When two people have sex, it's a twosome. When three people have sex, it's threesome
Now I know why people call you handsome.

As a man got older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting..
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do.. the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children then replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his....

Re-seeding heirline.

Why is Dark spelled with a K and not a C?
Because you cant C in the Dark.

I just bought 50 chicks from the farm
They were going cheep.

Thanos goes to his urologist
The urologist says congrats! You also have the kidney stone

Im absolutely fed up with those Russian dolls..
They really are full of themselves

What did Snow White say when her photocopier took so long?
"Someday my prints will come."

My wife left me because i'm insecure...
...no, wait, she came back! she just went to the store.

My kid was refusing to listen and take his nap so I called the police
Since he was clearly resisting a rest.

My wife just broke the news.she needs more space
So I bought her a 4 Terabyte drive

I have a chess set that is missing some pieces.
I think I can get the rest from a pawn shop.

I had a school test and my brother tied up all my books with a rope.
When my teacher asked me, "Can you give me any valid reasons for failing the test?" I said, "Knott to my knowledge."

Why did that alcoholic mathematician get arrested?
Because he was deriving drunk.

5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they're tenants!

What did the internet memelord name his twin daughters?
Maya Hee and Maya Ha

What Did Mary Say When Her Little Lamb Was Being Teased At School?
Ewe leave her alone!

What should you do if you are addicted to seaweed?
Sea Kelp

I pranked a skydriver today..
He fell for it..

It's a five minute walk from my house to the pub, and it's a 45 minute walk from the pub to my house...
The difference is staggering.

How did the lobster end up in prison?
He fought the claw and the claw won.

What do you call the most famous cow of all time?
LegenDAIRY

What is so fragile that the mere mention of it's name can break it?
Silence.

What do you call the toilet of a king?
A royal flush.

I asked my chinese buddy what its like to live in China
He says he cant complain

I couldn't help it, I fell in love with a handless woman...
She's really got her hooks in me!