According to my son, its not possible for two lines to cross. Honestly, I have no idea how he could think that.
He must be living in some kind of parallel universe.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, "What's with the paper towel?"
The pirate says, "Arrr! I've got a Bounty on me head!"
When i went out of town recently, i paid extra for a larger, nicer room at the hotel. When I entered the room, there were yams everywhere. I went down to the front to ask why there were yams in my room, and the girl at the front desk said Those arent yams
theyre suite potatoes!
Butt Deodorant
A man needs help while shopping. He asks the clerk, "Where's the butt deodorant?"

The clerk says, "I've never heard of that".

The man says, "It says right on the container, 'Push Up Bottom'".

I had an apple and an orange for breakfast this morning.
The apple was way better. No comparison.
The first thing a man looks at in a woman is her heart
The fact that her boobs block the view is not our fault
My work friend was telling me that he is smoking a turkey for Thanksgiving
I told him things will probably work out better if he just eats it.
A wizard asked me to proof read one of his scrolls
Actually it was more of a spell check!
Did you hear about the Soup Kitchen run by conservatives?
They told everybody who came to help themselves
Do you know which is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language.
My wife complains I don't buy her flowers
But to be honest, I never knew she sold flowers
Just saw Wicked: For Good and Im genuinely confused
Why did they skip Wicked: Too Good and Three Good??
What do you get when you toss a grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blown-apart.
Man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head
Barman : Whyve you a fried egg sitting on top of your head?

Man: The boiled ones keep rolling off.

I ate a kids meal in McDonalds this morning.
His mother was furious.
Did you hear about the proctologist whose girlfriend cheated on him?
It totally rectum.
What did the pirate say when he was kicked in the crotch at a Midwestern appliance store?
Ah, Me 'Nards!
What's the difference between swine flu and bird flu?
One requires oinkment, the other requires tweetment.
What do you call a cop who's bad at fishing?
An Off fisher
Winning the battle
My (55) daughter (22) and I regularly spar with word play and dad jokes. Today I was ridiculing her as I often do for the excessive amount of lidded cups she uses for iced tea/coffee. They filled half the sink and she finally went to tackle it, including the plethora of lids and straws. As she was completing her task, she held a bundle of straws she was drying. She looked at me and said she tried, but couldnt come up with a straw pun. Without missing a beat, I pointed at the final sipper she was toweling off and said, Well thats the last straw. She hung her head and sighed, knowing on this day, shed been utterly defeated.
My wife says I'm a loser for the job I do - delivering a van filled with animal testicles
Which is a load of bollocks.
People of Dubai dont like the Flintstones.
But the people of Abu Dhabi do.
Pilgrims traveled on the Mayflower. What do college students travel on?
Scholar ships
What kind of fowl likes to count?
A Mathemachicken!
I watched a documentary on anti-matter.
It really lacked substance.