Ive just finished reading a book called how to clear leaves from your lawn
By Ray King

Once upon a time, there lived a king who was only 12 inches tall...
He was a terrible king, but he made a great ruler.

I walked into the kitchen and nobody said hi
But the micro waved.

Paid $500 so my son could play High School Football
Terrible investment. All I got was a quarterback.

When my son's goldfish died, I offered to get him another one just like it.
He said, "Why would I want two dead goldfish?"

Id been getting strange looks every time I touched my head at the checkout counter
Things are different now that I realize cashiers were not telling me to tap toupee.

What do you call a cow that plays the guitar?
A moosician

Whats the term for being kicked off of Greeces largest island?
Being ex-Creted

I politely declined my friends offer to check out his new YouTube channel dedicated to bunny colonoscopies.
I dont want to waste an entire day going down rabbit holes.

Who ever lost their iPhone 18 Pro at Walmart this morning...
Would you please stop calling my new phone...

What do you call a magician thats lost his magic?
Ian

I once dated a crossed eyed girl but had to end it,
she was seeing someone else on the side.

How can you tell if a sniper likes you?
He misses you.

The service at the T-Rex Caf is terrible.
They're always short-handed.

What do you call a Candle that can handle any job no matter how bad it stinks?
The John Wick

A photographer goes to a haunted castle determined to get a picture of a ghost on Halloween.
The ghost he encounters turns out to be friendly and poses for a snapshot. The happy photographer later downloads his photos and finds that the photos are underexposed and completely blank.

Moral to the story: The spirit is willing, but the flash is weak

I treat my girlfriend like a princess.
I gave her thousands of responsibilities and put the weight of a country on her shoulders.

What fairground ride is made of metal?
The ferrous wheel

What do zombies serve at a tea party?
Finger sandwiches

What do you call a Sith Lord thats from the South?
Darth Yall

I have a joke about gold and myrrh
But it makes no frankin sense

Whats Medusas favorite cheese?
Gorgonzola

$100s.
What do you call a wreath made of $100 bills?
.....Aretha Franklins
(Please don't block me)

I'm sitting on the couch, hiding from all forms of exercise. If anyone asks...
I'm in the Fitness Protection program.

A colleague of mine told me he did not have tulips. I told him he actually did.
They're on his mouth.