My wife is furious with me because she found a bunch of hidden letters that revealed I was cheating on her.
Now she refuses to play Scrabble at all.
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100.
A solid 10, but also imaginary.
Smoking in Heaven
A guy is at the Pearly Gates and he sheepishly asks St. Peter if smoking is allowed in heaven. "Well technically yes but..." Oh wow! Really?! Can I have one now?!

'Ok.Reach into your pocket' came the exasperated reply.

Sure enough a full package of his favorites were right there. But then he realizes he needs a light. He flicks his thumb at St. Peter asking for a lighter.

St. Peter says 'Here we go...!

Suddenly thousands of Angels begin singing, an epic parade of the Heavenly Host march towards him with all kinds of pomp and circumstance. Then at the end of the long line of drummers, flag bearers, and horn blowers, one little cherub brings his request on a tiny silken pillow.

The man, completely stunned by what just happened stares at St. Peter trying to get a clue and St. Peter shrugs says

"What'd you expect? It's a match made in Heaven."

Back in the '80s, punctuation and lizards were very important.
Comma, comma, comma, comma, chameleon...
I'm developing a game where you have to go back in time to assassinate Adam.
It's a first person shooter.
How do you make an elephant float?
2 scoops of ice cream and one elephant.
My wife said the house was haunted.
I've lived here 300 years, I didn't notice anything unusual.
My wife flew into a rage because I kept making Monty Python references
I said "will this be a 5 minute argument or the full half hour?"
I was surprised to learn that mime-on-mime violence is a growing concern..
Apparently we just never hear about it.
What do you call a partially blind dinosaur?
Yathinkhesaurus
Why do porcupines win all the games?
Because they always have the most points!
Why was the elephant not able to become a brain surgeon?
He was not allowed to enroll in the Hippo Campus.
Do you know why i never trust stairs?

Because they are always up to something

What do you call a typo on a tombstone?
A grave mistake
Prince Charming in divorce court
Snow White and Prince Charming in Divorce Court

Judge: So, you want a divorce because your wife is too moody?

Prince: No, I said last night
I came home and she was feeling Happy, then she was feeling Grumpy, then she was feeling Bashful, then she was feeling Sleepy

3 sisters married 3 brothers
3 sisters married 3 brothers, one day the 3 brothers went off to work leaving the 3 pregnant sisters at the eldest brother's and eldest sister's home.

The sisters got to chatting and realised that their husbands were taking care of them all too well and not letting them do much work. So they decided to change that and set about doing odd jobs all over their houses to say thank you to their husbands for all that they do.

After painting her kitchen, the eldest sister went into labour and after a few pushes bore a baby apple, the second sister, after rewiring the garage, went into labour and gave birth to a baby banana, the 3rd sister, after landscaping the back garden, gave birth to a baby orange.

The sisters were all shocked and met together to congratulate their hard work and discuss their new babies. When the 3 brothers came home, they were welcomed in by the 3 sisters who said..

Come, see the fruits of our labours.

Why can't Celsius play basketball?
Because it wouldn't be Fahrenheit!
A guy walked into a bar
He said Ouch
My girlfriend said I don't give her enough privacy.
At least that's what it said in her diary.
A woman takes a sip of her coffee and winces at how terrible it is...
She calls her lawyer: "This coffee my husband made is so bad it's a crime." The lawyer replies "Bring out the coffee dregs, please..." She does as told. "What you have in you hand, ma'am," the lawyer continues, "is "grounds for divorce".
My wife smiled at me and said, I had no idea our son would go that far!" I laughed and said, I know!"
"The trebuchet is amazing! Let's get our daughter!"
What do you call a typo carved into a tombstone?
A grave mistake.
Someone gave me a worn-out calendar.
Its seen better days.
A hunting trip
A hunter from the East goes hunting out West in Wyoming.

He hires a guide and the next day they get up bright and early and begin their adventure.
At some point the hunter has to use a commode.
He says to his guide, "Man, I really have to use the restroom. Where is it?"

The guide cracks up laughing, "Are you serious? We're in the middle of Wyoming and you're asking where the restroom is?"

"Well it's kinda an emergency." the hunter says.

The guide says, "You just hang your ass over that log over there. We're roughing it today, Sport!

So,the hunter does his business but realizes there is no toilet paper so he asks his guide, What do I use to clean up with?

The guide says, You got a dollar?

The hunter says, "I do"

The guide says, "Just use that!"

The hunter comes back with poop all over himself. He was a disgusting mess.

The guide says, "What the hell, man. What happened to you?"

The hunter says, "You try cleaning yourself up with three quarters, two dimes, and a nickel!"

A husband walks into the house looking very serious.
His wife asks,

Why do you look like you just lost a million dollars?

He sighs and says, I did something terrible today I forgot your birthday.

The wife crosses her arms. You forgot my birthday?! Thats it. Tomorrow morning, I expect to see something in the driveway that goes from 0 to 100 in under 5 seconds.

The husband nods nervously.

Next morning, the wife rushes outside and sees a bathroom scale.