It is with great sadness that I have to mention the loss of a few local businesses.
A local bra manufacturer has gone bust, a submarine company has gone under, a manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation, a dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers and a company supplying paper for origami enthusiasts has folded. Do you know of any others??

My suspicious wife asked how our lawn stays vibrantly green all year while the neighbors turn brown every winter. I said, Well, I could try to convince you that I actually understand soil composition, or how I mastered the watering schedule all while studying mower blade sharpening techniques
but I dye grass.

Went to the doctor with a suspicious looking mole
He said they all look that way and I should have left him in the garden.

I accidentally handed my girlfriend the glue stick instead of the chapstick
She still isnt speaking to me

I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81.
​

He said no.

Multiple reports claiming Sting has been kidnapped
The Police still have no lead.

I keep getting into it with my dentist who happens to also be a carpenter
They keep fighting me tooth and nail on everything

I used to love chopping wood, but I cant do it anymore.
It gives me a splitting headache.

What do you call a meteor that hits Earth?
A meteor, rite?

I just found out I am colorblind
This news really came out of the purple.

Very few people talk about the benefits of eating dried grapes
It's all about raisin awareness

Police are questioning people after a former star of Jersey Shore was found liquified in a vat of acid.
The Situation is fluid.

My kid asked if he could play some of my retro games.
I said "sure, you can".

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet?
I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they don't know either.

I went to the doctor because I couldnt wake my feet up.
His diagnosis? Theyre coma toes

How did Jesus do on his final exam?
He nailed it

I told my wife that I was going to make a car out of spaghetti and she didn't believe me, but you should have seen her face when I drove pasta...
She was so shocked that she left me, and now I'm cannelloni.

If you can choose what kind of tree youre going to fall out of, what kind should you choose?
A short one!

My girlfriend punched me in the face while she was on her period
I think she was just ovary acting

A Dyslexic Man
Walks into a bra

Ive just finished reading a book called how to clear leaves from your lawn
By Ray King

I love going outdoors
Its safer than going outwindows

What do meat eaters love to drink?
Mutton Dew

Why did Winnie the Pooh burn himself taking pizza out of the oven?
Because he used his bear hands.

How do you fix a broken pumpkin?
With a pumpkin patch