My sister met her husband at a Scrabble tournament 20 years ago.
Next week they are going to renew their vowels...
Despite common beliefs, Pontius Pilate didnt invent Pilates
He invented CrossFit!
Possibly my finest hourMy wife and I came down with whatever violent cold is going around, sneezing, coughing, miserable. We got over it, but just couldn't shake the cough. After a few days, I was talking to a friend about it, and he mentioned getting an over-the-counter thing that really helped, so I bought a couple of boxes online. When they were delivered, my wife saw what they were and immediately got upset.
"You know I just got cold medicine a few days ago! You could have just asked where it was, and now we've got boxes and boxes of the stuff, and we'll have to store it, and it'll just be sitting around for years, and....."
When she finally wound down, I said, "You're right, I shouldn't have gotten it. I should have known you'd get upset. It even warned me."
"Huh?"
"Yeah, it says here on the box: 'Expect a rant.'"
What does a robot do after sex?
Nuts and bolts
I was shocked to read in the papers today that a midget has been pickpocketed...
How could someone stoop so low...
There's a new competitor for Discord on the internet.
It's called Datcord.
My dad's penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records.
Until I told him to take it out
I used to be a night stocker, but now I just check people out.
Grocery store joke.
Have you heard of the benefits of dried grapes?
Im all about raisin awareness.
What do you call a pensioner who just scored 3 goals?
Gerry hat-trick
I was arrested for playing loud music in a vegetable garden.
Charged with disturbing the peas.
They are making a new TV series starring a potato and a ear of corn.
It's going to be called starchy and husk.
What do you call a tiny court room
Trial sized
What do you call Vin Diesel's brother?
Twin Diesel
What did the dismissive cheese say when I told it a dad joke?
Kayso?
ACCIDENTALLY WENT to "Tooters" instead of "Hooters" and now...
I'm enjoying some Tacos, 4 hard boiled eggs and a BIG bowl of chili.
What do you call the world's strongest duck?
A wellhard.
Jackhammer technology has come a long way
You could even say its groundbreaking progress.
Our hearts go out to the family of Bob, after his unfortunate accident with the combine.
He is very much mist.
The exhaust from the rocket created a huge cloud of wispy gases which resembled a beautiful and fragrant tropical flower.
A white plume area.
What do you call a Saiyan thats vegan?
Veg-eta
Why can't Mickey Mouse fly to Scotland?
His plane disneyland
I'm afraid of backstories.
It all started when ... aaaaAAAAAAHHHHH!
You dont have to pay retail price for bagels and donuts.
Just buy them holesale.
I ran into a lady at a Vegan restaurant who said she knew me
But I never met herbivore