I got gas for $1.49 today
Unfortunately it was from Taco Bell

I asked my husband to explain "active verbs" to me, but after his explanation
I know I'm fucking stupid.

Even though I hate it, I just default to using Google's browser on every device I own. I don't even try to customise it to make it better.
I think I must have stock Chrome syndrome.

What do you call two pairs of underwear getting into a fight?
Boxers.

I made a belt out of watches and showed my wife.
She called it a waist of time.

Amazingly - scientists have grown human vocal cords in a Petri dish
Amazingly - scientists have grown human vocal cords in a Petri dish

The results speak for themselves

Why did the ape go to prison?
He was running a chimponzi scheme.

Teacher: What is the most important punctuation mark?
Johnny: The period?

Teacher: Can you tell me

why?

Johnny: I don't know, but when my sister missed one of hers, my mom fainted, my dad got mad, and the neighbor left town and never came back.

My stepson set me up perfectly
My wife enjoys butterscotch pudding for dessert, and since I love my wife, I made some for her last night.

She finished eating some of it and called my stepson downstairs to put the remainder in the fridge for her.

He came in, grabbed the container, and started coughing(he's allergic to the world and has had post nasal drip all week). When he started coughing, the wife said "Don't cough on my pudding!"

To which I said "Yeah! It's butterscotch flavored, not coffee flavored!"

Fellow Dad's the groan my wife made sounded like she was possessed of the devil. She then threw something at me and said I wasn't allowed to talk for the rest of the night.

I heard that all the rain we had this year has made it hard for owls to find mates
Apparently it's too wet to woo

My wife told me it was my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers or her
So I quit cold turkey

When I was a child, I was made to walk the plank.
We couldn't afford a dog.

What do you call a very talkative potato farmer?
A yammer

I used to guide tour groups through Jesuss tomb.
But theres just no prophet in it.

At the end of October, witches post reminders to not fly angry
At the end of October, witches post reminders to not fly angry.

Every Halloween theres an accident, when someone flies off the handle.

Why did Betty and Veronica fly to Mexico for a concert?
They heard it was a marry Archie band.

Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on earth?
It's pasteurized before you even see it.

My brother and I used to stretch a string between two tin cans. I would hold one tin can up to my ear while he yelled into the other.
Which is probably why I suffer from tinnitus

How did Nixon exonerate himself after making a horrible breakfast?
I am not a cook.

I got my friend fake vomit for his birthday
It was a gag gift

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
Supplies!

Its a five minute walk from my house to the pub.
Its a thirty five minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.

I'd make a joke about Trump's promised $5000 tariff check
But I don't think anyone will get it.

Why did the religion teacher blush when he had to relief-teach the trigonometry lesson?
Too much secs and sin

While my wife and I were waiting for breakfast, I suggested we do a little pegging.
She said, Do you have to say it like that every time were at Cracker Barrel?