I met a genie once. He gave me one wish. I said I wish I could be you.
The genue saud, "weurd wush but U wull grant ut."

I was breastfed until 3.
But enough about my day, how was yours?

I read that the U.S. government is going to stop making the one-cent coin. What a disaster!
Millions of Americans will be left penniless.

Where do rappers keep their vegetables?
In the beet box.

Finally - I got an amused smile from my wife after a Dadjoke/Pun
We were on a bushwalk today and for several dozen meters I farted audibly - perfectly in synch with each step.

I commented, Fart, Step, Fart, Step, Fart, Step .. Then paused and said, I guess that makes me a step-farter
(I am actually a step-father to her adult kids, so it seemed extra appropriate)

She actually gave an amused smile, when she normally groans or refuses to respond. Finally - a win!! Yes

I used to have a car with wooden body, wooden tires, wooden seats and wooden lights.
But I got rid of it, because it wooden start.

Why do celebrities always use the elevator?
To avoid the stares.

What did Zelensky tell his pet bird?
Glory to you, crane!

Why was Sauron not as dark as Melkor?
Because Melkor was Morgoth

I lost my job at the bank on my first day.
an old woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

For now, Im giving up on geometry jokes.
Ill circle back later.

My sister is a bartender. She just broke up with her boyfriend..
But he keeps asking her for another shot

Why do pirates were thermal underwear?
To keep their booty warm

What do you call a waiter that keeps topping off your beverage?
Phil

I told my doctor that I broke my leg in three places..
He said you probably need to stay away from those places..

The other day I was out on a boat when a giant squid appeared and tried to make me laugh.
It was kraken jokes!

What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a tricycle?
Attire.

A priest, a doctor, and a golfer are waiting at a tee while a painfully slow group plays ahead of them.
After watching them take forever, the golfer finally explodes:

What is wrong with these guys?! Theyre terrible!

The caddy nearby says,

Oh, you didnt hear? That group is made up of firefighters who lost their sight saving people from a burning building. They play once a week.

The priest bows his head and says,

Thats so tragic Ill say a prayer for them tonight.

The doctor says,

I know a specialist who might be able to help restore some vision.

The golfer pauses, then says

Why cant they just play at night?

What do you call a Jamaican super hero?
Spider-Mon

They added a third sail to that tall ship.
Now it gets more miles per galleon!

I went to the supermarket to buy two cans.
I ended up with a couple of massive bills.

Where should you store your dad jokes?
In a dadda base.

Apparently the Mandalorian hates animal-based protein supplements
He disses the Whey

Did you hear about the microsurgeon who enjoyed performing quick surgeries on insects?
He has also done one on the fly.

I sold my vacuum the other day.
All it was doing was collecting dust.