In response to the recent mass exodus, have you seen the latest lineup of artists performing during the Freedom 250 concert?Lady Maga
Red Hat Chili Peppers
Magadeth
Impeaches & Herb
the Magas and the Papas
Earth, Wind & You're fired
Supertrump
8y/o: Why did the chicken cross the road?Dad: Why?
8: To get to an idiot's house.
D: ???
8: Knock, knock.
D: Who's there?
8: ... The chicken.
(I don't think he made this one up, but it made me laugh and I'd never heard it!)
You've heard of Pop Tarts. Why are there no Mom Tarts?
Because of the pastryarchy.
On a roll today!I'm on a roll today!
Watching Frozen with the wife and kids.
Anna sings, "Why have a ballroom with no balls?"
Me: Oh! I know the answer to that! Its because it's not a secure location!
Wife: *dumbfounded look* What?
Me: Yeah, it's not very secure if anyone can Waltz in there.
Wife: "OH MY GAWD!!!"
Me:
Just got my husband with this oneTheres an IKEA desk I want to buy for my loft studio and am about to go out to get it. I lamented however that I will then need to carry a 24kg box up three flights of stairs. He said that when I get back I can pick him up and hell help.
But youre heavier than the box.
Thankfully he found that amusing.
Someone in my family group chat mentioned meeting someone who lived in the South Pacific and had eaten dog, which was considered a delicacyThe chat then devolved into everyone offering their favorite dog dishes, including:
Pugs in a blanket
Lab Rangoon
German shepherd pie
Chicken poodle soup
An everything beagle with lox and cream cheese
Spanielkopita
And, for dessert, Boston Terrier Cream Pie
What would you all suggest?
Two kings and three queens came into my home, but there was barely enough room for everyone
It was a full house
My friend's last girlfriend threw every bill in the fireplace.
Her name was Bernadette
Which game did Aladdin used to play with his pet monkey?
Peek Abu
I found $20 in the parking lot and thought to myself What would Jesus do?
So I turned it into wine.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tater.
A GUY DRESSED AS A Wizard said hell slowly turn me into a loaf of bread. I LAUGHED.
But now Im starting to wonder
I was in a weather contest the other day
I was doing really bad but at least we all got precipitation trophies
Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie?
He was too far out, man!
What is a vampires favorite fruit?
Nectarines
Hey, what's it called when you kill Garry Larson?
Far-a-cide!
my never failing jokeI went to the doctors recently
He said: Dont eat anything fatty
I said: What, like bacon and burgers?
He said, No. fatty dont eat anything.
I told my wife we had to split up when I had to start on insulin injections
The instructions clearly state single patient use only. She just looked at me and turned the bedside lamp off. I could tell she was delighted.
There are two HVAC companies in my town, and they sure dont like each other.
Its quite a heated rivalry.
Bakery.I got cast in a film about a bakery.
Its not a huge part
Just a small roll.
Did you hear about the person who died by viagra?
What a hard way to go
The janitors at my office are all smoking weed.
They're high maintenance people.
i'm giving up drinking for a month.typo sorry
i'm giving up. drinking for a month!
#itsnotdryfebruary
Whats the name of the website that keeps you hot in cool weather
Only Fans
Why doesn't James Bond fart in bed?
Cause it would blow his cover.