Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion.

What do you get when you crossbreed a cow and an octopus?
A stern rebuke from your university's ethics board and an immediate cessation of funding.

A man walks into a bar with a small newt on his shoulder. The bartender said, What an interesting pet. Whats his name? Tiny, the man replied. The bartender said, Thats an odd name. Why did you call him Tiny?
Because hes my newt.

I told my wife Im disappointed in how tight all her skirts and blouses are.
She said, Then lose some weight.

What do you call a romcom where the man chooses the girl because she's the only one around?
The Default in Our Stars

Taxi driver told his passenger to stop eating chocolate because it's bad for teeth
Passenger:But my grandpa lived until age 96. Driver: Because he was eating chocolate? Passenger:Because he's minded his own business

what is Gollum's opinion on smoking?
Stupid, filthy Habbits

Whats worse than a lobster on your piano?
Crabs on your organ

Santa takes pictures of cookies and milk left for him. Rudolph takes pictures of his nose. What pictures do the Elves take?
Elfies!

I decided to write a new version of the orchestral piece "Bolero", where instead of the music beginning softly and then slowly rising to a great crescendo, exactly the opposite happens: it starts loud and lively and slowly diminishes to something soft.
I guess you could say I am un-Raveling the piece.

Someone has just sold me a bottle of odourless perfume.
It doesn't make any scents!

Chuck Norris just got shot
The bullet is in critical condition.

How do you tell the sex of a chromosome?
Pull down it's genes.

This dadjokes subreddit seems obsessed with Chuck Norris jokes.
It's a Van Damme shame.

Im reading a horror story in braille.
Something bad is going to happen, I can feel it.

My daughter said her favorite soda was pop.
Certainly made me feel all bubbly inside!

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye matey

A man goes to see his Doctor
Says Doc, I think my wife is going deaf. She cant hear anything Im telling her. But shes too proud to get her hearing checked. The doctor says, try an at-home test. Stand a good distance away from her and ask her something. If she doesnt answer, move a little closer and try again. See how close you need to be for her to hear you.

So the man goes home, and when he comes through the front door he can hear his wife in their bedroom upstairs. So, from the door he says honey, how was your day? No answer. So, he moves to the top of the stairs and tries again. Honey, how was your day? No answer again. So he goes up to the open bedroom door, looks right at his wife a mere 10 feet away, and says loudly Honey, HOW WAS YOUR DAY?

She whips around and shouts FOR THE THIRD F***ING TIME, IT WAS FINE! HOW WAS YOURS?!

I dont think we do enough to celebrate the African-American who sculpted one of the heads on Mt. Rushmore
George Washington Carver

Missed the aim and the joke.
Wife - "Honey i think I'm pregnant"

Husband - "Seriously?!"

(They go to the doc for a checkup)

Doc - "I'm sorry mam, it was a false positive. You're not pregnant."

Husband - "I guess you can call that a.... Misconception."

I have a friend who goes mad every time he visits the doctor
Hes clinically insane

Does the Dentist of the Month
get a plaque?

There was a time Chuck Norris hit a horse with uppercut.
That's how giraffes got created.

Where do Indian people go when they want a sandwich?
To the Delhi.