Teacher: Please give me a sentence using these three words: defence, defeat, and detail.
Student: "When a dog jumps over defence, defeat go first, then detail."

Seventy percent of the earths surface is covered in water and none of it is carbonated
Thats proof that the earth is flat.

I saw a NSFW ad not too long ago
What a cheeky commercial

People who write "burro" when they mean "burrow"...
... clearly don't know their ass from a hole in the ground.

I accidentally sprayed body spray in my mouth.
Now I speak with an Axe scent.

A man turned to his friend and said he was scared of doing a conga line..
The friend replied, "don't worry, I've got your back!"

(An original made up by my 7yo son)

Today is my sons 4th birthday. When he came out of his room this morning, I didnt recognize him at first
It was as if I had never seen him be four

Man: Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!
Judge: Repeat infractions?

Man: Fine. 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!

Why can't you give Elsa a balloon?
Because she'll let it go.

Hello all, selling used Parachutes...
Lifetime Warranty:

If it doesn't work, just bring it back, we'll exchange it.

A person asked me, "Are you the guy who always brags about weird stuff?"
I replied "No, I'm the guy who takes the longest baths in the county".

Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mother carries a photo of only one of them in her wallet.
I guess if youve seen Juan, youve seen Amal.

Australias biggest export is boomerangs.
It is also their biggest import.

A man goes to a dermatologist with a rare skin disease. The doctor says, "Try a milk bath".
So the guy goes to the grocery store and tells the dairy manager he needs enough milk to take a bath. The dairy guys ask "You want that pasteurized?" "Nah", the man replies "Up to my chin should do it."

What does the Human Torch order at a Jamaican steakhouse?
Filet mon!

Which fruit materializes spontaneously?
A pear.

What do you call a medieval knight with lactose intolerance?
Sir Flatulancelot

A priest, a preacher, and a rabbit walk into a bar.
The rabbit says, I think Im a typo.

Im reading a horror story in braille.
Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.

I met my wife in the glue factory where we both worked.
We bonded immediately.

Soccer.
I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks.

I can't believe how hot it is today
It's so hot that my garlic had to take its cloves off

My career as a stand-up comedian ended when I tried telling jokes about the unemployed
It was clear that none of them worked

I prefer the British spelling of "Diarrhea", because...
"Diarrhoea" looks like it's lost control of its vowels.

A man fell into a huge tank of manure, died and his body sank to the bottom.
His family decided to leave him there since he was already in turd.