Why is Vader called Lord?
Because calling him "Master" made all of the Stormtroopers giggle.

Have you heard about Chris Pine's wife, Sue?
She's really laid back.

What was the last thing Grandpa said before he kicked the bucket?
Lets see how far I can kick this bucket

I just read a book entitled " how to survive falling down a staircase"
It's a step by step guide published last fall.

Did you hear about the chronic masturbator who passed away?
He died after three strokes

I got attacked by one, three, five, seven and nine.
The odds were against me.

I walked past a Vietnamese restaurant today...
...called Pho de Nguyen. Took me sec, but I got it. Ftw!

A true dinner time story
Tonight, we were eating burgers, and one of my kids decided to try to look into the hole in the ketchup bottle.

Kid: Why cant I see into the ketchup bottle?

Me: Because you wear glasses.

Kid: Why does that matter?

Me: Because Heinz-sight is 20/20!

Wife: huge eye roll

It was glorious!

I was just assaulted by man with a block of cheese.
I mean, how dairy!

Henry Winkler has launched the Happy Days Crypto Currency
He denied allegations that it is a Fonzie scheme.

My friend won't stop making bird puns.
But toucan play that game.

I tried to start a new hobby of dangling off famous towers, but i didn't last beyond the first one.
Eiffel.

What do you get when a red ship crashes into a blue ship?
Marooned sailors .

5 out of 6 scientists say Russian Roulette is safe.
The other one could not comment.

What do you call a potato wearing glasses?
A spectator.

I saw an army of babies walking down the street this morning.
I think it was the infantry.

Guess who I bumped into on my the optometrist's office.
Everyone.

Trump's latest executive order bans the sale of shredded cheese
Because the president's policy is to Make America Grate Again.

I bought shredded cheese on accident instead of a block so my wife made me reassemble it.
That was degrating

I couldn't afford good bass speakers for my car, so as a substitute I trained my dog to bark to the beat.
He was a really good sub-woofer.

I bought Stevie Wonder a Cheese Grater for his Birthday
He told me that it was the most violent book he's ever read.

An old man is lying in his death bed...
His son is sitting next to him, with concern and sadness writ all across his face. Suddenly, his father starts laughing, and not just laughing but full on guffawing. The son, startled and astonished, asks his father, "Dad! Why are you laughing? Are you suddenly feeling better?"

His father replies, "No! I just wanted to have the last laugh!"

Jack the lad was speeding along a country lane in his new Jeep, when two farmers on a tractor pulled out of a gate twenty yards ahead.
Jack turned the wheel, smashing the car through the hedge into the field. The car bounced and flipped for 50 yards, then crashed back onto the road and carried on at speed.

The tractor driver turned to his mate and said, "Holy shit! We only just got out of that field in time!"

I tried to get him to give up heroin
But it was in vein