You can tell Donald Trump is a self-made man.
He does everything himself. He pisses himself. He shits himself.

He can even go fuck himself.

I showed my son the first computer I had as a child.
He gave me a puzzled look and asked, "How DOS it work?"

I was told after a vasectomy I wouldnt have kids anymore
imagine my shock when I got home and they were still there!

What do you call a person who eats other people slowly?
A cannibble

Why is it so hard for woman to work in the postal Services?
Because its such a mail dominated industry

Why is it so easy to weigh fish?
Because they have their own scales!

The Grill Comparison:
A husband rudely tells his wife, "Your butt is getting so big, its larger than our BBQ grill!" Later that night, he tries to initiate some romance, but his wife immediately shuts him down. When he asks what's wrong, she replies, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?".

A time traveller appears in a bar, taking half an hour to fully materialize
The bartender looks at him and asks, "Hey, buddy... Why the long phase?"

I thought going to the zoo with my wife just to see the new baby deer would be boring.
But it was actually pretty fawn.

You can't drown in raw milk
If there's enough for you to drown... it must be past your eyes.

A woman named Brittany was placed on a jury trial for murder
The verdict was decided by Brittany's peers.

Do you know what would be a great name for diarrhea medicine?
Gonorrhea

What do you call someone with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows

What do you call a 2$ chicken?
Buck buck

I'm in court tomorrow for stealing luggage...
I'm hoping it'll be a brief case.

The Chinese man who invented the camera lens has passed away.
Rest in peace Zoo Min

My kid texted me: I just spilled bleach and baking soda all over the floor. What do I do?? I wrote back: Throw a blanket over it. A minute later he replied: Okay now what?
I said: Nothing. All our bases are covered.

I can bench press 1000 pounds
Not all at once, of course. But lifting 50 pounds twenty times over three days, no problem!

Whats the difference between a drummer and a savings bond?
One of them will mature and make money.

Not all naval vessels can go under water.
Only a subset of them can.

Where would you find a peacock at a grocery store?
Next to the peanuts.

What's a foot-fetishist's favourite vehicle?
Toe Truck

I was walking past a farm and a sign said "Duck, eggs."
I thought: "that's an unnecessary comma - and then it hit me."

My car broke down halfway between my lake house and the Hallmark store.
My car broke down halfway between my lake house and the Hallmark store. I was stuck between a dock and a card place.

Got tired of working with transistors
Eventually started studying for a lower degree in the field of railway transportation. Graduated a semi-conductor.