Why was the snowman digging through a basket of carrots?
Because he was picking his nose
Ariel, why do you wear seashells?
Because B-shells are to small and D-shells are too big.
My first 3-teen eyeroll in the wildI'm so proud of this I have to share.
I was at a sporting event last night with my wife and some friends. We ran into an old college connection in the hallway - whom happens to be dressed as the grinch with full face paint.
Before parting ways, informed us he was looking for his girls. Three teens in sparkly Santa hats. Hadn't seen them and moved on.
About 20 yards through the crowd and wouldn't ya know, they walk right into us. One of my friends says, "hey, your dad is looking for you."
"What?" One of the girls is surprised.
My friend replies, "your dad is in the grinch costume, right?"
"Yeah," all three respond in unison.
My friend points down the hall, "he went that way."
Quickly, my face lights up, seizing my moment, "and heads up, he's really mad at you three."
They turned to me. Their bubbly demeanor vanished as their faces turned pale.
"Yeah, he was really upset with you. So upset, in fact, that his face was GREEN with anger."
Instantly. I mean INSTANTLY, all three at the same moment realized they'd been got. Their faces sunk with that "irritated but also ashamed I fell for it" look. They pivoted. And while all four of my group were laughing, they turned to seek out the dad who was probably not at all upset with them.
I'm still living in the splendor of that moment today like I woke up after winning the championship!
New York and Minnesota are opposites. New York is where the Big Apple is and Minnesota is where the...
...Minneapolis
I quit drinking for good
.
.
.
... now I only drink for evil.
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts.
It's called "leave me the fuh cologne"
What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather?
A shoe.
Why was the letter E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest of the letters were naughty
What is the title to guns and roses christmas album?
Welcome to the Jingle.
Whats the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the regular alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
Where do English people shop for groceries?
The British aisles
I cannot stop reading Tolkien, but only the parts with Gollum.
I guess its just a bad hobbit.
Say what you will about Die Hard, but it has the best ending for a Christmas movie
Hans down
They say that sniffing rosemary will improve your memory. I tried it once.
Then she hit me. I dont remember much after that.
I started reading a book about the history of glue.
Im stuck on the first chapter.
Scientists presented a box that would prevent chickens from eating seeds
Experts say that the solution is impeckable
What did the crowd yell when Jesus stole the ball, dribbled past the defenders and threw down a monster dunk?
He is rizzin!
Im afraid of being in a small space with lots of Santas.
I think its called Claus-trophobia.
Prayers before going on a blind dateWoman : Oh God, please dont let him be a serial killer, a psychopath, a needy incel, a stalker, dirt poor and living in his mothers basement poor, balding with a bad toupee, a lisping hunchback
Man: God, dont let her be fat.
How often does the dance club DJ take a break?Every unce in a while.
unce unce unce unce
I went out for dinner last night and I'm very proud of myself from walking out the bar sober
My wife had to burst my bubble though because it was a salad bar
What muscle car do they drive in Norway?
The Fijord Mustang.
Whats the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken.
I made up a new word,
it's called plagiarism.
My teenage daughter was being snarky with me the other day, so I told her "don't get testy with me young lady!"
"No I'm not!" she exclaimed, "I'm a girl! I'm getting ovary with you!"