If you lose your khakis in Ohio, it means you can't find your pants.
But if you lose your khakis in Boston, it means you can't start your car.

My dad used to tell me that you cant save anyone; they have to save themselves
Great man. Terrible lifeguard.

I asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anesthesia.
He said, "Sure, knock yourself out."

My wife went to the spa today and got a bikini wax
She told me it made her feel like a million bucks.

I said she looked like a Brazilian.

(I had to explain this joke to my wife ...and she is Brazilian)

Next time you get a call from an unknown number, answer it by whispering...:
"It's done, but there's blood everywhere."

I got fired from my job the other day because I kept asking the customers whether they prefer "Smoking" or "Non-smoking."
Apparently, the correct terms were "Cremation" or "Burial."

Mother superior
As she passed the young novices, Mother Superior said,

"Good morning, ladies," and the novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior. May God be with you."

But once they were past, she heard one novice say to another, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

Mother Superior was surprised but decided not to pursue it.

Soon she passed two sisters who had taught there for years.

They exchanged pleasantries, but again she heard them whisper, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

She wondered if she had been harsh with them and vowed to be more pleasant.

Down the hall came retired Sister Mary. They exchanged greetings but Sister Mary added right to her face,

Looks like you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

Mother Superior was floored. Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? Three times this morning someone has said that about me."

Sister Mary looked Mother Superior in the eye,

Oh dear, dont take it personally. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers.

Science has proven that women who put on a few pounds live longer
Science has proven that women who put on a few pounds live longer than the men who point it out.

I got the latest Porsche 911 turbo s for my wife today...
I think it was a fair trade!

What do you call a group of men waiting to get a haircut ???
A barbercue !!!

I pissed off my wife on our last road trip and she lost it on me during our drive :(
I had no choice, I steered into the break-down lane

What do you call a prehistoric cat with a Bluetooth headset?
A cyber-tooth tiger

I dropped my kid off at karate class and there was a deer serving coffee!
It was a joe doe at the dojo.

Why do all of the vegetables like to hang around with the mushroom?
Because hes a fun-guy

Whats blue and not very heavy?
Light blue

What do you call birds that stick together?
Velcros!

I keep asking the contractor when he's gonna build my indoor track....
but all I get is the run around.

My father always said that when one door closes another opens.
Great man, horrible cabinetmaker.

The doctor asked me on scale of 1-10, what my arthritic pain level was. I told him Pi.
He asked, "Pi?"

I said, "yes, my pain is a little greater than a 3, and it's continously shifting slightly, but never ending."

[True story, the doctor laughed.]

Was happy with my timing
Two weekends ago I was driving my family and dogs to a park for a walk and was following a pickup truck towing a decent-sized enclosed livestock trailer. He out accelerated me twice after two red lights and I said "this guy is just wasting gas" and then we stopped at a third red light and he really ripped out of there.

Then my dad senses hit me and I said "shit, well then I guess that trailer must have just been full of donkeys"....and they didn't say anything for a second, and then said "um....why?"

And I said "Because they're really hauling ass!!".

I know it isn't original, but the timing and their genuine pause and confusion because they didn't get it at first was just perfect for me as a silly dad.

What do you call a woman that lights all her bills on fire?
Bernadette

I'm reading a book on anti-gravity.
It's impossible to put it down.

My son asked if he could study common golf course rodents.
I told him, "Gopher it!"

Working out is like a drug to me
I dont do drugs

I have two pets: a dog and a cat.
My dog loves to show me affection, and my cat loves to show me that I don't deserve it.