"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up,said a sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one student rose to her feet.

Now then young lady, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer.

Well, actually I don't," said the girl, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

A blind man walks into a store and starts swinging his dog above his head. A clerk asks him" can I help you?"
The blind man says "no , I'm just looking around."

As I got off the elevator, the operator said, Have a good day, son. I said, Dont call me son. Youre not my dad.
He replied, Maybe not but I did bring you up.

I bought a used dictionary at a local flea market. I got it cheap because someone had torn out both the first few and last few pages from the book.
Trying to actually use the dictionary was difficult, however: it only went from bad to worse.

I was surprised to learn Elon Musk is from South Africa.
Youd think he is from Mad-at-gas-car.

Even though I drink brake fluid all the time, Im not addicted.
I can stop whenever I want

What do snakes do after they fight?
They hiss and make up.

Why did Trump write in all caps?
He believes capitalism is the only way.

My Girlfriend says Im cheap
Im not buying it

Who were the knights of the round table
Whos the knight who moonlights as a geologist?
Sir Vey

Whos most the agreeable knight?
Sir Tenly

Whos the Knight who used to be a slave?
Sir Vent

Why did the tree take a long vacation?
He was over-ELM-ed at work!

My girlfriend said I have no sense of direction.
So I packed my things and right.

Whats the difference between a bad joke and a dad joke?
The first letter!

I'm proud of my 13 yo daughter. I told her to load and run the dishwasher.
She said the dishwasher can't run... it's got no legs!

I'm glad to see my teaching has not been wasted.

Whats brown , wrinkled and lives in a cathedral
The lunch bag of Notre Dame

One of my friends is a flat earther.
Though he prefers i use the term bulldozer operator.

I was helping John our HVAC guy at work
I got pulled off the job that I was currently working on to go help John with one of our a/c units on another building. I helped him wire up a thermostat to drop down into the unit since the temperature sensors weren't working. Afterwards I went back to my previous job and one of our other mechanics, DJ, asked me what did I go help John with? I said, Oh, you know, just some cool guy stuff

I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed.

Seaweed is totally the most intelligent form of life.
No, obviously not. that's just sargassum

My neighbour told me he was scared to plant an apple tree
I told him to grow a pear.

I need a dad joke about Axolotls
My wife sells her crochet at our local farmers market. I cant crochet so I help set up and provide customer service. I also tell dad jokes about each item (Theyre a big dill for the crocheted pickles etc.) However, she crocheted axolotls and Ive got nothing. I figured that if anyone can help, it would be this sub lol

What do you call an Italian at the Soccer World Cup?
A referee (or lost)

I wasn't sure about getting a brain transplant
Then I changed my mind.

It takes at least four people to properly tail an individual.
It's called four-shadowing.

have you heard of the picture that got a death sentence?
i heard it'll be hanged soon, but apparently it got framed. so for the meantime, i hope it's hanging in there