I was very upset when my wife told me our son wasn't mine.
Then she said I should pay more attention when I pick the kids up from school.

When is a Door, not a Door?
When it is Ajar...

Where do lizards go after their tail falls off?
The retail store.

TRUE Story. I was a massage therapist for several years. Had a client that owned horses.
She apologized for coming right from the barn to her appointment. I said, "No problem, climb up and I will take you from Farm to Table. "

She laughed on and off thru the entire hour.

Why do chicken coops have only 2 doors?
Because if they had 4 they'd be chicken sedans.

Both sides of the aisle...
I love politically incorrect jokes... this is one of my faves...

Benjamin Franklin was a great American President.

What do you call a helicopter with an ejection seat?
A Chopper

Theres a guy at work who constantly criticizes my understanding of binary logic.
Hes always Boolean me!

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says, You look like youve got a lot on your mind. The man replies, Yeah I tried to organize a hide-and-seek tournament. The bartender asks, Howd it go? The man sighs,

Terrible. Good players are hard to find.

Where does a king keep his armies?
In his sleevies

Why are there no eye doctors in the chain of Alaskan Islands?
They're just optical Aleutians.

My son said he didnt get a phone signal when walking past the cemetery
I told him that it was a dead zone.

Which search engine does Super Mario use?
Yahoo!

Receptionist answering phone at Dermatologist office, Hi, how may I assist you?
Caller, Im reporting that a small, furry creature with tiny eyes and looks like no ears is digging tunnels in my yard.

Receptionist, May I ask why you are telling me that?

Caller, The doctor told me to let him know if I saw any suspicious moles.

I just dumped some Adderall in my Ford Fiestas gas tank..
now its a Ford Focus.

A friend of mine got married on a plane mid-flight
It didn't last though. The court said there were no grounds for the marriage.

You can get your Bergers disease treated at the Mayo Clinic
You're not in too much of a pickle if you live far away. Other clinics have started to ketchup.

(Bergers is real, and is treated by the Mayo Clinic.)

What do you call a 4'11" psychic on the run from the cops?
A small medium at large!

Famous stock trader
Jack Thompson was the most famous stock trader on Wall Street. His funds had made money, in good markets and bad, for decades. Finally ready to retire, he was going to reveal his secrets in an exclusive interview. What are your tricks? asked the reporter. Years ago I noticed that nearly all stocks have a tiny uptick at exactly 12 o'clock. It doesn't matter what stock you buy, Jack said. Any stock? asked the reporter. Yes, my whole secret is to buy stocks at precisely 12 o'clock and then sell them precisely one second later. And thats how he became known as Jack of all trades, master of noon.

I have a horse called Mayo.
Sometimes, Mayo neighs.

My 12 year old told us at the dinner table tonight.

What do you call a cheap vampire
Dis-count Dracula

One for your horse obsessed children / niblings & family
Q: What did the shorter horse say to the taller horse when it was trying to reach some fruit just a little too high for her?

A: I need a hand

For the not horse people: Horses heights are measured in hands. One hand is 10cm or about 4 inches, and hands are always measured to the horse's shoulder.

What happens when a microbiologist drops a Petri dish?
Severe culture shock.

People say I'm mad for the way I deal with garden waste.
But I tell them I'm very much compost mentis