My wife isnt talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday.
....Im not sure how. I didnt even know it was her birthday.

Have you heard the rumor about butter?
Nevermind, I'm not going to spread it. -- from my 12 year old son.

Hand-written road sign: "Farm Shop Ahead. Homemade Sausages For Sale."
"100 Yards Left."

I got fired from the French fry factory for stealing inventory.
They made a big deal out of it, but really it was small potatoes.

Why isn't holy water used in vaccines?
You can't take the Lord's name in vein.

Whats the difference between dad joke and a divorce?
My wife never asks me for a dad joke.

What do you call a goose who transitions?
Transgander

I hear next saturday is going to be a perfect day.
It's a 10/10.

What's the difference between jelly and jam?
You can't jelly a copier

What do you call karate for amputees?
Partial arts
(unsure if it is a repost but found it quite funny)

Can you believe I got fired from the calendar factory?
Just for taking a day off!!

What annoyed George Washington most about having fake teeth?
Wooden chew like to know?

Why did the hippopotamus cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.

(Told to me by my daughter when she was 5)

A Russian woman marries an Australian Gentleman
A Russian woman married an Australian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Melbourne. The poor lady was not very proficient in English but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some

chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way

to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

(Please scroll down.)

What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English! Now get back to whatever you were doing. I don't know about you sometimes

What is a skeletons favorite band?
Bone Thugs and Harmony.

I make very detailed origami cars
They even have many folds

I crossed a four leaf clover with poison ivy and got a rash of good luck.
I was just itching to tell someone.

I'm selling a dead budgie on eBay. But I have to warn you...
It's not going cheap...

Researching Lee Majors and his wife Farrah
Something I found that's fascinating: I was researching famous known couples from back in the 1970s. I was reading about Lee Majors and his then wife Farrah.

It turns out that they had a pair of twins that when graduating from high school, both decided to attend the University of Cairo (Egypt). They declared their chief course of study to be ancient Egyptian Plumbing methods.

That's right, they became Pharaoh Faucett Majors.

What do you call an underground dog?
A Subwoofer

Fully-grown deer do not normally dip leaves, twigs, or acorns into a pot of melted cheese,
but their fawndue

You know what's good about working with prosthetics?
Being able to give someone a hand.

I'm looking to sell my Delorean.
Good shape, low mileage...

Only driven from time to time.

Why is the Kremlin stinky?
Because their leader is always Putin.