So I was out to dinner last night with a blind date. I really enjoyed it!
She even suggested we should have dinner again, which is nice but I was really full so I declined. Bless her heart.

A blonde woman was speeding in her little red sports car when a blonde police officer pulled her over.
The officer asked for the drivers license. The driver rummaged through her purse, growing more agitated.

What does it look like? she finally asked.

The officer replied, Its square and has your picture on it.

The driver found a small square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it over. Here it is, she said.

The officer looked at the mirror, handed it back, and said, OK, you can go. I didnt realize you were a cop.

I poked my daughter's belly button, and she poked mine right back.
I think she should join the Navy, she seems to have a knack for navel combat.

The scientists at NASA were appalled at the new tax on sending felines into space
It was a CatAstroFee

My fianc sat me down, looked me straight in the eye and asked if I gave STDs to all of our friends and family. I said, Yes I did and some co-workers as well
but can we please just call them Save The Dates?

I gave away all of my dead batteries.
Free of charge.

On Valentines Day, my wife seductively patted the couch and said, How about you get comfortable and we wrap the night up with a happy ending? I said, Absolutely!
So I plopped down next to her and put on The Princess Bride.

What do you call a German in a bad mood?
A sour Kraut.

The head of the british secret service was knighted by the king.
He is now Sir Veillence.

The other day in my travels, I saw a police horse and it had a dodgy shoe.
It was going, good clop, bad clop.

I opened a store that sells coffins.
I think my business might be going under.

Car mechanic warned about my hand brake not working. I laughed and said:
Thats how I roll

I can always tell if someone is lying just by looking at them,
I can also tell if they are standing.

I've got a great job in a Helium factory
I can't speak highly enough of the place.

I was in court the other day when the Judge asked me "You look familiar. Have you ever been up before me?"
I replied

"I don't know. What time do you usually wake up?"

What has 5 toes but isn't your foot?
My foot!

I invented a thought-controlled air freshener. My wife told me its dumb.
It makes scents when you think about it, though.

I invited a deer to a hunt
I'm game! It replied.

If a king sleeps on a king sized bed, a queen on a queen sized bed, what kind does a prince sleep on?
An Heir mattress

What does a sheep dog do when he needs to reverse the herd?
He makes a ewe turn.

I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.

Why dont blind people skydive?
It scares the crap out of their dog.

My kids are starting to do well in maths
Its the little things that count

YouTube disabled the dislike counter.
I would say that everyone disliked that, but I honestly can't tell.

You dont have to have a parachute to go skydiving.
You do, however, need a parachute if you want to go skydiving twice.