I said to my son, "I need a battery so I can tell the time." He asked, "Is it for a clock?" I answered...
"I don't know! That's why I need the battery!"

My wife caught me riding a dolphin. I said it was accidental
but she swears it was on porpoise.

My wife said, "I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with Tennis.
I replied, "That's 15 love."

I'm starting a vibrator repair service.
I'm calling it "Inspect Her Gadget."

I studied dad jokes in college
I majored in sighcology

Why didn't Noah fish when he was on the Ark?
Because he only had two worms

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.
And then I saw her face

What kind of music does a chiropractor listen to?
Hip-Pop

What do you call a sad strawberry?
A blueberry

What happens to computers when they turn 13?
They go through pu-QWERTY.

People said Id never get over my obsession with Phil Collins.
But take a look at me now.

What is the difference between people from Abu Dhabi and the people from Dubai?
People from Dubai dont watch the Flintstones, but the people from Abu Dhabi do.

I have a joke for all you mind readers out there:
...pretty good right?

Yall heard about the reverse exorcism the other day?
the devil was tryna pull the priest out of a little boy

The Earth is 70% water, and it's not carbonated.
So the Earth really is flat.

I recently adopted a dog from a blacksmith
As soon as we got home he made a bolt for the door

Why did the baker become a thief
he needed the dough

Why are math books so stressed
They have a limitless number of problems that need to be solved

Whats the difference between boogers and spinach?
Kids dont eat spinach

Ski trip.
I went on a ski trip.

It started off fine but went downhill fast.

Why did the Wendy's manager divorce his wife?
Because a Baconator.

What do you call a pile of cats?
A meow-ntain

Mowing with son
My son and I are about to mow. Mower doesnt start. Frustrated, he gets the gas can with a loose cap. He turns around without looking, runs into my backside. The cap falls to the ground.

I tell him an empty mower is no reason to bust a cap on me.

He tells me he hates the joke.

I let him know its ok to fuel that way.

He rolls his eyes.

When he goes to start the mower, I realized that really got his motor revving.

What is it called when a banana eats another banana?
Cannibananabalism.

Whats a musicians favourite pet?
Trumpet.