Did you know when you are clinically dead you continue to be able to see for about two minutes?
Because your pupils dilate.

Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book
Not only was it embarrassing but it cost a fortune in stamps.

How does a bald man run his fingers through his hair?
He cuts holes in his pockets

What happens when you cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy?
You have a rash of good luck (I was just itching to tell someone.)

I keep getting phone calls from the Military all the time.
Does anyone know who this Private Number is?

Did you hear about the scientist who accidentally froze himself to -273.15C?
In the end, he was 0k

What's the opposite of an onion?
An offion.

Did you know that the expression not a palindrome
Is not a palindrome?

I live in New Jersey and I ride-share with two other people to our jobs in Manhattan. However, around half-way there, I get severe pain in my hands, so I went to see a doctor.
Apparently, I have carpool tunnel syndrome.

What do you call a male hooker?
A Prostidude

What does a hot dog use for protection?
Condoments

I got a tattoo of a thermos on my arm.
Now I can tell my son, Dont touch the thermos tat!

What do you call Batman that skips church?
Christian Bale

I hate when I cant read my own handwriting.
Luckily that only happens when I write myself instructions on how to turn on the lights.

I can't stand those shirts with the little alligator on them.
I'm Lacoste-Intolerant

You know it actually makes sense that a lot of socialists are introverts,
After all they hate company

I'm thinking of quitting smoking for my New Year's resolution.
All I've got to do now is start smoking.

Looking for help researching German U-boats
Oops, sorry, wrong sub.

Iran just created their own version of Sesame Street. Everything's the same, all the characters are the same, except the Count von Count has been replaced...
...with the Ayatollah Howmany.

I will be confronting the guy who unplugged my refrigerator
But I need to let things cool off first.

I used to have an uncontrollable obsession with buying large boats.
Thankfully, the antibuyyachtics worked.

After my neighbor spied on us for months with his telescope, I went to his house and stole his tripod.
It was about time to take a stand.

Im insecure about going to see a movie by myself.
Thats why I always take a bus.

Beauty is like a light bulb
Both lie in the eye of the holder..