What did the bra say to the hat?
"You go on ahead, and I will give these two a lift."
Listen up: I want to become the Invisible Man, but I will NOT use my powers to spy on people
I just want to make myself perfectly clear.
My wife and I were arguing over the term for a medieval soldier.
It was getting late though so we called it a knight.
Did you know?
Adam and Eve were the first humans to ever skip the Apple terms and conditions.
I got kicked out of the nativity play because I kept singing Nickelback
I guess I never made it as a wise man
Who tells God if you break one of the Ten Commandments?
The Narc of the Covenant
At the grocery store, I showed my wife the fried chicken I grabbed for dinner. She said, Great, can you get a side?
I said, Sure! and moved slightly to the left.
If Wonder Woman married Howard Hughes, divorced him and then married Henry Kissinger,
If Wonder Woman married Howard Hughes, divorced him and then married Henry Kissinger, she would be Wonder Hughes Kissinger now.
What is the most important piece of wisdom from the Kama Sutra?
No one comes from nothing.
Looking for office helpA local business owner was looking for office help.
The owner put a sign in the window that read: Help wanted. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer, and must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer.
A short time later, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign, and went inside.
After going inside, the dog looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then he walked over to the sign, looked at it, and whined. The receptionist got the idea and told the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so the manager led the dog into his office.
Inside, the dog jumped up onto a chair and started patiently staring at the manager. The manager said, I cant hire you. The sign says that you have to be able to type. The dog jumped down, walked over to a computer and typed out a perfect letter and then signed his name. The manager was stunned but then told the dog, I still cant hire you. The sign says that you have to be good with computers too. The dog then went over to the computer and typed up a program that ran perfectly on the first test.
By now, the manager was totally dumbfounded and said to the dog, I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and you have some interesting skills. However, I still cant give you the job.
The dog jumped down and walked over to the sign and put his paw on the part where it said equal opportunity employer.
The manager said, Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual.
The dog calmly looked up at the manager and said, Meow.
How do you spot a blind person at a nude beach?
It's not hard
What do you call a man who is about to propose?
Neal
My wife has been putting glue all over my rifle collection.
She denied it but Im sticking to my guns.
Me: Whoever wrote The Odyssey really knocked it out of the park!Them: Homer.
Me: Exactly!
Why did the onion and garlic break up?
They found out they were aromatics
Bad dad jokes for my fathers funeralMy father passed away earlier this week and I am in charge of creating a memorial card. He was a huge jokester so I would like to include a bad joke on the back of the card. Unfortunately between planning the funeral and his death, my brain cant come up with any jokes he has said like ever. He loved a bad or inappropriate joke. It will be mostly family and a few of his friends there, everyone loved his awful humour.
The best one I have come up with so far has been Cremator? I hardly know her! (He is being cremated). I fear it might be slightly distasteful or go over a few peoples heads, a was only 55 so a majority of his siblings are older, as well as his mother. I think most of his siblings would get it maybe. Not sure.
Please give me your best suggestions!
Dont joke about old people's ballsacks..
Its low hanging fruit, dude
Whats The Most LGBTQ+ Product At Home Depot?
The lumber, cause it sure as hell aint straight.
What does a car's fuel tank wear when it's cold outside?
A gas cap.
What kind of roads do stunt cyclists look for?
Wheelie good ones.
A rock band is travelling through space. When they need to rest, they
Park at the moon
What do you get when a colonoscopy goes horribly wrong?
A semicolon.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to get my glasses fixed?
everyone!
Sadly, the funeral for the CEO of Tupperware has been delayed.
The funeral home is still trying to find a lid that fits the coffin. The director is sure that the lid is around 'here' somewhere.
what did sodium say when bromine asked him to hang out?
Na Bro