Why do vampires have low fertility rates?
Because they can't come inside unless invited.

A man walks into a bar. Hes got syphilis, typhoid, cholera, rickets, scurvy, bubonic plague, gout, shingles, pink eye, ringworm, mono, hepatitis A through C, whooping cough, measles, mumps, dengue fever, trench foot, strep throat, mumps, measles, Lyme disease, and hand-foot-and-mouth disease.
Bartender says, "What is this...some kind of sick joke?"

I got an email the other day telling me how to read maps backwards.
Turns out it was just spam.

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My dad told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals .......very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.

I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My dad taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now....

i wish i could go back to the time I had s*x with a rectangle..
best shape I'd ever been in.

What do you call a dog that lives in the basement?
A subwoofer

When greeting a police officer, I strongly recommend using your left hand.
A lawyer once told me never to wave my rights.

To each their own
Lady: do you drink beer?

Me: yes.

Lady: how many per day? Me: 3.

Lady: how much do you pay per beer?

Me: $5 each including tip.

Lady: how long have you been drinking?

Me: about 20 years.

Lady: 3 beers a day equates to $450 per month or $5,400 per year. In 20 years, that's $108,000.

Me: sounds correct.

Lady: did you know that if you put that money into a savings account, that after interest, you would have had enough money to buy a plane?

Me: do you drink beer?

Lady: no.

Me: where's your fucking plane?

Last night a famous conductor was attacked by a flautist, a clarinetist and a trombonist.
It was an orchestrated attack

Did you hear about the TV series on colonoscopies?
...it's a total shit show.

The older I get, the more I think about the hereafter
I go to the basement and say to myself "What am I here after?"

Question: Whats brown and sticky?
Answer: A stick

(I'm sorry; I'll show myself out now)

Two drunk guys were fighting. One of them drew a line in the dirt, and said if the other crossed it they would punch them in the face...
That was the punchline.

What do you get when you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi

I broke up with a girl once because she wouldnt stop counting.
I wonder what shes up to now.

What do you call an elephant that feels ill?
A sick-o-phant.

I had to give up my vegetarian diet.
Turns out theyre a lot harder to catch than cows.

Cows are easier to drive than bulls, but...
they're impossible to steer.

Did you hear about the scientist who successfully made an exact copy of himself?
Unfortunately it was very foul-mouthed and crude, and the scientist grew tired of it, and finally got rid of it by pushing it off a cliff.

He was later arrested for making an obscene clone fall.

Dad why do they call it USB?
Because USA was already taken

The phone rings and is answered by a man
The caller asks to speak to Mrs Smith The man replied "my wife has just gone into labor " The caller asks "Is this her first child?" The man says "No, it's her husband "

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
Dam!

When should I ask my German boss for my annual leave?
Any time after 9

What do you call a song about female pirates?
A she shanty!

My Buddy lost 50 lbs in just a couple of months
He told me that he substituted two meals a day with a handful of almonds, pecans and filberts.

I said, "that's just nuts!"