Just got my husband with this one
Theres an IKEA desk I want to buy for my loft studio and am about to go out to get it. I lamented however that I will then need to carry a 24kg box up three flights of stairs. He said that when I get back I can pick him up and hell help.

But youre heavier than the box.

Thankfully he found that amusing.

I found $20 in the parking lot and thought to myself What would Jesus do?
So I turned it into wine.

Did you hear about the person who died by viagra?
What a hard way to go

What is a vampires favorite fruit?
Nectarines

Who's the strongest Arab?
The protein sheikh.

Why doesn't James Bond fart in bed?
Cause it would blow his cover.

I accidentally drank holy water with my laxative.
I'm about to start a religious movement.

I got cast in a film about a bakery. Its not a huge part.
Just a small roll

Found corn all over the kitchen counter and floor
There was even some in our cats' water bowl. Reminded my son (who spilled it while helping with dinner) to clean it up; our cats are carnivores not...

...cornivores.

(Actual happening. Wife laughed, son rolled his eyes like dials on a slot machine...)

When I woke up today
I felt dismayed

No, I will not loan you my concealed explosive devices.
They're mine.

Train conductor school is tough. Im struggling with driving, signaling, and navigation, but Im acing coal shoveling class.
Thats my strong soot.

I can't take my dog to the park anymore cause the duck's keep biting him.
I should've known it was bound to happen. He's pure bread.

Yesterday I had a nightmare that my tiktok account was deleted.
For a second, I was really scared that I had a tiktok account.

You hear about the guy who was hospitalized for loosing his entire right side?
There's still plenty of him left.

Why cant bicycles stand on their own?
Because theyre two tired

What do vampires eat for dessert?
Diabetics

What's the lowest ranking name on a tier list?
F rank

Easter plans
Wife: So... what are your plans for Easter?
Husband: Same plan as Jesus.
Wife: Uh... what does that mean?
Husband: I disappear on Friday... and show back up on Monday.
Wife: Wow, that's AWESOME. If you do that, l'll do what Mary did.
Husband: Wait... what do you mean?
Wife: I'Il show up pregnant... untouched by my husband.
Husband: ...
Narrator:
And that's how the husband ended up staying home all Easter.

IT Dad jokes
Whats your best IT Dads joke or meme?

Ive been training my pet parrot to do pushups.
I want him to have strong pecks.

my friend Ed had a wife but sheeran

Everyone laughed at me when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well
Well theyre not laughing now

There are more airplanes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky.
That's plane to sea.