A wife walks in on her husband playing on his PlayStation.
"The house is still filthy! I thought I asked you to sweep the house!" she says.

"I did" replied the husband, "I found no hostiles"

Arial and Helvetica Walk Into A Bar
Arial and Helvetica walk into a bar.

The bartender says, Hey, we dont serve your type. Get outta here before I call the Serif!

Get a load of this newbie, Helvetica scoffs. Whats your name, bartender?

Roman, says the bartender, flustered at being hassled on his first shift, but what does that have to do with anything?

Helvetica leans in. You better get with the Times New Roman, she jeers, because someone shot the Serif!

What?! gasps Arial. Do you mean to say this whole town is Sans Serif?

I bought a pair of sneakers from a known drug dealer.
I dont know what he laced them with,

but Ive been tripping all day.

Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church, and Reverend Thibodeaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road.
They were both standing by the road pounding a sign in the ground that read...

Da End is Near Turn Yo Self Round Before it Be Too Late

As a car sped past them...the driver leaned out the window and yelled... You religious Nuts!

From the curve they heard screechin tires and a big splash...

Boudreaux turns to Thibodeaux and asks... Do you tink maybe da sign should jussay...Bridge Out?

r
No, usually they are round

Lance is an uncommon name nowadays
But in medieval times, people were named Lance a lot.

Breaking News: A Yorkshire city has gone missing.
The police say they have no Leeds.

I think I figured out why most Stephen King books are set in the same state:
It's easy to write Maine characters.

I've been trying not to speak with a twang anymore.
I'm going through withdrawls.

James VanDerBeek
Theres been a lot of celebrity deaths lately and usually its a good idea to hold off for a while before making any jokes. But with James VanDerBeek, I dont wanna wait

How did the man get locked out of his pasta factory?
He had no key

My wife said shes thinking about writing a book.
I told her it was a novel idea.

I've got an addiction to cheddar cheese.
Its only mild though.

Anyone else notice all the generic comments from new accounts?
Ive been seeing lots of comments like, Good one! I had to think about that for a bit from newish accounts all over this sub. Anyone else notice this? Whats going on?

How do you get 100 math teachers into a room that only fits 99?
You carry the 1.

I asked my wife what time the gym she goes to closes
Wife: 10pm on a week night.

Me: OK. And what about on a strong night?

A man is starving in the desert when he sees a bacon tree in the distance.
When he makes it over to the tree, a robber steps out and points a gun at him.

The man says, "whoa, I just wanted some of the bacon from the bacon tree!"

The robber grunts and says, "This ain't no bacon tree. This is a hambush!"

Scandinavian teams are really good at curling
They might even sweep the medals

Give a man a plane ticket, he flies for a day
Push a man out of a plane, he flies for the rest of his life

Knock knock. Who's there? Yoda Lady
Yoda Lady who?

Are we in the Alps?

What does a vampire call his Valentine?
His ghoul-friend.

I was teaching my son some astronomy, and he just couldnt focus. I pointed up to the stars and said, You think this is a joke?
He said, No, Dad, this is Sirius.

I asked my wife what she thought of the first draft of my mystery novel. She said, "Its okay so far, but why does the main character keeps saying 'shadow, shadow, shadow, shadow'? It makes no sense!"
I'm like, "Babe... it's called foreshadowing."

Why did the NSA whistle blower spend the entire winter in Russia?
He was Snowden

A duck waddled into a bar
after climbing on to the stool, the bar tender approached and asked him what he needed. The duck asked "do you have any duck food?"

The bartender angrily said "this is a human bar, we don't have any duck food, and we don't serve ducks. I'm gonna need you to leave and not come back."

The next day the duck returns, climbs up to the bar and asks if they "have any duck food?" One again, the bartender angrily told him "no" and to immediately leave and not come back.

The duck returned the next day, and the day after that, asking the same question.

Finally, the bartender, ready to kill the duck, tells him if he returned 1 more time, "I'm going to nail your stupid little webbed feet to the floor!"

The duck left.

To everyone's surprise, the duck waddled in the next day, climbed up to the bar as the bartender, losing his shit, approached. The duck calmly asked "do you have any nails?" The bartender, looking confused, said "of course not, this is a bar." So the duck replied ..

"Do you have any duck food? "