It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But harder to deter gents.

My wife looked out the window and asked, How did you finally get our lawn to grow like that? I said, Every morning this week, I sprinkled my protein powder on the wet grass.
She nodded. Ah well that was whey over dew.

Whats the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One weighs a ton, and the other is a little lighter

Iamonthemoonandthereisnowheretogetabeer
.

Thereisnospacebar.

I crossed cheetah and crab DNA.
It went sideways really fast.

What's the worst series to make a Lego version of?
One Piece

Who designs all the buildings in the oceans?
Sharkitects.

Did you hear about the Transformer who's move is to just play dead until the trouble blows over?
Opossumus Prime.

I started brewing my own beer, Lumberjack
It's a lager

Whats a vampires favorite fruit?
A necktarine!

Whats a good last name for a Bear
Withmeplease

Whats the difference between a foot and a yard
You cant shit on your neighbors foot in the middle of the night.

Why do they get excited when the phone rings in Hawaii?
Its always potential spam !

A male e-reader and a female e-reader went to couples therapy.
In hopes to rekindle that relationship.

My neighbor had help from a demon to pickle some cucumbers.
She made a dill with the devil

I just opened up a new archeological museum. What is it called?
Remains to be seen...

Rice-shaped pasta? Doesn't exist
Orzo I thought.

I was arrested for playing loud music in my garden.

I was charged with disturbing the peas.

Why did the zombie cross the road?
Because he was dying to eat you.

I used to drive a hearse.
It was fun because everyone was dying to get a ride. I made a killing.

This weekend's forecast calls for rane, hale, gailz, drissle, thun-durr, litneen, hy-tydes, tawnaydoes, and frizzing colde...
Looks like a really bad Spell of weather.

A guy comes into the doctors office with both of his ears burned
The doctor asks, how did this happen. The man says I was ironing and the phone rang, so I mistook the iron for the phone. Puzzled, the doctor asks, well then how did you burn the other ear? The phone rang again says the man.

i asked my date to meet me at the gym but she ghosted me
i don't think we're gonna work out

A question about keyboards with the UK layout.
Do they have a spacepub?