A man went into a building he'd never been to before to find a book, all he found were books on genital anatomy.
No one told him it was a pubic library.

My girlfriend and I are trying this whole "long distance relationship" thing
I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.

Whats the difference between a cheap guy at a restaurant and a worker packaging silicone breast implants?
Ones a shitty tipper

I dated a girl who insisted we tear apart my Disney Pixar DVDs.
We eventually split Up.

If Mick Jagger and Keith Richards were both killed by a rampaging ostrich...
...would that be a case of killing two Stones with one bird?

Were all of President Theodore Roosevelt's speeches, by definition...
TED Talks?

Yesterday, I couldnt tell if someone was waving at me or the person behind me.
On an unrelated note, I lost my job as a lifeguard yesterday.

Why did the baker make unleavened bread?
He took the path of yeast resistance.

My gun fell in love with me
Call that a smitten wesson.

Did you hear about the mathematician whos scared of negative numbers?
Hell stop at nothing to avoid them.

A perfectionist walks into a bar and immediately turns around and leaves.
Apparently, the bar wasnt set high enough.

A phlebotomist, a physical trainer, and a wedding cake designer formed a band
Theyre called Blood, Sweat, and Tiers

My friends telling me I need to understand the female gaze better to get a girlfriend
But I thought those were lesbians?

How do flat earthers travel?
On a plane.

I've a female relative who gets very angry when someone compares her to French bakery items.
She's a cross aunt.

Why was the gay lawyer so popular?
He got a lot of guys off

Whats brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr. Dre

My friend Jay just had twin daughters and wanted to name them after himself.
I suggested Kaye and Elle.

A thief stole Ketchup
He was caught red handed.

This is a message to the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office.
I will find you. You have my Word.

IF YOU DECIDE TO KICK the fallen ice cube away, please please PLEASE do NOT worry about it.
It's now water under the fridge.

A guy approaches his doctor panicking, saying You have to help me! I think Im shrinking!
The doctor said, Settle down. You just have to learn to be a little patient.

U Haul.
If a cop pulls over a U-Haul, did he just bust a move?

My pants size is 34x34
They call me Mr. Squarepants.

Me: Doctor doctor, I keep forgetting everything.
Doctor: When did this start?

Me: Start what?