Alphabet is raising $80 billion by selling stock to invest in AI
I bet the other 24 letters are pissed!

I have asked many people what LGBQTIA+ stands for....
So far no-one has given me a straight answer.

Actual line from my 10-year old: At dinner I mentioned that for some reason the corn didnt actually taste much like corn.
After a slight pause, my son deadpanned: Thats corncerning. 10/10 groaner

How bring moose in Canada
Two Irish hunters from Belfast hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six.

As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three moose.

The two Irishmen objected strongly, stating; "Last year we shot six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. Unfortunately, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few minutes after take off.

Climbing out of the wreck, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

I've just begun a speed-reading course, and last night I read Great Expectation in 15 seconds
I know it's only two words, but I'm still a beginner.

My house is haunted by a chicken
It is a poultry-geist. A really fowl spirit. I called an eggcorcist. He tried to get it to the other side.

Having a bad day . Tried my best to cook some Middle Eastern/Israeli food and failed miserably
I just really falafel about it

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but I think I'll be better at "we will rock you"

Please don't accept friend requests from Lizzie Borden on Facebook.
She is a known hacker.

Jack Nicholson became furious at a chinese restaurant. He stormed into the kitchen and threw two pieces of cutlery at a pile of uniforms.
One flew over the cook Hu's vest.

What would Michael Jackson be called if he was in the X-men?
Wolver-hehene.

What did the cannibal's wife give him when he got late to dinner
The cold shoulder

What did the baby chicken say when its mother laid an orange?
Look at the orange mommalaid.

Id like to thank Merriam Webster for teaching me what plethora means.
It means a lot.

What kind of tea is hard to swallow?
Reality

I just finished reading a book about the worlds greatest basement.
It was best cellar.

The aorta is my favorite artery
It has a special place in my heart.

A friend of mine changed his name to Bjrn today
He wasn't Bjrn yesterday

What kind of doctor is always on call?
An Oncologist. Obviously.

I just found out dog catchers. ..
Are paid by the pound

What do you call a really cool crocodilian whos paid to argue with people?
A litigator.

Where does the pirate buy his hook at?
At the second hand shop!

How does a polygamist hippie count his wives?
1 Mrs. Hippie. 2 Mrs. Hippie. 3. Mrs Hippie

Edit: Typo

Did you hear about the circus that caught fire?
I heard the heat was in tents!

What do you do when attacked by a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.