I asked my Mum if I was ugly.
She snapped back and said, I told you not to call me Mom in front of people.
Did yall know New York is the opposite of Minnesota?
New York is where the big apple is, and Minnesota is where Minneapolis
I cant come up with any good palindromes.
Dammit Im Mad
Why are there no Latinos in Lord of the Rings?
Because Juan does not simply walk into Mordor.
Did anyone hear about the company that makes yardsticks?
The won't be making them any longer!
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs!
Why don't Bald Eagles tell knock-knock jokes?..... Because Freedom Rings
I'll fly myself out.....
Asked my wife if I was fat
She said it took attention away from my face.
Your pupils are the last part to stop working when you are deceased
They dilate
My friend thinks hes an AI living in a simulation, so I asked him if he wanted to go for a walk.
He said, "I cant. I don't have the drive."
My dating life is just like Tetris.
I've gotten a few blocks in a row!
I hurt my ankle while on a walk earlier todayMy bf asked me, Which ankle?
I said, The one on my dads side.
What did one hat say to another hat?
You stay here. Ill go on ahead.
I bought 10 asparagus at the store but when I got home I realized I had 11...
It was just a spare, I guess.
I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork. I think I nailed it
But nobody saw it.
What would have happened if Jesus had not been crucified on the cross, but Drowned?
In front of every church we would find an aquarium.
Why didn't Han Solo like his steak?
It was Chewie.
What happened to the lady dating Mr Frost?
She got frost bites.
What did one fly say to another?
"Your man is open".
A fella was sat in the pub absolutely hammered.
He stands up to go home and falls flat on his face. Crawls to the door and falls again outside. Unable to stand he crawls back home. Manages to pull himself up to open the front door and falls through it. He proceeds to crawl upstairs and somehow gets into bed. The next morning his wife wakes him up shouting you were very drunk last night How do you know he said. The pub phoned, you forgot your wheelchair
What happened to the drunk who went to Antarctica?
He got So Brrr
why did the clown have back problems?
he slept funny
3 ladies were sitting in a park when a man ran up to them wearing a trench coat and flashed them.
2 had stroke and the third couldn't reach
Knowledge is power.
France is bacon.