I'm looking to sell my Delorean.
Good shape, low mileage...

Only driven from time to time.

Why isn't holy water used in vaccines?
You can't take the Lord's name in vein.

Why don't cows talk to each other?
Cause there's always beef between them.

What do you call karate for amputees?
Partial arts
(unsure if it is a repost but found it quite funny)

My kid said, Dad, I think I want to be a translator.
I put my hand on their shoulder and said, Look, Ill always support you whether you choose to be a trans now or a trans later.

My kid was really upset after spelling "apocalypse" wrong in the spelling bee
I said "relax, it's not the end of the world."

A man proposed to his girlfriend on a roller coaster but she said "No".
Everything was going too fast and there were too many ups and downs for her.

I've been trying to write a joke about spices.
I just can't get the thyming right.

Which type of music does Sysiphus dislike the most?
Rock and Roll.

I thought Dollywood was fake.
That it was Pigeon Forgery.

I make dad jokes but I have no kids.
I'm a faux pa.

I dated a tennis player.
But it turned out, that love means nothing to them.

I crossed a four leaf clover with poison ivy and got a rash of good luck.
I was just itching to tell someone.

My wife doesnt mind doing most of the housework but she doesnt do floors.
She thinks thats beneath her.

When the wife told me La Paz was a capital city...
... I said "I dont Bolivia!".

What do you call a belt made of watches?
A waist of time!!!

My wife said she tried flirting, bribing, and even flashing the cop to get out of a speeding ticket.
I said, Well, you tried your breast.

I work in a bar, and I always give a free golf ball with every beer.
They call me the partender.

Three moles are in a tunnel.
The first says, "I smell sugar."

The second says, "I smell honey."

The third says, "I smell molasses."

A horse walked into a bar and the bartender looked up and said, "Hey!"
The horse said, "Neigh, my good man, I already ate. I'll just have a beer."

I wasnt even planning to attend the 1999 climate-change rave, but once I heard those drums
The Al Gore rhythm brought me here

That car seems nice
but the muffler looks exhausted

You know of the four horsemen of the apocalypse
You know, Death, Famine, Pestilence, and War.

But have you heard of Flea, Tick, Mite, and Chap, the four horsemen of the Alpaca-lips?

Just saw Madonna leaving a fabric store with an armful of fabric!
Well, well! Her song DOES prove true!

What do you call two dinosaurs involved in a car accident?
T-wrecks!