Dad joke from my 15yo son
Background: My son is half Japanese. His Japanese is much better than his English.

I was making dinner, talking with my boys. My eldest (15yo) opened Disney+ on his phone and started playing Frozen on it. He then grabbed the remote from his brothers, opened Disney+ on the TV and started playing Frozen 2.

He came over to me and said, "Daddy, I wanted to watch a movie on my phone, but it was frozen. So, I tried to watch it on the TV, but it was frozen, too."

I've never been prouder in my life.

If a tomb is pronounced "toom" and a womb is pronounced "woom,"
why isn't a bomb pronounced "boom?"

What do you call a Middle Aged dinosaur with joint problems?
A Mykneesaresaur.

Went to the doctor with a suspicious looking mole
he said they all look like that and I should have left him in the garden.

Tomorrow I'll do a talk for people who can't achieve orgasm.
Those who can't come, can come.

In which city do India people leave their mother?
Mumbai

What did the brain say to the bladder when it started leaking?
Urine trouble!!!

I went to the doctors with hearing problems
he said Can you describe the symptoms?

I said Homers a a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair

Whats the difference between an intense interrogation and a nature walk?
One is badgering a witness, the other is witnessing a badger.

My oldest son is a mountaineer but when hes home hes so lazy
When I come back from work I always find Himalayin on the sofa

What do cannibals serve at the begining of dinner parties?
Handshakes

Professor X asks a young girl: Whats your superpower?
The girls responds I can predict exactly how many pulls of a ceiling fan string is needed to turn it off. For example, the one above your head needs 3.

Professor X gets up and pulls the string 3 times and as she predicted, it turns off.

Wow, thats impressive, Professor X tells her. But thats not really a superpower.

Yeah youre right, The girl responds. I was just kidding. I can actually heal paraplegics

"Hi, does your dog bite?"
No of course not.

"OUCH!! I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOUR DOG DOESN'T BITE!?"

That is not my dog.

For the 10th year in a row my co-workers voted me the most secretive guy in the office.
I can't tell you how much this means to me.

Why did the belt get arrested
It held up a pair of pants

Singer.
Do you sing in the car?

Yes, but only when I'm going in reverse.

I'm a backup singer.

What do you call a disfigured cow?
Mootant

Its a shame that the Beatles didnt make the submarine in that song green.
That wouldve been sublime.

I saw some big cats frolicking in a field of flowers.
They were Dandy Lions

If you are paranoid, dont become an uber driver
All those people talking behind your back

What does Excel and an incel have in common?
Both misinterpret things as a date.

I have an issue aiming into the toilet
It's my number one problem

Which animal is the most pessimistic of animals?
The horse!

They're always NEIGH-saying!

Today I learned if you turn a canoe over, you can wear it as a hat.
Because it's cap sized.

I just found out my local bakery burned down
Now their business is toast