To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I'm after you now.

What do you call a little boy who is half French and half Scottish?
A oui lad.

My family recently discovered Grandpa is taking Viagra
We were all rather surprised, but Grandma has been taking it hard

A boy is getting ready to take his date to the prom.
First he goes to rent a tux, but theres a long tux line at the store and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and theres a huge flower line there. He waits a long time but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, theres a large limo line at the rental office, but hes patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and theres no punchline.

Despite having the word 'quit' in its name
Mosquitos are very persistent

I'm thinking of opening a zoo
I'll need 12 koalas, 5 pandas, and at least 1 grizzly. That's the bear minimum

In England it's called a lift, but in America it's called an elevator.
I guess people are just raised differently.

The heat-wave is pretty intolerable, but it's just the start.
If we're not careful it could be a heat-hug next time, maybe even a heat-why-dont-you-come-inside.

I tried to tell the cashier a joke!
But it didnt seem to register!

My husband asked if I knew the name of our galaxy. I said Milky Way. Then I asked if he knew the name of our son.
Its Jack.

All E-books are cowards
They're spineless

How does a redhead answer a loaded question?
Gingerly

My father advised me to register for my donor card.
A man after my own heart

Three things I love in life are:
Eating my family and skipping commas.

Look, I know its tempting, but lets avoid making any jokes about war.
They tend to bomb.

Why was the archaeologist so depressed?
His career was in ruins !

My friend told me he could throw a tennis ball 100 yards and his dog would run to get it and bring it back. I said i dont know..
that seems pretty far fetched!

I tried to climb a really tall tower in France!
But Eiffel off!

My friend constantly brags that his homemade deli sandwiches are better than mine.
Im getting tired of him Reuben it in my face.

Whats a World Cup players least favorite sweater?
A yellow cardigan.

My wife: "You promised to stop with the Darth Vader quotes after we got married"
Me: "I am altering the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further."

My aunt bought a shawl
It was only 5 dollars.

"Thats a steal," my mother said.

I replied, "No mum, thats a stole."

Why did the vegan couple seek out relationship counseling?
They had developed an impossible beef between them

What you call an airline full of bald people?
Receding Airlines

A coma in a sentence can make a huge difference. For instance,
Lets eat, Bob.

has a completely different meaning from

Bob is in a coma.