My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect
and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

My new car has a button for just about everything.
It even has one that says "rear wiper"

Still too afraid to try that one.

Two horses have been married for years..
.. and their relationship is getting a little stale particularly in the bedroom.

The male decides to look on the internet for ideas, and discovers lingerie for horses. He tells his wife he's going shopping, and heads into the town. After much searching he finds a few of the things he's looking for, of course it's tricky for him to carry it home, so he tucks it into his bridle.

He pops into a bar on the way home, and the bartender asks "why the thong lace?"

I've never seen the movie Frozen, so I asked my 4 year old daughter to summarize it for me
She looked at me funny and said, well if I SUMMERIZE it, then it would be called MELTED!!

I didnt know what I was supposed to wear to the pre-ejaculators meeting
so I just came in my pants

What does the drummer name his twin daughters?
Ana 1, Ana 2.

What do you call a dog that digs up really old bones?
A barkaeologist

The doorbell rang and my wife yelled, Honey, its that boomerang salesman again.
I mumbled, I should have known hed come back.

I asked the librarian if the library had books on paranoia
She whispered, Theyre right behind you.

What do you call a singing computer?
A Dell.

A sperm donor, a carpenter and Julius Caesar walked into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered.

My wife said Im sick of you pretending to be a detective and that we should split up.
I said thats a great idea, we can cover more ground that way.

Fun fact; around 60% of people who watched The Cure live in concert...
actually watched Placebo and enjoyed it just as much.

Told my Canadian pal I got into an argument with my wife.
"Why don't you buy her a bouquet?" he asked.

I said, "She isn't a big reader."

So Julie the Sultana has been cheating on her husband with Steve the Raisin.
Just keeping you up to date with currant affairs.

It shouldnt surprise anyone that Mr. Potato Head can have any woman he wants.
Hes loaded.

My hot girlfriend was banned from the library.
Because everyone kept trying to check her out.

My son excitedly asked me if I wanted to watch a show about how they dug a tunnel under the English Channel to connected England to France.
I told him, "No thanks that sounds like a boring documentary."

How did the barber win the race
He knew a short cut

i wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.
Then it hit me

I wrote a fictional short story about Giovanni Coinci, the first Italian immigrant to open a dentistry private practice in the United States.
Any similarity to actual persons, living or dead, is purely Coinci Dental.

What do you call a floating dog?
Good buoy.

I got a new pen! It can write underwater
It can write other words, too.

A man in an interrogation room says Im not saying a word without my lawyer present. "But you are the lawyer" replied the cops.
"Exactly, so wheres my present?"

man im starting to get afraid for the 2025 calendar.
Its days are numbered.