Do you know that Jesus was originally named Gary
But then Mary stubbed her toe.

I recently realised that the colours on the LGBTQIA+ flag are actually all straight
...unless it blows!

At the end of our holiday visit I asked my dad if he approved of my new girlfriend, even though the only job shes ever had was working at a zoo.
He said, Son, shes a keeper.

Is buttcheeks one word?
Or should I spread them apart?

Came up with a terrible dad joke making thanksgiving dinner
My mother-in-law asked me to chop some green onions. I showed my husband and said, See, these are scallions, as he didnt know what they were when he read the recipe. I continued with, and if they make poor life choices, and listened to hip-hop, I guess they would berap-scallions.

My husband groaned. My mother-in-law was dumbstruck. My father-in-law laughed from the other room. I giggled uncontrollably, very proud of my wit.

A priest, pastor, and rabbit went to donate blood. When asked what his blood type was,
the rabit said "I am a typo."

Someone was at an Australian airport going through customs
Customs Agent: "Have you ever committed a felony?"

Person: "I didn't know that was still a requirement."

What do you call cows on a mountain side?
Lean beef.

My dads always complaining about the cost of things..
. "$1.50 for a coffee? $3.75 for a miserable ham sandwich?" Honestly, he was moaning about it all afternoon. Thats the last time I invite him over to my house.

A horse enters a bar
A horse went into a bar and ordered a pint. The bartender said, "You know, you're in here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"

The horse said, "I don't think I am..." and promptly vanished from existence.

That's a reference to Descartes's famous line, "I think, therefore I am."

But if I had explained that before the joke it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

Which band used to drive a truck for Quaker?
Hall'n Oates

Why did the turkey join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.

I just spent $100 on a new belt and it doesn't even fit
Huge waste

If you boil a funny bone
It becomes a laughing stock

At Thanksgiving, I asked my grandma if she could pass the cranberry sauce.
She said, Oh yes it goes right through me.

My wife told me not to buy her something too expensive for her Christmas present.
So I'm buying her new beads for her Abacus..........It's the little things that count.

Whats the worst Christmas gift?
A drill, itll bore you to tears.

What would Batman order in a Bar?
Ice, Just-Ice

*holds up screwdriver*
This is not a drill. I repeat, this is not a drill.

Whats the most uptight food?
Corn dogs, because they all have a stick up their butt.

My daughter ask me if I had seen the dog bowl.
I said, No I didnt even know he could

Went to visit my friend in the hospital and kept getting mildly insulted by everyone I passed. Doctors, nurses, patients, everyone....
Turns out I was in the Burn Unit.

I found out my wife was putting dog food in my coffee
It was grounds for divorce

Whats called when a cow spies on you?
A Steakout

My friend kept saying how much he wanted his own dog evey time he saw my husky... .A week later he came round to show off the German shepherd he just bought ...
Dunno why he didn't just get a dog like he was supposed to