I was heartbroken when my wife told me that my five-year-old was not my son.
Then she told me to pay more attention at kindergarten pickup.

Its been 3 years since I started training for the ejaculation distance championships
Since then Ive come a long way.

I almost decided to start worshipping paper bags
But decided that would be sack religious.

I dont understand why people dislike vegans so much
Ive never had beef with them.

Bruce Lee was fast, but did you know that he had a brother that was even faster?
His name was Sudden Lee.

Someone broke into our house last night and stole a dozen eggs.
They also left a pan of boiling water on the stove.

Police believe it was poachers.

My friend tony told me not to say his name backwards
I said "y not?"

I once had a teacher who either would teach, or he would not.
He was full of taughtologies.

A farmer has successfully grown a field of vibrators.
Unfortunately, he now has a problem with squatters.

Where do gay coffee beans go to find an online hookup?
grinder

My old roommate Joe
I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped, and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now I don't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let's say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.

Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those big cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend.

Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together, leaving me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.

In conclusion, if it hadn't been for Joe with his cotton eye, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

I almost made a post here about margarine
But then I realized I could do butter

Ive been trying to come up with a jokes about unemployment
But none of them are working.

What do you call a woman made of bread
A baguette

I was looking forward to watching the World Origami Championship
Apparently, its only on Paper View

I could never be vegan.
For me, it'd be a huge "missed steak."

Cars.
I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars.
But I just learned they won't support windows.

I like to fornicate expensive words into my sentences
Even if I don't know what they mean

Apparently, Northern Ireland has a completely different version of Beauty and the Beast. In most places, the princess is too slow to escape.
But over there, Belle fast.

What is the problem with cross-eyed teachers?
They can't control their pupils.

The concert was so extremely loud, it hurt to stay, but it was his favorite band
A true life or deaf situation

I'm so old
I went into an antique store, and they wouldn't let me leave

What did the monkey say after his chicken got stolen?
Macaque!

I got a monitor from amazon
It bit me when i tried to install it

Just wanted to let yall know I have a pet termite.
I named him Clint.
Clint Eatswood