Tears were streaming down my face and I couldnt get them to stop. So I ran to a nearby military base. Are there any Marines here?? No. Army? Nope. A Navy SEAL? Sorry. What about an Air Force pilot? Finally, the administrator looked at me and said, Sir what is this about?
I said, Sorry I just need a soldier to cry on.
I was telling my buddies I was having a bad day.
My friend said plethora.

Thanks, I said, that means a lot.

*

My other friend said earth.

Thanks, I said, that means the world to me.

*

My other friend said bargain.

Thanks, I said, that means a great deal.

I havent been allowed back on a cruise ship
Ever since that whole poop deck misunderstanding
What do Trees wear to go swimming?
Trunks
Proud moment with dessert
My girlfriend from the kitchen as she was preparing dessert: "We have custard. Do you want to pour the custard on yourself?"

"No, please pour it on the plate."

The ugh's in response were amazing.

This just happened in real life, and I got not even a chuckle.
True story: the wife and I were walking in Target this evening. We were walking in the clothing section, behind an employee who was moving a mannequin. Out of nowhere the whole arm pops off, and the poor woman cant bend to pick it up because ya know shes holding the rest of the mannequin. So I walk up, grab the limb while shes looking around for another employee to help, hold it out to her and say

Here, let me give you a hand

She took it. No laughter. My wife? Nothing. So I am posting here in the hopes that my genius will be appreciated. Keep getting those dad jokes in the wild, folks.

My wife said, Lets go up to the salad bar.
I replied, Lettuce
I just had a vasectomy done.
The areas still quite sore and I have to walk gingerly, but apart from that, theres not a vas deferens.
My son asked for a hershey's kiss
I said no, kissed him on the forehead, and said it was a he his kiss instead.
The birds & the birds
This happened in real life and I swear Ill never be funnier than this:

Riding somewhere with my (very progressive) mother, the topic of bromance comes up, and its all joking around. Then my mom says, Thats like two guys getting way too close, its justunnatural.

Me: Well Mom, sometimes two men love each other the way men and women do. They call it the birds and the birds.

Mom: Well of course I know that, I have no problem with

Me: Because they both have peckers.

It takes me 5 minutes to walk from my home to the bar, but 20 minutes to walk from the bar back to my home.
The difference is staggering.
What do they use to measure the floor area of a shoe store?
Square Feet.
I peaked.
Sharing an IRL moment that might be the peak for bad puns for me, and that's saying something:

My wife and I were moving and she, a musician (predominantly violin), was packing up her sheet music in 2 identical baskets.

She said "I used to have these so neat. This one was all violin music, and this one was everything else. But over the years they've gotten all mixed up." And I sensed there was something there, so I took a long pause to think and then...

"...you're not going to have to re-sort to violins, are you?"

That one might have caused her physical pain, I still think about it.

[Meta] Please help this cafe with more bad coffee jokes
Our local coffee shop is celebrating its one year anniversary, and we have noticed that the sandwich board they put outside has the same joke on it for the past year. Q: what do you call a cow that has just given birth? A: decaffeinated

Its a good joke. But its been a year. Im calling upon all of you dads out there for help: I want to cultivate a list of new coffee related jokes that they can add to their sandwich board. I know the owner. I bet shed be tickled.

So you have your call action! I look forward to seeing what this might produce. Thank you in advance!

I got some cheap scrap metal the other day.
It was a steel.
They say humans eat more bananas than monkeys
Which makes sense.. Ive never eaten a monkey
A game warden asks a boy, "Didn't you see the no-fishing sign?"
The boy replies, "I'm not fishing, sir. I'm teaching these worms how to swim!".
Every costume party I've gone to, I've dressed as a shark...
And the joke is wearing fin...

This time I'm a hammerhead shark and I think I've finally nailed it!

My cow said she doesn't want children...
She drinks de-calf now.
What bird doesn't have kids ?
Swallow
If cheese comes on top of a hamburger, what comes after cheese?
A mouse!
You know how some Neon lights make a really loud noise?
When they turn them off, do they call it...The Silence of the Lamps?
How do farmers party?
They turnip the beet!!
I won a best fancy dress competition disguised as a mop.I easily beat all contestants.
I wiped the floor with them.
Whats a fruit you always get two of?
Pears.

(daughter says she came up with that one)