Possibly my finest hourMy wife and I came down with whatever violent cold is going around, sneezing, coughing, miserable. We got over it, but just couldn't shake the cough. After a few days, I was talking to a friend about it, and he mentioned getting an over-the-counter thing that really helped, so I bought a couple of boxes online. When they were delivered, my wife saw what they were and immediately got upset.
"You know I just got cold medicine a few days ago! You could have just asked where it was, and now we've got boxes and boxes of the stuff, and we'll have to store it, and it'll just be sitting around for years, and....."
When she finally wound down, I said, "You're right, I shouldn't have gotten it. I should have known you'd get upset. It even warned me."
"Huh?"
"Yeah, it says here on the box: 'Expect a rant.'"
Despite common beliefs, Pontius Pilate didnt invent Pilates
He invented CrossFit!
I was arrested for playing loud music in a vegetable garden.
Charged with disturbing the peas.
I used to be a night stocker, but now I just check people out.
Grocery store joke.
What do you call a pensioner who just scored 3 goals?
Gerry hat-trick
There's a new competitor for Discord on the internet.
It's called Datcord.
What do you call a tiny court room
Trial sized
They are making a new TV series starring a potato and a ear of corn.
It's going to be called starchy and husk.
My dad's penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records.
Until I told him to take it out
What do you call Vin Diesel's brother?
Twin Diesel
ACCIDENTALLY WENT to "Tooters" instead of "Hooters" and now...
I'm enjoying some Tacos, 4 hard boiled eggs and a BIG bowl of chili.
My sister met her husband at a Scrabble tournament 20 years ago.
Next week they are going to renew their vowels...
What do you call a Saiyan thats vegan?
Veg-eta
Why can't Mickey Mouse fly to Scotland?
His plane disneyland
I'm afraid of backstories.
It all started when ... aaaaAAAAAAHHHHH!
I ran into a lady at a Vegan restaurant who said she knew me
But I never met herbivore
The exhaust from the rocket created a huge cloud of wispy gases which resembled a beautiful and fragrant tropical flower.
A white plume area.
You dont have to pay retail price for bagels and donuts.
Just buy them holesale.
My friend denies there's a big northern territory in Canada with a lot of ice and islands...
...but I'm having Nunavut.
What did one currency say to the other currency?
I appreciate you
SpaceX has decided what to name their first colony on Mars
Muskow
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look a bit flushed.
Whats the difference between my dad and a golf ball?
The golf ball doesnt yell when you hit it from behind
My Dad asked what I learned at school today
I told him 2 White guys liked pioneer. 3 Asain guys liked Samsung and 6 Black guys liked Sony. My dad, full therapist mode, puts his had on my shoulder and says, Son those are just stereo types.
How much does music equipment weigh in Jamaica?
A reggaeton!