Sent this to my kids. Me: Knock knock
You. Whos there?

Me. Hike

You. Hike who?

Me: Unsuspecting kids

Dad waiting with bated breath

Sets the perfect trap

IKEA Murder
My teenager had to write up a description of a crime scene for a forensics class. I suggested a crime scene inside an IKEA, where a jerk manager was bludgeoned by an employee, using a vase or something that has a vaguely Swedish name.

My middle-schooler: Ah, yes. The Mnkll.

Asked my wife to set up her dumbest single friend, Gina, to go on a date with my dumbest single friend Ralf.
Asked my wife to set up her dumbest single friend, Gina, to go on a date with my dumbest single friend Ralf. Gina shows up and Ralf says I like your blonde hair, is that natural. Gina replied: No, I wore this wig for our blonde date....how did you know? Ralph takes off his dark glasses and folds up his guide cane and says, oh, sorry, I thought it was a blind date.

A friend of mine makes Moebius strips for living.
It is a strange way to make ends meet.

I have to brag
I was at an art festival with my girlfriend this weekend. At a jewelry booth a woman walked up and asked if they had a claddagh. (Irish love ring.) The booth owner asked, "What's a claddagh?" Before anyone could respond I immediately said "What's a claddagh with you?"

My girlfriend laughed. I was so happy.

I tried to come up with a carpentry pun, but it took me a long time to find one that woodwork.
I think I nailed it!

What did the cannibal do after dumping his gf?
Clean his ass.

Why did the two vowels get married?
Because iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii! Will always love uuuuuuuuuuuuuuu! Wooooooooo! Will always love UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU! ( Whitney Houston version)

My lifelong dream was to have beautiful girls screaming my name
But to be honest, hearing "Dad!" all day is starting to get old.

I have a major problem with Indian bread
My wife said it's a naan-issue, but I better curry up and figure it out.

I've decided to sell all my Limbo dancing equipment for just $10.
That's the lowest I can go.

What do you call a lycanthrope who sells reusable containers?
A Tupperwerewolf.

I was late for my cosmetology exam
Had to take a make-up test.

What do you call a constipated condiment?
Mustard

What do you call a milk based coffee test article?
A mochup

If a one-L lama is a holy man, and a two-L llama is an animal, whats a three-L lllama?
Turns out, its a big fire in Boston.

I asked a street artist to draw me next to the most obnoxious person he could think of.
When he handed it to me, I was beside myself.

POTUS.
Who were the greenest Presidents in US history?

The bushes.

Just came up with this one
Ouch i accidentally broke a tooth. I need it fixed.
I need acci-dental insurance
Ik its lame but arent they all?

I asked my husband why he was going to wash our daughters hair with fake dung.
He looked at me confused.

I said you know. A sham poo.

I see, said the blind carpenter,
as he picked up his lumber and saw.

What do you call a baker with red hair?
Gingerbread Man

As a fat person, Im on the moral high ground roughly 90% of the time.
Because Im usually the bigger person.

What do you call a robbery where the robbers left no stains or fingerprints?
Stainless steal

What did the snowman have for breakfast?
Ice Crispies.