Did you hear about the guy who collapsed trying to climb Mount Everest?
Authorities just found Himalayan there.

Archaeologists say that all the houses in Pompeii had the same design flaw.
The flaw is lava.

Whats faster than an escalator?
An escasooner

Did you know there is one specific model of car you can legally drive in the bus lane, but only in reverse
Because if you are going backwards in a Subaru , U R A Bus

I told my daughter that I saw a deer on the way to work this morning. She asked me...
How do you know it was on its way to work?

During chemistry class, I learned that sulphuric acid should never be put into a metal container.
Its just an oxidant waiting to happen..

Did you know that Bigfoot often gets confused for Sasquatch,
yeti never complains.

What type of workouts did Jesus do?
Crossfit

What is brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr. Dre

Why should you never clean your teeth with the left hand?
Because a toothbrush is much more effective.

A truck carring chickens got into a crash and the police are investigating it.
They suspect it was fowl play.

My son told me trees poop. I said no they don't.
He replied, 'Then where do number 2 pencils come from?'

I never knew libraries were so strict.
one time I talked in one, they threw the book at me.

My wife said all I do is make stupid animal jokes
Shes free to see otter people

Dad jokes are the best, and heres why...
Why

What would you call a perfectly-shaped bush?
A utopiary.

I bought coconut shampoo today, but when I got home, I realized...
I don't even have a coconut...

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, theyd be baygulls.

In Egypt, they found a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts.
They think it's the Pharoah Rocher.

Bell.
Sure, Alexander Graham Bell was great,

but I'm more impressed by the work of his brother, Taco.

Why do people say quitters never win?
I quit smoking years ago and that was quite the victory.

What is the cleanest animal in the savanna?
The hygiena (credits to my 12yo son)

And the dirtiest animal? The unhygiena (credits to my 10yo daughter)

What do mermaids wash their fins with?
Tide

I lost my virginity when I was a teenager at a weight-loss camp. She was, by far, the largest of all the other campers there. At one point she looked down at me and said I was her first crush.
and she left quite an impression on me.

Why did the ram go off the cliff?
He didn't see the ewe turn.