A gynecologist was having a midlife crisis and decided to leave the medical profession to become an auto mechanic.He went to an auto mechanic school, studied hard and eventually it was time for the final exam.
He was amazed when the exam was returned with a grade of 200 and is amazed and said, I thought the highest you could score on the test was 100."
"It is, normally, the instructor replied.
But I gave you 50 for taking the engine apart correctly, 50 for putting it back together correctly and the extra 100 for doing it through the muffler.
My daughter said, Daddy, I saw a deer on the way to school this morning.
I said, Thats great, but how did you know it was on its way to school?
I drank holy water with laxatives
Im about to start a religious movement
I was rushing out the door to work when my kids came running downstairs yelling, Dad, wait! Play with us! Then I noticed theyd drawn all over their faces with permanent marker. One had an ace of clubs, one was a nine of diamonds, one a queen of hearts, and my youngest had a jack of spades.
I said, I cant believe you kids did this Ill deal with you later.
When my dad walked in my room with some young guy wearing skinny jeans, eating avocado toast, I asked, Who's this guy? Pops grinned and said...
"This is my hip replacement!"
What do you call a bullet-proof Irish man?
Rick O'Shea
How do you lure a pervert? (NSFW)
Just add the NSFW tag.
A man did not like his wifes cat.One day, he put the cat in his car and took it to the end of the block and let it go.
When he got home he saw that the cat had beat him home.
Undeterred, he put the cat in the car and took it a few miles across the city and let it out of the car again.
Upon returning home, he was astonished to see that the cat had beat him home again.
Determined at this point, the man took the cat and drove him across the city, over the river, through the woods, and clear across three counties before putting the cat outside and driving off.
Several hours later the mans wife was at home when the phone rang. She picked up and it was her husband.
Is the cat there? He asked.
Yes she replied.
Well put him on the phone, Im lost
Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants?
Because they give him case ideas! (Quesadillas)
What do you call a person who only goes on dates with prostitutes?
A buy-sexual.
I just crumpled up every piece of comedy I ever put on paper, and threw it at my wife
All my jokes went over her head
What are a kidnappers favourite type of shoes?White Vans.
Ill show myself out
When the moon hits your knees and you mispronounce trees
Sycamore
Galactic bounty hunters turn me on
What can I say, I have a Boba Fettish.
Why do ducks have tail feathers?
To cover their butt quacks
I completely forgot what they call a sunrise.
Then... it dawned on me.
A sock, a battery, and a tomato were crossing the street together late at night.Halfway across, a car came flying around the corner.
The sock panicked and sprinted.
The battery froze completely.
The tomato got absolutely flattened.
The sock came back shaking and asked the battery,
Why didnt you move?!
The battery sighed and said,
I was too drained and he just couldnt ketchup.
What kind of trousers does a ghost hunter wear?
Just a paranormal jeans.
What kind of car does a Jedi drive?
A Toy-Yoda
If a seagull flies over the sea, what flies over the bay?
A bagel!
Thieves.
Someone broke into our house last night and stole a
dozen eggs.
They also left a pan of boiling water on the stove.
Police believe it was poachers.
Guy next door stopped by and said, So I heard you and your family had an amaing time seeing the ebras at the oo.After he left my wife asked, Who was that?
I said, Just our No-Z neighbor.
Where do baby carrots nurse from?
The pars-nips
Where do trout keep their money?
In the river bank.
Why is it painful living on a planet of tents?
Because youre in for a world of yurt.