In other news...
...the sexual position formerly known as 69 will be replaced with 96.

Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up.

Siri, why am I so bad at relationships with women?
This is Alexa.

My boss is threatening to fire the employee who has the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.

Whenever I get self-conscious in social situations, I reach into my pocket and rub a tiny rock.
Then I start feeling a little boulder.

Why aren't French fries actually cooked in France?
Because they are cooked in Greece

My girlfriend and I were setting up camp when we heard someone screaming Help! Help me! from deep in the woods. I immediately dropped what I was doing, wrapped myself in a giant warm pita, and while I slathered on tzatziki sauce, my girlfriend pleaded, Please, stop!
You dont always have to be a gyro.

What does it sound like when a vampire sneezes?
Nosfer-AACHOO!

My father always said, "When one door closes another one opens."
He was a terrific father and a terrible cabinet maker.

What's the price difference between a beer nut and a deer nut?
A beer nut costs 4.99 and a deer nut is under a buck

Teacher: "What do you mean, you ate your homework? Why would you do this?"
Student: "Because you said, it would be a piece of cake!"

Where do hamsters come from?
Hamsterdam

My dog just swallowed some coins!

Very worried, I'm monitoring him closely, but there's still no change.

What did the Indian kid say after the substitute teacher tried to kick him out?
Na imma stay

Who was the most polite leader in world history?
Yessir Arafat

Did you know?
Bob The Builder and Jack The Ripper have the same middle name.

What do you call an undead being that doesn't care whether it eats women or men?
A ZomBi

What is the difference between a Vietnamese restaurant and an Indian restaurant ?
submitted by /u/gssap
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What is a werewolfs favorite Cub Scout event?
Pack meetings!

I saw an army of babies marching down the street.
It had to be the infantry.

My son had just ordered some Chinese food and I asked him what he had...he said 'chicken balls'
I said 'I meant for dinner'

I just injured myself measuring radio frequencies
It still hertz

If there was a pill to cure procrastination
Id probably take it next week

What did the sushi say to the Bee?
Wasbi!

I bet youve never had a hamburger on an airplane. Right?
Because its ground beef.

I knew a cop with epilepsy once
He worked in search and seizure