What does a hot dog use for protection?
Condoments.
I had a date last night. It was perfect.
Tomorrow, Ill have a banana.
A man walks into a bar holding a tiny piano with a tiny man playing itThe bartender says, Where did you find that?
Theres a magic lamp just outside with a genie that grants wishes, the man replies.
The bartender runs outside, grabs the lamp, rubs it, and says, I wish for a million bucks!
All of a sudden, ducks begin falling from the sky.
Confused, the bartender shouts, I said bucks, not ducks!
The man shrugs. Did you think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?
I feel sorry for Tiger Woods. He won 15 Majors;
now he can't even drive.
Before I met your mother, I dated a German sausage maker
the relationship didn't last long though, she just brought out the wurst in me.
What's the difference between Iron Man and Aluminum Man?Iron Man stops the bad guys.
Aluminum Man just foils their plans.
My dad was born with a conjoined twin, but separated at birth
I have an uncle, once removed.
Yo mama is so fat, when she went to the optometrist, she was diagnosed with:
Assbigmatism
Im a little embarrassed how long it took me get this one today (from the dad joke calendar)
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
I grew up rich
As an adult I go by Richard
I saw a woman faint onto the baggage carousel at the airport this morning.
Thankfully, she came around.
An ion walks into a barlooking very glum.
Whats up? asks the barkeep.
I think I lost an electron, replies the ion, gloomily.
Are you sure?
Yes, the ion says, Im positive.
This is my cake day joke. Please clap!
Her husband the handymanAs related to me by my neighbor, Judy. Ive excised all the profanity.
Judy asked her husband Bill to tidy up the bathroom before she headed out for her Saturday afternoon shopping trip.
One of his tasks was to lacquer the toilet seat.
He finished this and the other work and went out to watch football at a sports bar
When he came back home he found Judy, furious, stuck to the toilet seat.
His only option was to remove the toilet seat from the toilet, still stuck Judys behind, cover her with a dressing gown and bring her to the emergency room.
The doctor came in to the cubicle where he was with Judy.
"Hey doctor, what do you think of this?" Bill said, removing the dressing gown.
"That's very nice," said the doctor "But did you have to frame it?"
What do you call someone who won't stick to a diet?
A desserter
Why aren't pregnancy jokes popular?
Because the delivery takes too long.
What do Buddhists do for fun?
Recreation
Did you hear about the guy who dipped his balls in glitter?
Yeah, pretty nuts, right?
My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall..
But it was his dumb asphalt
What's the difference between a tick and the Eiffel Tower?
One is a parasite and the other is a Paris site.
A lumberjack told me that hes chopped down exactly 56,742 treesI asked, How do you know that?
He said, I keep a log.
Saw a baguette at the zoo
It was bread in captivity
What household product is best to keep men away?
Detergent
I sleep 20 hours a day
Ive gotten so good at sleeping I can even do it with my eyes closed.
Socratic teachers literally only want one thing
and it's discussing.
My wife forced me to go to the chiropractor, after years of me telling her he couldn't help my hunched back
I stand corrected.