Two guys are robbing a liquor store. One of them asks he other "is this whiskey?"
The other one says : yeah, but it's not as wisky as wobbing a bank
A man walks into a barUpon sitting down a busty blond waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would like some food.
He looks up at the menu above the bar.
It says Hot Dog $2, Cheeseburger $5, and Handjob $10.
He asks the waitress, "Miss, are you the one who gives the handjobs?"
She winks and replies, "Why yes I am."
He says, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
I'm so excited to go to my first event after joining the Amateur Autopsy Club.
Tomorrow is Open Mike Night.
Political opinions are like dicks
Its okay to have them, just dont shove them down peoples throats.
How is a handwritten letter like a lazy dog?
A handwritten letter is an ink lined plane.
An inclined plane is a slope up.
A slow pup is a lazy dog.
Saw my doctor about erectile dysfunction. He said, You could try Viagra, or if you want something stronger, Cialis.
I said, Hmm show me a picture of Alice first.
I'm finally able to start my dream of building a zoo in my home town. The best resources say that first, I need a breeding pair of Pandas, three Grizzlies and at least one Koala...
I guess that's the bare minimum.
Whats big, sticky, and brown?
A stick!
Whats the difference between Indian & Vietnamese cuisine?
Ones Nan-profit while the other is Pho-profit
A calf asks his dad if hes gay
The dad replies no im bi-son
Why do celebrities never complain about heat?
Cause they have a lot of fans.
I'm heartbroken because my car is missing from the garage where I parked it last night.
It's a red Ford Escape
At dinner, I asked my date if she was religious. She said she was still deciding because the Baptists wanted her to join, but so did the Catholics, an Orthodox Jewish congregation, and even a Hindu temple.
I said, Wow You clearly have some serious sects appeal.
The gap between rungs on a ladder keeps increasing as the world's population keeps growing taller and taller. This phenomenom is officially known as...
Climb-It Change.
My wife is mad because every time she farts I hold a lighter up to her butt.
She says I need to stop gaslighting her.
Tried to park my car up in a residential area. One of the people that lived there shouted over to me you cant park here unless you have a felt frog on your windscreen
Apparently, I needed a parking Kermit.
I went to a hairdresser and asked for a cut like Tom Cruise. She gave me a booster seat.
If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia,
...would you get a phillips screwdriver?
My local brothel has been closed for a few days.
The sign on the door says, Were closed, so beat it!
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with wearing a different t-shirt every hour.
I said, Wait, I can change.
My Plunge Into The Abyss
By Eileen de Toufarr
I'm thinking about breeding racing deer.
I'm looking to make a quick buck...
Ive heard a way of avoiding the winter weight gain is to wear gloves. Making it harder to hold calorific items.
Some might even say Im into mitten fasting.
Snow Turtles
My son was asking about Turtles and I told him we have Snow Turtles in Manchester. He didnt believe me, so we phone his Granny. She confirmed Theres no Turtles in Manchester
I want to sit on the floor naked but,
I'm scared of ground meat.