A snail walks into a bar with a girl on his back.The bartender asks: What are you?
Snail: I'm a snail.
Bartender asks: Who's that on your back?
Snail: Michelle.
My dog frequently helps me out when I forget things. This morning while I was in my car he came sprinting down the driveway. I asked what is it today boy?
Dog: *pants*
I've decided I'm going voluntarily mute.
I'm not telling anyone.
I felt very naughty making my pickle flavored bread.
I was squishing my dil-dough all over the table.
What do you call sixty minutes of pain?
An oww-ur
What's your opinion of people made entirely out of footlong sandwiches?
I think they're subhuman
HAPPY INTERNATIONAL CAPS LOCK DAY!
Sorry, didn't mean to yell
What room will you never find in a zombie's house?
The living room.
Went to the doctor with a suspicious looking mole
He said they all look that way and I should have left him in the garden.
I hooked up with an electrician last night. The chemistry was shocking,,,
,,,but she definitely knew how to flip my switch.
I hear editors hate having to quote texts with errors.
One was heard saying "I'm sic of it all!"
When I worked in the Netherlands I had Eggs Benedict most days for breakfast. Sadly we dont have it very often back in the UK.
How I miss my Holland days!
I live on Thebe St
Its the best
I've reduced my wine consumption to just one glass before bed
I went to bed 7 times last night
It is with great sadness that I have to mention the loss of a few local businesses.
A local bra manufacturer has gone bust, a submarine company has gone under, a manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation, a dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers and a company supplying paper for origami enthusiasts has folded. Do you know of any others??
I tried making a joke about unemployment today?
But none of them work
Whats the difference between a pun and a fart?
A pun is a shift of wit
At dinner, my date told me her favorite yoga pose involves balancing on one leg, pressing her palms together above her head, and slowly twisting her body. Its called the drill, and believe it or not, I invented it.
I said, Thats a bit of a stretch.
Someone fainted on my flightI was on the plane last night and someone fainted. I heard the stewardess shout
Is there a doctor on the plane?
The guys next to me piped up.
I am a doctor of English
Do you know CPR? She asks
Maam, I know the whole alphabet the man said proudly
I saw 2 blackbirds stuck together today....
They were Velcrows.
We have got to stop with the smelling twelve donuts joke.
It dozen make scents.
Ein Witz, Wnsch dir was....Ein Deutscher, ein Schweizer und ein sterreicher stehen auf dem Dach eines Wolkenkratzers.
Die Wunschfee erscheint und spricht: Wenn ihr hier runterspringt, erflle ich euch im Flug einen Wunsch.
Der Schweizer nimmt allen Mut zusammen, springt und ruft: Ein Heuhaufen! Er landet weich im Heu und geht unverletzt nach Hause.
Der Deutsche nimmt Anlauf, springt und ruft: Ein Pool voller Wasser! Er landet mit einem perfekten Kopfsprung im Wasser und schwimmt unverletzt an den Rand.
Nun nimmt der sterreicher Anlauf. An der Kante stolpert er, verliert das Gleichgewicht, und schreit im Fallen vor Schreck:
Aaaaaach, Scheieeee...!
My girlfriend punched me in the face while she was on her period
I think she was just ovary acting
I stole someones marmalade
I didnt like it though. Its just not my jam
My suspicious wife asked how our lawn stays vibrantly green all year while the neighbors turn brown every winter. I said, Well, I could try to convince you that I actually understand soil composition, or how I mastered the watering schedule all while studying mower blade sharpening techniques
but I dye grass.