What is the difference between a Vietnamese restaurant and an Indian restaurant ?
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It's probably just as well McDonald's never put a sirloin sandwich on the menu.
It would have been a McSteak.

Why did someone name their dogs Timex and Rolex?
Because they were watchdogs.

Before the town's locksmith died, he made me promise to take care of his dog.
I only had the dog in my home for half an hour when he made a bolt for the door.

I have a fear of driving under bridges with passengers in my car.
I have carpool tunnel syndrome.

Im reading a horror book in braille
Something bad is gonna happen, I can feel it

Where in a hospital would u find decaffeinated coffee?
In decaffeteria.

How much smaller is the EU after Brexit?
1 GB.

What do you call a spy whos into BDSM?
James Bondage.

I used to have an uncontrollable obsession with buying large boats.
Thankfully, the antibuyyachtics worked.

What type of pasta are you not allowed to put on the table?
Elbows.

There have been so many reports of screen problems that Apple is going back to the drawing board and redesigning the hinge. The newer version of this will be called...
the iPhone Duo-ver.

A sheik is trying to buy up every fish and chip shop in the UK
He's called Sultan Vinegar.

Had a neck brace fitted years ago
Havent looked back since

The country with the largest number of parks in the world is Korea.
As a matter of fact, I'm good friends with five of them.

What country do the best goalies come from?
Mongolia!

What does a robot do after sex?
Nuts and bolts

If prisoners could take their own mug shots
Would they be called cellfies?

The clocks go back?
Yesterday the wife said "Don't forget the clocks need to go back tonight." Talk about no warning, I don't even know where the receipts are!

Happy Pythagorean Theorem Day
If you get my angle, it just seems so right for those followers of three sided shapes.

This joke has a best before date of 10^2 + 24^2 = 26^2

My sister met her husband at a Scrabble tournament 20 years ago.
Next week they are going to renew their vowels...

Monster movie in which the gill man learns to stir fry.
The Creature Woks Among Us

Due to the rental rental car companys negligence a man was thrown through the windshield. As he hit the pavement he was heard to yell:
Damn that Hertz!

People who sell meat are gross
People who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer

We had a heated argument on which US city to go to
but we finally Seattled