Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, theres a long break in the ledge they cant cross. Something for this I have. Yoda says.
He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yodas hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yodas garden.

Something I have for this. Yoda says again.

Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole.

Yoda and Luke return to Yodas home, where Yoda looks through his bag.

Hes used all his forks but one, he discovers.

Thats ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. Ill write us a note reminding us to buy more.

So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board.

He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror.

Master Yoda! he asks. What did I do wrong?

Yoda replies sagely, A Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!

I identify as condescending.
My pronouns are there/there.

There was a shooting at the White House Correspondence Dinner tonight...
Kash Patel went running in because he heard there were free shots.

The phrases "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" usually mean the same thing...
...except when you're at a funeral.

I wont go to another funeral
Theyre not going to come to mine, so why should I go to theirs?

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords today
I had to ground him. Hes currently doing better, but he's still a bit shocked.

So Proud. Granddaughter (14) first Dad Joke.
So proud. Granddaughter made her first proper Dad joke. I asked her to take the bins out and she said.........Why I'm not dating them?

What has 10 letters and starts with GAS?
Automobile.

Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was nice enough, but the RECEPTION was fantastic!

Those thugs stole my bible and I can't get it back. There are too many of them!
They've got Numbers.

My father wrote dozens of books about yoghurt.
He truly is a man of culture.

When I get a headache I take two aspirin...
... and Keep away from children just like the bottle says.

I thought we were gonna get clobbered when I realized every kid on the team I was coaching had mismatched leg lengths.
But we ended up running circles around everyone.

So I went to a beekeeper and asked him for five bees, but he gave me six. I asked him "what's with the extra one?"
He answered "It's a freebie."

In an effort to be more progressive so I started listening to Nascar on the radio.
Now I dont see race.

How does a Mother become single?
She moves Father away.

Why are bartenders so good at their job?
they're always doing the beer minimum

I used to shave my head completely bald until I lost my razor.
I really hated it at first, but it's starting to grow on me.

What do you call antibiotics for a yeast infection?
Cancel culture

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's ok, he woke up.

Did you hear about the astronaut who died?
He jumped out of the cabin instead of using the ladder. He failed to grasp the gravity of the situation.

A few months ago I had told my dad I met a guy named Doug that I was really interested in. Weeks went by and he asked for an update
I told my dad that Doug had let me know he had a girlfriend.

And my dad, serious as hell, says, so I guess this means youre Doug-less (Douglas).

It was a bummer but the joke made it better

My friend committed an error which cost him his life.
He made a grave mistake.

If Mister Putin were a bee...
He'd be a cagey bee