A newlywed calls her mother sobbing
Mom: Honey whats wrong?

Newlywed: Mom, its awful, John just had an accident at work and cut off his finger

Mom: Oh no! Thats awful! His whole finger?

Newlywed: No, the one next to it

Did you hear about the scientist who accidentally froze himself to -273.15C?
In the end, he was 0k

Iran just created their own version of Sesame Street. Everything's the same, all the characters are the same, except the Count von Count has been replaced...
...with the Ayatollah Howmany.

I will be confronting the guy who unplugged my refrigerator
But I need to let things cool off first.

Looking for help researching German U-boats
Oops, sorry, wrong sub.

I used to have an uncontrollable obsession with buying large boats.
Thankfully, the antibuyyachtics worked.

Tequila may not fix your life.
But its worth a shot.

Why did Mr. Information file for divorce?
Because so many people were spreading Ms. Information.

Did you hear about the dishonest accountant?
He was a debit to his profession.

I for one
like Roman numerals

After my neighbor spied on us for months with his telescope, I went to his house and stole his tripod.
It was about time to take a stand.

What do you call an Asian man with a amputated leg?
Lim-ping

My garden gnome was upset when he didnt win Yard Decoration Of The Year. But
He wasnt even gnomenated.

What do French people call a really bad Thursday?
a trajeudi

Did you hear about the murder at IKEA?
Yeah, the police are still piecing it together

What has tentacles and can't fix your computer problems?
Geek Squid

Joke 3.14159
In Jamaica, an apple pie costs $3.50 .

In Barbados, a cherry pie costs $4.25 .

In Trinidad, a meat pie costs $5.00 .

Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean. ,

I am ashamed that my son became an exterior painter.
His career is a stain on this house!

Why did the circus fire their accountant?
He was juggling the books.

Did you hear about the man that circumcised elephants?
The pay wasn't great, but he always got big tips.

What do you call a well balanced horse?
Stable.

What kind of doctor treats ducks?
A quack

My family recently discovered Grandpa is taking Viagra
We were all rather surprised, but Grandma has been taking it hard

My dad was a conjoined twin.
We referred to him as my uncle on my fathers side. Dont worry, they were surgically separated so now hes my uncle once removed.