Cancer is like a dad joke.
Not everybody gets it; but those who get it, wish they didn't.

Did you know they are doing digital tests for prostate cancer now?
Yep, the doctor puts their digit right inside you!

*My dad told me this one after he was diagnosed with prostate cancer. Thankfully he beat it.

Edit: his to their, doctors need not be men.

My wife grumbled, Why dont you write a book instead of your stupid word play jokes? I smiled and replied...
Thats a novel idea!"

What do you call three guys name Pat?
A Patrick

Did you know Odysseus ate a very unhealthy diet?
All his food was cooked in Ancient Greece.

My wife left me because Im too insecure.
No wait... shes back. She was just getting coffee.

What did the ram tell his sheep girlfriend when he broke up with her?
Its not ewe. Its me

A young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple all wanted to get married at the same small-town church.
The local priest, wanting to ensure they were truly committed, gave them a challenge: they had to go one full month without any physical intimacy before he would perform the ceremonies.

One month later, they all returned. The priest asked the elderly couple if they had succeeded. "Oh, yes," they smiled. "It was quite easy for us." He turned to the middle-aged couple, who nodded and said, "It was difficult, Father, but we stayed strong and made it the whole month."

Finally, he looked at the young couple. They were shifting uncomfortably in their seats. The young man looked down at his shoes and confessed, "No, Father... we didn't make it."

The priest sighed. "Tell me what happened."

"Well," the young man explained, "my girlfriend was reaching for a can of corn on the bottom shelf at the grocery store, and she accidentally dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, the temptation was just too much. I couldn't help myself."

The priest shook his head sorrowfully. "Im sorry, but if you can't show that kind of restraint, you aren't welcome in my church."

The young man shrugged and whispered to his girlfriend, "That's alright. We aren't welcome back at that grocery store either".

Career counselors at a local high school are urging students not to go into the profession of sword swallowing.
The reason is because it has become a cutthroat industry.

Olaf did all the grocery shopping for Elsa and Anna
If he didn't pick up spices for the castle chef or laundry detergent for the castle washerwoman, they'd have to go without.

In other words, thyme and Tide waited for snowman.

What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We're closed.

A local restaurant made a soup stock out of nitrogen and oxygen.
Critics are calling it a broth of fresh air!

A couple had been spending money at such an alarming rate that they feared they wouldn't be able to afford their annual holiday.
The husband came up with a "brilliant" savings plan: every time they were intimate, he would put $20 into a large piggy bank.

A year later, the holiday season approached, and the husband finally cracked open the piggy bank to see how much they had collected. He was immediately puzzled. "Wait a minute," he said, "Every time we've been together, I've put in a $20 bill. But there are $50 and $100 bills in here! Where did these come from?"

His wife looked at him and sighed, "That's your troubleyou think everyone is as stingy as you!".

My wife warned me not to steal the kitchen utensils
But it's a whisk, I'm willing to take!

I came home to find two guys stealing my gate
Didn't want to say anything in case they took a fence.

Believe it or not, my wifes the only one ive ever been with.
All the rest have been an eight or higher.

Why do people in Athens hate mornings?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece

Why don't skeletons ever fight each other?
They don't have the guts.

I was out golfing with my son; my wife texted me afterward and asked how did you play?
With our clubs.

She refused to allow us back into the house.

What did the landslide say to the cars?
We will, We will, Rock You.

When my kid is upset I let him color my tattoo
He just needs a shoulder to Crayon.

NASA sent a satellite into space to apologize to the aliens.
They named it APOLLO G

What did the O say to the other O?
Ohio!

What Pokmon is a total creeper?
Peek-at-chu (Pikachu)

I met a dinosaur with really good teeth.
It was a flossiraptor.