My daughters boyfriend just Dad Joked me and Ill be honest, I think she needs to marry him.
So last night we had some storms roll through including some really wicked lightning. I still made a point to make a beer run, and when I got back I posted a video of the lightning to Facebook with a caption explaining the beer run as a context.

My daughters boyfriend responds with: It must have been pretty scary if it made your beer run.

I already knew this before she moved in with him, but I think the guys a winner, folks.

I just came across my wifes Tinder profile and Im so angry about her lies
She is not fun to be around.

I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the Mothership

She choked from laughing before she fired me
A good one from out in the wild.

My wife and I are working on launching a fundraiser for a charity that buys local children Christmas gifts. Okay, it's mostly her working on the actual event, but I'm handling the promotion. We were sitting in the office, her making signs, and myself writing copy for a radio promo when I headed downstairs for a glass of root beer I asked her if she needed anything but she said no.

When I ascended the stairs back to the office she remembered something, "I should have asked you to bring the props for the signs."

I set down my glass, gave her two thumbs up and said, "Great job on the signs my love!"

Anyway, so now I'm downstairs checking Reddit because after laughing so hard she forgot how to breath I was temporarily fired. She can't look at me without laughing again.

To anyone who lost a rubber band filled with $100 bills!
I found the rubber band.

Why are former Nazis so good with animals?
Because they're all veteran Aryans

Wife: I want another baby.
Husband: Thats a relief, I also really dont like this one.

Do you know the difference between the USA and a yoghurt?
If you leave a yoghurt alone for 250 years, it develops a culture.

Look! There! A sea Nazi!
Adolfin!

I finally hung a copy of the U.S. constitution on my wall.
I call it the decoration of independence.

I was washing the car with my son today, when he asked me...
Dad, cant you just use a sponge?

My wife: "You promised to stop with the Darth Vader quotes after we got married"
Me: "I am altering the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further."

Why arent there any horses in therapy ?
Because their home is stable

Went into a cafe for lunch today and ordered the nicest sounding thing on the menu, home-cooked steak pie.
"Excuse me, love." I said to the waitress, after my first bite. "This is cold."

"Well of course it is." She replied. "I live miles away."

My brother in law told me he's met the person he will spend the rest of his life with..
He's got himself a new cell mate..

Did you hear about the huge LEGO sale?
people were lined up for blocks!

If you bump your head on a coffee maker
Will it leave a brews

I'll never forget my Grandfathers last words to me just before he died
Are you still holding the ladder?

Why can't poor people be tracked by dog?
Because they never made a scent.

Ever wonder why scuba divers fall backward out of a boat?
Because if they fell forward they would still be in it.

What's a frog's favourite card game?
C-ribbage

A horse just moved in next to me
He's my neighhhhhbor

I was watching a very interesting documentary about bees last night.
Did you know that some bees are actually allergic to pollen...

Yeah they break out in hives

My wife opened a new store, specializing in one particular size of flashlight battery. It is downtown, next door to the optometrist/eyeglass shop.
She sells c-cells by the see store