over for the weekend. My Father-in-law forgot to pack deodorant, so my wife offers the choice of a deodorant and an antiperspirant, and asks "which one would you like?".. he looks, pauses, and replies " ummm"
I chimed in... "give him a minute, he's stinking about it!"

(Of course nobody except my father in law chuckled. :)

Do you know what happens when you eat aluminum foil?
You sheet metal.
The other day a grandfather clock fell over and landed on my fingers
I had too much time on my hands
If life opens a door and it shuts
Open the door again, thats how a door works