Did you hear about the guy who died when a periodic table fell on him?
The official cause of death was "exposure to the elements".

Whats the difference between a dad joke and an athletic rabbit?
Ones a bit funny and the others a fit bunny.

Did you hear about the goose that had to resort to stripping to buy a house?
It's the only way she could make the down payment.

Shopping with my wife at the mall, I said, Babe, you need to accept that Im a changed man.
She goes, Get out of the damn dressing room already.

I'm writing a book about WD-40.
It's Non-Friction

I broke up with my girlfriend because I found out she was a communist.
I should have known. There were red flags everywhere.

Some jokes I've collected, and some I made up
Some of these I made up, but they are obvious so I don't claim to be the originator.

I thought about going on a Round the World Cruise. But I think that ship has sailed.

I told my wife she'd painted her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

I can see myself working in a mirror factory. But on reflection...

I got offered a job as a mattress tester. I told them I'd have to sleep on it.

I thought about becoming a motivational speaker, but I couldn't be bothered.

I could always go back to work at the helium factory, they still speak very highly of me.

I did a once in a lifetime trip last year. Never again.

Thought of another one - I went into an Army Surplus Store and asked if they had any camouflage jackets. They said yes, but they couldn't find them.

My friend has been engaged 5 times, but never married.
That's a lot of near misses.

Went to Aldis yesterday
I went to Aldis grocery store yesterday to pick up a few items. I noticed theyre now selling a Humpty Dumpty toy. It comes with Aldi kings horses and Aldi kings men.

Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.

Why do pandas loaf around in the zoo?
They're bread in captivity.

Did you know Albert Einstein died from a blood clot in the brain?
It was a stroke of genius.

What group do pan-sexual people belong in?
The LGBBQ community.

A butcher accidentally backed into his meat grinder.
He got a little behind in his work.

Really happened (I-5 in CA) - I saw a sign on the freeway that said corn maze ahead, so of course I told my girlfriend "I bet its amazing."
Without missing a beat she replied "your so corny."

Adding to the Guillotine Factory Joke
Original Joke: My friends and I got jobs at the guillotine factory. We'll beheading there tomorrow.

My addition: The boss wants us to increase the beheadings. If not, heads are gonna roll.

As my daughter was walking out the door to go on her first date, in my best grumpy old tough guy dad voice, I growled, "I want her home before midnight." The boy she was going with stopped dead in his tracks, turned slowly around and with wide eyes replied....
"But you already own her home!"

The world's largest hand measures in at 11.75 inches
Any thing longer and it becomes a foot.

I kept forgetting where I left my shoes
So I bought some memory foam sneakers.

My cat hates the large language model I developed
It's D-Claude.

You call them Sleeveless Shirts
I call them Ampu-Tees

You kids might think you're cool
But something that keeps drinks cold is cooler.

Mannequin.
When I was younger I had a job as a shop window mannequin.

I held that position for a long time.

He admitted that he didn't know anything about the cloning machine.
I said: "That makes two of us!"

What musical keys do cows sing in?
Beef flat!