A swimmer was asked what her favourite stroke was
She replied The one that killed Margaret Thatcher.
I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds
Poor guy
Im sorry and I apologize mean the same thing
Except at a funeral
How does a polygamist hippie count his wives?
1 Mrs. Hippie. 2 Mrs. Hippie. 3. Mrs Hippie...
I walked past a farm and saw a sign that read: Duck, eggs!I thought, That comma seems unnecessary
Then it hit me.
My son came up to me crying."I'm getting bullied at school, dad. The children think I'm arrogant."
"Are they in your class?" I asked.
He said, "No, I'm much better obviously."
I was walking down the street this morning when I was suddenly hit by a violin, a clarinet, and a french horn
I think it was an orchestrated attack!
Dogs can bark up to 500 times a day
thats just a RUFF estimate.
If you're broke...What type of car should you buy?
Whichever one you can. A Ford.
When I feel lonely, I buy some shares at the stock market.
It's nice to have some company.
My balloon elephant wouldnt fit in the backseat of my car
so I had to pop it in the trunk.
After you die, what part of your body is the last to stop working?
your pupils. They dilate!
I just came across my wifes Tinder profile and Im so angry about her lies
She is not fun to be around.
I accidentally confused the words jacuzzi and yakuza
Now Im in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Now that the US and Canada have been eliminated from the World Cup, I feel like theres no reason for people who arent fans of soccer in those countries to continue to follow the tournamentBut then I remember that Switzerland is still in it.
Thats a big plus
I never planned on becoming a professional grave digger.
I sorta just fell into it.
If Americans smile....
Do Europeans skilometer?
I cant believe there are people out there wholl pay a doctor just to remove a band-aid.
What a rip-off!
I have this incredible ability to predict whats inside a wrapped present
its a gift!
On a date with a cannibal, I mentioned to her that I came from a blended family.
She lit up and said, Ooh I love smoothies!
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high
She looks surprised
What do they do when you Excel?
They spreadsheet about you
My grandfather has the heart of a lion.
And a lifetime ban from the zoo.
What is the worst combination of illnesses? Alzheimers and diarrhea.
Youre running but cant remember where.
I went to the mechanic, and he told me my car needs new brakes
I told him, "I don't need them, all they do is slow me down."