My buddy's daughter dadjoked him. They were having breakfast,
...his daughter said: "dad you snore a lot, you know there's an app for that right?" him: "oh really? what's it called?" her: "app-nea".

My dad was always a "If you got up there on your own, you can get down on your own" sort of man. Fantastic father.
Terrible air traffic controller.

Hit a bird with my car left a small dent
Body shop guy say "looks like mynah damage"

A kid just finished writing a paper for class.
He typed the title: 1000 Ways To Cure An Itch to finish it off.

Just as he was about to hit save the screen went black.

He did all he could to get the computer back on so he could save his work.

After a few minutes the boys dad walked in and said, The power went out.

What do you mean the power went out? the boy asked.

The father responded sarcastically, No juice.

I just finished my paper for class and I didnt get to save it! exclaimed the boy.

Which paper? asked his dad.

1000 Ways to Cure an Itch, the boy replied with

a frown.

His father smothered a laugh and said, Well, I guess youll have to start again from scratch.

My doctor said I was going deaf,
That was very difficult for me to hear.

I saw a Korean martial artist holding out a basket of donuts. When I asked to take 2, he said no.
I replied can I at least Taekwondo?

Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind it's tearable.

Ive decided to marry a pencil.
I cant wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.

Why don't monsters eat ghosts?
They taste like sheet

Two inert gases walk into a bar...
Nobody reacts

Don't try to make a belt out of herbs.
It's a waist of thyme.

Why did the banana go to the doctor?
He wasn't peeling well

What happened to the girl who ate bullets?
Her hair grew out in bangs

I did really well in that class about marijuana and communism.
I got high Marx.

What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.

Where do Volkswagens go to retire?
The old volks home

What do you call a can opener that's broken?
A Can't opener.

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One of them is pretty heavy, the other is a little lighter

50 cent was hungry
58

Don't know if this is a scam but I just received a text saying I'd won $250 cash or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute night.
It says press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.

My wife took 4 separate pregnancy tests and they all came back positive....
.... How am I supposed to provide for 4 kids!!!!

I accidentally handed my girlfriend a glue stick...
I accidentally handed my girlfriend a glue stick instead of chapstick. She still isn't talking to me

Did you hear the Energizer bunny got arrested?
It's true. He was charged with battery.

My nickname at school was Scarface.
I was really good at knitting.

I was brought in for questioning after being accused of stealing things from peoples yards.
The detective told me not to take a fence.