Why aren't there more mom jokes?
Because she already told them once and she's not repeating herself.

Did you hear about the dictator who walked into a bar?
He ordered everyone around.

Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in the water....
.....you can safely wear it on your head....because it's capsized

Why did the transgender man only eat salad?
Because he was a her before.

My father was a cojoined twin
we used to refer to his brother as my uncle on my father's side.

they were surgically separated

now he's my uncle once removed

The oldest computer was an Apple owned by Adam and Eve
It had extremely limited memory only one byte, and then everything crashed.

What do you call a soldier having a wank during battle?
Tug of war.

Tony said to not say his name backward
I just said y not?

I don't know why everybody dislikes vegans.
Personally I have never had a beef with them

A cannibal was on trial for killing a man
when the judge asked if the defendant wanted to say anything, they said:

-your honor, if you are what you eat, I'm an innocent man and you should let me go

Stop it with all the corny jokes!
Or otherwise I'm calling the crops.

Which doctors are the worst to deal with?
Pediatricians.

They have very little patients.

My wife accused me of stealing her thesaurus.
Not only was I shocked, but I was appalled, aghast, and dismayed.

To the man who stole my dictionary
I have no words.

"Muffins" spelled backward...
is what you do when you take em out of the oven.

The head of the british secret service was knighted by the king.
He is now Sir Veillence.

My friend Tony asked me not to say his name backwards
I said Y not

For songs stuck in your noggin
Wife: Ugh, I have that song stuck in my head. Dad: There is a trick to getting rid of an earworm. Just recite out of sequence numbers. For example; 8 6 7 5 3 0 9.

I made a graph of all my past relationships,
It has an ex-axis and a why- axis. . .

A city guy buys himself a little lake house way out in the middle of nowhere, figuring hell spend peaceful weekends enjoying nature.
First few weeks are perfect birds chirping, fresh air, Instagram sunsets, the whole rustic fantasy.

One Saturday, while hes puttering around the yard trying to look like someone who knows how to use a chainsaw, he notices a massive, nearly seven-foot-tall, extremely hairy man standing in his driveway. The guys grinning ear to ear.

Howdy, neighbor! I live just past those trees.

They chat a bit about the weather, mosquitoes the size of drones, and how city folks stack firewood funny. Then the big guy says:

Hey, were having a little get-together tonight. Barbecue, beers, good times. You eat meat, right? You should come!

The city guy thinks, Well, I dont have much in common with these rural mountain-man types, but itd be nice to meet the neighbors.

Sure, thanks for the invite. Ill be there.

The neighbor nods.

Now, just so you know, we usually drink pretty heavy at these things. You okay with that?

The guy hesitates. Hes more of a craft beer and two-glasses-of-wine person, but he doesnt want to offend anyone.

Yeah, I can handle a few drinks.

Great! says the neighbor. Cause once everybodys good and drunk, things usually turn into a full-on orgy. Everybody with everybody. You cool with that?

The city guy freezes. This is escalating quickly. But hey, college was experimental.

Uh yeah, I guess I can roll with that.

Attaboy! the neighbor beams. Only thing is, after the orgy, things tend to get a little heated. Fists start flying, little backyard brawl, sometimes a bit of blood. That okay?

The city guy swallows hard. This is starting to feel less like a barbecue and more like a documentary that ends badly. But at this point, backing out feels awkward.

Well as long as nobody kills me, I suppose I can handle a little roughhousing.

Perfect! says the neighbor cheerfully. See you at six! He turns and starts heading back toward the woods.

The city guy calls after him:

Hey! What should I wear?

The neighbor waves without turning around.

Doesnt matter its just gonna be the two of us.

The scientists at NASA were appalled at the new tax on sending felines into space
It was a CatAstroFee

What's the #1 thing you should'nt say at an airport as a film making crew member?
"we're going to shoot a pilot"

What happens when the smog lifts off Los Angeles?
UCLA

I accidentally drank invisible ink...
... now I'm in the hospital waiting to be seen.

What do you call a man with no shins?
Tony.