How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Trump says its fixed, and they all stand around clapping in the dark.

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

My wife yelled at me to take the spider out.
We went out for beers. Nice guy. He's a web developer.

Whats Trumps favorite garden.?
Kinder..

Im gonna invent a device that sprays perfume with mind control.
It makes scents when you think about it.

Turn bands into food. I'll start.
Fleetwood Mac and Cheese.

Why didnt the lifeguard save the hippie?
He was too far out.

I just burnt 2500 calories in 20 minutes
I forgot to take the brownies out of the oven.

I've been quoting too much Brittany Spears
Oops... I did it again

Why are UFOs always so clean?
Because nothing escapes the vacuum of space.

Why was the dentist disappointed with his long service award?
Because all he got was a little commemorative plaque

Hey doc, do you think I can administer my own anesthetic?
Sure, knock yourself out

My husband asked me to show him my wild side.
So I opened Safari.

You heard of those fruit sexuals?
They find bananas appealing but they only come in pears.

Farmer Bob
Farmer Bob was devastated when he received a John Deere letter from his city slicker girlfriend. He was however hellbent on making a success of his life. He soon reaped the rewards of his amaizing groundbreaking efforts and can now enjoy the fruits of his labour. He was since nominated for the Nobel Peas prize and is now living off the land with his new protractor girlfriend..

Im trying to make a joke about furniture
And sofa, I cant come up with anything.

Went to an airshow today, and saw a RedBull stunt plane going all out. I pointed it out to my nephew who immediately came at me with...
It used to be a stunt car, but RedBull gave it wiiings.

I nearly died laughing, I was so proud of him in that moment and really wanted to share the humor with some like minded folks. (I am a dad, just not his dad.) Anyone else find some truly inspired dad humor from unexpected places?

When I was a kid, I wanted to be a historian.
But those days are all in the past.

I'm working on a device that can read minds
I'd love to hear your thoughts

I met a microbiologist this morning.
She was a lot bigger than I thought.

There are three kinds of people in the world
Those who can count, and those who cant.

A little boy ran up to me shouting "Please help, my dad is in a fight!"
I ran over with him and saw two men going at it. I asked, "Which one is your dad?"
He said, "I don't know, that's what they're fighting about!"

Teacher: use contagious in a sentence
Me: I saw my neighbor painting her house with a toothbrush. I said: it will take this contagious to get it done.

I was chatting with a friend from the UK about elevators vs. lifts
Turns out we were just raised differently.