Some idiot threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me!!!!!
Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with wearing a different t-shirt every hour.
I said, Wait, I can change.
A man walks into a library and says to the librarianDo you have that book for men with small penises?
The librarian looks on her computer and says, I dont know if its in yet.
The man replies, Yeah, thats the one!
With regret we announce that the CEO of Ricola Swiss Lozenges has passed away.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
I went out for a meal and ordered the Rabbit stew.
I had to return it. It had a hare in it.
I found the worlds oldest stick of chewing gum.
Miraculously, its still in mint condition.
When I was a kid, my parents had a cat named Butter because of his color...When he passed away years later, they were heartbroken. So I got them another cat that looked exactly the same and they named him...
I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!
I'm very pleased with my new fridge magnet
So far I've got eight fridges
My mother worked 12 hours every day just to put food on the table.
Amazing woman, but slowest cook ever.
My wife has a new T-shirt with pictures of carrots, apples and bananas. Call me crazy, but I think its sexy.
She looks so good in a crop top.
My wife left her bra on the floor, and I tripped on it
it was a booby trap.
My doc said I am going deaf
That was hard for me to hear
Legal.
A man is suing
Smart Water for not making him smart, and I'd like to formally announce my lawsuit against
Thin Mints.
I was going to tell you a joke about time travel
But you didn't like it
If you think a cup is expensive at Starbucks
Check the prices at Victoria Secret...
Why are Koalas employed?
Cause they have good koalifications.
I thought the Seahawks quarterback was good
But hes just too darn old
A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: what is your blood type?
The rabbit says, I think I might be a type 0.
Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of their boats?
Because if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat.
My wife asked me to clear the table.
I took a running start and barely made it over, but shes still mad.
What do swingers do after school?Extra Caligula activities.
I think its an original but I refuse to Google and be disappointed.
What do you call a chair playing an instrument?
A rocking chair!
My father invented the cold air balloon....
It never took off.
Our substitute teacher was a turtle.
She tortoise nothing.
A man walks into a library and says to the librarian..."Where are your books on paranoia?"
The librarian leans close and whispers, "They're right behind you."