I visited Mecca, Medina & Riyadh, guess what I saw?
I Saudi Arabia.

Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris is said to be recovering well from his death last Thursday.

Asked My Date To Meet Me At The Gym, But She Never Showed Up...
Guess the two of us arent going to work out

Where do lizards go after their tail falls off?
The retail store.

How many Latinos does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just Juan.

cancer doesn't beat the dad jokes
Context: my dad has an aggressive brain tumor and we had to put him into hospital a few days ago because his condition worsened alot. I visitied him yesterday and he's weak and can barely talk.

Nurse comes in and says "Hello Mr. XY I will give you a ride to the lung X-Ray now"

My dad gathers all his strength that he still has to say "Hope i don't need a ticket"

I laughed and cried. It took him 5 tries until we could finally understand him

What is the difference between a well dresssed man on unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle ?
attire

I was very upset when my wife told me our son wasn't mine.
Then she said I should pay more attention when I pick the kids up from school.

Taking a family trip to the pyramids isn't a good idea.
Especially if you have mummy issues.

I found a guy kayaking in my attic when I got home from work today...
It turns out he was a ceiling rafter.

How do you show appreciation to an android veteran?
Thank you for your servos.

If two vegans are having an argument
is it still considered a beef?

Receptionist answering phone at Dermatologist office, Hi, how may I assist you?
Caller, Im reporting that a small, furry creature with tiny eyes and looks like no ears is digging tunnels in my yard.

Receptionist, May I ask why you are telling me that?

Caller, The doctor told me to let him know if I saw any suspicious moles.

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life.
He was right, I feel ten years older already.

Next time, Im just taking the bus.

If anybody wants to know why Gen X is always mad..
It's because we had to replace our record collections with a tape collection, that we had to replace with a CD collection, that we had to replace with an MP3 collection, and now we need a subscription to listen to music.

Whats the difference between a beer nut and a deer nut?
A bowl of beer nuts is about $1.80, but you can always find a deer nut under a buck.

Word choice is very important.
For example, "Doctors Without Boundaries" can't be a charitable organization.

A very old joke my dad (RIP) told me about 50 years ago
What did the driver say to the hitchhiker with 3 eyes, no arms and only 1 leg?

"Aye, aye, aye, you look 'armless - - 'op in!"

Why did the robot lizard go to the doctor?
He had e-reptile dysfunction!

What do you call a German who hates saying hello?
Guten intolerant

Both sides of the aisle...
I love politically incorrect jokes... this is one of my faves...

Benjamin Franklin was a great American President.

When I was a kid, bedtime was 9:30 pm. I couldn't wait to be a grownup so I could go to bed anytime I wanted.
Turns out that is 9:30 pm.

If you think gas prices are high you should see chimneys...
...theyre through the roof!!

I've got a new job - trying to find the smallest species of Ursus
To be honest I do the bear minimum

Why did the Misers name their son Attention?
So that when he got to school, every time the other students were caught day-dreaming or nodding off in class, the teacher would require them to pay him.