My girlfriend said I have no sense of direction.
So I packed my things and right.

I'm proud of my 13 yo daughter. I told her to load and run the dishwasher.
She said the dishwasher can't run... it's got no legs!

I'm glad to see my teaching has not been wasted.

One of my friends is a flat earther.
Though he prefers i use the term bulldozer operator.

I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed.

My neighbour told me he was scared to plant an apple tree
I told him to grow a pear.

As I got off the elevator, the operator said, Have a good day, son. I said, Dont call me son. Youre not my dad.
He replied, Maybe not but I did bring you up.

I went to a store where they use explosives to create jewelry.
As I entered there was a loud "bang". It made my earring.

have you heard of the picture that got a death sentence?
i heard it'll be hanged soon, but apparently it got framed. so for the meantime, i hope it's hanging in there

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up,said a sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one student rose to her feet.

Now then young lady, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer.

Well, actually I don't," said the girl, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

I told my wife I had a joke about construction but I'm still working on it
So last night at dinner my kid asked me why I always have a joke ready for every situation. I told him it was just part of my foundation. He groaned. My wife put her head in her hands. I considered it a success.

But honestly it got me thinking about all the construction puns out there just waiting to be built upon. Like, I tried to come up with a joke about concrete but it kept hardening back to the same punchline. I thought about roofing jokes but they all go over people's heads. Even my jokes about elevators have their ups and downs.

My personal favorite to tell at family gatherings: I asked my brotherinlaw what his favorite part of being a contractor was. He said the money. I said mine was all the groundbreaking work.

He has not invited me to a cookout since 2019 and I respect that boundary while also refusing to change my behavior in any way whatsoever.

If you have a good construction pun I would love to hear it. I am always looking to add more material. My family is begging me not to but their opinion was not solicited and will not be considered.

Drop your best below.

Best part of flying on an airplane seated next to a green bean?
The legume.

Yachts.
A wealthy Frenchman was showing off his yachts.
"This is un, this is deux, this is trois, this is quatre, this is six..." "What happened to five?" his wife asked.
"Cinq" he answered

I was driving past a cemetery this morning and saw a man walking around. I shouted, Morning!
He replied, No, just walking the dog.

I saw this bloke with a long stick outside the stadium
'Are you a pole vaulter?' I asked.

'No,' he replied. 'I'm German and how did you know that my name was Walter?'

Why do we dress baby boys in blue, and baby girls in pink?
Because they cant dress themselves.

A rabbit wakes up and realizes his fur is completely tangled up
It was a bad hare day

Why can't North Koreans go to heaven?
They have no Seoul.

Where's the best place in Canada to find a Bigfoot?
Sasquatchewan

Today I told my wife about the scientist...
..who imagined a machine which could lessen sudden high-velocity incidents of wind. He never pursued it, though, because he found the whole idea disgusting.

What snack do you crave when it gets a little late?
Chocolate.

Im done with Jolly Green Giant products
Unfortunately Im never going to buy anymore vegetable products advertised by the Jolly Green Giant. I just realized he stands over the corn and peas!

Today I learned: 'Politics' is a word derived from greek
poli meaning 'many'

tics meaning 'blood sucking parasites'

My daughter used to be into dinosaurs in an huge way
She knew about hundreds of species and could tell you all about them when she was only in Kindergarten. She learned that birds are not only related to dinosaurs, but are so closely related that some argue they are the surviving dinosaurs of today's ecosystem. We liked this idea so much, we all started calling birds dinosaurs. We'd look outside and say, "Hey! There's a dinosaur in the backyard!"

One day, I heard my daughter call out...

"Hey! There's a dinosaur on the fence!"

...to which I replied...

"Then tell him to make up his mind!"

Why's the book so thick?
its a long story

Why do Norwegian ships have barcodes on them?
So when they come in to port, they can Scandinavian.