My dad used to work 12 hours a day to put food on our table.
A great man, but a terribly slow cook.

My nerdy friend Tim just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.

My wife asked how my first day at the condom factory went. I said, Not great. My manager pulled me into his office to yell at me, said I should be fired because the ones I made were too thin and brittle.
She gasped and said, Oh no, that sounds tearable!

I met the man who invented the part of a map that explains what each symbol means.
What a legend.

My wife left me after she found out I had learnt limbo dancing to suprise her ...
I bent over backwards for that woman

My daughter hit me with an original creation.
Kid: why do birds go to a special school?

Me: I dont know? Do they go to special schools?

Kid: yeah, they go to high schools!

My three-almost-four year old has a bright future.

NASA is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
Theyre calling it Apollo G

When I was a baby my parents used to bath me in cheap Australian lager
it wasnt until I was 18 that I realised Id been Fostered.

How do you make the number one disappear?
You add g, and its gone.

BREAKING NEWS: Count Chocular, The Stay Puft Marshmellow Man and The Teddy Grahams Bear have all persisted in a fire.
SMore at 11

What do you call a guy who runs orchestra really quickly?
Lightning conductor

Where do naughty rainbows go?
To prism. It's a light sentence, giving them time to reflect.

Where do gardeners go to sleep?
In the flower bed

My wife says I'm the cheapest person she knows
I'm not buying it

What is an introvert's least favorite band?
Crowded House

Whats the name of the Japanese attorney who only files lawsuits against women?
Sushi

Last week I paid someone to cover my wife in nappies
She loves being pampered

Why does a cow wear bells?
Because their horns dont work

Apparently its common knowledge youre supposed to switch over to a burner account before making a controversial post
Anyways, whos hiring?

Whenever I cook with wheat, barley, or rice, my wife gets terrible headaches
Turns out she suffers from my grains.

When is Luke Skywalker not Luke Skywalker?
When he's in a Tonton he's Luke Warm.

Yesterday a friendly fish sent me a private message motivating me to live my life to the fullest.
It was a Carp DM.

I heard on the news that some guy was stealing the wheels off police cars.
The cops are working tirelessly to find him.

What do cows like to read?
Cattle-logs

My dentist removed the wrong tooth.
It was accidental