I have always preferred the British spelling for "diarrhea".
"Diarrhoea" really looks like you've lost control of your vowels.
I am getting stronger with old age
I can now lift $100 of groceries with one hand
"I ran a half marathon"
"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon"
What is the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a tricycle.
Attire
Man: Theres no more spots left on the archery team
Me: maybe you can pull some strings?
I told my boss there was a hole in the women's bathroom door
He said, "I'm going to look into that right away!"
When women get to a certain age, they start collecting dogs and cats
It's called manypaws
In England it's called a lift, but in America it's called an elevator.
I guess people are just raised differently.
I asked my friend to tell a dad joke
He told me he was an orphan
Benign molesCaptain Hook, a pirate (ICYDK), went to a dermatologist to examine suspicious moles on his neck.
"They're benign", the doctor assured the Captain.
Argh, said Hook. Check again doc. I counted there be ten!
yeah
My wife said she spent all day making jelly. I asked her what the hardest part was. She leaned over and shouted the answer into my ear.
It was jarring.
What do you call a magic dog?
A Labracadabrador.
People are shocked when they realise......
.......that I'm not a qualified electrician.
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
I'm developing a game where you have to go back to assassinate Adam.
It's a first person shooter.
Did you hear the new name for iPhone chargers?
Apple juice.
Scientists have figured out there's a special part of the brain that helps us figure out what types of sandwiches we like.
It's called your sub-conscious...
A broken legI was a carpenter, working late on a jobsite once. The boss was letting me get some overtime - we had an inspection scheduled for the next morning. Somehow I slipped off the ladder and hit the floor twelve feet below.
I landed with my leg bent back, obviously broken. I lay between the lumber pile and the wall with no way to crawl out. The pain was excruciating. Cell phones were lawyers' toys back then.
The boss usually came in at 7:00 AM. Waiting until then? Endless. There was one other hope, a plumber named Donald who liked to come in early, right when it got light. Big Donald, we called him. He probably weighed three hundred pounds, a stereotypical plumber whose pants were usually so low you wondered how they stayed up.
Darkness dragged on. I tried not to count on Donald showing up. There was a chance, but if he didn't I'd be waiting another two hours. Relief! I heard Donald's truck pull in just as the darkness shifted to gray.
He walked past me. I tried to say his name but could hardly speak. I tried again, louder this time. He stopped, his back to me, and looked around. Once more, then he turned around and saw me.
Never before or since have I felt as relieved to see the crack of Don.
I asked my South American friend which way he wanted to go.
He said, "You go Uruguay, and I'll go mine."
This is the last straw.
No really, I need more.
How can you tell when a man is ready to be a dad?
If his girlfriend or wife says "I'm pregnant" and he says "Hi pregnant i'm dad"
I asked my dad what a "sale" is
He explained the concept and then I said: "Thank you so much. It's means a great deal to me"
Did you know that in some regions it's considered culturally inappropriate to tell Dad Jokes unless you have children of your own?
It's a faux Pa
The numbers 19 and 20 got into a fight.
21.
Daughter and I were getting cookies last nightShes concentrating really hard on picking the perfect pair of cookies for hers at the kiosk
me: Hey, I mustache you a question
her: (without looking) thats terrible, you dont even have a mustache.
me: I mustache you to look again
me: (holding a mustache sticker up to my face)
her: (cracks up, despite her best efforts) How long have you been hiding that sticker
me: Id rather not say, itll shave me some embarrassment
her: ... ok. that was actually pretty good