How does a bald man run his fingers through his hair?
He cuts holes in his pockets

Did you hear about the scientist who accidentally froze himself to -273.15C?
In the end, he was 0k

What happens when you cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy?
You have a rash of good luck (I was just itching to tell someone.)

I keep getting phone calls from the Military all the time.
Does anyone know who this Private Number is?

What's the opposite of an onion?
An offion.

What does a hot dog use for protection?
Condoments

Iran just created their own version of Sesame Street. Everything's the same, all the characters are the same, except the Count von Count has been replaced...
...with the Ayatollah Howmany.

Looking for help researching German U-boats
Oops, sorry, wrong sub.

I will be confronting the guy who unplugged my refrigerator
But I need to let things cool off first.

I hate when I cant read my own handwriting.
Luckily that only happens when I write myself instructions on how to turn on the lights.

I used to have an uncontrollable obsession with buying large boats.
Thankfully, the antibuyyachtics worked.

Im insecure about going to see a movie by myself.
Thats why I always take a bus.

After my neighbor spied on us for months with his telescope, I went to his house and stole his tripod.
It was about time to take a stand.

What do you call an Asian man with a amputated leg?
Lim-ping

What band got really popular after making music with window cleaning products?
The Squee Gees

Tequila may not fix your life.
But its worth a shot.

Did you hear about the man that circumcised elephants?
The pay wasn't great, but he always got big tips.

What would you call for an injured pig?
A hambulance.

Why did Mr. Information file for divorce?
Because so many people were spreading Ms. Information.

Did you hear about the dishonest accountant?
He was a debit to his profession.

I for one
like Roman numerals

What do French people call a really bad Thursday?
a trajeudi

I am ashamed that my son became an exterior painter.
His career is a stain on this house!

My garden gnome was upset when he didnt win Yard Decoration Of The Year. But
He wasnt even gnomenated.