My 19yo daughter just dropped this on me: How can you tell if you're having dinner with a termite?
They order the house salad.

I sent my son to his room for saying Jim Morrison was a terrible musician...
Sorry, but we do not slam The Doors in this house.

What did Jay-Z call Beyonc after he proposed?
Feyonc

I dont see whats so great about the bottomless shrimp deal at Red Lobster
As far as I know shrimp dont wear pants anyway

Why couldn't the pasta get into his house?
Gnocchis.

What do you call sheep rolling down a hill?
A lambslide

Did you know animals can go on vacation????
Where do sheep like to go on vacation ? - Baaaaahamas

. . .. I broke up with my GF Lorraine because I was seeing another woman named Claire Lee . .. .
. .. ..The good news is that I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone . .. .. ..

Why do Canadian cowboys have sticky feet?
Maple stirrups.

What did the Roman emperor say when his female prisoner escaped?
Julius, seize her

Did you hear about the two antennae that got married?
The ceremony was ok, but the reception was AMAZING!

Scientists found that even after clinical death a persons eyes can still function for a short period of time
It's mostly because the pupils die-late.

You know what's worse than ants in your pants?
Uncles

The son came home from school a bit sad. Mom goes "what's wrong?" The son said "my math teacher said I probably need some new eyeglasses for math." The mom looked confused.
Then the son said "she said that it can help with division".

My Girlfriend is pretty rare
she's still pink in the middle

Some guy has been doing all the stuff on my To Do list...
Every single item says "Mark completed"

Bobby Flay has a sister who is also a chef
Her name is Sue

why did the Mexican take anti-anxiety medication? . .. .. ...
its for Hispanic attacks . . ..

You know what they say about gossip....
Could you tell me? What everyone's saying about gossip?

My dad told me the jurasskicked joke again
Last time I laughed at that, I fell off my dinosaur.

Dad: "Name a country without the letter R in it."
​

Son: "No way!"

General knowledge
The smartest guy in the army

A museum in Paris, France recently gifted the painting Impression Sunrise to the band Dire Straits.
When asked about it, lead singer Mark Knopfler said the band felt honored to get Monet for nothing.

I bought two books about decision making
And I dont know which one to start first!

How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.