Sex in a canoe is like American beer
its fucking close to water.

l just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don't care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

My boyfriend told me I have a terrible sense of direction, I got really mad at him.
So I packed up my stuff and right.

I got fired from the orange juice factory.
I couldnt concentrate.

I could never tell time, so I had a neurosurgeon implant a clock in my brain.
But now Im having second thoughts.

Don't stoop to someone's level when they call you fat.
You're bigger than that.

What does DNA stand for?
National dyslexia association

I asked the chef at my local curry house for his flatbread recipe, but he wouldnt budge.
Turns out he signed a naan-disclosure agreement.

Most people don't know that back in 1912, the Titanic sank carrying 12,000 jars of Hellmann's mayonnaise bound for Mexico...
The Mexican people, who were eagerly awaiting the shipment, were so heartbroken over the loss that they established a National Day of Mourning every May 5th to remember the disaster. It is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet
Its really made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean

My new sweater had a lot of static so I had to return it.
The shop gave me a new one free of charge.

Why is the river not a fun place to swim?
Because its full of bass-turds.

I don't need every detail about the weather from June, July and August.
Just give me the summery.

What's the difference between a sock and a camera?
A sock takes five toes.
A camera takes photos.

yeah

Turns out the Romans are huge cannibalists
Walked along the Colloseum today and all I heard was "Glad he ate her".

Ive been struggling to quit heroin
All my attempts have been in vain.

What do you call a short celebrity?
A dwarf star.

A tourist guide that I had trusted, lied to me and overstated how great this hiking route was....
It was a total B-trail.

My friend sent me message he wrote with his left hand.
He's up to something sinister.

Granny's Birthday card.
I'll always remember my grandmother crying when I gave her her 100th birthday card.

She said "Seriously one would have been enough."

I just saw a group of recumbent cyclists ride past me
They seem like a pretty laid-back bunch of guys

This isnt even a joke. It literally just happened in real life.

My granddaughter just told her son to pick up Mr. Elephant off the floor.
I looked at her, put my finger to my mouth and said to her, "Ssh! We don't talk about it."

HUUURRKKK! GAAAACK! KHHH-KHHH-KHHH! GLUUURRKK! ACK-ACK-AAAACK! HRRRAAAKK! URRRRRGGHHK!
Sorry. That was one of my worst dad chokes.

Be alert!
The world could use a few more lerts.

Did you hear about that camping influencer who became a supermodel?
She was pretty intense.