I got kicked out from a vietnamese restaurant...
They banh mi pho life

I knew a guy who would go around stealing cooking utensils from professional chefs
He was a Whisktaker.

Wheres the worst place to hide in a hospital?
The I-C-U

Last night I was out for a run and noticed some fog trying to catch up to me
Luckily it mist.

I bought a dog from a blacksmith
As soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door

I called the local theater to ask what time Melania was playing.
They asked me what time i could get there.

What kind of rock will you never find in the Mississippi River?
A dry one.

(I was sharing jokes with my 3rd grade class and one girl told me that. It legitimately took me by surprise.)

I thought I heard someone say hello to me in Arabic,
Turns out it was a false Salaam.

The bus driver charged me extra today just for telling dad jokes.
I told him, "Thats not fare!"

ONE spelling mistake can ruin your entire marriage.
I accidentally messaged my wife "I'm having a great time. I wish you were her

Taylor Swift broke up with Travis Kelce and just came out with her breakup song.
The title is "Cute without U".

What do you call a book club thats been stuck on the same book for years?
Church

A friend of mine was recently injured while playing peekaboo...
He's in the ICU.

Sargent said fire at will!
But why? He didnt do anything to deserve that.

I've been working on a joke about Pythagoras...
But I just can't find the right angle.

I just saw five hippies in a Honda
They were all of one Accord.

I cant decide if its time to take the swing set down
I keep going back and forth on it

What do you call a man floating in the ocean?
Bob

Why are astronauts so humbled after they return from space?
Because they are down-to-earth.

Why did the bald man draw rabbits on his head?
Because from a distance they look like hares.

What does a grape say when it gets stepped on?
Nothing, it just makes a little wine.

There is a fundraiser to help Don Lemon cover his legal expenses.
It's called Lemon Aid

My wife wanted me to go to Comic-Con dressed as a flamingo
I told her no and then I finally put my foot down

Thought I could reach 3 sets of 5 deadlifts. But it got harder, as I progressed and I couldn't do it.
Guess I set myself up.

I had a pimple on my right butt cheek.
Popping it was a real pain in the ass