I knew a guy who got engaged five different times ...
that's a lot of near-Mrs.

I bought a dictionary online. When it arrived all the pages were completely blank.
I have no words

Its been three weeks since Dolly died
I am still suffering from post-Parton depression though

Never challenge Death to a pillow fight, unless
youre prepared to handle the reaper cushions.

I swallowed a bunch of synonyms today.
I got thesaurus throat Ive ever had.

I never told a joke about guns...
But I'll give it a shot.

Conjunctivitis.com
thats a site for sore eyes

Some thief is stealing wheels off police cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him

What's God's Favorite chord?
Gsus

I lost my temper at a Vietnamese restaurant, and they told me to never come back.
They banh mi pho life.

What did the house wear to the party
A Dress (address)

I quit the balloon store today...
The inflation was getting to be too much.

I dont have a Dad Bod
I have a Father Figure.

My kid has an unhealthy interest in really bad leaders from ancient history.
Im concerned he could be Nerotypical.

A young, healthy tree climbing marsupial from Sydney had been looking for work on nearby offshore oil rigs. He sent out many resumes but never got an interview.
The rejection letters all had a similar theme: Thanks for your interest but you don't have the right Koala-fications.

Why are pigs dressed in black never bullied?
Because Batman has sworn to protect Goth-ham!

The car thats least likely to hit a tree when driving through Colorado?
A Dodge Aspen.

what does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
a synonym roll

I make prosthetic limbs for children on my 3d printer
I guess you could say I'm a small arms dealer.

What's green...
and smells of bacon?

Kermit the Frog

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden
the plot thickens!

A sheep, a drum, and a snake walk into a bar
Ba Dum Tss

I am a bisexual with lesbian parents
So I guess you could say Im 50% Gay on my mothers side.

Saw my doctor about erectile dysfunction. He said, You could try Viagra, or if you want something stronger, Cialis.
I said, Hmm show me a picture of Alice first.