Just asked my 9-year-old son what he learned in school today.
He said, "apparently not enough because I have to go back tomorrow".

A naked man broke into a church.
The police chased him around and eventually caught him by the organ.

I dont always roll a joint but when I do
Its an ankle

A Pirate went to a dermatologist
A pirate went to a dermatologist to look at some suspicious moles on his back.

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The doctor assured him that theyre benign.

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Arrrrgh, said the pirate, check again because when I counted there be ten!

I had a Russian Uber driver the other day
His name was Pikup Andropov

What's the difference between a teacher and a train?
A teacher says spit out your gum. A train says, "Choo choo!"

This girl texted she didnt want to go out with me because I had boomer vibes and my phone was ancient.
So I got my phone out and replied 666550822553302222777330666669

Ok take care now.

Parachute for sale
Only used once never opened

My wife asked me if I wanted to do lunch at the Vietnamese restaurant on the beach.
I said, "Pho Shore."

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink.
Is everything okay pal? the bartender asks.

My wife and I got into a fight and she isnt talking to me for a month!

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, Well, maybe thats kind of a good thing. You know,..a little peace and quiet?

Yea. But today is the last day!

How do you kill a vegetarian vampire?
With a steak to the heart.

I'm happy to announce I have opened a new paternity testing facility in Indiana
It's called Hoosier daddy

I have always preferred the British spelling for "diarrhea".
"Diarrhoea" really looks like you've lost control of your vowels.

Murphys Law states that what can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Coles Law?
Its thinly sliced cabbage with mayo

Despite the high cost of living
It remains popular

I went to the restroom a fancy restaurant. I saw a sign employees are required to was hands
I waited an hour then went to the manager and told him no one showed up

A Chinese guy goes to the doctor
"Doc, I busted my knee while typing."

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"Knee? How?"

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"Hi doc."

What do you call an actor job where you are killed by an alligator?
A death role.

What do you call a condescending bear?
A pan duh!

My in-laws stopped over for the weekend. My Father-in-law forgot to pack deodorant, so my wife offers the choice of a deodorant and an antiperspirant, and asks "which one would you like?".. he looks, pauses, and replies " ummm"
I chimed in... "give him a minute, he's stinking about it!"

(Of course nobody except my father in law chuckled. :)

Dont eat aluminum
Or you will sheet metal

"I ran a half marathon"
"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon"

What do you call it when you drop a breakfast waffle on a Southern California beach?
A sandy eggo.

My son just now: what do golfers drink when playing golf?
Teas.

I am getting stronger with old age
I can now lift $100 of groceries with one hand