Teacher: What is the most important punctuation mark?Johnny: The period?
Teacher: Can you tell me
why?
Johnny: I don't know, but when my sister missed one of hers, my mom fainted, my dad got mad, and the neighbor left town and never came back.
I'd make a joke about Trump's promised $5000 tariff check
But I don't think anyone will get it.
My stepson set me up perfectlyMy wife enjoys butterscotch pudding for dessert, and since I love my wife, I made some for her last night.
She finished eating some of it and called my stepson downstairs to put the remainder in the fridge for her.
He came in, grabbed the container, and started coughing(he's allergic to the world and has had post nasal drip all week). When he started coughing, the wife said "Don't cough on my pudding!"
To which I said "Yeah! It's butterscotch flavored, not coffee flavored!"
Fellow Dad's the groan my wife made sounded like she was possessed of the devil. She then threw something at me and said I wasn't allowed to talk for the rest of the night.
Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on earth?
It's pasteurized before you even see it.
Bloke sitting on a park bench. Woman walks up to him and says, Excuse me, are you a trombonist?"Man says, "No I'm not."
She thinks for a second, and says, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure."
"Are you absolutely sure?"
Exasperated, the man says, "Oh alright, yes I am a trombonist!"
"Funny," she says. "You don't look like one."
I swapped all the labels in my wife's spice rack.
I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Sadly, Mrs. Coffee is filing for divorce from Mr. Coffee.
Sadly, Mrs. Coffee is filing for divorce from Mr. Coffee. No one knows why, but apparently she had grounds.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
Supplies!
Just about had it with Amazon.
Every time I order chicken pellets and grain, they email me three days later asking for their feed back.
How do you electrify a choir?
You go for the conductor!
Got caught by a skeleton this morning
Turned out to be an xoskeleton, so it just gave me hugs & kisses
I walked into a closet that had mirrors on every side
I was beside myself.
Scientists have mated a cheetah with a crab!
Scientists have mated a cheetah with a crab! Its been reported that the experiment went sideways real fast!
What do you call an undercover shoe?
A sneaker
According to my math teacher, xy = 1 is the most amazing equation in the history of the world. Honestly, I think he's exaggerating.
It just seems like hyperbola.
You know if you were to make a chart about the characters in Frozen
when you get to the reindeer character youd have to use a Sven Diagram
The first 3 letters of 'Sweden' and 'Denmark' spell out 'Sweden.'
The remaining letters spell out 'Denmark.'
I sat by myself on the bus today.
It was weird that there were two of me.
In todays news, the White House has ordered that Artificial Intelligence be renamed Super Intelligence.
Officials are now debating whether kettles should be reclassified as steam engines.
GRANDMA SHOWED ME the grape vineyard she USED to work at as a child.GRANDMA SHOWED ME the grape vineyard she USED to work at as a child.
She smiled when she said it was her "Old stomping grounds".
I got kicked out of a Vietnamese restaurant.
They bahn mi pho life.
Teacher ArrestedTeacher Arrested!
A teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.
At a morning press conference Attorney General Todd Blanche said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-Gebra is a problem for us," Director of National Intelligence Clayton said. "They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values." They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle.
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Trump said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes." White House Director of Communications Cheung told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that the Nobel Prize for Physics will follow.
I was on the train to work and the conductor told me he had to charge me extra for telling dad jokes.
I told him that's not fare.
What do you call a pit crew who find a waffle at the beach?
Car men sandy Eggo
What did the mama cow say to the baby cow when it was time for bed
Its pasture bedtime