I was doing well while taking and engineering exam until I reached a question about tensile strength about a bridge. The multiple choice answers did not match my answer and I wrote on the answer sheet that I could not calculate because the span of the bridge was not included.
After the test, I told the professor that I did not see the span in the description of the question and I needed that to get the right answer.

He responded, "Noooooo one expects the span is in the question!"

What do The White House and skinny jeans have in common?
No ball room.

At our family reunion picnic, I told my wife it wouldnt be the same without Grandpa. He passed away this year, and for decades he was the one keeping the flies away from the food. Now that responsibility falls to me.
She squeezed my hand and said, I know, babe. Youve got big shoos to fill.

What do you call a man in the water with no arms and no legs?
Bob.

It's ridiculous that men wear jackets to formal occasions while women can go sleeveless
I thought the constitution gave men the right to bare arms.

John was unable to choose between two girls...
So he asked his friend Gary for help deciding which girl to be with.

John: I'm devoted to Kate but Edith is my dream girl, she's all I've ever wanted.

Gary: Then you should be with Edith.

John: But I love Kate and could never leave her...

Gary: Then you should stay with Kate.

John: But I also want to be with Edith, I can't miss this opportunity!

Gary: You can't have your Kate and Edith too.

My wife asked me if I had any Q tips.
I told her I usually make the O first then put the line on it diagonally

My brother just quit his job as lawyer to become a dog breeder...
He prefers boxers over briefs.

Where do pirates keep their spare change?
In a jARRRR

What generation was Forrest Gump?
Gen-A

How do you loose 10 Pounds eating a piece of cake?
You just have to get your cake in central London.

Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
Think about it when is the last time you ate a monkey

I went to the pet shop and said that I wanted a pet fish
The guy said 'Do you want an aquarium?'

I said 'I don't care what star sign it is!'

(Tim Vine)

What is it called when you forget to put the pizza sauce on a pizza ?
A Marin-error.

Police work
Whats the name of the lady who does the chalk outlines at crime scenes ?
Tracy.

Dad jokes can be NSFW. And i'm gonna say why.
Why

Im singing because I got a great deal on 8 loaves of Afghan flatbread and 2 bales of fall seasonal decore
Naan, naan, naan, naan naan, naan, naan, naan hay, hay good buy!

Which city loves fresh eggs?
New Yolk

I took my mum to the hospital
The doctor asked 'What happened?'

I said ' A row of books fell on her head.'

The doctor replied 'You've only got your shelf to blame.'

(Tim Vine)

Why did the orange stop in the middle of the road?
It ran out of juice.

Old McDonald had a calculator
01313

When does a duck wake up
At the quack of dawn

Did you know if you go to bed in full armor
Its the best way to get a full knights sleep

I hate my job. All I do is crush cans all day.
It's soda pressing.

You have 2 wolves inside you
Mozart had 7 or 8 wolves inside him. That's why they called him Wolfgang.