A husband is out in the backyard with his wife, who is busy gardening.He's feeling a bit mischievous and says, "You know, honey, your butt is getting so big, its starting to look like that BBQ grill over there."
The wife ignores him and keeps weeding. Later that night in bed, the husband starts making some romantic advances. His wife completely brushes him off and rolls over.
"What's wrong?" he asks, surprised.She replies, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"
Family checks into a hotel and father says I hope the porn is disabled here.
Naw, its just regular porn, you sick fuck. replies the front desk clerk.
I nearly dropped a carton of eggs while unpacking groceries with my wife but I caught them before they hit the groundI told her that I should be leading the x-men.
She said "why"
I said "because I'm professor egg savior"
Don't mean to brag or anything, but the cashiers at the grocery store are always checking me out.
Lol
I was reaching for a book then it hit me
I only have my shelf to blame
My doctor told me I could have a stroke at any time
Now Im a registered sex offender
I got booted from the coffee club
Because I wore a tea shirt
Can someone please tell this old man what tysm means?
Thank you so much
Why are most horses in shape?
They are on a stable diet!
I asked my dog whats two minus two.
He said nothing.
A man dies and is so overwhelmed he asks St. Peter for a cigarette and something to light it with
It was a match made in heaven.
Mother's Day is the day in America with the least crime
That says a lot about how much crime is committed by mothers who can't do anything illegal that day because they are with their kids having brunch.
People from Taiwan are so obsessed with my blood.
Always asking if I'm Type A
Wheres the best place to keep your Dad jokes?
In a dadda-base!
If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN
they become VERY ANGRY.
My uncle lost all his limbs working at a landmine factory
I told him its probably best to quit while hes a head
Two caterpillars are escaping a spider. They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped. "Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar and he quickly chews through the branch.It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and uses them to steer the branch through the air with grace and finesse.
"That's amazing!!" says the second caterpillar. "How in the hell are you doing that?!"
The first caterpillar scoffs.
"Am I the only one in the whole damn forest who knows how to drive a stick!?"
Why did the library only have 2 books?
It was a two story building.
What is a pirates favorite thing at a birthday party
da balloons
My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3 years, when we separated, she returned exactly a $100.
I lost interest in that relationship.
My church serves noodles for communion.
We're the Ramen Catholic.
What do you call a possessed accordion?
Polka Haunt Us!
Guys, please don't make any archery jokes.
They make me quiver.
The bakery was having a BOGO sale.
I can finally have my cake and eat it too.
There's been a breakdown at the hyperbole factory
Authorities are saying "Meh. It'll be fine eventually."