My boss fired me from the auto parts store for stealing. I dont know what his problem is. It was his idea.
Every day, he told me to make sure I take brakes.

At dinner, I told my date I was trying to figure out what her favorite hobby might be. She leaned in, pounded her fist on the table and yelled, I MAKE JAM AND PUT IT IN TINY GLASS CONTAINERS!
It was jarring.

My dog got into our scrabble box and ate a whole bunch of word tiles, we rushed her to the vet and are still waiting.
No word yet.

My wife and I decided we didn't like sleep, we hated having a clean house and didn't want any money to spend on ourselves.
So we decided to have three kids.

I cant believe someone broke into my house and stole all my fruit
I am peachless!

Whats the difference between Elon Musk and a Lemur?
Elon made electric cars, lemur madagascar.

I am a Dad Jokes black belt.
Barista: "Can I have a name, please?"
Me: "Didn't your parents give you one?"

Sent this to my kids. Me: Knock knock
You. Whos there?

Me. Hike

You. Hike who?

Me: Unsuspecting kids

Dad waiting with bated breath

Sets the perfect trap

I was dating a girl at the office named Lorraine
We had gone out for a while. A new cute girl named Claire Lee started working in our group. I really liked her but still liked Lorraine. After a month or so, Lorraine got transferred to another city.

It was fine. I can see Claire Lee now. Lorraine is gone.

Whats the most popular feature on Targaryen life insurance policies?
A dragon rider.

(Is that a new level of nerd?)

What do you call a moose that everyone knows?
Famoose

What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi

Used to be a taxi driver. I left it because
I was tired of people talking behind my back.

Ive discovered that all my pet peeves are either entomological or etymological.
Unfortunately, I can never remember which is which. And that really bugs me.

What do you call a cult thats hard to get into?
Difficult

What did the cannibal do after dumping his gf?
Clean his ass.

The janitors at my office are all smoking weed.
They're high maintenance people.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?

Mia He.

Mia He who?

Mia ah haha!

Whats the difference between a car and a giraffe?
ones got hydraulics and the others got high bollocks

Thinking of selling my vacuum cleaner
I mean, it's just collecting dust...

If you accidentally drop an ice cube, just kick it under the refrigerator.
Soon it'll just be water under the fridge.

I never understood why people buy Chevy Equinox.
Why would you buy a car that only works twice a year, unless you drive it on the equator?

I assessed the quality of a submarine.
It was sub-optimal. Quality took a nosedive.

What do you call a cow that can play a guitar?
A moo-sician

What do you call an Indian Electrician?
A-shock