My girlfriend told me that sex is much better on vacation.
That wasnt a very nice postcard to receive.

In other news...
...the sexual position formerly known as 69 will be replaced with 96.

Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up.

My deaf girlfriend told me she feels sick
that's not a good sign

Timmy: Mommy, I don't want to go to school today. The kids all bully me and call me names and stuff.
Mommy: Now come on Timmy, you know you have to go in. After all, you're the headmaster.

Whenever I get self-conscious in social situations, I reach into my pocket and rub a tiny rock.
Then I start feeling a little boulder.

Siri, why am I so bad at relationships with women?
This is Alexa.

My boss is threatening to fire the employee who has the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.

What do you call a guy who is even more laidback than Jeffery Lebowski?
Subdued

My girlfriend and I were setting up camp when we heard someone screaming Help! Help me! from deep in the woods. I immediately dropped what I was doing, wrapped myself in a giant warm pita, and while I slathered on tzatziki sauce, my girlfriend pleaded, Please, stop!
You dont always have to be a gyro.

If youre planning to groom a hairy dog, make sure you set aside enough time.
It takes fur-ever!

During our team meeting at work, my boss asked me anything else from your end? I said
Not until tomorrow morning after coffee

What did the Indian kid say after the substitute teacher tried to kick him out?
Na imma stay

Why aren't French fries actually cooked in France?
Because they are cooked in Greece

We shouldnt expect too much from the Kansas City Chiefs this year
theyre coming from a broken Mahomes.

What do you call an over used werewolf plot device?
A lycan trope

My father always said, "When one door closes another one opens."
He was a terrific father and a terrible cabinet maker.

Peeing your pants isn't really that big a deal
It's just a wee mistake

My wife says I dont listen
or something like that.

What do werewolves say on October 31st?
"Happy Howl-oween"

What does it sound like when a vampire sneezes?
Nosfer-AACHOO!

What's the price difference between a beer nut and a deer nut?
A beer nut costs 4.99 and a deer nut is under a buck

Teacher: "What do you mean, you ate your homework? Why would you do this?"
Student: "Because you said, it would be a piece of cake!"

My sisters grades are so bad, they should be illegal
Shes a Cs and Ds sist

What road do Italians take to go to a funeral ?
Pasta Way.