A programmers wife tells him, "Go to the store and get a loaf of bread." "If they have eggs, get a dozen."
He returns with twelve loaves of bread.

She asks why, and he says, "Because they had eggs."

What do you call a twelve-inch poop?
A footstool.

Grand Dad in front of the TV with his beer: Starting a war while defending peace is kind of an oxymoron.
Then, immediately after that, a certain political figure begins to speak.

Grand Dad : "And here comes the regular moron !"

We exchanged a quick glance in silence, I nodded, and went to get him another beer.

I once dated a cross eyed girl
It didnt work out, we didnt see eye to eye. I also think she was seeing someone on the side.

Whats the worst part about taking an ancient history course?
The professors tend to Babylon.

I survived a fall without a parachute...
I've also survived a winter, spring and summer without one, too.

A Trump and a human can reproduce
but the offspring is Barron.

Dad -- Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.
Daughter -- What's that got to do with anything?

Dad -- That means it's pasture bed time.

Hey Alexa, why am I so bad with women?
"I'm Siri you idiot."

I was ordered to polish a giant Elton John statue a week ago
Im still sanding!

What do you call the Australian Prime Minister when he has the flu ?
Anthony Albasneezy.

My IQ test came back..
It was negative

My dad always said:
My dad often said Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end the faster it goes.

Bono and Larry Mullen walk into a bar.
Says the bartender: "Oh, it's U2 again."

Why was the broom late for school on Monday?
He over-swept

What idiot invented fire blankets?
Youd think fire is hot enough.

If crowns for your teeth
Are made of ceramic. And if toilets are also made of ceramic.. does that make me a potty mouth?

Edit: I screwed up my own joke. Its supposed to be porcelain, not ceramic! Cant believe I butchered it

Tech tip: Its dangerous to download Come Sail Away or Satisfaction. Turn, Turn, Turn is perfectly fine however
Styx and Stones may break your phones, but the Byrds will never hurt you.

Where do you house a well-balanced horse?
A stable.

A French woman bet me I couldn't make two bilingual egg puns.
So I asked her if one would be an oeuf. She said no, and demanded two. So I told her, "that's a crocque, madame".

Last night I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.. she replied a divorce
I wasn't planning on spending that much..

Our computers went down at the office today, so we had to do everything manually.
It took me fifteen minutes to shuffle the cards for Solitaire.

I'm worried about the crew of the Artemis II mission
Their Outlook isn't looking good.