They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles.
Who the hell runs eight miles in 1 minute?
My mothers ancestors came from England. One of her relatives was a female court jester for King Richard, known as Lois the Fool, and she is credited with inventing the pun!After regaling the King with her witty little snippets of humor, King Richard asked what she called them. She replied, "Puns, Your Majesty, I call them puns."
The King was so impressed he proclaimed to everyone in his kingdom, "Henceforth and forevermore, let it be known throughout this realm that a pun is...
... the Lois form of humor..."
A friend said my wife and daughter look identical like twins
I told him, 'Well, they were separated at birth.'
HOW DO YOU SPOT A BLIND MAN AT A NUDE BEACH?
IT'S NOT HARD!
I caught a fish. I had some trouble identifying the fish, so I asked it are you a mackerel?
And it said nah and then I said are you a salmon and it said nah so then I figured it out! It must be a 2-nah fish
After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends.He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
"What's up with the big brass gong?" one of his guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup," replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch," the drunk replied.
He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly a voice on the other side of the wall screamed...
"You idiot! It's three-fifteen in the morning.
What's the surname of a Dutch criminal?
Van De Lism
Police hunting a robber who stole a book about Stradivarius have warned the public not to approach him...
He has a history of violins
Why don't you find many vampires in the financial sector?
Too many stake holders
I won a Settlement in Court with the Zoo and they paid me in Lions
Its not much, but at least I have my pride
What do you call a shivering bear?
A brrr
If tomb is pronounced TOOMand womb is pronounced WOOM
why isn't bomb pronounced BOOM?
It just might be....................if you're on the receiving end.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns dont work!
Why should Airbus not go bankrupt?
Because if it did, it would have a whole lot Toulouse.
Philadelphia has been accused of not having any dairy in their cream cheese
People are calling it a shmear campaign
I'm accused of shooting a man with a bb gun.
The case is being heard in appellate court...
Don't call a Jewish person a "square"!
It's anti-symmetric!
Did you hear about the skunk who fell in the river?
He stank to the bottom.
My wife was standing by the bedroom window in the middle of the night so I asked her what was wrong.She turned around pale as anything and said, "There's a woman looking at me at the back of our garden."
I said, "You've lost the plot, honey, you're not even in the garden."
My date with the supernatural had gone terrible.
She ghosted me
I saw a sign today that said "Watch for children."
Honestly, seems like a fair trade. I'm getting pretty tired of these two.
Rabbits have taken over the Empire State Capitol.
Its now All-Bunny New York.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?From a ...
...well, actually...
I make over a million dollars a day even though I barely graduated high school.
This job at the U.S. mint kicks ass.
When i beat eggs I like to figure out for how long by myself
it's a calculated whisk