My son said, "What rhymes with orange?" I pondered for a while and replied...
"No, it doesn't."

Shania Twains hometown just named a new building after her.
The Twain Station.

At the federal reserve a coin press broke down but they can't find out why.
The mechanic says: "It just doesn't make any cents."

My teenage son was throwing a party in the backyard
It was nothing too crazy so I told him to be responsible and went to bed.

However, by the time the sun came up they were still going. As if that wasnt bad enough, theyd also turned the music up so loud that you couldnt hear yourself speak and there were thick clouds of smoke in the air from all the drugs they were doing. I was furious.

And so I wake up in the morning and I step outside and I take a deep breath and I get real high and I scream from the top of my lungs Whats going on?

Did you hear about the Greek philosopher who refused to cover her breasts?
Her name was Aristopless.

Did you guys hear about the world wide sting operation on people who mix drinks?
Many of them are behind bars right now.

I was flirting with the most gorgeous woman at the bar last night. At one point I told her "Believe it or not, I have the most famous last name in all of Ireland." She smiled and replied, "Oh really?"
And I'm like "how did you know?!"

Why are deaf people good at not conforming?
They dont follow a heard mentality

my daughter asked me why ocean birds are almost all lesbians
because she sees all the "seagirls" but rarely hears about "sea boys"

Do you know the vegan capital of the UK?
Nothingham

My wife is learning how to operate a bulldozer
Im not going to stand in her way

My friend got me a book for my birthday called Recipes for Cooking Road-kill.
I found some road-kill the other day, cooked it and it was delicious..

Not sure what to do with the bicycle though.

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, Shouldnt! Wouldnt! Couldnt! Didnt! Cant!
Dont worry, said the doc. Those are just contractions."

My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo
I had to put my foot down.

Why did the pony need a glass of water?
He was a little hoarse

What does a golf caddy have for lunch?
A club sandwich and a side of chips.

Birds.
The left wing and the right wing are still parts of the same bird Cherokee Proverb.

Amish girls
I wonder, how do Amish girls know if it's a romantic candlelit dinner or just a regular dinner?

Spotted an albino Dalmatian the other day
Was the least I could do for him.

How do Mexicans cut their pizza?
Leetle Caesars

What do you call 2+1=3 puppies?
An awww sum.

Someone tried to scam me by selling invisibility cloaks...
I saw right through it

What kind of bird can carry the most weight?
The crane!

I used to be indecisive
... but now I'm not so sure

I ordered 9 rootbeers
but they gave me 3 beers instead