As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said:
You know one wouldve been enough.

A man walked into a pharmacy and wandered up and down the aisles looking at many things. After a while a salesclerk noticed and asked if he needed any help. He told her he was looking for a box of tampons for his wife and she directed him to the correct aisle.
A few minutes later he brought a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string and placed them on the counter.

Seeing this, the clerk said, Sir, I don't want to be nosy, and feel free not to answer me, but I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife. What gives?"

"You see, it's like this, he replied.. Yesterday I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers because "it's sooooooo much cheaper.
So I figure if I have to roll my own so does she.

My mother has a twin sister that loves to fish. She fishes so often, she smells of fish.
We affectionately call her Aunt Chovie.

Little Nancy, 8, was filling a hole in her garden when a nosy neighbor peered over the fence and asked What are you doing? Nancy replied, Well my goldfish died so I just buried him The obnoxious neighbor laughed and said in a condescending tone, Thats an awful big hole for a tiny goldfish
As Nancy used her shovel to pat down the last heap of earth she replied, "Well, he's in your cat.

When I was a kid, I could walk into a store with $1 and walk out with 4 candy bars.
Now they have cameras everywhere.

Alcohol and calculus should never mix.
Dont drink and derive

TIL the movie Hereditary was named as such because of how certain things are passed thru bloodlines
not because her head hit a tree

My buddy set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby."
I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper...

Whats the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken

I spilled a drink on my collared shirt
It is now a tea shirt

To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet...
You can hide, but you can't run!

Im moving from the US to Europe and my friend asked if my new house has a yard. I said no
It has a meter.

How do you keep someone dumb in suspense?
I'll tell you tomorrow.

Bought one of those smart light switches but it was much too clever
So I replaced it with a dimmer switch

On the first day of our family trip up the coast of Maine, my son pointed and said, Dad, look! Theres a lighthouse!
I said, No, son its actually pretty heavy.

Most people are shocked
Whenthey find out how bad i am as an electrician

What do ducks eat with their soup?
Quackers!

I shoplifted a hat and forgot to take the label off.
Now I've got a price on my head.

"That's a nice ham you got there." The butcher said...
"Would be a shame if I put 's' in front of it and 'e' at the end..."

Which radio station does Sisyphus listen to?
Non-stop rock

I told my wife Ill surprise her on her birthday
She was surprised when I came back home with no gift

My local bird sanctuary banned me from telling dad jokes.
The last one killed two birds with one groan.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids werent much to look at either.

Went shopping today for some cherries & a microphone stand.
Bought a Bing,
Bought a Boom.

Paraguay?
Looks more like 11 guys to me