My suspicious wife asked how our lawn stays vibrantly green all year while the neighbors turn brown every winter. I said, Well, I could try to convince you that I actually understand soil composition, or how I mastered the watering schedule all while studying mower blade sharpening techniques
but I dye grass.

I accidentally handed my girlfriend the glue stick instead of the chapstick
She still isnt speaking to me

Multiple reports claiming Sting has been kidnapped
The Police still have no lead.

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet?
I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they don't know either.

It is with great sadness that I have to mention the loss of a few local businesses.
A local bra manufacturer has gone bust, a submarine company has gone under, a manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation, a dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers and a company supplying paper for origami enthusiasts has folded. Do you know of any others??

I just found out I am colorblind
This news really came out of the purple.

How did Jesus do on his final exam?
He nailed it

I told my wife that I was going to make a car out of spaghetti and she didn't believe me, but you should have seen her face when I drove pasta...
She was so shocked that she left me, and now I'm cannelloni.

I went to the doctor because I couldnt wake my feet up.
His diagnosis? Theyre coma toes

Why did Winnie the Pooh burn himself taking pizza out of the oven?
Because he used his bear hands.

Theres a company that only tows Nissans
Theyre called Head and Shoulders - Nissan Tows

What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and lobster with a boob job?
One is a crusty bus station, the others a busty crustacean

If you can choose what kind of tree youre going to fall out of, what kind should you choose?
A short one!

Did you hear about the farmers that want a government bailout?
They want money for nothing and their chickens for free.

Guess those farmers are in dire straits.

What does scooby doo say after praying?
Ramen

My daughter said she was starting to like my beard.
I knew she was lying when she told me it was growing on her.

What is a magnets favorite music genre?
Heavy metal.

Lame joke of the day...
what is a vampire's favorite bloody drink?
...B positive.

My kid asked if he could play some of my retro games.
I said "sure, you can".

What plants like Halloween the most?
Bam-BOO!

Ive just finished reading a book called how to clear leaves from your lawn
By Ray King

My wife and I still have chemistry.
Unfortunately, at our age, most of it involves antacids and prescription medications.

When my son's goldfish died, I offered to get him another one just like it.
He said, "Why would I want two dead goldfish?"

I once dated a crossed eyed girl but had to end it,
she was seeing someone else on the side.

What kind of pants do ghost wear?
A paranormal jeans.