I told my therapist I think Im addicted to Instagram.
She said, Im sorry. I dont think Im following you.
Three pregnant women are in the waiting room waiting for their first ultrasound...Brunette: "I know I'm going to have a boy, because my husband was on top."
Redhead: "I know it's gonna be a girl 'cause I was on top."
Blonde: "Oh no, I'm having puppies..."
Its another hot day, so ive walked upstairs, taken all my clothes off and opened every window...
I feel so much better, although the other people on the double decker bus don't seem so pleased!
Today I turned 32 but I only celebrated for 30 seconds.
After all it's my thirty-second birthday!
What's a feminists favourite fruit to throw at a sexist man?
A mango
I have no idea how dishwasher tablets work
Ive already taken 5 of them and I dont feel like doing the dishes
Twice a week
Twice a week a guy shows up a border crossing on a motorcycle with a sand bag in each saddle bag. Dogs dont hit on it, inspections never find anything. Still twice a week this dude shows up at the crossing. Finally a border agent says to him " Listen man we all know you must be smuggling something just none of us can figure it out. Todays my last day before retirement and I have to know. I won't say anything to anyone but my curiosity is killing me. What on earth are you smuggling? Guy leans in and says "Motorcycles "
Have you seen the new sequel to "James and the Giant Peach" with a soundtrack by Bon Jovi
It's called "Livin' on a Pear"
Why did the wizard kiss his date a few inches below her jawline?
He was a neck romancer.
Did you hear about the gardener that went crazy?
She was hearing voices in her shed.
Married LifeAfter a meeting I was coming out of a hotel and I was looking for my car keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room it wasn't there.
Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. My husband has shouted many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is, the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen.
Immediately I rushed to the parking lot, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, car number and description of the place where I parked etc. I equally confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all, to my husband!!!
"Honey," I stammered; I always call him "honey" in times like these.
"I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.
"Idiot", he shouted, "I dropped you at the hotel!"
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
He shouted again, "I will, as soon as I manage to convince this policeman that I have not stolen your car."
I married my wife for her looks
But not the ones I have been getting lately
What do you get for winning the not-moving-at-all championship?
Atrophy.
a woman has three triplets- Tim, Tom and Tatafterwards she goes to breastfeed them and realises Tim and Tom are on a tit each
but there's no tit for Tat!
What do you call an American Football player whose missing 75% of his spine?
A quarterback.
My daughter: Dad can you make me a sandwich?Me: You can make your own sandwich.
Daughter: You always said to work smarter, not harder.
(This happened today. Not sure if its a dad joke but was pretty funny. Shes 11 years old.)
Edit: thanks for the award!
Chicken Pot Pie
My 3 favorite things
Electrician gets home late...Electrician didn't get home until after 2am. His wife asked: "Wire you insulate?"
He replied: Watts it to you, dont be so negative, wire you blowing a fuse? I'm ohm, aren't I?" I suppose Im grounded now!!
How do flowers settle arguments?
They dew pistils at dawn.
People told me to do what I love and the money will follow.
Four kids later, Im still waiting on the money.
I was helping my kid with his math homework. The question was, The shortest distance between two points is a _____ line. He said, Curvy. I said, No. He said, Crooked. I said, Nope. He said, Wavy. I said, Wrong again. Finally he guessed, Zig-zag?
At that point, I gave up. He wouldnt give me a straight answer.
What career does a pirate go into when he's done pirating?
ARRRR-chitecture!
No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...
I play a little guitar!"
What did the female dinosaur call her blouse making business?
Try Sarah's Tops.
Did you know Spider-Man has a winter jacket made entirely of Mediterranean flatbread?
Its a Pita Parka.