A grasshopper walks into a bar.
The bartender tells him You know, we have a drink named after you

The grasshopper answers You got a drink named Steve?

What do you call a cop in bed?
Undercover.

How does the Man In the Moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.

Did you hear the Vatican is releasing an online payment system to absolve you of your sins?
They're calling it PaPal.

As soon as I walked in the door, my wife said "You need to do more chores around the house"
"I'm tired" I said. "Can we please change the subject?"

"Okay. More chores around the house need to be done by you."

My son came up with this one: What is a zombies favorite drink?
humani-tea

Why can't fishes find love?
Because love is in the air. Fishes are in the water.

My 9 yr old son said that.

Warning
If you receive an E-mail and in the subject box it says Knock Knock. Do not open it as its from the Jehovahs Witnesss working from home.

I'm not being condescending...
I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

Birds.
They say birds of a feather flock together,

but do you know which birds really stick together?

Velcrows.

Dad jokes
i hate stairs they are always up to something.

What do you get when you cross an Elephant and a Rhino?
Elefino...

A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree.
You cant cut me down, the tree exclaims, Im a talking tree! The man responds,

You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.

I tried to help my son get dressed for a wedding and he refused
"Fine, suit yourself"

What hustles the hardest in the house?
Coffee grinder

What do you call a shoe made from a banana?
A slipper.

Don't you just hate it when people answer their own questions?
I do.

A random guy gave me a sketch of myself yesterday.
I was really happy and said, "It would be even better if we didn't have to do this in a police station."

What do you call it when a bovine turns 200?
Their bisontennial!

One day my sweet mee-maw sat me down and said, You need to stop trying to be like everyone else. Let me tell you about your father when he was younger back on the farm
Wed ask him to help with the wheat, hed say no. Ask him to pitch in with the corn, hed refuse. Tell him to lend a hand with the oats, he just wouldnt have it. And when we tried to get him to work the rice, well hed protest!

I said, Mee-maw, what the hell is the point of this story?

She said, I just wanted you to know your daddy always went against the grain.

What's Old MacDonald's favourite moon?
(E-I-E) Io

I know this is terrible but my son and I were talking about the Jovian moons and that just popped into my head. I was quite proud of it

My wife phoned me in a panic.
"Tom, is it possible to get red wine out of the carpet?" she asked.

"Jesus, how drunk are you?" I said. "Red wine comes from grapes."

I dont know why the ticket agents at the gate made me check in my suitcase full of roadkill meat.
It was carrion luggage.

Did you hear about the new movie about the transgender whale?
Maybe Dick.

Why did the math book look so sad?
Because it had too many problems.