A snail walks into a bar with a girl on his back.The bartender asks: What are you?
Snail: I'm a snail.
Bartender asks: Who's that on your back?
Snail: Michelle.
Why is the word dark spelled with a K instead of a C?
Because you can't C in the dark.
My dog frequently helps me out when I forget things. This morning while I was in my car he came sprinting down the driveway. I asked what is it today boy?
Dog: *pants*
I felt very naughty making my pickle flavored bread.
I was squishing my dil-dough all over the table.
What kind of pants does a ghost hunter wear?
Just a paranormal pants
I've decided I'm going voluntarily mute.
I'm not telling anyone.
What's your opinion of people made entirely out of footlong sandwiches?
I think they're subhuman
I hear editors hate having to quote texts with errors.
One was heard saying "I'm sic of it all!"
What do you call sixty minutes of pain?
An oww-ur
I hooked up with an electrician last night. The chemistry was shocking,,,
,,,but she definitely knew how to flip my switch.
I once dated a girl named Demi...
But no More.
What room will you never find in a zombie's house?
The living room.
Can we all give a shout out to the sidewalks?
They kept us off the streets
HAPPY INTERNATIONAL CAPS LOCK DAY!
Sorry, didn't mean to yell
Went to the doctor with a suspicious looking mole
He said they all look that way and I should have left him in the garden.
I ran into a lady at a Vegan restaurant who said she knew me
But I never met herbivore
The workers down the coal pits rarely have major problems...
...it's normally just miner issues.
Whats the difference between a pun and a fart?
A pun is a shift of wit
When I worked in the Netherlands I had Eggs Benedict most days for breakfast. Sadly we dont have it very often back in the UK.
How I miss my Holland days!
I live on Thebe St
Its the best
How do you pick up a one legged hitchhiker?
You tell him to hop in
I saw 2 blackbirds stuck together today....
They were Velcrows.
I've reduced my wine consumption to just one glass before bed
I went to bed 7 times last night
I was hunting with some friends when a deer ran away.
My buddy said, Oh deer,