My car broke down so I took the bus
A policeman showed up at my office and made me give it back

I just saw my wife trip over and drop a basket of clothes she just ironed.
I watched it all unfold

What do you call a cow that had an abortion?
Decaffeinated

Colonoscopy the movie
Starring Cameron Diaz

What do you call having a conversation on the toilet?
Shit Shat

Just wondering what vegetable do you need when your tire is flat?
A-spare-I-guess

A friend told me hes worried about his marriage
His buddy used a page of his wifes daily planner to smoke cannabis. Hes now worried that his buddy is high on his wifes to do list.

Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar.
Batman follows them in.

Why did the couple bring a map to bed?
Because they kept getting lost in each other.

I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger
Then it hit me.

I recently failed my Medical College entrance exam because of nerves
The correct answer was blood vessels.

A herd of cows escaped from their field today.
Witnesses described it as

Udder chaos.

What do you call a horny cow?
Beef jerkey

An island nation may shrink its official script to 25 symbols: ABCD_FGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ
Probably Haiti.

If I bought an axe from Finland and had it shipped to Canada,
I would have a foreign axe sent

Why was 2019 afraid of 2020
Because they had a fight and 2021

At Starfleet Academy, Picard won a trophy so big he could climb inside it.
He called it the enter prize.

Most people don't realize that barred owls evolved in the vicinity of feudal estates and were often trained to investigate neighboring estates
which is why, to this day, they remain intensely concerned with who cooks for you, who cooks for you all

i love that this generation managed to kill the stereotype that if you have tattoos, you wont be able to find a job.
bc now nobody can find a job, whether you have tattoos or not.

Bar.
A man walks into a bar carrying a large piece of asphalt.

He says to the bartender,
A beer for me
and one for the road.

I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck.
I

I have a meeting at the bank later and if its a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.

Im so excited I can barely put on my ski mask

Why is bread like the sun?
It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist

Old Fred Mercury had a farm...
Ay- oh, Ay-oh, ay

I had to create a new email address and couldn't decide between Google or Microsoft. I went back and forth, back and forth before I decided to ask my magic 8 ball.
It said "Outlook not so good"

A man thought he was a fish
After examination, doctors concluded he was mentally Eel.