I said to my son, "I need a battery so I can tell the time." He asked, "Is it for a clock?" I answered...
"I don't know! That's why I need the battery!"

Confucius says
Man who walks sideways through a turnstile in Thailand going to Bangkok.

I have a couple of dad jokes for you. (Set up)
A- Why did the chicken cross the road?

B- idk why?

A- To get to the idiots house.

Let it sit. they are confused.

A- Knock knock.

B- Who's there?

A- The chicken.

What gets longer when pulled, works best when jerked and inserts into a slot?
A seatbelt.

If a letter is mail, what's a bill?
Fee mail

What do you call a sad strawberry?
A blueberry

What kind of music does a chiropractor listen to?
Hip-Pop

You know why janitors make the best criminals?
Cause they always make a clean getaway.

Did you hear about the couple who split up after the race?
At least they had a good run.

My wife caught me riding a dolphin. I said it was accidental
but she swears it was on porpoise.

My wife said, "I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with Tennis.
I replied, "That's 15 love."

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.
And then I saw her face

I used to be a phone for Saudi Royalty
I got charged with a sultan battery

What do you call a fast food joint on a wooden ship?
Fleetwood Mac

I studied dad jokes in college
I majored in sighcology

I'm starting a vibrator repair service.
I'm calling it "Inspect Her Gadget."

Why didn't Noah fish when he was on the Ark?
Because he only had two worms

Why did the roof go to the doctor?
It has shingles

Why did the king go to the dentist
To work on his crown

What rock group has four guys that dont sing?
Mount Rushmore. . .

What happens to computers when they turn 13?
They go through pu-QWERTY.

What cheeses sound like the wind?
Bries.

In elementary school, I had a teacher with a very unusual figure.
She was Miss Shaypin.

An old hillbilly woke up after dying- back in Appalachia
Re-intarnation!

People said Id never get over my obsession with Phil Collins.
But take a look at me now.