A naked man broke into a church.
The police chased him around and eventually caught him by the organ.

I have always preferred the British spelling for "diarrhea".
"Diarrhoea" really looks like you've lost control of your vowels.

I'm happy to announce I have opened a new paternity testing facility in Indiana
It's called Hoosier daddy

This girl texted she didnt want to go out with me because I had boomer vibes and my phone was ancient.
So I got my phone out and replied 666550822553302222777330666669

Ok take care now.

"I ran a half marathon"
"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon"

I am getting stronger with old age
I can now lift $100 of groceries with one hand

I remember when I read the dictionary as a kid.
It was a defining moment in my childhood.

My wife asked why I had come to bed covered head to toe in numbers.
I explained, Well, me and the kids were just doing their math homework

You did tell them they could always count on me.

Knock Knock. Whos thereGrandma..
Wait wait .. stop the funeral

A Chinese guy goes to the doctor
"Doc, I busted my knee while typing."

​

"Knee? How?"

​

"Hi doc."

A broken leg
I was a carpenter, working late on a jobsite once. The boss was letting me get some overtime - we had an inspection scheduled for the next morning. Somehow I slipped off the ladder and hit the floor twelve feet below.

I landed with my leg bent back, obviously broken. I lay between the lumber pile and the wall with no way to crawl out. The pain was excruciating. Cell phones were lawyers' toys back then.

The boss usually came in at 7:00 AM. Waiting until then? Endless. There was one other hope, a plumber named Donald who liked to come in early, right when it got light. Big Donald, we called him. He probably weighed three hundred pounds, a stereotypical plumber whose pants were usually so low you wondered how they stayed up.

Darkness dragged on. I tried not to count on Donald showing up. There was a chance, but if he didn't I'd be waiting another two hours. Relief! I heard Donald's truck pull in just as the darkness shifted to gray.

He walked past me. I tried to say his name but could hardly speak. I tried again, louder this time. He stopped, his back to me, and looked around. Once more, then he turned around and saw me.

Never before or since have I felt as relieved to see the crack of Don.

Man: Theres no more spots left on the archery team
Me: maybe you can pull some strings?

A lot of people dont understand how the US Mint works.
It actually makes a lot of cents though.

What is the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a tricycle.
Attire

I told my boss there was a hole in the women's bathroom door
He said, "I'm going to look into that right away!"

My son just now: what do golfers drink when playing golf?
Teas.

In the US we have the right to remain silent
But only a few of us have the ability

My wife said she spent all day making jelly. I asked her what the hardest part was. She leaned over and shouted the answer into my ear.
It was jarring.

Have you heard of the disc jockey who kept playing the same songs again and again?
DJ Vu

Why did the fireman retire?
He was burned out.

WHOEVER SAID OUT OF SIGHT OUT OF MIND
NEVER HAD A RATTLE SNAKE DISAPPEAR IN THEIR BEDROOM

In England it's called a lift, but in America it's called an elevator.
I guess people are just raised differently.

Had a little scare today.
Was doing some house chores and working along the side of the house. Heard a big commotion and went around the corner to the front to find some guy kicking at the door on the porch. Cops were right behind him yelling at me to stay back. They cuffed him and hauled him down the drive into a car. I made sure Loni was ok and talked to one of the officers. The said he had been spotted in the area stealing packages from porches and they finally caught up with him at our place. We didn't have anything but since they caught him on our porch I had to be the one to file charges. Just got a call from the police department a few moments ago that they had to release him as they failed to read him his veranda rights.

Benign moles
Captain Hook, a pirate (ICYDK), went to a dermatologist to examine suspicious moles on his neck.

"They're benign", the doctor assured the Captain.

Argh, said Hook. Check again doc. I counted there be ten!

yeah

Murphys Law states that what can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Coles Law?
Its thinly sliced cabbage with mayo