Did you know that New York and Minnesota are exact opposites of each other?
Because, New York is where the Big Apple is, and Minnesota is where Minneapolis.
If someone from Holland married a Filipino, what would their children be?
Hollapinos!
I finally had sex with herbs
My thyme has come
Did you hear about the cow that got arrested for milking herself?!?
She committed an illegal u-churn!
Sadly the inventor of the throat lozenge has died..
There will be no coffin at his funeral.
My son was complaining about being cold so I told him to go stand in the corner. He asked why, so I told him
Its 90 degrees.
My kid said Jim Morrison is overrated,
So I sent him to his room. Nobody slams The Doors in my house. . .
My Youngest Set Me Up With a Perfect OpeningMy youngest works at one of those places that sells bath soaps, scented oils and things like that. I manage a different store in the same mall.
They stopped in after a shift, and while they were talking to my managers and I, they asked do you like rose?
I responded actually, I prefer columns.
I completely short-circuited their entire brain for a moment.
Completely worth it.
On my first day as a police officer, I couldnt figure out how to put the car in reverse. It was so embarrassing!
I had to call for backup.
Why is the road afraid of the bike lane?
Because it's a cyclepath.
Why don't skeletons fight each other?
They don't have the guts.
A friend of mine told me that the word icy was the easiest word in the dictionary to spell
I was a bit skeptical at first, but after some thought, I see why
What do you call the place where Karl Marx is buried?
A communist plot.
I came home from my morning walk with a bloody arm
My wife, panicked, asked what happened. I explained that as I was walking through the neighborhood, a big dog got loose and attacked me. My wife said, My god, what if that had been a child? I got upset with her and snapped, I could have easily fought off a child, Susan!
A man was caught stealing viagra.
Police say hes facing hard time.
Why do horses live in the countryside and not in the city?
They don't like neigh-bours.
My wife was in bed sick for a few days. She kept asking if we had cold medicine and I said no
Because all our medicine is room temperature
New numbers
I read recently that 60 is the new 40, but the traffic police are having none of it.
My coworker told me the printer is jamming again
I told her it needs to stop listening to Grateful Dead and get back to work!
What do you call Wonder Woman in her jammies?
A pajamazon.
I saw a Korean martial artist holding out a basket of donuts. When I asked to take 2, he said no.
I replied can I at least Taekwondo?
What do you call a kinky pasta?
A fetishini.
What Do You Call a Roomba in Law Enforcement
RoboMop
Did you know that Killer Whales work together to catch prey?
They Orca-strate
Just happened recently.
Flatmate was in bed about to go to sleep and she texts me asking me to bring her wheatbag that she left in the microwave. I grab it, walk into her bedroom and ask her if she was the one that had ordered Uber-Wheats.