The first 3 letters of 'Sweden' and 'Denmark' spell out 'Sweden.'
The remaining letters spell out 'Denmark.'

The inventor of Velcro passed away last week.
RIP.

I don't like computer science jokes.
Not one bit.

Why is Vader called Lord?
Because calling him "Master" made all of the Stormtroopers giggle.

I woke up from a dream that a female horse charged at me
What a night-mare

I asked the bank manager why they keep denying me a home loan. I said, Its because my job pays me in soothing succulents, isnt it?
He said, Exactly we consider that aloe income.

Without nipples
Boobs would be pointless

I just read a book entitled " how to survive falling down a staircase"
It's a step by step guide published last fall.

Iv just started dating this amazing sexy woman whos an advocate of the Metric system
Oh, where did you meter

Whats water's chemical formula?
H I J K L M N O
H to O

Have you heard about Chris Pine's wife, Sue?
She's really laid back.

Did you hear about the chronic masturbator who passed away?
He died after three strokes

I just found out my new neighbor is European...
He's having a meter sale this weekend.

What was the last thing Grandpa said before he kicked the bucket?
Lets see how far I can kick this bucket

What do you call a potato wearing glasses?
A spectator.

A baby buffalo went to his mother and came out as bisexual to her.
He's a bi-son now.

I walked past a Vietnamese restaurant today...
...called Pho de Nguyen. Took me sec, but I got it. Ftw!

I got attacked by one, three, five, seven and nine.
The odds were against me.

The Dalia Lama went into a pizza shop and asked
Can you make me one with everything?

The initial consultation with our fertility doctor was conveniently over video. At the end of the call I said, Too bad we cant get pregnant this way.
The doctor said, Yeah, for that youre going to need to come in person.

I saw an army of babies walking down the street this morning.
I think it was the infantry.

Where's the best place to find a wedding DJ?
Wikiwikipedia.

A true dinner time story
Tonight, we were eating burgers, and one of my kids decided to try to look into the hole in the ketchup bottle.

Kid: Why cant I see into the ketchup bottle?

Me: Because you wear glasses.

Kid: Why does that matter?

Me: Because Heinz-sight is 20/20!

Wife: huge eye roll

It was glorious!

In Common...
What does a zoo college have in common with the human brain?

They both have a hippo-campus!

Why did the beans move to Australia?
Because they wanted to live in Cairns!