When I got divorced, my wife and I fought over who would get the weed.
In the end, the judge gave us both joint custody

Why do reggae singers hate going to prison?
Because they dread locks

What do you call an elderly Egyptian?
Giza

Be careful of any special deals the server offers you at Applebees
We'd just finished and out of the blue the server asks "Box for your food, sir?"

Well that was too good to pass up. She was tougher than she looked but I did manage to prevail. And in a clear breach of contract the manager immediately had me arrested.

Sore losers!

What do you call a nun with low self esteem?
Mother Inferior

Why is it so easy to break out of jail in Hershey, Pennsylvania?
Chocolate bars.

Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM...
Onion rings.

Drank invisible ink by accident this morning.
I'm in the ER waiting to be seen.

We just agreed to foster two new puppies, and my wife named them Rolex and Omega
They're gonna be watch dogs.

(Of course, we'll have to check them for ... ticks.)

My Mrs told me my face looks like the back of a boat today...
I didn't know what to say, so I gave her a stern look.

Whats the difference between Donald Duck and Donald Trump?
Ones just a duck. And the other ones a lame duck!

Based on my research, the most insidious bias is confirmation bias.
As I expected.

I just found a 95 year old painting in my attic.
I told him to leave immediately.

I was going to tell a joke about a boomerang but I've forgotten the punchline.
But I'm sure it'll come back to me

My friends suggested we disguise ourselves as luggage at the airport
I said lets not get carried away

The magician lost all his magic.
Now he's just Ian.

I'm so good at sleeping
I can do it with my eyes closed.

Help! I'm in Egypt and really hurt my back.
Does anyone know a good Cairopractor?

I didnt want to believe that my son was stealing from his new job at the department of transportation
But when i got home, there were many signs

I found out my girlfriend is a ghost
I had my suspicions when she walked through the door

The internet: then and now
20 yrs ago we had Net and Yahoo, now we have Netanyahu

What do you call a bunch of people moving from the Pacific Northwest?
An Oregon transplant

There's this singing group at my church that I used to hate, but now I really like them.
I guess you could say they're an a-choired taste.

What do you call a two dollar chicken?
Buck Buck!

Pablo the undertaker died from a workplace injury
His coworkers were the pallbearers of bad news.