Why did Cinderella get kicked off the baseball team?
She ran away from the ball

Magician.
There was a Mexican magician. He said hell disappear on the count of three. He said uno, dos, *poof* he disappeared without a tres.

Why does Sherlock Holmes always get a tax refund?
Hes a master of deduction!

An Irishman went into a department store and asked the sales assistant:
Do you sell potato clocks?

Im sorry, sir, she replied, Ive never heard of such a thing. We sell digital clocks, alarm clocks, carriage clocks, cuckoo clocks and even grandfather clocks, but what exactly is a potato clock?

I dont know either, replied the Irishman,

but I start my new job at nine tomorrow, and my wife said to me:

Youd better get a potato clock.

f(x) walks into a bar
The bartender said: Sorry, we don't cater for functions."

I had this patient whose wife tried to cut off his penis and missed cutting his thigh instead.
She was still charged, with a missed-a-wiener.

Im so sick of my new phone. Autocorrect keeps changing Surely to Shirley
Must be stuck in Airplane Mode

The symphony performance was cancelled...
...very disconcerting

Dad Joke "Book Titles"
Growing up, I remember my Dad had a bunch of fake books and authors that were the height of Dad jokes...

I'm positive this is an actual "genre" of Dad joke and others out there must have more to add, so I'll start with my 2 favorites that I remember and let's see if we can create a whole Dad Joke Library...

"The Yellow River" by I.P. Freely

"The Tiger's Revenge" by Claude Balls

Shout out to my grandma
Because that's the only way she can hear

What can be done for a person who is becoming invisible?
Put him in the ICU

I asked my wife if she wanted to role play as a CPA for tax day
She said she wasnt intuit

My waiter asked me how I like my steak
So I told him I like my steak like me winning a argument with my wife

So the waiter said "rare it is"

Who is Frosty's favourite Aunt?
Aunt Arctica

Breaking news: Ikea charged with tax evasion...
But the IRS can't build a good case

Oh, no! Our neighbor died!
Who, Ray?

Honey, it's not the appropriate time to cheer.

My Doctor said I should limit my drinking to special days only.
My Psychologist said I should make every day a special day.

Its not my fault that they dont talk to each other

What do cows like to read?
Cattle-logs

What did the dad say when he put the car in reverse?
This takes me back

Just ignore the tin foil hat I guess
A guy goes to the psychiatrist only wearing shorts made of Glad wrap. The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

"t" and "g" are really close on the keyboard...
That's why I've learned my lesson and I'm never going to sign off my emails with "regards" ever again.

Do you have holes in your underwear?
If you said no, then how do you get your legs through?

What did the Mexican kid say when they cancelled Looney Tunes?
Porque pig.

Two German Egyptologist named Dieter and Hans are excavating a tomb and have just opened the sarcophagus; but its empty!!!
Dieter says Look Hans, no mummy!!.

I'm a ventriloquist without a dummy
According to the doctor the technical term is "schizophrenic".