Old man sitting on his porch sees a boy walk by with a glass jar.
He says "Hey boy, where you going with that jar?"

Boy says "I'm going to the Honeysuckle to get some honey."

Old man says "You can't get honey from Honeysuckle."

Little bit later he sees the boy walking back with a jar of honey.

Next day he sees the same boy with a bowl.

"Hey boy, where you going with that bowl?"

"I'm going down to the Buttercups to get some butter."

"You don't get butter from Buttercups", the old man says.

Little bit later the boy walks by with a bowl full of butter.

Next day the old man sees the boy again, but he's not carrying anything.

"Where you off to today, son?"

"I'm going down to the pussywillows..."

Old man interrupts, "Hold on son, I'm coming with you!"

(My 19 yo daughter just made this up and Im so proud!) How can you tell if you are having dinner with a termite?
They order the house salad.

What is it called when a chameleon can't change colour?
A reptile dysfunction

My father worked 12 hours every day just to put food on the table.
Amazing man, but slowest cook ever.

I accidently glued myself to my autobiography.
That's my story and im sticking to it !

My dad wasnt the worlds greatest proctologist
But he was right up there

How do you turn a duck into a 1970s Soul Singer?
Put it in the oven until its bill withers

Elton John bought a treadmill for his pet rabbit.
Its a little fit bunny.

The guy who stole my diary died yesterday.
My thoughts are with his family.

What do you call the rich people of North Korea?
The Chosin ones.

If your child is becoming addicted to trigonometry, you need to intervene as soon as possible.
Do not ignore the sines.

Which animal can tell time?
A clockodile

- My sweet sweet son

How did the hot dog go camping?
In his wiener-bago

A teacher asks her class if they can use the word contagious in a sentence
A girl raises her hand and says, the flu is very contagious.

Very good, the teacher replies, and then asks if anyone else can.

A boy raises his hand and says, my neighbor was painting her house by herself, and my dad said it would take the contagious

What did the little fairy say when she first entered her toadstool house?
Theres so Mush-Room in here!

I broke my finger last week.
But , on the other hand , im okay.

If they made a soap opera about bees
they could call it Days of Our Hives

I ordered a book on scamming. Cost me a fortune.
Im still waiting to receive it

I was going to procrastinate today
But I decided to put it off until tomorrow

Today Paul Bunyan got fired.
They gave him the ax.

Whats the difference between light and hard?
Its easier to fall asleep with a light on

Some people consider me to be a fraudulent realtor
But I'm a real estate agent.

What do you call a speedy Indian driver?
Ray Singh

What do you call a pizza with just peppers on it?
Pepperonly pizza

Whos the Jedi that never forgets basic geometry?
Ashoka Toah