Conversations at the tavernA tired young doctor got off a night shift at the hospital and stopped into a bar called "Dick's" across the street for a drink.
"Hey what can I get you?" asked Dick.
"How about a daiquiri?"
The bartender makes a drink and slides it down the bar.
He takes a sip and loves it. "Whoa that's great. What's your secret?"
"A little bit of almond extract. Gives it a little something extra." The two hit it off and a lifelong friendship develops.
One night the doctor enters and like clockwork the bartender goes to make his favorite drink only to realize that all the almond extract is gone. Thinking on his feet he substitutes it with a little hickory on hand.
The doctor takes a sip. A little confused, he takes another...
"Is this an almond daiquiri, Dick?"
"No, it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."
My wife and I discussed and jointly agreed that we don't want children.
We're telling them tonight !
Late one night, a guy is speeding down an empty road. A cop sees him fly past, gives chase, and pulls him over.
The cop walks up and asks, Sir, are you aware of how fast you were going?
Yes, the man says. I was trying to escape a robbery I was involved in.
The cop raises an eyebrow. Were you the one being robbed?
Oh no, the man replies casually. I committed the robbery. I was escaping.
Now the cop is stunned. So youre telling me you were speeding and you committed a robbery?
Yes, the man says calmly. All the loot is in the trunk.
The cop reaches for the keys. Sir, youre coming with me.
Dont do that! the man shouts. Im afraid that youll find the loaded gun in my glove compartment!
The cop jerks his hand back, retreats to his cruiser, and calls for backup.
Within minutes, police cars surround the area, helicopters hover overhead. The man is dragged out, handcuffed, and marched toward a squad car.
Just before they put him in, another officer says, pointing to the original cop, Sir, this officer says you committed a robbery, had stolen loot in your trunk, and a loaded gun in your glove compartment. But we didnt find any of that.
The man sighs and says, Yeah, and I bet that liar told you I was speeding too!
A mushroom tries to walk into a night club, but the bouncers wouldnt let him in.
The mushroom says, Why not? Im a fungi!
How do non binary people kill?
They slash them
I gave my girlfriend a expensive bracelet, and she spit into my face
Well it could be worse, she could have slapped me if she had any arms
I went to a hotel to ask for a room and the lady at the counter told me that all the rooms were full.I told her my name was "Improvement".
And there's always a room for improvement.
My autobiography has yet to sell a single copy.
Story of my life.
When I went to get my flu vaccine, I asked the receptionist if the doctor would let me have it with the lights off since Im terrified of needles.
She said, Ill ask if he will, but its a shot in the dark.
At our annual family picnic I told my son, Im too old and slow to keep the flies away from the food. From now on, its your job.
Hes got some big shoos to fill.
I was once kidnapped by mimes
They did unspeakable things to me
My friend died while he was addicted to skiing
He went downhill really fast
They tried to knight Cher. It didnt go well.
She melted down. Turns out it was a bad idea to try to make Cher noble.
My son said he was going to a 50 cent concert.
I gave him a dollar and told him to take Mom.
Why did Bad Bunny wear a hat?
He had a bad hare day
I went out with a grammar teacher last night. I mentioned my colon, she talked about her period.
Thats about all we had in comma.
Why is it easier to weigh a fish than a cat?
Because fish come with their own scales.
What do you call your best friend from Czechoslovakia?
Czech mate.
Why can't basketball players go on vacation
they are not allowed to travel
I applied for a job preparing sandwiches.
But unfortunately the Roll had been filled.
On one hand I broke a finger today.
On the other hand, Im fine.
My father worked 12 hours a day to put food on the table.
Great dad. Slow cook.
What did the optimistic little French piggy do?
He went Oui Oui Oui all the way home..
My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back?
Doctor, I think I have ADHD. I can never remember where I parked my Ford.Doctor: Thats not how ADHD works.
Man: But I keep losing my Focus.