Apparently you can't use 'beefstew' as a password.
It's not stroganoff.
Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen?
They develop hives...
100 years ago, everyone owned a horse100 years ago, everyone owned a horse
And only the rich had cars.
Now everyone has cars, and only the rich have horses.
The stables have turned.
My kid dropped one on me last night.We're going through the bedtime routine. I had my wife comb my daughter's hair, "Because you'll have tangles and Mommy is better at it than I am."
"Dad, are you afraid of knots?"
'No, I don't think so.'
"So then, you're not afraid."
'Nope.'
"I don't think you heard all of what I said... So, you're (K)NOT afraid?"
Which elicited a full 'HAAH HAAAAH,' from me. I'm so proud of my little joker
The drummer, upset that the band was playing too slow, angrily played faster.
He was having a tempo tantrum.
A little writing advice for this sub: Dad jokes must include the letters D and S.
Otherwise, its just a joke.
I asked the guy selling the Oak Wardrobe if it came with a portal to a fantasy realm.
He said "Sorry, that's really Narnia business"
St. Peter is up in Heaven and walking down the hallway when he passes Gods office, only to find God burying his head in his hands. Whats wrong? St. Peter asks, You look really upset.
I am really upset, God says, Im in love with an atheist and she doesnt even know I exist.
So excited!! Today I went to the OREO website
I hit the Accept all cookies Now we wait.
2 guys were arrested for stealing a calendar
They each got 6 months
The inventors of the brochure have sadly passed away.The inventors of the brochure have sadly passed away.
RIP Pam Flett, and her husband, Lee.
What's the most popular fruit that people scream out when they're stuck in traffic?
Man-go!
What was Adam and Eve's preferred method of payment?
Apple Pay.
What electronic payment service has the Catholic Church started using for donations and tithes?
PaPal.
Why were Tigger and Eeyore staring in the toilet?
They were searching for Pooh.
Just when you thought vegetables couldn't play sports
salad bowls
Father AlvinMinistering to Las Vegas, the Sin City, is a difficult task for any priest, but Father Alvin took to the task with dedication. Occasionally, gamblers would not even bother to cash out at the casino, and would instead deposit chips directly into the collection plate.
This left the priest to having to sort them between the various casinos to then exchange for money, and thus to be able to continue the work of the church - helping the poor and so on. But as his church grew, the Father had to spent more and more time sorting and less time ministering to his church. This led him to write to the dioceses for help.
A local monastery was tasked to aid him. The monks would sort and count, and deliver bundles for turn in to each casino to the Father. The church grew and its good works grew as well, assisting the local community, all due to the good work of Father Alvin and the chip monks.
Why couldnt the rigatoni get into the apartment?
Gnocchis!
Good news! My church asked me to sing solo this Sunday!
Bad news: solo that the congregants around me cant hear me sing.
What do non-binary donkeys use for pronouns?
He/Haw
I finally got over my fear of elevators.
I took steps to get over them.
My neighbour knocked on my door and asked me to play my drum solo...So-lo that he couldn't hear me...
I told him only if he can sing his complaint in tenor...
Ten-or twenty miles away from me.
What's Dr. Dre's favourite zoo animal?
A hip-hop-potamus.
My can opener is broken.
Now it's a can't opener.
A Christmas storyA Little Christmas Story
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found three of them about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out who knows where.
When he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys scattered.
Santa went in the house for a cup of cider and a shot
of rum. When he went
to the cupboard he found the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an extremely frustrated and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa.
Isn't this a lovely day?
I have a beautiful tree
for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.