Someone broke into our house last night and stole a dozen eggs.They also left a pan of boiling water on the stove.
Police believe it was poachers.
My son was born without eyelids. So the skin from the circumcision was used to make eyelids. Everything turned out good.
The only thing is he turned out a little cockeyed.
Just wanted to let yall know I have a pet termite.
I named him Clint.
Clint Eatswood
Told my urologist that I was peeing 3 times a night and asked what could be done
A finger insert later he said, urine trouble
What do you say to a Russian official complaining about Ukranian airstrikes?
Crimea river!
Many years ago, I found Steve Jobs stealing my furniture cleaner from under my kitchen sink
Bloody Jobs, coming over here, stealing our polish
Did you hear the one about the dyslexic atheist insomniac?
He would lie awake at night and wonder if there was a dog or not.
I cant work out how you close French windows.
Whats French for shut down computer?.
Apparently, Northern Ireland has a completely different version of Beauty and the Beast. In most places, the princess is too slow to escape.
But over there, Belle fast.
A man wakes up in the hospital. The phone rings, a doctor tells the man: "I have really bad news. You're very sick. After your collapse yesterday, we ordered several tests, you have Avian flu, Ebola, you're HIV positive and have hepatitis." The man asks "What are you going to do?"
The doc replies: "For starters we're putting you on a strict diet of only pizza." "Will that really help me?" "No, but it's all we can fit under the door."
I almost made a post here about margarine
But then I realized I could do butter
The meteorologist who developed the Heat Index passed away yesterday.
He was 88, but felt like 95
I can't believe I'm making a joke about spanking Dwayne Johnson...
...I've really hit Rock Bottom.
A hurrying businessman walks into a shopHe asks the old man at the counter for a rat-trap
The clerk searches slowly, so the man says quick, I have to catch the bus
And the clerk says Im sorry, I dont think I have a trap that size
Why did the rooster go to the bank?
To open a chicken account
I have seen yhe future and know what ends humanity.
It's y.
Age.
I hate it when people say age is only a number.
Age is clearly a word.
What do you call a polyamorous tooth fairy?
A teeth fairy.
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He lives in Neverland.
I tried robbing a library
They threw the book at me. Then another one. Then another...and another.
The other day Bigfoot saw me
But nobody believes him
I went shopping for cherries and microphone stands.
Bought a bing, bought a boom.
Do weightlifters put in their too weak notice?
Give me your best "In high school, I was voted Most Likely To..." jokes
My personal favourite: "In high school, I was voted Most Likely to Hold a Grudge... I'm still angry about it"
What do you call a chameleon that can't change its colors anymore?
A reptile dysfunction