If the stork is the bird that delivers the babies, what is the bird that prevents pregnancy?
The swallow.

What do you call a sick lawyer?
Illegal

A man ended up in the hospital after swallowing a bunch of dollar bills
No change is expected

How did medieval kings get their squires to go to sleep?
He good knighted them

My wife just asked me if I know what it's like to eat an entire box of Sicilian pastries.
I said, " I cannoli imagine it."

What kind of music do Santas elves listen to this time of year?
Wrap music.

I got arrested for buying stock in Morton and Duracell.
They said its a salt and battery.

What do you call a parrot that cant fly?
A walkie talkie.

Today my doctor told me I had to stop eating pizza.
When I asked him why, he said, "so I can examine you."

Why don't the other 25 letters like the letter D?
He's a weirdo.

Why I'm in favor of child labor
They're called minors. So it's obvious that they yearn for the mines.

=P

My girlfriend is leaving me after I stood on her glasses and broke them.
She said, " I can't see you anymore."

A famous chocolatier developed a new product line with 50% less moisture
Dryer Lindt

Why cant you hear a librarian going to the bathroom?
Because they shhhhit

Which countrys capital has the fastest-growing population?
Ireland. Every day its Dublin.

I ate the most amazing cheese Ive ever had, fresh from the farm
It was goated.

Tom Swifties
I remember seeing these in my Cub Scout magazines. They will forever be my favorite pun type jokes.

"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.

"I can't find the oranges," said Tom, fruitlessly.

"I dropped the toothpaste," said Tom, crestfallen.

"I'm not gay," said Tom, half in earnest.

The Moral of the Story
WARNING! ... This is a long one so scroll on if you seek instant gratification...... Once there was a snake named Nate. Nate had but one job to do and it was the most important job in the entire world. Nate had to protect the world from ending by fending off anybody or anything that who would come and pull the Lever that, if pulled would end the world .. One day, Nate was distracted by a pretty female snake with whom he was flirting when all of the sudden, a large boulder came down the hill toward the lever!! Nate knew he must sacrifice himself to save the world so he got in front of the boulder which crushed him, then the boulder just barely cleared the lever but the world was saved!!! THE MORAL OF THE STORY: Better Nate than Lever.

Big news!
Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

Did you know you can get mail delivered to the urinal you're using?
It's your IP address

I told my cat I was going to teach him how to speak English
He looked at me and said, me? How.

Do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge my phone in my honda?
Best Buy employee: A cord?

Me: No it's a Civic.

My kid took the drill thinking it would be a fun toy.
He eventually got bored with it.

Why do cows look up at the night sky?
because they look at the Mooooon!

I tried to make a belt out of watches
but it was a waist of time.