I just heard some very concerning news. The singer, Sting, has gone missing
The Police have no lead.

Why was Captain Picard such a good gardener?
He knew exactly when to, "Make it sow."

Promised my wife I'd fix the leaky tap three years ago.
It's a running joke now.

I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.

what's the difference between a Vietnamese restaurant and an Indian restaurant?
One is pho profit, the other is naan profit.

What's the smallest knife in the kitchen?
An 8 inch chef's knife.

Seriously -- can you image just how small the knives would have to be for an 8 inch chef to hold them?

I went to the doctor because I kept thinking I was a pair of curtains
He told me to pull myself together

Did you know Dracula's girlfriend has an onlyFangs?
Heard she was a battie

My coworker that I've worked with for 14 years is retiring and I need a good on-theme dad joke to put in his card.
Edit: I used 2 of the jokes (the lightbulb one and the "who likes Mondays" one) and they went over great!

Thanks all!

A dishevelled female pig walks into a bar. Bartender asks, "Tough day?"
The pig responds: "I'm a frayed sow."

My girlfriend told me there was a skinny pervert at the Halloween party last night dressed as a pickle-flavored pancake, making inappropriate comments to all the women.
I said, Sounds like a disgusting crpe.

Auto-targeting the enemy is not a new technology.
It was made a sentry ago

Whats a ghosts favorite car?
A Boo-gatti

A box of chocolates has about 5,400 calories.
Dont eat the box and youll be fine.

Where do sick kangaroos go?
hopital

Toilet paper is the MVP of the bathroom
It's been on a roll

Did you know that Spider-Man has a Winter jacket made out of flatbread?
It's a Pita Parka

What does a bird of prey do when it accidentally swallows some feathers
Hawk tuuuaaaaahhh

How did Kermit get a girlfriend?
He pulled pork.

Where's the best place in the UK to neatly store away your cats?
Felixstowe

What's another name for an Asian assassin?
Chinese take-out

(First day as a vet)
Me: What seems to be the problem

Cat: Meow

Me: Yes, but where?

What do you call someone who teaches dogs to dance?
A corgi-ographer

It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But harder to deter gents.