70% of the Earth's surface is covered in water and none of it is carbonated.
That's my proof that the Earth is flat.

Why is Santa Claus so jolly?
He knows where all the naughty girls live

Me: *Asking my kid on their 8th birthday before every meal*
Are you even hungry? You already 8.

My wife: *glaring at me for the rest of my life*

TIL the word gibberish is a palindrome
Backwards it is hsirebbig, which is gibberish

At dinner, I asked my date if she enjoys talking about the American Civil War.
She said, Sometimes, but not General Lee.

At one time, I was very poor. I couldn't even pay my electricity bill.
That was the darkest period of my life.

What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer?
Father-In-Law!

I went to the doctors and told him i had swollen ankles, he said, "gout"
I said "i've only just come in"

Whats at the end of time and space
E

Two guys were loading a coffin into a hearse on a steep incline. After loading, they both get into the vehicle.
Two guys were loading a coffin into a hearse on a steep incline. After loading, they both get into the vehicle.

As they start to pull away, the back door swings wide open and the coffin crashes to the ground and starts sliding down the incline, across the intersection, into the store front of a pharmacy and keeps going.

The driver races after it and chases it into the pharmacy.
The pharmacist in the back says "Can I help you?" and the driver says "Yeah, do you have anything to stop this coffin?"

You know what Id rate our solar system?
One star

I'm tired, so I'm going to Romania...
...to book a rest.

I told Ivan Drago that Rocky Balboa uses hair coloring...
...He shrugged and said, *"If he dyes, he dyes."*

Started a new band called "Duvet"
We're a cover band

Why did the transgender man prefer to eat salad
Because he was a her before

Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
I have like 15 wooden balls already.

Toddler arrested for refusing to take a nap
Harsh, but they were resisting a rest.

The princess reprimanded the hero for not greeting the villagers...
... because she was educated in the hi rule.

Vampires can be found in Europe but there's none in Africa...
That's because holy water kills vampires and...

*They bless the rains down in Africa*

Did you know that only male snakes hiss?
Female snakes herss.

My wife was about to say an alphabet pun
but I wouldn't letter.

When the moon hits your knees and you mispronounce trees;
Sycamore.

In America, if two immigration agents have a kid
Is that an ICE ICE Baby?

What do you call cheese thats not yours
Nacho cheese

My buddy told me his girlfriend was 3 feet 3 inches tall.
I said I'd like to meter.