My dad was a conjoined twin.
We referred to him as my uncle on my fathers side. Dont worry, they were surgically separated so now hes my uncle once removed.

How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of crime?
They just ransomware.

A patient tells their therapist they are afraid the car will get trapped in a tunnel with many people inside.
The therapist asks if there is a name for that specific fear, and the patient replies, "Carpool tunnel syndrome".

Horses eat hay. What do cows eat?
The udder stuff.

What died when it hit the mainstream?
The tributary

I opened up a deer cloning business...
my goal is to make a quick buck.

Do you know what 50 Cent did when he was hungry?
58

Playing the long game
Ever since my son was born when giving him milk, ive always made a production out of it. swirling it around in front of his face, sometimes zig-zaggs, or adding chanting before handing it to him or setting it in front of him. he rolls his eyes like im nuts and thats until today! At ten years old he had a friend sleep over and at breakfast I asked if they wanted milk with their pancakes. the polite young guest said yes please!

well, i hear my son whisper just ignore him hes weird with the milk.

of course i do my bit swirling the milk around in front of their faces making swooshing noises before setting it down.

the guest says, Mr ____, what are you doing? we arent babies

I know, but my father taught me that its very dangerous to drink milk that hasnt been past your eyes.

A huge groan and my son says, Wait! youve been doing that my whole life. it was a setup for a dad joke? this whole time!?!? OMG!

What starts with a W and ends with a T.
No really, it does!

There is a condition called "hypophantasia" where people are unable to envision things in their mind.
I can't imagine what that must be like.

First time contributor, long time lurker.
Knock Knock.
Whos there?
Woo.
Woo who?!?

Man Im proud of this one.

What has stripes, two legs and looks like half a tiger
The other half of the tiger

How does Enya season her food?
Only thyme.

My boss gave me an average rating
I said "that's mean".

I was given a medal after eating some mashed up chickpeas
It was awarded post-hummusly

I don't care what language I'm speaking. I refuse to use accent characters above letters.
I just find it too stressful

What's the difference between black-eyed peas and chick peas?
Black-eyed peas can sing us a song, but chick peas can only hummus one.

I've been terribly depressed lately. I really feel like my world is ending, and the only thing that will make me feel better is a puppy.
This is my cry for whelp.

We thought our grandmother was having early onset Alzheimer's. So, we made a doctor's appointment for her
After running bloodwork and various tests, come to find out her memory loss was due to drinking too much Milk of Amnesia.

What do you call an Asian man with an amputated leg?
Lim-Ping!

When it comes to farts, everyone knows of "loud and proud" and "silent but violent"...
But there is a turd option...

I told my therapist that I got a gun because of my fear of birds.
He said I was getting carried way.

I chambered a round and said, "Not today, I'm not."

Getting a PHD so when I get something in the mail
I can say Ah, just what the doctor ordered! every single time until I die.

Did you hear about the butcher who accidentally backed up into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.

A husband says to his wife...
Why dont you tell me when you orgasm? She replies, I dont like to call you at work!