Why can't people with bladder issues print documents?
They can't control pee.
While bench pressing today, my dumbbell slipped and everyone laughed
I had to get that off my chest
How does Dolly Parton keep her swimming pool clean?
Chlorine,chlorine,chlorine,chlorineeeeen
The mopedAn old man on a moped pulls up to a stoplight next to a doctor in a sleek, shiny car.
What kind of car ya got there, sonny? the old man asks.
The doctor replies, Its a Ferrari. Cost me half a million dollars!
Thats a lot of money, the old man says. Why so expensive?
Because it can go up to 220 miles an hour, the doctor says proudly.
Wow, mind if I take a look inside? the old man asks.
No problem, the doctor says. The old man peers in the window, looks around, then sits back on his moped. Real nice car but Ill stick with my moped.
Just then the light turns green, and the doctor decides to show off what his car can do. He floors it, hitting 150 in seconds. Then he notices a dot in his rearview mirror. It seems to be getting closer. Suddenly, WHOOOSH, something blasts past him.
He slows, then speeds up faster. Up ahead, he realizes its the old man on the moped. Amazed, the doctor punches it to 200 and passes him again, only to see the moped closing in once more.
Now the Ferrari is flat out at 220. Theres nothing more he can do. Seconds later, the moped slams into the back of the Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. Unbelievably, the old man is still alive.
The doctor jumps out and rushes over. Im a doctor! Is there anything I can do for you?
The old man, pale and out of breath, whispers, Yeah could you unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror?
Im auditioning for a NSFW play, but I dont want anyone I know to hear my monologues
Those are my private parts
Heres my 1st year knowledge of Spanish. Whats the difference between a 14 year old boy in the US and one in Mexico?
The 14 year old boy in the U.S. is a freshman and one in Mexico is a seor.
What weighs more a gallon of water or a gallon of butane
water! butane is a lighter fluid
I was walking around the house complaining about it being cold
Then my dad shouts from the other room: "Go stand in a corner then, it's always 90 degrees there" (true story)
What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backward?
A receding hare line.
I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him move faster.
If anything, it made him a little sluggish.
Do you really have to lick the knife? a woman asked the man standing next to her.Whoops! Sorry! Force of habit, he answered, chuckling. Lots of people do it though, don't they?
Yes, she replied, but not during surgery, doctor.
A farmer was in the hospital because of severe dehydration
His neighbor sent him a card that said "Get well soon."
My wife tells me I have 2 major faults.
That I dont listen and something else. I dont know....
What do you call a German cloud that refuses to rain?
Cloud nein.
My doctor advised me to take 2 tablets 4 times a day.
That's why I got arrested inside an Apple store!
Doc with a Dad JokeMe: I ate 4 cans of Alphabet Soup today. Will it cause problems ?
Doc: Well, you may experience a massive VOWEL movement.
After my wife got in the bath, I asked her why she is in trouble?Confused, she replied "What do you mean?"
"Well", I said, "you are currently in hot water!"
Did you know that Davy Crocket had three ears?
His left ear, his right ear, and his wild frontier.
I took the airline to court for losing my bags
I lost my case
My wife told me "You smell!"
Yes, I use my other senses too!
Did you know Elon Musk was named after Genghis Khan?
Yeah! Approximately 809 years after!
What do you call a young Irish smoker?
Nick OTeen
I cant believe Im just now watching curling for the first time.
This sport rocks!
What do you call a bird from Norway?
A scandin-avian
What has nine arms and sucks?
Def Leppard.