I need to re-home a dog. Its a small terrier and tends to bark a lot, if interested let me know
I will jump over the neighbors fence and get it for you

Did you know if you feed milk to ants, their offspring are born without toes? It's a phenomenom known as...
Lack Toes In Toddler Ants.

Just when you think you know for sure vegetables cant use phones
Onion rings

Why did Hitler go to the nail salon?
He needed the polish removed

A Gen Z kid and a boomer walk into a bar They sit down and the Gen Z kid orders from the gluten free vegan menu and the boomer orders a T-Bone steak.

They start chatting and the Gen Z kid says that social justice issues are the biggest problem facing the world, and that the white supremacist patriarchy is a plague on society. > The boomer waves this off and says the kids these days are just too sensitive, and that he fought for civil rights in the sixties and did his part.

They go back and forth on this for a while, and finally the Gen Z kid says, "we're just not gonna settle this. We don't see eye to eye. You're too old and out of touch and I'm too young and inexperienced. What we need to do is ask a Millennial with a PhD in sociology for their opinion."

The boomer says, "that's a great idea!" And yells, "HEY BARTENDER, C'MERE!"

The price of gas is so high lately
The mafia does walk-by shootings.

A world-renowned heart surgeon was waiting for his car to be fixed. The mechanic, a bit of a jokester, called him over.
"Hey, Doc, I want to show you something," the mechanic said, pointing to the engine. "I take these valves out, grind 'em down, and put 'em back in so the engine runs like new. You basically do the same thing for people, right?"

The surgeon nodded. "In a way, yes."

The mechanic grinned. "So, how come I make fifty bucks an hour and you make half a million a year when were doing the exact same work?"

The surgeon smiled, leaned in, and whispered, "Try doing it while the engine is still running."

Life is like a box of chocolates
It doesn't last long for fat people

I told my suitcase there would be no vacation this year.
Now Im dealing with emotional baggage.

A recent study showed that women who carry a little extra weight..
Live longer than men who mention it

A man walks into a shop and says: "I want to buy some deodorant, please."
"Ball or aerosole?" asks the clerk.

"Neither." says the customer. "I want it for my armpits!"

I was once dating a girl who worked for Organ Donors but dumped her.
She only wanted me for my body.

What do you call it when you imagine seeing 3 people in the distance getting intimate?
Mirage trois

There is not a single fire ant on my property
They are all married and have LOTS of children.

Babies.
Smaller babies may be delivered by stork, but the heavier ones need a crane.

I was shocked when I received a bill from that roofing contractor.
He told me it would be on the house!

I invented a thought controlled air freshener
It makes scents when you think about it

What do you call a woman on the tennis court?
Annette (A NET)

What did the melon say when his grass looked too dry?
"I guess it's time to Watermalawn."

A good joke to announce becoming a dad
At work, I am responsible for a moment of levity (a bad joke) in our weekly meetings. This subreddit has been very helpful! (I keep a spreadsheet of the jokes I've used, so I don't use one twice, at some point I should share that here.)

When I had my first kid, I used the following joke to announce it:

"My wife is been walking around yelling out things like SHOULDN'T, CAN'T, WON'T, MUSTN'T!" I asked her why and she said that since she was pregnant, she was practicing her contractions."

It killed. But obviously I can't use it again.

So I need another one. Anyone have another good bad joke that also happens to say that your wife is pregnant?

(And, no, I'm not telling my direct supervisor or HR this way; they know. This is for the broader office.)

Humans have four canine teeth. Do you know how many canine teeth a dog has?
All of them

What do you call milk that's been spoken of in myth and legend?
Legendairy.

Why are skeletons always so calm?
Because nothing can get under their skin.

My future children.
Im naming my kids Coke and Pepsi. If the police come to the door and tell me Coke was in a terrible car accident, Ill ask: Is Pepsi OK?