What do you call a cop in bed?
Undercover

I just found out that I have a half-brother.
...and we're not allowed to play with chainsaws anymore.

Hospital.
A man wakes up in the hospital. The phone rings, a doctor tells the man: "I have really bad news. You're very sick. After your collapse yesterday, we ordered several tests, you have Avian flu, Ebola, you're HIV positive and have hepatitis." The man asks "What are you going to do?" The doc replies: "For starters we're putting you on a strict diet of only pizza." "Will that really help me?" "No, but it's all we can fit under the door."

I was so proud
My grandson came to my house yesterday after school. I asked him what he is doing in (8th grade) math.

He said they were discussing the ways to measure things, ruler, protractor, etc. Then the teacher gave them a flip-flop sandal and asked them to measure it.

Grandson just sat there. The teacher asked him why grandson was not measuring. Grandson said he already knows how long the flip-flop is. When the teacher asked how long, my grandson replied,

"that's easy. The flip-flop is a foot long."

So proud of him.

What do you call a Chinese person who is always early?
Wei Ting

My gf insists I bring a 12-inch ruler to the bedroom
She has a foot fetish.

Chiropractor
Went to see my chiropractor today. Very funny guy.

Totally cracks me up

What do you call two cops having sex?
Copulation

Read a story about a family who forgot their dogs toy...
...at a cabin where they vacation every summer. The dog traveled 100 miles there and back to retrieve it

I said "that's far fetched"

Circle Flies
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding and the trooper started to lecture the farmer and threw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, but as he was he kept swatting at some flies buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper said, Yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies."

Well, circle flies are common on farms, replied the farmer. Theyre called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper said, "Oh," and went back to writing the ticket. After a minute he stopped and said, "Hey...wait a minute, are you calling me a horse's ass?

Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass, replied the farmer.

The trooper said, "Well, that's a good thing," and went on writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer said, "Cant fool those circle flies, though."

What do you give a lemon stricken with sickness?
Some lemon-aid

Jokester, holding up can of bug spray to store employee, I didnt know that bugs pray.
Employee, "Why yes they do, why do you think they are in sects?"

Did I tell you I just got a job in a factory making plastic Draculas?
There are only two of us on the production line. So I have to make every second count

Sean Connery is traveling to America in a Multi-mast Ship instead of a plane
He wants to get there schooner

What did a coin inventor say, leaving his job?
"I'm calling it quids!"

Tell jokes about short apple trees if you wanna get a few laughs.
Its low-hanging fruit.

Justice is best served cold
Because if it was served warm, it would be justwater.

What's the worst part of giving a cat a bath?
Getting all that fur on your tongue

Making Shoe Polish...
A guy walks into a cobbler's shop with a scuffed pair of oxfords and says, "I have a big interview today and I need these looking brand new. Give them your absolute best polish."

The cobbler nods, takes the shoes to the back room, and spends twenty minutes working on them. When he brings them out, the guy slips them on his feet, but suddenly hears a tiny voice echoing from the floorboards: "Dzie dobry! Jak si masz?"

Startled, the guy jumps back, points at his feet, and yells, "What on earth did you do to my shoes?! They're talking!"

The cobbler shrugs and wipes his hands on his apron. "Hey, you're the one who asked me to make them Polish."

Why is the forehead the safest part of a human to eat?
Because it's past ur eyes duh!

Did you hear Norway put bar codes on all their military ships?
Thats so when they come to port, they can Scandinavian.

When do cowboys become cow men?
After their barn mitzvah

Whats the difference between Charles Dickens and a prostitute?
One has a tale of two cities, and the other has a sale on two tiddies.

When my father was admitted to the hospital, they greased him with lard.
After that, he went downhill, fast.

I really like the word "wife"
has a nice ring to it