Where do mansplainers get their water?
From a well, actually.

I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn't show up.
That's when I knew we weren't gonna work out.

If farmer A sells apples and farmer B sells bananas What does farmer C sell?
Medicine.

I told my GF that I have a half brother living near Sydney Harbour in Australia. Different dads?she asked.
I said no, shark attack.

What kind of car does Captain Obvious drive?
A Maz-duh.

Or a Hon-duh.

I worked as an underwear model
It was just a brief job.

I was shocked to read a local dentist was arrested for dealing drugs. Id been going there for years
I didnt know he was a dentist.

Why don't cats ever get summoned for Jury Duty?
Because they'd be guilty of Purrjury

"Doctor, I have a passionate dislike for the Backstreet Boys."
Psychiatrist: "Tell me why."

Who was the dirtiest New York Rangers player in the 90s?
Well, Brian Leetch was certainly untidy but

Mark was Messier.

What do wives and Google have in common?
They won't let you finish a sentence before giving you suggestions.

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know y

After devouring several luxury hotels, Godzilla developed cavities.
The dentist told him he'd been eating too many suites.

I just heard that Neil Diamond has just sold his car on ebay...
Its a sweet car online

Gym.
Me: "I'm still tired from all the crossfit this morning."

My co-worker: "It's pronounced 'croissant' and you ate 4 of them."

I have a step ladder.
I never knew my real ladder.

I really wanted to be in our church play about the guy that kills his brother.
But I was busy that day and I wasn't Abel :(

I was sleeping in my hotel when the phone rang at 6 AM. It was the front desk, and she told me i need to go apologize to my parents and repair our relationship before they die of old age, and I regret it forever.
It was a real wake up call.

What do you get when you cross a tramp with a mummy?
A bum wrap.

What is a salad's favorite song?
Lettuce Be" by the Beanles.

My dentist told me to stop playing Bach.
Too many suites.

Why are bananas never lonely?
Because they always hang out in bunches.

Just found out they make a version of WhatsApp for seniors.
It's called "What?!"

What is the difference between a boxer and a man with a cold?
One knows his blows, and the other blows his nose!