I take a ruler to bed with me every night....
...so in the morning I can find out how long I slept.
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to treat grizzly bears unless its been given a STRONG anesthetic, proving true the old adage that
Theres safety in numb-bears.
I got my wife again with another dad joke. This one legit pissed her off!So I was sitting on my bed, one of her cats was on the chair and she was leaving the room:
Her looking at her cat: Awe! Look at you! With your little leggies tucked under you! You look like you're legless!
She walks away towards the bathroom,
Me: well then, he better get prepared for the adventure.
Her from the bathroom: what did you say?
Me: I said, he better get prepared for the adventure!
Her: what adventure?
Me: The one to Mordor!
Her: what the fuck are you talking about?!
Me (with massive shit eating grin she can't see): He better get ready for the adventure... You know... Because he's Leg-a-less!
Her: dead silence... oh, just fuck you! Fuck YOU! no seriously, you suck!
She then went to tell her dad what I had just done and said, and then gave me the stink eye for hours.
When does a medieval orgy end
When the knight has come
What should you do if you're addicted to seaweed?
Sea Kelp.
What's the difference between a man and a dog?
The one wears trousers, the other pants!
A lot of the props in The Office were never interacted with or moved
In fact, most were stationery
What fruit has fun on the slide?
A ki - weeeeeeeeee
Whats a pirates least favorite letter?
Dear sir or mam, We are writing you to inform you of your third copyright strike violation.
I went to a job interview the other day. The interviewer asked me to describe myself in three words
I said, "lazy."
Alot of crows have lost the ability to communicate
Scientists are struggling trying to find the caws
What's easy to get into but hard to get out of?
Trouble.
A small-town preacher was proud of his ability to improvise a sermon on any topic, even if he knew nothing about it. He never prepared, just improvised on whatever came to his mind Sunday morning. One Sunday morning he woke up and told his wife, "I'm going to base my sermon today on horseback ridin"But you don't know anything about horseback riding!" she said. "I don't want to watch you embarrass yourself, I'm staying home."
All right," he said, and drove off to church.
On the way there, he began to have second thoughts.
He really didn't know anything about horseback riding and finally decided to preach a sermon on love and intimacy in marriage.
It went very well - so well that when one of his congregants saw his wife at the grocery store the next day, she said, You missed a great sermon yesterday your husband was on fire! That was the best sermon I've ever heard!"
His wife said, "Really? He literally knows nothing about it. In all his life he's done it just twice - once before we were married, once after - and both times he fell right off."
Most of you know of Darth Vader...And many more know of his sister who always lets everyone down - Ellie.
But did you know he has another sister?
Exca. She's just a really big hoe.
I am currently reading a book on anti-gravity.
I can't put it down.
What is made out of leather and sounds like a sneeze
A-shoe
President Lincolns steakhouse was a huge success until he declared seasoning unconstitutional.
Customers were stunned to learn hed abolished savory.
Horse walks into a barBartender: Hey
Horse: Sure
This economy's gotten so bad. My son had to use sweet wrappers instead of underwear.
I hope nobody sees him in his snickers
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
Why was the drugdealer jealous of the prostitute?
Because she can wash her crack and sell it again!
Wife and I were installing an ovenWe had to connect a few wires in a small space.
She points at one of the wires and goes: "This one came out"
I respond: "I know, I still love him though"
Her:
What does a dog do that a man steps into?
Pants
What kind of person commits murders but does it fabulously?
An Assassy-sin!
Decided not to renew my prescription glasses this year
....turns out i've seen enough