A wife walks in on her husband playing on his PlayStation."The house is still filthy! I thought I asked you to sweep the house!" she says.
"I did" replied the husband, "I found no hostiles"
Breaking News: A Yorkshire city has gone missing.
The police say they have no Leeds.
James VanDerBeek
Theres been a lot of celebrity deaths lately and usually its a good idea to hold off for a while before making any jokes. But with James VanDerBeek, I dont wanna wait
My wife said shes thinking about writing a book.
I told her it was a novel idea.
How do you get 100 math teachers into a room that only fits 99?
You carry the 1.
I asked my wife what time the gym she goes to closesWife: 10pm on a week night.
Me: OK. And what about on a strong night?
Lance is an uncommon name nowadays
But in medieval times, people were named Lance a lot.
A man is starving in the desert when he sees a bacon tree in the distance.When he makes it over to the tree, a robber steps out and points a gun at him.
The man says, "whoa, I just wanted some of the bacon from the bacon tree!"
The robber grunts and says, "This ain't no bacon tree. This is a hambush!"
I bought a pair of sneakers from a known drug dealer.I dont know what he laced them with,
but Ive been tripping all day.
Knock knock. Who's there? Yoda LadyYoda Lady who?
Are we in the Alps?
A duck waddled into a barafter climbing on to the stool, the bar tender approached and asked him what he needed. The duck asked "do you have any duck food?"
The bartender angrily said "this is a human bar, we don't have any duck food, and we don't serve ducks. I'm gonna need you to leave and not come back."
The next day the duck returns, climbs up to the bar and asks if they "have any duck food?" One again, the bartender angrily told him "no" and to immediately leave and not come back.
The duck returned the next day, and the day after that, asking the same question.
Finally, the bartender, ready to kill the duck, tells him if he returned 1 more time, "I'm going to nail your stupid little webbed feet to the floor!"
The duck left.
To everyone's surprise, the duck waddled in the next day, climbed up to the bar as the bartender, losing his shit, approached. The duck calmly asked "do you have any nails?" The bartender, looking confused, said "of course not, this is a bar." So the duck replied ..
"Do you have any duck food? "
How did the man get locked out of his pasta factory?
He had no key
Why aren't there more mom jokes?
Because she already told them once and she's not repeating herself.
How hard is it to put a hat on a giraffe?
I dont know exactly, but it sure seems like a tall order.
What has 13 hearts but no organs?
A deck of cards
Why do ducks look down when flying?
To be sure they don't quack up.
Arial and Helvetica Walk Into A BarArial and Helvetica walk into a bar.
The bartender says, Hey, we dont serve your type. Get outta here before I call the Serif!
Get a load of this newbie, Helvetica scoffs. Whats your name, bartender?
Im Roman, but what does that have to do with anything? says the bartender, flustered at being hassled on his first shift.
Helvetica leans in. Well, get with the Times New Roman, she jeers. Someone *shot* the Serif!
What?! gasps Arial. Do you mean to say this whole town is Sans Serif?
Recently heard Satan had gotten fired from the shoe store..
They complained that he kept stealing soles!
Did you hear about the dictator who walked into a bar?
He ordered everyone around.
My friend bought a record player made out of chocolate.
It sounds pretty sweet.
Did you hear there is gonna be a clear droid in the new Star Wars show?
C-ThroughPO
I was teaching my son some astronomy, and he just couldnt focus. I pointed up to the stars and said, You think this is a joke?
He said, No, Dad, this is Sirius.
Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in the water....
.....you can safely wear it on your head....because it's capsized
I don't know why everybody dislikes vegans.
Personally I have never had a beef with them
Comic Sans and Times New Roman walk into a bar
The bartender says 'We don't serve your type here'