Made this up to annoy my teenager. I apologize in advance.
What version of heaven do numbers go to when they die?

6-Heaven

I got convicted for stealing a banana.
I wont be appealing.

I just burned 2,000 calories.
Thats the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

My landlord sent me a text saying we need to talk about how high my air-conditioning bill is.
I responded: Come by any time, my door is always open.

What does a baby computer call his father?
Data.

(Actually happened) My wife was telling me about our kids' first visit to their new pediatrician
My kids got a new pediatrician because their former one retired.

Yesterday, my daughter went in for her first visit, but during the appointment, my wife kept getting interrupted by texts and phone calls, as she had been responsible for picking up and distributing 70 dozen Krispy Kreme for a school fundraiser.

I told her that if she didn't want to be interrupted during the appointment, she shouldnt've set her phone to Donut Disturb.

I let out a huge sigh when I received another text from the guy next door. Hey when you guys get back from the oo can I stop by to grab some ip ties and borrow your bu saw? Ill trade you for some of my ucchinis. My wife asked, Who sent that??
I said, Its our no-Z neighbor.

What do you call someone who can't stop watching films with strong female leads?
A heroine addict

Request: jokes where the punchline is "that's how I roll"
I have 2:

Every day I write down the names of all of the kids that come into my classroom... that's how I roll.

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward... that's how I roll

What else you got?

I'm trying to come up with a joke about oceans
I can't think of anything Pacific

A geek was interviewing for a networking job.
Interviewer: You seem like the guy we're looking for. So, what's your home address?

Geek: 142.210.3.23

Interviewer: No, I mean, your local address.

Geek: 127.0.0.1

Interviewer: No, no, your physical address.

Geek: 01:1A:24:3D:50:1B

My dad said Id never amount to anything because I always procrastinate.
I said Just you wait.

RIP boiling water,
you will be mist.

What do Space Aliens carry in their wallets?
Starbucks

What do you call a LDS on LSD
A high priest.

What part you your body smells the most?
Your nose.

With all this Oscar buzz for Sinners
Has anyone asked what Michael A Jordan thinks of Michael B Jordan?

Wife: When I step out of the shower, you don't look at me like you used to.
It's because that new shampoo says to avoid eye contact.

I was walking to my friend's house the other day
When I got to the golf course, it was obvious there was still a fairway to go

The main river in Berlin has claimed several lives in recent weeks.
German police, apparently unaware of the irony, call it a killing Spree.

Did you know that you cannot run through a campground?
You can only ran through a campground, because it's past tents.

I told my shoes we were going for a walk.
They said, "Finally, some sole purpose."

I accidentally sprayed Axe body spray into my mouth.
Now I speak with an Axe scent.

Recently, it suddenly dawned on me that the solution to my procrastination problem...
... is to put off the procrastination itself.

I've been meaning to try that; I just haven't gotten around to it yet!

What do you call a baby knee?
A kidney!