Do you know how much a rainbow weights?
Not much, it's pretty light.

I fed my extra pastry to a couple of pigeons in the park today. It turns out...
I filled two birds with one scone.

Why did they call it Mario Kart...
When Mario Speedwagon was right there?

My wife came home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, two bottles of whiskey and two loaves of bread.
"Are we expecting guests?" I asked.

"No," she replied.

"Then why did you buy so much bread?"

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes.
She gave me a hug.

Why was the art thief not able to make his getaway from the art museum?
He did not have the Monet to make his Van Gogh

What do you get when you mix an elephant, a rhinoceros, and a helicopter?
Hel-eph-ino.

My mother in law gave me this horrible lamp. I had no choice but to put it in the living room. I accidentally knocked it over this morning
I was delighted

What do you call an acid with an attitude?
A mean-o acid

I avoid the Devils sinful works by being dressed as a fictional character at all times.
Because the opposite of Sin Work is Cos Play.

What is the difference between an asteroid and a meat ball?
One is meteor

Bears.
My wife called to tell me she saw a bear on the way to work.

I asked her how she knew it was on its way to work.

She hung up on me.

Did you hear about the guy in Paris who had to be pulled out of an industrial bread machine?
He's okay now, but he was in a lot of pain

I asked my son, "Are you definitely in love with that pyromaniac girlfriend of yours?"
He answered, "I think so. Every time we're together, I really feel that spark."

What do you call a hippies wife
Mississippi

I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me..
She said yes, about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.

Every time my friend gets stressed, he blurts out 7! 23!! 9!
It's a very odd reaction

"The Chain"
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no penis? No fuckin' idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no penis? Still no fuckin' idea.

The police can't solve who stole the beer.
It's still a cold case.

Why was the nose sad?
It was getting picked on.

What are Mario's clothes made from?
Denim... Denim... Denim

Remind me to buy more kitchenware
Ill write it on the colander.

I have a friend who has a bad stuttering problem.
By the time he told is his Nana died, we were all singing "Hey Jude"...

Why did the crab cross the road? He didn't.
He used the sidewalk.

3 days ago my son locked himself in his room to do keyboard practice.
I haven't seen him synth