My boyfriend told me I have a terrible sense of direction, I got really mad at him.
So I packed up my stuff and right.

What does DNA stand for?
National dyslexia association

I could never tell time, so I had a neurosurgeon implant a clock in my brain.
But now Im having second thoughts.

Don't stoop to someone's level when they call you fat.
You're bigger than that.

Sex in a canoe is like American beer
its fucking close to water.

l just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don't care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

My new sweater had a lot of static so I had to return it.
The shop gave me a new one free of charge.

Ive been struggling to quit heroin
All my attempts have been in vain.

What's the difference between a sock and a camera?
A sock takes five toes.
A camera takes photos.

yeah

My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet
Its really made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean

Who can drink 5L of petroleum and stay perfectly in good health?
Jerry can!

My friend sent me message he wrote with his left hand.
He's up to something sinister.

I just saw a group of recumbent cyclists ride past me
They seem like a pretty laid-back bunch of guys

This isnt even a joke. It literally just happened in real life.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she'd been with.
She said, Yes, all the others were nines and tens.

Did you hear about the witch whose bbq grill exploded?
She was burned at the steak

What does GPS stands for
Grandpa's preferred shortcut

I have the breast pillow ever!
It's made of mammary foam.

At dinner, my date showed me her car tattoos. Chevy on my right arm, classic Ford on my left, Toyota on this thigh, Tesla on the other, and check out my belly button!
I said, Oh wow, its an Audi! She said, Yep, a few inches above my Volvo.

Granny's Birthday card.
I'll always remember my grandmother crying when I gave her her 100th birthday card.

She said "Seriously one would have been enough."

I dont care what anyone says, Im allowed to cook Eastern European dumplings if I want to.
Its my pierogitive.

There a sale on at the pet shop
Budgies are going cheap

The neighborhood kids knocked on Jefferys door.
Jefferys mom answered the door and the kids asked can Jeffery come out and play baseball with us?

Jefferys mom says now boys, you know that Jeffery has no arms and no legs, and theres no way he can play baseball with you.

One of the boys replied we know. We wanted to use him as second base.

Have you ever heard about a twisting type of corsage?
It wrings a belle

I had a date last night. It was PERFECT.
Today I'll have a banana.