A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The bar keep says "you're in here pretty often, do you think you're an alcoholic?" The horse replies "no I don't think I am..." and vanishes out of existence
See the joke is about Descartes' famous quip "I think therefore I am" but to explain that at the beginning of the joke would be putting Descartes before the horse.
helpmyspacebarbrokencanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative?
Sure, but what does ternative mean?
Does anyone know any good sword fighting puns?
Im trying to think of words that have a duel meaning.
I met some chess enthusiasts in a hotel lobby today. They all just kept bragging about how good they are at the game.
Theres nothing worse than chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
Did you hear about the troupe of mimes who were arrested?
They committed unspeakable acts.
My friend Tony asked me to not say his name backwards....
I asked ynoT?
Christmas dinner
My wife asked me to order prime rib for Christmas dinner. When I asked how much, she said 4 bones. I told her I would only order 3, or 5. Otherwise its not prime rib.
Coffee was just voted the best drink in the nation.
But it was unfair, there were absent tea ballots.
What do you call approx 2,000 pounds (907 kg) of Chinese soup?
Won ton.
Why is hiking in the woods a great way to meet new people?
I met two paramedics, a nurse, a heart surgeon, and nearly met Jesus!
Why was Dasher upset with Rudolph's latest report card?
He went down in history
My wife told me dinner was ready...and she asked me to help make the plates
So I said I've never taken a pottery class but I'd try
She just rolled her eyes and groaned
I have a bad addiction to apples, I go through several bags a day.
Sadly, I cant get close enough to any doctors to get it treated.
Christmas dinnerAn elderly couple are spending their 70th Christmas together. To celebrate they decide to eat their Christmas dinner naked as they had both had a few sherries that morning.
As they were eating the elderly wife looks across the table at her husband and says to him winking, do you know my tits are as hot for you now as they were 70 years ago
The elderly husband looks back over to her and says, I'm not surprised dear they are dangling in your gravy
Why did the dad get fired from the calendar factory?
He kept taking days off.
A guy goes up to the clerk at the corner store and asks,Hey, got any of those helicopter flavoured chips?
Clerks goes, No, sorry, Im all out
But Ive got plane.
Why did Picassos girlfriend go see her OB/GYN?
Because of her Blue Period.
Where does the President keep his armies?
Up his Sleevies.
George Lucas finally released Yoda's last name
Evidently its Lay He Hoo.
If a vacuum cleaner sucks
Is it good or bad?
What do you call a potato thats a friend
Brotato chip
What do you call a polar bear in the jungle?
Lost
What do you call a jungle cat with bad hearing?
A deaf leopard
The inventor of origami has died...
... RIP
Toy Dracula Dolls
I got a new job making toy Dracula dolls. There is only 1 other employee so I have to make every second Count.