A pea, a lemon, and a potato were leaving a bar at the top of a very steep hill after a long night.
The pea, feeling quite energetic, shouted, "Lads! We're all roundlet's just roll home!" and immediately shot down the hill.

The lemon wobbled after him, but his oval shape made him list violently from side to side, which did nothing for his unsettled stomach. The potato followed behind, trundling along slowly.

When the potato finally reached the bottom, he found the lemon leaning against a lamp post, looking very pale and clearly sick. The pea, however, was already jumping up and down. "That was brilliant! Let's do it again!"

The potato looked at the lemon, then back at the pea, and said: "Easy peasy, lemons queasy.".

I once met Tom Hanks... I asked him for his autograph.
All he wrote was "Thanks." So rude...

Magician: And for my next trick, I will disappear!
Magician: *holds pear*

Youre the worst fruit ever!

"Knock Knock." "Who's there?" "Hypercorrect grammar nazi." "Hypercorrect grammar nazi who?"
*whom

What kind of pants does a ghost hunter wear?
Just a paranormal jeans.

Scientists have grown human vocal cords in a petri dish.
The results speak for themselves.

Whats the difference between houses and horses?
You are!

I was bored so I swapped all the sweets into different wrappers. My girlfriend isnt amused
she got her snickers in a twix!

Did you hear about the new Chinese lightbulbs?
They never burn out, they just dim sum

My boss just announced hes going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
My boss just announced hes going to fire the employee with the worst posture.

Ive a hunch it could be me.

Did you hear about the bird that was put under house arrest?
I heard it was a flight risk.

I was told a car without wheels is a good investment.
Personally, I don't think it'll get me anywhere.

Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the stormtroopers giggle

I am the best steak griller ever
Every time I cook, everyone says it is "beyond well done"

Never trust a double entendre.
They might sneak innuendo.

I just opened a new grocery store that only sells Cheerios, Onion Rings, Swiss Cheese and Donuts
It's called Hole Foods

I have a lightning bolt scar around the end of my femur
I told my wife "maybe this makes me Harry Potter. Or perhaps it's closer to Hermioknee?"

Did you hear about the big Lego sale?
People were lined up for blocks.

Boeing have announced a new plane design that doesn't have any wings
but I don't think it's gonna take off.

What kind of pants does a ghost hunter wear?
Just a paranormal jeans.

I've got this joke about popcorn ceilings but..
Its a little dated, a little corny, and it might go right over your head.

Man: We should go out for a coffee sometime?
Woman: How about 10 tomorrow?

Man: No, that's too many.

Spirit Airlines says they shut down because of the economy
But I know theyre just ghosting me

I bought my friend an elephant for his room
I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said, "Thanks!"

I said, "Don't mention it."

Little kid + Dad + clothes
Little kid: Dada, can you put my clothes on?

Dad: Okay! (Starts dressing himself in child's clothes)

Kid: No, put them on ME!

Dad: Ohhh. (Folds clothes, places them on child's head)