A swimmer was asked what her favourite stroke was
She replied The one that killed Margaret Thatcher.

How does a polygamist hippie count his wives?
1 Mrs. Hippie. 2 Mrs. Hippie. 3. Mrs Hippie...

Im sorry and I apologize mean the same thing
Except at a funeral

I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds
Poor guy

A weasel goes into a bar. The bartender says Interesting. Ive never served a weasel before. What can I get you?
Pop goes the weasel.

My son just opened a cookie from Panda Express and it had no piece of paper inside.
How unfortunate.

What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory

When I feel lonely, I buy some shares at the stock market.
It's nice to have some company.

I walked past a farm and saw a sign that read: Duck, eggs!
I thought, That comma seems unnecessary

Then it hit me.

Why are pubic hairs curly?
So they dont poke your eye out

My son came up to me crying.
"I'm getting bullied at school, dad. The children think I'm arrogant."

"Are they in your class?" I asked.

He said, "No, I'm much better obviously."

I was walking down the street this morning when I was suddenly hit by a violin, a clarinet, and a french horn
I think it was an orchestrated attack!

What happens when someone eats aluminum foil?
They sheet metal

Whats a frogs favorite outfit
A jumpsuit

If you're broke...
What type of car should you buy?

Whichever one you can. A Ford.

What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum?
A chew chew train

Dogs can bark up to 500 times a day
thats just a RUFF estimate.

My mom and my dad were quite the opposite:
My mom was always right and my dad left.

Man: Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!
Judge: Repeat infractions?

Man: Fine. 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!

I went to the mechanic, and he told me my car needs new brakes
I told him, "I don't need them, all they do is slow me down."

Did they have horses in the army?
No, but they had horses in the neigh-vy.

My balloon elephant wouldnt fit in the backseat of my car
so I had to pop it in the trunk.

I cant believe there are people out there wholl pay a doctor just to remove a band-aid.
What a rip-off!

After you die, what part of your body is the last to stop working?
your pupils. They dilate!

What do you call the life of the party at a zoo?
A party animal