What do you call a Sith Lord thats from the South?
Darth Yall

What fairground ride is made of metal?
The ferrous wheel

What do you call a criminal landing an airplane?
Condescending.

Whats Medusas favorite cheese?
Gorgonzola

1.5M pounds of hot dogs, etc. are being recalled
To be frank, it's terrible.

"I'd like to buy a muffin with chocolate chips".
"Sorry, we only take cash".

What do you call a parrot that can't fly?
A walkie-talkie

What should you do if youre attacked by a group of clowns?
Go straight for the juggler

I bought some coconut shampoo today
But when I got home, I realized I don't even have a coconut.

My foot fell asleep this morning
Guess you could say I was coma-toes

I'm sitting on the couch, hiding from all forms of exercise. If anyone asks...
I'm in the Fitness Protection program.

There was a break-in at the local Apple Store...
...the police are looking for iWitnesses.

I asked my wife to stop shaking the orange juice before she pours it, but she keeps doing it.
Thats so damn agitating.

Why do French people eat snails?
Because they dont like fast food

What kind of haircut do bees get?
A buzz cut!

Where do single lions go for a Spanish vacation?
Catalonia

I told my wife. I thought she drew her eyebrows a little too high.
She looked surprised.

When he took the Throne, the Prince demanded that only Red and Blue be used for his Coronation
Historians would later call it the "Purple Reign"

My mum's sister started making her own spreadsheets
She's Excel Aunt

Who is Pac-Mans favorite music artist?
Waka Waka Waka Flocka Flame

Time flies
I was at a friend's house last night for dinner. She asked me for help in making the salad, which required thyme leaves. So at one point she asked me to strip some leaves off of the branches (look up how thyme grows, if this doesn't make sense). When we had enough, I put the thyme back into the baggie, said "Heads up!", threw the baggie of thyme towards her, and stated, "I'm having fun!"

Sadly, I had to explain it, but got sufficient groans after doing that. Success!

What do you call a squirrel that eats shapes?
A squarrel

What do you call a small green legume that rolls off your plate?
An escaPEA! (Im here all week. Please tip your server.)

I watched the new Transformers movie and Optimus seems to be weaker and slower than he used to be
I guess hes past his prime

Wrestling is stupid.
It's just guys without pants, fighting for a belt.