1.7% of Americans over the age of 30 are married to their 3rd cousin.
Not sure why they didn't figure it out after they married their first two cousins.
Why is 69 afraid of 70?
Because 70 is rumored to be a cannibal but no one can prove who 78.
I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years because I found out she was a communist.
I should have known, there were red flags everywhere.
Where did the 8 go when it fell over?
To and beyond!
A woman asked me if having kids over 40 was okay...
I said NO! 40 is enough!
My mum says I was named after my great-grandfather
makes sense to me, he was born before me.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it leaves you and never comes back.
Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?
No Son, have you seen my dad glasses?
What's one web designer who loves finding bugs?
A spider
An 85-year-old man had to take a sperm count for his physical exam.The doctor gave him a jar and said, "Take this home and bring back a sample tomorrow." The next day the man returned to the office and handed him the jar, which was as clean and empty as the day before.
The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained,
"Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then my left, still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her leftnothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then the teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried toofirst with both hands, then an armpit, she even tried squeezin' it between her kneesbut still nothing."
The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open!"
Why was my post removed?Can someone please tell me why my post was removed?
Im very frustrated because now my fence has fallen over.
Im so sad I have to close my crematorium
I just dont urn enough
What do clowns like to invest in?
Laughing Stock
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.
I went to a fancy party that served mutton on little sticks made out of bone
Now Ive got a bone toothpick with ewe.
I found a 9 volt battery on the side walk one day. Touched it to my tongue to see if it was still good. It was.
I was shocked!
I bought some shoes from a local drug dealer this morning
I dont know what they were laced with but Ive been tripping all day.
What do you call a crazy female deer?
A doe nut.
What animals do not get along?
Polar bears
Earth is pretty dull now
It used to be cooler
My religious parents hate it when I pray to inanimate objects to pass the time.
They are really against idle worship.
In medieval England, Sir Reginald says to his wife, Sweeting, I go anon unto the tavern. His wife replies, My lord, thou must not! After all that hath befallen, thou didst promise to forswear drink forevermore."Hark, I must go," decrees Sir Reginald, "for I have weighty business with Sir Archibald, Sir Thomas, and Sir Gregory. But take heart, my loveI shall have naught but tea and a crumpet. Thou hast my word.
Very well, she says, "Then shall I expect thee home with thy wits about thee.
Sir Reginald enters the tavern and what should meet his gaze but an ENORMOUS DRAGON! He draws his sword at once and cries, Fear not, good sirs! I shall dispatch this foul beast!
But his friends leap up and say, Whoa, whoa, whoaeasy there, Sir Reginald. This is Valkor. Weve been drinking with him this past hour and he is most congenial. Sit with us and hear the dragons remarkable tales.
Oh, says Sir Reginald, sheathing his sword. Carry on, then.
The four knights make merry with the dragon deep into the night. True to his word, Sir Reginald keeps to his tea and crumpets until the dragon turns to him and says, What art thou, a wee maid? Have an ale, thou absolute codfish!
Well, says Sir Reginald, a new friendship with a dragon doth call for some small celebration. One ale cannot undo me.
HUZZAH!
Some ten ales later, the knights decide to take turns riding upon the dragon high above the village. Sir Reginald goes lastand being thoroughly hammered, he swoons mid-flight, tumbles from Valkors back, and falls to his death just outside the tavern.
Valkor gasps, Oh shit oh shit oh shit and promptly flees the realm.
Sir Reginalds wife arrives, wailing, What in Gods name hath happened to my dear Sir Reginald?!
Sir Archibald bows his head and responds gravely, He fell off the dragon.
Will there be glass coffins someday?
Remains to be seen
What do you call a dinosaur police officer??
Triceracop
If a girl is standing outside my house,
can I say, she is outstanding ?