I heard my daughter say from the other room "dad (sister)'s doing something she's not supposed to be doing!"
​

I responded with

me: is she Building a rocket or fighting a mummy?

6 year old: no

me: Or climbing up the Eiffel Tower?

6 year old no she is-

me: Discovering something that doesn't exist?

6 yo: no shes not doing that she is-

Me: giving a monkey a shower!?!

6yo no no

me: o i know she is Surfing tidal waves, creating nanobots or locating Frankenstein's brain?

6yo old: what?

me: Finding a dodo bird, painting a continent

Or driving her sister insane?

6yo: that one shes doing that one.

What do you call a zombie that writes music?
A decomposer.

Does anyone have trouble remembering maines abbreviation
or is it just me?

Im starting to understand why Yoda wanted to spend time on a swamp planet.
It makes the Dagobah faster.

What do you call someone who is late to work?

Mr. Bus

Why are graveyards always so loud?
Cause of all the coffin.

If you go to a place and there's no white people
That place is cracka-lackin

I got fired from my job at the calendar factory
I didnt even do any thing, I just took a day off

I regret buying a second hand boomerang
It went back to the owner

Brian Wilson walks into a bar.
"Round, round, get a round, I get a round."

I hope this joke gives you good vibrations.

How can you tell the sex of ants?
Just toss them in water. Ones that sink are girl ants, and ones that float are buoyant.

I found money in my pasta sauce can but I ate it anyway......
......it was worth every penne.

I got my blood drawn recently.
Great artist, niche subject matter.

Actors in Breaking Bad were encouraged to do drugs while on set
They were meth-od actors.

What do you call a stoner in designer jeans
High fashion

After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music?
Because he had a ton of sick beets.

If your electrician..
..explains the fuse box, does he become a trip advisor?

Do you like my Halloween themed toothpaste?
It's called A Brush With Death

Lassie had a littler of puppies. One by one they were adopted: One became a master sheepdog, herding sheep to his heart's delight. Another became a champion athlete, setting world records at dog shows. The runt of the litter, though, waited weeks before finally being adopted by a honeydew farmer...
He was a little meloncollie

Did you know you cannot run in a campground?
You can only ran, because its passed tents.

What is a sheep's favorite rock song?
Don't stop Bleating.

Every time I am hiking with my kids and we see animal droppings, we pick through the droppings with a stick to see what the animal may have eaten
I always say "I see a couple of seeds, but it looks like it mostly eats poop!"

Heard this first from Kevin Nealon,

ever have sex while camping?
its fucking in tents!

I don't know if this is the right place to be sharing this but it wasn't easy for me growing up in that house. My mother worked for an insecticide making company and my dad was in the business of cleaning up hazardous waste.
It was such a toxic relationship.

When construction workers want to party...
...they raise the roof!