My friend tattooed his favourite Star Wars character on his cheek.
You should have seen the Luke on his face.

My son got me
We were outside tucking the pets in. It was a beautiful fall evening in Denver. I called him over to admire the brilliant stars in the sky. Low in the north east, one was scintillating. "Look," I said, "see the bright one? That's Vega!".

He pointed to a brilliant light just taking off from Denver International, "Look," he said, "See that bright one? That's Boeing!"

I .. I'm so proud!

You know know why eagles must never ever get sick?
Cause it's ill-eagle.

What's a whale's favorite food?
A krill cheese sandwich. (via my 8-year-old nephew)

Why is Kim Jong Un so cruel?
Because he have no Seul

Mike Ditka, NFL Legend dead at 86
The family has announced who will have the honor of carrying his coffin to his final resting place:

DA pall BEARS

RIP Big Guy

How does the FBI agent stay warm in the winter?
He goes under cover

A friend and dad to be has told me this joke several times over the years. Well 45 minutes ago it actually happened to me in real life!
A knock on the door. My wife's answers.

"There's a salesman here with a bald head!" She shouted.

"Tell him I already have one!" I replied.

I called him and we did nothing but laugh for what seemed like 20 full minutes.

Sauron prefers sedans over coupes
There are More doors

Yesterday I saw a Chinese man in a lobster costume get run over by a bus.
I felt bad for that poor crushed Asian.

Dont be freaked out if you unexpectedly run into your French classmate peeking around a corner at the marina.
Thats Pierre, your peer who peered from a pier and simply appeared.

How do you think the unthinkable?
With an ithberg.

I'm on a plane and the lunch choices are white meat chicken or German Sausage.
Unfortunately, I'm seated in the last row.

I'm hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.

What did one wall say to another?
Meet me at the corner

Im so excited to sleep over at my cannibal girlfriends place for the first time tonight.
She said shes gonna make me breakfast in the morning!

Have you been to the Butt Museum?
A lot of people say their exhibits are great.

Personally I think they're anything butt.

I stumbled across a YouTube channel dedicated to Jewish colonoscopies.
I spent hours going down rabbi holes.

[Warning! 18+]
19

One big difference between women and men
is that when a woman says "smell this", it usually smells nice.........

I'm about to spend the afternoon interrogating a duck.
Eventually he'll quack under the pressure.

What do you call a person that cant pay for transgender reassignment surgery?
Trans-action declined

What do you call an unemployed tech bro?
Steve Jobless

I accidentally super glued my thumb to my index finger
It's going to be OK for now.

What is a stoners favorite cereal?
Weedies

Are you todays date?
Because youre a 10/10!