How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Trump says he already did it and they all stand there clapping in the dark.

I opened the medicine cabinet and a bottle of Omega 3 capsules fell on my head
Fortunately my injuries were only super fish oil.

I accidentally planted the wrong flowers in my garden.
Oopsie daisies.

Why do archaeology students get all the girls?
Because they study the best dating techniques.

What's the difference between a Vietnamese Restaurant and an Indian Restaurant?
One is Pho Profit One is Naan Profit

Im often accused of choosing my spouse because I wanted a trophy wife.
But the truth is she chose me because she wanted a participation award husband.

Why doesn't Elton John like iceberg lettuce?
He's more of a Rocket-man.

How does the rock go to the bathroom?
He dwaynes his johnson.

Why do you need glasses in math classes?
Cause it helps with di-vision :)

An Air and Space museum opened up near me and it's just an empty warehouse.
I was disappointed at first but I can't really complain. Its exactly as described.

My son makes me make him paper airplanes all the time, then he complains they dont fly well
I tell him its because they are stationery

At the husband's funeral, I walked up to the widow and said "Earth."
She said "Thank you, that would have meant the world to him."

The national kite-flying champion was unimpressed by her first three wins
Win A through Win C were all boring and lackluster.

But when it was Win D, things were much better for her.

I had a dream I was drowning in a sea of pistachios.
What a nutmare.

Youve heard of alphabet soup now get ready for....
Times new ramen!

Maths
Why should you wear spectacles when youre studying maths? Because they help with division.

What's E.T. short for?
Because he's only got little legs.

I recently adopted a sheep.
His name is Robert but he goes by Baaaaab.

Have you ever thought why you have never seen an elephant hiding in a tree?
Have you ever thought why youve never seen an elephant hiding in a tree?

Because theyre really good at it.

And why do elephants paint their balls red?

To hide in cherry trees.

And whats the loudest sound in the jungle?

A giraffe eating cherries out of cherry trees

Grandpa never liked cousin Dale.
I always wondered why grandpa didn't like cousin Dale. Whenever dale would come around, Grandpa would brush him off and head outside. When Dale would join us at the dinner table, Grandpa would get up and head to the couch with his meal. He never seemed to like Dale so one day I asked Grandma why.

"Oh dear, cousin Dale went on a hunting trip one winter even after Grandpa told him it was a horrible idea and he'd end up froze to death. Cousin Dale ended up getting frostbite and lost half the piggies on his right foot!" she said.

"So grandpa hates cousin Dale because he went hunting even though he warned him not to?" I asked.

"No sweetie, he's just Lack Toes Intolerant."

My wife woke up sick and asked if we had any cold medicine.
I said, Sorry babe, all the medicine we have is warm.

The traffic cop yelled pull over.
No, I said, actually, its a cardigan, but thank you for noticing.

Recently installed a shower bar.
Never been sober since.

My kids asked why I brag about how amazing I used to be at Hide and Seek when Im so terrible at it now.
Truth is I peeked in high school.

I said to my doctor "Please help, I think I'm shrinking!"
He told me to calm down, saying "You'll just have to learn to be a little patient."