At dinner, I told my date I was trying to figure out what her favorite hobby might be. She leaned in, pounded her fist on the table and yelled, I MAKE JAM AND PUT IT IN TINY GLASS CONTAINERS!
It was jarring.

My wife and I decided we didn't like sleep, we hated having a clean house and didn't want any money to spend on ourselves.
So we decided to have three kids.

I cant believe someone broke into my house and stole all my fruit
I am peachless!

Sent this to my kids. Me: Knock knock
You. Whos there?

Me. Hike

You. Hike who?

Me: Unsuspecting kids

Dad waiting with bated breath

Sets the perfect trap

My boss fired me from the auto parts store for stealing. I dont know what his problem is. It was his idea.
Every day, he told me to make sure I take brakes.

Whats the difference between Elon Musk and a Lemur?
Elon made electric cars, lemur madagascar.

Used to be a taxi driver. I left it because
I was tired of people talking behind my back.

Ive discovered that all my pet peeves are either entomological or etymological.
Unfortunately, I can never remember which is which. And that really bugs me.

What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi

What do you call a moose that everyone knows?
Famoose

What did the cannibal do after dumping his gf?
Clean his ass.

If you accidentally drop an ice cube, just kick it under the refrigerator.
Soon it'll just be water under the fridge.

I am a Dad Jokes black belt.
Barista: "Can I have a name, please?"
Me: "Didn't your parents give you one?"

What do you call a cow that can play a guitar?
A moo-sician

What do you call an Indian Electrician?
A-shock

What do you call a cult thats hard to get into?
Difficult

Thinking of selling my vacuum cleaner
I mean, it's just collecting dust...

IKEA Murder
My teenager had to write up a description of a crime scene for a forensics class. I suggested a crime scene inside an IKEA, where a jerk manager was bludgeoned by an employee, using a vase or something that has a vaguely Swedish name.

My middle-schooler: Ah, yes. The Mnkll.

How do you make Budweiser?
You send him to school

I swear, if anyone ever steals my hairpiece again...
...there will be hell toupe.

I asked my dad who was Sherlocks best friend.
Apparently he is struggling to hear, and kept on asking, What son?.

Asked my wife to set up her dumbest single friend, Gina, to go on a date with my dumbest single friend Ralf.
Asked my wife to set up her dumbest single friend, Gina, to go on a date with my dumbest single friend Ralf. Gina shows up and Ralf says I like your blonde hair, is that natural. Gina replied: No, I wore this wig for our blonde date....how did you know? Ralph takes off his dark glasses and folds up his guide cane and says, oh, sorry, I thought it was a blind date.

Im selling trampolines in Prague.
I'm selling trampolines in Prague.
I can't make a profit because the Czechs keep bouncing...

Why can't skeletons lie?
Because you can see right through them.

A friend of mine makes Moebius strips for living.
It is a strange way to make ends meet.