Why is bread like the sun?
It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist

I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck.
I

I have a meeting at the bank later and if its a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.

Im so excited I can barely put on my ski mask

Very proud of my son for this one
After I commented on how big he's getting, he replied

'maybe it's because you've been taking me to the growcery store'

He's 8

A man holding a large block of asphalt walks into a bar...
He says to the bartender, "A beer for me, and one for the road"

If Las Vegas is Sin City
What is Cos City and Tan City?

What do you call a cow that cant give milk?
An udder disappointment.

What do you call a famous musician with yellow skin?
Elton Jaundice

When I was much younger, I played in a band.
Our name was The Hinges.

We always opened for The Doors.

what does a cow say when its hurt?
"c-ow!"

I found out that the library is the tallest building in town
It has the most stories..

Heather and Marie are old friends. They have both been married to their husbands for a long time.
Marie is upset because she thinks her husband doesn't find her attractive anymore.

"As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Marie cries.

"I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day, replies Heather.

"Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer!"

Dad Jokes to compete with supervisor
Long story short my supervisor likes to do a dad joke before every shift and likes to challenge everyone to have a better one so I need some to throw back at him. Send the best ones ya got no setup or punchlines just straight and direct ones please

"Dad, I can't find Mom in the house. Do you think she's on the roof?"
I consider that *highly* unlikely.

(Actual conversation with my 8-year-old this evening.)

I dont really care for coffee
Its not my cup of tea

You know why you should always buy the smaller bottle of bleach?
Cuz it's a little cleaner

What do you call it when JK Rowling visits the ocean?
Surf 'n' TERF

If someone calls you fat, ignore them...
You're much bigger than that.

you probably dont know how to get rich in the field of metallurgy.
I dont know either but you can start by mining your own bismuth .

What's so great about elevators?
They're uplifting.

I looked out the window and saw it started raining coins
I guess that could be blamed on climate change.

i met this pregnant woman at the library
she was on the floor crying, i asked what's wrong

she said: "i'm very overdue"

i replied: "oh don't worry, the fines aren't that hefty here"

Why did the college stop drinks?
It had to keep hold of its faculties.

My phone battery and I have something in common.
We both lose energy when people ask too much from us.

Which animal has the largest chest?
A Z-bra

For months they kept throwing gold coins at me
Turns out they were Bullion me