Whats the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One weighs a ton, and the other is a little lighter

Iamonthemoonandthereisnowheretogetabeer
.

Thereisnospacebar.

What's the worst series to make a Lego version of?
One Piece

I started brewing my own beer, Lumberjack
It's a lager

My wife looked out the window and asked, How did you finally get our lawn to grow like that? I said, Every morning this week, I sprinkled my protein powder on the wet grass.
She nodded. Ah well that was whey over dew.

Whats the difference between a foot and a yard
You cant shit on your neighbors foot in the middle of the night.

I just opened up a new archeological museum. What is it called?
Remains to be seen...

This weekend's forecast calls for rane, hale, gailz, drissle, thun-durr, litneen, hy-tydes, tawnaydoes, and frizzing colde...
Looks like a really bad Spell of weather.

I was arrested for playing loud music in my garden.

I was charged with disturbing the peas.

Whats a good last name for a Bear
Withmeplease

A guy hurt his back while at the computer.
He had a slipped disc.

i asked my date to meet me at the gym but she ghosted me
i don't think we're gonna work out

Whats a vampires favorite fruit?
A necktarine!

What do you call it when two monkeys get together and find out they're perfect for each other?
Prime mates.

MY FRIEND WAS SO EMBARRASSED when he passed gas around me! I told him that its REALLY ok, and that, well...
To air is human

There is a small area at my local dog park where, without exception, every dog that walks there starts barking. I feel bad for them.
I think they're going through a ruff patch.

My girlfriend told me that sex is much better on vacation.
That wasnt a very nice postcard to receive.

What did the spices say when they were late for dinner?
I'm cumin!

Theres a new white rapper coming out, hes even whiter than Eminem.
Calls himself SPF Fifty.

I went to a Indian restaurant last night.
After I had ordered, a little old lady came to me and said, "Aren't you polite. You have such lovely manners."

It was my complimentary nan

My half-brother and I got in trouble the other day
We're no longer allowed to play with the chainsaw

My aviation teacher is very easy to understand.
He always uses plane language.

How did the HVAC installer avoid getting hit in the head?
He duct

The other day a guy asked me, "Are those thick lens glasses you've got on there?"
I said, "No. They're mine."

Why did the farmer think his fence was drunk?
It had an unsteady gate