My wife went to the spa today and got a bikini wax
She told me it made her feel like a million bucks.

I said she looked like a Brazilian.

(I had to explain this joke to my wife ...and she is Brazilian)

My dad used to tell me that you cant save anyone; they have to save themselves
Great man. Terrible lifeguard.

Science has proven that women who put on a few pounds live longer
Science has proven that women who put on a few pounds live longer than the men who point it out.

I got the latest Porsche 911 turbo s for my wife today...
I think it was a fair trade!

The doctor asked me on scale of 1-10, what my arthritic pain level was. I told him Pi.
He asked, "Pi?"

I said, "yes, my pain is a little greater than a 3, and it's continously shifting slightly, but never ending."

[True story, the doctor laughed.]

What do you call a prehistoric cat with a Bluetooth headset?
A cyber-tooth tiger

Was happy with my timing
Two weekends ago I was driving my family and dogs to a park for a walk and was following a pickup truck towing a decent-sized enclosed livestock trailer. He out accelerated me twice after two red lights and I said "this guy is just wasting gas" and then we stopped at a third red light and he really ripped out of there.

Then my dad senses hit me and I said "shit, well then I guess that trailer must have just been full of donkeys"....and they didn't say anything for a second, and then said "um....why?"

And I said "Because they're really hauling ass!!".

I know it isn't original, but the timing and their genuine pause and confusion because they didn't get it at first was just perfect for me as a silly dad.

What do you call a woman that lights all her bills on fire?
Bernadette

My son asked if he could study common golf course rodents.
I told him, "Gopher it!"

If Marshall Mathers was ever knighted...
Could you call him "His Emineminence?"

I keep asking the contractor when he's gonna build my indoor track....
but all I get is the run around.

I have two pets: a dog and a cat.
My dog loves to show me affection, and my cat loves to show me that I don't deserve it.

Did you hear about the scared orange?
He pithed his pants

What do you call a group of men waiting to get a haircut ???
A barbercue !!!

What do you call an alligator that uses GPS?
A navigator!

I'm reading a book on anti-gravity.
It's impossible to put it down.

Who is both a knight and a spy
Sir Veillance.

I threw a ball for my dog.
I threw a ball for my dog. It was a bit extravagant, but it was his birthday. And he looks great in a dinner jacket. He was fetching.

Working out is like a drug to me
I dont do drugs

A couple weeks ago, I started using a thicker font in work-related emails. At first, I didn't think anyone cared, but just today, my boss came to my office to express his appreciation.
He said, "We need more people around here who make bold decisions."

I can not figure out how to adjust my directional lighting...
The instructions are just baffling...

Made this joke for my parents on their 40th, my dad being a retired pilot.
Two pilots are flying in formation when they look down and see a funeral procession on the road below.

The first pilot peels off, flies low over the procession, dips his wings in honor of the departed, and rejoins the formation.

The second pilot radios over: "That was very nice of you."

The first pilot radios back: "Well, I was married to her for forty years."

Why do you have to salute commonly known facts?
Because its General Knowledge

I used to think South America had only hot weather.
But it turns out, parts of it are Chile.

Limited edition vehicles
Every time I see a car "limited" I imagine this discussion in the showroom:

- We got our limited edition available! 2 seats, 0 to 100kmh in 45 seconds! You can do 100km in one tank!

- well..that's a limited edition for sure...