BREAKING: Russia has struck its own submarine with an underwater torpedo in the Atlantic Ocean, killing all 350 aboard
Whoops, wrong Sub!

I recently found out that dad jokes have to use the letter D.
Otherwise, its just a joke.

To whoever it is that stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my Word.

Did you know there's a country in Africa that only uses electric cars?
Yeah, for some reason it's really mad at gas cars.

Me and my buddies started a rock band, and were gonna call ourselves The National Debt.
Were gonna be HUGE!

Do you know why people say "hold your horses"?
It's because they want you to be stable.

I received a blank text from my wife today. When I got home I asked, "why did you send me a blank text?" She replied...
"Because I'm not talking to you."

Someone told me her biological father was a sword enthusiast
I suppose hes had seax

If New York is the city that never sleeps, what is the city that always sleeps?
Ta-coma

Me and my all male buddies just formed a band that only plays hits from female singers.
We're called "Thats What She Said."

What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
A genealogist looks up a family tree,

while

A gynecologist looks up a family bush.

I tried the best I could to convince the female Ski Instructor I was dating to keep our relationship intact
But the conversation snowballed far too quickly.

My wife asked if I ever think back to the one place we used to park and make out.
I said, Of course, but its a lot to ponder.

If having sex for money makes you a whore...
Then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?!

My greatest contribution to humor was when I got a lizard to stand up on its hind legs.
It was the world's first stand up chameleon.

Why are red blood cells always doing something?
Because they RBC

Be careful what you say in the corn maze,
There are ears everywhere.

Why can William Shakespeare never get into the club?
Hes Bard

My wife died Wednesday
Now she's the only colourful one in the Addams Family.

Two chemists walk into a bar
Chemist 1: Ill have H2O please

Chemist 2: Ill have water also

Chemist 1 walks away frustrated as his assassination attempt failed

Did you hear about the government that got overthrown twice?
It was coupcoup.

How expensive are baby chicks?
Cheap! Cheap! Cheap-cheap! Cheap!

I like to talk to oranges
Theyre pretty well rounded

I told Blackbeard he wouldn't be able to urinate anymore.
When he lost his pee he became irate.

How did Luke Skywalker get into the forest?
Ewoks