Who is in favour of bringing Roman numerals back into use?
I for one.
How can you tell a chemist from a plumber?Ask them to pronounce 'unionized'.
(I love this joke, but I hate that there isn't a good way to tell it aloud.)
Whenever my kids says "I love you" I always respond with "I love you more"
because life is a competition and they need to know their father will always win.
At dinner, I asked my date to tell me a little about herself. She said, Well, believe it or not, Im a microbiologist.
I looked her straight in the eye and said, Nice try... you look like a normal-sized biologist to me.
During a job interview"Can you perform under pressure?".
"No but I can try bohemian rhapsody".
I was driving my date to her house and told her that I wasn't good with directions; she just laughed at me...
..So I right her left there.
My wife caught me touching myself to an optical illusion.
I said "Babe, it's not what it looks like!"
Brainy joke: Why is it a "school" of fish but a "bloat" of hippos?
Because a school of hippos would be a hippocampus
I tried using Beef as my password.
It wasn't stroganoff
Ive written a song about a locksmith
Theres a lovely key change at the end
Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver.
Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it...
I know it can be a drag but Im thinking of adding a wing to my car
Spoiler alert!
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend!
What do you call a priest that's also a lawyer?
A father-in-law.
I told my dad that I'm going to join the 'World Taekwondo Federation'
He said WTF?!
I haven't spoken to my wife in two weeks
It seems rude to interrupt her
What does Neil Diamond sing when hes waiting in a queue at the grocery store to buy corn syrup
Sweet Karo Line
I recently found out that I'm afraid of German sausages.
I fear the wurst.
Who is Mexicos richest man?
Jeff Pesos
What does a blasphemous blood cell do?
It takes God's name in vein
My girlfriend often tells me "you don't tell me how much you love me"
I don't want to upset her
A Halloween JokeQ. Why do ghouls and demons hang out together?
A. Because demons are a ghoul's best friend!
Friend of mine recently was hospitalized for a freak peek-a-boo accident
He was sent to the ICU
I took the shell off of my racing snail hoping it would make him faster
It just made him more sluggish
Why did the condescending chimes player go to the gym?
To use the dumb bells!