My girlfriend told me that sex is much better on vacation.
That wasnt a very nice postcard to receive.

What do you call an illiterate nazi?
Anti-semantic

Timmy: Mommy, I don't want to go to school today. The kids all bully me and call me names and stuff.
Mommy: Now come on Timmy, you know you have to go in. After all, you're the headmaster.

In other news...
...the sexual position formerly known as 69 will be replaced with 96.

Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up.

My deaf girlfriend told me she feels sick
that's not a good sign

Whenever I get self-conscious in social situations, I reach into my pocket and rub a tiny rock.
Then I start feeling a little boulder.

Siri, why am I so bad at relationships with women?
This is Alexa.

My boss is threatening to fire the employee who has the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.

What do you call an over used werewolf plot device?
A lycan trope

What do you call a guy who is even more laidback than Jeffery Lebowski?
Subdued

My girlfriend and I were setting up camp when we heard someone screaming Help! Help me! from deep in the woods. I immediately dropped what I was doing, wrapped myself in a giant warm pita, and while I slathered on tzatziki sauce, my girlfriend pleaded, Please, stop!
You dont always have to be a gyro.

I cant remember what chronic means
Its been bothering me for years

During our team meeting at work, my boss asked me anything else from your end? I said
Not until tomorrow morning after coffee

What does the carrot use to brush his teeth?
Tuber toothpaste

If youre planning to groom a hairy dog, make sure you set aside enough time.
It takes fur-ever!

It took years of study, but...
...Ive finally memorized all the words to 'Tequila' by The Champs.

What did the Indian kid say after the substitute teacher tried to kick him out?
Na imma stay

Peeing your pants isn't really that big a deal
It's just a wee mistake

Did you hear about the Barbarian Warrior Dad?
He obtained an extremely large, very sharp battle ax - his weapon of choice, and named it.

...Kindness.

One I just remembered from a long time ago
About 25 years ago Esa-Pekka Salonen
was the director of the LA Philharmonic. At the time I took a girl I was dating to see them. I got the best seats I could afford back then, which were the ones way way in the back. When he came out on stage, we could barely see him and I said Oh look, its a speck a Salonen.

What road do Italians take to go to a funeral ?
Pasta Way.

Why aren't French fries actually cooked in France?
Because they are cooked in Greece

Daughter: I don't want to get up and get ready, I'm too tired.
Me: No you're not, otherwise you'd be a bicycle.

My father always said, "When one door closes another one opens."
He was a terrific father and a terrible cabinet maker.