I just watched a pirated movie.....
On a scale of 1-10, I'd have to give it 3.14159!

Guy next door stopped by and said, So I heard you and your family had an amaing time seeing the ebras at the oo.
After he left my wife asked, Who was that?

I said, Just our No-Z neighbor.

Am atheist in the woods
An atheist was walking through the woods admiring the nature around him. What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals, he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look, and suddenly saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him!

He ran up the path as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was gaining on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and now the bear was even closer.

In his haste, the man tripped on a root and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the atheist cried out, Oh my God!

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

You deny my existence for all these years, teach others that I dont exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?

The atheist looked directly into the light and said, It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?

Very well, said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.

And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke, Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.

My friend claims he can build a gun using his new 3D printer, but Im not impressed, because...
Ive had a Canon printer for years.

This morning I was passed on the highway by a pickup truck pulling a trailer full of donkeys.
Dude was hauling ass.

My date at dinner last night said, You know, for a man, the backs of your hands are absolutely gorgeous.
I said, Thanks, but Im not really into backhanded compliments.

How do you lure a pervert? (NSFW)
Just add the NSFW tag.

People laughed at me when I told them I wanted to be a comedian.
Guess that means they support me.

How do you get a country girls attention?
A tractor!

I can always tell when someone is lying just by looking at them.
I can tell when theyre standing too.

Did you hear about the lawyer who slipped on a banana?
He lost his case on a peel.

I've got a scary math joke
but I'm 2 to say it.

"Doctor! All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!"
Doctor: "Wow! That's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen!"

My date showed up at the restaurant in wooden clogs.
She wants to go Dutch

My wife was really emotional after work.
Turns out she accidentally deleted some files she should have kept. I told her to to embrace her mistakes and move on. She hugged me and left.

Why did the cowboy buy a Dachshund?
He wanted to get a long little doggie

What do dads eat for breakfast?
Puncakes

Why can you always rely on a Panda?
They are always so depandable.

German breakfast buffets are terrible.
I would even go so far as to say they're the wurst kse scenario.

Why did the astronauts get lost in outer space?
Because they didnt understand the gravity of the situation

My wife thinks we need to resurface part of our kitchen.
In my opinion, that would be counter productive.

What happens when you eat Aluminum Foil?
You sheet metal.

Police officer: "The victim was filled with cornflakes until he choke to death."
Inspector: "So we have a cereal killer..."

I heard that scientists are attempting to produce antibiotics and other helpful drugs in the ocean.
Theyre calling it a Farm asea.

I was at the hospital and I walked into a surgeons office
Can I help you? He asked.

I keep thinking that Im a moth. I replied.

You probably want a Psychiatrist for that.

Yeah, I know.

He looked confused. Then why are you here?

The light was on.