I survived a fall without a parachute...
I've also survived a winter, spring and summer without one, too.

Why was the broom late for school on Monday?
He over-swept

Tech tip: Its dangerous to download Come Sail Away or Satisfaction. Turn, Turn, Turn is perfectly fine however
Styx and Stones may break your phones, but the Byrds will never hurt you.

Last night I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.. she replied a divorce
I wasn't planning on spending that much..

Our computers went down at the office today, so we had to do everything manually.
It took me fifteen minutes to shuffle the cards for Solitaire.

A French woman bet me I couldn't make two bilingual egg puns.
So I asked her if one would be an oeuf. She said no, and demanded two. So I told her, "that's a crocque, madame".

Which insect is the opposite of a stink bug?
Deodor ant

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?
He won the no-bell prize.

I come from a family of failed magicians...
I have two half sisters

I didn't tip the waitress because of terrible service. She threw a pack of condiments towards me!
I told her I'd be suing her for a salt.

Whats the difference between the USA and yogurt?
If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it will develop a culture.

Whoever put the s in fast-food
is a marketing genius.

Arnold Schwarzenegger cant stand Christmas, too many presents. Thanksgiving is no better, hes allergic to turkey. Halloween too many people dress up like him. Valentines day too much pressure. But today he gets his chocolate egg and hes happy
Have to love Easter, baby

After you die, the last part of your body to stop working are your pupils because...
...they dilate!

The US pilot shared how he evaded capture after his plane was shot down.
He said: Iran

A shark can swim faster then a human. A human can run faster then a shark
so in a triathlon it all comes down to hows the better cyclist.

Dad Joke (topical)
"Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?"

"Because it's an anagram of Easter and your mum loves Easter.

"Thanks dad"

"No problem Alan"

I heard Charles Dickens' "A Tale of Two Cities" was first serialized in a local newspaper.
It was the Bicester Times,

it was the Worcester Times.

George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey get together to make a movie
Clooney says, "I'll direct."

DiCaprio says, "I'll act."

McConaughey says, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide

What part of a mathematician will you never be able to kick?
His asymptote.

My daughter asked if i've seen the dog bowl
I said, "i didn't even know he could"

My wife took the new car out for a drive
When she returned, she said I have good news and bad news

I said, whats the good news?

She said, well, the airbags on the new car work.

There were two wolves howling to the moon, when the first wolf realizes they already had done that earlier that day.
They just had a dejawooo

Don't mess with people who wear glasses
They might have contacts