[NSFW] I asked my wife how come she never...
let's me know when you orgasm.

she replied "You told me never to call you at work"

Grand Dad in front of the TV with his beer: Starting a war while defending peace is kind of an oxymoron.
Then, immediately after that, a certain political figure begins to speak.

Grand Dad : "And here comes the regular moron !"

We exchanged a quick glance in silence, I nodded, and went to get him another beer.

A programmers wife tells him, "Go to the store and get a loaf of bread." "If they have eggs, get a dozen."
He returns with twelve loaves of bread.

She asks why, and he says, "Because they had eggs."

What do you call a twelve-inch poop?
A footstool.

I would like to be frank with all of you..
But then I'd have to change my name.

My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.
"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.

I once dated a cross eyed girl
It didnt work out, we didnt see eye to eye. I also think she was seeing someone on the side.

Try not to spell part backward.
Its a trap!

Another one from the dad joke calendar I didnt see posted here yet.

I was going to tell an apathy joke,
but who cares?

Dad -- Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.
Daughter -- What's that got to do with anything?

Dad -- That means it's pasture bed time.

Why didnt the Mortal Kombat fighter buy anything from the store?
He was just Liu Kang

Whats the worst part about taking an ancient history course?
The professors tend to Babylon.

If two US immigration agents get a baby...
... is it then an Ice Ice Baby?

The Chinese man who invented the camera lens has passed away.
Rest in peace, Zoo Min.

I survived a fall without a parachute...
I've also survived a winter, spring and summer without one, too.

Some actors perform best when they're cast in horror movies.
Jack Nicholson is a Shining example.

Every day, I ask my wife if she would like me to go get the mail.
Every time she replies, "No, I need the exercise."

Then today she asked me to go get the mail and the one time I say, "No, you need the exercise," and suddenly I'm the bad guy.

A Trump and a human can reproduce
but the offspring is Barron.

I was ordered to polish a giant Elton John statue a week ago
Im still sanding!

Hey Alexa, why am I so bad with women?
"I'm Siri you idiot."

What do you call the Australian Prime Minister when he has the flu ?
Anthony Albasneezy.

I lost everything playing poker against a tiger
Turned out he was a cheetah

My IQ test came back..
It was negative

What do you say when someone is bothering you at a costume party?
Disguise really annoying!