When I got divorced, my wife and I fought over who would get the weed.
In the end, the judge gave us both joint custody

What do you call an elderly Egyptian?
Giza

Why is it so easy to break out of jail in Hershey, Pennsylvania?
Chocolate bars.

Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM...
Onion rings.

We just agreed to foster two new puppies, and my wife named them Rolex and Omega
They're gonna be watch dogs.

(Of course, we'll have to check them for ... ticks.)

Drank invisible ink by accident this morning.
I'm in the ER waiting to be seen.

Whats the difference between Donald Duck and Donald Trump?
Ones just a duck. And the other ones a lame duck!

I just found a 95 year old painting in my attic.
I told him to leave immediately.

Be careful of any special deals the server offers you at Applebees
We'd just finished and out of the blue the server asks "Box for your food, sir?"

Well that was too good to pass up. She was tougher than she looked but I did manage to prevail. And in a clear breach of contract the manager immediately had me arrested.

Sore losers!

Based on my research, the most insidious bias is confirmation bias.
As I expected.

The magician lost all his magic.
Now he's just Ian.

What do you call a two dollar chicken?
Buck Buck!

Help! I'm in Egypt and really hurt my back.
Does anyone know a good Cairopractor?

There's this singing group at my church that I used to hate, but now I really like them.
I guess you could say they're an a-choired taste.

Cats are great in the kitchen..
..they make everything from scratch.

What do you call a bunch of people moving from the Pacific Northwest?
An Oregon transplant

Coffee was voted ...
the #1 drink, but there were some absent Tea ballots.

The other day I spotted an Albino Dalmation
It was the least I could do for it.

Update on Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris is said to be doing well in his recovery from his death earlier on this year.

Snowman.
What do you call a snow man with a six pack ?
An ab dominal snowman.

There is a group made up solely of the sisters of mother's that roam the streets fighting crime
They are Vigil-Aunties

Why Did Willy Wonka Shut Down His Chocolate Factory?
He was short staffed.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
It's not difficult to roast beef

I love telling dad jokes but I don't have any children.
Does that make me a faux pa?

What do you call a bear that's missing an ear?
B