My inflatable house got a puncture last night.
Now I'm living in a flat.

Why is Billy Joel's laundry so wet?
He didn't start the dryer.

What do you call a beehive without an exit?
Unbelievable.

Why don't the French eat two eggs for breakfast?
Because one egg is un oeuf.

I would love to visit Norway.
But I cant a fjord it.

My wife said she was going to leave me if i didnt quit singing Phil Collins lyrics, but i reminded her that she told me it was ok to sing them. She asked I did?. I said, yeah
Do you remember?

I Love Telling Dad Jokes
He always laughs.

Longer one... happened an hour ago.
Very very old joke.

Went to pick up some new glasses, had my adult son with me.

We got talking about the thinness of the glass, and how it's hi-index glass, bit more expensive than other glass.

Driving Home

Me: yep its high index expensive glass. Really thin.

Him: oh yeah that's cool. (Not really paying attention)

Me: its so much better than the cheap German sausage glass.

Him: cheap German sausage glass ?

Me: yep, thats the wurst!

He looked at me like what ????? And then it clicked

Him : I can't believe you just said that

A factory worker died after falling into a vat of coffee.
Paramedics said he didn't suffer - it was instant.

I usually dont get angry when my wife pulls pranks on me. Except for the time she got me to eat clay...
I nearly shit a brick.

I worked for an optometrist but he fired me.
He said we didnt see eye to eye.

My father was thrown in jail for pushing a banana into a cops face....
it seems

A peel to authority is a weak argument.

I failed my urine test...
...the doctor said I had a piss poor attitude.

What did scissors say to rock?
Beats me.

Heard about the guy who lost his middle finger?
He gives no fucks.

Paddy was coming back from his holiday in America.
As he came through Customs, he had two sacks over his shoulder.

The Customs officer asked him what he had in the sacks? Paddy replied Mobile phones.

The customs officer didn't believe him and asked to be shown. Paddy opened each sack and sure enough both sacks contained quite a few phones. "What are you going to do with all these mobile phones asked the officer?

"Oh, they are not for me. My mate Mick, who is in a band, knew I was going over to America asked me to bring him back Two saxophones.

I have a mania for buying and storing Swedish goods in my house.
My therapist says I suffer from Stockholm syndrome.

You know who really cared about making sure you got the Calvary vs cavalry distinction right?
Jesus Christ. It was a hill he was willing to die on.

What starts with W and ends with T
No, really. It does!

Why should you always have an extra pair of socks with you, when you go golfing?
In case you get a hole in one.

Two cats had a swimming race. The first cat was called "One, two three," and the other was called "un deux trois." Which cat won the race?
"One two three" won. Unfortunately, the un deux trois cat sank.

My wife asked me to put the cat out.
I didn't even know it was on fire.

What type of pants do ghost hunters wear?
Just a paranormal jeans

My dad told me that if I did what I loved, I would never work a day in my life.
So i thanked him and just play video games in his basement all day every day.

Did you hear about that famous cattle farmer?
The guy is legend dairy.