Bought one of those smart light switches but it was much too clever
So I replaced it with a dimmer switch

My buddy set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby."
I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper...

"That's a nice ham you got there." The butcher said...
"Would be a shame if I put 's' in front of it and 'e' at the end..."

Most people are shocked
Whenthey find out how bad i am as an electrician

I am not saying I'm attractive
But when I take off my clothes in the bathroom.... I turn the shower on

If you see a crime at an apple store.
Does that make you an iWitness?

On the first day of our family trip up the coast of Maine, my son pointed and said, Dad, look! Theres a lighthouse!
I said, No, son its actually pretty heavy.

Is it just me, or is everyone on this sub good looking?
Nope. Guess it's just me.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids werent much to look at either.

Why Should You Never Marry a Tennis Player?
Because Love means nothing to them

I tried to get a loan to write a book about trigonometry
But I couldnt get anyone to cosine

I lost my job because of illness and fatigue.
My boss was sick and tired of me.

[NSFW] Wifey told me she tried anal with a baguette.
Apparently it was a pain in the ass.

My neighbor asked if I wanted to come over and see his new chocolate lab.
I said, No thanks Ive never cared much for candy science.

TIL the movie Hereditary was named as such because of how certain things are passed thru bloodlines
not because her head hit a tree

I think its a great idea to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit.
But thats just my two scents.

I can answer any question. Any question in the world!
What? No you can't! I can think of plenty of things you can't answer!

Yes I can. I can answer ANY question!

Oh yeah? what is the capital of Liechtenstein?

I don't know.

I saw a film that was G, PG-13, and R all at once.
That movie was so overrated.

Microsoft had the holo-lens, Google had the Google glass
Apple missed the mark with naming theirs. Should have been iBrowse

Do you know what it's called when an illness copies the symptoms of the black death?
Plague-rism

The Argentinian football team was checking out of their hotel. All the players' rooms were neat except one.
It was Messi.

I won't do airplane jokes anymore.
Last time I tried one, it didn't land well.

What happened in 1980s that caused global warming to increase so rapidly?
I was born. And became hotter every year...

How do you call an animal doctor that is specialized in fish?
Weterinarian

My wife came up with a groaner today: what is a banshee's favorite country artist?
Waylon Jennings