The ousted Nvidia CEO has been linked to three women !...
Now thats parallel processing!

When Princess Leia felt cold, her brother pulled her into an embrace to warm her up. When he asked if he she felt any warmer
She said she felt lukewarm.

The surgeon came out and said, Look, I have good news and I have bad news about your son. The bad news is its impossible remove the abacus from his stomach, so his abdomen will forever look absolutely disgusting.
The good news is, its whats on the inside that counts.

Microsofts email system is down and they dont know when itll be restored.
Their outlook is really bad.

I went to my first Pride parade. What a disappointment.
Not a single lion anywhere!

Today, the US Mint will officially mint the last US penny and will no longer produce them in the future.
This makes no cents.

I once knew a horse who tried to be a prostitute for a night.
She was a real one-trick pony.

What do the Spice Girls and Microsoft have in common
No male

Looking at the way I dress, you wouldn't suspect I was a millionaire
And you'd be right to think that

What did the fly do when he got really sick?
He flu.

What was Icarus least favorite food?
Hot wings

Women, to me, are like metric sockets.
A ten is so hard to find

My girlfriend said I'm a useless lazy slob and she deserves much better.
I said, "You woke me at 3 in the afternoon just to tell me that?"

What do you call a prostitution scam?
A booby trap

I was in a public bathroom the other day and a guy in a cubicle started going: Aaah, eeee, oooo
I guess he was having a vowel movement!

Which crayon got stuck on an island?
Maroon.

How many elephants does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
I don't know. I've never managed to fit two elephants into a lightbulb.

(Just thought of this. I'm so sorry and I'll see myself out)

What do you call a blind chicken?
A Hicken, because it can't C.

Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in your jeans

What's the difference between a kleptomaniac and a literalist?
The literalist takes things literally. The kleptomaniac takes things, literally.

Last week, I answered the door and standing there was a six-foot-tall mosquito! He thumped me on the head, then left
The next night, the same mosquito came to the door. He punched me in the stomach and left. The third night, the doorbell rang. As I slowly opened the door, the mosquito pushed the door open, kicked me in the shin and left. I went to see my doctor and explained everything that had happened. I asked him what I should do. The doctor replied, "Not much you can do. There's just a nasty bug going around."

I don't know why everyone's so angry at the NVIDIA CEO.
As far as I can tell, he's just minding his own affairs.

I would never go deep ocean diving
It is beneath me

How do you get down from a tree?
You dont.

You get down from a goose.

Youll never believe this. I dont even workout
But the doctor says my muscles got a trophy