The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said, "Happy...," and started timing on her watch.
After a long silence she said, "...40-second birthday." I was so proud.

What kind of underwear does Donald Trump wear, boxers or briefs?
Mmmmm. Depends

People who don't proofread your posts, what are you thanking?
Seriously, have a quick read before you past it!

I used to think orthopedic shoes were overrated.
I stand corrected.

Sarah left a can of Pepsi on a fence railing at a rest stop about 60 miles south of Tampa.
That's where Sarah's soda is.

Dad: I used to hate facial hair Mom: Please dont.
Dad: but then it grew on me.

Mom: Unlike your retirement account.

I told my doctor that I think I'm losing my hearing.The doctor asked what are the symptoms?
I said they are a cartoon family with Homer and Marge.

Why did the blind man fall into the well?
Because he couldn't see that well.

What does a magician say to make dead bodies disappear?
Abra cadaver!

My son was going out with a tennis player.
I told him she was the wrong girl for him. He asked why, I said "to a tennis player, love means nothing".

My friend Jack said he can communicate with vegetables...
Jack and the beans talk.

Are you familiar with the feeling of having the former South African President reaching one arm under your armpit to the back of your neck, then him driving them over at an angle to force you onto your back?
Yeah it's called the Half Nelson Mandela Effect.

I checked out a book on the history of barbells.
It was quite heavy!

Pavlov Walks Into a Hotel ...
To summon the front desk clerk he rings the bell. He then snaps his fingers in frustration and says, "Damn! I forgot to feed the dogs."

What do you call a bird with a bad cough?
A phlegmingo

A lion would never drink and drive.
But a tiger wood.

One of the seven dwarves broke in last night and stole all my anti-depressants.
I hope hes Happy.

My fake plants died
Because I didnt pretend to water them.

A man walks into a bar with a frog on his head. Bartender says "what the hell is that"
The frog replies" I don't know it started as a bump on my ass"

Mike Tyson became religious recently....
He now punches them in the faith.

My wife asked me why I was sniffing a losing lottery ticket.
I told her I was just trying to get a scents of where all our money went.

My Spouse started producing an Internet Connection Signal
So now I get wife-fi

What fruit did Romeo and Juliette eat?

Cantelope.

When Kim Kardashian released a new scent everyone called her an entrepreneur.
But when I release a scent all my passengers start complaining.

"Dad? Can you explain me, what a solar eclipse is?"
"No sun."