Whats worse than a box full of snakes?
A box that was SUPPOSED to be full of snakes.

Did you know Dolly Parton was terrible at mathematics? She even had a song about it...
"Adding 9 to 5, what a way to make 11."

I went to the doctor's last week and it turns out I'm both gay and dyslexic.
I'm still in Daniel.

When I got to work, there was a mysterious love letter covered in slime on my desk.
Looks like I have a secrete admirer.

I'm at the age where I no longer care if I look good in photos...
I just wanna look good in CT scans, MRIs, and X-rays...

I dont want to brag but last year I ran two marathons in 1 day.
My first marathon and my last marathon.

When I make Eggs Benedict I only use metal plates...
Because theres no plates like chrome for the hollandaise.

I told a friend that my aunt is in hospital, passing the time by playing draughts, ludo and mahjong.
"Any chess?" he asked.

"No. She's gone private."

Me: "Dad, can you spell wonton backwards?"
Dad: "Not now."

A hacker once called me and said he has all my passwords
I said, "WHAT!? Hold on. Let me get a pen. Now, what are they again?"

Sad news - the man who first got men and women playing tennis together in groups of four passed away last week
RIP Mick Stubbles

At dinner, my date asked what my favorite movie was. I said, Well, recently its Aquaman. She said, Oh, thats a good one! Except whats the deal with him insisting on tuning his harp in front of everyone?
I said, Oh, thats just a tension sea king behavior.

How many Communists does it take to change a lightbulb?
none, for the lightbulb contains the seed of its own glorious revolution..

Thought Id try and get a Broadway award for a fake play about pasta.
Turns out you cant rigatoni.

Just when you think vegetables cant call
Onion rings

What did Ken from Street Fighter say when I asked if I could get his autograph?
SURE YOU CAN!!!

What do babies do on the internet?
Google gaga

I I T Y W Y B M A D
Real life experience: in an Air Force officers mess, in Ikeja, Lagos State, Nigeria, on the bar is written and spaced out,

I I T Y W Y B M A D

I ended up buying about 6 drinks for my friends. As a civilian, you tend to leave such alone, believing it's military, but curiousity always gets you.

After a couple of beers, I asked my friend, an Air Force officer, what does that mean, he replied .... If I tell you will you buy me a drink? No problem, I replied, but what does it mean? That's how I owed him 6 beers.

Why did the prairie dog go to the bank?
It needed to burrow some money

My daughter said her friend is allergic to pears
I told her she should try eating one at a time.

My girlfriend accused me of having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerwchllyndrobwllllandysiliogogogoch.
I said, "How can you say such a thing?!"

How do you fix a broken jack-o-lantern?
With a pumpkin patch

While playing golf today I hit two good balls.
I stepped on a rake.

WENT TO A BODY PART Themed Store, and got a...
Footstool, an Armchair and a REALLY nice Headboard. What you get?

Whats worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?
Biting into an apple and finding HALF a worm.