I was asked to run a marathon recently, but said hell no. But my mate told me it was for blind and handicapped kids.
I thought for a while and thought, yeah, why the hell not, I could easily win that race.

A weasel goes into a bar. The bartender says Interesting. Ive never served a weasel before. What can I get you?
Pop goes the weasel.

Why does a milking stool only have three legs?
Because the cow has the udder.

(I never see this one here - maybe the bots will pick it up.)

A lawyer goes into a bar.
The bartender says, "What can I get you?"

"Pop" goes the weasel.

When I inherited part of my dads fortune, I called my sister and asked, Did he give money to you too?
She answered, Why would he do that? He never even listened to their music!

My wife worships me.
She places burnt offerings before me every single night

How does a polygamist hippie count his wives?
1 Mrs. Hippie. 2 Mrs. Hippie. 3. Mrs Hippie...

What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory

My wife and I have decided that we dont want kids.
If anyone else does we can drop them round later.

How do you combine things underwater?
By submerging them

A swimmer was asked what her favourite stroke was
She replied The one that killed Margaret Thatcher.

Im sorry and I apologize mean the same thing
Except at a funeral

What do you call a happy cowboy?
A jolly rancher.

My mom and my dad were quite the opposite:
My mom was always right and my dad left.

I once dated a girl that turned out to be a communist.
I should have known better, there were red flags everywhere.

I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds
Poor guy

What do you call raw fish that's been prepared by a samurai?
Slashimi

I was invited to a comedy club for surgeons a few days ago. I left shortly after the show started, completely disgusted and traumatized
It was open Mike night

Man: Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!
Judge: Repeat infractions?

Man: Fine. 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!

Stop trying to find the perfect match!
Use a lighter.

Did you know if you boil a funny bone
it becomes a laughing stock! - now THATS humerus!

My son just opened a cookie from Panda Express and it had no piece of paper inside.
How unfortunate.

What's the name of the most chaotic football player?
Messi

I was a man trapped in a woman's body.
And then I was born.

I was taken to court in Japan by an assassin
I got ninjit-sued.