On a roll today!
I'm on a roll today!

Watching Frozen with the wife and kids.

Anna sings, "Why have a ballroom with no balls?"

Me: Oh! I know the answer to that! Its because it's not a secure location!

Wife: *dumbfounded look* What?

Me: Yeah, it's not very secure if anyone can Waltz in there.

Wife: "OH MY GAWD!!!"

Me:

Just got my husband with this one
Theres an IKEA desk I want to buy for my loft studio and am about to go out to get it. I lamented however that I will then need to carry a 24kg box up three flights of stairs. He said that when I get back I can pick him up and hell help.

But youre heavier than the box.

Thankfully he found that amusing.

8y/o: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Dad: Why?

8: To get to an idiot's house.

D: ???

8: Knock, knock.

D: Who's there?

8: ... The chicken.

(I don't think he made this one up, but it made me laugh and I'd never heard it!)

Someone in my family group chat mentioned meeting someone who lived in the South Pacific and had eaten dog, which was considered a delicacy
The chat then devolved into everyone offering their favorite dog dishes, including:

Pugs in a blanket

Lab Rangoon

German shepherd pie

Chicken poodle soup

An everything beagle with lox and cream cheese

Spanielkopita

And, for desert, Boston Terrier Cream Pie

What would you all suggest?

I found $20 in the parking lot and thought to myself What would Jesus do?
So I turned it into wine.

What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tater.

What is a vampires favorite fruit?
Nectarines

Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie?
He was too far out, man!

Did you hear about the person who died by viagra?
What a hard way to go

my never failing joke
I went to the doctors recently

He said: Dont eat anything fatty

I said: What, like bacon and burgers?

He said, No. fatty dont eat anything.

Why doesn't James Bond fart in bed?
Cause it would blow his cover.

Who's the strongest Arab?
The protein sheikh.

I accidentally drank holy water with my laxative.
I'm about to start a religious movement.

When I woke up today
I felt dismayed

There was a dude who sued SmartWater for not making him smart.
Id like to formally declare my intent to sue Chocolate Thins.

Why did God make stars the brightest things in the universe?
Because they're his suns.

If you'd like you can take these empty batteries.
They're free of charge.

i'm giving up drinking for a month.
typo sorry

i'm giving up. drinking for a month!

#itsnotdryfebruary

I got cast in a film about a bakery. Its not a huge part.
Just a small roll

Found corn all over the kitchen counter and floor
There was even some in our cats' water bowl. Reminded my son (who spilled it while helping with dinner) to clean it up; our cats are carnivores not...

...cornivores.

(Actual happening. Wife laughed, son rolled his eyes like dials on a slot machine...)

New gloves?
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they were both left.

On the one hand, it's great, but on the other, it's just not right.

Why didn't the Frenchman order the pancakes?
It gave him the crepes!

The janitors at my office are all smoking weed.
They're high maintenance people.

What do you call a dad who studied dad jokes?
A sigh-enlist

Infectious disease joke
What is a ghosts favorite pathogen?

The Haunta-virus