I asked my wife is she wanted to go out to dinner tomorrow and she said yes.
I'm pretty excited to have the apartment to myself for the evening

I heard Celine Dion will be removing all the consonants from her name.
It's a gesture in support of declining farmland in her native Quebec, Canada.

[Wait for it.]

I lost 150 pounds in 30 seconds
It's not weight loss, I got pick-pocketed in england

Back in my day, you used to be able to get air for free at the gas station, but now it's $1.
That's inflation for you.

If you are a big soccer fan no way you would pass on it. A surgeon I work for has 2 VIP tickets to 2026 FIFA World Cup at MetLife Stadium in East Rutherford, New Jersey on July 19, includes a ride to and from the airport, VIP box seats and a pass to the winners locker room after the game.
What he didn't realize when he bought them in January was that it's on the same day as his wedding.
If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.

It's at St. Paul's Church at 3 p.m.
Her name is Ashley. She's 5'4", about 115 pounds, a good cook, loves to fish and hunt and will clean your truck.

She'll be the one in the white dress.

How did the hamburger introduce his girlfriend to his parents?
Meat Patty.

My wife asked where I was taking her for Mother's Day...
Apparently "from behind" was the wrong answer.

Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on earth?
Its pasteurize before you even see it.

Why did the fork refuse to fight the spoon?
Because it didn't want to stir up trouble!

My uncle wasn't just a locksmith. He was also a great mentor.
He opened a lot of doors for people

I dont mind going to work
It is waiting 8 hours to go home that sucks

My GF didnt like her dessert at the restaurant
She said it was very off putting

The model prisoner
Several years ago, Jim was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all the other inmates.

The warden believed that, deep down, Jim was a decent man. So he arranged for Jim to learn a trade while serving his time.

After about three years, Jim had become one of the best carpenters in the whole county.

Sometimes he was even given a weekend pass to do small jobs for folks around town, and he always returned to the prison by Sunday evening.

Jim was the definition of a model inmate.

One day, the warden decided he wanted to remodel his kitchen, but he didnt have the skills to build new cabinets and a large countertop.

So he called Jim into his office and asked if he could take on the job.

To the wardens surprise, Jim immediately refused.

But youre an expert, Jim, and I really could use your help, said the warden.

Gee, Warden, Id sure love to help you

but counter fitting is what got me in here in the first place.

Why do most people get married in the summer?
Because the bride comes before the fall!

I admit it, I have a small butt.
It's a real assette.

What do you call a naked, 410 mother?
A bare minimum

What should you say if you accidentally fart during confession?
"Forgive me, father, for I have wind."

I had a plan involving bombs.
But it blew up in my face.

What do you get when you cross goat dna with human dna?
Kicked out of the zoo

What do fish get stressed out about?
Current events

What do you call a library on a ship?
A biblio-decka.

Do you like seafood?
Yes! I like to taste it too.

My wife told me I drink too much, so I promised her I wouldnt drink anymore..
I never said Id drink any less.

What do you call a police officer that does the chalk lines at crime scenes?
Tracey.

Why are hallways in psychiatric hospitals called "hallways?"
Shouldn't they be called "psycho paths?"