Why was Captain Picard such a good gardener?
He knew exactly when to, "Make it sow."

Got fired from my job at the bank today
A lady asked me to check her balance so I pushed her

I just heard some very concerning news. The singer, Sting, has gone missing
The Police have no lead.

A dishevelled female pig walks into a bar. Bartender asks, "Tough day?"
The pig responds: "I'm a frayed sow."

Toilet paper is the MVP of the bathroom
It's been on a roll

Promised my wife I'd fix the leaky tap three years ago.
It's a running joke now.

I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.

I went to the doctor because I kept thinking I was a pair of curtains
He told me to pull myself together

what's the difference between a Vietnamese restaurant and an Indian restaurant?
One is pho profit, the other is naan profit.

What's the smallest knife in the kitchen?
An 8 inch chef's knife.

Seriously -- can you image just how small the knives would have to be for an 8 inch chef to hold them?

What is the best way to boot Windows 11?
Out the door.

Did you know Dracula's girlfriend has an onlyFangs?
Heard she was a battie

Why was the coffee fired from his job?
He was always latte

My coworker that I've worked with for 14 years is retiring and I need a good on-theme dad joke to put in his card.
Edit: I used 2 of the jokes (the lightbulb one and the "who likes Mondays" one) and they went over great!

Thanks all!

My girlfriend told me there was a skinny pervert at the Halloween party last night dressed as a pickle-flavored pancake, making inappropriate comments to all the women.
I said, Sounds like a disgusting crpe.

Amazon.
What do you call two apes that share an Amazon account?
Prime mates.

A box of chocolates has about 5,400 calories.
Dont eat the box and youll be fine.

Auto-targeting the enemy is not a new technology.
It was made a sentry ago

Whats a ghosts favorite car?
A Boo-gatti

Where do sick kangaroos go?
hopital

A cow walks into a bar, ding-a-linging with every step, with a girl sitting on its neck.
Bartender: What are you?

Cow: Im a cow.

Bartender: And the one on your neck is...?

Cow: Isabel.

What does a bird of prey do when it accidentally swallows some feathers
Hawk tuuuaaaaahhh

Did you know that Spider-Man has a Winter jacket made out of flatbread?
It's a Pita Parka