I saw a Korean martial artist holding out a basket of donuts. When I asked to take 2, he said no.
I replied can I at least Taekwondo?

A man was caught stealing viagra.
Police say hes facing hard time.

I used to date a guy from Tunisia who lived in Morocco and studied Chinese but my dad made me break it off
He said there were too many red flags

My buddy's daughter dadjoked him. They were having breakfast,
...his daughter said: "dad you snore a lot, you know there's an app for that right?" him: "oh really? what's it called?" her: "app-nea".

A kid just finished writing a paper for class.
He typed the title: 1000 Ways To Cure An Itch to finish it off.

Just as he was about to hit save the screen went black.

He did all he could to get the computer back on so he could save his work.

After a few minutes the boys dad walked in and said, The power went out.

What do you mean the power went out? the boy asked.

The father responded sarcastically, No juice.

I just finished my paper for class and I didnt get to save it! exclaimed the boy.

Which paper? asked his dad.

1000 Ways to Cure an Itch, the boy replied with

a frown.

His father smothered a laugh and said, Well, I guess youll have to start again from scratch.

My dad was always a "If you got up there on your own, you can get down on your own" sort of man. Fantastic father.
Terrible air traffic controller.

Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind it's tearable.

Why do wealthy people buy racehorses?
Because theyre a stable investment.

There's a new car made in Switzerland
It won't shift out of neutral.

What do you call two earthworms who are in love?
Soilmates

Hit a bird with my car left a small dent
Body shop guy say "looks like mynah damage"

Frogs are notoriously cautious about parking regulations
They dont want to get toad

My doctor said I was going deaf,
That was very difficult for me to hear.

What do you call a can opener that's broken?
A Can't opener.

What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.

A job interviewer asked if I had experience with Microsoft Office
Not only have I used it, I Exceled

Did you see what NASAs new slogan is going to be now that their budget has been cut?
NASA - the skys the limit!

What happened to the girl who ate bullets?
Her hair grew out in bangs

I am starting a charity to teach short people math.
It's called making the little things count.

I was brought in for questioning after being accused of stealing things from peoples yards.
The detective told me not to take a fence.

What's the opposite of a gorilla?
A STOPrilla!

Why did the banana go to the doctor?
He wasn't peeling well

When is the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurty

Don't try to make a belt out of herbs.
It's a waist of thyme.

My wife took 4 separate pregnancy tests and they all came back positive....
.... How am I supposed to provide for 4 kids!!!!