A teacher asks her class if they can use the word contagious in a sentence
A girl raises her hand and says, the flu is very contagious.

Very good, the teacher replies, and then asks if anyone else can.

A boy raises his hand and says, my neighbor was painting her house by herself, and my dad said it would take the contagious

I told my therapist that I'm afraid of letters...
She said, you are? And then I started screaming! She then said, oh I see and that's when I started screaming louder!

Wheres the worst place to hide in a hospital?
The I.C.U

Did you know when you are clinically dead you continue to be able to see for about two minutes?
Because your pupils dilate.

Whats the difference between light and hard?
Its easier to fall asleep with a light on

I struggle with Roman Numerals until I get to 159.
Then it just CLIX.

A man had a heart attack at a bookstore and died because medical teams couldn't reach him in time.
He went to a Borders without Doctors

Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book
Not only was it embarrassing but it cost a fortune in stamps.

A baby was born mid flight.
She was airborne.

What fruit can only be eaten two at a time?
Pears

A notorious arsonist died recently.
His mum paid tribute by saying, Wherever he went, he lit up a room.

What did one wall say to the other wall?
I'll meet you at the corner!

Did you know that the expression not a palindrome
Is not a palindrome?

When does a bad joke turn into a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.

yeah

Just found out that the great Steffi Graf has a sister...
Her name is Polly. I'm not lying.

A pet food company is hiring an artist to draw a sketch of a dog for an ad
They bring in all sorts of candidates, but all of them have something wrong with them. One candidate is clearly using AI, another artist draws dogs with cat ears, another guy only does quick sketches of Labradoodles on napkins, a fourth person can't draw at all, etc.

Eventually, the hiring committee is tired of interviewing and they ask their boss, "are any of these good enough?"

The boss reviews all the materials and shrugs, "I guess the Labradoodle doodle dude'll do"

Why do vegans never get into fights?
They don't like the beef.

How does a bald man run his fingers through his hair?
He cuts holes in his pockets

Why did the vacuum get thrown away?
Because it sucked

Did you hear about the Mexican railway engineers crazy reasons for committing crimes?
Everyones saying he had loco motives.

How do you become a conductor?
You train

I got a tattoo of a thermos on my arm.
Now I can tell my son, Dont touch the thermos tat!

What kind of bird always stick together?
VELCROWS

What happens when you cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy?
You have a rash of good luck (I was just itching to tell someone.)

Home run derby pitchers get a lot of criticism for using those protection nets
But they stand behind their decision.