As an inexperienced mountain climber, I will say Sherpas are a waste of time
and I will die on this hill

What three letter word starts with gas?
Car

The contractor cant guarantee hell remove ALL of the toxic chemicals from your house
But hell try asbestos he can

My kid came home from school in tears. I asked, What happened, bud? The English teacher sent me to the principals office for being disrespectful! In front of the whole class she asked if I would like to demonstrate a polite decline.
I looked her right in the eye and said no thanks.

I tried donating blood once. Just once, never again!
Too many stupid questions:
Where'd you get it? Whose blood is it? Why is it in a bucket?

I ordered giant duck at a fancy restaurant the other day...
The bill was huge!

My wife says I'm not doing enough house chores.
She said "if you could at least reduce the cheese block in small pieces, that'd be grate."

Customers are very excited about the new entre at the Cannibal restaurant.
They say it's the best thing since sliced Brad.

When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When the punchline is ...apparent.

A ghost tried to scam me
But I saw through it.

Today marks the 10 year anniversary of when I was scammed by that rental car company.
Even after all these years, it still Hertz.

Cars keep stalling in the chunnel and tow trucks are required to pull them out. Incidents are on the rise and the phenomenon is being referred to it as...
car-pull tunnel syndrome

In my thirties, my cough started sounding like an elderly mans, so I went to the doctor.
He said I have oldmonia.

I no longer speak to my son
Ever since my wife and I realized hes too cute for words!

If you asked me which country I want Togo to...
I'd tell you there's no country I've not Benin!

I live right next to a cemetery
People are dying to move in.

Did you hear about all the un-dead roaming around Ancient Greek ruins?
Its the zombie Acropolis.

I ordered a book called The Key to Reliable Logistics.
It was lost in transit.

The female janitor asked me if I wanted to smoke weed with her.
I said no; I dont like high maintenance women

I texted my date that I was looking forward to taking her to my favorite Italian spot. She wrote back, Um sorry, those places are usually rat-infested. Ok, then Chinese? Ew, cockroaches! Greek? They probably have termites. How about you meet my dog for a nice walk? Nah she likely has fleas.
I had no idea I was dealing with such a pestimist.

I'm not up to date with modern technology.
I just found my sofa behind the TV remote.

I enjoy fish fingers, but they freak me out...
...like, what do they do with the rest of the fish?

I took my car for a service on Sunday.
Bur it wouldn't fit through the church doors.

Someone just tried to sell me a coffin.
That's the last thing I need.

A minister, a priest, and a rabbit walk into a blood clinic. The minister goes "I'm a Type-A". The priest goes "I'm a Type-B".
The rabbit goes "I think I'm a Type-O".