Dad: When two people have sex, it's a twosome. When three people have sex, it's threesome
Son: Now I know why people call you handsome

Son: "Dad, today I watched someone do 50 pushups, do you think could you do that?"
Dad: "of course son, don't want to brag but I could probably watch someone do 100 push-ups"

I have a bad habit of second guessing all the decisions I make.
[deleted]

Mick Jagger once tried to become a math teacher, but he didnt last very long.
Apparently, he couldnt get no stats or fractions.

Neighbor kid came to look at my CD collection
Neighbor kid named Jimmy came to look at my CD collection. He tried to put one back but cracked the CD on it's case. It wasn't my favorite so it was fine.

Jimmy cracked Korn and I don't care.

I just found out that my fathers will says that if hes ever hospitalized, I get to decide where he goes on the stretcher.
Apparently, that gives me power of a gurney.

My wife read a draft of a mystery novel I'm working on. She goes, "I don't get it... in chapter two you randomly wrote 'shadow, shadow, shadow, shadow'... what the hell does that even mean??"
I'm like, "Babe... it's called four-shadowing."

The internet connection at the farm is really sketchy, so the farmer moved the modem to the barn.
Now they have stable wifi.

I'm opening a Vietnamese/Italian fusion restaurant
I call it Pho-geddaboudit.

You likely know what Murphys law is, but do you know Coles law?
Its cabbage, carrots, mayonnaise, and salt all mixed together.

I was told that you could view a solar eclipse through a colander.
I tried it and ended up straining my eyes.

My uncle has a stutter and went to prison
Im afraid hell never finish his sentence

Why vampires don't cause unwanted pregnancies?
Because they can't come inside uninvited!

How warm is a baby at birth?
I dont know

Womb temperature.

I was about to ask two leopards to switch seats with me and my wife
My wife said dont bother, they never change their spots.

What do horses do when they get tired?
They hit the hay

Microsoft is bundling Microsoft Flight Simulator with Copilot
It's a really boring game now called "Microsoft Passenger."

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Doesnt matter. She aint gonna come anyway.

My son hit me with a Dad Joke so strong I had to sit down.
So Im making breakfast this morning and I ask my son,
Want scrambled or fried?

He looks me dead in the eye and says:
Whichever one is eggcellent, father.

I gave my daughter a locket for her sixteenth birthday.
Now she is independent.

Mary and Joseph quickly realized that Jesus was divine.
He could finish a carpentry project without going back to Home Depot one single time.

An accident at the Kodak factory has exposed millions of dollars worth of film to light rendering it worthless.
More details as they develop.

Me and my wife receive endearment every day for an end of year holiday.
Her name is Mary Christmas.

Why would Joey Chestnut make a great veterinarian?
Hes skilled at putting down dogs.

What happens if you slide down a grassy hill in Spain?
You get a gracias.