What do you call two cops having sex?
Copulation
What's the difference between Excel and a proctologist?
One is for spreadsheets and one spreads cheeks.
I saw a sheep in a swimsuit driving an expensive car.
It was a lambikini.
Inflation is so bad...
That I'm downgrading from LGBTQ+ to LGBTQ with ads.
I just found out that I have a half-brother.
...and we're not allowed to play with chainsaws anymore.
I used to be a banker.
But I lost interest.
What is Ken's favorite food?BarbieQ...
Badum tssss
What do you call a cop in bed?
Undercover
Hospital.
A man wakes up in the hospital. The phone rings, a doctor tells the man: "I have really bad news. You're very sick. After your collapse yesterday, we ordered several tests, you have Avian flu, Ebola, you're HIV positive and have hepatitis." The man asks "What are you going to do?" The doc replies: "For starters we're putting you on a strict diet of only pizza." "Will that really help me?" "No, but it's all we can fit under the door."
I got attacked by a German Shepard...
Turns out my neighbor Hans doesn't like it when you try to herd his sheep for him.
Whats the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?
Attire
Im thirsty.
Dad: Hi, thirsty! Im Friday. Come over Saturday and Ill buy you a sundae.
ChiropractorWent to see my chiropractor today. Very funny guy.
Totally cracks me up
Read a story about a family who forgot their dogs toy......at a cabin where they vacation every summer. The dog traveled 100 miles there and back to retrieve it
I said "that's far fetched"
I was so proudMy grandson came to my house yesterday after school. I asked him what he is doing in (8th grade) math.
He said they were discussing the ways to measure things, ruler, protractor, etc. Then the teacher gave them a flip-flop sandal and asked them to measure it.
Grandson just sat there. The teacher asked him why grandson was not measuring. Grandson said he already knows how long the flip-flop is. When the teacher asked how long, my grandson replied,
"that's easy. The flip-flop is a foot long."
So proud of him.
What do you call a Chinese person who is always early?
Wei Ting
Why is the forehead the safest part of a human to eat?
Because it's past ur eyes duh!
My gf insists I bring a 12-inch ruler to the bedroom
She has a foot fetish.
Circle FliesA farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding and the trooper started to lecture the farmer and threw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, but as he was he kept swatting at some flies buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper said, Yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies."
Well, circle flies are common on farms, replied the farmer. Theyre called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper said, "Oh," and went back to writing the ticket. After a minute he stopped and said, "Hey...wait a minute, are you calling me a horse's ass?
Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass, replied the farmer.
The trooper said, "Well, that's a good thing," and went on writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer said, "Cant fool those circle flies, though."
What do you give a lemon stricken with sickness?
Some lemon-aid
My pets just got an award for smelliest litterbox.
They won the catasstrophy.
Why did it take so long for the chef to apologies for overcooking the pasta?
He was apologising per fusilli
Jokester, holding up can of bug spray to store employee, I didnt know that bugs pray.
Employee, "Why yes they do, why do you think they are in sects?"
What do you call the wife of a hippy?
Mississippi
Did I tell you I just got a job in a factory making plastic Draculas?
There are only two of us on the production line. So I have to make every second count