The first thing a man looks at in a woman is her heart
The fact that her boobs block the view is not our fault

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, "What's with the paper towel?"
The pirate says, "Arrr! I've got a Bounty on me head!"

Do you know which is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language.

I ate a kids meal in McDonalds this morning.
His mother was furious.

People of Dubai dont like the Flintstones.
But the people of Abu Dhabi do.

Last Christmas, my girlfriend got really angry when I gave her a box of photos of all her old boyfriends.
I still dont know why, she said she wanted an ex box.

A Tesla Driver was arrested for Electricity Theft
He pleaded guilty as charged.

On the first day of my flying lessons, I looked down nervously and asked my instructor, What are all these buttons for?
He said, Those are to keep your shirt closed.

I told my wife that if I ever owned a sailboat, I would name it Ccccccc.
That way, I can sail the seven C's.

Every spring I tell my best one-liner.
Its a May zing.

How do you think the unthinkable?
With an iceberg.

My autobiography isn't selling very well.
Story of my life!

Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it got mugged.

I had a friend who was always late until his doctor recommended sleeping in a herb garden.
Now he wakes up on thyme.

I caught my kids playing with electrical wires without protection.
So I grounded them.

What vegetable do you need when you get a flat tire?
A-spare-I-guess

What did the turkey say to the gravy?
Youre simply the baste.

I just bought the Snow White Lego set second hand but it only had 6 dwarves
Not Happy

I had an apple and an orange for breakfast this morning.
The apple was way better. No comparison.

Ive gotta prepare for the big boat paddle sale tomorrow.
Its a huge oar deal.

Given their anatomy, some people wonder how mermaids can give birth.
They usually have a sea section.

My boss said, Hey, do you mind putting the office Christmas decorations up yourself this year?
I said, But then no one will see them!

I asked my wife if she could say worth, worth, worth, worth. Shes like um, why?
I said, trust me, its worth repeating.

I tried playing frisbee with my dog. It didnt go well.
I need a flatter dog.

Last Night A man was Hit by a Violin then a Clarinet and then a French Horn
Police say it was an Orchestrated attack...