A blonde woman was speeding in her little red sports car when a blonde police officer pulled her over.
The officer asked for the drivers license. The driver rummaged through her purse, growing more agitated.

What does it look like? she finally asked.

The officer replied, Its square and has your picture on it.

The driver found a small square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it over. Here it is, she said.

The officer looked at the mirror, handed it back, and said, OK, you can go. I didnt realize you were a cop.

If a king sleeps on a king sized bed, a queen on a queen sized bed, what kind does a prince sleep on?
An Heir mattress

I can always tell if someone is lying just by looking at them,
I can also tell if they are standing.

What book of the Bible is only 80% truth?
Ruth

I was stuck in traffic behind a car with the license plate: G4ND4LF.
No idea who it was, but he didn't let me pass.

Why didn't Robin Hood or his Merry Men need Viagra?
Because they all lived in the Sure Wood forest.

(And before anyone says "This isn't a dad joke! Would you tell this one to your kids?!?!" I would like to say that I sure would!)

NSFW-ish
If thousands of people play with themselves at the same time, is this called massturbation?

I poked my daughter's belly button, and she poked mine right back.
I think she should join the Navy, she seems to have a knack for navel combat.

If Toto, Tommy Lee, and Marvin Gaye formed a band, what would they be called?
Toto Lee Gaye.

My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape.
That would be a big step forward.

What do you call two zebras that are best friends?
Zebros

I applied for a job in Taiwan, but I was rejected.
They said I didn't have enough of a Type A personality.

I bought my wife a brand new iron for Valentines Day, but she got mad and refused to take it.
So I added it to my golf bag.

Passed my drug test at work today
My dealer has some explaining to do. . .

I like to imagine that the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the brella
But he hesitated.

My wife and kids are leaving me because they say Im obsessed with horse racing.
Im looking out the window at them now

And theyre off.

My daughter quit her job to become a drug dealer
Now I'm on the hook for 8 years of pharmacy school.

The sizzling duck at my local Chinese has gone downhill
Its not all its quacked up to be

SpongeBob isn't the main character of SpongeBob Squarepants.
Everyone knows that Patrick is the star.

Just found an old DVD of Jerry Maguire. Favourite part is when Renee Zellwager says "You had me at Ahoy"
I must have a pirated copy

My wife asked me why I left the grapes out in the sun after the BBQ on Sunday
I had my raisins

NASA is going to launch a rocket to say sorry to the aliens.
Its called Apollo G.

What do you call a Turkish prisoner in a fruit salad?
Con stand in apple

My friend told me that drinking beer would make him smarter...
But, I don't think anything would make my Budweiser

Overheard
We have a local ballet class. One of the girls has a preschooler brother who referred to his sister and her slightly rounder friends as 'Barrel-inas'