An old lady goes to the doctor and says doc, I cant stop farting. Theyre silent with no smell, but Ive let out 20 in the past 5 minutes sitting here
The doc gives her some pills and tells her to come back next week.

The next week the old lady comes back and says doc, I took the pills, the farts are still silent but now they stink!

The doc says great! Weve cleared your sinuses, now lets work on your hearing!

Confucius says
Man who walks sideways through a turnstile in Thailand going to Bangkok.

A woman visits her husband in prison. Before leaving, she says to a correction officer:
"You shouldn't make my husband work so hard he's exhausted!"

The officer laughs: "Work? Ma'am, he only eats, sleeps, and stays in his cell"

The wife replies: "That's strange.. he told me he's been digging a tunnel for months!"

What do you call a Chinese man with an amputated leg?
Tai Wan Shu

So I guess Tiger Woods is going to have to rely on his short game a lot more now...
Since he obviously can't drive any more.

What do you call a blind cheetah?
A heetah because, he can't C

I don't like people who take drugs...
For example, airport security.

how are slutty cows shipped into the US?
through the Strait of Whore Moos

Always use a credit card when buying any type of battery
Thats not for tracking or record-keeping purposes.

Its simply that batteries work best when theyre charged.

(The above advice comes free of charge. Youre welcome.)

Giraffe.
I read that giraffes can grow up to 18 feet.

The ones I've seen only had four.

I thought physical therapy was a big scam until I finally went to one for my lower back
I stand corrected

What genre of music do all national anthems fall into?
Country music.

What rock group has four guys that dont sing?
Mount Rushmore. . .

I said to my son, "I need a battery so I can tell the time." He asked, "Is it for a clock?" I answered...
"I don't know! That's why I need the battery!"

What types of birds stick together?
Vel-crows

Dad, why dont eggs tell jokes?
Because theyd crack each other up.

One thing is for certain after Tiger Woods latest car crash
He's going to need a new Driver

I have a couple of dad jokes for you. (Set up)
A- Why did the chicken cross the road?

B- idk why?

A- To get to the idiots house.

Let it sit. they are confused.

A- Knock knock.

B- Who's there?

A- The chicken.

A man asks the librarian, Do you have books on paranoia?
She whispers, Theyre right behind you.

He asks, And on patience?

She hands him Waiting for the End of the World.

How much do dead batteries cost?
No charge

My brother's addiction...
I'm concerned that my brother is addicted to brake fluid!
It's so much the worse because he says he can, "...stop at any time".

[My humble apologies, but this is so good that it bears repeating]

My wife told me to stop singing Monkees songs
She says I'm a bad singer and it gets really annoying. At first I thought she was kidding....

But then I saw her face!

What gets longer when pulled, works best when jerked and inserts into a slot?
A seatbelt.

If a letter is mail, what's a bill?
Fee mail

Why didn't aliens come to earth?
They turned around at Uranus because of the smell.