My wife gave me an envelope marked, "Not to be opened until 2027.
Inside was a list of reasons why I can't be trusted to carry out simple instructions.

A man walks into a bakery with a salmon under his arm and asks do you have fish cakes?
The person behind the counter replies, No.
Thats a pity, its his birthday.

Why do police officers always show up to aquariums?
Cause there is always something fishy going on there.

I buy every comic book I see.
My friends and family say I have a lot of issues.

My boyfriend dumped me so I stole his wheelchair....
.....guess who came crawling back?

Eating too many sweets is the sin of gluttony
but you can eat as much pie as you want because the sin of pie is always zero!

What do you call someone who believes only 12.5% of the Bible is true?
An eighth-theist

Hi everyone, 26F here :)
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

A man was bludgeoned with a clarinet, a cello, and a French horn.
Police say it was an orchestrated attack.

Why do alligators make great sandwich shop managers?
Because they are great deli-gators.

Why is the ocean always grumpy?
You'd be grumpy too if you had all those crabs in your bottom

College
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the incoming freshman and pointed out some of the rules. "The female dormitory is off limits to all male students and the male dormitory to all female students. Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 for the first offense." He continued, "If you break this rule a second time, you will be fined $60 and a third infraction will cost you $180. Are there any questions?" At this point, a young man in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

Playing Elderscrolls made my daughter want a nose ring.
After all, Oblivion begins with a Septim Piercing.

I was hospitalized after tripping onstage and falling headfirst into a drum kit.
The doctor said I had a percussion.

What's the hardest language to speak ?
Sign language because no one has been able to speak it yet

I went past a wide open piece of property with a guy standing at the front. I asked what it's used for. He said, "It's for parking."
"Thanks," I replied, "That explains a lot."

A blonde and her boyfriend were going somewhere in a car.
While taking a left turn the boyfriend asks " Babe , can you check if the indicator is working. "

The blonde sticks her head out the window and says...

" Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes..."

What is the best grade in Pirate School?
The High C's

I find myself irrationally angry whenever I'm in the potpourri section, at the store.
I'm absolutely incensed.

robber: put the money in the bag!
teller: ...

robber: money in the bag! now!

teller: ...

robber: i said, put the money in the bag!!

teller: ...

robber: i am going to shoot you if you do not put all the money in the bag!!

teller: ...

robber: wtf

teller: ...

penn: sorry, he's just like that.

A guy walks into a bar joke
A baker walks into a bar and orders a drink. "When they legalized marijuana in my state, we tried taking advantage of it by offering infused pastries at the bakery. But we had trouble keeping the place staffed," he tells the bartender. "We had pretty high turnovers."

Whats the difference between toilet paper and curtains?
(Expecting the answer I dont know)

So it was you!

Why did the cat cross the road?
Because the chicken had a laser pointer.

My wife wanted to go out to a restaurant. I spent an hour complaining about it, but then I gave in as usual.
I like to whine and dine her.