Magician.There was a Mexican magician. He said hell disappear on the count of three. He said uno, dos, *poof* he disappeared without a tres.
Why did Cinderella get kicked off the baseball team?
She ran away from the ball
The teacher asked a kid why he wasn't paying attention in class. "I bet you can't even name 2 types of water bodies!"
He replied, "Well, dam."
My grandmother is over eighty and she still doesn't need glasses.
She drinks right out of the bottle.
Why does Sherlock Holmes always get a tax refund?
Hes a master of deduction!
An Irishman went into a department store and asked the sales assistant:Do you sell potato clocks?
Im sorry, sir, she replied, Ive never heard of such a thing. We sell digital clocks, alarm clocks, carriage clocks, cuckoo clocks and even grandfather clocks, but what exactly is a potato clock?
I dont know either, replied the Irishman,
but I start my new job at nine tomorrow, and my wife said to me:
Youd better get a potato clock.
f(x) walks into a bar
The bartender said: Sorry, we don't cater for functions."
Im so sick of my new phone. Autocorrect keeps changing Surely to Shirley
Must be stuck in Airplane Mode
The symphony performance was cancelled...
...very disconcerting
I had this patient whose wife tried to cut off his penis and missed cutting his thigh instead.
She was still charged, with a missed-a-wiener.
Husband: Guests are coming tonight. What's for dinner?Wife:I am not well today, so there's only green beans.
Husband:No worry. I have an idea. When the guests arrives you'll welcome them and I'll go to the kitchen and drop one utensil and then you'll say "what happen" . Then I'll say "oh no!! I dropped the chicken " . I couple of seconds later I'll drop another utensil and say "I dropped the spaghetti. Now we're only left with green beans."
(Guest arrives)
Wife: Welcome. Please make yourself comfortable.
(loud sound comes from the kitchen)
Wife: Everything alright, honey?
Husband: Damn it. I dropped the beans.
Dad Joke "Book Titles"Growing up, I remember my Dad had a bunch of fake books and authors that were the height of Dad jokes...
I'm positive this is an actual "genre" of Dad joke and others out there must have more to add, so I'll start with my 2 favorites that I remember and let's see if we can create a whole Dad Joke Library...
"The Yellow River" by I.P. Freely
"The Tiger's Revenge" by Claude Balls
Breaking news: Ikea charged with tax evasion...
But the IRS can't build a good case
I tried origami for a while, but I stopped.
It was too much paperwork.
Shout out to my grandma
Because that's the only way she can hear
What can be done for a person who is becoming invisible?
Put him in the ICU
What did the vegan say to the other vegan when they broke up?
I carrot be with you any more, lettuce just be friends.
Where does an Elephant go to treat skin conditions?
The Pachydermatologist
Oh, no! Our neighbor died!Who, Ray?
Honey, it's not the appropriate time to cheer.
Why did the magician become a baker?
Because he was so good at making things roll disappear.
Just heard the farmer up the road is selling geese....
Think I will pop down for a gander.
There was an arson attack at a Billy Joel concert. The police interrogated everyone there but they all said the same thing,...
We didn't start the fire
I asked my wife if she wanted to role play as a CPA for tax day
She said she wasnt intuit
My daughter asked if I'd trade her for $1,000,000.
I'm really going to miss her.
My waiter asked me how I like my steakSo I told him I like my steak like me winning a argument with my wife
So the waiter said "rare it is"