I told my friend it looked like shed been gardening topless recently. She said, Wow what gave it away?
I said, Its pretty obvious you got breast in plants.

Police Officer: "Why are you driving around with a book in your hands?"
Driver: "It's a long story..."

My Bluetooth speaker wasnt working, so I threw it into the lake.
Now its syncing

An atom walks into a bar
Bartender: hey atom, you dont look very happy today.

Atom: I lost an electron

Bartender: are you sure?

Atom: I am positive!

One vintage joke about a very old man
Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident. I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said, "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident. I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."

I asked a supermarket worker where they kept the tinned peaches.
He said, "I'll see," and walked away.

I asked another and he also said, "I'll see," and walked away.

In the end I gave up and found them myself, in Aisle C.

During dinner, I asked my date from a small town in Alabama if shed ever watched anime.
Her face lit up. Oh yeah! I used to babysit her all the time!

I thought it would lighten the mood to tell dad jokes at the funeral.
But apparently he cant hear me anymore.

I write a lot of my jokes on my iphone...
but it's always fucking up the lunch line.

What do you call a psychic who only sees good futures?
An optimystic.

My phone can identify a tree just by seeing the secretions from its bark.
I use What Sap.

My wife is furious with me. She realized I was cheating when she found the letter that I had hidden.
Were never playing Scrabble again.

My 12 year old son didn't want to tell me a joke about a German hot dog.
He said it was the wurst.

Proud tears of joy ran down my face.

What's inside a genie's turkey?
Wishbones.

When I was a kid, I figured being an orphan was great! No one to tell you to eat your veggies. Then I asked an actual orphan.
'Parently not.

Why did Jensen Huang cheat on his wife?
Hes a pretty SLI guy.

It is weird to see signs that say "In case of fire, don't use elevator".
Everyone knows water is better to put on fires than an elevator.

I saw a math teacher with graph paper.
I think she was plotting something.

What famous Viking invented the rake?
Leaf Erikson

doctors office
so i was at my doctors the other day and he asked me if i want a pamphlet and i said bro, sure.

I have two cousins who want to date me.
I guess that makes me relatively attractive.

I used to be afraid of hurdles.
But I got over it.

My half brother and I ..
My half brother and I are no longer allowed to play with the chainsaw.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is at a sushi restaurant staring at his plate. Frustrated, he waves over a waiter.
Waiter Is there something wrong with your order sir?
Arnold Its not a tuna!

Why didn't the turkey eat dessert?
He was already stuffed.