Why did Mr. Information file for divorce?
Because so many people were spreading Ms. Information.

My family recently discovered Grandpa is taking Viagra
We were all rather surprised, but Grandma has been taking it hard

Did you hear about the murder at IKEA?
Yeah, the police are still piecing it together

Joke 3.14159
In Jamaica, an apple pie costs $3.50 .

In Barbados, a cherry pie costs $4.25 .

In Trinidad, a meat pie costs $5.00 .

Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean. ,

To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I'm after you now.

Iran just created their own version of Sesame Street. Everything's the same, all the characters are the same, except the Count von Count has been replaced...
...with the Ayatollah Howmany.

What do you call a little boy who is half French and half Scottish?
A oui lad.

Need jokes for my "dad" costume.
I'm planning on dressing up as a dad for halloween. (I'm a girl btw)

I'm going to be getting a fake mustache, the cargo shorts, a baseball cap, and a white pair of sneakers that I'm going to scuff with green paint so they look like they have grass stains.

I plan on calling everyone "sport", "champ" and "kiddo", and telling dad jokes every chance I get.

Here is where you guys come in! Please tell me your favorite dad jokes so I can have a bunch of great ones memorized and ready to go, and if you have any extra recommendations for my outfit, please feel free to chime in.

Root beer.
I accidentally poured my root beer into a square glass.

Now its just beer.

All E-books are cowards
They're spineless

I sell imaginary houses.
Im an unrealtor.

I was sitting on my toilet when it notified me: "I've resigned effective immediately."
Apparently it couldn't take my crap anymore.

Did you hear about the cabinet maker who would cut corners to satisfy his demanding boss?
It was his coping mechanism.

What do you call a line of men outside a shop waiting to have a haircut and shave?
A barber queue.

What did the elephant ask the naked man?
How do you breathe out of that thing?

A boy is getting ready to take his date to the prom.
First he goes to rent a tux, but theres a long tux line at the store and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and theres a huge flower line there. He waits a long time but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, theres a large limo line at the rental office, but hes patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and theres no punchline.

Did you hear about the guy that got hit in the head with a can of pop?
Don't have to worry about him, it was a soft drink.

I kept hearing a loud jet engine every time I opened my bagel
Turns out it was plane cream cheese

What payment method do worms like to use?
Apple Pay

Despite having the word 'quit' in its name
Mosquitos are very persistent

How did the financially challenged trigonometry teacher get a loan?
They had someone cosine.

I'm thinking of opening a zoo
I'll need 12 koalas, 5 pandas, and at least 1 grizzly. That's the bear minimum

I tried to tell the cashier a joke!
But it didnt seem to register!

Just a dad asking for help to honor his son in he favorite game.
submitted by /u/paulodisner
[link] [comments]