As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said:
You know one wouldve been enough.

My buddy set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby."
I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper...

TIL the movie Hereditary was named as such because of how certain things are passed thru bloodlines
not because her head hit a tree

Bought one of those smart light switches but it was much too clever
So I replaced it with a dimmer switch

Whats the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken

On the first day of our family trip up the coast of Maine, my son pointed and said, Dad, look! Theres a lighthouse!
I said, No, son its actually pretty heavy.

Alcohol and calculus should never mix.
Dont drink and derive

Im moving from the US to Europe and my friend asked if my new house has a yard. I said no
It has a meter.

Most people are shocked
Whenthey find out how bad i am as an electrician

When I was a kid, I could walk into a store with $1 and walk out with 4 candy bars.
Now they have cameras everywhere.

"That's a nice ham you got there." The butcher said...
"Would be a shame if I put 's' in front of it and 'e' at the end..."

My local bird sanctuary banned me from telling dad jokes.
The last one killed two birds with one groan.

I told my wife Ill surprise her on her birthday
She was surprised when I came back home with no gift

Which radio station does Sisyphus listen to?
Non-stop rock

I shoplifted a hat and forgot to take the label off.
Now I've got a price on my head.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids werent much to look at either.

I am not saying I'm attractive
But when I take off my clothes in the bathroom.... I turn the shower on

If you see a crime at an apple store.
Does that make you an iWitness?

Paraguay?
Looks more like 11 guys to me

Is it just me, or is everyone on this sub good looking?
Nope. Guess it's just me.

Why Should You Never Marry a Tennis Player?
Because Love means nothing to them

my arm was red and itchy so i kept scratching it all day
it was a rash decision

I lost my job because of illness and fatigue.
My boss was sick and tired of me.

I tried to get a loan to write a book about trigonometry
But I couldnt get anyone to cosine

I tell people I'm good at Gen Z slang
but my kids think I'm full of cap