Fight with my wife
My wife asked me, Did you eat the last piece of cake in the refrigerator? I said, No, I ate it in the living room.

And, thats how the fight started

Police Officer: "Why are you driving around with a book in your hands?"
Driver: "It's a long story..."

I told my friend it looked like shed been gardening topless recently. She said, Wow what gave it away?
I said, Its pretty obvious you got breast in plants.

I want a gun that shoots out wooden benches, instead of bullets.
I'd walk into a church with no seating and be like: pew pew pew. pew pew. pew pew pew

My wife asked for help as her car was broken down as the engine was flooded. I said where is the car now?
She said, it's in the Lake.

I think I might be allergic to the new espresso machine.
Every time I use it, it makes me a little coughy.

I can cut wood just by looking at it!
Maybe hard to believe, but I saw it with my own two eyes!

My wife Lee asked me if I was having trouble hearing in my left ear.
Yes I'm definitely

An atom walks into a bar
Bartender: hey atom, you dont look very happy today.

Atom: I lost an electron

Bartender: are you sure?

Atom: I am positive!

One vintage joke about a very old man
Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident. I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said, "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident. I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."

Whats your best dog related dadjoke?
It can be other pet or animal related jokes too.

My neighbor named his dog 5 miles so he can say he walks 5 miles everyday.

Well today, I accidentally drove over 5 miles

What are your others?

During dinner, I asked my date from a small town in Alabama if shed ever watched anime.
Her face lit up. Oh yeah! I used to babysit her all the time!

My Bluetooth speaker wasnt working, so I threw it into the lake.
Now its syncing

Im really having a rough time breaking my addiction to old sitcoms.
Ive decided to just take it One Day At A Time.

I thought it would lighten the mood to tell dad jokes at the funeral.
But apparently he cant hear me anymore.

I write a lot of my jokes on my iphone...
but it's always fucking up the lunch line.

I asked a supermarket worker where they kept the tinned peaches.
He said, "I'll see," and walked away.

I asked another and he also said, "I'll see," and walked away.

In the end I gave up and found them myself, in Aisle C.

Yeah your sword is great
But mine will always be a little grater

I was told that I shouldn't double-dip my breadsticks.
So I made a snap decision.

What do you call a psychic who only sees good futures?
An optimystic.

What's inside a genie's turkey?
Wishbones.

the antiproton asks the antielectron:
"what's the antimatter with you?"

My phone can identify a tree just by seeing the secretions from its bark.
I use What Sap.

Why did Jensen Huang cheat on his wife?
Hes a pretty SLI guy.

What kind of key opens any lock?
A pi-key!