My son keeps trying to set the clocks back, but I won't let him.
Not on my watch.
Did you hear about one of Temus major warehouses burning down?
Estimated damages totaled just under $75.
How can you tell a chemist from a plumber?Ask them to pronounce 'unionized'.
(I love this joke, but I hate that there isn't a good way to tell it aloud.)
Who is in favour of bringing Roman numerals back into use?
I for one.
I was driving my date to her house and told her that I wasn't good with directions; she just laughed at me...
..So I right her left there.
The eraser felt that the pencil didnt like him much, and asked why.The pencil said, You are always correcting my words.
The eraser said, You have a point.
I don't like people that smear spicy condiments on my gloves
I mustard mitt
I haven't spoken to my wife in two weeks
It seems rude to interrupt her
During a job interview"Can you perform under pressure?".
"No but I can try bohemian rhapsody".
Whenever my kids says "I love you" I always respond with "I love you more"
because life is a competition and they need to know their father will always win.
At dinner, I asked my date to tell me a little about herself. She said, Well, believe it or not, Im a microbiologist.
I looked her straight in the eye and said, Nice try... you look like a normal-sized biologist to me.
Near the end of our dinner, my date said, Look, I need to be honest with you. Im expecting a baby.
I said, Im sorry, but I dont have any to give you.
My wife is extremely agitated. Each morning she finds one or two tiny garden weevils in our bathroom. "Can't figure out how the little buggars are getting in," she growled... I told her, "At least they're not of the two inch long 'palm' variety."... "Not helping," she fumed.
"Well, at least yours are definitely the lesser of two weevils."
What do you call an axolotl who tells damaging lies about you?
A slandermander.
What did the policeman say when he saw the zebra crossing?
"Why aren't you in the zoo?"
A bunch of triangles walk into a bar. Looking around with a sneer on their face one of the triangles says "I don't think I like this bar nothing but a bunch of squares in here".
The other triangle turns to them and says "stop being obtuse".
What extracurricular did the vice president do in middle school?
JV Dance
The doctor asked me if this was the firstborn.
No, I'm the dad.
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend!
My wife caught me touching myself to an optical illusion.
I said "Babe, it's not what it looks like!"
my wife
My wife is a real magician in the kitchen. When it's time to cook, she disappears.
Brainy joke: Why is it a "school" of fish but a "bloat" of hippos?
Because a school of hippos would be a hippocampus
My girlfriend often tells me "you don't tell me how much you love me"
I don't want to upset her
Canadian Joni Mitchell became a US citizen
She looks at life from both sides now
I know it can be a drag but Im thinking of adding a wing to my car
Spoiler alert!