In England it's called a lift, but in America it's called an elevator.
I guess people are just raised differently.

Three things I love in life are:
Eating my family and skipping commas.

My father advised me to register for my donor card.
A man after my own heart

A coma in a sentence can make a huge difference. For instance,
Lets eat, Bob.

has a completely different meaning from

Bob is in a coma.

My wife: "You promised to stop with the Darth Vader quotes after we got married"
Me: "I am altering the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further."

Whats a World Cup players least favorite sweater?
A yellow cardigan.

I drove by the beach last night
I drove by the beach last night and noticed these ladies dancing in a circle wearing black robes around a fire pit chanting. One had a pig and another had a block of cheese. Thats when I realized they were ham and cheese sand witchs.

What you call an airline full of bald people?
Receding Airlines

A boy is getting ready to take his date to the prom.
First he goes to rent a tux, but theres a long tux line at the store and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and theres a huge flower line there. He waits a long time but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, theres a large limo line at the rental office, but hes patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and theres no punchline.

Why didn't Indiana Jones go into the strip club?
He could clearly see it was a booby trap!

I just quit cold turkey.
I dont mind. Warm turkey tastes way better anyways.

I told my buddy I keep all the money I make for myself, he said it was selfish
I said: I dont sell fish, I sell crack!

What do you call a Frenchman attacked by a cat?
Claude

Where did detectives hang out after work?
Discovery Zone

My cremation should go smoothly.
I'm already burned out.

What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?
Traffic Jam

What do you call cheese that isnt yours?
Nacho cheese

A lady takes a man back to her place after a date. When they enter the house, 2 ferocious dogs approach him growling.
Timex and Rolex be nice to the guest she demanded. The dogs stopped growling. The man chuckled and asked, why in the world did you name your dogs Timex and Rolex?

Because theyre my watch dogs of course!

The woman hated Barry Whites lyrics.
They were too bass.

A group of baby goats stopped Putins war plans.
He wouldve gotten away with it if wasnf for those meddling kids.

You know what they call it when you can't sleep so you get up and have a midnight snack?
Insom-nom-nom-nomia.

Why was the archaeologist so depressed?
His career was in ruins !

I need a joke for a punch line.
I thought of a punch line: It's a pain in the arsenic. But I can't think of a joke to go with it. I'm appealing to all dads and dad joke creators for your help. Thanks in advance.

What does Mr. Miyagi do when he gets home from a first date?
He wax off

A guy drowned while trying to swim across the river in London.
Thames are the breaks.