My wife says I'm pedantic because I take things literally
I corrected her, "No that would make me a kleptomaniac."

Its ok to use natural materials when sewing, but dont try making underwear out of grapes or bananas.
They just bunch up on ya.

Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism - its a light sentence, but theyre given time to reflect

Dad! I cant sleep. There are monsters under my bed! The father goes to check under his sons bed and finds 2 monsters underneath.
Well, its no wonder you cant sleep, son. You have any idea how much caffeine is in these?

Some people say that the USA is the stupidest country in the world.
Well I'm American and I say that the stupidest country in the world is Alaska.

Ive been dating an entomologist for over a year now
And she still gives me butterflies.

I got fired from the keyboard factory.
Apparently I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

Ditzy husband to wife, Honey, I think I know why you have been gaining weight. Wife, Lets hear it
Husband, Pretty sure its your shampoo. It says on the bottle that it creates extra body.

I was at an Estate sale this weekend...
I found a TV for sale with a sign saying, Stuck on maximum volume, only $5.00".

Thought to myself, I cant turn that down!

If Squidward is an octopus then why do they call him "Squidward"?
Because his other name would be Ockward.

Im now three years into my sentence.
So I finally decided, that writing isn't for me.

What do you give a scientist with bad breath?
Experi-mints

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it.
He phones the police and says, "Bejesas, I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."

The operator asks, "Is it tickin?"

and Paddy says, "No, I tink its beef"

Did you hear about the bankrupt historian?
submitted by /u/jimbojw
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What is a consequence of going to war with Iran?
Your gas Israeli high!

do not touch
must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.

I told my wife i wanted to be cremated.
She made an appointment for Tuesday.

Whenever I play chess with an Australian, they think I'm a friend.
Dunno why, but they always say "check, mate".

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night
The waiter came over and they gave their drink order.

'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy. 'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy. 'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy. 'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy. 'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy. 'the chocolate cheesecake, with whipped cream, please', said the second piggy. 'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.

'Pardon my curiosity,' said the waiter to the third little piggy, 'But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'

The third piggy says -

'Well, SOMEBODY has to go "Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"

I wondered why the frisbee got bigger and bigger,
And then it hit me.

How many ship wrecks are on the bottom of the sea?
All of them.

I took my son out of his music rehearsals, they were getting too obscene.
Too much sax and violins for a little kid.

Newton is credited with the theory of gravity
Before that it was all up in the air.

I was in Australia and learnt the word boo in an Aboriginal means "to return"
Because if you throw a normal meringue, it doesn't come back

A man arrives home and says to his wife: "What would you do if I told you I had a winning lottery ticket?"
She replies, "Honestly? I would take my half and leave you."

"Great!" says the man, and hands her $10. "Here's your half. Now pack your bags."