I used to think orthopedic shoes were overrated.
I stand corrected.
Why did the blind man fall into the well?
Because he couldn't see that well.
I told my doctor that I think I'm losing my hearing.The doctor asked what are the symptoms?
I said they are a cartoon family with Homer and Marge.
My son was going out with a tennis player.
I told him she was the wrong girl for him. He asked why, I said "to a tennis player, love means nothing".
Pavlov Walks Into a Hotel ...
To summon the front desk clerk he rings the bell. He then snaps his fingers in frustration and says, "Damn! I forgot to feed the dogs."
What do you call a bird with a bad cough?
A phlegmingo
Dad: I used to hate facial hair Mom: Please dont.Dad: but then it grew on me.
Mom: Unlike your retirement account.
One of the seven dwarves broke in last night and stole all my anti-depressants.
I hope hes Happy.
What fruit did Romeo and Juliette eat?
Cantelope.
What kind of underwear does Donald Trump wear, boxers or briefs?
Mmmmm. Depends
A lion would never drink and drive.
But a tiger wood.
"Dad? Can you explain me, what a solar eclipse is?"
"No sun."
My son asked what the problem with sirloin is
I told him we don't like the nobility
A man claims he has the smartest dog in the world. His friend doesnt believe him.Prove it, the friend says.
The man points to his dog and says, Go get me something to eat.
The dog runs off and comes back with a sandwich.
Lucky guess, says the friend.
The man tries again: Go get me something to drink.
The dog runs off and comes back with a soda.
The friend is impressed but still skeptical.
Alright ask him something harder.
The man nods and says, Whats on top of a house?
The dog barks, Roof!
The friend laughs. Thats it? Any dog could do that!
The dog looks at him and says,
You wanted me to say shingles?
How is infinity so large?
It's just an 8 that fell asleep.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and hung up.
Im getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
To whoever stole my camo jacket and my flip flops-
You can hide, but you cant run
Why does Satan enjoy tennis?
Because Love means Nothing
A man walks into a bar with a frog on his head. Bartender says "what the hell is that"
The frog replies" I don't know it started as a bump on my ass"
Werner Heisenberg and Erwin Schrodinger are speeding down a deserted Nevada highway in a black Cadillac at 120 miles per hour. Georg Ohm is in the back seat.Eventually a Nevada state trooper pulls them over. The trooper walks up and says, "do you fellas know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg says "no, but we can tell you our location at the time."
The trooper tells them he needs to inspect the vehicle. He circles around back, pops the trunk, and finds a body inside.
The trooper comes back to the passenger window, gun drawn, and shouts: "Did you know there was a dead body in that trunk?"
Schrodinger rolls his eyes and says: "Well yeah... now we do..."
The trooper calls for backup and all three men are taken into custody. Heisenberg and Schrodinger went quietly, but Ohm resisted.
Kitten as a prizeDid you hear about the supermarket sweepstakes that promised to offer kittens as the prizes to winners?
It was a catastrophe.
Dad joke in the wild
We had just finished making a homemade marinade. My gf said, Oh I wish I started the marinade earlier, or even started it yesterday.
I said, Dont worry theres plenty of thyme. Holding up a sprig of thyme.
She rolled her eyes. Then I grabbed a spice and showed it to her, you knew that joke was cumin.
Whenever I get insecure around pretty girls I reach into my pocket to grab a tiny rock.
Then I feel a little boulder.
Will glass coffins be successful?
Remains to be seen
My Grandpa lost his dentures
Now it takes him an hour to eat Minute Rice