I should never have exposed myself in the elevator.
It was wrong on so many levels.

What kind of doctor was Dr Pepper?

He was a Fizzician.

Doctor: Do you want the good news or the bad news? Me: Good news.
Doctor: Youll be able to park wherever you want.

Why wasnt the devil afraid of balding?
Because there will be hell toupee

I got my mom a massive jar of Jelly Belly's for Mother's Day. It was going to be a surprise.
But someone spilled the beans.

A bloke down the pub told me his mate Jack was the inventor of hot tubs.
I said Jack, whos he

A limbo champion walked into a bar
He lost

I asked my wife is she wanted to go out to dinner tomorrow and she said yes.
I'm pretty excited to have the apartment to myself for the evening

I tried to learn the alphabet on a cruise and it went horribly wrong.
I'm lost at C.

I heard Celine Dion will be removing all the consonants from her name.
It's a gesture in support of declining farmland in her native Quebec, Canada.

[Wait for it.]

Mother's Day has the lowest crime rate of any other day of the year
I think this shows just how many moms are out there committing crimes that can't that day

why does no one know this joke??? did you fall in
im 21f and i say this for EVERYTHING. I know the joke originated from someone taking too long in the bathroom but I evolved it to when someone took too long coming from anywhere, but literally NO ONE knows what im talking about even when I go back and explain the toilet part of it they still never heard of it. If you know what this is give me your age range this could be bc i have older siblings but i really thought it was a commonly used joke!

I bought a ceiling fan the other day.
Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying, Wow, ceiling.

I admit it, I have a small butt.
It's a real assette.

Someone hit me with a tuning fork
It really hertz

What do you call a naked, 410 mother?
A bare minimum

What do you call a magician who has lost his magic?
Ian

I lost 150 pounds in 30 seconds
It's not weight loss, I got pick-pocketed in england

Back in my day, you used to be able to get air for free at the gas station, but now it's $1.
That's inflation for you.

How much milk can kittens drink?
A litter

What is a trouts favorite toy brand?
Fisherprice.

A man with a stutter died in prison.
Before he could even finish his sentence

I tried to make a cheesy joke about Parmesan..
But it was too hard

What is a pirates favorite fast food?
Arrrrrrrbys

I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia.
She whispered, Theyre right behind you