A miner is driving to work and gets pulled overThe cops asks: Where are you going, whose car is this, what do you do for a living.
The miner responded: Mine.
8 hours of sleep each night, perfect diet, exercise every day, mental health on track, zero alcohol, zero debt and extremely hydrated.
This was my peak. I was 8 years old.
It finally happened. The legendary Holy Grail of dad jokes occurred at the dentist today.
I was at the dentist's front desk needing to reschedule my appointment.
Receptionist: "How about tomorrow?"
Me: "Sounds good. What time?"
Receptionist: "2:30."
I froze, locked eyes with her, and slowly began to grin.
Me: "Are you serious?"
Receptionist: "Umm... yes?"
Me: "Are you telling me I have a dentist appointment at Tooth Hurty?!"
She completely lost it. I think I've officially peaked as a father.
Why are there poptarts but no momtarts?
The pastryarchy
Someone came up to me outside and said "I thought you'd be younger"
I said, "I was".
This world has 10 kinds of people
Those who can count in binary, and those who can't.
This world has two types of people
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
What do you call a $2 chicken?
Buck buck
My brother convinced me to go halves on a used funeral car...
I can't believe I was so easily co-hearsed.
My internship in Helsinki has come to an end
It has Finnished
Youre paid how often?More than two jobs and as many decades ago, an employer set us up with a benefit and each of us had to sit with a rep to enroll.
Eventually he got to me, and went through his standard questions, some of them the same response company wide.
Youre paid weekly with a pregnant pause as he knew the answer, and before he could start the next question, I responded,
Yes. Very weakly.
I spent my life savings on pasta
And it was worth every penne
Why did the girl not go on a second date with the generous fisherman?
He gave her crabs.
If you think you can come up with a better joke about big cats than me
Youre lion.
What kind of Doctor do you only find at his house wearing a pager?
An On-Call-ogist
What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire
If I owned a DeLorean
I would drive it from time to time
Snacks.I'm proud to say my house doesn't have any unhealthy snacks in it.
Because I ate them all.
Why cant a T-Rex ever win Mr. Olympia?
Because it cant handle a steroid
Did you know that 65 million years ago a lady named Sarah opened the first dinosaur blouse boutique
She called it Try Sarahs Tops
When I was a kid I always wanted a Toyota
I had Han, Luke, 3PO, and R2-D2, but never had Yota.
What did baby corn say to momma corn?
Wheres popcorn?
My wife said her new gynecologist is a charming Southern gentleman. During her appointment, she asked if she needed to have her breasts screened.
He said, Yes, maammogram.
What do you call a professor who's absolutely crazy?
An academia nut!
My wife was in labor for 20 hours but we got the baby out
We just had to find a solution to the escape womb