I got my husband pretty goodWe were on a walk, and we passed the site of where a fireworks store once stood. Someone crashed a car into it, and the place exploded and burned down pretty dramatically. All that's left is a slab and some of the flooring.
We were poking around at it out of curiosity, and I pointed at the ground and said, "This must have been a French restaurant at some point."
Him: "What? Seriously? How would you know?"
Me: "Yeah you see these bits of flooring here? That's linoleum blown apart."
He groaned so loudly, people across the street looked up to see what had caused this man such anguish.
A princess announced to her many suitors that she would marry whoever could bring her the most ping pong balls.The first suitor returned after two weeks with hundreds of horse-drawn carriages filled to the brim. He had managed to find one million ping pong balls, and the princess was quite impressed.
The second suitor, determined to win, spent months at sea, returning with a fleet of massive cargo ships. When they docked, they delivered 100 million ping pong balls. The princess was certain he was the winner.
The third suitor didn't show up for a whole year. When he finally arrived, he was bruised, battered, and covered in scratches. He limped up to the throne clutching a single, heavy brown sack.
The princess laughed and said, "What are you doing? My second suitor brought 100 million balls! You're wasting my time with one little bag."
The man looked up, confused and exhausted, and whispered, "But princess... I thought you said King Kong balls!"
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?
He forgot to wrap his Whopper...
I finally worked up the courage to ask my blind coworker if she was currently seeing anyone.
She said, No, but I have a boyfriend.
My wife left me because I have an unhealthy obsession with Africa.
Kenya believe it?!
I entered my suitcase into a beauty pageant and it came in last place.
Worst case scenario.
You can't plant flowers,
if you haven't botany.
Do you think Timothy Dalton and Pierce Brosnan hang out?
I can see those two bonding
If anyone wants a discount on a harp, let me know...
I can pull some strings...
Saw an opportunity and I took itThere was a Civil War event in my town this past weekend. I was driving by with my wife and I saw someone dressed as Abraham Lincoln standing under a canopy with a sign that said "Information Booth"
I said to my wife "it's a good thing it's not the John Wilkes information Booth"
Blank stare from my wife
*Realization hits*
Wife: "That's terrible"
Why didnt the Medium need to cross the road?
She already knew what was on the other side.
What happens when a microscope crashes into a telescope?
They kaleidoscope.
What do you call an aging actor who paid his home off?
Mortgage Freeman
Why did Captain America have Thor, Iron Man and The Hulk help him build lego?
Because, Avengers assemble.
Who is the coolest person in the hospital?
That would be the ultrasound guy.
My kid wanted to go to the Lego store
I told him no way, people are lined up for blocks over there.
What do you call a concious wolf?
Aware-wolf
My wife challenged me to bake her a pizza in the shape of the Eiffel tower.
I thought to myself... that's a tall order.
Why didn't the security guard trust the grapes?
Because he felt that they were raisin suspicion.
Someone called me a peasant. I was not phased.
It was a feudal attempt to insult me.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it's a soap opera.
A small meteorite is reportedly headed for Legoland...
The damage is expected to be 50 square blocks.
What do you call a bunch of legumes in the freezer?
Cool beans...
Just got the bill for my house repairs. Storm blew away a quarter of my roof.
Oof.
What do cows put in their coffee besides sugar?
Calf & Calf