Do you know why there are Pop tarts but no Mom tarts???
Because of the pastryarchy!
Whats the best way to stop an unwanted erectionZoning laws. If someone is erecting something near your property that you dont like, inform the local city council.
Thank you,u/monkeyboatrentals for the pun
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties
now I sneak out of parties to go to my house
The police finally caught the guy who was giving illegal circumcisions.
I wonder what tipped them off.
They finally caught the guys who was having sex with all the farm animals but he escaped...
Now hes on the lamb.
I'm writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It's an oughtobiography.
The Pharaoh could not believe he was drowning.
He was in the Nile
Do you know what really borders on stupidity???
Mexico and Canada!
I saw a man with one arm shopping in a second hand store
I dont think he will find what hes looking for
What is Jesuss favorite band?
Nine inch Nails!
Why do Trump want Greenland?
It's got a lot of ICE
If you have ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly...
Because communication is key.
My son has a girlfriend named WinterThey only date 3/4 of the year. She melts in the summer.
(This is my husbands joke about my sons girlfriend. He asked me to post this. Please dont beat me up)
Why did the architect dip his fingers in blue paint ?
So he can get the blue prints
During a family video shoot I told my wife I think the camera adds 10 to 15 pounds.
She agreed and suggested I set it down to rest my shoulder.
Why does a Flamingo lift up one leg?
Because if it lifted up both legs, it would fall over.
I thought my wifes closet was chaotic!
Her clothes werent arranged by color or by pattern or by fabric. I mean, she had a red heavily sequined blouse hanging next to a blue blouse that had several sequins on it. And then there was a green dress that had just a few sequins on it. And next to that was a black dress that didnt have any sequins. And then I realized she was arranging things more orderly than I thought. After all, her clothes were hanging in sequintial order!
The man asked me which card I wanted to get rid off.
"Discard", I said.
Who does beyonc call if she needs her roof repaired ?
All the shingle ladies
Why doesnt Ed have a girlfriend?
Sheeran away
A donkey walks into a bar and suddenly passes out.
The bartender asks him "Are you deadass?"
Despite the teachers warnings, my son kept trying to convince his classmates he was a bridge, so she sent him to the principals office.
He was suspended.
A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'...
"My neighbour was painting the outside of his house with a two inch brush, and my Dad said that it would take the contagious."
What is between the Sun and the Earth?
And
A man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to his priest.Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic."
"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."
"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question..."
"What is that, my son?"
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"