How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Trump said he did it and they all clap in the dark

My wife says that I don't respect her privacy.
At least that's what it says in her diary.

I rushed to the hospital after hearing my mother had been admitted. I asked, What happenedis she okay?! The doctor explained she got stuck in a handstand during her yoga class and warned me, Everything is upside down to her for now.
I walked into her room and was like, Wow

Fun Fact: George Washington employed poultry for counter-espionage efforts against the Loyalists.
He called it Operation Chicken Cacciatore.

If the founding fathers were anti-gay, why did Washington always brag about going home to...
mount Vernon?

I couldn't find anyone to sing with me...
So I bought a duet yourself kit.

I once dated a meter maid
She was fine

What did the police officer say to his belly button?
Youre under a vest.

I really appreciate the laminate countertops in our new kitchen.
My wife took it for granite though.

Today, my son asked, Can I have a bookmark?
I burst into tears11 years old and he still doesnt know my name is Brian.

Look, if you're an Argentina fan, a win is a win
even if it was a little Messi.

What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Open toad.

What do you call a twitchy cow?
Beef jerky

What kind of bees produce milk?
Boobees

When I layed down in bed I saw a Chinese man above me..
It was C. Ling

Did you know Canada has a fourth of July?
And a fifth of July, and a sixth of July, and...

I want to die quietly in my sleep like my grandfather
Not screaming and crying like the passengers on his bus.

A revolution event
Back in 1776, during the War of Independence, there were folks that remained loyal to King George III of England and were known as Tories. One such person was a spy, unbeknownst to the local Minutemen (gee, a known spy?). Each night he would sneak around the town listening in on colonialists' conversations and peeking into their homes.

One night he was seen through the window and the owner ran out to try to apprehend the spy. But the spy wasn't found. But then there came a ruckus from the neighbor's chicken coop. The alarm was raised and a search party entered the coop but they couldn't find the spy.

As they were leaving, one of the roosters started crowing, even though it was late in the evening, and pecking at the ground covered in straw. The searchers raked away the straw and found the spy hiding.

For it's help in catching the spy the townspeople decreed that the rooster should never be subjected to the oven and they posted a proclamation to that effect to honor the first chicken to catch a Tory.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be an astronaut. But my father crushed those dreams years ago.
He'd always say: "For you, son, the sky's the limit!"

As the contestants entered the Artist of the Year competition, each walked past a table filled with pencils and paints.
They eagerly grabbed a pencil before settling at their easels, and sketched furiously until their final pieces were complete.

The judge slowly inspected the artworks, then threw up his hands and exclaimed

Im sorry to say, we have no winners. Everyone drew!

Soccer joke
Q: Why doesnt Ronaldo ever have to clean his room?
A: Because hes not Messi

Sorry I couldnt answer your call while I was at the buffet
I just had a lot on my plate

EX-LAX wants to hire a band to promote their product. Hmmm...
I am suggesting The Go-Go's. Who else?

Im rooting for the West African soccer team to beat Colombia
But Im afraid they Ghana lose.

How do they welcome new members at a nudist colony?
with a bear hug.