How do you lure a pervert? (NSFW)
Just add the NSFW tag.

What do you call a person who only goes on dates with prostitutes?
A buy-sexual.

Guy next door stopped by and said, So I heard you and your family had an amaing time seeing the ebras at the oo.
After he left my wife asked, Who was that?

I said, Just our No-Z neighbor.

What kind of trousers does a ghost hunter wear?
Just a paranormal jeans.

My wife said she wanted to do something spontaneous tonight
So I changed the Wi-Fi password and watched the family improvise.

When the moon hits your knees and you mispronounce trees
Sycamore

I just watched a pirated movie.....
On a scale of 1-10, I'd have to give it 3.14159!

Where do trout keep their money?
In the river bank.

My date at dinner last night said, You know, for a man, the backs of your hands are absolutely gorgeous.
I said, Thanks, but Im not really into backhanded compliments.

How does a hamburger introduce his girlfriend?
Meet Patty

Getting a history degree is not a good idea
Theres no future in it at all

Did you hear about the guy that fell in the upholstery machine?
He is totally recovered now

Wanna hear a paper joke?
Nevermind, it's tearable.

This morning I was passed on the highway by a pickup truck pulling a trailer full of donkeys.
Dude was hauling ass.

Did you hear about the vase that got knighted?
They call him, Sir Ramic.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh

I told my dad I was cold.
He said, Go stand in the corner. Its 90 degrees there.

My friend claims he can build a gun using his new 3D printer, but Im not impressed, because...
Ive had a Canon printer for years.

Am atheist in the woods
An atheist was walking through the woods admiring the nature around him. What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals, he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look, and suddenly saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him!

He ran up the path as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was gaining on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and now the bear was even closer.

In his haste, the man tripped on a root and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the atheist cried out, Oh my God!

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

You deny my existence for all these years, teach others that I dont exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?

The atheist looked directly into the light and said, It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?

Very well, said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.

And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke, Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.

What does Batman use to cool down in the summer?
Just ice.

If I could just say a few words
I would be a better public speaker.

My son asked what you call a cow that plays music
I said

Insecurity.
Whenever I get insecure around pretty women, I reach into my pocket and grab a tiny rock

It makes me feel a little boulder.

The monster rose towards the ship from the darkest depths of the abyss
It erupted to the surface, creating massive waves and a load roar.

Some of the sailors panicked, some froze, some ran for weapons.

The monster spoke " I see your fear but soon you will laughing!"

The crew paused in confusion, wondering what was next.

The monster began to laugh in an evil way and said " Soon, I will be Kraken you up!"

I have a platform where people pay to watch me drink soda, but never from a bottle.
Its called OnlyCans.