How did the hamburger introduce his girlfriend to his parents?
Meat Patty.
The model prisonerSeveral years ago, Jim was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all the other inmates.
The warden believed that, deep down, Jim was a decent man. So he arranged for Jim to learn a trade while serving his time.
After about three years, Jim had become one of the best carpenters in the whole county.
Sometimes he was even given a weekend pass to do small jobs for folks around town, and he always returned to the prison by Sunday evening.
Jim was the definition of a model inmate.
One day, the warden decided he wanted to remodel his kitchen, but he didnt have the skills to build new cabinets and a large countertop.
So he called Jim into his office and asked if he could take on the job.
To the wardens surprise, Jim immediately refused.
But youre an expert, Jim, and I really could use your help, said the warden.
Gee, Warden, Id sure love to help you
but counter fitting is what got me in here in the first place.
What should you say if you accidentally fart during confession?
"Forgive me, father, for I have wind."
My wife told me I drink too much, so I promised her I wouldnt drink anymore..
I never said Id drink any less.
Did you hear someone stole all the wheels off the police cars at the local station?
The cops are working tirelessly to find the thieves.
My uncle wasn't just a locksmith. He was also a great mentor.
He opened a lot of doors for people
Why cant Frog drive with a flat tire?
Because then it would have to be Toad.
We all know where the Big Apple is.But does anyone know where the...
Minneapolis?
Whats the difference between a sausage and a space rock that burns up in the atmosphere......
Well a sausage is made out of meat....but the rock is a little...meteor
I was talking with my brother about how much I missed my dog. I said, Man its been a few years now, and I realized the other day I cant even remember what his bark sounded like anymore.
He nodded, put his hand on my shoulder and said, Its rough.
Why did the biscuit cry?
Because his mum had been a wafer so long.
Frank the portrait painterFrank wasnt much of a student growing up, but he had a real gift for painting portraits.
Within a few years, his reputation spread, and people from all across the country started coming to his little town to have their portraits done.
One afternoon, a glamorous woman pulled up to his house in a long black limousine and asked if he would paint her portrait in the nude.
Frank had never received a request like that before and didnt quite know what to say, especially when she added that money was no object and shed happily pay up to ten thousand dollars.
Not wanting to cause trouble at home, Frank asked her to wait outside while he went in to talk things over with his wife, Betty.
They debated it for quite a while, discussing whether it was proper or not.
In the end, Betty finally agreedbut only on one condition.
A few minutes later, Frank returned to the woman.
My wife says its okay, he told her.
Ill be happy to paint your portrait in the nude
But Ill have to keep my socks on so Ive got somewhere to wipe my brushes.
This guy at work accused me of using outdated pop culture references.
Whatever he can eat my shorts.
The fashion designer rejected all my ideas but I respect his expertise
He's very clothes minded
I need to re-home a dog. Its a small terrier and tends to bark a lot, if interested let me know
I will jump over the neighbors fence and get it for you
Recently, Ive stopped drinking for good
Now I drink for evil.
Just when you think you know for sure vegetables cant use phones
Onion rings
Why can you never trust an atom?
Because they make up everything.
To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my word.
If your mom is from Mexico, make sure to tell her Palabra tomorrow
Thats word to your mother!
When Beethoven was a kid everyone told him he could never be a composer.
But did he listen!?
Imma tell you about a woman who only eats plants
bet you've probably never heard of herbivore
Where do all the Dutch Pirates live?
Arrrrrnhem
I tried to explain to my 4 yr old grandson that its normal to accidentally poop your pants
But hes still making fun of me
Why did Hitler go to the nail salon?
He needed the polish removed