The Bible says being gay is fine, as long as you're high.
"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."

Leviticus 20:13

What do you call a cow thats good at math?
A cowculator.

Apparently you can't use 'beefstew' as a password.
It's not stroganoff.

100 years ago, everyone owned a horse
100 years ago, everyone owned a horse

And only the rich had cars.

Now everyone has cars, and only the rich have horses.

The stables have turned.

My kid dropped one on me last night.
We're going through the bedtime routine. I had my wife comb my daughter's hair, "Because you'll have tangles and Mommy is better at it than I am."

"Dad, are you afraid of knots?"

'No, I don't think so.'

"So then, you're not afraid."

'Nope.'

"I don't think you heard all of what I said... So, you're (K)NOT afraid?"

Which elicited a full 'HAAH HAAAAH,' from me. I'm so proud of my little joker

Do you know why i don't drink coffee?
Because it's not my cup of tea

Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen?
They develop hives...

Good news! My church asked me to sing solo this Sunday!
Bad news: solo that the congregants around me cant hear me sing.

Which player smells the freshest on the football field?
Right Guard

Honeymoon Salad
Lettuce alone with no dressing.

(Actually originally a joke from my grandfather. Probably posted by others a few times but this is in his honor)

A little writing advice for this sub: Dad jokes must include the letters D and S.
Otherwise, its just a joke.

The drummer, upset that the band was playing too slow, angrily played faster.
He was having a tempo tantrum.

I asked the guy selling the Oak Wardrobe if it came with a portal to a fantasy realm.
He said "Sorry, that's really Narnia business"

What do non-binary donkeys use for pronouns?
He/Haw

What's the most popular fruit that people scream out when they're stuck in traffic?
Man-go!

Sweet Corn Truck up North
Drove up to my brother's lake house in Northern WI yesterday and there was a guy selling sweet corn out of his pickup . We stopped and asked how much and it was $11 a dozen.

We didn't buy any because thats almost a buck an ear and thats practically piracy!

( story is true and I'm ashamed it took me until this afternoon to come up with the pun...)

A Christmas story
A Little Christmas Story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found three of them about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out who knows where.

When he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys scattered.

Santa went in the house for a cup of cider and a shot
of rum. When he went
to the cupboard he found the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an extremely frustrated and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa.
Isn't this a lovely day?
I have a beautiful tree
for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

2 guys were arrested for stealing a calendar
They each got 6 months

St. Peter is up in Heaven and walking down the hallway when he passes Gods office, only to find God burying his head in his hands. Whats wrong? St. Peter asks, You look really upset.
I am really upset, God says, Im in love with an atheist and she doesnt even know I exist.

Frog.
What type of shoes do frogs use ?
Open toad .

Where do you take someone involved in a peekaboo accident?
ICU

I finally got over my fear of elevators.
I took steps to get over them.

So excited!! Today I went to the OREO website
I hit the Accept all cookies Now we wait.

The inventors of the brochure have sadly passed away.
The inventors of the brochure have sadly passed away.

RIP Pam Flett, and her husband, Lee.