Man: Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!Judge: Repeat infractions?
Man: Fine. 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!
A man goes to a dermatologist with a rare skin disease. The doctor says, "Try a milk bath".
So the guy goes to the grocery store and tells the dairy manager he needs enough milk to take a bath. The dairy guys ask "You want that pasteurized?" "Nah", the man replies "Up to my chin should do it."
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mother carries a photo of only one of them in her wallet.
I guess if youve seen Juan, youve seen Amal.
Today is my sons 4th birthday. When he came out of his room this morning, I didnt recognize him at first
It was as if I had never seen him be four
My career as a stand-up comedian ended when I tried telling jokes about the unemployed
It was clear that none of them worked
Last night I dreamed I had to make a thousand pancakes
I was tossing and turning all night.
The past, the present and the future all walk into a bar
It was tense.
If you put your left shoe on the wrong foot
Its on the right foot
Which fruit materializes spontaneously?
A pear.
If you try to pave your own driveway and something goes wrong..
Its your own asphalt
I'm an expert at sleeping.
I can do it with my eyes closed.
Why did the Dalai Lama go to Vegas?
He loves Tibet!
Dad where did humans come from?God made us
But mom said we came from Apes
She's talking about her family, I'm telling you about mine
Roses are redViolets are red
Daisies are red
I am colorblind
I cant believe its gonna take over five years before I can go to space as a tourist.
They said it would be a waitless experience!
Wandering through the plains, a buffalo encounters a wildebeest peeing in a pond. The buffalo shouts, Hey, dont do that! Thats our drinking water!Embarrassed at the situation, the wildebeest replies, Im so sorry! I had no idea.
The buffalo kindly answers, Its OK, I forgive you. I can tell youre gnu around here.
If the band was better at their chosen genre of music...
Would they be Deft Punk?
Did you know trees poop in the woods?
Yup, it's how we get Number 2 pencils...
My son joined his school's golf club, so I bought him a pair of socks.
Just in case he gets a hole in one.
How long can you live without drinking water?
Your entire life.
An evil woman took over a country and attacked all of the neighboring countries.
She was dubbed The Nemesis as she laid much devastation in her wake. She had a brother who was apparently the only one she cared for so the neighboring countries decided to try kidnapping him to force her to stand down. Little did they know that he was just as strong as his sister and could not be taken. His acts that day got him the name... The Nemibro.
Scientists have recently noticed that crows are not making as much noise.
Researchers are busy looking for the cause.
How beautiful was Mount Rushmore before it was sculpted?
Its beauty was unpresidented.
In days of old when knights were boldOnce upon a time a king wanted to hold a grand ball commemorating his thirtieth year on his throne. He decided to send his top four knights out to all of the surrounding kingdoms with invitations. The knights that went north, east, and south returned with acceptance letters. Only the knight that went west didn't return.
So, the king sent forth his fifth most able knight.
Days went by and suddenly a message came back alerting the king that his knight had encountered a big yellow hand along the pathway and as the knight tried to pass the hand came down and flattened the knight.
The king then sent forth his best, most favored knight again. A few days later word came back that that knight met the same fate. The king sent forth his new best, most favored knight but, the same thing. Soon, the ranks of his knights wouldn't even step up to the king's challenge. Only a lowly page stepped forward and announced he would get the king's message through. The king told him that if the page made it through he would knight the page and allow him to marry his beautiful daughter.
The page took off and soon enough encountered the big yellow hand. He tried to pass but the hand slapped down. The page, unencumbered by heavy armor, was able to dodge out of the way. He tried again; the hand slapped; the page dodged. Several more attempts and then, the hand caught the page!
But the page, being of slight build and, again, unencumbered with heavy armor, was able to wiggle through the fingers and got through to all of the western kingdoms. He was smart enough, too, to take a different route back. The king was ecstatic! He knighted the page - to the chagrin of the other knights - and the new knight married the beautiful princess. They lived happily ever after.
The moral of this story is:
When your message must get through, let your pages do the walking through the yellow fingers.
Where do famous Polish piano composers buy their clothing?
The Chopin mall