My cousin just called and asked if I would loan her $300.00 to help her pay her rent. Those who know me, know that I'm always willing to help out friends and family. I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back.
Before I called her back, my aunt called and told me that my cousin was lying and not to give her the money.
She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the $300.00 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so she could be under the same roof as him for his birthday.

I thought about it for a minute and decided to give her the $300.00 because we all need help at times.
So, I called my cousin and told her to come and get the money.

A couple of hours later, I get a call from the jailhouse, it was my cousin crying, screaming and asking why I gave her counterfeit money.

I told her so you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday!

Today, my son asked, Can I have a bookmark?
I burst into tears11 years old and he still doesnt know my name is Brian.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be an astronaut. But my father crushed those dreams years ago.
He'd always say: "For you, son, the sky's the limit!"

Sorry I couldnt answer your call while I was at the buffet
I just had a lot on my plate

My girlfriend and I are trying this whole "long distance relationship" thing
I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.

Im thinking about having my spine removed.
I just feel like its only holding me back.

How do they welcome new members at a nudist colony?
with a bear hug.

I bought a new wooden cutting board today
And its useless, the thick edges dont cut anything.

Everyone knows Albert Einstein..
But have you met his brother Frank!? He's a monster!

Im rooting for the West African soccer team to beat Colombia
But Im afraid they Ghana lose.

My reverse vasectomy was way more painful than the original surgery.
There was a vas deferens between the two.

I'm going to a gender reveal party.
But apparently I still have to wear pants.

Soccer joke
Q: Why doesnt Ronaldo ever have to clean his room?
A: Because hes not Messi

Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in your jeans!

A guy approaches his doctor panicking, saying You have to help me! I think Im shrinking!
The doctor said, Settle down. You just have to learn to be a little patient.

A man went into a building he'd never been to before to find a book, all he found were books on genital anatomy.
No one told him it was a pubic library.

I dated a girl who insisted we tear apart my Disney Pixar DVDs.
We eventually split Up.

What's the sharpest thing in the world?
A fart. It rips right through your pants without even making a hole!

Were all of President Theodore Roosevelt's speeches, by definition...
TED Talks?

Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer,
it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

Did you know that the Red October was the first Russian nuclear-powered submarine?
Sorry, wrong sub

Whats the difference between a cheap guy at a restaurant and a worker packaging silicone breast implants?
Ones a shitty tipper

Cinderella got kicked off the soccer team.
Because she kept running away from the ball

How do flat earthers travel?
On a plane.