To everyone who said I'd never become a journalist:
I've got news for you.

I was staying at this hotel in Madrid and I got sick
I called the reception to say I was sick and they said that they had a doctor on staff that could help me.

The doctor came up to my room and gave me a few pills.

Im surprised that the place had a doctor on staff, I said.

Yeah. Nobody expects the Spanish inn physician.

What does a tree do when its bored?
It branches out

What do you call two male FBI agents having dinner together?
A Government Man-date

What is the most common type of doctor in Egypt
A Cairo-practor

At dinner my date complained, Naps? Sleeping in? Taking breaks? How are these actual hobbies?? Your profile said you were interesting!
I calmly leaned in to clarify. Resting. Im into resting.

I ate a clock yesterday
I ate a clock yesterday. I was so hungry I went back four seconds

[Warning 18+]
19

Ive had my recliner for a long time.
We go way back.

A little girl was talking with her teacher about whales.
The teacher explained that it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because, although whales are very large mammals, their throats are relatively small.

The little girl replied,

But Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Slightly irritated, the teacher repeated,

No, that's impossible. A whale simply could not swallow a human being.

The little girl thought for a moment and then said,

When I get to heaven, I'll ask Jonah.

The teacher smiled and replied, And what if Jonah went to hell?

Without missing a beat, the little girl answered,
Then you can ask him.

Why do people in here get tired of seeing reposted jokes?
Just because you've reddit doesn't mean everyone else has!

What happens when a witch flies faster than the speed of sound?
It causes a sonic broom.

Why does Darth Vader wear black robes like a nun?
Force of habit.

One day, my dad was in the bathroom for a long time (true story from 60 years ago)
He took so long that my mother got worried. She said "Martin, are you OK?"

When he emerged, my dad said, "Well, it was a struggle there for a while, but everything came out all right in the end."

A woman is preparing a dinner for her parents and sends her husband out to buy some fresh snails.
The husband buys the snails then pops into the pub for a quick drink.

One thing leads to another and he stays for a few rounds, so many in fact, that by the time he leaves it's 9 in the evening.

Realizing he's extremely late the husband runs home, pours the snails over the path leading to his house, then he rings the bell.

His furious wife opens the door. 'Where the hell have you been?' she screams.

The husband waves back to the snails, 'Come on, lads!' he shouts 'We're almost there!'

What do you call a dinosaur that's read Wuthering Heights?
A Brontsaurus.

I'll get my coat.

Why did Old MacDonald visit a gastroenterologist?
He was having irregular vowel movements: E-I-E-I-O.

Just been prescribed some anti-gloating cream.
I can't wait to rub it in.

Why to Minnesotans order their whiskey neat?
No ICE

I forgot to hire an editor for my puzzle book
It was riddled with errors.

I was gonna tell all of you a joke about mixing Helium with other elements, but then I decided not to . . .
I knew I wouldnt get a reaction

You know why you never hear any jokes about vacuum cleaners?
Because they all suck.

You can't just decide if you want to be a wheat farmer
You have to be bread for it

Do you remember blowing bubbles as a kid?
I ran into him the other day, he still talks about it.

I was so sick of the preacher haranguing me from the podium that I took his lectern.
It was time to take a stand.