You can tell Donald Trump is a self-made man.He does everything himself. He pisses himself. He shits himself.
He can even go fuck himself.
What do you call a person who eats other people slowly?
A cannibble
A time traveller appears in a bar, taking half an hour to fully materialize
The bartender looks at him and asks, "Hey, buddy... Why the long phase?"
Why is it so hard for woman to work in the postal Services?
Because its such a mail dominated industry
Why is it so easy to weigh fish?
Because they have their own scales!
Do you know what would be a great name for diarrhea medicine?
Gonorrhea
You can't drown in raw milk
If there's enough for you to drown... it must be past your eyes.
The Grill Comparison:
A husband rudely tells his wife, "Your butt is getting so big, its larger than our BBQ grill!" Later that night, he tries to initiate some romance, but his wife immediately shuts him down. When he asks what's wrong, she replies, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?".
My kid texted me: I just spilled bleach and baking soda all over the floor. What do I do?? I wrote back: Throw a blanket over it. A minute later he replied: Okay now what?
I said: Nothing. All our bases are covered.
I can bench press 1000 pounds
Not all at once, of course. But lifting 50 pounds twenty times over three days, no problem!
I'm in court tomorrow for stealing luggage...
I'm hoping it'll be a brief case.
I was told after a vasectomy I wouldnt have kids anymore
imagine my shock when I got home and they were still there!
Where would you find a peacock at a grocery store?
Next to the peanuts.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a Sex on the Beach. After he has a sip, he spits it out.
He screams at the bartender, "THIS IS F**KING CLOSE TO WATER!"
My car broke down halfway between my lake house and the Hallmark store.
My car broke down halfway between my lake house and the Hallmark store. I was stuck between a dock and a card place.
Whats the difference between a drummer and a savings bond?
One of them will mature and make money.
A man walks in a bar and shouts free beers outside!So everyone in the bar, except the bartender, ran outside in excitement.
The bartender, visibly angry, yells at the man what the hell did you do that for? Now i have no customers!!
The man says Sorry mister, i honestly didnt fink any of those men would be brave enough to fight a grizzly beer, let alone free of them
Got tired of working with transistors
Eventually started studying for a lower degree in the field of railway transportation. Graduated a semi-conductor.
Our local bra store went out of business
I dont know if it went tits up or tits down.
What do you call a plane full of bald people
Receding airlines
The Chinese man who invented the camera lens has passed away.
Rest in peace Zoo Min
Why did the transgender man only eat salad?
He was a her-before
After dinner, I asked my date if she wanted to get a treat. She said, Sure! Dubai chocolate?
Im like, Yeah I buy chocolate all the time.
My dad farted..
..in an elevator, It was wrong on so many levels...
Son asked about my workplace.My son asked how many people work at my workplace.
I answered about half of them.