Asked my wife if she knew that Bruce Lee had a brother who didnt tolerate joking around. She rolled her eyes and said, Seriously?
Im like, Oh youve heard of him!

My wife said she's leaving me because of my Star Wars obsession
So I said: may divorce be with you.

[Classic] My wife was giving me the silent treatment after an argument in the car. She saw a field of cows and muttered, your relatives?
I said, Yes.. in-laws.

Why are cops always early?
So they can beat the crowd!

Pirate Ship Captain: I am desperate. Can someone tell me how to write the number 2 in Roman numerals?
Crew: I I Captain.

Some food still on dads plate
Waiter: You wanna box for that?

Dad: Nah, Im not going to fight you for it.

A little boy ran up to me and said "please help, my Dad is in a fight". I followed and we came across two men fighting. I said, "Ok, which one is your Dad"?
"I dunno, that's what they're fighting about".

My eye doctor just informed me that I'm colorblind!!!
That news really came out of the purple for me.

What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand?
Quatro cinco.

Im writing a book about a French undercover spy.
Whose name is Harry and his cover is that hes a green bean farmer.

Im calling it: Harry Covert

What kind of race is never run?
A swim race

It is really unfortunate that Islam, Christianity, and Judaism have been fighting each other for centuries.
Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.

Why has nobody stolen the lakes in Scotland?
Because they keep them under loch and quay.

---

This might be original content as I just thought of it, but quite possibly it's been thought of before, with input from a friend adding the "quay" part.

What is a kangaroo's favourite kind of music genre?
Hip Hop

Why do mummy kangaroos always hate wet days?
Because their kids play inside.

What does Superman use to trim his toenails?
Clip-toe-nite

"I see." Said the blind carpenter...
...as he picked up his hammer and saw.

I saw a bunch of big cats in Bangkok
They were thaigers

Where does Walmart keep their Terminator toys?
Aisle B, Back.

How do most cannibals start their day?
With a nice cup of Joe.

I might be old but still have the memory of an elephant.
When I was 4 years old, I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.

What do you call a melancholy robot?
A sigh-borg.

My wife asked me if I had seen the dog bowl?
I asked her who had been taking him bowling.

How do you measure the effectiveness of a dad joke?
With a Sighs-mo-graph.

I listed my Kia online and the Devil reached out to me
I sold him my Soul