I knew a guy who was arrested for stealing hay.
Unfortunately, he couldnt make bale.

At dinner, I told my date, Jeez, I am freezing! She said, Ill go ask if they have a space heater.
I said, No thanks, I need something for down here.

A farmer asked his horse if it had stolen his thesaurus...
The horse said, "no."

Win today
I have 2 stepdaughters and a biological son with my wife. Today I won a silly event at a show dinner in front of my kids. It was so stupid (bucket brigade) but it was in front of them. My son and youngest stepdaughter were so proud to see daddy win. It was a really cool feeling with them especially my son. Something Im still riding high on. I dont really have anyone to share this with so figured I would here. My son hasnt stopped talking about watching daddy win and Im a very happy man.

I met a witch for the first time today, but I think I'd seen her black kitten before.
He seemed a little familiar.

Einstein came up with a theory about space.
And it was about time, too.

I met my future wife in the glue factory where we both worked.
We bonded immediately.

Watch out for the Asexuals
you wont see them coming.

What did the blacksmith do after he farted?
Smelt it

What sounds do witches make when they eat cereal?
Snap, CACKLE, and pop.

What do you call a row of rabbits hopping away?
A receding hare line.

Why isnt Jonathan Ross very good at Star Wars impressions?
Hes a Wookie

Why should you never take the stairs in a library?
Way too many stories!

At the age of 95, my grandfather Gerald from Yorkshire is still a prolific footballer. He has scored 3 times in every match this season.
We call him Gerry 'at trick.

Did you guys hear about the politician that wants to ban shredded cheese?
They want to make America grate again.

A beautiful girl stole my heart.
Now give it back.

Im looking forward to watching the World Origami Championship.
Its on paper view

Why didn't the fisherman listen to the shipping forecast?
He thought it was hake news.

Blond skipping home from school
Jenny, a blonde girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
Is it because I'm blonde?" Jenny asked.
"Yes, It's because you're blonde," said the mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good, Jenny," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, It's because you're blonde."
The next day Jenny came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"
And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 24.

Whats a parachutists favourite herb?
Ground cumin

What has more lives than a cat?

A frog, they croak every day.

The executioner explained my hanging to me in great detail.
I said, Thanks for keeping me in the loop.

What sound does a French narcissist make when they blow you a kiss?
Moi~ ;)

I took the shell off my racing snail to make him go faster
Unfortunately it just made him more sluggish

A trip to a Chinese restaurant
An older couple went out for dinner at their favorite Chinese restaurant.

They decided to try something new on the menu called Chicken Surprise.

A few minutes later, the waiter brought their meal a covered cast iron pot.

Just as the wife was about to serve herself, the lid popped up a little and she saw two tiny eyes peeking out! Then the lid dropped back down.

Harold, did you see that?! she whispered.

Harold hadnt, so she told him to look. He lifted the lid and sure enough, two little eyes peered up at him before the lid slammed shut again.

Totally baffled, he called the waiter over. Excuse me, but somethings alive in here!

The waiter nodded politely and said,

Ah, so sorry, sir. You ordered Chicken Surprise?

Yes, Harold said nervously.

Ah, said the waiter, bowing slightly. My mistake. Thats our Peking Duck!