An armed man robs a bank with 2 CDs glued to his glasses. The cashier hands the man all the money and then says Got to ask, whats with the CDs?
He replies Its my disk-eyes

I was talking to someone about countries having low birthrates and snuck this in.
Me: South Korea had the lowest birth rate but recently got theirs up a bit.

Her: I wonder which one has the lowest now.

Me: I'd have to look it up. I'll do it later.

Her: Do you know which nation has the highest?

Me experiencing sudden inspiration: I think it's the nation of Impreg.

Her not connecting the dots immediately: I haven't heard of it. Do they have a lot of people?

Me: Oh I hear they get a lot of visitors who stay less than a year but few permanent residents. I've been there. It's kinda nice. But some women hate it there.

She asked a few questions with my responses getting more ludicrous until:

Her: Ok, I have to look this place up.

Her looking at her phone: GOD DAMNIT!

Glorious.

My wife says Im getting fat, but in my defense:
Ive had a lot on my plate recently.

Gloria Gaynor was hosting a dinner party for six of her friends at her home.
When they arrived, they panicked when finding out one couldn't make it. "That's ok." she told them. "I will serve five."

I was on a date with a woman who kept randomly interjecting our conversation with opinions. They dont make bedsheets like they used to. Quilting is boring. Duvet covers arent worth the money.
Finally I said, Youve got to stop making blanket statements.

Why is afraid of water?
Because it's irrational

Had to get a colonoscopy, guess you can say I had a
Cameron Diaz

What's a coin collector's favorite ice cream flavor?
Mint.

What happened when Blue Beard sunk in the Red Sea?
He was marooned.

Dad, how many people work at your company?
About half of them

40 years ago today, l asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend and the most gorgeous woman l know to marry me.
All three said no.

A boy was walking down the street carrying a burlap sack...
...something inside the sack was wiggling. A man stopped him and asked what was in the sack.

"My puppies, see?" The man says "Those are some very cute puppies, what are their names?"

"That's Fido, and that is Spot, and that one is Liberace." "Liberace! That's an odd name for a puppy. Why Liberace?"

"He's the pianist of the bunch."

What do you call a crazy tick at midnight?
A Luna tick

The clown I hired for my kids birthday just crapped on the living room floor.
Only the kids think that shit is funny.

I was looking at my roommate dragging his bike into the bedroom so I asked "why do you need your bike in the bedroom?"
"I want to stop sleepwalking"

My 84 year old dad just told me this one so I thought I would share.

If you cut off your Left Arm...
Your Right Arm will be left.

Edit: Corrected a typo

Last night in bed, my girlfriend was mumbling about being born in 1892 and writing the Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings
I thought: 'she's Tolkien in her sleep again.'

Know why gas stations charge you money to fill your tires?
Inflation.

40 years ago today, l asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend and the most gorgeous woman l know to marry me.
All three said no

How do you get an alien to change a lightbulb?
Take them to your ladder.

A clown held a door open for me.
I thought that was a nice jester.

Why did the math teacher only date integers?
He liked to keep his relationships discreet

Waiter this coffee tastes like mud.
That's funny sir, it was only ground this morning.

Gender explained with biblical characters
XY is Adam
XX is Eve
YYY is Delila.

What is a skeleton's favorite geometry term?
Radius.