Luke Skywalker never dreamed hed get to meet the Emperor.
So when it finally happened, he was shocked.

I never shouldve taken that job as a dragon tamer.
I got fired almost immediately.

Why dont Oranges need glasses?
Because they have plenty of Vitamin See.

At dinner, I asked my date if she had any hobbies. She said, "I like drilling holes."
I looked at her and said, "Well, that's boring."

I asked my husband to make the bed and he just stared at me.
what?
Him: Make the bed do what?

A talking fish
A chap is fishing and hooks a salmon, he reels it in and is just going to kill it for his dinner when the salmon looks at him and says
"Hey mate, don't kill me, I'm only a baby, I haven't swum the 7 seas yet, give me a chance pal"

The man looks at the salmon "Hey, you can talk"? "Course I can, go on put me back, there's much bigger fish under the bridge". "All right", says the man, "I'll put you back, what's your name? "Rusty" says the salmon, "And yours?" "My name's Dave"

He puts the fish back in the water & resolves to say nothing to anyone, for fear that he'll become a laughing stock.

10 years later he's fishing in the same spot & he hooks a monster. It takes him 2 hours to land it. He looks at it & pictures it on his dinner plate. Just then the salmon opens one eye & looks at him "Dave, is that you"?

"Rusty, I don't believe it, it must be 10 years since I let you go, what have you been doing"?

"Well Dave, I've had a fantastic time, I've swum the 7 seas & all the oceans. In fact, I've just come across the Atlantic, but I was really disturbed".

"Why's that Rusty"?

"Well, I was half way across & a voice told me to swim deeper, so I did, deeper & deeper & I found this huge shipwreck. I counted 4 funnels, it felt like death so I had to leave".

"Wow Rusty, that was the Titanic it sank & almost all on board were drowned."

"Ah, I knew it, in fact, I was so upset I had to sit down & write a poem about it" said Rusty.

"A poem, don't talk daft, you're just a fish, how can you write a poem, that's rubbish."

"No Dave, really, it's available in all bookshops now."

"Ok" says Dave, "so what's it called then?"

"Salmon Rustys Titanic Verses.

Wann know my grandpas last words before he kicked the bucket?
Watch how far I can kick this thing

How do cats welcome a new sofa?
With a round of a-claws

My 8 year old and I workshopped the punchline today

Me and my mom were in the car
We were getting ready to leave to run errands. A woman was rolling a vacuum cleaner across the parking lot to her apartment. I told my mom, "She'd better be careful doing that."

My mom asked why.

I said she might get attacked by a bear.

Mom gave me a funny look.

I said, "I heard nature abhors a vacuum!"

She groaned but it was worth it!

What did the Air Conditioner say when it hit the dance floor ?
We condense if you want to
We can leave your friends behind

What do you get when you take a Ford Taurus and a Ford Focus and mix them together?
A Fusion!

The farmer told the new farm hand to go to the field and get the dozen cattle that were in the field and put them in the pen.
A little while later the farm hand reported back that all 15 cattle were in the pen. Farmer asked what 15 cattle? The hand replied you told me to round up the cattle.

I recently lost.my job as an origami instructor...
The business folded up.

I tried to get my dog to sing in a high pitched sound but failed.
I guess he is a subwoofer

My wife saw an ant picking up a leaf 5 times its body weight and told me, Can you imagine being that strong?
So I picked up the leaf and said, Yes.

I love my furniture...
...my recliner and I go way back.

Apparently, that doesnt work both ways
My wife was upset with me this morning, so I showed her my boobs

Apparently, that doesnt work both ways

Three Jewish men are talking
Three Jewish men are talking when the first one says,

"You know, guys, it's so odd. My son went to Jerusalem to learn more about his faith, and I'll be damned if he didn't come back Christian." The second man says,

"Yeah, the same thing happened to my son." The third says

"Same guys. I think we should go talk to the Rabbi about it." They go, and the Rabbi just says, "I dunno, guys, I think you should just ask God." So they pray.

"God, we don't understand. Our sons went to Jerusalem to learn about their faith and came back Christian." God says,

"Huh, same thing happened to my son."

At dinner, my date got defensive when I told her my newest hobby was learning to read Braille. But that didnt surprise me
Its a touchy subject.

Bad Joke
Saw this today.

When does a bad joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes a parent.

The phrase "hold your horses" is essentially the same as...
"Be stable."

My neighbor has started dating a woman that works at McDonalds.
My neighbor has started dating a woman that works at McDonalds. He likes to tease her about her name being Patty. Then he found out that all she does is complain and hold grudges at work. So now he calls her all beef Patty.

Why cant you give Elsa a balloon?
Because she will let it go

What do you get when a rockstar steps on a strawberry plant?
Strawberry jam.