My wife said she's leaving me because of my Star Wars obsession
So I said: may divorce be with you.
Mother knowsA mother is invited by her son, Dave, for dinner...
He lives with a female roommate, Tina.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Tina was. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Dave and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, Dave volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Tina and I are just roommates.''
About a week later, Tina came to Dave saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure," said Dave.
So he sat down and wrote an email:
*Dear Mum, I'm not saying that you "DID" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "DID NOT" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Dave*
Several days later, Dave received a response email from his mother, which read:
*Dear SON, I'm not saying that you "DO" sleep with Tina, and I'm not saying that you "DO NOT" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if SHE were sleeping in her OWN BED, SHE would have found the sugar bowl by now!!*
Im writing a book about a French undercover spy.Whose name is Harry and his cover is that hes a green bean farmer.
Im calling it: Harry Covert
It is really unfortunate that Islam, Christianity, and Judaism have been fighting each other for centuries.
Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.
What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand?
Quatro cinco.
My wife wants us to visit France for our anniversary. She asked if I would take her to Paris. I told her that really would not be nice.
I
Where does Walmart keep their Terminator toys?
Aisle B, Back.
How do most cannibals start their day?
With a nice cup of Joe.
I might be old but still have the memory of an elephant.
When I was 4 years old, I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.
How do you measure the effectiveness of a dad joke?
With a Sighs-mo-graph.
What do you call a melancholy robot?
A sigh-borg.
As I handed my dear Dad his 65th birthday card, he looked up at me with tears in his eyes and said
You know son, one would have been enough
I can't stop taking photos of myself with a boiling kettle.
My doctor says I have selfie steam issues.
What do pigs use to moisturise their skin?
Oinkment!
I saw a CraigsList ad that said Radio for sale $2, volume stuck at 10
I thought, man thats a deal I cant turn down.
What happens when a grape gets run over while crossing the road?
Traffic jam
I was assaulted by a man with a block of cheese.
How dairy!
What do you get when you cross an angry sheep with an angry cow?
Two animals that are in baaaaad mooooods!!
What's a good place to look for gifts for a kitty?
In a cat alog
What do you call a group of Uruk-Hai musicians?
An orkestra.
What does Superman use to trim his toenails?
Clip-toe-nite
Why did the Ram run off the cliff?
It didn't see the ewe turn
What's worse than it raining buckets?
hailing taxis!
On the way to work, i saw a protein powder delivery truck that flipped over, and the contents fell out and were crushing the driver. After pulling the driver to safety, i was approached by a news crew who asked me if I considered myself a hero. I said no
Im not someone who can just stand by the whey side.
I asked the electrician to stop working, but..
He refused...