A man walks into a bar holding a tiny piano with a tiny man playing itThe bartender says, Where did you find that?
Theres a magic lamp just outside with a genie that grants wishes, the man replies.
The bartender runs outside, grabs the lamp, rubs it, and says, I wish for a million bucks!
All of a sudden, ducks begin falling from the sky.
Confused, the bartender shouts, I said bucks, not ducks!
The man shrugs. Did you think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?
What does a hot dog use for protection?
Condoments.
Yo mama is so fat, when she went to the optometrist, she was diagnosed with:
Assbigmatism
My dad was born with a conjoined twin, but separated at birth
I have an uncle, once removed.
An ion walks into a barlooking very glum.
Whats up? asks the barkeep.
I think I lost an electron, replies the ion, gloomily.
Are you sure?
Yes, the ion says, Im positive.
This is my cake day joke. Please clap!
What's the difference between Iron Man and Aluminum Man?Iron Man stops the bad guys.
Aluminum Man just foils their plans.
I grew up rich
As an adult I go by Richard
What do you call someone who won't stick to a diet?
A desserter
Her husband the handymanAs related to me by my neighbor, Judy. Ive excised all the profanity.
Judy asked her husband Bill to tidy up the bathroom before she headed out for her Saturday afternoon shopping trip.
One of his tasks was to lacquer the toilet seat.
He finished this and the other work and went out to watch football at a sports bar
When he came back home he found Judy, furious, stuck to the toilet seat.
His only option was to remove the toilet seat from the toilet, still stuck Judys behind, cover her with a dressing gown and bring her to the emergency room.
The doctor came in to the cubicle where he was with Judy.
"Hey doctor, what do you think of this?" Bill said, removing the dressing gown.
"That's very nice," said the doctor "But did you have to frame it?"
Why aren't pregnancy jokes popular?
Because the delivery takes too long.
My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall..
But it was his dumb asphalt
I saw a woman faint onto the baggage carousel at the airport this morning.
Thankfully, she came around.
What household product is best to keep men away?
Detergent
Saw a baguette at the zoo
It was bread in captivity
My wife forced me to go to the chiropractor, after years of me telling her he couldn't help my hunched back
I stand corrected.
Calendar.Someone ripped the 5th month out of my new calendar. I'm dismayed.
Im a little embarrassed how long it took me get this one today (from the dad joke calendar)
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
A lumberjack told me that hes chopped down exactly 56,742 treesI asked, How do you know that?
He said, I keep a log.
My friend and I argued about which vowel is the best.I think I won.
But it could have been U.
I don't know why people rate Excel very badly
Personally, I give it October the tenth.
What month do trees dread the most?
Septimbeeeeeeeer!
I have a bad habit of running red lights.
I really need to stop.
Before I met your mother, I dated a German sausage maker
the relationship didn't last long though, she just brought out the wurst in me.
A friend of mine had to take out a geometry loan but his credit is low, so I cosined it for him.
If I hadn't, he would've gone on a tangent.
I told my suitcase there would be no vacation this year...
Now Im dealing with emotional baggage.