A drunk guy wakes up in jail and says "Why am I here officer?""For drinking." replies the cop.
"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"
Stop putting flyers on my carStop putting flyers on my car!
No, I don't want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse."
Best joke that I have heard so far, please give your honest opinion on it :3
a duck walks into the bar, and he asks the bartender, "do you have any grapes?" And the bartender replies "no", so the duck leaves.
the next day the duck comes back into the bar and asks again, "do you have any grapes?", so the bartender says "no, this is a bar", and the duck leaves.
so the next day the duck comes back to the bar the next day and asks "do you have any grapes?", and the bartender says "look, you stupid duck, this is a bar.
we sell alcohol. no produce, no fruit, and no grapes. if you come back in here again and ask for grapes, I will nail your little webbed feet to the floor. got it?"
so the duck leaves. the next day the duck comes back into the bar and asks "do you have any nails?" and the bartender says "no," and then the duck says "great, so do you have any grapes?"
A teacher sternly informs her class that no excuse,A teacher sternly informs her class that no excuse, from a papercut to the plague, is acceptable for missing a final exam.
When students suggest scenarios like car issues or roadblock, she tells them to walk or find a detour.
Finally, a student asks what to do in the case of "extreme sexual exhaustion,"?
Which the teacher deadpans, "You'll just have to learn to write with your other hand".
3024 years from now,
Life will either be really good or really bad, its 5050.
As I get older and remember all the people Ive lost along the way, I think to myself...
Maybe a career as a tour guide wasnt for me.
How many balls are in a male quartet?
Sixteen. One of them is a tenor.
What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.
My psychiatrist tells me I'm a kleptomaniac...
I wonder if there's anything I can take for this.
You know how the Earth spins on its axis?
That just makes my day.
When I die I want my ashes pressed into an LP record
Its my vinyl request
Archimedes once said...
Give me a lever long enough and a fulcrum on which to place it, and I still couldn't lift your mom.
what do you call identical boobs?
identitties ( )( )
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
What food item is considered a religious object?
Swiss cheese, it's holey.
Where did the soldier go after getting lost in a minefield?
Everywhere.
I was told that my jokes stink and so do I.
I suppose thats why they call me pun-gent.
The wrong kind of habit...
...can certainly get a nun in trouble.
What do you call a half Chinese, half Russian woman with a very sore throat?
Wu Pinkov
I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?"
I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
Why did Beethoven eat all of his chickens?
When he asked them who's the best composer, they kept saying, "Bach, Bach, Bach, Bach..."
Why do flowers like to be kissed?
Because they have tulips
In my job I decapitate people. In fact, I better get back to my duty.
It's time for me to head off.
Why should you always knock on the fridge door?
Just in case there's a salad dressing.
I recently stopped dating waitresses.
They never want more than the tip.