A gynecologist was having a midlife crisis and decided to leave the medical profession to become an auto mechanic.He went to an auto mechanic school, studied hard and eventually it was time for the final exam.
He was amazed when the exam was returned with a grade of 200 and is amazed and said, I thought the highest you could score on the test was 100."
"It is, normally, the instructor replied.
But I gave you 50 for taking the engine apart correctly, 50 for putting it back together correctly and the extra 100 for doing it through the muffler.
A man did not like his wifes cat.One day, he put the cat in his car and took it to the end of the block and let it go.
When he got home he saw that the cat had beat him home.
Undeterred, he put the cat in the car and took it a few miles across the city and let it out of the car again.
Upon returning home, he was astonished to see that the cat had beat him home again.
Determined at this point, the man took the cat and drove him across the city, over the river, through the woods, and clear across three counties before putting the cat outside and driving off.
Several hours later the mans wife was at home when the phone rang. She picked up and it was her husband.
Is the cat there? He asked.
Yes she replied.
Well put him on the phone, Im lost
My daughter said, Daddy, I saw a deer on the way to school this morning.
I said, Thats great, but how did you know it was on its way to school?
What do you call an Irish alligator?
Croc O'Doyle!
What are a kidnappers favourite type of shoes?White Vans.
Ill show myself out
I drank holy water with laxatives
Im about to start a religious movement
What do you call a bullet-proof Irish man?
Rick O'Shea
What do you call a bull thats sleeping?
A bull dozer.
When my dad walked in my room with some young guy wearing skinny jeans, eating avocado toast, I asked, Who's this guy? Pops grinned and said...
"This is my hip replacement!"
I was rushing out the door to work when my kids came running downstairs yelling, Dad, wait! Play with us! Then I noticed theyd drawn all over their faces with permanent marker. One had an ace of clubs, one was a nine of diamonds, one a queen of hearts, and my youngest had a jack of spades.
I said, I cant believe you kids did this Ill deal with you later.
Why was the vampire grumpy?
He had a bat attitude?!
I just crumpled up every piece of comedy I ever put on paper, and threw it at my wife
All my jokes went over her head
What kind of trousers does a ghost hunter wear?
Just a paranormal jeans.
Why did the chemist join a dating site?
He got lonely periodically!
Why are surgeons good comedians?
The leave their audience in stitches!
How do you lure a pervert? (NSFW)
Just add the NSFW tag.
Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants?
Because they give him case ideas! (Quesadillas)
If a seagull flies over the sea, what flies over the bay?
A bagel!
What do you call a person who only goes on dates with prostitutes?
A buy-sexual.
A father asks his daughter: What did you learn in school today?She says: Well, we learned about gravity, math, and history.
The father smiles. Thats great! Can you explain gravity?
The girl says: Sure! Its the reason you cant fall off the Earth.
The father nods. Very good.
Then he asks: What about math?
She replies: Thats easy. Its the reason you cant fall asleep in class.
Why do ducks have tail feathers?
To cover their butt quacks
Galactic bounty hunters turn me on
What can I say, I have a Boba Fettish.
Before "Listen, Linda," we had "Listen, listen! The cats pissin'!"
I used to hear this from my dad all the time growing up. He'd say, "Listen, listen! What, what? The cat's pissin'! Where, where? There, there! Quick, quick! Get the gun! Aw shit, he's done."
Did you hear the carbon and hydrogen went on a date?
It was a bonding experience.
When the moon hits your knees and you mispronounce trees
Sycamore