At the thieves convention, there was a standing ovation for the guy who specialized in stealing boat parts.
He took a bow.
Math teacher says: "50 percent of the class have failed the recent test"
Pupil/student from back row replies: "We're not even that many here in class!"
I heard that by law you have to turn on your headlights when its raining in Sweden.
How the hell am I suppose to know when its raining in Sweden?
One for my son this morning. You know goalkeepers wear gloves on their hands? Yeh, sure! Do you know why? Errr, no?
Because if they put them on their feet their boots wouldnt fit
Why do horses never seem stressed?
They have a stable life.
Why was the student's report card all wet
it was below c level
I just got my covid test back.
It was 50. I also got my IQ test back, it was positive.
Why can't a T-Rex clap its hands?
Because it's extinct, duh.
I met a Russian-Canadian the other day. He said his name was...
Vladimir Poutine
What happens if someone slaps you at a high frequency?
It Hertz.
Star Trek
My son asked me who was the best Captain on Star Trek, so I Said Captain Slog, he replied that he had never heard of him, then I informed my son that Captain Slog is in every episode as the programme starts they say Captain Slog star date ****
I dont understand how people have a hard time sleeping
I can do it with my eyes closed
Circle flies #563A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding and the trooper started to lecture the farmer and threw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, but as he was he kept swatting at some flies buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper said, Yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies."
Well, circle flies are common on farms, replied the farmer. Theyre called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper said, "Oh," and went back to writing the ticket. After a minute he stopped and said, "Hey...wait a minute, are you calling me a horse's ass?
Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass, replied the farmer.
The trooper said, "Well, that's a good thing," and went on writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer said, "Cant fool those circle flies, though."
After getting married, you learn a lot about yourself.
Just like I learnt that I can sleep the whole night on just 6 inches of a king sized bed.
I can't believe I got fired from the clock factory.
I put in so many extra hours.
I often daydream about swimming in a body of water filled with orange soda
It's a fanta-sea
I just flicked a dead fly off e4.
I hope yall dont mind me telling you this. I just had to get it off my chess.
Did you hear about the Civil War amongst the light bulbs?
I'm not even sure watt started it.
I love putting on fresh underwear straight out of the dryer.
Plus it's fun looking around the laundromat, trying to guess who they belong to.
Whats the only product you should buy if the reviews say it sucks?
A vacuum!
My dad doesn't want me to make breakfast anymore. He said i burn the toast.
I'm worried he might be black-toast-intolerant
A fight broke out at the trampoline park
Youd think theyd have a bouncer
To survive in this economy, Freddy Krueger had to get a job managing a Walmart.
He's doing a great job slashing prices!
Whats it called when a trucker ties the knot?
A truckers hitch.
What kind of doctor was Dr Pepper?
He was a Fizzician.