My 8-year-old daughter started crying on "Take Your Daughter to Work Day."
As my coworkers gathered around to check on her, she sobbed, "Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you work with?"

I saw my doctor today. Showed him the rash on my bum,
but he completely ignored me and kept scanning his groceries through the checkout...

When LoTR was filming in NZ, the crew had a lot of problems with the monks at a nearby monastery who kept showing up on set who would try to sell them some of the local wildflowers.
When LoTR was filming in NZ, the crew had a lot of problems with the monks at a nearby monastery who kept showing up on set who would try to sell them some of the local wildflowers. The local authorities did not want to get involved. So Peter Jackson brought in a bunch of sheep and let them loose to eat all the wildflowers. What was unusual was that only the female sheep would eat the flowers.

But I guess that proves the old saying: Only ewe can prevent florist friars.

Why does the pirate alphabet have 32 letters instead of 26?
Because it has the Seven Cs!

At a work conference icebreaker, we had to go around our table and share something wed been learning this year. On my turn I said, Ive been taking Braille classes, but I probably shouldnt even be bringing that up right now. After an awkward silence, someone finally asked, Why not?
I replied, Its kind of a touchy subject.

What breed of dog do magicians prefer?
Labracadabradors.

Just spent $100 on a belt that doesn't fit!
Huge waist.

Two guys are trying to get out of work
The first hangs from the ceiling yelling Im a light bulb

Boss comes in wow youve lost it. Take a day

The second man starts walking away

Woah where are you going?

The man replies What you expect me to work on the dark

My kids: Dad, youd be good at yoga.
Me: Thats a bit of a stretch.

E-bikes (didn't realize it until I was saying it)
My boy has been telling us for months about how he wants an E-bike or some other cool electric scooters. My wife and I were looking at websites. She says, "I don't know why these things cost so much!"

Without missing a beat, I said, "I think it's because they can charge it!"

Apparently, you can tell male and female.ants apart quite easily.... Just need to briefly put them in a little bit of water
If it sinks it means it's a girl ant...

If it floats...buoyant

Always say yes to a quick 30 minute drink with your buddy.
Those 90 minutes could be the best six hours of your life.

What do you call the butt of a chicken?
The Egg-xit

My parrot has died of obsesity.
To be honest, it's a weight off my shoulders.

I recently took up this new hobby where I eat a bunch of clocks and watches...
It is very time consuming.

Just think, whenever you park your car someone in an alternate reality is
Parallel parking!

My wife thinks I drive so she can be my "passenger princess".....
the truth is I drive because I value my life.

What do you call a lightbulb that's supposed to be put in the sky?
A skylight!

A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar
The bartender takes one look at them and says what is this some sort of joke?

Plumbers are the sneakiest people.
Theyre always snaking around.

I don't know why I don't like needles.
They just get under my skin.

I'm going to solve 1 + 2 + 3 + ... + 100.
I have a 5050 chance of getting it right.

I dated a girl with a lazy eye
... until I realized she was seeing someone on the side.

what is a Caveman's favorite music genre?
Hard Rock

What's a blacksmith's favorite music genre?

Heavy Metal

What's a president's favorite music genre?

Country

What's a roman emperor's favorite music genre?

Latin

What's a rabbit's favorite music genre?

Hip Hop

A Mexican magician says he will disappear on count of 3. He says uno, dos poof
He disappeared without a tres.