They say if you play heavy metal backwards you get satanic messages. What do you get playing country music backwards?
Your job back, your wife back, your truck back, your house back
Donald Trump is rooting for the Spurs at the NBA Finals
They're what kept him out of Vietnam.
A blonde and her husband are watching the news...News Flash: A Brazilian died while skydiving when his parachute didn't open.
The blonde bursts into tears
Husband (comforting her): I know it's sad, but people need to know that there's a risk while skydiving.
Blonde: But that's a lot of people. How many is a Brazilian?
A penguin waddled into a party. He looked around the room and realized there were no beverages. He said,This is the worst party Ive ever been to.
(Theres no punch line)
Ernie and Bert from Sesame StreetBert Hey Ernie do want to go get some ice cream or something?
Ernie Sherbert
You know what always catches my eye?
Short people with umbrellas.
Humility is among one of my strongest traits
It's right up there along with my intelligence, athleticism, wealth, and education.
Kermit the Frog walked into a bank to borrow some money to make his next movieThe loan officer introduced himself as John Pattywhack, then told Kermit hed need to offer something as collateral
Take this, Kermit said, and handed the loan officer an unfamiliar object
The loan officer looked at him and said, Im gonna need to talk with my manager
The loan officer showed the object to his manager
Kermit offered this as collateral but I have no idea what it is
The manager rolled his eyes and said, its a knickknack, Pattywhack. Give the frog a loan.
Alcohol consumption is set to rise by 350% in England during the World Cup.
Until the group stages are over.
My son's soccer team is named the Numerators.
They're at the top of the division.
What is the opposite of a pharmacy?
A nearmacy.
Somebody told me that his hippo was trained to use the toilet.
But I think it's just a hippo potty myth
The mods told me to stop making bird jokes
I've been going for the cheep laughs.
My wife and I were kissing on the sofa when she was like Lets take this upstairs. I said Okay.
You grab one end and Ill grab the other.
What kind of pants does a ghost hunter wear
Just a paranormal jeans
I got a job teaching poetry to prison inmates.
It has its prose and cons.
Two drunks are about to get in a fight, when one draws a line in the dirt and says, If you cross this line, Ill hit you in the face!
That was the punchline.
I tried to impress a German girl by telling her jokes about the number three.
It didnt work. She thought my humor was too Drei.
What type of pasta is most likely to cheat to win a musical theater award?
Rigatoni
What's the Name of a String Instrument You Might Find in an Orchestra?...
## Don't say Violin! Violins is *never* the answer!
I learned to never put avocados in my eyes.
I could wind up with guacoma.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked: "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?".I replied: "No."
.She responded: "How about now?"
My son asked me to buy him a violent video game, but I found a fun tennis game on the shelf right over it...
I guess you could say I went above and beyond the Call of Duty.
Tried to take a dump in the shower, but only farted.
It was a sham poo.
Where does Julius Cesar keep his armies?
In his sleevies