How do you lure a pervert? (NSFW)
Just add the NSFW tag.
Guy next door stopped by and said, So I heard you and your family had an amaing time seeing the ebras at the oo.After he left my wife asked, Who was that?
I said, Just our No-Z neighbor.
I just watched a pirated movie.....
On a scale of 1-10, I'd have to give it 3.14159!
What do you call a person who only goes on dates with prostitutes?
A buy-sexual.
My date at dinner last night said, You know, for a man, the backs of your hands are absolutely gorgeous.
I said, Thanks, but Im not really into backhanded compliments.
This morning I was passed on the highway by a pickup truck pulling a trailer full of donkeys.
Dude was hauling ass.
How does a hamburger introduce his girlfriend?
Meet Patty
Am atheist in the woodsAn atheist was walking through the woods admiring the nature around him. What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals, he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look, and suddenly saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him!
He ran up the path as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was gaining on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and now the bear was even closer.
In his haste, the man tripped on a root and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the atheist cried out, Oh my God!
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
You deny my existence for all these years, teach others that I dont exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?
The atheist looked directly into the light and said, It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?
Very well, said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.
And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke, Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.
Wanna hear a paper joke?
Nevermind, it's tearable.
Did you hear about the vase that got knighted?
They call him, Sir Ramic.
My friend claims he can build a gun using his new 3D printer, but Im not impressed, because...
Ive had a Canon printer for years.
What does Batman use to cool down in the summer?
Just ice.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh
My son asked what you call a cow that plays music
I said
I told my dad I was cold.
He said, Go stand in the corner. Its 90 degrees there.
People laughed at me when I told them I wanted to be a comedian.
Guess that means they support me.
When the moon hits your knees and you mispronounce trees
Sycamore
How do you get a country girls attention?
A tractor!
My wife thinks we need to resurface part of our kitchen.
In my opinion, that would be counter productive.
I think my son is turning Scandinavian
Four times I asked him when he was going to clean his room and each time he replied "I'M GUNNAR"
I can always tell when someone is lying just by looking at them.
I can tell when theyre standing too.
Did you hear about the lawyer who slipped on a banana?
He lost his case on a peel.
I've got a scary math joke
but I'm 2 to say it.
"Doctor! All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!"
Doctor: "Wow! That's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen!"
My wife was really emotional after work.
Turns out she accidentally deleted some files she should have kept. I told her to to embrace her mistakes and move on. She hugged me and left.