My doctor told me its normal to get aroused and even ejaculate during a prostate exam
Still, I wish he hadnt

Wife: You need to do more chores around the house. Husband: Can we change the subject?
Wife: "Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you".

Difference between a bad hunter and a constipated owl ?
A bad hunter can shoot but can't hit

A constipated owl can hoot but can't.....

I didn't like the mirror my wife bought
But after much reflection I think we should keep it

What do you call a man with a two-inch penis?
Justin

If two vegans quarrel with each other...
Is that still considered a beef?

Our entire calendar is based around when jesus was born
Seriously, we count years starting from his birth, without him we wouldn't have a point to fix our calendar from.

Jesus was born for our since

Why didnt the bicycle drink alcohol?
Couldnt handle bars.

I've got a question for you all, but if you know the answer, don't shout out.
What's the opposite of in?

What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle
Attire

My dad told me that everyones so scared by this salad stomach bug..
Even the church stopped saying Let us Pray

The Coupon Dilemma
A man rushed home to his wife, incredibly proud of himself."Honey, I saved five dollars today! I ran all the way home behind the bus!"

His wife looked at him, shook her head, and sighed."You idiot, why didn't you run behind a taxi and save fifty dollars?"

Usually when I talk about clouds, Im just joking around.
But this time, Im being cirrus.

My local supermarket is raising the price of vodka by a penny tomorrow to $20
So tonight I'm gonna party like it's $19.99.

What happened to the salmon upstream?
He went against the flow... just for the halibut.

I asked the librarian if they had any books that could help me manage my paranoia.
"They're right behind you," she whispered.

What do skinny jeans and the Whitehouse have in common?
No ballroom...

Weve been calling them mashed potatoes this whole time
When we could have been calling them pattoes

Last January I saw a sign at REI.
"This is the winter of our discount tents."

What sign do nuclear power plant operators put on their desk when out on vacation?
Gone fission.

My date asked what I did for work. I told her I get paid to participate in sleep studies. She said, Thats actually really cool!
Im like, Yeah its my dream job.

The CEOs of Lancme and Este Lauder had a huge argument last week.
I think theyll makeup soon.

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed
after 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evivdence

Trees dont seem to have any fun when going to a sawmill
They always come out looking board.

How the dish got its name
We were having Sunday dinner when my young grandson asked me how the chicken dish that we were eating got its name. I explained to him that years ago there was a Italian baseball player who loved to cook, and this was his favorite meal. I told him that he played for any teams and managed the Yankees! As a ball player, he was a catcher. I told him that his name was Joe Torre. Then my grandson remarked, so thats why they named it Chicken catcher Torre. He gave us all a good laugh and I figured Id be long gone before he figured out that I was lying to him.