I just built an ATM that only gives out coins. I dont know why no ones thought of it before:
it just makes cents!

I am not a fan of Frozen Pizza...
It's too cold, in my opinion.

Dear optimist pessimist and realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water.
I drank it

Sincerely the opportunist

What do you call a group of bears?
A bearicade

What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind?
A maybee

Which US state only sells small coca cola??
Minnesota

Why did the dictionary break up with the thesaurus?
Because it got tired of all the meaningless comparisons!

Silence is golden. Unless you have kids:
then silence is suspicious.

What type of geese has no wings?
Portuguese

The guy who invented Viagra came from my hometown.
We erected a few statues in his honor.

She left me, saying I have erectile dysfunction.
But the joke's on her; I'll always have a soft spot for her.

What kind of luggage does a hungry vulture take on vacation?
A carrion!

Why did the spoon agree with the knife?
because the knife had a point

Have you heard about the dad who built the neighborhood tree house?
He nailed it

Why did the chicken think about the skewer?
He was marinating on it

Studies have shown that when people become tired or exasperated they exhale heavily.
Its sighence.

My neighbor couldnt afford to pay his water bill.
I sent him a get well soon card.

Five ants rent an apartment with another five ants...
Now they're tenants

Did you know, milk is fastest liquid on the planet......?
It's pasteurized before you can even see it.

Why shouldn't you shop for fireworks with a little doe?
Because you'll get more bang for the buck!

Not a joke
Hubby doesn't like dad jokes so I tell them. So happy when I found this community. I was reading through the comments of a joke and replied to a comment with . The person I replied to looked up other posts I've made and one of them was in aBraThatFits, where I needed to state my bra size. The person replied to my reply with my bra size and rude comments. I feel so violated and haven't been on dad jokes until now. I didn't respond. Comments welcome, if you happen to choose to read this.

Edit: Deleted my first edit bc someone already helped. And also edited other subreddit for easier reading.

i got a hole in another one of my socks
darn it

What has 5 toes, but isn't your foot?
My foot.

Why couldnt the life guard rescue the drowning hippie?
He was to far out, man!