"Son, if you're thinking of getting married, consider this before you do. On one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring."
"On the other hand, you dont!"

Dad: When two people have sex, it's a twosome. When three people have sex, it's threesome
Son: Now I know why people call you handsome

When the nurse said shed be back with my flu vaccine, I asked if I could have it with the lights off. She said, Um Ill have to check if were allowed to do that.
I said, Thanks. I know its a shot in the dark.

Funny how posts are still tagged NSFW
As if any of us still got jobs.

How warm is a baby at birth?
I dont know

Womb temperature.

You likely know what Murphys law is, but do you know Coles law?
Its cabbage, carrots, mayonnaise, and salt all mixed together.

call my panties 9/11 ...
the way bush is behind it

I had to break up with my girlfriend after she kept correcting my misuse of its to its.
She was just being way too possessive for me.

Son: "Dad, today I watched someone do 50 pushups, do you think could you do that?"
Dad: "of course son, don't want to brag but I could probably watch someone do 100 push-ups"

I go through a bottle of honey mustard almost every week, because its a combination of my two favorite things
bottles and honey mustard

Why are there no pain-killers in the jungle?
Parrots eat 'em all.

What do you call the security guards who work for Samsung?
The Guardians of the Galaxy

I have a bad habit of second guessing all the decisions I make.
[deleted]

You heard about the detective that has constipation?
No Shit Sherlock

Why didn't the chicken cross the road??
He was too alfredo!

Mick Jagger once tried to become a math teacher, but he didnt last very long.
Apparently, he couldnt get no stats or fractions.

Neighbor kid came to look at my CD collection
Neighbor kid named Jimmy came to look at my CD collection. He tried to put one back but cracked the CD on it's case. It wasn't my favorite so it was fine.

Jimmy cracked Korn and I don't care.

A dad and son check into a hotel,
and, after settling into their bedroom, immediately go to the guest workout room. The son picks up a dumbbell and starts doing wrist curls. Dad, asks the son, do you want to workout forearms with me?

Dad replies, No thanks, two arms are enough for me.

My best jokes come to me early in the morning.
They always dawn on me.

How would you get into a locked boat?
Use a quay.

I love pianos
They have the keys to my heart

My dad was a fisherman, so he did everything quickly
For him everything was a fish in sea

I just found out that my fathers will says that if hes ever hospitalized, I get to decide where he goes on the stretcher.
Apparently, that gives me power of a gurney.

Tory loved dogs
Tory loved dogs. He had several large breeds but he decided that he would get a smaller breed. He did a lot of research and decided that a Yorkshire Terrier would be perfect so he went to the local pet store, and after perusing several cute puppies, chose one little Yorkie as his own.

"I'll take this one," Tory said, proudly pointing to his pup of choice. "Here's your puppy," said the clerk, handing him the cute little canine. "And here's a box of poop bags."

Puzzled, Tory asked, "Why are you giving me a box of poop bags?"

The clerk replied..."Because, it comes with the terrier, Tory..."