I was flirting with the most gorgeous woman at the bar last night. At one point I told her "Believe it or not, I have the most famous last name in all of Ireland." She smiled and replied, "Oh really?"
And I'm like "how did you know?!"

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, Shouldnt! Wouldnt! Couldnt! Didnt! Cant!
Dont worry, said the doc. Those are just contractions."

Spotted an albino Dalmatian the other day
Was the least I could do for him.

Amish girls
I wonder, how do Amish girls know if it's a romantic candlelit dinner or just a regular dinner?

How do you find a blind man on a nudist beach?
Its not that hard

What kind of bird can carry the most weight?
The crane!

I ordered 9 rootbeers
but they gave me 3 beers instead

How do Mexicans cut their pizza?
Leetle Caesars

Did you hear about the Greek philosopher who refused to cover her breasts?
Her name was Aristopless.

Why does the Mexican take anti-anxiety medication?
for Hispanic attacks.

A mbius strip walked into a bar sobbing loudly. The bartender asked, "What's wrong?" The mbius strip replied...
"Where do I even begin?"

Daughter came up with this one: "what do you call a dog who offers help without being asked?"
a VolunTerrier

I told my plants I want to be a dad joke comedian
Now they're rooting for me.

I used to be indecisive
... but now I'm not so sure

Apparently Florida has been having some serious traffic problems.
I've heard large Reptiles have been chasing cars...

damn tail gators...

Ford should make a coupe and call it the Oar
It'd be a Ford Oar two-door

I said to my wife, "They say that childbirth is the most painful thing someone can experience..."
"Now, maybe I was too young to remember, but I didn't think it hurt that much."

I dropped my cactus the other day.
Worst part is, I caught it.

Did you hear the one about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.

Two chilly Inuit were sitting in a kayak. When they lit a fire in the craft to warm up, it sank,
proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

How does the ocean say hi?
It waves.

TRUE Story. I was an usher at a church with a Pastor named Rodney long-Norwegian last name. (UMLATS, J's and K's)
For simplicity he went by Pastor Rod. in the church office was a photo of all the employees, Rodney in front, smiling. I suggested they title it, "Thy Rod and thy staff!".

Bought some coconut shampoo
Got home and realised, I dont even have a coconut!

What happens if someone slaps you at high frequency?
It Hertz!

The Chinese man who invented the camera lens has passed away.
Rest in peace, Zu Min.