I was talking with my brother about how much I missed my dog. I said, Man its been a few years now, and I realized the other day I cant even remember what his bark sounded like anymore.
He nodded, put his hand on my shoulder and said, Its rough.

I need to re-home a dog. Its a small terrier and tends to bark a lot, if interested let me know
I will jump over the neighbors fence and get it for you

Just when you think you know for sure vegetables cant use phones
Onion rings

When Beethoven was a kid everyone told him he could never be a composer.
But did he listen!?

Did you know if you feed milk to ants, their offspring are born without toes? It's a phenomenom known as...
Lack Toes In Toddler Ants.

This guy at work accused me of using outdated pop culture references.
Whatever he can eat my shorts.

Why did Hitler go to the nail salon?
He needed the polish removed

There is not a single fire ant on my property
They are all married and have LOTS of children.

I tried to explain to my 4 yr old grandson that its normal to accidentally poop your pants
But hes still making fun of me

I invented a thought controlled air freshener
It makes scents when you think about it

A Gen Z kid and a boomer walk into a bar They sit down and the Gen Z kid orders from the gluten free vegan menu and the boomer orders a T-Bone steak.

They start chatting and the Gen Z kid says that social justice issues are the biggest problem facing the world, and that the white supremacist patriarchy is a plague on society. > The boomer waves this off and says the kids these days are just too sensitive, and that he fought for civil rights in the sixties and did his part.

They go back and forth on this for a while, and finally the Gen Z kid says, "we're just not gonna settle this. We don't see eye to eye. You're too old and out of touch and I'm too young and inexperienced. What we need to do is ask a Millennial with a PhD in sociology for their opinion."

The boomer says, "that's a great idea!" And yells, "HEY BARTENDER, C'MERE!"

Life is like a box of chocolates
It doesn't last long for fat people

French fries arent cooked in France
Theyre cooked in Greece.

The price of gas is so high lately
The mafia does walk-by shootings.

What does a child have 4 off but an adult only has 2 of?
Kid knees

We know a lot of things about King Tut, but most people dont realize that he had a serious flatulence problem.
Its not discussed that much because when he was around, tootin was common.

I guess he did a great job of keeping it under wraps.

A world-renowned heart surgeon was waiting for his car to be fixed. The mechanic, a bit of a jokester, called him over.
"Hey, Doc, I want to show you something," the mechanic said, pointing to the engine. "I take these valves out, grind 'em down, and put 'em back in so the engine runs like new. You basically do the same thing for people, right?"

The surgeon nodded. "In a way, yes."

The mechanic grinned. "So, how come I make fifty bucks an hour and you make half a million a year when were doing the exact same work?"

The surgeon smiled, leaned in, and whispered, "Try doing it while the engine is still running."

I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says Im okay, but I feel like Ive dyed a little inside.

The model prisoner
Several years ago, Jim was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all the other inmates.

The warden believed that, deep down, Jim was a decent man. So he arranged for Jim to learn a trade while serving his time.

After about three years, Jim had become one of the best carpenters in the whole county.

Sometimes he was even given a weekend pass to do small jobs for folks around town, and he always returned to the prison by Sunday evening.

Jim was the definition of a model inmate.

One day, the warden decided he wanted to remodel his kitchen, but he didnt have the skills to build new cabinets and a large countertop.

So he called Jim into his office and asked if he could take on the job.

To the wardens surprise, Jim immediately refused.

But youre an expert, Jim, and I really could use your help, said the warden.

Gee, Warden, Id sure love to help you

but counter fitting is what got me in here in the first place.

I told my suitcase there would be no vacation this year.
Now Im dealing with emotional baggage.

A man walks into a shop and says: "I want to buy some deodorant, please."
"Ball or aerosole?" asks the clerk.

"Neither." says the customer. "I want it for my armpits!"

A recent study showed that women who carry a little extra weight..
Live longer than men who mention it

Are dental hygienists are poorly paid?
Theyre just scraping by.

What did the psychiatrist say to his 9 am that came to the office naked and wrapped in cellophane ?
I can clearly see your nuts