Every day I announce to my family I'm going for a jog, then proceed to stay at home
It's my running joke.
Never ask your wife where she wants to eat. Ask her, "Guess where I'm taking you!?"And whatever she says is where you go.
Follow me for more marriage and relationship advice.'
With my blonde hair and blue eyes, people always ask me if Im Dutch.
I always tell them, wooden shoe like to know.
All these bots making asses of themselves on this sub...
I blame their back end developers ...
What do you call a moth laying eggs?
A moth-er
I kept asking my Dad what LGBTQ stood for...
I never got a straight answer.
Sex in a canoe is like American beer
its fucking close to water.
Most people don't know that back in 1912, the Titanic sank carrying 12,000 jars of Hellmann's mayonnaise bound for Mexico...
The Mexican people, who were eagerly awaiting the shipment, were so heartbroken over the loss that they established a National Day of Mourning every May 5th to remember the disaster. It is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.
Proud of this one while in the kitchen.Did one on the spot today.
Wifey and I were doing some baking given its a rainy Sunday. She was looking in every drawer for our whisk.
She looked at me accusingly Why did you move the whisk?
I replied: I would never do that. Its too whisky. Followed by the goofy smile and the finger guns.
I think that was legitimately the biggest eye roll Ive ever received. Success!
I got fired from the orange juice factory.
I couldnt concentrate.
What do you call a horse thats run away from home?
Unstable
What is the opposite of cheese?
Antivolone.
Why can't a leopard hide?
Because he is always spotted.
An exquisite complaint never gets old
It ages like fine whine
I took a job as a personal trainer.
The weights were too heavy, so I gave my too weak notice.
A woman rejected me because i amputated my toes
She was lack toes intolerant
I once had a goal of being a plumber
It turned out to be a pipe dream
What do you call an Australian pop group that needs to stay away from sweets?
The DiaBeeGees
How do you console a sad English teacher?
There, Their, They're
l just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don't care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I bought a ceiling fan the other day.
Complete waste of money. He just stands there yelling, Woo! Go ceiling!
I was in a Caf this morning happily dipping my biscuits in other people's tea and they called the police...
Said I was Dunkin' disorderly.
What do you call a fart from a milking cow?
Dairy air
A crazy commuteI had the most surreal commute of my life this morning.
I was driving behind a speeding ambulance when I noticed a small stainless-steel cooler precariously balanced on the back step. The driver took a sharp corner at an intersection, and sure enough, the container bounced off the bumper and tumbled into the roadside grass.
Doing my civic duty, I pulled over immediately and went over to inspect it. I unlatched the lid, and to my absolute horror, nestled inside a bed of crushed ice was an amputated human toe.
Realizing someone was probably having a terrible morning at the ER waiting for this, I glanced at the highway signs. The ambulance was heading toward regional clinics, so I quickly looked up the emergency dispatch line for the nearest hospital and called them.
"Dispatch here, what is your emergency?" the receptionist answered.
"Hi, this is going to sound crazy, but I was trailing one of your ambulances and a metal container fell off the back bumper into the grass. I opened it, and there's a toe in ice here."
The woman gasped, "Oh heavens! The paramedics just pulled into the bay five minutes ago in a panic because the cooler was missing!"
I gave her my exact cross streets and asked, "Are you dispatching another ambulance with sirens to come rush it to surgery?"
She paused and answered:
"No need for that... we'll just send a toe truck."
There are people in the Netherlands who secretly collect shoes and knives...
It's a clog and dagger hobby of theirs...