A German man walks into a McDonald's in the United States...After waiting in line, he finally gets to the counter, and he orders a pint of beer, because you can get beer at McDonalds in Germany.
An American customer overhears the man's order, and he approaches the German man and says, "How could you be so stupid? You cannot order beer here," while laughing at the German man right to his face.
The German man thinks for a second, and then he starts laughing uncontrollably.
Not just any laugh.
This is a laugh so intense that he is struggling not to fall over.
The American customer is no longer laughing.
He now has a puzzled look on his face.
He asks the German man, "What's so funny?"
The German man says, "I just realised that you came here for the food."
A woman was on trial for bashing her husband over he head with his guitars. First offender?asked the judge.
No, she relied. First a Gibson, then a Fender.
Please stick to dad jokesModerators? So many of the jokes here are absolutely not in line with the intent of the sub. why? If you have a really good joke you need to share, there is
r/jokes and others. If it is one you could not tell a 8 year old it does not belong here! I will take pleasure in reading it elsewhere.
Today my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach.
"That's not gonna work" she said. "It sure does" I said, " It's the only way I can see the numbers"
My first job was unboxing and labeling spices.
It was just a seasonal job.
I have a terrible phobia of elevators.
I'm taking steps to avoid them.
I ate a kids meal at McDonalds today.
His Mom was Furious!
[NSFW] What did the leper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip.
Why do rocks make horrible musicians?
Because they're too stoned.
My wife is threatening to leave me for never putting the toilet seat down
To be honest, Im getting a little tired of carrying it around.
I went bald about a year ago but I still carry my comb around
I just cant seem to part with it.
The worst thing about being a fish owner is having to clean their feces from the bowl.
Those little Bassturds.
My car has a huge screen that displays the weather...
Its called, the windshield.
My friend never stops talking about how much they love cheese
It really grates on me
A panda walks into a barA panda walks into a bar...
The bartender asks, "Would you like anything to drink?"
The panda replies, "No thanks, I'm only here to eat."
"So what would you like to eat?"
"I'll just take the fries."
The bartender serves the panda, who enjoys the meal. He asks, "Now, will your payment be cash or card?"
The panda calmly replies, "Oh, just a card."
After paying, the panda gets up and takes out a pistol. He fires a few shots in the direction of a few men, killing some in the process.
The bartender, horrified, shouts, "What the hell was that for? You just killed 4 men!"
The panda says, "I'm a panda, man. Look it up."
The panda then abruptly exits the bar.
The bartender, confused, looks up "Panda" on Google.
The description said:
The giant panda is a bear species endemic to China. It is characterised by its bold black-and-white coat and rotund body. Eats shoots and leaves.
Just thought of this one, original as far as I know....A mother takes her son to the doctor. She says to the doctor
"I'm a bit worried about my son. He's really, really cold. And he seems to be a bit neuro diverse"
The doctor looks at the boy and says
"Ah, yep. Your son has Iceberger's"
I got in a fight and won by kicking him in his mouth.
He tasted da feet.
Why did the turkey cross the road twice?
To show that he wasnt chicken.
My friend told me the clothes Im wearing look gay
I said yeah, they just came out of the closet this morning
My grandfather was able to see Mt Rushmore before it was carved...
he said it was unpresidented
Dad: Someone among us is an owl. Me: Who?
Dad: *Narrows eyes suspiciously*
The sales guy kept pushing, though Id already said No, many times. So I shouted, Non! Nyet! Nein!
But he wouldnt take No foreign answer.
A tiger went to a doctor for back pain.The doctor touched the tiger's back and asked "Is this the spot?"
The tiger said "No, that's a stripe."
I went to the shop to buy camouflage trousers
but I couldn't find any
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.Doctor: Okay, Mrs. O'Hara, whats the problem?
Mom: Its my daughter, Bernadette. She keeps getting these crazy food cravings, shes putting on weight, and most mornings shes sick.
The doctor gives Bernadette a thorough exam, then turns to the mother and says,
Well, I dont know how to tell you this, but your Bernadette is pregnant. About four months would be my estimate.
Mom: Pregnant?! She cant be! Shes never even been left alone with a man! Have you, Bernadette?
Bernadette: No, Mother! Ive never even kissed a man!
The doctor walks over to the window and stares out. About five minutes pass.
Mom: Is something wrong out there, doctor?
Doctor: No, not at all its just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East, and some wise men came over the hill. Ill be damned if Im going to miss it this time!