My grandfather got his tongue shot off in the war.
But he never talked about it.
I should never have exposed myself in the elevator.
It was wrong on so many levels.
Time for some knock knock jokes...Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Mikey.
Mikey who?
Mikey doesnt work, can you let me in?
----
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke through the peep hole and find out.
----
Knock, knock.
Whos there?
Anita.
Anita who?
Anita use the bathroom, please open the door!
----
Knock, knock.
Whos there?
Theodore.
Theodore who?
Theodore wasnt opened so I knocked.
----
Knock, knock.
Whos there?
Candice.
Candice who?
Candice joke get any worse?
Doctor: Do you want the good news or the bad news? Me: Good news.
Doctor: Youll be able to park wherever you want.
What kind of doctor was Dr Pepper?
He was a Fizzician.
Why wasnt the devil afraid of balding?
Because there will be hell toupee
A limbo champion walked into a bar
He lost
Bond, James Bond.
What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath?
Bubble 07.
I got my mom a massive jar of Jelly Belly's for Mother's Day. It was going to be a surprise.
But someone spilled the beans.
my ADHD is so severe...
it's AD8K
A bloke down the pub told me his mate Jack was the inventor of hot tubs.
I said Jack, whos he
A man with a stutter died in prison.
Before he could even finish his sentence
I asked my wife is she wanted to go out to dinner tomorrow and she said yes.
I'm pretty excited to have the apartment to myself for the evening
"Why do you have a javelin in your herb garden?"
"I want to grow spearmint."
There's no point trying to change tautology...
It is what it is.
Two children decided to give their mom a real treat for Mothers Day.They told her to stay in bed and relax while they handled everything. As she lay there, she could hear the sizzle of bacon and the smell of coffee drifting up from the kitchen. She felt so loved and pampered, imagining the beautiful breakfast they were preparing.
After waiting for over an hour, she finally heard footsteps. The kids burst into the room, both holding their own plates full of pancakes, eggs, and bacon.
"Happy Mothers Day, Mom!" they shouted. "We decided to make our own breakfast so you wouldn't have to cook for us today!"
I tried to learn the alphabet on a cruise and it went horribly wrong.
I'm lost at C.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal?
Megadeath by Chocolate
My blind wife left me. I am heartbroken.
At least she isnt seeing anyone else.
I heard Celine Dion will be removing all the consonants from her name.It's a gesture in support of declining farmland in her native Quebec, Canada.
[Wait for it.]
why does no one know this joke??? did you fall in
im 21f and i say this for EVERYTHING. I know the joke originated from someone taking too long in the bathroom but I evolved it to when someone took too long coming from anywhere, but literally NO ONE knows what im talking about even when I go back and explain the toilet part of it they still never heard of it. If you know what this is give me your age range this could be bc i have older siblings but i really thought it was a commonly used joke!
A lot of customers think they can do my job better than me.
And I could use some days off.
Mother's Day has the lowest crime rate of any other day of the year
I think this shows just how many moms are out there committing crimes that can't that day
I dropped my cactus the other day
Worst part is...I caught it.
Roast PotatoesWas preparing roast potatoes for dinner the other day when my 13 yo son came into the kitchen.
After finding out that I was preparing to roast potatoes for dinner, he told me he would help me to roast the potatoes. Just as I was thinking of the instructions I needed to give to him to help, he started insulting the potatoes.
Well played, son. I have raised you well