My girlfriend told me that sex is much better on vacation.
That wasnt a very nice postcard to receive.
I went to a Indian restaurant last night.After I had ordered, a little old lady came to me and said, "Aren't you polite. You have such lovely manners."
It was my complimentary nan
Where do bank robbers buy their getaway cars?
At the flee market.
How did the HVAC installer avoid getting hit in the head?
He duct
What do you call it when two monkeys get together and find out they're perfect for each other?
Prime mates.
What do you call an illiterate nazi?
Anti-semantic
My ex wife used to hit me with stringed instruments...
If only I had known she had a history of violins
Whats the difference between my kids overcrowded elementary school cafeteria and the dad jokes posted here?
One has terrible lunchlines.
I got mugged by six dwarves last night.
Not Happy.
I was going to tell you a joke about a vegan girl
But I'm sure it's one you've herbivore.
I ain't fancy like Elon Musk
So I put a gallon of apple juice in my pickup and called it a Cider Truck.
We were wrapping up breakfast at Cracker Barrel when the server approached my elderly father, I can take your plate if youre done eating. He replied, Eh? Whit did ye say? She leaned in and spoke louder, SIR, ARE YOU FINISHED?
He frowned, Och, hell naw! Ahm fae Scotland!!
Why do witches wear name tags?
So that they can tell witch is which!
Help me dads!
I work a customer facing position in a mine. Nonetheless, it has to be clean, and id prefer funny. I made the mistake of telling a couple nice ones from this sub, and now its expected! Agh! The pressure is awful! I love that people now want a silly dad joke , (which im serious about), but i am not a dad! I dont have them! Can you guys help me? The best ones are simple and short. Like, what three letter word starts with gas? Car! Why dont monsters eat ghosts? Because they taste like sheet! That ones a little close to HR, but you get the idea. Seasonal ones are awesome. It makes peoples day a little softer on the intro. Please help me!
Did you hear about the possessed cold cut?
It was a gabaghoul.
Where do pirates get their hooks?
Second hand stores.
Timmy: Mommy, I don't want to go to school today. The kids all bully me and call me names and stuff.
Mommy: Now come on Timmy, you know you have to go in. After all, you're the headmaster.
My half-brother and I got in trouble the other day
We're no longer allowed to play with the chainsaw
My deaf girlfriend told me she feels sick
that's not a good sign
Burglar.
Did you hear about the burglar who fell into a cement mixer?
Now hes a hardened criminal.
My wife asked if I had seen the dog bowl.
I said I didnt know he could.
Where do clock and watch makers get the third hands for their product?
At the second-hand store.
In other news......the sexual position formerly known as 69 will be replaced with 96.
Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up.
^One for the older kids^. Why do Monsters hate eating ghosts?
Because they taste like sheet.
What do you call an over used werewolf plot device?
A lycan trope