What STD do Jedi's catch?
Sithilis
I bought a Russian advent calendar.
Every time you open a window, an oligarch falls out.
Why is it easy to break up with a stormtrooper?
He'll never know what he's missing.
I got my husband a "get better" card.
He's not ill, he just really could get better.
Why is South Korea the only country that will get into heaven?
Its the only country with a Seoul!
A guy calls a handyman in a panic: "Help! My front doorknob has been stolen! I can't get in my own home!"
The handyman replies: "Don't worry, I'll handle it."
Why can't we all stand up as one and say no more vaccines?
Having polio makes it hard to stand
Why do geese fly south in winter?
because it would take longer if they walked
I told my coworkers I was going to start a band called "1023MB"
we havent gotten a gig yet.
What do you call a crocodile that raps ?
Rap-tile
Daughter made me so proud
We're playing a game where there are words on cards (Codenames, for the curious) and the card with the word "row" was slightly askew. So she reached out to straighten it, and said she "row"tated it (accentuating the "row" part of the word. Proud dad!
I saw chicken tongue on the breakfast menu and thought, Disgusting! Why would anyone ever eat something that came out of a chickens mouth??
So I got some eggs
What did the electrician's wife say when her husband came home late from work?
Wire you insulate
I was going to make a pun about a Brit winning the F1 World Championship
But I was worried the joke might not Lando.
How many phones does an amoeba have?
One.
Its a single cell organism.
Whats a bees favorite type of candy?Bumble-gum
(Written by my son when he was 6)
What do you call a camel with no humps?
Humphrey
For the first time ever my wife took the window seat on the plane.
Aisle be darned.
What did the stoner say when he proposed?
Marriage - you wanna?
what do you call a woman with no arms and no legs on a tennis court?
A net... and who keeps making all that racket?!
Which pizza place only serves pizza with small fish on it?
Domminnows
My face in the mirror isnt wrinkled or drawn.
My house isnt dirty. The cobwebs are gone. My garden looks lovely and so does my lawn. I think I might never put my glasses back on.
How do blind people write their name in the snow?
Braille of course.
What the other ice cream cone call the one who refuse to get wet?
Silly cone
Samurai Boss
When my Samurai boss tells me to go harakiri, do I get severance pay?