My penis was in the Guinness book of world records...
Then the librarian told me to take it out

A couple goes to a steakhouse for dinner.
Server: How would you like your ribeye cooked?

Husband: Like winning an argument with my wife.

Server: Rare it is.

A Mexican magician tells his audience that for his final trick of the evening he will completely vanish on the count of three...
He then goes "Uno!" "Dos!" ...and suddenly *POOF!*

He disappeared without a Tres.

A man asked a widow if he could say a word at her husbands funeral. She said "Certainly."
He stood up and said "Plethora"

and the woman said "Thanks, that means a lot."

There will be one more Matrix movie where an older Neo finally takes the blue pill.
Its called Matrix Res-erections.

what was the dentist's favorite class in college?
flossophy

The doctor gave me one year to live
so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

Whats a billion bees called?
A buzzillion.

The Mortal Kombat theme is actually a song from a church in Finland
It's a FINNISH HYMN!!!

Why does the married bomb disposal guy not enter a brothel?
Because it is a booby trap.

What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don't mind him. He is just a product of our times.

Big hammers are all the same.
If you've seen one, you've seen a maul

You want to hear what my dog told me?
He said, No one is going to believe you.

Why doesnt Ronaldo ever have to clean his room?
Because hes not Messi

Bruce took a stuffed dog to the Antiques Roadshow.
The presenter said, "This is very rare item by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists from London from the turn of the 19th century. Do you have any idea what it would fetch if it was in good condition?"

Bruce said, "Sticks."

Why is it that if you donate a kidney people love you
But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.

Be thankful its not snowing.
Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.

Whats worse than ants in your pants ?
Uncles in your pants

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm.
He says, A beer for me, and one for the road.

A three legged dog went into a bar
Bartender: What can I get you?

Dog: I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!

Dentist: This will hurt a little.
Patient: OK.

Dentist: Im having an affair with your wife.

I'm not a huge fan of clowns
Not because I am afraid of them, but it appears there may be some funny business taking place

Bears.
Paddington Bear and Winnie the Pooh are going on vacation

Of course, they only packed the bear essentials.

Whats the top religious website for people with lisps?
Faithbook

My wife and I have been arguing a lot since buying that Penny Farthing.
We just cant seem to get on.