Old man sitting on his porch sees a boy walk by with a glass jar.He says "Hey boy, where you going with that jar?"
Boy says "I'm going to the Honeysuckle to get some honey."
Old man says "You can't get honey from Honeysuckle."
Little bit later he sees the boy walking back with a jar of honey.
Next day he sees the same boy with a bowl.
"Hey boy, where you going with that bowl?"
"I'm going down to the Buttercups to get some butter."
"You don't get butter from Buttercups", the old man says.
Little bit later the boy walks by with a bowl full of butter.
Next day the old man sees the boy again, but he's not carrying anything.
"Where you off to today, son?"
"I'm going down to the pussywillows..."
Old man interrupts, "Hold on son, I'm coming with you!"
Why is sex like math?
You add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray you dont multiply.
What is it called when a chameleon can't change colour?
A reptile dysfunction
The guy who stole my diary died yesterday.
My thoughts are with his family.
(My 19 yo daughter just made this up and Im so proud!) How can you tell if you are having dinner with a termite?
They order the house salad.
I won an award for most modest person.
But I don't think I can accept.
How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of crime?
They just ransomware
My father worked 12 hours every day just to put food on the table.
Amazing man, but slowest cook ever.
My dad wasnt the worlds greatest proctologist
But he was right up there
Did you know Mozart killed all of his chickens?
It's because whenever he asked them who their favorite composer was, all they'd say was Bach! Bach! Bach!
I accidently glued myself to my autobiography.
That's my story and im sticking to it !
How do you turn a duck into a 1970s Soul Singer?
Put it in the oven until its bill withers
Mountains are not funny
They are hill areas
What do you call the rich people of North Korea?
The Chosin ones.
Elton John bought a treadmill for his pet rabbit.
Its a little fit bunny.
iPad :(
I hate it when you can't figure out how to operate the iPad and the resident tech expert is asleep.
Because he's 5.
My grandfather worked as an elevator repairman for over 30 years. I thought of doing the same thing and asked him if he enjoyed it.
He said It had its ups and downs. Some days someone was always pressing your buttons but overall it was an uplifting job.
Some people consider me to be a fraudulent realtor
But I'm a real estate agent.
What kind of houses do mathematicians live in?
Cos-y log cabins.
If your child is becoming addicted to trigonometry, you need to intervene as soon as possible.
Do not ignore the sines.
Why dont skeletons ever have sex?
Because they dont have the guts but they still get boned every night.
Which animal can tell time?A clockodile
- My sweet sweet son
Why are there so few comics who do stand-up over Zoom?
Theyre not even remotely funny.
How did the hot dog go camping?
In his wiener-bago
My dad, after a coughing fit while smoking:
Damn, I really need to quit coughing.