What happened in 1980s that caused global warming to increase so rapidly?
I was born. And became hotter every year...

I think its a great idea to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit.
But thats just my two scents.

My wife and I decided we dont want to have kids so I went and got a vasectomy.
But when I got home they were still there

I realized the best name for your car is Link.
Not only is it a Zelda reference, but every time you park, you can say you left Link in Park.

(I just thought of this one today.)

A man was found angrily screaming in the anti-perspirant aisle at Walmart
He was in the middle of a deodor-rant!

People wonder how my broth manufacturing business took off so quickly. Well, I'll tell you the secret... We started adding yeast to all of our products.
That's what really caused our stock to rise.

Its been 3 years since I started training for the ejaculation distance championships
Since then Ive come a long way.

I was heartbroken when my wife told me that my five-year-old was not my son.
Then she told me to pay more attention at kindergarten pickup.

I dont understand why people dislike vegans so much
Ive never had beef with them.

I saw a film that was G, PG-13, and R all at once.
That movie was so overrated.

Bruce Lee was fast, but did you know that he had a brother that was even faster?
His name was Sudden Lee.

I almost decided to start worshipping paper bags
But decided that would be sack religious.

My wife always complains that I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right

I'm trying to remember a word . . .
Are there any tricky, gimmicky ways to remember the word "mnemonic"?

My dentist said to stop grinding my teeth.
Or shell stop the examination and take away my finger skateboard.

Saw a woman at the grocery scratching all the soap bars.
Said she was tickling the Ivories.

My wife asked me if Id seen the dog bowl
I didnt know it did

I mixed a laxative in my alphabet soup.
I call it letter rip!

Where did the IT guy go?
He probably ransomware.

Where do gay coffee beans go to find an online hookup?
grinder

I paid NASA $500 for an industrious little insect who just got back from a space mission.
That's ex orbit ant.

What did the monkey say after his chicken got stolen?
Macaque!

Someone broke into our house last night and stole a dozen eggs.
They also left a pan of boiling water on the stove.

Police believe it was poachers.

My friend tony told me not to say his name backwards
I said "y not?"

I know two guys who are absolutely nuts.
They're Mac and Damian.