A city man was driving through the countryside when he saw a farmer with a massive herd of cattle.
Impressed, he pulled over and asked, "That's a fine herd you've got there. How much milk do they produce each year?"

The farmer asked, "Which ones? The black cows or the white cows?"

"Let's say the black ones," the man replied.

"They produce about 10,000 liters a year," said the farmer.

"And the white ones?" asked the visitor.

"They produce about 10,000 liters a year too," the farmer said.

Puzzled, the man asked, "Well, what about their feed? How much do they eat?"

"Which ones? The black ones or the white ones?" the farmer asked again.

"The black ones," said the man.

"They eat about 20 kilos of grass a day," the farmer answered.

"And the white ones?"

"The white ones eat about 20 kilos of grass a day too," the farmer said.

The man, now thoroughly confused, asked, "Why do you keep asking me 'which ones' if the answer is always the same?"

The farmer replied, "Because the black ones are mine".

"Ah," said the man. "And the white ones?"

"The white ones are mine too," the farmer answered.

Why don't spies fart in bed?
Because it would blow their cover

Why did the stadium get hot after the game?
Because all the fans left.

What do you call a guy with no shins
Tony

I just got a job in a factory making plastic Draculas
There are only two of us on the production line, so I have to make every second count

I told my son it was time for his nap.
He refused to go lie down, so with a heavy heart I had to report him to the police. He was resisting a rest.

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my word.

I tried opening a restaurant for indecisive people
The menu just says Whatever.

My wife told me to stop calling every small repair a project
So now theyre limited-time household events.

After the flood
After the flood, all of the animals from the ark went forth and multiplied, except for the snakes. Try as they might, the snakes couldn't have any babies. They finally came to Noah and Noah told them that he'd pray about it and get back to them the next day with an answer. Noah did just that, and the next day he came back to relay what God had told him. "Just build yourself a bed of logs and mate there." The snakes did as they were told, and the next thing you know, there were baby snakes slithering around all over the place. Noah went back to God to report to him that his instructions had worked perfectly. But he had to ask how this worked. God said, "Very simple. When you use logs, even adders can multiply."

My kid walked in with his new Middle Eastern friend from next door and said, Dad, guess what? My new friend is WAY cooler than all the other kids on our street!
Kneeling down I said, Buddy, Im excited you two are getting along but you really shouldnt compare Yousef to others.

My conspiracy theorist uncle just moved into a ranch style house to get away from stairs.
He claims they're either up to something or down for anything.

What did the melon say when his lawn was looking dry?
"I guess it's time to water-ma-lawn..."

Conversation on an airplane
Jack was sitting on a plane getting ready to depart to New Orleans when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale with shaking hands.

"What's the matter?" Jack asked.

"I've been transferred to New Orleans there's crazy people there, the guy replied. Theyve got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools and the highest
crime rate."

Jack replied, "I've lived in New Orleans all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own
business, enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed stopped shaking and said, Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

Me?" said Jack.
I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

What do you call an angry triangle?
A pyramad

Did you hear about the fight at the chippy?
The fish got battered and the chips got A-Salted

Did you hear how Richie Cunningham was cheated out of his savings?
It was a Fonzie scheme.

Why was the pirate considered so cheap?
He was only paying a buck an ear.

Happening in a diner
A waitress at a diner gave a man his check.

As he got up to leave
he put down the amount
for the check and three cents for the tip.

The waitress noticed this
and said, You know, I can tell a lot about a person by each of the coins that are left.

Man: Okay, what do these pennies tell you about me?

Waitress: This first one tells me you are very thrifty.

Man: Hmm. Yes, that's true. Go on.

Waitress: This second one tells me you are not married.

Man: Yes, that's true too.

Waitress: And this last one tells me your mother wasn't married either.

What does Fozzie Bear like to put on his tacos?
guaca guaca guaca

At dinner my date said, Not to be too forward on a first date, but are you more right-leaning or left-leaning?
I said, Oh, my legs are actually the same length.

I tried buying 3 dozen muffins with chocolate chips at the local bakery
They only accept cash or credit cards.

In today's news, a man accidentally overdosed on Viagra.
The wife is taking it hard.

I wrote a childrens potty-training book in the style of French existentialist philosophical disquisitions.
Its called On Wee.