Some idiot threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me!!!!!
Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil.
A man walks into a library and says to the librarianDo you have that book for men with small penises?
The librarian looks on her computer and says, I dont know if its in yet.
The man replies, Yeah, thats the one!
With regret we announce that the CEO of Ricola Swiss Lozenges has passed away.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
I found the worlds oldest stick of chewing gum.
Miraculously, its still in mint condition.
When I was a kid, my parents had a cat named Butter because of his color...When he passed away years later, they were heartbroken. So I got them another cat that looked exactly the same and they named him...
I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!
My wife has a new T-shirt with pictures of carrots, apples and bananas. Call me crazy, but I think its sexy.
She looks so good in a crop top.
My doc said I am going deaf
That was hard for me to hear
A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: what is your blood type?
The rabbit says, I think I might be a type 0.
Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of their boats?
Because if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat.
I thought the Seahawks quarterback was good
But hes just too darn old
My wife asked me to clear the table.
I took a running start and barely made it over, but shes still mad.
My wife left her bra on the floor, and I tripped on it
it was a booby trap.
My father invented the cold air balloon....
It never took off.
What do swingers do after school?Extra Caligula activities.
I think its an original but I refuse to Google and be disappointed.
What do you call a chair playing an instrument?
A rocking chair!
I think I remembered a really good joke to make about the Michigan/Western Michigan game.
Just give me a second.
Why do seafaring thieves charge $3.14, 3.14, or 3,14 for their booty?
Because they are pi rates.
What is Frankenstein's favorite cheese?
Meunster
A man walks into a library and says to the librarian..."Where are your books on paranoia?"
The librarian leans close and whispers, "They're right behind you."
My wife said she wanted to watch a film without me.
"That's any film then," I replied, "since I'm not an actor."
What does a wizard do when its sunny?
He casts a shadow
What did the Human Torch tell his wife with their boy burned the house down?
That's our son! (pronounced "arson")
Wife: No, cardigan and sweater are not the same thing...a cardigan is a sweater, but not necessarily the reverse.
Husband: "Now you're just knit picking..."
What's the best kind of candy to tell a joke to?
Snickers
Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the worlds largest bedsheet.
More on this story as it unfolds.