My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic
But if I'm gonna have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord
A Teenage daughter is being intimate with her boyfriend...And her dad walks in.
"Dad I'm sorry" says the girl.
"Hi sorry I'm Dad" says the dad.
The dad then turns to her boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"
My girlfriend just admitted that she used to be a Christian, so I broke up with her.
I know, judgemental, but Ive only known her since she was Christine.
The other day a female janitor invited me over to smoke some weed but I declined.
I just can't deal with a high maintenance woman.
What is a prostitute's favorite brand of potato chip?
Lays
Why programmer prefer dark mode?
Because light attracts bugs
At dinner my date says, With everything going on in the world, I really need to match with someone whose views align with mine are you left-leaning like me?
I said, No sorry my legs are the same length.
If people in the concrete industry go to work parties
Are they attending cement mixers?
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time
are they guilty of resisting a rest?
Where should you take a sick rabbit?
A hopital.
What do you call a plane full of bald people?
Receding hairlines.
A bacon, egg, and cheese croissant walks into a bar..and asks for a drink.
The bartender says Im sorry buddy, youre going to have to leave, we dont serve breakfast!
A rope walks into a barBartender says, sorry we dont serve ropes here.
The rope leaves, messes up his hair and goes back in.
Bartender says, hey arent you that rope that was just in here?
Nope, Im a frayed knot.
What's faster than an escalator?
An escanow.
What do you call a medieval spy ?
Sir valance
Did you hear about the habanero wearing a sweater?
He was a little chili.
My friend was watching me eat while driving by in his car, and later we disagreed about the amount of herbs in my dish.
Must be thyme dilation.
What did the salad say when he got hit in the groin?
My balsamic
I once dated a woman with a wooden leg,
But I had to break it off. . .
If J.D. Vance took every couch in the White House and laid them end to end
I wouldnt be a bit surprised.
Just earned myself an audible groan from the wife and had to shareContext: I take our puppy out for walks really early every morning.
Wife (very serious): You need to be careful out there. Its coyote mating season and theyre roaming around.
Me: Understood. Ill do my best to be less attractive to the coyotes.
Wife: long pause audible groan
I was so proud of myself :D
Without geometry
life would be pointless!
Blonde on a coffee shopA blonde stops by a caf and gets her coffee to go. As shes about to leave, she notices a little sticker on the cup that says Peel & Win.
She peels it back, gasps, and starts jumping up and down shouting,
Ive won a motorhome! Ive won a motorhome!
The barista laughs and says, That cant be right the top prize is just a free lunch.
But the blonde wont calm down. No, no! Ive won a motorhome!
The manager comes over, takes the ticket, and says, Miss, we definitely didnt give away a motorhome.
The blonde insists, Look for yourself!
The manager reads the ticket aloud:
WIN A BAGEL.
I told my kid they can be anything they want when they grow up.They said, Even happy?
So now were both just standing there thinking.
How do you know people with foot fetishes are losers?
They love the taste of defeat