How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Trump said he did it and they all clap in the dark
My wife says that I don't respect her privacy.
At least that's what it says in her diary.
I rushed to the hospital after hearing my mother had been admitted. I asked, What happenedis she okay?! The doctor explained she got stuck in a handstand during her yoga class and warned me, Everything is upside down to her for now.
I walked into her room and was like, Wow
Today, my son asked, Can I have a bookmark?
I burst into tears11 years old and he still doesnt know my name is Brian.
Did you know Canada has a fourth of July?
And a fifth of July, and a sixth of July, and...
When I was a kid, I wanted to be an astronaut. But my father crushed those dreams years ago.
He'd always say: "For you, son, the sky's the limit!"
Im rooting for the West African soccer team to beat Colombia
But Im afraid they Ghana lose.
Soccer joke
Q: Why doesnt Ronaldo ever have to clean his room?
A: Because hes not Messi
Sorry I couldnt answer your call while I was at the buffet
I just had a lot on my plate
As the contestants entered the Artist of the Year competition, each walked past a table filled with pencils and paints.They eagerly grabbed a pencil before settling at their easels, and sketched furiously until their final pieces were complete.
The judge slowly inspected the artworks, then threw up his hands and exclaimed
Im sorry to say, we have no winners. Everyone drew!
Look, if you're an Argentina fan, a win is a win
even if it was a little Messi.
How do they welcome new members at a nudist colony?
with a bear hug.
Im thinking about having my spine removed.
I just feel like its only holding me back.
This morning, I was shocked.
My coffee was filing out a police report. He claimed he was getting Mugged.
Everyone knows Albert Einstein..
But have you met his brother Frank!? He's a monster!
What do you call a twitchy cow?
Beef jerky
I bought a new wooden cutting board today
And its useless, the thick edges dont cut anything.
Cinderella got kicked off the soccer team.
Because she kept running away from the ball
What was the most popular dance in 1776?Indepen-dance!
Happy 4th of July Everybody!
My reverse vasectomy was way more painful than the original surgery.
There was a vas deferens between the two.
I'm going to a gender reveal party.
But apparently I still have to wear pants.
Cemetery ad: consider a plot that has the beauty, charm, and peacefulness of our citrus tree orchard.
It will be sublime
I want to die quietly in my sleep like my grandfather
Not screaming and crying like the passengers on his bus.
Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in your jeans!