Werner Heisenberg is driving down the highway when he gets pulled over by a police officer.
The officer walks up to the window and asks, "Sir, do you have any idea how fast you were going?"

Heisenberg replies, "No, but I know exactly where I am!"

The officer, annoyed, says, "You were doing 85 miles per hour!"

Heisenberg throws up his hands and groans, "Great! Now I'm lost!".

Scientists have grown human vocal cords in a petri dish.
The results speak for themselves.
What kind of pants does a ghost hunter wear?
Just a paranormal jeans.
I once met Tom Hanks... I asked him for his autograph.
All he wrote was "Thanks." So rude...
My sons joke setup/question: what is our cars favorite food?
Gasserole! (He didnt appreciate it yet)
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
He had been a quiet number before the war. Rounded edges. Dependable. The kind of digit you could put in a multiplication table and trust to come home. But then the call came, and 6 was shipped far from the clean lines of arithmetic, deep into the humid, unforgiving jungle.

The enemy was everywhere.

The 7s did not fight like civilized numbers. They did not line up neatly in equations. They slipped between the trees at odd angles. They appeared in the mist, sharp and angular, then vanished before anyone could carry the one. They left behind signs carved into bark: 7 > 6.

At first, 6 laughed it off. Its just psychological warfare, he told 5.

But 5 who'd been deployed earlier, wasn't laughing.

After that, 6 began hearing them everywhere. In the rustle of fractions. In the snapping of twigs. In the long silence between subtraction problems. The 7s had mastered fear. They knew that the worst thing you could do to a number was not erase it, but make it doubt its place value.

One morning, their commanding officer, Captain 8, told them they were advancing toward Base 10.

We go in clean, said 8. No remainders.

But the jungle had other plans.

The 7s had set traps: repeating decimals, unsimplified fractions, word problems with unnecessary trains. By noon, the whole unit was disoriented. By evening, nobody knew whether they were greater than, less than, or equal to anything anymore.

6 made it back, technically.

But not really.

After the war, he tried to return to normal math. He stood in number lines. He attended group worksheets. He even tried dating 4 for a while, but whenever anyone mentioned rounding up, he went silent.

Then one day, at a neighborhood barbecue, a 7 walked in.

Tall. Lean. Pointed.

6 froze.

Someone said, Hey, why is 6 afraid of 7?

6 stared across the yard, gripping his paper plate with white knuckles.

And in a voice barely above a whisper, he said:

Because you werent there, man.

"Knock Knock." "Who's there?" "Hypercorrect grammar nazi." "Hypercorrect grammar nazi who?"
*whom
Magician: And for my next trick, I will disappear!
Magician: *holds pear*

Youre the worst fruit ever!

A pea, a lemon, and a potato were leaving a bar at the top of a very steep hill after a long night.
The pea, feeling quite energetic, shouted, "Lads! We're all roundlet's just roll home!" and immediately shot down the hill.

The lemon wobbled after him, but his oval shape made him list violently from side to side, which did nothing for his unsettled stomach. The potato followed behind, trundling along slowly.

When the potato finally reached the bottom, he found the lemon leaning against a lamp post, looking very pale and clearly sick. The pea, however, was already jumping up and down. "That was brilliant! Let's do it again!"

The potato looked at the lemon, then back at the pea, and said: "Easy peasy, lemons queasy.".

What colour is the wind?
Blew!
Knotty Joke
Proud dad moment for me today!

Child: I can tie a knot!

Me: You can knot!

Child: Yes, I can!

What's the leading cause of death for cucumbers?
Pickle cell disease
I had a good joke about pizza
But its really cheesy.
I absent-mindedly put the dishwashing detergent up on the top shelf...
It made my wife jump for joy!
Dad calling an ambulance
Mom: Hurry, call me an ambulance

Dad: Ok, you're an ambulance

Mom: Please, I'm dying

Dad: Make up your mind woman! Ambulance or Dying?

I was told a car without wheels is a good investment.
Personally, I don't think it'll get me anywhere.
Whats the difference between houses and horses?
You are!
Boeing have announced a new plane design that doesn't have any wings
but I don't think it's gonna take off.
I was bored so I swapped all the sweets into different wrappers. My girlfriend isnt amused
she got her snickers in a twix!
Did you hear about the new Chinese lightbulbs?
They never burn out, they just dim sum
Did you hear about the bird that was put under house arrest?
I heard it was a flight risk.
What did the spark want to be when he grows up?
A fire man
When it comes to roof inspections, I only understand the basics.
Most of it is over my head.
Dad joke in the wild last night
My son has his junior prom last night, and before the event, a bunch of the kids and they families met up for photos and whatnot. One of the parents told me their sons date was an exchange student from Norway.

Aw, Nor-*way!* was my response.

A half dozen parents and kids burst into laughter, one kept going for a solid minute and another said it was the funniest thing shed ever heard.

My son was contemplating patricide.

My boss just announced hes going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
My boss just announced hes going to fire the employee with the worst posture.

Ive a hunch it could be me.