Possibly my finest hour
My wife and I came down with whatever violent cold is going around, sneezing, coughing, miserable. We got over it, but just couldn't shake the cough. After a few days, I was talking to a friend about it, and he mentioned getting an over-the-counter thing that really helped, so I bought a couple of boxes online. When they were delivered, my wife saw what they were and immediately got upset.

"You know I just got cold medicine a few days ago! You could have just asked where it was, and now we've got boxes and boxes of the stuff, and we'll have to store it, and it'll just be sitting around for years, and....."

When she finally wound down, I said, "You're right, I shouldn't have gotten it. I should have known you'd get upset. It even warned me."

"Huh?"

"Yeah, it says here on the box: 'Expect a rant.'"

I was arrested for playing loud music in a vegetable garden.
Charged with disturbing the peas.

Why can't Mickey Mouse fly to Scotland?
His plane disneyland

I ran into a lady at a Vegan restaurant who said she knew me
But I never met herbivore

I'm afraid of backstories.
It all started when ... aaaaAAAAAAHHHHH!

SpaceX has decided what to name their first colony on Mars
Muskow

My friend denies there's a big northern territory in Canada with a lot of ice and islands...
...but I'm having Nunavut.

A snail walks into a bar with a girl on his back.
The bartender asks: What are you?

Snail: I'm a snail.

Bartender asks: Who's that on your back?

Snail: Michelle.

My Dad asked what I learned at school today
I told him 2 White guys liked pioneer. 3 Asain guys liked Samsung and 6 Black guys liked Sony. My dad, full therapist mode, puts his had on my shoulder and says, Son those are just stereo types.

Why is the word dark spelled with a K instead of a C?
Because you can't C in the dark.

While visiting Disney World, I couldnt believe my eyes when I looked up saw that the Haunted Mansion had gargoyles with enormous breasts.
They were the grey tits decorations Ive ever seen.

How do Canadians power their electronics?
Double eh batteries

I felt very naughty making my pickle flavored bread.
I was squishing my dil-dough all over the table.

I saw an advert for adult literacy classes...
in the newspaper.

My dog frequently helps me out when I forget things. This morning while I was in my car he came sprinting down the driveway. I asked what is it today boy?
Dog: *pants*

What did the vegan model t say?
ArOOgula

Im proud to say that I just finished writing my first book, on Reverse Psychology. It's in the process of being published!
Dont buy it.

Why are skinny people called skinny
when they have less skin?

I released a long thin finless fish from captivity today.
I'm going to call her Lucille.

What's a Duck's favorite place to have lunch?
Quacker Barrel

Why is rust so bad to look at?
Because it's FeO!

I've decided I'm going voluntarily mute.
I'm not telling anyone.

I once dated a girl named Demi...
But no More.

Why did the football player beat up the bully?
So that the kid he stole from could get his quarterback.