My wife asked "Why do you always walk in front of me?"
I said "Sorry?..., I don't follow you."

What do you call a calculator that does not procrastinate?
Calcusooner

I re-labeled all of the jars on my wifes spice rack.
She hasnt noticed yet, but the thyme is cumin.

My teacher told me to turn in my essay.
I told her I ain't no snitch.

Going to Milk it a Little
Wife asked if I could pick up a gallon of milk, I told her of course I could, it only weighs maybe 8 lbs.

She then corrected herself and said "no, from the store." So I got confused and asked "why would it be any heavier at the store?"

What is Pac man's favorite cooking utensil?
A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok

They say that having fish tanks can help soothe mental and physical pain.
it's probably because of all the indoor fins.

(I'm nowhere near as sorry as I should be! )

Did you know you can tell the sex of an ant by putting it in water?
If it sinks its girl ant. If it floats its boy ant.

Where do you find sleepy Vikings?
Snoreway!

Credit goes to my 7 year old

I am going to get a tattoo on my wrist that says "Terror".
Then I can say to people "Look, it's a terrorwrist!"

Due to a clerical error, my name is Name.
Id change it, but Im not one to name Names.

At the party last night, there was a girl wearing the same teeshirt as me.
It was a tight fit but we managed

My granddad sold abacuses for a living during the sixties...
He was part of the counter culture.

What do you call an Archbishop named Juan who also has a son named Juan?
Juansignor

Why is a calculator so easy to use?
Because they are counter inuitive!

Guys I just thought of this. is it any good? I don't think my wife got it. I think it's brilliant.

I told my wife I'm going to take us out to a nice restaurant this Halloweeen
Wife: which restaurant?

Me: no I think it's run by Vampires.

I have no problems with buying tampons, I am a fairly modern man.
But apparently theyre not a proper present.

Where do you find a straight line of horny cows?
Strait of hor-moos

They told me that if I wanted to meet someone new, I had to go where the women are, and they were right!
The strip club is great. I'm getting lots of attention and spending way less money than when I was dating.

Electricity.
My wife told our son not to play with electricity.

Now he's grounded.

My dog gets bit by ducks at the park
I should know better than to take him there because he's pure bread

Never give away good advice for free.
Except this one.

I was concerned when my friend bought a bird dressed as a clown.
I think hes had a funny tern.

What do you say to DJ Khalid when he acts in his autobiographical Broadway show?
Congratulations, you played yourself

What do you call Big Boi and Andr 3000 from OutKast with a bad injury?
InKast