Late one night, a guy is speeding down an empty road. A cop sees him fly past, gives chase, and pulls him over.
The cop walks up and asks, Sir, are you aware of how fast you were going?
Yes, the man says. I was trying to escape a robbery I was involved in.
The cop raises an eyebrow. Were you the one being robbed?
Oh no, the man replies casually. I committed the robbery. I was escaping.
Now the cop is stunned. So youre telling me you were speeding and you committed a robbery?
Yes, the man says calmly. All the loot is in the trunk.
The cop reaches for the keys. Sir, youre coming with me.
Dont do that! the man shouts. Im afraid that youll find the loaded gun in my glove compartment!
The cop jerks his hand back, retreats to his cruiser, and calls for backup.
Within minutes, police cars surround the area, helicopters hover overhead. The man is dragged out, handcuffed, and marched toward a squad car.
Just before they put him in, another officer says, pointing to the original cop, Sir, this officer says you committed a robbery, had stolen loot in your trunk, and a loaded gun in your glove compartment. But we didnt find any of that.
The man sighs and says, Yeah, and I bet that liar told you I was speeding too!
I went out with a grammar teacher last night. I mentioned my colon, she talked about her period.
Thats about all we had in comma.
Doctor, I think I have ADHD. I can never remember where I parked my Ford.Doctor: Thats not how ADHD works.
Man: But I keep losing my Focus.
Someone glued my deck of cards together
I'm having a hard time dealing with it.
Why is it easier to weigh a fish than a cat?
Because fish come with their own scales.
Why cant crocodiles drink milk?
because they are lacoste intolerant
When I was a kid at fat camp I fell in love with the biggest girl there.
She was my first crush.
My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back?
After kissing my wife on the couch she said lets take this upstairs.
Ok, I said. You grab one end and Ill grab the other.
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An Investigator.
I told my wife a hilarious joke about spaghetti but she didnt get it
It went right pasta
My friend always cracks cancer puns
i dont like his sense of tumour
My father worked 12 hours a day to put food on the table.
Great dad. Slow cook.
How much does a pirate pay for corn
a buck an ear
My wife is mad at me for getting her a fake rabbit's foot for our anniversary.
I guess that's considered a faux paw.
Why do Egyptian alligators have emotional issues?
Because they are in de Nile.
What do you call a Porta Potty that only works half the time?
Sorta Potty!
Whats the secret ingredient in Nutella?
Im nutellin you..
What do you call a good corn on the cob?
Amaizeing!
Which dinosaur is the worst driver?
The tyrannosaurus wrecks
Your constant urge to look at yourself in the mirror,
reflects badly on your character.
How did the barber win the race?
He knew a short cut.
Ziplock started making underwear
I tried a pair but they were just a little baggy
Some of my posts do well, some dont do so well
Thats why my fencing business failed
How do Australians say goodbye to each other?
Oi, see you next Tuesday!