I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth this morning. Thankfully no harm was done..
But I'm now speaking with a weird Axe scent..
Just ate my last piece of brie and now its raining.
Aint no sunshine when cheese gone.
During our tour of Philadelphia, the guide pointed out the U.S. Mint and said, Believe it or not, this facility discontinued making pennies here last year.
I leaned over to my wife and whispered, That doesnt make any cents!
What is the difference between grey and gray?
Gray is a colour, while grey is a color.
My wife asked me, Did you eat the last piece of cake in the refrigerator? I said, No, I ate it in the living room.
And, thats how the fight started!
I nearly lost my job as a roofer after being caught masturbating on the first day.
Luckily the boss said I could wipe the slate clean.
My wife told me her best friend just discovered the man shed been dating was actually an android. I said, Thats awful. Is she handling it okay?
Not at all sounds like she blew a fuse.
What do you call a man without a body or a nose?
Nobody nose
What gender is a doorbell?
Male. It has a ding dong.
What do you call an alligator who is figuring out where to go?
A navigator
What do you call it when you pass gas and it is a masterpiece?
A work of fart!
What do you call a fly with broken wings?
A walk.
I date only women who are from the 500s to the 1500s AD.
This is because I'm into middle-aged women.
How does a cannibal get rid of bad breath?
He chews on some Men toes
My 12 year old son wants to start a hide and seek club
But really good players are hard to find
Why was the clock exceedingly good at bench press but could never improve his squats?
Because hes an all arm clock
After days of digging, I've finally cracked Forrest Gump's computer password
Turns out, it's 1Forrest1
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
The outside
Did you hear the joke about dj vu?
Did you hear the joke about dj vu?
Why shouldn't you look at the turkey dressing?
It will make him blush.
What did Zorro wear as a toddler?
A one-Z
My wife and I were desperately trying to figure out dinner when she sighed, Its impossible to make ends meet in this economy. Groceries cost a fortune, and we can barely keep food in the house anymore. I dug around the freezer and found nothing but an old bag of herbs from our garden.
As she started to tear up, I put my hand on her shoulder, held out the bag, and said, Babe these are hard thymes.
This morning I woke up and I stopped believing. Journey is gonna be pissed.
{chinchilla}
Doctor doctor
What happened when the doctor accidentally cut the baby with a scalpel?
The baby went to the NICU.