I am not saying I'm attractive
But when I take off my clothes in the bathroom.... I turn the shower on

Is it just me, or is everyone on this sub good looking?
Nope. Guess it's just me.

I tried to get a loan to write a book about trigonometry
But I couldnt get anyone to cosine

If you see a crime at an apple store.
Does that make you an iWitness?

I lost my job because of illness and fatigue.
My boss was sick and tired of me.

[NSFW] Wifey told me she tried anal with a baguette.
Apparently it was a pain in the ass.

I think its a great idea to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit.
But thats just my two scents.

I saw a film that was G, PG-13, and R all at once.
That movie was so overrated.

I can answer any question. Any question in the world!
What? No you can't! I can think of plenty of things you can't answer!

Yes I can. I can answer ANY question!

Oh yeah? what is the capital of Liechtenstein?

I don't know.

What happened in 1980s that caused global warming to increase so rapidly?
I was born. And became hotter every year...

I won't do airplane jokes anymore.
Last time I tried one, it didn't land well.

My wife came up with a groaner today: what is a banshee's favorite country artist?
Waylon Jennings

"That's a nice ham you got there." The butcher said...
"Would be a shame if I put 's' in front of it and 'e' at the end..."

The Argentinian football team was checking out of their hotel. All the players' rooms were neat except one.
It was Messi.

My wife and I decided we dont want to have kids so I went and got a vasectomy.
But when I got home they were still there

My buddy set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby."
I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper...

I realized the best name for your car is Link.
Not only is it a Zelda reference, but every time you park, you can say you left Link in Park.

(I just thought of this one today.)

My wife asked if I wanted to try roleplay...
I said, "Sure... I'll be the guy who already folded the laundry."

Why did the face win the race?
Because it was a-head!

How could the barista tell which latte was for the golfer?
There was whole in one.

Why couldn't the skeleton go to the dance?
He had no BODY to dance with.

I ordered a deck of cards from Amazon, but it hasnt arrived yet
Customer service told me they are dealing with it

A man came up to me in the street the other day.
He said, "Derf! Your hair is getting thin!"

I looked at him and said, "Well, who wants fat hair?"

With grapefruit
Comes grape responsibility.

A man was found angrily screaming in the anti-perspirant aisle at Walmart
He was in the middle of a deodor-rant!