Late one night, a guy is speeding down an empty road. A cop sees him fly past, gives chase, and pulls him over.
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The cop walks up and asks, Sir, are you aware of how fast you were going?

Yes, the man says. I was trying to escape a robbery I was involved in.

The cop raises an eyebrow. Were you the one being robbed?

Oh no, the man replies casually. I committed the robbery. I was escaping.

Now the cop is stunned. So youre telling me you were speeding and you committed a robbery?

Yes, the man says calmly. All the loot is in the trunk.

The cop reaches for the keys. Sir, youre coming with me.

Dont do that! the man shouts. Im afraid that youll find the loaded gun in my glove compartment!

The cop jerks his hand back, retreats to his cruiser, and calls for backup.

Within minutes, police cars surround the area, helicopters hover overhead. The man is dragged out, handcuffed, and marched toward a squad car.

Just before they put him in, another officer says, pointing to the original cop, Sir, this officer says you committed a robbery, had stolen loot in your trunk, and a loaded gun in your glove compartment. But we didnt find any of that.

The man sighs and says, Yeah, and I bet that liar told you I was speeding too!

Conversations at the tavern
A tired young doctor got off a night shift at the hospital and stopped into a bar called "Dick's" across the street for a drink.

"Hey what can I get you?" asked Dick.

"How about a daiquiri?"

The bartender makes a drink and slides it down the bar.

He takes a sip and loves it. "Whoa that's great. What's your secret?"

"A little bit of almond extract. Gives it a little something extra." The two hit it off and a lifelong friendship develops.

One night the doctor enters and like clockwork the bartender goes to make his favorite drink only to realize that all the almond extract is gone. Thinking on his feet he substitutes it with a little hickory on hand.

The doctor takes a sip. A little confused, he takes another...

"Is this an almond daiquiri, Dick?"

"No, it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."

How do non binary people kill?
They slash them

My friend died while he was addicted to skiing
He went downhill really fast

My son said he was going to a 50 cent concert.
I gave him a dollar and told him to take Mom.

I went out with a grammar teacher last night. I mentioned my colon, she talked about her period.
Thats about all we had in comma.

Why is it easier to weigh a fish than a cat?
Because fish come with their own scales.

Doctor, I think I have ADHD. I can never remember where I parked my Ford.
Doctor: Thats not how ADHD works.

Man: But I keep losing my Focus.

My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back?

My father worked 12 hours a day to put food on the table.
Great dad. Slow cook.

I was attacked by a flock of sheep this morning.
Luckily, I was only grazed.

Bear walks into a bar
(Gotta tell this one out loud)
Big ol' grizzly walks into a bar. Tells the barkeep "I'll have a rum and.... .... .... coke." Bartender says "sure, but what's with the big pause?" The bear looks down and says "I dunno, I was born with 'em."

My bucket got stuck when I was trying to get some water
It did not go down well.

Which dinosaur is the worst driver?
The tyrannosaurus wrecks

Why is cyclops in charge of the X-Men?
Because professor X made him a super visor.

Youthful lessons
Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time.

The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing.

Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.

The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"

The boy answered yes.

Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."

Why don't blind people skydive?
Because their dogs hate it.

Someone glued my deck of cards together
I'm having a hard time dealing with it.

I went to the aquarium this weekend, but didn't stay long.
There's something very fishy about that place.

How much does a pirate pay for corn
a buck an ear

I was approached by a prostitute last night.
She said "For $100 I'll do anything you want."

I said "Great. Clean my house."

Garbagemen don't get any training.
They have to pick up things as they go along.

When I was a kid at fat camp I fell in love with the biggest girl there.
She was my first crush.

There is a new social networking site for breastfeeding moms.
It is called "TitTot".

My wife wanted me to wear long sleeves tonight to dinner and it made me hot, so I told her that I needed to exercise my second amendment rights
The need to bare arms