NASA is going to launch a rocket to say sorry to the aliens.
Its called Apollo G.

My friend told me that drinking beer would make him smarter...
But, I don't think anything would make my Budweiser

I bought shoes from a drug dealer once.
I dont know what he laced them with but I was tripping all day long.

My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape.
That would be a big step forward.

Just found an old DVD of Jerry Maguire. Favourite part is when Renee Zellwager says "You had me at Ahoy"
I must have a pirated copy

I need everyone to wish me luck. I'm going to the bank and if all goes well, I'll be completely out of debt.
I'm so excited, I can barely put on my ski mask!

I didn't want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.

I posted my resume on LinkedIn Park...
Applied so hard and got so far

But in the end I wasn't even hired

I bought my wife a brand new iron for Valentines Day, but she got mad and refused to take it.
So I added it to my golf bag.

Has anyone ever heard about the french Lord of cheese from the 1600s?
He lived in a Roquefort

I accidentally drank holy water with my laxative
Im about to start a religious movement.

The problem with eating pizza is that when Ive had one I want another, and another
Its the Dominos effect

Why did the coffee file a police report?
It got mugged.

Why are libraries so tall?
Because they have many stories.

Sadly, the inventor of the throat lozenge has died.
There will be no coffin at his funeral.

I will see myself out

Breaking News: Elon Musk & Bill Gates have joined hands to make a Penis Enhancer.....
They will call it ELONGATES

When can you never plant flowers?
When you haven't botany.

I'm very bad at maths.
All the people who can use it properly to me are math magicians.

A drunk walks into a bar leaving the door slightly open behind him. The bartender yells Close the door. Drunk: l dont see a door. Bartender: lts right behind you! Drunk: You mean the jar? The frustrated the bartender runs around the bar and taps on the door. Door! Door! Door!
Drunk: Sir a door is not a a door when its ajar!

I didnt serve in WWII just to see the world end up like it is today.
But you werent even alive during WWII

Like I said, I did not serve in WWII.

What's the difference between tai chi and chai tea?
One helps you find inner peace

The other helps you find the energy to deal with people who dont have any.

My wife and kids are leaving me because they say Im obsessed with horse racing.
Im looking out the window at them now

And theyre off.

My wife gave birth today. After thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and asked How soon can we have sex?
He glanced at his watch, winked, and said,

Im off in ten minutes. Meet me in the parking lot.

I found out last night that Albert Einstein was a real person.
I was quite surprised, because I always thought that he was a theoretical physicist.

How come it is called "tripping and falling"...
And not "stumblin' and crumblin'"?