I went to the bank today, and started yelling how this bank has the worst customer service. The guy next to be says, "Sir this is a river."
I said, "I know I was fishing for attention."

I had a neighbour who was a hairdresser, but he doesnt cut hair any longer
He cuts it shorter

Do you know whats great about orcas?
They do a killer whale impression

Waiter asked me, Sir, how do you like your steak?
Me, Like winning an argument with my wife

Him, Rare it is

An assassin released a music album.
It was a hit, man.

I asked the librarian if the library had books on paranoia.
She whispered, Theyre right behind you.

I turned down a job offer today after being told the 401(k) contributions were mandatory
I told the hiring manager I just couldnt run that far!

A man is wanted for stealing wheels off of police cars.
Officers are working tirelessly to catch him.

Did you hear about the two blind men who went to a seafood restaurant
It didnt change anything

Everyone knows who Eminem is.
You don't have to be a smartie or a nerd to do that.

I used to be afraid of speed bumps
I slowly got over it though.

Paddy says to Mick, "I found this pen, is it yours?"
Mick replies, "I don't know, give it here." He tries it and says, "Yes it is."

Paddy asks, "How do you know?"

Mick replies, "That's my handwriting."

Why don't Astronaunts listen to gangster rap?
Because there's zero gees in space.

(Made it up a few years back).

I asked my dog whats two minus two.
He said nothing.

Seven has the word "even" in it
that is odd

What did the mollusk say when he stepped on a Lego?
Concha tu madre!

What do you call a woman who sets fire to her electric bill?
Bernadette

Why does Winnie the Pooh carry an EpiPen?
because he is always breaking into hives.

I went to the store to buy some camouflage clothing
couldnt find any

I'm in a dispute with my local council. They tell me that children's playground equipment can't be used as rental property.
I can't let that slide.

Chicken coops
Do you know why chicken coops only have two doors?

Because if they had four, they'd be called chicken sedan.

Why didnt Elsa go to the doctor when she was sick?
The cold never bothered her anyway.

I tried chicken farming once, but i was a complete failure...
Not sure if I buried them too deep, or too far apart.

Why did the cow want a divorce from the bull?
She didnt feel herd in the relationship

What kind of jeans does a ghost hunter wear ?
Just a paranormal jean