I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, Youre an 8 on a scale of 10.
I still dont get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.

I told my wife that I've swapped our bed for a trampoline.
She hit the roof!

This just happened in real life, and I got MANY chuckles.
At Costco with the wife and kid. Kid sees a sample booth and asks what theyre offering...

Me: its a hot dog!

Wife: its a European wiener

Me: youre a peeing weiner

I turn to the man offering the sample and say get it?!?

Nothing

Wife loses it, people next to me lose it, kid loses it and wont stop repeating it. Good times had by all, cept maybe for the sample guy.

To the guy who invented zero,
Thanks for nothing.

Did you hear about the Vietnamese bloke whose surname was "Smith"?
​

He was in a no-Nguyen situation

What are a chocolate bar's pronouns?
Her/she

What type of flower makes the most mistakes?
Whoopsie Daisy

Whats a monkey playing with fireworks?
A baboom!

What did the last surviving foot say after the end of the world?
I Am Leg-End

You can't grow plants...
If you haven't botany.

I was telling my buddies I was having a bad day.
My friend said plethora.

Thanks, I said, that means a lot.

*

My other friend said earth.

Thanks, I said, that means the world to me.

*

My other friend said bargain.

Thanks, I said, that means a great deal.

My son talked back when I told him he couldnt have any peanut butter.
Dont you get Skippy with me, young man!

My wife asked me to be less irritating...
So I shaved my face.

Just when you thought that vegetables dont have phones
Onion rings

Fam is going to the zoo today
What are your best zoo/zoo related jokes?

Tears were streaming down my face and I couldnt get them to stop. So I ran to a nearby military base. Are there any Marines here?? No. Army? Nope. A Navy SEAL? Sorry. What about an Air Force pilot? Finally, the administrator looked at me and said, Sir what is this about?
I said, Sorry I just need a soldier to cry on.

My son asked for a hershey's kiss
I said no, kissed him on the forehead, and said it was a he his kiss instead.

A famous singer once asked me what I wanted for my birthday.
After looking around for potential home improvements, I told him..."I want a curtain rod."

Daft bastard got me a curtain.

Lava cake
We went out for dinner this evening and my son ordered a lava cake for dessert. When he took a scoop out of it his girlfriend asked if it was runny.

Before he could answer I told her: "no, it's just sitting on his plate"

Everyone chuckled, I'm so proud of myself :P

Proud moment with dessert
My girlfriend from the kitchen as she was preparing dessert: "We have custard. Do you want to pour the custard on yourself?"

"No, please pour it on the plate."

The ugh's in response were amazing.

My journalist ex girlfriend asked, Why do you act like youre obligated to tell everyone we used to be together?
I said, Because Im a man-dated reporter.

What did the egg say when it burped ?
Eggscuse me

What did Linkin Park say in response to a customer disappointed with their circus inflation commission?
This is what you asked for heavy is the clown.

I havent been allowed back on a cruise ship
Ever since that whole poop deck misunderstanding

Every morning i get hit by the same bicycle
It's a vicious cycle