When Tom Hanks writes his memoir it should be titled,
T. Hanks - For the memories.
A woman breaks up with a man with a small penis. His friends were amazed he didn't seem hurt or phased by the breakup
It's okay," he said. "I wasn't that into her."
What do you do if you find an undressed female dwarf parent crying in the woods?
Help her. It's the bare minimum.
My wife is a freak in the sheets.
I don't know any better in Excel.
There was a really big sale at The Lego store
People were lined up for blocks
Did you hear about the kidnapping at the elementary school???
The teacher woke him up, no big deal.
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo
One is a heavy animal the other is a little lighter
Why cant penguins fly?
Theyre not tall enough to be pilots.
Why do women fart after peeing ?
Since they can't shake dry , they blow dry
When I discovered that I was holding the taser the wrong way
I was stunned.
Being in bed with this bad flu has made me rethink my priorities in life
Its had a big influenza on me.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a christmas present?
Because the rest of the letters were naughty
Did you know that orcas are actually technically porpoises?
They just do a killer whale impression.
What's the flavour of a MILF?
Umami flavour.
Vlad Putin is at an airport going through customs
Customs officer; Occupation?

Putin: No, just visiting.

Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?
It takes a long time to swallow their pride.
What's the difference between Iron man and aluminium man?
Iron man will stop the bad guy

Aluminium man will just foil their plans

Why do Astronauts use Linux?
Because you can't open windows in space.
I'm almost 60, but can easily pull an all-nighter anytime I want.
Yep that's right, I didn't get up to pee once
If you ask somebody if he's gay...
That's a queery.
4' suspect evades authorities at psychic convention
Police are on the lookout for a small medium at large
What do you get when you cross a hula dancer with a boxer?
Hawaiian Punch!
A farmers son asks why do you drive that big farming machine through the fields?
Well son, its a combination of things
Tom Hanks used to eat a whole chicken for lunch while working on the set of his first 12 movies.
He gave up on A Pollo 13.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can remember them.