Why did Indiana Jones never meet his favourite band?
He ran away from the Rolling Stones

I was just convicted by two dudes names Jimothy and four guys named Jim.
It was a Jim, Jimothy, Jim, Jimothy, Jim, Jim jury.

Brake pads
This just now happened...

Went into O'Reilly for brake pads. Guy at the counter said, "What are you needing today?"

I said, "I need brake pads."

He got his fingers on the keyboard and said, "OK, what's it for?"

I said, "It helps your car stop."

My wife fainted onto the baggage carousel at the airport.
Thankfully she came around.

Doctor: Your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg

Husband - Are you having an affair with my best friend?
Wife - What makes you say that?

Husband - Hes been miserable lately.

I went to a pun off last week. The first category was "Water Sources"
I lost in the first round. I didn't do well!

My son asked me "Do trees poop?"
I asked him "Where do you think they get #2 pencils?"

Someone just accused me of plagiarism.
Their words, not mine.

I was raised as an only child.
It drove my sister nuts.

A tub of margarine fell on my foot three weeks ago and it still hurts.
I cant believe its not better

After my first date with a cannibal, I texted her, I had a great time! She wrote back, Honestly, the whole time I was thinking about desserting you after dinner. I said, Lol, well Im glad you stuck around! Btw, its deserting.
She replied, Um yeah, sure.

What do you call karate for amputees?
Partial arts

My wife said: "That's the 4th time you've gone back for dessert! Doesn't it embarrass you?"
I said: "No, I keep telling them it's for you."

After 14 years as a homemaker, my wife got a job as a baker at the bagel shop up the street...
...I'm really excited for her to be making some dough!

It comes at a time of great knead, our finances have been really crumby lately. We've been in a bit of a debt hole and now we can finally rise above it!

Looking forward to life with another bread-winner in the house!

(Inspired by real events - I was only going to do one celebratory pun but then I got on a roll...)

My kid asked if I could help with his maths homework.
I said "Of course, you can always count on me".

Would 14 yrs old version be proud of you?
I am not here to impress a mentally ill child

I bought a first aid kit today.
I thought Id treat myself.

Why you should eat a banana everyday?
Because they rot quickly.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the idiots house.
Knock knock.
Whos there?
The chicken you idiot!

When I talk to my boss, I often exaggerate the number of tablets I've sold. It may be unethical, but I'm just trying to earn that bonus.
That's why iPad my stats.

Whats better than a dad bod?
A father figure.

Napoleon.
Okay, maybe Napoleon didn't design his coat. But he definitely had a hand in it.

I competed in a sun-tanning contest, hoping to win a gold medal.
I got bronze.