My wife is threatening to divorce me because I'm obsessed with Africa.
Kenya believe it?

I'd hate for her Togo and leave me...

What am I Guinea do now?

This is all so Sudan...

And we have kids, this is Ghana be hard for them

But you know what? She Congo to Hell.

After massive public outcry from users believing Alexa was listening on everything
Amazon has announced it will be releasing a male version, as it won't be listening to anything at all.

Every time I light my lighter, my lighter gets lighter...
...until my lighter gets so light it wont light.

Triple Shot: What do you call a Fiat on top of a hill?
A miracle!

What do you call 2 Fiats on top of a hill? Science Fiction

What do you call 3 Fiats on top of a hill? A weird place to build a Fiat factory.

They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles.
Who the hell runs eight miles in 1 minute?

If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware?
Idaho... Alaska!

Does sean connery like herbs?
Yes, but only partially

Did you hear about the guy who dipped his balls in glitter?
Pretty nuts, right?

Sesame Streets vampire has wandered away again.
Hes done it so many times, theyve lost Count.

Coworker just got fired for throwing keycaps.
SHIFT hit the fan and it all went downhill from there.

How much of the Quran do Muslims believe in?
Allah it.

I opened up to my therapist about the shame I felt for getting aroused whenever I looked the mirror.
She said I was being too hard on myself.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef

When I was younger I wanted to be a chiropractor
But then I found out it was back breaking work

Have you ever played quiet tennis?
Its like regular tennis but without the racket.

I went to a bar called Scat. Its great...
There is always a stool to sit on

I hope that dad riddles are ok here but here goes: 'The more you take, the more you leave behind, what am I? '
Laxatives

A friend said my wife and daughter look identical like twins
I told him, 'Well, they were separated at birth.'

I got fired from my job at the bank today.
An old lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

ISIS is destined to settle in the Golden State.
Its a Cali-fate

Edit: fate

HOW DO YOU SPOT A BLIND MAN AT A NUDE BEACH?
IT'S NOT HARD!

Dont fall in love with your sink.
The relationship is just too draining.

I knew a guy who sold a lot of soup stock.
Now he's a bouillonaire.

What do you call a toothless bear?
A gummy bear.

Whats the slope of an inattentive fast food employee?
Fries overdone