A man brings his Rottweiler into the vet. My dog is cross-eyed is there anything you can do for him?Well, the vet says, Lets have a look at him. The vet picks up the dog and looks into his eyes. After a few second the he says, Im afraid Im going to have to put him down.
The shocked owner replies, what?! Because hes cross-eyed?!
No, because hes heavy.
Someone told me my clothes were gay.
I said: "Yeah they came out of the closet this morning."
What's a different phrase you can use for anal bleaching?
Changing your ringtone.
When do you know the medieval orgy is over?
When the knight has come
An older gentleman was being tailgated by a stressed-out lady on a busy street.Suddenly, the light turned yellow just ahead of him, and he did the right thing; he stopped at the crosswalk to allow the waiting pedestrians cross.
The lady behind him lost it. She battered the horn, yelling and gesturing wildly because she missed her chance to make the light.
In the middle of her rant, there was a tap on her window. She looked up to see a police officer.
She was taken to the police station and placed in a holding cell.
A couple of hours later, the officer opened the door and said,
Im very sorry for the mistake, maam, let me explain. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and shouting cuss words I, even as a police officer, have never heard before.
Then I noticed the What Would Jesus Do? bumper sticker, the Follow Me to Sunday School sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish on the trunk.
Naturally I assumed the car was stolen.
What was George Washington's favorite music genre
I heard he loved his country
I just got a new dry erase board
it's remarkable
What's faster than an escalator?
An escasooner
A pun walks into a bar, and ten people die
pun in, ten dead.
What kind of medical condition causes wrinkled clothes?
An iron deficiency.
The local farmer replaced his rooster with a duck..
.. now he gets up at the quack of dawn!
1, 2, and 3 walk into a bar2 asks for a drink.
"You're mean," says the bartender.
Im old enough to remember when computers only came with a keyboard. Initially I couldnt see the point of a mouse
Then it clicked
I got pulled over today and the cop asked if I know why he pulled me over.....I replied "Is it because you want to see how tall I am?"
He said "step out of the car sir"
See, I knew it.......
What do you call the belly of a woman whos pregnant with twins?
A two bed womb apartment.
The guy who invented the Ferris wheel never met the guy who invented the merry-go-round.
They traveled in different circles.
What kind of music do wind turbines like?
They're big metal fans.
This soup recipe calls for "5 potatoes cubed".
Maybe it's just me, but 125 potatoes seems excessive.
When I went to the chiropractor, he tried to explain the entire evolution of the spinal cord.
I said, Look, I dont need the whole back story.
A group of baked goods - rolls, buns, puffs, etc, about ten in total, walk into a bar. A mob of angry dads storms in looking for fresh dad jokes and completely wrecks the place. The buns manage to escape unscathed. Quite the tragedy, but at least..
No bun in ten, dead
I hate watching the washing machine wash clothes.
It's just so agitating.
I was talking to my friend the other day and he told me he doesnt understand cloning
I said that makes two of us.
Sade gets seated at a restaurant with friendsA bald waiter singing opera style walks into the kitchen.
What the hell was that?, asks a friend.
Sade- No need to ask, hes a smooth opera waiter
A fetus walks into a bar.
"That was not a good delivery," says the bartender.
Why did the bee need glasses?He had aSTINGmatism.
My 6y/o boy that just got glasses dropped this bomb on me.