Having sex can make your day.
But having anal sex can make your hole weak...
I saw a bumper sticker that said, Beware of the idiot behind me.
So I followed him until I figured out who the idiot was.
How many apples can you eat in the morning on an empty stomach?
One, because the rest are no longer on an empty stomach
What is the easiest way into medical school?
By donating your body to science.
I used to be addicted to soap
but I'm clean now
What do you get when a country singer blows his nose?
A boot scootin' boogie
My school teacher said I was no good at poetry due to my dyslexia
Well so far I have made two beautiful vases, a milk jug and an egg cup so I think the joke is on you Mrs Edwards!
What do you call an excersising nun?
A firm believer
My wife told me the salads I make tend to be on the dry side...
...this is definitely something that needs addressing.
A wealthy girl was about to get married when her dad died. In shock she went to see the kind old man who had run her apartment buildings elevator for decades. Through teary eyes she asked, Joe, would you give me away at my wedding?
I really feel like you brought me up
When I was younger, I felt like a man trapped in a womans body.
Then I was born.
What do you get if you masturbate for 5 days?
A weak end
Do you know what they do when they need to circumcise a whale?
They send down four skin divers.
My nephews the best baseball player in his school. Come rain or shine he always performs
Even when hes sick he gets the runs
What has a neck but no head?
A bottle
What is the Funeral Director's favourite drink?
He can't start his day without his Mourning Coffee.
Did you know half of the days are named Greg and the other half are named Ian?
It is the gregorian calendar.
My cousin William loves his protein shakes. Always carries around a bag of protein powder.
Where theres a Will, theres a whey.
What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?
Where's popcorn?
Any sofa can be a sofa bed
Just tell your wife to calm down.
What do you call a broken clock?
A waste of time.
Cinderella
Why is Cinderella really bad at football (soccer)? Because she always runs away from the ball!
Several people were offended by my joke about the apocalypse...
I told them, "relax it's not the end of the world!"
Long before X-rays was discovered, the ancient Chinese invented a device that can see through walls.
They called it the "window".