I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes.
The doctor says it's terminal.
My daughter woke me up at 11:00 PM last night. Daddy she whispered guess how old Ill be next month
I dont know I whispered. How old? She smiled and held up 4 fingers. Its 7:39 am now. My wife and I have been up with her all night. She still refuses to tell us where she got them.
My wife gave me the worst disrespect this morning
Normally, she rolls her eyes or groans when I make jokes. Par for the course.

But this morning, she's watching Tiktok, the dude in the video said: "my friend Tony told me to never say his name backwards, I said, 'why not?'" and she bursts out laughing.

I get no respect.

I just applied for life insurance, and they asked me, Sir, do you participate in any dangerous activities? I replied...
Yes, sometimes I disagree with my wife!
The former Nazi soldier applied for a job in the animal hospital.
After all, he is a veteran aryan.
My friends all tell me Im really bad at subtraction.
I dont know what to take away from those comments.
Not all math puns are funny
just sum!
What did Ivan Drago say when he found out his wife wanted to change her hair color?
If she dyes, she dyes
My neighbor gifted me a little willow tree, hoping one day it will be pleasant to sit under. In return I gifted him a little maple tree, hoping the same for him.
It's a good practice to exchange Pleasant Trees.
What kind of pants does a psychic medium wear?
Just a pair-a-normal pants.
Our daughter the Xray technician married one of her patients.
We just don't know what she saw in him.
Why was the pharao very confused?
Because his daddy became a mummy.
My friend just got caught having sex with a Pixar movie.
He fucked Up.
As women get older they begin to collect things
Its called many paws
Our local pharmacy is having a clearance sale on laxatives.
Everything must go!
I can kayak!
Canoe?
What's the phenomenon where you think something is repeating but you are bad at recognising faces?
Dj who?"
If you're being bothered by a bee...
Just look at it. Seeing is bee leaving.
Why did Russia retreat from Ukraine?
To get their berings strait.
EPL spoiler: My kid right now
Theyre winning 1-0, thats why theyre called Leeds
What is the internal temperature of a Taun-Taun?
Luke Warm
Always be respectful if you see an older Mexican man meditating in his chair. After all
Hes a seor sit-in-Zen.
Red flashing light.
I asked dad:"Why did they put a red flashing light on that tower over there?"

Dad: "It so that planes can see it at night and don't crash into it."

Me: " So, whats the tower even for?"

Dad: "Duh, they need something to hold the red flashing light up there!"

They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away, but what doctor avoids garlic?
Dr. Acula
I made a canoe out of an old stove...
Never thought I'd own a Range Rower.