Son: Dad, I think the bougie man is under the bed? Dad: Don't you mean the boogeyman?
Voice from under the bed: Wow, the thread count on these sheets is PATHETIC.

I live my life by a couple of simple rules.
No pee jokes. That's number one.

No poop jokes. That's number two.

The guy that invented pants?
He was a real slacker.

What do you call a crab that plays baseball?
A pinch hitter!

Did you hear about the two radios that got married?
The reception was amazing.

I have a pun about the wind but
It blows

What do you call an Egyptian witch?
A sandwich.

I found my physics professor face down on his desk crying before class. I put my hand on his shoulder and asked, Hey, whats the matter?
He looked up at me and said, Anything that has mass and takes up space.

Sorry, it was only a sneeze...
I didn't mean to yell achoo

You can take my fireworks when you pry them from my cold, dead hands!
Which are over there on the sidewalk...

Whats the difference between a joke and a dick?
I cant take a joke

My next door neighbors couldn't pay their water bill...
So I sent them a get well soon card.

I started a factory making flip-flops for people with one leg.
It was a flop.

I thought for sure Id be hired after I nailed my interview at a psychics office.
But apparently I didnt pass the foreground check.

If you're ever in a canoe and fall overboard
You can wear the canoe as a hat. Because it's cap-sized.

What type of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree.

My wife wants to spoon in the bed
But I would rather fork

A guy just came to my door trying to sell solar panels. I said I'm not interested. He asked if I wanted a pamphlet anyway.
I said, bro sure.

Houses.
Did you hear about one house falling in love with another house?

It was a lawn-distance relationship.

Why can't a leopard hide?
He's always spotted.

I almost died from radiation poisoning.
My half-life flashed before my eyes.

How does a non-pilot fly a plane?
He just wings it.

I always wanted to be a Gregorian monk...
...but I never got the chants.

My teacher told me I could never do poetry because of my dyslexia.
But so far, I've made three cups and a vase...so "there" Mr. Peterson!

What might you call red hot cattle?
A cruci-bull.