I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth this morning. Thankfully no harm was done..
But I'm now speaking with a weird Axe scent..

What is the difference between grey and gray?
Gray is a colour, while grey is a color.

Just ate my last piece of brie and now its raining.
Aint no sunshine when cheese gone.

My wife asked me, Did you eat the last piece of cake in the refrigerator? I said, No, I ate it in the living room.
And, thats how the fight started!

I nearly lost my job as a roofer after being caught masturbating on the first day.
Luckily the boss said I could wipe the slate clean.

What do you call a man without a body or a nose?
Nobody nose

During our tour of Philadelphia, the guide pointed out the U.S. Mint and said, Believe it or not, this facility discontinued making pennies here last year.
I leaned over to my wife and whispered, That doesnt make any cents!

My wife told me her best friend just discovered the man shed been dating was actually an android. I said, Thats awful. Is she handling it okay?
Not at all sounds like she blew a fuse.

What do you call it when you pass gas and it is a masterpiece?
A work of fart!

How does a cannibal get rid of bad breath?
He chews on some Men toes

What do you call an alligator who is figuring out where to go?
A navigator

I date only women who are from the 500s to the 1500s AD.
This is because I'm into middle-aged women.

What do you call a fly with broken wings?
A walk.

Why was the clock exceedingly good at bench press but could never improve his squats?
Because hes an all arm clock

My 12 year old son wants to start a hide and seek club
But really good players are hard to find

Did you hear the joke about dj vu?
Did you hear the joke about dj vu?

Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
The outside

My wife and I were desperately trying to figure out dinner when she sighed, Its impossible to make ends meet in this economy. Groceries cost a fortune, and we can barely keep food in the house anymore. I dug around the freezer and found nothing but an old bag of herbs from our garden.
As she started to tear up, I put my hand on her shoulder, held out the bag, and said, Babe these are hard thymes.

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet.
And I dont know Y.

The longer you dont pee
The longer you pee

Someone stole my metronome.
They'll pay for it in good time.

Bono and Edge walk into the bar and the barman says,
"Oh No, not U2 again.

Which tube station doesnt exist?
Nothing Hill Gate.

(By my 7yo)

A man looks out at the field and watches the cows graze
Somebody asks him:
what are you doing?

he responds:
Someone told me that I should watch what I eat.

I can't date anyone with missing feet..
I'm lack-toes intolerant.