I broke up with my girlfriend because I found out she was a communist.
I should have known. There were red flags everywhere.

As my daughter was walking out the door to go on her first date, in my best grumpy old tough guy dad voice, I growled, "I want her home before midnight." The boy she was going with stopped dead in his tracks, turned slowly around and with wide eyes replied....
"But you already own her home!"

Really happened (I-5 in CA) - I saw a sign on the freeway that said corn maze ahead, so of course I told my girlfriend "I bet its amazing."
Without missing a beat she replied "your so corny."

Why should you never rub avocados in your eyes?
Well, you could get guacoma.

Why did the 9V battery get kicked out of the group?
It was an AA meeting.

I had to tell my patient I'd dreadfully messed up his plastic surgery.
I'll never forget the look on his elbow.

What do you call the shortest mother ever?
The minimum.

I refuse to eat steak on the beach.
Thats my loin in the sand.

I was starving to death and my friend lent me some spices....
Now I'm living on borrowed thyme.

I do a lot of illegal things...
But graffiti is where I draw the line.

The other day, someone ripped out the 5th month out of my calendar.
I'm dismayed.

Mannequin.
When I was younger I had a job as a shop window mannequin.

I held that position for a long time.

He admitted that he didn't know anything about the cloning machine.
I said: "That makes two of us!"

You can cook prawn all you want.
But they'll still be raw in the middle.

I asked the book store owner if she knew the book about Pavlov's dogs and Shroedinger's cat.
She said, "I don't know if I have it or not, but it rings a bell."

In today's news, Little Red Riding Hood was found in critical condition.
Paramedics say she's stable at the moment, but she's not out of the woods yet.

My wife was complaining that I never buy her flowers.
I didnt even know she sold them.

I didnt want to admit to myself that my friend was stealing road markers
But when I saw his bedroom, all the signs were there.

My friend has been engaged 5 times, but never married.
That's a lot of near misses.

I hired a landscape gardener but he couldnt help me.
.my garden is portrait

I used to have a job as a shop mannequin.
I held that position for a long time.

Most actors eat with a fork
but Reese Witherspoon.

Why are guys such great cooks
Because with just two eggs and a sausage, they can fill a belly for 9 months

I bought a vacuum cleaner to replace my old one.
The new one really sucks!

I was going to buy a kfc franchise
But I chickened out .