Why doesn't Istanbul have a king?
Because they... Can't stand a noble

I turned down a job that would pay me with vegetables.
The celery was unacceptable.

I dated this stunning girl once. She was a communist, originally from from China, but I met her while working in Switzerland. We lived in Dennark first then moved to Turkey and went on holiday in Canada. Then she cheated on me. I was devastated, but I really should have known better
There had been a lot of red flags

ONE spelling mistake can ruin your entire marriage.
I accidentally messaged my wife "I'm having a great time. I wish you were her

Germans must have short phone numbers
I asked this girl for her number and she told me "nine".

What do you call a kinky pasta?
A fetishini.

I went into the forest that makes you have multiple pronouns and accidentally touched some poison ivy.
Now Im it/she

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.

What do you call batman who skips church on sundays ?
Christian bale

How does Batman's mum call him in for dinner?
Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, Batman

My son was complaining about being cold so I told him to go stand in the corner. He asked why, so I told him
Its 90 degrees.

What do you get when you rub two oranges together?
Pulp friction

I called the local theater to ask what time Melania was playing.
They asked me what time i could get there.

What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing. It just waved.

What do you call a lizard that cant reproduce?
A reptile dysfunction.

A: is haggis nice?
B: its offal.

Did you know that New York and Minnesota are exact opposites of each other?
Because, New York is where the Big Apple is, and Minnesota is where Minneapolis.

Some guys were arguing next to my car. Me, Hey youre gonna have a problem if you touch my car. They both reached over and touched it.
I said, One side of a rectangle is 3 inches shorter than the other side. If we increase the length of each side by 1 inch, the area of the rectangle increases by 18 square inches. Find the lengths of all sides.

Youve heard of a Rolls Royce? Well, I drive a Rolls Canardly.
It rolls down one hill, and canardly get up the next!

I haven't spoken to my wife in years.
I thought it would be rude to interrupt her.

My kid said Jim Morrison is overrated,
So I sent him to his room. Nobody slams The Doors in my house. . .

Why did the meatballs tell the spaghetti to go to sleep?
It was pasta bedtime

My friends wife caught him cheating & then cut him in his inner thigh!
She was charged with a misde-wiener

I told my therapist that I caught my wife in bed with my best friend yesterday.
She asked "You bitter?"

I responded "Yeah... Then I bit him too."

What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships.