I was going to make a joke about the balls of an elderly man...
...but that would just be low-hanging fruit.

How do you find out how many vampires there are?
You Count Draculas

My wife left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mom's"
I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.

I've been training my dog to fetch tools from my workbench.
He isn't perfect but he knows the drill.

My wife got our son an air freshener for his car that looks like a mini guitar
She said, "I don't know what it smells like."

I said, "Smells like teen spirit."

He said, "You're not funny."

An actual conversation this morning.

Someone ripped the 5th month out of my new planner
Im dismayed.

Why aren't scavengers allowed on planes?
carrion restrictions

In a foot race between Julius Ceasar and Joseph Stalin, who would win?
Stalin, because he was rushin'. Ceasar was just roamin' and also had twenty-three stab wounds.

What do you do if you come across an upside down female dolphin?
Flipper

I had a great conversation with a dolphin the other day
We just I dont know we just click

How does a dog give birth?
Litterally.

Did you know that 40% of your BRAIN is AI?
The other 60% is BR & N.

I named my new dog Tenkay.
Now I can tell everyone I walked 10K everyday.

I heard there was a new store called moderation.
They have everything in there!

A few weeks ago I started dating an entomologist. I told her, Every time I see you, you still give me butterflies.
She said, "I don't mind; My collection is huge."

What type of music is played over footage of No Kings Protests?
Royalty-free music

Today I installed a huge lamp on the top of my house.
Thats pretty much the highlight of my day.

Some guy helped me with my map that was too hard to understand
What a legend

What did the clock tower say when it finished counting an hour?
Done done done done

How do you make a nickname longer?
Turn it into a nicholasname.

In a Military Recruitment Office
Me: (eyeing the F/A-18 poster)

Recruiter: Do you really think you have what it takes to be a Harrier pilot, son?

Me: (running fingers through my beard) Oh, I think I can be the hairiest!

Coffee was recently voted the best beverage in the nation, but the election was rigged...
There were many Absent Tea ballots.

What song did Mr. Ed sing to Mr. Rogers?
Wont You Be My NEIGHbor?

Have you picked a date for our wedding?
Um, I assumed I'd be going with you..

Why did the dementor get fired from the shoe factory?
It kept stealing the soles