My friend has been engaged over 5 times but never married.
That's a lot of near Mrs.
Whats the difference between a lemur and Elon Musk?Elon made an electric car.
The lemur Madeagascar.
A blonde city girl named Amy married a Colorado rancher.One morning. on his way out to check on the fields, her husband said, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows, so I drove a nail into the 2x4 just above the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"
After awhile, the artificial insemination guy arrived and knocked on the front door.
Im here to inseminate the cow, he said.
Amy took him down to the barn. They walked along the row of cows and when Amy saw the nail she told him, This is the one right here."
The man, assuming he was dealing with an airhead blonde, asked, "Tell me because I'm dying to know how would YOU know this is the right cow to be bred?
"That's easy," Amy answered. By the nail that's over the stall.
Laughing rudely, the man said, And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"
Amy turned to walk away and said sweetly over her shoulder, I guess its to hang your pants on, she replied.
Slam dunk, blondie!
What is the deadliest martial arts strike from a pig?
The pork chop.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
This pastor decided to skip church one Sunday morning and go play golf.He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.
He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.
An angel looked at God and said "What'd you do that for?" God smiled and said "Who's he going to tell?"
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I cant read the list, and were out of ketchup.
Wife yells from upstairs: "Hey do you ever get a really sharp pain in your heart area, almost like someone is using a voodoo doll against you?"Husband: "no"
Wife: "How about now?"
Why cant muggers catch Catholics during Lent?
They fast.
Whats a fleas favorite book?
The Itch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy
What does a robot do after sex?
He nuts and bolts
Did you know that despite the name, there are no canaries on Canary Island? It's the same with the Virgin Islands.
No canaries there either.
Why don't you see elephants hiding in trees?
They are very good at it
Whats the most common name for a librarian?
Paige.
I dont know any good lithium jokes.
Actually, I do. That was a Li.
I was going to make a curling joke.
But I didnt have the stones to do it.
The CEO of IKEA was just elected Prime Minister of Sweden
He should have his cabinet ready in the next hour.
A word of dating advice: If he doesnt appreciate your fruit jokes,
You need to let that mango!
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his fly.The bartender says "Excuse me sir but I can't help but notice there's a steering wheel sticking out of your fly."
The pirate replies "Arrrrr... and it be drivin me nuts."
Where did Luke get his cybernetic hand?
The second hand store.
What kind of wine do they serve at the horse races?
Chardon-neigh!
What do lumberjacks like doing on the internet?
Logging on and logging off.
Why did the database administrator divorce his wife?
She had one-to-many relationships.
My daughter pointed out an owl in the hole of a limb in a large tree.
I told her the owl isnt usually there. Its just his branch orifice.
I opened up a shop that sells erectile dysfunction pills.
I called it "No Hard Feelings"