In other news...
...the sexual position formerly known as 69 will be replaced with 96.

Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up.

Whenever I get self-conscious in social situations, I reach into my pocket and rub a tiny rock.
Then I start feeling a little boulder.

Siri, why am I so bad at relationships with women?
This is Alexa.

My boss is threatening to fire the employee who has the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.

What do you call a guy who is even more laidback than Jeffery Lebowski?
Subdued

My girlfriend and I were setting up camp when we heard someone screaming Help! Help me! from deep in the woods. I immediately dropped what I was doing, wrapped myself in a giant warm pita, and while I slathered on tzatziki sauce, my girlfriend pleaded, Please, stop!
You dont always have to be a gyro.

My deaf girlfriend told me she feels sick
that's not a good sign

What did the Indian kid say after the substitute teacher tried to kick him out?
Na imma stay

Why aren't French fries actually cooked in France?
Because they are cooked in Greece

If youre planning to groom a hairy dog, make sure you set aside enough time.
It takes fur-ever!

My father always said, "When one door closes another one opens."
He was a terrific father and a terrible cabinet maker.

My wife says I dont listen
or something like that.

What does it sound like when a vampire sneezes?
Nosfer-AACHOO!

Teacher: "What do you mean, you ate your homework? Why would you do this?"
Student: "Because you said, it would be a piece of cake!"

What's the price difference between a beer nut and a deer nut?
A beer nut costs 4.99 and a deer nut is under a buck

During our team meeting at work, my boss asked me anything else from your end? I said
Not until tomorrow morning after coffee

What do werewolves say on October 31st?
"Happy Howl-oween"

My dog just swallowed some coins!

Very worried, I'm monitoring him closely, but there's still no change.

Where do hamsters come from?
Hamsterdam

My sisters grades are so bad, they should be illegal
Shes a Cs and Ds sist

Did you know?
Bob The Builder and Jack The Ripper have the same middle name.

Who was the most polite leader in world history?
Yessir Arafat

What is a werewolfs favorite Cub Scout event?
Pack meetings!

I just injured myself measuring radio frequencies
It still hertz