I was drinking a margarita and the waitress yelled does anyone know CPR?
I said I know the entire alphabet. We all laughed and laughed well except one guy.

Which religion do seismologists follow?
Theyre Quakers

Went to the doctor who diagnosed me with having a phobia of getting married. She asked me if I knew the symptoms...
... I can't say I do.

I accidentally bought and brought home decaf coffee beans.
My wife said they were grounds for divorce.

A demolition man was tasked to take down an odd looking building
It was a ridiculous eye-sore, built with all kinds of materials and no roof above.

On the first day, he goes over to the northern wall made entirely of cardboard. With a few easy swings of his sledgehammer, he brings it down. He returns home, without breaking a sweat.

On the next day, he goes to the eastern wall which is made entirely of thin sheets of metal. It takes him a while to knock it down. Just mildly exhausted, he goes home satisfied.

On the third day, he goes to the wall on the west, built with slats of solid wood. It was no easy task, although after a day of hard labour, he tears it down and goes home very exhausted.

On the fourth day, still exhausted from the previous days work, he finally goes over to the southern wall6 inches thick, and made of reinforced concrete. It did not give in easily. After hours of constant striking, a small part broke off.

With not an ounce of strength left, he looks up at the sky and asks, Is this some kind of a joke? I quit! and throws his hammer and proceeds to walk away.

At which point a voice steps in - Whoa! You can't do that. That wasnt in the

Hell yeah, I can, he turns and snaps at the voice. I just broke the fourth wall.

I had a terrifying experience last night. I was alone in the house, having a bath when all of a sudden,
I felt a tap on my shoulder.

German scientists create new solid state sodium ion battery. One scientist shocked.
The charge timing is pending.

The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him.
The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

All toilets in NYC were stolen.
The police have nothing to go on.

What do you call a Roman with cold?
Julius Sneezer

An Italian chef died today
He pasta way

I went to the beach the other day and I heard a man screaming help, shark! Help!
I chuckled to myself and shook my head because I knew the shark was never going to help him.

I told my wife I wanted to live forever.
She said, Not with those jokes.

Why couldn't the pony sing karaoke?
She was a little horse

My friend and I were in a waiting room and he asked me to pass him a pamphlet
I was like bro, chure.

Some people say dad jokes are cheesy
I think they are pretty grate

I was going to post a joke here about a broken air freshener
but it wouldn't make any scents

What happens when someone slaps u at high frequency?
It hertz

I don't like going out for Dim Sum...
It's always so hard to see what the bill will add up to

Dad, What's a forklift?
Food, usually.

There are two types of people
Those that can let things slide

What do you call Muhammad Ali on Taco Tuesday?
Gaseous Clay

I used to have a soap addiction
but now Im clean

How close was Napoleon to Josephine?
Just a Bonaparte.

There has been a crimewave, people are stealing flowers and cooking them. I have to ask you to help
Only you can prevent florist friers