I was feeling a little playful yesterday...and said to my wife "Look. I havent worn this in 8 years and it still fits."
She said: "For Gods sake man, its a scarf!"
I stepped off the plane after my flightI looked up at the sky and asked my phone surely its not going to rain??
My phone responded. Yes it is and dont call me Shirley. !
Thats when I realized my phone was still on airplane mode !!
Courtesy of Joe Bob Briggs
Police: I am looking for a man with one eye
Dad: if you use both eyes, you will find quicker.
Where can you find a horse with no legs?
Right where you left it.
When the Pharaoh farted, it was very strange.
It was a Toot Uncommon.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the door knocker?
He won the no-bell prize.
What does an escalator do when it stops working? Nothing, It just stairs.
How does the hamburger introduce his girlfriend?
Meet Patty
I couldn't sell a single copy of my autobiography.
it's the story of my life
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.
I once stayed up all night trying to figure out where the sun went
then it dawned on me
A bus station is where bus stops. A train station where a train stops.
At office, I have work station.
I was so confident I'd beat my friend at scrabble
I ended up eating my words
Whats worst than biting into an apple and finding a worm?
Biting into an apple and finding half a worm
Whats the opposite of a croissant?
A happy uncle
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.
The police are looking into it.
Why dont you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees?
Because theyre really good at it.
The Ehlers-Danlos Society should start a cell phone company to raise money.
It would be called Hyper Mobile.
Doctor: Were just waiting for your X-Ray
Blonde: But I never dated anyone named Ray
The term "t-shirt" actually stands for something. Tyranosaurus Shirt.
Ya'know, because of the short arms.
What did one Dorito farmer say to the other Dorito farmer?
Cool Ranch!
What time do you usually go to the dentist?
2:30
I shouldn't have went driving today; the roads were very slippery here in Canada.
The ice is the united states is still a lot worse though.
Where does a boat go when it's feeling sick?
To the Dock-tor.
The construction workers told me, they already built the foundation of my new home.
But when I went to the construction site I found no concrete evidence of it.