"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up,said a sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one student rose to her feet.

Now then young lady, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer.

Well, actually I don't," said the girl, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

I used to work with a woman called Ina
Whenever anyone would say Hi Ina, she'd laugh her head off.

I asked the Dr what vitamins are the best to make me feel like I was before I was 13
He said, B12

What do you call a dog on a submarine?
Subwoofer (I'll see myself out)

A blind man walks into a store and starts swinging his dog above his head. A clerk asks him" can I help you?"
The blind man says "no , I'm just looking around."

I was surprised to learn Elon Musk is from South Africa.
Youd think he is from Mad-at-gas-car.

I bought a used dictionary at a local flea market. I got it cheap because someone had torn out both the first few and last few pages from the book.
Trying to actually use the dictionary was difficult, however: it only went from bad to worse.

Why did Trump write in all caps?
He believes capitalism is the only way.

As I got off the elevator, the operator said, Have a good day, son. I said, Dont call me son. Youre not my dad.
He replied, Maybe not but I did bring you up.

I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying.
I can also tell when they're standing.

What do snakes do after they fight?
They hiss and make up.

I wasn't sure about getting a brain transplant
Then I changed my mind.

Even though I drink brake fluid all the time, Im not addicted.
I can stop whenever I want

He died on stage during Macbeth.
A tragedy.

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My Girlfriend says Im cheap
Im not buying it

Where does wire wool come from?
Sheep metal (I'll get my coat)

Why did the tree take a long vacation?
He was over-ELM-ed at work!

Who were the knights of the round table
Whos the knight who moonlights as a geologist?
Sir Vey

Whos most the agreeable knight?
Sir Tenly

Whos the Knight who used to be a slave?
Sir Vent

They closed the local bridge today...
I still can't get over it.

Confucius.
Confucius say , To get attention from Doctor, one has to be patient.

My girlfriend said I have no sense of direction.
So I packed my things and right.

Whats the difference between a bad joke and a dad joke?
The first letter!

Whats brown , wrinkled and lives in a cathedral
The lunch bag of Notre Dame

I'm proud of my 13 yo daughter. I told her to load and run the dishwasher.
She said the dishwasher can't run... it's got no legs!

I'm glad to see my teaching has not been wasted.

Little johnny
Hey dad I can't stop running in circles. Be quiet or I'll nail the other foot down too.