A man has been stealing wheels off cop cars.
The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

To the people that invented zero
thanks for nothing

Swimming with sharks isnt cheap
Can cost an arm and a leg.

A clown walks into a bar looking tired. The bartender says, Is it hard work being a clown?
The clown says, Its no small feet.

Wanna know the one thing I can't deal with?
A deck of playing cards glued together. I can't deal with them.

I tried to start a hide-and-seek league in my town.
But it turns out

good players are hard to find.

An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying.
"I know that, in your religion, youre not supposed to eat pork... Have you actually ever tasted it?

The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."

Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too...I know youre supposed to be celibate. But...."

The priest replied, "Yes, I know what youre going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice."

There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isnt it?"

What does a ghost like to drink?
submitted by /u/pjwhite2
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Whats one thing you can always count on?
A calculator.

Just started work at a CNC machine shop, and everyones got this thing against our coworker, Cameron
Everyones always talking about the cad, Cam.

(Too esoteric for this subreddit?)

Talking about shovels is boring...
But using one is ground-breaking.

Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field

but only after quitting his job as a corn influencer because the kernel of his audience didnt appreciate his a-maize-ing content.

what would you call chicken tender if it was made out of money?
legal tender

Whats the most popular Christmas wine?
But I dont like Brussels sprouts!

I finally overcame my addiction to swimming.
Still, I'm worried about re-laps.

What do you call a camel with no humps?
Humphrey.

Say what you will about Die Hard, but it has the best ending for a Christmas movie
Hans down

I asked my dog why he always circles before lying down.
He said hes just rounding out his day.

Why do milking stools only have three legs?
Because the cow has the udder!

That Doctor Was Fishy
But I was assured he had the hands of a sturgeon.

How does an English teacher comfort their students?
There, their, they're

Did you hear about the woman who couldn't stop collecting magazines?
She had issues.