Magician.
There was a Mexican magician. He said hell disappear on the count of three. He said uno, dos, *poof* he disappeared without a tres.

I just heard that Neil Diamond has just sold his car on ebay...
Its a sweet car online

The teacher asked a kid why he wasn't paying attention in class. "I bet you can't even name 2 types of water bodies!"
He replied, "Well, dam."

I told my GF that I have a half brother living near Sydney Harbour in Australia. Different dads?she asked.
I said no, shark attack.

I showed my Jamaican father my report card. He said, Do you worship the devil now, son?! Im like, What do you mean??
Because you got a D, mon!

Husband: Guests are coming tonight. What's for dinner?
Wife:I am not well today, so there's only green beans.

Husband:No worry. I have an idea. When the guests arrives you'll welcome them and I'll go to the kitchen and drop one utensil and then you'll say "what happen" . Then I'll say "oh no!! I dropped the chicken " . I couple of seconds later I'll drop another utensil and say "I dropped the spaghetti. Now we're only left with green beans."

(Guest arrives)

Wife: Welcome. Please make yourself comfortable.

(loud sound comes from the kitchen)

Wife: Everything alright, honey?

Husband: Damn it. I dropped the beans.

I was sleeping in my hotel when the phone rang at 6 AM. It was the front desk, and she told me i need to go apologize to my parents and repair our relationship before they die of old age, and I regret it forever.
It was a real wake up call.

My grandmother is over eighty and she still doesn't need glasses.
She drinks right out of the bottle.

Why did Cinderella get kicked off the baseball team?
She ran away from the ball

Bear claws are by far the tastiest pastry.
Theyre made from scratch.

Why does Sherlock Holmes always get a tax refund?
Hes a master of deduction!

Im so sick of my new phone. Autocorrect keeps changing Surely to Shirley
Must be stuck in Airplane Mode

f(x) walks into a bar
The bartender said: Sorry, we don't cater for functions."

An Irishman went into a department store and asked the sales assistant:
Do you sell potato clocks?

Im sorry, sir, she replied, Ive never heard of such a thing. We sell digital clocks, alarm clocks, carriage clocks, cuckoo clocks and even grandfather clocks, but what exactly is a potato clock?

I dont know either, replied the Irishman,

but I start my new job at nine tomorrow, and my wife said to me:

Youd better get a potato clock.

I keep asking what were doing in Iran.
I can never get a Strait answer.

Why did the pirate crash his ship?
His vision was patchy.

Breaking news: Ikea charged with tax evasion...
But the IRS can't build a good case

The symphony performance was cancelled...
...very disconcerting

I tried origami for a while, but I stopped.
It was too much paperwork.

I had this patient whose wife tried to cut off his penis and missed cutting his thigh instead.
She was still charged, with a missed-a-wiener.

Dad Joke "Book Titles"
Growing up, I remember my Dad had a bunch of fake books and authors that were the height of Dad jokes...

I'm positive this is an actual "genre" of Dad joke and others out there must have more to add, so I'll start with my 2 favorites that I remember and let's see if we can create a whole Dad Joke Library...

"The Yellow River" by I.P. Freely

"The Tiger's Revenge" by Claude Balls

There was an arson attack at a Billy Joel concert. The police interrogated everyone there but they all said the same thing,...
We didn't start the fire

Just heard the farmer up the road is selling geese....
Think I will pop down for a gander.

They say dont put all your eggs in one basket,but who are they?
Basket makers looking to ship more units.

My dad is a magician who saws people in half.
I have one half-brother and two half-sisters.