Why did the Dalai Lama go to Vegas?
Tibet.
Airline incidentHalf an hour after an Aer Lingus flight reached 30,000 feet, the captain made an announcement:
Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain, Sean Thomas. Welcome aboard Flight 280, non-stop from Dublin to Chicago. The weather is perfect today, so we should have a pleasant, smooth, uneventful flight. So just get comfortable, sit back, relax, and OH WHAT THE HELL!!
The plane went completely silent.
A few moments later, the captain came back on the intercom:
Ladies and gentlemen, Im so sorry if I alarmed you. While I was speaking, Maureen - our new and rather clumsy flight attendant - accidentally spilled coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!
From the back of the plane, a passenger shouted:
For the love of Jaysus, you should see the back of mine!
Silence is golden -- unless you have children.
Then, silence is suspicious.
A lot of successful people start their careers waiting tables.
Its a good entre level job.
I had a scheme where only the old people were going to win at the olympics
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for all those medaling kids
Whats a stalker and a Pokmon nerd got in common?
They both hide in the bushes trying to get a Pikachu.
Did you hear about the guy killed in the can crusher?
It was soda pressing.
what happens when right angle sees acute angle
a rectangle
What do you call a bra that you cant take off?
A booby trap.
The doctor told his patient that he was going to die soon because of Mercury in UranusThe patient said I dont believe in astrology
The doctor said Neither do I; my anal thermometer just broke in your backside
What do you call karate for amputees ?
Partial arts
There is something funny about that vaccine I got in India...
I got it in Punjab
I hope Poland never changes their flag by removing the white part from it.
That would be a red flag.
What do you call a Spanish victim of Grand Theft Auto?
Carlos
Neil Sedaka has just moved to a new home.
Now he's living Next Door to an Angel.
Did you know that in the middle ages, it was customary for playwrights to give the King exquisite shirts when depicting him in a play?
They had to pay royal tees to use his likeness!
I was addicted to soap.
I'm clean now.
It bothers me, that the word "pacifist"...
... contains a fist.
What do you call it when your friends go to the Brazilian steakhouse without you?
FOMO de chao
Why is the first year of marriage the hardest?
Because you're still marrynating.
This morning heard music coming from down the hall, but when I went there, there was nobody, only a player piano with a note that reads:
Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.
Why did I never want to enter the bobsleigh?
Cos I always luge
There is something funny about that vaccine I got in India...
I got it in Punjab
Why does Alpha-Bits only contain letters?
They didnt want cereal numbers to appear on the box
The school keeps calling to tell me about my sons incessant lying
The kid must be good because I dont even have a son!