My wife left a note on the fridge that said, Its not working. I cant take it any more. Im going to my moms. Confused and extremely worried, I slowly opened the fridge door. The light came on, the beer was cold.
What the hell did she mean?

Mantis.
Baby praying mantis: Dad, who do we pray to?

Dad mantis: That depends on the religion.

Wait bugs have different religions?

Of course, son were in sects.

What do u call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick

Did you hear about the bee who got busted for visiting a prostitute?
It was a sting operation.

My personal trainer said he eats five big meals and trains six days a week.
I have no idea how he eats that many trains.

I recently got arrested for stealing a whole volume of encyclopaedias.
I turned to the officer and said, Look, I can explain everything.

I cleaned my vacuum cleaner.
Now I am the vacuum cleaner.

My therapist diagnosed me as "audio-averse".
I don't like the sound of that.

Do not be afraid of a six month home renovation.
Those twelve months will be the most fulfilling two years of your life.

Did you hear about the chameleon who couldnt change colour?
He had a reptile dysfunction

Teacher: can anyone tell me a Scandinavian country which doesnt have the letter R?
Student: No way!

My fiance and I wanted to get married at the public brary.
But they told us it was all booked up .

What do you call an inconsequential pachyderm?
Irrelephant.

I noticed 2 large bumps on my car battery. I had them tested
One came back positive.

Google says its terminal, l was shocked...

I was told that my mom insisted on having her hair done when I was born.
Thats how I learned she dyed giving birth.

I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, Youre an 8 on a scale of 10.
I still dont get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.

What kind of blood type does a vampire have?
RU positive

What do you call a fly without wings?
a walk

I told my partner i was testing her by asking if shes a wife or a mother first
A mother first

Wrong, you married me a year before our first kid.

Got a big groan on that one

Blacksmith.
An old blacksmith relized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting.

"Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy. "Just do whatever I tell you to do."

One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil.

"Get the hammer over there, he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard."

Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.

Kid: Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Dad: Yes, we arson

I saw a wolf with clothes on in the middle of a forest...
Stunned, I realized it was a wear wolf.

My kid identified as a tree all through high school.
Senior year he branched out and won most poplar.

I once made a small boat out of a large bell.
It was a little dingy.