In England it's called a lift, but in America it's called an elevator.
I guess people are just raised differently.

A boy is getting ready to take his date to the prom.
First he goes to rent a tux, but theres a long tux line at the store and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and theres a huge flower line there. He waits a long time but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, theres a large limo line at the rental office, but hes patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and theres no punchline.

Three things I love in life are:
Eating my family and skipping commas.

What do you call a little boy who is half French and half Scottish?
A oui lad.

My father advised me to register for my donor card.
A man after my own heart

My husband asked if I knew the name of our galaxy. I said Milky Way. Then I asked if he knew the name of our son.
Its Jack.

I'm thinking of opening a zoo
I'll need 12 koalas, 5 pandas, and at least 1 grizzly. That's the bear minimum

Whats a World Cup players least favorite sweater?
A yellow cardigan.

My wife: "You promised to stop with the Darth Vader quotes after we got married"
Me: "I am altering the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further."

A coma in a sentence can make a huge difference. For instance,
Lets eat, Bob.

has a completely different meaning from

Bob is in a coma.

What you call an airline full of bald people?
Receding Airlines

Why was the archaeologist so depressed?
His career was in ruins !

I drove by the beach last night
I drove by the beach last night and noticed these ladies dancing in a circle wearing black robes around a fire pit chanting. One had a pig and another had a block of cheese. Thats when I realized they were ham and cheese sand witchs.

Why didn't Indiana Jones go into the strip club?
He could clearly see it was a booby trap!

The heat-wave is pretty intolerable, but it's just the start.
If we're not careful it could be a heat-hug next time, maybe even a heat-why-dont-you-come-inside.

Where did detectives hang out after work?
Discovery Zone

I just quit cold turkey.
I dont mind. Warm turkey tastes way better anyways.

I told my buddy I keep all the money I make for myself, he said it was selfish
I said: I dont sell fish, I sell crack!

My ex-wife still misses me.
But her aim is starting to improve.

What do you call a Frenchman attacked by a cat?
Claude

You know what they call it when you can't sleep so you get up and have a midnight snack?
Insom-nom-nom-nomia.

I have a grade C in Spanish.
Or as they would call it, a "yes"

Why are elevator jokes so good?
It's because they work on different levels

Math
Me: I'm scared of the vertical axis

Therapist: Why?

Me: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH

What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?
Traffic Jam