After stealing all the punctuation marks off the judge's keyboard...
I'm expecting a long sentence

An apple pie in the U.S. Virgin Islands is $8. A cherry pie in Jamaica is $6. A peach pie in Barbados is $4.50.
Just thought youd like to know the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.

Why did Mr Ohm marry Mrs Ohm?
Because he couldn't resistor.

Mrs. Smartt was fumbling in her purse for her offering when a large television remote fell out and clattered into the aisle.
The usher bent over to retrieve it for her and whispered, Do you always carry your TV remote to church?

No, she replied, but my husband refused to come with me this morning, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally and without any bloodshed.

I always go to the beach to workout
I get plenty of mussels this way

My son just told me the school security guard got fired and the new one has only one arm. He asked, "How will he be able to break up fights with only one arm?
" I replied, "Single-handedly."

What did 50 Cent do when he got hungry?
58

Why are drug addicts morning people?
They love the crack of dawn!

Why is it called "the Dark Ages" ...
...and not "Knight time"?

What do you call friends you like to eat with?
Taste Buds!

What did the Starbucks guy say when his break was over?
Wellback to the grind

Waterpark addiction is no joke.
Its a very slippery slope.

How does the daddy electron watch his baby electron?
By keeping an ion him.

Why is it impossible to play hide and seek with a Pokmon?
They always Pikachu.

People always doubt their own thoughts.
Or do they?

I just checked my home owners insurance and it turns out if my blanket is stolen in the middle of the night.....
I won't be covered.

Time flies like an arrow
Fruit flies like a banana

What do you call a Japanese deep fried mattress?
Tempura Pedic

What did the mathematician say to the equation?
Calc-u-later!

What did they sing when it was King Ramses birthday?
For hes a jolly good Pharaoh

Potatoes have best friends growing up.
They make for good buds.

What do you get when you cross broccoli and a melon?
you get the most depressing vegetable known to humanity: Melonccoli

What do you call the type of sound made by the offspring of Wildebeest?
Gnu kids on the block

I drew Mark Hamill on my wife's forehead.
You should've seen the Luke on her face.

Two paramedics rush to the residence of MJ but he has already died.One medic says to the other, what shall we do now?
He replies I don't know about you but I'm going on the Ferris wheel.