My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape.
That would be a big step forward.

I bought my wife a brand new iron for Valentines Day, but she got mad and refused to take it.
So I added it to my golf bag.

NSFW-ish
If thousands of people play with themselves at the same time, is this called massturbation?

Just found an old DVD of Jerry Maguire. Favourite part is when Renee Zellwager says "You had me at Ahoy"
I must have a pirated copy

NASA is going to launch a rocket to say sorry to the aliens.
Its called Apollo G.

If a king sleeps on a king sized bed, a queen on a queen sized bed, what kind does a prince sleep on?
An Heir mattress

My friend told me that drinking beer would make him smarter...
But, I don't think anything would make my Budweiser

My wife and kids are leaving me because they say Im obsessed with horse racing.
Im looking out the window at them now

And theyre off.

I bought shoes from a drug dealer once.
I dont know what he laced them with but I was tripping all day long.

My wife asked me why I left the grapes out in the sun after the BBQ on Sunday
I had my raisins

I need everyone to wish me luck. I'm going to the bank and if all goes well, I'll be completely out of debt.
I'm so excited, I can barely put on my ski mask!

My boss asked me why I only get sick on weekdays.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.

My fiancee said that she'll only agree to marry me if I get over my obsession with ambulances.
I can't wait to get down on one knee.. one knee.. one knee.

A "This actually happened" moment.
My wife just found some Rennie in one of her coats. The following exchange occurred:

Her: "Oh save that."

Me: "For a Rennie day?"

Her: The cold silence of someone who simply does not appreciate that level of genius wit and intellect.

My daughter quit her job to become a drug dealer
Now I'm on the hook for 8 years of pharmacy school.

I didn't want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.

A drunk walks into a bar leaving the door slightly open behind him. The bartender yells Close the door. Drunk: l dont see a door. Bartender: lts right behind you! Drunk: You mean the jar? The frustrated the bartender runs around the bar and taps on the door. Door! Door! Door!
Drunk: Sir a door is not a a door when its ajar!

I posted my resume on LinkedIn Park...
Applied so hard and got so far

But in the end I wasn't even hired

Has anyone ever heard about the french Lord of cheese from the 1600s?
He lived in a Roquefort

Why are libraries so tall?
Because they have many stories.

I accidentally drank holy water with my laxative
Im about to start a religious movement.

I used to be a con artist
I did portraits of prisoners

The problem with eating pizza is that when Ive had one I want another, and another
Its the Dominos effect

Why did the coffee file a police report?
It got mugged.

You know, whoever invented solar panels
Had a bright idea.