I used to have an uncontrollable obsession with buying large boats.
Thankfully, the antibuyyachtics worked.
What does a robot do after sex?
Nuts and bolts
My sister met her husband at a Scrabble tournament 20 years ago.
Next week they are going to renew their vowels...
A sheik is trying to buy up every fish and chip shop in the UK
He's called Sultan Vinegar.
How much smaller is the EU after Brexit?
1 GB.
I was shocked to read in the papers today that a midget has been pickpocketed...
How could someone stoop so low...
This is my cake day joke
It has layers
Our hearts go out to the family of Bob, after his unfortunate accident with the combine.
He is very much mist.
Despite common beliefs, Pontius Pilate didnt invent Pilates
He invented CrossFit!
Our hearts go out....
To all the autopsy surgeons in the world.
Where do Zombies Usually Live?
Dead ends.
Have you heard of the benefits of dried grapes?
Im all about raisin awareness.
Where do baby ghosts go while their parents go to work?
To day scare
Possibly my finest hourMy wife and I came down with whatever violent cold is going around, sneezing, coughing, miserable. We got over it, but just couldn't shake the cough. After a few days, I was talking to a friend about it, and he mentioned getting an over-the-counter thing that really helped, so I bought a couple of boxes online. When they were delivered, my wife saw what they were and immediately got upset.
"You know I just got cold medicine a few days ago! You could have just asked where it was, and now we've got boxes and boxes of the stuff, and we'll have to store it, and it'll just be sitting around for years, and....."
When she finally wound down, I said, "You're right, I shouldn't have gotten it. I should have known you'd get upset. It even warned me."
"Huh?"
"Yeah, it says here on the box: 'Expect a rant.'"
The critics loved my painting of a Jack in the Box.
They said I really mastered the art of surprise.
There's a new competitor for Discord on the internet.
It's called Datcord.
What did the zombie want with Rapunzel
BRAAAIIIIDS
What did the dismissive cheese say when I told it a dad joke?
Kayso?
I used to be a night stocker, but now I just check people out.
Grocery store joke.
I was arrested for playing loud music in a vegetable garden.
Charged with disturbing the peas.
What do you call a pensioner who just scored 3 goals?
Gerry hat-trick
My dad's penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records.
Until I told him to take it out
Started my new book on the Steeworkers of NYC and cant put it down.
The first chapter was riveting.
Jackhammer technology has come a long way
You could even say its groundbreaking progress.
Where do archeologists race?
The Indy 500