What do you call a bird with a bad cough?
A phlegmingo
Pavlov Walks Into a Hotel ...
To summon the front desk clerk he rings the bell. He then snaps his fingers in frustration and says, "Damn! I forgot to feed the dogs."
My son was going out with a tennis player.
I told him she was the wrong girl for him. He asked why, I said "to a tennis player, love means nothing".
One of the seven dwarves broke in last night and stole all my anti-depressants.
I hope hes Happy.
A man claims he has the smartest dog in the world. His friend doesnt believe him.Prove it, the friend says.
The man points to his dog and says, Go get me something to eat.
The dog runs off and comes back with a sandwich.
Lucky guess, says the friend.
The man tries again: Go get me something to drink.
The dog runs off and comes back with a soda.
The friend is impressed but still skeptical.
Alright ask him something harder.
The man nods and says, Whats on top of a house?
The dog barks, Roof!
The friend laughs. Thats it? Any dog could do that!
The dog looks at him and says,
You wanted me to say shingles?
What fruit did Romeo and Juliette eat?
Cantelope.
"Dad? Can you explain me, what a solar eclipse is?"
"No sun."
To whoever stole my camo jacket and my flip flops-
You can hide, but you cant run
Werner Heisenberg and Erwin Schrodinger are speeding down a deserted Nevada highway in a black Cadillac at 120 miles per hour. Georg Ohm is in the back seat.Eventually a Nevada state trooper pulls them over. The trooper walks up and says, "do you fellas know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg says "no, but we can tell you our location at the time."
The trooper tells them he needs to inspect the vehicle. He circles around back, pops the trunk, and finds a body inside.
The trooper comes back to the passenger window, gun drawn, and shouts: "Did you know there was a dead body in that trunk?"
Schrodinger rolls his eyes and says: "Well yeah... now we do..."
The trooper calls for backup and all three men are taken into custody. Heisenberg and Schrodinger went quietly, but Ohm resisted.
Whenever I get insecure around pretty girls I reach into my pocket to grab a tiny rock.
Then I feel a little boulder.
Will glass coffins be successful?
Remains to be seen
Dad joke in the wild
We had just finished making a homemade marinade. My gf said, Oh I wish I started the marinade earlier, or even started it yesterday.
I said, Dont worry theres plenty of thyme. Holding up a sprig of thyme.
She rolled her eyes. Then I grabbed a spice and showed it to her, you knew that joke was cumin.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs......at a barbecue? Frank
...in a swimming pool? Bob
...behind a jet ski? Skip
...in a hole? Phil
...in a pile of leaves? Russell
[ adding some via comments ]
...hanging on the wall? Art
...in a mailbox? Bill
...on a doorstep? Matt
...at the beach? Sandy
...in a pot? Stu
...in a shower curtain? Rod
....in a lion's cage? Claude
You know why you should always knock before opening the fridge door?
In case there's a salad dressing
You are so stuck in the 70s that you only wear clothes from two designers
Polly and Ester
My wife baked me a cake in the shape of a giant clock
I went back for seconds
My Grandpa lost his dentures
Now it takes him an hour to eat Minute Rice
My car is so old it requires 4 passengers
One to steer and 3 to push
The third if my three dad jokesI gave this to young daughter to tell at her school and it was a hit
Knock Knock
Whos there?
I need Tip
then the person says the next bit out loud
I really need new shoes. The soles on my shoes are so thin
I can step on a piece of gum and tell you what the flavor is
What do you call an Irish girl sitting on the front porch?
Patty O'Furniture
I was on a ventilator machine the other day
It was a breathtaking experience
I used to think orthopedic shoes were overrated.
I stand corrected.
What is a pirate's favorite letter?
You probably said "ARR" but nope. It's the letter P... because without it he's irate.
What's the most commonly used computer programming language?
Profanity.