What do you call a man in the water with no arms and no legs?
Bob.

Dad jokes can be NSFW. And i'm gonna say why.
Why

My brother just quit his job as lawyer to become a dog breeder...
He prefers boxers over briefs.

What is it called when you forget to put the pizza sauce on a pizza ?
A Marin-error.

Old McDonald had a calculator
01313

Did you know if you go to bed in full armor
Its the best way to get a full knights sleep

You have 2 wolves inside you
Mozart had 7 or 8 wolves inside him. That's why they called him Wolfgang.

I went to my professors funeral, stood next to the casket and said:
"So, who's thinking outside of the box now, Professor Miller?"

My son came up to me at the beach, upset. He said his sister was teasing him because she had five buckets and he only had two.
I knelt down and said, The amount she brought doesnt matter, son. Its pails in comparison.

I really wanted a new pullover sweater for my birthday
But all I got was a card again.

Why do bugs have odd religious beliefs?
They are in-sects.

My son asked for help with his geometry homework.
I told him I'd only work with him on triangles and rectangles.

Circles are pointless.

Why did the baby strawberry cry?
Because its mother was in a jam

A photographer was crushed today when a massive block of cheddar fell on him.
To be fair, the people he was photographing tried to warn him.

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic...
But if I'm gonna have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.

Why do horses have low divorce rates?
Stable relationships.

What generation was Forrest Gump?
Gen-A

She: You shouldnt eat meat
He: Don't worry, it's plant-based.

She: That's awesome. Which plant?

He: The meat processing plant.

Why do muslims play sonic during ramadan?
Because they gotta go fast

I was going to post a joke about jump ropes
But I'll skip it.

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten-tickles

I was in the pharmacy and asked the assistant for some deodorant
Ball or aerosol, he asked.

So I said No, its for my armpits

What do you call a Nun in a Wheelchair?
Virgin Mobile

Um homem sai do aeroporto e tem sua carteira roubada
Ele chega no ponto de txi e pergunta ao nico motorista presente

- quanto at o hotel Taj Mahal no centro?

- por 30 eu te levo l.

- voc aceitaria eu te pagar depois? Infelizmente tive minha carteira roubada, mas sempre estou na cidade.

O motorista zangado xinga o homem e ele sai triste

Duas semanas depois, o homem est de volta na cidade e decide se vingar do motorista, chega ao ponto de txi onde h 8 motoristas, incluindo aquele da outra vez e pergunta a cada um:

- quanto at o hotel Taj Mahal no centro?

Depois de ouvir o preo ele faz uma proposta:

- te pago o triplo se me deixar passar uma noite com sua mulher e mais 100 pra ela

Obviamente nenhum motorista aceita, mas ao chegar ao ltimo, o mesmo da outra vez pergunta:

- por 40 voc me leva ao hotel Taj Mahal no centro? Nenhum de seus colegas quis aceitar.

Manners
My young son is shouting from the garden, I say I cant hear you and its rude to shout. Come inside.
Then hes at the window, shouting again, I say I cant hear you and its rude to shout. Come inside.
Then hes at the back door shouting again, I say I cant hear you and its rude to shout. Come inside.
Then hes at the living room door he says, dad, I have dog shit on my shoes.