Why was the gay lawyer so popular?
He got a lot of guys off
A phlebotomist, a physical trainer, and a wedding cake designer formed a band
Theyre called Blood, Sweat, and Tiers
My friend Jay just had twin daughters and wanted to name them after himself.
I suggested Kaye and Elle.
Did you hear about the mathematician whos scared of negative numbers?
Hell stop at nothing to avoid them.
This is a message to the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office.
I will find you. You have my Word.
What happens to Mariah Carey if everybody hates her?
She becomes Pariah Carey
British lords once debated for hours after dinner what to call their warriors
Eventually they called it a knight.
Someone insulted my honor for being foreign born, so I got naturalized to fight him.
Now Im a duel citizen.
My friends telling me I need to understand the female gaze better to get a girlfriend
But I thought those were lesbians?
At first, I didn't think a brain transplant could ever work.
But recently, I've changed my mind.
5 in seven people think my jokes are too divisive
The remainder find them funny
My wife texted from workHerAre you watching that new serial killer documentary on Netflix?
MeI amjust started episode 3
HerGreat, pause it at 21 minutes and 8 seconds
MeOk, paused, its at the crime scene in the living room
HerRight! Do you see the blood spatter on the wall near the fireplace?
MeYeah, its pretty gruesome
HerLook just to the left of the fireplace mantledo you see where the natural light is hitting the wall?
MeYes
HerThats the exact shade of sage green I want for the guest bathroom
You cannot tell the complete history of Japan.
You can only Samurais it.
I hear they've just named a new Constellation after Fred Flintstone
They found it after looking through the Rubble telescope
How do you think I keep my car so shiny?Polish?
Sorry. Jak mylisz, jak mog utrzyma mj samochd tak lnicy?
How much does a rainbow weigh?
Almost nothing, it's pretty light.
What do you do with a Lego hospital?
Plastic surgery.
A young man was not having much success in dating women, so he went to the library to find a book on romance. He checked out one called "How to Hug." It wasn't much help.
It turns out he checked out volume 14 of an encyclopedia.
What do you call a sick bird who just robbed a bank?
An ill-eagle!
If Mick Jagger and Keith Richards were both killed by a rampaging ostrich...
...would that be a case of killing two Stones with one bird?
My waiter at a fancy restaurant looked confused when I asked if they could put the roasted mallard on top of the caviar.
When he asked Why? I said, Im trying to get my ducks in a roe.
What has a bank but no money?
River
What nationality are you when you're in the bathroom?
Euro-peein
A police officer came to my house and asked me where I was between 5 & 6.
He seemed irritated when I answered:
"Kindergarten"
Kids that eat their boogers
Are picky eaters