Bad day at work today, I cut 2 finger off my hand. I asked the doctor if I would still be able to write with it
He said " probably but I wouldn't count on it"

I went to friend's funeral yesterday and spoke on the families behalf. I only said one word, "Bargain!"
I was told later by his loved ones that it meant a great deal.

My wife told me she had a terrifying experience last night. She was alone in the house having a bath, when all of a sudden
She felt a tap on her shoulder.

When a kid burned down his house, his father watched, put an arm around his wife, and said,
Thats arson.

My 74 year old mom had a good one at the hospital today. The nurse asked her which arm would give the best reading for her blood pressure.
My mom replied, "probably yours."

A pallet of beer fell on my coworker today.
Hes ok though, it was light beer.

Why are bears so deadly?
Because they can kill you with their bare hands.

What do you call an amature circumcision
A rip off

I think you're operating this vehicle while intoxicated. Say the alphabet, starting with P.
Phabet

Make a name using body parts only. Ill start:
Toe knee

Okay everyone, wish me luck. I have a meeting at the bank later and if all goes well, I'll be out of debt...
I'm so excited I can barely put on my ski mask.

What do you call a suitcase when its upset ?
Emotional baggage

My wife came in and told me that my daughters been shoplifting, so now Im gonna have to deal with that.
I think Ill wait until after my birthday!

Once I accidentally swallowed a dictionary.
It gave me thesaurus throat I have ever had

My Cambodian wife of five years has finally decided to take my last name.
It was Phun while it lasted.

Calling the bike factory
A man called a bicycle factory and asked to speak to whoever was in charge of wheels. The person who answered said the manager wasn't there, so he asked, Okay, who are you? She responded, I'm his spokes person."

My daughter asked me who my favourite vampire is. I said the one from Sesame Street. She said he doesn't count.
I said that I'm pretty sure he does

How much does a chimney cost
Nothing its on the house.

Did you know that popcorn has a military history?
It used to be a kernel.

I saw a man who lost his penis ejaculating...
He came out of nowhere

It's easy to stop women drinking fabric softener...
It's harder to deter gents.

My wife calls me her sex machine all the time.
Well technically she says "you're a fucking tool" but I get what she means.

I should never have agreed to eat this chocolate clock
It's time consuming

Some of the music jokes are not funny at all.
I can't Handel them!