I'm tired, so I'm going to Romania...
...to book a rest.

At one time, I was very poor. I couldn't even pay my electricity bill.
That was the darkest period of my life.

At dinner, I asked my date if she enjoys talking about the American Civil War.
She said, Sometimes, but not General Lee.

My buddy told me his girlfriend was 3 feet 3 inches tall.
I said I'd like to meter.

Two cats had a swimming race. The first cat was called "One, two three," and the other was called "un deux trois." Which cat won the race?
"One two three" won. Unfortunately, the un deux trois cat sank.

What do you call singing in the shower?
A soap opera

People think being a waiter isn't a respectable job.
But, hey, it puts food on the table.

I was digging for dinosaur leg bones and I thought I had found one...
But it was a fossil arm.

What does a clock say when it needs to go to the dentist?
"2:30"

Most puns make me feel numb. However
Making mathematical puns make me feel number

Why did the transgender dinosaur only eat vegetables?
He was a her, before

This morning I saw my neighbour talking to her cat; it was obvious the poor women thought the cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog...we laughed a lot.

My wife asked me if I've seen the dog bowl
I told her I didn't know he could

Did you hear about the guy who tried to rob a bank with a statue?
It was a bust...

During family game night, my kids kept accusing me of changing the rules whenever I started losing. Finally one of them said, DAD, all night youve been gaslighting us!
I said, Okay, first of all, the term is actually fuel lanterning.

I was trying to come up with a good banking joke
But I lost interest

Did you hear about the Volkswagen who was knighted?
They dubbed him Scirocco

Im worried about your mate, every time he opens his mouth he speaks just like Michael Jackson
Oh dont worry about it, its just his Human Nature.

Two guys were loading a coffin into a hearse on a steep incline. After loading, they both get into the vehicle.
Two guys were loading a coffin into a hearse on a steep incline. After loading, they both get into the vehicle.

As they start to pull away, the back door swings wide open and the coffin crashes to the ground and starts sliding down the incline, across the intersection, into the store front of a pharmacy and keeps going.

The driver races after it and chases it into the pharmacy.
The pharmacist in the back says "Can I help you?" and the driver says "Yeah, do you have anything to stop this coffin?"

This is an A and B conversation
So C your way out of it before D and E come F you up, G.

What do you call a beehive without an exit?
Unbelievable.

My wife asked me to flip the calendar to the next month...
To my surprise, it skipped right from April to June. When I turned to tell her we were missing a month, she grinned and said, "What's the matter? You look dis-Mayed."
Shes been holding onto that one since March.

I'm getting a cut and was told it would grow back.
Limbs do that right?

My inflatable house got a puncture last night.
Now I'm living in a flat.

Lionel Ritchie had a medical procedure recently. Was it out patient?
No. He had to stay all night long.

I'll see myself out