A young man was not having much success in dating women, so he went to the library to find a book on romance. He checked out one called "How to Hug." It wasn't much help.
It turns out he checked out volume 14 of an encyclopedia.

A police officer came to my house and asked me where I was between 5 & 6.
He seemed irritated when I answered:
"Kindergarten"

A fisherman and his wife welcomed their twin sons into the world. For a while, they struggled to come up with names for the boys, but one day they noticed that one boy was always looking toward the sea, the other away, so they named their sons Toward and Away.
A few years later, when the boys were old enough, the fisherman decided to teach them the family trade. So he packs up the boat, kisses his wife goodbye, and goes out to sea with his sons.

Years pass without their return. One day, at the market, the wife sees a man she recognizes as her husband. She asks him.

"Where are the boys?"

"Oh, it was horrible!" The father exclaimed, distress in his voice. "Just days after we left, Toward caught a huge fish. But the fish was relentless and fought back. They wrestled on the waves for days, before Toward's strength failed him, and the fish swallowed him whole!"

"Oh god!" The wife exclaims, "That's horrible!"

"You think that's bad?" The father asks, "You shoulda seen the one that got Away."

My wife texted from work
HerAre you watching that new serial killer documentary on Netflix?

MeI amjust started episode 3

HerGreat, pause it at 21 minutes and 8 seconds

MeOk, paused, its at the crime scene in the living room

HerRight! Do you see the blood spatter on the wall near the fireplace?

MeYeah, its pretty gruesome

HerLook just to the left of the fireplace mantledo you see where the natural light is hitting the wall?

MeYes

HerThats the exact shade of sage green I want for the guest bathroom

I have been reading up on decolonization
Honestly, its unsettling.

How much does a rainbow weigh?
Almost nothing, it's pretty light.

Why are gay dating sites so popular?
Because one man's junk is another man's treasure

How come China and the USSR never had good soccer teams?
Their players draw too many red cards.

Cottage cheese isnt really cheese
Just a curd to me

I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said Youre an 8 on a scale of 10.
Im still not sure why she wants me to urinate on a skeleton.

I named my dog Gilligan because he has, well, he has a VERY noisy wagger!!
So just sit right back and you'll hear a tail...

To save money on a coffin, buy a pen from Amazon...
and use the box it came in.

THIS JUST IN: Its been reported that some vandals made a hole in the fence surrounding the nudist colony.
Police are looking into it

My granddaughter just told me that she got a Nintendo switch.
I asked How did you turn on your Nintendo before that?

What do you call a glory hole at the police station?
The anonymous tip

Deodorants.
I think wearing two different deodorants is a brilliant idea

One under each armpit.

But thats just my two scents.

A piece of string walks into a bar, bartender says, Hey we don't serve your kind in here. So the string goes outside, twists himself around and rubs himself up and down. He walks back into the bar. The bartender says, Hey aren't you that piece of string I just kicked out?
The string says, No, I'm a frayed knot.

Couples who stay together often pass gas at the same time
Quote from Egyptian Pharaoh Toot'nCommon.

How do you know that Mike Tyson is anti-religion?
Because he punches people in the faith.

Sat around my dads hospital bed last night, the Dr reported I have some bad news & I have some good news.
Whats the bad news? asked my dad.

Your legs are going to have to be amputated. replied the Dr.

Whats the good news then? I piped up.

The bloke in the bed next door wants to buy your dadss slippers.

What does a non-binary person do on the toilet?
They take a she/it.

What do you call a site that shows sexy Cuban desserts?
OnlyFlans