Apparently I am banned from caroling in the psych hospital now.
Turns out singing do you hear what I hear was a bad choice

Why was the letter E the only letter in the alphabet to receive gifts from Santa?
The other letters were not E

What does a clock do when its hungry?
it goes back four seconds.

What do you get when you mix human dna with a goats dna?
Kicked out of the petting zoo.

What do you call a sleep walking nun ?
A roaming catholic

Two drunk guys were fighting.
One of them drew a line in the ground and said if the other crossed it, he would punch him in the face...

That was the punchline.

What happens when a Target burns down?
It becomes Kohls

What sound does a train make when its carrying ballerinas?
Tu-tu!

Quit slapping me at high frequency
It hertz

What did Beethoven do after he died?
He stopped composing and started decomposing.

What does Santa pay for parking?
Nothing.

It's on the house.

What did the spicy pepper say to its enemy?
I despice you

Before you judge someone, try walking a mile in their shoes..
After that, it doesnt really matter, theyre a mile away and youve got their shoes.

My mate often gets the words 'jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' mixed up
Now he's in hot water with Japanese gangsters

My daughter is having a lotta trouble learning about shapes, and I havent been able to figure out why.
Oh well I guess well just rectangle back to it later.

Whats the difference between a reindeer and a knight in shining armor?
One is slaying a dragon and the other is dragging a sleigh.

My friend is fairly famous in the coal world
He's a miner celebrity

Why cant you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
The P is silent

A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z
No L, No L..

Who passes out the potatoes chips at the Monastery?
The Chip Monks

Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?
Because he had no-body to go with

There was tower in town that kept waking everyone up with its obnoxious clanging until a villager took the chime and threw it in the lake.
They awarded him the No Bell Peace Prize.

I texted my mom a cute video to wish her a Merry Christmas
She told me Im a great gif giver!

How much does Santa's sleigh cost?
Zero dollars, it's on the house.

I wanted to rent out my lake house for the holidays so I posted a sign...
It said "For lease, Navidad"