If a king sleeps on a king-sized bed and a queen sleeps on a queen-sized bed, where does a prince sleep?
On an heir mattress.

My friend Jay had triplet daughters, and named them after him.
Their names are Kay, Elle, and Em.

I told my son, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field."
He said, "What's that got to do with anything?"

I said "That means its pasture bedtime."

New autopsies discover that Albert Einstein died from a blood clot in the brain.
It was a stroke of genius.

At dinner, my date leaned in and whispered, So are you more of a breast guy, or a thigh guy?
Im like, Neither. Chicken fingers all the way.

What happens to a mathematician when they're bitten by a werewolf?
They undergo a furrier transform.

What do you call karate for amputees?
Partial arts!

Satan arrived to welcome a new damned soul to hell. "Congratulations!" he said. You wasted your entire pitiful life!"
"Well," the man replied, "at least I'm not a adult living in my father's basement."

My job in Zimbabwe is applying a spray to soften the leather straps attached to a horses bit
I mist the reins down in Africa

Why is prohibited to do the reverse cowgirl position in Alabama?
You can't turn your back on family!

What do you call a woman who won't stop singing Christmas songs?
Carolyn

Two ants tried to make a seesaw using a toothpick and half a crumb, but it didn't work.
They needed a full crumb.

A man went to the ER with 24 toy horses up his bum
Doctors listed his condition as "Stable"

This is my favourite poem of all time: I dug, you dug, she dug, he dug, we dig.
it may not mean anything, but it's deep

Son: Dad, do you have any regrets in life?
Dad: Yeah, I regret I never listened to my mother.

Son: What did she try to tell you?

Dad: I don't know, I never listened.

Two men robbing a liquor store. One asks "is this whisky?"
The other replied "not as whisky as wobbing a bank!"

I always have a David Bowie ornament on the top of my Christmas Tree
Whenever anyone asks, I explain:

"It's a star, man!"

It's awkward touching hands with a woman in a popcorn bag.
Especially when you don't know her and she doesn't know you're eating her popcorn.

I found a movie in the snow today
It was Frozen! And then I found another one a few feet from it, and that was Frozen 2!

Why did the maintenance guy bring his own scaffolding to work?
Because he was tired of climbing the corporate ladder.

I named my phone titanic
Now when I use Bluetooth it says titanic is syncing

For a long time, I couldnt decide which Pixar movie to get for my daughter.
Eventually, I just gave Up.

My wife says I have only two flaws
I forgot one and the other was something about not listening.

A prison warden was inspecting the work crews one day ...
The warden observed some prisoners doing facility laundry. Others he observed sweeping the halls. Finally, he stopped at a particular prisoner who was mending shirts.

"Sewing, are we?" asked the warden.

"No," said the prisoner sadly, "I'm reaping."

I met a guy who loved to make shoes
It was his sole purpose.