There is to be a British spinoff version of Stranger ThingsIt will be called:
Bit Odd In'it?
My husband left me because Im insecure
No wait, hes back. He just left to go get pizza.
Why was the broom late?
It over-swept.
What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree.
I asked my dog whats two minus two.
He said nothing.
I guess Daft Punk didnt like my soup
They kept saying one more thyme.
A guy took his date to promWhen they arrived they had to wait in a very long line to get in. Once inside they waited in a line to use the restroom, they waited in line to get their pictures, waited in line to get on the dance floor, and waited in line to get some snacks. He went to get them something to drink and was surprised.
Much like this joke there was no punch line.
What do you call a home with an insecurity problem?
An apartment complex.
Thanks to the Fourth Amendment, becoming a US citizen cured me of my neurological disorder
Now I have some real protection against unreasonable seizures.
Scientists got bored after watching the Earth turn for 24 hours.
So they called it a day.
Why do crabs never volunteer?
Because they're shell-fish.
Vampires never really grow as characters
Its almost like they cant self-reflect.
This is my step-ladder.
I never knew my real ladder
Im so tired on my holiday at the minute
I took a trip to New Zealand and I havent slept since last year!
Dozens of people were involved in an altercation at at the nudist camp.
Police had never seen such naked aggression!
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.
What's the difference between an outlaw and an in-law?
Outlaws are wanted
At the gas stationYesterday morning I lucked out and was able to buy two boxes of ammo.
I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home, but stopped
at a gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was
filling up her car at the next pump.
As she walked past the truck to go pay for the gas, she glanced at the
two boxes of ammo, bent over and leaned in my passenger window,
and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fella.
Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"
I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of ammo 'ya got?"
I haven't seen her since.
During one battle, rebels attacked the troops with pepper spray and mustard gas.
Those troops are now seasoned veterans.
My friend Tony asked me not to say his name backwards.
I asked: Ynot?
I tripped over my wifes bra getting out of bed this morning.
I think it was a booby trap.
My New Years Resolution is to stop being so condescending
And in case you werent aware, condescending means talking down to people.
What did the keen mountaineer name his son?
Cliff.
Claimed I made a German pastry for Christmas. Wife found out I had purchased it from Aldi.
When she confronted me I just smiled and said " Ya got me. Guess I'm guilty of Stollen Valor."