I told my kids this morning that well finally be able to afford that Disney vacation because gas stations are offering free fill-ups all month long.
April Fuels!

I showed my damaged luggage to the lawyer and said "I'd like to sue the airline."
The lawyer said "you don't have much of a case"

There was a kidnapping at my daughter's school today...
... Don't worry, they managed to wake him up eventually!!

Tourist, "Look, there's a whole flock of cows."
Farmer, "Herd of cows." Tourist, "Heard of cows? Of course I've heard of cows. They're those farm animals that go 'moo'. There's a whole flock of them over there."

Sometimes spelling a word or phrase backwards will still keep the original meaning
For example, if you spell "absolutely nothing" backwards, then you get "gnihton yletulosba" which means absolutely nothing.

Somebody asked me to guess the 8th letter of the alphabet
I was wrong

What do you call a mouse that stands on two legs? Mickey Mouse. What do you call a duck that stands on two legs?
Any duck

I was never very good at counting in French. I'd never make it past seven...
Turns out I had a huit allergy.

Hooters is filing for bankruptcy
Tough titties

At a job interview, the company director asks the candidate: "Why are you asking for such a high salary when you have no experience in this field?"
Candidate: " Well, the job is much harder when you don't Know what you're doing."

What do you call the most famous cow of all time?
LegenDAIRY

Man ordered a 100% guaranteed penis enlargement
He received magnifying glass only instruction was "Do not use under direct sunlight"

I received an SMS that said I would receive a million dollars from an African king if I sent him $1000
It was a context message.

I bumped into someone and i dropped my fries
It was a snackcident.

Did you hear about the stir fry chef who applied for a remote position?
He wanted to wok from home.

I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane.

I heard Saitama once tried being a comedian...
But his audience never survived past the first punchline.

Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on their ships?
So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian

Dad Jokes are clean jokes.
Ones your dad tells in front of mom. Silly puns, playful innuendo, phrases used out of context or misspoken? Yes.

Actual swear words or explicit slang terms or racial slurs in the set up or punch line? No.

Dirty jokes are not dad jokes.

Is it illegal to train crows to poop on police vehicles?
Maybe, but you have to be careful. If you're caught trying to gather crows to train, you could be charged with attempted murder.

What does an Italian say when he takes his laundry out of a high-quality washing machine?
Grazie Miele!

What do you call a dinosaur that got into a car crash?
a tyrannosaurus-wrecks ( Buddum ts)

I'm sorry that I haven't matured past the point of making everything into a sexual innuendo
It's just really hard.

If a transport truck carrying a load of fruit crashed on the highway, what do you get?
Traffic Jam

What does an astronomer do when his childs hair gets too long?
Eclipse it.