Who does beyonc call if she needs her roof repaired ?
All the shingle ladies

The man asked me which card I wanted to get rid off.
"Discard", I said.

Why are there no Latinos in Lord of the Rings?
Because Juan does not simply walk into Mordor.

I farted, but tried to convince my wife it was her.
She said it was called gas lighting

Driving home depressed I saw a sign that said..Need help, Call Jesus 1-800-302-2756, so out of curiosity I did
A Mexican showed up in a tow truck

A guy walks into a bar with his ears bandaged up.
"What happened to your ears?" asks the bartender.

"I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron."

"But that only explains one ear. What about the other ear?"

"I had to use that ear to call the doctor."

What is between the Sun and the Earth?
And

What kind of vehicle is never driven by women?
A Mail Truck

I was driving down the road, and someone was too close behind. I knew they weren't a crocodile...
...Because they were a tail-gator.

The police finally caught the guy who was giving illegal circumcisions.
I wonder what tipped them off.

Why did the gangsters have such good-looking hair?
Because they were members of an Arganized crime family

What do you call a prison phone?
A cell phone!

If you take care of a chicken...
Doesn't that make you a chicken tender? -credit to my son

What Pasta makes someone answer the door?
Gnocci

I walked into the psych ward today to check myself in. The nurse handed me a form with a space for my name and I wrote down Alexander Hamilton & Aaron Burr
She immediately said, Oh, I see. Duel personality.

I met a pregnant auctioneer.
"How far going going gone are you?" I asked her.

I asked my Mum if I was ugly.
She snapped back and said, I told you not to call me Mom in front of people.

What is the limit
We have a dachshund, Duke, velcroed to me, sleeps with me. But I caught a pink eye from I believe his dander itch-rubbed in. Turned very bad I had to go to urgent care.

Awhile ago, I shooed Duke from my side on the recliner and asked my wife to take him. She eyed me reproachfully so I said deadpan "I love Duke, but sty is the limit." She rewarded me the so rare mix of smile, "nice one", and nod of approval.

I cant come up with any good palindromes.
Dammit Im Mad

How many optometrists does it take to screw a lightbulb?
Is it one? Or two?

Did yall know New York is the opposite of Minnesota?
New York is where the big apple is, and Minnesota is where Minneapolis

Looking at the menu and I told my wife I was going to get something easy. She said, "Chicken strips for $6?"
A chicken making some money on the side won't help my hunger.

How does a Christmas tree get ready to go to a Christmas party?
It "spruces" itself up!

My son has a girlfriend named Winter
They only date 3/4 of the year. She melts in the summer.

(This is my husbands joke about my sons girlfriend. He asked me to post this. Please dont beat me up)

I look so good eating fruit
Every time I'm holding a banana my wife says I'm a peeling