An elderly man named Larry goes to his doctor for his annual physical examination. After running a series of tests, the doctor walks into the room with a smile.
The doctor says, "Larry, your tests look absolutely fantastic. For a man of ninety, you are in remarkable shape! Tell me, how are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself and with God?"

Larry smiles warmly and nods. "Oh, God and I are tighter than ever, Doc. He looks out for me in ways you wouldn't believe. Because my eyesight is getting so bad, He fixed it so that whenever I have to get up in the middle of the night to use the restroom, poof! The light automatically turns on for me. And when I'm all done, poof! The light automatically turns off so I can go right back to sleep."

The doctor is amazed. "Wow, Larry, that truly sounds like an incredible spiritual connection."

Later that evening, the doctor feels compelled to call Larrys house to check in with his wife, Bonnie.

"Bonnie," the doctor says, "Larry is in perfect health. But I just had to call because Im completely in awe of his connection with the universe. He told me that when he gets up in the night to use the restroom, a bright light magically turns on for him, and when he finishes, it automatically goes out. Is that really true?"

Bonnie sighs deeply over the phone and yells, "Oh, sweet Jesus! Hes peeing in the refrigerator again!"

My boss said, I find it highly suspicious that you're only sick on weekdays. I nodded and explained...
It must be my weekend immune system.
This Disney merchandising has gone too far.
The other day, I went to a supermarket and they had a sign for an entire isle of Frozen Food.
Got a warning from the HOA that my dog barks 80 to 100 times a day.
But thats just a ruff estimate.
How did you quit smoking
I decided to smoke only after sex
Im done being a people pleaser.
I hope everyone okay with that.
A beautiful poodle
Three handsome male dogs were walking down the street when they saw a beautiful, enticing female poodle.

They fell all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but ended up arriving in front of her all at the same time.

The males were speechless before her beauty, hoping for just a glance from her
in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decided to be kind and told them,

The first one who can use the words liver and cheese together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.

The sturdy, muscular black Lab spoke up quickly and said, I love liver and cheese.

Oh, how childish, said the poodle. That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.

She turned to the tall shiny Golden Retriever and said How well can you do?

Ummmm...I HATE liver and cheese, blurted the Golden Retriever.

My, my, said the Poodle, I guess its hopeless. Thats just as dumb as the Labs sentence.

She then turned to the last of the three and said, How about you, little guy?

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big on finesse, was the chihuahua.

He gave her a smile, a sly wink, turned to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and said, Liver alone, cheese mine."

I caught some vegans in my basement.
I mean, I think they're vegan. All day long, they keep shouting 'lettuce leaf!'
My wife said I'm the cheapest man in the world...
I'm not buying it!
What do cops wear when they get cold?
A PULL OVER
I went to a special cat Zoo with Tigers, Lions, Panthers, Mountain lions, and Jaguars
Truly a great experience. There were tons of people waiting at each ticket window.

Definitely saw some big fee lines.

Which is the dorkiest state?
Mississippi - it's got four i's
I showed my friend a photo of myself at an R.E.M. concert.
I said, Thats me in the corner.
I was staying at this hotel in Madrid and I got sick
I called the reception to say I was sick and they said that they had a doctor on staff that could help me.

The doctor came up to my room and gave me a few pills.

Im surprised that the place had a doctor on staff, I said.

Yeah. Nobody expects the Spanish inn physician.

Why do people in here get tired of seeing reposted jokes?
Just because you've reddit doesn't mean everyone else has!
A man walks into a bar...
He sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large cigarette lighter.

"Geez, that's a huge lighter...where'd you get that from?"

The guy replies "A genie from this bottle granted me one wish."

"That's crazy! A genie?? can I try it?"

"Sure."

The first guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish" says the genie.

The guy says, "I want a million bucks!"

"Done" says the genie and disappears.

A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and in come the ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks, all falling over each other getting through the bar door.

"I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch Bic?"

Hit my fianc with this one which got a groan
Noah asked God what to do with all the ice for the penguins.

God said, Cubit.

To everyone who said I'd never become a journalist:
I've got news for you.
My kids think I complain so much when I get off the couch
They say I am a groan man.
Some fetuses have a skill that allows them to go through an entire pregnancy undetected
They learn it in the secret cervix
Two pirates are talking. One of them says, You know, you be a real stickler for proper grammar.
The other pirate says, ARRRRRE!
What does a tree do when its bored?
It branches out
Tiny winged magical humanoids operate a boat to take passengers across a river, to the festival they're holding on the other side.
These beings are able to use their magic to determine exactly how much any prospective rider will be able to afford. However, they only offer this opportunity to the occasional passerby.

The Fairy Fair Ferry Fare is squarely fair, but fairly rare.

Tried to get a refund on an incomplete monopoly set.
No dice.
What do you call a broken skunk
Out of odor