My new car has a button for just about everything.
It even has one that says "rear wiper"

Still too afraid to try that one.

I got arrested today by a police officer who was clueless about basic chemistry.
Tried to tell me that my pepper spray was a salt.

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect
and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

I didnt know what I was supposed to wear to the pre-ejaculators meeting
so I just came in my pants

My boss said "dress for the job you want, not the job you have"
I went in as Batman

NSFW from the Mrs
My girl had to get her mammogram today, I texted to see how it went, no like, she texted back:

"No abnormalititties detected!"

What do you call a dog that digs up really old bones?
A barkaeologist

How many dead bodies does it take to change a lightbulb?
CLUE: Its not 8 cos my basement is still dark.

I asked the librarian if the library had books on paranoia
She whispered, Theyre right behind you.

Two horses have been married for years..
.. and their relationship is getting a little stale particularly in the bedroom.

The male decides to look on the internet for ideas, and discovers lingerie for horses. He tells his wife he's going shopping, and heads into the town. After much searching he finds a few of the things he's looking for, of course it's tricky for him to carry it home, so he tucks it into his bridle.

He pops into a bar on the way home, and the bartender asks "why the thong lace?"

I got a new pen! It can write underwater
It can write other words, too.

What do you call a Spanish guy being discharged from hospital?
Man well

The employees at the restaurant last night were having some kind of a feud and they were trying to drag me into it.
When the server was taking my order, she told me I had to choose a side.

My grandfather invented the cold air balloon.
Unfortunately it never got off the ground

I think my wife is totally losing it. Just this past month, she bought three new SUV's that we can't afford.
She's really gone off the Jeep end.

I've never seen the movie Frozen, so I asked my 4 year old daughter to summarize it for me
She looked at me funny and said, well if I SUMMERIZE it, then it would be called MELTED!!

What does the drummer name his twin daughters?
Ana 1, Ana 2.

What do you call an acid with an attitude?
A-mean-oh-acid

Why do Nurses Carry Red Crayons?
Why do nurses always carry red crayons?

Because sometimes

(_)

( _)>-

(_)

they have to draw blood.

The doorbell rang and my wife yelled, Honey, its that boomerang salesman again.
I mumbled, I should have known hed come back.

What do you call a castle of idiots?
A king-dumb

What do you call a singing computer?
A Dell.

Im really touched by how much my bank genuinely cares about me.
They called me out of the blue today to tell me my balance is outstanding. I really needed to hear that, Id been stressing over money a lot lately.

I asked my Son
I asked my son what he'd learned at school today? He said "Gays like Sony, Lesbians like Yamaha, and Bi-sexuals prefer Bose".

I put my hand on his shoulder and replied "Son, those are just stereo types".

Coolio once shared a house with a group of lads who would just watch him throw two dice over and over...
He was living in a gang stares pair o' dice.