When my twins were being delivered, my daughter was born at 5 to midnight, but my son didnt follow right away.
The Dr. said Dont worry, the sonll come out, tomorrow.

What do you call a caveman who doesn't know where he going?
Meanderthal

Whats a ghosts favorite type of sex?
Boo-ty calls.

Believe it or not, my wifes the only one ive ever been with.
All the rest have been an eight or higher.

At 16, I was promoted to shift manager at Arbys. My dad knocked me down a peg, saying, Oh yeah? My first job, I STARTED with over 500 people below me! So I asked him what job that was
Mowing the lawn at the cemetery.

I've noticed cottage cheese isn't really cheese.....
It's just a-curd to me

Why does Tiger Woods wear two condoms?
In case he gets a hole in one

The average person is really
mean

NASA sent a satellite into space to apologize to the aliens.
They named it APOLLO G

Local authorities have decided not to dig deeper into embezzlement claims at a local bait shop!
The reason, they were afraid they might be opening a can of worms.

I feel bad for Greek vegans.
They'll never meat their gyros.

Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar.
Batman follows them in.

A man walks into a library and says:
"Can I have a burger and fries, please?"

The librarian looks confused and says:

"Sir this is a library."

The man suddenly whispers:

"Oh sorry can I have a burger and fries, please?"

The librarian stares at him.

"Why are you whispering?"

The man says:

"Because this is a library."

I quit my job covering up mirrors
I just couldn't see myself doing it.

What happens when a frogs car breaks down?
It gets toad away.

To the person who stole my copy of Overcoming Insomnia
How do you sleep at night?

I just had an argument with my 5 year old about the importance of wearing pants in public and she won, so today...
...Im wearing pants to take her to school.

What lives underwater, blows up planets but can't hear anything?
A deaf star fish.

Why is Santa so jolly?
He knows where all the naughty girls live.

I fell in love with the rods in my bicycle tires as soon as I saw them.
They really spoke to me.

Im about to tell you the 10th and 11th letters of the alphabet.
Jk

Why did the baby habanero put on a jacket?
It was a little chilli.

Why don't ghosts tell dad jokes?
They're scared the others ghosts will boo them.

What do you call a TV made from pasta?
A tagliatelle.

Have you heard about the blind carpenter?
He picked up his hammer and saw.