What do you call a Viking who lost his boat?
A Hiking.
What happens when a microscope crashes into a telescope?
They kaleidoscope.
Seen in a food courtI took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next
to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life? Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.
"Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
I was in a taxi the other day and the driver said, Do you mind if I put some music on? I said, Not at all.He said, Kiss?
I said, Lets listen to the music first and see how we feel.
I got my husband pretty goodWe were on a walk, and we passed the site of where a fireworks store once stood. Someone crashed a car into it, and the place exploded and burned down pretty dramatically. All that's left is a slab and some of the flooring.
We were poking around at it out of curiosity, and I pointed at the ground and said, "This must have been a French restaurant at some point."
Him: "What? Seriously? How would you know?"
Me: "Yeah you see these bits of flooring here? That's linoleum blown apart."
He groaned so loudly, people across the street looked up to see what had caused this man such anguish.
Do you know that too much sex can cause you memory loss
I read it on page 14 in a medical journal on the 12th of March 2018 at 7:41 pm shortly After I returned from returning a book to the library that was 21 days past due then went shopping for three apples, a quart of ice cream and an innertube patch on the way home from buying a large milkshake with whip cream from dairy queen and stepped on 2 ants walking into the house
Why's Santa's sack so heavy?
He only comes once a year
Pretty happy with a visual gag dad joke.No screenshots allowed, so I will describe my text chain.
Are you free at 1:00?
I am
No 1 pm
A princess announced to her many suitors that she would marry whoever could bring her the most ping pong balls.The first suitor returned after two weeks with hundreds of horse-drawn carriages filled to the brim. He had managed to find one million ping pong balls, and the princess was quite impressed.
The second suitor, determined to win, spent months at sea, returning with a fleet of massive cargo ships. When they docked, they delivered 100 million ping pong balls. The princess was certain he was the winner.
The third suitor didn't show up for a whole year. When he finally arrived, he was bruised, battered, and covered in scratches. He limped up to the throne clutching a single, heavy brown sack.
The princess laughed and said, "What are you doing? My second suitor brought 100 million balls! You're wasting my time with one little bag."
The man looked up, confused and exhausted, and whispered, "But princess... I thought you said King Kong balls!"
Hacker.
How did the hacker get away from the police?
He ransomware.
My kid wanted to go to the Lego store
I told him no way, people are lined up for blocks over there.
There are beagles, seagulls, and eagles
but no d-gulls.
What do you call a chicken staring at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken Caesa' salad.
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?
He forgot to wrap his Whopper...
I entered my suitcase into a beauty pageant and it came in last place.
Worst case scenario.
My dad always told me that I could be any person I want. But the FBI disagreed with this
Apparently identity theft is a crime.
My wife left me because I have an unhealthy obsession with Africa.
Kenya believe it?!
I finally worked up the courage to ask my blind coworker if she was currently seeing anyone.
She said, No, but I have a boyfriend.
Why didnt the Medium need to cross the road?
She already knew what was on the other side.
You can't plant flowers,
if you haven't botany.
Why was the cook arrested?
He was caught beating an egg.
Do you think Timothy Dalton and Pierce Brosnan hang out?
I can see those two bonding
Saw an opportunity and I took itThere was a Civil War event in my town this past weekend. I was driving by with my wife and I saw someone dressed as Abraham Lincoln standing under a canopy with a sign that said "Information Booth"
I said to my wife "it's a good thing it's not the John Wilkes information Booth"
Blank stare from my wife
*Realization hits*
Wife: "That's terrible"
What does a Skeleton order when it goes into a bar?
A beer and a mop
Why don't moms feed babies with their elbows?
Cause it's a boob job