Dad joke from my 15yo sonBackground: My son is half Japanese. His Japanese is much better than his English.
I was making dinner, talking with my boys. My eldest (15yo) opened Disney+ on his phone and started playing Frozen on it. He then grabbed the remote from his brothers, opened Disney+ on the TV and started playing Frozen 2.
He came over to me and said, "Daddy, I wanted to watch a movie on my phone, but it was frozen. So, I tried to watch it on the TV, but it was frozen, too."
I've never been prouder in my life.
Went to the doctor with a suspicious looking mole
he said they all look like that and I should have left him in the garden.
Professor X asks a young girl: Whats your superpower?The girls responds I can predict exactly how many pulls of a ceiling fan string is needed to turn it off. For example, the one above your head needs 3.
Professor X gets up and pulls the string 3 times and as she predicted, it turns off.
Wow, thats impressive, Professor X tells her. But thats not really a superpower.
Yeah youre right, The girl responds. I was just kidding. I can actually heal paraplegics
"Hi, does your dog bite?"No of course not.
"OUCH!! I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOUR DOG DOESN'T BITE!?"
That is not my dog.
My oldest son is a mountaineer but when hes home hes so lazy
When I come back from work I always find Himalayin on the sofa
Singer.Do you sing in the car?
Yes, but only when I'm going in reverse.
I'm a backup singer.
What does Excel and an incel have in common?
Both misinterpret things as a date.
I went to the doctors with hearing problems he said Can you describe the symptoms?
I said Homers a a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair
For the 10th year in a row my co-workers voted me the most secretive guy in the office.
I can't tell you how much this means to me.
Today I learned if you turn a canoe over, you can wear it as a hat.
Because it's cap sized.
I have an issue aiming into the toilet
It's my number one problem
I just found out my local bakery burned down
Now their business is toast
Just been in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face maskI asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?"
She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."
I was sitting and eating at a vietnamese resturaunt when suddenly I spilled some food.As I was wiping my leg though, I took a closer look at the food. I called the waiter over to tell him the food was fake.
I pointed at the food on my leg and showed him. It was very obvious when I pointed it out... it was definitely pho knee.
What do pilots and stand-up comedians have in common?
They both worry about the landing.
What's the difference between an angry chicken and a shady lawyer?
An angry chicken clucks defiance . . .
Irish chili has only 239 beans.
If it had one more it would be too farty.
My girlfriend thinks using a condom somehow increases the risk of pregnancy. I told her - no no.. thats a
Common missed-conception
Just opened my water bill and my electric bill at the same time.
I was shocked.
Did you hear about the dairy farmer who was labeling his low-fat milk as whole milk?
He was skimming.
A simple question.So, Im an animal lover. This shouldnt be new to anyone. In particular, I have a penchant for mans best friend. Dont know why, always have.
Caring for one with a disability is even more rewarding and mine has an acute case of anosmia, caused by the fact that my dog has no nose.
Any questions?
I have a fear of speed bumps
but Im slowly getting over it.
Why did the mushroom go to jail?
He lost his morel compass
Made this up to annoy my teenager. I apologize in advance.What version of heaven do numbers go to when they die?
6-Heaven