People are like onions...
If you chop them up into tiny pieces, everyone nearby starts crying.
My daughter woke me up at 11:00 PM last night. Daddy she whispered guess how old Ill be next month
I dont know I whispered. How old? She smiled and held up 4 fingers. Its 7:39 am now. My wife and I have been up with her all night. She still refuses to tell us where she got them.
Air used to be free at the gas station. Now its $1.00. Want to know why?
Inflation
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes.
The doctor says it's terminal.
Before he became a famous actor, Arnold Schwarzenegger was fired from his job at Home Depot. Every time a customer asked for help finding something, it didnt matter where that item was actually located, he always had the same response.
Hed point toward the rear of the store and say, Aisle B. Back.
My wife gave me the worst disrespect this morningNormally, she rolls her eyes or groans when I make jokes. Par for the course.
But this morning, she's watching Tiktok, the dude in the video said: "my friend Tony told me to never say his name backwards, I said, 'why not?'" and she bursts out laughing.
I get no respect.
Why shouldnt you eat a clock?
Because its very time-consuming.
A friend asked how I feel about spinning in circles and blowing air.
I said Im not a fan
I just applied for life insurance, and they asked me, Sir, do you participate in any dangerous activities? I replied...
Yes, sometimes I disagree with my wife!
I keep saying things like 'heavens to betsy' and 'you'll get more flies with honey than vinegar '.
I have to finally admit that old adage is setting in.
It's like my mom always told me...
"You might not be the dumbest guy in the world, but you better hope he doesn't die."
My friends all tell me Im really bad at subtraction.
I dont know what to take away from those comments.
What did Ivan Drago say when he found out his wife wanted to change her hair color?
If she dyes, she dyes
Not all math puns are funny
just sum!
The former Nazi soldier applied for a job in the animal hospital.
After all, he is a veteran aryan.
PastaDid you hear about the guy who tried to get an award for his performance in a Broadway play by bribing the judges with pasta?
Yeah. He tried to rigatoni!
I accidentally ate my trumpet
I can't stop tooting
What do you call a boy mermaid?
A MerButler
Our local pharmacy is having a clearance sale on laxatives.
Everything must go!
My neighbor gifted me a little willow tree, hoping one day it will be pleasant to sit under. In return I gifted him a little maple tree, hoping the same for him.
It's a good practice to exchange Pleasant Trees.
A guy tried told me he is a failed stand up comedian. I asked why did you fail? Did you sit down?
Idk if this joke belongs here
Apparently Jeffrey Dahmer used to keep a blender on his front porch.
He liked to greet guests with a warm hand shake.
8yo son said this yesterday. Made me proudDad, what's a vampires least favorite snack?
Sunchips
Why was the pharao very confused?
Because his daddy became a mummy.
As women get older they begin to collect things
Its called many paws