TIFU by accidentally not boarding the right sea vessel in the Navy
Shit, wrong sub

My daughter was doing history homework and asked me what I knew about Galileo
I said he was just a poor boy from a poor family.

To the guy who stole my anti-depressants
I hope youre happy now.

I went on a date the other day with a woman who works at the zoo and I tell you....
....she's a keeper

When I asked my friend, who works in IT, How do you make a motherboard?, he explained...
I usually tell her about my job.

Hoover Dam PSA
Not a joke, but just returned from the Hoover Dam tour with my son, and it was endless Dad jokes like on National Lampoon's Vacation.
"Take all the dam pictures you want", "Let's get in the dam elevator", "Should we get a drink from the dam water fountain",etc.
Endless opportunities!

Where did Benedict Arnold shop for his groceries?
Traitor Joes.

Do you want to see The Odyssey?
You Odyssey deez nuts!

Ive been dropping this joke to my friends over text asking if they want to see the Odyssey and then when they say yes giving this as a reply.

Its the dumbest joke and has absolutely started off my weekend on an amazing vibe.

My half brother and I
arent allowed to play with chainsaws anymore

Hey I saw this chicken at the gym...
....it was working on it's pecs

What do you call an illegally parked frog?
Toad.

The guy who stole my diary died yesterday.
My thoughts are with his family.

What is it called when a chameleon can't change colour?
A reptile dysfunction

I grill the best sausages
Find the link in the comments.

Why was there poop all over the road?
It was the asphalt.

Why dont skeletons ever have sex?
Because they dont have the guts but they still get boned every night.

(My 19 yo daughter just made this up and Im so proud!) How can you tell if you are having dinner with a termite?
They order the house salad.

Why are there so few comics who do stand-up over Zoom?
Theyre not even remotely funny.

My grandfather worked as an elevator repairman for over 30 years. I thought of doing the same thing and asked him if he enjoyed it.
He said It had its ups and downs. Some days someone was always pressing your buttons but overall it was an uplifting job.

I won an award for most modest person.
But I don't think I can accept.

Do you have any sauerkraut?
Well, I can find some Germans, but I cant guarantee their disposition.

How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of crime?
They just ransomware

I Hate McDonalds
Theyre my arch nemesis!

Mountains are not funny
They are hill areas

Why is my friend Chris U going to heaven?
Because he follows Chris T