My wife commented that I'm definitely not French the way I wolf down my food. So I asked her then what am I?
Without skipping a beat she said you're clearly Russian

Did you hear about the chameleon who couldnt change colour?
He had a reptile dysfunction

Why does ironing clothes make them shrink?
Because it de-creases them.

To save money on fuel I took the mirrors off of my car to reduce drag
I've not looked back since.

Why didnt number 4 go through the haunted house with its friends?
It was just 2.

What do you call it when a police officer quits their job?
A cop-out.

My wife said I am always messing up sayings. I told her
I could care less!

Do not be afraid of a six month home renovation.
Those twelve months will be the most fulfilling two years of your life.

Master chef.
I was watching an Australian cooking show, and the audience applauded when the chef made a meringue.

I was surprised.

Australians usually boo meringue.

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, Its not working. I cant take it any more. Im going to my moms. Confused and extremely worried, I slowly opened the fridge door. The light came on, the beer was cold.
What the hell did she mean?

When you need to protect your butt, you should call Thor
He's an Asgardian

What type of doctor has the most no-show appointments?
Dermatologists.

Their patients tend to be flaky.

Why did the old man take a pair of socks with him to the golf course?
Because he got a hole in one.

Why didn't the maths teacher go on the roller coaster?
He was 2

A naked guy fell into a pile of glitter
pretty nuts, right?

My personal trainer said he eats five big meals and trains six days a week.
I have no idea how he eats that many trains.

What do u call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick

Mantis.
Baby praying mantis: Dad, who do we pray to?

Dad mantis: That depends on the religion.

Wait bugs have different religions?

Of course, son were in sects.

I was driving home today, and the local radio station played Dont Look Back, then Peace of Mind, then Amanda
It was a real Boston Marathon

Did you hear about the new movie thats mashup of The Lord of the Rings and This is Spinal Tap?
This one goes to Elevenses.

Did you hear about the bee who got busted for visiting a prostitute?
It was a sting operation.

My wife just ironed my dress shirt while I was wearing it
She likes to press my buttons

I made a bunch of ghee last week
Actually, it was just butter.

Sorry, I should have clarified.

My wife didn't like this one...
(I'm the OC... My daughter called it genius, wife didn't enjoy it.)

My wife walks in, were all sitting there with tea and scones, pinkies out.

She goes, Did you get the kids vaccinated?

I said, Vaccinated? I thought you said Saxon-ated.