What does it sound like when a vampire sneezes?
Nosfer-AACHOO!

What is the difference between a Vietnamese restaurant and an Indian restaurant ?
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What did the sushi say to the Bee?
Wasbi!

I saw an army of babies marching down the street.
It had to be the infantry.

How much does a pirate pay for 100 ears of corn?
$103.14. A buck an ear, plus the pi-rate tax!

How would you scare a bee!?
BOO-BEES!

What's the best mountain to go take a nap on?
Mount Ever-rest

The country with the largest number of parks in the world is Korea.
As a matter of fact, I'm good friends with five of them.

I stormed out of the diner when they said they were out of bread.
I am lack toast intolerant.

I'm riding along in the car and told everyone "I'm easily the funniest person in my life"
Everyone laughed, proving my point.

My dad got me into marionette school.
He had to pull a few strings.

Im reading a horror book in braille
Something bad is gonna happen, I can feel it

I bet youve never had a hamburger on an airplane. Right?
Because its ground beef.

Before the town's locksmith died, he made me promise to take care of his dog.
I only had the dog in my home for half an hour when he made a bolt for the door.

Im thinking of starting a new company that matches people with sexy British desserts.
Im going to call it Only Flans.

What did the man from Puerto Rico say when he couldn't find his mobile?
"Where mofongo?"

It's probably just as well McDonald's never put a sirloin sandwich on the menu.
It would have been a McSteak.

What do you call a spy whos into BDSM?
James Bondage.

The clocks go back?
Yesterday the wife said "Don't forget the clocks need to go back tonight." Talk about no warning, I don't even know where the receipts are!

Why did someone name their dogs Timex and Rolex?
Because they were watchdogs.

Did you guys hear about Gwenyth Paltrow's daughter playing football?
At one point she took the other team's ball. Talk about an Apple Turnover!

Here's a fact about The Exorcist (1973) that I bet you didn't know.
It's a work of cruci-fiction.

I have a fear of driving under bridges with passengers in my car.
I have carpool tunnel syndrome.

My cat ate all the food in our house!
It looked like a real meowthful

Had a neck brace fitted years ago
Havent looked back since