My wife fainted onto the baggage carousel at the airport.
Thankfully she came around.

A tub of margarine fell on my foot three weeks ago and it still hurts.
I cant believe its not better

Brake pads
This just now happened...

Went into O'Reilly for brake pads. Guy at the counter said, "What are you needing today?"

I said, "I need brake pads."

He got his fingers on the keyboard and said, "OK, what's it for?"

I said, "It helps your car stop."

Someone just accused me of plagiarism.
Their words, not mine.

My wife said: "That's the 4th time you've gone back for dessert! Doesn't it embarrass you?"
I said: "No, I keep telling them it's for you."

I bought a first aid kit today.
I thought Id treat myself.

Whats better than a dad bod?
A father figure.

I keep mixing up my neurologist and urologist.
The confusion is driving me nuts and pissing me off.

Today I was asked how I view lesbian relationships
Apparently "in HD" wasn't the right answer.

What was Carrie's least favorite class in high school?
First Period.

I recently changed careers from male model to gardener.
I guess I'm a grower, not a shower.

I competed in a sun-tanning contest, hoping to win a gold medal.
I got bronze.

What do you call a nun that can fly?
(A) A bird
(B) A plane
(C) None of the above

As I get older I realise I don't look good in certain things anymore.
Like photos and mirrors for example.

Im proud of all my hobbies. Well, except for my microscope collection.
I look down on that one.

Ive never trusted lizards
Right from the gecko

Why do we always say potatoes have eyes?
They're spectators.

How do confused people double check?
They dot their t's and cross their i's

I saw an elderly man at the supermarket collecting trolleys.
He must have been pushing 70.

Want to hear a word I just made up?
Plagiarism

What do you call a doctor who specializes in testicular issues?
A Guyknowballogist.

Whats the prettiest thing in existence?
Gravity- its universally attractive

What did the horse dress up as for Halloween?
A nightmare.

Did you hear about the cheese factory in France that exploded?....
Debris is everywhere