Just started working at the bicycle factory this week
They already made me the spokesperson.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, Its not working. I cant take it any more. Im going to my moms. Confused and extremely worried, I slowly opened the fridge door. The light came on, the beer was cold.
What the hell did she mean?
Mantis.Baby praying mantis: Dad, who do we pray to?
Dad mantis: That depends on the religion.
Wait bugs have different religions?
Of course, son were in sects.
What do u call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick
Did you hear about the bee who got busted for visiting a prostitute?
It was a sting operation.
My personal trainer said he eats five big meals and trains six days a week.
I have no idea how he eats that many trains.
I recently got arrested for stealing a whole volume of encyclopaedias.
I turned to the officer and said, Look, I can explain everything.
I cleaned my vacuum cleaner.
Now I am the vacuum cleaner.
My therapist diagnosed me as "audio-averse".
I don't like the sound of that.
Do not be afraid of a six month home renovation.
Those twelve months will be the most fulfilling two years of your life.
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldnt change colour?
He had a reptile dysfunction
Teacher: can anyone tell me a Scandinavian country which doesnt have the letter R?
Student: No way!
My fiance and I wanted to get married at the public brary.
But they told us it was all booked up .
What do you call an inconsequential pachyderm?
Irrelephant.
I noticed 2 large bumps on my car battery. I had them testedOne came back positive.
Google says its terminal, l was shocked...
I was told that my mom insisted on having her hair done when I was born.
Thats how I learned she dyed giving birth.
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, Youre an 8 on a scale of 10.
I still dont get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.
What kind of blood type does a vampire have?
RU positive
What do you call a fly without wings?
a walk
I told my partner i was testing her by asking if shes a wife or a mother firstA mother first
Wrong, you married me a year before our first kid.
Got a big groan on that one
Blacksmith.An old blacksmith relized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting.
"Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy. "Just do whatever I tell you to do."
One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil.
"Get the hammer over there, he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard."
Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.
Kid: Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Dad: Yes, we arson
I saw a wolf with clothes on in the middle of a forest...
Stunned, I realized it was a wear wolf.
My kid identified as a tree all through high school.
Senior year he branched out and won most poplar.
I once made a small boat out of a large bell.
It was a little dingy.