I found $20 in the parking lot and thought to myself What would Jesus do?
So I turned it into wine.

Who's the strongest Arab?
The protein sheikh.

I got cast in a film about a bakery. Its not a huge part.
Just a small roll

Did you hear about the person who died by viagra?
What a hard way to go

No, I will not loan you my concealed explosive devices.
They're mine.

You hear about the guy who was hospitalized for loosing his entire right side?
There's still plenty of him left.

I accidentally drank holy water with my laxative.
I'm about to start a religious movement.

Why doesn't James Bond fart in bed?
Cause it would blow his cover.

What do vampires eat for dessert?
Diabetics

Easter plans
Wife: So... what are your plans for Easter?
Husband: Same plan as Jesus.
Wife: Uh... what does that mean?
Husband: I disappear on Friday... and show back up on Monday.
Wife: Wow, that's AWESOME. If you do that, l'll do what Mary did.
Husband: Wait... what do you mean?
Wife: I'Il show up pregnant... untouched by my husband.
Husband: ...
Narrator:
And that's how the husband ended up staying home all Easter.

I can't take my dog to the park anymore cause the duck's keep biting him.
I should've known it was bound to happen. He's pure bread.

Everyone laughed at me when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well
Well theyre not laughing now

IT Dad jokes
Whats your best IT Dads joke or meme?

Ive been training my pet parrot to do pushups.
I want him to have strong pecks.

There are more airplanes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky.
That's plane to sea.

"Dad, why are those ants carrying signs and chanting slogans?"
"Son, those are Protest ants."

I had to delete the U2 GPS app off my phone...
The streets had no name plus I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

What's the lowest ranking name on a tier list?
F rank

My wife got a new Bible and asked where she should start
I said,

In The beginning

I told my wife I had an affair with a camelid.
She wasnt happy. I guess alpaca my stuff and leave.

I told my wife that adopting a duo of young cats was Dickensian.
It was a Tale of Two Kitties.

Spies.
Why are spies careful not to fart in bed?

Because they might blow their cover.

Did you hear about the witch with inflammatory bowel problems?
Crones disease

When I was 11 years old, I dropped and broke my mom's favorite mirror. I left it where it was because I didn't want her mad at me.
A few hours later, I came back and it was in perfect condition. It was a mirror-cle.