My doctor told me its normal to get aroused and even ejaculate during a prostate exam
Still, I wish he hadnt

Wife: You need to do more chores around the house. Husband: Can we change the subject?
Wife: "Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you".

Difference between a bad hunter and a constipated owl ?
A bad hunter can shoot but can't hit

A constipated owl can hoot but can't.....

What do you call a man with a two-inch penis?
Justin

Our entire calendar is based around when jesus was born
Seriously, we count years starting from his birth, without him we wouldn't have a point to fix our calendar from.

Jesus was born for our since

I didn't like the mirror my wife bought
But after much reflection I think we should keep it

The Coupon Dilemma
A man rushed home to his wife, incredibly proud of himself."Honey, I saved five dollars today! I ran all the way home behind the bus!"

His wife looked at him, shook her head, and sighed."You idiot, why didn't you run behind a taxi and save fifty dollars?"

My local supermarket is raising the price of vodka by a penny tomorrow to $20
So tonight I'm gonna party like it's $19.99.

Weve been calling them mashed potatoes this whole time
When we could have been calling them pattoes

Trees dont seem to have any fun when going to a sawmill
They always come out looking board.

The teacher calls in a student to have a talk
"Larry I was looking at your essay called 'my dog' and the words in the essay are identical to your sister's essay. Can you explain?"

"Yes," Larry says. "It's the same dog."

You can tell Donald Trump is a self-made man.
He does everything himself. He pisses himself. He shits himself.

He can even go fuck himself.

what did the fish say when it hit the wall?
dam!

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed
after 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evivdence

What does a hot dog use for protection?
Condoments

My date asked what I did for work. I told her I get paid to participate in sleep studies. She said, Thats actually really cool!
Im like, Yeah its my dream job.

I was told after a vasectomy I wouldnt have kids anymore
imagine my shock when I got home and they were still there!

I showed my son the first computer I had as a child.
He gave me a puzzled look and asked, "How DOS it work?"

Do you know what would be a good name for a Eugenist or Gene Scientist?
Gene Hackman

A salesman knocks on the front door of a home
An 8 yr old boy answers the door drinking a beer and smoking a cigar.

The man asks, "Are your parents home?"

The kid replies, "What do you think?"

What medieval people hope for before sleeping?
A good knight

Did you hear about the pachyderm that was made up of letters?
Its was an ele-font

I went to school to be a magician, but I flunked out.
Their tests had too many trick questions.

My job is hosting a dating website for insects
Dont judge me.

Im just trying to make ants meet

I was bitten by a snake on holiday in Brazil.
No idea how it organized the trip, tbh.