What do you call a bunny who was raised in a hotel?
An inn grown hare

I sat down for dinner at a restaurant and the waiter asked me, Do you want to hear todays special? I replied, "Sure, why not?!" He smiled and said, No problem sir!"
"Today is special!"

Do you know why the shopping place is called the mall?
Because instead of going to one store, you can go to them all.

You think gas and electric bills are expensive but have you seen chimneys?
Theyre through the roof.

Whats the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.

The bodybuilder bees wife comes home and finds a letter from him.
The letter says: Honey, Im sorry but I must leave you to pursue my dream of becoming a monk.

Devastated, she meets with her friend at the bee bar and pours her heart out to her.

Her friend listens to everything and after shes finished, the friend says:

Well, to be honest Im not surprised. Hes always been a strong bee leaver.

Mom used to feed me alphabet soup because she said I really liked it -- I didn't though,,,
she was just putting words in my mouth.

I tried to be a stand up comedian. I told jokes about ice cream, but I got booed off the stage.
I thought it was good humor.

What does the gingerbread man put on his bed?
Cookie sheets.

What did the Dalia Lama say we he walked into a pizzeria?
Can you please make me one with everything?

How does Moses make his morning coffee?
He-brews it.

How's the ganglord of all Peruvian animals called?
Alpacone.

Becoming a master of the stealthy dad jokes
We had some trees removed from the backyard. The chainsaw guy was telling me its a good thing we took down one of the trees because there were a bunch of ants high up in the tree.
I asked him very seriously, What about uncles, were there any uncles?
He s stopped for a moment and then started laughing uncontrollably and told me, Omg, thats awesome. I havent heard that one before!

My wife got hooked on protein powder.
In the end, she passed a whey.

Do you know how Han and Chewie stay in touch when they are not together ?
Wookiee-talkiees

Asked Siri why I was still single
B**ch opened up the front facing camera.

I tried to have a relationship with the world's most beautiful sniper.
But, I knew from the beginning it was a long shot.

I was a victim of a kidnapping today.
I made that little shit get off my lawn!

Cinderella isnt going to fare well in the World Cup
If she keeps running away from the Ball.

How do frogs slow down?
Brake pads

Why did Han Solo send his steak back?
Because it was Chewy.

What did Newton say when he discovered gravity?
Its about to go down!

Did you hear about the superhero who has a solution ready for every problem?
He's Captain Planet

New top secret military camo leaks to the public
In today's news: A new and top secret adaptive military camouflage technology was leaked to the public today. The technology uses adaptive camouflage that changes based on its immediate environment, making it highly effective.

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According to top officials, the public "wasn't supposed to see it."

What happens when you take a clock on a plane?
Time flies.