What has 27 actors, three settings, two writers, and one plot?
671 Hallmark Christmas movies.

What do the lady reindeers do on Christmas eve? [NSFW]
Head to town and blow a few bucks.

Why did the carpenter know his wood was cut in half?
Because he saw it.

Dad: Did you know your mother grew up in a coven? Daughter: No! Which one?
Dad: yes exactly

I was confused by when my printer started playing music
Until I realized the paper was jamming.

Why is cyclops in charge of the X-Men?
Because professor X made him a super visor.

I asked my dog what is the outer layer of a tree called?
He replied Bark!

Im confused, how can a funeral home can raise its prices..
And blame it on the cost of living.

Why did Mozart and Beethoven wear their sunglasses at night?
They were Haydn pupils.

Ariel, why do you wear seashells?
Because B-shells are to small and D-shells are too big.

Why was the snowman digging through a basket of carrots?
Because he was picking his nose

My first 3-teen eyeroll in the wild
I'm so proud of this I have to share.

I was at a sporting event last night with my wife and some friends. We ran into an old college connection in the hallway - whom happens to be dressed as the grinch with full face paint.

Before parting ways, informed us he was looking for his girls. Three teens in sparkly Santa hats. Hadn't seen them and moved on.

About 20 yards through the crowd and wouldn't ya know, they walk right into us. One of my friends says, "hey, your dad is looking for you."

"What?" One of the girls is surprised.

My friend replies, "your dad is in the grinch costume, right?"

"Yeah," all three respond in unison.

My friend points down the hall, "he went that way."

Quickly, my face lights up, seizing my moment, "and heads up, he's really mad at you three."

They turned to me. Their bubbly demeanor vanished as their faces turned pale.

"Yeah, he was really upset with you. So upset, in fact, that his face was GREEN with anger."

Instantly. I mean INSTANTLY, all three at the same moment realized they'd been got. Their faces sunk with that "irritated but also ashamed I fell for it" look. They pivoted. And while all four of my group were laughing, they turned to seek out the dad who was probably not at all upset with them.

I'm still living in the splendor of that moment today like I woke up after winning the championship!

I quit drinking for good
.
.
.
... now I only drink for evil.

What do call an alligator that wears a vest?
An investigator..

What happens when two science fiction writers meet?
They talk about the whether.

I got let go from my job as a waiter.
Boss said I just didnt bring enough to the table.

Why was the snowman yellow?
Ask your dog. My 9yo learned this joke in the last week and had delighted in telling everyone who will listen.

What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather?
A shoe.

New York and Minnesota are opposites. New York is where the Big Apple is and Minnesota is where the...
...Minneapolis

Why does a fish hate baskeball?
Because it is scared of nets

Dad jokes work better in person
These are not remotely funny

Sherlock Holmes quit crime to become a gardener.
Rather than investigate he now invests in gates. Its more lucrative.

Just thought of this now. Yes it sucks lol

I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts.
It's called "leave me the fuh cologne"

"Dad, can you help me with my homework?"
"Sure son"

"What are 5 animals that live in the ocean?"

"3 whales and two dolphins"

"Thanks dad"

"Anytime"

Whats the opposite of doggo?
Catstop.