Very proud of my son for this one
After I commented on how big he's getting, he replied

'maybe it's because you've been taking me to the growcery store'

He's 8

I found out that the library is the tallest building in town
It has the most stories..

What do you call it when JK Rowling visits the ocean?
Surf 'n' TERF

What's so great about elevators?
They're uplifting.

"Dad, I can't find Mom in the house. Do you think she's on the roof?"
I consider that *highly* unlikely.

(Actual conversation with my 8-year-old this evening.)

Heather and Marie are old friends. They have both been married to their husbands for a long time.
Marie is upset because she thinks her husband doesn't find her attractive anymore.

"As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Marie cries.

"I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day, replies Heather.

"Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer!"

If Las Vegas is Sin City
What is Cos City and Tan City?

i met this pregnant woman at the library
she was on the floor crying, i asked what's wrong

she said: "i'm very overdue"

i replied: "oh don't worry, the fines aren't that hefty here"

Which animal has the largest chest?
A Z-bra

I was on a cruise in Egypt when I fell overboard. I couldnt believe it!
I was in the Nile!

Did you hear Alexander Graham Bell was in a play but gave a lousy performance?
He really phoned it in

Diarrhea is hereditary.
It runs in your jeans.

The Nurse's Dreaded Words:
After a prostate exam, the doctor leaves and a nurse enters with a worried look. She whispers the words no man wants to hear: "Who the hell was that guy?".

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
They lactose.

Ive been trying to come up with some good airplane jokes.
I cant get any of them to land correctly.

If you have no interest in lending out money.
You are not a loan.

What marine creature tastes like soap to some people?
Seal-lantro.

How do the CIA like their curries?
spycy

At first, it was cute when my daughter started dressing like a dolphin.
But now, her act is wearing fin.

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
...because they lactose.

How can you tell how old an Alaskan sailor is?
By his anchorage.

Why don't astronauts like gravity?
It brings them down.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo...
So I had to put my foot down

What is Benedict Arnolds favorite grocery store?
Traitor Joes.

Donating your body to science...
... it's a dead giveaway.