In response to the recent mass exodus, have you seen the latest lineup of artists performing during the Freedom 250 concert?Lady Maga
Red Hat Chili Peppers
Magadeth
Impeaches & Herb
the Magas and the Papas
Earth, Wind & You're fired
Supertrump
Which game did Aladdin used to play with his pet monkey?
Peek Abu
8y/o: Why did the chicken cross the road?Dad: Why?
8: To get to an idiot's house.
D: ???
8: Knock, knock.
D: Who's there?
8: ... The chicken.
(I don't think he made this one up, but it made me laugh and I'd never heard it!)
You've heard of Pop Tarts. Why are there no Mom Tarts?
Because of the pastryarchy.
On a roll today!I'm on a roll today!
Watching Frozen with the wife and kids.
Anna sings, "Why have a ballroom with no balls?"
Me: Oh! I know the answer to that! Its because it's not a secure location!
Wife: *dumbfounded look* What?
Me: Yeah, it's not very secure if anyone can Waltz in there.
Wife: "OH MY GAWD!!!"
Me:
Two kings and three queens came into my home, but there was barely enough room for everyone
It was a full house
I was in court yesterday..My lawyer looked at the judge and said My client is trapped inside a penny.
Judge said What?
Thats when my lawyer looked her right in the ye and said He's in a cent.
Someone in my family group chat mentioned meeting someone who lived in the South Pacific and had eaten dog, which was considered a delicacyThe chat then devolved into everyone offering their favorite dog dishes, including:
Pugs in a blanket
Lab Rangoon
German shepherd pie
Chicken poodle soup
An everything beagle with lox and cream cheese
Spanielkopita
And, for dessert, Boston Terrier Cream Pie
What would you all suggest?
What's the difference between a cemetery and a graveyard?
The spelling.
Just got my husband with this oneTheres an IKEA desk I want to buy for my loft studio and am about to go out to get it. I lamented however that I will then need to carry a 24kg box up three flights of stairs. He said that when I get back I can pick him up and hell help.
But youre heavier than the box.
Thankfully he found that amusing.
Why did Aslan keep the Deep Magic a secret?
Thats Narnia business.
Why does a one arm man wear a wrist watch?
It gives him a second hand
My friend's last girlfriend threw every bill in the fireplace.
Her name was Bernadette
Hey, what's it called when you kill Garry Larson?
Far-a-cide!
A GUY DRESSED AS A Wizard said hell slowly turn me into a loaf of bread. I LAUGHED.
But now Im starting to wonder
Read out loud: What's the difference between unlawful and illegal?
One means something's against the law, the other is a sick bird.
I found $20 in the parking lot and thought to myself What would Jesus do?
So I turned it into wine.
I was in a weather contest the other day
I was doing really bad but at least we all got precipitation trophies
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tater.
Donald Glover's former Italian babysitter said that he was super immature back when he was young.
He was a childish bambino.
What is a vampires favorite fruit?
Nectarines
I told my wife we had to split up when I had to start on insulin injections
The instructions clearly state single patient use only. She just looked at me and turned the bedside lamp off. I could tell she was delighted.
Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie?
He was too far out, man!
There are two HVAC companies in my town, and they sure dont like each other.
Its quite a heated rivalry.
my never failing jokeI went to the doctors recently
He said: Dont eat anything fatty
I said: What, like bacon and burgers?
He said, No. fatty dont eat anything.