I once dated a cross eyed girl
It didnt work out, we didnt see eye to eye. I also think she was seeing someone on the side.

Whats the worst part about taking an ancient history course?
The professors tend to Babylon.

I survived a fall without a parachute...
I've also survived a winter, spring and summer without one, too.

Hey Alexa, why am I so bad with women?
"I'm Siri you idiot."

A Trump and a human can reproduce
but the offspring is Barron.

My dad always said:
My dad often said Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end the faster it goes.

Why was the broom late for school on Monday?
He over-swept

What idiot invented fire blankets?
Youd think fire is hot enough.

Tech tip: Its dangerous to download Come Sail Away or Satisfaction. Turn, Turn, Turn is perfectly fine however
Styx and Stones may break your phones, but the Byrds will never hurt you.

Last night I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.. she replied a divorce
I wasn't planning on spending that much..

A French woman bet me I couldn't make two bilingual egg puns.
So I asked her if one would be an oeuf. She said no, and demanded two. So I told her, "that's a crocque, madame".

Our computers went down at the office today, so we had to do everything manually.
It took me fifteen minutes to shuffle the cards for Solitaire.

Where do you house a well-balanced horse?
A stable.

A programmers wife tells him, "Go to the store and get a loaf of bread." "If they have eggs, get a dozen."
He returns with twelve loaves of bread.

She asks why, and he says, "Because they had eggs."

I'm worried about the crew of the Artemis II mission
Their Outlook isn't looking good.

What do you call a space ship powered by methane?
The fart-emis

Daaaaaaad, why do you always tell fart jokes???

My wife took the new car out for a drive
When she returned, she said I have good news and bad news

I said, whats the good news?

She said, well, the airbags on the new car work.

Which insect is the opposite of a stink bug?
Deodor ant

If crowns for your teeth
Are made of ceramic. And if toilets are also made of ceramic.. does that make me a potty mouth?

Edit: I screwed up my own joke. Its supposed to be porcelain, not ceramic! Cant believe I butchered it

One time while sailing on the ocean a dolphin jumped into our boat.
It wasn't an accident, he did it on porpoise.

Teri got so many traits from her mother, even her addiction to reddit
I call her reddit Teri

I come from a family of failed magicians...
I have two half sisters

I didn't tip the waitress because of terrible service. She threw a pack of condiments towards me!
I told her I'd be suing her for a salt.

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?
He won the no-bell prize.

Did you know that geese can't hear that well?
That's why every time you talk to them, they're like HUH?!