An elderly man accidentally rear-ended a brand-new sports car.
The young driver jumped out, furious.
"LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO MY CAR! You owe me $10,000 right now, or I'm going to beat you half to death!"
The old man looked shaken.
"Oh my goodness," he said. "I don't have that kind of money. Let me call my son - he trains dolphins. He'll know what to do."
"DOLPHINS?" the guy scoffed, rolling his eyes.
The old man dialed his phone. Before he could say a word, the angry driver grabbed it.
"So you're a dolphin trainer, huh?" he barked into the phone. "Well your old man just wrecked my car. I need ten grand RIGHT NOW - or I'm going to beat BOTH of you to a pulp!"
A calm voice replied, "I'll be there in ten minutes."
Exactly ten minutes later.
...a Jeep screeched to a stop.
A man stepped out, walked straight up to the bully, and absolutely flattened him, leaving him groaning on the pavement.
Then the man turned to his father and said,
"Dad. for the LAST time. I train seals. Navy seals. Not dolphins."
Terrorist holding dad at gunpoint
Terrorist: "Say your last words!"
Dad: "Your last words!"
Terrorist: "What? ugh, you Americans. Be serious!"
Dad: "Okay, I'll be Sirius. Who are you going to be?"
Terrorist: "Stop. Why isn't this scaring your?"
Dad: "Nothing really scares me anymore; not since I saw that monster henway."
Terrorist: "What's a 'henway?
Dad: "About a pound and a half."
Terrorist: "Stop! I'm serious!"
Dad: "Hi Sirius! I'm Dad!"
"Son, did you know that if Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened?! Because..."
"Noble gases should have no reaction!"
Eight senior ladies and Bruce Wayne are waiting at a bus stopNana , Nana
Nana , Nana
Nana , Nana
Nana , Nana
BATMAN !
My son asked why our car has a check engine light
I told him its the cars way of asking for attention.
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but wasnt awarded a gold medal...
The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.
My wife is divorcing me because she thinks I'm "too un-American".
I saw this coming from a kilometer away.
An old man is driving down the highway when his phone rings.He answers it, and his wife says,
Be careful! I just heard on the news theres a car going the wrong way on the highway!
The old man says,
One car? There are hundreds of them!
My friend told me his mate Jack invented the hot tub.
I said, Jack? Whos he?
What do you get when you cross a dog with an ant-eater?
An aardbark.
In laughter, the "L" comes first
The rest of the letters come 'aughter' it.
I spent my entire life savings on pasta.
It was worth every penne.
What type of Jeans do ghost hunters wear?
Nothing special, just a Paranormal ones.
I cant believe you thought you could eat a bookcase.
Youre so full of your shelf.
Where do bad rainbows go?To prism.
It's a light sentence, but it gives them time to refract.
You know a French kiss, but what's an Australian kiss?
The same as a French kiss, but down under.
My wife said our couch is too old and needs replacing
I told her to sit with that thought.
Everybody knows that 7 8 9. Question is: Why did 7 8 9?
The doctor told 7, to please eat 3 squared meals a day..
I bought a piano, made from many bits of old broken old pianosIt's a Frankenstienway
When I perform on stage with it I shout, "IT'S A LIVE!! performance."
My friend was caught spraying graffiti at school. After a long disciplinary process, he got expelled, but he already knew that was going to happen.
The writing is on the wall.
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal.The doctor says, Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?
Larry replies, God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so Hes fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When Im done, poof! The light goes off.
Wow, thats incredible, the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larrys wife.
Bonnie... he says, Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because Im in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom and when hes done, poof, the light goes off?
Oh for Pete's sake!" exclaims Bonnie. Hes peeing in the refrigerator again!
A son asks his dad, Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
The dad replies, Yes we arson.
Does the beach feel pain when the waves crash against it?
Yes. It gets hit in the Groynes
Siss ,BOOM ,Baaahh
the last thing you hear when a sheep explodes.
Two string instruments were having an intense argument. One said to the other, "You say you're a harp, but you sure don't look like one! You're too small!"
The second instrument snapped back, "Are you callin' me a lyre?"