Man: Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!Judge: Repeat infractions?
Man: Fine. 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!
A man goes to a dermatologist with a rare skin disease. The doctor says, "Try a milk bath".
So the guy goes to the grocery store and tells the dairy manager he needs enough milk to take a bath. The dairy guys ask "You want that pasteurized?" "Nah", the man replies "Up to my chin should do it."
Last night I dreamed I had to make a thousand pancakes
I was tossing and turning all night.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mother carries a photo of only one of them in her wallet.
I guess if youve seen Juan, youve seen Amal.
Dad where did humans come from?God made us
But mom said we came from Apes
She's talking about her family, I'm telling you about mine
Today is my sons 4th birthday. When he came out of his room this morning, I didnt recognize him at first
It was as if I had never seen him be four
Did you know trees poop in the woods?
Yup, it's how we get Number 2 pencils...
How long can you live without drinking water?
Your entire life.
Why did the Dalai Lama go to Vegas?
He loves Tibet!
Scientists have recently noticed that crows are not making as much noise.
Researchers are busy looking for the cause.
My career as a stand-up comedian ended when I tried telling jokes about the unemployed
It was clear that none of them worked
How beautiful was Mount Rushmore before it was sculpted?
Its beauty was unpresidented.
Today I turned 32 but I only celebrated for 30 seconds.
After all it's my thirty-second birthday!
They call New York the big apple
Thats because Minnesota is where the Minneapolis.
What did the magician say to his assistant after the show?
"You're not half the woman you used to be!"
What is the most dangerous kind of canoe?A volcanoe
[I'm looking for more puns like this where its a word in word pun/joke. It doesn't have to be a canoe joke. ]
I told my therapist I think Im addicted to Instagram.
She said, Im sorry. I dont think Im following you.
BadjokeMy son is helping me troubleshoot some Python code not working on my PC.
So we figured we better reload the software and I noticed that it's downloading Python ver 3.14.
"Oh version 3.14... guess maybe they should have called it *Pi-thon*" I said.
"Guess what -- they did!"
"No, I meant "P", "I" "thon"
you know, cuz it's ver 3.14"
Big sigh.
(I like to think it's because he's not a dad yet, but it's really just because its terrible)
I guess I *code* have done better for sure.
Hopefully my son learned from this. No matter how crappy a dadjoke is, its our duty to be persistent and capitalize on every opportunity.
Lost my job as a masseuse today
Manager said I rubbed people the wrong way
Terrorist arrested for vandalizing the reflecting pool in Washington, DC
They were members of algae-da.
I'm sure you're all familiar with 'Even Steven', but have you ever met his brother?
His name is Odd Todd.
Why don't skeletons fight each other?
They don't have the guts.
idk what HD means
but my doctor said i had 80 of it.
Did you know they now can make protein shakes without dairy?
No whey!
Twice a week
Twice a week a guy shows up a border crossing on a motorcycle with a sand bag in each saddle bag. Dogs dont hit on it, inspections never find anything. Still twice a week this dude shows up at the crossing. Finally a border agent says to him " Listen man we all know you must be smuggling something just none of us can figure it out. Todays my last day before retirement and I have to know. I won't say anything to anyone but my curiosity is killing me. What on earth are you smuggling? Guy leans in and says "Motorcycles "