I told my wife Im disappointed in how tight all her skirts and blouses are.
She said, Then lose some weight.

A man walks into a bar with a small newt on his shoulder. The bartender said, What an interesting pet. Whats his name? Tiny, the man replied. The bartender said, Thats an odd name. Why did you call him Tiny?
Because hes my newt.

Chuck Norris just got shot
The bullet is in critical condition.

There was a time Chuck Norris hit a horse with uppercut.
That's how giraffes got created.

A man goes to see his Doctor
Says Doc, I think my wife is going deaf. She cant hear anything Im telling her. But shes too proud to get her hearing checked. The doctor says, try an at-home test. Stand a good distance away from her and ask her something. If she doesnt answer, move a little closer and try again. See how close you need to be for her to hear you.

So the man goes home, and when he comes through the front door he can hear his wife in their bedroom upstairs. So, from the door he says honey, how was your day? No answer. So, he moves to the top of the stairs and tries again. Honey, how was your day? No answer again. So he goes up to the open bedroom door, looks right at his wife a mere 10 feet away, and says loudly Honey, HOW WAS YOUR DAY?

She whips around and shouts FOR THE THIRD F***ING TIME, IT WAS FINE! HOW WAS YOURS?!

I dont think we do enough to celebrate the African-American who sculpted one of the heads on Mt. Rushmore
George Washington Carver

My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes.
It ended my Korea.

I asked my wife to pass me a cookie and she answered: "I think you have a weight problem."
So I said: "I know. I still wait for that cookie."

I hired a painter to do a family portrait, but he keeps drawing us as Star Trek villains.
Turns out hes a Khan artist.

What kind of music do the sons of Metallica, Slipknot and KISS members make?
Heir Metal

I told a joke to a Hawaiian, to try and make him laugh, but I don't think he liked it.
He just let out a low "ha."

Whats Santas favorite metal band?
Sleigh-er.

A printer and a fax machine got into an argument. The fax machine won.
Because he was spitting fax.

Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It turned in to a field

A woman hurried to a pharmacy to pick up medication for her sick husband. When she got back to the car, she found shed locked her keys inside.
The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground. She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this."

She bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off his bike and asked if he could help.

She said, "Yes, my husband is sick and was in such a rush I forgot my keys in the car. Can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car and in less than a minute the car was open.

She hugged the man and through tears said, "Thank you, God, for sending me such a very nice man."

The man heard her little prayer and replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday. I was in for car theft."

The woman hugged the man again, sobbing, "Oh, thank you, God! You even sent a professional!

Have you ever heard of Cole's law?
It states that for every shredded cabbage, there is an equal and opposite dollop of mayonnaise

Two fish in a tank
One says: How do you drive this thing'

Where did Luke get his cybernetic hand?
The second hand store.

Two guys came to put some curtains up for me.
Curt n Rod

I accidentally erased my wifes audiobook.
Now Ill never hear the end of it!

I have mixed opiniongs about asia.
South Korea is lively but I feel like the rest of asia is seoulless.

What is faster than an escalater?
...

An escanow!

What did the ghost put on its bagel?
Scream Cheese

My dog always knows exactly what time it is.
He's a watch dog.

If anyone gets a DM from me about canned meat, don't open it!
It's spam