My daughters boyfriend just Dad Joked me and Ill be honest, I think she needs to marry him.
So last night we had some storms roll through including some really wicked lightning. I still made a point to make a beer run, and when I got back I posted a video of the lightning to Facebook with a caption explaining the beer run as a context.

My daughters boyfriend responds with: It must have been pretty scary if it made your beer run.

I already knew this before she moved in with him, but I think the guys a winner, folks.

Do you know the difference between the USA and a yoghurt?
If you leave a yoghurt alone for 250 years, it develops a culture.

My wife: "You promised to stop with the Darth Vader quotes after we got married"
Me: "I am altering the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further."

Why arent there any horses in therapy ?
Because their home is stable

Went into a cafe for lunch today and ordered the nicest sounding thing on the menu, home-cooked steak pie.
"Excuse me, love." I said to the waitress, after my first bite. "This is cold."

"Well of course it is." She replied. "I live miles away."

Why can't poor people be tracked by dog?
Because they never made a scent.

My brother in law told me he's met the person he will spend the rest of his life with..
He's got himself a new cell mate..

Ever wonder why scuba divers fall backward out of a boat?
Because if they fell forward they would still be in it.

My wife opened a new store, specializing in one particular size of flashlight battery. It is downtown, next door to the optometrist/eyeglass shop.
She sells c-cells by the see store

I am training them right, grandson got me!
My 7 year old grandson is visiting for the July 4th Holiday. Tonight he was getting ready to take a shower and he asked me, Papa is the shower well water? I said, yes it was. He looked up at me and asked, how did you capture the whales pee?!

He got me me, starting them early!!

A guy goes to prison, and on his first day he's sitting in the cafeteria, and someone yells "number 54" and the whole room erupts into laughter.
The next day he's eating again, someone else yells out "number 71" and again the room fills with laughter.

He turns to the guy next to him and asks "what's the deal with the numbers?"

Guy next to him responds "well most of us have been here so long, we hear the same jokes over and over and over again. So we numbered them, to save us time."

So the new guy decides to give it a try he stands up and yells "number 25" and there is dead silence. He turns to the guy next to him and asks "what's the deal, why did no one laugh"

He responds "some guys just don't know how to tell a joke".

Three women...
decide to go on a walk. After some time of hiking they find a bench in the woods and go on to do some resting there. Suddenly a masked guy jumps out of the bushes and flashes them before he runs away.

Woman 1: "Oh god, at least I know that wasn't my husband!"

Woman 2: "I'm so relieved it wasn't a member of my church group!"

Woman 3: "As far as I know it wasn't a guy from our town."

I was washing the car with my son today, when he asked me...
Dad, cant you just use a sponge?

I told my son I was going to open a pawn shop.
We would only sell chess pieces.

I went to the gym today asked the instructor to teach me to do the splits. Are you flexible, he asked.
Well, I cant do Tuesdays, I said.

Did you hear about the huge LEGO sale?
people were lined up for blocks!

A whale watching group's boat was set on fire...
The attacks were orcastrated.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Dough NuTz

Yesterday I had a date that was perfect.
Tomorrow, Ill have a fig.

Did you know that archaeologists date the most people?
I mean, the entire job is about finding what dates people lived in.

The battery was facing certain death in battle.
So it took up all his strength and yelled: "CHARGE!"

I always have the most profound conversations with my friends when camping.
Those discussions are in tents.

Called the Wildlife Hotline.
Was told to push 3 for Bird life, push 4 for Fish life, or hold on for Deer life.

Look! There! A sea Nazi!
Adolfin!