A swimmer was asked what her favourite stroke was
She replied The one that killed Margaret Thatcher.

I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds
Poor guy

Im sorry and I apologize mean the same thing
Except at a funeral

How does a polygamist hippie count his wives?
1 Mrs. Hippie. 2 Mrs. Hippie. 3. Mrs Hippie...

I walked past a farm and saw a sign that read: Duck, eggs!
I thought, That comma seems unnecessary

Then it hit me.

My son came up to me crying.
"I'm getting bullied at school, dad. The children think I'm arrogant."

"Are they in your class?" I asked.

He said, "No, I'm much better obviously."

I was walking down the street this morning when I was suddenly hit by a violin, a clarinet, and a french horn
I think it was an orchestrated attack!

Dogs can bark up to 500 times a day
thats just a RUFF estimate.

If you're broke...
What type of car should you buy?

Whichever one you can. A Ford.

When I feel lonely, I buy some shares at the stock market.
It's nice to have some company.

My balloon elephant wouldnt fit in the backseat of my car
so I had to pop it in the trunk.

After you die, what part of your body is the last to stop working?
your pupils. They dilate!

I just came across my wifes Tinder profile and Im so angry about her lies
She is not fun to be around.

I accidentally confused the words jacuzzi and yakuza
Now Im in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

Now that the US and Canada have been eliminated from the World Cup, I feel like theres no reason for people who arent fans of soccer in those countries to continue to follow the tournament
But then I remember that Switzerland is still in it.

Thats a big plus

I never planned on becoming a professional grave digger.
I sorta just fell into it.

If Americans smile....
Do Europeans skilometer?

I cant believe there are people out there wholl pay a doctor just to remove a band-aid.
What a rip-off!

I have this incredible ability to predict whats inside a wrapped present
its a gift!

On a date with a cannibal, I mentioned to her that I came from a blended family.
She lit up and said, Ooh I love smoothies!

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high
She looks surprised

What do they do when you Excel?
They spreadsheet about you

My grandfather has the heart of a lion.
And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

What is the worst combination of illnesses?
Alzheimers and diarrhea.

Youre running but cant remember where.

I went to the mechanic, and he told me my car needs new brakes
I told him, "I don't need them, all they do is slow me down."