I recently got arrested for stealing a whole volume of encyclopaedias.
I turned to the officer and said, Look, I can explain everything.

I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, Youre an 8 on a scale of 10.
I still dont get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.

My fiance and I wanted to get married at the public brary.
But they told us it was all booked up .

I told my partner i was testing her by asking if shes a wife or a mother first
A mother first

Wrong, you married me a year before our first kid.

Got a big groan on that one

Kid: Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Dad: Yes, we arson

Blacksmith.
An old blacksmith relized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting.

"Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy. "Just do whatever I tell you to do."

One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil.

"Get the hammer over there, he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard."

Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.

I told my wife that I've swapped our bed for a trampoline.
She hit the roof!

Whats black and white and red all over?
The shopping list after my wife asked me to put ketchup on it.

I heard they have great peaches in Georgia.
So I went to a supermarket in Georgia and asked an employee where I can find the peaches. He said, "I'll see," and walked away. I asked another employee and she also said, "I'll see," and walked away. In the end, I gave up and found them myself, in Aisle C.

There's a new book just been published about poltergeists that's becoming very popular
It's flying off the shelves.

I invented a diy human cloning machine that runs on a regular 110v outlet.
Make yourself at home.

My friend lost an arm and ever since has said cleaning was impossible.
So I got my other buddy to build him a new vacuum attachment, hes not the best engineer but anyhow.

I went to his house to help him organize and gave it to him saying, Dont worry, Im here to lend you a hand. Fair warning though, it sucks

Did you hear about that restaurant that puts toilet paper on the tables and bread in the bathroom?
Its a complete roll reversal.

I don't really understand mathematical notation
It's all greek to me

This just happened in real life, and I got MANY chuckles.
At Costco with the wife and kid. Kid sees a sample booth and asks what theyre offering...

Me: its a hot dog!

Wife: its a European wiener

Me: youre a peeing weiner

I turn to the man offering the sample and say get it?!?

Nothing

Wife loses it, people next to me lose it, kid loses it and wont stop repeating it. Good times had by all, cept maybe for the sample guy.

I've just had a stack of toilet paper rolls fall on me in the supermarket.
I'm okay, though, just soft tissue damage.

To the guy who invented zero,
Thanks for nothing.

If someone is playing chess for the first time
Does that make them a Rook?

What are a chocolate bar's pronouns?
Her/she

What do you need to grow fungi?
As mushroom as possible.

Whats a monkey playing with fireworks?
A baboom!

You can't grow plants...
If you haven't botany.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
El if I know

Did you hear about the Vietnamese bloke whose surname was "Smith"?
​

He was in a no-Nguyen situation

Fam is going to the zoo today
What are your best zoo/zoo related jokes?