My children wouldn't go to sleep after being told multiple times. Got a little mad and told them, "You're making too much noise and messing with each other, so now I'm angry"
Youngest said to me, under his breath, "Hi, Angry"

The hardest it has ever been to keep a straight face the entire time I've been a parent. Had to leave the room. I'm angry, and I'm proud.

I was proud of my cultural heritage until I found out that my great grandfather was from Transylvania.
Now I can't even look at myself in the mirror.

I asked my daughter, "If theres a bee in my hand, whats in my eye?" Rolling her eyes, she said, "I give up. What?"
"Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder!"

Would a lion drive intoxicated?
no, but a Tiger Wood.

There was a time when I was younger that I could eat like a horse.
That was my hay day.

Last night, I laid my head on my wife in bed. She said "Why are your ears so cold?"
I could feel a pun there but it just didn't appear. I was frozen. I told her as much.

It haunted me all night. In the morning on my hour drive to work, it was in my head. Same on the drive home.

Finally it came to me.

I got home, walked inside, and first thing I said to her was "ear conditioning."

"What?"

"That's why my ears were cold."

The look she gave me as she realized how much time I spent finding that one.

It's an art form, dads. Sometimes you have to work for it. Don't give up.

Why don't they serve alcohol at a math party?
You can't drink and derive.

I sat down for dinner at a restaurant and the waiter asked me, Do you want to hear todays special? I replied, Yes please. He continued, No problem sir.
"Today is special!"

Terrible joke
Sitting here in an airport lounge. Wine is getting low. Waiter comes by and asks if I want my wine topped off. Without hesitation I say sure, wine not with emphasis on the wine. My kids would be so embarrassed. Luckily Im traveling solo.

Can you ever turn it off?

Insomnia is awful
But on the bright side it's only 6 more sleeps until Christmas.

How do you comfort an English teacher?
There, Their, They're

A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks
Is this stool taken?

We just found out my grandfather has an addiction to Viagra
No one is taking it harder than grandma

As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way
Maybe a career as a tour guide wasnt the right choice.

What do you get when you take a waffle to the beach?
San Diego (sandy eggo)

A man brought his best friend home for dinner unannounced at 7:30 PM.
His wife started screaming that the house was a mess and she wasn't dressed.

The husband said, "I knowhe's thinking of getting married and I promised him a demo."

I got caught peeing in the pool today.
The lifeguard shouted so loudly, I almost fell in.

My neighbour angrily knocked on my door at 2am. 2AM! Cant you believe it?
Luckily I was still up playing the drums at the time.

My ex girlfriend and I shared a love for TVs and stereos. We'd often make an evening's outing of just hanging out at electronics stores.
Unfortunately, the relationship expired after our Best Buy date.

What did the airplane repair frog say to the inventory specialist?
Rivet! Rivet!

A deer ran in front of my car. I slammed the brakes and dropped all $20.00 worth of food I had.
At least I saved one buck.

Why is it called the mall?
Because instead of going on just one store you can go to them all

I ask my girlfriend what she wants for dinner
My girlfriend just got back from spending time in Thailand for a few weeks and I asked her what she would like for dinner. She replied "I am leaning towards Thai." I responded with "I thought you would be Thai-red of that food!"

You don't need an Ancestry DNA kit to find out who your relatives are.
Just tell everyone that you've won the lottery.

I took a job monitoring felines in nepal
My only question is what does a cat man do?