I asked a supermarket worker where they kept the tinned peaches.
He said, "I'll see," and walked away.

I asked another and he also said, "I'll see," and walked away.

In the end I gave up and found them myself, in Aisle C.

My Bluetooth speaker wasnt working, so I threw it into the lake.
Now its syncing

My wife is furious with me. She realized I was cheating when she found the letter that I had hidden.
Were never playing Scrabble again.

I have two cousins who want to date me.
I guess that makes me relatively attractive.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is at a sushi restaurant staring at his plate. Frustrated, he waves over a waiter.
Waiter Is there something wrong with your order sir?
Arnold Its not a tuna!

If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep...
That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning

I used to be afraid of hurdles.
But I got over it.

Why didn't the turkey eat dessert?
He was already stuffed.

I saw a math teacher with graph paper.
I think she was plotting something.

At dinner, my date told me that she was more of a dog person.
Which later explained the leg humping.

Thought my kid would be thrilled when the flight attendant invited him to check out the brand new cockpit before taking off.
Turns out he found it was pretty Boeing.

Did you hear about the blonde who identified as a boat?
She was a little dinghy!

My daughter: That Beethoven was so nice, not claiming copyright on people using his music.
Me: Oh no, he wouldn't hear of it...

My son asked me "Where does poo come from?"
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.

He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"

Did you want to become more than acquaintances?
I'm asking for a friend.

My dog is so dumb.
Weve played 73 games of chess and shes only beaten me once.

Turns out anyone can make holy water right at home.
You just have to boil the hell out of it.

My 12 year old son didn't want to tell me a joke about a German hot dog.
He said it was the wurst.

Proud tears of joy ran down my face.

A Mossberg 500 and a Remington 870 got married...
... It was a shotgun wedding.

Chickens can't touch type
They just hunt and peck

RIP boiled water....
You will be mist.

I've damaged my hearing from too much loud music
It's eareversible

I think jokes about aircrafts...
Are just plane wrong.

its math
i drank root beer from a square glass and now i only have beer.

There was an emergency at work so I tried to use the emergency exit
But the emergency refused to leave.