My Theft Remains Undetected.
I stole a board game from my sister.

She has no Clue.

Why is George R. R. Martin not on Twitter/X?
Because he killed all 280 characters.

Mike Tyson is SO religious
That he punches people in the faith.

Why do lazy people hate origami?
Too much paperwork.

Breaking News: A man has been stealing wheels off of police cars.
the Police are working tirelessly to catch him.

Sad news indeed... The guy who championed males and females to play Tennis together has passed away.
Rest in peace Mick Stubbles

What do you call a rich Chinese guy?
Cha ching!

Sad news....I lost my job as a stage designer
I wasn't very happy but left without making a scene.

Have you heard Alanis Morrisette drives a Hyundai EV?
Is it an Ioniq?

My son asked me.
My son asked me," Where does poo come from?"

I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.

He looked at me a bit perplexed and stared at me in stunned silence.

"And Tigger?"

Justice is best served cold.
If it was served warm it would be justwater.

Joined a gym and they put me on a resistance training program.
It's going really well. So far I've resisted training every day this week

A trans person punched me!
Ouch, that hrts!

I went to the doctor's last week and it turns out I'm both gay and dyslexic.
I'm still in Daniel.

At dinner on our first date, I asked if I could tell dad jokes.Annoyed, she said, Fine
So I turned to my dad and said, Two guys walk into a bar

Whats worse than a box full of snakes?
A box that was SUPPOSED to be full of snakes.

I just emailed my senator to complain about the economy.
But all I got was an out of office reply.

My girlfriend is trying to lose weight by snorting cocaine
She calls it 'Diet Coke'

Whats faster than an escalator?
An escasooner

(OC) Found a giant, empty beehive in my back yard this morning.
Took my dog out to do his business in the back yard earlier and found it. My wife asked me if it was empty.

I told her, "yeah, they're all gone, out looking for a new home, a diwaspora." She rolled her eyes and laughed, thinking once again, (I'm absolutely certain) about how lucky she was to have found me.

Did you know Dolly Parton was terrible at mathematics? She even had a song about it...
"Adding 9 to 5, what a way to make 11."

Took a limo to yoga.
Bit of a stretch.

What did Humpty Dumpty say to all the kings men?
Yokes on you

I quit smoking cold turkey!
From now on I only smoke cigarettes

I Haven't Told This Joke for the Longest Time!
This guy told me that he has a mortal dread of Billy Joel songs, but he hasn't told his girlfriend.

So, I said, "You should tell her about it."

And he ran away screaming.