Why is the letter E the only letter to receive gifts from Santa?
The other letters are not e.

I had the snip because I didn't want anymore children...
But when I got home they were still there.

If Darth Vader always wears a mask, how does he eat?
He is force fed.

My friends keep telling me about how he can print a gun with his 3D printer.
Im not impressed, Ive had a Canon printer for years.

Got fired from the Viagra factory after being accused of stealing.
Guess they dont want hard workers

A famous chocolatier developed a new product line with 50% less moisture
Dryer Lindt

Why is the shower head so happy?
Every naked person he sees turns him on

Why did the communist fail school?
He got bad Marx.

This coffee shop got my order wrong! They gave me the wrong creamer, the wrong flavor, the wrong size...
They even got my name wrong!

How does the moon cut its hair?
Eclipse it

How was Swedens best tennis player created?
He was Bjorn.

Haha I'll see myself out

I bought my wife a revolving chair.
At first she hated it, but I sat her in it and she is slowly coming round.

What cheese is made backwards?
Edam

My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, NOT THE KRYPTONITE! and I said, Thats Superman
Thanks, man, he replied, Ive been practicing it a lot.

A disgruntled wife approaches her programmer husband.
You know, sometimes I think you like programming more than you like me, She says to him.

My darling, he says in response. In my array of interests, you are number [1].

A slow night drive with lofi beats and the passenger seat makes you sleep like a 5-year-old...
until my wife says, "What's the 5-year-old doing in the driving seat?"

Do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge my phone in my honda?
Best Buy employee: A cord?

Me: No it's a Civic.

As a family we learned today that lightning bugs are actually beetles.
So I told my wife and son. "Well they still have lightning in their butts, so I guess they're just Volts-Wagon Beetles"

Son: Who do seagulls fly over the sea?
Dad: If they flew over the bay, theyd be bagels!

What do you call a philosophical priest?
A deep friar..

How about a farty priest filled with gas?

An air friar.

How about one who likes bread?

A pan friar.

(Ill walk myself out of the kitchen)

I know Forrest Gump's password
1Forrest1

I'm very proud of the work I did on my coffee business.
I built it from grounds up.

How do robots eat guacamole?
With microchips

Which mobile operator do the Jedi use?
Yodaphone

Why is being blind worse than being deaf?
I don't know, it just sounds worse?