I just found a 95 year old painting in my attic.
I told him to leave immediately.

Whats the difference between Donald Duck and Donald Trump?
Ones just a duck. And the other ones a lame duck!

What do you call a two dollar chicken?
Buck Buck!

The other day I spotted an Albino Dalmation
It was the least I could do for it.

What's the difference between an Indian & African elephant?
For starters, one's an elephant...

I sent flowers to a friend who was opening a new office. They were delivered with a card saying, "Rest in Peace." Incensed, I called the florist to complain, and they replied, "It could be worse. Just think...
Today someone was buried beneath a floral arrangement with a card saying, "Congratulations on your new location."

If your child asks you to spell part backwards
Dont its a trap.

A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and crashes it.
At his trial, he's found guilty and sentenced to death. For his last meal, he asks for a single banana. The next day, he's strapped to the electric chair. They pull the switch but nothing happens. By law, he walks free. Within a week, he hijacks another train and crashes it. Again, he's sentenced t

death. Again, he asks for a banana.

Again, nothing happens. He's released.

The third time, they refuse his banana request.

"Oh no you don't, you son of a b we know your little banana trick!" They serve steak instead.

The next morning, they strap him in, flip the switch... nothing happens.

"Did you give him the banana?" the guard yells.

"No, sir!"

Turns out, the banana had nothing to do with it.

He was just a really bad conductor.

I take my cow for walks in the local vineyard.
I herd it through the grapevines.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
It's not difficult to roast beef

Some of my cows told me that another one of my cows was pregnant. When I asked her about it she asked me how I knew.
I told her I heard it through the bovine

What's a vampires favorite fruit?
Necktarine

Whats the difference between Walt Disney and Bing Crosby?
Bing sings.

Walt Disney

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle

We were taking a candlelit bubble bath when my wife said, No offense, but this feels awkward. I said, Well I guess I could tell dad jokes. She rolled her eyes and sighed, Ugh, fine.
I turned to my dad and said, OK, so two guys walk into a bar

I read instructions on how to build a staircase.
There's a lot of steps.

How does an Englishman invite a dinosaur over for dinner?
Tea, Rex?

Why does every lemur drive an EV?
Because they are mad at gas cars

I went to an Australian Zoo but couldnt see any tree-climbing marsupials
And thats when I discovered I was Koala-blind

The electrical engineering department in my college only has female teachers
Sir-quit

What college did the Highway Engineer go to?
Tulane

'My neighbor got a concussion the other day.
He doesn't live very far from me, only about a stone throw away.'

Sign in a sporting goods store.
Now is the winter of our discount tents.

At dinner, my date was telling me about her fascination with prophecy, clairvoyance, and other mystical things. I said, Believe it or not, I personally can read tea leaves. Her eyes lit up. Really?! You have to show me!
So I pulled a tiny scroll from my pocket, carefully unrolled it, and read aloud, Tea leaves.

We just agreed to foster two new puppies, and my wife named them Rolex and Omega
They're gonna be watch dogs.

(Of course, we'll have to check them for ... ticks.)