Four math professors walk into a bar
the barman asks: "do you all want a beer?"

First one says: "I don't know"

Second one says: "I don't know"

Third one says: i dont know

Fourth one says: yes please

An armed man robs a bank with 2 CDs glued to his glasses. The cashier hands the man all the money and then says Got to ask, whats with the CDs?
He replies Its my disk-eyes

I was talking to someone about countries having low birthrates and snuck this in.
Me: South Korea had the lowest birth rate but recently got theirs up a bit.

Her: I wonder which one has the lowest now.

Me: I'd have to look it up. I'll do it later.

Her: Do you know which nation has the highest?

Me experiencing sudden inspiration: I think it's the nation of Impreg.

Her not connecting the dots immediately: I haven't heard of it. Do they have a lot of people?

Me: Oh I hear they get a lot of visitors who stay less than a year but few permanent residents. I've been there. It's kinda nice. But some women hate it there.

She asked a few questions with my responses getting more ludicrous until:

Her: Ok, I have to look this place up.

Her looking at her phone: GOD DAMNIT!

Glorious.

Dad, how many people work at your company?
About half of them

Why couldnt the sailors play cards at sea?
The captain was standing on the deck!

I bought a dog from a blacksmith yesterday
As soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.

I asked for a seat swap on my flight to get away from a crying baby.
Turns out thats frowned upon when its your baby.

Gloria Gaynor was hosting a dinner party for six of her friends at her home.
When they arrived, they panicked when finding out one couldn't make it. "That's ok." she told them. "I will serve five."

Ive started a business to weigh very tiny items.
Its a very small scale operation.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked suprised

My wife says Im getting fat, but in my defense:
Ive had a lot on my plate recently.

King Arthur didn't like it when a new Sultan moved into the castle next door...
He turned it into a used Camel lot.

Archaeologist Hubby
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have...
The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.

Had to get a colonoscopy, guess you can say I had a
Cameron Diaz

Why is afraid of water?
Because it's irrational

I was on a date with a woman who kept randomly interjecting our conversation with opinions. They dont make bedsheets like they used to. Quilting is boring. Duvet covers arent worth the money.
Finally I said, Youve got to stop making blanket statements.

What do you call a magician who loses his magic?
Ian

What kind of pasta do cats love?
Vermincelli

I told the police officer that I was the designated driver.
He said, "Fuck off, I'm the one driving us to the station."

What happened when Blue Beard sunk in the Red Sea?
He was marooned.

Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One turns to the other and says, Does this taste funny to you?

What's a coin collector's favorite ice cream flavor?
Mint.

I was looking at my roommate dragging his bike into the bedroom so I asked "why do you need your bike in the bedroom?"
"I want to stop sleepwalking"

My 84 year old dad just told me this one so I thought I would share.

Arnie, Stallone and Bruce Willis decide to make a movie about classical music composers
Stallone: Ill be Beethoven

Willis: Ill be Mozart

SCHWARZENEGGER: ILL BE BACH

My mother washed my mouth with soap for making bird sounds
It was fowl language