90 year old man hears a knock at his door, he opens it to see a stunning woman. She says Im here to give you super sex. He replies
Ill take the soup
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician simply performed the same tricks over and over again
There was only one problem: The captains parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting out in the middle of the show. Look, its not the same hat! Look, hes hiding the flowers under the table! Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades? The magician was furious but couldnt do anything, it was the captains parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean and, of course, the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days. After a week the parrot finally said:

Okay, I give up. Whatd you do with the boat?

A snail slithers into a car dealership one afternoon and slowly makes his way onto the showroom floor. The salesman does a double take but decides not to ask questions. Can I help you? he asks.
The snail studies the room carefully, then points with his antennae at the fastest, most expensive sports car in the showroom.

I want that one.

The salesman blinks. Thats a high-performance model, he says cautiously.

I know, the snail replies. Fully loaded.

The sale goes through like any other. There are negotiations over price, discussions about warranties, debates over extended coverage and optional upgrades. Floor mats are considered. Financing is reviewed. Eventually, everything is agreed upon.

Just before signing, the snail makes one final request: a large red S painted on both sides of the car.

The salesman pauses, considers it for a moment, then nods and moves on without comment.

The car is rolled into the shop and prepped for the cosmetic upgrade. Under bright lights, technicians carefully paint an elegant, shimmering red S on each door. The letter is bold and unmistakable, standing out dramatically against the sleek black finish of the carclean lines, perfect curves, impossible to miss from a block away.

The car is rolled back to the showroom. The snail inspects the red S, wiggles his antennae once in satisfaction, and climbs in.

Shortly after, the snail peels out of the lot, tires screeching as the sports car rockets down the street.

The salesman watches the snails car disappear into the sunset. He leans back, shakes his head, and mutters, Wow

Look at that S car go.

How to right good
1) Avoid alliteration. Always.
2) Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3) Avoid cliches like the plague. Theyre old hat.
4) Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
5) Be more or less specific.
6) Writers should never generalize.
Seven. Be consistent!
8) Dont be redundant; dont use more words than necessary; its highly superfluous.
9) Who needs rhetorical questions?
10) Exaggeration is a billion times worse than an understatement.
11) Never write one words sentences, period.
12) Think long and hard before your write anything that could be misconstrued as a sexual innuendo.
13) Never put things in parenthesis (under any circumstances).
14) Above all else, be concise. Dont carry on and on. No one likes to keep on reading and reading and not go anywhere with it. Make sure that your reader understands what you are trying to convey in as few words as possible.
I remember when air was free to use at a gas station. Today i paid $3 to put air in my tire. Do you know why we are paying for air ?
Inflation
Whats the maximum size of a mans hand?
Eleven and a half inches.

Any bigger than that Its a foot.

I told my bed were just friends
but we still end up sleeping together every night.
What do you call it if your mother is less than 5'3 in height?
A minimum...
I'm reading this book about an immortal dog...
It's impossible to put down.
G-R-O-A-N...

  1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.

  2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.

  3. Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.

  4. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.

  5. If youre bad at haggling, youll end up paying the price.

  6. Just so everyones clear, Im going to put my glasses on.

  7. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.

  8. I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.

  9. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.

  10. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.

  11. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.

  12. My friends and I have named our band Duvet. Its a cover band.

  13. I lost my girlfriends audiobook, and now Ill never hear the end of it.

  14. Why is dark spelled with a k and not c? Because you cant see in the dark.

  15. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.

  16. When I told my contractor I didnt want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.

  17. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, Oh no, not U2 again.

  18. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, its a whole sentence.

  19. Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a persons walk, and the result was staggering.

  20. Im trying to organize a hide-and-seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

  21. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I wont lie, it was a rocky road.

  22. What do you say to comfort a friend whos struggling with grammar? "There, theyre, their."

  23. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, Aisle B, back.

  24. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.

  25. Ive started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. Its all about raisin awareness.

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Im reading this book about sandpaper
turns out its a work of friction!
Did you hear about the two pieces of bread that got married?
It was a perfect ceremony and reception until someone decided to toast the couple.
There was a 60's sitcom about a family of cheese makers.
The Muensters.
Can you get someone with a sweet tooth to sleep with you? How do you do it?
Piece of cake.
What's the hardest thing about learning to ride a bike?
The asphalt
The masseuse was making jokes instead of paying attention to my massage
I told him he's rubbing me the wrong way.
Where do fish keep their money?
In the river bank
I take a ruler to bed with me every night....
...so in the morning I can find out how long I slept.
What did the vinaigrette say to the refrigerator?
Close the door I'm dressing
What do you call an event where you sing in an Indian restaurant?
Curryoke.
What do you call a book club thats been struck on the same book for years?
Church.
Why aren't Swedish guys good in bed?
Because they can't Finnish.
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to treat grizzly bears unless its been given a STRONG anesthetic, proving true the old adage that
Theres safety in numb-bears.
I commented to my wife about how remarkable it was for my gambling to bring our whole family together.
We had moved to a smaller house.
Why should you never fight a dinosaur?
Because you will get jurasskicked.