Dentist: This will hurt a little.Patient: OK.
Dentist: Im having an affair with your wife.
Did you hear about the shuttle full of Elvis impersonators that crashed in Las Vegas
No one was hurt but they were all shook up
When I inherited part of my dads fortune, I called my sister and asked, Did he give money to you too?
She answered, Why would he do that? He never even listened to their music!
I was asked to run a marathon recently, but said hell no. But my mate told me it was for blind and handicapped kids.
I thought for a while and thought, yeah, why the hell not, I could easily win that race.
Why does a milking stool only have three legs?Because the cow has the udder.
(I never see this one here - maybe the bots will pick it up.)
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe...A few hours pass and they decide it's time to finish up.
They're extremely drunk and they stand up to leave but the giraffe falls over and passes out.
The man staggers to the door, about to leave by himself, when the bartender stops him and says, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!"
The man stops and slurs, "Don't be silly, that's not a lion, that's a giraffe!"
A weasel goes into a bar. The bartender says Interesting. Ive never served a weasel before. What can I get you?
Pop goes the weasel.
A lawyer goes into a bar.The bartender says, "What can I get you?"
"Pop" goes the weasel.
My wife worships me.
She places burnt offerings before me every single night
I went into a bank with a load of posters saying This is a robbery.
I said "stick 'em up".
I once dated a girl that turned out to be a communist.
I should have known better, there were red flags everywhere.
Today, for breakfast, I had waffles; for lunch, I had Cheez-Its; for dinner, I ate tofu blocks; and for dessert, I ate brownies.
I had four square meals today.
How do you combine things underwater?
By submerging them
In college I took a class on humility and failed it.
Which was strange because the work I did in it was absolutely genius.
My university has spent 200 years researching roaming cattle.
This year, theyre celebrating their bison-tennial.
I don't eat chicken
it tastes fowl
How does a polygamist hippie count his wives?
1 Mrs. Hippie. 2 Mrs. Hippie. 3. Mrs Hippie...
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory
What do you call a happy cowboy?
A jolly rancher.
My wife and I have decided that we dont want kids.
If anyone else does we can drop them round later.
My mom and my dad were quite the opposite:
My mom was always right and my dad left.
I was invited to a comedy club for surgeons a few days ago. I left shortly after the show started, completely disgusted and traumatized
It was open Mike night
Im sorry and I apologize mean the same thing
Except at a funeral
A swimmer was asked what her favourite stroke was
She replied The one that killed Margaret Thatcher.
What do you call raw fish that's been prepared by a samurai?
Slashimi