What do you call a man in the water with no arms and no legs?
Bob.

It's ridiculous that men wear jackets to formal occasions while women can go sleeveless
I thought the constitution gave men the right to bare arms.

I was doing well while taking and engineering exam until I reached a question about tensile strength about a bridge. The multiple choice answers did not match my answer and I wrote on the answer sheet that I could not calculate because the span of the bridge was not included.
After the test, I told the professor that I did not see the span in the description of the question and I needed that to get the right answer.

He responded, "Noooooo one expects the span is in the question!"

My brother just quit his job as lawyer to become a dog breeder...
He prefers boxers over briefs.

What generation was Forrest Gump?
Gen-A

My wife asked me if I had any Q tips.
I told her I usually make the O first then put the line on it diagonally

Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
Think about it when is the last time you ate a monkey

Dad jokes can be NSFW. And i'm gonna say why.
Why

What is it called when you forget to put the pizza sauce on a pizza ?
A Marin-error.

Old McDonald had a calculator
01313

Im singing because I got a great deal on 8 loaves of Afghan flatbread and 2 bales of fall seasonal decore
Naan, naan, naan, naan naan, naan, naan, naan hay, hay good buy!

Did you know if you go to bed in full armor
Its the best way to get a full knights sleep

Why did the orange stop in the middle of the road?
It ran out of juice.

You have 2 wolves inside you
Mozart had 7 or 8 wolves inside him. That's why they called him Wolfgang.

I went to my professors funeral, stood next to the casket and said:
"So, who's thinking outside of the box now, Professor Miller?"

My son came up to me at the beach, upset. He said his sister was teasing him because she had five buckets and he only had two.
I knelt down and said, The amount she brought doesnt matter, son. Its pails in comparison.

I really wanted a new pullover sweater for my birthday
But all I got was a card again.

Why do bugs have odd religious beliefs?
They are in-sects.

My son asked for help with his geometry homework.
I told him I'd only work with him on triangles and rectangles.

Circles are pointless.

Instead of putting their hand on the Bible, French politicians hold an egg when theyre sworn in.
Its their oeuf of office.

Why did the baby strawberry cry?
Because its mother was in a jam

Why was the roof installation free?
Because it was on the house

Why do muslims play sonic during ramadan?
Because they gotta go fast

Why do horses have low divorce rates?
Stable relationships.

A photographer was crushed today when a massive block of cheddar fell on him.
To be fair, the people he was photographing tried to warn him.