My son came home from winter break and I told him it felt like an entury since Id seen him. He goes, "What the heck does entury mean?"
I said, "Long time, no C."

A conversation on an airplane
A devout Catholic man boarded a plane and was really dreading the long flight ahead. All of a sudden the pope boarded and was ushered to the seat next to him.

As the man thought about how best to conduct himself and what to say the pope took out a golf pencil and started doing a crossword puzzle.

Wow, His Holiness does crossword puzzles? the man thought. I hope he asks me for help. That'll be my in for a wonderful conversation!

Sure enough, after about 10 minutes the pope leaned over and asked, Do you know a four-letter word for a woman that ends in U-N-T?"

Oh no. The man was speechless. He sat there, thinking The pope won't speak to me if I say what first came to mind. Then the lightbulb came on Oh!" he said. "AUNT. The word you're looking for is 'aunt', Your Holiness."

The pope nodded. "Ah, of course. Do you have an eraser?"

Remember to poop before midnight on dec 31
You dont want to be carrying the same $h!t into 2026.

What do you call a network of shy people
A nervous system

Today I learned that Stephen King has a son named Joe.
Im not joking, but he is.

Why doesn't the sun need to go to university?
Because it has 27 million degrees

I have good and bad news, the doctor said to his patient. Give me the good news first, the patient said. Your test results are back, the doctor said, and you have only two days to live. Thats the good news? the patient exclaimed. Whats the bad news?
Ive been trying to reach you for two days!!!

I got lost while running a marathon in Sweden.
I knew it as soon as I crossed the Finnish line.

Bible study
9-year old Joeys mother asked what hed learned in Sunday school that morning.

Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.

When he got to the Red Sea he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.

Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.

Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you? his mother smiled.

Joey fidgeted and said, Well, no, Mom. But if I told it the way the teacher told it you'd never believe it!

When i get naked in the bathroom.
The shower gets turned on!

Where do cows go for entertainment?
The mooooovies!

What do you call a fish with four eyes?
Fiiiish

I went to the doctors with hearing problems
The doctor asked me to describe my symptoms so I say,

'Well Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair."

My friend told me he does not understand how cloning works
I said that makes 2 of us

I went to the doctors with hearing problems
They couldn't understand what I said

Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil
Because it's pointless

RIP to the pigeons
Did you hear about the guy who caused the death of a pair of pigeons by yelling at them really loudly?

Yeah, I was surprised too, but I guess its possible to kill two birds with ones tone

Did you hear about the English teacher who went to jail?
She got a full sentence.

I got addicted to raw food
I had to stop cold turkey

Every time I turn on my earphones, I hear charge status Battery High.
I, without thinking, say back "Hi!". Today, a lady next to me in the plane replied, "Hi! How are you?"

"Why did you decide to become an editor?"
"Well, to cut a long story short..."

A man has been stealing wheels off cop cars.
The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

How does Santa know which chimney he went down?
He keeps a log.

Ive lost control. I dont see an end. There is no escape. I dont even have a home anymore.
Guess its time for a new keyboard.