What do you call a dog on a submarine?
Subwoofer (I'll see myself out)

My wife told me to stop being an idiot, and just be myself.
I told her to make up her mind.

I used to work with a woman called Ina
Whenever anyone would say Hi Ina, she'd laugh her head off.

When grandma suspected grandad of cheating she was like a dog with a bone.
She buried him in the garden.

I asked the Dr what vitamins are the best to make me feel like I was before I was 13
He said, B12

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up,said a sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one student rose to her feet.

Now then young lady, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer.

Well, actually I don't," said the girl, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

They closed the local bridge today...
I still can't get over it.

A blind man walks into a store and starts swinging his dog above his head. A clerk asks him" can I help you?"
The blind man says "no , I'm just looking around."

I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying.
I can also tell when they're standing.

After an argument, a man sat in his man cave throwing darts at a photo of his wife but not a single one was hitting the target
His wife yelled from upstairs, What in the hell are you doing?

He replied, Missing you!

I was surprised to learn Elon Musk is from South Africa.
Youd think he is from Mad-at-gas-car.

When I was on trial, my proctologist served as a key character witness. Later, I asked him why he decided to help me out.
He said, "It's not just you. I stand behind all my patients."

What do snakes do after they fight?
They hiss and make up.

My friend asked me how much it costs to dispose of dead batteries.
I said 'No charge'.

My wife and I went to a fancy restaurant for dinner last night.
As we were settling in on our table, our Server said "Comfortable, sir?"

Me: No, ComeForFood!

I bought a used dictionary at a local flea market. I got it cheap because someone had torn out both the first few and last few pages from the book.
Trying to actually use the dictionary was difficult, however: it only went from bad to worse.

As I got off the elevator, the operator said, Have a good day, son. I said, Dont call me son. Youre not my dad.
He replied, Maybe not but I did bring you up.

There was an apartment of 5 ants, 5 more ants moved into that apartment.
Now their tenants

I wasn't sure about getting a brain transplant
Then I changed my mind.

Why did Trump write in all caps?
He believes capitalism is the only way.

What do you call a duck on drugs?
A quack head!

How fast do you have run when you're late for your flight?
Terminal velocity.

Even though I drink brake fluid all the time, Im not addicted.
I can stop whenever I want

If the earth was flat..
Cats would push everything off

From ACNH
I'd not heard it before. From Pascal (the otter).

If you don't have enough utensils to attack all the food on your plate, you need reinforkments, maan.