Asked my wife to set up her dumbest single friend, Gina, to go on a date with my dumbest single friend Ralf.
Asked my wife to set up her dumbest single friend, Gina, to go on a date with my dumbest single friend Ralf. Gina shows up and Ralf says I like your blonde hair, is that natural. Gina replied: No, I wore this wig for our blonde date....how did you know? Ralph takes off his dark glasses and folds up his guide cane and says, oh, sorry, I thought it was a blind date.

IKEA Murder
My teenager had to write up a description of a crime scene for a forensics class. I suggested a crime scene inside an IKEA, where a jerk manager was bludgeoned by an employee, using a vase or something that has a vaguely Swedish name.

My middle-schooler: Ah, yes. The Mnkll.

I tried to come up with a carpentry pun, but it took me a long time to find one that woodwork.
I think I nailed it!

A friend of mine makes Moebius strips for living.
It is a strange way to make ends meet.

I have to brag
I was at an art festival with my girlfriend this weekend. At a jewelry booth a woman walked up and asked if they had a claddagh. (Irish love ring.) The booth owner asked, "What's a claddagh?" Before anyone could respond I immediately said "What's a claddagh with you?"

My girlfriend laughed. I was so happy.

My lifelong dream was to have beautiful girls screaming my name
But to be honest, hearing "Dad!" all day is starting to get old.

I have a major problem with Indian bread
My wife said it's a naan-issue, but I better curry up and figure it out.

What do you call a lycanthrope who sells reusable containers?
A Tupperwerewolf.

If a one-L lama is a holy man, and a two-L llama is an animal, whats a three-L lllama?
Turns out, its a big fire in Boston.

What do you call a constipated condiment?
Mustard

I asked a street artist to draw me next to the most obnoxious person he could think of.
When he handed it to me, I was beside myself.

Just came up with this one
Ouch i accidentally broke a tooth. I need it fixed.
I need acci-dental insurance
Ik its lame but arent they all?

As a fat person, Im on the moral high ground roughly 90% of the time.
Because Im usually the bigger person.

What do you call a robbery where the robbers left no stains or fingerprints?
Stainless steal

What did the snowman have for breakfast?
Ice Crispies.

My kid came up crying at the beach, holding his tiny sand bucket next to his older sisters huge one. Its not fair!! I looked at the two and said, Wow
Its pails in comparison.

What's the Pope's favorite scent?
Pope-pourri

Someone tried to tell me a joke about Michael Jackson songs
And I told them to Beat It.

What did Dracula tell the waiter?
I don't like stake.

Sent this to my kids. Me: Knock knock
You. Whos there?

Me. Hike

You. Hike who?

Me: Unsuspecting kids

Dad waiting with bated breath

Sets the perfect trap

People are like onions...
If you chop them up into tiny pieces, everyone nearby starts crying.

My friend told me about his new invention: A thought controlled air freshener. I said, "I just don't see how you're gonna market that."
He said, "Well...it makes scents if you think about it."

I was at the airport and noticed the singer from Jane's Addiction out of the corner of my eye
I saw him with my Perry Farrell vision

Try as hard as I might, I couldn't for the life of me remember how to throw a boomerang...
... then, all of a sudden, it just came back to me!

Dad do you mind if I put something on the tv?
Sure but I don't think the wall mount will support anything too heavy.