An ion walks into a bar
looking very glum.

Whats up? asks the barkeep.
I think I lost an electron, replies the ion, gloomily.
Are you sure?
Yes, the ion says, Im positive.

This is my cake day joke. Please clap!

A man walks into a bar holding a tiny piano with a tiny man playing it
The bartender says, Where did you find that?

Theres a magic lamp just outside with a genie that grants wishes, the man replies.

The bartender runs outside, grabs the lamp, rubs it, and says, I wish for a million bucks!

All of a sudden, ducks begin falling from the sky.

Confused, the bartender shouts, I said bucks, not ducks!

The man shrugs. Did you think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?

My wife forced me to go to the chiropractor, after years of me telling her he couldn't help my hunched back
I stand corrected.

What household product is best to keep men away?
Detergent

Yo mama is so fat, when she went to the optometrist, she was diagnosed with:
Assbigmatism

I don't know why people rate Excel very badly
Personally, I give it October the tenth.

My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall..
But it was his dumb asphalt

Calendar.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my new calendar.

I'm dismayed.

My friend and I argued about which vowel is the best.
I think I won.

But it could have been U.

I have a bad habit of running red lights.
I really need to stop.

My adult daughter was questioned by her baby sister about her many dad jokes. "You're a girl," sissy said, "You're never gonna be a dad!" My daughter hung her head, "yeah, you're right..."
I guess I'm just a faux pa.

Not a blonde joke
A scatter-brained woman is a passenger on a small plane when the pilot suddenly faints...she frantically calls out a May Day over the radio. "Someone please help...my pilot has passed out and I don't know how to fly this plane!" A voice from the radio responds, "This is Air Traffic Control. I hear you loud and clear. Don't worry, I'll talk you through this and get you back on the ground. Everything will be fine! Can you tell me your height and position?" She replies..."I'm 5'4" and in the front seat."

In honour of the renamed Lake America, I propose that Jack-o-lanterns be renamed
Trumpkins.

Which US state is the best to visit to learn about consent?
Alaska

Book I read.
I read a book about a week back. It was written by a chiropractor.

I've always wanted to learn to juggle.
I just have never had the balls to try it.

The EMT's were called to the airport to assist a woman who passeed out on the luggage carousel.
When they arrived they found her slowly coming around.

I asked my dog whats two minus two...
He said nothing.

Where do you take a sick pony?
The horsepital.

Whats the most popular Canadian Flat Earther newspaper?
The Disk and Mail

The Bible says being gay is fine, as long as you're high.
"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."

Leviticus 20:13

What's the deadliest thing you can measure?
Die-ameter.

My friend asked me if I can tie a piece of rope
I said I can knot