How do you find a blind man on a nudist beach?
Its not that hard

Spotted an albino Dalmatian the other day
Was the least I could do for him.

A mbius strip walked into a bar sobbing loudly. The bartender asked, "What's wrong?" The mbius strip replied...
"Where do I even begin?"

Ford should make a coupe and call it the Oar
It'd be a Ford Oar two-door

Daughter came up with this one: "what do you call a dog who offers help without being asked?"
a VolunTerrier

Two chilly Inuit were sitting in a kayak. When they lit a fire in the craft to warm up, it sank,
proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

The Chinese man who invented the camera lens has passed away.
Rest in peace, Zu Min.

What happens if someone slaps you at high frequency?
It Hertz!

I dropped my cactus the other day.
Worst part is, I caught it.

A daughter once asked, "Why is your hair white?"
Mom said, "Every time you're bad, it loses its light."

The girl looked at Grandma and whispered in fright,

"Wow, Mom, you must have been a real terror at night"!

I was flirting with the most gorgeous woman at the bar last night. At one point I told her "Believe it or not, I have the most famous last name in all of Ireland." She smiled and replied, "Oh really?"
And I'm like "how did you know?!"

She asked if I was single.
I knew that could mean only one thing...

Dance.
Why did the skeleton not go to the dance?

Because he didnt have any body to take.

I ordered 9 rootbeers
but they gave me 3 beers instead

Grand Dad in front of the TV with his beer: Starting a war while defending peace is kind of an oxymoron.
Then, immediately after that, a certain political figure begins to speak.

Grand Dad : "And here comes the regular moron !"

We exchanged a quick glance in silence, I nodded, and went to get him another beer.

Why does Beethoven detest chickens so much?
Whenever he asks them who their favorite composer is, they all say Bach.

Hey Bob, that wife of yours sure has a big mouth
Well, she is a Grand Maw now

I would like to be frank with all of you..
But then I'd have to change my name.

Ive always been impressed how the casting crew of The Big Lebowski found the perfect lead actor.
They really did their Dude diligence.

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, Shouldnt! Wouldnt! Couldnt! Didnt! Cant!
Dont worry, said the doc. Those are just contractions."

I just saw a cute couple going into the gym.
I'm sure they'll work out

I recently swapped all the labels on my wife's spice rack, she hasn't noticed yet
But the thyme is cumin.

Why are leopards so bad at hiding?
Because they're always spotted.

I said to my wife, "They say that childbirth is the most painful thing someone can experience..."
"Now, maybe I was too young to remember, but I didn't think it hurt that much."