A man claims he has the smartest dog in the world. His friend doesnt believe him.Prove it, the friend says.
The man points to his dog and says, Go get me something to eat.
The dog runs off and comes back with a sandwich.
Lucky guess, says the friend.
The man tries again: Go get me something to drink.
The dog runs off and comes back with a soda.
The friend is impressed but still skeptical.
Alright ask him something harder.
The man nods and says, Whats on top of a house?
The dog barks, Roof!
The friend laughs. Thats it? Any dog could do that!
The dog looks at him and says,
You wanted me to say shingles?
Werner Heisenberg and Erwin Schrodinger are speeding down a deserted Nevada highway in a black Cadillac at 120 miles per hour. Georg Ohm is in the back seat.Eventually a Nevada state trooper pulls them over. The trooper walks up and says, "do you fellas know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg says "no, but we can tell you our location at the time."
The trooper tells them he needs to inspect the vehicle. He circles around back, pops the trunk, and finds a body inside.
The trooper comes back to the passenger window, gun drawn, and shouts: "Did you know there was a dead body in that trunk?"
Schrodinger rolls his eyes and says: "Well yeah... now we do..."
The trooper calls for backup and all three men are taken into custody. Heisenberg and Schrodinger went quietly, but Ohm resisted.
Whenever I get insecure around pretty girls I reach into my pocket to grab a tiny rock.
Then I feel a little boulder.
To whoever stole my camo jacket and my flip flops-
You can hide, but you cant run
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs......at a barbecue? Frank
...in a swimming pool? Bob
...getting towed by a jet ski? Skip
...in a hole? Phil
...in a pile of leaves? Russell
[ adding some via comments ]
...hanging on the wall? Art
...in a mailbox? Bill
...on a doorstep? Matt
...at the beach? Sandy
...in a shower curtain? Rod
....in a lion's cage? Claude
My friend asked me if I could name two structures that hold water.
I was like Well dam.
What do you call an Irish girl sitting on the front porch?
Patty O'Furniture
I used to tend bar at a little place across the street from a hospital here in town.One afternoon, a guy walked in wearing a hospital gown, dragging an IV stand still hooked up to his arm.
I figured it was unusual, but around here, you learn not to ask too many questions.
I asked what hed like, and without missing a beat he said, Ill take two beers, two stouts, four whiskey and cokes, three gin and tonics, and six shots of tequila.
It sounded like he was stocking a party, but he was all alone.
Still, customers a customer, so I got to work pouring everything he ordered.
One by one, I lined the drinks up across the bar, and he started knocking them back like there was no tomorrow.
Beer, then cocktails, then straight to the tequilashot after shot, quick as you like.
Didnt even pause for breath, just kept going till every last drop was gone.
He let out a sigh, looked at me real serious, and said, I really shouldnt have done that with what Ive got.
I said, Oh yeah? What have you got?
He said, About four bucks.
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You know why you should always knock before opening the fridge door?
In case there's a salad dressing
What do you call a female officer playing the guitar?
She Riff
What is a pirate's favorite letter?
You probably said "ARR" but nope. It's the letter P... because without it he's irate.
I tried to make a belt out of watches.
It was a waist of time.
Will glass coffins be successful?
Remains to be seen
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Never mind I wont spread it
To whoever stole my giant wall clock:
You messed up BIG time.
How is the Grinch like a pile of Pistachios?
They're both green, salty, and nuts.
A drunk says to a bartender "listen buddy -- you see that brass spittoon at the end of the bar? I'll bet you a hundred bucks I can take a piss, spinning around, and still get every drop in that spittoon." The bartender finds this ridiculous and says "it's a bet, you're on."So the drunk climbs up on the bar and unzips his pants. He starts to urinate, spinning wildly, and the urine flies everywhere. Not a single drop goes into the spittoon.
The bartender laughs and says, "Ha! I knew it! You owe me a hundred bucks!"
"Ahh, that's ok," says the drunk.
"See that frowning guy in the corner? I bet him a thousand bucks I could piss all over your bar and you'd laugh about it..."
If at first you don't succeed
Then skydiving is not for you
Did you hear about the SCUBA diver who always took an extra tank with him?
He aired on the side of caution.
Why do we tell actors to "break a leg?"
Because every play has to have a cast.
Whats the warmest animal?
Otter
Apparently eating a sample strawberry in the produce section is fine
But take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and suddenly its Get Out!
What do you call a man that has finished digging the hole?
Doug.
Mountains aren't funny
They're hill areas
I found a place where I can buy dog meat.
It's sold by the pound...