George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey get together to make a movie.
Clooney says, "I'll direct."

DiCaprio says, "I'll act."

McConaughey says, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."

To stop ants from coming into your home, leave a saucer of milk outside. The adult ants drink it and it has an effect on ant reproduction. The young ants are born without toes so they can't climb into your house walls.
The effect is called "lacked toes in toddler ants."

I identify as condescending.
My pronouns are there/there.

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, theres a long break in the ledge they cant cross. Something for this I have. Yoda says.
He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yodas hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yodas garden.

Something I have for this. Yoda says again.

Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole.

Yoda and Luke return to Yodas home, where Yoda looks through his bag.

Hes used all his forks but one, he discovers.

Thats ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. Ill write us a note reminding us to buy more.

So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board.

He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror.

Master Yoda! he asks. What did I do wrong?

Yoda replies sagely, A Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!

Those thugs stole my bible and I can't get it back. There are too many of them!
They've got Numbers.

Im reading a book about anti-gravity
I cant put it down.

I wont go to another funeral
Theyre not going to come to mine, so why should I go to theirs?

The phrases "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" usually mean the same thing...
...except when you're at a funeral.

There was a shooting at the White House Correspondence Dinner tonight...
Kash Patel went running in because he heard there were free shots.

An old guy walks into the bar and says to the bartender
I feel nostalgic. Give me a draft of your best vintage beer.

Ok Mack! Heres a PBR. The bartender draws a cold one and puts it in front of the old guy, who promptly drinks it down.

What do you think?

Wow! he says. Thats a blast from the Pabst!

A woman was arrested for laughing like a man.
She was charged with manslaughter.

Racecar backwards is still Racecar...
But racecar upside-down is expensive.

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords today
I had to ground him. Hes currently doing better, but he's still a bit shocked.

Shoutout to my grandparents.
Because that's the only way they can hear me.

I submitted 10 jokes for a competition. Out of all of them, I thought maybe one of them would qualify.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

So Proud. Granddaughter (14) first Dad Joke.
So proud. Granddaughter made her first proper Dad joke. I asked her to take the bins out and she said.........Why I'm not dating them?

When I get a headache I take two aspirin...
... and Keep away from children just like the bottle says.

Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was nice enough, but the RECEPTION was fantastic!

What has 10 letters and starts with GAS?
Automobile.

My father wrote dozens of books about yoghurt.
He truly is a man of culture.

The other day, a homeless man asked me for a dollar.
I told him that I only carry big bills. He asked me for one of those, so I gave him my electric bill.

How do you catch a squirrel?
Climb up a tree and act like a nut!

I thought we were gonna get clobbered when I realized every kid on the team I was coaching had mismatched leg lengths.
But we ended up running circles around everyone.

Sometimes I keep my crazy to myself.
Other times I share it online with you guys.