If a king sleeps on a king sized bed, a queen on a queen sized bed, what kind does a prince sleep on?
An Heir mattress

NSFW-ish
If thousands of people play with themselves at the same time, is this called massturbation?

I was stuck in traffic behind a car with the license plate: G4ND4LF.
No idea who it was, but he didn't let me pass.

Why didn't Robin Hood or his Merry Men need Viagra?
Because they all lived in the Sure Wood forest.

(And before anyone says "This isn't a dad joke! Would you tell this one to your kids?!?!" I would like to say that I sure would!)

My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape.
That would be a big step forward.

What book of the Bible is only 80% truth?
Ruth

I bought my wife a brand new iron for Valentines Day, but she got mad and refused to take it.
So I added it to my golf bag.

I applied for a job in Taiwan, but I was rejected.
They said I didn't have enough of a Type A personality.

I like to imagine that the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the brella
But he hesitated.

My wife and kids are leaving me because they say Im obsessed with horse racing.
Im looking out the window at them now

And theyre off.

Just found an old DVD of Jerry Maguire. Favourite part is when Renee Zellwager says "You had me at Ahoy"
I must have a pirated copy

NASA is going to launch a rocket to say sorry to the aliens.
Its called Apollo G.

My friend told me that drinking beer would make him smarter...
But, I don't think anything would make my Budweiser

My daughter quit her job to become a drug dealer
Now I'm on the hook for 8 years of pharmacy school.

My wife asked me why I left the grapes out in the sun after the BBQ on Sunday
I had my raisins

SpongeBob isn't the main character of SpongeBob Squarepants.
Everyone knows that Patrick is the star.

What do you call two zebras that are best friends?
Zebros

My fiancee said that she'll only agree to marry me if I get over my obsession with ambulances.
I can't wait to get down on one knee.. one knee.. one knee.

My boss asked me why I only get sick on weekdays.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.

I bought shoes from a drug dealer once.
I dont know what he laced them with but I was tripping all day long.

I need everyone to wish me luck. I'm going to the bank and if all goes well, I'll be completely out of debt.
I'm so excited, I can barely put on my ski mask!

You don't need a parachute to go skydiving
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice

Ofcourse I talk to myself...
Sometimes I need an expert's opinion.

A "This actually happened" moment.
My wife just found some Rennie in one of her coats. The following exchange occurred:

Her: "Oh save that."

Me: "For a Rennie day?"

Her: The cold silence of someone who simply does not appreciate that level of genius wit and intellect.

Im a big fan of anti-gravity
I just dont like people who hover