Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a man in a trench coat came up and flashed them One old lady immediately had a stroke.
The other couldn't quite reach.
I got asked out by five girls today!
I was definitely in the wrong bathroom.
Excuse me, where is the gender neutral restroom?
Thanks, I really need to take a she/it
My wife asked me if I could clear the dining room table before dinner
It took me 3 attempts and a substantial run up, but I fucking nailed it
Not saying I'm old,
but I was born before chickens had fingers.
I was gonna tell a railroad joke
But I lost my train of thought.
I gave my friend a broken drum for his birthday.
Nobody can beat that.
What beverage do you drink for the Fourth of July?
Liberty (Liber Tea)
You can take my fireworks when you pry them from my cold, dead handsWhich are over there on the sidewalk.
What kind of bees produce milk?
Boobees
My wife says that I don't respect her privacy.
At least that's what it says in her diary.
An elderly man was having difficulty hearing in one ear
At the emergency room, a Dr. looked into his ear, reached for forceps, and pulled a blob out of the man's ear. " Do you know what this is?" the Dr. asked the man.." No" said the man. " It's a suppository. What is a suppository doing in your ear?" said the Dr. The man replied. " Never mind that, help me get my hearing aid back!"
I discovered a tiny room with some fungi growing in it
Theres not mush room in here for a person.
What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow?
Blue Cheese!
I rushed to the hospital after hearing my mother had been admitted. I asked, What happenedis she okay?! The doctor explained she got stuck in a handstand during her yoga class and warned me, Everything is upside down to her for now.
I walked into her room and was like, Wow
What state was Abraham Lincoln born in?
Naked and screaming just like the rest of us.
What did the police officer say to his belly button?
Youre under a vest.
If the founding fathers were anti-gay, why did Washington always brag about going home to...
mount Vernon?
!BREAKING! Police are searching for a gang who stole ropes from the local toy shop.
Its believed theyve skipped town
My local government is shutting down my local community art class due to budget cuts.
They can close other community groups but my art class is where I draw the line.
Fun Fact: George Washington employed poultry for counter-espionage efforts against the Loyalists.
He called it Operation Chicken Cacciatore.
Why are all mice Christian?
Because they all worship cheeses!