Elton John bought a treadmill for his pet rabbit.
Its a little fit bunny.

My father worked 12 hours every day just to put food on the table.
Amazing man, but slowest cook ever.

A teacher asks her class if they can use the word contagious in a sentence
A girl raises her hand and says, the flu is very contagious.

Very good, the teacher replies, and then asks if anyone else can.

A boy raises his hand and says, my neighbor was painting her house by herself, and my dad said it would take the contagious

Whats the difference between light and hard?
Its easier to fall asleep with a light on

What do you call a speedy Indian driver?
Ray Singh

A man had a heart attack at a bookstore and died because medical teams couldn't reach him in time.
He went to a Borders without Doctors

If your child is becoming addicted to trigonometry, you need to intervene as soon as possible.
Do not ignore the sines.

Whats the difference between a sock and a camera ?
One takes 5 toes and the other takes pho-tos

I told my therapist that I'm afraid of letters...
She said, you are? And then I started screaming! She then said, oh I see and that's when I started screaming louder!

Wheres the worst place to hide in a hospital?
The I.C.U

A woman on a bus is suddenly overcome with the urge to break wind.
She tries to let go a squeaker but instead lets loose a loud, hearty blast.

The entire bus goes silent, and the embarrassed woman desperately tries to think of something to say to the man sitting next to her.

"Um ... do you have a transfer ticket?" she finally asks.

"No, I don't," he replies. "But when we pass the next tree, I'll try to grab you a handful of leaves."

I've always wanted to be a doctor.
But I didn't have the patients.

I ordered a book on scamming. Cost me a fortune.
Im still waiting to receive it

Why did they cutoff WiFi at the farm?
Because the cows kept downloading Moo-sic

What fruit can only be eaten two at a time?
Pears

What do German air force pilots eat for breakfast?
Luft-waffles.

I accidently glued myself to my autobiography.
That's my story and im sticking to it !

What kind of shoes do ninjas wear ?
Sneakers.

Queen.
People say Queen isn't metal.

I disagree.

Every song they recorded has Mercury in them.

A woman takes her watch dog to the pet psychologist.
What seems to be the problem, asks the Doctor.

Hes been growling a lot lately, replies the woman, he seems really wound up

Hmmm, well for one he does have a lot of ticks, lets just give him a little more time

I struggle with Roman Numerals until I get to 159.
Then it just CLIX.

I got a delivery of a deceased skillet...
It was a dead pan delivery.

Did you know when you are clinically dead you continue to be able to see for about two minutes?
Because your pupils dilate.

Why do electricians make terrible sailors?
Theyre always running a ground.

So you wanna hire a sad clown for your son's birthday party?
You can do it, but it's frowned upon.