What do you call a zombie that writes music?
A decomposer.

If you go to a place and there's no white people
That place is cracka-lackin

I got fired from my job at the calendar factory
I didnt even do any thing, I just took a day off

I found money in my pasta sauce can but I ate it anyway......
......it was worth every penne.

I regret buying a second hand boomerang
It went back to the owner

Does anyone have trouble remembering maines abbreviation
or is it just me?

Brian Wilson walks into a bar.
"Round, round, get a round, I get a round."

I hope this joke gives you good vibrations.

Do you like my Halloween themed toothpaste?
It's called A Brush With Death

How can you tell the sex of ants?
Just toss them in water. Ones that sink are girl ants, and ones that float are buoyant.

Did you know you cannot run in a campground?
You can only ran, because its passed tents.

ever have sex while camping?
its fucking in tents!

What do you call someone who is late to work?

Mr. Bus

After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music?
Because he had a ton of sick beets.

I don't know if this is the right place to be sharing this but it wasn't easy for me growing up in that house. My mother worked for an insecticide making company and my dad was in the business of cleaning up hazardous waste.
It was such a toxic relationship.

Two guys are robbing a liquor store.
One of them asks he other "is this whiskey?"

The other one says : yeah, but it's not as wisky as wobbing a bank.

I found a store that sold nothing but single gloves and mittens.
It was a second-hand store.

An ornithologist friend of mine has published an album of his favorite bird songs that he's recorded.
He's calling it his Greatest Tits.

If Burger King and Dairy Queen Got Married and had a baby
Theyd name her Wendy

I've said it before and I'll say it again...
It.

A book fell and hit me on the head last night.
I've got nobody to blame but my shelf.

In Las Vegas, there are more Catholic churches than there are casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed. Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect all the offerings, then send all the chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting, and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This is done by the chip monks.

Every time I am hiking with my kids and we see animal droppings, we pick through the droppings with a stick to see what the animal may have eaten
I always say "I see a couple of seeds, but it looks like it mostly eats poop!"

Heard this first from Kevin Nealon,

A father in Iraq
gifted his daughter a new bag.

The daughter replied, 'Thanks for the Baghdad.'

I guess they made it
My kids and I went to dinner tonight at a local chinese place.

When we left, these 2 ladies followed behind and were bubbling with laughter. They told us this one guy sent back his sweet tea at least 4 times and they were dying of laughter because they watched the workers pour salt, not sugar into the tea.

My 6yo daughter said back to me, "I guess they made it salt tea."

We did it boys.

What Do You Call An Italian With Dreadlocks?
A Pasta