One of the unicorns on Noah's ark introduced himself to the other unicorn, "Hi, I'm Bob. What's your name?"
"Steve."
Unpoplar opinion: The Doors were a jamb band.
And they could really swing.
If someone is born inside a car, and die outside, can we call him
Carborn Dieoutside
Why are mountains funny?
Because they are hill-areas
When is the best time of day to do the dishes?
Dawn.
Do you know what today is?
10-4, good buddy!
The inventors of the brochure have sadly passed away.
RIP Pam Flett and her husband, Lee.
Last night I tried to read the entire dictionary, but I didnt make it..
I got up to P
I wanted to tell you all a space pun.
But I need more time to planet.
Did you hear about the priest who stapled his testicles together?
He figured if you can't beat them, join them.
Johann Sebastian Bach had 20 children.
No wonder he was Baroque.
I used be an archaeologist, but I had to stop
My career was in ruins!
What do you call a woman with a peanut allergy?
Anna Phylaxis
Which type of doctor is most available?
An on-call-ogist
Whats a bakers favorite pair of shoes?
Loafers
Injury.
A man was injured while playing peek-a-boo.

He's currently in the ICU.

What did the soldier say when he was shot in the crotch?
Re-member me!
My son showed me a picture of his new girlfriend
She was dressed in full hockey gear including pads, a mask, gloves and a blocker.

I said "congratulations. She looks like a keeper."

What happens when a frog's car breaks down?
It gets toad!
A woman proves she can take on heavy projects
A woman was tired of people acting like she didnt know how to do things around the house, so one day she decided she was going to prove she could handle a big project all on her own.

While her husband was at work, she decided shed paint a couple of rooms.

Later that afternoon, her husband came home and immediately smelled fresh paint.

He walked into the living room and found his wife lying on the floor, exhausted and dripping with sweat wearing a heavy parka over a leather jacket.

He rushed over. Are you okay?

She said, Im fine. I just wanted to prove I could do this myself.

He looked at her and asked, Honey why in the world are you wearing a jacket and a parka?

She pointed to the paint can and said:

Because the directions say: For best results, put on two coats.

Why don't we ever tell secrets at the dinner table?
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears!
What do you say to testicles that are breaking the speed limit?
Nuts so fast!
I have a few jokes about unemployed people
but none of them work
Fired...
Guillotine operator sues employer wins severance package.
Why did the airplane engine stop listening to the pilot?
It had thrust issues