Why was the gay lawyer so popular?
He got a lot of guys off

At first, I didn't think a brain transplant could ever work.
But recently, I've changed my mind.

My friend Jay just had twin daughters and wanted to name them after himself.
I suggested Kaye and Elle.

My wife texted from work
HerAre you watching that new serial killer documentary on Netflix?

MeI amjust started episode 3

HerGreat, pause it at 21 minutes and 8 seconds

MeOk, paused, its at the crime scene in the living room

HerRight! Do you see the blood spatter on the wall near the fireplace?

MeYeah, its pretty gruesome

HerLook just to the left of the fireplace mantledo you see where the natural light is hitting the wall?

MeYes

HerThats the exact shade of sage green I want for the guest bathroom

Someone insulted my honor for being foreign born, so I got naturalized to fight him.
Now Im a duel citizen.

A young man was not having much success in dating women, so he went to the library to find a book on romance. He checked out one called "How to Hug." It wasn't much help.
It turns out he checked out volume 14 of an encyclopedia.

How much does a rainbow weigh?
Almost nothing, it's pretty light.

British lords once debated for hours after dinner what to call their warriors
Eventually they called it a knight.

A police officer came to my house and asked me where I was between 5 & 6.
He seemed irritated when I answered:
"Kindergarten"

My waiter at a fancy restaurant looked confused when I asked if they could put the roasted mallard on top of the caviar.
When he asked Why? I said, Im trying to get my ducks in a roe.

Kids that eat their boogers
Are picky eaters

I have been reading up on decolonization
Honestly, its unsettling.

A fisherman and his wife welcomed their twin sons into the world. For a while, they struggled to come up with names for the boys, but one day they noticed that one boy was always looking toward the sea, the other away, so they named their sons Toward and Away.
A few years later, when the boys were old enough, the fisherman decided to teach them the family trade. So he packs up the boat, kisses his wife goodbye, and goes out to sea with his sons.

Years pass without their return. One day, at the market, the wife sees a man she recognizes as her husband. She asks him.

"Where are the boys?"

"Oh, it was horrible!" The father exclaimed, distress in his voice. "Just days after we left, Toward caught a huge fish. But the fish was relentless and fought back. They wrestled on the waves for days, before Toward's strength failed him, and the fish swallowed him whole!"

"Oh god!" The wife exclaims, "That's horrible!"

"You think that's bad?" The father asks, "You shoulda seen the one that got Away."

What do you call a sick bird who just robbed a bank?
An ill-eagle!

You know how people dealt with excess humidity before they had electricity?
People had to use dehumidifires back then.

My daughter made this up yesterday. A baby cow drank milk from a cow that wasn't his mother.
His mother said, "How dairy!"

I named my dog Gilligan because he has, well, he has a VERY noisy wagger!!
So just sit right back and you'll hear a tail...

Cottage cheese isnt really cheese
Just a curd to me

Why are gay dating sites so popular?
Because one man's junk is another man's treasure

How come China and the USSR never had good soccer teams?
Their players draw too many red cards.

You cannot tell the complete history of Japan.
You can only Samurais it.

Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow.

Been getting really into watering the new landscaping
My wife doesnt think its funny when I say Im going outside to run through some hose

This is not my first rodeo, i said and...
...a man replied "this is a petting zoo, get off the goat"