They say if you play heavy metal backwards you get satanic messages. What do you get playing country music backwards?
Your job back, your wife back, your truck back, your house back
Elvis Costello and ABBA are touring together this summer but they figured out who the headliner will be..
So, watch for ABBA and Costello to find out who's on first.
Donald Trump is rooting for the Spurs at the NBA Finals
They're what kept him out of Vietnam.
So this happened at dinner last night and I could not resist.We were having pasta and my youngest asked what I would do with a million dollars. I said I would probably build a car out of spaghetti. My wife rolled her eyes immediately, like she already knew where this was going. She has been married to me long enough to sense danger.
I let the silence sit there for a good thirty seconds. Really let it breathe. Timing is everything with a good dad joke. Then I casually mentioned that she should have seen her face when I drove pasta.
My son groaned so loud the dog got startled. My wife put her fork down and just stared at me with that look. You all know the look. The one that says I love you but I cannot believe I chose this life.
Honestly that reaction is the whole reward. The groan, the stare, the slow head shake. That is the standing ovation of the dad joke world.
Curious what delivery trick gets the best reaction in your house. Do you go fast and catch them off guard, or do you slow burn it like I did here? Always looking to sharpen the craft. Dad jokes are a serious art form and I will not hear otherwise.
A blonde and her husband are watching the news...News Flash: A Brazilian died while skydiving when his parachute didn't open.
The blonde bursts into tears
Husband (comforting her): I know it's sad, but people need to know that there's a risk while skydiving.
Blonde: But that's a lot of people. How many is a Brazilian?
Ernie and Bert from Sesame StreetBert Hey Ernie do want to go get some ice cream or something?
Ernie Sherbert
A penguin waddled into a party. He looked around the room and realized there were no beverages. He said,This is the worst party Ive ever been to.
(Theres no punch line)
Are people born with a photographic memory?
Or does it take time to develop?
There's a new sandwich shop that just opened that only serves vegetarian sub sandwiches
It's called "Never Meat Your Heroes"
What do you call fairy tales told really, really quickly?
ASAP's fables.
You know what always catches my eye?
Short people with umbrellas.
You know why Shakira's accounts never get hacked?
Because her https don't lie.
Humility is among one of my strongest traits
It's right up there along with my intelligence, athleticism, wealth, and education.
What is the opposite of a pharmacy?
A nearmacy.
My son's soccer team is named the Numerators.
They're at the top of the division.
Someone was arrested for stealing $1,000 worth of college text books.
A whole 4 of them.
My wife and I were kissing on the sofa when she was like Lets take this upstairs. I said Okay.
You grab one end and Ill grab the other.
Kermit the Frog walked into a bank to borrow some money to make his next movieThe loan officer introduced himself as John Pattywhack, then told Kermit hed need to offer something as collateral
Take this, Kermit said, and handed the loan officer an unfamiliar object
The loan officer looked at him and said, Im gonna need to talk with my manager
The loan officer showed the object to his manager
Kermit offered this as collateral but I have no idea what it is
The manager rolled his eyes and said, its a knickknack, Pattywhack. Give the frog a loan.
Alcohol consumption is set to rise by 350% in England during the World Cup.
Until the group stages are over.
If you ever contemplate becoming a meteorologist
Make sure you decide weather or not
Somebody told me that his hippo was trained to use the toilet.
But I think it's just a hippo potty myth
The mods told me to stop making bird jokes
I've been going for the cheep laughs.
What type of pasta is most likely to cheat to win a musical theater award?
Rigatoni
I got a job teaching poetry to prison inmates.
It has its prose and cons.