My son was just bornMy son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday... said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...
My kid hit me with this one todayWhy did the coffee call the cops?
It was mugged
Tablets were replaced by scrolls, scrolls were replaced by books.
Now we scroll through books on tablets.
They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian.
Well, they're not laughing now.
I love my new hobby: archery...its great
but there are a lot of drawbacks
To the person who stole my glasses.I will find you
I have contacts!
I hurt my back walking like an Egyptian.
Now I have to see a Cairo-practor.
6:30 is the best time on the clock
hands down
Help! My dog just swallowed some coins!
I'm monitoring him, but there's still no change.
What Mario and Luigis overalls are made of?
Denim, denim, denim.
You hear they're opening a Vietnamese-Italian fusion restaurant?
They're calling it "Pho-getaboutit"
What did the pirate name his pet clam?
Me-Shell
What is a pirates favourite letter of the alphabet?
You think it would be RRRR but it's not ... It's the C!
What do you calla teapot of boiling water on top of mount Everest?
A highpotinuse
Never criticize someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize, you'll be a mile away, and you'll have their shoes.
My friend lent me their Bible and got mad I accidentally ripped out a few pages from the Book of Revelations.
I told them it's not the end of the world.
My kid hit me with this today:
a shovel
My daughter came out with this yesterday...
I want a bottle of Sprite with dinner, so I can be Spriteful to my brothers!
Whenever Im lonely I always open Excel and go to the first line of the 1,514th column.
Its my Number 1 BFF.
My wife and I know the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant and have a little wine and good food.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Several years ago, my doctor told me I was going deaf.
I havent heard from him since!
How many months have 28 days?
All of them! Heyooo!
Did you hear about the race in the garden?
The lettuce was ahead, the hose was running, and the tomato was trying to catch up!
I went to a smoke shop, only to discover it had been replaced by a clothing store.
Clothes, but no cigar.
Whenever my wife says its time to try for a baby, we stand up and clap.
Those moments deserve a standing ovulation.