I pleaded, Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus! He said, "Repeat infractions?" I responded...
"Fine. 3/5 of my tickets are bogus!"

How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Trump said he did it and they all clap in the dark

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers.
Yes, he said. My Grandad taught me.

Good. So what comes after eight?

Nine, answered Johnny.

And what comes after nine?

Ten.

And what comes after ten?

The jack.

Where do bad rainbows go?
​

To prism.

It's a light sentence, but it gives them time to refract.

My daughters boyfriend just Dad Joked me and Ill be honest, I think she needs to marry him.
So last night we had some storms roll through including some really wicked lightning. I still made a point to make a beer run, and when I got back I posted a video of the lightning to Facebook with a caption explaining the beer run as a context.

My daughters boyfriend responds with: It must have been pretty scary if it made your beer run.

I already knew this before she moved in with him, but I think the guys a winner, folks.

I have a joke about a girl who only eats plants
But you probably never heard of herbivore

William Shatners' new line of womens' lingerie has been tanking in sales
There were probably better names than Shatner Panties

What do you call two men sitting on a window?
Kurt n Rod.

Why is it so difficult change a light bulb?
Everyone who tries keeps screwing up

Every time I create a profile on Reddit it gives me a vampire-related username.
Guess something's up with the Create Account button.

did you hear about the guy who dunked his balls in glitter?
pretty nuts.

Have you heard of the Irishman who can bounce off walls?
Rick O'Shea

Cepahlomelia, a genetic disorder in cows, causes a leg to grow straight from the head
At first it seems like a disability, but compared to everyone else, Id say theyve got a leg up!

My job as a customs officer is really affecting my health.
All those seizures.

What genre are all National Anthems?
Country

I would love to get paid to sleep.
Thatd be my dream job.

My wife wants to use kilometers instead of miles but still use inches instead of centimeters.
I told her I wouldn't meter halfway.

I wanted to start a new diet today.
Ive just got too much on my plate right now, though.

How do you tie your shoes in outer space?
With astro-knots

This man was about to throw dough, cheese, and tomatoes at me
I said, You wanna pizza me?

You know what's wrong with the education system?
It's biased against dumb people.

I am never buying anything with Velcro.
What a total rip off!

I had a terrifying out-of-body experience last night...
I was beside myself with fear!

I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger
Then it hit me

My father's name is Laughing and my mothers name is Smiling.
And I must be Kidding .