My girlfriend told me that sex is much better on vacation.
That wasnt a very nice postcard to receive.

What do you call it when two monkeys get together and find out they're perfect for each other?
Prime mates.

I just opened up a new archeological museum. What is it called?
Remains to be seen...

I went to a Indian restaurant last night.
After I had ordered, a little old lady came to me and said, "Aren't you polite. You have such lovely manners."

It was my complimentary nan

How did the HVAC installer avoid getting hit in the head?
He duct

Where do bank robbers buy their getaway cars?
At the flee market.

I was going to tell you a joke about a vegan girl
But I'm sure it's one you've herbivore.

The other day a guy asked me, "Are those thick lens glasses you've got on there?"
I said, "No. They're mine."

My ex wife used to hit me with stringed instruments...
If only I had known she had a history of violins

What do you call an illiterate nazi?
Anti-semantic

My half-brother and I got in trouble the other day
We're no longer allowed to play with the chainsaw

Help me dads!
I work a customer facing position in a mine. Nonetheless, it has to be clean, and id prefer funny. I made the mistake of telling a couple nice ones from this sub, and now its expected! Agh! The pressure is awful! I love that people now want a silly dad joke , (which im serious about), but i am not a dad! I dont have them! Can you guys help me? The best ones are simple and short. Like, what three letter word starts with gas? Car! Why dont monsters eat ghosts? Because they taste like sheet! That ones a little close to HR, but you get the idea. Seasonal ones are awesome. It makes peoples day a little softer on the intro. Please help me!

What can you hear at the DMV that you'd also hear in anime?
This isn't even my final form!!!

We were wrapping up breakfast at Cracker Barrel when the server approached my elderly father, I can take your plate if youre done eating. He replied, Eh? Whit did ye say? She leaned in and spoke louder, SIR, ARE YOU FINISHED?
He frowned, Och, hell naw! Ahm fae Scotland!!

Whats the difference between my kids overcrowded elementary school cafeteria and the dad jokes posted here?
One has terrible lunchlines.

Why do witches wear name tags?
So that they can tell witch is which!

I ain't fancy like Elon Musk
So I put a gallon of apple juice in my pickup and called it a Cider Truck.

I got mugged by six dwarves last night.
Not Happy.

I heard cattle ranchers are mad at the current US administration. They should vote for their own interests for once...
The steaks couldn't be higher.

For Halloween, I want my son to dress like a locksmith.
For Halloween, I want my son to dress
like a locksmith.
But he thinks it would look doorkey.

So I've recently started a vegan diet.
And I'm actually surprised how much meat these vegans have on their bones.

Did you hear about the possessed cold cut?
It was a gabaghoul.

What do you get when you cut a nagila into two equal bits?
Two of half a nagila.

The Avignon Popes had a slogan for their rule-of-life
"Change the see you want to be."

Theres a new music TV show featuring jazz and classical music
I think its just one more excuse to promote sax and violins on television.