What is the most common type of doctor in Egypt
A Cairo-practor

[Warning 18+]
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At dinner my date complained, Naps? Sleeping in? Taking breaks? How are these actual hobbies?? Your profile said you were interesting!
I calmly leaned in to clarify. Resting. Im into resting.

I was gonna tell all of you a joke about mixing Helium with other elements, but then I decided not to . . .
I knew I wouldnt get a reaction

Just been prescribed some anti-gloating cream.
I can't wait to rub it in.

What do you call a dinosaur that's read Wuthering Heights?
A Brontsaurus.

I'll get my coat.

You know why you never hear any jokes about vacuum cleaners?
Because they all suck.

A woman is preparing a dinner for her parents and sends her husband out to buy some fresh snails.
The husband buys the snails then pops into the pub for a quick drink.

One thing leads to another and he stays for a few rounds, so many in fact, that by the time he leaves it's 9 in the evening.

Realizing he's extremely late the husband runs home, pours the snails over the path leading to his house, then he rings the bell.

His furious wife opens the door. 'Where the hell have you been?' she screams.

The husband waves back to the snails, 'Come on, lads!' he shouts 'We're almost there!'

William Shatners' new line of womens' lingerie has been tanking in sales
There were probably better names than Shatner Panties

Why didn't Mel Gibson become a lawyer?
He couldn't pass the bar

Did you hear the one about the bear?
It was a grizzly tale!

You can't just decide if you want to be a wheat farmer
You have to be bread for it

I pleaded, Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus! He said, "Repeat infractions?" I responded...
"Fine. 3/5 of my tickets are bogus!"

How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Trump said he did it and they all clap in the dark

Where do sheep go to drink in Boston?
The Baa.

My wife emailed me our wedding photos, but I couldnt open any of the files because I always have trouble with...
...emotional attachments.

When does a joke turn into a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers.
Yes, he said. My Grandad taught me.

Good. So what comes after eight?

Nine, answered Johnny.

And what comes after nine?

Ten.

And what comes after ten?

The jack.

When I was a kid we were so poor that my dad served a 1/1000th scoop of ice cream for dessert.
He called it a Milli Vanilli.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're so good at it

A guy goes to interview for IKEA...
The manager says Welcome! Come in and make a seat.

I dont know how she keeps making blockbusters.
But Anne Hathaway.

My job as a customs officer is really affecting my health.
All those seizures.

What do you call a woman who lights all her bills on fire?
Bernadette

I think my car battery caught a virus. I looked and found the two tell-tell bumps on the surface.
Both bumps were tested, and one is positive. I'm afraid that the prognosis is terminal.