When is a Door, not a Door?
When it is Ajar...

TRUE Story. I was a massage therapist for several years. Had a client that owned horses.
She apologized for coming right from the barn to her appointment. I said, "No problem, climb up and I will take you from Farm to Table. "

She laughed on and off thru the entire hour.

Why do chicken coops have only 2 doors?
Because if they had 4 they'd be chicken sedans.

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says, You look like youve got a lot on your mind. The man replies, Yeah I tried to organize a hide-and-seek tournament. The bartender asks, Howd it go? The man sighs,

Terrible. Good players are hard to find.

I just dumped some Adderall in my Ford Fiestas gas tank..
now its a Ford Focus.

A friend of mine got married on a plane mid-flight
It didn't last though. The court said there were no grounds for the marriage.

I have a horse called Mayo.
Sometimes, Mayo neighs.

My 12 year old told us at the dinner table tonight.

Theres a guy at work who constantly criticizes my understanding of binary logic.
Hes always Boolean me!

Woman says
A woman screams to an old man - Punish me daddy, Ive been a bad girl.

With a sigh, the priest says, for the 10th time, its Forgive me father, for I had sinned.

I went in for a colonoscopy and the doctor asked me how the preparation regimen went.
I said, "it was tough, but it really made some things clear for me."

(If you've never had to do this, starting the day before the procedure they ask you to drink a bunch of laxatives and water to clean you out. As you might imagine, by the end of it you're passing almost clear liquid).

What do you call a cheap vampire
Dis-count Dracula

What do you call a 4'11" psychic on the run from the cops?
A small medium at large!

What happens when a microbiologist drops a Petri dish?
Severe culture shock.

What does Donald T smell like ?
Depends.

How do you make gold soup?
With 24 carrots.

One for your horse obsessed children / niblings & family
Q: What did the shorter horse say to the taller horse when it was trying to reach some fruit just a little too high for her?

A: I need a hand

For the not horse people: Horses heights are measured in hands. One hand is 10cm or about 4 inches, and hands are always measured to the horse's shoulder.

My linguistics teacher called me a show off.
I said, "Ampersand?"

To Be Frank
I have to change my name.

Wife gets a new pair of sunglasses with lots of bling.
Wife - Do you like all the bling?

Me - yeah, those are quite a spectacle!

I need to cut the grass but I can't be bothered
Maybe I just need some mowtivation

What did the cops say when a short psychic robbed a McDonald's and fled?
A small medium's at large.

Bouncer at a nightclub
Police have confirmed that the man who tragically fell from the roof of an 18th floor nightclub was not a bouncer.

The police are looking for a man with one eye called Murphy.
I don't know what his other eye is called.

Why didn't the personal trainer get kicked out of his apartment?
He had squatter's rights