What is the difference between panties and female reproductive organs?
One is undies the other is ovaries.

Sorry. I'm drunk. Edited because someone reminded me of what I thought of before I drunkenly posted this.

I tried to sign up for fight club but made a typo, and that's how I became an aviator.
As a rule, I don't talk about it.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 3 years...
I didn't want to interrupt her.

Why did Bill Clinton stop playing the saxophone?
To take up more time playing that harmonica

I knew a guy who got engaged five different times ...
that's a lot of near-Mrs.

I told you on our first date...
A man who could drink no milk without getting sick thought he had finally met the perfect mate. She was smart, beautiful, funny and accepted his dairy limitations without pause. There was only one thing, she refused to take her shoes off in front of him. But he accepted that, and soon they were married.

Finally, on their wedding night she came to bed, completely naked, wearing not even a pair of socks. It was then the truth came out, she had been born with two club feet.

The man took one look, and asked for an immediate annulment. His new wife was shocked and begged him to reconsider. But, the man was adamant. "What did I tell you on our very first date," he asked? "I am completely lack toes intolerant"!

Jesus said: Come forth and receive eternal life
But John came fifth and won a toaster

Its been three weeks since Dolly died
I am still suffering from post-Parton depression though

The police is investigating an abandoned car with an incomplete set of golf clubs inside.
They're still looking for the driver.

I said to the doctor, Ive got a problem with my ear
He said are you sure?

Yes Im definite

A sheep, a drum, and a snake walk into a bar
Ba Dum Tss

Jesus: "No God, I am not your son."
God: "Yeshua".

I was at the airport and saw Jeff Goldblum frantically arguing with a TSA agent
I found out later he was on the no-fly list

After cocaine was removed from Coca-Cola, where did the dope go?
Doctor Pepper

Some thief is stealing wheels off police cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him

What's the difference between a composer and a pigeon?
During a performance when a composer plays, the sound bounces around. When a pigeon makes a noise a coo sticks.

I bought a dictionary online. When it arrived all the pages were completely blank.
I have no words

Are you good at archery?
submitted by /u/Mic2Mouth
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How does a butcher introduce his wife?
Meet Pattie

Never challenge Death to a pillow fight, unless
youre prepared to handle the reaper cushions.

Did you hear about the bunny rabbit who became a scientist?
Every day, some hare brained idea.

Conjunctivitis.com
thats a site for sore eyes

Why are pirates called pirates..?
.. because they Arrrr!

What is a pirate's favourite letter..?

.. do I hear you say R?

Noooo, because they live for the C!

Good night folks.

My local baker went bankrupt yesterday.
He just couldn't make enough dough.