I'm using only fans right now and it's hot.
I'm waiting for a technician to get my air conditioner fixed

In bed with a priest, a nun said, "Father, I never expected you'd have such a small organ".
He replied, "why, sister... I never expected to be playing in such a large cathedral."

A tough old Texas cowboy once gave his granddaughter some unusual advice. He told her that if she wanted to live a long, healthy life, the secret was simple: sprinkle a small pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal every single morning.
Not wanting to argue with a man who had survived cattle drives, dust storms, and Texas summers, the granddaughter took his advice to heart. Every morning, without fail, she added just a pinch of gunpowder to her breakfast.

She followed this routine faithfully for the rest of her life.

The years passed, and the advice seemed to work. She lived an exceptionally long life, finally passing away peacefully in her sleep at the age of 103.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren

and a 40-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.

True fact: Dolly Parton once entered a Dolly Parton look-a-like contest and didn't win! Same thing happened to Charlie Chaplin & Elvis Presley.
I understand the last two. Neither of them look like Dolly Parton.

What do "Titanic" and "the 6th sense" have in common?
Icy dead people.

A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets. As he walked away he turned to the cadet & said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave."
The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge, no sir! I promised myself when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"

What does a horny frog say?
Rub it

In my career as a lumberjack, I cut down exactly 82,546 trees.
I know that, because I kept a log.

How often do mushrooms reproduce?
Sporadically.

My kid asked, Dad, why is there always a cape, top hat, and playing cards all over your bedroom floor?
I said, Because thats where the magic happens.

What do you call a guy with no shins?
Tony

My banana was hard to open
I find that unappealing.

My friend claims that doing a single yoga pose counts as a whole workout.
I think that's a bit of a stretch.

I dont like margarine or smoked meats as much as my new wife
But I vowed to be in it for butter or wurst.

My wife was upset when I brought home the meat from my big game hunt to cook.
"Honey," she said, "You're making a big moose-steak".

The cashier at the grocery store asked me if I would like my milk in a bag
I replied "No thanks leave it in the carton".

I bought 10 asparagus at the store but when I got home I realized I had 11...
It was just a spare, I guess.

I told my son that we were having Himalayan rabbit stew for supper.
Sounds great he said, but where did you get that rabbit???

I found Himalayan on the side of the road!

What does a vibrator and soy protein have in common?
They're both meat substitutions

Before Mount Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?
Mount Everest

What kind of lighting did Noah use on the ark?
Flood lights.

Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll?
Ken came in another box

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo
I had to put my foot down.

Did you hear about the guy who invented the "knock-knock" joke?
He won the "no-bell" prize.

One Man's Trash is another man's treasure
Is No way to tell your child they are adopted