Why can't Mickey Mouse fly to Scotland?
His plane disneyland

I ran into a lady at a Vegan restaurant who said she knew me
But I never met herbivore

A snail walks into a bar with a girl on his back.
The bartender asks: What are you?

Snail: I'm a snail.

Bartender asks: Who's that on your back?

Snail: Michelle.

Why is the word dark spelled with a K instead of a C?
Because you can't C in the dark.

I felt very naughty making my pickle flavored bread.
I was squishing my dil-dough all over the table.

SpaceX has decided what to name their first colony on Mars
Muskow

My dog frequently helps me out when I forget things. This morning while I was in my car he came sprinting down the driveway. I asked what is it today boy?
Dog: *pants*

I've decided I'm going voluntarily mute.
I'm not telling anyone.

I once dated a girl named Demi...
But no More.

What's your opinion of people made entirely out of footlong sandwiches?
I think they're subhuman

I hear editors hate having to quote texts with errors.
One was heard saying "I'm sic of it all!"

I hooked up with an electrician last night. The chemistry was shocking,,,
,,,but she definitely knew how to flip my switch.

What do you call sixty minutes of pain?
An oww-ur

Can we all give a shout out to the sidewalks?
They kept us off the streets

My friend denies there's a big northern territory in Canada with a lot of ice and islands...
...but I'm having Nunavut.

I took my ghost buddy to the movie!
Apparently, he didn't like it, he BOO'd the entire time.

How do you pick up a one legged hitchhiker?
You tell him to hop in

What room will you never find in a zombie's house?
The living room.

I met a road worker tonight who was smoking weed.
After a good chat and even cliquing, she asked me out. I had to turn her down gently, I'm not into high maintenance women.

HAPPY INTERNATIONAL CAPS LOCK DAY!
Sorry, didn't mean to yell

What got the SeaWorld trainer out of bed in the morning?
Doing everything with a porpoise.

Whats the difference between a pun and a fart?
A pun is a shift of wit

The workers down the coal pits rarely have major problems...
...it's normally just miner issues.

Went to the doctor with a suspicious looking mole
He said they all look that way and I should have left him in the garden.