What did the electrician's wife say when her husband came home late from work?
Wire you insulate

I asked the librarian if they had books on paranoia.
She whispered, Theyre right behind you."

So many people these days are too judgmental.
I can tell just by looking at them.

Someone told me that the moon landing was staged, and I agreed 100%
I said "because that's how all orbital rocket work dude!"

Missouri has the most bordering states (8, tied with tennessee) out of any of the 50 United States of America.
You know what they say, Missouri loves company.

Somebody left an unlabeled box of random parts from IKEA at my door, with no instructions.
Im not quite sure what to make of it.

The Earth is flat!
It is mostly covered in non carbonated water.

I spent all my money on 18th century music.
Now im baroque

After the experiment, Benjamin Franklin returned his kite to the store.
He got another one free of charge.

If towels could tell jokes,
I bet they would have a dry sense of humor.

Why werent the pants allowed in school?
Because they were suspended.

What do you call a replacement fart?
A substi-toot

Bonuses :

Someone who gets paid to fart? Prosti-toot

Weight of a fart? Magni-toot

An aggressive fart? Atti-toot

Why do geese fly south in winter?
because it would take longer if they walked

What is the technical term for a rabbit with fleas?
Bugs Bunny.

Two blondes talking. One says "I just took a pregnancy test"
The other replies "Were the questions hard"

Did you know Napoleon almost died at the siege of Acre?
He was almost blown-a-part

Why can't we all stand up as one and say no more vaccines?
Having polio makes it hard to stand

What country excels at grilling?
Searia!

Why did Santa take a break?
He felt Claus-trophobic

Al Gore should have started a smooth jazz band.
Could have called it "Al Gore Rhythms"

I got my husband a "get better" card.
He's not ill, he just really could get better.

Be nice to your teeth...
They have FILLINGS too!

Why is it easy to break up with a stormtrooper?
He'll never know what he's missing.

What kitchenware grants the most experience?
Skillets.