[warning 18+]
19

Do you know how much a rainbow weights?
Not much, it's pretty light.

If you ever want to build a big ship to save animals from a flood, come to me.
I Noah guy.

He's an arkitect.

How does an alchemist please his wife?
Elixir

I had to stop dating the tennis player.
Love meant nothing to her.

Why did they call it Mario Kart...
When Mario Speedwagon was right there?

My math teacher said that I was an average student
I told her that was mean

Bears.
My wife called to tell me she saw a bear on the way to work.

I asked her how she knew it was on its way to work.

She hung up on me.

A man is awoken in the middle of the night by his doorbell.
A man is awoken in the middle of the night by his doorbell. Before he can even fully open the door, a giant, six-legged cockroach leaps on him, punching and kicking him relentlessly. After several minutes of being pummeled, the creature scuttles away into the darkness. The man, bruised and dazed, staggers back to bed, but a few hours later, the doorbell rings again.

Thinking it might be help, he rushes to open it, only for the same cockroach to pounce and beat him for a full ten minutes. The man is so exhausted he sleeps right there on the hallway floor. The next morning, he drags himself to the doctor's office. Seeing the massive line, his heart sinks, but the doctor spots him, waves him inside immediately, and says, "Let me guess... you were awoken by a giant cockroach that beat you up?"

Shocked, the man asks, "How did you know that?" The doctor sighs and says, "There's a nasty bug going round!".

Why did the sea monster eat 5 ships that were carrying potatoes?
Because no one can just eat one potato ship.

Reading jokes on this sub comforted me when I lost my dad last week.
They also helped after we found him.

I fed my extra pastry to a couple of pigeons in the park today. It turns out...
I filled two birds with one scone.

Why was the art thief not able to make his getaway from the art museum?
He did not have the Monet to make his Van Gogh

I just bought a new blindfold.
But I can't see myself wearing it.

Two fish are in an armored personnel carrier, one turns to the other and says
"I thought you said we'd be in a tank"

Im so broke I had to beg for spices to cook my dinner!
Im living on borrowed thyme.

Im so proud of myself for finally finding Bigfoot
It was no small feat

What type of deficiency causes clothes to wrinkle?
An iron deficiency

My wife came home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, two bottles of whiskey and two loaves of bread.
"Are we expecting guests?" I asked.

"No," she replied.

"Then why did you buy so much bread?"

The police can't solve who stole the beer.
It's still a cold case.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes.
She gave me a hug.

There is now scientific evidence why a bird V-formation (known as a skein) is longer on one side
There are more birds on that side.

I'm trying to get a group together for a hide and seek competition
Unfortunately good people are pretty hard to find

Numbers
Why was 69 afraid to fight of 70 ? Because 71.

What do iraq men dont like in a woman ?
Bush