I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth this morning. Thankfully no harm was done..
But I'm now speaking with a weird Axe scent..

I just went for my prostate exam
...got the thumbs up.

Just ate my last piece of brie and now its raining.
Aint no sunshine when cheese gone.

Out shopping
At Menards, had a fairly full cart, just loitering. Employee asked if I was ready to check out.

Without thinking I said I'm pretty sure I've got a few good years left. Wife didn't appreciate it. She needs a sense of humor

What gender is a doorbell?
Male. It has a ding dong.

I caused an accident after hearing a joke in the car
I was charged with vehicular man's laughter

During our tour of Philadelphia, the guide pointed out the U.S. Mint and said, Believe it or not, this facility discontinued making pennies here last year.
I leaned over to my wife and whispered, That doesnt make any cents!

Why didnt the pasta ask his friend to help him move?
He didnt know if he was stroganoff

I bought my sick dad a snowboard in the hope that it would improve his bad health.
Hes gone downhill since, though.

I heard there was a mass exodus of tech bros from the Lone Star state.
Now its just tech sis.

After days of digging, I've finally cracked Forrest Gump's computer password
Turns out, it's 1Forrest1

Arnold Schwarzenegger is set to star in a new biopic about a famous 17th century composer
When asked for details, he replied "I'll be Bach."

What do people say at the end of a hip hop concert?
Thats a rap!

The boss said I could do the job without supervision.
Which is good because my vision is getting blurry as I get older.

So I knew this baseball player who could ONLY poop while clutching his lucky bat. He lost it one day and went days without a BM. Concerned for his health, I finally convinced him to go to the hospital.
They said he was bat shit crazy.

What is the difference between grey and gray?
Gray is a colour, while grey is a color.

My wife told me her best friend just discovered the man shed been dating was actually an android. I said, Thats awful. Is she handling it okay?
Not at all sounds like she blew a fuse.

My wife asked me, Did you eat the last piece of cake in the refrigerator? I said, No, I ate it in the living room.
And, thats how the fight started!

My wife and I are both people-pleasers, and we end up constantly competing over which of the two of us can be more accommodating
I usually let her win

I nearly lost my job as a roofer after being caught masturbating on the first day.
Luckily the boss said I could wipe the slate clean.

What do you call a man without a body or a nose?
Nobody nose

Got fired from my new job as a bank teller after 1 day
I have a difficult time dealing with change.

Egypt is known as the land of single parents
this is because there are all these mummies but no daddies

How do you go to the bathroom in Northern Michigan?
U.P.

What do you call an alligator who is figuring out where to go?
A navigator