I sent my son to his room for saying Jim Morrison was a terrible musician...
Sorry, but we do not slam The Doors in this house.

. . .. I broke up with my GF Lorraine because I was seeing another woman named Claire Lee . .. .
. .. ..The good news is that I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone . .. .. ..

What do you call sheep rolling down a hill?
A lambslide

The son came home from school a bit sad. Mom goes "what's wrong?" The son said "my math teacher said I probably need some new eyeglasses for math." The mom looked confused.
Then the son said "she said that it can help with division".

What did the Roman emperor say when his female prisoner escaped?
Julius, seize her

Why do Canadian cowboys have sticky feet?
Maple stirrups.

Dad: "Name a country without the letter R in it."
​

Son: "No way!"

why did the Mexican take anti-anxiety medication? . .. .. ...
its for Hispanic attacks . . ..

A museum in Paris, France recently gifted the painting Impression Sunrise to the band Dire Straits.
When asked about it, lead singer Mark Knopfler said the band felt honored to get Monet for nothing.

How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.

Scientists found that even after clinical death a persons eyes can still function for a short period of time
It's mostly because the pupils die-late.

My neighbour named his dog '5 miles' so he could tell people he walked 5 miles every day.
Well today I ran over 5 miles...

Moon landing.
I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon.

Neil before me.

Did you hear about the cowboy who adopted a dachshund?
He wanted to get a long little doggie.

I bought two books about decision making
And I dont know which one to start first!

. .Sadly the inventor of the throat lozenge has passed away . ..
.I have been told there will be no coffin at his funeral .. .

. ... .Why did the Dalai Lama go to Vegas?
.. .. well, he loves Tibet . ..

What Generation is Forest Gump?
Gen-A

Germans must hate sausages
Theyre always calling them the wurst.

I think I saw Michael J. Fox at the florist the other day . .. .. .
.. .I can't be sure though, as he had his back to the fuchsias

. .Why should you not kick a Volcano .
.. You might Krakatoa . ..

My boss asked me if I ever spread gossip about my coworkers.
I said No, of course not! But you know who does..

. Asked my wife if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips after work .. .No reply . ...
. .I guess she still mad at me for naming the kids . ..

What is the opposite of lady fingers?

Mentos

What's the stickiest animal in the forest?
A deer.