As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"Y"Know one would had been enough

Pirates are some of the horniest people on the planet.
They're always talking about chests and booties.

One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window, turned to his wife and said
Its going to rain.

His wife asked, How do you know?

Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear

What do you call a wreath made of $100 dollar bills?
Aretha franklins.

For a bit of fun, Im making a chart of my past girlfriends.
I have an ex-axis and a why?-axis

Captain Kirk has three ears
A left ear A right ear ... and a final frontier.

If the king sleeps on a king bed, and the queen sleeps on a queen bed, where does the prince sleep?
On an heir mattress.

I bought a Russian advent calendar.
Every time you open a window, an oligarch falls out.

Which pizza place only serves pizza with small fish on it?
Domminnows

My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo
So I had to put my foot down!

What do you call Tom Hanks when he's constipated?
Forced Dump.

What do you call a detective who investigates electricity?
Sherlock ohms...

Sorry, I couldn't resistor

My buddy stole my thesaurus
I have no words to express how angry I am

My grandfather complained that my generation relies too much on technology,
so I unplugged his life support

What's Jesus's favorite dessert?
An Easter Sundae.

If you have to get a circumcision, its best not to know in advance.
Ignorance is briss.

Why cant you hear a librarian going to the bathroom?
Because they shhhhit

Did you hear that a scientist died while trying to combine crab and cheetah DNA?
It all went sideways so fast.

I asked my girlfriend what's the opposite of a ton. She, with full confidence, said "lite as a feather."
I respond back, "no its not."

I went to see a musician performing the other night.
(That part is true)

He was talking about his guitar. A 1959 Epiphone. He said it was passed down from his Dad. Unfortunately, his Dad was still on the ladder when the police showed up.

Three golf clubs walk into a bar the putter orders a beer, the wedge orders a tequila the third one saids.
Nothing for me. I'm the driver

Have you ever walked into somebody's home and thought
Wow, why didn't I just use the door?

My wife said the salads I make tend to be a bit on the "dry" side
I said I guess that needs "addressing"

What's the name of that Irish guy that bounces of everything?
Rick O'Shea