A young woman turns to the priest sitting next to her: "Father, may I ask you a favor?
​

"Of course, my daughter, what can I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electric hair dryer for my mother's birthday, and I'm afraid customs will confiscate it. Could you carry it for me through the green lane, under your robes?"

"I am willing, but I must warn you... I do not lie."

"With your honest and honorable face, Father, no one will even ask you."

At the airport, the customs officer asks: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The customs officer thinks this is a strange answer: "And what do you have to declare from the waist down, Father?"

"I have a wonderful instrument designed for a woman's use, but it has, until this day... never been used."

The customs officer bursts out laughing: "Move along, Father!! Next in line!"

What do you call a Chinese man with one leg?
Lim Ping.

My 8-year-old daughter started crying on "Take Your Daughter to Work Day."
As my coworkers gathered around to check on her, she sobbed, "Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you work with?"

The Coyote once tried to catch the Roadrunner by booby-trapping one of the keys on a piano with an explosive. Which key was it?
C4.

What do you call a beehive without an exit?
Unbelievable.

E-bikes (didn't realize it until I was saying it)
My boy has been telling us for months about how he wants an E-bike or some other cool electric scooters. My wife and I were looking at websites. She says, "I don't know why these things cost so much!"

Without missing a beat, I said, "I think it's because they can charge it!"

I saw my doctor today. Showed him the rash on my bum,
but he completely ignored me and kept scanning his groceries through the checkout...

When LoTR was filming in NZ, the crew had a lot of problems with the monks at a nearby monastery who kept showing up on set who would try to sell them some of the local wildflowers.
When LoTR was filming in NZ, the crew had a lot of problems with the monks at a nearby monastery who kept showing up on set who would try to sell them some of the local wildflowers. The local authorities did not want to get involved. So Peter Jackson brought in a bunch of sheep and let them loose to eat all the wildflowers. What was unusual was that only the female sheep would eat the flowers.

But I guess that proves the old saying: Only ewe can prevent florist friars.

Mate asks, "How did you quit smoking so easily?" !".
Me, "It was the wife's idea...she suggested I only smoke after sex..

What kind of phone will you never see a doctor use?
An Apple.

What do you call a Chinese-American cameraman?
Phil Ming

Why does the pirate alphabet have 32 letters instead of 26?
Because it has the Seven Cs!

We have a funny bone, but did you know...
We also have one that's humerus!

Husband & wife.
Husband: "Honey, I broke a glass in the kitchen."
Wife: "I am coming with the broom."
Husband: "It ain't urgent. You can come on foot.'

The bicycle horn is one of the greatest innovations in the history of transportation.
In fact, the first cyclist to use a horn instead of a bell won a no-bell prize.

If you cant afford to visit Scandinavia, I have a plan that will help.
Start saving some cash, figure out when youll have enough money, Denmark it on your calendar.

Two guys are trying to get out of work
The first hangs from the ceiling yelling Im a light bulb

Boss comes in wow youve lost it. Take a day

The second man starts walking away

Woah where are you going?

The man replies What you expect me to work on the dark

Just spent $100 on a belt that doesn't fit!
Huge waist.

I told my wife she should do yoga with me.
She said, Namastay right here.

Cheesy buffalo chicken pasta
My wife made cheesy buffalo chicken pasta for supper tonight. As she was dishing it up she said "I hope it's not too creamy." I said it probably wasn't. She replied "it's a pasta-bility."

What do you call an old ant?
Antique

I often wondered why my GF always got out of my car through the sunroof.
Turns out that she was born by cesarean section.

My kids: Dad, youd be good at yoga.
Me: Thats a bit of a stretch.

At a work conference icebreaker, we had to go around our table and share something wed been learning this year. On my turn I said, Ive been taking Braille classes, but I probably shouldnt even be bringing that up right now. After an awkward silence, someone finally asked, Why not?
I replied, Its kind of a touchy subject.

Why do Russians make great weatherman?
Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.