Seventy percent of the earths surface is covered in water and none of it is carbonated
Thats proof that the earth is flat.

Man: Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!
Judge: Repeat infractions?

Man: Fine. 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!

Today is my sons 4th birthday. When he came out of his room this morning, I didnt recognize him at first
It was as if I had never seen him be four

Why can't you give Elsa a balloon?
Because she'll let it go.

A man goes to a dermatologist with a rare skin disease. The doctor says, "Try a milk bath".
So the guy goes to the grocery store and tells the dairy manager he needs enough milk to take a bath. The dairy guys ask "You want that pasteurized?" "Nah", the man replies "Up to my chin should do it."

Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mother carries a photo of only one of them in her wallet.
I guess if youve seen Juan, youve seen Amal.

Which fruit materializes spontaneously?
A pear.

I saw a NSFW ad not too long ago
What a cheeky commercial

Im reading a horror story in braille.
Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.

I met my wife in the glue factory where we both worked.
We bonded immediately.

My career as a stand-up comedian ended when I tried telling jokes about the unemployed
It was clear that none of them worked

The past, the present and the future all walk into a bar
It was tense.

I'm an expert at sleeping.
I can do it with my eyes closed.

Last night I dreamed I had to make a thousand pancakes
I was tossing and turning all night.

If you try to pave your own driveway and something goes wrong..
Its your own asphalt

I prefer the British spelling of "Diarrhea", because...
"Diarrhoea" looks like it's lost control of its vowels.

A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office
He says "doc you have to help me. First I feel I'm a teepee, then I feel I'm a wigwam. Then I think I'm a teepee, and then a wigwam. Teepee, wigwam, teepee, wigwam... What's wrong with me???"

The psychiatrist says "you're too tense."

Why do ships in Norway have barcodes on their hulls?
To Scandinavian

If you put your left shoe on the wrong foot
Its on the right foot

How does a nonbinary ninja attack someone?
They/Them

I always thought I wanted children, but Ive completely changed my mind.
Im not kidding!

Why did the Dalai Lama go to Vegas?
He loves Tibet!

Wandering through the plains, a buffalo encounters a wildebeest peeing in a pond. The buffalo shouts, Hey, dont do that! Thats our drinking water!
Embarrassed at the situation, the wildebeest replies, Im so sorry! I had no idea.

The buffalo kindly answers, Its OK, I forgive you. I can tell youre gnu around here.

I cant believe its gonna take over five years before I can go to space as a tourist.
They said it would be a waitless experience!

Dad where did humans come from?
God made us

But mom said we came from Apes

She's talking about her family, I'm telling you about mine