In England it's called a lift, but in America it's called an elevator.
I guess people are just raised differently.

I'm developing a game where you have to go back to assassinate Adam.
It's a first person shooter.

Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but no lighter
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the entire boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

Daughter and I were getting cookies last night
Shes concentrating really hard on picking the perfect pair of cookies for hers at the kiosk

me: Hey, I mustache you a question

her: (without looking) thats terrible, you dont even have a mustache.

me: I mustache you to look again

me: (holding a mustache sticker up to my face)

her: (cracks up, despite her best efforts) How long have you been hiding that sticker

me: Id rather not say, itll shave me some embarrassment

her: ... ok. that was actually pretty good

I asked my dad what a "sale" is
He explained the concept and then I said: "Thank you so much. It's means a great deal to me"

Ive been putting up posters for my neighbours missing dog.
In his cool new bedroom at my house.

What do you call a flying nun?
​

A bird,

a plane,

Superman.???

.

.

.

.

.

Nope

You call her none of the above

Edit: Nun*

I met Jim Varney's proctologist.
Good guy. Did his job in Ernest.

Do you know why the shopping place is called the mall?
Because instead of going to one store, you can go to them all.

Did you hear about the duck with the drug problem?
He was a quackhead.

Whats worse than raining cats & dogs?
Hailing taxis

My daughter begged, Dad, pleeease say something to make me laugh. I said, Mashed potatoes. Mac and cheese. Green bean casserole. Potato salad. She tilted her head and said, Hows that supposed to be funny?
I said, Sorry Im really trying all jokes a side.

Why did the magazine company go out of business?
They had too many issues.

William Tell
Everyone knows about William Tell, who was famous for his exceptional archery skills. But what people dont know is that William and his entire family were also exceptional bowlers. Unfortunately, most of the records from that time have been lost so no one knows for whom the Tells bowled.

What do you call a flying nun?
A bird? A plane?

Nope, Nun of the above!

My car payments are withdrawn from my checking account every month
I set it up for auto pay.

It's ok to buy a nun a drink occasionally
But just make sure you don't get into the habit

What do you call a bunny who was raised in a hotel?
An inn grown hare

Why do cows wear bells
Because their horns wont work

Why did 6 and 7 break up?
Because they make an unlucky pair

Ive read one page of Lord of the Rings, every day for more than ten years
..I just cant kick the hobbit

Never buy Calvin Klein boxer shorts.
He can get as many as he wants for free.

What do you call a cow that just had a calf ?
A moo-ther

I never get anything to drink when I go to parties.
Everyone else beats me to the punch.

I sure hope I never wind up in debt to a dentist
I might wind up in dentured servitude!