I got fired from the keyboard factory.
They told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

My wife is a teacher at a very small school. She only has two students in her class & both of them are going to live to be very old
Both of her pupils are going to dilate

My wife texted, Call me ASAP! Its an emergency!!
Im like, Babe, whats so urgent about a nickname?

What type of shoes does a serial killer wear?
White vans.

My oldest daughter had the shortest birthday of her life yesterday.
It was her 22nd birthday.

What is the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?
Deer nuts are under a buck.

What do teenage rocks start putting on when they feel a little self conscious about their smell?
Geodorant

I have a friend from Prague who loves to play chess.
He's my Czech mate!

I warned my kids about using their whistle in the house.
And I gave them one last chance.

Unfortunately

They blew it.

A physicist told me photons can't have mass and I set out to prove him wrong.
Turns out I was right. Photons can totally exist in a church on Sunday.

I entered a pun competition. I entered around 10 puns thinking one of them is bound to win...
... But no pun in ten did

When I was in elementary school, my teachers names all coincidentally started with the same letter.
Ms. Anderson

Mr. Stevens

Mrs. Platt

Mr. Blake

Ms. Robles

Mrs. Wilson

I just read that crows are losing their ability to communicate.
Scientists are scrambling to find the caws.

Why dont eggs tell jokes?
Theyd crack each other up.

What do you call bears without ears?
B

Actually, it's pronounced "jaslight".
You've been saying it wrong the whole time.

I had a date last night, it was perfect
Tomorrow I'll try a grape.

If playgrounds have seesaws...
Then they should have hearheards

My ethics teacher claimed I was failing her class.
So I slid her a 20 note under the table and said, "What about now?"

What kind of pants does Mario wear?
Denim denim denim.

What did Al Capone say about the Mormon mobster?
I want him DEAD, I want his wife DEAD, I want his wife DEAD, I want his wife DEAD

Classic dad comments seen in reddit thread. (User shared a pic of the continental shelf from a plane...).
Dad1 comment: " I bet the continent puts all kinds of cool knick knacks on its shelf"

Dad2 comment: "And ocean cats knock them off".

(definitely dads)

My teenage son told me Im always interrupting.
I said, No, Im not.

He said, You just interrupted me again.

I said, I said no Im not.

My local movie theater is cracking down on people sneaking in outside candy and snacks.
But it's ok, I have a few Twix up my sleeve.

Did you hear Kanye West has almost completely abandoned religion?
Oh Ye of little faith...