My father worked 12 hours every day just to put food on the table.
Amazing man, but slowest cook ever.

I accidently glued myself to my autobiography.
That's my story and im sticking to it !

Elton John bought a treadmill for his pet rabbit.
Its a little fit bunny.

(My 19 yo daughter just made this up and Im so proud!) How can you tell if you are having dinner with a termite?
They order the house salad.

How do you turn a duck into a 1970s Soul Singer?
Put it in the oven until its bill withers

If your child is becoming addicted to trigonometry, you need to intervene as soon as possible.
Do not ignore the sines.

A teacher asks her class if they can use the word contagious in a sentence
A girl raises her hand and says, the flu is very contagious.

Very good, the teacher replies, and then asks if anyone else can.

A boy raises his hand and says, my neighbor was painting her house by herself, and my dad said it would take the contagious

If they made a soap opera about bees
they could call it Days of Our Hives

I broke my finger last week.
But , on the other hand , im okay.

I ordered a book on scamming. Cost me a fortune.
Im still waiting to receive it

Whats the difference between light and hard?
Its easier to fall asleep with a light on

What do you call a speedy Indian driver?
Ray Singh

Which animal can tell time?
A clockodile

- My sweet sweet son

I was going to procrastinate today
But I decided to put it off until tomorrow

So you wanna hire a sad clown for your son's birthday party?
You can do it, but it's frowned upon.

What do you call a pizza with just peppers on it?
Pepperonly pizza

What kind of shoes do ninjas wear ?
Sneakers.

A man had a heart attack at a bookstore and died because medical teams couldn't reach him in time.
He went to a Borders without Doctors

A woman on a bus is suddenly overcome with the urge to break wind.
She tries to let go a squeaker but instead lets loose a loud, hearty blast.

The entire bus goes silent, and the embarrassed woman desperately tries to think of something to say to the man sitting next to her.

"Um ... do you have a transfer ticket?" she finally asks.

"No, I don't," he replies. "But when we pass the next tree, I'll try to grab you a handful of leaves."

Whats the difference between a sock and a camera ?
One takes 5 toes and the other takes pho-tos

I've always wanted to be a doctor.
But I didn't have the patients.

Hey Americans, want to hear a Belgian joke?
i get 1-4 for you.

Wheres the worst place to hide in a hospital?
The I.C.U

I told my therapist that I'm afraid of letters...
She said, you are? And then I started screaming! She then said, oh I see and that's when I started screaming louder!

Why did they cutoff WiFi at the farm?
Because the cows kept downloading Moo-sic