Kermit the Frog walked into a bank to borrow some money to make his next movie
The loan officer introduced himself as John Pattywhack, then told Kermit hed need to offer something as collateral

Take this, Kermit said, and handed the loan officer an unfamiliar object

The loan officer looked at him and said, Im gonna need to talk with my manager

The loan officer showed the object to his manager

Kermit offered this as collateral but I have no idea what it is

The manager rolled his eyes and said, its a knickknack, Pattywhack. Give the frog a loan.

Alcohol consumption is set to rise by 350% in England during the World Cup.
Until the group stages are over.

Somebody told me that his hippo was trained to use the toilet.
But I think it's just a hippo potty myth

The mods told me to stop making bird jokes
I've been going for the cheep laughs.

What kind of pants does a ghost hunter wear
Just a paranormal jeans

Two drunks are about to get in a fight, when one draws a line in the dirt and says, If you cross this line, Ill hit you in the face!
That was the punchline.

I got a job teaching poetry to prison inmates.
It has its prose and cons.

I learned to never put avocados in my eyes.
I could wind up with guacoma.

I have really been enjoying my vacation in Norway
I just wish it was more afjordable.

Tried to take a dump in the shower, but only farted.
It was a sham poo.

A penguin waddled into a party. He looked around the room and realized there were no beverages. He said,
This is the worst party Ive ever been to.

(Theres no punch line)

Why did the dinosaur break up with his girlfriend?
Because his ex stinks.

My wife yelled from upstairs and asked: "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
.I replied: "No."

.She responded: "How about now?"

Why do sperm cells look like commas and apostrophes?
They often interrupt periods and lead to contractions

My wife bet me $1000 I couldnt turn spaghetti into a car.
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

A man arrives at a costume party with a girl on his back. "I am a turtle," he says. "Who's on your back?"
"That's Michelle

What do you call the art of making stuffed penguins?
Tuxidermy

If Jesus is the Son of God, then God is the Dad of Christ, and if all Dads do Dad jokes, what would be some Celestial Dad humor?
My thought is Australia.

What did Caesar say when his best friend sneezed?
Achoo, Brute?

Pigeons make terrible dictators
They have a hard time suppressing a coo.

What do you call it when you get too drunk on Guinness, fall over and crack your XBox case for Call of Duty?
Beer Battered CoD

Did you hear about the game of the year that made zero dollars?
Me neither, that doesnt make any cents.

What does garlic do when its hot outside?
Takes its cloves off.

What did Admiral Ackbar say when the Empire uncovered the Death Star?
IT'S A TARP!

Is investing in Foster Farms
Considered chicken stock