Dad jokes can be NSFW. And i'm gonna say why.
Why

Old McDonald had a calculator
01313

You have 2 wolves inside you
Mozart had 7 or 8 wolves inside him. That's why they called him Wolfgang.

My son came up to me at the beach, upset. He said his sister was teasing him because she had five buckets and he only had two.
I knelt down and said, The amount she brought doesnt matter, son. Its pails in comparison.

Did you know if you go to bed in full armor
Its the best way to get a full knights sleep

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic...
But if I'm gonna have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.

A photographer was crushed today when a massive block of cheddar fell on him.
To be fair, the people he was photographing tried to warn him.

Why do horses have low divorce rates?
Stable relationships.

She: You shouldnt eat meat
He: Don't worry, it's plant-based.

She: That's awesome. Which plant?

He: The meat processing plant.

Why did the baby strawberry cry?
Because its mother was in a jam

I was in the pharmacy and asked the assistant for some deodorant
Ball or aerosol, he asked.

So I said No, its for my armpits

Dating a girl who used cedar instead of silicone for breast implants would be weird
wooden tit.

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten-tickles

To whoever stole my glasses I will find you
I have contacts

What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?
A wooly jumper.

I just learned the previous owner of my home did all The electrical work without any experience.
I was shocked

What do you call a factory that sells generally okay products?
a satis-factory

Why can't a nose be 12 inches long ?
because it be a foot

My girlfriend poked me in the eyes.
I stopped seeing her for a while.

A bear and a rabbit
Are taking a dump in the woods.

The bear says to the rabbit, Do you ever have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?

The rabbit says no, I dont. Why do you ask?

Without answering the bear leans over, picks up the rabbit, and wipes his arse with him.

Which army regiment would a pirate join?
The Arrrrrrrrrrtillery.

I was going to propose to my girlfriend but my dog ate the ring.
Now its just a diamond in the ruff.

What did the boat say right before it crashed into the harbor?
I don't like pier pressure!

One thing I cant deal with
Is a deck of cards glued together.

Over 100 years ago, two brothers announced they could fly.
Turns out they were Wright.