What is the difference between a Vietnamese restaurant and an Indian restaurant ?
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What does it sound like when a vampire sneezes?
Nosfer-AACHOO!

What did the sushi say to the Bee?
Wasbi!

I saw an army of babies marching down the street.
It had to be the infantry.

How much does a pirate pay for 100 ears of corn?
$103.14. A buck an ear, plus the pi-rate tax!

What's the best mountain to go take a nap on?
Mount Ever-rest

How would you scare a bee!?
BOO-BEES!

The country with the largest number of parks in the world is Korea.
As a matter of fact, I'm good friends with five of them.

I stormed out of the diner when they said they were out of bread.
I am lack toast intolerant.

My dad got me into marionette school.
He had to pull a few strings.

I'm riding along in the car and told everyone "I'm easily the funniest person in my life"
Everyone laughed, proving my point.

Im reading a horror book in braille
Something bad is gonna happen, I can feel it

Before the town's locksmith died, he made me promise to take care of his dog.
I only had the dog in my home for half an hour when he made a bolt for the door.

What did the man from Puerto Rico say when he couldn't find his mobile?
"Where mofongo?"

It's probably just as well McDonald's never put a sirloin sandwich on the menu.
It would have been a McSteak.

Im thinking of starting a new company that matches people with sexy British desserts.
Im going to call it Only Flans.

What do you call a spy whos into BDSM?
James Bondage.

Did you guys hear about Gwenyth Paltrow's daughter playing football?
At one point she took the other team's ball. Talk about an Apple Turnover!

The clocks go back?
Yesterday the wife said "Don't forget the clocks need to go back tonight." Talk about no warning, I don't even know where the receipts are!

Why did someone name their dogs Timex and Rolex?
Because they were watchdogs.

Here's a fact about The Exorcist (1973) that I bet you didn't know.
It's a work of cruci-fiction.

I have a fear of driving under bridges with passengers in my car.
I have carpool tunnel syndrome.

My cat ate all the food in our house!
It looked like a real meowthful

Had a neck brace fitted years ago
Havent looked back since

There have been so many reports of screen problems that Apple is going back to the drawing board and redesigning the hinge. The newer version of this will be called...
the iPhone Duo-ver.