The female janitor asked me if I wanted to smoke weed with her.
I said no; I dont like high maintenance women
A cop knocks at the door. "Mr Smith, may I see a photo of your wife, please?"
"Certainly, there you are" says Mr Smith.

"I'm sorry" says the cop. "It looks like your wife was hit by a bus."

Mr Smith replies "That's true, but she's a great cook."

Not a joke I want to thank whoever posted the joke about having peekaboo virus last week
My daughter is a nurse in the UK National Health Service and I sent it to her on WhatsApp:

Hi darling, I dont want to worry you but Ive been diagnosed with peekaboo syndrome.
.
.
.
Theyre taking me to the ICU.

She replied with the eye rolling emoji and I said Id really enjoyed it. She replied:

I liked it but I'm mad about it because it caught me out. Because I naturally worry about your health.

This is peak dad jokes to me.

I wrote a book about the Black Death and sent it to a publisher, but they rejected it
They accused me of Plaguerism.
Scissors in the freezer
This happened a few years ago. My wife had cut up some multi-packs of chicken from Costco before putting them in the deep freezer and accidentally left the scissors in the basket inside the top of the freezer. A few hours later my then 16yo son goes to grab something out of said freezer, and yells out "Why would anyone put a pair of scissors in the freezer?! Who did it? Why!?!?" I yelled back "I don't know but, they OBVIOUSLY wanted some cold cuts"
Did you hear about the scientist who tried to cross a cheetah's DNA with a crab's?
Things went sideways real fast.
What do you call it when a person dies and comes back as a cowboy?
Reintarnation
Which pasta is most likely to fix an awards show?
Rigatoni.
5 years ago, I asked out the love of my life
Today I asked her to marry me.

She said "No" both times.

What do you call an alligator that solves mysteries?
An investiGator.
Books that were never written:
Running to the Outhouse by Willy Makit
Illustrated by Betty Wont
A street magician once told me to 'pick a card any card'
I took his American Express
Dad Joke caught in the wild, irl
The brand name of my bone broth:

- College Inn

Give those folks an award.

I tripped on a box of Kleenex and hurt my leg.
I went to the doctor and he said you have some minor tissue damage...
I asked my dog what is 2 - 2?

He said nothing.

What do you call a turtle that stays up all night?
Nocturtle
Did you hear about the Egyptian God that got a computer?
He went online to check his Horuscope.
An algae and a fungus started a podcast together
Lichen Subscribe
Hills really don't want to become mountains
They're not so inclined
Did you hear about the clown who turned into a mushroom?
He was a real fungi
Why isnt holy water found in vaccines?
Cant take the Lords name in vein.
I tripped on my girlfriend's bra on the floor.
It was a booby trap.
TOP 10 LIST OF NUMBERS 1-10

  1. Coming in last is the number 10. The extra digits slows it down.

  2. At number 9 is the number 9. Number 9 lived a tragic short life before being eaten

  3. Coming at number 8 is the number ocho.

  4. At number 7 is the number 7. The cannibal ! The monster!

  5. At number 6 is the number 6. A scared number until it hangs out with number 7. Then it delights young ones and annoys adults around of the world

  6. Coming in at number 5 is the number 5. This is just an odd number.

  7. At number 4 is the number 3. It failed to make the top 3

  8. At number 3 is the number 4. Just four the heck it.

  9. At number 2 is the number two. It is never lonely.

  10. And coming in at number one is the number one. Its number 1! Its number 1!

And that is my list of the top 10 numbers from 10 to 1

What does a train do with gum?
Chew-chew.
What is a vampires favourite soup?
Ghoul-ash