Why is sex like math?
You add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray you dont multiply.

When I asked my friend, who works in IT, How do you make a motherboard?, he explained...
I usually tell her about my job.

Hoover Dam PSA
Not a joke, but just returned from the Hoover Dam tour with my son, and it was endless Dad jokes like on National Lampoon's Vacation.
"Take all the dam pictures you want", "Let's get in the dam elevator", "Should we get a drink from the dam water fountain",etc.
Endless opportunities!

Do you want to see The Odyssey?
You Odyssey deez nuts!

Ive been dropping this joke to my friends over text asking if they want to see the Odyssey and then when they say yes giving this as a reply.

Its the dumbest joke and has absolutely started off my weekend on an amazing vibe.

Hey I saw this chicken at the gym...
....it was working on it's pecs

The guy who stole my diary died yesterday.
My thoughts are with his family.

What is it called when a chameleon can't change colour?
A reptile dysfunction

My daughter was doing history homework and asked me what I knew about Galileo
I said he was just a poor boy from a poor family.

(My 19 yo daughter just made this up and Im so proud!) How can you tell if you are having dinner with a termite?
They order the house salad.

I went on a date the other day with a woman who works at the zoo and I tell you....
....she's a keeper

Why are there so few comics who do stand-up over Zoom?
Theyre not even remotely funny.

I won an award for most modest person.
But I don't think I can accept.

My half brother and I
arent allowed to play with chainsaws anymore

My grandfather worked as an elevator repairman for over 30 years. I thought of doing the same thing and asked him if he enjoyed it.
He said It had its ups and downs. Some days someone was always pressing your buttons but overall it was an uplifting job.

How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of crime?
They just ransomware

Mountains are not funny
They are hill areas

I Hate McDonalds
Theyre my arch nemesis!

Did you know Mozart killed all of his chickens?
It's because whenever he asked them who their favorite composer was, all they'd say was Bach! Bach! Bach!

My father worked 12 hours every day just to put food on the table.
Amazing man, but slowest cook ever.

My dad wasnt the worlds greatest proctologist
But he was right up there

Why dont skeletons ever have sex?
Because they dont have the guts but they still get boned every night.

I accidently glued myself to my autobiography.
That's my story and im sticking to it !

I never realized that cookie factory tours could be so dangerous
They made me sign a wafer

How do you turn a duck into a 1970s Soul Singer?
Put it in the oven until its bill withers

Have you heard about MI6 having a new programme to recruit janitors?
Rumour has it that they're looking for sweeper agents