My landlord sent me a text saying we need to talk about how high my air-conditioning bill is.
I responded: Come by any time, my door is always open.

What do you call someone who can't stop watching films with strong female leads?
A heroine addict

I accidentally sprayed Axe body spray into my mouth.
Now I speak with an Axe scent.

My son was just born
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday... said maybe they'll marry each other.

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

What do you get when you drop a piano on a kid from a great height?
A flat minor

I let out a huge sigh when I received another text from the guy next door. Hey when you guys get back from the oo can I stop by to grab some ip ties and borrow your bu saw? Ill trade you for some of my ucchinis. My wife asked, Who sent that??
I said, Its our no-Z neighbor.

Tablets were replaced by scrolls, scrolls were replaced by books.
Now we scroll through books on tablets.

My young friend was telling me that she failed her exam in Aboriginal music.
Being the supportive father figure type, I took her hand and asked,

"Didja redo it?"

My kid hit me with this one today
Why did the coffee call the cops?

It was mugged

You ever heard of silent tennis?
Its essentially tennis but without the racket.

I published a book on lubricants
It won first place in the non-friction category

My son asked If you see an Apple Store getting robbed
does that make you an iWitness?

They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian.
Well, they're not laughing now.

Someone keeps stealing the wheels on my car
Shouldn't they be getting tired of this already?

If I am in the middle of the ocean and I jump, but when I come down I dont hit water, what does this mean?
Island

To the person who stole my glasses.
I will find you

I have contacts!

My wife asked me to clean an insect out of the washer.
After I removed it I informed her I debugged her washing machine.

A geek was interviewing for a networking job.
Interviewer: You seem like the guy we're looking for. So, what's your home address?

Geek: 142.210.3.23

Interviewer: No, I mean, your local address.

Geek: 127.0.0.1

Interviewer: No, no, your physical address.

Geek: 01:1A:24:3D:50:1B

Im never eating goat liver again!
It tastes offal!

I heard this today about a person with many facial piercings
Her face looks like she fell into a tackle box.

I love my new hobby: archery...its great
but there are a lot of drawbacks

6:30 is the best time on the clock
hands down

What do you call a fart that is flat?
2D

(Original joke by my 8 year old)

Did you hear about the auctioneer who had diarrhoea?
He was going once, going twice

I hurt my back walking like an Egyptian.
Now I have to see a Cairo-practor.