Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.

I asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anesthesia.
He said, "Sure, knock yourself out."

Which Disney princess likes dad jokes the most?
RaPUNzel

Police stop
Cop stop: "You drinking?"

Me: "You buying?"

Cop: "Lets start over...do you have a police record?"

Me: "Well, I really like Roxanne!"

If you lose your khakis in Ohio, it means you can't find your pants.
But if you lose your khakis in Boston, it means you can't start your car.

my neighbour can't afford his water bill
I sent him a get well soon card

Three professors are sitting at a train station, so deep in a heated academic discussion that they don't notice their train has arrived.
They continue debating until the conductor blows the whistle and the train begins to pull away.

Suddenly realizing their mistake, they scramble toward the platform. Two of them manage to sprint and leap onto the back of the moving train, but the third professor trips and is left standing on the platform, gasping for breath.

A bystander walks up to him and says, "Hey, don't feel too bad! Two out of three of you made it! Thats a pretty good success rate for academics."

The professor looks at the bystander with a look of pure distress and says, "You don't understand... those two were just here to see me off!"

Sausages shouldnt have a Best By date.
They should have a Wurst By date.

I got fired from my job the other day because I kept asking the customers whether they prefer "Smoking" or "Non-smoking."
Apparently, the correct terms were "Cremation" or "Burial."

Theres been considerable debate about whether you can or cant hurry love.
The case will soon be heard by The Supremes Court.

I went to the hospital the other day and parked in a disabled bay.
A traffic warden stopped me and said "That's for badge holders only". I told him "I have a bad shoulder!".

I don't believe there are any numbers higher than 79.
I'm an eightyist.

Next time you get a call from an unknown number, answer it by whispering...:
"It's done, but there's blood everywhere."

I told my wife she was drawing in her eyebrows too high
She looked surprised

How many bones are in a human hand?
A handful.

Do you know what happens when you eat too many edibles?
You get a pot belly

My dad used to tell me that you cant save anyone; they have to save themselves
Great man. Terrible lifeguard.

Someone keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off...
I think I'm being stalked.

The job interview
A gentleman with a nervous eye twitch applies for a job as a sales rep at a big American company.

The hiring manager studies his rsum and looks impressed.

James, this is outstanding.

Top schools, glowing references, years of experience.

Normally, wed hire you on the spot.

But this job is very public-facing, and that constant winking might make customers uncomfortable.

Im sorry we just cant take the risk.

Hold on, James says.

If I take a couple of aspirin, it stops right away.

Really?

Alright, lets see it.

James reaches into his blazer pocket and starts pulling things out.

First one box of condoms then another then another in every color you can imagine.

Ribbed, flavored, glow-in-the-dark the whole drugstore aisle.

Finally, at the very bottom, he finds a small packet of aspirin.

He swallows two tablets, waits a moment

And just like that, the winking stops.

The manager folds his arms and frowns.

Well, thats impressive, but we run a respectable company here.

We cant have one of our salesmen chasing women across the country.

Chasing women? James says.

Ive been happily married for thirty-five years!

Then how do you explain all those condoms?

James sighs.

Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?

Furniture store keeps calling me back. . .
Told them I only wanted one night stand.

One time, my wife told me to take out a spider that frightened her.
So I took him out for drinks... Nice guy, he's a web designer.

I just slipped on the floor of our local library
I was in the non friction section

Its hard for me to put on a baseball glove without it getting sensual
Its just such a into mitt experience

Here I am, waiting forever for these black birds to stop blocking traffic
I've had it with these construction crows!

My wife went to the spa today and got a bikini wax
She told me it made her feel like a million bucks.

I said she looked like a Brazilian.

(I had to explain this joke to my wife ...and she is Brazilian)