What does a robot do after sex?
He nuts and bolts

My kids told me I have every board game except one.
I had no Clue.

I opened up a shop that sells erectile dysfunction pills.
I called it "No Hard Feelings"

Wife yells from upstairs: "Hey do you ever get a really sharp pain in your heart area, almost like someone is using a voodoo doll against you?"
Husband: "no"

Wife: "How about now?"

A cupcake and a doughnut go on a date.
The cupcake says "I'm a Capricorn. How about you?"
The doughnut says "I'm a torus."

My grandad keeps buying cheap knockoff electronics from ebay. He keeps insisting the speakers are Sony, the subwoofer is Bose, but they definitely arent
I find older people often have a problem with misleading stereo types

What do lumberjacks like doing on the internet?
Logging on and logging off.

There's nothing sexier than German women doing handstands.
They really turn my Frauen upside down.

Man: I invented a thought-controlled air freshener
Woman: That's ridiculous Man: It makes scents when you think about it.

Why should you never take sides in an argument at the dinner table?
Trick question! It's the perfect time to take sides because no one's paying attention. Bring Tupperware!

I dont usually tell dad jokes in the shower
But when I do, he screams, GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!

Somebody asked me to join the tattered tie club.
I said, frayed knot.

What's the crappiest punctuation mark?
The colon.

At a doctor's appointment today he asked me if I drank or smoked cigarettes.
Told him I prefer to smoke them

Did you hear the duck finally quacked?
It confessed all its quimes.

I choked on a piece of broccoli during dinner last night. All I kept thinking after was.....
A donut wouldn't do that to me

If anyone knows how to repair broken hinges,
My door is always open. . .

My kid asked if he was unique. Im like, Not only are you unique, youre milonelion. He said, What does that mean??
I said, Youre one in a million.

Once I had a cross-eyed girlfriend, it just didn't work out. We just couldn't see eye to eye!
Now that I think about it, she may have been seeing someone on the side!

Why is maple syrup always sad?
Its sappy.

I use to date this girl who would count every single step she took.
Wonder what's shes up to now

What did the escalator say when it stopped working?
Nothing. It just stops and stairs.

If you suck at playing the trumpet
Thats probably why

Why does my food taste so bad?
I got it from the gross-ery store.

The repairman looked at my dryer and said, This is going to take 40 days to fix. Im like, Forty days?.. why??
He said, Its Lint.