I was on a date with a woman who kept randomly interjecting our conversation with opinions. They dont make bedsheets like they used to. Quilting is boring. Duvet covers arent worth the money.
Finally I said, Youve got to stop making blanket statements.
My wife says Im getting fat, but in my defense:
Ive had a lot on my plate recently.
Last night in bed, my girlfriend was mumbling about being born in 1892 and writing the Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings
I thought: 'she's Tolkien in her sleep again.'
40 years ago today, l asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend and the most gorgeous woman l know to marry me.
All three said no.
If you cut off your Left Arm...Your Right Arm will be left.
Edit: Corrected a typo
40 years ago today, l asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend and the most gorgeous woman l know to marry me.
All three said no
A boy was walking down the street carrying a burlap sack......something inside the sack was wiggling. A man stopped him and asked what was in the sack.
"My puppies, see?" The man says "Those are some very cute puppies, what are their names?"
"That's Fido, and that is Spot, and that one is Liberace." "Liberace! That's an odd name for a puppy. Why Liberace?"
"He's the pianist of the bunch."
A clown held a door open for me.
I thought that was a nice jester.
The clown I hired for my kids birthday just crapped on the living room floor.
Only the kids think that shit is funny.
Why did the math teacher only date integers?
He liked to keep his relationships discreet
Every fortune teller I've ever met is either incredibly depressing or way too enthusiastic.
Why is it so hard to find a happy medium?
What do call a pig that knows karate?
A pork chop
Gender explained with biblical characters
XY is Adam
XX is Eve
YYY is Delila.
Why dont elephants use computers?
They are afraid of the mouse
Fever is at the top of the list of worst symptoms for illness.
While constipation is a solid number two.
What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say to his chef when he saw the vegetables were not prepped?
GET TO THE CHOPPER!
Jed comes home from college for summer break
As Jed walks in the door, he asks his brother Zeke "Where's my cat?"
Zeke replies "Cats dead!"
Jed takes the news hard: "You can't just spring something like that on me! Couldn't you have broken it to me gently?"
"Like how?" Zeke asks.
"Lead up to it or something, like: 'Well, the cat ran out the back door, and then he got up on the roof, and we couldn't get him down...'."
"Gotcha" Zeke replies. "Sorry about that".
"That's ok" Jed says Where's Dad?"
"Um well, Dad ran out the back door, and then he got up on the roof..."
Waiter this coffee tastes like mud.
That's funny sir, it was only ground this morning.
Really glad Ive never contracted dysentery
That would be the shits.
Why couldnt the duck cross the road?
Because he got his foot stuck in a quack.
For the last several weeks I've been emptying the used coffee filters at my job and taking it home for my gardenApparently my manager found out and he called me into his office yesterday and told me they had to let me go.
It turns out it was grounds for termination
I asked my son whats 2 minus 2
He said nothing
I bought some velcro It's a ripoff.
If a sugar daddy spoils you...If a sugar daddy spoils you, what does a salt daddy do?
Preserve you
Breakfast SnakeMy 9 month old daughter was eating a banana this morning and was taking some seriously large bites. My wife said she looked like a snake unhinging its jaw. To which I said
"Shes a Bananaconda!"
I felt the collective eye roll from the entire household lol.