The painter
There was a famous artist in the prime of her career who started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.

After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office.

Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office.

During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?"

The ophthalmologist responded, I said to myself 'Thank God I'm not a proctologist.'"

I bet you cant tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time, a husband says to his wife.
She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, Your penis is bigger than your brothers

I can't decide if I want to sell my mattress or keep it.
I think I'll sleep on it.

Do you know that Jesus was originally named Gary
But then Mary stubbed her toe.

I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldnt tell me why it crossed the road.

My son asked why my hair is turning gray.
I said, Every time you talk back, one hair turns gray.

He replied, So grandma mustve been through a nightmare.

Did you hear about the new bakery that makes ordering really easy?
I ordered online, it was a piece of cake.

As my family farming business grew, I asked with my daughter, "Should we start growing corn?"
She answered, "Maybe we can just play it by ear."

I recently realised that the colours on the LGBTQIA+ flag are actually all straight
...unless it blows!

Someone was at an Australian airport going through customs
Customs Agent: "Have you ever committed a felony?"

Person: "I didn't know that was still a requirement."

I was a the zoo recently and saw 3 dinner rolls in a cage
A nearby sign said they were bread in captivity

If anyone asks me how I spent my time off Thanksgiving, Ill say I spent it like I like my mimosas.
Bottomless.

Seriously, its how Im going to get the kids to move out.

Is buttcheeks one word?
Or should I spread them apart?

Whats the difference between a politician and a flying pig?
The letter F

Came up with a terrible dad joke making thanksgiving dinner
My mother-in-law asked me to chop some green onions. I showed my husband and said, See, these are scallions, as he didnt know what they were when he read the recipe. I continued with, and if they make poor life choices, and listened to hip-hop, I guess they would berap-scallions.

My husband groaned. My mother-in-law was dumbstruck. My father-in-law laughed from the other room. I giggled uncontrollably, very proud of my wit.

What does spiderman wear in the winter?
A Peta parqa

At the end of our holiday visit I asked my dad if he approved of my new girlfriend, even though the only job shes ever had was working at a zoo.
He said, Son, shes a keeper.

My wife called me to tell me she saw a fox on the way to work
I asked her how she knew it was on its way to work? She hung up on me

What do you call 50 cent who doesn't shower?
filthy scent

Did you hear about the couple who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.

FaceSeek reminded me of a dad joke that my uncle won't stop telling.
Earlier, while browsing FaceSeek, I was reminded of a joke my uncle always tells at family get-togethers. When someone asked him why he never ironed his shirts, he replied that he liked the wrinkles because they made him appear more seasoned. He committed to it as if it were the best line ever written, even though no one laughed the first time. I find it astounding that dad jokes rely more on confidence than on humour. Is there anyone else who has a family member who tells the same joke for years without ever changing the delivery or the timing?

I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals
I M LIVID

A priest, pastor, and rabbit went to donate blood. When asked what his blood type was,
the rabit said "I am a typo."

What do you call cows on a mountain side?
Lean beef.

Standing in front of a car can get you tired.
Standing behind a car can get you exhausted.