Very proud of my son for this one
After I commented on how big he's getting, he replied

'maybe it's because you've been taking me to the growcery store'

He's 8

I found out that the library is the tallest building in town
It has the most stories..
What's so great about elevators?
They're uplifting.
Diarrhea is hereditary.
It runs in your jeans.
Which animal has the largest chest?
A Z-bra
The Nurse's Dreaded Words:
After a prostate exam, the doctor leaves and a nurse enters with a worried look. She whispers the words no man wants to hear: "Who the hell was that guy?".
Ive been trying to come up with some good airplane jokes.
I cant get any of them to land correctly.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
They lactose.
What do you call it when JK Rowling visits the ocean?
Surf 'n' TERF
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
...because they lactose.
If you have no interest in lending out money.
You are not a loan.
How do the CIA like their curries?
spycy
At first, it was cute when my daughter started dressing like a dolphin.
But now, her act is wearing fin.
i met this pregnant woman at the library
she was on the floor crying, i asked what's wrong

she said: "i'm very overdue"

i replied: "oh don't worry, the fines aren't that hefty here"

How can you tell how old an Alaskan sailor is?
By his anchorage.
What is Benedict Arnolds favorite grocery store?
Traitor Joes.
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo...
So I had to put my foot down
Why don't astronauts like gravity?
It brings them down.
Donating your body to science...
... it's a dead giveaway.
Did you know older vehicles with vent windows was called camaro air conditioning?
You open the window and in come air o
They finally figured out what went wrong at Jurassic Park.
They had a reptile dysfunction
What's the most sacrilegious bone?
The blas-femur!
The famous singer Sting has been kidnapped
The Police have no lead.
My friend, Bill, and his son, Robby, were out for a walk in the woods when suddenly they were overtaken by the unmistakable smell of ham. They looked around and happened upon a very odd looking tree.
My friend, Bill, and his son, Robby, were out for a walk in the woods when suddenly they were overtaken by the unmistakable smell of ham. They looked around and happened upon a very odd looking tree. Bill put his nose against it and took a deep, full-chested whiff. WOW! For a moment, Bill's eyes glazed over, but in the next instant he was cured. This thing was more than meats the eye. Robby said to his father, "Dad, what kind of strange and mystical tree could this possibly be?" Bill replied, "Son, that right there is what we call a porky pine."
I accidentally took my cats meds last night.
Dont ask meow.