My son came home from school and said: Dad, I got a part in the school play, I play a man who's been married 30 years."
I replied: Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part."

When my daughter was 7 years-old she once interrupted a bedtime story to tell me, "In a pie-eating contest, it doesn't matter if you win or lose because
...you get to eat pie."

I think about that a lot.

Don't order hay for your horse off Amazon
After a couple of days they'll ask for your feed back.

I wanted to write an encouraging message on a Special Olympics promo video.
But comments were disabled.

I buy all my guns from a guy called T-Rex
He's a small arms dealer.

New York City is just a place of perpetual disappointment and irresponsbility.
They drop the ball every year.

I had a girlfriend in college who demanded to know how pretty she was on a scale from 1 to 10.
I said yur an eight. So she did.

I can always tell if someone is lying just by looking at them
Not only that but I can also tell if they're standing.

Somebody asked me if I knew a guy called Quasimodo.
I told them that name rings a bell.

What do you call a gaming console that was accidentally made?
Unintendo

Why do some couples go to the gym?
They want their relationship to work out.

I had a date last night. It was perfect.
Tomorrow, Ill have a banana.

When my daughter was a toddler...
I was doing the obvious good parent thing and training her to use a small toilet I had bought her.

Only for some reason, every time she saw it she burst into tears and was absolutely unconsolable.

The second time it happened I'm holding her, trying to comfort her and ask "What's wrong honey? Why are you crying?"

And in between sobs she chokes out, "It's.. it's my... it's my potty and I'll cry if I want to..."

Who is the greatest bodybuilder ever?
Frankenstein

Our local flasher Pervy Pete was considering retiring after 40 years
but has decided to stick it out for another year

Satan and Jesus in a cemetery.
On the outskirts of town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucket of nuts and sat down behind the tree, out of sight, and began dividing up the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. A couple of the pecans fell and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...."

He jumped back on his bike and sped off. Just around the bend, he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and Jesus are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!" The boy kept insisting so the old man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you were tellin' the truth." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anybody. At last, they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all of them. Let's go get those two by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man, using a cane, had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

Lions dont play golf...
Seems like tiger wood

A cop pulled over a car
As he approached he noticed a crow in the drivers seat. Then he saw another crow in the passenger seat. He immediately arrested both of them for . . .

Attempted Murder

I told my dad I was cold...
He told me to stand in the corner. Apparently, it's always 90 degrees there

What do you call it when you step on a lobster?
A crushed-acean.

What do you call a hippo who judges other hippos?
Hippo-critical.

What is Jaws' favorite meat and cheese plate?
A sharkuterie board!

I told my kids we have a cool internet connection.
Its pretty fly for a wifi

What does a hot dog use for protection?
Condoments.

What happens when someone slaps you at high frequency?
Megahertz