I got you an elephant for your room.
"Thanks.

Dont mention it.

went to my bosss funeral I kneeled down next to the coffin and whispered,
Who is thinking outside the box now?

This is ridiculous! We're 363 days away from Christmas.
And people already have their lights up on their house.

Doctor Strange knock knock joke
Knock knock

"Who's there?"

"Door Mom"

"Door Mom Who?"

"I've come to bargain!"

What does a British man say while dying and masturbating?
"I'm having a stroke"

What's a cannibal's fav dessert?
Handshakes

I had a dream I was drowning in an Orange Ocean...
Turns out it was just a Fanta Sea.

My girlfriend keeps accusing me of being a cheater.
She's starting to sound like my wife.

In tonight's 9pm news..
Corduroy pillows make headlines.

Possums moving
On my daily walk I came across six possums in a suitcase. I immediately rang the wildlife carers hotline.

The receptionist asked me if they were moving.

I said I didn't know, but that would explain the suitcase.

I woke up this morning with a tap on my door.
I hired the world's worst plumber.

Someone broke into my apartment and stole every lamp.
I'm so delighted.

My new sweater had a problem with static so I returned it.
They gave me a new one free of charge.

I started a band called 1023 MB.
We havent had a gig yet.

My Doctor walked in saying, "I have your test results..."
"... You need to stop masturbating."

Shocked, I asked, "Why Doctor?"

My Doctor immediately snapped back, yelling, "'Cause you're distracting me from reading you your test results!"

What did the ocean say to the shore?
Nothing, it just waved

My wife asked me if the latest safety update got done on our car.
I don't recall.

(She didn't even acknowledge my attempt, no groan or look, haha)

To all the tennis players who challenged me:
I'll see you in court.

How does every butchers convention start?
With a meat and greet

What was the llamas response to buying school lunches?
No thanks, alpaca lunch.

To what time did the man schedule his dentist appointment?
Tooth-hurty (two-thirty)

Why was the cannibal chief so quiet?
He was fed-up with his mother in law.

Im a psychic amnesiac
I know in advance what Ill forget.

There was a protest by a group of vegetables yesterday
They were green peas

I would say that I know a lot of zoo jokes.
But then I would be lion.