What do you call a kinky pasta?
A fetishini.
I dated this stunning girl once. She was a communist, originally from from China, but I met her while working in Switzerland. We lived in Dennark first then moved to Turkey and went on holiday in Canada. Then she cheated on me. I was devastated, but I really should have known better
There had been a lot of red flags
My son was complaining about being cold so I told him to go stand in the corner. He asked why, so I told him
Its 90 degrees.
Did you know that New York and Minnesota are exact opposites of each other?
Because, New York is where the Big Apple is, and Minnesota is where Minneapolis.
Germans must have short phone numbers
I asked this girl for her number and she told me "nine".
My kid said Jim Morrison is overrated,
So I sent him to his room. Nobody slams The Doors in my house. . .
Youve heard of a Rolls Royce? Well, I drive a Rolls Canardly.
It rolls down one hill, and canardly get up the next!
If someone from Holland married a Filipino, what would their children be?
Hollapinos!
How do you get Lady Gaga's attention?
Just poker face.
What noble gas do pirates miss the most when it leaves?
Argon.
I was going to tell you a joke about a girl who only eats plants
But you probably never heard of herbivore
I finally had sex with herbs
My thyme has come
Did you hear about the cow that got arrested for milking herself?!?
She committed an illegal u-churn!
Sadly the inventor of the throat lozenge has died..
There will be no coffin at his funeral.
What do you get when you rub two oranges together?
Pulp friction
Shout out to sidewalks
If it weren't for them, I'd be on the streets!
I told my therapist that I caught my wife in bed with my best friend yesterday.She asked "You bitter?"
I responded "Yeah... Then I bit him too."
I came home from my morning walk with a bloody arm
My wife, panicked, asked what happened. I explained that as I was walking through the neighborhood, a big dog got loose and attacked me. My wife said, My god, what if that had been a child? I got upset with her and snapped, I could have easily fought off a child, Susan!
My Youngest Set Me Up With a Perfect OpeningMy youngest works at one of those places that sells bath soaps, scented oils and things like that. I manage a different store in the same mall.
They stopped in after a shift, and while they were talking to my managers and I, they asked do you like rose?
I responded actually, I prefer columns.
I completely short-circuited their entire brain for a moment.
Completely worth it.
My son asked me how we stop our terrier Peggy from over-heating in the summer. I said maybe put some mustard on her. He looked confused
Maybe its just me but I always find mustard works well on a hot dog
Some guys were arguing next to my car. Me, Hey youre gonna have a problem if you touch my car. They both reached over and touched it.
I said, One side of a rectangle is 3 inches shorter than the other side. If we increase the length of each side by 1 inch, the area of the rectangle increases by 18 square inches. Find the lengths of all sides.
Why is the road afraid of the bike lane?
Because it's a cyclepath.
What do you call people who eat State Fair food?
Carnievores
Class room anticsA teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.
She read "And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said:
'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"
The teacher paused, then asked the class: "And what do you think the man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter of factly,
"I think the man would have said, Well, dang a talking pig
My dad fixed my oven so I was able to start heating up left overs
He said now I can quit cold turkey