I just saw this fella going up a hill with a wheelbarrow full of horseshoes, four leaf clovers and rabbit's feet.
I thought: Hes pushing his luck!
If you cut off your left arm,
Your right arm will be left.
The word Queue is pronounced like the letter Q
The rest of the letters are just waiting there.
An American, a Mexican, and an Australian walk into a pub.The Mexican says, I'll have a Corona. The finest beer of Mexico.
The American says, Ill have a Budweiser. The king of beers.
The Australian says, I'll have a Ginger Ale.
A Ginger Ale? the American asks quizically.
The Australian replies, Well, if you two arent going to have a proper beer. Why should I?
I failed my beer exam despite cramming
I studied to know of ale.
An ER doc asked a patient, and how long have you been a smoker?
He replied, What does that matter? Get this brisket out of my ass!
Two hydrogen elements walk into a sun and
One helium walks out.
Why did the cannibal get kicked out of school?
He was caught buttering up his teacher.
Did you hear about the new book on anti-gravity?
It's impossible to put down.
What is a soldiers favorite month?
March
My name is Dad and I'm addicted to doing stunts in Westerns
I was sober for three years but then I fell off the wagon
What do you call a spider with ten eyes?
A spiiiiiiiiiider
If you drive a Subaru in reverse, what are you?
U r a Bus.
My wife said a lot of gossip is going around about the new tenants next door.
I said, Theyre probably just roomers.
I just paid the bill for dinnerThe waiter asked if we wanted our drinks to go.
I turned to my teenage son and asked him if he wanted a go-tea.
He groaned.
A totally unintentional dad joke in the wild.
Two neighbors...Two neighbors work together, and so they decide to drive to work together on a regular basis to save money on gas. Their normal route takes then through a tunnel.
So they do this for several months... every day passing through the tunnel on their way to work, and again on their way home.
After several months, they both needed surgery on their wrists. Do you know why?
They developed carpool-tunnel syndrome
Why did the picture go to jail?
Because it was framed.
My 10 yo daughter just dropped this one on meShe spilled a glass of water on her bed this evening and decided to sleep on the couch in the living room tonight. I told her goodnight and asked How do you want the lights?
She replied: Medium-well.
My wedding went off without a hitch.
It made me sad that the bride didn't show up.
What do you call a dinosaur that takes care of its teeth?
A flossiraptor.
Elevator music
Bothers me on many levels
It's only been a few days since finished my investigative reporting in Germany.
But the police are already asking me to Hanover the evidence!
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
I asked the Librarian if there were any books on the Titanic?
She said probably, but they would be soaking wet by now.
I have something in my car that alerts me the moment I hit 66 in a 65mph zone...
We've been married for 35 years.