Promised my wife I'd fix the leaky tap three years ago.
It's a running joke now.

I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.

Did you know Dracula's girlfriend has an onlyFangs?
Heard she was a battie

Auto-targeting the enemy is not a new technology.
It was made a sentry ago

Did you know that Spider-Man has a Winter jacket made out of flatbread?
It's a Pita Parka

My girlfriend told me there was a skinny pervert at the Halloween party last night dressed as a pickle-flavored pancake, making inappropriate comments to all the women.
I said, Sounds like a disgusting crpe.

What's another name for an Asian assassin?
Chinese take-out

What's the smallest knife in the kitchen?
An 8 inch chef's knife.

Seriously -- can you image just how small the knives would have to be for an 8 inch chef to hold them?

(First day as a vet)
Me: What seems to be the problem

Cat: Meow

Me: Yes, but where?

It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But harder to deter gents.

where do you find Bigfoot in the library?
in the large print section

Running.
Got up this morning and ran around the block 5 times.

Then I got tired, so I picked up the block and put it back in the toy box.

My wife looked out the window and asked, How did you finally get our lawn to grow like that? I said, Every morning this week, I sprinkled my protein powder on the wet grass.
She nodded. Ah well that was whey over dew.

King Kong wasnt getting his point across to his fellow primates.
This is a monarchy! he barked. Not a Banana Republic!

I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick instead of her lipstick the other day.
She's still not talking to me.

What do you call someone who teaches dogs to dance?
A corgi-ographer

I'm really good at spelling bees
Bees B E E S bees

My father always told me the best way to build a career is to dress for the job you want, not the one you have.
It didn't go very well when I turned up to the office in a Space suit.

My coworker that I've worked with for 14 years is retiring and I need a good on-theme dad joke to put in his card.
Thanks in advance!

I tried snorting coke once
But I had a bad experience with the bubbles getting into my nose, so I switched to Pepsi

My Italian grandma gave me an old family recipe for spaghetti
It's been pasta down through generations

Job interview
A guy is interviewing for a job at a factory. During the interview, he spots a dime on the floor across the room, walks over and picks it up.
The interviewer says, "You know what, I think you'd make a great boss here."
Surprised, the guy asks, "Why's that?"
The interviewer says because you have super vision skills.

what's the difference between a Vietnamese restaurant and an Indian restaurant?
One is pho profit, the other is naan profit.

Rice-shaped pasta? Doesn't exist
Orzo I thought.