When we got a call that our neighbors car was stuck in the snow, I said, Ill be right there! and started wrapping myself in pita bread and slathering on tzatziki. My wife said, Babe, please stop
you dont have to be a gyro.

I am reading a scary book by brail.
Something bad is about to happen. I can feel it..

Did you hear about the unsolved murder at Krispy Kreme?
It's a real Whodonut.

My husband left me because Im insecure
No wait, hes back. He just left to go get pizza.

My New Years Resolution is to stop being so condescending
And in case you werent aware, condescending means talking down to people.

There is to be a British spinoff version of Stranger Things
It will be called:

Bit Odd In'it?

What did the woman say after she slipped and fell on ice?
Nothing, she just gave everyone the cold shoulder

A lady was running up the stairs at church she asked the little boy sitting at the top, "Is mass out?"
He said, "No, but your hat's on crooked."

Why was the broom late?
It over-swept.

Do you think mountains are funny?
I think they are hill areas.

What does Van Gogh want for Jan 1?
A happy new ear.

What did the keen mountaineer name his son?
Cliff.

What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree.

What do you call a home with an insecurity problem?
An apartment complex.

Have you heard about the movie Constipation?
It hasn't come out yet

Im so tired on my holiday at the minute
I took a trip to New Zealand and I havent slept since last year!

My dad never wears a shirt.
Hes an absent-T parent.

How Does A Gastroenterologist Arrive At A Diagnosis Of Irritable Bowel Syndrome?
By the process of elimination

I guess Daft Punk didnt like my soup
They kept saying one more thyme.

Why cant you e-mail John Cena?
Because you cant cc him!

This is my step-ladder.
I never knew my real ladder

I asked my dog whats two minus two.
He said nothing.

What did the fish say when it ran into a wall?
Dam!

A guy took his date to prom
When they arrived they had to wait in a very long line to get in. Once inside they waited in a line to use the restroom, they waited in line to get their pictures, waited in line to get on the dance floor, and waited in line to get some snacks. He went to get them something to drink and was surprised.

Much like this joke there was no punch line.