Christopher Walken wanted to take his wife to a fancy restaurant. He called to see if he needed a reservation
The hostess told him all walk ins are welcomed.

What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman

I told a joke in a video conference but no-one laughed
Guess I am not remotely funny

The smallest state in the US has decided to change the name of all of its traffic medians.
Theyll now be referred to as road islands.

The painter
There was a famous artist in the prime of her career who started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.

After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office.

Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office.

During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?"

The ophthalmologist responded, I said to myself 'Thank God I'm not a proctologist.'"

Blind prostitutes..
You got to hand it to them

Who is Bart Simpson's arch nemesis?
The Bartender

"Come to me" Candle
I was in bed bath and beyond with the missus getting asked if I like the smell of "leather bound book" or "apple fall". I wasn't the only male being dragged through this torment. When one of the guys with his wife pulls out this absolute gem.

He picks up a candle and says to his wife, "look Hun this one is called come to me". He gives it a big sniff and holds it towards her for her to smell and says "does it smell like come to you?"

My wife says I have 2 major faults
I don't listen. And euhm something else

Which country has women with the most amount of meat in their bodies?
Thighland.

The wife asked me should she put the tree up herself this year...
... I said no we should put it up in the lounge!

My wife
I was in the pub this evening having a few jars when one of the lads turned round and said that his wife was an angel, I said youre lucky mate mines still alive.

What do you call a teenager who refuses to grow up?
Constantine.

It's a shame nothing is built in the USA anymore...
I just bought a TV and it said "built-in antenna"

You can say what you want about the deaf...
But they never do as they are told.

This Thanksgiving, Im thankful for maps.
I dont know where Id be without them.

I used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Thankfully I was able to quit cold turkey.

What do you call a duck that steals things?
A Robber Ducky.

The early worm
gets eaten by a bird.

Tornado tried stand-up comedy
but all it did was spin the same jokes over and over. (They still blew the audience away.)

I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldnt tell me why it crossed the road.

What does a pretty lady with five pairs of legs get a lot of?
A ten shin

I can't decide if I want to sell my mattress or keep it.
I think I'll sleep on it.

Why couldn't two elephants go swimming?
They only had one pair of trunks.

I was a the zoo recently and saw 3 dinner rolls in a cage
A nearby sign said they were bread in captivity