My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, NOT THE KRYPTONITE! and I said, Thats Superman
Thanks, man, he replied, Ive been practicing it a lot.

Got fired from the Viagra factory after being accused of stealing.
Guess they dont want hard workers

What has four big wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.

I got fired from the keyboard factory.
They told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

What do you call bears without ears?
B

I'm very proud of the work I did on my coffee business.
I built it from grounds up.

I know Forrest Gump's password
1Forrest1

How do robots eat guacamole?
With microchips

I was going to make a joke about supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.
But I thought the sound of it was something quite atrocious.

My wife is a teacher at a very small school. She only has two students in her class & both of them are going to live to be very old
Both of her pupils are going to dilate

I have a family member that always sleeps.
It's my napkin.

Called my wife while hiking. Um I think Im lost. She goes, Can you retrace your steps?
Im like, Babe, you know I suck at drawing!

After I took a football to the groin, my teammate said I should become a farmer...
...Because now I have a couple of ache-ers.

What type of shoes does a serial killer wear?
White vans.

My wife texted, Call me ASAP! Its an emergency!!
Im like, Babe, whats so urgent about a nickname?

Police Officer: "Why are you driving around with a book in your hands?"
Driver: "It's a long story..."

My oldest daughter had the shortest birthday of her life yesterday.
It was her 22nd birthday.

Why did the tomato blush?
He saw the salad dressing.

What Christmas decorations do you use in the bathroom?
Toilet trees

I never understood what they meant by "stiff upper lip"
Until I was drinking coffee outside in Minnesota in the winter

There's a study that shows that cats actually meow louder and more often when greeting males vs females
Because even cats know that men dont listen

My wife said she'd love me more if I was a mute.
That's not saying much

What is the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?
Deer nuts are under a buck.

What do you get when you mix Viagra with spinach?
Strong to the finish.

What's a word that doesn't rhyme with itself?
Football, chocolate... I dunno, lots of things don't rhyme with "itself".