A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets. As he walked away he turned to the cadet & said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave."
The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge, no sir! I promised myself when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"

I told my son that we were having Himalayan rabbit stew for supper.
Sounds great he said, but where did you get that rabbit???

I found Himalayan on the side of the road!

Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll?
Ken came in another box

What kind of lighting did Noah use on the ark?
Flood lights.

Before Mount Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?
Mount Everest

Know why you should not go for a cheap circumcision?
Because they are nothing but a rip off.

What do "Titanic" and "the 6th sense" have in common?
Icy dead people.

My friend really changed once she became a vegetarian
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What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claus-trophobic.

I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a big smile on her face this morning.
I'm not allowed to have Sharpies in the house anymore.

Whats the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?
One sells watches and one watches cells.

Oregon trail
You met a man on the Oregon Trail.

His name is Terry.

You laugh and tell him "That's a girl name!"

Terry shoots you.

You have died of dissin' Terry.

Why should you always bring toilet paper to gatherings?
For all the party poopers!

What is the most arrogant body part?
Your vein!

Having sex can make your day.
But having anal sex can make your hole weak...

Why do poor dogs chase their tails
Because they're trying to make ends meet

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?
He pasta way!!

I saw a bumper sticker that said, Beware of the idiot behind me.
So I followed him until I figured out who the idiot was.

In my career as a lumberjack, I cut down exactly 82,546 trees.
I know that, because I kept a log.

A horse walks into a bar.
Then a cow, a dog, a pig, a cat and a duck.

The bartender says: god damnit, I need to fix that damn door!!

What do you get when you cross an elephant and potatoes?
Mashed potatoes

What did the cannibal say after he burped?
Pardon me, must have been someone I ate

When my daughter said she found woodworking equipment at the playground, I didn't believe her.
So she dragged me over there and said, "See? Saw!"

A man was driving down a quiet country road when a rooster wandered into his path and disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers.
Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell.

A farmer appeared. The man said apologetically, I think I killed your rooster. Please allow me to replace him."

"Suit yourself," the farmer replied. "The hens are around back."

What did the electrician say when he meditated?
Ohhhhhmmmm!