I hurt my back walking like an Egyptian.
Now I have to see a Cairo-practor.

I love my new hobby: archery...its great
but there are a lot of drawbacks

What do you calla teapot of boiling water on top of mount Everest?
A highpotinuse

Whenever Im lonely I always open Excel and go to the first line of the 1,514th column.
Its my Number 1 BFF.

I went to a smoke shop, only to discover it had been replaced by a clothing store.
Clothes, but no cigar.

I just discovered that Albert Einstein was a real person..
my whole life I've believed he was a theoretical physicist.

What did the pirate name his pet clam?
Me-Shell

The worlds worst impressionist walks into a bar...
The bartender says, Why the wrong face?

Never criticize someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize, you'll be a mile away, and you'll have their shoes.

wanna hear a rumour about butter?
nvm, i shouldnt spread it

Why do pastries make terrible friends?
Theyre always flaking out.

Did you hear about the new rideshare service for senior citizens?
Oldsmobile.

I used to work at a blanket factory until
It folded.

What do french fries do when they get together?
What do french fries do when they get together?

They ketchup.

What are Pentecostal Christians called in the 40 days leading up to Easter?
Lent rollers

What do you call a weird Scotsman?
Off Kilt-er

Why can't you starve in a Desert?
Because of all the sand which is there!

One thing that always makes me throw up
is a dartboard on a ceiling

I've got a chameleon who can't change colour
Apparently he's got a reptile dysfunction.

What did the tree do when the bank closed?
It started a new branch.

Did you know that Smashmouth wrote the national anthem?
Or at least that's what somebody once told me.

I signed up for a competitive eating contest, and I'm really nervous about it.
I think I bit off more than I can chew.

Which sweet treat swings around the cake shop all day?
Tarzipan

I was fired from the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

Walking home last night, I passed a slice of apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I said to myself, "The streets seem strangely desserted".