I got a handjob from a blind woman once. She told me, "This is the biggest dick I've ever come across"
I said, "No, you are just pulling my leg"

My neighbors wife is an undertaker. They have two vehicles
His and Hearse.

Mum took everything in the divorce. Well, everything but eggs, sugar, milk, flour and vanilla pods
That's why you're living with me, I got custardy.

Wives
I didnt realise until I got married that in the UK were allowed 16 wives. Because I definitely heard the priest say 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4 worse. That with my maths adds up up to 16. So Im now on the hunt for the other 15.

A sperm donor a carpenter and Julius Caesar walked into a bar
He came he saw he conquered

What do you call an ultra-wealthy trash panda?
A tycoon!

I wanted to write a joke about a watch I lost
But i couldnt find the time

Seven has an odd number of letters
Unless you remove one, then it's even.

I wanted to make a chemistry joke
But Na

My three year old granddaughter told me this
Where does a general keep his armies?

Up his sleevies.

Did you hear about the guy who had 5 penis?
His pants fit him like a glove.

A man is drinking in the pub for a whole day..
Once he's finished, he drops to the floor, crawls out the door, crawls to his house and crawls into bed.

When he wakes up in the morning, his wife, unimpressed, says to him, "You were in the pub all day, weren't you?"

The man replies, "How do you know?"

Wife replies, "You left your wheelchair there again".

A waiter dropped a platter and caused an international catastrophe:
The downfall of Turkey, the overthrow of Greece and the destruction of China.

My son, after ordering some batteries for his RC planes, says "why are these so expensive?"
Because they can charge a lot!

He laughed only because how quickly it came out. He was convinced I'd been sitting on that one a while. No, son. Sometimes the old brain still fires quickly.

Did you know a full moon is perfect for a werewolf to come out
I'm gay

My buddy informed me a tree fell down nearby, so I asked if everything was okay?
He said no it was more piney.

Went down to Argentina, it was cold...
...bordering on Chile.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has the name of the animal on the cage along with the recipe

What kind of sneakers do kidnappers wear?
White vans

Look, Im sorry your favorite Swedish car company went bankrupt.
But I dont need to hear another Saab story.

A little pony goes to the doctor because his throat hurts.
He says, Doctor, my throat feels terrible and my voice sounds really strange.
After examining him, the doctor smiles and says,
Dont worry youre not sick. Youre just a little hoarse.

There are Pop Tarts, so why aren't there Mom Tarts?
Because the pastryarchy runs the show.

The judge must know I havent fixed my sons electric drum kit
He keeps calling me a deadbeat dad

My job making holes in leather belts is a little tedious.
But it could be a lot worse, awl things considered.

Why did the schizophrenic dad buy his son a drum kit?
He didnt want to hear himself think