President Lincolns steakhouse was a huge success until he declared seasoning unconstitutional.
Customers were stunned to learn hed abolished savory.

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords
I grounded him until he can conduct himself properly.

Why was the drugdealer jealous of the prostitute?
Because she can wash her crack and sell it again!

Wife worries about husband's safety and calls him and says
"Be careful driving home, some complete moron is driving down the wrong side of the motorway."

The husband replies, "There's not just one, there's bloody hundreds of them!"

I saw three Spanish ghosts floating through the hallway.
It gave me the creeps, but I think they were just tres-passing.

I like my sex life like I like my coffee.
Sometimes hot, sometimes cold and usually Im the only one handling it...

A man with a calculator, a protractor, and a compass was arrested
for carrying weapons of math instruction

How do you make antifreeze?
You take away her blanket.

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer Smoking or Non-smoking.
Apparently the correct terms are Cremation and Burial.

I had surgery scheduled to remove a cyst, but I decided to cancel it.
Its kinda growing on me.

What did the confused party goer say when he got to the start of the line for root beer?
"Oh, I thought this was the punch line."

My new years resolution is to give up eating so many deli meats
It's difficult to give up cold turkey

I asked my dad for sex advice.
He said, Son lower your expectations.

Whats a pirates favorite letter?
Ahh you thought it was R! But it is the C..

I'd like to say to the old man, who was wearing camouflage and using crutches, who stole my wallet earlier...
You can hide, but you can't run!

Stop throwing sodium chloride at me
Thats a salt..

What did death say to the calendar?
Your days are numbered.

My GF accused me of being very immature for my age.
That upset me so she's no longer being invited into my tree house.

What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.

How do you know when the moon is broke?
It's down to its last quarter

Why did the car crusher operator at the junkyard quit his job?
The work was too depressing.

My keyboard broke.
I've lost control, there is no escape, and I just want some space.

I want to be part of the change!
Said the british queen, as they put her face on the penny

Why did Sony lose the Karaoke contest?
Because Samsung.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood drive.What are your blood types? the nurse asks.
The rabbit replies, I think Im a type O."