77% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 33% of intelligent people.

Dad, can you explain how a solar eclipse works?
No son

This
A dad joke I like to play on my wife and kids, I will write the word "this" on something and then call them from the other room to come have a look at this, or ask if they've seen this?

The looks of pure derision and the eye roll I get is worth it every time.

What does LGBTQIA+ stands for?
There's no straight answer

Breaking News: Dallas Cowboys
Dallas Cowboys practice was delayed two hours today after a player found an unknown white powdery substance on the field. Jerry Jones immediately suspended practice and called the police. After analysis, experts confirmed it was the goal line. Practice resumed once officials decided the Cowboys were unlikely to see it again this season.

on his deathbed, a bald man made his kids promise to replant any trees cut down in the nearby forest...
My hair is gone for good," he whispered, "but we must protect the trees so the forest never ends up as bare as my head."

His children kept the promise, and for centuries, generations of his family replanted every tree that fell, keeping the forest lush and green.

All thanks to one man and his re-seeding heirline.

What's brown, and rhymes with snoop?
Dr dre

The past few mornings I woke up to find someone dumped a bunch of LEGO blocks on my front porch...
I dont know what to make of it...

They say food can't call
But then, onion rings

William Shatner has purchased his last Nissan truck
"it's the final Frontier" states Shatner

Did you hear about the guy who baked himself into a giant French baguette?
He was in a lot of pain.

A friend of mine attempted to mate a male deer with a female cheetah.
He was trying to make a quick buck.

Theres a new ridesharing app in Russia
Its called Pickup Andropov

"Son, if you're thinking of getting married, consider this before you do. On one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring."
"On the other hand, you dont!"

I have girlfriends in many nations around this world.
Imagination, hallucination ...

I bought a dictionary and it was terrible.
I couldn't find the words.

I think we need to stop testing products on animals.....
Especially hammers!

Did you hear about the war between Old Navy and H&M?
It was horrible. There were so many casual tees.

For anyone planning to use a colander for the eclipse, be careful,
You might strain your eyes

How much space do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible

The roof on Mikes Tavern was ripped off by a tornado.
Now Mike has a topless bar

You cant be a Cubs fan in St. Louis
Its a Cardinal sin

When the nurse said shed be back with my flu vaccine, I asked if I could have it with the lights off. She said, Um Ill have to check if were allowed to do that.
I said, Thanks. I know its a shot in the dark.

A Target employee dropped a mannequin arm today and couldn't pick it up. Naturally, I stepped in
As I handed the detached limb back to her, I looked her dead in the eye and said, "Here, let me give you a hand."

Neither she nor my wife gave me even a smirk. I am officially seeking emotional support from Reddit.

I finally figured out how flamingos survive in the wild.
Its because they have a leg up on the competition.