Its been 3 years since I started training for the ejaculation distance championships
Since then Ive come a long way.

I was heartbroken when my wife told me that my five-year-old was not my son.
Then she told me to pay more attention at kindergarten pickup.

I dont understand why people dislike vegans so much
Ive never had beef with them.

I almost decided to start worshipping paper bags
But decided that would be sack religious.

Bruce Lee was fast, but did you know that he had a brother that was even faster?
His name was Sudden Lee.

My dentist said to stop grinding my teeth.
Or shell stop the examination and take away my finger skateboard.

My wife and I decided we dont want to have kids so I went and got a vasectomy.
But when I got home they were still there

Where do gay coffee beans go to find an online hookup?
grinder

Some bloke in the Middle east has started a company that converts landmines into ptayer mats...
prophet are going through the roof.

Someone broke into our house last night and stole a dozen eggs.
They also left a pan of boiling water on the stove.

Police believe it was poachers.

My friend tony told me not to say his name backwards
I said "y not?"

I don't know what Finland has to do with my browser
From time to time I get the message 'Finish update'

My wife asked me if Id seen the dog bowl
I didnt know it did

I once had a teacher who either would teach, or he would not.
He was full of taughtologies.

What did the monkey say after his chicken got stolen?
Macaque!

A farmer has successfully grown a field of vibrators.
Unfortunately, he now has a problem with squatters.

My old roommate Joe
I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped, and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now I don't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let's say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.

Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those big cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend.

Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together, leaving me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.

In conclusion, if it hadn't been for Joe with his cotton eye, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

Did you hear about the new Broadway play with podiatry and orthopedics?
It won a Toeknee

I almost made a post here about margarine
But then I realized I could do butter

Ive been trying to come up with a jokes about unemployment
But none of them are working.

I was looking forward to watching the World Origami Championship
Apparently, its only on Paper View

What do you call a woman made of bread
A baguette

Cars.
I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars.
But I just learned they won't support windows.

I could never be vegan.
For me, it'd be a huge "missed steak."

I like to fornicate expensive words into my sentences
Even if I don't know what they mean