Paid $500 so my son could play High School Football
Terrible investment. All I got was a quarterback.
The service at the T-Rex Caf is terrible.
They're always short-handed.
What fairground ride is made of metal?
The ferrous wheel
What do you call a Sith Lord thats from the South?
Darth Yall
Whats Medusas favorite cheese?
Gorgonzola
1.5M pounds of hot dogs, etc. are being recalled
To be frank, it's terrible.
Whats the term for being kicked off of Greeces largest island?
Being ex-Creted
I'm sitting on the couch, hiding from all forms of exercise. If anyone asks...
I'm in the Fitness Protection program.
What do you call a criminal landing an airplane?
Condescending.
There was a break-in at the local Apple Store...
...the police are looking for iWitnesses.
$100s.
What do you call a wreath made of $100 bills?
.....Aretha Franklins
(Please don't block me)
"I'd like to buy a muffin with chocolate chips".
"Sorry, we only take cash".
What do you call a parrot that can't fly?
A walkie-talkie
The longest word
SMILES
THERES A MILE BETWEEN EACH S
I bought some coconut shampoo today
But when I got home, I realized I don't even have a coconut.
What should you do if youre attacked by a group of clowns?
Go straight for the juggler
I told my wife. I thought she drew her eyebrows a little too high.
She looked surprised.
My foot fell asleep this morning
Guess you could say I was coma-toes
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but saran wrapPsychologists looks up and says, "I can clearly see you're nuts"
yeah
I watched the new Transformers movie and Optimus seems to be weaker and slower than he used to be
I guess hes past his prime
What's the most enjoyable Chinese dish to eat?
Chow Fun
I dated a woman named Sue Dunimm.
I found out later that wasnt her real name.
What kind of haircut do bees get?
A buzz cut!
I asked my wife to stop shaking the orange juice before she pours it, but she keeps doing it.
Thats so damn agitating.
Why do French people eat snails?
Because they dont like fast food