A snail walks into a bar with a girl on his back.
The bartender asks: What are you?

Snail: I'm a snail.

Bartender asks: Who's that on your back?

Snail: Michelle.

Why is the word dark spelled with a K instead of a C?
Because you can't C in the dark.

I ran into a lady at a Vegan restaurant who said she knew me
But I never met herbivore

I felt very naughty making my pickle flavored bread.
I was squishing my dil-dough all over the table.

My dog frequently helps me out when I forget things. This morning while I was in my car he came sprinting down the driveway. I asked what is it today boy?
Dog: *pants*

I've decided I'm going voluntarily mute.
I'm not telling anyone.

What's your opinion of people made entirely out of footlong sandwiches?
I think they're subhuman

I hear editors hate having to quote texts with errors.
One was heard saying "I'm sic of it all!"

What do you call sixty minutes of pain?
An oww-ur

I once dated a girl named Demi...
But no More.

I hooked up with an electrician last night. The chemistry was shocking,,,
,,,but she definitely knew how to flip my switch.

Can we all give a shout out to the sidewalks?
They kept us off the streets

What room will you never find in a zombie's house?
The living room.

How do you pick up a one legged hitchhiker?
You tell him to hop in

I took my ghost buddy to the movie!
Apparently, he didn't like it, he BOO'd the entire time.

HAPPY INTERNATIONAL CAPS LOCK DAY!
Sorry, didn't mean to yell

Went to the doctor with a suspicious looking mole
He said they all look that way and I should have left him in the garden.

Whats the difference between a pun and a fart?
A pun is a shift of wit

The workers down the coal pits rarely have major problems...
...it's normally just miner issues.

When I worked in the Netherlands I had Eggs Benedict most days for breakfast. Sadly we dont have it very often back in the UK.
How I miss my Holland days!

I live on Thebe St
Its the best

Which animated character is named after an abscessed toe?
Puss in Boots

I saw 2 blackbirds stuck together today....
They were Velcrows.

I've reduced my wine consumption to just one glass before bed
I went to bed 7 times last night