My dad was a conjoined twin.
We referred to him as my uncle on my fathers side. Dont worry, they were surgically separated so now hes my uncle once removed.
A grammar book walks into a bar
* An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.

* A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

* A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

* An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

* Two quotation marks walk into a bar.

* A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intents and purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

* Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

* A question mark walks into a bar?

* A non sequitur walks into a bar.
In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

* Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."

* A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.

* A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.

* Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.

* A synonym strolls into a tavern.

* At the end of the day, a clich walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

* A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.

* Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.

* A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.

* An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.

* The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.

* A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

* The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

* A dyslexic walks into a bra.

* A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.

* A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.

* A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.

* A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony .

Jill Thomas Doyle

Did you hear about the Wu-Tang Clan member who found Jesus?
Now he goes by Methodist Man
What has stripes, two legs and looks like half a tiger
The other half of the tiger
How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of crime?
They just ransomware.
What do you call an Asian man with an amputated leg?
Lim-Ping!
Horses eat hay. What do cows eat?
The udder stuff.
Prisoners.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...

They'd be called cellfies.

A swimmer was asked what her favourite stroke was
She replied The one that killed Margaret Thatcher
A patient tells their therapist they are afraid the car will get trapped in a tunnel with many people inside.
The therapist asks if there is a name for that specific fear, and the patient replies, "Carpool tunnel syndrome".
Whats the technical term for a lack of cats?
A pawcity.
I've been terribly depressed lately. I really feel like my world is ending, and the only thing that will make me feel better is a puppy.
This is my cry for whelp.
What died when it hit the mainstream?
The tributary
Do you know what 50 Cent did when he was hungry?
58
I opened up a deer cloning business...
my goal is to make a quick buck.
My ceiling isnt the best ..
But it's up there!
There is a condition called "hypophantasia" where people are unable to envision things in their mind.
I can't imagine what that must be like.
Playing the long game
Ever since my son was born when giving him milk, ive always made a production out of it. swirling it around in front of his face, sometimes zig-zaggs, or adding chanting before handing it to him or setting it in front of him. he rolls his eyes like im nuts and thats until today! At ten years old he had a friend sleep over and at breakfast I asked if they wanted milk with their pancakes. the polite young guest said yes please!

well, i hear my son whisper just ignore him hes weird with the milk.

of course i do my bit swirling the milk around in front of their faces making swooshing noises before setting it down.

the guest says, Mr ____, what are you doing? we arent babies

I know, but my father taught me that its very dangerous to drink milk that hasnt been past your eyes.

A huge groan and my son says, Wait! youve been doing that my whole life. it was a setup for a dad joke? this whole time!?!? OMG!

Why was Gibraltar voted the best holiday destination?
Because it rocks.
Buenos Aires during the World Cup is probably the Messi-est cities Ive ever seen.
Sent this to my daughter and was rather proud of myself!!!
First time contributor, long time lurker.
Knock Knock.
Whos there?
Woo.
Woo who?!?

Man Im proud of this one.

Why does the genie need his lamp to be rubbed in order to appear?
Because hes a frictional character.
What starts with a W and ends with a T.
No really, it does!
How does Enya season her food?
Only thyme.
My boss gave me an average rating
I said "that's mean".