There was a shooting at the White House Correspondence Dinner tonight...
Kash Patel went running in because he heard there were free shots.

What has 10 letters and starts with GAS?
Automobile.

So Proud. Granddaughter (14) first Dad Joke.
So proud. Granddaughter made her first proper Dad joke. I asked her to take the bins out and she said.........Why I'm not dating them?

So I went to a beekeeper and asked him for five bees, but he gave me six. I asked him "what's with the extra one?"
He answered "It's a freebie."

Someone glued my deck of cards together.
I don't know how to deal with it.

The citizens of Athens have always found it difficult to wake up early in the morning...
Dawn is tough on Greece.

Whats the best thing about Switzerland?
I dont know, but their flag is a big plus.

I'm never donating blood again! They ask way too many questions...
Whose blood is this? Where did it come from? Why is it in a bucket?!

Name a car that starts with P.
Plymouth, Porsche, Pontiac, Peugeot....

Wrong! They all start with gas!

My doctor recommended a brain transplant.
At first I said no but then I changed my mind.

My sons doctor called in a panic and exclaimed, You need to get to my office immediately! I have dire news. Very worried, I rushed over to find out what was so critical.
When I arrived, he explained, After a careful review of your sons charts, I believe that he wont grow past five feet tall. Im very sorry to have to deliver this bad news.

I asked, OK, but why was this such an emergency? Couldnt this meeting have waited a few days?

He answered, I thought youd want to know now, although Im sorry about the short notice.

What do you call a herd of baby sheep rolling down the hill?
A lambslide.

How does a Mother become single?
She moves Father away.

What do you call a seatbelt that doesn't work?
A deceit belt.

What did the melon say when his grass looked too dry?
I guess its time to watermalawn.

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes...
"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

What happens, when you're naked in public and the elevator doesn't work?
You'll encounter stairs.

two pieces of shit meet in the sewer
one of them says to other you look a little *flushed* man, you feeling alright

I don't know why some people say "Age is just a number"...
Age is obviously a word!

I went to the doctor today about a suspicious-looking mole.
He told me that they all look like that and I should've left it in the garden.

What do you call a swimming flamingo?
Flamboyant

What do you call a contortionist with the flu?
A sick, twisted individual.

Never date a tennis player.
Love means nothing to them.

What do you call an angry psychiatrist?
A thera-pissed.

Why is it the worst time to take sides in an argument during dinnertime?
Trick question. It's the PERFECT time to take sides because no one is paying attention. Bring Tupperware.