What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant
My uncle told me that women with small breasts arent good singers.
Theyre always flat.
What's the difference between light and hard?
I can sleep with a light on
I saw an ad for a radio that said: Radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.
I just knew I couldn't turn that down.
Husband: There's broken condoms on the couch
Wife: Stop calling the kids that.
Call them by their names.
My wife tried to apply at the post office but they wouldnt letter.
They said only mails work here.
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in roman numerals?
I M LIVID
I haven't spoken to my wife in four years.
I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!
If a dwarf tells you a story from their childhood, do they start it with
When I was little......
When I get a dog I'm going to name him five miles.
So I can say I walk five miles every day.
Why did the orphan go to Olive Garden?
Because when you're there, you're family
Why do chickens only make one sound?
Cause they can't think outside the bawks.
A Teenage daughter is being intimate with her boyfriend...And her dad walks in.
"Dad I'm sorry" says the girl.
"Hi sorry I'm Dad" says the dad.
The dad then turns to her boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"
My 8 year old had a nightmare that he was being eaten by our vacuum cleaner.
I said, Thats a terrible way to Dyson.
What is Forrest Gump's favourite pasta dish?
Penne!
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic
But if I'm gonna have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord
What did one saggy boob said to the other saggy boob?
-If we don't get some support soon, people are gonna think we are nuts!
A Husband and Wife went shopping together just before Christmas...The wife quickly noticed that her husband was missing, and because they had a lot to do, she called him on his mobile phone.
After the husband picked up the phone, his wife said,
"Where are you? You know we have lots to do!"
He said, "You remember the jewellers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time, and I said that one day I would get it for you."
Little tears started to flow down her cheeks, and she got all choked up and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop!!!" she replied.
"Well, I am in the yoyo shop next door to that.
Ferrari has started making kitchen appliances!
...so I've ordered a Toasterossa.
Theres a new superhero who can recite all the prime numbers!
Hes called The Indivisible Man.
As my son prepared for his quiz on middle east geography, I looked over his shoulder and said, "It doesn't seem like you're ready."
He responded, "Trust me. I've got this one in the Baghdad."
I've tried everything to lose my dad bod
I've tried cake, pie, cookies, pizza, ice cream...
Why does Piglet smell so bad?
Because she's always playing with Pooh
I got drunk one night then walked through a field.
It was full of chiggers. They took one bite of me then jumped off. Turns out chiggers can't be boozers.
Why did God create Adam first?
So he can talk to someone until Eva shows up.