A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down.
He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

Te bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

My wife was surprised to learn that my blood runs orange instead of red.
I guess she didnt realize I had carroted arteries.

What do you call a camel with no humps?
Humphrey.

I sent an email to CEO of Lego yesterday. He didn't respond.
I think i got blocked

I told my doctor I heard buzzing in my head.
She said it's just a bug that's going around.

What job in the military best prepares you for becoming a dentist?
Drill Sergeant.

Two girls run out of a lake house at the same speed, landing in the water exactly 25 feet from the shore and 25 feet from one another, all while looking each other straight in the eye. How is this possible?
The answer is truly a paradox

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake in the morning
.... because they don't have any balls to scratch.

If you want to be a great photographer
You have to stay focussed.

Three guys on a boat have 4 cigarettes.
But they have nothing to light them with. So they toss one cigarette overboard to make the boat a cigarette lighter.

I was confused when my wife texted me, Get home safe, babe.
We already own a home safe.

There was once a man named Odd.
People made fun of him because of his name so he decided to keep his gravestone blank when he died.

Now when people pass by the burial site, they point and say, "That's odd."

Why can't men run fast in a dress?
Too much drag.

Why couldn't the jalapeno practice archery?
Because it didn't habanero.

How do you call 2 ducks that exist but shouldn't ?
A pair o' ducks

I heard touching poison ivy can change your pronouns. So I figured Id give it a shot.
Now Im It/She

I ran a marathon with my Bible in my hands.
Now my Psalms are all sweaty.

Why did the birds attack my dog?
He is a purebread dog.

Why are dogs terrible at dancing?
They have two left feet.

What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?
A father in law.

I catered an Italian wedding once
Before it started, I saw the father of the bride screaming "Where's-a the pasta!" over and over again

I went up to him and said, "Sir, the food's not gonna be served until after the ceremony"

He responded "I'm not talking about the food! The pasta, where is-a he?!"

What do you call a lawyer who becomes a priest?

Father in law.

What do you call a pod of musical black and white whales?
An Orca-Stra

What is Darth Vaders favorite James Bond movie?
Dr. Nooooooo!!

I've been looking into corruption in the elevator industry and I've discovered...
...it goes all the way to the top.