I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet?
I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they don't know either.

Theres a company that only tows Nissans
Theyre called Head and Shoulders - Nissan Tows

Did you hear about the farmers that want a government bailout?
They want money for nothing and their chickens for free.

Guess those farmers are in dire straits.

Ive just finished reading a book called how to clear leaves from your lawn
By Ray King

My daughter said she was starting to like my beard.
I knew she was lying when she told me it was growing on her.

Why did Winnie the Pooh burn himself taking pizza out of the oven?
Because he used his bear hands.

When my son's goldfish died, I offered to get him another one just like it.
He said, "Why would I want two dead goldfish?"

Once upon a time, there lived a king who was only 12 inches tall...
He was a terrible king, but he made a great ruler.

I once dated a crossed eyed girl but had to end it,
she was seeing someone else on the side.

Someone broke into my new limbo store and stole everything
My business is going under.

My wife and I still have chemistry.
Unfortunately, at our age, most of it involves antacids and prescription medications.

What does scooby doo say after praying?
Ramen

I hear Walter Cronkite was buried at sea.
He was a great anchor.

I once thought to have a Japanese friend.
But it was just an imagine Asian.

How much money would you need to buy Rio de Janeiro?
A Brazilian dollars.

My daughter wanted to go out without her glasses
I said no daughter of mine is going out looking like that!

My wife was a little peaved at me. She complained that she was wore out because she took care of the kids all day. She said when I got home from work instead of helping I just sat on my butt watching TV stinking up the front room with my farts.
I told her what what you do might be tiring, but what I do is exhausting.

What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and lobster with a boob job?
One is a crusty bus station, the others a busty crustacean

I walked into the kitchen and nobody said hi
But the micro waved.

The head of the british secret service was knighted by the king.
He is now Sir Veillence.

Paid $500 so my son could play High School Football
Terrible investment. All I got was a quarterback.

Norse mythology dad joke
I took my Norwegian friend to the Valhalla Inn.

He thought hed died and gone to heaven.

Why do pandas get confused after they eat?
Because they just got bamboozled!

- Boss, the factory workers have started a revolt!
- Realky? What have they done?

- They had been counting the plant's output figures this week. And today they calculated the average and median.

- Damn it! They have taken the means of production!

Someone broke into my home and stole my limbo pole
I mean, really? How low can you go?