I should never have exposed myself in the elevator.
It was wrong on so many levels.

I asked my wife is she wanted to go out to dinner tomorrow and she said yes.
I'm pretty excited to have the apartment to myself for the evening

A bloke down the pub told me his mate Jack was the inventor of hot tubs.
I said Jack, whos he

I heard Celine Dion will be removing all the consonants from her name.
It's a gesture in support of declining farmland in her native Quebec, Canada.

[Wait for it.]

Mother's Day has the lowest crime rate of any other day of the year
I think this shows just how many moms are out there committing crimes that can't that day

I lost 150 pounds in 30 seconds
It's not weight loss, I got pick-pocketed in england

I admit it, I have a small butt.
It's a real assette.

Back in my day, you used to be able to get air for free at the gas station, but now it's $1.
That's inflation for you.

What do you call a naked, 410 mother?
A bare minimum

Someone hit me with a tuning fork
It really hertz

To be frank
Id have to change my name

What kind of doctor was Dr Pepper?

He was a Fizzician.

If you are a big soccer fan no way you would pass on it. A surgeon I work for has 2 VIP tickets to 2026 FIFA World Cup at MetLife Stadium in East Rutherford, New Jersey on July 19, includes a ride to and from the airport, VIP box seats and a pass to the winners locker room after the game.
What he didn't realize when he bought them in January was that it's on the same day as his wedding.
If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.

It's at St. Paul's Church at 3 p.m.
Her name is Ashley. She's 5'4", about 115 pounds, a good cook, loves to fish and hunt and will clean your truck.

She'll be the one in the white dress.

My wife asked where I was taking her for Mother's Day...
Apparently "from behind" was the wrong answer.

What do you get when you cross goat dna with human dna?
Kicked out of the zoo

What's a fat dads favorite construction vehicle?
A fork lift

How did the hamburger introduce his girlfriend to his parents?
Meat Patty.

Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on earth?
Its pasteurize before you even see it.

The guest room
I was staying at my friends house and she said, Ive made up the guest room.

Turns out she didnt actually have a guest room.

What do you call a magician who has lost his magic?
Ian

why does no one know this joke??? did you fall in
im 21f and i say this for EVERYTHING. I know the joke originated from someone taking too long in the bathroom but I evolved it to when someone took too long coming from anywhere, but literally NO ONE knows what im talking about even when I go back and explain the toilet part of it they still never heard of it. If you know what this is give me your age range this could be bc i have older siblings but i really thought it was a commonly used joke!

Something seems to be wrong with my posts
Its why my fencing business is failing

Why did the fork refuse to fight the spoon?
Because it didn't want to stir up trouble!

My GF didnt like her dessert at the restaurant
She said it was very off putting

I told my friend a pun about construction
But Im still building up to the punchline.