ever have sex while camping?
its fucking in tents!

My son keeps trying to set the clocks back, but I won't let him.
Not on my watch.

In Las Vegas, there are more Catholic churches than there are casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed. Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect all the offerings, then send all the chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting, and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This is done by the chip monks.

Its a shame the Beatles didnt make the submarine in their song green.
That would have been sublime.

A father in Iraq
gifted his daughter a new bag.

The daughter replied, 'Thanks for the Baghdad.'

Two guys are robbing a liquor store.
One of them asks he other "is this whiskey?"

The other one says : yeah, but it's not as wisky as wobbing a bank.

How can you tell a chemist from a plumber?
Ask them to pronounce 'unionized'.

(I love this joke, but I hate that there isn't a good way to tell it aloud.)

Did you hear about one of Temus major warehouses burning down?
Estimated damages totaled just under $75.

Near the end of our dinner, my date said, Look, I need to be honest with you. Im expecting a baby.
I said, Im sorry, but I dont have any to give you.

I've said it before and I'll say it again...
It.

Who is in favour of bringing Roman numerals back into use?
I for one.

I love the Lion King movie, but
Mufasa's death Scarred me as a kid

Why are horror movies about skeletons less gruesome than zombie or vampire movies?
no guts, no gory

Why do dads love DnD so much?
It builds character.

Stolen from my friend lol.

Which actress makes fun of males?
Nicole Kidman

I hear that Hank Hill is in the window business these days.
Hes a pro pane salesman.

What did the policeman say when he saw the zebra crossing?
"Why aren't you in the zoo?"

The eraser felt that the pencil didnt like him much, and asked why.
The pencil said, You are always correcting my words.

The eraser said, You have a point.

I was driving my date to her house and told her that I wasn't good with directions; she just laughed at me...
..So I right her left there.

Did you know you can't run through a campsite, you can only ran
Because it's past tents

Ive got something caught in my throat. I think its half Dutch.
Its phlegmish

There was a time when seeing someone outside in their pajamas meant their house was on fire...
Now it just means they're off to the Walmart.

I haven't spoken to my wife in two weeks
It seems rude to interrupt her

During a job interview
"Can you perform under pressure?".

"No but I can try bohemian rhapsody".

Canadian Joni Mitchell became a US citizen
She looks at life from both sides now