My friend tattooed his favourite Star Wars character on his cheek.
You should have seen the Luke on his face.

What's a whale's favorite food?
A krill cheese sandwich. (via my 8-year-old nephew)

Mike Ditka, NFL Legend dead at 86
The family has announced who will have the honor of carrying his coffin to his final resting place:

DA pall BEARS

RIP Big Guy

My son got me
We were outside tucking the pets in. It was a beautiful fall evening in Denver. I called him over to admire the brilliant stars in the sky. Low in the north east, one was scintillating. "Look," I said, "see the bright one? That's Vega!".

He pointed to a brilliant light just taking off from Denver International, "Look," he said, "See that bright one? That's Boeing!"

I .. I'm so proud!

Sauron prefers sedans over coupes
There are More doors

Yesterday I saw a Chinese man in a lobster costume get run over by a bus.
I felt bad for that poor crushed Asian.

Why is Kim Jong Un so cruel?
Because he have no Seul

How do you think the unthinkable?
With an ithberg.

I'm on a plane and the lunch choices are white meat chicken or German Sausage.
Unfortunately, I'm seated in the last row.

I'm hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.

[Warning! 18+]
19

I stumbled across a YouTube channel dedicated to Jewish colonoscopies.
I spent hours going down rabbi holes.

Im so excited to sleep over at my cannibal girlfriends place for the first time tonight.
She said shes gonna make me breakfast in the morning!

What did one wall say to another?
Meet me at the corner

I'm about to spend the afternoon interrogating a duck.
Eventually he'll quack under the pressure.

One big difference between women and men
is that when a woman says "smell this", it usually smells nice.........

Have you been to the Butt Museum?
A lot of people say their exhibits are great.

Personally I think they're anything butt.

I accidentally super glued my thumb to my index finger
It's going to be OK for now.

What is a stoners favorite cereal?
Weedies

Why did sun and moon broke up?
Because they needed space

Why did Peter Pan give up comedy?
His jokes never, never land

My dad got lost in the fog...
He will be mist.

I keep all of my dad jokes
in a Dad-a-base

A photon goes into a hotel
The bellhop asks if he needs help with luggage and the photon replies, Nope, Im traveling light.

My hubby never makes a decent pot of coffee...
...could that be grounds for divorce?

Did you hear the Russians launched a potato into space?
They call it Spudnik