An elderly man accidentally rear-ended a brand-new sports car.
​

The young driver jumped out, furious.

"LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO MY CAR! You owe me $10,000 right now, or I'm going to beat you half to death!"

The old man looked shaken.

"Oh my goodness," he said. "I don't have that kind of money. Let me call my son - he trains dolphins. He'll know what to do."

"DOLPHINS?" the guy scoffed, rolling his eyes.

The old man dialed his phone. Before he could say a word, the angry driver grabbed it.

"So you're a dolphin trainer, huh?" he barked into the phone. "Well your old man just wrecked my car. I need ten grand RIGHT NOW - or I'm going to beat BOTH of you to a pulp!"

A calm voice replied, "I'll be there in ten minutes."

Exactly ten minutes later.

...a Jeep screeched to a stop.

A man stepped out, walked straight up to the bully, and absolutely flattened him, leaving him groaning on the pavement.

Then the man turned to his father and said,

"Dad. for the LAST time. I train seals. Navy seals. Not dolphins."

Frogs
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Eight senior ladies and Bruce Wayne are waiting at a bus stop
Nana , Nana

Nana , Nana

Nana , Nana

Nana , Nana

BATMAN !

Don't talk into a colander...
You'll strain your voice.

"Son, did you know that if Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened?! Because..."
"Noble gases should have no reaction!"

Terrorist holding dad at gunpoint
Terrorist: "Say your last words!"
Dad: "Your last words!"
Terrorist: "What? ugh, you Americans. Be serious!"
Dad: "Okay, I'll be Sirius. Who are you going to be?"
Terrorist: "Stop. Why isn't this scaring your?"
Dad: "Nothing really scares me anymore; not since I saw that monster henway."
Terrorist: "What's a 'henway?
Dad: "About a pound and a half."
Terrorist: "Stop! I'm serious!"
Dad: "Hi Sirius! I'm Dad!"

My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but wasnt awarded a gold medal...
The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.

What do you get when you cross a dog with an ant-eater?
An aardbark.

An old man is driving down the highway when his phone rings.
He answers it, and his wife says,

Be careful! I just heard on the news theres a car going the wrong way on the highway!

The old man says,

One car? There are hundreds of them!

someone complained about me typing without capitalizing my letters.
i will not capitulate to the upper case!

down with big letter! get bent capitalists!

I got caught stealing from the coffee shop where I work.
My boss says its grounds for dismissal.

Did you know that birds have excellent taste in music?
For instance, chickens love Bach

My wife is divorcing me because she thinks I'm "too un-American".
I saw this coming from a kilometer away.

My friend told me his mate Jack invented the hot tub.
I said, Jack? Whos he?

My son asked why our car has a check engine light
I told him its the cars way of asking for attention.

What did the Korean neurologist name his family clinic?
Park n Sons

Parkinsons

I'm a computer programmer.
I brought a new coffee maker into work today, but it broke the first time I used it.

Guess my new Java install didn't work.

Everybody knows that 7 8 9. Question is: Why did 7 8 9?
The doctor told 7, to please eat 3 squared meals a day..

I spent my entire life savings on pasta.
It was worth every penne.

In laughter, the "L" comes first
The rest of the letters come 'aughter' it.

What do you call a slow rock climber?
Belaybored.

Why did rubber leave their job at the automobile factory?
It made them tyred.

I bought some chainsaw-resistant clothes yesterday.
They were almost $100 for the set, but at least they didn't cost an arm and a leg.

Who was the inventor of the fitted carpet??
Walter Wall

Whom do you alert when you get stabbed by a con?
The constabulary