I ran out of clean socks. So I piled all my dirty ones on a tray, grabbed my detergent, and headed down a steep hill from my home to the laundromat. As I was descending, I slipped and fell, sending the dirty socks flying one way, and the detergent flying another way. So there I was...
Sittin' on the sock by the tray, watching the Tide roll away.

If you are looking at joining the military don't become a fighter pilot
it's a tankless job.

What did the German man say when he was asked if hed like 5 Dolly Parton impersonators to perform for him?
He said Nein to five.

What do you call a dog that solves mysteries underwater?
Scuba Doo

I really like the word "wife"
has a nice ring to it

My doctor told me he has to amputate both my arms...
I don't know how i'll handle that.

My kids were playing Scrabble on the floor, so I dramatically stepped onto the board and declared, To be or not to be, that is the question!
My son sighed, Not another play on words

Large birds often get bullied because of how big they are
You could say theyre.

Ostrichsized

I just heard the sad news
About Dolly parting.

One of my employees said they needed bereavement for the rest of the day after hearing about Dolly Parton.
I told her she should honor her memory, finish the day, and work 9 to 5.

I was going to go to a fancy dress party as a traditional Indian woman, but thought it would affect my ability to drive.
So I thought, better safe than saree.

RIP Dolly (stolen from Johnny Carson)
Carnac the Magnificent: A home run, a triple; a catcher's mitt, a 1st basemen's mitt; and Dolly Parton.

Name 2 big hits, 2 big mittsand a country-western singer.

RIP Dolly you were the best

Why did the crab cross the road?
He didn't. He used the sidewalk.

Did you know that birthdays are really good for your health?
The more you have them, the longer you live.

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles
I'm experiencing constant vowel movements

What did the drummer name his twin girls?

Anna 1, Anna 2.

What's the gender of a doorbell?
Male, because it has a ding dong.

What do you call a hooker who is great at keeping time?
Whorologist

If it werent for Venetian blinds
It would be curtains for us all.

What do you call when two people can't decide if they wanna make a deal?
Deal or no deal ordeal

What do you call a Grandma that weighs a tonne?
Megagran

I somehow managed to make it through high school math while only being able to remember even numbers!
What are the odds?

Who wants to wear glasses made of oak?
Eye wood!

Friend in the kitchen industry
One of my good friends owns a kitchen remodeling business, but he tells me he's thinking about narrowing his focus - no appliances, no flooring, lights, fans, cabinets...

I told him such a move would be counter-productive.

MET THE MANAGER OF THE HOTEL, and ALL he did was tell me about ALL the GREAT rooms that he had.
Nice guy and a REAL suite talker.