What do you call someone who believes only 12.5% of the Bible is true?
An eighth-theist

Hi everyone, 26F here :)
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

A man was bludgeoned with a clarinet, a cello, and a French horn.
Police say it was an orchestrated attack.

Whats the difference between toilet paper and curtains?
(Expecting the answer I dont know)

So it was you!

Why did the cat cross the road?
Because the chicken had a laser pointer.

My wife wanted to go out to a restaurant. I spent an hour complaining about it, but then I gave in as usual.
I like to whine and dine her.

I got thrown out of Mime Club yesterday
It must have been something I said

what do you call a two dollar chicken?

buck buck

I told my gf to dress up so that we can go to the most expensive place in town
The gas station

I got a new compass, but I don't know how to use it.
It didn't come with directions...

My friends keep trying to get me drunk
Its a form of beer pressure

Did you hear about the pirate who tried learning the alphabet?
He got lost at C

Theyre getting a mold for me to bite down on for them to model the crown
I hope I make a good impression

Whats it called when your doctor corrects your punctuation?
A medically induced comma

I was trying to figure out how to put my seatbelt on today.
Then it suddenly clicked.

What's that sweet, sticky thing on the road?
traffic jam.

A guy walks into a bar joke
A writer walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I'm writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life," he tells the bartender. "It's an oughtobiography."

70% of the Earth's surface is covered in water and none of it is carbonated.
That's my proof that the Earth is flat.

Why is Santa Claus so jolly?
He knows where all the naughty girls live

I caught my 5-year-old trying to put their shoes on the wrong feet today
I told them, "Hey buddy, those are on the wrong feet."
They looked down, looked up at me super confused, and asked, "How? These are the only feet I have!"

Johnny was no scientist, now Johnny is no more, because Johnny confused HO with HSO
This one's an old favourite from when I was at school.

A blonde girl was so tired of hearing blonde jokes
To the point she thought about dyeing...

What brand of power tools does Mozart use?
DeWaltz

I go to the psychiatrist. After 20 minutes, he tells me I have a split personality and asks for $150.
Take it up with the other guyhe's the rich dude.

Me: *Asking my kid on their 8th birthday before every meal*
Are you even hungry? You already 8.

My wife: *glaring at me for the rest of my life*