My friend claims that he scaled Mount Everest, but no one believes him.
I think he made it up.

My wife was like "why don't you treat me like you first treated me when we first started dating?"
So I took her to a dinner and a movie............then dropped her off at her parents.

Billy Bob walks into Bubba's barn and catches him doing a sexy striptease to a large red piece of machinery.
Billy Bob says "What the heck are ya doing Bubba?"

Bubba replies, "Well, Billy Bob, me an the wife haven't been gettin it on lately and that there therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."

Ever read the book Ten Miles to the Outhouse?
Written by Willie Maykit

My wife is threatening to divorce me because I'm obsessed with Africa.
Kenya believe it?

I'd hate for her Togo and leave me...

What am I Guinea do now?

This is all so Sudan...

And we have kids, this is Ghana be hard for them

But you know what? She Congo to Hell.

What does Jeff Bezos do just before going to bed?
He puts his pajAMAZON.

What do all Star Trek captains have in common?
They all have three ears. A left ear. A right ear. And a final frontier.

Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.
But cases continue to rise.

Why can't JD Vance can't get pregnant?
He has a pull out couch.

What do you call an alien with 3 balls?
An extraterrestical

My 5-year-old asked me why the sun goes down at night.
I told him its because the sun gets tired of watching him refuse to put his shoes on.
Hes been staring out the window for twenty minutes trying to apologize to the sky.

If you have ants in your house...
Make sure there are no more than 9 at a time. Anything over gives you tenants!

I sat there thinking man this burger needs more mustard
But in Heinz sight, it really just needed more ketchup.

Happy National Cheeseburger Day!!!

Every time without fail, when I go on my morning jog, I get run over by the same bike in the exact same spot. This has been going on for months now.
It's a vicious cycle.

I got fired from my job at the bank today.
An old lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

My boss said to me, I find it weird that you are sick only during the weekdays.
I said, Its my weekend immune system.

Why did the blind guy fall down a well?
He couldnt see that well

What genre of music was it when a caveman banged two stones together?
Early rock.

What do you call a line of men waiting to get a haircut?
A barber queue

Just tried my new Persian bedsheets
Iran for cover. .

What do you call a peach who makes shoes?
Peach cobbler.

What kind of business could a hairdresser open to pass along her wealth after she dies?
An heir salon.

What do you call a chubby psychic?
A four-chin teller

As it turns out, some kinds of bread are sworn to secrecy.
It's called a Naan disclosure agreement

Art dealer to potential customer, Would you like to purchase one of these highly ornate, extravagant and dramatic art pieces from the 1600s?
Customer, "I can't"
Dealer, "Why is that?"
Customer, "I'm baroque."