I am not saying I'm attractive
But when I take off my clothes in the bathroom.... I turn the shower on

I think its a great idea to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit.
But thats just my two scents.

I saw a film that was G, PG-13, and R all at once.
That movie was so overrated.

What happened in 1980s that caused global warming to increase so rapidly?
I was born. And became hotter every year...

I won't do airplane jokes anymore.
Last time I tried one, it didn't land well.

[NSFW] Wifey told me she tried anal with a baguette.
Apparently it was a pain in the ass.

My wife came up with a groaner today: what is a banshee's favorite country artist?
Waylon Jennings

My wife and I decided we dont want to have kids so I went and got a vasectomy.
But when I got home they were still there

I tried to get a loan to write a book about trigonometry
But I couldnt get anyone to cosine

I realized the best name for your car is Link.
Not only is it a Zelda reference, but every time you park, you can say you left Link in Park.

(I just thought of this one today.)

A man was found angrily screaming in the anti-perspirant aisle at Walmart
He was in the middle of a deodor-rant!

Why couldn't the skeleton go to the dance?
He had no BODY to dance with.

My wife asked if I wanted to try roleplay...
I said, "Sure... I'll be the guy who already folded the laundry."

Had to take my ant farm to the vet last week
Doctors told me they were too alkaline wanna know what was prescribed?

Antacid

A man came up to me in the street the other day.
He said, "Derf! Your hair is getting thin!"

I looked at him and said, "Well, who wants fat hair?"

People wonder how my broth manufacturing business took off so quickly. Well, I'll tell you the secret... We started adding yeast to all of our products.
That's what really caused our stock to rise.

With grapefruit
Comes grape responsibility.

When a pedal-driven machine has two wheels, its a bicycle. With three wheels, a tricycle. What is it when it has a ridiculous number of wheels?
Farcical.

(Or perhaps whimsical.)

Its been 3 years since I started training for the ejaculation distance championships
Since then Ive come a long way.

I mixed a laxative in my alphabet soup.
I call it letter rip!

My wife always complains that I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right

I was heartbroken when my wife told me that my five-year-old was not my son.
Then she told me to pay more attention at kindergarten pickup.

I'm trying to remember a word . . .
Are there any tricky, gimmicky ways to remember the word "mnemonic"?

Doctor doctor, I've swallowed my pocket money
Take this and we'll see if there's any change in the morning

I dont understand why people dislike vegans so much
Ive never had beef with them.