There was a time Chuck Norris hit a horse with uppercut.
That's how giraffes got created.
Chuck Norris just got shot
The bullet is in critical condition.
A man goes to see his DoctorSays Doc, I think my wife is going deaf. She cant hear anything Im telling her. But shes too proud to get her hearing checked. The doctor says, try an at-home test. Stand a good distance away from her and ask her something. If she doesnt answer, move a little closer and try again. See how close you need to be for her to hear you.
So the man goes home, and when he comes through the front door he can hear his wife in their bedroom upstairs. So, from the door he says honey, how was your day? No answer. So, he moves to the top of the stairs and tries again. Honey, how was your day? No answer again. So he goes up to the open bedroom door, looks right at his wife a mere 10 feet away, and says loudly Honey, HOW WAS YOUR DAY?
She whips around and shouts FOR THE THIRD F***ING TIME, IT WAS FINE! HOW WAS YOURS?!
I asked my wife to pass me a cookie and she answered: "I think you have a weight problem."
So I said: "I know. I still wait for that cookie."
I hired a painter to do a family portrait, but he keeps drawing us as Star Trek villains.
Turns out hes a Khan artist.
I told a joke to a Hawaiian, to try and make him laugh, but I don't think he liked it.
He just let out a low "ha."
Whats Santas favorite metal band?
Sleigh-er.
A woman hurried to a pharmacy to pick up medication for her sick husband. When she got back to the car, she found shed locked her keys inside.The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground. She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off his bike and asked if he could help.
She said, "Yes, my husband is sick and was in such a rush I forgot my keys in the car. Can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car and in less than a minute the car was open.
She hugged the man and through tears said, "Thank you, God, for sending me such a very nice man."
The man heard her little prayer and replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday. I was in for car theft."
The woman hugged the man again, sobbing, "Oh, thank you, God! You even sent a professional!
Two fish in a tank
One says: How do you drive this thing'
I accidentally erased my wifes audiobook.
Now Ill never hear the end of it!
My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes.
It ended my Korea.
What is faster than an escalater?...
An escanow!
What did the ghost put on its bagel?
Scream Cheese
If anyone gets a DM from me about canned meat, don't open it!
It's spam
I caught my son outside eating electric cables.
I had to ground him. Currently his attitude isnt at all positive.
Where do rainbows go when they're bad?To prism.
It's a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
I went to a restaurant that fuses Chinese and middle eastern cuisine.
Its called Wok like an Egyptian.
Two guys came to put some curtains up for me.
Curt n Rod
My dog always knows exactly what time it is.
He's a watch dog.
People were angry when I cooked that stir fry on a cruise.
Sorry! I didnt mean to wok the boat.
How do you make a hormone?Don't pay her
My Dad's joke to me as an 8yr old in 1982, my scientific mind was going!
What does a panda cook with?
With a pan, duh!
Lowe's Had Everything Decorated for Christmas Today
Even most of the wood had a bow.
Where do American defectors hide in Russia?
Edward's Snow den
What do you call a broke Santa Claus?
Saint Nickel-less