Blond skipping home from school
Jenny, a blonde girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
Is it because I'm blonde?" Jenny asked.
"Yes, It's because you're blonde," said the mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good, Jenny," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, It's because you're blonde."
The next day Jenny came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"
And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 24.
A woman tells the dentist, "I need a tooth pulled, and I don't have time for the numbing shot. Just yank it."Dentist: "What a brave woman! Which tooth is it?"
Woman: She turns to her husband. "Show him your tooth, dear."
I took the shell off my racing snail to make him go faster
Unfortunately it just made him more sluggish
When my wife and I went on our first date, she offered to split the bill. I told her, Absolutely not.
Youre on your own if youre eating that part of the duck.
I was reading instructions on how to build stairs but I had to quit
Way too many steps!
What did the zebra say the first time he saw a piano?
Dad?
What does a laughing motorcyclist ride?
A Yamahahaha.
My wife isnt talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday.
....Im not sure how. I didnt even know it was her birthday.
A Russian woman marries an Australian GentlemanA Russian woman married an Australian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Melbourne. The poor lady was not very proficient in English but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some
chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way
to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
(Please scroll down.)
What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English! Now get back to whatever you were doing. I don't know about you sometimes
Do you know what happens when the average number of bullies in schools goes up?
The mean increases.
16 sodium atoms go into a bar
Batman follows them
I said to my wife Theres only one thing that scares me during Halloween.She said: "Which is?"
I said: "Exactly"
Why doesn't the Navy have any good wrestlers?
Because they're often in Sub Missions.
Most active famous athletes fly first class.
But retired ones? Coach.
As a dad of a 2-year-old girl...
...I just realized that no matter how kind my daughter is, a German kid is always kinder.
What size shirt do psychics wear?
Medium.
In high school, I once had a teacher who never farted in public...
Regardless, she was an excellent private tutor.
My friend says he drives a stick.
He doesn't, he drives a car.
Have you heard the rumor about butter?
Nevermind, I'm not going to spread it. -- from my 12 year old son.
Where do zombies shop for brains?
The gross-eerie store
Home Renovation
Been busy renovating an old house. Told my wife I needed to run out and pick something up at the Home Depot. She said, Why? We already have one of those. Wouldnt Walmart be more appropriate?
Whats the difference between dad joke and a divorce?
My wife never asks me for a dad joke.
I don't appreciate mimes.
They just don't speak to me at all.
Why did they stop using cranes at the construction site?
They consistently made foul decisions. That and beavers made better engineers.
Hand-written road sign: "Farm Shop Ahead. Homemade Sausages For Sale."
"100 Yards Left."