I got you an elephant for your room.
"Thanks.

Dont mention it.

I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasnt happy at all
How much have you had to drink? she asked sternly, staring at me. Nothing I slurred. Look at me! she shouted. Its either me or the pub, which one is it?

I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, Its you. I can tell by the voice.

As a funeral director. I tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.
Because if there was ever a zombie apocalypse, it would be hilarious.

What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A GUMMY bear

went to my bosss funeral I kneeled down next to the coffin and whispered,
Who is thinking outside the box now?

I had a dream I was drowning in an Orange Ocean...
Turns out it was just a Fanta Sea.

This is ridiculous! We're 363 days away from Christmas.
And people already have their lights up on their house.

What does a British man say while dying and masturbating?
"I'm having a stroke"

Whats small and red and has a rough voice?
A hoarse radish!

Doctor Strange knock knock joke
Knock knock

"Who's there?"

"Door Mom"

"Door Mom Who?"

"I've come to bargain!"

Why did the electrician starve to death?
Because he insisted on only eating light-dinners

My girlfriend keeps accusing me of being a cheater.
She's starting to sound like my wife.

What's a cannibal's fav dessert?
Handshakes

Chuck Norris once threw a grenade that killed 50 people.
Then it exploded.

Possums moving
On my daily walk I came across six possums in a suitcase. I immediately rang the wildlife carers hotline.

The receptionist asked me if they were moving.

I said I didn't know, but that would explain the suitcase.

In tonight's 9pm news..
Corduroy pillows make headlines.

A cocaine addict just snorted his grandmother's ashes.
Apparently it was half a gram

My new sweater had a problem with static so I returned it.
They gave me a new one free of charge.

I woke up this morning with a tap on my door.
I hired the world's worst plumber.

Why aren't chickens allowed to play ball?
Because they can't help but fowl the ball.

I started a band called 1023 MB.
We havent had a gig yet.

Someone broke into my apartment and stole every lamp.
I'm so delighted.

What's a vegetable that's served time in tje penitentiary and has no money?
Hard Poor Corn

What did the ocean say to the shore?
Nothing, it just waved

My Doctor walked in saying, "I have your test results..."
"... You need to stop masturbating."

Shocked, I asked, "Why Doctor?"

My Doctor immediately snapped back, yelling, "'Cause you're distracting me from reading you your test results!"