A tub of margarine fell on my foot three weeks ago and it still hurts.
I cant believe its not better

My ex wife just texted me, "Wish you were here"
She does this everytime she passes by a cemetery

My wife gets angry when I eat cabbage while I bathe, but I just can't quit doing it.
I love showerkraut!

BREAKING: Russia has struck its own submarine with an underwater torpedo in the Atlantic Ocean, killing all 350 aboard
Whoops, wrong Sub!

Just when you think you've heard all the wordplay jokes already, I present you with this one
1

Hi, I'm a termite and my name is Clint.
Clint Eatswood.

This morning the guy next door came by and said, A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y. Hours later his wife shows up and goes, A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y. My wifes like, Who the hell are these people?!
I shrugged and said, Must be our no Z neighbors.

(Apologies to my international homies as Zed doesnt really land here)

I invented an air refreshener that is run by mind control.
It makes sense if you think about it.

A penguin takes his car for repair. While hes waiting he goes for an ice cream cone.
When he gets back, the mechanic says You blew a seal.

The penguin says Nah, thats just ice cream.

[barely nsfw, but just in case...]

What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
A genealogist looks up a family tree,

while

A gynecologist looks up a family bush.

I used to have a job making holes...
It was boring.

I recently found out that dad jokes have to use the letter D.
Otherwise, its just a joke.

Did you know there's a country in Africa that only uses electric cars?
Yeah, for some reason it's really mad at gas cars.

If New York is the city that never sleeps, what is the city that always sleeps?
Ta-coma

To whoever it is that stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my Word.

Why do birds fly south for the winter?
Too far to walk

I told Blackbeard he wouldn't be able to urinate anymore.
When he lost his pee he became irate.

Whats a British realtors favourite drink?
Proper Tea

I hear my snoring really scares people....
Especially while I'm driving.

When i was young, i thought rich people owned bose music systems and the rest of us had sony products...
turns out those were just stereotypes

As per today, i quit smoking for good!
Now i will just smoke for evil!!

Did you hear about the guys that tried to rob a Blood Bank?
Yeah, they were caught red-handed

why are honeycombs so quiet?
because they have silent "B"s

ducks for sale
me: do you have any ducks for sale?

pet shop: yes, but theyre going quick

me: ok ill take one

[later]

duck: quick

me: i see

Did you hear about the baker who attacked a customer with a bag of yeast?
He was arrested on charges of assault with a breadly weapon.