As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"Y"Know one would had been enough

What do you call a wreath made of $100 dollar bills?
Aretha franklins.

For a bit of fun, Im making a chart of my past girlfriends.
I have an ex-axis and a why?-axis

What do you call a detective who investigates electricity?
Sherlock ohms...

Sorry, I couldn't resistor

Why cant you hear a librarian going to the bathroom?
Because they shhhhit

What's the name of that Irish guy that bounces of everything?
Rick O'Shea

My buddy stole my thesaurus
I have no words to express how angry I am

If the king sleeps on a king bed, and the queen sleeps on a queen bed, where does the prince sleep?
On an heir mattress.

If the stork is the bird that delivers the babies, what is the bird that prevents pregnancy?
The swallow.

Three golf clubs walk into a bar the putter orders a beer, the wedge orders a tequila the third one saids.
Nothing for me. I'm the driver

If you have to get a circumcision, its best not to know in advance.
Ignorance is briss.

What do you call a sick lawyer?
Illegal

A man ended up in the hospital after swallowing a bunch of dollar bills
No change is expected

My friend told me to guess the number he was thinking of. I said 4, but it turns out it was 8.
I guess I was half-right.

One of my Students asked me Mr China is that your real last name?
No I replied its actually my Made in name

I asked my girlfriend what's the opposite of a ton. She, with full confidence, said "lite as a feather."
I respond back, "no its not."

My girlfriend told me I give up too easily.
Oh well.

What do you call Tom Hanks when he's constipated?
Forced Dump.

Im writing a book called Grandfather Clocks
Its about time

Christmas
What was Father Christmass wife called? Mary Christmas.

Did you hear about the dog arrested in Dublin?
He was an Irish terrier-ist

Pirates are some of the horniest people on the planet.
They're always talking about chests and booties.

What kind of music do Santas elves listen to this time of year?
Wrap music.

Im writing a book on reverse psychology
You shouldnt read it

My wife just asked me if I know what it's like to eat an entire box of Sicilian pastries.
I said, " I cannoli imagine it."