In England it's called a lift, but in America it's called an elevator.
I guess people are just raised differently.

I'm developing a game where you have to go back to assassinate Adam.
It's a first person shooter.

I asked my dad what a "sale" is
He explained the concept and then I said: "Thank you so much. It's means a great deal to me"

Daughter and I were getting cookies last night
Shes concentrating really hard on picking the perfect pair of cookies for hers at the kiosk

me: Hey, I mustache you a question

her: (without looking) thats terrible, you dont even have a mustache.

me: I mustache you to look again

me: (holding a mustache sticker up to my face)

her: (cracks up, despite her best efforts) How long have you been hiding that sticker

me: Id rather not say, itll shave me some embarrassment

her: ... ok. that was actually pretty good

How can you tell when a man is ready to be a dad?
If his girlfriend or wife says "I'm pregnant" and he says "Hi pregnant i'm dad"

Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but no lighter
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the entire boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

What pasta shape is forbidden from the broadway theater awards show?
Rigatoni.

What did Russell Crowe say when he found out about Armie Hammer being a cannibal?
What do I care? Im Gladiator

What do you call a flying nun?
​

A bird,

a plane,

Superman.???

.

.

.

.

.

Nope

You call her none of the above

Edit: Nun*

I met Jim Varney's proctologist.
Good guy. Did his job in Ernest.

Wheels for my car keep getting more expensive
And I'm tired of paying for it!

Im about to say something shocking.
Electricity

Whats worse than raining cats & dogs?
Hailing taxis

Ive been putting up posters for my neighbours missing dog.
In his cool new bedroom at my house.

Did you hear about the duck with the drug problem?
He was a quackhead.

Why should you never fight a dinosaur?
You'd get jurassic'd.

I sure hope I never wind up in debt to a dentist
I might wind up in dentured servitude!

What's a gym bro's favorite chicken wing flavor?
Buff-alo

Do you know why the shopping place is called the mall?
Because instead of going to one store, you can go to them all.

Why did the rooster refuse to fight?
He was chicken!

My car payments are withdrawn from my checking account every month
I set it up for auto pay.

Why did the lawyer install a scratching post?
So he can exercise his clause.

My daughter begged, Dad, pleeease say something to make me laugh. I said, Mashed potatoes. Mac and cheese. Green bean casserole. Potato salad. She tilted her head and said, Hows that supposed to be funny?
I said, Sorry Im really trying all jokes a side.

Why did the magazine company go out of business?
They had too many issues.

What were Michael Jackson's preferred pronouns?
He/He