what does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
a synonym roll

Two guys are robbing a liquor store. One of them asks he other "is this whiskey?"
The other one says : yeah, but it's not as wisky as wobbing a bank

Saw my doctor about erectile dysfunction. He said, You could try Viagra, or if you want something stronger, Cialis.
I said, Hmm show me a picture of Alice first.

Vegan: The chicken you're eating had a family.
Me: That's why I ordered the family bucket, no-one gets left behind.

I tried to return the bread my Jewish friend gave me but she absolutely refused to accept it
She just kept singing "I ain't no Challah-back girl!"

Happy Rosh Hashanah to those who celebrate!

I cant understand why skydiving is so expensive.
Its supposed to be a free fall!

I'm so excited to go to my first event after joining the Amateur Autopsy Club.
Tomorrow is Open Mike Night.

Where is a pet rodent's favorite city to visit?
Hampsterdam.

From my 12 year old son, so proud!

Whats big, sticky, and brown?
A stick!

Why do celebrities never complain about heat?
Cause they have a lot of fans.

Political opinions are like dicks
Its okay to have them, just dont shove them down peoples throats.

I'm finally able to start my dream of building a zoo in my home town. The best resources say that first, I need a breeding pair of Pandas, three Grizzlies and at least one Koala...
I guess that's the bare minimum.

How is a handwritten letter like a lazy dog?
A handwritten letter is an ink lined plane.
An inclined plane is a slope up.
A slow pup is a lazy dog.

Do you know what makes dogs such great tricksters?
They're great at aaaroooos (a ruse)

I was watching a metalworker working on a skyscraper pounding in rivets with a hammer.
It was riveting

A calf asks his dad if hes gay
The dad replies no im bi-son

Whats the difference between Indian & Vietnamese cuisine?
Ones Nan-profit while the other is Pho-profit

Lately, Ive had so much squash that its making me sick.
Id butternut keep eating it.

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia,
...would you get a phillips screwdriver?

I'm heartbroken because my car is missing from the garage where I parked it last night.
It's a red Ford Escape

At dinner, I asked my date if she was religious. She said she was still deciding because the Baptists wanted her to join, but so did the Catholics, an Orthodox Jewish congregation, and even a Hindu temple.
I said, Wow You clearly have some serious sects appeal.

My local brothel has been closed for a few days.
The sign on the door says, Were closed, so beat it!

Snow Turtles
My son was asking about Turtles and I told him we have Snow Turtles in Manchester. He didnt believe me, so we phone his Granny. She confirmed Theres no Turtles in Manchester

The gap between rungs on a ladder keeps increasing as the world's population keeps growing taller and taller. This phenomenom is officially known as...
Climb-It Change.

My wife is mad because every time she farts I hold a lighter up to her butt.
She says I need to stop gaslighting her.