My Doctor walked in saying, "I have your test results..."
"... You need to stop masturbating."

Shocked, I asked, "Why Doctor?"

My Doctor immediately snapped back, yelling, "'Cause you're distracting me from reading you your test results!"

I switched all the labels on my wife's spice rack.
I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

What has 3/7 chicken, 2/3 cat, and 2/4 goat?
Chicago.

My kid asked if we could hang out and do a puzzle. I said sure. Then he said a crossword. Fine. Then sudoku. Okay. Then he goes, can we do connect-the-dots?
Thats where I draw the line.

Did you know that cows kill more people than sharks?
I'm surprised that cows kill any sharks at all.

I knew I had a weight problem when I ate my familys entire dinner straight out of the pan.
Thats when I hit wok bottom.

How do you make antifreeze?
You take away her blanket.

What did Attilas wife say to him every evening?
Good night, Hun!

How do vikings send secret messages?
Norse code

364 days until Christmas...
... and people already have their lights up. Unbelievable.

Someone broke into my apartment and stole every lamp.
I'm so delighted.

I said to my daughter, Its amazing how mice can survive these cold winters.
She responded, Yep, theyre able to squeak by.

Why do dragons sleep during the day?
They like to fight knights.

What did one hat say to the other?
You go on ahead.

I followed my daughter with a drone from the sky.
My wife says it's too over perspective

How did Elvis get rid of a mouse in Graceland?
It was Caught in a Trap.

Tried to turn on a virtual fireplace on Netflix earlier, but it didn't work.
Realized I forgot to put the login.

What do you call when the cows escape from the barn?
A mootiny

Did you know that D-day was delayed 3 times?
It was because of A-day, B-day, and C-day.

What do you call 200 shepherds in a conference room?
A shearholder meeting

What do you get if you put "The Sound of Music" in the Star Wars galaxy?
Don't do it. It's a von Trapp.

What did the daddy tomato say to the baby tomato?
A father tomato and a baby tomato are walking

The baby tomato falls behind.

The father tomato squishes him and says, "Ketchup.

What will be the final product Apple will ever produce?
IQuit

A blonde comes home crying and says to her boyfriend that his technique to "avoid eye contact when someone stares too long" didn't work and got her fired.
Her boyfriend asks, "Why so?" "Well," she says, "it fucked up the eye surgery."

what does a yorkshire horse say when introducing itself?
neigh up