Microsofts email system is down and they dont know when itll be restored.
Their outlook is really bad.

I went to my first Pride parade. What a disappointment.
Not a single lion anywhere!

What was Icarus least favorite food?
Hot wings

My girlfriend said I'm a useless lazy slob and she deserves much better.
I said, "You woke me at 3 in the afternoon just to tell me that?"

Last week, I answered the door and standing there was a six-foot-tall mosquito! He thumped me on the head, then left
The next night, the same mosquito came to the door. He punched me in the stomach and left. The third night, the doorbell rang. As I slowly opened the door, the mosquito pushed the door open, kicked me in the shin and left. I went to see my doctor and explained everything that had happened. I asked him what I should do. The doctor replied, "Not much you can do. There's just a nasty bug going around."

I was in a public bathroom the other day and a guy in a cubicle started going: Aaah, eeee, oooo
I guess he was having a vowel movement!

What do the Spice Girls and Microsoft have in common
No male

What do you call a blind chicken?
A Hicken, because it can't C.

What's the difference between a kleptomaniac and a literalist?
The literalist takes things literally. The kleptomaniac takes things, literally.

Which crayon got stuck on an island?
Maroon.

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places.
He told me to stop going to those places.

In school there was this one professor who never gave lower than a D...
It's not that he didn't care, he was just all out of F's to give.

Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in your jeans

Women, to me, are like metric sockets.
A ten is so hard to find

My best friend Phillip had to have his lip removed
Now we just call him Phil.

Snow White still hasnt received her Shutterfly order, but shes not worried.
She knows that someday her prints will come

I got an email about how to read maps backwards
It was SPAM

What did the pickle salesman say to the client?
I have a dill for you.

Tripped and hit my head on..
a snare drum, now I have a percussion.

How do witches and wizards prevent from accidentally turning something into a frog?
They use a spell checker.

The sewage department is on strike
Everybody is taking a shit, and nobody gives a shit

Im always getting sick during the week.
It must be my weekend immune system.

I just went for my prostate exam
...got the thumbs up.

What do you get when you cross a crab with a cheetah?
I don't know but it can go sideways fast

I invented a new game and all you need is your feet and a breath mint.
I call it Tic-Tac-Toe