Did you know that Spider-Man has a Winter jacket made out of flatbread?
It's a Pita Parka

It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But harder to deter gents.

where do you find Bigfoot in the library?
in the large print section

What's another name for an Asian assassin?
Chinese take-out

My wife looked out the window and asked, How did you finally get our lawn to grow like that? I said, Every morning this week, I sprinkled my protein powder on the wet grass.
She nodded. Ah well that was whey over dew.

Auto-targeting the enemy is not a new technology.
It was made a sentry ago

Running.
Got up this morning and ran around the block 5 times.

Then I got tired, so I picked up the block and put it back in the toy box.

I'm really good at spelling bees
Bees B E E S bees

Job interview
A guy is interviewing for a job at a factory. During the interview, he spots a dime on the floor across the room, walks over and picks it up.
The interviewer says, "You know what, I think you'd make a great boss here."
Surprised, the guy asks, "Why's that?"
The interviewer says because you have super vision skills.

King Kong wasnt getting his point across to his fellow primates.
This is a monarchy! he barked. Not a Banana Republic!

Rice-shaped pasta? Doesn't exist
Orzo I thought.

My Italian grandma gave me an old family recipe for spaghetti
It's been pasta down through generations

I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick instead of her lipstick the other day.
She's still not talking to me.

My father always told me the best way to build a career is to dress for the job you want, not the one you have.
It didn't go very well when I turned up to the office in a Space suit.

One of the monkeys became a spiritual leader.
He's a guruilla now.

(First day as a vet)
Me: What seems to be the problem

Cat: Meow

Me: Yes, but where?

Why is Apple's new folding phone a cracking good deal?
Because the price is great, but the design is completely unhinged.

I crossed cheetah and crab DNA.
It went sideways really fast.

IT IS MILDLY SHOCKING that those who call themselves a FLORIST,...
...know ABSOLUTELY nothing about installing linoleum.

Whats made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones

No one looks better than you in that reddish-orange dress.
Youre one in vermillion!

My wife swears she can hear our baby from three miles away. I told her that's ridiculous.
Honestly, it's a far cry from the truth.

Iamonthemoonandthereisnowheretogetabeer
.

Thereisnospacebar.

Whats the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One weighs a ton, and the other is a little lighter