Got the wife so good earlierToddler:
does something mischievous Wife: "Oooh, I wonder where he gets THAT from?!" looks at me
Me: "I know exactly who he gets that from. In fact, I hung a picture of the culprit in the bathroom right above the sink."
Wife: "...wait, really?"
Me: "Yeah, go look."
To my astonishment and delight, she actually goes into the bathroom and looks above the sink where, of course, she sees her reflection in the bathroom mirror
She comes back out shaking her head in defeat. She tries to glare at me but she can't help but smile.
I still got it, folks!
My boss said he was going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch its going to be me.
Whats the difference between a golf ball and a Mercedes?
Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball 300 yards without hitting a tree
I'm putting aside a little money every day to buy a trimmer for the bushes around my yard.
It's my hedge fund.
Flight Attendant:" Window or Aisle?"
"Window or you'll what?"
Whats the difference between unlawful and illegal?
One is breaking the law, and the other is a sick bird.
As I was dropping my son off on his first day of school, he worriedly looked at me and asked, How long do I have to go to school for? Smiling, I responded, Until youre 18 buddy!" He nodded, thought about it for a bit and said...
Dad, you will remember to come and get me when Im 18, wont you?
Wanna know if your wife or dog loves you more?
Lock them both in the trunk of your car and then open it up in 4 hours and see which one is happy to see you!
I saw a brand new clock in the garbage the other day...
Such a waste of time.
His Holiness
Why does the Pope keep his underpants on when he has a bath? Because he doesnt like to look down on the unemployed.
My daughter said she might want to study abroad when she gets older.
I told her why wait? There's a mirror in the bathroom.
Why did the Wi-Fi break up with the router?
It felt like they just werent connecting anymore.
I just told the kids that they should look at the barges while in Paris
The boats there are in Seine.
I always start with a joke about a door handle.
Its a great opener.
Dad-Knock knock. Son-Who's there? Dad-Hike. Son- Hike who?Unsuspecting son
Dad waiting with bated breath
Sets the perfect trap
I bought a new car that drives on silence
It kinda goes without saying.
What do you call an elephant the circus no longer needs?
Irrelephant
Cannibal puns
We've been told that cannibal puns are in poor taste, so we had to try out the new fast food cannibal place, "Five Guys." I wanted to try a number of items on the menu, so I ordered their manwich, then a rump roast, with some headcheese and a side order of kidney pie. We sat around and chewed the fat for awhile.
I'm not that excited about the new NASA moon mission,
I doesn't have the same Buzz!
I tried to organize an Easter egg hunt,
but it scrambled my scheduleturns out Im not very eggsecutive.
Apparently, Giraffes can grow up to 18 feet.
But every single one I've seen had only four.
Why did the stadium get hot after the concert?
Because of the fans went home.
What car does Tarzan drive?
A Mazda tree too tree!
American children are kind
But German children are kinder.
Im currently in the market for a new job, my dad said i should look into becoming a gynecologist
He said there were a lot of openings