I want Kenny Loggins to marry Walton Goggins and open up a winter sports supply store in Lousiana
Come one come all to Loggins-Goggins Toboggans in Nawlins!!

I asked my wife, Can you help me? Im stuck on a crossword clue, 'overworked postman'. She replied, Sure, how many letters? I said, I don't know!"
Im guessing, too many!

Our son was feeling a little down, so we decided to get him a puppy
His mother wanted to get him a Collie.

I wanted to get a Lab

Our daughter wanted to get a Dalmation

We decided to get a mix of all three

I guess you could call it a Collaboration

What do you call karate for amputees?
Partial arts

A man is crawling through the desert, dying of thirst...
The desert is blazing hot, and he's desperate for water. He comes upon a traveling merchant. He crawls up to the merchant and says "water, please! Water! Water!"

The merchant says "I don't have any. I'm a tie salesman. Would you like to buy a tie?" The guy replies "No! I need water! I'm so thirsty! Water!"

The merchant says "Well I told you I don't have any. But go west about 10 miles or so, and there is a small inn where you can get water." The guy crawls off. A couple of days go by, and the guy comes crawling back to the merchant. He looks even worse than before.

The merchant asks "what's wrong? Didn't they give you water at the inn?"

The guy replies "they wouldn't let me in without a tie."

Why was the little drop of ink crying?
His dad was in the pen and he didn't know how long the sentence was.

My daughter was dating a gardener, but they broke up.
He was very rough around the hedges.

I was telling a group of people about the dangers of dried grapes...
You know, raisin awareness

My kid came home from school upset saying Our teacher used to let us play outside for 30 minutes, then lately its been 25, then 20, and today it was only 10!
I kneeled down, put my hand on his shoulder and said, Son this is what Ive been trying to tell you. Were in a recessession.

How do you fix a broken tuba ?
With a tuba glue.

A photographer was injured when a huge chunk of cheddar fell on him
All the people in the picture were trying to warn him

You know what they say about guys with big feet right?
. They have a firm understanding.

(Courtesy of my own dad, 30 years ago.)

While my wife was in labor, I tried distracting her by telling jokes but she didnt laugh once
Mustve been the delivery

What do you call a belt made of shrimp, clams, and smoked salmon?
A waist of good seafood!

What's the difference between shopping at the truck dealership and shopping at the Disney Store?
At one you get a Toyota Tacoma

At the other you get to take home a toy Yoda.

My relatives are all qualified police marksman apart from my Grandad who was a bank robber.
He died recently surrounded by his family

The US government just outlawed duvets, bedsheets, cloaks and any large piece of cloth used for warming
Its a blanket ban

I opened a bag of frozen peas and few rolled onto the floor.
I guess they were escapeas

How do you greet your anaesthetized friend?
Subdued!

Did you hear about the chameleon that could not change colors?
He had a reptile dysfunction

I came out of the shower naked this morning and said, Honey, close the bedroom curtains, I don't want the neighbors to see me naked
She replied, Dont worry, if they do they'll close theirs!

I entered a cage fight tournament.
Despite how dangerous people made it sound, I was disappointed. The cages were really easy to disassemble and didn't really do anything.

Why dont dinosaurs post on Reddit?
Because theyd get absolutely killed in the comet section ...

Therapist says my muteness is mostly psychological
I refuse to talk about it

A postman noticed one house on his route where every single day, a letter arrived with no return address.
Curious, he finally asked the old man who lived there:

Sir, you get a mysterious letter every day arent you worried?

The old man smiled, Oh no, I write them myself.

The postman blinked. You write letters to yourself?

Yes, the man said proudly. It keeps me mentally active.

The postman scratched his head. So what do you write?

The man sighed, I dont know I havent opened any of them yet.