Professor X asks a young girl: Whats your superpower?
The girls responds I can predict exactly how many pulls of a ceiling fan string is needed to turn it off. For example, the one above your head needs 3.

Professor X gets up and pulls the string 3 times and as she predicted, it turns off.

Wow, thats impressive, Professor X tells her. But thats not really a superpower.

Yeah youre right, The girl responds. I was just kidding. I can actually heal paraplegics

What does Excel and an incel have in common?
Both misinterpret things as a date.
Just been in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask
I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?"

She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."

Made this up to annoy my teenager. I apologize in advance.
What version of heaven do numbers go to when they die?

6-Heaven

Just opened my water bill and my electric bill at the same time.
I was shocked.
If King Charles accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.
Noble gases should have no reaction.
A man was waiting for his wife to give birth
The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. What came out was just literally just a head.

But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he was proud of him, and ordered the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, the boy took his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso popped out!

The bar was dead silent, then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The bartender shook his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms popped out!

The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" But the bartender ignored the whole affair.

By this time, the boy was getting tipsy. With his new hands, he reached down, grabbed the drink, and guzzled the last of it.

Swoooop! Two legs popped out.

The bar was in chaos. The father wept with joy. The boy stood up on his new legs. He stumbled to the left. He stumbled to the right. Then he stumbled through the front door and into the street, where a truck ran him over.

The bar fell silent. The father moaned with grief. The bartender merely sighed and said,

He should have quit while he was ahead.

I can't believe my neighbor had the nerve to bang on my door at 3am.
Fortunately I was still up at the time playing the drums.
I got convicted for stealing a banana.
I wont be appealing.
What do you call a row of rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare line.
Who lives next door to Robin Hood?
Neighbour Hood.
Did you hear about the dairy farmer who was labeling his low-fat milk as whole milk?
He was skimming.
My girlfriend thinks using a condom somehow increases the risk of pregnancy. I told her - no no.. thats a
Common missed-conception
What do you call someone who sells prosthetics to dwarfs who are amputees?
A small arms dealer
Why did the mushroom go to jail?
He lost his morel compass
I just burned 2,000 calories.
Thats the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Chocolates
An Astronaut met up with an ET, and surprisingly, they were able to effectively communicate. For hours they sat and talked about their own home planets. After a while, the discussion turned to religion.

"Have you ever heard of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ?" The astronaut asked.

The Alien immediately smiled and replied: "Jesus??? I love that guy! He was in my wedding! That guy saved us a bunch on wine, I'll tell ya!"

"He was in your wedding? How old are you? Jesus walked the earth some 2500 years ago!"

Confused the alien replied "Hmmm, that's strange- he comes to our planet every 5 years or so for a visit. It's great! He comes down from heaven, we give him a box of our best chocolates, and then hang out and party for a few weeks until it's time to go."

"This makes no sense! Jesus has yet to return to our planet!" The Astronaut replied, confused.

The alien scratched his head and replied "So strange he's not visiting you guys more often. Must've been the chocolates."

Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a petri dish
the results speak for themselves!
I told my shoes we were going for a walk.
They said, "Finally, some sole purpose."
Once you hire a company to assemble your books, theres no turning back.
Youre in a binding agreement.
No engine no wheels
My 9 year old asked me what mode of transportation has an engine but no wheels?

He answered- Helicopter.

I asked him what mode of transportation has no engine, no wheels but has eggs.

I answered - Your leggs ;)

My kid loved it and I am proud of mysel! Yay!!

Rumour has it the next Bond villain is a Swedish female golfer. The movie?
Golf Inger
What part you your body smells the most?
Your nose.
My landlord sent me a text saying we need to talk about how high my air-conditioning bill is.
I responded: Come by any time, my door is always open.
(Actually happened) My wife was telling me about our kids' first visit to their new pediatrician
My kids got a new pediatrician because their former one retired.

Yesterday, my daughter went in for her first visit, but during the appointment, my wife kept getting interrupted by texts and phone calls, as she had been responsible for picking up and distributing 70 dozen Krispy Kreme for a school fundraiser.

I told her that if she didn't want to be interrupted during the appointment, she shouldnt've set her phone to Donut Disturb.