A time traveller appears in a bar, taking half an hour to fully materialize
The bartender looks at him and asks, "Hey, buddy... Why the long phase?"
My kid texted me: I just spilled bleach and baking soda all over the floor. What do I do?? I wrote back: Throw a blanket over it. A minute later he replied: Okay now what?
I said: Nothing. All our bases are covered.
Do you know what would be a great name for diarrhea medicine?
Gonorrhea
You can tell Donald Trump is a self-made man.He does everything himself. He pisses himself. He shits himself.
He can even go fuck himself.
Where would you find a peacock at a grocery store?
Next to the peanuts.
A man walks in a bar and shouts free beers outside!So everyone in the bar, except the bartender, ran outside in excitement.
The bartender, visibly angry, yells at the man what the hell did you do that for? Now i have no customers!!
The man says Sorry mister, i honestly didnt fink any of those men would be brave enough to fight a grizzly beer, let alone free of them
A guy walks into a bar and orders a Sex on the Beach. After he has a sip, he spits it out.
He screams at the bartender, "THIS IS F**KING CLOSE TO WATER!"
My car broke down halfway between my lake house and the Hallmark store.
My car broke down halfway between my lake house and the Hallmark store. I was stuck between a dock and a card place.
Our local bra store went out of business
I dont know if it went tits up or tits down.
Why did the transgender man only eat salad?
He was a her-before
What do you call a plane full of bald people
Receding airlines
Got tired of working with transistors
Eventually started studying for a lower degree in the field of railway transportation. Graduated a semi-conductor.
Did you hear about the woman at the airport who backed into a moving propeller?
Disaster
I started going to a Chinese cooking class that is taught by Steven Tyler.
He keeps telling me to "wok this way!"
The famous singer Sting has been kidnapped.
The Police have no lead.
Why havent aliens visited our solar system?
The reviews all said one star.
Janitor.What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?" "Supplies!"
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father-in-law
Son asked about my workplace.My son asked how many people work at my workplace.
I answered about half of them.
Shirley MacLaine once asked Leslie Neilson for a date.
He said, Dont call me, Shirley.
What do you say to your sister when shes crying
Are you having a crisis?
How do researchers know that babies are afraid of the supernatural?
Because they cry during their first out-of-body experience!
What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We're closed.
When they told me no nudity was allowed,
that was more than I could bare.
Why is it a bad idea to do anything illegal near a pepper farm?
Because the farmers will be jalapeo business.