My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic...
But if I'm gonna have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.

Over 100 years ago, two brothers announced they could fly.
Turns out they were Wright.

I refuse to go to funerals
I'm just not a mourning person

A farmer tells his neighbor, "My horse is so smart, he can count."
"No way!" "Watch." The farmer asks, "Horse, what's 2 + 3?" The horse stomps his hoof five times. The neighbor is amazed. "What's 4 + 4?" The horse stomps eight times. "Incredible!" Then the neighbor asks, "What's the square root of 1?"

The horse looks at him for a moment and says:

" Are you kidding me? I'm just a horse"

My girlfriend told me what she likes in a man.
My girlfriend told me last night that she loves it when men pull up their sleeves and show their forearms.

Well that's me screwed - I only have two.

I once dated a girl with a wooden leg
It was going well for a while, but eventually we broke it off.

"I can hear fruits talking."
"So what does this orange say?"

"No idea. It's speaking Mandarin."

Went to a diner with a couple I know. They started arguing.
Normally, I'm not one to take sides, but they were so distracted by yelling at each other that I stole her fries and his cole slaw...

My optometrist isnt getting many customers
Theyre suffering from a low eye queue..

I bought a sheepdog.
Old English?

Ic gebohte scaphund.

A photographer was tragically crushed when a massive block of cheddar fell on him.
In fairness, the people he was photographing did try to warn him.

Whats the most dangerous animal?
Crows. Get enough of them in one place and therell be a murder.

Ive offered my elderly neighbor $20 to give me a ride on her stairlift.
I think shes gonna take me up on it.

If you write "5318008" on a calculator and turn it upside down,
you can see the back of a calculator.

Last night I accidentally drank some invisible ink
I went to the hospital and I waited all night to be seen.

Ever since I got a wheelchair, my wifes been so rude to me.
Always pushing me around and talking behind my back.

Dave was born without eyelids, so the doctors circumcised him to use the skin.
The operation was a success, he's just a little cockeyed.

Dumb question:
Why is the "b" silent?

I just bought a Humpty Dumpty toy from ALDI.
It even came with Aldi kings horses and Aldi kings men.

Why are old people's feet in such rough shape?
Because time wounds all heels.

I won $10 million in the lottery and decided to donate a quarter of it to charity
Now I have to figure out what to do with the other $9,999,999.75

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I rushed my pregnant wife to the hospital as soon as she told me she couldnt, wouldnt, and shouldnt stay at home any more.
I knew right then and there that she was having too many rapid contractions.

The police have a report of a lady without underwear climbing a ladder.
They said officers are following up on this.

My Pa said he would accompany me and help with my equipment when I was going to climb Mount Everest.
I said,are you surePa?

Where is the worst place to hide in a hospital?
ICU