What do tofu and a dildo have in common?
They are both meat substitutes

I told my therapist that I got a gun because of my fear of birds.
He said I was getting carried way.

I chambered a round and said, "Not today, I'm not."

I struggle with Roman Numerals until I get to 159.
Then it just CLIX.

I got my vaccination for shingles today.
Just to be on the safe side, I also got one for vinyl siding as well.

What's the highest religious festival in the Islamic Republic of Japan?
Ramendan.

My friend Joe is losing weight
He's on the Dolly Parton diet. It really makes Joe lean.

Why did the witch go commando?
To get a better grip on her broom

My 12 year old son just made this up
My 12 year old to me:
Dad, every time I see a homeless guy now, he has a dog with him.
I tell the homeless guy hes investing in the wrong Roof!

( I had to high five the little guy it was so bad!)

"Knock, knock." "Who's there?"
"The doorbell repair man."

A dung beetle walks into a bar
and says Is that stool taken?

To whoever stole my glasses
I will find you,i have contacts.

I hate when my girlfriend gets mad at me for being lazy
Its not like I did anything

Im currently writing a joke about a slight breeze
But its just a draft right now

I asked my wife if shed hem my pants. She ripped them out of my hands and snapped, Fine! I said, Whoa, whats wrong? She said, Nothing.
I said, You seam angry

PSA: If you receive an email containing a video of bear attacks, do not open it!
Its maul ware.

Last request
Priest: Do you have any last requests? Murderer sitting in the electric chair: Yes. Can you please hold my hand?

My proctologist stopped breathing during my colonoscopy.
She assfixiated.

A Mexican magician tells his audience that for his final trick of the evening he will completely vanish on the count of three...
He then goes "Uno!" "Dos!" ...and suddenly *POOF!*

He disappeared without a Tres.

My penis was in the Guinness book of world records...
Then the librarian told me to take it out

My dog is a mathematical genius
I asked him "what is 2 minus 2".

He said nothing.

My GF told me she's leaving because of my obsession with health and safety.
I said, "Don't let the door hit you on the way out."

A couple goes to a steakhouse for dinner.
Server: How would you like your ribeye cooked?

Husband: Like winning an argument with my wife.

Server: Rare it is.

Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field!

What did the two oceans say when they passed by each other?
Nothing. They just waved.

Sea what I did there?

I saw an audiologiist today and i need a 2nd opinion...
why do i need a heron egg.