If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN...
They become VERY ANGRY.

Can you take off the corset, I can't breathe!"a woman said to her husband.
Sure, if it will make you stop laughing and tell me how I look in it.he replied.

I just got put in handcuffs by some army ants
I didn't know there were war ants out for my arrest

How did the alternate universe Spider Man pass his driver's test?
By being an excellent parallel parker.

I changed a light bulb, crossed the street and walked into a bar...
My life is a joke.

I went to see Wicked this weekend, but I have to say it was a huge disappointment.
There wasnt a single candle in the entire show.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only 1 but it takes years and the light bulb has to really want to change.

What did the cops say when they arrested the lettuce?
You have the right to romaine silent.

Someone handed me a pamphlet with crocodiles ranked from best to worst.
I said enough with your crocodile tiers!

What do you call a dad joke in the army?
General Context

The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said, "Happy...," and started timing on her watch.
After a long silence she said, "...40-second birthday." I was so proud.

There was a time I was so broke that I couldnt pay my electricity bills.
Those were the darkest days of my life.

My garden hose never worked because it was perverted.
Too kinky.

Why do skeletons not fight each other?
They dont have guts

Military affairs
I was having an affair with my superior officer, she was beautiful. But it was too weird, too strained by the fact that I was a private and she a Sergeant. So I pulled her aside one day and said, 'listen Tina, I have to break it off, it's getting too difficult to keep going'. But she was mad at me and she started crying. I tried to console her, I said 'Don't cry for me Sergeant Tina!"

Doctor asks his patient "what's your zodiac sign". Patient replies"Cancer"
Doctor looks at test results and says "wow what a coincidence"

What did 50 cent do when he was hungry?
58

You think gas and electricity are expensive. Have you seen chimneys?
They're through the roof

Did you hear about the snail who bought a sports car?
He painted an s on both sides so when he drove past people they would say "look at that s car go"

Over 150 years ago there was a powerful king who ate nothing but sandwiches. Naturally being so powerful the king had enemies. One such enemy gifted him a newly invented sandwich sauce, but behold, it was poisoned! So the King's best friend ran and threw the sauce into the nearest sink hole.
Now every year this act of selfless bravery is celebrated nationwide, as the Sink Hole de Mayo

Question for nonbinary folk
Does this upset you?

1101010101011010011101

What shape is a ship at the bottom of the ocean?
A wrecked tangle

.I sent a photo of myself to a lonely hearts club
THey sent it back stating they aren't that lonely

An inventor friend of mine created a thought-controlled air freshener.
An inventor friend of mine created a thought-controlled air freshener. It sounded like a ridiculous idea, but he said it makes scents when you think about it.

How does Lady Gaga like her steaks?
Raw raw raw raw raw