It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But harder to deter gents.

My wife looked out the window and asked, How did you finally get our lawn to grow like that? I said, Every morning this week, I sprinkled my protein powder on the wet grass.
She nodded. Ah well that was whey over dew.

Rice-shaped pasta? Doesn't exist
Orzo I thought.

I crossed cheetah and crab DNA.
It went sideways really fast.

Whats the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One weighs a ton, and the other is a little lighter

Iamonthemoonandthereisnowheretogetabeer
.

Thereisnospacebar.

Did you hear about the Transformer who's move is to just play dead until the trouble blows over?
Opossumus Prime.

Who designs all the buildings in the oceans?
Sharkitects.

Due to inflation, my ADHD diagnosis has been changed
Now I have ADSD with ads

What's the worst series to make a Lego version of?
One Piece

Why is Apple's new folding phone a cracking good deal?
Because the price is great, but the design is completely unhinged.

Job interview
A guy is interviewing for a job at a factory. During the interview, he spots a dime on the floor across the room, walks over and picks it up.
The interviewer says, "You know what, I think you'd make a great boss here."
Surprised, the guy asks, "Why's that?"
The interviewer says because you have super vision skills.

Grandson joke
He was sooo excited

Grandson. Grandpa! Why do ducks have feathers?

Me. To keep them dry and warm?

Grandson. No- so you dont see their butt quack.

Both of us rolling on the floor laughing

Whats made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones

I started brewing my own beer, Lumberjack
It's a lager

Whats a vampires favorite fruit?
A necktarine!

I made a joke about Sigmund Freud.
But some people are too Jung to understand it.

My neighbor had help from a demon to pickle some cucumbers.
She made a dill with the devil

Whats a good last name for a Bear
Withmeplease

Why do they get excited when the phone rings in Hawaii?
Its always potential spam !

A guy comes into the doctors office with both of his ears burned
The doctor asks, how did this happen. The man says I was ironing and the phone rang, so I mistook the iron for the phone. Puzzled, the doctor asks, well then how did you burn the other ear? The phone rang again says the man.

IT IS MILDLY SHOCKING that those who call themselves a FLORIST,...
...know ABSOLUTELY nothing about installing linoleum.

A male e-reader and a female e-reader went to couples therapy.
In hopes to rekindle that relationship.

Whats the difference between a foot and a yard
You cant shit on your neighbors foot in the middle of the night.