What do you call a man with a two-inch penis?
Justin

My local supermarket is raising the price of vodka by a penny tomorrow to $20
So tonight I'm gonna party like it's $19.99.

Weve been calling them mashed potatoes this whole time
When we could have been calling them pattoes

You can tell Donald Trump is a self-made man.
He does everything himself. He pisses himself. He shits himself.

He can even go fuck himself.

The teacher calls in a student to have a talk
"Larry I was looking at your essay called 'my dog' and the words in the essay are identical to your sister's essay. Can you explain?"

"Yes," Larry says. "It's the same dog."

what did the fish say when it hit the wall?
dam!

I was told after a vasectomy I wouldnt have kids anymore
imagine my shock when I got home and they were still there!

I showed my son the first computer I had as a child.
He gave me a puzzled look and asked, "How DOS it work?"

What does a hot dog use for protection?
Condoments

I went to school to be a magician, but I flunked out.
Their tests had too many trick questions.

A salesman knocks on the front door of a home
An 8 yr old boy answers the door drinking a beer and smoking a cigar.

The man asks, "Are your parents home?"

The kid replies, "What do you think?"

Not all naval vessels can go under water.
Only a subset of them can.

What do you call a person who eats other people slowly?
A cannibble

If you can't look back at your younger self and realize that you were an idiot...
You're probably still an idiot.

Did you know that you can stop a bank robbery with a bottle of Benadryl?
Its an antiheistamine.

Cheese
What kind of cheese is made backwards?

edam

What do you call a man who fixes windshields for a living?
Chip

Why is it so hard for woman to work in the postal Services?
Because its such a mail dominated industry

The Grill Comparison:
A husband rudely tells his wife, "Your butt is getting so big, its larger than our BBQ grill!" Later that night, he tries to initiate some romance, but his wife immediately shuts him down. When he asks what's wrong, she replies, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?".

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed
after 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evivdence

Times are hard for people on the disability pension at the moment...
I have a friend who is a dwarf and he's struggling to put food on the table....

Patient: I keep thinking Im a dog
Doctor: sit down and tell me more about it

Patient: I cant , Im not allowed to sit on the furniture

Why is it so easy to weigh fish?
Because they have their own scales!

I thought going to the zoo with my wife just to see the new baby deer would be boring.
But it was actually pretty fawn.

A woman named Brittany was placed on a jury trial for murder
The verdict was decided by Brittany's peers.