Why is Vader called Lord?
Because calling him "Master" made all of the Stormtroopers giggle.

I just read a book entitled " how to survive falling down a staircase"
It's a step by step guide published last fall.

Have you heard about Chris Pine's wife, Sue?
She's really laid back.

Did you hear about the chronic masturbator who passed away?
He died after three strokes

What was the last thing Grandpa said before he kicked the bucket?
Lets see how far I can kick this bucket

I asked the bank manager why they keep denying me a home loan. I said, Its because my job pays me in soothing succulents, isnt it?
He said, Exactly we consider that aloe income.

I walked past a Vietnamese restaurant today...
...called Pho de Nguyen. Took me sec, but I got it. Ftw!

What do you call a potato wearing glasses?
A spectator.

I got attacked by one, three, five, seven and nine.
The odds were against me.

A true dinner time story
Tonight, we were eating burgers, and one of my kids decided to try to look into the hole in the ketchup bottle.

Kid: Why cant I see into the ketchup bottle?

Me: Because you wear glasses.

Kid: Why does that matter?

Me: Because Heinz-sight is 20/20!

Wife: huge eye roll

It was glorious!

Why did the beans move to Australia?
Because they wanted to live in Cairns!

A baby buffalo went to his mother and came out as bisexual to her.
He's a bi-son now.

I saw an army of babies walking down the street this morning.
I think it was the infantry.

I was just assaulted by man with a block of cheese.
I mean, how dairy!

Henry Winkler has launched the Happy Days Crypto Currency
He denied allegations that it is a Fonzie scheme.

My friend won't stop making bird puns.
But toucan play that game.

I tried to start a new hobby of dangling off famous towers, but i didn't last beyond the first one.
Eiffel.

What do you get when a red ship crashes into a blue ship?
Marooned sailors .

Without nipples
Boobs would be pointless

5 out of 6 scientists say Russian Roulette is safe.
The other one could not comment.

I went to a therapist for a year to deal with bereavement.
I found out this week he had passed away and I couldn't care less.

He was fantastic at his job.

I just got sent to the principles office.
During English class I accidentally miswrote Peace as Piece. Im now dealing with accusations of Homophonia.

A magician was walking down the street.
Suddenly, he turned into a grocery store

Trump's latest executive order bans the sale of shredded cheese
Because the president's policy is to Make America Grate Again.

I bought shredded cheese on accident instead of a block so my wife made me reassemble it.
That was degrating