Political opinions are like dicks
Its okay to have them, just dont shove them down peoples throats.

How is a handwritten letter like a lazy dog?
A handwritten letter is an ink lined plane.
An inclined plane is a slope up.
A slow pup is a lazy dog.

At dinner, I asked my date if she was religious. She said she was still deciding because the Baptists wanted her to join, but so did the Catholics, an Orthodox Jewish congregation, and even a Hindu temple.
I said, Wow You clearly have some serious sects appeal.

Tried to park my car up in a residential area. One of the people that lived there shouted over to me you cant park here unless you have a felt frog on your windscreen
Apparently, I needed a parking Kermit.

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with wearing a different t-shirt every hour.
I said, Wait, I can change.

My wife is mad because every time she farts I hold a lighter up to her butt.
She says I need to stop gaslighting her.

I'm thinking about breeding racing deer.
I'm looking to make a quick buck...

I'm heartbroken because my car is missing from the garage where I parked it last night.
It's a red Ford Escape

Whats the difference between Indian & Vietnamese cuisine?
Ones Nan-profit while the other is Pho-profit

Some idiot threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me!!!!!
Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil.

My friend opened the fridge and a bag of pumped breastmilk fell out.
"Oh, sorry!" I said. "The fridge is boobie-trapped!"

My mother worked 12 hours every day just to put food on the table.
Amazing woman, but slowest cook ever.

I went out for a meal and ordered the Rabbit stew.
I had to return it. It had a hare in it.

The gap between rungs on a ladder keeps increasing as the world's population keeps growing taller and taller. This phenomenom is officially known as...
Climb-It Change.

Ive heard a way of avoiding the winter weight gain is to wear gloves. Making it harder to hold calorific items.
Some might even say Im into mitten fasting.

Did you hear about Willy Nelson getting hit by a car?
He was playing On The Road Again

What kid of trousers does a ghost hunter wear?
Just a paranormal jeans

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian
Do you have that book for men with small penises?

The librarian looks on her computer and says, I dont know if its in yet.

The man replies, Yeah, thats the one!

I'm very pleased with my new fridge magnet
So far I've got eight fridges

Yesterday I bought a 12 year old Scotch
His mom was furious!

What do radios eat?
Ham.

With regret we announce that the CEO of Ricola Swiss Lozenges has passed away.
There was no coffin at the funeral.

When I was a kid, my parents had a cat named Butter because of his color...
When he passed away years later, they were heartbroken. So I got them another cat that looked exactly the same and they named him...

I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!

Old McDonald had a farm. E I, E I, O
New McDonald had a data farm
AI, AI, O

My friend: My doctor is always rushing. He has no time to listen to my concerns. How is your doctor?
Me: My doctor is patient.