New York and Minnesota are opposites. New York is where the Big Apple is and Minnesota is where the...
...Minneapolis

Why was the letter E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest of the letters were naughty

I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts.
It's called "leave me the fuh cologne"

They say that sniffing rosemary will improve your memory. I tried it once.
Then she hit me. I dont remember much after that.

Where do English people shop for groceries?
The British aisles

Whats the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken.

I went out for dinner last night and I'm very proud of myself from walking out the bar sober
My wife had to burst my bubble though because it was a salad bar

What muscle car do they drive in Norway?
The Fijord Mustang.

Im afraid of being in a small space with lots of Santas.
I think its called Claus-trophobia.

My teenage daughter was being snarky with me the other day, so I told her "don't get testy with me young lady!"
"No I'm not!" she exclaimed, "I'm a girl! I'm getting ovary with you!"

Say what you will about Die Hard, but it has the best ending for a Christmas movie
Hans down

How do you marry a farm girl?
First a-tractor

I made up a new word,
it's called plagiarism.

Have you heard the one about the guy that got a false leg for Christmas?
It wasnt his main gift. It was his stocking filler.

Mary gave birth to Jesus. And Jesus was a Lamb of God..
So does that mean Mary had a little lamb...

Why shouldn't you make broth by yourself?
Because you need a brother.

My son came home from winter break and I told him it felt like an entury since Id seen him. He goes, "What the heck does entury mean?"
I said, "Long time, no C."

Why was the snowman digging through a basket of carrots?
Because he was picking his nose

In a lineup of Men all assigned a letter of the alphabet, how many women are there?
Just one. Man D.

What's the opposite of irony?
Wrinkly.

A man walked into a fish n chip shop....
... with a salmon under his arm. He asked the server if they were able to make fish cakes.

"We certainly can" replied the young lady.

"Fantastic!" said the man. "It's his birthday!"

I tried to organize an orgy in rural Pennsylvania.
It was a swing and a-mish.

What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.

Did you know that Bruce Lee was father to two children?
A parent Lee, he was.

3025 years from now life on Earth will be either really good or really bad...
It'll be 5050