An Engineer was unemployed for a long time.
He could not find a job so he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: Get your treatment for $500, if not treated get $1,000.

One Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: I have lost taste in my mouth.

Engineer: Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patients mouth.

Doctor: This is Gasoline! Engineer: Congratulations! Youve got your taste back. That will be $500.

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money. Doctor: I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.

Engineer: Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patients mouth.

Doctor: But that is Gasoline! Engineer: Congratulations! Youve got your memory back. That will be $500.

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Doctor: My eyesight has become weak.

Engineer: Well, I dont have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000.

Doctor: But this is $500

Engineer: Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.

If Wilson lent Tom Hanks $20...
Tom Hanks would be Owen Wilson.

Got fired from my job at the bank today
A lady asked me to check her balance so I pushed her

Why was Captain Picard such a good gardener?
He knew exactly when to, "Make it sow."

A dishevelled female pig walks into a bar. Bartender asks, "Tough day?"
The pig responds: "I'm a frayed sow."

I just heard some very concerning news. The singer, Sting, has gone missing
The Police have no lead.

I was going to buy a Nirvana album, but the store was out of In Utero...
So, Nevermind.

Why was the coffee fired from his job?
He was always latte

My wife and I were touring a daycare when she asked the director, Does your facility provide baby bouncers?
I interrupted, Babe, thats not necessary. This is one of the safer neighborhoods.

What kind of monster is the best dancer?
The boogieman.

I tried drilling for oil once.
The most boring job I ever had.

Someone told me that black guys like listening to ghetto blasters.
I think thats a stereo type

My wife saw me weighing myself and said, "No matter how much you suck in your gut, you're still going to weigh the same." ....
I told her, "... I'm just trying to see the numbers..."

What did the gangsters friends call him when he got house arrest?
Home boy

Toilet paper is the MVP of the bathroom
It's been on a roll

What happens when Rosa Parks gets to the very, very front of the bus?
Rosa Drives.

Promised my wife I'd fix the leaky tap three years ago.
It's a running joke now.

What is the best way to boot Windows 11?
Out the door.

Which city can you find the most Vicks and Fisherman's Friend?
Lozengeles

My date just left me after we made love exactly 10^-1 times.
I was deci-mated.

Programmer joke: What did the father say to his wife when he realized they were living in the matrix?
Baby, it's code outside.

I went to the doctor because I kept thinking I was a pair of curtains
He told me to pull myself together

I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.

What's the smallest knife in the kitchen?
An 8 inch chef's knife.

Seriously -- can you image just how small the knives would have to be for an 8 inch chef to hold them?