A man walks into a bar with his dog and asks for a drink, but the bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here!"
The guy, without missing a beat, says. "This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bartender says, "I'm sorry! Here, the first one's on me."

The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua.

The first guys sees him, stops him and says, "You can't bring dogs in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog."

The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar.

When he asks for a drink, the bartender says, "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The man replies, "This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. Chihuahuas aren't seeing-eye dogs."

The man pauses and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

A neurologist was diagnosing a man who had lost the ability to do basic math. "What's 9 plus 9?" "12". "What's 8 and 8?" "10". The doctor shook his head. "Very interesting. What about 6 times 5?" The man thought for a second and answered "1E".
"Aha, I've figured it out!" The doctor said. "Somebody's clearly put a hex on you."

My vegan friend told me "that chicken you're eating had a family!"
I said "that's why I ordered the family bucket - nobody gets left behind."

In Star Wars Chewbacca is called chewy; Jabba the Hut is called Jabba. What is Luke Skywalker short for?
A stormtrooper

Religion is so self contradicting.
Thank God I'm an atheist.

My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape.
That would be a big step forward.

Why did the little boy throw the clock out the window?
He was a jerk

I got gas yesterday for 99 cents
Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.

Why cant two elephants swim at the same time?
They only have one pair of trunks.

I went to the doctor and told the nurse I got bit by a wolf.
She said, "where?"

I said, "no, regular."

I saw my wife staring into the fridge looking frustrated and asked what was wrong. She said, Im trying not to have a meltdown because I wanted to make omelettes, but we dont even have the ingredients.
I said, Just breathe, babe. Youre having an eggs-essential crisis.

Back in the '80s, punctuation and lizards were very important.
Comma, comma, comma, comma, chameleon...

A husband and wife get into an argument.
The wife gives him the silent treatment for three days.

On the fourth day, the husband says,

Hey are you still not talking to me?

The wife finally replies, Yes.

The husband smiles and says,

Great! I thought I went deaf.

How far can a dog run into the forest?
Half way through. After that it will be running out of the forest.

Whats the difference between a horse and a pony?
About half a gallon of high quality glue

Q. What's the difference between a ginger and a tennis shoe?
A. The tennis shoe has a sole.

What do you call a guy that can duck from a punch?
Bob

What did the hashbrown say to the slice of bread.
I made be fried but you are toast

Man walks into a bakers
He sees a dessert and asks the baker: Is this a cake or a meringue?

Baker replies: aye its a cake right enough

Why are frogs never stressed out?
They eat what bugs them

Why was the young knight so accident-prone?
Because he was a little cavalier with his sword.

My girlfriend is like the square root of -100.
A solid 10, but also imaginary.

My daughter came downstairs to ask...
Her: "Mom wants to know about dinner. How does Chinese sound?"

Me: "Wnfn ch shnme?"

My wife is furious with me because she found a bunch of hidden letters that revealed I was cheating on her.
Now she refuses to play Scrabble at all.