My penis was in the Guinness book of world records...
Then the librarian told me to take it out

A man asked a widow if he could say a word at her husbands funeral. She said "Certainly."
He stood up and said "Plethora"

and the woman said "Thanks, that means a lot."

There will be one more Matrix movie where an older Neo finally takes the blue pill.
Its called Matrix Res-erections.

The Mortal Kombat theme is actually a song from a church in Finland
It's a FINNISH HYMN!!!

The doctor gave me one year to live
so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don't mind him. He is just a product of our times.

Why doesnt Ronaldo ever have to clean his room?
Because hes not Messi

Why is it that if you donate a kidney people love you
But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.

Bruce took a stuffed dog to the Antiques Roadshow.
The presenter said, "This is very rare item by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists from London from the turn of the 19th century. Do you have any idea what it would fetch if it was in good condition?"

Bruce said, "Sticks."

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm.
He says, A beer for me, and one for the road.

Dentist: This will hurt a little.
Patient: OK.

Dentist: Im having an affair with your wife.

A three legged dog went into a bar
Bartender: What can I get you?

Dog: I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!

Every once in a while I wake up grumpy
But most mornings I just kiss her on the cheek, go to work, and let her sleep in

How do you get the result you want in the World Cup?
You just have to pay the right FIFA that.

What happens to nitrogen after the sun rises?
It becomes daytrogen

Why do sailors eat shellsfish when rain is forecasted?
Its the clam before the storm

I was hoping a legendary German soccer player would be the top World Cup scorer.
But its not Klose.

Whats the top religious website for people with lisps?
Faithbook

Back when I was a chef at Neverland Ranch, I almost messed up the recipe when i left out some herbs. Luckily Michael Jackson said to me
Remember the thyme

I saw a sign in in a building that said in case of fire use stairs .
I'm not crazy ,I'll use water .

what was the dentist's favorite class in college?
flossophy

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe...
A few hours pass and they decide it's time to finish up.

They're extremely drunk and they stand up to leave but the giraffe falls over and passes out.

The man staggers to the door, about to leave by himself, when the bartender stops him and says, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!"

The man stops and slurs, "Don't be silly, that's not a lion, that's a giraffe!"

Be thankful its not snowing.
Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.

Have you heard that Joey Tribbiani (from "Friends") had a chance to star in a Sci-Fi classic?
"Howya Dune."

What did the bra say to the hat
You go on a head I'll lift these two