Teacher: What is the most important punctuation mark?
Johnny: The period?

Teacher: Can you tell me

why?

Johnny: I don't know, but when my sister missed one of hers, my mom fainted, my dad got mad, and the neighbor left town and never came back.

My stepson set me up perfectly
My wife enjoys butterscotch pudding for dessert, and since I love my wife, I made some for her last night.

She finished eating some of it and called my stepson downstairs to put the remainder in the fridge for her.

He came in, grabbed the container, and started coughing(he's allergic to the world and has had post nasal drip all week). When he started coughing, the wife said "Don't cough on my pudding!"

To which I said "Yeah! It's butterscotch flavored, not coffee flavored!"

Fellow Dad's the groan my wife made sounded like she was possessed of the devil. She then threw something at me and said I wasn't allowed to talk for the rest of the night.

Amazingly - scientists have grown human vocal cords in a Petri dish
Amazingly - scientists have grown human vocal cords in a Petri dish

The results speak for themselves

I'd make a joke about Trump's promised $5000 tariff check
But I don't think anyone will get it.

Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on earth?
It's pasteurized before you even see it.

I heard that all the rain we had this year has made it hard for owls to find mates
Apparently it's too wet to woo

Bloke sitting on a park bench. Woman walks up to him and says, Excuse me, are you a trombonist?"
Man says, "No I'm not."

She thinks for a second, and says, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure."

"Are you absolutely sure?"

Exasperated, the man says, "Oh alright, yes I am a trombonist!"

"Funny," she says. "You don't look like one."

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
Supplies!

I swapped all the labels in my wife's spice rack.
I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

Sadly, Mrs. Coffee is filing for divorce from Mr. Coffee.
Sadly, Mrs. Coffee is filing for divorce from Mr. Coffee. No one knows why, but apparently she had grounds.

Why do graveyards have fences?
Cuz people are dying to get in

Just about had it with Amazon.
​

Every time I order chicken pellets and grain, they email me three days later asking for their feed back.

How do you electrify a choir?
You go for the conductor!

Its a five minute walk from my house to the pub.
Its a thirty five minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.

Got caught by a skeleton this morning
Turned out to be an xoskeleton, so it just gave me hugs & kisses

Scientists have mated a cheetah with a crab!
Scientists have mated a cheetah with a crab! Its been reported that the experiment went sideways real fast!

According to my math teacher, xy = 1 is the most amazing equation in the history of the world. Honestly, I think he's exaggerating.
It just seems like hyperbola.

I walked into a closet that had mirrors on every side
I was beside myself.

What do you call an undercover shoe?
A sneaker

You know if you were to make a chart about the characters in Frozen
when you get to the reindeer character youd have to use a Sven Diagram

Apple.
Why did the apple join the gym?
It wanted to work on its core.

I sat by myself on the bus today.
It was weird that there were two of me.

The first 3 letters of 'Sweden' and 'Denmark' spell out 'Sweden.'
The remaining letters spell out 'Denmark.'

In todays news, the White House has ordered that Artificial Intelligence be renamed Super Intelligence.
Officials are now debating whether kettles should be reclassified as steam engines.

I got kicked out of a Vietnamese restaurant.
They bahn mi pho life.