Never ask your wife where she wants to eat. Ask her, "Guess where I'm taking you!?"
And whatever she says is where you go.

Follow me for more marriage and relationship advice.'

Every day I announce to my family I'm going for a jog, then proceed to stay at home
It's my running joke.

I decided not to date a girl because she was a communist.
There were just too many red flags.

I am friends with a sniper who is a self-professed Communist
Hes a very skilled marxman

I bought Spiderman pyjamas the other day
I hope he likes them

What do you call a moth laying eggs?
A moth-er

Proud of this one while in the kitchen.
Did one on the spot today.

Wifey and I were doing some baking given its a rainy Sunday. She was looking in every drawer for our whisk.

She looked at me accusingly Why did you move the whisk?

I replied: I would never do that. Its too whisky. Followed by the goofy smile and the finger guns.

I think that was legitimately the biggest eye roll Ive ever received. Success!

What is the probability of bread falling from the sky right now?
I don't know but it's probably naan-zero

Why can't a leopard hide?
Because he is always spotted.

A woman rejected me because i amputated my toes
She was lack toes intolerant

With my blonde hair and blue eyes, people always ask me if Im Dutch.
I always tell them, wooden shoe like to know.

All these bots making asses of themselves on this sub...
I blame their back end developers ...

I tried to board my flight with a pickaxe, shovel and hard hat. I couldnt even get through security.
No unaccompanied miners allowed.

I kept asking my Dad what LGBTQ stood for...
I never got a straight answer.

Hired to replace a water heater with the instant kind
It was a tankless job, but somebody had to do it.

Most people don't know that back in 1912, the Titanic sank carrying 12,000 jars of Hellmann's mayonnaise bound for Mexico...
The Mexican people, who were eagerly awaiting the shipment, were so heartbroken over the loss that they established a National Day of Mourning every May 5th to remember the disaster. It is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

Sex in a canoe is like American beer
its fucking close to water.

What is the opposite of cheese?
Antivolone.

What do you call a horse thats run away from home?
Unstable

I got fired from the orange juice factory.
I couldnt concentrate.

What do you call a medical clinic for snakes?
An Aspital

An exquisite complaint never gets old
It ages like fine whine

I took a job as a personal trainer.
The weights were too heavy, so I gave my too weak notice.

I once had a goal of being a plumber
It turned out to be a pipe dream

I just got the new Oral-b state-of-the-art device for my teeth but Im not sure how it works
The box says its brushless?!?