How do you spell candy only using two letters? C and Y.
Ice cream truck pulled onto our street. I asked the driver, Do you carry Rolexes, Timexes, or heck even Casios? He looked confused and said, Sir, respectfully... what are you talking about?
I pointed, Your sign Watch for Children.
I want Kenny Loggins to marry Walton Goggins and open up a winter sports supply store in Lousiana
Come one come all to Loggins-Goggins Toboggans in Nawlins!!
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew chew train.
Women cancelled car appointment and I had a perfect comeback
Yesterday I was waiting for my car repair to get finished at the shop and a customer called in to cancel her appointment and her reason was "she came down with the sickness". I immediately chimed in and said she must be Disturbed! Had everybody chuckling and saying it was the perfect Dad jokes to which I replied that I doubt that many people at my age (62) would even get it. Thought I would share it as I rarely have an instant comeback like that.
A snake walks into a bar
The bartender asks "how'd you do that"
Just wanted to say that I endorse podiums
Thats one product I can stand behind
What do you call a poor classical musician?
Baroque.
I asked my wife, Can you help me? Im stuck on a crossword clue, 'overworked postman'. She replied, Sure, how many letters? I said, I don't know!"
Im guessing, too many!
Birth.My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school.
I gave birth zero times and I don't fit in my pants from March.
Our son was feeling a little down, so we decided to get him a puppyHis mother wanted to get him a Collie.
I wanted to get a Lab
Our daughter wanted to get a Dalmation
We decided to get a mix of all three
I guess you could call it a Collaboration
What do you call a cult thats hard to get into?
Difficult
What do you call karate for amputees?
Partial arts
If I want to stream a production of Hamlet
Should I watch Tubi or not Tubi?
I lost my job as an elevator operator
Suddenly things went sideways.
Two guys walk into a bar.
Third guy ducks.
I think I need to take an opportunity for a career change, my house got bitten earlier this week by a werewolf, so Im thinking about getting into shipping and receiving.
Since I now have a werehouse.
Why was the little drop of ink crying?
His dad was in the pen and he didn't know how long the sentence was.
What's the difference between shopping at the truck dealership and shopping at the Disney Store?At one you get a Toyota Tacoma
At the other you get to take home a toy Yoda.
I asked my dog whats 2-2?
He said nothing.
He was drowning and I threw him some candy!
The packaging read Lifesavers.
Souping up my portfolioI have started investing in stock.
Chicken stock, beef stock, vegetable stock.
One day, I'll be a bouillonaire.
A man is crawling through the desert, dying of thirst...The desert is blazing hot, and he's desperate for water. He comes upon a traveling merchant. He crawls up to the merchant and says "water, please! Water! Water!"
The merchant says "I don't have any. I'm a tie salesman. Would you like to buy a tie?" The guy replies "No! I need water! I'm so thirsty! Water!"
The merchant says "Well I told you I don't have any. But go west about 10 miles or so, and there is a small inn where you can get water." The guy crawls off. A couple of days go by, and the guy comes crawling back to the merchant. He looks even worse than before.
The merchant asks "what's wrong? Didn't they give you water at the inn?"
The guy replies "they wouldn't let me in without a tie."
If an anemone stings you...
Its now an enemy
I need to re-home a dog.Its a small terrier and tends to bark a lot.
If you're interested, let me know and Ill jump over my neighbors fence and get it for you.