Scientists have recently noticed that crows are not making as much noise.
Researchers are busy looking for the cause.
Did you know trees poop in the woods?
Yup, it's how we get Number 2 pencils...
How long can you live without drinking water?
Your entire life.
How beautiful was Mount Rushmore before it was sculpted?
Its beauty was unpresidented.
Dad where did humans come from?God made us
But mom said we came from Apes
She's talking about her family, I'm telling you about mine
Today I turned 32 but I only celebrated for 30 seconds.
After all it's my thirty-second birthday!
I told my therapist I think Im addicted to Instagram.
She said, Im sorry. I dont think Im following you.
What is the most dangerous kind of canoe?A volcanoe
[I'm looking for more puns like this where its a word in word pun/joke. It doesn't have to be a canoe joke. ]
BadjokeMy son is helping me troubleshoot some Python code not working on my PC.
So we figured we better reload the software and I noticed that it's downloading Python ver 3.14.
"Oh version 3.14... guess maybe they should have called it *Pi-thon*" I said.
"Guess what -- they did!"
"No, I meant "P", "I" "thon"
you know, cuz it's ver 3.14"
Big sigh.
(I like to think it's because he's not a dad yet, but it's really just because its terrible)
I guess I *code* have done better for sure.
Hopefully my son learned from this. No matter how crappy a dadjoke is, its our duty to be persistent and capitalize on every opportunity.
What did the magician say to his assistant after the show?
"You're not half the woman you used to be!"
They call New York the big apple
Thats because Minnesota is where the Minneapolis.
Twice a week
Twice a week a guy shows up a border crossing on a motorcycle with a sand bag in each saddle bag. Dogs dont hit on it, inspections never find anything. Still twice a week this dude shows up at the crossing. Finally a border agent says to him " Listen man we all know you must be smuggling something just none of us can figure it out. Todays my last day before retirement and I have to know. I won't say anything to anyone but my curiosity is killing me. What on earth are you smuggling? Guy leans in and says "Motorcycles "
Lost my job as a masseuse today
Manager said I rubbed people the wrong way
Terrorist arrested for vandalizing the reflecting pool in Washington, DC
They were members of algae-da.
Happened in the Caribbean
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea one called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian,
Im fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldnt have any worries about being eaten.
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, Your wish is granted and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.
All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin didnt realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldnt see his old pal.
Wheres Christian? he asked. Hes at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark, came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christians abode.
As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back.
He banged on the door and shouted, Its me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.
Christian replied, No way man, youll eat me. Youre now a shark, the enemy, and Ill not be tricked into being your dinner.
Justin cried back No, Im not. That was the old me. Ive changed.
Ive found Cod. Im a prawn again Christian
Tour of duty in Kuwaitl A young American soldiers first tour of duty was in an undeveloped area of Kuwait discovered that things were rather strict and spare. He was able to distract himself for the first few days but soon started to get a little bit antsy
Finally, feeling rather embarrassed, he approached another soldier.
"Listen, man," the newly arrived soldier whispered, "I was a teenager once. I know how to 'take care of things' without much for inspiration, but come on! There must be something around here to help ease the tension.
"You're using a lot of euphemisms," the seasoned soldier responded.
"Shut up and tell me the secret," answered the new soldier.
"Well, which do you want me to do?"
The newly arrived soldier rolled his eyes. "Just tell me!"
After glancing around to make sure that no one wad listening, the seasoned soldier leaned in close.
"Okay, listen: Out behind the barracks there's a tree. Tied to that tree is a camel. When you're feeling... you know..."
Before the seasoned solider could finish, the newly arrived soldier made a sound of disgust and pulled away. "That's horrible!" he shouted and strutted off in a huff.
Still, as the sun set and the young soldier found it increasingly impossible to fall asleep, he decided to bite the proverbial bullet and give the local remedy
a try. He sneaked out behind the barracks and sure enough, there was a camel tied to a tree there.
After taking a few deep breaths (and finding a bucket on which to stand), the soldier dropped his pants. The next several minutes of this joke have been removed for decency's sake, but suffice it to say the soldier finally got some rest that night.
The following morning the newly arrived solider approached the seasoned soldier who told him about the camel.
"Well, I did it," he said. "It wasn't as bad as I thought."
"Yeah, you get used to it," the seasoned soldier replied.
My first time, though, I thought
that camel ride to the brothel would last forever."
I have no idea how dishwasher tablets work
Ive already taken 5 of them and I dont feel like doing the dishes
Three pregnant women are in the waiting room waiting for their first ultrasound...Brunette: "I know I'm going to have a boy, because my husband was on top."
Redhead: "I know it's gonna be a girl 'cause I was on top."
Blonde: "Oh no, I'm having puppies..."
Its another hot day, so ive walked upstairs, taken all my clothes off and opened every window...
I feel so much better, although the other people on the double decker bus don't seem so pleased!
The Uncle's Creative NamingA heavily pregnant woman goes into labor unexpectedly while her husband is deployed overseas with the military. Her loyal brother rushes her to the hospital, promises to take care of everything, and stays by her side.
Unfortunately, complications arise during the delivery, and the woman has to be put into a temporary medical coma to safely deliver the babies. The procedure goes perfectly, and she gives birth to a beautiful, healthy set of twinsa boy and a girl.
Because the mother is asleep and the father cannot be reached, the hospital staff informs the brother that someone needs to fill out the birth certificates and officially name the children before the end of the day. The brother proudly takes on the responsibility, signs the paperwork, and leaves.
Two days later, the woman finally wakes up from her coma. She feels great, her vitals are perfect, and the doctor walks into her room with a warm smile.
"Congratulations!" the doctor says. "You are the mother of a perfectly healthy baby boy and a baby girl!"
The woman cries tears of joy. "Oh, thank goodness! Where is my husband? Where is my brother?"
"Your husband is still in transit," the doctor explains, "but your brother was here for the delivery. In fact, since we needed to finalize the paperwork while you were asleep, we had your brother officially choose the names for the twins."
The womans jaw drops, and terror fills her eyes. "Oh no! You let my brother name them? He is an absolute idiot! He plays video games all day and has the worst sense of humor imaginable! What on earth did he name my poor baby girl?"
The doctor smiles reassuringly. "Don't worry, I actually think it's quite pretty. He named your daughter Denise."
The woman pauses, sighs with massive relief, and relaxes back into her pillow. "Oh... wow. Denise. That is actually beautiful. I love it! Okay, maybe I misjudged him. So, what did he name my baby boy?"
The doctor shrugs and says, "Denephew."
Have you seen the new sequel to "James and the Giant Peach" with a soundtrack by Bon Jovi
It's called "Livin' on a Pear"
Birds.
What kind of bird steals soap from the bath?
A robber duck!
My wife said to have peace in the home, we need to leave our problems at the doorI totally agreed
Now, Im locked outside
People told me to do what I love and the money will follow.
Four kids later, Im still waiting on the money.
Why don't skeletons fight each other?
They don't have the guts.