My penis was in the Guinness book of world records...
Then the librarian told me to take it out
A man asked a widow if he could say a word at her husbands funeral. She said "Certainly."He stood up and said "Plethora"
and the woman said "Thanks, that means a lot."
Why doesnt Ronaldo ever have to clean his room?
Because hes not Messi
Dentist: This will hurt a little.Patient: OK.
Dentist: Im having an affair with your wife.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm.
He says, A beer for me, and one for the road.
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don't mind him. He is just a product of our times.
Every once in a while I wake up grumpy
But most mornings I just kiss her on the cheek, go to work, and let her sleep in
Why do sailors eat shellsfish when rain is forecasted?
Its the clam before the storm
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe...A few hours pass and they decide it's time to finish up.
They're extremely drunk and they stand up to leave but the giraffe falls over and passes out.
The man staggers to the door, about to leave by himself, when the bartender stops him and says, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!"
The man stops and slurs, "Don't be silly, that's not a lion, that's a giraffe!"
Back when I was a chef at Neverland Ranch, I almost messed up the recipe when i left out some herbs. Luckily Michael Jackson said to me
Remember the thyme
I told my wife some bird jokes this morning.
But they flew right over her head.
I started a business selling mirrors.
I could really see myself doing it.
Did you hear about the shuttle full of Elvis impersonators that crashed in Las Vegas
No one was hurt but they were all shook up
A woman walks into a gynecologists office. She asks if it will be a routine appointment.
The doctor replied: Dont worry. Im just checking boxes.
A national wide cyber security alert has been issued. If you receive a email with the subject line "Canned meat" .
Do not open it .Its spam
There will be one more Matrix movie where an older Neo finally takes the blue pill.
Its called Matrix Res-erections.
When I inherited part of my dads fortune, I called my sister and asked, Did he give money to you too?
She answered, Why would he do that? He never even listened to their music!
Why does a milking stool only have three legs?Because the cow has the udder.
(I never see this one here - maybe the bots will pick it up.)
How well did B-17s work during World War II?
They bombed.
The fox has a busy schedule.My wife called to tell me she saw a fox on the way to work.
I asked her how she knew it was on its way to work. She hung up on me.
What do you call friends who love maths?
Algebros!
I was asked to run a marathon recently, but said hell no. But my mate told me it was for blind and handicapped kids.
I thought for a while and thought, yeah, why the hell not, I could easily win that race.
I used to work in a factory making clocks
But I got fired for standing around making faces all day
What do you call an iron clad horse?
A knight mare
A guy from the Alps just became mayor
He won by a landslide.