What did Sean Connery say after he built his bookshelf wrong?
Im ashamed of my shelf.

What do you call two cops having sex?
Copulation

Anyone remember the chiropractor joke I put on here?
It was about a week back?

I got fired from my job at the Pepsi factory...
...when I tested positive for Coke!

There are no canaries in the Canary Islands. Same with the Virgin Islands
There are no canaries there either

Abe.
Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.

Oh yeah? the son retorts.

Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.

3 golf clubs walk into a bar.
The Putter orders a beer, the Wedge orders a whisky.

The Bartender asks the 3rd one if he wants anything.

He replies, "No thanks, I'm the Driver,"

What is it called when the lead singer of Rise Against is studying when his wife is having a baby?
Re-education (through labor)

What's the difference between Excel and a proctologist?
One is for spreadsheets and one spreads cheeks.

What animal has the most credit card debt?
The bull! Because he is always charging.

What's Michael Jacksons favorite drink?
Tea-Heeee

Whats the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?
Attire

My mom & dad are both 70 years old.
But on the day my dad was born, my mom was twice his age. How?

(Dad joke riddle. Stumped my kids.)

What's the most generous country in the world?
Donation.

What's the most generous town?

Generosity

What do you call a woman who lights fire to all her bills?
Bernadette.

Why do serious brisket smokers prefer the whole brisket?
Just smoking the flat is pointless.

I saw a sheep in a swimsuit driving an expensive car.
It was a lambikini.

Just found out theres no popcorn in popcorn shrimp.
Just found out there's no popcorn in popcorn shrimp.
Guess there's no reason to try pot roast.

I for one
I, for one, like Roman numerals

Inflation is so bad...
That I'm downgrading from LGBTQ+ to LGBTQ with ads.

Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it got mugged.

What goes well with peanut butter during rush hour
Traffic jam

In the late 1700s, only one tailor in Paris was allowed to makes robes for the local magistrate. So, if a judge needed robes...
He'd go Robes Pierre.

I used to be a banker.
But I lost interest.

What did baby Mr T say after swimming?
"I Piddled the Pool!"