Why does Tiger Woods wear two condoms?
In case he gets a hole in one
Why did the baby habanero put on a jacket?
It was a little chilli.
Who led the Jewish people across a semi permeable membrane?
Os-Moses.
Why is Santa so jolly?
He knows where all the naughty girls live.
While out for a hike, I was surprised to find a Subaru SUV in the woods
I guess I couldn't see the Forester for the trees
What do you call an Asian Dwayne Johnson?
The Wok.
Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar.
Batman follows them in.
[NSFW] What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?
A Dicktater
Just found out my friend died from heartburn
Can't believe that Gav is gone
Some day, Canada is going to take over the world.
Then you'll all be sorry.
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs that has been sitting on the shelf for a while?
Dusty
The tower in Pisa was fine,
until the bank put a lean on it.
Never lend Columbo your phone
He always cracks the case
Spouse got me with this one today
We should be at Costco early enough to try the new brunch at the food court. (Paused so I knew a punchline was coming) It's the same as their regular menu items, but you get a brunch of them.
What did the left leg say to the right leg?
"That guy in the middle is a bit of a dick, isn't he?"
An assassin has recorded an album
It is a hit.
What did the shoes say to the pants?
What's up, britches?
Why did the plane get grounded?
He had a bad altitude.
Heard a great Dad joke at DisneylandSon: Are we going to Tomorrowland today?
Dad: No, we are going tomorrow. It's not called Todayland.
Why did the nuclear reactor become a dad?
Because he loved fission with progeny, never had a meltdown under pressure, and always kept the lights on for the whole family!
How does God like His meat?
Well done, my good and faithful servant.
Theres an old stereotype that dead horses get turned into glue. But with modern synthetic adhesives, theyve shockingly been re-routed to the food industry, Making spreads to put on sandwiches.
Its called Mayo-NeighNeighs
what kind of insurance does bernie sanders have?
progresssive
I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places.
He said, "Stop going to those places."
The various pieces of furniture were anxious to start the meeting
But they were waiting for the chair.