Brake pads
This just now happened...

Went into O'Reilly for brake pads. Guy at the counter said, "What are you needing today?"

I said, "I need brake pads."

He got his fingers on the keyboard and said, "OK, what's it for?"

I said, "It helps your car stop."

My wife fainted onto the baggage carousel at the airport.
Thankfully she came around.

I was just convicted by two dudes names Jimothy and four guys named Jim.
It was a Jim, Jimothy, Jim, Jimothy, Jim, Jim jury.

Doctor: Your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg

A tub of margarine fell on my foot three weeks ago and it still hurts.
I cant believe its not better

Someone just accused me of plagiarism.
Their words, not mine.

My son asked me "Do trees poop?"
I asked him "Where do you think they get #2 pencils?"

My wife said: "That's the 4th time you've gone back for dessert! Doesn't it embarrass you?"
I said: "No, I keep telling them it's for you."

I bought a first aid kit today.
I thought Id treat myself.

Would 14 yrs old version be proud of you?
I am not here to impress a mentally ill child

I went to a pun off last week. The first category was "Water Sources"
I lost in the first round. I didn't do well!

Napoleon.
Okay, maybe Napoleon didn't design his coat. But he definitely had a hand in it.

Why you should eat a banana everyday?
Because they rot quickly.

Whats better than a dad bod?
A father figure.

My doctor gave me bad news about my chronic tendonitis
He said it had progressed into eleventitis

I competed in a sun-tanning contest, hoping to win a gold medal.
I got bronze.

As I get older I realise I don't look good in certain things anymore.
Like photos and mirrors for example.

What was Carrie's least favorite class in high school?
First Period.

Husband - Are you having an affair with my best friend?
Wife - What makes you say that?

Husband - Hes been miserable lately.

Today I was asked how I view lesbian relationships
Apparently "in HD" wasn't the right answer.

I keep mixing up my neurologist and urologist.
The confusion is driving me nuts and pissing me off.

Mom, am I adopted?
Mom - why would I pick you?

I recently changed careers from male model to gardener.
I guess I'm a grower, not a shower.

What do you call a nun that can fly?
(A) A bird
(B) A plane
(C) None of the above