My Son is now at that age where he's curious about female body.
I guess I'll have to hide it somewhere else now.

I'm at the sperm bank and the nurse just asked me to masturbate in the cup
I said "well I'm pretty good, but not quite ready to compete yet"

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, Whats with the paper towel?
The pirate says, Arrr! Ive got a Bounty on me head

I quit my job so I could single-handedly rescue every last missing lawn gnome...
It's going to be a great voyage of elf-discovery.

A cows ribs are numbered 1-26, but my favorites are 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19 and 23.
I always prefer prime rib.

I freaked out at my Indian friends wedding reception when they ran out of bread. But then my wife assured me
I can just call the naan-emergency hotline.

My wife wasn't sure about the toy I was adding into our bedroom...
She said "only if the vibe feels right."

Why can't two chinese people have a white kid?
Because two wongs can't make a white.

Ps: No offense.

My friend ate his autobiography.
He is a bit strange and totally full of himself.

Why couldnt the pirate learn the alphabet?
Because he always got stuck at C

I'm trying to remember what the French word for white is...
But my mind keeps going Blanc.

Ive decided to write a book about all of the things I shouldve done in my life.
Its my oughtabiography

What are a kidnappers favorite shoes?
White Vans.

Whats a pirates
(Bear with me. Ill explain how to tell this one.)

Whats a pirates favorite

Letter of the alphabet?

-RRRR.

Roast beef restaurant?

-Arrrrrbys.

Sock, sweater, & tie pattern?

-Arrrrrrgyle.

Night sky navigational tool?

-Starrrrrs.

Place to have a drink?

-Barrrrr.

(You get the idea. You can go as long as you want. Then)

YOU: Whats a pirates favorite mode of transportation?

-THEM: A carrrrrr!

YOU: No. A ship.

What do you call a man with a rubber toe?
Roberto

I can name every single hard shelled reptile without hesitation
I have turtle recall.

I finally landed a paid gig to participate in a sleep study.
Its my dream job.

I quit my job at the helium factory.
I refused to be spoken to in that tone.

Calmly driving with the wife and kids in the car when you see a truck hauling bails of hay.
Point and yell HEY as loud as you can. Gets em every time.

Two eye doctors challenge each other on who could make the better optical Dad Jokes...
One of the doctors says to the other: "Well, let's SEE who will win this competition."

The other doctor says in response: "Oh, yeah? I bet I could tell you ones even CORNEA!"

What type of bear is toothless?
A gummy bear.

When I stopped painting for a while, I found that my works had transformed from landscapes into portraits of a female film icon.
Absence makes the art grow Fonda

My favorite childhood memory was building sand castles with my grandpa
Until my mother took his ashes away.

Never thought I was fat.
Until the woman at MacDonalds said:

Sorry about your weight

Commentator: Sir, what's your biggest regret.
Sir: Not listening to my wife's advice.

Commentator: And what was her advice?

Sir: I don't know, I wasn't listening.