Professor X asks a young girl: Whats your superpower?
The girls responds I can predict exactly how many pulls of a ceiling fan string is needed to turn it off. For example, the one above your head needs 3.

Professor X gets up and pulls the string 3 times and as she predicted, it turns off.

Wow, thats impressive, Professor X tells her. But thats not really a superpower.

Yeah youre right, The girl responds. I was just kidding. I can actually heal paraplegics

"Hi, does your dog bite?"
No of course not.

"OUCH!! I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOUR DOG DOESN'T BITE!?"

That is not my dog.

What does Excel and an incel have in common?
Both misinterpret things as a date.

Today I learned if you turn a canoe over, you can wear it as a hat.
Because it's cap sized.

Just been in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask
I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?"

She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."

Singer.
Do you sing in the car?

Yes, but only when I'm going in reverse.

I'm a backup singer.

I was sitting and eating at a vietnamese resturaunt when suddenly I spilled some food.
As I was wiping my leg though, I took a closer look at the food. I called the waiter over to tell him the food was fake.

I pointed at the food on my leg and showed him. It was very obvious when I pointed it out... it was definitely pho knee.

What's the difference between an angry chicken and a shady lawyer?
An angry chicken clucks defiance . . .

Just opened my water bill and my electric bill at the same time.
I was shocked.

My girlfriend thinks using a condom somehow increases the risk of pregnancy. I told her - no no.. thats a
Common missed-conception

Did you hear about the dairy farmer who was labeling his low-fat milk as whole milk?
He was skimming.

Why did the mushroom go to jail?
He lost his morel compass

Made this up to annoy my teenager. I apologize in advance.
What version of heaven do numbers go to when they die?

6-Heaven

I just found out my local bakery burned down
Now their business is toast

My 7yo daughter helped come up with this: which types of belt are the strictest school teachers?
The suspend-ers.

If King Charles accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.
Noble gases should have no reaction.

Genghis Khan wasn't just a mighty warrior, he was also a gifted painter whose works had the ability to hypnotize and fool people.
He was a true Khan Artist.

A man was waiting for his wife to give birth
The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. What came out was just literally just a head.

But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he was proud of him, and ordered the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, the boy took his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso popped out!

The bar was dead silent, then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The bartender shook his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms popped out!

The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" But the bartender ignored the whole affair.

By this time, the boy was getting tipsy. With his new hands, he reached down, grabbed the drink, and guzzled the last of it.

Swoooop! Two legs popped out.

The bar was in chaos. The father wept with joy. The boy stood up on his new legs. He stumbled to the left. He stumbled to the right. Then he stumbled through the front door and into the street, where a truck ran him over.

The bar fell silent. The father moaned with grief. The bartender merely sighed and said,

He should have quit while he was ahead.

I just cracked an egg into a bowl in the dark.
Im sure theres a yolk in there somewhere.

I can't believe my neighbor had the nerve to bang on my door at 3am.
Fortunately I was still up at the time playing the drums.

What do you call a row of rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare line.

Who lives next door to Robin Hood?
Neighbour Hood.

I got convicted for stealing a banana.
I wont be appealing.

What do you call someone who sells prosthetics to dwarfs who are amputees?
A small arms dealer

Once you hire a company to assemble your books, theres no turning back.
Youre in a binding agreement.