My kid texted me: I just spilled bleach and baking soda all over the floor. What do I do?? I wrote back: Throw a blanket over it. A minute later he replied: Okay now what?
I said: Nothing. All our bases are covered.
Where would you find a peacock at a grocery store?
Next to the peanuts.
A man walks in a bar and shouts free beers outside!So everyone in the bar, except the bartender, ran outside in excitement.
The bartender, visibly angry, yells at the man what the hell did you do that for? Now i have no customers!!
The man says Sorry mister, i honestly didnt fink any of those men would be brave enough to fight a grizzly beer, let alone free of them
Do you know what would be a great name for diarrhea medicine?
Gonorrhea
Our local bra store went out of business
I dont know if it went tits up or tits down.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a Sex on the Beach. After he has a sip, he spits it out.
He screams at the bartender, "THIS IS F**KING CLOSE TO WATER!"
The famous singer Sting has been kidnapped.
The Police have no lead.
Why havent aliens visited our solar system?
The reviews all said one star.
I started going to a Chinese cooking class that is taught by Steven Tyler.
He keeps telling me to "wok this way!"
Why did the transgender man only eat salad?
He was a her-before
My car broke down halfway between my lake house and the Hallmark store.
My car broke down halfway between my lake house and the Hallmark store. I was stuck between a dock and a card place.
What do you say to your sister when shes crying
Are you having a crisis?
Did you hear about the woman at the airport who backed into a moving propeller?
Disaster
How do researchers know that babies are afraid of the supernatural?
Because they cry during their first out-of-body experience!
What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We're closed.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin
Shirley MacLaine once asked Leslie Neilson for a date.
He said, Dont call me, Shirley.
Why is it a bad idea to do anything illegal near a pepper farm?
Because the farmers will be jalapeo business.
Whats the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?One is a little heavier and one is a little lighter.
Edit: Better joke wording in comments.
The reputation of people from Florida being dumb isnt right.
Its unfair that 23 million people can ruin things for the other 167 people.
When they told me no nudity was allowed,
that was more than I could bare.
Police have revealed there has been a number of robberies at a local bowling alley.
Officials believe the criminals are likely to strike again.
im losing my spark...
can someone set me on fire?
I have got a license
but I don't Avocado
What do Vikings do when they retire
Become pharmacists. Theyre already experienced in pillage.