If anyone wants a discount on a harp, let me know...
I can pull some strings...

Singing in the shower is fun until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it's a soap opera.

Someone called me a peasant. I was not phased.
It was a feudal attempt to insult me.

How did the man look in his cheddar shirt?
Sharp!

I went to a pub once and they had a dartboard on the ceiling
The moment I saw it I wanted to throw up

She got me.
My girlfriend and I were watching a cop show together. One thing that always bothered me: when the main characters storm a building, their backup come in with full body armor, heavy assault weapons, and helmets. The MC's don't. I complained about this to her, and she said they don't need all that. They have Plot Armor.

I love that woman.

How do non-binary people hurt themselves?
They/Them.

My father was a officer in the Army but he never showered
He wanted to maintain his rank

I asked Mr. T what he thinks about these high gas prices.
He said, I pity the fuel!

Why cant NASA send a duck to space
The bill would be astronomical

Did you know that XL is both larger and smaller than L?
XL is larger as a shirt.

But L is larger as a Roman numeral.

I bought a takeaway coffee from a coffee stall run by a Buddhist Monk. I gave him $10 expecting $5 back.
He just looked at me and said, "Change comes from within."

I once created a belt made out of wristwatches.
It was a waist of time.

My son asked if he could eat a piece of cake in the fridge.
I said "Sure, but wouldn't the dining room be more comfortable for you?"

Rescuers attempted to save a stranded Mt. Everest climber today
When they arrived on scene they found Himalayan there!

What do you call a Star Wars fan whos unsure?
And/or

What was the name of the French guy who lost a fight with a cat?
Claude.

There were coins inside a WW1 soldier's pocket that stopped a bullet.
They were his life savings.

Do you know the real reason "The Lost Boys" could never be remade today?
Cause now we have GPS

When I discovered I was holding my new taser the wrong way,
I was stunned

What did the police do
when the town was threatened with swarms of flying insects?

They deployed the swat team.

My company said working in an office is a thing of the past
Guess im a post-office worker now

What did the badass census worker say?
Im here to kick butt and take names and Im all out of butts.

Did you hear about the guy that got his left armed ripped off in a Farm combine accident?
Yeah, he is all right now

Mirrors.
We all know mirrors don't lie
I'm just grateful that they don't laugh.