Asked my wife if she knew that Bruce Lee had a brother who didnt tolerate joking around. She rolled her eyes and said, Seriously?
Im like, Oh youve heard of him!

I think I was born upside down
My feet smell and my nose runs.

You might think this is funny but its snot.

I thought this terrible one up this morning. Sorry in advance
Why do egg whites never try to be funny?

Because nobody will get their yolks!

I will see myself out

My wife said she's leaving me because of my Star Wars obsession
So I said: may divorce be with you.

How many optometrists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
1, or 2? 1... Or 2?

[Classic] My wife was giving me the silent treatment after an argument in the car. She saw a field of cows and muttered, your relatives?
I said, Yes.. in-laws.

Pirate Ship Captain: I am desperate. Can someone tell me how to write the number 2 in Roman numerals?
Crew: I I Captain.

My eye doctor just informed me that I'm colorblind!!!
That news really came out of the purple for me.

Why are cops always early?
So they can beat the crowd!

As a boxer I had the worst defence ever.
Hands down.

Why don't eggs tell jokes?
They'd crack each other up

A little boy ran up to me and said "please help, my Dad is in a fight". I followed and we came across two men fighting. I said, "Ok, which one is your Dad"?
"I dunno, that's what they're fighting about".

Some food still on dads plate
Waiter: You wanna box for that?

Dad: Nah, Im not going to fight you for it.

What fruit can never marry?
Cantaloupe

What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand?
Quatro cinco.

Don't panic if your pet crow doesn't wake you up in the morning.
There's no caws for alarm.

Im writing a book about a French undercover spy.
Whose name is Harry and his cover is that hes a green bean farmer.

Im calling it: Harry Covert

I clogged the toilet again today
I didn't know I had it in me.

As a kid, I connected all the polka dots on our Dalmatian.
Remarkably, it was a dog.

I'm reading a book about antigravity...
I'm having a hard time putting it down!

Dad jokes
i dont often tell dad jokes.... but when i do, he laughs!

What did the upside down cow say to the other cow?
Woo

A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the old wild west.
He said: I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.

What did the axe say when it had to go to work?
I gotta split!

What kind of race is never run?
A swim race