I'm looking to sell my Delorean.
Good shape, low mileage...

Only driven from time to time.

My kid said, Dad, I think I want to be a translator.
I put my hand on their shoulder and said, Look, Ill always support you whether you choose to be a trans now or a trans later.

A man proposed to his girlfriend on a roller coaster but she said "No".
Everything was going too fast and there were too many ups and downs for her.

I've been trying to write a joke about spices.
I just can't get the thyming right.

I dated a tennis player.
But it turned out, that love means nothing to them.

Which type of music does Sysiphus dislike the most?
Rock and Roll.

When the wife told me La Paz was a capital city...
... I said "I dont Bolivia!".

My kid was really upset after spelling "apocalypse" wrong in the spelling bee
I said "relax, it's not the end of the world."

Three moles are in a tunnel.
The first says, "I smell sugar."

The second says, "I smell honey."

The third says, "I smell molasses."

A horse walked into a bar and the bartender looked up and said, "Hey!"
The horse said, "Neigh, my good man, I already ate. I'll just have a beer."

What do you call a belt made of watches?
A waist of time!!!

My wife doesnt mind doing most of the housework but she doesnt do floors.
She thinks thats beneath her.

What do you call two dinosaurs involved in a car accident?
T-wrecks!

I called my daughter to ask how things were going in the big city. She said, Well, some weirdo on the subway demanded that I give him sodium chloride and a 9-volt. So I guess thats my first mugging. I said, No, sweetie
thats a salt and battery.

The members of Dire Straits bought a zoo, but insisted it couldn't be successful until they showed the staff how to give away all the primates.
Apparently they said "Now that ain't workin', that's the way you do it, monkeys for nothing and your chimps for free".

I just ran into Matt Damon at the thrift store, searching for a new pair of jeans
He was Goodwill hunting

Pets.
I have a pet tree.

Its a lot like having a pet dog but the bark is much quieter.

I used to work in a bank
but I lost interest.

You know of the four horsemen of the apocalypse
You know, Death, Famine, Pestilence, and War.

But have you heard of Flea, Tick, Mite, and Chap, the four horsemen of the Alpaca-lips?

That car seems nice
but the muffler looks exhausted

My wife said she tried flirting, bribing, and even flashing the cop to get out of a speeding ticket.
I said, Well, you tried your breast.

The skeleton couldn't help being afraid of the storm...
He just didn't have any guts.

My dog isn't digging through the trash.
She's a barkaeologist.

Some people say it's wrong to tell jokes at the summit of Mount Everest.
But I think it's peak humor.

Dont know if this is a wind up but I just received a text saying Id won 250 cash or two tickets to an Elvis tribute night
It says Press 1 for the money or 2 for the show