Watch out for the Asexuals
you wont see them coming.
Blond skipping home from school
Jenny, a blonde girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
Is it because I'm blonde?" Jenny asked.
"Yes, It's because you're blonde," said the mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good, Jenny," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, It's because you're blonde."
The next day Jenny came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"
And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 24.
The executioner explained my hanging to me in great detail.
I said, Thanks for keeping me in the loop.
I took the shell off my racing snail to make him go faster
Unfortunately it just made him more sluggish
I think I'm addicted to seaweed, what should I do?
Sea kelp
Im looking forward to watching the World Origami Championship.
Its on paper view
When my wife and I went on our first date, she offered to split the bill. I told her, Absolutely not.
Youre on your own if youre eating that part of the duck.
A woman tells the dentist, "I need a tooth pulled, and I don't have time for the numbing shot. Just yank it."Dentist: "What a brave woman! Which tooth is it?"
Woman: She turns to her husband. "Show him your tooth, dear."
Jokes about dwarves are really easy to remember.
Because they're short.
I'm homeless and always traveling around trying to find a new place to settle, but it doesn't make me angry.
I'm a no-mad.
What do you call a spider with 10 eyes?
A spiiiiiiiiiider
What does Dracula do best?
Count.
A bit of life advice to Greek vegans
Never meat your gyros.
A trip to a Chinese restaurantAn older couple went out for dinner at their favorite Chinese restaurant.
They decided to try something new on the menu called Chicken Surprise.
A few minutes later, the waiter brought their meal a covered cast iron pot.
Just as the wife was about to serve herself, the lid popped up a little and she saw two tiny eyes peeking out! Then the lid dropped back down.
Harold, did you see that?! she whispered.
Harold hadnt, so she told him to look. He lifted the lid and sure enough, two little eyes peered up at him before the lid slammed shut again.
Totally baffled, he called the waiter over. Excuse me, but somethings alive in here!
The waiter nodded politely and said,
Ah, so sorry, sir. You ordered Chicken Surprise?
Yes, Harold said nervously.
Ah, said the waiter, bowing slightly. My mistake. Thats our Peking Duck!
I said to my wife Theres only one thing that scares me during Halloween.She said: "Which is?"
I said: "Exactly"
Researchers found a reduced number of charged particles in our atmosphere.
While not a problem yet, its worth keeping an ion.
16 sodium atoms go into a bar
Batman follows them
I was reading instructions on how to build stairs but I had to quit
Way too many steps!
What did the zebra say the first time he saw a piano?
Dad?
I get so angry when people burn perfume!
I'm incensed!
How can you tell when Count Dracula has the flu?
He can't keep from coffin in the morning.
What does a laughing motorcyclist ride?
A Yamahahaha.
My wife isnt talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday.
....Im not sure how. I didnt even know it was her birthday.
What happened when the cattle broke out of the corral?
Udder chaos!
Why doesn't the Navy have any good wrestlers?
Because they're often in Sub Missions.