Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?
He had locomotives.
Who's bigger, Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger's baby?
Mr. Bigger's baby.... because he's a little bigger.
Smoking can kill you, and bacon can kill you, but
...smoking bacon will cure it.
If You hold 7 oranges in one hand and 9 oranges in the other, what do you have??
Really big hands
A friend suddenly quit his job at BMW.
Apparently there was no indication he was leaving
Just acquired an old record from 1955 full of "not for prudes" jokes. This was one of them.A young couple went to the carnival for a date. After riding the Scrambler the following exchange happened.
BF: Where you wanna go next, Honey?
GF: I wanna get weighed.
BF: How 'bout "The Whip?"
GF: No, I wanna get weighed.
BF: How 'bout the Tilt-a-Whirl?
GF: NO! I wanna get weighed.
BF: How 'bout the scenic railroad?
GF: NO!! I WANNA GET WEIGHED!
BF: Hey, there's a scale right over there...........107lbs............so, how 'bout the Ferris Wheel?
Later, BF noticing she's not happy, asks: What's the matter Honey, aren't you having a good time?
GF: No! Wousy!
If I got a nickel every time I was confused
Id be like, where do all these nickels keep coming from?
My friend has a DeLorean
He only drives it from time to time.
Her : Do you smoke after sex?
Him : Don't know, I never looked down there
Why did the thief think the farmer had a headache?
Because when the farmer saw him he shouted my grain!
A genie granted me one wish, so I wished to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with the news.
More on this after the break.
What did the dog say when it was standing right next to a tree?
Bark
What do you call a pig with laryngitis?
Disgruntled
Why couldn't the emu make any friends?
Cause he was ostrich sized
When my kids say, Im cold, I say,
Go stand in the corner. Its 90 degrees.
I asked my date to go to the gym with me, but she stood me up
I guess we're not going to work out.
An old couple are vacationing in Madrid.
While checking into their hotel the old man has a heart attack and falls to the floor. The desk clerk leaps over the counter shouting, "Don't worry, I'm a Doctor!" She wips out a set of Diffibulator paddles out of her shinny black bag, zaps the old man and saves his life. The man and woman are stunned. The Old lady says, "I never would have thought you were a Doctor!" Don't worry states the desk clerk, "Nobody expects the Spanish Inn Physician!"
Told my wife that I was so ready for Daylight Savings time to begin next week. She goes, Babe, its not Savings its just one s.
I said, Ah, OK. In that case, I am so ready for Daylight Avings to begin next week.
I bought a second hand Minute Made delivery truck.
Its a Lemon.
On our first date, she asked me what I do on my free timeMe: I stalk people
She: Cool, I like to swim
Me: I know
Even after years of development, my anti-itch cream still doesn't work.
Now I have to start over from scratch.
I have a friend who is addicted to drinking brake fluid.
He says he can stop anytime.
Once I saw my friend walking with an ostrich, I asked him why, and he said:
"The genie must have misunderstood me, I asked him for a chick with long legs that goes with me everywhere I go!"
Why is 288 the most disgusting number?
Because it's two gross.