I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer Smoking or Non-smoking.
Apparently the correct terms are Cremation and Burial.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood drive.What are your blood types? the nurse asks.
The rabbit replies, I think Im a type O."

The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if i'd like to masturbate in the cup...
I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but i don't think i am ready to compete just yet"

I asked a Google programmer why it took them so long to update their web browser.
He said "well, Chrome wasn't built in a day."

How did the whoopee cushion die?
He had a fart attack

I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasnt happy at all.
How much have you had to drink? she asked sternly, staring at me. Nothing I slurred. Look at me! she shouted. Its either me or the pub, which one is it? I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, Its you. I can tell by the voice.

What does the receptionist at the sperm bank says when donors are leaving?
Thank you for coming!

A bear walks into a bar
And says to the bartender, Ill have a rum and coke. The bartender asks, Why the big pause? Dunno, I was born with them

I dressed up as a screwdriver this Halloween.
It wasn't the greatest costume but it turned a lot of heads.

What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin

What did death say to the calendar?
Your days are numbered.

An Irishman is rescued from a burning pub.
Asked if he saw how the fire started, he says:

Irishman: No idea. It was already on fire when I arrived.

What did Poison Ivy wear under her clothes?
Planties.

Most Star Wars fans dont know how carefully constructed the Millennium Falcon really is.
It was Han made.

Where do cows and pigs get their meds?
At the farmacy.

I cant believe someone broke into my house and stole all of my fruit.
I am peachless.

I call it an elevator but my British friend calls it a lift.
I guess we were raised differently.

She said I was the biggest disappointment shed ever had.
I said, Wow still the biggest, though.

Nothing energizes me more than looking through doors.
Guess Im a peephole person.

The trainee acrobat went bankrupt
He just kept losing his balance

I almost threw up trying to follow a medieval weight-loss plan.
Thats the last time I try the Diet of Worms.

Why do you never see a milking barn on a boat?
Some naughty cow reason, Im sure.

What do you call a person who dresses up like a dog but stays anonymous?
Indognito

Where does a seahorse go of they can't find a partner?
To the sea whores

I got a handjob from a blind woman once. She told me, "This is the biggest dick I've ever come across"
I said, "No, you are just pulling my leg"