"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up,said a sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one student rose to her feet.

Now then young lady, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer.

Well, actually I don't," said the girl, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

As I got off the elevator, the operator said, Have a good day, son. I said, Dont call me son. Youre not my dad.
He replied, Maybe not but I did bring you up.

I bought a used dictionary at a local flea market. I got it cheap because someone had torn out both the first few and last few pages from the book.
Trying to actually use the dictionary was difficult, however: it only went from bad to worse.

Even though I drink brake fluid all the time, Im not addicted.
I can stop whenever I want

My girlfriend said I have no sense of direction.
So I packed my things and right.

I'm proud of my 13 yo daughter. I told her to load and run the dishwasher.
She said the dishwasher can't run... it's got no legs!

I'm glad to see my teaching has not been wasted.

Who were the knights of the round table
Whos the knight who moonlights as a geologist?
Sir Vey

Whos most the agreeable knight?
Sir Tenly

Whos the Knight who used to be a slave?
Sir Vent

A blind man walks into a store and starts swinging his dog above his head. A clerk asks him" can I help you?"
The blind man says "no , I'm just looking around."

Whats brown , wrinkled and lives in a cathedral
The lunch bag of Notre Dame

One of my friends is a flat earther.
Though he prefers i use the term bulldozer operator.

Whats the difference between a bad joke and a dad joke?
The first letter!

I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed.

My neighbour told me he was scared to plant an apple tree
I told him to grow a pear.

My Girlfriend says Im cheap
Im not buying it

What do you call an Italian at the Soccer World Cup?
A referee (or lost)

I need a dad joke about Axolotls
My wife sells her crochet at our local farmers market. I cant crochet so I help set up and provide customer service. I also tell dad jokes about each item (Theyre a big dill for the crocheted pickles etc.) However, she crocheted axolotls and Ive got nothing. I figured that if anyone can help, it would be this sub lol

have you heard of the picture that got a death sentence?
i heard it'll be hanged soon, but apparently it got framed. so for the meantime, i hope it's hanging in there

I went to a store where they use explosives to create jewelry.
As I entered there was a loud "bang". It made my earring.

I told my wife I had a joke about construction but I'm still working on it
So last night at dinner my kid asked me why I always have a joke ready for every situation. I told him it was just part of my foundation. He groaned. My wife put her head in her hands. I considered it a success.

But honestly it got me thinking about all the construction puns out there just waiting to be built upon. Like, I tried to come up with a joke about concrete but it kept hardening back to the same punchline. I thought about roofing jokes but they all go over people's heads. Even my jokes about elevators have their ups and downs.

My personal favorite to tell at family gatherings: I asked my brotherinlaw what his favorite part of being a contractor was. He said the money. I said mine was all the groundbreaking work.

He has not invited me to a cookout since 2019 and I respect that boundary while also refusing to change my behavior in any way whatsoever.

If you have a good construction pun I would love to hear it. I am always looking to add more material. My family is begging me not to but their opinion was not solicited and will not be considered.

Drop your best below.

I saw this bloke with a long stick outside the stadium
'Are you a pole vaulter?' I asked.

'No,' he replied. 'I'm German and how did you know that my name was Walter?'

Best part of flying on an airplane seated next to a green bean?
The legume.

What kind of drink do you get when you want more than a tiny cup of coffee?
A latte

It takes at least four people to properly tail an individual.
It's called four-shadowing.

Yachts.
A wealthy Frenchman was showing off his yachts.
"This is un, this is deux, this is trois, this is quatre, this is six..." "What happened to five?" his wife asked.
"Cinq" he answered

I was lured into entering a limbo competition with the promise that it would be the 11th most fun thing Id do that night.
I ended up enjoying it much more than I expected, but only because they set the bar so low.