A womans husband comes home early, so she hides her lover in the closet not realizing her 9-year-old son is already in there.
The boy whispers, Its dark in here.

The man says, Yeah.

I have a baseball.

Okay.

Wanna buy it?

No.

My dads outside.

How much?

$1000.

Fine.

A few days later, the boys dad says, Lets play catch.

I cant. I sold my ball for $1000.

Thats outrageous! That's a lot more than they actually cost. Youre confessing this at church.

In the confessional, the boy says, Its dark in here.

The priest sighs, Dont start that shit again.

A man walks into a bar. Hes got syphilis, typhoid, cholera, rickets, scurvy, bubonic plague, gout, shingles, pink eye, ringworm, mono, hepatitis A through C, whooping cough, measles, mumps, dengue fever, trench foot, strep throat, mumps, measles, Lyme disease, and hand-foot-and-mouth disease.
Bartender says, "What is this...some kind of sick joke?"

I broke up with a girl once because she wouldnt stop counting.
I wonder what shes up to now.

Two drunk guys were fighting. One of them drew a line in the dirt, and said if the other crossed it they would punch them in the face...
That was the punchline.

NSFW from the Mrs
My girl had to get her mammogram today, I texted to see how it went, no like, she texted back:

"No abnormalititties detected!"

What do you call a song about female pirates?
A she shanty!

The older I get, the more I think about the hereafter
I go to the basement and say to myself "What am I here after?"

I got arrested today by a police officer who was clueless about basic chemistry.
Tried to tell me that my pepper spray was a salt.

My new car has a button for just about everything.
It even has one that says "rear wiper"

Still too afraid to try that one.

My boss told me to have a good day
So I went home

What do you give the cannibal whos late to dinner?
The cold shoulder.

A guy told his psychiatrist that he felt like there was a horse living inside him
But he seemed stable

My boss said "dress for the job you want, not the job you have"
I went in as Batman

There was a break-in at the wig factory.
Police are combing the area.

Ricardo Montalbn had trouble finding work after Star Trek.
No one wants to hire an ex-Kahn.

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect
and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

I didnt know what I was supposed to wear to the pre-ejaculators meeting
so I just came in my pants

Last night I had to make the difficult decision to pull the plug on my grandma.
Why do you always ruin bath time!? she yelled.

I had to change doctor because he couldn't cure my impotency.
No hard feelings.

To each their own
Lady: do you drink beer?

Me: yes.

Lady: how many per day? Me: 3.

Lady: how much do you pay per beer?

Me: $5 each including tip.

Lady: how long have you been drinking?

Me: about 20 years.

Lady: 3 beers a day equates to $450 per month or $5,400 per year. In 20 years, that's $108,000.

Me: sounds correct.

Lady: did you know that if you put that money into a savings account, that after interest, you would have had enough money to buy a plane?

Me: do you drink beer?

Lady: no.

Me: where's your fucking plane?

The employees at the restaurant last night were having some kind of a feud and they were trying to drag me into it.
When the server was taking my order, she told me I had to choose a side.

How many dead bodies does it take to change a lightbulb?
CLUE: Its not 8 cos my basement is still dark.

I think my French girlfriend wants to adopt a kitten...
She keeps telling me "we need to have a little chat."

What do you call a dog that digs up really old bones?
A barkaeologist

I'm usually quite a chilled out guy but recently I got really angry over a self portrait...
... It's not like me.