My neighbour named his dog '5 miles' so he could tell people he walked 5 miles every day.
Well today I ran over 5 miles...

Just had the best sex of my life, with a nun
Holy fuck!

They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles
Who the hell runs 8 miles in 2 minutes

Teacher: Can you make a sentence using the word initiate?
Student: My mom ate two hamburgers, initiate a bag of potato chips.

Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four theyd be chicken sedans

I was at a coffee shop in Italy, and asked the waiter what its called when they pour espresso over ice cream
He couldnt remember.

My wife said, Its impossible to get anywhere arguing with you because youre such a contrarian!
I said, Thats not true!!

What do you call a paper airplane that cant fly?
Stationary!

My wife thought it was sweet when I said "Nothing comes between U and I"
But I was just talking about my keyboard.

Worst solar eclipse ever.
One star.

Why doesn't Trump think the Epstein files are a big deal?
It's a minor problem.

a physicist froze himself at -273.15 C. everyone said he was crazy but..
he was 0K.

Not many people know this, but Shakespeare's Othello was an ordained minister who performed weddings.
Like I always say: The Moor, the marrier.

How do you make a water bed bouncier?
Use spring water

Honey... Why is there a strange baby in the crib?
Because you told me to change the baby...

Someone at work said the weather will be nice for the rest of the week
Another coworker said nice is relative.

I very sharply responded I think youll find, NIECE is relative.

And nobody laughed but me.

My bowels declared war this morning.
It ended in a wipe out.

A Target employee dropped a mannequin arm today and couldn't pick it up. Naturally, I stepped in
As I handed the detached limb back to her, I looked her dead in the eye and said, "Here, let me give you a hand."

Neither she nor my wife gave me even a smirk. I am officially seeking emotional support from Reddit.

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm?
He's all right now.

I know what turns your girlfriend on
The power button.

A bear walks into a bar.....
and says "let me get uhhhhh.."

"Uhmmm?"

"A beer"

Bartender says, "sure but what's with the big pause?"

Bear says, "I was born with them"

I opened a bakery in the basement.
Business is rising from the ground up.

I just made the funniest joke of my life and this guy I work with just stared at me like I was furniture
I was carrying a carton of eggs out of the store and somehow managed to drop the whole bag. Eggs everywhere. Absolute crime scene on the sidewalk.

Some random guy walks by, looks at the mess and goes, Damn, thats rough.

I just sighed and said, Yeah guess I really scrambled that one.

He blinked at me for a solid three seconds, said okay, and kept walking.

Ive been laughing about it alone in my car for the last two hours, but idk maybe it wasn't that funny or it was just him.

I knew a nun who would constantly pick at the threads of her clothes when she was nervous.
She's got a bad habit.

Why hasnt Bigfoot ever been spotted in Europe?
Europe only has Bigmeters