What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We're closed.

What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin

Reading the will
A lawyer meets with the family of a recently deceased millionaire for the reading of the will.

To my loving wife, Rose, who always stood by me, I leave the house, cars, and $5 million, the attorney reads.

To my darling daughter, Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and $1 million.

And finally,
the lawyer concludes, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will. Well, you were wrong. Hi Dan!

Cancer is like a dad joke.
Not everybody gets it; but those who get it, wish they didn't.

Did you know they are doing digital tests for prostate cancer now?
Yep, the doctor puts their digit right inside you!

*My dad told me this one after he was diagnosed with prostate cancer. Thankfully he beat it.

Edit: his to their, doctors need not be men.

What did algebra tell calculus on their date?
Nice curves!

A young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple all wanted to get married at the same small-town church.
The local priest, wanting to ensure they were truly committed, gave them a challenge: they had to go one full month without any physical intimacy before he would perform the ceremonies.

One month later, they all returned. The priest asked the elderly couple if they had succeeded. "Oh, yes," they smiled. "It was quite easy for us." He turned to the middle-aged couple, who nodded and said, "It was difficult, Father, but we stayed strong and made it the whole month."

Finally, he looked at the young couple. They were shifting uncomfortably in their seats. The young man looked down at his shoes and confessed, "No, Father... we didn't make it."

The priest sighed. "Tell me what happened."

"Well," the young man explained, "my girlfriend was reaching for a can of corn on the bottom shelf at the grocery store, and she accidentally dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, the temptation was just too much. I couldn't help myself."

The priest shook his head sorrowfully. "Im sorry, but if you can't show that kind of restraint, you aren't welcome in my church."

The young man shrugged and whispered to his girlfriend, "That's alright. We aren't welcome back at that grocery store either".

What do you call three guys name Pat?
A Patrick

I thought that my foot got caught on something as I was walking, but when I looked, nothing was there.
I must be trippin'.

My wife grumbled, Why dont you write a book instead of your stupid word play jokes? I smiled and replied...
Thats a novel idea!"

If my name were Marcus, Id open a mortuary and call it Marcuss Carcasses.
Would you leave your dead loved ones at a place called Marcuss Carcasses?

I met a dinosaur with really good teeth.
It was a flossiraptor.

Did you know Odysseus ate a very unhealthy diet?
All his food was cooked in Ancient Greece.

Why was the clown sent to prison?
Involuntary man's laughter

Why is a baseball stadium always cold?
Its full of fans

Why don't skeletons ever fight each other?
They don't have the guts.

The famous singer Sting has been kidnapped.
The Police have no lead.

My wife left me because Im too insecure.
No wait... shes back. She was just getting coffee.

What did the ram tell his sheep girlfriend when he broke up with her?
Its not ewe. Its me

Career counselors at a local high school are urging students not to go into the profession of sword swallowing.
The reason is because it has become a cutthroat industry.

I came home to find two guys stealing my gate
Didn't want to say anything in case they took a fence.

Whats the difference between a snowman and a snow woman?
Snowballs

I hate to admit this, but I have quite the checkered past.
Ive moved onto playing chess now.

Olaf did all the grocery shopping for Elsa and Anna
If he didn't pick up spices for the castle chef or laundry detergent for the castle washerwoman, they'd have to go without.

In other words, thyme and Tide waited for snowman.

My wife warned me not to steal the kitchen utensils
But it's a whisk, I'm willing to take!