They say that having fish tanks can help soothe mental and physical pain.it's probably because of all the indoor fins.
(I'm nowhere near as sorry as I should be! )
Going to Milk it a LittleWife asked if I could pick up a gallon of milk, I told her of course I could, it only weighs maybe 8 lbs.
She then corrected herself and said "no, from the store." So I got confused and asked "why would it be any heavier at the store?"
My dog gets bit by ducks at the park
I should know better than to take him there because he's pure bread
When does a regular joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
Why do we only ever hear about the Babylonians?
I'd also like to know what the Adultlonians were up to!
What did Harry Potter say when he filled up his gas tank?
Expensive Petroleum
I was trying to put a new hole in my leather belt, but i wasn't able to,
despite giving it my awl :(
Fitness trainer: What kind of squats are you used to doing?dad
Me: Diddly
What do you call a very curious aquatic salamander?
An askalotl
Why should you say break a leg to wish someone luck when theyre auditioning for a play?
Because you want them to end up in the cast.
How do you make a water bed bouncy ?
Use spring water.
I refuse to see any doctor named William.
Im not looking to deal with medical Bills.
I have a friend who thinks I'm very vain
She even wrote a song about me, I think
More than half of pirates is
avast majority.
I'll never forget what my grandad said to me before he croaked.
He said "hey kid, wanna hear my frog impression?"
I have a joke about a ceiling
but its probably over your head
I got my car towed today...
Nothing wrong with it. it's just cheaper than putting fuel in.
My coworker asked "is this paper up to date?"
I grabbed it from him and said it was already taken
Did you know you can tell the sex of an ant by putting it in water?
If it sinks its girl ant. If it floats its boy ant.
I just got hired at a parsley farm.
Its pretty easy work but the downside is that they started garnishing my wages.
What do you call a Chinese amputee
TaiWanShu
Why was the history book so noisy?
It was full of pages from the past.
I entered a lottery to win an entire shopping center, but I failed.
I guess you can't win a mall.
The funeral home interred my father in the wrong burial plot.
I said it was a grave mistake.