In England it's called a lift, but in America it's called an elevator.
I guess people are just raised differently.

What is the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a tricycle.
Attire

I told my boss there was a hole in the women's bathroom door
He said, "I'm going to look into that right away!"

When women get to a certain age, they start collecting dogs and cats
It's called manypaws

I'm developing a game where you have to go back to assassinate Adam.
It's a first person shooter.

What do you call a magic dog?
A Labracadabrador.

Did you hear the new name for iPhone chargers?
Apple juice.

I asked my dad what a "sale" is
He explained the concept and then I said: "Thank you so much. It's means a great deal to me"

How can you tell when a man is ready to be a dad?
If his girlfriend or wife says "I'm pregnant" and he says "Hi pregnant i'm dad"

Daughter and I were getting cookies last night
Shes concentrating really hard on picking the perfect pair of cookies for hers at the kiosk

me: Hey, I mustache you a question

her: (without looking) thats terrible, you dont even have a mustache.

me: I mustache you to look again

me: (holding a mustache sticker up to my face)

her: (cracks up, despite her best efforts) How long have you been hiding that sticker

me: Id rather not say, itll shave me some embarrassment

her: ... ok. that was actually pretty good

What did Russell Crowe say when he found out about Armie Hammer being a cannibal?
What do I care? Im Gladiator

Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but no lighter
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the entire boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

What pasta shape is forbidden from the broadway theater awards show?
Rigatoni.

The World Cup is great but have you seen 2 baby cows play football?
It's a game of two calves.

Im about to say something shocking.
Electricity

How do you fix a broken tomato?
Tomato paste.

What do you call a flying nun?
​

A bird,

a plane,

Superman.???

.

.

.

.

.

Nope

You call her none of the above

Edit: Nun*

Why did the lawyer install a scratching post?
So he can exercise his clause.

I met Jim Varney's proctologist.
Good guy. Did his job in Ernest.

My Pa is very good at inflating balloons.
His name is Pablo.

Wheels for my car keep getting more expensive
And I'm tired of paying for it!

Whats worse than raining cats & dogs?
Hailing taxis

Why did the rooster refuse to fight?
He was chicken!

Why should you never fight a dinosaur?
You'd get jurassic'd.