I told my date over dinner that I worked on oil rigs. She said, Oh wow, whats that like?
"It's mostly boring."

What three letter word starts with gas?
Car

There was once a fisherman.
He caught a mermaid once in his net and decided to let her go. When the mermaid went back in the water, she said, "You are a good person, so I will give you an option: you can either choose great wealth or high intelligence." He chose intelligence, and the mermaid granted his wish, but the guy suddenly started to cry. Then the mermaid asked what happened. The guy replied, "You said I could choose wealth or intelligence." The mermaid replied, "Yes" and I choose intelligence, and the mermaid replied, "Yes." But only after being granted intelligence did I realise that I should have chosen wealth.

I got mugged by 6 dwarves last night.
Not happy

As an inexperienced mountain climber, I will say Sherpas are a waste of time
and I will die on this hill

The contractor cant guarantee hell remove ALL of the toxic chemicals from your house
But hell try asbestos he can

My kid came home from school in tears. I asked, What happened, bud? The English teacher sent me to the principals office for being disrespectful! In front of the whole class she asked if I would like to demonstrate a polite decline.
I looked her right in the eye and said no thanks.

I farted in my wallet.
Now I have gas money.

I ordered giant duck at a fancy restaurant the other day...
The bill was huge!

During my career as a hairdresser, I once worked from 8am to 10pm without a break.
I collapsed from shear exhaustion.

What did one plant say to another?
I am rooting for you

Did you know that hoovers are 78 percent more likely to give you dust cancer!?
This is why Im proud to be Anti Vacs.

I just ordered a whole roast duck at a Chinese restaurant.
I was shocked when I saw the bill.

Remember, Guitars have been picked on ALL their lives and they STILL make BEAUTIFUL music.
Don't fret the small stuff.

I tried donating blood once. Just once, never again!
Too many stupid questions:
Where'd you get it? Whose blood is it? Why is it in a bucket?

What is the best present you can give to someone?
A broken drum. No one can beat that.

That's a nice looking ahh car.
Sorry I got hit by a car while typing this.

Why did the high school girl take a dummy to homecoming?
She really wanted a mannequin dance.

What do you say to a Mexican carpet fitter that isnt working fast enough?
Underlay! Underlay!

A ghost tried to scam me
But I saw through it.

Where did the duck go when he hurt his back?
The chiro-quacktor

My wife says I'm not doing enough house chores.
She said "if you could at least reduce the cheese block in small pieces, that'd be grate."

Customers are very excited about the new entre at the Cannibal restaurant.
They say it's the best thing since sliced Brad.

What do pi and novocaine have in common?
They're both transient dental numbers.

When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When the punchline is ...apparent.