Now that Lake Ontario has been renamed Lake America there's a new acronym to remember the great lakes..
instead of HOMES the new acronym is SHAME

I did it.
I may have achieved the perfect dad joke in real time.

I was sitting on a panel during a presentation in front of dozens of people. One of the other presenters was talking, and Id lost the thread for a few seconds when suddenly my brain tuned back in:
and were partnering with the Norwegian, Swedish, and Finnish navies.

My brain: The Scandinavian navies.

Oh.

OH.

My mouth before my brain realized it was moving: Did you know their ships all have barcodes on the sides?

Presenter, completely sincerely: No, I didnt know that.

Me: Yeah! Its so they can Scan Da Navy In.

I was met by silence.
Not groaning. Not laughter.

About EIGHT FULL SECONDS of silence.

Then, from another presenter (a friend of mine) sitting elsewhere on the panel:
OH MY GOD, YOURE SUCH A DORK!

Then the audience began to realize what theyd just witnessed.

I asked her about it again today because I couldnt remember exactly what shed called me. She couldnt remember either.

What she DID remember was why it took her eight seconds to react: she was genuinely flabbergasted that the setup had appeared organically in a real professional presentation, that Id recognized it instantly, and that shed actually watched the whole atrocity happen spontaneously in real time.

She told me that it is the single best real-time dad joke she has ever witnessed in her life.

I have never been prouder of any other dad joke - and there have been MANY.

The bar has been set. Now I know what I have to aspire to.

With Trump renaming all these geographic features, next up he's going to rename the San Andreas Fault...
... to "Biden's Fault"

A naval story
A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

Dear Captain,
Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball.
I would like you to send three well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance.
They should arrive promptly
at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation.
They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies.
One last point:
No Jews, please.

In a written message, the captain replied:
'Madam, thank you for your invitation.

In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending three of my best and most prized officers.

One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design.

The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern university in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering.

His Masters Degree and PhD In Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate.

Finally, the third officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and medical degree from the University of North Carolina.
We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda .

Upon reading the letter the woman was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure.
Her daughter would be escorted by three handsome naval officers (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).

At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform three very handsome, smiling black officers.

Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, 'There must be some mistake.'

'No, Madam,' said the first officer, 'Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes.'

A woman locked her keys in her car
A woman is extremely upset because she locked her keys inside her car. A passing soldier stops and assures her he can help. She watches him as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball, and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens! Amazed she asks him how he did it... "Easy" he says, "These are my khakis."

A Calligrapher goes to heaven
A calligrapher died peacefully in his sleep.
He soon woke up in paradise and spent the next few days exploring. Heaven was exactly as he imaginedpristine rolling hills, golden castles upon cloud tops, reunions with lost loved ones, and endless opportunities to explore one's hobbies.
He had access to the finest selection of inks and paper, so he continued to hone his craft even in death.

The calligrapher would rotate his time between practicing his calligraphy and exploring what more Heaven had to offer. At some point, however, he noticed something: no matter where he went, no matter what activity he engaged in, he saw no angels. It was strange, he thought, that everything else he was told about Heaven ended up being true, but angels were such a strong point of emphasis in the scripture! He asked around, and no other resident had seen any angels either.

How could every other aspect of Heaven be real, but not the entities that were supposed to chaperone it? As he pondered, he suddenly heard a knock on the door.

"Who is it?" he asked, somewhat annoyed.

"It is I, God!" said He on the other side.

The calligrapher hurriedly opened the door. "Oh my... You! I'm so sorry! I didn't know."

"It is all right, my son," God said. "I am only here to check on you. I like to meet with all of our new residents after they've settled in!"

"It's an honor, truly!" said the calligrapher. "I'm a huge fan of Your work."

God gave a hearty laugh. "And I, yours! I'm always impressed by the craftsmanship of all My children. You know, they say that when an artist gets entrenched in craft, it is as though they are experiencing a slice of Heaven in that moment."

The man thought for a second. "You know, I'd be inclined to agree!"

"So, I suppose the inverse is true, is it not?" said God. "Doesn't Heaven remind you of the most beautiful scripts you can imagine?"

He hesitated to respond. "I'm not sure about that..."

God looked surprised. "What is wrong, my child?" He asked.

The calligrapher sighed. "Well, Heaven is great and all, but it's sans seraph."

I feel like an imposter, I make a bunch of dad jokes but I'm not a father.
I'm a faux pa

Whats the difference between a baby joke and a fetus joke?
The delivery.

The Earth is flat!
It is mostly covered in non carbonated water.

Now that an executive order has been signed to make Lake Ontario Lake America
Does that make Canadian Geese Donald Ducks?

What did the sushi roll say to the bumble bee?
WASABI

Why was the clock on the ground?
It was down time

What did Sean Connery say after he built his bookshelf wrong?
Im ashamed of my shelf.

You know why the barber won the race?
Cause they knew a shortcut.

I was the first woman to burn my bra.
It took four days for the fire department to put it out.

-- Dolly Parton

I was kidnapped by mimes last week.
They did unspeakable things to me.

Anyone remember the chiropractor joke I put on here?
It was about a week back?

3 golf clubs walk into a bar.
The Putter orders a beer, the Wedge orders a whisky.

The Bartender asks the 3rd one if he wants anything.

He replies, "No thanks, I'm the Driver,"

What do you call a donkey going down a slide?
Whee-yore

There are no canaries in the Canary Islands. Same with the Virgin Islands
There are no canaries there either

When I was young and stoned. (accidental dad joke)
When I was young and stoned. a few friends of mine and I went out to get some munchies. in the store I picked up a bag of Cheetos and went to go check out. I am about to pay and this poor cashier asked me "would you like these in bag?" I looked her, then I looked at the chips, looked at her again. I and then I thought (out loud) for everyone to hear "BuT ThEy ArE aLrEaDy In A baG!" In that moment and for a good 5 seconds every one just stopped and just stared at me. after that pause that seemed to have lasted forever my dumb butt just realized what happened so then I just sheepishly said "did I say that out loud. I'm sorry I was all up in my brain matter. no bag please" since then over the last 15 years my friends have never let that go.

My friend told me he was to scared to grow an Apple Tree
So I told him to grow a pear.

I said hi in the kitchen but no one replied.
But micro waved

Penguins.
Dead Penguins I Never Knew This!
Have you ever wondered why you dont see dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Where do they all go?
Wonder no more! Its well-known that penguins are very ritualistic birds and live highly ordered, complex lives. They are deeply committed to their families, mate for life, and maintain affectionate bonds with their offspring throughout their lives.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice, family and members of its social circle have been known to dig a hole in the ice using only their beaks and vestigial wings. They carefully roll the departed into the hole and bury it.
Then, the male penguins gather around the icy grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow"
"Freeze a jolly good fellow"
You didnt really believe I knew anything about penguins, did you?