I tried to come up with a carpentry pun, but it took me a long time to find one that woodwork.
I think I nailed it!

My lifelong dream was to have beautiful girls screaming my name
But to be honest, hearing "Dad!" all day is starting to get old.

If a one-L lama is a holy man, and a two-L llama is an animal, whats a three-L lllama?
Turns out, its a big fire in Boston.

What do you call a lycanthrope who sells reusable containers?
A Tupperwerewolf.

What do you call a robbery where the robbers left no stains or fingerprints?
Stainless steal

I have a major problem with Indian bread
My wife said it's a naan-issue, but I better curry up and figure it out.

My kid came up crying at the beach, holding his tiny sand bucket next to his older sisters huge one. Its not fair!! I looked at the two and said, Wow
Its pails in comparison.

Someone tried to tell me a joke about Michael Jackson songs
And I told them to Beat It.

People are like onions...
If you chop them up into tiny pieces, everyone nearby starts crying.

What did the snowman have for breakfast?
Ice Crispies.

I was at the airport and noticed the singer from Jane's Addiction out of the corner of my eye
I saw him with my Perry Farrell vision

My friend told me about his new invention: A thought controlled air freshener. I said, "I just don't see how you're gonna market that."
He said, "Well...it makes scents if you think about it."

What did Dracula tell the waiter?
I don't like stake.

Freddie Mercury was in the china shop
He dropped one plate and then another. He picked up a third.

Before he could throw it to the floor the shopkeeper asked him what he was doing.

'I want to break three.'

My gf is a doctor who is constantly being asked to come in to deal with cancer patients
She's in oncallogy

What's the Pope's favorite scent?
Pope-pourri

Why shouldnt you eat a clock?
Because its very time-consuming.

My last name's case and I always wanted a daughter
I have the list of names for my girl child and another name as "Justin" ... justincase if it's a boy.

My daughter woke me up at 11:00 PM last night. Daddy she whispered guess how old Ill be next month
I dont know I whispered. How old? She smiled and held up 4 fingers. Its 7:39 am now. My wife and I have been up with her all night. She still refuses to tell us where she got them.

Ive always been afraid of gardening.
Then I decided to grow a pear.

Air used to be free at the gas station. Now its $1.00. Want to know why?
Inflation

When I go to class, all the girls there stare at me for the whole lesson
Could it be because I'm the teacher?

A play on words
My wife asked if would stop pretending to be Napoleon Bonaparte. I said, "of course I can."

Dad do you mind if I put something on the tv?
Sure but I don't think the wall mount will support anything too heavy.

I play Nine Inch Nails at the construction site where I work
because there are a lot of industrial fans.