A man arrives home and says to his wife: "What would you do if I told you I had a winning lottery ticket?"
She replies, "Honestly? I would take my half and leave you."

"Great!" says the man, and hands her $10. "Here's your half. Now pack your bags."

How many ship wrecks are on the bottom of the sea?
All of them.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender: says: "Hey!"
Horse: "Yes, please!"

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night
The waiter came over and they gave their drink order.

'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy. 'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy. 'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy. 'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy. 'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy. 'the chocolate cheesecake, with whipped cream, please', said the second piggy. 'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.

'Pardon my curiosity,' said the waiter to the third little piggy, 'But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'

The third piggy says -

'Well, SOMEBODY has to go "Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"

My wife and I are renovating our kitchen. She went on and on about why we must use marble for the island. Its timeless, it adds value, and every slab is unique. I said, Well, I say granite is better because it looks pretty cool. She goes, Pretty cool? Thats all you have to say about it?
I stood there in silence, not knowing what else to say because that was my best counterargument.

I finally found out why Uranus sounds so weird.
It's the only planet in our solar system NOT named after a Roman God.

My good friend Doreen was standing by herself in the corner, looking pretty glum
So I walked over and asked "Whassa matter, Dor?"

She shook her head slowly and said, "It's a guy that fights bulls. But I'm too upset to talk about that now."

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

My wife said, You never listen to a word I say!
I thought thats a strange way to start a conversation.

A man was convicted of stealing $100,000 worth of medication meant to deal with premature ejaculation but received only 3 years of probation.
Sounds to me like he got off too easy.

I have a German friend who is a sound engineer.
And a Czech one too, and a Czech one too.

I told my wife she's actually Ironman.
I told my wife she's actually Ironman.

It's because she's Fe Male.

I got a good laugh from this one.

Never, ever let your dog run free on a crowded beach...
If your dog's name is "Shark."

I told my kids I used to be a banker. THey said, "But Dad, you lost your job."
I said, yeah I lost interesth

Parallel lines have so much in common.
It's a shame they will never meet.

My wife yelled at me to take the spider out.
We went out for beers. Nice guy. He's a web developer.

I hired a kid to paint my porch.
When he came back to get paid, he said, "By the way, that was a BMW, not a Porsche."

How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Trump says its fixed, and they all stand around clapping in the dark.

The Existential Joke
A horse gets free and wanders into a bar. The bartender jokingly says, "Why the long face?"

The horse, being a horse, takes a huge crap in front of the bar. At the end of the bar, a man the bartender had stopped serving for being too intoxicated starts laughing hysterically because the bartender that cut him off will have to clean it.

The bartender looks at him and is about to say, "I don't think that's funny," but all he gets out is, "I don't think..." and he vanishes.

In a dark corner of the bar, Rene Descartes says, "I warned him." I would have mentioned he was there right from the start, but I was always taught to never put Descartes before de horse...

A dad at the nursery suggested my newborn son might marry his newborn daughter someday...
Yeah right, like my son is going to date someone twice his age.

Dustin Hoffman was considered for the Willy Wonka remake. He may not have gotten that candy maker part, but he once played
a Tootsie role.

Did you hear about the pair of grapes who started a foundation after leaving their kids in a hot car?
Its Raisin Awareness

A guy in a leather jacket told me if I gave him a hundred bucks, after six weeks he would pay me $500
Turned out to be a Fonzi scheme.

Ate my last piece of cheese last night, and today, it's raining.
Ain't no sunshine when cheese gone

Why did the steam engine go to therapy?
Because it was under too much pressure!