I want to open a restaurant that fuses Chinese and Middle Eastern cuisine.
I'd call it "Wok Like an Egyptian".

Booked a hotel room the other day. Walked into my room...yams everywhere.
Yams on the bed, yams on the table, yams in the bathroom.

Went to reception to complain.

Hotel guy said: "Those aren't yams, they're suite potatoes"

A guy walks into a music store and asks about their hip-hop selection. The clerk tells him they only carry Nas and Tupac.
The guy says no biggie and walks out.

I asked the dealership for a value on my car today.
They asked if the fuel tank was full or empty.

Scientists tried to genetically mix a leopard and a crab...
...but they stopped soon, when they realised it can go sideways really fast!

This morning I was removed from the local community park for organizing the squirrels by height
Turns out people were not happy that I was critter sizing.

During an existential crisis my therapist leaned in and whispered one word. 'Parachute.'
It really brought me back down to earth.

Parts of the Body.
Whats the most reliable part of your body ?
Your fingers. You can always count on them.

The people in Dubai dont like the Flintstones.
But the people of Abu Dhabi do!

My wife emerged from her wardrobe and said to me,darling I was wearing this at our wedding 30 years ago and it still fits me.
I said,honey it's a scarf!

Its really easy to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile
the one on the left will see you later;

the one on the right will see you in a while

What did the French fry dad say to his curly fry son?
You better straighten up and fry right.

My librarian wouldn't tell me where the "self-help" section is...
... she told me that would defeat the whole purpose.

Are people born with a photographic memory?
Or does it take time to develop?

I like to tell dad jokes.
But he never thinks theyre funny.

Took my kid to the doctor
The nurse was in the room with us getting vitals and whatnot. We started talking about how it can be difficult when children are unruly.

chadministrator: You know, in Europe they call unruly kids "unmetered".

nurse: Oh, really?

chadministrator: Yeah, because they use the metric system.

The nurse laughed and thought it was amazing. Better still, my wife did that laugh all wives do where she laughs but instantly hates herself for laughing because it encourages me to do more dad jokes. It was glorious.

My wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with CB Radios.
I think it's over, over.

get better soon
Wife gave me a card "Get Better Soon". I'm not sick, but she's looking for improvement.

After my dad died, I visited his favorite park to scatter his remains. Just as I started, a park ranger came running towards me screaming, STOP!!! You cant do that here. I asked why not and she said
You at least have to cremate him first.

Did you know that the best bakers are cats?
It's because they make everything from scratch.

I'm an attendant who sells bus tickets at the booth. Man comes up and asks me how long the next bus will be.
Damn stupid question.

I reply 'Same length as the last one'.

Ever looked at a car and wondered how it smells?
With it's trunk of course.

Why are babies so good at basketball?
Because they like to dribble.

The police showed up when my son refused to take a nap
They charged him with resisting a rest.

How did the zoo know where the escaped flamingos went?
They were seen on a Flock cameras