I dated a tennis player.
But it turned out, that love means nothing to them.

When the wife told me La Paz was a capital city...
... I said "I dont Bolivia!".

Three moles are in a tunnel.
The first says, "I smell sugar."

The second says, "I smell honey."

The third says, "I smell molasses."

A horse walked into a bar and the bartender looked up and said, "Hey!"
The horse said, "Neigh, my good man, I already ate. I'll just have a beer."

I called my daughter to ask how things were going in the big city. She said, Well, some weirdo on the subway demanded that I give him sodium chloride and a 9-volt. So I guess thats my first mugging. I said, No, sweetie
thats a salt and battery.

The members of Dire Straits bought a zoo, but insisted it couldn't be successful until they showed the staff how to give away all the primates.
Apparently they said "Now that ain't workin', that's the way you do it, monkeys for nothing and your chimps for free".

I just ran into Matt Damon at the thrift store, searching for a new pair of jeans
He was Goodwill hunting

What do you call two dinosaurs involved in a car accident?
T-wrecks!

Some people say it's wrong to tell jokes at the summit of Mount Everest.
But I think it's peak humor.

Dont know if this is a wind up but I just received a text saying Id won 250 cash or two tickets to an Elvis tribute night
It says Press 1 for the money or 2 for the show

You know why ghosts love taking elevators?
Cause it always lifts their spirits

Pets.
I have a pet tree.

Its a lot like having a pet dog but the bark is much quieter.

Why do pancakes always win at baseball?
Because they have the best batter.

How do cows walk?
They put two feet in front of the udders.

Happy Trucker Day!
Thats a 10/4, good buddy

The princess and the frog
The Princess and the frog

The morning after the night before the princess and frog had a conversation. The princess says:"Gosh that was a fun night. Wanna stay in touch. Can i hit you up on social media?"

The frog nods

The princess says:"Great. Facebook?"

The frog shakes his head

The princess says:" X?"

The frog shakes his head

The princess says:" Instagram?"

The frog shakes his head

The princess says a bit agitated:" Messenger? LinkedIn? Snapchat?"

Again, the frog shakes his head.

Now frustrated, the princess asks:"Then, what?"

The frog replies:"R-Reddit.."

A child is being sent to sleep as punishment a lot lately.
He's a bed boy.

What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
A Yamahahahahaha

I was nervous about going for my first visit to the proctologist for a prostate check
But the doctor reassured me, he said they're all done digitally.

What is a short person that enjoys good food called?
a Gastrognome

What do you say to testicles that are breaking the speed limit?
Nuts so fast!

What do you call it when scientists keeps discussing the event horizon of a black hole?
The center of attention.

One of the unicorns on Noah's ark introduced himself to the other unicorn, "Hi, I'm Bob. What's your name?"
"Steve."

The best dad jokes: the ones you get them to walk into.
When we would drive by a cemetery, my dad would say:

"Hey, this graveyard is very popular. Highly desirable."

"Really?"

"Oh yeah. People are dying to get in there. "

If someone is born inside a car, and die outside, can we call him
Carborn Dieoutside