I introduced my 8 year old to Toby Maguire's Spider man last night. She hit me with this:Dad, I know how Peter Parker takes the pictures of SpiderMan.
He uses his webcam!
#ProudDad
I've seen a lot of web designer puns but even searching the subreddit I didn't see any webcams in the first few pages.
There was once an emperor who never aged past 19.
His name was Constant Teen.
A man wanted to share a word at a colleague's funeral. He strode to the mic and said, "Bargain."
The grieving widow said, "Thank-you, that means a great deal."
My daughter brought her new boyfriend over to meet me yesterday...
He stuck out his hand and said, "Hi sir, I'm David. Nice to meet you.
"I took a step closer and asked, "David, are you nervous?"
He swallowed hard and said, "No, not at all."
So I grabbed his hand, looked him dead in the eye, and said, "Then why are you shaking?"
My friend sleeps on piles of old magazines.
He has back issues
A woman woke up from a 6-month coma and asked the doctor about her baby...
The doctor said, "You had twins, a boy and a girl! They're doing great. Since you were unconscious, your brother named them for you."
The woman panicked. "Oh no, not my brother! Hes an absolute idiot! What did he name the girl?"
"Denise," the doctor replied.
The woman paused. "Oh, wow... Denise is actually a lovely name! What did he name the boy?"
The doctor sighed deeply. "Denephew."
Ron was a real team player...And after Ron was cremated, his baseball buddies decided his ashes belonged in the teams trophy case. They bought a beautiful urn and held a small ceremony at the ballpark, where they took turns saying a few words of thanks and praise.
Unfortunately, they held the ceremony during batting practice. One wild pitch knocked the urn off the table, scattering his ashes all over the infield.
The scorekeeper looked over, shook his head, and sighed:
Well, I guess thats an unurned Ron.
I have an addiction to seaweed
I am going to seek kelp.
A guy goes to the doctor and says, I keep seeing a werewolf, with big sharp teeth.The doctor says, Have you seen a psychiatrist?
The guy says, No, just a werewolf.
The French customs officer confiscated my crate of snails
Now I have less cargo.
You should always be on the lookout for members of the Spanish Habsburg dynasty when eating a sandwich.
They are inbred.
I accidentally swallowed invisible ink.
I'm in hospital waiting to be seen.
I really don't like people on ladders...
They always look down on me.
I asked my friend who lives in Pyongyang what life is like in North Korea
He said I cant complain
You're allowed a maximum of two visits to Spain.
The third is considered tres-passing.
When Steve left Apple,
there were fewer jobs.
A loving son is helping his mom pick out an outfit for her first date five years after his father died.
Now look at that widowdresser.
I complained at a restaurant last night. I said, "Hey, waiter, my soup is cold!" He said, it's Gazpacho."
I said, "Hey, Gazpacho... my soup is cold!"
Did you know some peppers burn vampires?
They're called Hallowed Peos.
Whenever I travel, I always pack emergency Mexican food
just in quesadilla.
I really like this song about the dude throwing cheese around his house.
I think it was by Mike Oldfield and the title was "Cheddar On The Wall".
I made a chicken salad today
It seems they prefer grain
Noah had been busy for weeks making his final preparations for the flood. The last details of the boat were complete and the animals were nearly finished with their march onto the boat.
As he stood there with his wife watching the strange but magnificent event the last of the animals finally boarded. He turned to his wife and with a sigh of relief said, "now I've herd everything"....
How do you neutralize a military base?
Put a military acid on it.
What do you call a man who......loves the beach? Sandy.
...is obsessed with Bob Ross? Art.
...dreams about money? Bill.
...loves to jump into piles of leaves? Russel.
...can't swim? Bob.
...likes being dragged by a boat? Skip.
...likes hot dogs? Frank.
...is religious? Christian.
...speaks in short sentences? Curt.
...lives in a hole in the ground? Doug.
...is always lying on the floor? Matt.
...works in a produce aisle? Herb.
...loves to go camping? Forrest.
...works out all the time? Jim.
...loves cooking steaks? Chuck or Stu.
...smokes a lot of weed? Bud.
...is obsessed with lighting fires? Bernie.
...loves running after people? Chase.
...likes lifting up cars? Jack.
...loves to go hiking? Cliff.
...loves to fish? Rod.
...is always laying in the sun? Tanner.
...loves collecting taxes? Levy.
...builds brick houses? Mason.
...loves little bears? Teddy.
Keep the list going!