If a king sleeps on a king-sized bed and a queen sleeps on a queen-sized bed, where does a prince sleep?
On an heir mattress.

Star Wars Joke: Whats the internal temperature of a taun-taun?
Lukewarm.

My 13 year old son just got out of bed to tell me that he came up with this joke on his own (while reading the Star Wars Encyclopedia. My work as a father is done.)

My friend Jay had triplet daughters, and named them after him.
Their names are Kay, Elle, and Em.

What happens to a mathematician when they're bitten by a werewolf?
They undergo a furrier transform.

Satan arrived to welcome a new damned soul to hell. "Congratulations!" he said. You wasted your entire pitiful life!"
"Well," the man replied, "at least I'm not a adult living in my father's basement."

New autopsies discover that Albert Einstein died from a blood clot in the brain.
It was a stroke of genius.

What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1 Anna2

I told my son, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field."
He said, "What's that got to do with anything?"

I said "That means its pasture bedtime."

At dinner, my date leaned in and whispered, So are you more of a breast guy, or a thigh guy?
Im like, Neither. Chicken fingers all the way.

Son: Dad, do you have any regrets in life?
Dad: Yeah, I regret I never listened to my mother.

Son: What did she try to tell you?

Dad: I don't know, I never listened.

What do you call karate for amputees?
Partial arts!

What's the most stupid animal in the jungle..
A polar bear

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are...
But I laugh more

How much does it cost santa to park his sleigh?
Nothing - It's on the house

My job in Zimbabwe is applying a spray to soften the leather straps attached to a horses bit
I mist the reins down in Africa

Two ants tried to make a seesaw using a toothpick and half a crumb, but it didn't work.
They needed a full crumb.

What do you call a woman who won't stop singing Christmas songs?
Carolyn

A man went to the ER with 24 toy horses up his bum
Doctors listed his condition as "Stable"

This is my favourite poem of all time: I dug, you dug, she dug, he dug, we dig.
it may not mean anything, but it's deep

Two men robbing a liquor store. One asks "is this whisky?"
The other replied "not as whisky as wobbing a bank!"

Experience
Wife: Did you hear what I said? Husband: Yes. Wife: What did I say? Husband: The last 20 years have taught me not to answer this question.

Why did the maintenance guy bring his own scaffolding to work?
Because he was tired of climbing the corporate ladder.

I always have a David Bowie ornament on the top of my Christmas Tree
Whenever anyone asks, I explain:

"It's a star, man!"

My wife caught me off guard in the shower
I was trying to master bathing

It's awkward touching hands with a woman in a popcorn bag.
Especially when you don't know her and she doesn't know you're eating her popcorn.