A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

A cop asked me, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
I told him, "I was just trying to keep up with traffic."

He looked around and said, "There is no traffic."

I replied, "Thats how far behind I am!".

My wife asked me, Do you think our kids are spoiled?
I said, No, I think they are supposed to smell like that.

At dinner, my date leaned in and said, Tonight Im gonna do you 3, 5, or 7 times.
I said, I like those odds.

Anyone know any fish puns?
Let minnow!

How much did a pirate pay to get his ears pierced?
A buccaneer!

So sad news, my girlfriend broke up with me for having a small wiener
Its ok.. I was never really that into her

Man, the bar for making good jokes has been lowered so much...
3 guys just walked into it

What you call a man with a rubber toe who can't find his car?
Roberto Carlos

I like spices
My wife asked me why I was sprinkling thyme on her chest.

Well honey, you know I love a good spice rack.

Point of the joke.
What you have to do is point your finger at somewhere in the room or at a building and say to whoever you are with did you know that nail up there is put, your age years old example Im 66, so I would point at wall of church and say did you know that the nail up there is 66 years old and when they say what nail you reply the one on the end of your finger. Then wait for the groaning to begin.

How are the reviews for the new Michael Jackson biopic?
They're bad. They're bad. They're really, really bad.

for those companies that are short staffed,
why you don't hire taller people

What does Bugs Bunny say when he gets off his boat?
What's up dock?

Did you hear about the warehouse that was robbed last night?
They took a pallet of paprika and a pallet of oregano. Investigators believe this was the work of seasoned criminals.

What do you call a meeting of dignified gentlemen?
A sir conference.

What do you call a Frenchman who was attacked by a cat?
Claude.

Have you heard of Murphys law? Yeah. What is it? If something can go wrong, it will go wrong. Thats right. Have you heard of Coles law? No, what is it?
Thinly sliced cabbage and mayo

The worst part about being diabetic is the uncertainty of marriage.
What if I get cold feet?

My son picks his nose and eats it. He thinks its funny
I think its snot

What type of engineer gets to dress most comfortably?
Software engineers.

Related, where is the best place nowadays to buy armor?

The hardware store.

I was wondering when the night time would end....
....then it dawned on me.

I hit someone with my lunch.
It was a club sandwich.

What do you call a forest full of toilets?
Toilet-Trees