Dad, Im struggling. I just found out I lost my job. My girlfriend broke up with me, Im three months behind on rent, my car got repossessed, and I barely have enough money to eat. I havent slept in days, I feel like my whole life is falling apart, and I honestly dont know what to do anymore.
Hi Struggling, Im Dad.

What do you call a child who starts screaming or crying when you put him/her in Santa's lap?
Claustrophobic

What do you call it when Frankenstein prepares potatoes?
Monster mash.

A genie gave me 1 wish, and I said I just want to be happy,
now I am living in a cottage with 6 other dwarves and working in a mine......

After dinner, I asked my wife, "if chatting alot means you're chatty...
After dinner, I asked my wife,

"if chatting alot means you're chatty, and giggling alot means you're giggly, then what's the word for someone who is cooking alot?"

Wife: "cookie?"

Me: Yes please with milk

Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces.
For example: I'm going to the beer store, and I'm scared it will be closed.

how do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
one will see you later, the other will see you in awhile.

What is a scarecrow's favorite fruit?
Straw-berries

Happy Halloween y'all!

What do you call a really fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.

What are haikus for
I dont see the point of them

Seems useless i think

I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend.
She was obsessed with an X.

According to Bobby Vee, what's the longest word in the English language?
Night - because it has a thousand "i"s.

Why dont skeletons fight each other?
Because they dont have the guts.

A man walks into a shop and asks the shopkeeper: Do you have any of those round batteries?
The shopkeeper responds: Is it for a clock?

I dont know, says the man, thats why I need the batteries!

My wife told me that when she passes, she want me to marry Lauren.
I asked, "Why? I thought you said you hated her."

She said, "I know."

The inventor of the 'knock knock' jokes was finally honoured..
.. with a no bell prize.

An Engineer was unemployed for a long time.
He could not find a job so he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: Get your treatment for $500, if not treated get $1,000.

One Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: I have lost taste in my mouth.

Engineer: Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patients mouth.

Doctor: This is Gasoline! Engineer: Congratulations! Youve got your taste back. That will be $500.

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money. Doctor: I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.

Engineer: Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patients mouth.

Doctor: But that is Gasoline! Engineer: Congratulations! Youve got your memory back. That will be $500.

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Doctor: My eyesight has become weak.

Engineer: Well, I dont have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000.

Doctor: But this is $500

Engineer: Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.

Went shopping today, and couldn't remember whether I needed beer and eggs. So to be safe I bought both.
Six of one and half a dozen of the other.

Why don't ants get sick?
They have anti-bodies.

do youbknow why the barber won the race?
because he took a short cut

What do you call 2 witches leasing an apartment together?
Broomates!

A lady and gentleman are meeting for the first time
A lady and a gentlemen are meeting for the first time

Her: Tell me about your parents.
Him: I never knew my father as a child.
Her: How come?
Him: Hed grown up by the time I was born.

I quit smoking cold turkey
Now Im on to brisket and ribs

I have 1000 jokes to tell you
Actually just 999 jokes, i cant seem to find the 404th joke