What should you do if youre attacked by a group of clowns?
Go straight for the juggler

What do you call a criminal landing an airplane?
Condescending.

What do you call a small green legume that rolls off your plate?
An escaPEA! (Im here all week. Please tip your server.)

What is a word that starts and ends with the same letter, and has a little laugh in it?
You will smile when you realize that is the answer.

Got a solid groan on this one...
My daughter wanted me to take her shopping at "The Hot Topic" at the mall. I said that store is too edgy and we should go shopping at The Warm Subject instead. Waka Waka...

I was once arrested for robbing a tire store
They charged me with armed rubbery

Someone swapped my antidepressants for Viagra
It's been a hard day to get through.

this halloween, my costume will be simply carrying a sausage in a beer mug.
i will be frank and stein.

What do you call a cows knees?
A burger joint

Monsters dont like to eat ghosts because
they taste like sheet

Wrestling is stupid.
It's just guys without pants, fighting for a belt.

My mum's sister started making her own spreadsheets
She's Excel Aunt

My wife decided to try a home birth, unfortunately there were a lot of complications...
She had a midwife crisis.

Why do French people eat snails?
Because they dont like fast food

How many ants can you fit in a rental property.
Ten. Ten ants.

Why can't the cat have control of the TV remote......
Because it will keep hitting the paws button.....

Realizing my wife is going to need an oxygen tank for the rest of her life,
because I took her breath away every time she looks at me.

To the person who stole my antidepressant tablets
I hope you're happy now.

Two slices of bread went on a date.
It was loaf at first sight.

What do you call a big brave rock?
Bolder.

What do you call a harvest of dad jokes?
A corny-copia.

Just as I was off to college , my dad and I got some last minute bits from the shop..As he reached for the anti persperant, he made sure to tell me.to.never buy the ones at the very front as they have likely been used as testers several times
I told him , This ain't my first roll deo

he said , Bye Son

Real life dad joke
My family was discussing my kids principals. My son said that he liked the principal he had last year, he said he was a fun guy. I looked up and said, "your principal last year was a mushroom?" A few seconds later, groans all around.

Never go to bed hungry
You might not be able to sleep because of insomnomnomnomnia