My boss is threatening to fire the employee who has the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.

Why aren't French fries actually cooked in France?
Because they are cooked in Greece

What does it sound like when a vampire sneezes?
Nosfer-AACHOO!

In other news...
...the sexual position formerly known as 69 will be replaced with 96.

Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up.

What's the price difference between a beer nut and a deer nut?
A beer nut costs 4.99 and a deer nut is under a buck

My dog just swallowed some coins!

Very worried, I'm monitoring him closely, but there's still no change.

Where do hamsters come from?
Hamsterdam

My father always said, "When one door closes another one opens."
He was a terrific father and a terrible cabinet maker.

Teacher: "What do you mean, you ate your homework? Why would you do this?"
Student: "Because you said, it would be a piece of cake!"

What is the difference between a Vietnamese restaurant and an Indian restaurant ?
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What do you call an undead being that doesn't care whether it eats women or men?
A ZomBi

Who was the most polite leader in world history?
Yessir Arafat

I saw an army of babies marching down the street.
It had to be the infantry.

My son had just ordered some Chinese food and I asked him what he had...he said 'chicken balls'
I said 'I meant for dinner'

What did the sushi say to the Bee?
Wasbi!

I bet youve never had a hamburger on an airplane. Right?
Because its ground beef.

I knew a cop with epilepsy once
He worked in search and seizure

How much does a pirate pay for 100 ears of corn?
$103.14. A buck an ear, plus the pi-rate tax!

Friends.
My friend keeps saying 'cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.

I got one of those switch boxes for my CRT TV, so I can connect 8 retro consoles to it at once.
Total game changer.

How would you scare a bee!?
BOO-BEES!

What's the best mountain to go take a nap on?
Mount Ever-rest

The country with the largest number of parks in the world is Korea.
As a matter of fact, I'm good friends with five of them.

What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing, it just waved

I stormed out of the diner when they said they were out of bread.
I am lack toast intolerant.