CIA loses track of an Operative
The CIA lost track of its operative Murphy in Ireland. The CIA director said, All I can tell you is his name is Murphy & hes somewhere in Ireland. If you think youve located him, tell him the code words, The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning. If its really him, hell answer, Yes, and for mist at noon as well.

The operative went to Ireland & stopped in a bar in a small town. He said to the barman, Maybe you can help me. Im looking for a guy named Murphy.

The bartender replied, Youre going to have to be more specific because, around here, there are lots of guys named Murphy. Theres Murphy the Baker who runs the pastry shop on the next block. Theres Murphy the Banker whos president of our local savings bank. Theres Murphy the Blacksmith, who works at the stables. And, as a matter of fact, my name is Murphy, too.

Hearing this, the operative figured he might as well try the code words on the bartender, so he said, The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning.

The bartender replied, Oh, youre looking for Murphy the Spy. He lives right down the street."

My son was in bad shape after his girlfriend dumped him, so I bought him a Playstation and an Xbox.
That really helped console him.

I did it.
I may have achieved the perfect dad joke in real time.

I was sitting on a panel during a presentation in front of dozens of people. One of the other presenters was talking, and Id lost the thread for a few seconds when suddenly my brain tuned back in:
and were partnering with the Norwegian, Swedish, and Finnish navies.

My brain: The Scandinavian navies.

Oh.

OH.

My mouth before my brain realized it was moving: Did you know their ships all have barcodes on the sides?

Presenter, completely sincerely: No, I didnt know that.

Me: Yeah! Its so they can Scan Da Navy In.

I was met by silence.
Not groaning. Not laughter.

About EIGHT FULL SECONDS of silence.

Then, from another presenter (a friend of mine) sitting elsewhere on the panel:
OH MY GOD, YOURE SUCH A DORK!

Then the audience began to realize what theyd just witnessed.

I asked her about it again today because I couldnt remember exactly what shed called me. She couldnt remember either.

What she DID remember was why it took her eight seconds to react: she was genuinely flabbergasted that the setup had appeared organically in a real professional presentation, that Id recognized it instantly, and that shed actually watched the whole atrocity happen spontaneously in real time.

She told me that it is the single best real-time dad joke she has ever witnessed in her life.

I have never been prouder of any other dad joke - and there have been MANY.

The bar has been set. Now I know what I have to aspire to.

How did Mario get his kart home when it broke down?
He got Toad.

With Trump renaming all these geographic features, next up he's going to rename the San Andreas Fault...
... to "Biden's Fault"

Not many people know Yoda has a last name
Its Layheehoo

Dolly Parton once lost a Dolly lookalike contest. So did Elvis and Charlie Chaplin.
To be fair, neither looks much like Dolly.

Whats the best part about old age?
No peer pressure

Now that Lake Ontario has been renamed Lake America there's a new acronym to remember the great lakes..
instead of HOMES the new acronym is SHAME

The stock market report
Stock Market Report
Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading.>
Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged.

The market for raisins dried up. Balloon prices were inflated and toilet paper touched a new bottom.

N.A.S.A. sent four cows into orbit.
They were the herd shot 'round the world.

There was a huge queue to get into the World Dominos Championships
until I pushed the guy at the back over

Two narcissists walk into a bar
They spill drinks on each but it doesnt matter because they are too self-absorbed

A woman locked her keys in her car
A woman is extremely upset because she locked her keys inside her car. A passing soldier stops and assures her he can help. She watches him as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball, and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens! Amazed she asks him how he did it... "Easy" he says, "These are my khakis."

Where do cows go on Friday nights?
To the moo-vies.

My daughter just left the kitchen
We was doing some baked apples and I held up an apple core. Looked at her and said "You should remember for this forever because this is a core memory." And she just left the kitchen without saying anything. What is your best dad joke event or memory.

Tried out a Catholic church last week
The priest started coming toward me, swinging a little bucket of smelly smoke.

I was incensed!

They didn't allow me to see the new Pirates of the Carribean movie with my son.
The movie is rated aRRRR.

Why did Spider-Man pick his nose?
To get rid of the Green Goblin

Don't judge me, I love cheesy jokes and have a million of them

A naval story
A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

Dear Captain,
Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball.
I would like you to send three well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance.
They should arrive promptly
at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation.
They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies.
One last point:
No Jews, please.

In a written message, the captain replied:
'Madam, thank you for your invitation.

In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending three of my best and most prized officers.

One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design.

The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern university in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering.

His Masters Degree and PhD In Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate.

Finally, the third officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and medical degree from the University of North Carolina.
We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda .

Upon reading the letter the woman was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure.
Her daughter would be escorted by three handsome naval officers (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).

At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform three very handsome, smiling black officers.

Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, 'There must be some mistake.'

'No, Madam,' said the first officer, 'Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes.'

Whats the difference between a baby joke and a fetus joke?
The delivery.

Whats a dogs favorite button on a tv remote?
The paws button

I feel like an imposter, I make a bunch of dad jokes but I'm not a father.
I'm a faux pa

Did you hear about the queen who's only 12 inches tall?
They say she's a great ruler.

What do you call two witches who live in the same apartment?

Broommates