My kid texted me: I just spilled bleach and baking soda all over the floor. What do I do?? I wrote back: Throw a blanket over it. A minute later he replied: Okay now what?
I said: Nothing. All our bases are covered.
A man walks in a bar and shouts free beers outside!So everyone in the bar, except the bartender, ran outside in excitement.
The bartender, visibly angry, yells at the man what the hell did you do that for? Now i have no customers!!
The man says Sorry mister, i honestly didnt fink any of those men would be brave enough to fight a grizzly beer, let alone free of them
Our local bra store went out of business
I dont know if it went tits up or tits down.
The famous singer Sting has been kidnapped.
The Police have no lead.
Why havent aliens visited our solar system?
The reviews all said one star.
Where would you find a peacock at a grocery store?
Next to the peanuts.
What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We're closed.
How do researchers know that babies are afraid of the supernatural?
Because they cry during their first out-of-body experience!
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin
Whats the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?One is a little heavier and one is a little lighter.
Edit: Better joke wording in comments.
The reputation of people from Florida being dumb isnt right.
Its unfair that 23 million people can ruin things for the other 167 people.
What do Vikings do when they retire
Become pharmacists. Theyre already experienced in pillage.
Reading the willA lawyer meets with the family of a recently deceased millionaire for the reading of the will.
To my loving wife, Rose, who always stood by me, I leave the house, cars, and $5 million, the attorney reads.
To my darling daughter, Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and $1 million.
And finally,
the lawyer concludes, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will. Well, you were wrong. Hi Dan!
What did algebra tell calculus on their date?
Nice curves!
I started going to a Chinese cooking class that is taught by Steven Tyler.
He keeps telling me to "wok this way!"
Police have revealed there has been a number of robberies at a local bowling alley.
Officials believe the criminals are likely to strike again.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a Sex on the Beach. After he has a sip, he spits it out.
He screams at the bartender, "THIS IS F**KING CLOSE TO WATER!"
Just curious, when the Baltimore Ravens football team win games, do they forego the traditional champagne,...and break out a cask of Amontillado?
[This might be considered a Poetic dad joke. Nevermore?]
The worlds largest pickle is going to be displayed at the annual carnival this year
many residents dont understand what all the hype is about while others say Its a big dill.
When my son asked what our IP address was...
I pointed to the toilet.
I told my therapist I had commitment issues.
She agreed to see me again... and I never showed up.
I thought that my foot got caught on something as I was walking, but when I looked, nothing was there.
I must be trippin'.
How do catch a unique rabbit?
You neek up on it...
Cancer is like a dad joke.
Not everybody gets it; but those who get it, wish they didn't.
What do you call a group of toddlers throwing a tantrum
Al Craeda