My penis was in the Guinness book of world records...
Then the librarian told me to take it out

To whoever stole my glasses
I will find you,i have contacts.

I struggle with Roman Numerals until I get to 159.
Then it just CLIX.

A Mexican magician tells his audience that for his final trick of the evening he will completely vanish on the count of three...
He then goes "Uno!" "Dos!" ...and suddenly *POOF!*

He disappeared without a Tres.

A couple goes to a steakhouse for dinner.
Server: How would you like your ribeye cooked?

Husband: Like winning an argument with my wife.

Server: Rare it is.

A man asked a widow if he could say a word at her husbands funeral. She said "Certainly."
He stood up and said "Plethora"

and the woman said "Thanks, that means a lot."

I asked my wife if shed hem my pants. She ripped them out of my hands and snapped, Fine! I said, Whoa, whats wrong? She said, Nothing.
I said, You seam angry

There will be one more Matrix movie where an older Neo finally takes the blue pill.
Its called Matrix Res-erections.

what was the dentist's favorite class in college?
flossophy

You want to hear what my dog told me?
He said, No one is going to believe you.

The doctor gave me one year to live
so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

My GF told me she's leaving because of my obsession with health and safety.
I said, "Don't let the door hit you on the way out."

My relative signed the Declaration of Independence, right beneath John Hancock
Then the museum guards tackled him.

Why does the married bomb disposal guy not enter a brothel?
Because it is a booby trap.

"How did your complaint go?"
"Great. Can't complain."

Last request
Priest: Do you have any last requests? Murderer sitting in the electric chair: Yes. Can you please hold my hand?

Whats a billion bees called?
A buzzillion.

The Mortal Kombat theme is actually a song from a church in Finland
It's a FINNISH HYMN!!!

I hate when my girlfriend gets mad at me for being lazy
Its not like I did anything

Big hammers are all the same.
If you've seen one, you've seen a maul

I listened to my friends story about how he really hated living in the 21st largest state and everyday is agony for him...
I hope somebody would put him out of Missouri

Bears.
Paddington Bear and Winnie the Pooh are going on vacation

Of course, they only packed the bear essentials.

Why don't Reform Jews like vinegar?
They find it too Hasidic

What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don't mind him. He is just a product of our times.

Whats worse than ants in your pants ?
Uncles in your pants