A man read 12.5% of the Bible.
He's an eightheist.

Actually, it's pronounced "jaslight".
You've been saying it wrong the whole time.

My wife lost her dictionary.
I tried comforting her, but my words seem to have no meaning to her now.

Four math professors walk into a bar
the barman asks: "do you all want a beer?"

First one says: "I don't know"

Second one says: "I don't know"

Third one says: i dont know

Fourth one says: yes please

A neighborhood pub planned a costume party & the bartender announced they must all come dressed up as their love life. On the night of the party the bartender spotted some old geezer dressed as Abraham Lincoln.
He walked over to him and said, Hey, you were supposed to come dressed up as your love life.

With a shrug and a sly grin the older man replied, Oh, I have. My four scores were seven years ago."

Ive been hosting a poker game with oversized playing cards.
Its kind of a big deal.

I finally decided I prefer crows to ravens
It was a close caw.

What do you call a sheep wrapped in plastic?
Lambinated

Did you hear about the scientists that made the worlds largest suction cup
I dont know how they manage to pull it off

What did the bra say to the hat?
You go on ahead, and I will give these two a lift."

Seen a guy standing on one leg at the ATM
​

I asked him..."What are you doing?"

He replies....."Just checking my balance".

I bought a dog from a blacksmith yesterday
As soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.

An armed man robs a bank with 2 CDs glued to his glasses. The cashier hands the man all the money and then says Got to ask, whats with the CDs?
He replies Its my disk-eyes

What's it called when you take a poop in the dark?
A spookie dookie

What pasta locks you out of your house?
Gnocchi.

I was talking to someone about countries having low birthrates and snuck this in.
Me: South Korea had the lowest birth rate but recently got theirs up a bit.

Her: I wonder which one has the lowest now.

Me: I'd have to look it up. I'll do it later.

Her: Do you know which nation has the highest?

Me experiencing sudden inspiration: I think it's the nation of Impreg.

Her not connecting the dots immediately: I haven't heard of it. Do they have a lot of people?

Me: Oh I hear they get a lot of visitors who stay less than a year but few permanent residents. I've been there. It's kinda nice. But some women hate it there.

She asked a few questions with my responses getting more ludicrous until:

Her: Ok, I have to look this place up.

Her looking at her phone: GOD DAMNIT!

Glorious.

What do you call a short-sighted dinosaur?
A doyouthinkhesaurus."

Dad, how many people work at your company?
About half of them

When I moved California 3 years ago.. I noticed everyone drinks bottled water..
I have been drinking tap water since I moved here theres nothing wrong with me. Not to mention I have been drinking tap water since I moved here theres nothing wrong with me

Why couldnt the sailors play cards at sea?
The captain was standing on the deck!

How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
You will see one later and one in a while.

Books Id like to read
Skydiving by Hope Shue-Topins

Rottweiler! By B Wearuv DAug

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes
She gave me a hug

I was on the fence about buying a house, so the seller said they'd throw in a free Saab
To Sweden the deal