Two cats had a swimming race. The first cat was called "One, two three," and the other was called "un deux trois." Which cat won the race?
"One two three" won. Unfortunately, the un deux trois cat sank.

People think being a waiter isn't a respectable job.
But, hey, it puts food on the table.

Why did the transgender dinosaur only eat vegetables?
He was a her, before

My wife asked me if I've seen the dog bowl
I told her I didn't know he could

My inflatable house got a puncture last night.
Now I'm living in a flat.

What do you call a beehive without an exit?
Unbelievable.

Lionel Ritchie had a medical procedure recently. Was it out patient?
No. He had to stay all night long.

I'll see myself out

Why is Billy Joel's laundry so wet?
He didn't start the dryer.

Why don't the French eat two eggs for breakfast?
Because one egg is un oeuf.

I was trying to come up with a good banking joke
But I lost interest

My wife said she was going to leave me if i didnt quit singing Phil Collins lyrics, but i reminded her that she told me it was ok to sing them. She asked I did?. I said, yeah
Do you remember?

I Love Telling Dad Jokes
He always laughs.

The farmer was getting his animals in the barn for the night. The sheep were grumbling pretty loudly. The farmer said, "What are you ewes whining about? Huh? What's your problem?
They said, "You herd us!"

I was digging for dinosaur leg bones and I thought I had found one...
But it was a fossil arm.

I would love to visit Norway.
But I cant a fjord it.

I turned a huge tree into a boat with two paddles
Ended up in Roanoke

What is E.T. short for?
He's got little legs

Longer one... happened an hour ago.
Very very old joke.

Went to pick up some new glasses, had my adult son with me.

We got talking about the thinness of the glass, and how it's hi-index glass, bit more expensive than other glass.

Driving Home

Me: yep its high index expensive glass. Really thin.

Him: oh yeah that's cool. (Not really paying attention)

Me: its so much better than the cheap German sausage glass.

Him: cheap German sausage glass ?

Me: yep, thats the wurst!

He looked at me like what ????? And then it clicked

Him : I can't believe you just said that

What starts with W and ends with T
No, really. It does!

I usually dont get angry when my wife pulls pranks on me. Except for the time she got me to eat clay...
I nearly shit a brick.

My wife asked me to flip the calendar to the next month...
To my surprise, it skipped right from April to June. When I turned to tell her we were missing a month, she grinned and said, "What's the matter? You look dis-Mayed."
Shes been holding onto that one since March.

I worked for an optometrist but he fired me.
He said we didnt see eye to eye.

What does a clock say when it needs to go to the dentist?
"2:30"

what do you call a fake police officer?
A faux-po!

A factory worker died after falling into a vat of coffee.
Paramedics said he didn't suffer - it was instant.