Where do mansplainers get their water?
From a well, actually
What do you call a deer with no eye?No idear
What do you call a deer with no eye or legs? Still no idear
What do you call a deer with no eye, legs, and its penis cut off? Still no fucking idear
Went to a restaurant and the hostess asked if I had reservations...
I said "yes, but I came anyway"
Whats the prize for a competition to see who can stay in bed the longest?
Atrophy
Did you hear about the dancer who called off his marriage engagement?
He was footloose and fiance free...
Most American Presidents are buried in the US. Can you name the ones who aren't?
The 5 living ones
I went for a job interview yesterday and was asked "Do you have any pets?" I said, Yes, I have a goldfish. "Any Hobbies?"
.. Well, he likes swimming!
What's the award for dentist of the year?
A little plaque.
What would an Italian mosquito say ?
It's a me.. Malario!
My mom told me not to look in the refrigerator.
Because theres a salad dressing.
My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes.
But I cant quit cold Turkey.
Why dont geologists like scary movies?
They are too easily petrified..
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Went to KFC, they asked if I like legs and thighs.
I said I prefer personality.
A Roman swordsman became a cannibal and ate his wife.
He was glad he ate her.
What is 6 in long and 2 in wide and really turns a woman on
A $100 bill
My son asked if I knew what tinnitus was
I told him I've heard of it and that it's ringing a bell
Not to brag, but I broke a record
It slipped right out of my hands
Went to the chemist yesterday. The lady tiptoed up to the counter and whispered quietly "Can i help you?" I said "why are you whispering? She says..
I don't want to wake the sleeping pills
What game could you win and lose at the same time?
A staring contest with yourself in the mirror.
I bought a horse and my girl asked if I was going to race him. "Not at all", I said.
That horse is way faster than me.
What do you call a fish with no
A FSH!
What's the problem with left brained people?
They aren't right in the head.
Had Al Gore run for president this year his ads would have been all over our social media feeds
The AlGoreithm would make sure of that
I'm going to start an oatmeal delivery company.I'll name it Haulin' Oats
(Verse 1)
Were haulin' oats down the country road,
Gotta load 'em up, yeah, were in full mode!
From the fields to the barn, were on the go,
Haulin' oats, haulin' oats, watch em flow!
(Chorus)
Haul, haul, haulin' oats,
Bringing nature's bounty, thats what floats our boats!
From the ground to the farm, it's a hearty feat,
Haulin' oats, haulin' oats, it's the sweetest treat!
(Verse 2)
Wheat, rye, and barley too,
But the oats are king, thats our crew!
We load em high, we haul em right,
Bringing grains through day and night!
(Chorus)
Haul, haul, haulin' oats,
With every truck and tractor, the harvest floats!
From the ground to the farm, it's a steady beat,
Haulin' oats, haulin' oats, cant be beat!
(Outro)
So if you need oats, call us up quick,
Well haul 'em out fast, were slick as a tick!
Haulin' oats, haulin' oats, were on the go,
Your oat supply, well make it flow!