What do The White House and skinny jeans have in common?
No ball room.

So, the worlds greatest piano tuner was a Scandinavian hermit named Opper Nocketty. One day Elton John hired him to tune his personal piano, the results were spectacular. Elton said hed never sounded better. Unfortunately the movers bumped it and it was out of tune again.
Elton personally called Mr Nocketty and asks him to re-tune his piano.
He said Im sorry but Opper Nocketty tunes but once

The megalophobia subreddit is getting more and more followers each day.
If it gets too big, Ill have to leave.

I was doing well while taking and engineering exam until I reached a question about tensile strength about a bridge. The multiple choice answers did not match my answer and I wrote on the answer sheet that I could not calculate because the span of the bridge was not included.
After the test, I told the professor that I did not see the span in the description of the question and I needed that to get the right answer.

He responded, "Noooooo one expects the span is in the question!"

My boss asked me to explain the complex findings as though I were talking to a child.
I looked at him and said, "Everything's fine Timmy. The grownups are handling it. Go back to bed."

At our family reunion picnic, I told my wife it wouldnt be the same without Grandpa. He passed away this year, and for decades he was the one keeping the flies away from the food. Now that responsibility falls to me.
She squeezed my hand and said, I know, babe. Youve got big shoos to fill.

When I found out my toaster wasnt waterproof
I was shocked.

I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night.
I should have cooked it at aloha temperature.

I just learned that watermelons have big weddings
because they cantaloupe

This happened today regarding my new fishtank
My 15 year old son said: "you should get an Axolotl"

​

I told him: "no, they drive me crazy"

​

Why?

​

I said: "they axolotl questions"

​

He smirked and walked away, head shaking.

Back when Bill Clinton was president, I was offered the chance to meet him and the VP. All I had to do was go outside the house but I just couldnt bring myself to do it, the idea was terrifying!
​That was when I realized that I had Algoreaphobia.​

Dogs
It's been suggested that dogs bark up to 350 times a day
Of course, that's just a ruff estimate.

Did you hear about the failed farmer who became a rap artist?
He had some sick beets.

How do you make holy guacamole?
You get some avocados and season the hell out them!

Its a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar but a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house.
The difference is staggering.

John was unable to choose between two girls...
So he asked his friend Gary for help deciding which girl to be with.

John: I'm devoted to Kate but Edith is my dream girl, she's all I've ever wanted.

Gary: Then you should be with Edith.

John: But I love Kate and could never leave her...

Gary: Then you should stay with Kate.

John: But I also want to be with Edith, I can't miss this opportunity!

Gary: You can't have your Kate and Edith too.

What city makes the best bullets?
Ammorillo

Is there really no one around here tracking precipitation?
Somebody needs to take the rains.

How do you loose 10 Pounds eating a piece of cake?
You just have to get your cake in central London.

I once wrote a song about a tortilla!
but it's more of a wrap!

It's ridiculous that men wear jackets to formal occasions while women can go sleeveless
I thought the constitution gave men the right to bare arms.

What do you call a man in the water with no arms and no legs?
Bob.

My wife bought a toilet brush...
But i think we all prefer paper