What do you call intelligent people in America??
Tourists

My friend asked me if I was ready to go to the nudist colony
I said, "I was born ready"

Do you know why you should never shout into a colander?
Because you'll strain your voice.

My wife doesn't want to instill her fear of spiders in our kids so she calmly reports them to me like some kinda mafia boss.
"Babe, there's a situation near the sink. I need you to take care of it. No loose ends, I want proof when the job is done."

Did you hear about the plane that couldn't fly and only bounced around?
It went "Boeing, boeing, boeing".

What do call a group of condoms that make music
A Rubber Band.

What does a perverted frog say?
Rubbit

I asked to switch seats on the plane because I was sitting next to a crying baby.
Apparently, that's not allowed if the baby is yours.

What do you call a chubby psychic?
A four-chin teller

A stock market crash is worse than a divorce
You lose half your money, but your wife is still there

Wife asks her husband,
"Hun please run to the store and get a turkey. Oh and if they have eggs, please get a dozen."

Husband returns home an hour later and wife screams, "OMG why did you buy 12 turkeys?!?!"

Husband yells "THEY HAVE EGGS!!!"

A rich Frenchman showed me his Yachts.
"This is Un, this is Deux, this is Trois, this is Quatre, this is Six"

"Where's the fifth one?"

"Cinq"

Did you know skeletons are known for being messy?
They're not very organ-ized.

What did the lawyer name her baby girl?
Sue.

Whats better than roses on a piano?
Tulips on your organ

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna One, Anna Two!

If two Vegans get pissed off at each other, are they having a beef?
No!! It's Beyond Meat!

I'm not saying l'm attractive, but when I take my clothes off in the bathroom.
I turn the shower on.

I used to date an anesthetist..
she was a local girl.

Never trust a man named Chris.
If Chris crossed applesauce, imagine what hed do to you.

Marry an orphan
You'll never have to spend holidays with the in-laws.

Who is the highest ranking officer at a rock concert?
General Admission

My son asked how the organ donation went
I didnt have the heart to tell him

What is Putin's favorite Operating System?
Windows