Is this sub still active?
There hasn't been any posts all year.
The lady I married always has a knife, a cork screw and a scissors. She can also open a beer bottle with her teeth.
Shes my Swiss Army Wife.
I don't get why NYC gets so much attention for its New Year's Eve celebration.
Every single year, they drop the ball.
When we got a call that our neighbors car was stuck in the snow, I said, Ill be right there! and started wrapping myself in pita bread and slathering on tzatziki. My wife said, Babe, please stop
you dont have to be a gyro.
How do I know getting kicked in the nuts hurts more than child birth?
I've heard many women say they want another baby. But I've never heard a guy say he wanted to get kicked in the nuts again.
I boiled a funny bone last night
And had a laughing stock
In Egypt they found a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts.
They think they found Pharaoh Rocher.
How do cats cut the grass?
They use lawnmeowers!
Why do so few people around the world know about the clever, shape-shifting Norse god?Because he was Loki.
Why did his brother avoid him after their last contest?
He was a Thor loser.
How do you make a pirate angry?
Remove the p
Make sure to poop before midnight. . .
You dont want to take any of your old crap into next year.
My love life is a lot like a badly cooked steak..
It used to be rare, but now its, well, done!
At midnight on New Years Day, I like to do a quick twirl to celebrate.
Its my new years revolution.
A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar.The bartender asks the rabbit, "What'll you have?"
The rabbit replies, "I don't know. I'm only here because of Autocorrect."
A lady was running up the stairs at church she asked the little boy sitting at the top, "Is mass out?"
He said, "No, but your hat's on crooked."
My New Years Resolution is to stop being so condescending
And in case you werent aware, condescending means talking down to people.
I am reading a scary book by brail.
Something bad is about to happen. I can feel it..
You know they say Einstein was the smartest person that ever lived.
But that's relatively speaking.
I tried to sue the airlines for misrouting my luggage
But I lost my case.
What do electricians and morticians have in common?
They both get shocked when they touch a live one!
From what I heard, it seems like there is always a slip up at Time Square on December 31st.
Cause thats when they always drop the ball.
Did you hear about the unsolved murder at Krispy Kreme?
It's a real Whodonut.
MailNephew(brings in mail) "its all just regular mail"
Me "I wonder why we never get any femail(female)"
Me "oh wait, we do all the time it's called bills!"
"Fee mail"
(PS not trying to imply anything gender related like female is bad or anything, just a play on words)
My wife complimented me out of nowhere one day.
I was utterly flattergasted.
New Years Day Dad JokesI saw one of my kids: "I haven't seen you all year"
"I need a shower. I haven't had one all year"
"I spent most of this year asleep in bed"