A man was caught stealing viagra.
Police say hes facing hard time.
On my first day as a police officer, I couldnt figure out how to put the car in reverse. It was so embarrassing!
I had to call for backup.
I saw a Korean martial artist holding out a basket of donuts. When I asked to take 2, he said no.
I replied can I at least Taekwondo?
My wife was in bed sick for a few days. She kept asking if we had cold medicine and I said no
Because all our medicine is room temperature
I find it hard playing scrabble with my wife and her friends. They just talk so much
I cant get a word in
I used to date a guy from Tunisia who lived in Morocco and studied Chinese but my dad made me break it off
He said there were too many red flags
Did you know that Killer Whales work together to catch prey?
They Orca-strate
Frogs are notoriously cautious about parking regulations
They dont want to get toad
What Mexican dish is served cold
A brrrrrito
A kid just finished writing a paper for class.He typed the title: 1000 Ways To Cure An Itch to finish it off.
Just as he was about to hit save the screen went black.
He did all he could to get the computer back on so he could save his work.
After a few minutes the boys dad walked in and said, The power went out.
What do you mean the power went out? the boy asked.
The father responded sarcastically, No juice.
I just finished my paper for class and I didnt get to save it! exclaimed the boy.
Which paper? asked his dad.
1000 Ways to Cure an Itch, the boy replied with
a frown.
His father smothered a laugh and said, Well, I guess youll have to start again from scratch.
What do astronauts use to keep warm?
Space heaters.
A COVID storyDue to social distancing at the height of the Covid outbreak the Shakespearean Theater Company had to cancel all of their live shows.
Before self-quarantining, they decided to do one last performance of Romeo and Juliet and livestream their production over the internet. In order to reach a wide audience, they advertised their show on dozens of websites.
Before the show, they had the costumes, props, and theater disinfected to protect the health of the actors. However, the sanitizing process left the stage dangerously slippery.
Because of the shortage of household supplies, the maintenance team had no paper towels to wipe away the disinfectant, and they almost had to cancel the show.
Luckily a stagehand had an idea. He found an old dictionary in the props closet, ripped out its pages, and laid them all down individually to cover the entire stage. This gave the actors just enough traction to safely perform.
The play was streamed t over 50,000 viewers and went off without a hitch.
The next day the producer tracked down the stage hand.
and said,
"I owe you a debt of gratitude! Your idea saved the day! I've been reading reviews online and everybody is raving about how much they enjoyed the show!"
The stagehand nodded
and said, "I'm not surprised. People love a good play on words."
My buddy's daughter dadjoked him. They were having breakfast,
...his daughter said: "dad you snore a lot, you know there's an app for that right?" him: "oh really? what's it called?" her: "app-nea".
Did you see what NASAs new slogan is going to be now that their budget has been cut?
NASA - the skys the limit!
A job interviewer asked if I had experience with Microsoft Office
Not only have I used it, I Exceled
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind it's tearable.
How do you catch a unique rabbit?Unique up on it!
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way!
My dad was always a "If you got up there on your own, you can get down on your own" sort of man. Fantastic father.
Terrible air traffic controller.
Why do wealthy people buy racehorses?
Because theyre a stable investment.
What do you call two earthworms who are in love?
Soilmates
There's a new car made in Switzerland
It won't shift out of neutral.
When I was a kid I didnt like facial hair
But now its growing on me
What do you call a can opener that's broken?
A Can't opener.
They said I'm addicted to stealing helium balloons
That's not something I take lightly
What's the opposite of a gorilla?
A STOPrilla!