My son was just born
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday... said maybe they'll marry each other.

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

I accidentally sprayed Axe body spray into my mouth.
Now I speak with an Axe scent.

Tablets were replaced by scrolls, scrolls were replaced by books.
Now we scroll through books on tablets.

My kid hit me with this one today
Why did the coffee call the cops?

It was mugged

What do you get when you drop a piano on a kid from a great height?
A flat minor

They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian.
Well, they're not laughing now.

My son asked If you see an Apple Store getting robbed
does that make you an iWitness?

If I am in the middle of the ocean and I jump, but when I come down I dont hit water, what does this mean?
Island

To the person who stole my glasses.
I will find you

I have contacts!

I love my new hobby: archery...its great
but there are a lot of drawbacks

6:30 is the best time on the clock
hands down

I hurt my back walking like an Egyptian.
Now I have to see a Cairo-practor.

What do you call a fart that is flat?
2D

(Original joke by my 8 year old)

Help! My dog just swallowed some coins!
I'm monitoring him, but there's still no change.

A blue ship and a red ship collided at sea
All the sailors were marooned

Did you hear about the auctioneer who had diarrhoea?
He was going once, going twice

What is a pirates favourite letter of the alphabet?
You think it would be RRRR but it's not ... It's the C!

What Mario and Luigis overalls are made of?
Denim, denim, denim.

You hear they're opening a Vietnamese-Italian fusion restaurant?
They're calling it "Pho-getaboutit"

Pub.
The worst pub l've ever been in was called The Fiddle

It was a vile inn.

Several years ago, my doctor told me I was going deaf.
I havent heard from him since!

For many Afghan immigrants to US, Taliban is not a problem anymore
but ISIS

What did the pirate name his pet clam?
Me-Shell

What do you calla teapot of boiling water on top of mount Everest?
A highpotinuse

My friend lent me their Bible and got mad I accidentally ripped out a few pages from the Book of Revelations.
I told them it's not the end of the world.