I introduced my 8 year old to Toby Maguire's Spider man last night. She hit me with this:Dad, I know how Peter Parker takes the pictures of SpiderMan.
He uses his webcam!
#ProudDad
I've seen a lot of web designer puns but even searching the subreddit I didn't see any webcams in the first few pages.
A woman woke up from a 6-month coma and asked the doctor about her baby...
The doctor said, "You had twins, a boy and a girl! They're doing great. Since you were unconscious, your brother named them for you."
The woman panicked. "Oh no, not my brother! Hes an absolute idiot! What did he name the girl?"
"Denise," the doctor replied.
The woman paused. "Oh, wow... Denise is actually a lovely name! What did he name the boy?"
The doctor sighed deeply. "Denephew."
I just realized my emergency contact is my husband.The same man who can't find his wallet, doesn't know his doctor's name, and ignores unknown calls...
Yeah, call him.
I accidentally swallowed invisible ink.
I'm in hospital waiting to be seen.
When Steve left Apple,
there were fewer jobs.
I complained at a restaurant last night. I said, "Hey, waiter, my soup is cold!" He said, it's Gazpacho."
I said, "Hey, Gazpacho... my soup is cold!"
You're allowed a maximum of two visits to Spain.
The third is considered tres-passing.
How do you neutralize a military base?
Put a military acid on it.
Noah had been busy for weeks making his final preparations for the flood. The last details of the boat were complete and the animals were nearly finished with their march onto the boat.
As he stood there with his wife watching the strange but magnificent event the last of the animals finally boarded. He turned to his wife and with a sigh of relief said, "now I've herd everything"....
My wife is pregnant with a boy and i want to call him Lance.My wife said its such an uncommon name.
So i told her back in medievil days people were called Lance a lot
She told me "sorry. I have a boyfriend"
"Ahh, it appears you're misstaken"
My mom went to the doctor yesterday to have her nose removed.
I swear, shes lost all common scents.
What do you call a man with a rabbit up his bum?
Warren
Ive just put a wooden desk and a blackboard in my living room.
You know, just to make it more classy...
What do you call a man who......loves the beach? Sandy.
...is obsessed with Bob Ross? Art.
...dreams about money? Bill.
...loves to jump into piles of leaves? Russel.
...can't swim? Bob.
...likes being dragged by a boat? Skip.
...likes hot dogs? Frank.
...is religious? Christian.
...speaks in short sentences? Curt.
...lives in a hole in the ground? Doug.
...is always lying on the floor? Matt.
...works in a produce aisle? Herb.
...loves to go camping? Forrest.
...works out all the time? Jim.
...loves cooking steaks? Chuck or Stu.
...smokes a lot of weed? Bud.
...is obsessed with lighting fires? Bernie.
...loves running after people? Chase.
...likes lifting up cars? Jack.
...loves to go hiking? Cliff.
...loves to fish? Rod.
...is always laying in the sun? Tanner.
...loves collecting taxes? Levy.
...builds brick houses? Mason.
...loves little bears? Teddy.
Keep the list going!
People aren't interested in having garage sales these days..
But they're dying to have Estate Sales.
I told my wife there was a honeybee in my yogurt...
She ran over concerned, looked into the bowl, and saw a giant letter "B" made of honey. The 6:00 AM eye-roll was glorious.
Ive decided to change my social media username to no one
This way, when I react to a friends post, theyll receive a notification that No one likes this.
How do you get a one armed idiot out of a tree?Wave to them.
(Was a racist joke when I was a kid. Had to change some wording for obvious reasons.)
We all know that 6 was scared of 7 because 7, 8, 9. But why did 7 eat 9?
Because youre supposed to eat three squared meals a day.
Ive started a business where parent can bring their children to learn the importance of peace and friendship through handling rodents.
I call it Calm Rattery.
I was at a party when a guy walked in shouting "I'm the world's best architect!"
I thought, he knows how to make an entrance, but he was just putting up a facade.
Wohhooohho! I found the best response for if someone sends you a cease-and-desist.
You send them a resume.
My friends encouraged me to adopt an 80s hairstyle.
I told them Id mullet over.
Why don't skeletons ever go trick-or-treating?
Because they have no body to go with.