Why did the transgender man only eat salad?
Because he was a her before.
My father was a cojoined twinwe used to refer to his brother as my uncle on my father's side.
they were surgically separated
now he's my uncle once removed
The head of the british secret service was knighted by the king.
He is now Sir Veillence.
For songs stuck in your noggin
Wife: Ugh, I have that song stuck in my head. Dad: There is a trick to getting rid of an earworm. Just recite out of sequence numbers. For example; 8 6 7 5 3 0 9.
The scientists at NASA were appalled at the new tax on sending felines into space
It was a CatAstroFee
So I was out to dinner last night with a blind date. I really enjoyed it!
She even suggested we should have dinner again, which is nice but I was really full so I declined. Bless her heart.
What happens when the smog lifts off Los Angeles?
UCLA
A blonde woman was speeding in her little red sports car when a blonde police officer pulled her over.The officer asked for the drivers license. The driver rummaged through her purse, growing more agitated.
What does it look like? she finally asked.
The officer replied, Its square and has your picture on it.
The driver found a small square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it over. Here it is, she said.
The officer looked at the mirror, handed it back, and said, OK, you can go. I didnt realize you were a cop.
What do you call a soldier having a wank during battle?
Tug of war.
For valentines day I am getting a coworker I like a dad joke.I have purchased a bag of abacus beads so I can give her the little things that count.
Wish me luck.
I gave away all of my dead batteries.
Free of charge.
Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in the water....
.....you can safely wear it on your head....because it's capsized
Why do Norwegians put barcodes on their ships?
So they can scan da navy in!
SpongeBob isnt the main character of SpongeBob Squarepants. Everybody knows
Patrick is the star.
Stop it with all the corny jokes!
Or otherwise I'm calling the crops.
My fianc sat me down, looked me straight in the eye and asked if I gave STDs to all of our friends and family. I said, Yes I did and some co-workers as well
but can we please just call them Save The Dates?
Why dont blind people skydive?
It scares the crap out of their dog.
What has 5 toes but isn't your foot?
My foot!
I made a graph of all my past relationships,
It has an ex-axis and a why- axis. . .
I have two knees
My fun knee and my kid knee
What do you call a German in a bad mood?
A sour Kraut.
On Valentines Day, my wife seductively patted the couch and said, How about you get comfortable and we wrap the night up with a happy ending? I said, Absolutely!
So I plopped down next to her and put on The Princess Bride.
I poked my daughter's belly button, and she poked mine right back.
I think she should join the Navy, she seems to have a knack for navel combat.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?Because it was dead.
Why did the second monkey fall out the the tree? Because it was dead.
Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree? It thought it was a game.
(Favourite joke of my children, which I may or may not have introduced to them. Nobody can prove otherwise)
I invented a thought-controlled air freshener. My wife told me its dumb.
It makes scents when you think about it, though.