Bad news, everyone. Ive been diagnosed with the peekaboo virus.
Theyre sending me to the ICU!
If a stork delivers a baby, what kind of bird gets rid of a baby?
A swallow
I taught my car how to read and write.
Now it's going to write an Autobiography
Do you guys know what gay horses eat?
HAAAAAAAAAAAAY
Bilbo Baggins fought a long and courageous battle against death. His final words were...
"Old hobbits die hard".
Why was Riker upset when Troi cooked him dinner?
She said that she got her crabs straight from the wharf
Im lactose intolerant but my friend gave me milk
How dairy
Why cant Data from Star Trek give birth?
He cant do contractions.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you
You have my word.
I was once addicted to soap.
But now I'm clean!
I knew a guy who was arrested for stealing hay.
Unfortunately, he couldnt make bale.
I went to a bookstore and saw a book titled How to solve 50% of your problems.
I bought two copies.
At dinner, I told my date, Jeez, I am freezing! She said, Ill go ask if they have a space heater.
I said, No thanks, I need something for down here.
I met a witch for the first time today, but I think I'd seen her black kitten before.
He seemed a little familiar.
[Warning! 18+]
19
I told my Polish Grandmother I didnt like dumplings
She told me thats my pierogitive
A pizza...
is basically a real-time pie chart of how much pizza is left.
Why isnt Jonathan Ross very good at Star Wars impressions?
Hes a Wookie
Recently encountered a cat made of Lithium, Oxygen, and NitrogenIt was a LiON
Sorry, I typically post chemistry jokes periodically
If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck
..then theres something wrong with your dog.
Win today
I have 2 stepdaughters and a biological son with my wife. Today I won a silly event at a show dinner in front of my kids. It was so stupid (bucket brigade) but it was in front of them. My son and youngest stepdaughter were so proud to see daddy win. It was a really cool feeling with them especially my son. Something Im still riding high on. I dont really have anyone to share this with so figured I would here. My son hasnt stopped talking about watching daddy win and Im a very happy man.
I relabeled the spice rack without my wifes permission
She doesnt know it yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Why was the Penguin so popular?
Because he was an ice guy!
A farmer asked his horse if it had stolen his thesaurus...
The horse said, "no."
Even though some people make leatherworking tools out of vegetables
I don't carrot awl.