Today I learned: 'Politics' is a word derived from greekpoli meaning 'many'
tics meaning 'blood sucking parasites'
Why do elephants hate running on the beach?
They cant keep their trunks up.
I told my wife our neighbor died. She said, Who? Ray?
I said, Its way too early to celebrate like that.
Did you hear about the restaurant that only hires little people?
They always have to close early because they're short staffed.
Whats the difference between imply and infer ?
You never see a bear dressed imply
Son Hey dad can I have 20 bucks?The Dad responds
10 bucks! What do you need 5 bucks for?
Im about 2 years away from using this in real life.
What do you call a flying nun?
A bird? A plane?
Nope, nun of the above.
Someone said if you had a million monkeys typing away, you would eventually get the complete works of Shakespeare.
Facebook has proven that to be false
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you're alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline ever again!
After much debate, the moderators have finally banned all menstruation jokes.
That's the end of that period.
What kind of lettuce does a baby wear?
Bibb
My local tobacco shop closed down and now theres an apparel store there.
Clothes, but no cigar.
Did you pick your nose?
No I was born with it
What's the difference between a sock and a camera?
One takes 5 toes and the other takes pho-tos
My friend and I went to the new restaurant, Juan's Mexican Cuisine, last night. When our order arrived, I said, "I can't eat all this; there's too much."
My friend replied, l You can ask for a take out container and finish it later
You dont have to eat it all at Juans
My wife complains that I never buy her flowers.
To be honest, I didnt even know she sold flowers.
my wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo
i had to put my foot down
I will admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive..
my girlfriend lives forty miles away
Inadvertent dad jokeShe: Isnt it strange that the gene for male-pattern baldness is passed through the mom?
Me: Its all about that hair-itability.
(Pun not realized until she started laughing, then I pretended I had planned it all along.)
Whats the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal one?
The flavor
I asked my GPS why it never apologizes
Turns out it has a bad latitude
My dad went to a beach to see wild horses. He didnt want to take his daily driver onto the sand, though
I asked if he rented a Bronco.
At Notre Dame CathedralThe ropes to the church bells at Notre Dame Cathedral had broken so the Hunchback decided to bang his head on the bells to make them ring. When he came down from the tower his face was bruised and swollen. Several monks saw him and one asked, Who is that poor man? Another monk replied, Im not sure of his name, but his face rings a bell.
The next day, because the Hunchback wasnt feeling well his brother came to the Cathedral to help out and ring the bells. He went all the way to the top of the tower, but just as he reached for the ropes, he slipped and plummeted three stories to the floor of the Cathedral. Several people gathered around his broken body and one of them asked, Who is this? Someone replied, Im not sure, but hes a dead ringer for his brother.
What do ATMs and addicts have in common?
Both experience withdrawals
need cow themed jokes!hiii!!!
I have a whole collection of cow themed jokes but I need more. Any appreciated lol.
for example:
What do you call a cow who's a knight in shining armor? Sir Loin
What do you call a cow with 3 legs? Tri tip
What do you call a cow with 2 legs? lean beef
(1 leg, stake, etc)
etc etc
editing for more that I know