As an inexperienced mountain climber, I will say Sherpas are a waste of time
and I will die on this hill

I tried donating blood once. Just once, never again!
Too many stupid questions:
Where'd you get it? Whose blood is it? Why is it in a bucket?

Customers are very excited about the new entre at the Cannibal restaurant.
They say it's the best thing since sliced Brad.

Today marks the 10 year anniversary of when I was scammed by that rental car company.
Even after all these years, it still Hertz.

When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When the punchline is ...apparent.

My wife says I'm not doing enough house chores.
She said "if you could at least reduce the cheese block in small pieces, that'd be grate."

In my thirties, my cough started sounding like an elderly mans, so I went to the doctor.
He said I have oldmonia.

The female janitor asked me if I wanted to smoke weed with her.
I said no; I dont like high maintenance women

I texted my date that I was looking forward to taking her to my favorite Italian spot. She wrote back, Um sorry, those places are usually rat-infested. Ok, then Chinese? Ew, cockroaches! Greek? They probably have termites. How about you meet my dog for a nice walk? Nah she likely has fleas.
I had no idea I was dealing with such a pestimist.

I live right next to a cemetery
People are dying to move in.

Cars keep stalling in the chunnel and tow trucks are required to pull them out. Incidents are on the rise and the phenomenon is being referred to it as...
car-pull tunnel syndrome

Someone just tried to sell me a coffin.
That's the last thing I need.

I took my car for a service on Sunday.
Bur it wouldn't fit through the church doors.

A minister, a priest, and a rabbit walk into a blood clinic. The minister goes "I'm a Type-A". The priest goes "I'm a Type-B".
The rabbit goes "I think I'm a Type-O".

I enjoy fish fingers, but they freak me out...
...like, what do they do with the rest of the fish?

Drumroll please
As I get older my dad jokes just keep getting better. I was taking the girls to high school this morning as I usually do. Krissie and Savannah were talking about Krissie's Japanese class. She was saying that they had different spellings and dialects. Savannah asked her how many Japaneses there were.

I said you know if Scarlett, Gia and Georgia lived in Japan they would be your Japannieces...

Dead silence. They were not impressed.

If you asked me which country I want Togo to...
I'd tell you there's no country I've not Benin!

I just went to the shop to replace the rubber on my wheels
And I'm so tired

Did you hear the one about Beethoven?
Neither did he.

Prayers.
Why do they say Amen rather than A woman at the end of songs at church?
Because theyre hymns not hers..

Breaking Bad was a great series.
But it had its Heisenlows.

A cop knocks at the door. "Mr Smith, may I see a photo of your wife, please?"
"Certainly, there you are" says Mr Smith.

"I'm sorry" says the cop. "It looks like your wife was hit by a bus."

Mr Smith replies "That's true, but she's a great cook."

Catholics Sisters Advisory
Did you hear about the Order of Catholic Sisters who provide advice to companies? What's it called?

Nun of Your Business

What do you call a cleaning skeleton?
The grim sweeper.

What did the invitation to the ghost party say?
Bring your own boos.