If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN...
They become VERY ANGRY.

I just turned 40 and I groan every time I get up now
Im finally a groan man

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal.
The doctor says, Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?

Larry replies, God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so Hes fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When Im done, poof! The light goes off.

Wow, thats incredible, the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larrys wife.

Bonnie... he says, Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because Im in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom and when hes done, poof, the light goes off?

Oh for Pete's sake!" exclaims Bonnie. Hes peeing in the refrigerator again!

What do you call a piano made from discarded pianos?
A Frankensteinway!

I just got put in handcuffs by some army ants
I didn't know there were war ants out for my arrest

I went to the local Ice Cream Parlor and the clerk said: We have a special on sundaes!
So I said: Ok, Ill come back.

Can you take off the corset, I can't breathe!"a woman said to her husband.
Sure, if it will make you stop laughing and tell me how I look in it.he replied.

Billie Joe Armstrong had a dog named Cologne
He walked Cologne, He walked Cologne!

(Courtesy my 12 year old!)

How did the alternate universe Spider Man pass his driver's test?
By being an excellent parallel parker.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only 1 but it takes years and the light bulb has to really want to change.

My wife works at the shoe shop....
She's my soul mate.

I renamed my iPhone Titanic.
It syncs now.

I went to see Wicked this weekend, but I have to say it was a huge disappointment.
There wasnt a single candle in the entire show.

I changed a light bulb, crossed the street and walked into a bar...
My life is a joke.

Someone handed me a pamphlet with crocodiles ranked from best to worst.
I said enough with your crocodile tiers!

What did the cops say when they arrested the lettuce?
You have the right to romaine silent.

What do you call a dad joke in the army?
General Context

I ordered the French dip and told the waiter to make sure it came with that fancy, whatever-its-called sauce. He goes, Au jus.
I said, Gesundheit.

What did 50 cent do when he was hungry?
58

There was a time I was so broke that I couldnt pay my electricity bills.
Those were the darkest days of my life.

The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said, "Happy...," and started timing on her watch.
After a long silence she said, "...40-second birthday." I was so proud.

My garden hose never worked because it was perverted.
Too kinky.

Doctor asks his patient "what's your zodiac sign". Patient replies"Cancer"
Doctor looks at test results and says "wow what a coincidence"

Did you hear about the snail who bought a sports car?
He painted an s on both sides so when he drove past people they would say "look at that s car go"

Question for nonbinary folk
Does this upset you?

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