My wife and I were arguing over the term for a medieval soldier.
It was getting late though so we called it a knight.
If Wonder Woman married Howard Hughes, divorced him and then married Henry Kissinger,
If Wonder Woman married Howard Hughes, divorced him and then married Henry Kissinger, she would be Wonder Hughes Kissinger now.
Listen up: I want to become the Invisible Man, but I will NOT use my powers to spy on people
I just want to make myself perfectly clear.
An Apple, an Orange, and a Strawberry were best friends and after being in the orchard all day they were in the habit of going to a nearby bar for a few drinks. This caused marital discord with the Strawberry and his wife left him.For several months following, whenever they went to the bar, the Strawberry would weep uncontrollably. The bartender (a Banana) would serve them until they were done and then theyd leave.
Finally, one day the Orange asked the Banana, What is it with the Strawberry? I get it that hes sad, but its been months now - get over it!
The bartender leaned in and whispered, Don't you know?Strawberry feels forever
My son hit me with a Dad Joke so strong I had to sit down.So Im making breakfast this morning and I ask my son,
Want scrambled or fried?
He looks me dead in the eye and says:
Whichever one is eggcellent, father.
Who tells God if you break one of the Ten Commandments?
The Narc of the Covenant
A friend of mine told me that he can throw a frisbee 100 yards and his dog can go get it and bring it back.
I told him that's pretty far fetched but ok....
Looking for office helpA local business owner was looking for office help.
The owner put a sign in the window that read: Help wanted. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer, and must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer.
A short time later, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign, and went inside.
After going inside, the dog looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then he walked over to the sign, looked at it, and whined. The receptionist got the idea and told the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so the manager led the dog into his office.
Inside, the dog jumped up onto a chair and started patiently staring at the manager. The manager said, I cant hire you. The sign says that you have to be able to type. The dog jumped down, walked over to a computer and typed out a perfect letter and then signed his name. The manager was stunned but then told the dog, I still cant hire you. The sign says that you have to be good with computers too. The dog then went over to the computer and typed up a program that ran perfectly on the first test.
By now, the manager was totally dumbfounded and said to the dog, I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and you have some interesting skills. However, I still cant give you the job.
The dog jumped down and walked over to the sign and put his paw on the part where it said equal opportunity employer.
The manager said, Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual.
The dog calmly looked up at the manager and said, Meow.
Our town legalized pot but banned alcohol.Our town legalized pot but banned alcohol.
Residents are left high and dry.
What did the bra say to the hat?
"You go on ahead, and I will give these two a lift."
Did you know?
Adam and Eve were the first humans to ever skip the Apple terms and conditions.
What happens if someone slaps you at high frequency?
It hertz.
What is the most important piece of wisdom from the Kama Sutra?
No one comes from nothing.
I got kicked out of the nativity play because I kept singing Nickelback
I guess I never made it as a wise man
My friend challenged me to make puns about former European currencies
I said Frankly I cant be bothered
At the grocery store, I showed my wife the fried chicken I grabbed for dinner. She said, Great, can you get a side?
I said, Sure! and moved slightly to the left.
True story - My funny Uncle used to work at a Circuit City in the appliances department.A customer comes in and sees a refrigerator that they liked. Seeing the price on the top of the fridge the customer would ask if he could lower the price. The price tag was on a magnet so my Uncle would pull it off the fridge and move it about 3 feet downward.
Looking at the customer he would say, sure thing - is that low enough?!
Love you Uncle Bob!!
People here think my dad jokes are childish. Which is crazy!
They are obviously full groan.
My wife has been putting glue all over my rifle collection.
She denied it but Im sticking to my guns.
What do you call a man who is about to propose?
Neal
I once saw a river that was blocked entirely by an enormous mound of acorns.
I thought to myself, Dam, thats nuts.
How do you spot a blind person at a nude beach?
It's not hard
Whats The Most LGBTQ+ Product At Home Depot?
The lumber, cause it sure as hell aint straight.
I made a terrible mistake last weekI was asked to get a prize made up for the winner of crufts. I got a bit confused though and got mixed up with my animals.
It was a Cat as Trophy
What did the lake say to the water that was evaporating away?
Goodbye! Youll be mist.