Rescuers attempted to save a stranded Mt. Everest climber today
When they arrived on scene they found Himalayan there!

My father was a officer in the Army but he never showered
He wanted to maintain his rank

What was the name of the French guy who lost a fight with a cat?
Claude.

At a divorce paper signing...
WOMAN: I regret ever joining that Star Wars dating app
MAN: You were looking for love in Alderaan places
WOMAN: And I really regret marrying a Star Wars pun addict
MAN: It was a wookie mistake
WOMAN: Just sign it
MAN, SIGNING: May divorce be with you

What did the badass census worker say?
Im here to kick butt and take names and Im all out of butts.

She got me.
My girlfriend and I were watching a cop show together. One thing that always bothered me: when the main characters storm a building, their backup come in with full body armor, heavy assault weapons, and helmets. The MC's don't. I complained about this to her, and she said they don't need all that. They have Plot Armor.

I love that woman.

Why does my grandmother only put 239 beans in her famous bean soup?
If she put one more bean it would be two farty

Why cant NASA send a duck to space
The bill would be astronomical

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing a game of hide and seek.
Einstein starts counting: "One, two, three..."

Pascal runs off and hides behind a large bush.

Newton, however, just stands there. He takes out a piece of chalk, draws a square on the ground exactly one meter by one meter, and steps inside it.

Einstein finishes counting, opens his eyes, and sees Newton immediately. "Aha! I found you, Newton!" he shouts.

Newton smiles and shakes his head. "No, you didn't. You found one Newton per square meter. You found Pascal!".

When you pat a dogs head it will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
Make it bark

A forester is walking through the forest and a tree yells, Stop! You cant cut me down, Im a talking tree!
The forester responds, Yeah, and youll dialogue.

Remember, there are 10 types of people in the world,
those who understand binary and those who don't.

How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents.

This girl on tinder asked me why I have an unlit cigarette in my picture.
I told her Im looking for matches.

Which Jedi is best at delivering babies?
OBi GYN

Someone ripped the 5th month out of my new calandar
I'm dismayed

There is only 3 types of people in this world
Those that can count and those that cant

Got a really nice 3 foot ruler today...
I bought it at a Yard sale.

Cheese pizza is the best pizza.
You cant top it.

How do they serve beer on Cinco de Mayo?
In Mexi-cans.

A truck carrying condiments into Mexico City crashed and spilled onto the road.
Authorities are calling it a sink hole of mayo.

I once bought some gold coins from a street vendor in Cairo. It turns out they were fake.
Egypt me!

I bought my best friend an huge Elephant for his living room.
He said, "Thanks so much".

I said, "Don't mention it"

My therapist said Im emotionally constipated
Little did they know Im also actually consitpated

A clown held the door open for me yesterday
It was a nice jester