My wife said I'm the cheapest man in the world...
I'm not buying it!

I was staying at this hotel in Madrid and I got sick
I called the reception to say I was sick and they said that they had a doctor on staff that could help me.

The doctor came up to my room and gave me a few pills.

Im surprised that the place had a doctor on staff, I said.

Yeah. Nobody expects the Spanish inn physician.

To everyone who said I'd never become a journalist:
I've got news for you.

Why do people in here get tired of seeing reposted jokes?
Just because you've reddit doesn't mean everyone else has!

I caught some vegans in my basement.
I mean, I think they're vegan. All day long, they keep shouting 'lettuce leaf!'

What does a tree do when its bored?
It branches out

Some fetuses have a skill that allows them to go through an entire pregnancy undetected
They learn it in the secret cervix

What do you call two male FBI agents having dinner together?
A Government Man-date

I showed my friend a photo of myself at an R.E.M. concert.
I said, Thats me in the corner.

At dinner my date complained, Naps? Sleeping in? Taking breaks? How are these actual hobbies?? Your profile said you were interesting!
I calmly leaned in to clarify. Resting. Im into resting.

What is the most common type of doctor in Egypt
A Cairo-practor

I ate a clock yesterday
I ate a clock yesterday. I was so hungry I went back four seconds

Do you remember blowing bubbles as a kid?
I ran into him the other day, he still talks about it.

[Warning 18+]
19

So, a bear walks into a bar..
He sits down and when the bartender comes around he says, "Hello sir, I'll have a rum............ And a Coke". The bartender inquisitively replies with, "uhh what's with the pause?" The bear answers and says, "Ummm..... I was born with them?"

What happens when a witch flies faster than the speed of sound?
It causes a sonic broom.

Why couldn't the volcano blow his top?
He was suffering from eruptile dysfunction.

One day, my dad was in the bathroom for a long time (true story from 60 years ago)
He took so long that my mother got worried. She said "Martin, are you OK?"

When he emerged, my dad said, "Well, it was a struggle there for a while, but everything came out all right in the end."

From my wife "Whats the most common doctor in eastern europe?"
A Prague-tologist

A little girl was talking with her teacher about whales.
The teacher explained that it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because, although whales are very large mammals, their throats are relatively small.

The little girl replied,

But Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Slightly irritated, the teacher repeated,

No, that's impossible. A whale simply could not swallow a human being.

The little girl thought for a moment and then said,

When I get to heaven, I'll ask Jonah.

The teacher smiled and replied, And what if Jonah went to hell?

Without missing a beat, the little girl answered,
Then you can ask him.

Ive had my recliner for a long time.
We go way back.

Why does Darth Vader wear black robes like a nun?
Force of habit.

A friend of mine runs a public sealife park and was complaining he had no way to adequately clean up flipper and his friends
I gave him a bottle of "Mr Muscle" spray-and-done, he asked how that was supposed to help.

So I pointed to the bit on the label that said "Multi-porpoise cleaner"

I've trained my dog to bring me red wine
She's a Bordeaux Collie.

I was taunted with a nickname after I dropped a coat of arms in my heraldry club
I was crestfallen