Back in the '80s, punctuation and lizards were very important.
Comma, comma, comma, comma, chameleon...

My girlfriend is like the square root of -100.
A solid 10, but also imaginary.

My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape.
That would be a big step forward.

My wife is furious with me because she found a bunch of hidden letters that revealed I was cheating on her.
Now she refuses to play Scrabble at all.

Smoking in Heaven
A guy is at the Pearly Gates and he sheepishly asks St. Peter if smoking is allowed in heaven. "Well technically yes but..." Oh wow! Really?! Can I have one now?!

'Ok.Reach into your pocket' came the exasperated reply.

Sure enough a full package of his favorites were right there. But then he realizes he needs a light. He flicks his thumb at St. Peter asking for a lighter.

St. Peter says 'Here we go...!

Suddenly thousands of Angels begin singing, an epic parade of the Heavenly Host march towards him with all kinds of pomp and circumstance. Then at the end of the long line of drummers, flag bearers, and horn blowers, one little cherub brings his request on a tiny silken pillow.

The man, completely stunned by what just happened stares at St. Peter trying to get a clue and St. Peter shrugs says

"What'd you expect? It's a match made in Heaven."

I went to the doctor and told the nurse I got bit by a wolf.
She said, "where?"

I said, "no, regular."

Whats the difference between a horse and a pony?
About half a gallon of high quality glue

My wife said the house was haunted.
I've lived here 300 years, I didn't notice anything unusual.

I'm developing a game where you have to go back in time to assassinate Adam.
It's a first person shooter.

My girlfriend said I don't give her enough privacy.
At least that's what it said in her diary.

Did you know milk is the fastest liquid on earth?
It's pasteurize before you even see it.

How do you make an elephant float?
2 scoops of ice cream and one elephant.

What do you call a partially blind dinosaur?
Yathinkhesaurus

Can February march?
No, but April may...

My wife flew into a rage because I kept making Monty Python references
I said "will this be a 5 minute argument or the full half hour?"

I was surprised to learn that mime-on-mime violence is a growing concern..
Apparently we just never hear about it.

I've been telling everyone I know about the health benefits of including dried grapes in your daily diet
To me it's a matter of raisin awareness

Man walks into a bakers
He sees a dessert and asks the baker: Is this a cake or a meringue?

Baker replies: aye its a cake right enough

Why do porcupines win all the games?
Because they always have the most points!

Prince Charming in divorce court
Snow White and Prince Charming in Divorce Court

Judge: So, you want a divorce because your wife is too moody?

Prince: No, I said last night
I came home and she was feeling Happy, then she was feeling Grumpy, then she was feeling Bashful, then she was feeling Sleepy

A blind man walks into a bar...
And then a table,

then a chair.

Why was the elephant not able to become a brain surgeon?
He was not allowed to enroll in the Hippo Campus.

Why is a lettuce?
Just cos

Do you know why i never trust stairs?
​

Because they are always up to something

What does the fish say when it hits the wall ?
Dam