Did you know Yoda doesn't believe in the existence of the triangle?
Only the doangle and donotangle. There is no triangle.
I came out of the shower naked this morning and said, Honey, close the bedroom curtains, I don't want the neighbors to see me naked
She replied, Dont worry, if they do they'll close theirs!
[NSFW] This one is a bit tasteless, so be forewarned...
Water
My wife told me she was giving me the silent treatment for two days.Honestly, I thought, this is it this is peace.
Day one? Bliss.
Day two? Still quiet. Im starting to think Ive unlocked a life hack.
Then day three comes
She walks into the room, looks at me, and says:
Are you not even going to ask why I was upset?
And thats when I realized
the silent treatment wasnt punishment it was just the loading screen.
What happens when you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN?
They get very angry.
Why did the baby strawberry cry?
Because its mommy was in a jam
What type of dwelling do retired Marines live in?
A Tinnnnnn Huuuut
What did the football player say to the flight attendant?
Put me in coach
Worlds wisest manBob had terrible BO and no matter how much he washed & scrubbed he couldn't get rid of it. He tried hundreds of soaps & shampoos but nothing seemed to work. He showered 5 times a day, kept the AC on 24/7 & avoided garlic & beans like the plague
alas, people still gagged as they walked behind him.
Disheartened and down to his last few dollars, Bob walked sullenly down the street. On the corner of the block was a sign that read World's Wisest Man! A solution to all your problems or your money back!'
Intrigued, Bob went in. After a short wait he was ushered in to a small room, where a monk with a long beard was meditating. A nameplate on one wall read Weng Li
Before Bob could say a word, Weng Li began to speak. 'Heed my words child. I know of the issues that plague you.
Take this insect and let it climb along yourself every morning.
Bewildered, Bob took the jar containing the bug and left. His his odor had ruined his life for years. Surely even this was worth a shot? Once home, he started to fall asleep.
He let the bug out and it all over him climbed on him for several minutes. Suddenly, Bob realized his odor was gone. Jumping for joy, he ran back into town to thank Weng Li.
Weng Li! Weng Li! I dont smell anymore! How did you know that the bug would work? Bob cried.
Weng Li gave a mysterious smile and said, The moment my eyes fell upon you I knew all you needed was a deodor-ant.
My son texted me after his dinner date last night and said, Dad, it was great! And guess what shes a content creator!
I replied, Well, whatever she makes, Im happy to hear shes satisfied with it.
What country can swim?
Wales
8 bees can kill you but if you add 1 more bee you are safe.
Because its bee 9.
Will invisible planes ever be a thing?
I cant see them taking off
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair
Virgin Mobile
I think my SatNav is broken.
The other day it said 'Bear Left', but it was actually just a rabbit.
What did the sock get a promotion?
It is always on its toes
I just couldn't bring myself to quit my job at the bakery.
I was underpaid and the hours were lousy, but I kneaded the dough.
Why aren't cakes made of mud?
To prevent earthcakes
The crows have lost their ability to speak.
We are looking into the Caws
Why was the geography student scared?
His grades were below C-level
What's a Marine's favorite type of sushi?
A combat roll.
Why was the picture sent to jail?
It was framed.
What does a bee use to brush its hair?
A honeycomb
I was going to cook alligator for dinner...
But then I realized I only have a croc pot.
The French Team will wear all blue uniforms to the FIFA World Cup
because in France they say, "soccer blue (sacre blue)"