My lesbian friend was telling me about how expensive it was for her and her wife to have a baby. Even the sperm banks was charging outrageous prices.
I told her , "yeah anything hand made is going to cost a lot."

Cop pulls over a little old lady and asks for her licence and registration.
When she pulls out her wallet, he sees a handgun in her purse. "Ma'am, is that a gun in your purse?" "Yes, Officer, it's a .38 Smith & Wesson revolver." "Please place that purse on the passenger seat, Ma'am, and don't make any sudden moves towards it. Do you have any other weapons I should know about?" "Well, there's a Colt 1911 automatic in the glove compartment..." "Okay, let's stay away from that side of the car. Anything else?" "I got a .22 Derringer in my bra, but it's just a little peashooter. Wouldn't hurt a fly." The cop sighs, and asks, "Do you have any other weapons on you?" "What do you mean by 'on me'?" "Ma'am, do you have any other weapons? Just tell me." "Okay, there's a Mossberg 12 gauge pump action and an AK-47 in the trunk." The cop pauses for a moment. "Ma'am, you have a revolver, a derringer, an automatic pistol, a shotgun, and an assault rifle, What are you so afraid of?" "Not a goddamn thing.

I went to my doctors and noticed that they had my blood type recorded as B+. I said, thats not right...
that's gotta be a type O

Why did the sailors have to stop playing cards?
The Captain was standing on the deck.

After years of research, I have invented a new kind of saw.
It's cutting-edge technology.

Did you hear who won the laundry detergent competition?
They Tide... but certainly gave it their All.

A friend said she did not understand cloning. I told her...
that makes two of us.

I bought a world map,took it home,gave my wife a dart and said
''Where you land the dart,I'm taking you on holiday.''Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge

Since the coronation of King Charles, there has been discussion about orthographic modernization (shortening spelling of words like "colour" and "labour") but the UK government responded
Never gonna give "u" up

We combined the DNA of a Cheetah with the DNA of a Crab...
... Things went sideways really fast!

Never challenge Death to a pillow fight...
unless you are prepared for the Reaper Cushions

My wife said she is going to split up with me cause I like star wars
May divorce be with you

What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.

One time I met a beekeeper who had a glass eye with a picture of the Disney character Belle.
I was confused until I remembered that beauty is in the eye of the bee holder

Why didnt any of Luke Skywalkers marriages last?
He always followed Obi-Wans advice: Use divorce, Luke

1-year-old daughter got me
My daughter is 15 months and only knows a few words: car, milk, more, wow, yes, no... And that's about it.

She was babbling at me excitedly and I was pretending to agree. Lots of "oh yeah?" and "I agree!". Anyway, at one point I said "Wow! Tell me more!"

She immediately stopped babbling and just said "More".

My wife and I were in tears. She got me good

How does a lawyer sleep?
He lies on one side and rolls over and lies on the other side.

What do you call a snake wearing a hard hat?
A boa constructor.

I've been having a lot of halluzinations. But I'm getting better.
I've started to see a psychiatrist.

Jail is one word
But for prisoners, it's a whole sentence

What's an imaginary friend?
Its the square root of a negative friend.

I'm trying to write a song about having my leg amputated.
The last verse has me stumped.

One Sunday the pastor took a tangent from his sermon, asking the 3 men in the row right up front what they would like to hear their loved ones say, as they gazed down upon his open coffin.
Bill: "That I was good husband and father."

John: "That I lived a life of kindness to others."

Dan: "Hey, look! He's moving!"

Why do so many open relationship couples seek Caucasians?
Poly want a cracker

There is one example of a macroscopic quantum phenomenon that you can demonstrate in a home kitchen, using a process that is often used in industry to produce superheated water by exploiting the observer effect. As they say,
a watched pot never boils.