My 8-year-old daughter started crying on "Take Your Daughter to Work Day."
As my coworkers gathered around to check on her, she sobbed, "Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you work with?"

The Coyote once tried to catch the Roadrunner by booby-trapping one of the keys on a piano with an explosive. Which key was it?
C4.

What do you call a beehive without an exit?
Unbelievable.

I saw my doctor today. Showed him the rash on my bum,
but he completely ignored me and kept scanning his groceries through the checkout...

When LoTR was filming in NZ, the crew had a lot of problems with the monks at a nearby monastery who kept showing up on set who would try to sell them some of the local wildflowers.
When LoTR was filming in NZ, the crew had a lot of problems with the monks at a nearby monastery who kept showing up on set who would try to sell them some of the local wildflowers. The local authorities did not want to get involved. So Peter Jackson brought in a bunch of sheep and let them loose to eat all the wildflowers. What was unusual was that only the female sheep would eat the flowers.

But I guess that proves the old saying: Only ewe can prevent florist friars.

E-bikes (didn't realize it until I was saying it)
My boy has been telling us for months about how he wants an E-bike or some other cool electric scooters. My wife and I were looking at websites. She says, "I don't know why these things cost so much!"

Without missing a beat, I said, "I think it's because they can charge it!"

Why does the pirate alphabet have 32 letters instead of 26?
Because it has the Seven Cs!

Just spent $100 on a belt that doesn't fit!
Huge waist.

Two guys are trying to get out of work
The first hangs from the ceiling yelling Im a light bulb

Boss comes in wow youve lost it. Take a day

The second man starts walking away

Woah where are you going?

The man replies What you expect me to work on the dark

I told my wife she should do yoga with me.
She said, Namastay right here.

Cheesy buffalo chicken pasta
My wife made cheesy buffalo chicken pasta for supper tonight. As she was dishing it up she said "I hope it's not too creamy." I said it probably wasn't. She replied "it's a pasta-bility."

What do you call an old ant?
Antique

My kids: Dad, youd be good at yoga.
Me: Thats a bit of a stretch.

At a work conference icebreaker, we had to go around our table and share something wed been learning this year. On my turn I said, Ive been taking Braille classes, but I probably shouldnt even be bringing that up right now. After an awkward silence, someone finally asked, Why not?
I replied, Its kind of a touchy subject.

What breed of dog do magicians prefer?
Labracadabradors.

When I was fourteen years old I grew a foot
Before that I was the only kid in school with one foot.

What do you call the butt of a chicken?
The Egg-xit

Husband & wife.
Husband: "Honey, I broke a glass in the kitchen."
Wife: "I am coming with the broom."
Husband: "It ain't urgent. You can come on foot.'

Always say yes to a quick 30 minute drink with your buddy.
Those 90 minutes could be the best six hours of your life.

What do you call a Chinese man with one leg?
Lim Ping.

Apparently, you can tell male and female.ants apart quite easily.... Just need to briefly put them in a little bit of water
If it sinks it means it's a girl ant...

If it floats...buoyant

We have a funny bone, but did you know...
We also have one that's humerus!

My parrot has died of obsesity.
To be honest, it's a weight off my shoulders.

A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar
The bartender takes one look at them and says what is this some sort of joke?

Just think, whenever you park your car someone in an alternate reality is
Parallel parking!