My wife asked me to spoon in bed...
but I'd rather fork

A repairman came to fix my oven today
He says, I found your problem. It was a bad transformer.

I replied, I think those are called decepticons.

True story.

Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution
A man was driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he saw a sign that said, 'Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 15 mi.

Being tired, he thought it was just a figment of his imagination and drove on without a second thought.

Not too long after he saw another sign that said 'Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 8 mi and realized the signs were real.

When he drove past a third sign saying, 'Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution Next Right' his curiosity got the better of him and he pulled into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot was a stone building with a small sign next to the door:
Sisters of Mercy

He climbed the stairs and rang the bell.

The door was answered by a nun in the customary black habit who said, 'What can we do for you, my son?

He answered, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.

'Very well, my son, please follow me.

He was led through many winding passages and was soon disoriented.
The nun stopped at a closed door and said, 'Please knock on this door.

He did as he was told. This door was answered by another nun holding a tin cup.

This nun said, 'Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway.

He took $50 out of his wallet and placed it in the second nun's cup.

He trotted eagerly down the hall and slipped through the door, pulling it shut behind him.

As the door locked behind him he found himself back in the parking lot facing another small sign.

The sign read:
Go in Peace.
You Have Just Been Screwed
by the Sisters of Mercy

My wife said that if anything should happen to her, I should see other women.
She just stubbed her toe on the bed frame, so I guess I'm avaliable.

How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg.

My car broke down so I took the bus
A policeman showed up at my office and made me give it back

Colonoscopy the movie
Starring Cameron Diaz

What's something a musician can say to his audience but not to his girlfriend.
Thanks for the clap.

I just saw my wife trip over and drop a basket of clothes she just ironed.
I watched it all unfold

What do you call having a conversation on the toilet?
Shit Shat

Why shouldn't you eat the dice at a casino in Las Vegas?
It turns into a game of "craps"

What do you call a dog in winter?
A chili dog

What do you call a cow that had an abortion?
Decaffeinated

It's a Civic Holiday today in Canada (no, really. Every August).
That would explain all the Hondas on the road.

Just wondering what vegetable do you need when your tire is flat?
A-spare-I-guess

What do you get when you cross...
... a newspaper and a violin?

"IDK"

A matter.

"What's a matter?"

Nothing. What's a matter with you??

A guy was so angry with the airline attendant he almost came to blows with him
He was in fight or flight mode.

Bananas are the most knowledgeable fruit
They always got that 4(0)11.

My Latvian friend Antoni loves pasta
Everyone calls him Riga Tony!

A friend told me hes worried about his marriage
His buddy used a page of his wifes daily planner to smoke cannabis. Hes now worried that his buddy is high on his wifes to do list.

Went to the school for the mute alumni reunion...
...can't tell you how happy we all were!

Why did the couple bring a map to bed?
Because they kept getting lost in each other.

Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar.
Batman follows them in.

I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger
Then it hit me.