It finally happened. The legendary Holy Grail of dad jokes occurred at the dentist today.
I was at the dentist's front desk needing to reschedule my appointment.
Receptionist: "How about tomorrow?"
Me: "Sounds good. What time?"
Receptionist: "2:30."
I froze, locked eyes with her, and slowly began to grin.
Me: "Are you serious?"
Receptionist: "Umm... yes?"
Me: "Are you telling me I have a dentist appointment at Tooth Hurty?!"
She completely lost it. I think I've officially peaked as a father.

8 hours of sleep each night, perfect diet, exercise every day, mental health on track, zero alcohol, zero debt and extremely hydrated.
This was my peak. I was 8 years old.

My internship in Helsinki has come to an end
It has Finnished

What do you call a $2 chicken?
Buck buck

Youre paid how often?
More than two jobs and as many decades ago, an employer set us up with a benefit and each of us had to sit with a rep to enroll.

Eventually he got to me, and went through his standard questions, some of them the same response company wide.

Youre paid weekly with a pregnant pause as he knew the answer, and before he could start the next question, I responded,

Yes. Very weakly.

What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire

Did you know that 65 million years ago a lady named Sarah opened the first dinosaur blouse boutique
She called it Try Sarahs Tops

What did baby corn say to momma corn?
Wheres popcorn?

When I was a kid I always wanted a Toyota
I had Han, Luke, 3PO, and R2-D2, but never had Yota.

My wife says I'm pedantic because I take things literally
I corrected her, "No that would make me a kleptomaniac."

My wife said her new gynecologist is a charming Southern gentleman. During her appointment, she asked if she needed to have her breasts screened.
He said, Yes, maammogram.

Dad! I cant sleep. There are monsters under my bed! The father goes to check under his sons bed and finds 2 monsters underneath.
Well, its no wonder you cant sleep, son. You have any idea how much caffeine is in these?

If I owned a DeLorean
I would drive it from time to time

One day this normal guy whenever he farted, it sounded like "Honda." Funny at first, but the doctors found nothing wrong. A few months later while getting his dental cleaning, he kept farting Honda, Honda, Honda
The dentist informs the man he has an abscessed tooth. How do you know asked the farting man?

The dentist responded, we'll every one knows, "Abscess makes the fart go Honda!"

What do you call a professor who's absolutely crazy?
An academia nut!

I got fired from the keyboard factory.
Apparently I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

Went to a Charles Dickens convention, complete sausage fest
It was the best of times, it was the wurst of times

At my physical, the doctor said, Today Im going to give you a rectal screening.
I replied, Good. Anything to keep them mosquitos out.

Gandhi
Gandhi walked all over India, making the soles of his feet very built up. But, due to his diet, he appeared frail. And, hunger strikes affect the enzymes in the mouth, often leading to bad breath.

Combined, this meant Gandhi was a "super-calloused, fragile mystic, plagued with halitosis."

what do you call a lawyer who cooks?
a sue chef

An Orca can swim much faster me, while I can certainly out run the Orca.
So, in a triathlon, it would come down to which of us is the better cyclist.

Happened to my brother.
My brother finished work late one night and caught the last bus home. Sitting on a nearly empty bus with 20 min left in his ride, the bus pulled over to pick up a man waiting at the bus stop.
The man climbed aboard carrying a large, steel, heavy box-fan. He paid his fare and awkwardly made his way to sit in the closest seat he could find. Set the heavy weight down and slumped into his seat breathing heavily. After a number of stops the man pulls the rope signalling he has reached his destination. The bus pulled over the man took a deep breath and hoisted his cargo up and worked his way to the front door to leave. The bus driver looked at him and said, Good luck. Have a good night.
The man looked back at him, smiled and said No worries. Ive got my biggest fan with me!

True story. I cant believe the commitment he needed to pull off that joke. Its simply incredible. I wish I was there to see it happen. Its just brilliant.

Did you know any pen can write underwater?
They can also write other words too!

People who cannot tell the difference between etymology and entomology.
bug me in a way I cannot put into words.

Confucius say...
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.