My wife commented that I'm definitely not French the way I wolf down my food. So I asked her then what am I?
Without skipping a beat she said you're clearly Russian

TIL alligators can live up to 100 years which is why there's an increased chance that...
...they will see you later!

Did you hear about the chameleon who couldnt change colour?
He had a reptile dysfunction

My infatuation of the Beatles got so bad that I felt compelled to buy every single record that they ever made.
My wife said that I needed Help........I said I've already got that one.

Why does ironing clothes make them shrink?
Because it de-creases them.

A Canadian tourist in Australia gets hit by a car.
He wakes up in the hospital with a doctor standing over him.

He asks the doctor Did I come here to die?

The doctor replies Nah mate, you came here yesterday.

My wife didn't like this one...
(I'm the OC... My daughter called it genius, wife didn't enjoy it.)

My wife walks in, were all sitting there with tea and scones, pinkies out.

She goes, Did you get the kids vaccinated?

I said, Vaccinated? I thought you said Saxon-ated.

Why did everybody knew, that the funeral director was sick?
Because of the coffin.

To save money on fuel I took the mirrors off of my car to reduce drag
I've not looked back since.

Why didnt number 4 go through the haunted house with its friends?
It was just 2.

What do you call it when a police officer quits their job?
A cop-out.

Master chef.
I was watching an Australian cooking show, and the audience applauded when the chef made a meringue.

I was surprised.

Australians usually boo meringue.

My cousin the tailor is in jail now
Its because of his criminal ties

My wife said I am always messing up sayings. I told her
I could care less!

Did you hear about the cheese factory in France that exploded?
The only thing left was de brie...

Why did the old man take a pair of socks with him to the golf course?
Because he got a hole in one.

Do not be afraid of a six month home renovation.
Those twelve months will be the most fulfilling two years of your life.

A man didn't report his stolen credit card for months.
When asked why, he said, "The thief is spending less than my wife!"

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, Its not working. I cant take it any more. Im going to my moms. Confused and extremely worried, I slowly opened the fridge door. The light came on, the beer was cold.
What the hell did she mean?

Did you hear about the new movie thats mashup of The Lord of the Rings and This is Spinal Tap?
This one goes to Elevenses.

When you need to protect your butt, you should call Thor
He's an Asgardian

Why did the Chinese philosopher get lost?
He was Confucius.

What type of doctor has the most no-show appointments?
Dermatologists.

Their patients tend to be flaky.

What do you call an ancient pig?
Jurassic pork.