My dad was a conjoined twin.
We referred to him as my uncle on my fathers side. Dont worry, they were surgically separated so now hes my uncle once removed.

How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of crime?
They just ransomware.

Horses eat hay. What do cows eat?
The udder stuff.

A patient tells their therapist they are afraid the car will get trapped in a tunnel with many people inside.
The therapist asks if there is a name for that specific fear, and the patient replies, "Carpool tunnel syndrome".

What died when it hit the mainstream?
The tributary

I've been terribly depressed lately. I really feel like my world is ending, and the only thing that will make me feel better is a puppy.
This is my cry for whelp.

What has stripes, two legs and looks like half a tiger
The other half of the tiger

I opened up a deer cloning business...
my goal is to make a quick buck.

Do you know what 50 Cent did when he was hungry?
58

Playing the long game
Ever since my son was born when giving him milk, ive always made a production out of it. swirling it around in front of his face, sometimes zig-zaggs, or adding chanting before handing it to him or setting it in front of him. he rolls his eyes like im nuts and thats until today! At ten years old he had a friend sleep over and at breakfast I asked if they wanted milk with their pancakes. the polite young guest said yes please!

well, i hear my son whisper just ignore him hes weird with the milk.

of course i do my bit swirling the milk around in front of their faces making swooshing noises before setting it down.

the guest says, Mr ____, what are you doing? we arent babies

I know, but my father taught me that its very dangerous to drink milk that hasnt been past your eyes.

A huge groan and my son says, Wait! youve been doing that my whole life. it was a setup for a dad joke? this whole time!?!? OMG!

There is a condition called "hypophantasia" where people are unable to envision things in their mind.
I can't imagine what that must be like.

First time contributor, long time lurker.
Knock Knock.
Whos there?
Woo.
Woo who?!?

Man Im proud of this one.

My ceiling isnt the best ..
But it's up there!

What starts with a W and ends with a T.
No really, it does!

Prisoners.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...

They'd be called cellfies.

How does Enya season her food?
Only thyme.

What do you call an Asian man with an amputated leg?
Lim-Ping!

I was given a medal after eating some mashed up chickpeas
It was awarded post-hummusly

I don't care what language I'm speaking. I refuse to use accent characters above letters.
I just find it too stressful

My boss gave me an average rating
I said "that's mean".

We thought our grandmother was having early onset Alzheimer's. So, we made a doctor's appointment for her
After running bloodwork and various tests, come to find out her memory loss was due to drinking too much Milk of Amnesia.

Why does the genie need his lamp to be rubbed in order to appear?
Because hes a frictional character.

What's the difference between black-eyed peas and chick peas?
Black-eyed peas can sing us a song, but chick peas can only hummus one.

Did you hear about the butcher who accidentally backed up into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.

When it comes to farts, everyone knows of "loud and proud" and "silent but violent"...
But there is a turd option...