I just came across my wifes Tinder profile and Im so angry about her lies
She is not fun to be around.

I accidentally confused the words jacuzzi and yakuza
Now Im in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

If Americans smile....
Do Europeans skilometer?

If A is for apricot, B is for blueberry, what is C for?
Its an explosive.

I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the Mothership

My daughters boyfriend just Dad Joked me and Ill be honest, I think she needs to marry him.
So last night we had some storms roll through including some really wicked lightning. I still made a point to make a beer run, and when I got back I posted a video of the lightning to Facebook with a caption explaining the beer run as a context.

My daughters boyfriend responds with: It must have been pretty scary if it made your beer run.

I already knew this before she moved in with him, but I think the guys a winner, folks.

Applied so hard. And got so far.
But in the end,

I wasn't even hired.

- LinkedIn Park

Wife: I want another baby.
Husband: Thats a relief, I also really dont like this one.

My wife missed my dad joke, but others around me appreciated it:
We were catching up with some relatives when my wife told my uncle that her father had recently been promoted in his role in the Air Force. Now he's a Major, and the promotion actually came with a pay increase as well.

I said, "Woah, a pay increase? Was it a minor increase, or..."

My cousin started cracking up but my wife continued with the small talk haha.

(I often find that dad jokes are better when the punch lines are filled in by the recipient rather than the deliverer. Anyone else prefer this method of delivery?)

She choked from laughing before she fired me
A good one from out in the wild.

My wife and I are working on launching a fundraiser for a charity that buys local children Christmas gifts. Okay, it's mostly her working on the actual event, but I'm handling the promotion. We were sitting in the office, her making signs, and myself writing copy for a radio promo when I headed downstairs for a glass of root beer I asked her if she needed anything but she said no.

When I ascended the stairs back to the office she remembered something, "I should have asked you to bring the props for the signs."

I set down my glass, gave her two thumbs up and said, "Great job on the signs my love!"

Anyway, so now I'm downstairs checking Reddit because after laughing so hard she forgot how to breath I was temporarily fired. She can't look at me without laughing again.

To anyone who lost a rubber band filled with $100 bills!
I found the rubber band.

I just figured out why people say "be there or be square".
Because if you're not there, you're not a-round.

I'll never forget my Grandfathers last words to me just before he died
Are you still holding the ladder?

Someone ripped the fifth month out of my calendar
Im dismayed.

Why are former Nazis so good with animals?
Because they're all veteran Aryans

I gave my local food bank some cookies shaped like different countries.
They thanked me for the dough nations.

What do you call a Mexican who hates protein powder?
No whey Jos

The electric eel could only swim with the current because
Swimming against it proved to have too much resistance

I have a group of friends who like to dress up as German philosophers.
They're a pretty Nietzsche crowd.

People made fun of me for not watching horror movies
I didn't get IT

What'd the shirt say to the pants?
'Sup, britches?

Knock knock
Whos there?

Lil old lady

Lil old lady who?

Wow I didnt know you could yodel!

If the back end of a women is called a booty call, what do you call the top half...
A boobie trap....

Sorry, could not pass up the silly joke.

What do u get if u cross a sheep and a cow?
One very ugly animal that is always in a Baaaaah-d Mooooo-d!!

Why did the toothpaste leave its parents' house?
It got a fluoride to college