Scissors in the freezer
This happened a few years ago. My wife had cut up some multi-packs of chicken from Costco before putting them in the deep freezer and accidentally left the scissors in the basket inside the top of the freezer. A few hours later my then 16yo son goes to grab something out of said freezer, and yells out "Why would anyone put a pair of scissors in the freezer?! Who did it? Why!?!?" I yelled back "I don't know but, they OBVIOUSLY wanted some cold cuts"
Why isnt holy water found in vaccines?
Cant take the Lords name in vein.
Hills really don't want to become mountains
They're not so inclined
What does a train do with gum?
Chew-chew.
I tried to tell jokes on Zoom during a work meeting
Apparently, I wasn't even remotely funny.
Did you know that the Princess Bride never had kids?
Inconceivable
Did you know the eye is the last thing to shut down when a person passes?
Because it dilates
I tripped on a box of Kleenex and hurt my leg.
I went to the doctor and he said you have some minor tissue damage...
Personally I like geothermal energy a lot
It gives me a warm fuzzy feeling inside
Clark Kent and a cannibal walk into a restaurant
The waiter says, "Soup or man?"
My son was going on his first overnight hunting trip...
He wanted to get some new gear for the trip so we headed to Scheels (massive sporting goods store) to pick some things up. We got just about everything on the list and he tells me, "I think I got everything, but couldn't find the camo pants." So I walk him over and point to the aisle. He just stares at it and says, "Where?" I point again. He repeats himself. I start to get frustrated and ask, "How can you NOT see them? They're right th" And then I realized I had raised my son right.
Just finished reading a biography of the Dalai LamaApparently, he rarely wears shoes, so the soles of his feet have grown incredibly thick from walking everywhere barefoot.
And he often fasts, leaving his body in a perpetually weakened state. When he does eat, it's only rancid meat and spoiled vegetables to show his humility, which gives him terrible breath.
In summary, he's a super callused, fragile mystic with extra halitosis.
What do you call a cult thats hard to get into?
Difficult
I do a lot of illegal things,
But graffiti is where I draw the line.
My kids asked me how much allowance did I get as a teenager per week?
Me: I was allowed to live there.
Steve Miller (the rock and roll Steve Miller) dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates...St. Peter: Tell me about yourself.
SM: I'm a picker.
St. Peter: Nice.
SM: I'm a grinner.
St. Peter: That's nice too.
SM: I'm a lover.
St. Peter: Great. Anything else?
SM: Uhm, no.
A friend and dad to be has told me this joke several times over the years. Well 45 minutes ago it actually happened to me in real life!A knock on the door. My wife's answers.
"There's a salesman here with a bald head!" She shouted.
"Tell him I already have one!" I replied.
I called him and we did nothing but laugh for what seemed like 20 full minutes.
If the recipe calls for two eggs, and you use a chicken and an ostrich egg, the results may be off.
Do not be unequally yolked.
What is a zombie bodybuilders favourite thing?
GAAAAIIIIINS!
What do you call a drunk bee?Buzzed.
Rate my joke 0/10?
My friend tattooed his favourite Star Wars character on his cheek.
You should have seen the Luke on his face.
Did you hear about the guy in the Middle East who started a company that converts land mines into prayer mats?
Someone was saying prophets are through the roof
Today is the perfect day
Some would even say it's 10/10
What do puns, farts and children have in common.
Theyre only funny when they're youre own.
Whats a Pirates favorite letter?aRRRRgh (obviously)
Aye (i), but his true love B the C