A pea, a lemon, and a potato were leaving a bar at the top of a very steep hill after a long night.
The pea, feeling quite energetic, shouted, "Lads! We're all roundlet's just roll home!" and immediately shot down the hill.

The lemon wobbled after him, but his oval shape made him list violently from side to side, which did nothing for his unsettled stomach. The potato followed behind, trundling along slowly.

When the potato finally reached the bottom, he found the lemon leaning against a lamp post, looking very pale and clearly sick. The pea, however, was already jumping up and down. "That was brilliant! Let's do it again!"

The potato looked at the lemon, then back at the pea, and said: "Easy peasy, lemons queasy.".

What kind of pants does a ghost hunter wear?
Just a paranormal jeans.

Man: We should go out for a coffee sometime?
Woman: How about 10 tomorrow?

Man: No, that's too many.

I used to think rich people owned Bose music systems and the rest of us had Sony products
turns out those are just stereotypes.

Went to the doctor about my obsessive bragging and he gave me an anti-boasting cream ......
......I can't wait to rub it in.

Killer Whales eating rich people from sinking yachts may look opportunistic...
But it's actually very well orchestrated.

My son came to me and asked, dad can you explain to me what is a solar eclipse.
Then I responded to him, no son.

What is a skeletons favorite musical instrument?
A trom Bone!

Alcohol.
Scientists have finished a study on how alcohol can affect a persons ability to walk.

The results are staggering.

I have been informed that drinking too much alcoholic beverages can make you gay.
Apparently when we are drunk, we don't think straight.

Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.

I have a crippling fear of elevators...
so I am taking steps to address that.

Senior Citizens
My wife and I went into town to shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He just ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him an "butthead." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So my wife called him a "jerk." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we offended him, the more tickets he wrote. He finally finished, sneered at us and walked away. Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's so important at our age!!

I bought my GF,who is an Airport customs Officer,a lovely birthday present all wrapped up nicely in bag.
she said, have you packed this bag yourself or did someone else pack it for you?

If I were to work at a used record store...
I would tell every customer that "all sales are vinyl."

Whats a North Korean defectors favorite band?
Run DMZ

While most puns make me feel numb...
Math puns make me feel number.

I honestly don't know what my parents did to relieve boredom before the Internet was invented.
I asked my 10 siblings and they don't know either.

Which Disney princess likes dad jokes the most?
RaPUNzel

Im afraid for the calendar
It's days are numbered

Im tired of people putting flyers on my car.
I dont want to see this new band called Parking Violation and Ive never heard of the venue the courthouse!!!

Police stop
Cop stop: "You drinking?"

Me: "You buying?"

Cop: "Lets start over...do you have a police record?"

Me: "Well, I really like Roxanne!"

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer....
I don't know what he laced them but I've been tripping all day.

Who is the patron saint of babies?
St. Roller