A young man was not having much success in dating women, so he went to the library to find a book on romance. He checked out one called "How to Hug." It wasn't much help.
It turns out he checked out volume 14 of an encyclopedia.

A police officer came to my house and asked me where I was between 5 & 6.
He seemed irritated when I answered:
"Kindergarten"

A fisherman and his wife welcomed their twin sons into the world. For a while, they struggled to come up with names for the boys, but one day they noticed that one boy was always looking toward the sea, the other away, so they named their sons Toward and Away.
A few years later, when the boys were old enough, the fisherman decided to teach them the family trade. So he packs up the boat, kisses his wife goodbye, and goes out to sea with his sons.

Years pass without their return. One day, at the market, the wife sees a man she recognizes as her husband. She asks him.

"Where are the boys?"

"Oh, it was horrible!" The father exclaimed, distress in his voice. "Just days after we left, Toward caught a huge fish. But the fish was relentless and fought back. They wrestled on the waves for days, before Toward's strength failed him, and the fish swallowed him whole!"

"Oh god!" The wife exclaims, "That's horrible!"

"You think that's bad?" The father asks, "You shoulda seen the one that got Away."

Why are gay dating sites so popular?
Because one man's junk is another man's treasure

I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said Youre an 8 on a scale of 10.
Im still not sure why she wants me to urinate on a skeleton.

To save money on a coffin, buy a pen from Amazon...
and use the box it came in.

My granddaughter just told me that she got a Nintendo switch.
I asked How did you turn on your Nintendo before that?

What do you call a glory hole at the police station?
The anonymous tip

How do you know that Mike Tyson is anti-religion?
Because he punches people in the faith.

A piece of string walks into a bar, bartender says, Hey we don't serve your kind in here. So the string goes outside, twists himself around and rubs himself up and down. He walks back into the bar. The bartender says, Hey aren't you that piece of string I just kicked out?
The string says, No, I'm a frayed knot.

I warned my children about blowing their whistle inside the house and I gave them one last chance.
Unfortunately, they blew it.

How come China and the USSR never had good soccer teams?
Their players draw too many red cards.

What's the best material for making a ninja suit?
Leather. It's made out of hide.

I have been reading up on decolonization
Honestly, its unsettling.

What does a non-binary person do on the toilet?
They take a she/it.

BREAKING NEWS: A car, out of control, crashed into the storefront of an Everything for a Dollar Store.
Damages were estimated to be $1.00

What do you call a site that shows sexy Cuban desserts?
OnlyFlans

After Tim Cook stepped down as CEO of Apple. I'd hoped Trump would also step down.
Of course, I'm comparing apples to oranges.

I sued British airlines for losing my luggage
The courts dismissed me because I had no case

Where do chess players go to look for good deals
The pawn shop

I love going outdoors.
So much safer than going through windows.

Little richard used to help me do my gardening.
He lopped all the rhubarb, he lopped bamboo.