How does a polygamist hippie count his wives?
1 Mrs. Hippie. 2 Mrs. Hippie. 3. Mrs Hippie

Edit: Typo

My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store.
I realized when I got home that I had picked 7 up.

Mortal Kombat was actually based on a Scandinavian church song.
It was a Finnish Hymn.

I saw a guy carrying a long stick. "Are you a pole vaulter?", I asked.
No, I'm German. How'd you know my name is Walter?"

Where does a fish go, if he needs medicine?
To the PharmaSea.

How does the moon cut it's hair?
Eclipse it!

I backed a horse at ten to one
It came in at half past five.

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.
You cant tell me thats a coincidence.

What do you call a flying NUN?
a) a bird
b) an airplane
c) an arrow
d) nun of the above

My girlfriend said I needed to improve my wardrobe.
So I hammered in a few of the loose nails with an old sandal.

I may be dyslexic...
But as long as I get my point across, that's all that mattress

A hippy chick got a job working at a bank.On her first day every time a teller counted money, She would just stand behind them. The mangers noticed and asked what she was doing?
She said Dude you told me to stand behind the counter all of the time

When politicians get involved in a scandal, they often end up firing one of their assistants. Usually, it doesnt solve the problem.
Its just a banned aide.

* I got a new pen that can write under water.
It can write other words too.

My wife and I watched a great dramatic series on Hulu the other night,back to back until we finished it. Unfortunately, she was the one facing the TV.
I could hear it but I did not see a thing.

The annual tug of war between England and France has been cancelled
Nobody could find a rope that was 26 miles long.

I phoned my children and asked them what time they'd arrive at my housewarming party.
"We'll be there inside an hour," they replied.

I said, "I'd prefer it if you stayed much longer, actually."

A man went to a post office in Prague and tried to send himself inside a package.
Czechs in the mail.

Reading.
I was reading the dictionary in bed last night, but I didnt make it very far.

I got up to P.

A guy I met in the hallway of my building today asked me for directions. He wanted to know the fastest way to the chipotle on high street near campus. I asked him asked if he was walking or driving there. He said driving..
I said yep that is the fastest way

In response to the recent mass exodus, have you seen the latest lineup of artists performing during the Freedom 250 concert?
Lady Maga

Red Hat Chili Peppers

Magadeth

Impeaches & Herb

the Magas and the Papas

Earth, Wind & You're fired

Supertrump

Before crowbars were invented
Crows used to drink alone

The Smart Pig
A city slicker is driving down a quiet rural road when he spots something unbelievable in a field. He slams on the brakes, reverses, and stares out the window. There is a farmer plowing a field, and walking right next to him is a pig. But this isn't an ordinary pigit has a wooden leg.

Driven by pure curiosity, the city man parks his car, walks over to the fence, and flags down the farmer.

"Excuse me, sir!" the city man yells. "I couldn't help but notice your pig. Why on earth does it have a wooden leg?"

The farmer stops his tractor, wipes his brow, and looks fondly at the pig. "Oh, let me tell you about Barnaby. Barnaby is no ordinary animal. He is an absolute miracle of nature. Just last year, I was working in the barn when it caught fire. I was trapped under a fallen timber, unconscious. Barnaby ran into the roaring flames, dragged me out by my collar, and then ran back inside to alert my wife. He saved my entire family!"

"Wow, that's incredible!" the city man gasps.

"That's not all," the farmer continues. "A few months later, my youngest son fell into the deep end of the farm pond. Barnaby dived right in, kept the boy afloat, and managed to push him safely to the shore."

"Unbelievable!" says the traveler. "Barnaby is a genuine hero! But you still haven't told me... why does he have a wooden leg?"

The farmer sighs, shakes his head, and looks at the city man like hes crazy. "Well, listen here. When you have a pig that is that special, you don't eat him all at once!"

What did the maple say to their grampa who was exercising?
"Careful, you Maple a leaf"