My wife is divorcing me because she thinks I'm "too un-American".
I saw this coming from a kilometer away.

Terrorist holding dad at gunpoint
Terrorist: "Say your last words!"
Dad: "Your last words!"
Terrorist: "What? ugh, you Americans. Be serious!"
Dad: "Okay, I'll be Sirius. Who are you going to be?"
Terrorist: "Stop. Why isn't this scaring your?"
Dad: "Nothing really scares me anymore; not since I saw that monster henway."
Terrorist: "What's a 'henway?
Dad: "About a pound and a half."
Terrorist: "Stop! I'm serious!"
Dad: "Hi Sirius! I'm Dad!"

Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism.

It's a light sentence, but it gives them time to refract.

What type of Jeans do ghost hunters wear?
Nothing special, just a Paranormal ones.

In laughter, the "L" comes first
The rest of the letters come 'aughter' it.

You know a French kiss, but what's an Australian kiss?
The same as a French kiss, but down under.

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal.
The doctor says, Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?

Larry replies, God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so Hes fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When Im done, poof! The light goes off.

Wow, thats incredible, the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larrys wife.

Bonnie... he says, Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because Im in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom and when hes done, poof, the light goes off?

Oh for Pete's sake!" exclaims Bonnie. Hes peeing in the refrigerator again!

I just turned 40 and I groan every time I get up now
Im finally a groan man

Two string instruments were having an intense argument. One said to the other, "You say you're a harp, but you sure don't look like one! You're too small!"
The second instrument snapped back, "Are you callin' me a lyre?"

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.

If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN...
They become VERY ANGRY.

I got fired from my job at the calendar factory.
I took a day off without telling anyone.

When I visited Nashville with my daughter, I told her, "I don't think they have pickleball here."
She pointed at a nearby court and said, "But they do have tennis. See?"

I went to the local Ice Cream Parlor and the clerk said: We have a special on sundaes!
So I said: Ok, Ill come back.

What does Lionel Ritchie wear when he's home alone?
All nylon.

What do you call a piano made from discarded pianos?
A Frankensteinway!

I went to a wedding on Saturday, but the groom never showed.
It's hard to believe, but the wedding went off without a hitch.

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI

Have you heard that a rancher has started feeding his cattle marijuana?
It's a very high steaks venture.

My friend told me his mate Jack invented the hot tub.
I said, Jack? Whos he?

Turquoise is the best color.
It's been cyantifically proven.

I accidentally swallowed some food colouring
The doctor says Im okay, but I feel like Ive dyed a little inside.

Son: Dad, I think Im cooked.
Dad: Hi Cooked, Im Dad. Whats wrong?

Son: I burned down a building. Am I going to jail?

Dad: I think you ar son.

An old man goes to the doctor and says, Doc, Ive got a serious problem. I keep forgetting things!
The doctor says, How long has this been going on?

The old man pauses, looks confused, and says,

How long has what been going on?

How do you keep a moron in suspense?
I'll tell you tomorrow