Fact: The worlds longest drum solo was 13 hours and 26 minutes.
It was performed by a 5 year old little bastard on the back of my seat while flying from London to Singapore.

What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, inserts neatly in a hole, and works best when jerked?
A Seatbelt

A man went to a fancy dress party with a woman on his back.
The confused host said to the man "What have you come as?"

The man: "A turtle".

The host (even more confused) pointed to the woman and asked "And who is she?"

The man: "Oh that's Michelle"

There's a new sport trending in Europe called 'quiet tennis.'
It's very similar to regular tennis but without the racket.

"Thank you for calling the urology department..."
"Can you please hold?"

A guy walks into a shoe store and says, Do you have any alligator shoes?
We sure do, replies the assistant. What size shoes does your alligator wear?

I entered ten puns into a pun competition:
I hoped at least one of them would win, but no pun in ten did.

I offered a helping hand at Target today. Got zero appreciation.
My wife and I were walking through Target when an employee in front of us dropped a mannequins arm. Since her hands were full holding the rest of the mannequin, she couldn't bend down to pick it up.
Naturally, I picked it up, held it out to her, and said, "Here, let me give you a hand."
She took it in total silence. My wife just stared at me.

My plan to get rid of the poison ivy in my yard ..
turned out to be a rash decision. I've only scratched the surface. I was just itching to tell you about it.

What do you call a man who is overly prepared?
Justin Case

What do you call a rock thats not a meteorite?
Meteowrong

I'm taking steps to avoid my fear of elevators.
I was afraid of speed bumps too, but I'm slowly getting over them.

My wooden car
I went to a car auction today and I bought a wooden car. Its really cool, everything is made of wood. It has a wooden body, wooden wheels and wooden tires, a wooden engine, wooden transmission and wooden seats. It even has a wooden key! But when I went to drive it home, it wooden start!

What do you call a Viking who lost his boat?
A Hiking.

What did the alien say when he arrived at the party carrying a red Solo cup?
Take me to your liter.

I left my job in tyre shop.
Just too much pressure.

I dont know why people want karma
I hear shes a bitch

There was a pasta who sabatoged a Broadway awards show
Rigatoni

Dog.
I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.

That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

I went fishing with my dad today, we chartered a boat. Half way in he has to use the restroom
He tells me

Son I have to use the restroom, can you hold my pole?

I tell him

Sorry dad you're gonna have to do that on your own.

Gotta say I was proud of that one, we had a good laugh, and had a damn good haul. Good day

What should we name our piglets?
Chris P. Bacon

Why do you never see the mother or father of someone transgender?
Because theyre transparent.

What are the shittiest kind of slacks?
X slacks.

Today I found a coin with bite marks all over it
I guess it was a bitcoin.

My 19yo daughter just dropped this on me: How can you tell if you're having dinner with a termite?
They order the house salad.