One of my greatestMy wife last night, at a charity dinner: oh my gosh, babe! Thats my high school statistics teacher!
Me, immediately: what are the odds??
Dad joke from my 15yo sonBackground: My son is half Japanese. His Japanese is much better than his English.
I was making dinner, talking with my boys. My eldest (15yo) opened Disney+ on his phone and started playing Frozen on it. He then grabbed the remote from his brothers, opened Disney+ on the TV and started playing Frozen 2.
He came over to me and said, "Daddy, I wanted to watch a movie on my phone, but it was frozen. So, I tried to watch it on the TV, but it was frozen, too."
I've never been prouder in my life.
If a tomb is pronounced "toom" and a womb is pronounced "woom,"
why isn't a bomb pronounced "boom?"
What is a Leper's favorite musical?
Footloose.
Face the facts people, aliens never visit Earth.
They've read the Yelp review. Only 1 star.
Dad jokes are like German sausages
Theyre the WURST!
What do you call a Middle Aged dinosaur with joint problems?
A Mykneesaresaur.
Whats the difference between an intense interrogation and a nature walk?
One is badgering a witness, the other is witnessing a badger.
Bubba is reading the newspaper when he turns to Skeeter and says, Have you seen this? Three cliff walkers have fallen to their deaths!!!
Unbelievable! replies Skeeter, I cant believe they all had the same name!
Went to the doctor with a suspicious looking mole
he said they all look like that and I should have left him in the garden.
Whats the difference between Black Eyes Peas and Chickpeas?
Black Eyes Peas can sing us a song while Chickpeas can only HUMMUS one.
Tomorrow I'll do a talk for people who can't achieve orgasm.
Those who can't come, can come.
Last night my wife said we need to make our wills.
I said, Ugh, Id rather die.
Did you hear about the bakery they opened down at the zoo?
Its called Bread in Captivity
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says Im OK
, but I feel like I dyed inside.
I used to hate facial hair
But then it grew on me.
In which city do India people leave their mother?
Mumbai
Before I decipher Sumerian tablets, I always put on the same pants and jersey...
It's my cuneiform uniform.
What do you get when a stoner, a Jedi, and a surgeon walk into a bar?
Blunt force trauma.
Saxophone
What do you call a person who pretends they can play the saxophone? A saxophoney
What do cannibals serve at the begining of dinner parties?
Handshakes
What did the brain say to the bladder when it started leaking?
Urine trouble!!!
How does my dog show that she likes classical music?
By Wagner tail.
I removed the middle of my dictionary.
Now, it's just a diary.
I went to the doctors with hearing problems he said Can you describe the symptoms?
I said Homers a a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair