My kid walked in with his new Middle Eastern friend from next door and said, Dad, guess what? My new friend is WAY cooler than all the other kids on our street!
Kneeling down I said, Buddy, Im excited you two are getting along but you really shouldnt compare Yousef to others.

In today's news, a man accidentally overdosed on Viagra.
The wife is taking it hard.

What is the loneliest cheese?
Provolone.

I went to an Eskimo restaurant
I went to an Eskimo restaurant and asked the waiter about the specials.
He said: 'We've got whale meat, or whale meat, or whale meat... Or we've got the Vera Lynn.' I said 'What's the Vera Lynn?' He said 'Whale meat again.....

What do you call a paper-airplane that doesnt fly?
Stationary

I bought shoes from a drug dealer yesterday
I dont know what he laced them with but Ive been tripping all day.

Why did the insomniac get sent to jail?
He was resisting a rest.

What was the steak knife thinking when he was dating the butter knife?
"She's kinda dull."

A cartoonist was found dead in his home..
The details are sketchy

The sign at the gas station read $4.04
My teen son instantly said 404 error gas price not found. Proud moment.

My wife shouted, "Theres a grizzly in our kitchen! How'd it get in?" I explained, "Honey, it's a long story and you probably won't believe me, but..."
"Bear with me..."

I told mom on Saturday it was smelling kinda cold in the kitchen.
She didn't get it until I reminded her I was making chili. Sadly, she was not amused.

What do you call it when you tie ropes in space?
Astro-knots

What did the cocky owl say about his opponent before his MMA fight?
Who?

I found out that my wife is a ghost
I had my suspicions when she walked through the door.

There was an explosion at the cheese factory
De Brie was everywhere.

I told my wife I would go to all four corners of the earth for her.
Unfortunately the earth is round.

What smells better than it taste?
A Nose

What do you call a bull thats sleeping?
A bull dozer.

What did the Eqyptian mortician say after he was done with the body?
That's a wrap.

Ive resorted to selling shaving kits to support my political campaign.
Honestly, Im getting tired of these fund razors.

Apparently, keeping tropical fish at home has a calming effect on the brain.
Must be all the indoor fins.

What does Lionel Richie wear when hes home alone?
All nylon

I've been shopping around for a new mattress but I can't seem to make my mind up
Think I'll just sleep on it

Why did the vampire go to school to be a plumber?
He is great with drains and he wanted something he could sink his teeth into..