My wife beamed with pride and said "I never thought our son would go so far!".
I said, "Yeah this trebuchet thing is amazing! Go get our daughter."

I asked my wife, if I was the only one she'd ever been with. She said yes.
All the others had been nine or tens.

I gave my three-year-old a book of puns for his birthday, but my wife snatched it away, saying, You cant give this to a toddler!
Apparently, its a joking hazard.

The time I finally got my son
Hes 30, and constsntly getting me on stupid thing like deez nutz. I say summer summer deez nutz. I say Aldi Aldi-s nuts. Been goin on for years.

When we bought our house, we got stools for the island that exactly matched our China cabinet and buffet. He asked how we did it. I told him on this one website you can get a chip of the stained wood sent to you so you can see if it matches. He says Wos, thats a great idea

I look at him with a big grin and say Yeah they call it a STOOL SAMPLE

Mick Jaggers coming for lunch later
Im doing him a spiced lamb and couscous bap. I know its only a Moroccan roll, but he likes it

I was excited to watch the origami world championship on TV
But it turns out that its only on paper view

Sometimes the universe just hands you a punchline
I was in the kitchen with my 16-year-old daughter, who wanted to learn to bake. I opened the flour and lo and behold it's got bugs.

I said to her, these are weevils.

She said, "I thought weevils were bigger."

I said, "You're thinking of the boll weevil," and then inspiration struck. "These are the lesser of the two weevils."

What city is in the middle of czechoslovakia . . . four letters
Oslo

I was bored last night, so I texted my ex
I said, Are you free tonight?
She replied, Yes
I said, See, nobody likes you.

My four year old nephew has been learning Spanish for a few months now
He can only say please. Thats poor for four

According to a poll that was recently conducted
The lightning rod works

I told my wife I was going to start jogging every morning.
She said, Great. When are you starting?

I said, Tomorrow.

She said, You said that yesterday.

I said, Exactly. Im already consistent.

Jokes arent funny when you explain them
And Ill tell you why

What is a snakes favorite subject?
Hiss-tory.

I remember once when my son ran away
When he came back, I took him for a walk so we could talk. He pointed to some roadkill and asked me what it was. Carrion, my wayward son.

Say what you want about male porn stars.
But nobody works as hard as those guys.

I tried to write a joke about premature ejaculation
but I finished too early.

I bought a belt made entirely out of watches...
It was a complete waist of time.

I tested my friend Pascal to see if he could explain a partial vacuum.
He said that's a low bar.

My son was in bad shape after his girlfriend dumped him, so I bought him a Playstation and an Xbox.
That really helped console him.

I keep having this terrifying dream that Im stuck on ice and people keep throwing stones at me
Its a recurling nightmare

The guy who cheated to win a Broadway Theatre award was arrested last night as he was enjoying a pasta meal.
Rigatoni

What did the beaver say when the tree fell?
DAM!!!!

You know why I dont like steps?
They have bad stairring problems

What do beavers make such great banking executives?
They're great at running the branches