What do tofu and a dildo have in common?
They are both meat substitutes

Before the clock strikes midnight on December 31st, be sure to lift your left leg.
That way, you will be starting the New Year off on the right foot.

I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasnt happy at all
How much have you had to drink? she asked sternly, staring at me. Nothing I slurred. Look at me! she shouted. Its either me or the pub, which one is it?

I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, Its you. I can tell by the voice.

When's the last time you cried?
Sadurday

*Courtesy of my 10 year old*

I can tell the difference between butter and I can't believe it's not butter
My margarine of error is very low

Why are ghost bad liars?
You can see right through them.

I failed as a butcher, but its probably for the best.
I just never had the chops for it.

speaking of death, which body part dies last?
your pupils, cause they dilate

What does a rotting zombie say?
idk.

(by my 13y son, so a sonjoke, I guess)

What is a horses favourite wine?
Chardoneigh

Why did Queen Elizabeth II love corgis so much?
Because she wasnt allowed to be a cat-a-holic

Did you know Vampires don't like depressed people?
They prefer Happy Meals.

What's blue and not very heavy?
Light blue

As a funeral director. I tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.
Because if there was ever a zombie apocalypse, it would be hilarious.

I got you an elephant for your room.
"Thanks.

Dont mention it.

i told my brother to hand me that travel pamphlet
he said, bro, sure.

Told my wife I wanted to be cremated.
. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.

I wanna thank all the sidewalks in my life.
For keeping me off the streets.

What happens when ice cream gets angry?
It has a meltdown.

My kid complained its too cold to walk to school then looked puzzled when I told him he can warm up going around corners
Since they are all 90 degrees

Why did the geologists wife leave him?
She said he took her for granite!

My very tall buddy said he doesn't understand short people.
I said surely, that's because you overstand them all.

A Spanish fireman has two sons. What are they called?
Jose. And Hose B.

A librarian got killed by a pile of falling books
Wow, I wouldnt think there were that many books about falling.