If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep...
That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning

My son asked me "Where does poo come from?"
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.

He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"

Thought my kid would be thrilled when the flight attendant invited him to check out the brand new cockpit before taking off.
Turns out he found it was pretty Boeing.

A Mossberg 500 and a Remington 870 got married...
... It was a shotgun wedding.

What are you at risk for if you have sex in a coffin?
A funereal disease.

My wife is furious with me. She realized I was cheating when she found the letter that I had hidden.
Were never playing Scrabble again.

Walking out of the bathroom...
I asked my daughter if she had a candle.

She said yes, why?

Because I'm a little lighter.

I ate someone else's Middle Eastern dinner
I falafel about it.

I think jokes about aircrafts...
Are just plane wrong.

I going to build an informational web site about Hip Hop Music.
It will be a Wikki-Wikki-Wikki page.

Lamps.
What do you call a medieval lamp ?
A knight light.

I just broke up with my communist girlfriend.
I should have seen the red flags.

I didnt want to believe that my son was stealing from his new job at the department of transportation
But when i got home, there were many signs

What's another name for Dracula's castle in Transylvania?
The Vampire State Building.

Why does Yoda like sheep?
Cuz Dagobah. (They go baa!) I will see myself out.

Calling a Pizza shop
Me: Hello do you deliver?

Pizza guy: yes we deliver.

Me: Id like one large pizza.

Pizza guy: one large pizza.

Me: with Liver and pineapple.

Pizza guy: what dont do liver and pineapple on a pizza.

Me: well you said you do liver.

Pizza guy: I said we deliver you bastard!!

RIP boiled water....
You will be mist.

What do you get when you combine Mother Superiors wardrobe with a Sears battery?
Old habits Diehard

I bought shoes from a drug dealer. I dont know what he laced them with.
Ive been tripping all day.

What do you call pairs of slacks that play sports?
Partici-pants!

There are rumors, that Elon Musk will buy "Jack Daniels".
I think that would be a whiskey investment.

I thought the ice was safe, but I was wrong.
Now you know what I've been through.

I told my wife I bought her a hoodie that says DAD JOKES. She rolled her eyes. You cant be serious.
I said, Babe, relax I got you the perfect sighs.

"Polyphony Digital" has just released a racing simulation dedicated to pensioners and other slow drivers.
It's called "Granny Turismo".

Attila's female warriors and other women in his empire were melting every time he addressed them.
Because he was calling them Hun.