I ran out of clean socks. So I piled all my dirty ones on a tray, grabbed my detergent, and headed down a steep hill from my home to the laundromat. As I was descending, I slipped and fell, sending the dirty socks flying one way, and the detergent flying another way. So there I was...
Sittin' on the sock by the tray, watching the Tide roll away.
I just heard the sad news
About Dolly parting.
What's the gender of a doorbell?
Male, because it has a ding dong.
What do you call a hooker who is great at keeping time?
Whorologist
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles
I'm experiencing constant vowel movements
I somehow managed to make it through high school math while only being able to remember even numbers!
What are the odds?
One of my employees said they needed bereavement for the rest of the day after hearing about Dolly Parton.
I told her she should honor her memory, finish the day, and work 9 to 5.
Driver Instructor to driving student You are driving, there is an old woman and a young child in front of you, what do you hit? Driving Student Well I guess I would hit the old woman, the child has their whole life ahead of them.
Driver Instructor You hit the Brakes!
What do you call a hippie's wife?
Mississippi.
Id love to tell a cash machine joke
but i havent got one atm
What kind of key can open a banana?
A monkey
A trip to the grocery store
I was having a birthday party for my niece and wanted to make her cake, so I went to the grocery store. Much to my dismay, all of the baking items I needed were on top shelves, out of my reach. A Viking saw my predicament and asked if he could help by letting me sit on his shoulders to get what I needed. In just a few minutes, I had everything so he put me back down. I shook his hand, thanked him, then asked him his name but he said he didn't have one. I then realized...I'd been through the desserts on a Norse with no name.
My dog got into our scrabble box and ate a whole bunch of word tiles, we rushed her to the vet and are still waiting.
No word yet.
What did the German man say when he was asked if hed like 5 Dolly Parton impersonators to perform for him?
He said Nein to five.
What do you call a mouse that swears?
A cursor
Im opening a funeral parlor for people of no specific faith and calling it
Die Agnostic Services
He saw right through...I introduced my Imaginary Girlfriend to my therapist.
He said, "You can do better!"
I said, "I'm trying but it's hard these days!"
He said, "I was talking to her!"
An Egyptian mummy has been found covered in chocolates and nuts
archaeologists believe it could be Pharoah Roche
I asked my sister what to get my niece for her birthday
She said she's really into Frozen stuff, so I got her some oven chips and peas.
Dog magician.What kind of dog can do magic?
A LAB-Ra-Cabdabra-DOR!
I couldn't find my clock, phone or watches ... I had no clue what time it was...
Then it dawned on me...
I'm going to tell you a Medieval pun whether you like it or not.
Resistance is feudal.
If you put a picture of yourself in a locket, you could say you were
independant.
Jokey pokey...When I was little I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey...
But with a little therapy, I was able to turn myself around...
I was dating a girl at the office named LorraineWe had gone out for a while. A new cute girl named Claire Lee started working in our group. I really liked her but still liked Lorraine. After a month or so, Lorraine got transferred to another city.
It was fine. I can see Claire Lee now. Lorraine is gone.