I just discovered that the word 'nothing' is a palindrome...
Backwards it spells 'gnihton', which also means nothing.

A factory worker died after falling into a vat of coffee.
Paramedics said he didn't suffer - it was instant.

My girlfriend crashed our car this morning.
When the police came she said the guy involved was on his mobile and eating a pie at the time.

The police advised her the guy was entitled to do what he wanted in his own living room.

My dad told me that if I did what I loved, I would never work a day in my life.
So i thanked him and just play video games in his basement all day every day.

Have you heard about the French suicide bomber?
Napoleon blownapart

I really wish drivers would learn not to tailgate ...
... besides, those red and blue flashing lights on your car look ridiculous!

What does Donald trump call the people who dont support his plan to build giant monuments in Washington DC?
His Arch-Enemies

Why was the basketball court all wet?
People kept dribbling all over it.

I got fired from the clock factory.
I thought putting in extra hours was supposed to be a good thing.

i like to throw soy sauce at sad people ...
you know, Kikkoman when he's down

My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo.
I had to put my foot down.

I programmed a new pirates game.
It's an ARRRRRPG.

Years ago, while shopping, I was struggling to find the merch from the new Terminator film... So i asked a member of staff to direct me...
He said 'Aisle B, Back'

Our county used to have three medical examiners.
Now we only have one.

With todays economy, it seems everyone is

cutting coroners.

Tried to teach my dog how to dance
but the poor girl's got two left feet.

Current AI-models are closer to PhD-level intelligence
The next release we should expect them to be as intelligent as someone who decided not to do a PhD

I tried to return a pair of worn Scooby Doo undies today but the shop wouldnt accept them
Id have gotten away with it if it wasnt for those pesky skids

My neighbour banged on the wall at 4:30am this morning!!!!
Can you believe it. Lucky I was still awake listening to music.

They banged and shouted "Can we have a little respect please?"

I shouted back "I'm not a big Aretha Franklin fan but this ones for you"

What do you call a toothless bear?
A gummy bear.

Did you hear the department of transportation is laying off thousands of workers?
They invented a shovel that stands up by itself.

The clerk at the DMV asked how I pronounce my last name.
I said, Oh, I use a combination of my vocal cords, tongue, and lips.

Christmas stock has already arrived at my local supermarket. I caved and bought a chocolate advent calendar but I fear it wont last until Christmas
Its days are numbered.

That's a great ham you got there
It would be shame if someone put an S in front and E behind it.

I don't trust stairs....
They are always up to something.

Whats a pirates favorite letter?
If you guessed R, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Everyone knows a pirate's first love is the C.