Wife yells from upstairs: "Hey do you ever get a really sharp pain in your heart area, almost like someone is using a voodoo doll against you?"Husband: "no"
Wife: "How about now?"
What does a robot do after sex?
He nuts and bolts
Why cant muggers catch Catholics during Lent?
They fast.
A word of dating advice: If he doesnt appreciate your fruit jokes,
You need to let that mango!
Did you know that despite the name, there are no canaries on Canary Island? It's the same with the Virgin Islands.
No canaries there either.
What do lumberjacks like doing on the internet?
Logging on and logging off.
My kids told me I have every board game except one.
I had no Clue.
I was going to make a curling joke.
But I didnt have the stones to do it.
I opened up a shop that sells erectile dysfunction pills.
I called it "No Hard Feelings"
My kid asked if he was unique. Im like, Not only are you unique, youre milonelion. He said, What does that mean??
I said, Youre one in a million.
What's the difference between a black-eyed pea and a chickpea?
A black-eyed pea will sing, but a chickpea will just hummus.
How do you catch a unique duck?Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame duck?
Tame way.
The repairman looked at my dryer and said, This is going to take 40 days to fix. Im like, Forty days?.. why??
He said, Its Lint.
Whats the most common name for a librarian?
Paige.
What do you call an afternoon showing at SeaWorld?
The Manatee
Why did meatballs tell spaghetti to go to sleep?
Because it was pasta bedtime
My grandad keeps buying cheap knockoff electronics from ebay. He keeps insisting the speakers are Sony, the subwoofer is Bose, but they definitely arent
I find older people often have a problem with misleading stereo types
A cupcake and a doughnut go on a date.
The cupcake says "I'm a Capricorn. How about you?"
The doughnut says "I'm a torus."
Why should you never take sides in an argument at the dinner table?
Trick question! It's the perfect time to take sides because no one's paying attention. Bring Tupperware!
Why don't vampires use cough drops?
Because they like coffin.
There's nothing sexier than German women doing handstands.
They really turn my Frauen upside down.
What do you call a snake that sells real estate?
Anacondo
When lighting your gas grill, you should always use propane.
Amateurpane just doesn't work that well.
Man: I invented a thought-controlled air freshener
Woman: That's ridiculous Man: It makes scents when you think about it.
As a magician, I can make anything disappear.
Unfortunately, I have nothing to show for it.