How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Trump says its fixed, and they all stand around clapping in the dark.

Whats Trumps favorite garden.?
Kinder..

Turn bands into food. I'll start.
Fleetwood Mac and Cheese.

Why are UFOs always so clean?
Because nothing escapes the vacuum of space.

Why was the dentist disappointed with his long service award?
Because all he got was a little commemorative plaque

My husband asked me to show him my wild side.
So I opened Safari.

You heard of those fruit sexuals?
They find bananas appealing but they only come in pears.

Why didnt the lifeguard save the hippie?
He was too far out.

Im trying to make a joke about furniture
And sofa, I cant come up with anything.

Went to an airshow today, and saw a RedBull stunt plane going all out. I pointed it out to my nephew who immediately came at me with...
It used to be a stunt car, but RedBull gave it wiiings.

I nearly died laughing, I was so proud of him in that moment and really wanted to share the humor with some like minded folks. (I am a dad, just not his dad.) Anyone else find some truly inspired dad humor from unexpected places?

When I was a kid, I wanted to be a historian.
But those days are all in the past.

A little boy ran up to me shouting "Please help, my dad is in a fight!"
I ran over with him and saw two men going at it. I asked, "Which one is your dad?"
He said, "I don't know, that's what they're fighting about!"

Teacher: use contagious in a sentence
Me: I saw my neighbor painting her house with a toothbrush. I said: it will take this contagious to get it done.

I was chatting with a friend from the UK about elevators vs. lifts
Turns out we were just raised differently.

There are three kinds of people in the world
Those who can count, and those who cant.

What do you call a naked bear?
Bare.

All over Reddit, people keep ending their comments with "Not a bot"
Okay Costello.

What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, inserts neatly in a hole, and works best when jerked?
A Seatbelt

We were in hurry while cooking, but my wife told me to put some herbs on the food anyways.
I told her, there is no thyme.

Pyramids
Ive started reading a book about how the pyramids were built

but its taking forever to get to the point.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer recently.
I dont know what he laced them with, but Ive been tripping all day.

I asked my math teacher what his favorite Huey Lewis & The News song was.
He said "Hip 2b."

Im gonna invent a device that sprays perfume with mind control.
It makes scents when you think about it.

I met a microbiologist this morning.
She was a lot bigger than I thought.