Possibly my finest hour
My wife and I came down with whatever violent cold is going around, sneezing, coughing, miserable. We got over it, but just couldn't shake the cough. After a few days, I was talking to a friend about it, and he mentioned getting an over-the-counter thing that really helped, so I bought a couple of boxes online. When they were delivered, my wife saw what they were and immediately got upset.

"You know I just got cold medicine a few days ago! You could have just asked where it was, and now we've got boxes and boxes of the stuff, and we'll have to store it, and it'll just be sitting around for years, and....."

When she finally wound down, I said, "You're right, I shouldn't have gotten it. I should have known you'd get upset. It even warned me."

"Huh?"

"Yeah, it says here on the box: 'Expect a rant.'"

I was arrested for playing loud music in a vegetable garden.
Charged with disturbing the peas.

They are making a new TV series starring a potato and a ear of corn.
It's going to be called starchy and husk.

What do you call a tiny court room
Trial sized

Why can't Mickey Mouse fly to Scotland?
His plane disneyland

I'm afraid of backstories.
It all started when ... aaaaAAAAAAHHHHH!

I ran into a lady at a Vegan restaurant who said she knew me
But I never met herbivore

ACCIDENTALLY WENT to "Tooters" instead of "Hooters" and now...
I'm enjoying some Tacos, 4 hard boiled eggs and a BIG bowl of chili.

What do you call a Saiyan thats vegan?
Veg-eta

SpaceX has decided what to name their first colony on Mars
Muskow

My friend denies there's a big northern territory in Canada with a lot of ice and islands...
...but I'm having Nunavut.

What did one currency say to the other currency?
I appreciate you

What did one toilet say to the other?
You look a bit flushed.

My Dad asked what I learned at school today
I told him 2 White guys liked pioneer. 3 Asain guys liked Samsung and 6 Black guys liked Sony. My dad, full therapist mode, puts his had on my shoulder and says, Son those are just stereo types.

A snail walks into a bar with a girl on his back.
The bartender asks: What are you?

Snail: I'm a snail.

Bartender asks: Who's that on your back?

Snail: Michelle.

Is it okay to post a pun here about chocolate and peanut butter having mixed candy babies?
Or is that considered a Reeses joke?

How do Canadians power their electronics?
Double eh batteries

How much does music equipment weigh in Jamaica?
A reggaeton!

Why is the word dark spelled with a K instead of a C?
Because you can't C in the dark.

What do you call Vin Diesel's brother?
Twin Diesel

What do you get when two oxen bump into each other?
An oxident!

Did you know every car has a rating for how they look in swimwear?
They all have a SPEEDO meter

I am currently watching a documentary on beavers
best damn show I have ever seen.

I saw an advert for adult literacy classes...
in the newspaper.