Can you take off the corset, I can't breathe!"a woman said to her husband.
Sure, if it will make you stop laughing and tell me how I look in it.he replied.

I changed a light bulb, crossed the street and walked into a bar...
My life is a joke.

If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN...
They become VERY ANGRY.

I went to see Wicked this weekend, but I have to say it was a huge disappointment.
There wasnt a single candle in the entire show.

What did the cops say when they arrested the lettuce?
You have the right to romaine silent.

Someone handed me a pamphlet with crocodiles ranked from best to worst.
I said enough with your crocodile tiers!

The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said, "Happy...," and started timing on her watch.
After a long silence she said, "...40-second birthday." I was so proud.

There was a time I was so broke that I couldnt pay my electricity bills.
Those were the darkest days of my life.

Military affairs
I was having an affair with my superior officer, she was beautiful. But it was too weird, too strained by the fact that I was a private and she a Sergeant. So I pulled her aside one day and said, 'listen Tina, I have to break it off, it's getting too difficult to keep going'. But she was mad at me and she started crying. I tried to console her, I said 'Don't cry for me Sergeant Tina!"

You think gas and electricity are expensive. Have you seen chimneys?
They're through the roof

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only 1 but it takes years and the light bulb has to really want to change.

Why do skeletons not fight each other?
They dont have guts

Doctor asks his patient "what's your zodiac sign". Patient replies"Cancer"
Doctor looks at test results and says "wow what a coincidence"

What shape is a ship at the bottom of the ocean?
A wrecked tangle

Yesterday I learned that Ireland's capital is increasing at an exponential rate.
In fact it's Dublin!

Why do Police Officers start so early in the morning?
They like to beat the crowd.

An inventor friend of mine created a thought-controlled air freshener.
An inventor friend of mine created a thought-controlled air freshener. It sounded like a ridiculous idea, but he said it makes scents when you think about it.

what do you call a duck that likes to get high?
A quackhead.

How does Lady Gaga like her steaks?
Raw raw raw raw raw

My garden hose never worked because it was perverted.
Too kinky.

What kind of underwear does Donald Trump wear, boxers or briefs?
Mmmmm. Depends

What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe!!!

.I sent a photo of myself to a lonely hearts club
THey sent it back stating they aren't that lonely

Banquet foods is celebrating the 70th anniversary of the turkey pot pie. To date the factory has produced 900 gallons of mashed potatoes; 300 gallons of gravy ;200 gallons of peas and carrots 75 gallons of apple cobbler and
And killed only one turkey in the process

Ill tell you what I know about dwarfs.
Very little.

Truth be told, I fucking love dwarfs, but I never tell them that I love them, because I dont want them to get big-headed.