Whats the best way to stop an unwanted erectionZoning laws. If someone is erecting something near your property that you dont like, inform the local city council.
Thank you,u/monkeyboatrentals for the pun
The police finally caught the guy who was giving illegal circumcisions.
I wonder what tipped them off.
What is Jesuss favorite band?
Nine inch Nails!
Who does beyonc call if she needs her roof repaired ?
All the shingle ladies
My son has a girlfriend named WinterThey only date 3/4 of the year. She melts in the summer.
(This is my husbands joke about my sons girlfriend. He asked me to post this. Please dont beat me up)
The man asked me which card I wanted to get rid off.
"Discard", I said.
They finally caught the guys who was having sex with all the farm animals but he escaped...
Now hes on the lamb.
What is between the Sun and the Earth?
And
Why doesnt Ed have a girlfriend?
Sheeran away
Why are there no Latinos in Lord of the Rings?
Because Juan does not simply walk into Mordor.
What kind of vehicle is never driven by women?
A Mail Truck
I farted, but tried to convince my wife it was her.
She said it was called gas lighting
A guy walks into a bar with his ears bandaged up."What happened to your ears?" asks the bartender.
"I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron."
"But that only explains one ear. What about the other ear?"
"I had to use that ear to call the doctor."
Driving home depressed I saw a sign that said..Need help, Call Jesus 1-800-302-2756, so out of curiosity I did
A Mexican showed up in a tow truck
I was driving down the road, and someone was too close behind. I knew they weren't a crocodile...
...Because they were a tail-gator.
Where do football players go to get fresh uniforms??
They go to New Jersey.
How does a Christmas tree get ready to go to a Christmas party?
It "spruces" itself up!
What did the nervous cherry say?
I have a pit in my stomach.
If you take care of a chicken...
Doesn't that make you a chicken tender? -credit to my son
I tried to read a book in anti gravity
Couldnt put it down turns out it was groundbreaking.
Why did the gangsters have such good-looking hair?
Because they were members of an Arganized crime family
When you drink ice anywhere else, you're a normal person.
But when you drink ice in America, you'd be seen as a hero.
What do you call a prison phone?
A cell phone!
What Pasta makes someone answer the door?
Gnocci
I walked into the psych ward today to check myself in. The nurse handed me a form with a space for my name and I wrote down Alexander Hamilton & Aaron Burr
She immediately said, Oh, I see. Duel personality.