I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.

If New York is the city that never sleeps, what is the city that never wakes up?
Ta-coma

My ex wife got struck by lightning...
Shes now my current wife.

My friend was sad because he didn't know the lyrics to YMCA.
I said young man, there's no need to feel down...

A man decides to test his wife
A man thinks his wife might be going deaf, but she refuses to admit it.

So he decides to test her.

One evening, while shes in the kitchen, he stands in the hallway and says softly,

Honey, whats for dinner?

No response.

He moves a little closer and repeats,

Honey, whats for dinner?

Still nothing.

Now hes getting convinced she really cant hear him.

He walks right up behind her and asks one more time,

Honey, whats for dinner?

She turns around and snaps,

For the THIRD time chicken.

How many books are there based on an evil government with thought police?
Estimates put it anywhere from 451 to 1984

What is heavy forwards but not backwards?
A ton.

How does a polygamist hippy count all his wives?
One Mrs. Hippy, two Mrs. Hippy...

Peruvian owls always hunt in pairs.
Because they're Inca hoots.

If earth is the third planet from the sun
Does it mean that all countries on earth are third world countries?

I just got fired from the keyboard factory
I just got fired from the keyboard factory.

They said I wasnt putting in enough shifts.

A guy named Bart walks into a bar, he immediately gets shot and dies. Who killed him?
The Bartender

I put army men in my mug before I go to sleep
Because the best part of waking up

is soldiers in your cup!

Ferris wheel.
A man passed out on a ferris wheel,

Paramedics say he's coming around slowly.

What do you call a slim cow that celebrates Eid Al-Fitr?
A Mooslim.

Chuck Norris (RIP) only had one hand
The upper hand

I change the wheels on cars for a living.
It's tiresome work.

I saw a marble head poking out of the sand, and dug around hoping to find arms and legs...
...alas, it was a bust.

Apparently my dad really liked this one so now y'all get to hear it
Why did Moses shatter the tablets of stone?

It was required under Mosaic Law

Everything was fine until the crabs arrived.
That's when things started to go sideways

How long is a minute?
Depends on your position, namely on which side of the toilet door you are.

MCR Dad Joke I came up with
I got the opportunity to take a photo with My Chemical Romance, but I didnt know if I wanted it to be with Gerard or Mikey.

Then I remembered I can have it both Ways.

My dad was concerned I was addicted to the radio
I told him addiction largely depends on frequency

dad joke from my niece..
Background: My niece loves watching movies but always complains when the internet is slow.

Last night, she was trying to watch a movie on her tablet, but it kept buffering.

She got frustrated and came to me and said,

My movie keeps pausing because its loading.

I told her, Yeah, thats just how streaming works sometimes.

She thought about it for a second and said,

So basically its not a movie anymore.

I asked, What do you mean?

She shrugged and said,

Its a stop-motion film now.

Ive never been more proud.

The phrase do not touch must be terrifying to read
in Braille.