I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend.
She was obsessed with an X.

An Engineer was unemployed for a long time.
He could not find a job so he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: Get your treatment for $500, if not treated get $1,000.

One Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: I have lost taste in my mouth.

Engineer: Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patients mouth.

Doctor: This is Gasoline! Engineer: Congratulations! Youve got your taste back. That will be $500.

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money. Doctor: I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.

Engineer: Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patients mouth.

Doctor: But that is Gasoline! Engineer: Congratulations! Youve got your memory back. That will be $500.

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Doctor: My eyesight has become weak.

Engineer: Well, I dont have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000.

Doctor: But this is $500

Engineer: Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.

I quit smoking cold turkey
Now Im on to brisket and ribs

If Wilson lent Tom Hanks $20...
Tom Hanks would be Owen Wilson.

A lady and gentleman are meeting for the first time
A lady and a gentlemen are meeting for the first time

Her: Tell me about your parents.
Him: I never knew my father as a child.
Her: How come?
Him: Hed grown up by the time I was born.

Are French Army jokes allowed on X (formerly known as twitter)?
If so, Ill retweet.

Went shopping today, and couldn't remember whether I needed beer and eggs. So to be safe I bought both.
Six of one and half a dozen of the other.

Got fired from my job at the bank today
A lady asked me to check her balance so I pushed her

Two math functions are buying a house together. The real estate agen says they need to come in for final paperwork.
They need to Sine and Cosine.

I was going to buy a Nirvana album, but the store was out of In Utero...
So, Nevermind.

My wife saw me weighing myself and said, "No matter how much you suck in your gut, you're still going to weigh the same." ....
I told her, "... I'm just trying to see the numbers..."

Someone told me that black guys like listening to ghetto blasters.
I think thats a stereo type

My wife and I were touring a daycare when she asked the director, Does your facility provide baby bouncers?
I interrupted, Babe, thats not necessary. This is one of the safer neighborhoods.

Why do reporters love Kellogs Raisin Bran?
Two scoops in every box

Why was Captain Picard such a good gardener?
He knew exactly when to, "Make it sow."

I tried drilling for oil once.
The most boring job I ever had.

Why was the coffee fired from his job?
He was always latte

A dishevelled female pig walks into a bar. Bartender asks, "Tough day?"
The pig responds: "I'm a frayed sow."

2 fish in a tank,
one says to the other "do you know how to drive this?"

What kind of monster is the best dancer?
The boogieman.

I just heard some very concerning news. The singer, Sting, has gone missing
The Police have no lead.

A man walks into a shop and asks the shopkeeper: Do you have any of those round batteries?
The shopkeeper responds: Is it for a clock?

I dont know, says the man, thats why I need the batteries!

Let's have a big shout-out for our indefatigable resident bot-spotter...
Thank you, u/Illustrious_Ad4691. Your work is much appreciated!

What did the gangsters friends call him when he got house arrest?
Home boy