An old lady goes to the doctor and says doc, I cant stop farting. Theyre silent with no smell, but Ive let out 20 in the past 5 minutes sitting here
The doc gives her some pills and tells her to come back next week.

The next week the old lady comes back and says doc, I took the pills, the farts are still silent but now they stink!

The doc says great! Weve cleared your sinuses, now lets work on your hearing!

Confucius says
Man who walks sideways through a turnstile in Thailand going to Bangkok.

What do you call a Chinese man with an amputated leg?
Tai Wan Shu

A woman visits her husband in prison. Before leaving, she says to a correction officer:
"You shouldn't make my husband work so hard he's exhausted!"

The officer laughs: "Work? Ma'am, he only eats, sleeps, and stays in his cell"

The wife replies: "That's strange.. he told me he's been digging a tunnel for months!"

So I guess Tiger Woods is going to have to rely on his short game a lot more now...
Since he obviously can't drive any more.

I don't like people who take drugs...
For example, airport security.

Always use a credit card when buying any type of battery
Thats not for tracking or record-keeping purposes.

Its simply that batteries work best when theyre charged.

(The above advice comes free of charge. Youre welcome.)

I thought physical therapy was a big scam until I finally went to one for my lower back
I stand corrected

What genre of music do all national anthems fall into?
Country music.

What rock group has four guys that dont sing?
Mount Rushmore. . .

Giraffe.
I read that giraffes can grow up to 18 feet.

The ones I've seen only had four.

I said to my son, "I need a battery so I can tell the time." He asked, "Is it for a clock?" I answered...
"I don't know! That's why I need the battery!"

What types of birds stick together?
Vel-crows

Dad, why dont eggs tell jokes?
Because theyd crack each other up.

One thing is for certain after Tiger Woods latest car crash
He's going to need a new Driver

I have a couple of dad jokes for you. (Set up)
A- Why did the chicken cross the road?

B- idk why?

A- To get to the idiots house.

Let it sit. they are confused.

A- Knock knock.

B- Who's there?

A- The chicken.

How much do dead batteries cost?
No charge

how are slutty cows shipped into the US?
through the Strait of Whore Moos

What gets longer when pulled, works best when jerked and inserts into a slot?
A seatbelt.

If a letter is mail, what's a bill?
Fee mail

My brother's addiction...
I'm concerned that my brother is addicted to brake fluid!
It's so much the worse because he says he can, "...stop at any time".

[My humble apologies, but this is so good that it bears repeating]

What cheeses sound like the wind?
Bries.

What do you call it when you drop a coffee mug?
A coffee break.

Ever since I could remember, I've always mixed up my words when I talk
Honestly, I feel kinda subconscious about it . . .

I used to hate facial hair
but then it grew on me.