What do you call a Viking who lost his boat?
A Hiking.

My 19yo daughter just dropped this on me: How can you tell if you're having dinner with a termite?
They order the house salad.

A man took his wife to the hospital because she was in labor. Later on, the wife on the bed started screaming random stuff like couldn't, shouldn't, can't and won't. The man asked the doctor what's wrong with her and is this common.
The doctor said "don't worry, those are just contractions"

You know what's worse than ants in your pants?
Uncles

I dont see whats so great about the bottomless shrimp deal at Red Lobster
As far as I know shrimp dont wear pants anyway

Today I found a coin with bite marks all over it
I guess it was a bitcoin.

What did Jay-Z call Beyonc after he proposed?
Feyonc

What does the moon do when he needs a haircut?
Eclipse it.

I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey
But I turned myself around

I sent my son to his room for saying Jim Morrison was a terrible musician...
Sorry, but we do not slam The Doors in this house.

Did you know animals can go on vacation????
Where do sheep like to go on vacation ? - Baaaaahamas

Why couldn't the pasta get into his house?
Gnocchis.

Doctor: Im just waiting for your X-Ray
Lady : But Ive never dated anyone named Ray

Doctor : And we would do a brain scan too

Did you hear about the two antennae that got married?
The ceremony was ok, but the reception was AMAZING!

Bobby Flay has a sister who is also a chef
Her name is Sue

What do you call sheep rolling down a hill?
A lambslide

. . .. I broke up with my GF Lorraine because I was seeing another woman named Claire Lee . .. .
. .. ..The good news is that I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone . .. .. ..

Just ordered a thriller book in Braille and it's almost unreadable. I get a foreboding sense of anxiety..
I just feel that something bad's going to happen.

Don't forget your punctuation folks.
A comma can completely change a sentence.
For example: "Let's eat, Bob!" vs. "Bob is in a comma."

Where did people go to hang out during the medieval times?
Knight clubs.

Why do Canadian cowboys have sticky feet?
Maple stirrups.

What did the Roman emperor say when his female prisoner escaped?
Julius, seize her

Scientists found that even after clinical death a persons eyes can still function for a short period of time
It's mostly because the pupils die-late.

Some guy has been doing all the stuff on my To Do list...
Every single item says "Mark completed"

The son came home from school a bit sad. Mom goes "what's wrong?" The son said "my math teacher said I probably need some new eyeglasses for math." The mom looked confused.
Then the son said "she said that it can help with division".