Im auditioning for a NSFW play, but I dont want anyone I know to hear my monologues
Those are my private parts

Did you know Elon Musk was named after Genghis Khan?
Yeah! Approximately 809 years after!

Do you really have to lick the knife? a woman asked the man standing next to her.
Whoops! Sorry! Force of habit, he answered, chuckling. Lots of people do it though, don't they?

Yes, she replied, but not during surgery, doctor.

After my wife got in the bath, I asked her why she is in trouble?
Confused, she replied "What do you mean?"

"Well", I said, "you are currently in hot water!"

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backward?
A receding hare line.

I took the airline to court for losing my bags
I lost my case

"Do you have any favorite books?"
"Yes, 1984"

"Wow, so many!"

What has nine arms and sucks?
Def Leppard.

Did you hear about the troupe of mimes who were arrested?
They committed unspeakable acts.

I recently switched the labels on my wife's spice rack.
She hasn't noticed yet, but the thyme is cumin.

My wife told me "You smell!"
Yes, I use my other senses too!

I once dated and then broke up with the Invisible Woman
I don't know what I saw in her.

Some jerk stole my thesaurus like a jerk.
What a jerk.

The Grim Reaper is pansexual.
Death comes for us all.

I'll tell you what I know about dwarfs...
... very little.

What do you call a group of condoms performing music together?
A rubber band.

Was going to make a carpentry joke
but I wasn't sure it woodwork.

I couldnt figure out what my parents did before the Internet.
I gave it a lot of thought and I couldnt figure it out. So I called my siblings to ask them. And not a single one of the 26 of them could figure it out either.

Why are Saturday and Sunday strong?
Because all the other days are week days.

My uncle is a farmer, he works hard but complains a lot. The market for beef is bad, apples, cabbages, potatoes
I told him to grow a pear

f(x) walked into a bar.
The bartender said, "Sorry, we don't cater for functions."

A farmer was in the hospital because of severe dehydration
His neighbor sent him a card that said "Get well soon."

I asked Mike Tyson about his metallic crystal collection. He told me...
...to mind my own Bismuth.

Wow... everyone at work called off sick today...
Turns out it was a staff infection.

The guy who stole my diary has died.
My thoughts are with his family.