I had a car accident the other day. The driver was a dwarf. He got out and said he was not happy.
So I said, which one are you then?

Sunday was a sad day
But the day before was a Sadder Day

Apparently the W fell off the door for the womens restroom.
Its not a good sign.

Had to repost due to spelling correction sabotage.

I know that Argentina plays Messi.
But I didnt realize they played Dirty too.

On his deathbed, my grandfather said, Remember these two words. Theyll open a lot of doors for you in life.
"Push and Pull."

just got hospitalized for being cringe.
they put me in the awk ward.

[META] My dad created a group text for dad jokes.
My dad and I don't text or talk on the phone often, except for occasional sports talk, but over the past couple of years he started sending me and my brother the occasional dad joke in a group text. My mom has said that he sometimes spends a lot of time thinking of one and is pretty proud to show her when it gets a good reaction from us. Both his mom and dad died over the last year, and since then he added my cousin to the group as well. We all send jokes on occasion, and whenever there is a particularly good one, we'll riff on it for the whole day. I'm never deleting that text chain as long as I live. This subreddit has given me some gold whenever I really just want to stay in touch with the three of them. Just wanted to say thanks for that. You're doing the Lord's work.

Whats the point of Rorschach tests?
I dont know what other people see in them.

Had my wife howling with this Labyrinth joke...
We've had problems with ants appearing on our cooker recently, and we can't figure out where from.

After yet another night, my wife was ranting, "I don't understand it, where are these ants coming from???"

I said: "David Bowie would know."

She said: "Umm, what?

I started singing "ANTS, magic ants, maaagic ants, magic ants, maaagic ants..."

I tried to walk like an Egyptian..
Now I need Cairo Practor..

A man drives his boat out to sea to a nearby fishing spot.
He catches a fish on the very first cast. When he pulls it in, the fish begins talking to him.

I could hear your boat coming 10 minutes ago. This is because sound travels four times faster in seawater than air. Researchers say this is also why whales can communicate hundreds of miles apart.

The fisherman says, Wow, youre a really intelligent fish!

The fish says, Im really here to distract you from catching the rest of my family. Because Im a read herring.

Why is GenZ so happy to see Tom Hiddleston in the Avengers: Doomsday trailer?
Because he's lowk their favorite.

My barber told me some terrible news. He said he couldn't cut my hair any longer...
He said he could only cut it shorter.

I Finally Cracked the Illusive 3 Word Joke (my personal record for shortest joke)
Watches are handy

I like it because you get a triple play on the handy: handy as in convenient, handy as in the watch has hands, and handy as in a wrist is near your hand, making it handy.

Anyway, do you have any 3 word jokes or shorter? This is my personal record, but I love joke craft so hit me with em.

My dad used to say to me 'when one door closes another one opens'
He was a great philosopher but a terrible cabinet maker.

Why cant you send a duck to outer space?
Because the bill would be astronomical.

BREAKING: Iran just torpedoed its own submarine in the Strait of Hormuz, killing all 100 sailors on board.
Oops wrong sub.

yeah

Don't invest in the lollipop business...
That market's for suckers.

I freaked out my kids when I taught them what the part of our hands to our elbows are called.
They never realized humans have forearms.

Note: Based on a true story.

A reproductive health clinic has a sign that reads
For family planning and contraception, come through the back door

I put a matchbox car in my underwear this morning
It's been driving me nuts all day

Have you seen those new belts made out of watches?
They're a complete waist of time.

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

So they did.

Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.