I swallowed a bunch of synonyms today.
I got thesaurus throat Ive ever had.

what does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
a synonym roll

I lost my temper at a Vietnamese restaurant, and they told me to never come back.
They banh mi pho life.

Saw my doctor about erectile dysfunction. He said, You could try Viagra, or if you want something stronger, Cialis.
I said, Hmm show me a picture of Alice first.

I make prosthetic limbs for children on my 3d printer
I guess you could say I'm a small arms dealer.

Two guys are robbing a liquor store. One of them asks he other "is this whiskey?"
The other one says : yeah, but it's not as wisky as wobbing a bank

Vegan: The chicken you're eating had a family.
Me: That's why I ordered the family bucket, no-one gets left behind.

My neighbor told me I'm abusing the word "literally."
I literally exploded.

I am a bisexual with lesbian parents
So I guess you could say Im 50% Gay on my mothers side.

I dont have a Dad Bod
I have a Father Figure.

I tried to return the bread my Jewish friend gave me but she absolutely refused to accept it
She just kept singing "I ain't no Challah-back girl!"

Happy Rosh Hashanah to those who celebrate!

I find I always have to rush when I cook with herbs
because I never have enough thyme.

Why was the executioner fired from his job?
He lost his head

I cant understand why skydiving is so expensive.
Its supposed to be a free fall!

Why are pigs dressed in black never bullied?
Because Batman has sworn to protect Goth-ham!

Unfortunately, I cant afford a new set of prosthetic limbs.
They cost an arm and a leg.

Whats big, sticky, and brown?
A stick!

Where is a pet rodent's favorite city to visit?
Hampsterdam.

From my 12 year old son, so proud!

I'm so excited to go to my first event after joining the Amateur Autopsy Club.
Tomorrow is Open Mike Night.

How does a wizard share a complex word?
He spells it out

Why do celebrities never complain about heat?
Cause they have a lot of fans.

Shall I tell you a joke about a high wall?
I better not, you'll never get over it.

Political opinions are like dicks
Its okay to have them, just dont shove them down peoples throats.

The market was selling free range eggs
But I wanted to use them for a recipe that went in the oven, so I had to pay.

The autopsy club is having a meeting tonight
It's an Open Mike Night