My neighbor has started dating a woman that works at McDonalds.
My neighbor has started dating a woman that works at McDonalds. He likes to tease her about her name being Patty. Then he found out that all she does is complain and hold grudges at work. So now he calls her all beef Patty.
Whats one sentence you can use in both the kitchen and the bedroom?
I didnt see that cumin
What do you call a pirate's coming of age party?
A quinceanYARRRa
I once offered a panhandler an apple
No thanks, he said. I dont have any teeth.

Just goes to show: beggars cant be chewers.

Why do Lawyers never wear boxers?
They prefer briefs
Apparently, that doesnt work both ways
My wife was upset with me this morning, so I showed her my boobs

Apparently, that doesnt work both ways

How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep?
You rocket!
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
De-calfeinated.
After Jean Grey graduated from Xavier's School For Gifted Youngsters
She enrolled in the University of Phoenix
A drunk shows off his new apartment
After closing time at the bar, a drunk proudly invited a couple of his friends back to see his new apartment.

He led them into his bedroom, where a large brass gong and a wooden mallet stood in the corner.

One of his friends pointed at it and asked,

What's with the big brass gong?

That's not a gong, the drunk replied proudly. It's a talking clock.

A talking clock? his friend asked. Seriously?

Yep.

How does it work?

Watch.

The drunk grabbed the mallet, swung it with all his might, and hit the brass gong with an ear-shattering BONG!

The three of them stood there in silence for a few seconds.

Then, from the other side of the wall, a furious voice yelled,

You idiot! It's 3:15 in the morning!

Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution
A man was driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he saw a sign that said, 'Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 15 mi.

Being tired, he thought it was just a figment of his imagination and drove on without a second thought.

Not too long after he saw another sign that said 'Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 8 mi and realized the signs were real.

When he drove past a third sign saying, 'Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution Next Right' his curiosity got the better of him and he pulled into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot was a stone building with a small sign next to the door:
Sisters of Mercy

He climbed the stairs and rang the bell.

The door was answered by a nun in the customary black habit who said, 'What can we do for you, my son?

He answered, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.

'Very well, my son, please follow me.

He was led through many winding passages and was soon disoriented.
The nun stopped at a closed door and said, 'Please knock on this door.

He did as he was told. This door was answered by another nun holding a tin cup.

This nun said, 'Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway.

He took $50 out of his wallet and placed it in the second nun's cup.

He trotted eagerly down the hall and slipped through the door, pulling it shut behind him.

As the door locked behind him he found himself back in the parking lot facing another small sign.

The sign read:
Go in Peace.
You Have Just Been Screwed
by the Sisters of Mercy

Why is the little mermaid wearing sea-shells?
She grew out of her b-shells
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.
I illegally made a hat out of paper towels
Now I have a bounty on my head.
Jabba was going to propose to Leia.
But when the time came, he choked.
I hired an electrician.
I was shocked to find out how bad he was.
I told my wife I was going to make a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen the look on her face with I drove pasta.
What title did the King give to the newly knighted cattle rancher?
Sir Loin of Beef
What did the cow say to the calf ten minutes before bedtime?
Be in your ruminate minutes
A repairman came to fix my oven today
He says, I found your problem. It was a bad transformer.

I replied, I think those are called decepticons.

True story.

Last night I dreamed I was a vinyl record...
I woke up feeling Groovy.
What do you call a heron who lies?
A heretic!
Can one of the boys help me carry this fuel tank?
'Jerry can'
How do you make an angry friend super angry?
Put a cape on them.
What do you call an insulated cup full of stale soda?
Flat Stanley