Why dont accountants last long in bed?
Theyre too busy trying to balance the sheets.

Did you hear about the constipated math teacher?
He worked it out with a pencil.

I live my life by a couple of simple rules.
No pee jokes. That's number one.

No poop jokes. That's number two.

In school I excelled at all my class except Greek Mythology...
It was my Achilles Elbow.

Anytime I visit a sex shop, I secretly draw little sprinting legs on the rubber ball mouthpieces.
Its a running gag.

If only someone could speed up the deer reproduction process.
They could probably make a million bucks

My dad was bragging about his new hearing aid, State of the art! Cost me a small fortune. I said, Awesome. What type is it? He replied...
Two thirty.

My wife vetoed my request to buy expensive extra-large boxers.
She clearly doesnt appreciate the national emergency for lavish ballroom.

I just ate the numbers 3, 5, 7, 9 and 11.
They tasted odd.

Son: Dad, I think the bougie man is under the bed? Dad: Don't you mean the boogeyman?
Voice from under the bed: Wow, the thread count on these sheets is PATHETIC.

Mozart was a child prodigy.
Seriously, he was A sharp minor.

What's Ross Geller's favourite type of Excel table?
Pivottttt.

Why shouldn't wildlife photographers sit on arctic ice for too long?
They're at risk of developing polaroids

What do you call someone who helps pharaohs with their posture?
Cairo-practors!

I heard they are going charge people for getting a cold
It will be a Cough Fee

I come from a family of failed magicians.
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I have two half sisters...

Why were the Monkees kicked out of the Bee Keeper Club?
Because they're bee leavers!

I thought for sure Id be hired after I nailed my interview at a psychics office.
But apparently I didnt pass the foreground check.

Doc: Why did you bring a shotgun to our session? ....... Me: Birds scare me to death. ...... Doc: Now you're getting carried away.
Me: Not TODAY I'm not!

I got fired from my set designer job
I left without making a scene

It is a messi conundrum
If I slip, fall and die while attempting to kick a bucket, did I succeed in kicking the bucket or not?

A drunk went into a confessional
A drunk went into a confessional.

The priest was waiting for the sinner to speak up but the drunk didnt say a word.
After a while the priest coughed...nothinghe coughed again... nothing.

After the third cough the priest decided enough was enough and started banging on the wooden grid.

The drunk finally spoke up: You can quit knocking now, buddy, theres no toilet paper in here either.

The guy that invented pants?
He was a real slacker.

There are 2 types of people in the world
There are 2 types of people in the world: those who never lie and those who never lie.

There are 3 types of people in the world: those who lie every 3 days, those who lie every 2 days, and those who never tell a lie in their life.

There used to be 2 types of people in the world. Then they met.

There are 2 types of people in the world: those who think everyone is the same and those who agree.

There are 2 types of people in the world: those who always repeat themselves and those who always repeat themselves.

There are 2 types of people in the world: those who don't understand recursion, and those who understand that there are 2 types of people in the world.

There are 2 types of people in the world: those who look in the mirror
and those who look out.

There are 2 types of people in the world: those who think they can talk to dead people and those who talk back.

There are 2 types of people: in the world and out.

There are 2 types of people in the world those who know how to use punctuation correctly and murderous psychopaths.

There are 2 types of people in the world: those who need everything spelled out for them.

There are 2 types of people in the world: those who finish what they started and those who

There are 2 types of people in the world: those who are comfortable not knowing everything

There are 2 types of people in the world: those who know how to write a joke and those who don't.

There are 2 types of people in the world: those who don't, and those who write the punchline before the setup.

There are 2 types of people in the world: those who think this is a joke, and those who don't.

There are 2 types of people in the world: those who don't talk about themselves in the third person and this writer.

and those who don't.
There are 2 types of people in the world:
those who watch spoilers

There are 2 types of people in the world: those who understand parallel structure and people that just don't get it.

There are II types of people in the world: those who use Roman numerals, those who don't, and those who use binary.

There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary numbers, those who don't, and those who didn't expect a base-3 joke.

There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand hexadecimal numbers and F others.

There are 2 types of people in the world:
those who change the light bulb and those who walk into a bar.

There are 2 types of people in the world. I'm type 1. Hi type 1, I'm dad.

There are twoo types of people in the world: owls and twits.

There are 2 types of people in the world: those who aren't pirates and those who arrr.

There are two types of
people: those who make haikus
and those who just can't count

Did you hear about the two radios that got married?
The reception was amazing.