I was just assaulted by man with a block of cheese.
I mean, how dairy!

Henry Winkler has launched the Happy Days Crypto Currency
He denied allegations that it is a Fonzie scheme.

I tried to start a new hobby of dangling off famous towers, but i didn't last beyond the first one.
Eiffel.

At the dealership checking out a new truck, the salesman said, This truck is loaded with features, and of course it comes equipped with a backup camera.
I said, Thats good just in case the first one breaks.

Jack the lad was speeding along a country lane in his new Jeep, when two farmers on a tractor pulled out of a gate twenty yards ahead.
Jack turned the wheel, smashing the car through the hedge into the field. The car bounced and flipped for 50 yards, then crashed back onto the road and carried on at speed.

The tractor driver turned to his mate and said, "Holy shit! We only just got out of that field in time!"

I want to open a restaurant that fuses Chinese and Middle Eastern cuisine.
I'd call it "Wok Like an Egyptian".

In Antigua and Barbados, they quote Pi to 3.14
In Jamaica and Cuba 3.14159

In Trinidad and Bermuda 3.141592654

These are the Pi Rates of the Caribbean

Scientists tried to genetically mix a leopard and a crab...
...but they stopped soon, when they realised it can go sideways really fast!

A guy walks into a music store and asks about their hip-hop selection. The clerk tells him they only carry Nas and Tupac.
The guy says no biggie and walks out.

I'm an attendant who sells bus tickets at the booth. Man comes up and asks me how long the next bus will be.
Damn stupid question.

I reply 'Same length as the last one'.

I asked the dealership for a value on my car today.
They asked if the fuel tank was full or empty.

Did you know that the best bakers are cats?
It's because they make everything from scratch.

Booked a hotel room the other day. Walked into my room...yams everywhere.
Yams on the bed, yams on the table, yams in the bathroom.

Went to reception to complain.

Hotel guy said: "Those aren't yams, they're suite potatoes"

Are people born with a photographic memory?
Or does it take time to develop?

My kid was headed out the door for school carrying a jug. I stopped him and said, Why do you have that?
He said, Teacher said its pitcher day.

During an existential crisis my therapist leaned in and whispered one word. 'Parachute.'
It really brought me back down to earth.

Kalle jokes from Finland
In finland Kalle is one of most common names. We also have a tradition to name "that clever boy" as Kalle in so many jokes, typically situated at school. That being said:

Teacher asks math tasks. Kalle counts with his fingers and teacher says: No Kalle, you are not allowed to count with fingers.

So Kalle puts his hands in pockets.

Teacher asks: What is 5+5?

Kalle secretly counts all the fingers in both hands in pockets ands gives the answer: 11!

An old man is lying in his death bed...
His son is sitting next to him, with concern and sadness writ all across his face. Suddenly, his father starts laughing, and not just laughing but full on guffawing. The son, startled and astonished, asks his father, "Dad! Why are you laughing? Are you suddenly feeling better?"

His father replies, "No! I just wanted to have the last laugh!"

I bought Stevie Wonder a Cheese Grater for his Birthday
He told me that it was the most violent book he's ever read.

My friend won't stop making bird puns.
But toucan play that game.

Parts of the Body.
Whats the most reliable part of your body ?
Your fingers. You can always count on them.

This morning I was removed from the local community park for organizing the squirrels by height
Turns out people were not happy that I was critter sizing.

Why are my teenaged kids always calling everyone Loki?
It's cool they're showing an interest in Norse mythology, but this much Loki seems excessive.

In honor of National Coffee Day; Why are coffee bean marriages so successful?
Because they keep each other grounded.

My wife emerged from her wardrobe and said to me,darling I was wearing this at our wedding 30 years ago and it still fits me.
I said,honey it's a scarf!