I just realized my emergency contact is my husband.The same man who can't find his wallet, doesn't know his doctor's name, and ignores unknown calls...
Yeah, call him.
A woman woke up from a 6-month coma and asked the doctor about her baby...
The doctor said, "You had twins, a boy and a girl! They're doing great. Since you were unconscious, your brother named them for you."
The woman panicked. "Oh no, not my brother! Hes an absolute idiot! What did he name the girl?"
"Denise," the doctor replied.
The woman paused. "Oh, wow... Denise is actually a lovely name! What did he name the boy?"
The doctor sighed deeply. "Denephew."
My wife is pregnant with a boy and i want to call him Lance.My wife said its such an uncommon name.
So i told her back in medievil days people were called Lance a lot
I complained at a restaurant last night. I said, "Hey, waiter, my soup is cold!" He said, it's Gazpacho."
I said, "Hey, Gazpacho... my soup is cold!"
She told me "sorry. I have a boyfriend"
"Ahh, it appears you're misstaken"
People aren't interested in having garage sales these days..
But they're dying to have Estate Sales.
I told my wife there was a honeybee in my yogurt...
She ran over concerned, looked into the bowl, and saw a giant letter "B" made of honey. The 6:00 AM eye-roll was glorious.
We all know that 6 was scared of 7 because 7, 8, 9. But why did 7 eat 9?
Because youre supposed to eat three squared meals a day.
Ive just put a wooden desk and a blackboard in my living room.
You know, just to make it more classy...
My mom went to the doctor yesterday to have her nose removed.
I swear, shes lost all common scents.
I was at a party when a guy walked in shouting "I'm the world's best architect!"
I thought, he knows how to make an entrance, but he was just putting up a facade.
My friends encouraged me to adopt an 80s hairstyle.
I told them Id mullet over.
Ive decided to change my social media username to no one
This way, when I react to a friends post, theyll receive a notification that No one likes this.
What is a cannibal's favorite pasta?
Elbow macaroni.
What do you call ghost boobies?
A pair a normal en-titties
What do you call a boring day for a journalist in Norways capital?
Oslo news day.
Why don't skeletons ever go trick-or-treating?
Because they have no body to go with.
Next time you are stuck in city traffic, blame Roxanne.
She always turns on the red lights.
One eggMy wife delivered this one yesterday. I told her I don't want to hear any complaints about dad jokes for a long time now. It definitely belongs here.
So, she was pulling together a full on breakfast wish hash browns, biscuits, sausage, and eggs, turned to me and said two eggs for you, I assume? I said yes. She said, I think I'll be French today and have one.
I raised an eyebrow as I tried to puzzle it out and she came to my rescue with "because one egg is un uf (enough)." Groans ensued, but I had to give her credit for that one.
Why are toilets always so good at poker?
They always get a flush.
I flew a plane through a war zone and none of the missiles flying toward me hit.
I'm glad they didn't use hitles.
Whenever I make a post on Reddit the first comment is usually by a police officer, fire fighter or an EMT
They're the first responders
After a few months of dating, my girlfriend said, It feels like this isnt working out. I asked, What do you mean? She said, Apparently, we arent a good fit. It looks like we werent meant for each other. It appears were destined to move on, and it sounds like we should see other people.
And thats when I realized our relationship was coming apart at the seems.
Rumor has is it that orthodontists everywhere are planning to go on strike...
brace yourselves!
I got caught stealing Viagra from the pharmacy where I work ...I thought I was going to get fired.
Instead I got a big raise.