A girl told me she wanted to be "just friends".
I said "Can we be friends with benefits?". She said "So, you just wanna fool around?". I said "No, I want you to add me on your health insurance."
Last night a man was hit over the head with a violin, then a clarinet and finally a French horn.
Police say it was an orchestrated attack.
When you fart it can be either silent or loud
And then theres the turd option
What do you call a potato that is turned to the dark side
Darth Tater.
New York is the exact opposite of Minnesota. New York is where the Big Apple is and Minnesota is where
Minneapolis
What do you call a dinosaur fart?
A blast from the past.
My fiend complained that he always drives me around, but I never pay him back.
So I asked him for his wallet, let out a giant fart into it, closed it, and handed it back to him. I gave him gas money.
What do you call a group of ants living up your rectum?
A colon-y
How do you tell the sex of ant?Put it in water.
If it sinks... Girl ant.
If it floats... BOYANT
When a woman has a baby, why is it called delivery?
It's pretty obvious that it's takeout.
My uncle had a tragic accident at work, he fell into the upholstery machine.Did he die?
No, hes fully recovered
Who can drink 5 gallons of petrol without throwing up?
Jerry can.
Ive lost control I dont see an end Theres no escape I dont even have a home anymore. Sigh
Guess its time to buy a new keyboard.
There used to be a statue of a naked man and a woman facing each other's direction.For hundreds of years they were like that, when a wizzard came by and felt pity for them and casted a spell that gave the statues life for 1 hour.
they didnt wait a second and ran to the bushes, where people could hear laughing and moaning. after some time of that, the statues came out of the bushes and the wizard said "you guys still have another 30 min, if you want to do that again".
the woman's statue looked at the man's statue and said "fine, but this time i'm holding the pigeons and you the one who poo over them!"
I recently joined a dating group for pyromaniacs
I got a match straight away
A fighter, a rogue, a mage, and a cleric walk into a bar......and the bartender says "sorry, we don't cater for parties".
(it's a bit niche for a dad joke, sure, but I think it's still adequately paternal.)
I heard the US mint stopped making pennies
It makes no cents!!
The government stopped making the penny.
So you are telling me the government doesn't make cents?
Today I added Geologist on my CV because I hit rockbottom for the umpteenth time
I have a Phd in rocks. put some respect in my accolades :)
Did you know Cardi B has a sister who's into fitness?
Cardi-O
Why do nuns all dress the same?
It's just a habit
What does one boob say to the other boob?
If we don't get some support, people will think we're nuts!
What do you call it when a naked person sits down?
A moon landing
Today, the US Mint will officially mint the last US penny and will no longer produce them in the future.
This makes no cents.
Why does the atheist debater idolize Mike Tyson?
Because he punches people in the faith