Asked my wife if she knew that Bruce Lee had a brother who didnt tolerate joking around. She rolled her eyes and said, Seriously?
Im like, Oh youve heard of him!
My mom's two sisters told me that if, for any reason, I am incapacitated, one will sit by my side day and night. The other will go out and destroy whoever put me in that state.
They are my vigil aunties.
Accidentally swallowed 2 pieces of string and they came out tied together!
I shit you knot.
I thought this terrible one up this morning. Sorry in advanceWhy do egg whites never try to be funny?
Because nobody will get their yolks!
I will see myself out
Why are mountains so funny?
Theyre hill areas.
I think I was born upside downMy feet smell and my nose runs.
You might think this is funny but its snot.
Why are redheads not allowed in South Korea?
Everyone knows that gingers have no Seoul.
My wife said she would divorce me if I didnt get over my obsession with flamingos
So I had to put my foot down. . .
Where does Walmart keep the Terminator toys?
aisle b, back
The Death Star runs on Mac OS. Darth Vader noticed the entire system was freezing up.
He had to Force quit.
How many optometrists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
1, or 2? 1... Or 2?
What fruit can never marry?
Cantaloupe
My wife said she's leaving me because of my Star Wars obsession
So I said: may divorce be with you.
What do you call a snail with a spear
a slow poke
Pirate Ship Captain: I am desperate. Can someone tell me how to write the number 2 in Roman numerals?
Crew: I I Captain.
You should always knock on the fridge before opening it
just in case there's a salad dressing.
[Classic] My wife was giving me the silent treatment after an argument in the car. She saw a field of cows and muttered, your relatives?
I said, Yes.. in-laws.
My eye doctor just informed me that I'm colorblind!!!
That news really came out of the purple for me.
Do you need an ark ?
Because i noah guy
I was at a party when this guy Richard was singling me out saying I couldn't use the long form of his name.
I don't know why he was a Dick to only me.
Why did the Buddha start pulling coins out of his butt?
Because change comes from within.
A guy tried to sell me a mirror, but I knew it was a scam
I could see right through it.
As a boxer I had the worst defence ever.
Hands down.
Why are cops always early?
So they can beat the crowd!
What does a hippie asks for in the hot dog stand?
"Make me one with everything".