Do you know why there are Pop tarts but no Mom tarts???
Because of the pastryarchy!

I saw a man with one arm shopping in a second hand store
I dont think he will find what hes looking for

I will never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he died.
Hey, are you holding the ladder?

I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties
now I sneak out of parties to go to my house

What do you call a child with redheaded parents?
Ginger-bred.

Back in elementary school, my teacher thought it was weird that I did my multiplication tests on the floor.
But she's the one who said not to use tables.

Whats the best way to stop an unwanted erection
Zoning laws. If someone is erecting something near your property that you dont like, inform the local city council.

Thank you,u/monkeyboatrentals for the pun

Im thinking of selling my Theremin.
I havent touched it for years.

Did you hear about the snowman who got upset when the sun came out
He had a total meltdown

The Pharaoh could not believe he was drowning.
He was in the Nile

The police finally caught the guy who was giving illegal circumcisions.
I wonder what tipped them off.

They finally caught the guys who was having sex with all the farm animals but he escaped...
Now hes on the lamb.

Do you know what really borders on stupidity???
Mexico and Canada!

I'm writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It's an oughtobiography.

What is Jesuss favorite band?
Nine inch Nails!

Why do Trump want Greenland?
It's got a lot of ICE

A local church found a statue of Jesus encased in plastic on Easter Sunday.
The priest held it up at mass and said "He is resin today!"

What do you call a pile of male sheep?
A heep.

Another version is what do you call a male sheep?

Not sure if I made this up, or if someone thought of it before me.

If you have ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly...
Because communication is key.

The door is innocent
It was framed

I thought my wifes closet was chaotic!
Her clothes werent arranged by color or by pattern or by fabric. I mean, she had a red heavily sequined blouse hanging next to a blue blouse that had several sequins on it. And then there was a green dress that had just a few sequins on it. And next to that was a black dress that didnt have any sequins. And then I realized she was arranging things more orderly than I thought. After all, her clothes were hanging in sequintial order!

How does Pac-Man cook Chinese food?
He uses a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok

A man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to his priest.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic."

"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."

"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed."

"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."

"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question..."

"What is that, my son?"

"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

Isnt it crazy that
If you donate one kidney you are a hero but if you donate 17 you get arrested

Why did the architect dip his fingers in blue paint ?
So he can get the blue prints