ever have sex while camping?
its fucking in tents!

Two guys are robbing a liquor store.
One of them asks he other "is this whiskey?"

The other one says : yeah, but it's not as wisky as wobbing a bank.

In Las Vegas, there are more Catholic churches than there are casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed. Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect all the offerings, then send all the chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting, and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This is done by the chip monks.

I've said it before and I'll say it again...
It.

A father in Iraq
gifted his daughter a new bag.

The daughter replied, 'Thanks for the Baghdad.'

My son keeps trying to set the clocks back, but I won't let him.
Not on my watch.

Its a shame the Beatles didnt make the submarine in their song green.
That would have been sublime.

I guess they made it
My kids and I went to dinner tonight at a local chinese place.

When we left, these 2 ladies followed behind and were bubbling with laughter. They told us this one guy sent back his sweet tea at least 4 times and they were dying of laughter because they watched the workers pour salt, not sugar into the tea.

My 6yo daughter said back to me, "I guess they made it salt tea."

We did it boys.

Near the end of our dinner, my date said, Look, I need to be honest with you. Im expecting a baby.
I said, Im sorry, but I dont have any to give you.

Chickens.
What do you call a person who looks after chickens ?
Chicken tender .

How can you tell a chemist from a plumber?
Ask them to pronounce 'unionized'.

(I love this joke, but I hate that there isn't a good way to tell it aloud.)

I saw a news story about a woman who fell in love with a man who was abducted alongside her.
She was really taken with him.

Did you hear about one of Temus major warehouses burning down?
Estimated damages totaled just under $75.

I love the Lion King movie, but
Mufasa's death Scarred me as a kid

I hear that Hank Hill is in the window business these days.
Hes a pro pane salesman.

Why are horror movies about skeletons less gruesome than zombie or vampire movies?
no guts, no gory

Why do dads love DnD so much?
It builds character.

Stolen from my friend lol.

Which actress makes fun of males?
Nicole Kidman

Who is in favour of bringing Roman numerals back into use?
I for one.

The eraser felt that the pencil didnt like him much, and asked why.
The pencil said, You are always correcting my words.

The eraser said, You have a point.

What did the policeman say when he saw the zebra crossing?
"Why aren't you in the zoo?"

Did you know you can't run through a campsite, you can only ran
Because it's past tents

I was driving my date to her house and told her that I wasn't good with directions; she just laughed at me...
..So I right her left there.

What do you call an elephant that hasn't bathed in a week?
A smellephant!

Ive got something caught in my throat. I think its half Dutch.
Its phlegmish