I pleaded, Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus! He said, "Repeat infractions?" I responded...
"Fine. 3/5 of my tickets are bogus!"

William Shatners' new line of womens' lingerie has been tanking in sales
There were probably better names than Shatner Panties

How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Trump said he did it and they all clap in the dark

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers.
Yes, he said. My Grandad taught me.

Good. So what comes after eight?

Nine, answered Johnny.

And what comes after nine?

Ten.

And what comes after ten?

The jack.

I dont know how she keeps making blockbusters.
But Anne Hathaway.

My daughters boyfriend just Dad Joked me and Ill be honest, I think she needs to marry him.
So last night we had some storms roll through including some really wicked lightning. I still made a point to make a beer run, and when I got back I posted a video of the lightning to Facebook with a caption explaining the beer run as a context.

My daughters boyfriend responds with: It must have been pretty scary if it made your beer run.

I already knew this before she moved in with him, but I think the guys a winner, folks.

Where do bad rainbows go?
​

To prism.

It's a light sentence, but it gives them time to refract.

What do you call a woman who lights all her bills on fire?
Bernadette

I asked my wife to put on a Mandalorian outfit
I guess I have a Boba Fettish..

When I was a kid we were so poor that my dad served a 1/1000th scoop of ice cream for dessert.
He called it a Milli Vanilli.

What do you call two men sitting on a window?
Kurt n Rod.

Why is it so difficult change a light bulb?
Everyone who tries keeps screwing up

Have you heard of the Irishman who can bounce off walls?
Rick O'Shea

Every time I create a profile on Reddit it gives me a vampire-related username.
Guess something's up with the Create Account button.

This man was about to throw dough, cheese, and tomatoes at me
I said, You wanna pizza me?

I have a joke about a girl who only eats plants
But you probably never heard of herbivore

What happens to a house if its bit by a werewolf?
Does it become a warehouse?

I have a pet marine mammal that double-checks all my decisions.
It's my seal of approval.

Do you want cheddar "and" prov cheese on your burger?
Or just provolone?

My job as a customs officer is really affecting my health.
All those seizures.

Cepahlomelia, a genetic disorder in cows, causes a leg to grow straight from the head
At first it seems like a disability, but compared to everyone else, Id say theyve got a leg up!

What do you call a crime writer whos been struck by lightning?
Agatha Crispy

I wanted to start a new diet today.
Ive just got too much on my plate right now, though.

did you hear about the guy who dunked his balls in glitter?
pretty nuts.

I would love to get paid to sleep.
Thatd be my dream job.