How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Trump says he already did it and they all stand there clapping in the dark.

I opened the medicine cabinet and a bottle of Omega 3 capsules fell on my head
Fortunately my injuries were only super fish oil.

I accidentally planted the wrong flowers in my garden.
Oopsie daisies.

What's the difference between a Vietnamese Restaurant and an Indian Restaurant?
One is Pho Profit One is Naan Profit

Why do archaeology students get all the girls?
Because they study the best dating techniques.

How does the rock go to the bathroom?
He dwaynes his johnson.

An Air and Space museum opened up near me and it's just an empty warehouse.
I was disappointed at first but I can't really complain. Its exactly as described.

My son makes me make him paper airplanes all the time, then he complains they dont fly well
I tell him its because they are stationery

At the husband's funeral, I walked up to the widow and said "Earth."
She said "Thank you, that would have meant the world to him."

What's E.T. short for?
Because he's only got little legs.

Have you ever thought why you have never seen an elephant hiding in a tree?
Have you ever thought why youve never seen an elephant hiding in a tree?

Because theyre really good at it.

And why do elephants paint their balls red?

To hide in cherry trees.

And whats the loudest sound in the jungle?

A giraffe eating cherries out of cherry trees

Maths
Why should you wear spectacles when youre studying maths? Because they help with division.

My wife woke up sick and asked if we had any cold medicine.
I said, Sorry babe, all the medicine we have is warm.

My kids asked why I brag about how amazing I used to be at Hide and Seek when Im so terrible at it now.
Truth is I peeked in high school.

Grandpa never liked cousin Dale.
I always wondered why grandpa didn't like cousin Dale. Whenever dale would come around, Grandpa would brush him off and head outside. When Dale would join us at the dinner table, Grandpa would get up and head to the couch with his meal. He never seemed to like Dale so one day I asked Grandma why.

"Oh dear, cousin Dale went on a hunting trip one winter even after Grandpa told him it was a horrible idea and he'd end up froze to death. Cousin Dale ended up getting frostbite and lost half the piggies on his right foot!" she said.

"So grandpa hates cousin Dale because he went hunting even though he warned him not to?" I asked.

"No sweetie, he's just Lack Toes Intolerant."

I have a Game Show idea for Colorblind People
It's called Teal or No Teal

What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie talkie!

Why are we still allowing adult jokes here?
A dad joke is something you can tell a child. It's innocent and sometimes dumb, but is never adult in nature.

I know I'm not the first to say this, I keep seeing inappropriate jokes posted.

Edit: After the many replies, I now understand that my idea of a dad joke does not match this subs.

Thanks for educating me on the error of my ways.

I understand I was wrong. The message has been delivered loud and clear.

Can you all please just leave me alone now.

I made a mistake. I get it.

My doctor said I should cut down on sodium.
But I always take his advice with a grain of salt.

What is the scariest plant?
BAMBOO!

Everyone knows about famous painter Bob Ross but few have heard about his brother
Albert who was famous for his 6 foot wingspan.

I did my math homework on an elevator.
This is wrong on so many levels.

What is the difference between an Indian restaurant and a Vietnamese restaurant?
Vietnamese restaurants are pho profit, Indian are naan profit.

My sock has a hole in it.
Darn it.

My wife asked me for some country music
So I played the national anthem