A city man was driving through the countryside when he saw a farmer with a massive herd of cattle.
Impressed, he pulled over and asked, "That's a fine herd you've got there. How much milk do they produce each year?"

The farmer asked, "Which ones? The black cows or the white cows?"

"Let's say the black ones," the man replied.

"They produce about 10,000 liters a year," said the farmer.

"And the white ones?" asked the visitor.

"They produce about 10,000 liters a year too," the farmer said.

Puzzled, the man asked, "Well, what about their feed? How much do they eat?"

"Which ones? The black ones or the white ones?" the farmer asked again.

"The black ones," said the man.

"They eat about 20 kilos of grass a day," the farmer answered.

"And the white ones?"

"The white ones eat about 20 kilos of grass a day too," the farmer said.

The man, now thoroughly confused, asked, "Why do you keep asking me 'which ones' if the answer is always the same?"

The farmer replied, "Because the black ones are mine".

"Ah," said the man. "And the white ones?"

"The white ones are mine too," the farmer answered.

What do you call a guy with no shins
Tony

I just finished a tough negotiation to buy a truckload of raw metals.
It was quite the ore deal.

Why don't spies fart in bed?
Because it would blow their cover

"And remember," said the boss, "There's no I in TEAM!"
"Yeah," muttered one of the peons, "And there's not much sign of U in it either."

Conversation on an airplane
Jack was sitting on a plane getting ready to depart to New Orleans when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale with shaking hands.

"What's the matter?" Jack asked.

"I've been transferred to New Orleans there's crazy people there, the guy replied. Theyve got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools and the highest
crime rate."

Jack replied, "I've lived in New Orleans all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own
business, enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed stopped shaking and said, Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

Me?" said Jack.
I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

Why did the stadium get hot after the game?
Because all the fans left.

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my word.

I just got a job in a factory making plastic Draculas
There are only two of us on the production line, so I have to make every second count

I told my son it was time for his nap.
He refused to go lie down, so with a heavy heart I had to report him to the police. He was resisting a rest.

RIP a good friend of mine
His wife sent him out to get some sewing thread, but he ended up in the pub all day.
Gone but not for cotton.

I got punched by a man clenching a roll of quarters.
Nothing personal. He was just beating some cents into me.

My conspiracy theorist uncle just moved into a ranch style house to get away from stairs.
He claims they're either up to something or down for anything.

I narrowly avoided an attack from my pants
It was a clothes encounter!

In which US state would they only speak Japanese in the morning?
Ohio-Gozaimasu!

I recently opened a new restaurant!
Well, it is a combination restaurant and tire shop.

It has not yet been Michelin rated, but Goodyear gave us 4 stars

8 bees can kill you but if you add 1 more bee you are safe.
Because its bee 9.

I tried opening a restaurant for indecisive people
The menu just says Whatever.

My wife told me to stop calling every small repair a project
So now theyre limited-time household events.

After the flood
After the flood, all of the animals from the ark went forth and multiplied, except for the snakes. Try as they might, the snakes couldn't have any babies. They finally came to Noah and Noah told them that he'd pray about it and get back to them the next day with an answer. Noah did just that, and the next day he came back to relay what God had told him. "Just build yourself a bed of logs and mate there." The snakes did as they were told, and the next thing you know, there were baby snakes slithering around all over the place. Noah went back to God to report to him that his instructions had worked perfectly. But he had to ask how this worked. God said, "Very simple. When you use logs, even adders can multiply."

What did the melon say when his lawn was looking dry?
"I guess it's time to water-ma-lawn..."

What do you call an angry triangle?
A pyramad

Someone broke into our house, ripped apart the Fruity Pebbles, and left
The police suspect a cereal killer

My kid walked in with his new Middle Eastern friend from next door and said, Dad, guess what? My new friend is WAY cooler than all the other kids on our street!
Kneeling down I said, Buddy, Im excited you two are getting along but you really shouldnt compare Yousef to others.