Son: Dad, I think the bougie man is under the bed? Dad: Don't you mean the boogeyman?
Voice from under the bed: Wow, the thread count on these sheets is PATHETIC.

I found my physics professor face down on his desk crying before class. I put my hand on his shoulder and asked, Hey, whats the matter?
He looked up at me and said, Anything that has mass and takes up space.

What do you call a crab that plays baseball?
A pinch hitter!

The guy that invented pants?
He was a real slacker.

Whats the difference between a joke and a dick?
I cant take a joke

I started a factory making flip-flops for people with one leg.
It was a flop.

Sorry, it was only a sneeze...
I didn't mean to yell achoo

If you're ever in a canoe and fall overboard
You can wear the canoe as a hat. Because it's cap-sized.

I have a pun about the wind but
It blows

Did you hear about the two radios that got married?
The reception was amazing.

A guy just came to my door trying to sell solar panels. I said I'm not interested. He asked if I wanted a pamphlet anyway.
I said, bro sure.

I almost died from radiation poisoning.
My half-life flashed before my eyes.

I always wanted to be a Gregorian monk...
...but I never got the chants.

My teacher told me I could never do poetry because of my dyslexia.
But so far, I've made three cups and a vase...so "there" Mr. Peterson!

My next door neighbors couldn't pay their water bill...
So I sent them a get well soon card.

What might you call red hot cattle?
A cruci-bull.

You cant trust law abiding citizens.
They lack convictions.

Why do farts smell?
So deaf people can enjoy them too.

Did you know the race between the turtle and the rabbit was actually pretty close?
The tortoise only won by a "hare".

A drill achieves its goal..
Bit by Bit

My buddy David had his ID stolen.
We just call him Dav now.

You know you are getting old when...
...you're playing slots in Vegas and three prunes come up.

Figuring out complex math equations under the influence of alcohol can be dangerous
Please don't drink and derive

Houses.
Did you hear about one house falling in love with another house?

It was a lawn-distance relationship.

What did the quiet orange say to the noisy orange?
Be quiet. I'm concentrating.