I had a car accident the other day. The driver was a dwarf. He got out and said he was not happy.
So I said, which one are you then?

On his deathbed, my grandfather said, Remember these two words. Theyll open a lot of doors for you in life.
"Push and Pull."

just got hospitalized for being cringe.
they put me in the awk ward.

A man drives his boat out to sea to a nearby fishing spot.
He catches a fish on the very first cast. When he pulls it in, the fish begins talking to him.

I could hear your boat coming 10 minutes ago. This is because sound travels four times faster in seawater than air. Researchers say this is also why whales can communicate hundreds of miles apart.

The fisherman says, Wow, youre a really intelligent fish!

The fish says, Im really here to distract you from catching the rest of my family. Because Im a read herring.

I Finally Cracked the Illusive 3 Word Joke (my personal record for shortest joke)
Watches are handy

I like it because you get a triple play on the handy: handy as in convenient, handy as in the watch has hands, and handy as in a wrist is near your hand, making it handy.

Anyway, do you have any 3 word jokes or shorter? This is my personal record, but I love joke craft so hit me with em.

Why cant you send a duck to outer space?
Because the bill would be astronomical.

BREAKING: Iran just torpedoed its own submarine in the Strait of Hormuz, killing all 100 sailors on board.
Oops wrong sub.

yeah

A reproductive health clinic has a sign that reads
For family planning and contraception, come through the back door

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

So they did.

Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

My barber told me some terrible news. He said he couldn't cut my hair any longer...
He said he could only cut it shorter.

The woman who fell from the cruise ship has been identified.
Her name: Eileen Dover

I put a matchbox car in my underwear this morning
It's been driving me nuts all day

I tried to walk like an Egyptian..
Now I need Cairo Practor..

Can one of the Mods please explain to me why my post was removed?
I'm really annoyed about this because now my fence has fallen over....

I tried to organize a hide and seek tournament.
But good players are hard to find.

Did you know horses have a low divorce rate?
Its because they have a stable home environment

Did you know that any time two Egyptology professors are in the same room, they fart simultaneously?
It's the curse of Toot-in-Common

You know what I really can't stand?
A broken tripod.

I freaked out my kids when I taught them what the part of our hands to our elbows are called.
They never realized humans have forearms.

Note: Based on a true story.

I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years because I found out she was a communist.
I should have known, there were red flags everywhere.

What do you call a belt made of watches?
A waist of time.

Military officers make up a lot of cover stories, but they're not all liars
There's a colonel of truth.

If you watched a World Cup game earlier in the tournament, you can skip the final.
Once youve seen one youve seen Yamal.

I won gold at a weather forecasting event yesterday,
I beat the raining champion.