My friend claims that he scaled Mount Everest, but no one believes him.
I think he made it up.

My wife was like "why don't you treat me like you first treated me when we first started dating?"
So I took her to a dinner and a movie............then dropped her off at her parents.

Billy Bob walks into Bubba's barn and catches him doing a sexy striptease to a large red piece of machinery.
Billy Bob says "What the heck are ya doing Bubba?"

Bubba replies, "Well, Billy Bob, me an the wife haven't been gettin it on lately and that there therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."

I was asked to tell some jokes to the 7 noble gases...talk about a tough crowd, sheesh!
I couldn't get a reaction out of any of them!

My Dad Joke
I read in a book once, that smoking weed will make you unmotivated, unambitious, it slows your thought processes and lots of other negative things, so I told myself, never again and I haven't read a book since.

What do all Star Trek captains have in common?
They all have three ears. A left ear. A right ear. And a final frontier.

Ever read the book Ten Miles to the Outhouse?
Written by Willie Maykit

What does Jeff Bezos do just before going to bed?
He puts his pajAMAZON.

I'm currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city...
It's a Rome ants novel.

I invested in a business franchise to harvest sunflowers using vacuums.
I was assured this business always sucks seeds.

My wife is threatening to divorce me because I'm obsessed with Africa.
Kenya believe it?

I'd hate for her Togo and leave me...

What am I Guinea do now?

This is all so Sudan...

And we have kids, this is Ghana be hard for them

But you know what? She Congo to Hell.

Where do you cook cheese in India?
In this pan ere

Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.
But cases continue to rise.

I sat there thinking man this burger needs more mustard
But in Heinz sight, it really just needed more ketchup.

Happy National Cheeseburger Day!!!

Every time without fail, when I go on my morning jog, I get run over by the same bike in the exact same spot. This has been going on for months now.
It's a vicious cycle.

What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament?
Live stream.

What do you call an alien with 3 balls?
An extraterrestical

Why can't JD Vance can't get pregnant?
He has a pull out couch.

If you have ants in your house...
Make sure there are no more than 9 at a time. Anything over gives you tenants!

I walked into a computer hardware store and asked the assistant if he had any flash memory.
He said, "Yes, this one time a random woman showed me her breasts in the street."

My 5-year-old asked me why the sun goes down at night.
I told him its because the sun gets tired of watching him refuse to put his shoes on.
Hes been staring out the window for twenty minutes trying to apologize to the sky.

What did Brad Pitt say to the 7 chickens?
Whats in the bocks!?

What plant is named after a dog?
Collie Flower

What do you call a chubby psychic?
A four-chin teller

Why did the blind guy fall down a well?
He couldnt see that well