I asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anesthesia.
He said, "Sure, knock yourself out."
If you lose your khakis in Ohio, it means you can't find your pants.
But if you lose your khakis in Boston, it means you can't start your car.
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
I got fired from my job the other day because I kept asking the customers whether they prefer "Smoking" or "Non-smoking."
Apparently, the correct terms were "Cremation" or "Burial."
My dad used to tell me that you cant save anyone; they have to save themselves
Great man. Terrible lifeguard.
Next time you get a call from an unknown number, answer it by whispering...:
"It's done, but there's blood everywhere."
I told my wife she was drawing in her eyebrows too high
She looked surprised
One time, my wife told me to take out a spider that frightened her.
So I took him out for drinks... Nice guy, he's a web designer.
My wife went to the spa today and got a bikini waxShe told me it made her feel like a million bucks.
I said she looked like a Brazilian.
(I had to explain this joke to my wife ...and she is Brazilian)
I went to the hospital the other day and parked in a disabled bay.
A traffic warden stopped me and said "That's for badge holders only". I told him "I have a bad shoulder!".
Do you know what happens when you eat too many edibles?
You get a pot belly
The job interviewA gentleman with a nervous eye twitch applies for a job as a sales rep at a big American company.
The hiring manager studies his rsum and looks impressed.
James, this is outstanding.
Top schools, glowing references, years of experience.
Normally, wed hire you on the spot.
But this job is very public-facing, and that constant winking might make customers uncomfortable.
Im sorry we just cant take the risk.
Hold on, James says.
If I take a couple of aspirin, it stops right away.
Really?
Alright, lets see it.
James reaches into his blazer pocket and starts pulling things out.
First one box of condoms then another then another in every color you can imagine.
Ribbed, flavored, glow-in-the-dark the whole drugstore aisle.
Finally, at the very bottom, he finds a small packet of aspirin.
He swallows two tablets, waits a moment
And just like that, the winking stops.
The manager folds his arms and frowns.
Well, thats impressive, but we run a respectable company here.
We cant have one of our salesmen chasing women across the country.
Chasing women? James says.
Ive been happily married for thirty-five years!
Then how do you explain all those condoms?
James sighs.
Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?
How many bones are in a human hand?
A handful.
Mother superiorAs she passed the young novices, Mother Superior said,
"Good morning, ladies," and the novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior. May God be with you."
But once they were past, she heard one novice say to another, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
Mother Superior was surprised but decided not to pursue it.
Soon she passed two sisters who had taught there for years.
They exchanged pleasantries, but again she heard them whisper, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
She wondered if she had been harsh with them and vowed to be more pleasant.
Down the hall came retired Sister Mary. They exchanged greetings but Sister Mary added right to her face,
Looks like you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
Mother Superior was floored. Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? Three times this morning someone has said that about me."
Sister Mary looked Mother Superior in the eye,
Oh dear, dont take it personally. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers.
Did you hear about the seamstress that quit her job to pursue a career in music?
Now she's a Singer/Songwriter.... Or sew it seams.
Why did the Mathematician volunteer to carry the pulleys on the hike?
He assumed they would be frictionless and weightless.
I dropped my kid off at karate class and there was a deer serving coffee!
It was a joe doe at the dojo.
What's the most unexpected Italian food?Risotto.
It's a real souprice.
Science has proven that women who put on a few pounds live longer
Science has proven that women who put on a few pounds live longer than the men who point it out.
My son asked me to stop singing Oasis songs in public.
I said maybe.
What do you call birds that stick together?
Velcros!
I pissed off my wife on our last road trip and she lost it on me during our drive :(
I had no choice, I steered into the break-down lane
What do you call a group of men waiting to get a haircut ???
A barbercue !!!
Elevators.Im scared of elevators
So Im taking steps to avoid them.
I got the latest Porsche 911 turbo s for my wife today...
I think it was a fair trade!