A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and crashes it.
At his trial, he's found guilty and sentenced to death. For his last meal, he asks for a single banana. The next day, he's strapped to the electric chair. They pull the switch but nothing happens. By law, he walks free. Within a week, he hijacks another train and crashes it. Again, he's sentenced t

death. Again, he asks for a banana.

Again, nothing happens. He's released.

The third time, they refuse his banana request.

"Oh no you don't, you son of a b we know your little banana trick!" They serve steak instead.

The next morning, they strap him in, flip the switch... nothing happens.

"Did you give him the banana?" the guard yells.

"No, sir!"

Turns out, the banana had nothing to do with it.

He was just a really bad conductor.

I just found a 95 year old painting in my attic.
I told him to leave immediately.

I sent flowers to a friend who was opening a new office. They were delivered with a card saying, "Rest in Peace." Incensed, I called the florist to complain, and they replied, "It could be worse. Just think...
Today someone was buried beneath a floral arrangement with a card saying, "Congratulations on your new location."

What's the difference between an Indian & African elephant?
For starters, one's an elephant...

If your child asks you to spell part backwards
Dont its a trap.

I take my cow for walks in the local vineyard.
I herd it through the grapevines.

Whats the difference between Walt Disney and Bing Crosby?
Bing sings.

Walt Disney

We were taking a candlelit bubble bath when my wife said, No offense, but this feels awkward. I said, Well I guess I could tell dad jokes. She rolled her eyes and sighed, Ugh, fine.
I turned to my dad and said, OK, so two guys walk into a bar

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle

Why does every lemur drive an EV?
Because they are mad at gas cars

Sign in a sporting goods store.
Now is the winter of our discount tents.

I read instructions on how to build a staircase.
There's a lot of steps.

I tried to make my password "myunderwear"
Then I was informed that passwords must be changed regularly

What's a vampires favorite fruit?
Necktarine

I already know I'm the smartest man in the room
Because I'm sitting alone in my office.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
It's not difficult to roast beef

Woodpecker.
A woodpecker visited the Petrified Forest.

He said it was impeccable.

Why do programmers love dark mode?
Because light attracts bugs!

What do you call a communist with diarrhea?
A Trotskyite.

Why is Mississippi taking so long to count the votes?
Because this is how they count
One Mississippi
Two Mississippi

How does an Englishman invite a dinosaur over for dinner?
Tea, Rex?

At dinner, my date was telling me about her fascination with prophecy, clairvoyance, and other mystical things. I said, Believe it or not, I personally can read tea leaves. Her eyes lit up. Really?! You have to show me!
So I pulled a tiny scroll from my pocket, carefully unrolled it, and read aloud, Tea leaves.

Why was jesus banned from entering a hospital?
Cross contamination.

What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer!

My friend said I have to stop listening to the song Wonderwall
So I said maybeeeee