At dinner, I asked my date to tell me a little about herself. She said, Well, believe it or not, Im a microbiologist.
I looked her straight in the eye and said, Nice try... you look like a normal-sized biologist to me.

Brainy joke: Why is it a "school" of fish but a "bloat" of hippos?
Because a school of hippos would be a hippocampus

I tried using Beef as my password.
It wasn't stroganoff

What does Neil Diamond sing when hes waiting in a queue at the grocery store to buy corn syrup
Sweet Karo Line

Ive written a song about a locksmith
Theres a lovely key change at the end

I told my dad that I'm going to join the 'World Taekwondo Federation'
He said WTF?!

Why did Indiana Jones never meet his favourite band?
He ran away from the Rolling Stones

Who is Mexicos richest man?
Jeff Pesos

A LOT OF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT American State Brad Pitt, Garth Brooks and Reba McEntire were born in.
Listen, it's OK.

After 14 years as a homemaker, my wife got a job as a baker at the bagel shop up the street...
...I'm really excited for her to be making some dough!

It comes at a time of great knead, our finances have been really crumby lately. We've been in a bit of a debt hole and now we can finally rise above it!

Looking forward to life with another bread-winner in the house!

(Inspired by real events - I was only going to do one celebratory pun but then I got on a roll...)

What do you call karate for amputees?
Partial arts

I was just convicted by two dudes names Jimothy and four guys named Jim.
It was a Jim, Jimothy, Jim, Jimothy, Jim, Jim jury.

Meat Loaf married his accountant
Shed do anything for love but she wont do VAT

Husband - Are you having an affair with my best friend?
Wife - What makes you say that?

Husband - Hes been miserable lately.

Doctor: Your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg

Brake pads
This just now happened...

Went into O'Reilly for brake pads. Guy at the counter said, "What are you needing today?"

I said, "I need brake pads."

He got his fingers on the keyboard and said, "OK, what's it for?"

I said, "It helps your car stop."

My wife fainted onto the baggage carousel at the airport.
Thankfully she came around.

After my first date with a cannibal, I texted her, I had a great time! She wrote back, Honestly, the whole time I was thinking about desserting you after dinner. I said, Lol, well Im glad you stuck around! Btw, its deserting.
She replied, Um yeah, sure.

I tried to get people into meatloaf. 2 were hooked instantly, but one was unimpressed.
Oh well 2 out of 3 aint bad.

My son asked me "Do trees poop?"
I asked him "Where do you think they get #2 pencils?"

I was raised as an only child.
It drove my sister nuts.

I went to a pun off last week. The first category was "Water Sources"
I lost in the first round. I didn't do well!

What type of art do skeletons like?
Skullptures

Who is incharge of the Popcorn army?
Colonel

When I talk to my boss, I often exaggerate the number of tablets I've sold. It may be unethical, but I'm just trying to earn that bonus.
That's why iPad my stats.