My neighbor gifted me a little willow tree, hoping one day it will be pleasant to sit under. In return I gifted him a little maple tree, hoping the same for him.
It's a good practice to exchange Pleasant Trees.

Our daughter the Xray technician married one of her patients.
We just don't know what she saw in him.

My wife gave me the worst disrespect this morning
Normally, she rolls her eyes or groans when I make jokes. Par for the course.

But this morning, she's watching Tiktok, the dude in the video said: "my friend Tony told me to never say his name backwards, I said, 'why not?'" and she bursts out laughing.

I get no respect.

My friend just got caught having sex with a Pixar movie.
He fucked Up.

If you're being bothered by a bee...
Just look at it. Seeing is bee leaving.

What kind of pants does a psychic medium wear?
Just a pair-a-normal pants.

What is the internal temperature of a Taun-Taun?
Luke Warm

They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away, but what doctor avoids garlic?
Dr. Acula

Red flashing light.
I asked dad:"Why did they put a red flashing light on that tower over there?"

Dad: "It so that planes can see it at night and don't crash into it."

Me: " So, whats the tower even for?"

Dad: "Duh, they need something to hold the red flashing light up there!"

My wifes brother has a shellfish allergy, and said he had it later in life because they didnt grow up as shellfish people
And I replied: true, youre all pretty generous.

I'll never forget my grandpa's last words before he kicked the bucket
"How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

I've been playing a game...
I've been playing a game where you have to collect parts of all of the Egyptian Gods.

I've nearly finished the whole Set!

A miner is driving to work and gets pulled over
The cops asks: Where are you going, whose car is this, what do you do for a living.

The miner responded: Mine.

What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddily-squats

Working in my first original
This one made me laugh to myself and my wife groan.

Me: do you know how to calculate where to slaughter a goat?

Wife: No?

Me: you have to use halalgebra

My dad's sister really likes to tell jokes that have no real punchline
We call them Auntie Jokes

The bar for this joke isn't very high, but here goes.
A blind man walks into a bar...

While driving across the country with the family
I decided we would go a little out of our way to visit my good childhood friend Nick Miller. The kids were not happy, they wanted to get to our final destination as quickly as possible. They complained and complained and complained, but I insisted that we take the See Nick route.

My brother convinced me to go halves on a used funeral car...
I can't believe I was so easily co-hearsed.

Saw a new motorcycle club that Id be perfect for. They ride Harleys and tell bad jokes.
Puns of Anarchy

I've been trying to improve my joke on margarine
I can't believe it's not better

Was about to head home after dropping the kid at university in Philly
Had this text conversation with the wife:

Wife: Big thunderstorm here

Me: Tornado watch here until 10

Wife: Same here
What do you think? You think you should stay?

Me: I cannot stay. I have an appointment in the morning.

Wife: Ok. But, please be careful

Me: It is currently sunny in Philadelphia

Wife: Ok. Maybe it's over. Just keep an eye on the radar

Nothing. Literally no reaction! At least my kid groaned when I showed her.

What do you call a lazy kangaroo?
A Pouch Potato

I just picked up a bottle of that new Fred Flintstone aftershave. Its strong stuff, you only need to use a tiny bit.
A little dabll do...

Why do wraps hate burgers?
Because they have beef