My wife went to the spa today and got a bikini wax
She told me it made her feel like a million bucks.

I said she looked like a Brazilian.

(I had to explain this joke to my wife ...and she is Brazilian)

The doctor asked me on scale of 1-10, what my arthritic pain level was. I told him Pi.
He asked, "Pi?"

I said, "yes, my pain is a little greater than a 3, and it's continously shifting slightly, but never ending."

[True story, the doctor laughed.]

What do you call a woman that lights all her bills on fire?
Bernadette

Was happy with my timing
Two weekends ago I was driving my family and dogs to a park for a walk and was following a pickup truck towing a decent-sized enclosed livestock trailer. He out accelerated me twice after two red lights and I said "this guy is just wasting gas" and then we stopped at a third red light and he really ripped out of there.

Then my dad senses hit me and I said "shit, well then I guess that trailer must have just been full of donkeys"....and they didn't say anything for a second, and then said "um....why?"

And I said "Because they're really hauling ass!!".

I know it isn't original, but the timing and their genuine pause and confusion because they didn't get it at first was just perfect for me as a silly dad.

If Marshall Mathers was ever knighted...
Could you call him "His Emineminence?"

My son asked if he could study common golf course rodents.
I told him, "Gopher it!"

What do you call an alligator that uses GPS?
A navigator!

I got the latest Porsche 911 turbo s for my wife today...
I think it was a fair trade!

I threw a ball for my dog.
I threw a ball for my dog. It was a bit extravagant, but it was his birthday. And he looks great in a dinner jacket. He was fetching.

Why do you have to salute commonly known facts?
Because its General Knowledge

I used to think South America had only hot weather.
But it turns out, parts of it are Chile.

I'm reading a book on anti-gravity.
It's impossible to put it down.

Science has proven that women who put on a few pounds live longer
Science has proven that women who put on a few pounds live longer than the men who point it out.

Working out is like a drug to me
I dont do drugs

I have a vacuum cleaner collection at home.
It's inside the attic, collecting dust

Did you guys hear about the cellphones that were on trial?
Being charged with battery

Bono told me he liked me.
I told him I like U2.

Did you hear the Jolly Green Giant was fired?
He got canned.

Made this joke for my parents on their 40th, my dad being a retired pilot.
Two pilots are flying in formation when they look down and see a funeral procession on the road below.

The first pilot peels off, flies low over the procession, dips his wings in honor of the departed, and rejoins the formation.

The second pilot radios over: "That was very nice of you."

The first pilot radios back: "Well, I was married to her for forty years."

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims

Overheard my kids arguing
9 year old: Youre adorable

6 year old: No Im not!

9: Yes you are! Youre adorable, period!

6: Im not and my names not period!

I bought a chicken to make sandwiches
But, it couldn't make sandwiches. It just made a lot of noise and messed up the house.

A drunk guy wakes up in jail and says "Why am I here officer?"
"For drinking." replies the cop.

"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"

Stop putting flyers on my car
Stop putting flyers on my car!

No, I don't want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse."

The new Lego shop near my place just opened up...
It was a huge turn out, people were queued up for blocks!