What do you call a bra that you cant take off?
A booby trap.
What kind of jeans does a ghost hunter wear ?
Just a paranormal jean
What do you call a Mexican man that has lost all his protein powder?
No whey Jos
My doctor prescribed me some anti gloating cream.
I can't wait to rub it in!
Do you know what a Zebra is?
Its twenty six sizes larger than an A bra.
What did Spartacus say when the lion ate his wife?
Nothing, he was gladiator.
What kind of shoes do kidnappers wear?
White vans
Why are archeologists so annoying
they always have a bone to pick
How do you make 7 even?
Take away the s.
Why did the Egyptian sun god order fries with gravy in Russia?
Because he wanted Ras Poutine
Some Apple Music users were upset when a U2 album was put in their feed
They didnt like that it was done pro Bono. Theyre really on Edge about it.
Airline incidentHalf an hour after an Aer Lingus flight reached 30,000 feet, the captain made an announcement:
Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain, Sean Thomas. Welcome aboard Flight 280, non-stop from Dublin to Chicago. The weather is perfect today, so we should have a pleasant, smooth, uneventful flight. So just get comfortable, sit back, relax, and OH WHAT THE HELL!!
The plane went completely silent.
A few moments later, the captain came back on the intercom:
Ladies and gentlemen, Im so sorry if I alarmed you. While I was speaking, Maureen - our new and rather clumsy flight attendant - accidentally spilled coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!
From the back of the plane, a passenger shouted:
For the love of Jaysus, you should see the back of mine!
Why did the cow want a divorce from the bull?
She didnt feel herd in the relationship
Historians have made a recent discovery about an ancient Scandinavian monster. A mis-translation has led us to believe that this monster was a giant squid-like being. In reality, it was a chicken who was addicted to methamphetamine
Release the Crack hen!
Why are trombone players so chill?
They let it slide
I bought a new pony and named him Mayo
He's quiet, but sometimes Mayo Neighs
what happens when right angle sees acute angle
a rectangle
Even though I already had little houses for four bee swarms, when a new swarm of bees arrived, I was very excited.
I gave them a Hive five!
I am going to name my next child Geddon.
And as soon as he is old enough I will give him a weapon to end the world.
I recently started a business where i sell trampolines disguised as prayer mats
Prophets are through the roof
What do you call a rich investor in the military?
Warrin' Buffet!
Why did the Dalai Lama go to Vegas?
Tibet.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye matey!
I got fired from a clockface factory
even after I put in all those extra hours
Did you hear about the guy killed in the can crusher?
It was soda pressing.