My wife and I were desperately trying to figure out dinner when she sighed, Its impossible to make ends meet in this economy. Groceries cost a fortune, and we can barely keep food in the house anymore. I dug around the freezer and found nothing but an old bag of herbs from our garden.
As she started to tear up, I put my hand on her shoulder, held out the bag, and said, Babe these are hard thymes.
Bono and Edge walk into the bar and the barman says,
"Oh No, not U2 again.
A man looks out at the field and watches the cows grazeSomebody asks him:
what are you doing? he responds:
Someone told me that I should watch what I eat.
Do you know why there are pop tarts but not mom tarts?
It's because of the pastryarchy.
I told my girlfriend I spent $100 on a new belt
She said thats a big waist
My grandpa beat my grandma to death...
Sorry, meant to say my grandpa passed before my grandma
Got pulled over by the policeI was late for work and I got pulled over for speeding
the cop asks if I've got a police record
"yeah I've got Walking on the Moon!?"
Fight with my wifeMy wife asked me, Did you eat the last piece of cake in the refrigerator? I said, No, I ate it in the living room.
And, thats how the fight started
I was down on my luck until I got a jetpack
And thats when my life took off
Why is 3 afraid of being square?
Because 7 will have him for dinner.
I can cut wood just by looking at it!
Maybe hard to believe, but I saw it with my own two eyes!
What do Ancient Egypt and steam engine trains have in common?
They have a toot-in-common.
Just when you think food cant possibly call you on your phone, BOOM
Onion rings.
To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft OfficeI will find you.
You have my Word, and I Excel at tracking down thieves.
Police Officer: "Why are you driving around with a book in your hands?"
Driver: "It's a long story..."
I got hit by a bag of cash.
Luckily, my injuries were only Superfiscal.
Shopping for tinned TunaI was in the canned food aisle at the supermarket, debating whether I should buy some tinned tuna.
In the end I decided it was a no drainer.
Why couldn't the lizard get a girlfriend?
Because he had a reptile dysfunction
What do you get when you combine classical music with science fiction?
Bach to the Future!
FDA warns of possible vision loss associated with GLP-1 drugs.
Apparently you can't have your cake and see it too.
Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
All of the sailors were marooned.
Why doesn't Bart go out for drinks with the boys?
He's afraid of the bart-ender
I want a gun that shoots out wooden benches, instead of bullets.
I'd walk into a church with no seating and be like: pew pew pew. pew pew. pew pew pew
I was thinking of starting a snail farm
But i'm afraid it's kind of a slow market
Every Halloween I like to tell my kids...
I guess October is Octover.