Did you know that Spider-Man has a Winter jacket made out of flatbread?
It's a Pita Parka

It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But harder to deter gents.

where do you find Bigfoot in the library?
in the large print section

My wife looked out the window and asked, How did you finally get our lawn to grow like that? I said, Every morning this week, I sprinkled my protein powder on the wet grass.
She nodded. Ah well that was whey over dew.

Job interview
A guy is interviewing for a job at a factory. During the interview, he spots a dime on the floor across the room, walks over and picks it up.
The interviewer says, "You know what, I think you'd make a great boss here."
Surprised, the guy asks, "Why's that?"
The interviewer says because you have super vision skills.

I'm really good at spelling bees
Bees B E E S bees

Rice-shaped pasta? Doesn't exist
Orzo I thought.

Why is Apple's new folding phone a cracking good deal?
Because the price is great, but the design is completely unhinged.

Running.
Got up this morning and ran around the block 5 times.

Then I got tired, so I picked up the block and put it back in the toy box.

King Kong wasnt getting his point across to his fellow primates.
This is a monarchy! he barked. Not a Banana Republic!

I crossed cheetah and crab DNA.
It went sideways really fast.

IT IS MILDLY SHOCKING that those who call themselves a FLORIST,...
...know ABSOLUTELY nothing about installing linoleum.

Iamonthemoonandthereisnowheretogetabeer
.

Thereisnospacebar.

Whats the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One weighs a ton, and the other is a little lighter

My wife swears she can hear our baby from three miles away. I told her that's ridiculous.
Honestly, it's a far cry from the truth.

Whats made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones

What's another name for an Asian assassin?
Chinese take-out

No one looks better than you in that reddish-orange dress.
Youre one in vermillion!

What do you call an irritable German?
A sauerkraut.

Due to inflation, my ADHD diagnosis has been changed
Now I have ADSD with ads

Did you hear about the Transformer who's move is to just play dead until the trouble blows over?
Opossumus Prime.

I made a joke about Sigmund Freud.
But some people are too Jung to understand it.

Wife: Why dont you tell me anything anymore?
Husband: I have updated my privacy policy

My father always told me the best way to build a career is to dress for the job you want, not the one you have.
It didn't go very well when I turned up to the office in a Space suit.

Overlooked...
The invisible man goes to the doctors' office and the doctor says " I'm sorry, I can't see you right now..."