I saw my doctor today. Showed him the rash on my bum,
but he completely ignored me and kept scanning his groceries through the checkout...

Apparently, you can tell male and female.ants apart quite easily.... Just need to briefly put them in a little bit of water
If it sinks it means it's a girl ant...

If it floats...buoyant

My parrot has died of obsesity.
To be honest, it's a weight off my shoulders.

At a work conference icebreaker, we had to go around our table and share something wed been learning this year. On my turn I said, Ive been taking Braille classes, but I probably shouldnt even be bringing that up right now. After an awkward silence, someone finally asked, Why not?
I replied, Its kind of a touchy subject.

I recently took up this new hobby where I eat a bunch of clocks and watches...
It is very time consuming.

I'm going to solve 1 + 2 + 3 + ... + 100.
I have a 5050 chance of getting it right.

I dated a girl with a lazy eye
... until I realized she was seeing someone on the side.

My wife gave me an envelope marked, "Not to be opened until 2027.
Inside was a list of reasons why I can't be trusted to carry out simple instructions.

I asked my wife ...How come she was so excited about getting a new car on finance right until the day she bought it home...After that she didn't even bother to drive it for about 90 days
She said it came with 0% interest for the first 3 months

Did you know that ten plus ten and eleven plus eleven are the same thing?
It's true. Ten plus ten is twenty, and eleven plus eleven is twenty, too.

A Mexican magician says he will disappear on count of 3. He says uno, dos poof
He disappeared without a tres.

what is a Caveman's favorite music genre?
Hard Rock

What's a blacksmith's favorite music genre?

Heavy Metal

What's a president's favorite music genre?

Country

What's a roman emperor's favorite music genre?

Latin

What's a rabbit's favorite music genre?

Hip Hop

Always say yes to a quick 30 minute drink with your buddy.
Those 90 minutes could be the best six hours of your life.

I relabeled all the jars in my wife's spice rack
I'm not in trouble yet but the thyme is cumin.

Did you hear about the landmine inspector who got injured on the job?
Looks like he decided to press charges.

A cute blonde and Frankenstein's monster were hitting if off at a bar. She asked him, "Where ya' from, Big Boy?"
He responded, "Oh, all over."

A man walks into a bakery with a salmon under his arm and asks do you have fish cakes?
The person behind the counter replies, No.
Thats a pity, its his birthday.

Just think, whenever you park your car someone in an alternate reality is
Parallel parking!

I went to a wedding the other day and it was so emotional.
Even the cake was in tiers.

I was crossing the road when I saw my worst enemy get run over.
I thought "Blimey! That could have been me."

Then remembered I can't drive.

Pigs were jumping from the hayloft into the mud. The farmer said they were
Sty diving.

Why dont mummies take vacations?
Theyre afraid to unwind.

What does an Italian terminator say?
Pasta La Pizza Baby

I saw on display in a pet shop an animal described as an "Amsterdam cat"
I went in and asked, "How Dutch is that moggy in the window ?"

A baker was showing off to his friend saying he could make his dough rise quickest
His friend said 'prove it'