Last night in bed, my girlfriend was mumbling about being born in 1892 and writing the Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings
I thought: 'she's Tolkien in her sleep again.'

40 years ago today, l asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend and the most gorgeous woman l know to marry me.
All three said no

Breakfast Snake
My 9 month old daughter was eating a banana this morning and was taking some seriously large bites. My wife said she looked like a snake unhinging its jaw. To which I said

"Shes a Bananaconda!"

I felt the collective eye roll from the entire household lol.

Fever is at the top of the list of worst symptoms for illness.
While constipation is a solid number two.

What do you call a fake fish?
A de-koi

If you cut off your Left Arm...
Your Right Arm will be left.

Edit: Corrected a typo

Grandpa in the hospital
A man goes to visit his grandpa in the hospital.
How are you, grandpa? he asks.
Feeling fine, says the old man.
Whats the food like?
Terrific, wonderful menus.
And nursing?
Just couldnt be better. These young nurses really take care of you.
What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?
No problem at all nine hours solid every night. At 10 oclock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet and thats it. I go out like a light.
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge.
What are you people doing, he says,
Im told youre giving a 95-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely, that cant be true?
Oh, yes, replies the Sister.
Every night at 10 oclock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed.

How do you fit an elephant into a SafeWay bag?
You take the S out of "Safe" and the F out of Way.

What do you call a female pirate who loses a leg?
Peg.

What do you call an poor ancient roman woman that likes other women?
A plesbian

What did the cannibals wife give him when he got late to dinner?
The cold shoulder

Do you know why Batman has all those cool doodads in his utility belt: smoke bombs, grease slicks, nose plugs/filters for poison gas, breath mints?
Because he has no pockets

Why cant a nose be twelve inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.

I got an award for my ability to keep secrets.
I cant tell you how much it means to me.

I hate dating apps.
I'm going to start dating women instead.

I just finished my first shift at the ravioli factory.
Boyardees arms tired.

A Johnny Cash story
Few people know that before he was famous, the late Johnny Cash tried a chip full of salsa served backstage in Possumneck, Mississippi that changed his life. It was spicy and tangy and smoky and so good that he just couldn't get it off of his mind. Unfortunately, there was no jar, no label.

Now, there have been rumors that Johnny had kind of an addictive personality. He would sometimes disappear for days on end. People attributed it to drugs or alcohol. The truth is that he would roam the country searching for the special hot sauce of his dreams. He heard rumors and whispers of the deadly condiment and followed them to countless dead ends. He stopped at every Tex Mex restaurant, truck stop, and Mexican grocery in the South without finding what he sought.

One day he heard tell of an old woman, a witch down in the Mayan peninsula in Mexico whom it was said, made the best salsa in the world! He cancelled his next five gigs and headed south. He rode donkeys, Jeeps and horse drawn wagons. He traversed deserts, mountains and jungles before finally reaching the fabled village where the old bruja lived.

He found and entered the old woman's hut. As luck would have it, she was one of his first big fans, having caught one of his shows at that Holiday Inn in Possumneck, Mississippi while attending a Salsa Aficionado convention where one of her jars of salsa mysteriously disappeared and somehow made its way to a bowl backstage. She consented to sharing her secret recipe with him only after he agreed to write a song for her.

She shared the special Tomatillos grown in Mayan soil. She gave him the seeds from a rare Mexican pepper and showed him the special pan with a rounded bottom, similar to those used in the Far East that she would use to simmer "la lima" or "lime," the source of the salsa's tanginess. He asked her if he could just use his regular flat-bottomed pan but she insisted that he must use the round-bottomed pan.

From this came the inspiration for the lyrics: "Because you're Mayan, I'll wok the lime."

He admitted that he didn't know anything about the cloning machine.
I said: "That makes two of us!"

Coffee.
What do you call a cup of coffee with a sixth sense ?

Dj brew.

What did Mary Poppins like for dinner?
Soup or Ahi frozen fish sticks , ex peas, all delicious

* Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.

The aorta is my favorite artery
It has a special place in my heart.

A turtle is crossing the road when hes mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened,
the shaken turtle replies, I dont know. It all happened so fast.

How do you make a hotdog stand?
Take away its chair

What does a Mexican duck say?
Guac guac.