My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3 years, when we separated, she returned exactly a $100.
I lost interest in that relationship.
A woman comes home from a doctor's appointment absolutely beaming.Her husband looks up from the TV and asks, "Why are you so happy?"
"Well," the wife says, "the doctor told me that for a forty-five-year-old woman, I have the physical attributes and spirit of an eighteen-year-old!"
The husband snorts and says, "Oh yeah? And what did he have to say about your forty-five-year-old rear end?"
She smiles sweetly and says, "Actually, your name never came up in the conversation."
Do you know how rare it is for a cow to get hit by lightning?
Medium rare.
Two wind turbines are standing in a field. One asked the other, "What's your favorite kind of music?"
The other replies, "I've always been a huge metal fan."
What do you call an Irish grandmother with heart issues?
Angie OGram
Captain Kirk was going to release a line of lingerie
But the marketing people told him that Shatner panties probably wouldn't sell all that well.
26 doors, each with a letter of the alphabet. Which one has the ewoks?
"N" door
Do you know what a Wok is..?
A Wok is what you throw at a Wabbit when you dont have a Wifle.
Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar?
He got 12 months.
I took my dog to a playground by mistake instead of a dog park.
The staff said dogs werent allowed but this time theyd let it slide.
Is Buttcheeks one word?
Or, should you spread them apart?
Two old friends on a park benchTwo old friends, Earl (80) and Frank (87), were sitting on a park bench one morning.
Frank had just finished his morning walk around the park and didnt even look winded.
Earl was amazed and asked, Frank, how do you have so much energy at your age?
Frank grinned and said, Simple I eat rye bread every single day.
It keeps your energy up and gives you great stamina with the ladies.
On his way home, Earl stopped by the local bakery.
The young woman behind the counter asked, Can I help you, sir?
Earl said, Yes maam do you sell rye bread?
Of course we do, she replied. How many loaves would you like?
Earl thought for a moment and said, Better make it five loaves.
The baker looked surprised and said, Five loaves? By the time you get to the third one, itll be hard.
Earl muttered under his breath, Well Ill be I cant believe everybody already knows about this.
Who's your favorite ocean-based singer-songwriter?
Mine's Kylie Minnowgue.
What does a mortician and an electrician have in common?
They're both shocked when they touch a live one.
What do you call a female police officer who plays the guitar
Sheriff
If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN
they become VERY ANGRY.
What type of gates to you get in Germany?
V- Gates
Why is coffee always getting into trouble?
Cos its not tea
Why do Mimes never go to jail
They get off without a sentence
I heard a reporter on Sky News say, At least one person killed in suicide bomb attack.
Yeah, obviously!
Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
Pagliachi feels a lot of pain when he sits down, and he's worried he has hemorrhoidsHe goes to the hospital, and the attendant says
'Please state your medical request and your name'
He replies
'Butt doctor, I am Pagliachi'
A man who was in court for stealing a bag was sentenced in just 3 minutes
It was a briefcase.
My alarm that looked like my grandfather recently broke.
Its a dead ringer.
If you want a job in the lotion industry, the best advice I can give you
Is to apply daily.