How do you find out how many vampires there are?
You Count Draculas

I was going to make a joke about the balls of an elderly man...
...but that would just be low-hanging fruit.

People think grass dont be wet in the morning.
But it dew

My wife left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mom's"
I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.

Someone ripped the 5th month out of my new planner
Im dismayed.

What do you call it when a journalist irons their underwear?
A press brief.

What do you do if you come across an upside down female dolphin?
Flipper

I've been training my dog to fetch tools from my workbench.
He isn't perfect but he knows the drill.

Why aren't scavengers allowed on planes?
carrion restrictions

My dad started training me to take his place as the lead circus clown.
I've got some really big shoes to fill!

I left the house without applying any ointment to my poison ivy.
It was a rash decision.

I just used annually as my email sign-off with my tax person
No punchline. Thats it, and Im still cackling.

My wife got our son an air freshener for his car that looks like a mini guitar
She said, "I don't know what it smells like."

I said, "Smells like teen spirit."

He said, "You're not funny."

An actual conversation this morning.

Why did the dentist fall asleep working on a cavity?
The drill was boring.

In a foot race between Julius Ceasar and Joseph Stalin, who would win?
Stalin, because he was rushin'. Ceasar was just roamin' and also had twenty-three stab wounds.

My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily segs
My wife insists it say dyslexia

I had a great conversation with a dolphin the other day
We just I dont know we just click

I bought a book that said it could be read in pitch black darkness.
It had a dark ending.

My toddler is terrified of escalators because they move too fast
We take steps to avoid them

How does a dog give birth?
Litterally.

I named my new dog Tenkay.
Now I can tell everyone I walked 10K everyday.

My Doctor said I should limit my drinking to special days only.
My Psychologist said I should make every day a special day.

Its not my fault that they dont talk to each other

Sometimes I tuck in my knees, wrap my arms around them and lean forward
Thats just how I roll

My waiter asked me how I like my steak
So I told him I like my steak like me winning a argument with my wife

So the waiter said "rare it is"

I decided to buy different spread to put in my sandwiches. I'm not a fan.
I can't believe it's not better.